Help That’s Not My Man Porridge | And Spanish Ironing Boards

Every day's a school day, and that even counts on your holidays. Jordan learnt that you should never iron naked in Spain and William learnt that martinis are always dirty in Chicago. But if you listen to this episode, there's plenty for you to learn. From how to deal with a fellow restaurant-goer who's filming his fancy meal, to whether millennial grey is classier than a more vibrant colourway. And there's even time to work out what to do with some unexpected man porridge. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com/ production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Hello, I'm Luke Jones.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  And I'm Poppy Damon.

• 0:33Speaker 01

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• 0:50Speaker 01

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• 0:57Speaker 01

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• 1:18Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexed My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when you meet someone with a limp handshake? Or, how do you tell the tradie that the tea you've offered isn't an invitation for a quickie? And of course, what should you do if you accidentally sexed your boss? But we're not usually like, are we, William Hanson?

• 1:45Speaker 01

  No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more royal elite, you're more Uber Eats. That's from Matty in Bolton.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Very good. That was a very nice one.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Don't blame me, I'm just reading it out. How the dickens are you?

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Can I just say, this is my idea of absolute heaven, working on a bank holiday. I have said for years, I can't stand bank holidays. The fact that I am working, the fact we are doing this, where previously you have been all, oh no, give over, people, bank holidays, nice. Fabulous. Literally, this might be my favourite ever day we've ever done at Sexed and we haven't even started the episode.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Famously, years ago, and if you go back, we should be able to find it, we had a massive argument, because you said I hate bank holidays.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  I do.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  And now I'm there, like, now I'm feeling like, it can be a bit of a waste of a day, can't it?

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I've said what I would do if you were on, because I get it, look, I get it, I'm freelance, I sort of can have holidays whenever I like, I'm very, I'm very fortunate. If you are salaried and you've got your 20 X days holiday allowance, what the government should do is legislate that employers have, if you get three, forget Christmas and all that, if you get three, you've got two in May, one in August, just give employees three extra days of their holiday allowance and they can then take it off whenever they want. That's what I'd do.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Can we have a drink?

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Stuart, you employ people, would you go for that?

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  He says, sure, great. Vote it through. Andy, if you're listening.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Now, last week.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  You said you'd never tried dandelion and burdock.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Oh, for God's sake, I knew we'd end up doing this.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  And Izzy's left us a little package and I'm going to be honest with you, G and D V's, we're all absolutely hanging out of our arse today.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  I'm fine!

• 3:25Speaker 00

  So we've got, oh, a nice cold of dandelion and burdock in a fish and chip. Oh, it's Ben Shaw's as well.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  It's whose?

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Man United. Never knew that. Hi guys.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  Hello, Ben.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  Hi Ben. It's Luke Shaw. Luke Shaw.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  £2.75 for that.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Is that how much a tin of cheese? How do you want to do this then? Do you want me to pour a bit in?

• 3:47Speaker 01

  What is, oh god, it looks like Coca-Cola.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  You'll love it.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  No, I don't like Coca-Cola. No, no, just one glass, because that's going to do G and D.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Right, well you have it in that and I'll have it out the can, because I'm hanging out of my fucking arse.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Is this alcoholic?

• 4:00Speaker 00

  No. It's dandelion and burdock.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  What's burdock?

• 4:05Speaker 00

  I don't know, just try it, it's medicinal.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Oh god, it stinks.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Oh, that takes me back.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Oh, it's fizzy. I mean, I can see it's fizzy, but it's really fizzy.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  That takes me back to Friday night, that. Jippy team, mum and dad going out.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  You should have that with fish and chips.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  Watching WWE, oh.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Oh, you were watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch, stop it.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Hear me out, hear me out. I never liked Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I never liked it.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  I watched all 13 series and I still didn't like it.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  I honestly didn't. I found it a bit, nah, the cat did me head in. It was always on after school and I never liked it.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Well, I'm so glad I've tried that, but can we just stick to the G and D?

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, alright.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  We don't even have ice, because everyone's off.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Hold down that, so you can pour mine in there. Right, whilst William pours gin and the bonnet.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Shall we just do a toast?

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, go on then.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Well, unless you're going to say something.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  Pre-toast. Well, I've done my gin and the bonnet, you let me know when you want me to do yours. Let me just read this. It goes, the toast goes to Meghan via her sister Lara, to the Sexed team, I'm not writing with the dilemma, but instead with a shout out for my wonderful sister, Meghan. She was the person who introduced me to the podcast years ago and has been a loyal G and Diva. She's also been to see you live twice, including one of your very early shows in Bristol. Meghan always knows how to make me laugh, but she's also the person I know I can go to with absolutely anything. There's really no such thing as TMI between us, and I know that whatever I tell her, I'll always be met with kindness rather than judgement. She has such a warm and reassuring presence and I'm incredibly grateful to have her in my life, so please can you toast her?

• 5:40Speaker 01

  That's lovely. So Meghan, via your sister Lara, this is to you.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  To you.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Meghan.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  I'm going to drink, what did you, I'm going to drink this.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  You're doing dandelion and burdock.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  What did you think of the dandelion and burdock?

• 5:52Speaker 01

  It's not for me.

• 5:53Speaker 00

  No?

• 5:53Speaker 01

  No, oh, and I think that's these off.

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Alright, G and D V's.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  I don't know, it's going really well.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  I'm gonna level with you. I'm very, very hungover today. At the time of recording, it's bank holiday Monday. I was out last night, got in at half one. You were out last night?

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  What time did you get in?

• 6:10Speaker 01

  Well, actually, I probably got in at quarters to two, because by the time I got in a taxi, but I left the place at 1am.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Producer Ben, you were out last night? Yeah, I was too as well. Jesus Christ, we're not, we're too old for this.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Stuart, what time did you go to bed? I was in bed at half nine. Half nine?

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Oh god.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  At least one of us is professional. But I'm fine, I literally, I mean, I had a lot of coffee this morning and some electrolytes.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  So I've had, I bet you watched bloody Victoria Cora Mitchell in bed last night, didn't you? What is it called again?

