Help A Bit Of Semen Entered My Eye | And The Next Big Dessert

After Jordan discovers the next summer 'smash' which apparently we'll all be putting in our mouths next year, he's brought back down to earth with a bang after finding out William's been getting his lips around it for years. The boys also tackle some CRAZY dilemmas involving hot desking at the office and what NOT to do just after having laser eye surgery. -- Want more Sexted in your life? Join Help I Sexted My Boss Out Of Office for exclusive episodes every WEDNESDAY on Patreon! Just head to sextedmyboss.com/patreon -- Want MORE Help I Sexted My Boss?: https://sextedmyboss.komi.io/ -- FOLLOW Jordan North Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jordannorth1 William Hanson Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/williamhansonetiquette TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@williamhansonetiquette #AD. To find out more please visit - https://www.skoda.co.uk/ If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. 12 celebrities, one Don and cold hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where 12 celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to $250,000. Watch the new Hulu original series, The Mob, premiering October 26 on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.

• 1:17Speaker 03

  They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble.

• 1:19Speaker 02

  But was he set up? Wanted, I've fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.

• 1:29Speaker 04

  You're the one who ended up going to prison, don't you, kid?

• 1:31Speaker 02

  I'm J C Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like, how do you tell your partner that you're desperate for him to cage you up for Locktober? Or, what should you do to stop being a spoil sport and just hurry up and join the sexted team's mini crossword leaderboard? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not using lagging answers, are we, William Hanson?

• 2:14Speaker 05

  No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more etiquette queen, you're more tea and Ovaltine. And that's from Sam.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Oh, it's Ovaltine season soon.

• 2:22Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Lots of seasons, jumper season.

• 2:24Speaker 05

  Guinness season.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Guinness season.

• 2:26Speaker 05

  Famously. We all set our clocks by it. I'm doing the gin and Dubonnet. It's always gin and Dubonnet season in my book.

• 2:33Speaker 00

  You can have a gin and Dubonnet in summer, you can have it in the winter.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  But not in the spring.

• 2:38Speaker 05

  No, on this podcast you can. You all right?

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, good.

• 2:43Speaker 05

  Good. Struggling on in a cruel world.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  I wouldn't say that.

• 2:48Speaker 05

  Why?

• 2:49Speaker 00

  I'm crawling on in a struggled world. Is that the right phrase?

• 2:54Speaker 05

  So it's a struggle to be had. Jordan will have it.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  I don't have any struggles.

• 2:59Speaker 05

  No, just getting out of bed at 4:20 AM.

• 3:02Speaker 00

  I'd never mention that.

• 3:03Speaker 05

  No, you don't. No, famously we proved that.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  It was a Red Bull type of day today.

• 3:08Speaker 05

  I was gonna say, I did notice seconds before we were recording, you were drinking another Red. Is actually, is Red Bull Red?

• 3:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:14Speaker 05

  Never actually looked at it because it's always in a can.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  It's kind of, yeah, like a pale orangey red. I just thought I needed one today. Just got a little sugar free one from the shop.

• 3:23Speaker 05

  Again, this Dubonnet looks off, everyone. I've told you.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  You're never bloody happy, are you?

• 3:27Speaker 05

  This does not even look red. It looks...

• 3:30Speaker 00

  Trust me, after a Red Bull, you'll eat out, drink out.

• 3:33Speaker 05

  Suspiciously brown.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  You never had vodka at uni?

• 3:35Speaker 05

  Absolutely not. Didn't drink. I mean, great shape, looking back, but probably not my best. Right, we're going to toast Olivia, who messaged in saying, I would love to express my gratitude for the uplifting joy your podcast has given me during my toughest challenge to date, my final exams for my law degree at Oxford.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 3:56Speaker 05

  I thought you'd...

• 3:56Speaker 00

  People from Oxford listen to this. Shit, the best.

• 3:59Speaker 05

  I thought you'd appreciate knowing that this podcast has been played in a library that's over 400 years old.

• 4:05Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 4:06Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  It's nearly as old as this podcast.

