Help That’s Not Beauty OR The Beast | Uno’s Gone Woke

How would you react if you got more than you bargained for from a dodgy copy of Beauty and The Beast? William and Jordan find out the answer to that question and more. Jordan's also complaining that your favourite holiday card game has gone "woke" and William wraps up his time on the West End, never to be mentioned again! If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike, and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:34Speaker 01

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like, is it okay to ask your situationship for your sunglasses back? Or how do you pick the perfect outfit for mincing around town on your new Vespa? And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony ants, are we? William Hanson, the UK's zine etiquette expert and former West End star.

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Former, right, gosh. How quickly the star fades.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Showbiz, baby.

• 1:07Speaker 00

  Yes. No, we're not. Jordan North, Capital Radio Show breakfast and former Toy Story Five star. I'm more uptown girl, you're more Jenny from the block. That's from Cassandra.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  I'm still Jenny from the book.

• 1:19Speaker 00

  Used to have a little, but I have a lot.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  That's not true.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  What? That's the lyric?

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, but I'm not like Jenny from the block.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  Oh. Who are you like?

• 1:28Speaker 01

  I'm still Jody from the block.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Hmm. Or something that rhymes with it. This week's toast goes to Lauren via her sister Vic, who said, hello, my favourite dilemma daddies, scenario sluts and quandary queens. I would love if I could ask you for a birthday shout out for my sister Lauren, aka Big Yin, who just turned 40. She is the one who made me a Jean Diva in 2019 by insisting that I give this hilariously... You see, now I'm using the measure.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  I'm just pouring. Come here, mate. Come on.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  Okay. Sorry. I give this hilariously raunchy podcast a go. I've been hooked ever since. Not only is she turning 40, but she weds her partner of 23 years this year on Halloween. Interesting. Meanwhile, my first date last week asked if I could get the drinks because he only had £10 on him. Hooray. Anyway, I love you all dearly. Thanks for having my side splitting twice a week. Love. Vic, aka Wee Yin.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  To Wee Yin.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  No, well, no, this is to Big Yin.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Oh, Big Yin.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Yes, Big Yin.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Ben, can I have my back pillow, please? It's in my Trader Joe's bag.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  I know we're all getting old, but why?

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Oh, you got it. Oh, you will, honestly.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Sorry, Jordan is now making Ben get the cushion because we are wired in to this desk.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, thank you.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Oh, it's got a J on it. Who's given you that?

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Well, usually I have it in the car.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Is that your mum? Is that from Moon Pig?

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I think it is a Wendy North.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought so.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  I've had it that long. Do you know what? I think it was.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  Have you washed that?

• 2:58Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Can I?

• 2:59Speaker 01

  Smell that. It's been in my car. I usually have it for the car.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  You have a cushion in the car?

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Why don't you get one of those beaded seat covers?

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Because I have it for the car. Anyway, I've put me-

• 3:10Speaker 00

  And a box of tissues on the parcel shelf and look like a taxi driver.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Oh, some mints on that seat.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  A little jar. That's better. I've had, I've really hurt my back. I might have to go to the doctors.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  How have you done that?

• 3:22Speaker 01

  At the airport, you know, when you put your bag at check-in on the weighing thing.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  Oh, you seem like you've taken from me.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  And I've twisted my back and I couldn't get back up at Corfu airport. I had to help, I had to get, I heard it as well. It made me feel sick.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  You heard your bag?

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I heard it click. It was horrible. So I'm not being dramatic, but I had to walk around with my back, with a pillow in my bag. So.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  Bless you. And how's the sciatica?

• 3:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, great.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Good.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Great.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  How are you?

• 3:50Speaker 00

  No, how was your holiday?

• 3:51Speaker 01

  It was great. It was lovely. Corfu, beautiful, beautiful island.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Yes, I hear nice things.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  The Corfians, lovely people.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Oh, is that what we call them?

• 4:00Speaker 01

  I think so. Corfians, Corfians. Have you been before?

• 4:03Speaker 00

  I heard once something. No, I haven't. But I did hear, I was in, walking in London behind a couple and they were talking very loudly about going to Corfu, which I thought was...

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Corfu.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Yes, I know, it is Corfu.

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Hi, guys.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  Hi, Ben.

• 4:14Speaker 02

  It's Corfiot.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Oh, the Corfiots.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Corfiots.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  Sorry to the Corfians, Corfiots.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  Kakkrios in Greek?

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Do we have many listeners in Corfu, Ben?

• 4:25Speaker 02

  Probably. We'll find out because they'll tell me I said, I've said that wrong.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  We had a lot on the plane going there and back.

• 4:30Speaker 00

  Everybody, but they were, they're British.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  They were, yeah, they were air stewards.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Of course they were.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  Cabin crew.

• 4:36Speaker 00

  Big with cabin crew.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Was it nice to get off grid?

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was, actually. Yeah. Why are you saying that?

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Just wondering.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  Because I was texting you about scripts. Well, would you rather have a percent said I wasn't bothered or?

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Well, usually you're not bothered until it becomes 5pm on a Friday night and he's texting me saying, can you change this in the script?

• 4:58Speaker 01

  No.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  Says it's time for a beer.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  No, it was, sorry. I did say not for now. I also emailed you on a Sunday as well. I'm so sorry.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  You emailed him? What did you email him about?

• 5:07Speaker 01

  It's nothing to do with you, but I did. Well, I was just, you know, I was showing an interest. I was off grid.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  That's him done for the year then.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Get off. You give the impression that I don't care about this podcast. I very much do. What?

• 5:20Speaker 00

  I'm joking. I'm being wicked obvious.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  I very much do.

• 5:22Speaker 02

  But I think when you're on holiday, you're on holiday. I don't reply to anyone.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, but I'm always on it. But yeah, it's good. It's good. It was lovely. Not here for this, because I went to an all-inclusive and there was different restaurants. Not here for this, oh, this is the Greek Italian. And then you open the menu and it says the chef was inspired by his Greek mother, Italian father.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  A narrative.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  I'm like, you're either one or the other. I don't mean in general, but like, oh god. I meant like, if I'm going to an Italian, I want Italian. I'm going to a Greek restaurant, I want Greek. I don't want prawn spaghetti.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Fusion.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  It's not really for me, but it was lovely.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I think prawn spaghetti is quite Italian.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Is it? I think it's a bit Greek Italian.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Well, we had prawn spaghetti on Saturday Kitchen.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  We had prawn linguine. It wasn't a prawn, it was a prawn.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  I mean, it's broad as it is long.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Prawn bolognese.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  It wasn't prawn bolognese at all?