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Only Canal.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  Only Canal. I've got one of them once on it. And once I was convinced it was Wolverhampton Wanderers defenders and it weren't, it was something like ancient kings. Steve Ball, he played up front for Wolves. Steve, it's Wolves, Wolves players, Wolf, Wolf strikers. And like, ancient Greeks or something. So I've had an electrolyte, a black coffee and an Alka Salsa.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  And a dandelion and burdock and I still feel like, shit, I can't do it.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Well, you knew you had work today.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  I can't do it anymore.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  You did actually ask for 11 o'clock, we were originally going to be meeting at 11am, and you did a few weeks ago, go, could that please be 12pm?

• 7:19Speaker 00

  12.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  It's fine.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  I'll adjust.

• 7:23Speaker 00

  I haven't done this for ages, I can't remember the last time I've been in work hungover.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  I mean, I went out last Thursday and was working on Friday, so yeah, I had an interview with the newspaper.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  Do you know what?

• 7:35Speaker 01

  It's the new me.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  It might have to be a little afternoon pint, this one. Just not.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  I don't know if that's the solution.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  No, sometimes a pint or two just takes the edge off. I think I might have to go to a pub after this.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Okay, well, I won't stop you.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  And don't judge me up north, it might even have to be a lager top. I'm Joe, I've never had a lager top in my fucking life and I don't plan on doing it. The day I have lager tops, the day you can call me Jordan South. Never had a lager top in me life. Thank you. Anyway, how are you? How was Chicago?

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Chicago was fine, thank you. Bought this top.

• 8:08Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 8:08Speaker 01

  It's my Chicago top. So yeah, we had a lovely time, thank you. It's such a lovely city, as you know. The weather was gorgeous. Little, little bit of a drama in that, well, I was actually ill, but minor drama, it didn't, didn't really affect too much at all. Only one thing I had to miss.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  Full offence?

• 8:27Speaker 01

  No, no, no, just a virusy thing.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Just a bit gunky, a bit rundown. So obviously, what?

• 8:35Speaker 00

  What was gunky?

• 8:37Speaker 01

  My throat.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Oh, right, okay.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  Sort of my nasal passage and, you know, all that connected.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Please.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  You asked, don't, don't get all please.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  I actually feel sick.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  So, as you know, America is the home of the martini, it's where it was invented. So, and obviously I ordered one. So in fact, I ordered several. But on one evening, I said to the barman, you know, I gave my martini order, very dry with a twist, tangor at hand. And he brings it and it's got olives in it and it's murky. So it's obviously the wrong, it's the wrong order, it's the dirty martini.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  It's a dirty martini.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  So I said, oh, I'm so, I'm so sorry to be difficult, I did actually ask for it with a twist. He went, oh, okay, great, no problem. Leaves it there and I thought, okay, maybe he's doing the sort of the hospitality thing of, you, you set the new one and then you take away the old, which is sort of an industry standard. But he comes over two minutes later with a little glass dish of lemon twists and just drops one in.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  No, I'm, I'm so sorry, that does need to be an entirely new drink. So thus, that was, that was taken away. But really, I mean, they know not what they do.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  So I see how most people listening and me as well, probably would have just been, thanks, cheers and whatever.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Well, no, because what happened, well, what happens if I'm allergic to olives? Like, you don't, most people, like, I don't like the taste of olives. The only time I have done a dirty martini, I threw up about a minute later.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Can I, can I ask why you went to Chicago and not like Europe? Because that's what most people do in August.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  Flipping expensive.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  It's not to go to Spain, I've got back from Spain.

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, fine, and you were staying with family, but Mikey and I priced up a holiday to Europe and it was four times the, the price, whereas on air miles, we went over and did a whole week for half the price.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  I bet if you went with Jet2 or EasyJet.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  They don't fly to Chicago.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  You could have got a real good package holiday you can trust.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  I'm just saying.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Who died to make you Thomas Cook?

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Well, I'm just saying, it's actually two nowadays. You could have gone with two.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  I went to Paris in April.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I just think August is for Europe. So I did a week in Ibiza.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Jo- Jordan, you didn't, respectfully, and I mean this really nicely, you didn't grow up going to America. I had family in America, so I'm very attached to America. So I would always go to my, my summers in America. And that's just, that's my lived experience. Your lived experience is Europe.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, all right. Fair enough. But I did a week in Ibiza, which was great.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Seen, um, seen some old Radio One friends, which was great. So I seen, uh, Ariel. Free.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  She's loved after. So she introduced me to a new card game. Oh, Ben, I'm gonna get you and Kat over to play it. Oh, what's it called? Google Australian Card Game. Oh, I've just ordered it. Hang on. I'll tell you, she got me into this. Her and George, a fella. Oh, honestly, Jean Divas is up there with Napoli Deal. Where's my Amazon?

• 11:24Speaker 03

  What about shithead?

• 11:26Speaker 00

  No, it's not shithead.

• 11:27Speaker 03

  It's five hundred?

• 11:28Speaker 00

  No, uh, it's so good.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Oh, I forgot to, I've got a gift for you. Talking of Amazon, I'll bring it in next week.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Oh, it's called Arriving Thursday. No, no, no, no. It's called, um.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  What's it called? It says there Arriving Thursday. So.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  Have you ordered it from the other side of the world?

• 11:49Speaker 01

  It's from Australia.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  Five crowns. Five crowns.

• 11:53Speaker 03

  Five crowns.

• 11:53Speaker 00

  Really good. So I did that. Seen Vic.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Sorry, hang on. So we've waited three minutes for you to find out the name of that. Could you tell us about the game?

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Well, it's, it's very similar to Jim Runny, Rummy.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Gin Rummy?

• 12:06Speaker 00

  Gin Rummy.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  But it's not that. It's really good. So we played that.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  It's Gin Rummy?

• 12:11Speaker 00

  And we played it. We went around at like three in the afternoon, started up for and finished at like one in the morning. It's just, it's so good. I've never played a card game.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  And is it like, cards like playing cards or is it?

• 12:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a two pack. It's a special pack. You need, you need them. Two pack, two pack. Um, did that. Uh, seen everyone. Beautiful. Uh, had a beautiful meals and stuff. Then went to mainland Spain.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  And you know, I won't hear a bad word said about the Spanish. Now, you know, I will not hear.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  Jordan, you're famous for it.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  A bad word said about the Spanish.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Famous for that. And also you make it no secret that you love every city in the UK. That's the other thing.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  Right. I will not hear a bad word said about the Spanish. However, their ironing boards need sorting out. Cause every hotel ironing board in Spain nearly takes a fucking finger off for me.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Oh, the mechanism.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  Nearly. I was ironing.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Naked?