• 4:08Speaker 05

  It's nearly as old as Stu, but I decided not to. Joe, he's not here. Waiting for the message that inevitably follows. But this is to Olivia and everyone studying for their exams.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  To Olivia and everyone studying for their exams. Best of luck. Break a leg. Oxford University.

• 4:27Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Can we have a little tissue, please, on the table?

• 4:29Speaker 05

  It's not that exciting.

• 4:30Speaker 00

  William seems to have spilt everywhere.

• 4:32Speaker 05

  I have.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Oh, you're a good'un, Jack.

• 4:34Speaker 05

  Thank you, Jack.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Thank you. Although there is some blue roll behind there, Jack, that would have been.

• 4:38Speaker 05

  But you said tissue.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Well, that would have been better.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  Honestly, you're not happy.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Well, look, I deserved that.

• 4:43Speaker 05

  Throw it in his face, Jack.

• 4:45Speaker 00

  No, we can't go up and get it if you're listening or watching and think it's because we're plugged in, so our headphones are plugged in.

• 4:50Speaker 05

  Can I have some here, please?

• 4:51Speaker 03

  Hi, guys.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Hi, Ben.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  You used to demand me go around the room before you were plugged in through your headphones, so I'm not having that, just as a correction.

• 4:57Speaker 05

  We both or one per?

• 5:00Speaker 00

  Good catch. Ben's in the old cook cam there. How's life in the cook cam?

• 5:05Speaker 05

  Tell us about how it's been, the public reaction, if you've been stopped in the streets, have people thrown knickers at you?

• 5:11Speaker 00

  You get recognised more.

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Yet to see any change, but I'm sure it'll come.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 03

  Maybe.

• 5:17Speaker 05

  If you stay in that cook chair long enough, I'm sure it'll come as well.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  It'll come.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  There we go. I was actually in a cook chair over the weekend.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Sorry, what?

• 5:27Speaker 05

  Do you want to talk about that one?

• 5:29Speaker 00

  Do you want to laverate on that?

• 5:29Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, no, just a hotel room. I was in a hotel room with Kat and then Kat's friend, so I was like the third one, but just as normal friends.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  After a wedding.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  Do you follow cook chairs of hotels around the world?

• 5:44Speaker 03

  Sorry?

• 5:45Speaker 00

  There's some really weird cook chairs in hotels.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Is that an Instagram account?

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  It's just it?

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, my mate sends it to me all the time.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Oh, I didn't know that.

• 5:53Speaker 00

  Some are called the cook stage and it's just a chair and a stage in front of the bed.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  Okay, we have to do some reactions to some of the cook chairs.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I wanted a chair in the room in my house, but then I thought it looks like a cook chair, but it was mainly to throw clothes on and stuff.

• 6:06Speaker 05

  We've got an ottoman.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Same.

• 6:08Speaker 05

  So it's a little footstool in the bay. So there's a street, yeah, several.

• 6:12Speaker 03

  Why is an ottoman called an ottoman? Like, it's an empire, isn't it? Not like a little thing that you put your board gates in?

• 6:19Speaker 05

  What?

• 6:19Speaker 03

  That's not an ottoman.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  A puff?

• 6:20Speaker 05

  Yeah. A puff is a little footstool.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Right. So what's an ottoman?

• 6:23Speaker 05

  It's like a bench.

• 6:25Speaker 03

  But why is it called an ottoman?

• 6:26Speaker 05

  Or would you like me to investigate that at some point?

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it needs to be the whole etiquette model.

• 6:31Speaker 05

  No, no, no, it doesn't, it won't, doesn't necessarily need to be, but I don't know the answer. I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Anyway.

• 6:36Speaker 03

  Good.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Moving on. How's your week been, my love? How are you?

• 6:39Speaker 05

  Yes, I'm all right. How are you? How are you getting on with your shower and your hose?

• 6:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, good.

• 6:44Speaker 05

  Your shower and your hose, your hose in the shower?

• 6:46Speaker 00

  So I said I couldn't fix my own shower last week, which was a pathetic excuse of mine. So what I did was...