• 6:15Speaker 01

  No, I'm saying what was on the menu.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Oh, I see. Oh, no, prawn bolognese. That is disgusting.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  It was nice. The connoisseur took a disliking to me.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  The connoisseur?

• 6:22Speaker 01

  The wine connoisseur.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  The sommelier.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Well, what's the difference?

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Well, a connoisseur, you can be a connoisseur of anything.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  The wine sommelier.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Just sommelier. It's not saying the food waiter. You can just say waiter.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Can't you just say wine connoisseur?

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Can you say that?

• 6:38Speaker 00

  You can.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  But anyway, he took a disliking to me because on the first night, I had red wine with salmon.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  I know.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  And some red wines go nicely with salmon, fleurie or something.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  I'm sure he was pretending to be French as well. He said, no, we've got them, it's perfect. Wait, wait, go with the salmon. I went, I'm all right on this. Thanks, Paul. He's like, are you sure that you've got them? And I'm like, I'm not a big white wine fan. So other than that, it was great. I got a pedicure and I've never had one before. And I thought after soccer, my toes and my feet were looking a bit...

• 7:07Speaker 00

  I'm sure Wayne Rooney got a pedicure after soccer, right, as well?

• 7:09Speaker 01

  I bet he did. I thought.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  They all did.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  That 15 minutes of action must have put your feet into all sorts of bother.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  It was 22, actually. So I remember that extra seven minutes. So, but my feet were looking mingin' in the flip flops and I suddenly had like a, what do they call it? Beauty?

• 7:27Speaker 00

  A spa.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  A spa. And I thought, well, I've never had a pedicure before, so I had it.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Are you okay with people touching your feet?

• 7:33Speaker 01

  No, didn't realise this. First like 10 minutes, went, oh, ticklish. And thought, suggested if they got like stirrups, they could put them in. You know, like when-

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Whatever you're into.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Women are giving birth or what is it? They put them in?

• 7:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Or when you, yeah.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  When you're going to the gynaecologist.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I thought, and she said they didn't have them. So I was like, all right, fair enough. Anyway, got used to it after a bit. And halfway through the pedicure and my toenail came off. My big toe completely come off because I got stood on, you know, in practice. So I've had like, have you had, I've had a case of hollow toe for like-

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Hollow toe?

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, for like a month. My toes like-

• 8:12Speaker 00

  Sounds like a film.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  I, that's what my toe sounds like. So she just-

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Do I want to Google hollow toe or not?

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Oh, no, I've just made it up. I don't miss it.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Oh, I see. Okay, fine.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  So then halfway through, she just looked at me and said, ah, excuse me, sir. She just dodged, I think.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Gosh, it's very, very multicultural where you went, isn't it?

• 8:31Speaker 01

  You know how the Greeks speak? They say it all like, hello. It's like, they kind of really-

• 8:35Speaker 00

  I don't think they're Greek on Corfu.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  They, yeah, they are.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Are they?

• 8:38Speaker 01

  It's a Greek island.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  Oh, is it? I thought they're Corfian.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Oh, it's a Greek island.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  Okay, fine.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  She said, what would you like me to do with this? And I just looked down and she had a toenail. So that was a nightmare all holidays.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  Have you kept it in a jar?

• 8:49Speaker 01

  No. And then she gave it me. I was like, well, what do you want me to do with it?

• 8:52Speaker 00

  So are you, now, because I have had issues with, I won't go into it, with toenails before, and you need to make sure you're moisturising your feet. So that when the toenail grow in moisturising in upwards direction to help.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Right, that's really good.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  You're gonna get an ingrowing toenail.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  And I've had an ingrowing toenail when I was younger and I would never want that again.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  That's up there with wisdom teeth for me.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 9:14Speaker 01

  It's agony.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, I will do that because I've got like a crevice now and it's got sand and everything in.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Crevice.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  And I was like washing it and I kept walking past pulling just dipping my toe in like right way.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  People like, the temperature's fine, I was like, oh no, I'm not worried about temperature love, I'm just, I've just got, it don't matter. I've got a big hole in my toe, just getting all sand and grit out.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Um, I've got some good foot cream, I will send you the, the.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Thank you, can I just put normal moisturiser on it?

• 9:43Speaker 00

  I mean, any, yeah, any sort of moisturiser is fine for now, but if you want to get a special.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  And then, so she did that and it was fine, I wouldn't have another one, because I didn't, it didn't do well.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Have no more toenails left?

• 9:52Speaker 01

  I'm all wanted like the dead skin off my foot and stuff.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they get out the sort of the shaver?

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, but she used that for like a minute, I was like, no, that's what I really wanted, and then she started doing all.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  The trouble with pedicures is sometimes they are, because I would say women probably have pedicures more than.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Never had one.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  But sometimes pedicures in certain spas, they're sort of geared into, sort of built into the routine is a colour and a buff. And probably, I mean, some men will, will want that, but many men will probably just not want that, they just want, yes, the tidying up, the moisturising.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  That's what I wanted.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Getting rid of any calluses, that sort of thing.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  But she didn't do any of that. And then she charged me for it.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Well.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  No, I was all inclusive.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  Spa work.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  I was deluxe, I was showing them my wristband. She's like, no, no, no, I was like, no, no, no, it's all inclusive.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  I'm deluxe.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  I was like, showing them my wristband, I was like, no, I'm, I'm not half board, I'm deluxe, look, purple.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  I'm half board.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  And she was like, no, no, and I was like, well, that's a con, because when you booked it yesterday, you didn't tell me, I thought it was free, so. Why does everyone think I'm in the wrong gear, Ben?

• 10:54Speaker 00

  So, eh, okay, I haven't ever done an all inclusive.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  There's different types.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Is there something above deluxe?

• 10:59Speaker 01

  No, no, no, I was like.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  There is.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  I was top, top all inclusive, so I could have everything, get room service, but apparently not a pedicure.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  I've never done all inclusive before, but there are different levels.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  So deluxe.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  And then not deluxe.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  And then half board.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  And then just you're not a guest.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Every man for themselves.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  And I.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  You kind of throw scraps to those people that aren't.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  You make them wait at the pool and they're like, seal, you throw them leftover pastries from breakfast.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  You know, most, um, hotels, you can just like, as if, if I was, let's say I'm on holiday and I just want to turn up for a coffee. Or I want to have lunch, I'm not staying, but I want to go and have lunch at an all inclusive, are you able to do that? As like a drop in guest?

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, do what you want.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  But you just then pay?

• 11:44Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  You should go all inclusive, it's good. Do you know what I've found?