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. Fucking hell.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  Not much left.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  It was close. It wafted past, it brushed past it and I thought, my knob nearly just come off then.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  El Nobbo.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, El Nobbo. That's what they would have called me around Spain. El No Nobbo. So that, that, I, every day, like every time I go to Spain, their ironing boards, they can't, they don't go down like ours. They're, they're, they're a hazard.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  What's Spanish for ironing board?

• 13:30Speaker 00

  No idea.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Rodrigo, what's Spanish for ironing board?

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Oh, doesn't that sound nice? Table de what?

• 13:39Speaker 03

  Table de plancha.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Plancha.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Should have gone down to reception and said, oh, your table de plancha has just nearly had my knob off.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  Plancha.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Anyway.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  With a P? Plancha. Sorry, my.

• 13:50Speaker 03

  How do you say in Spanish, the ironing board just nearly took my knob off?

• 13:55Speaker 01

  We'll give you a minute, Rodrigo.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  I would have said that in Spanish, Rodrigo.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Ow, I think.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  What would I say, Rodrigo?

• 14:07Speaker 00

  And then, but I had, and I found this as well. And again, if you're listening in Spain, I love you and I do plan on moving out there. The, the shower tap, right? It's never quite, oh, it's never quite cold. Either scold you or it's too cold. Right. And one day I'm like on my knees and I got it perfect. I'm like, don't touch that. It's perfect.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Why were you on your knees?

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Right. And I was like, screw it. And I get it. Got it perfect. So don't touch that. It's spot on. Right. And then every day I'd come to shower at night and the bloody cleaner would clean it and then put it back to like the setting. So I'm stalking.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Fucking staff.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  I'm stalking out like, like a sniper for two days. I caught her in act. And she couldn't speak a word of English and I couldn't speak a word of Spanish. So I'm going, you see that shower tap there? That when you clean, glassy as much as glassy, it's very good job. And when you're clean, don't turn it back to the middle. Just keep it there. Cause it's, it's perfect. I see senor, I see senor. I'm like, just, just there.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Keep it there. And I'm like showing her, keep it there. No clean, no clean. Just go see senor, see senor.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  And the next day.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Fucking moved it back. Moved it back.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  Could you not have used one of those translation apps and played her the, the request?

• 15:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  That's what I do.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Should have done, but I thought I'd explained it. I was like, see, you're doing great job. But yeah. So other than that, ironing boards and shower taps. I won't hear a bad word said about this. What else been going on?

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Well, oh, well, I tell you what, Mikey and I, our favourite thing we did in Chicago, we went to the new, and I know, I mean, I did think as I was going there. I took a picture. We'll put it on our carousel. I thought Jordan would not understand this. But there was a new Barnes and Noble bookshop that opened in the city centre.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Who?

• 15:49Speaker 01

  Barnes and Noble. It's their version of Waterstones.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Is that like your Donny Line and Burdock?

• 15:53Speaker 01

  No, Barnes and Noble is a bookshop. But it's the first time there's been a Barnes and Noble in the city centre since Covid. They're all sort of outside. And Mike and I always say about Chicago, in the couple of times we've been there, needs a good bookshop in the centre. Didn't have one. And then we turn up, we're walking on the first day around and we pass it on Wednesday. New Barnes and Noble opening. So we went for opening day.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. Which was very exciting.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  Not waste your holidays, dear.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  No, they were stocking just good manners, which I was thrilled about. So that was nice. The paperback.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Shocked they've not sold them out.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  Did you sign it?

• 16:27Speaker 01

  No. I try not to sign the paperbacks.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Why?

• 16:31Speaker 01

  No, I do. I just, no, I didn't have it. I was on holiday, Jordan. I wasn't working. Um, and unlike, I don't carry a sharpie around.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Also, speaking of which, when did, when did someone take a picture of my books in my living room and post it on Instagram?

• 16:44Speaker 01

  I did.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  Well, you know, I don't like me else being posted.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  I've got on, um.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  And like a weird combination. I only realised when I posted it. It was like Nick Grimshaw.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Book.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Book about the BBC.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  A book about the BBC.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Still to read. I bought that when we went to that hotel in January.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. That was a nice bookshop.

• 17:06Speaker 00

  That was a nice bookshop. Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Well, sorry.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Well.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Did you feel your privacy? I mean, it was mainly my books or our books. I didn't feel it was much of a privacy breach.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  Have you found your microwave yet?

• 17:17Speaker 00

  Yes. It was Izzy.

• 17:20Speaker 01

  I don't think it was.

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Someone hid it behind the bath. In the bath. It was Izzy.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  What lark. The other thing, talking of drinks, and we had it in Chicago, and I know you're a big proponent of this. I'm gonna say it. I don't like chilled reds.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  I disagree. He's got.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Right. I sort of, I sort of get it.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  A Rioja, a full bodied red should be chilled.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  Outside in Spain, in heat, I sort of get it because it's hot outside. But when you're in an air conditioned restaurant in Chicago, I do not want my red wine chilled. I want it room temperature, sombre, like red wine is generally meant to be and has been for years.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  No, not all reds can be chilled. And when we say chilled, don't, I'm not an expert.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Not fresh out of the fridge.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's not like a, a white wine or a rosé has got to be ice cold, really chilled. A red has just got to be.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Slightly disagree on the white wine.

• 18:19Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, you've got to have that white wine really cold, chilled with ice. Put it in the freezer and then take it out before. But a red should be just.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  You put, hang on, you put the wiped wine in the freezer?

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Can we get a message to your father, please? I do not think he would agree with putting white wine in a freezer before you drink it.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Well, what they, what they say about red wine is.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're that's the expert.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  On the chilled front. Is that obviously you are supposed to drink it at room temperature. That's, that's pretty agreed upon. But back in day, hundreds of years ago, room temperature, much colder than it was.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah.

• 18:55Speaker 03

  So this idea of it being warm, as you're saying.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  No.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  Doesn't stand up to, to tradition.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Warm. I just don't want it cold.

• 19:03Speaker 03

  How do you like your martinis?

• 19:05Speaker 00

  Chill.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Ice cold.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  There we go.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  And none of you are gonna bless me by the way?