• 6:51Speaker 05

  No, no, darling, not, all men have to be good at DIY. Don't fall into tropes.

• 6:55Speaker 00

  I got my friend Peter to come around and help me. He came around and I repaid him in chili, which at the time I got him was yesterday.

• 7:04Speaker 05

  That's how most plumbers would prefer to be paid.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Because I said, have you, it's like, you've got a toolbox, haven't you? And he was like, Irish, hurry, I usually go to the Irish. I was like, right.

• 7:13Speaker 05

  Oh, I met Peter.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Peter from the pub.

• 7:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  So Pete, Big Gene Devers, Pete came around and fixed it for us. And then we repaid him with chili, which I think...

• 7:22Speaker 05

  Is he a professional plumber? Because I'm actually in the look. I mean, I...

• 7:25Speaker 00

  He is not, but he has a toolbox that can help.

• 7:28Speaker 05

  Well...

• 7:29Speaker 00

  So if that helps. But yeah, I fixed it. And now it's like, I had a shower this morning. First time I was like having a shower in Niagara Falls.

• 7:35Speaker 05

  Was it?

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Beautiful. It's just not one spurting and spouting out everywhere.

• 7:39Speaker 05

  Oh, good. Well, I'm glad, I'm glad you're thoroughly cleansed.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Do you know what I've tried this week that I think's gonna be a new trend? And I think people of the, it's gonna take over the UK, you know, like Aperol Spritz and Matcha.

• 7:53Speaker 05

  I mean, Matcha's had its moment, but okay.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Well, it's still popular. You know, Aperol Spritz is like, the past couple of summers, I had this thing and don't think it's mingin' because it's new.

• 8:04Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  But it's basically, you pour a coffee on ice cream. It's called affogato.

• 8:10Speaker 05

  Right. Jordan, that has been a thing for forever.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Might have been in your fancy London bubble life, but I had it for the first time.

• 8:21Speaker 05

  Or indeed, as we call it, Italy.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  It's, it's, and if you're listening, it sounds mingin', right? You pour hot coffee...

• 8:29Speaker 05

  An espresso.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, on to...

• 8:32Speaker 05

  Vanilla.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Vanilla ice cream and it's probably one of the best desserts I've ever had.

• 8:37Speaker 05

  It's a cop out if you're, if you're hosting, if I'm honest.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  Well, I knew you'd have something to say about it. It's bloody delicious.

• 8:45Speaker 05

  No, it is nice.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  I had it on Sunday and I think it's very chic and cool. And I think it's gonna take the UK by storm. Affogato is called.

• 8:52Speaker 05

  I think it has taken the UK by storm. I think about 20 years ago when it sort of was popular.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Affogato.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Have you heard of melon and ham?

• 9:00Speaker 00

  That blew my mind as well. I still want to try it.

• 9:03Speaker 05

  Sorry, he hadn't heard of prosciutto and melon. And now he's sort of the Italian culinary expert.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Affogato. Delicious. Try it, Gene Devers, wherever you're listening. So that's...

• 9:13Speaker 05

  It's the new, it's the new thing.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. What about you? What's been going on? You been trying out new?

• 9:17Speaker 05

  No, not particularly. Not particularly, although, I mean, you, we've talked about, last week, you were saying that if your mum phones and you didn't answer, you felt really, really guilty.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:30Speaker 05

  I would imagine the way that we interact with our mothers on the telephone is different because this week I phoned my mother and I said, and she said, hello, and she went, hello, are you cross with Earl Spencer as well? That was the, that was the opening, that was the opening question. She's absolutely, literally, she did 10 minutes. I didn't even interrupt. Just all about Earl Spencer. Yes, I know, I know.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  What are your thoughts on that? Would you rather not say?

• 9:55Speaker 05

  No, no, I can, I can say. I just think, what does it achieve other than selling a book? I think, you know, if you really had those thoughts, why don't you say it when you're not trying to flog a book?

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Well, his argument is he doesn't need the money. He wants to get his side of the story, his record straight.