• 11:49Speaker 00

  But then you're wedded to one place.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Not, yeah, but if it's a nice hotel, it's fine. If it's a fly and flop holiday, which is what I called this week, it's literally fly, flop and read. Yeah, I'll put my book recommendations up.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  Fly, flop and flip.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Fly, flop and flip, that's a very good way of putting it.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Or flick through the pages.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Fly and flop holiday is great. And, and there's all these different restaurants, you can have different breakfasts, you can go to the buffet, you can have room service.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is a hotel.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  You can go to like the, the Italian breakfast, the Greek Italian if you want, but do you know what it made me realise?

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  That I really love and very underrated, and everyone rolls their eyes at me. I just love boiled potatoes.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Genuinely, I think boiled potatoes with a bit of fish or a steak.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  I so wonder, everyone gets marsh or chips, you can't beat a boiled potato, William.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  You've got to have a knob of butter on it or something.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  No, just a nice boiled potato and the buffet had boiled potatoes every lunchtime and I thought. I'm just gonna go and get a nice bit of fish, some salad and boiled potatoes, and I had that most days, it was nice. I think boiled potatoes are underrated as far as the potatoes go.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  I think they're bottom of the wrong.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Really?

• 12:57Speaker 00

  I can't, look, can I just say in this week's edition of Luxury Podcast, we've done our entire episode on potatoes, so I cannot give listeners who listen to both more potato chat here.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  That's what I've come away from Greece thinking.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  They, they've got all the satziki, great, fine, the G ross, gy ross.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Gy ross.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Fine, but you can't beat a boiled potato.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  No.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  I just think we need to, they need good PR, and especially in the weather.

• 13:20Speaker 00

  You can do a campaign, Jordan.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  In this weather, I think the best potato is a boiled potato.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  You, hot or cold?

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Hot, not weird. Who'd have a cold boiled potato?

• 13:31Speaker 00

  Cold potato salad.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, true, I never thought of that.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  Hmm, but I guess that's with mayonnaise and other stuff.

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, anyway, so that's me, Greece was lovely, I'll put my book recommendations up.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Oh yes, we always love that.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  So you got Leftovers, which was great, Still Life, which was fantastic, I'm gonna lend that to you, Ben, you'll love Still Life. And, eh, what was your one? Oh, Evenings and Weekends.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  I told you about Evening and Weekends last year.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  You did, I knew it was you, it was bugging me on holiday, I said, I must thank my mother.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  I said, she told me I'd like this.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  My mother?

• 14:05Speaker 01

  And then I knew it was you, I thought it was someone from work.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Thank you, anyway, it was very good.

• 14:10Speaker 00

  You work, do you work with your mother?

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I don't work with her. Anyway, how are you?

• 14:16Speaker 00

  I'm all right.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Very emotional, because you're going on holiday at the time of recording tomorrow.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Eh, yesterday, was it?

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  You just did your last ever show in, eh, Titanic.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Yes, indeed.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Um, which is great, because then we'll never have to hear about it again.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  You're such a bitch.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Thank God, I'm joking.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  You are such a bitch, because before we started, I said, Ben, Jordan, today will be the last time I'm talking about Titaniques. And you're like, oh no, do it, do it, no, don't worry, people love hearing about it, and then you've just said that.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Hmm. So tell us, oh, my back is so, God, I don't have to go, I'm getting old.

• 14:47Speaker 00

  You need another holiday.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  How was your last show? Did you cry?

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Eh, I, so during the actual last shows, we did two shows yesterday, the matinee and the evening, I was actually fine. I thought I would be crying at the end. Um, I did walk down into the building for the first time and said to the, said to the state door keeper, I was like, I can't speak to you. Because I was crying. Um, and so I was emotional before the show. And then what was so sweet is, um, so you always do, as I think I've said before, we do company warm up, which is physical and vocal. And as I was sort of saying hello to everyone in the dressing rooms heading up to the stage, I noticed that, I thought, gosh, people are dressed very smartly today. Anyway, that was the end of that. And then once, they were actually all on the stage, I realised that they've all come dressed as me.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Oh, what, like, how did they dress?

• 15:35Speaker 00

  In sort of Ralph Lauren shirts or polo shirt, blue polo shirts, blue shorts, um, espadrilles, um, it was tote bags.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  That's sweet.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  It was very sweet, I thought they'd never look smarter.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  And you didn't realise they were dressing up as you?

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Well, I did when they were all together, I suddenly went, oh, it now makes sense, okay. But individually, when I was seeing them in dressing rooms, I thought, everyone's made a bit of an effort today, that was very nice.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, so that was very sweet. And then they did, um, Michael did, eh, who is Victor Garber in the show, Michael Vincent did a playlist of. Eh, so you do three songs. So the first one was, eh, I Am Your Mother, from, who's that artist? Um. I am your mother.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Abba.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  No.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  And that's as your mother now.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  Um, Meghan Trainor.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  Because I was Mother Ruth. Eh, second one was Spoonful of Sugar, obviously. And third was a niche Celine Dion song called Goodbye, which is about actually saying goodbye, which is written to say goodbye to her mother. And it's goodbye is the hardest word, and that is when we, the floodgates opened.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  You cry a lot, don't you?

• 16:39Speaker 00

  I do cry a lot, but no, no, everyone sort of was crying. Um, and we were passing around the two ply box of tissues that they have.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Two ply?

• 16:47Speaker 00

  I know.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 16:48Speaker 00

  Two ply, that's thin tissues.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  It means two layers. Most tissues are three.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  We're a West End show, so they've only got two ply.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Ben's got a box of tissue, I know what a box.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  There'll be three ply.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  I know what tissues look like, Ben. Oh.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  All right.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Wow, Ben's just.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Well, I know, I know he's had to come in on a Monday because he's going, going on holiday tomorrow, but chill. I can't get that. If I get, if I get down for that, I'm getting back up.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  All right.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  You might have to rub some DP in, I, I've, I've twisted it, putting it on there.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  Three ply.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  I have never heard that before and I wouldn't even know how you'd look for.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  You look it'll say three ply.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  I never, a tissue's a tissue.

• 17:30Speaker 00

  No, you see, that's, that's got a thickness to it, you don't want it to, two ply, you can sort of see through it, whereas that, you can't see. Anyway, tissue chat. Um.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  So you cried?

• 17:39Speaker 00

  We cried, eh, did the shows, fine, um, I got lots of lovely evening gifts, lots of lovely messages, cards, and then. Eh, one of my many, eh, BFFs from the show, Cameron Veer, organised a lovely roast, so we afterwards, after the matinee, before the evening.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  It was lovely. Well, I don't do much singing, so or dancing, so it was fine for me.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  A big roast before going on stage.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  The rest of the cast, they were, you know, there was a bit of flatulence and feeling a bit ill at points on stage, but I was fine.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  I bet.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  It was like when Jordan had that curry before the Birmingham.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Yes, but I learned, I learned the hard way, that was, you know, when we were first starting out as thespians and. Eh, stage performers, we had a curry before we went on stage in Birmingham, probably the worst show we've ever done as well.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  I blame the curry.