• 19:09Speaker 03

  Bless you.

• 19:10Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  I think actually, oh, you should do that for an escape tomorrow. Please make a note. Um, the bless you thing, I think it's outdated. Cause the whole bless you thing, I'll do a bonus one now for you. Here's William's, uh, is.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  Oh, I know everyone knows this because they thought it was the.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  The plague.

• 19:24Speaker 00

  Soul leaving your body.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  And on the basis that I don't think that your soul is leaving your body, I don't think you need to say bless you or draw attention to it.

• 19:31Speaker 00

  I don't think we need to say break a leg in the West End.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Well, just as well. You won't be hearing it.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Oh, uh, before we move on, do I still, oh, sorry, Ben, go on.

• 19:42Speaker 03

  I was just gonna pick up on, obviously in the last Tuesday episode you recorded, I was at Boomtown. Um, and there was a question that came up. Sorry?

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Were you not here?

• 19:52Speaker 03

  No, no, I wasn't here. I was, I was away. Um, and we, obviously, I don't know, William, I don't know if you've been to a festival.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  His voice making your hangover worse.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  But, um, but obviously at a festival, you've got like five days together with, when we, there's only four of us. So the conversation did get a bit desperate at times. Um, and conversation came on to Jordan's performance in Toy Story five.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 20:13Speaker 03

  Um, and my friend Leoni wondered if, when you were in Toy Story five, obviously you were a garden gnome, if you were method or not. Like, did, did you sort of get into the character by standing around in your garden?

• 20:25Speaker 00

  I stood at the back of the garden with a fishing rod for.

• 20:27Speaker 03

  For days.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  For a few days to get into character.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  Hmm. Okay. Sean went to the zoo, stood on one leg.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, I did get into, I did take it very serious. No, no, no, don't sit there.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Quick, before they come back.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  On Disney Plus. Do you know that yet?

• 20:42Speaker 00

  I'm not.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Are you the official spokesman?

• 20:46Speaker 00

  If I can say this, but someone I know very well, might have watched it, but watched it on a dodgy box. So, and I will report them to Disney.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  Yes, I would.

• 20:59Speaker 00

  I will. Um, watched it. Had all the kids saying, right, it's coming up. And it was the American version. So I'm not in that. That's it.

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Was their fault for watching it illegally.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  Exactly. Exactly.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, they've only got themselves to blame. Um, final thing, when we're on our flight, oh, and also shout out to George, who was lovely. Um, female George, who looked after us and was very excited that Mikey and I were, were on the flight. I noticed, and I've, it's a way, I've noticed this all the time. The entertainment screen will flash up as you're sort of landing. And they're going through that routine of, you know, take your seats, cabin crew seats. It flashes up. Entertainment will be available twenty, up until 20 minutes after landing. And then it got me thinking. Does anyone actually ever think?

• 21:45Speaker 01

  I've got 20 minutes left of this film. I really wanna see, I'm just gonna, the plane has landed, everyone's disembarking, and there is someone sitting there, watching the end of Deadpool.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Has anyone ever done that?

• 21:56Speaker 00

  Hoover in rounder. Feet, feet!

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Because I, I have a lovely time on planes. Everyone looks, you know, the hospitality is great. I get that. But the moment it lands and those drawers are open, I would like to leave. I do not, I can't think of anything worse than sitting there and finishing off an episode of Modern Family. However much I love Modern Family. Who does that?

• 22:14Speaker 00

  Sorry, where are you going to next? We've got an hour of Shawshank Redemption, so.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  And I know we have one or two cabin crew that listen to us. Could you let us know?

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Are there any passengers that sit there transfixed to watch their, what they're watching? I'd love to know if that actually is a thing. Why is it available 20 minutes after landing?

• 22:32Speaker 00

  I, I met many lovely June divas on holiday. You guys are the best.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Count on it.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  There was one that was listening to us.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  Oh, on holiday, not just on the aircraft?

• 22:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. So it's great. Before we move on, I still owe you money for like

• 22:45Speaker 01

  Gas.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  Gas for barbecue.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you wanna do it now?

• 22:48Speaker 00

  I'll sort it out after.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Do you wanna do it now?

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Well, alright. You're not that desperate. You're doing alright, aren't you?

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Not in the West End anymore, so you know.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Alright. You're gonna add interest. How much is it? You're being, you're being weird because you've

• 23:02Speaker 01

  I've text you twice about it.

• 23:03Speaker 00

  You've given me three different prices. Once it was 40, then it was 50, then it was 60. Just give me a fucking price and I'll pay it.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  70.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  How much was it?

• 23:11Speaker 01

  I think it was about 70.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  I don't wanna bow, just tell me how much it was.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Uh, 72 pounds.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Was it actually?

• 23:17Speaker 01

  50.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Was it actually?

• 23:18Speaker 01

  72 pounds 50.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  Right, I'll pay it.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  It was 55 quid last week.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  I know, he's making it up. Can I just, can you just tell me how much it was and I'll pay it there? I might see if I can

• 23:27Speaker 01

  I've gotta go back weeks in my transactions to find it.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  June divas, I might see if I can stretch this out till Christmas.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Jordan, you will anyway. You won't need to try.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  I'll sort you out. It's good to be back.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  It's lovely to be back.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  It's good to be back. It's September now. It's a new season.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Big day tomorrow.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  Have you seen all the, why?

• 23:48Speaker 00

  What are you doing?

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Oh, it's your birthday!

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Thank you very much.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  Oh shit!

• 23:54Speaker 01

  You coming to the dinner?

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Why didn't you tell me I would've got your, oh shit, let me put that off.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  It's alright, you can still post it tomorrow and it'll arrive on Wednesday, so it's fine.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  I'll do you a, a big moon pig.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  No, you really don't need to.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Oh, William, I'm sorry.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  You can just pay me.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  William's birthday.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  Add on a zero and we'll call it quits.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm so sorry. Happy birthday for tomorrow.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Thank you so much.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Happy birthday.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  32.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  For tomorrow.

• 24:20Speaker 00

  Why didn't you tell me? No.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Because it's normally I have to remind Jordan about people's birthdays, so I

• 24:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, why didn't you remind me?

• 24:27Speaker 01

  I can't go, by the way, it's my birthday.