• 10:08Speaker 05

  But there's also clips of him from the 90s going, I will never profit from Diana's death.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:15Speaker 05

  Just leave that there.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Will you read it?

• 10:17Speaker 05

  No. It'll all be serialized, all the, all the juicy, inadverted commas bit are gonna be in the Sunday papers, so.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  You didn't read Spare, did you?

• 10:25Speaker 05

  I got halfway through it and got so cross I had to send it back.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Oh, isn't that... You sent it back?

• 10:30Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  And did you get refund?

• 10:32Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Oh, that's an eye opener.

• 10:33Speaker 05

  I mean, I don't think it really affected Prince Harry's sales, if I'm honest. I think he probably did it right off the back of that book.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  One of the biggest selling books of all time, wasn't he?

• 10:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. I listened to the audio book of that. It was an eye opener. Or an ear opener.

• 10:47Speaker 05

  Well, one ear opener for you.

• 10:48Speaker 00

  That'll be alright. No. That's gonna be my review for your book. I listened to this as an ear opener.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Absolute ear opener.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  Oh, you're doing a jacket quote for the audiobook as well, are you?

• 11:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, and riveting.

• 11:02Speaker 05

  I had to go the other day and do an audiobook test because obviously I've read the audiobook with you for the Sexed book. I've done Just Good Manners audiobook, but they're non-fiction. This is fiction. They have characters. You have to do different voices.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Do you want me to do one?

• 11:18Speaker 05

  Well, I'll tell you what, you can do one in particular because let's put it this way, I do now regret having a character from the Philippines.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 11:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Could be problematic.

• 11:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, so if I, if I'm.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Do you want to show us how that's gonna sound?

• 11:31Speaker 05

  No, no.

• 11:33Speaker 00

  So.

• 11:34Speaker 05

  We're still working on it.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  How will you, because technically it's just a character.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  Hmm. Like, I've got, I've got a character who's basically German, not a problem.

• 11:41Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 11:42Speaker 05

  I've got some Americans, not a problem.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 11:44Speaker 05

  I've got Brits, I've got someone from Cheshire, not a problem.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Do you need anyone from Burnley?

• 11:50Speaker 05

  No, but I think that would, in book two, if I'm, if they give me a second book.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Philippines accent.

• 11:56Speaker 05

  Do you want to audition?

• 11:57Speaker 00

  A few moments later. Sorry, we've had to cut all of that.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Had to cut all of that for problematic reasons.

• 12:06Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:07Speaker 05

  Um, so I'm still workshopping that. Because of Titanic, we've actually had to move the audiobook recording to the start of next year. So I've got more time to just work on it, but I'm still not sure.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  I was, who was I talking to? Oh, it was, I was talking to someone who's got a book coming out and they were talking about their audiobook. And that was, I did not enjoy doing our audiobook recording.

• 12:29Speaker 05

  Did you not?

• 12:29Speaker 00

  No, it was, it was, it was long and.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  Well, that's called a book.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know. I just felt like the writing bit was quite fun, but reading it out loud. Because for me, I really struggled with that. Do you not remember?

• 12:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it was hilarious.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  No, I think you did really well.

• 12:47Speaker 05

  I think you did really well.

• 12:48Speaker 03

  Genuinely.

• 12:48Speaker 05

  It's a fun.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  If I'd have known then that, because I only just found out, basically when I started working at Capital, that if I'll show you now on here. If you highlight stuff for dyslexics in yellow, it helps so much. If I'd have known, if I got told that years ago.

• 13:04Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  It'd been so much easier for me. So like now, all my scripts and stuff are highlighted in yellow. And actually, it's meant to be yellow on Comic Sans, but yellow's fine for me. So if I'd have done that.

• 13:14Speaker 05

  Are you sure? It's, it's their, like, generally research on Comic Sans?

• 13:17Speaker 00

  Yellow Comic Sans. They got somebody, um, yeah, it's yellow Comic Sans and like autocues and scripts and stuff. Yeah.