• 18:27Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Not the audience like you did.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  I, don't throw me under the bus.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  You know, I blame the performers and the curry.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Oh, it's horrible.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  It was, it was, because we ordered it on an app and it just took forever to arrive.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  I've literally had it 10 minutes before we drew on.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Oh, we have to think, well, look, is there anything you want to say to everyone that came to see you and all your friends and cast?

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Well, yes, um, thank you, basically. Um, if you were one of the 54 audiences that I was lucky enough to perform in front of. If you are in the cast and the crew and the wider company, you have all been magnificent to work with and I will miss everyone very, very much.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Awesome, lovely.

• 19:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it was, it was lovely.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Did you have boiled potatoes on your Sunday roast?

• 19:09Speaker 00

  No, I roast.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Weirdo.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  What? No, sorry, I'm not weird for having a roast potato with a roast lunch.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  I just honestly can't tie on what I'm into boiled potatoes.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, but not with a roast. That's, that is.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  That is criminal.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  You are sick.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  That is criminal.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  Oh, right, maybe not with a roast, but who's having a roast in this weather? I've said it before, I'll say it again, nobody wants a roast in this weather.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  Well, actually, I think you'll find about 22 people turned up for my roast, so.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Bet they did.

• 19:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I bet they did.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Thought you were walking funny today.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  22 people?

• 19:38Speaker 01

  22? How did you have time for the matinee?

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Well, I squeezed them all in.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Very good.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Start the car.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  What else has been going on?

• 19:52Speaker 00

  What else has been going on? Um, well, she's not here because she is on holiday. I mean, half the, half the, the production team is, uh, Izzy came to stay with me.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Is she?

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Uh, mentioned.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  I think it's been over at one of the, um, smash.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  Cause we're a bit closer to the airport than, than where she lives. And, uh, that was her excuse.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Why did she stay over?

• 20:11Speaker 00

  Cause she had an early flight.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  So why did she stay at yours?

• 20:15Speaker 00

  Cause we're closer to the airport. So you'd have a bit longer in bed.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  Yes. So, uh, she came to stay and she saw the sofa that nobody likes supposedly in the flesh. I don't know if you've seen the sofa in the flesh, have you?

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Sofa, uh, gay.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  It's floral. It's floral with a scalloped back and, uh, everyone says it's, it's, it's old school. It's retro.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Gay.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  Anyway, she liked the sofa and it was lovely to have her and we did a little barbecue, which was very nice. In fact, she has already texted me to say, could she stay again tonight? If she gets delayed landing at, it's like, well, no, you can just get a car. Actually, you just, just get a car and go home. So actually no, because I'm going on holiday tomorrow, but I've obviously said yes.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  I forgot to warn you as well. You're going on holiday tomorrow. Everyone was playing it like every ages and stuff. Uno's gone woke. So be careful.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  Uno's gone woke.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  If you get the new Uno, because my Uno cards are all like beers, stained. I don't know what's happening. There's the new Uno. Is anyone?

• 21:17Speaker 00

  I don't think it's woke.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  It's honestly, it's like, there's a card in it now that's blank and then I'll Google it and it says house rules. You'll go down before your dinner or by Paul, everyone plays it. There's kids playing it, adults playing it, a group of girls playing it. And we had the new version. And there's this one now where you put the card down, you know, the one to change colour. And in the middle is a blank white circle. And that means, um, house rules. So you can make any rule up. I'm not joking here. It's ridiculous. There's another one that's got hands in doing that. And it means everyone's got to put the cards down and reshuffle them.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  Oh yeah. I've done that one before.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Well, Dick, it's, it's the new one. Yeah, exactly. Just get the old one. You don't need the new one.

• 22:00Speaker 00

  Cause if you're about to win or someone's about to win and you get that, then everyone shuffles.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  So then you swap, you swap your entire pack with someone else?

• 22:07Speaker 01

  No, yeah. The whole people, the whole.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  Divided up.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  And then you reshuffle.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Well, I quite like that. No, I'm fine with that.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  And then there's, there's loads of other new, and it's just get the old ones. Monopoly Deal have got new cards as well. They've gone, they're rubbish. It's not, the, the set, the game's the same.

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  But it, the cards are a bit flimsier.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Oh, I played, um, our friends have got Monopoly, lots of people have Monopoly Deal, but they, they had like one of the OG Monopoly Deal sets. And actually the design of the card is, you can hardly, like the difference between like orange and pink or red or, but you can't see.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  And there's that. And then, um, there's a new Monopoly Deal now that everyone's on about.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  What? From Monopoly?

• 22:43Speaker 01

  It's like a new Monopoly card game. But you know what? I had.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  A little travel backgammon set. I love backgammon.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Not that one you saw in the shop that you wanted.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  God, no. No. I got, but how much, be honest, how much was that?

• 22:56Speaker 00

  I can't remember.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  It was about.

• 22:58Speaker 00

  I think it was four figures.

• 22:59Speaker 01

  Jesus for backgammon. This was, uh, forty ninety-nine off, uh, Amazon. Let's just roll it up.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  Little velvet thing. But backgammon, you know where you are with it. You've got to get someone to show you backgammon though. But it's a great game, especially in Greece, because it's Greek.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Is it? Yeah.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Backgammon is Greek.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Backgammon.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  God.

• 23:17Speaker 02

  Wow. The thing with, um, Monopoly Deal and with Uno, there's like, Monopoly Deal, no mercy.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, just.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Uno, extreme, no mercy.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Broke, don't fix it. And there were all these new rules now and stuff. So yeah, just warn you, if you make sure, don't buy the new rule.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  We've got, we've got classic Uno.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Well, I'll, I'll get the, get the classic Uno. Yeah.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Well, at time of recording, as you say, tomorrow I go to Paris, um, Gayperry, or as we just call it, Paris. And, um, yes, we are then in a few days' time, meeting Mike's niece and nephew, Annie and Henry, and their parents at Disney. Annie and Henry do not know that they are going to Disney. So it should be lovely because we will get, they'll, they'll, they're in France at the moment on, on another holiday. So they'll be driving home. They'll stop off at, or they'll see the signs to Disney probably. Oh, can we go to Disney? Can we go to Disney? They'll go to Disney and then they turn up at the hotel and then Uncle Mikey, Uncle, Uncle Willie are there. So it's gonna be.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  They'll be devastated.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  You shut your face.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  They will. What else?

• 24:25Speaker 00

  You've been desperate for me to take you on Space Mountain, so you can be quiet.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Take him up to Space Mountain.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  Oh, don't make a, it's a very small world with Ben.