• 24:29Speaker 00

  Just to let you know, it's my birthday tomorrow. I would've brought your cars.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  On the 2nd of September, National William Day.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  I'll get you a candle or something. I'm so sorry. Happy birthday.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Happy birthday.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 24:37Speaker 00

  Alright, let's move on.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Um, well, it's Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. What more of a present could I, could I want?

• 24:43Speaker 00

  And because it's your birthday.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  You're gonna skip it.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  I've got your Disney themed one. That you're gonna love.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  Don't say it's Mary Poppins, Super Cal, da, da, da.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  No, um, it's a class one, this.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Well, shall we have the jingle whilst you scroll through your phone?

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. And the divorce lawyer turns to Mickey and says, listen Mickey, there's no way you can work things out by any chance, is there? And I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

• 25:27Speaker 04

  Hello, I'm Luke Jones.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  And I'm Poppy Damon.

• 25:30Speaker 04

  We love all the strange true crime stories that you might flick through on a newspaper and think, hang on a minute.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  And this is Strangely, a podcast where every week we bring you the weirdest, wildest stories ripped straight from the headlines or our notebooks from both sides of the Atlantic.

• 25:46Speaker 04

  From the stories that you almost certainly missed in the headlines.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  To the ones you did see and thought, that's odd, but never got to revisit again.

• 25:53Speaker 04

  If you like strange news.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  Unexpected twists.

• 25:56Speaker 04

  And stories that linger on way longer than they should.

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Listen and subscribe now. Search for Strangely wherever you get your podcasts.

• 26:10Speaker 00

  Alright, June divas, thanks for sticking with us. It's now time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. This one's from Hannah Grace on Insta. Thanks Hannah. Um, she says, William's a big Disney fan, so I love this. Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer turns to Mickey and says, listen mate, is there no way you can work this out? Mickey says, no, I'm done. The divorce lawyer says, thing is, you can't use her being a bit wacky as a reason to divorce her. And Mickey says, what are you on about? The divorce lawyer says, well, you said you wanna leave her because she's a bit wacky. And Mickey says, no, I said I'm leaving her because she's fucking goofy.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  So good one.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  It is, yeah.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  There you go. Hannah, that's a great one for a new term.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  And just one?

• 27:06Speaker 00

  I'll just, I'll leave

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Oh my god!

• 27:07Speaker 00

  Always leave them laughing.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  It is

• 27:10Speaker 00

  Always leave them laughing.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  It is a birthday present.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  She's fucking goofy.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  It is very funny. Yeah.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Get it?

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Neither of us are ever working for Disney Ever.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  Okay. Uh, right, let's do your listeners' problems, questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected]. Or you can DM us, we're at Sex and My Boss on socials. And remember, we have no idea what's coming up. We're reading these for the first time as well as you.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  This first dilemma is from Chris, Dear William and Jordan. Thank you for the bi-weekly entertainment. You make my laborious drive to work a lot more fun. But please, can you tell me, what is the etiquette for taking out a phone or other video recording device in an upmarket restaurant to make a video for your social media posts? I can't help but think this is bad table manners. I await William's answer. I mean excuses. Keep up the good work, boys. Chris in Suffolk.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, because you content queens, what is, you're on your own little, you've got your own roles, haven't you?

• 28:02Speaker 01

  We do, yes.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  You influencers. Do you class yourself as an influencer?

• 28:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  What's wrong with being an influencer?

• 28:10Speaker 01

  I'm, but I am a Time 100 content creator of the year.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Very good.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  So I've actually found a copy of the print edition of Time. It's got my whole profile in it.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  We'll get it up and we'll get it up on

• 28:23Speaker 01

  No, you know me, I don't need my accolades on the wall.

• 28:31Speaker 00

  I'll bring my trick award then.

• 28:33Speaker 01

  I don't wanna see your trick award.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  Bring that, we'll get it

• 28:36Speaker 01

  What do you get a trick award for?

• 28:37Speaker 00

  Radio presenter.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Oh, because it's TV and radio. Sorry. Yeah, I thought it was just TV. Which of the one series shows? Didn't get a second series, got a trick award. It didn't. Obviously it's radio and that's very good. What was it? Radio presenter of the year? What was it?

• 28:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Very good. I'm not, I'm not belittling it. I think it's, that's

• 28:56Speaker 00

  It sounds like, yeah, if I'm honest. Um, yeah. Get your phone out in general, because I had some lovely meals on holiday and I were filming it. And I'll put them up on the carousel. I'll send you some pictures of my food. Right, I will send that.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Fantastic. Just, just like Instagram was invented for.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  Can you conceal my holiday food? Because I took loads. Um, are you allowed to do that? What's the rules?

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, if the, I mean, restaurants like it because you often, you know, not just, I'm, forget me, but other people, um, will, you know, tag the restaurants. It's, it's marketing. I mean, we're always very careful. We try not to, we try not to get other people in the, in the shop. So we don't invade their privacy. We try to do it very quickly and discreetly. I mean, I sit there and I rehearse what I'm gonna say before I actually do it. And we sort of do a little dry run. Um, and now we're very lucky that we work with restaurants. So they will invite us in and sort of put us in a corner or somewhere and they encourage it. So that's, that makes my life a lot easier. Because back in the day when we started doing these little videos, it was a bit like, oh, quick, find a table, record, da, da, da. Whereas now, everyone in the restaurant seems to know what we're doing anyway.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  What's the etiquette for, say, you go to a nice fancy London restaurant?

• 29:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  And you've saved up for a few months for it and you've treated your other half?

• 30:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  And you come down to London?

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  And you pay. And then you get sat, you sit down, and then two posh boys walk in. One tall, one smaller, but his little prodigy. And they start recording etiquette videos. What, what would be the etiquette there? Could you say, can you shut up? Or could you say, excuse me, can you read me away?

• 30:22Speaker 01

  Well, how is it any different from two people sitting next to you at a dining table chatting?

• 30:27Speaker 00

  Well, it's not.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  If anything, there's one person not speaking and the other one's speaking. So actually there's 50% less.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Happy anniversary, love. Thank you. You too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was out in Soho and, oh, like, the twinks were twinkling. Anyway, ready to record, yeah. So if your coffee is hot, remember, for it to cool down, just leave, and you'd be like, what are them two going on about over there? Fucking hell, 60 quid for a starter and them two. So.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Let's listen, let's listen and see if he's got anything good to say.