• 13:26Speaker 05

  Gosh.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 13:27Speaker 05

  Well, can we give Comic Sans a go for his script for next week?

• 13:30Speaker 00

  There you are, man.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  Or should we do, can we do it all in Comic Sans?

• 13:34Speaker 05

  I can cope with Comic Sans.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  I mean, you can, you might not like it.

• 13:38Speaker 05

  I won't, but I'll cope. If it makes it easy for you, I don't mind doing it.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Um, well.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  That's friendship, isn't it?

• 13:43Speaker 05

  That is friendship.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Exactly. That's, that's really.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  That's what we're all about here.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  I've lost my.

• 13:47Speaker 05

  And I want my scripts in, in Baskerville.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Can I, um.

• 13:50Speaker 05

  Please.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Can I talk to you about London Fashion Week?

• 13:54Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Because you know I went, right?

• 13:56Speaker 05

  Yes, you kept reminding us last week.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. So this is the weirdest story ever. So I went with M and S, which was great, but before that, I went with Barbara.

• 14:06Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 14:06Speaker 00

  Okay. And I got invited and I've never been before.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  And I go to Barbara on the Thursday night and I get there and it's like the who's who of fashion. And I'm like, what is titted here off the radio?

• 14:20Speaker 05

  I don't even know who the who is in fashion as an Anna Wintour.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  And Barbara, and you've got like Theo, what's he called there?

• 14:28Speaker 03

  Theo James?

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Theo James from The Gentleman. Yeah. And it's like loads of people, like really trendy cool people. I'm like, what am I doing here? And I get there and I'm like, I'm fish out of water and loads of good looking handsome people. And, um.

• 14:44Speaker 05

  I'm going to leave that fishing expedition that you just went on untouched.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 14:48Speaker 05

  And you wanted me to go, oh no, you're handsome too, which you are.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  I actually didn't.

• 14:52Speaker 05

  Yes, you did.

• 14:52Speaker 00

  I did, I genuinely didn't because in here it's like a fish out of water. And I seen in the hall in this Barbara event, I seen a couple that I met on holiday when I went to Greece in July. And I'm like, oh, that's, that's Ally and Helen. And I'm like, what the hell are you doing here? And this were a couple who I got chatting to on the table next to around holiday, had a few drinks with them, did some plate smashing with them and stuff. And seen them most days and chatted to them by the pool and they were like little holiday friends. And I was like, what the hell are you doing here? And she went, oh, um, I never told you this, but, um, I'm Helen Barber. She owns Barber. She owns all of, her and her mum run it, no shareholders, just them two. And I was like, what?

• 15:36Speaker 00

  I thought you were really lovely on holiday to invite you along. I was like, oh my, she runs Barber. I was on the table next to her in Greece. What did you think of that?

• 15:45Speaker 05

  I think it's marvelous.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  That's mad, isn't it?

• 15:48Speaker 05

  It's, you never know who you're sitting next to.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  She said, I'm Helen Barber. I was like, oh my God, from the Barber dynasty.

• 15:55Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Mad. So there you go.

• 15:57Speaker 05

  How funny.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  What are the odds of that?

• 15:59Speaker 05

  Well, that's, I hope you wrote a nice thank you letter.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  I did actually.

• 16:02Speaker 05

  Good.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  On, on your.

• 16:04Speaker 05

  Well, it's not, you keep saying it's mine. It's very sweet, but legally it is yours.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  So it's actually, but it's actually called, oh, Legally Barber and Sons, but they've dropped the and sons.

• 16:14Speaker 05

  Hmm. Down with the patriarchy.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  So there you go.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  There we go.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  It's amazing, isn't it?

• 16:19Speaker 03

  What a story.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  I know. I'm gonna be dining out on that for years.

• 16:22Speaker 03

  Well, hopefully you were gonna be getting free coats for years at least.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  I've already got a barber. Once you've got a barber, you've got it for life, haven't you? You just need to get rewaxed in.

• 16:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like a hairdresser, isn't it?

• 16:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. What do you mean? Well, speaking of which, so because I've been to Fashion Week now and I've seen them all, I've decided to get a new haircut.