• 24:33Speaker 02

  Did you ever get a surprise like that when you were a little boy?

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Yes, actually. I did get taken to Disney, Disney Paris, actually, as a surprise, well, after a holiday in France. So it's nice to, did you?

• 24:44Speaker 02

  My parents took me to Lapland when I was four. I met, I met Father Christmas.

• 24:48Speaker 00

  Did you? Does he still write?

• 24:50Speaker 02

  No, he stopped replying to my messages, actually.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  We went to Pontins. My grandma saved up the vouchers for some newspaper. True story.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  We had to go back so a fella could, uh, get his gyro.

• 25:01Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  Midweek.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  Sorry?

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Is that the Greek food?

• 25:06Speaker 01

  No. We went to Pontins, yeah. And then a, a fella at the time, a boyfriend, she's not with him now, he was signed on, he was Aunt Dol. We had to go back on Wednesday so we could get his gyro, his money.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  And then we drove back.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Gyro like a cheque.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  Gosh.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  So that was my childhood. True story.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  Great. Well, I can't wait for the film.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  What have we got for your etiquette emology of the week this week?

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Right. On that, I have a little apology.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. Uh.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  There isn't one, basically. I'll cut to the chase.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Well, just to let you know, like, you know, I'm ever the professional, I'm on holiday, meant to be off grid, still texting Ben about the show and the content and emailing on Sunday and stuff like that.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  Jordan, you've literally never done that before until that last week.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  That is not true. Why would you, why would you say that? I'm always texting in the group and stuff. Always. And I looked at all the social clips when I was on holiday and approved them. So I'm just saying, don't.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  What a cross you bear.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Just saying, I do. Don't, don't get annoyed because you've not done your work. At two forty-six this morning, the help I sexted my boss production WhatsApp group received this message. Total fuck up. I've not done an etiquette emology of the week. Please may we do a JJ OTW.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Jolly joke of the week.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Thank you. So, um, we've decided to give the power to the people and ask our gene divas what they think we should do to cover up William's lack of preparation. There's a lot going on. It's fine, but you know, I still managed to do my prep. Uh, Steve thinks.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  I'm glad you're now doing it.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Steve thinks William should do an apology segment detailing why. And what he got up to was more important.

• 26:44Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  Ellen suggests a passive aggressive text of the week. We haven't done that in a while, but a big one out. It's probably one for the past week. Uh.

• 26:53Speaker 00

  There'll be one after this.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  More or more of Ben or William's journal entries.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  I don't have that with me.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  We need to bring back your journal entry. Uh, Jake says deadly silence.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  That's fine by me.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  A lot of people, I forgot about this, have asked for Ben's big bong or Ben's big bender or Ben to say something interesting.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Dying for that to happen.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Uh, Olivia says maybe do your Titanic monol- monologue.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  Phil, seven and a half minutes. It was ten last night, actually.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  What? Your monologue was ten minutes?

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Hmm. They time it every night and they tell me how long it is.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  How long is it meant to be?

• 27:28Speaker 00

  They also did, this is hilarity they get up, we get up to, um, it's meant to be seven. Um, the, the crew, a different member of the crew do how many custard creams or Jaffa cakes they can eat. Uh, during my monologue.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  They never stop eating your lot.

• 27:43Speaker 00

  The, the, the winner was Dan, our company manager, who, uh, did thirty-six Jaffa cakes.

• 27:49Speaker 01

  In ten minutes?

• 27:50Speaker 00

  Uh, in seven and a half.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Uh, Lucy has suggested shots.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  No.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  Uh, and Lisa says, I'm not doing your job for you.

• 27:57Speaker 00

  Oh, well, thank you very much.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  So, so what are we doing? Uh, Ben, the producer of this episode, you've annoyed me with that. I always text him about it all the time.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  All right. Well, clearly, uh.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Well, you do, you make it out like I just tip up on a record day and chat shit, which I do do, but there's, there's method.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm sorry. It's all down to you. I'm sorry.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Thank you. Ben?

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Right. Should we decide and then we'll be back after these messages?

• 28:22Speaker 01

  Well, what are we doing? I've got a joke.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  You'll find out after these messages.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  I've got a joke. A Scouse told me at the bar in Greece, but I don't know if it's.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Okay, let's do that.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  No, let's do yours thing. All right. Well, we'll find out what we're doing next.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Yes, keep listening.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  All right, gene divas. Thanks sticking with us. I don't know what we're doing. I don't know. We're doing etiquette emology. Uh, Jordan's jolly joke of the week. Ben?

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Deadly, deadly silence.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  We're gonna do what we're doing.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  Through decision silence.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  I'm gonna do silence.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  There we go, thank you.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Is that what we're doing?

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Yep, that's all we've prepared.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Well, I could do a joke.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  We'll do a joke then.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  All right, Rodrigo, could we have a jingle, please? Here's the jingle.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  Now, this Scouser told me.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  You're not gonna be able to, we're not gonna be able to transmit this like an order.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Right, and it's the funniest, honestly, I spat my Mythos everywhere. Right?

• 29:28Speaker 00

  You what?

• 29:29Speaker 01

  My Mythos, my pint.

• 29:31Speaker 00

  It's the Greek.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  It was Greek lager, honestly, and it's how he delivered it.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Apparently it's very good.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  We were chatting at the bar and I, and I, we were just making something out, and I said, do you, and she said, I'm, he misses. So, and he said, um.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  So when he gets here, don't laugh, she's, she's quite small. I said, I won't, I won't laugh, you know, it's, it's pretty small and stuff. I was like, all right, I won't laugh. He's like, yeah, people always stare at them, what have you. He told me, I went, I, I promise you, I won't. Yeah, she was really stressed before we got out here. I was like, all right, yeah. He said, that's why I've come on holiday, she was really stressed, she had a bad day on Friday. He said, I got some chocolates. A bottle of wine and a, a runner, a nice hot sink.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  I thought that was really funny. I'm only winding you up, lad, she's not that small, she's tiny, but don't say it, because she'll fucking bat you. I was like, all right.

• 30:22Speaker 00

  That's fine, I just thought that was.

• 30:24Speaker 01

  Really funny, really fu- the, the, the great sense of humour, this Scouser.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  You brought the episode back for the break.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  I just thought it was a great, a great joke, how he delivered it. He had many more, but can't repeat them on the podcast. Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss, or you can DM us, we're at Sex and My Boss on the socials. Before we start, right, I just want a shot now of a man who's just been on holiday. Well, no one's noticed the moustache, by the way.

• 30:54Speaker 00

  I mean, Jo- Jo- um, yeah.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  A man who's been on holiday, and look at the face of a man who needs a holiday. I love you to bits, but you look shattered.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Well.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  You look so tired, bless you.