• 30:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  If your coffee's too hot.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  Thinking, I'm driving

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Pile on William Day, isn't it?

• 31:04Speaker 00

  He's thinking, love, I've spent three months, I'm doing 60 hours a week driving my lorry. And this guy is telling people how to wait for the coffee to come.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  There was actually He's just been served some peas. Let us wait. Surely there's something better here.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  Oh, hang on, hang on. He's got a banana. What's he gonna do with it?

• 31:22Speaker 00

  You'd be fuming. You'd be livid.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  I love making Ben laugh.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  You're so rude.

• 31:31Speaker 00

  One thing I'll say about you, Hanson, is you can take it.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Not often.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  You can take it. All right, let's go on to another one.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  This is from Dean, William, Jordan, all the Sexton team. I'm currently having a discussion with a friend over dinner and wine. My friend feels she is no money, full class, and I'm some money, no class. The basis for this argument is colour schemes. I have a house full of greys and whites. My friend would favour greens and blues with some scatterings of random colours. We need your expert opinion on which would be classier. Simple colour schemes, greys and whites with a splash of colour in the style of a modern hotel, or a mix of colours, styles and textures. Imagine the style of Muckross House in Highclere. Please settle this debate. Kindest regards, Dean. Well, over to colourblind Jordan North.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Well, they say money shouts while whispers. Is that right? Something like that, isn't it? What?

• 32:26Speaker 01

  That's why Jordan's got a very loud voice.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  But I, I'm starting to disagree on the greys. I think the old millennial greys.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  Millennial grey.

• 32:35Speaker 00

  If you just type in, wherever you're listening now on TikTok, millennial grey, which was very much me, my Scandi style. Apparently it's like coming out now. It's all about your greens and, and there's loads of videos like, do you remember all the colour we had? So, but honestly, you be you, whatever you, it, it's your house. Whatever you like. If you like yellow and reds.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  No matter what people say, you stick to your guns because they'll soon get used to it and warm to it.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  What on earth is yellow?

• 33:06Speaker 01

  Yellow and reds. And also, why would you put yellow and red together?

• 33:09Speaker 00

  Well, I'm just saying yellows and blues. And your reds.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Can you not just say yellow?

• 33:14Speaker 00

  Yellow.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  Yellow.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Yellow.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Yellow.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  Are you?

• 33:20Speaker 03

  Lower.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Yellow.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Yellow. Can't say it.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  How about, say, um, oh my goodness.

• 33:29Speaker 00

  Oh my goodness.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  Right. Now just say, oh my.

• 33:32Speaker 00

  Oh my.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  Now say, oh.

• 33:33Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Yellow.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  Yellow.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 33:36Speaker 00

  Yellow. Oh no, that sounds weird.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  No, it doesn't. It sounds correct.

• 33:40Speaker 00

  Yellow. Anyway, so I'm, I'm not bothered. And if you're like, if you're like millennial greys, you could do.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. The great thing is, Dean, your, your friend can do whatever they like in their house and you can do whatever you like in your house.

• 33:50Speaker 00

  But what do you think is classier personally? What colours? What's your colour scheme?

• 33:55Speaker 01

  It also, well, it also depends on the style of house. Cause if you're in a modern city centre apartment, sort of in a high rise with glass, you're, you're not going to do bright colours. You are going to keep it quite neutral. Whereas if you're in an older style property.

• 34:06Speaker 00

  Like a townhouse.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can do colour because that's often what the Victorians or Georgians or Walians did. So it'd be more in keeping with the house. Our sitting room is pink, as you know, with the sofa.

• 34:16Speaker 03

  The sofa.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  Oh god, that sofa. Oh, I'd struggle with that. We're going to hang over. Won't be able to dust.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  I wouldn't have got out the door.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  No, I won't be able to dust on that settee.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  I'm sorry. I don't want you doing that. Put a towel down if you're going to do that.

• 34:29Speaker 00

  Dust.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  What?

• 34:31Speaker 00

  You're not, you know what dossing is, don't you?

• 34:34Speaker 01

  Well, yes.

• 34:34Speaker 03

  William hasn't dusted once in his life.

• 34:36Speaker 00

  You know what dossing is? My mum used to say to, you lot aren't dossing all day. You can get out.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  Why are you doing that in front of your mother?

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Dossing just means to, like, dos, to.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  Lay about.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Lay about, lays about on settee.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  But like.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  We're hanging over. No, it's not to do with what you think. It's dossing about. Mum used to say, it's like a dos house in here.

• 34:57Speaker 01

  Probably was.

• 34:57Speaker 00

  It's a dos house. Is that offensive?

• 34:59Speaker 03

  I, I think the classiest colour scheme is just to paint everything red.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  You've got a vested interest in that.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  I do think, Dean, that, um, colour drenching is varying at the moment. That's very classy.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Depends on the room. Yeah.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  So you basically paint your ceiling the same colour as your walls.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  And the skirting boards.

• 35:18Speaker 00

  And the skirting boards.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Door frames and the door.

• 35:20Speaker 00

  And the, yeah. Oh god, yeah. It's colour drenched.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. Our, our guest bedroom is colour drenched. It's in a sort of a terracotta colour, red earth, if you're interested in Farnborough.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  My living room is.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  But not, oh, not in red earth. Sorry. I was thinking, no, it's, it's greeny, isn't it? You're not the same colour as me.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  No, I could bathroom is colour drenched as well.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  And.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  You've found something and you're sticking with it.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Just, just do whatever works, but less is more. And if you are maybe a first time colour user, maybe just go gently.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  And this is where you can use, um, AI. You can upload a picture of your sitting room or your bathroom or whatever and go make the walls blah, blah, blah colour. If you want to have a look what it's going to look like. And it's obviously, you know, it's not a hundred percent accurate, but you can sort of get a flavour for what it looks like.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  I've done that for me crittle by folding doors, which were way more expensive than what I thought. That gas money might have to wait actually.

• 36:15Speaker 03

  I, I, I did that as well. Um, do you remember at Jordan's barbecue? Cause I, I, I was twanging with getting a new hairstyle around Jordan's barbecue.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yes. Have you seen these photos?

• 36:25Speaker 00

  No.

• 36:26Speaker 03

  I was doing a straw poll with everyone at the party, whether they wanted, they liked the look of my new.

• 36:31Speaker 01

  Cause you were going to go blonde, weren't you?

• 36:32Speaker 03

  I was going to go like this.

• 36:34Speaker 00

  I saw that.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Oh, don't throw your phone. Just get up. Oh my god.

• 36:39Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Describe what you see.

• 36:43Speaker 03

  Bleach blonde.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  We'll put that up on the Insta. Who's he look like there?

• 36:47Speaker 01

  Wow. Brittany?

• 36:50Speaker 00

  No.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Oh, god, say it. George is throwing.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Go on, take next one.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  This is from James. Dear William, Jordan, EPB and the rest of the Sexton team, long time listener, long time viewer and long time witness to William's ongoing battle with the general public's manners. I now find myself in need of guidance before I commit a social atrocity involving fortified wine. William, this one is directed at you as it concerns etiquette, ritual and the possibility of me being silently judged by several men in dinner jackets. I'm a Freemason and have been for five years.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  I'd love to see what that's about. Freemasonry.

• 37:26Speaker 01

  And at our formal dining after meetings, we follow the usual traditions, toasts, port and the collective hope that nobody does anything memorable enough to be mentioned at the next meeting. My question is simple. Should the port decanter ever leave the table? Or is that the sort of behaviour that results in a lot of shaking heads? Furthermore, we are instructed to pass the port to the left. I have just been given several explanations ranging from naval customs to sword placement to just do it and stop asking. I'd appreciate clarification as no one seems to have a consistent answer. They seem to believe. Thank you on anticipation. James.

• 37:55Speaker 00

  I'd like to know this because there's a port in the army. My dad and my brother have been port find and it's something to do with port and where you put it and how you pass it at the table.

• 38:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. So there's, there is a, um, so you do pass ports to the left. I mean, I should actually say, if you want the real sort of interesting thing. Anything in British dining is meant to be passed around to the left. Other countries other than port, it goes around to the right, but we are the only country where everything goes.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  Like the roads.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Like the roads. Not because of the roads, but yes. Um, now port, yes, it would start, you, it's not meant to stop now. And it's sort of meant until it is empty. Personally, you've got to have a flipping big table and even then, if you've got 30 around the table and it's going. Port is incredibly strong. It's a fortified wine. You're going to get drunk pretty quickly and I'm not in favour of that. I think that's slightly irresponsible. Particularly at the end of a dinner when you've probably had other stuff to drink as well. So I don't love the, it must never stop until it's empty thing. I think that's a bit antiquated. Fine for it to stop after it's done a lap and then it starts again. Once, you know, people have had it.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  I think that's what they do in the army, maybe.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  But it, it's, yeah, I think it's fine for it just to take a pause. And if there are three of you, then you know, it's ridiculous. As for why it goes around to the left, my gut, and this is a guess, and again, it's, well, it's either just something that has just happened and it's just become law, in inverted commas. Or how we seat people is you have, if I'm the host, my guest of honour is to my right. And in Britain, predominantly historically, the people that made the rules were the aristocracy and the royal family. And so you put your decanter of port in front of the guest of honour, which would be to the right. And then it would go to the, to the host, who was a member of the aristocracy next, and then just continue. So the host got it second.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  In America, they see when they do serving, not a porch, they do guest of honour first and then to the right. So the host gets served last, a bit more democratic, a bit more American. But that is my logic as to why it goes around to the left. But yeah.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Do you like port?

• 39:59Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, it's all right.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  Have you ever had port and WKD?

• 40:04Speaker 01

  No, and we're not doing that next week. I'm just making absolutely clear. Can we not just do something nice?

• 40:10Speaker 00

  Do you know what that's called?

• 40:11Speaker 01

  What?

• 40:11Speaker 00

  A cheeky vimp toe. Isn't it? Oh, I've not had a cheeky vimp toe since Benidorm.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Can we just do?

• 40:17Speaker 00

  Magaluf.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  Can I do port and something else?

• 40:19Speaker 00

  No, next week.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  I don't like WKD.

• 40:20Speaker 00

  Next week, we will have a cheeky vimp toe.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Okay, but I'm never going to like it.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  And if you want, I've got loads of port. Just get a nice port and blue. Yeah, we'll have that. That could be our new drink.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  My, uh, one of my former flatmates, Lucas, uh, and I once did an entire bottle of port one evening.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Oof, I bet you're rough next day.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  That was an interesting night.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  I bet that.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't hangover the next day. I was remarkably fine. But again, I think as I stuck to one drink, it's when you mix. That's, I think, when, when you've, you've got a problem.

• 40:52Speaker 00

  Mate, cheeky vimp toes next Tuesday's episode.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Just a martini?

• 40:56Speaker 00

  No, I've done that. Do you remember when I made a martini before and you're like, oh, oh, years ago?

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Yes, actually I do. Can we, actually we should find that.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  And now that's your favourite drink.

• 41:04Speaker 01

  It's literally my favourite drink.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  Um, our final dilemma is I've got friends coming around tonight for martini Monday.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  Oh Christ, you live the life, you don't?

• 41:13Speaker 01

  But they're coming round. We've decided it's more affordable if they come round.

• 41:16Speaker 00

  At the time of recording?

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:17Speaker 00

  Oh no, because I haven't, I said I haven't mentioned it, but tonight I'll be dreading it. I'll probably get about three, four hours sleep because it's just the first.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  It was pointed out to me that you, in fact, it's one, one of our YouTube comments, you made such a song and dance about, can I just say, for a whole year, I have not mentioned getting up early.

• 41:33Speaker 00

  I haven't.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  And someone commented in the same episode that you said that, about three minutes in, you'd mentioned it.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  Well, anyway, just so you know, tonight, you know, I'm dreading it because I've not, I've not been in work for two and a bit weeks. So there's four fifteen alarm tomorrow. And then you, you know, it's like, and you're listening, if you ever, it's like when you're getting up for a flight or something like, oh, right. If I go to sleep now, I'll get three hours, four hours.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  What? You should go to bed early.

• 42:03Speaker 00

  I will, but you just, it's weird. I'm out of, I'll, I'll try and be in bed for half nine.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  Try, try earlier.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'll let you know. I'll let you know how I get on. I know you're dancing now.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are. Our final dilemma.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Just before we move on, there, there was some sort of number crunching in terms of the number of times that Jordan has mentioned that he's been up at four a.m.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Fantastic.