• 31:06Speaker 00

  West End, darling, isn't it, you know?

• 31:07Speaker 01

  Go on this holiday.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Enjoy it.

• 31:09Speaker 00

  I mean, it's Disney with kids. I mean, it's gonna be lovely, but I'm not sure it's particularly restful holiday.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Go off-grid, don't be texting Ben, I'll do all that, and it's fine. All right?

• 31:19Speaker 00

  I've got to check the social clips that I've approved the week before and then changed my mind about them over the weekend.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  Again, that's not true. Right, go on.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  Ben? Ben?

• 31:31Speaker 01

  Ben?

• 31:31Speaker 00

  Ben?

• 31:32Speaker 02

  No comment.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  No.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  Our first dilemma is from Ellen. Dear William, Jordan, EPP and the rest of the fabulous Sexton team, long time listener, first time question asker here. My old university housemates and I meet each year for a reunion, and this weekend we went to the lovely Peak District. We all love a drink and our Saturday night activity was to each make a cocktail inspired by a person, place or thing we love. Being a big fan of the podcast, I introduced my friends to a gin and Dubonnet spritz, which went down a treat.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  Our dilemma occurred when we reached the end of a round of spicy margaritas and opinions were divided. What is the etiquette of a salty rim? Should you tackle it with your tongue when your drink is finished? Should you enjoy a salty rim as you sip your beverage? And is it ever acceptable to finish off one with your fingers? We would really appreciate your thoughts on this important matter. Thank you for a wonderful podcast that makes me smile each week. From Ellen and five new G and D'Vas, Sarah, Gemma, Jekka, Ellie and Meg.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  Welcome along.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  They all sound like they work in PR, don't they?

• 32:27Speaker 01

  I, I don't like a salty rim.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't, I don't get why they do it.

• 32:31Speaker 00

  Well, I don't drink cocktails that have that.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  Put it in the salt.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  You definitely don't use your fingers to, to finish one off, thank you very much.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  You're Jameson now, because he's a mixologist, doesn't he?

• 32:40Speaker 00

  Well, he's not, he's a, he's a radio presenter, but he, he is into cocktails, yes.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  So I reckon certain cocktails are meant to have a bit of salt, but.

• 32:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  A margarita?

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a marg- yeah.

• 32:50Speaker 00

  You're a, you're a.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  I love a salty rim, yeah.

• 32:53Speaker 00

  Hmm. Can you do, you can do sweet rims, but that's not for margaritas, or is that for a different?

• 32:57Speaker 02

  I feel like maybe in a different sort of establishment, but I think it should be salted.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  I think with sugar on it, round the rim, it's a bit too sweet for me.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  I was smashing the Negronis on holiday. I'm saltin' that.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  No, no, you don't need that.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Get you pissed, then.

• 33:11Speaker 00

  Martinis again, you don't need it.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  I had one of them on Saturday when I got back.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Keep it classic.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 33:17Speaker 00

  Um, but no, I think, have it if you want to, it's, it's.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  What's the etiquette of eating it? I, I just, I just.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  Don't start licking it.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  No, I just make, I just make one little, take one sip from it, grin and bear it, and then leave that little gap. You don't have to.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  Well, just, so normally I would say, from an etiquette point of view, with, let's, let's just say, say a wine glass, for example, or a tumbler of gin and Dubonnet, whatever. You drink from basically the same point, but actually, if you have got the, if the entire rim is salted, is that sort of the exception to the rule where you can sort of keep turning it to sort of get another bit of salt, because obviously, once you put your lips on it, that's gonna dissolve.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  I think that's how you should drink it, surely.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Just mind your lipstick.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  Which you need to be very careful of.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Of course, which I've got, I wear a lot on holiday.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  You do. You've still got some of it on now?

• 34:00Speaker 01

  I have.

• 34:00Speaker 00

  I've been terrible at taking off my eyeliner. Nothing seems to take off eyeliner. And so I've probably still got some on now. Nothing gets rid of it.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  How do you take, do you use a?

• 34:10Speaker 00

  Well, I use either eye makeup remover, but I'm there like, for like, five minutes per eye, and in the end, I'm just like, oh, sod it.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  Can't be bothered.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm gonna put, well, not anymore, but I was like, well, I've been putting more on tomorrow, so what's the point?

• 34:22Speaker 01

  I'm worried about your post-show crash after this, when you get back on holiday.

• 34:26Speaker 00

  Oh, I think I'll be fine.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't think so.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  I'm gonna be busy.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  Oh, good, good.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  I'm glad I've got a holiday, because if I, at the time of recording, there isn't a show today, so no one's going in. But tomorrow, when I know they're all going in, that, if I weren't on holiday and I was just sitting at home and looking at my watch going, hmm, they're all doing company warm-up without me. So at least I'll be distracted tomorrow. So I think it'll be fine. Um, this is from Cameron. Hello, William, Jordan, producer Ben and the team. After many years of working in sports media, and for nearly a decade at Man City. It's not a gay club. Working alongside some of the best footballers in the world, I've decided to make a change in career. I'm 43 and come September, I'll be starting a course training to be a secondary school drama teacher. Starting something new like this is scary, but if not now, it might never happen.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  I recently received my first school placement for when my training starts, and it will be at Penworth and Priory, Jordan's old high school.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Penworth and Priory, not Penworthen.

• 35:22Speaker 00

  What?

• 35:22Speaker 01

  Penworthen.

• 35:23Speaker 00

  Penworthen.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Penworthen.

• 35:24Speaker 00

  Penworthen. I wonder what tips Jordan could give me to help me survive my first six months of teacher training there. Also, any tips that you guys might have about venturing into a new career path would be gratefully welcomed. Your pod is one of the highlights of my week and has me laughing out loud in public constantly. Keep it up. Cheers, Cameron.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Well, Cameron, um, good luck with the new job. It's a great thing that you're doing.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Break a leg if you're a drama teacher.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Break a leg. You will be fine.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  Just not the kids.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  It's, it's a great school. It really is. And you've got a great head teacher there, Mr. Eastham, who used to be my PE teacher.

• 35:56Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  And the deputy head, uh, Miss Crank, who was my ICT teacher.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  That's a great name for deputy head.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Miss Crank.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  She's great. So, um, you'll be fine. It's a really good school, really great staff.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  That surprise dinner party I'm doing on YouTube.

• 36:10Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, where basically I have to cook a, a surprise recipe.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  Are you genuinely surprised by it?

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Never have a clue who the, so any R G and D'Vas, give it a go, watch. And the last one I did was three of my teachers turned up from Priory.

• 36:24Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Penworth and Priory. And I was like, I've not seen him for like, 20 years.