• 42:22Speaker 03

  If you want to hear them now, I'm happy to share.

• 42:24Speaker 00

  Go for it.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  Uh, you mentioned it at least 28 times across 23 episodes of the podcast, uh, in the last year.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  No, I haven't.

• 42:32Speaker 03

  And in 12 of those, he insists he never mentions it. Um, it's also worth pointing out that, that, that is, um, when you mentioned specifically four a.m. There are also several other mentions of, I wake up very early.

• 42:46Speaker 03

  Or early start.

• 42:47Speaker 00

  That's bollocks. Where's he got that from? AI?

• 42:49Speaker 03

  It's just the facts.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  Is that AI?

• 42:51Speaker 03

  It's from the transcripts.

• 42:56Speaker 00

  This is bullshit.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  Read it and weep.

• 42:59Speaker 00

  My lawyers will be in touch.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  Listen to it and weep.

• 43:01Speaker 00

  My lawyers will be in touch.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  Well, so will ours and we look forward to winning.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  I'll see you in court.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  Fine.

• 43:08Speaker 00

  You set of shit.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Our final dilemma is from anonymous. Hi, William Jordan, producer Ben. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for seven. Recently, my husband has been away on a work trip for three weeks. When he finally got home, it's safe to say we were both very excited to see each other. The front door had barely closed before the socks and pants were on the floor.

• 43:27Speaker 00

  Oh, go on.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Now, apologies for the detail, but it is essential to the story. Just before things progressed, my husband suddenly announced that he could feel a fart brewing.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  At least he said it.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  He grabbed a Kleenex, positioned it accordingly, and what he thought was a small shart made an appearance.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  Sorry, what? Sorry. Did he know it was going to be a fart or a shart? Why did he grab a Kleenex?

• 43:52Speaker 01

  And what is a shart?

• 43:54Speaker 00

  Your shit and fart.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  Oh. Okay. Still on all fours, he awkwardly apologised. After 15 years together, I wasn't particularly phased, so I told him it was fine, took the tissue took the tissue from him and went to flush it down the loo. Except before I

• 44:11Speaker 01

  before, oh my god.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  Burning man, I'm very, very hungover, so I don't know if I want to hear this.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  Before I flushed, I looked at the tissue. Read as it was not a shart. There, staring back at me from this innocent Kleenex, was what appeared to be a rather unmistakable helping of man porridge.

• 44:29Speaker 01

  Now.

• 44:32Speaker 01

  As a fellow man.

• 44:34Speaker 00

  Oh, is it?

• 44:35Speaker 01

  Okay, it's a gay couple. I feel fairly confident in saying that I know what man porridge looks like, and this was man porridge. I completely froze. Rather than saying anything, I flushed the evidence down the loo, returned to my husband and carried on as though I hadn't just become the lead detective in a very niche episode of Silent Witness. But afterwards, my brain caught up with me. My husband had been away for three weeks. We hadn't seen each other during that time. We're monogamous. And unless I have dramatically misunderstood the male anatomy for my entire adult life, I cannot work out how another man's porridge could possibly have made its way there. So my dilemma is, do I ask my husband what on earth I found in that Kleenex and risk making a very awkward situation considerably worse? Or is there another innocent explanation I'm completely missing and I should take this mystery to my grave? What do I do?

• 45:21Speaker 01

  There is no other innocent explanation I can give you, I'm afraid.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  There is one explanation, you know it, anonymous.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  My hangover has just got worse.

• 45:33Speaker 00

  Okay, so you probably should speak to him and there might be a reasonable explanation.

• 45:40Speaker 01

  Like what?

• 45:41Speaker 00

  It might not have been jizz.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Well, if it's white stuff coming out your bottom and it's not jizz, you need to go to a bloody doctor pretty quickly.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Well, there you go, it could be that, so.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  And also, like.

• 45:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, just, yeah, there might be an explanation because that would be weird, especially if he'd just landed. How's he gonna, how's he got man porridge up there?

• 46:02Speaker 01

  Has he just landed? Uh, work trip. Just, he was just home.

• 46:08Speaker 00

  So.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Could have happened, you know.

• 46:12Speaker 00

  So, yeah, I mean, it's hardly going to happen in taxi, is it? So.

• 46:16Speaker 01

  You never know. We've all seen the films.

• 46:19Speaker 00

  Is that an option on Uber now or something?

• 46:20Speaker 01

  What?

• 46:21Speaker 00

  Man porridge. So there could be a reasonable explanation.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  Uber XXX.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  Pluck up the, pluck up the courage, very good.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  To speak to him. Oh, god. Also, you just said I'm gonna go to toilet a sec. Carry on.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, don't like.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  You'd be like.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Also, especially if.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  I just need to go to toilet. You carry on playing with yourself for two minutes. Yeah, yeah, great, great, I'm back in a sec, that kind of thing.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Especially if, if you have been cheating and you are aware that you might have quote unquote man porridge up your bum. Don't think, oh, do you know what? I'll just sort of get, do that in front of my partner. Presumably, you would want to go and sit on the loo and deal with it there and sort of keep.

• 47:01Speaker 00

  I need some fresh air, come on, wrap this up. Christ alive, I'm gonna have to have a pint.

• 47:05Speaker 01

  Anonymous, talk to your partner.

• 47:08Speaker 00

  Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected]. We love hearing back from the people we offer advice to as well, so if that's you, get in touch. And we could be speaking about you and your correspondence on Friday. We'll see you then, goodbye.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Goodbye.

• 47:45Speaker 04

  Hello, I'm Luke Jones.

• 47:46Speaker 02

  And I'm Poppy Damon.

• 47:47Speaker 04

  We love all the strange true crime stories that you might flick through on a newspaper and think, hang on a minute.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  And this is Strangely, a podcast where every week we bring you the weirdest, wildest stories ripped straight from the headlines or our notebooks from both sides of the Atlantic.

• 48:04Speaker 04

  From the stories that you almost certainly missed in the headlines.

• 48:07Speaker 02

  To the ones you did see and thought, that's odd, but never got to revisit again.

• 48:11Speaker 04

  If you like strange news.

• 48:12Speaker 02

  Unexpected twists.

• 48:14Speaker 04

  And stories that linger on way longer than they should.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Listen and subscribe now. Search for Strangely wherever you get your podcasts.