• 36:27Speaker 00

  That's sweet.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it's a really good school. You'll be fine. And drama's a great thing to teach. Everyone loves drama. Even the people that pretend they don't like drama. Yeah.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, drama's great.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  Drama's great. So yeah, you'll be fine.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  And unlike, you know, other subjects like English or maths and drama, the kids are meant to be running around. So that's, that's what teachers have to keep in mind.

• 36:47Speaker 01

  Trying to think who else is there. If the dinner lady's Val and Julie are there, tell them I said hello. They've sorted me out, Val and Julie. So you did have, you'd have two, you'd have two queues. So it'd start in single file, and you either went left or right. And I'd go left, eat me dinner, and then I'd go back right, and they'd give me three seconds.

• 37:07Speaker 00

  Well, you were a fat child.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  I, I was, I was, yeah. I'm not wrong with that.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  No, nothing wrong with that at all, but now we know why.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  So yeah, let us know how you get on. In six months' time, we're on our way back from you.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Um, okay, great. This is from Rick. Hi, boys, I'm preparing for my summer holidays and wondered about the etiquette for body hair on holiday.

• 37:23Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  As a man of a certain age, I have found that body hair now covers around 85% of my body. Think Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. I need to remove some unsightly hair, but I wondered where to stop. Just the back, chest, arms? Treasure trail, full body. Please help with this conundrum. Rick. Well, Rick, without sort of actually seeing you, it's quite hard to, but also regardless of, like, are you, like, just, it's your body, you do what you want.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Well, I'd get some Veet, but I'd use some Veet Sensitive.

• 37:50Speaker 00

  No.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  I've never used it before. I had, I shaved my chest just before I went on holiday. I just got my beard trimmer, shaved my chest. And it was fine. I did it like, a few weeks before, because you don't wanna be going totally bare. That's me. Not bare as in raw.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Raw. Bare as in what?

• 38:05Speaker 01

  Raw. I said raw then.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, you did.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  I've been in West London too long.

• 38:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Um, so I, I shaved about three weeks before I went on holiday.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  So there, and then for the rest of it, back, top your arms, bit of Veet Sensitive.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  No.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  If you're doing your arsehole.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Oh, Jordan.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Just make sure you got Veet Sensitive.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  Can I, on behalf of puticians, Veet or Nair or any of those other equivalents, the trouble is, it's, you should get waxed.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no.

• 38:37Speaker 00

  Because it will grow back thicker. It's a bit like shaving. Wax. Not, not wax.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  I have never, do you remember when I got waxed before I went on holiday and she had to put the wax strip in my mouth, like, here, bite this, because I was screaming too much.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  Um, hot, hot wax that is ripped off, or were they doing wax and then those awful sort of, like, pages that they?

• 38:54Speaker 01

  Hot wax.

• 38:55Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  It was horrific. It was horrific. So I'd say a bit of Veet and just use a razor. But yeah, have a shave before you go on holiday.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  I would say go and get waxed.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Also, um, one I remember as well, if you're going on a beach holiday or pool holiday, pack Sudacran.

• 39:10Speaker 00

  For what?

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Swimming shorts chafe is an issue that not enough men talk about. And I'd like to bring it to my-

• 39:17Speaker 00

  Does that not mean that your swimming shorts are too tight?

• 39:19Speaker 01

  I'm going on this morning to talk about it tomorrow, to bring it to an issue for men. There's not enough men talking about swimming-

• 39:24Speaker 00

  Are you genuinely talking about swimming shorts?

• 39:26Speaker 01

  No, you're not.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Like, it's good now that we talk about mental health and stuff and a lot of men do and stuff. I genuinely think we need to all start talking about swimming shorts chafe.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  I mean, that is the biggest issue.

• 39:36Speaker 01

  Like, the chafe you get from, like, swimming shorts that you've had on all day in whites, just take a bit of Sudacrim.

• 39:42Speaker 00

  Do you not change swimming shorts halfway through the day?

• 39:44Speaker 01

  I do when you get back to a hotel. That's the best feeling ever. You, you get your swim shorts off and you put, like, just shorts on that have nothing in them. You go, you, you, you free ball it and it's the best feeling ever in the cool. No boxes on underneath, just a pair of sport shorts or just baggy shorts.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  We have very different holidays.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  I've started wearing loose fitted pants.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  Well, great.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  And how's that going for you?

• 40:10Speaker 02

  Just a similar feeling to that.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. And why is that? Just to-

• 40:14Speaker 02

  I was recommended to it by a friend.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  Loose fitted?

• 40:16Speaker 02

  Just to give you a bit more space. The worst thing about swimming shorts for me is when you're wearing swimming shorts, you've obviously been in the sea or been in the pool. When you've got to, like, sit to get home and it's really itchy.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the chafe.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  Why is that?

• 40:26Speaker 01

  That's the chafe.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  Oh, that's the chafe.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  That's the chafe.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  I would call it the swimming shorts itch more than the chafe.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Well, swimming shorts itch, whatever you want to call it. Seven year itch, swimming shorts itch, whatever you want to call it. But just make sure, lad, you take Sudacrim. Because if you, like me, you've got sensitive skin, you will have chafage. And I'll be very, very sore. And don't do what I did and forget it. And then you have to go downstairs to the shop and pay 14 euros. And I'm going, no, I'm all inclusive.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  I'm deluxe, I'm deluxe.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  Going, no, no, no, Sudacrim you'll have to pay for. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm deluxe. I can get any drink I want on this. I'm, I'm not on house vodka.

• 41:00Speaker 02

  Don't, don't drink Sudacrim.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  I can get any drink. I'm not on house vodka. I can have any vodka I want. I had a grey goose yesterday. So, no, no, no, Sudacrim you'll have to pay for, sir. I'm like, I'm deluxe. So just be careful.

• 41:11Speaker 00

  Okay. This is from Kira. Dear William and Jordan, I am hoping you can help me with a vitally important dilemma. I enjoy giving cards to people for lots of occasions, birthdays, thank yous, marriages, graduations, et cetera. I spend time selecting beautifully designed cards on luxury cardstock naturally and composing heartfelt messages, which always go down a treat. However, every time I go to put the card in the envelope, I have to pause. Which direction should the card face when inserted?

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Great question. I often think this.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  I always place the card so that when the envelope is opened, the picture is facing the recipient with the fold at the bottom, so that anything inside doesn't fall out and remove from the envelope. William, please tell me that this method is correct and that I haven't been making a complete fool of myself all these years with upside down cards. Yours sincerely, Kira.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  See, annoys me when we go on TV shows and talk about this podcast. You know, when we was on Saturday Kitchen the other week and everyone was like-

• 42:01Speaker 00

  We haven't even talked about Saturday Kitchen, but yeah.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  And everyone was, by the way, my favourite show to be on.

• 42:07Speaker 00

  Oh, it's a great show.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  I absolutely love, of all the shows, I, I love it. And everyone makes you feel so loving and welcome, but everyone's like, oh, it's too rude. We do get nice etiquette questions as well.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Yes, we do. We could never, never remember them when we get asked.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  I know. Because we always go to the shoebox one, don't we?

• 42:21Speaker 00

  And they go, any dilemmas you could talk about on Saturday morning television? No.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  Well, go on, you give your answer and then I'll give mine.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  I think the way you're doing it's perfect. Fold at the bottom, picture facing. Or just as long as when they pull it out, you see the picture.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, definitely have the design face. So when they open the flap, that it is, it is facing them. Absolutely. Definitely do that. I would say the fold up because then you don't get a paper cutter or anything when you

• 42:48Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  take it out. That's what we would teach.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 42:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  Joe, training director from the English Manor, who's sitting in here today, is also nodding as well. In fact, it's a question in one of our exams.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  Oh, is it? Oh, okay. So you, you're saying fold up?

• 43:02Speaker 00

  Rigorous exams.

• 43:04Speaker 01

  Fold up?

• 43:05Speaker 00

  Yes. It's just easier to sort of withdraw.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Quickly, regarding Saturday Kitchen, I have been replayed the clip.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  Potty mouthed Jordan North.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Apparently I mouthed the-

• 43:17Speaker 00

  F word.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  I did. I, in my defence, because I always go, and if you listen to this podcast, do it at least twice, I always go, oh, for God's sake. And I went, oh, and it looks like I swore. It looks like I've gone, oh, fuck, which I wouldn't.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  At the results of the poll.

• 43:31Speaker 01

  At the results.

• 43:32Speaker 00

  And my beef Wellington won.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Your beef Wellington won. And many Gene Devers voted, so thank you. But big up Saturday Kitchen. Like, the crew there are so nice. And Matt is great, isn't he?

• 43:42Speaker 00

  I know. And lovely Helen McGinn.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  Oh, I love her. I knew you'd like Helen.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, she's great fun.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  She's such a good laugh, isn't she?

• 43:48Speaker 00

  With her tinned wines.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  Didn't love those, but that was not her choice. But it was lovely to meet her, having heard so much about her from so many different people. Our final dilemma is from Ross. Hello, William and Jordan. When I was three years old, back in 1993-

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Same age as me. I was three in three, 93, 99.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Oh, fantastic. Well, you're basically brothers.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  With the same age.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  You're basically brothers. My dad popped down to the local markets to buy me a Pirate VHS. As in Pirates of the Caribbean or?

• 44:18Speaker 01

  I'm not endorsing it. There was a lot of them in the, it was so bad in the 90s that when you got a Disney video, it said, make sure you've got a hologram on your video to check that it was the proper one, where I grew up.

• 44:29Speaker 00

  The Mickey Mouse hologram.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  I watched, I'm not going to say what it is. I watched a well-known film.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  And halfway through, a bloke stood up to go for a win at cinema. I'm not even joking. I promise you.

• 44:42Speaker 00

  Well, I have a feeling this-

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Someone filmed it on a camcorder in cinema.

• 44:46Speaker 00

  Which is illegal.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  Which is, yes, and not good.

• 44:49Speaker 00

  Anyway, Ross's father picked up Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  There was the, sorry to interrupt, there was the adverts as well.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  Piracy, it's a crime.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  It funds terrorism.

• 44:56Speaker 00

  I don't know if it said it funds terrorism.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  You wouldn't steal a TV. Yeah, they did. You said funds terrorism.

• 45:01Speaker 00

  You wouldn't steal a bag.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it would, honestly. And because it were 90s, there was like, it was always alluded to IRA and stuff. Like that you were funding them.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  Gosh.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  Okay. He picked up Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Sorry, that was a bit dark.

• 45:15Speaker 00

  Came home, sat me in front of the television, put the video on and headed off to get on with a few chores in the kitchen. A few moments later, he heard me screaming and crying. He rushed back in to see what had happened, only to discover to his absolute horror that the film on screen was not Disney's animated classic at all, but a very low budget adult theme with a suspiciously similar title, Beauty and the Beast. Naturally, he took the video straight back to the man he had bought it from, or at least that is what he told my mum. So, did my dad do the right thing here? Yes.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 45:45Speaker 00

  Well, no, but then yes. And what exactly is the etiquette when you have accidentally introduced your three-year-old to something very much not intended for children? Or misregards, Ross? Well, this is what happens when you buy illegal.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  I promise you, this similar thing happened to me and my mate. We thought we were watching Saving Private Ryan.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  Yes, you were shaving Ryan's privates.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  It was shaving Private Ryan or something like that. I promise you. Yeah. Schindler's Fist as well.

• 46:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  We got it completely wrong.

• 46:14Speaker 00

  I need to give you that back, actually.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Thank you. So, yeah, I think, I, I think your dad handled it pretty well.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  Do you not think that this could be a situation similar to Graham where the magazines were found in the shed and they were from the previous owner?

• 46:28Speaker 01

  Excuse, yes.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  And he said-

• 46:30Speaker 01

  Legally, we've got to say that. Those magazines me and our Ryan found were from the previous. She went mad at that, Wendy.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  So this dad has said, oh yeah, we accidentally bought it from, from the market.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, this, this is where, again, had you just bought the, if you, you know, wanted to, bought the proper film from HMV or whatever shop you, there were back in 1993 to buy your VHSs, you would not have had this problem.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  There was a sense of community when your mate had come back off holiday. Was this just in our school? And he went to Tenerife and he got a porn DVD and it did the rounds around school.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  This is absolutely in your school.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  There was a, there was a sense of community about that. And you'd go up, was this just at my school?

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  And you'd be like, I won't mention full names because I know he listens. He's got kids himself now. But if you got Pete's DVD, and they're like, oh no, I gave it to so-and-so in DT. So then you'd have to go rounds and then went for about 20 different lads. Thought he borrowed it. And it was nice. It was back. And it come back off holiday with his mum, dad, I went, I went into a shop, bought, bought Bluey. It's like, really? He's like, yeah, I'll lend it you. And it went round. Rick's still got it. Rick's still got it.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  We have very different childhoods.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 47:50Speaker 00

  Yes. We did not do that.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  No. Well, that was lovely. What a lovely, we had greeting cards, dilemmas, we've had illegal VHSs. We are a broad church, as I always say.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Football Player. And you can watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. All you've got to do is head to YouTube and search for Sex Dead. We'll see you on Friday. Goodbye.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  Bye-bye.