• 16:40Speaker 05

  Oh, gosh. What are we now going with?

• 16:42Speaker 00

  So I had the mullet and then I had the mullet taper.

• 16:44Speaker 05

  Oh, the mullet's gone.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, the mullet's not been there for.

• 16:47Speaker 05

  Oh, and it's, it's.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  Months.

• 16:48Speaker 05

  No, no, no, it's, yeah, but I.

• 16:49Speaker 00

  It's, it's, it's like a mullet taper.

• 16:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  If you will. So it's like a short, shorter version. So I'm thinking, and I've, I've used AI for this. And I'm thinking of growing it a bit long. What do you think?

• 17:06Speaker 00

  What?

• 17:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  So that's it, a bit shorter. I'm gonna grow the sides out.

• 17:12Speaker 05

  So it's longer at the front?

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Well, obviously we, we spoke about my, what I did to my hair a few years ago, so I've inspired you once again.

• 17:19Speaker 05

  Maybe we can do it with me. I'll, I'll ask AI what new hairstyle I can have.

• 17:23Speaker 00

  So, well, yeah, let's do it.

• 17:24Speaker 05

  Quite limited options.

• 17:25Speaker 00

  So, um, that was, so I'm gonna kind of grow the sides out a bit and have it a bit long.

• 17:30Speaker 05

  But that's. But that is basically.

• 17:32Speaker 03

  That's not you. That picture's not you, is it?

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's me, but I just put in a picture of, I asked it to give me a taper.

• 17:39Speaker 03

  You look like a member of The Beatles.

• 17:41Speaker 00

  I'll take that.

• 17:41Speaker 05

  Well, that'll be back, whenever that film comes out, is it next year?

• 17:44Speaker 00

  Do you think I'd suit it or not? Or do you reckon I grow, don't grow the sides out?

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Basically, that's my hair. You've copied my hair.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  No, I haven't because.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  Well, it's not like you copied anyone, Ben.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  Ben copied one of the dancers.

• 17:54Speaker 03

  No, I didn't.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  Well, can we not talk about this?

• 17:56Speaker 03

  No.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  Danny will be really flattered that you copied his hair. Basically, we've not talked about this. Ben has recently got a haircut, which by the way.

• 18:04Speaker 05

  I think he looks very handsome.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  Is the best haircut he's had since we've known him. I quite like it when it's long and slick back though.

• 18:09Speaker 03

  What about the, what about the ponytail, whatever it's called?

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Oh, the top knot.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  Top knot.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  Fuck me. Fuck me sideways. That was your worst one.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  Well.

• 18:17Speaker 05

  Do you know, I can't actually remember, Ben. I think you met him at the student radio conference.

• 18:22Speaker 03

  That was pre podcast.

• 18:23Speaker 00

  They look like a shit member of Mumford and Sons.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  But when you walk into rooms like that, you have to make yourself memorable, Jordan.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  And look at you now.

• 18:30Speaker 03

  Anyway.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Ben went in, now most people go to their hairdressers, uh, with like someone that may be famous or the haircut they send. Ben went in with a picture of Danny, one of the dancers on tour, and him and Danny now have the same haircut. Does Danny not know about that?

• 18:46Speaker 03

  Danny doesn't know that yet.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  Well, he does now.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  He does now.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  He will now.

• 18:49Speaker 05

  Do you want to say anything to Danny, your style inspiration?

• 18:50Speaker 03

  It's such an awkward situation. Like, I think a lot of people, hairdressers get in touch. I think a lot of people just come and try and describe it. But I was like, I saw it on social media. I was like, maybe I should have messaged Danny to say, you know what, mate, your hair's looking sick. I'm gonna steal that. But I didn't. I was embarrassed. But now it's been revealed.

• 19:07Speaker 00

  Don't be embarrassed.

• 19:08Speaker 05

  Don't be embarrassed.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  Do you think anyone's ever gone in with a picture of your hair and asked it?

• 19:12Speaker 05

  The Prince is royal.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  But yes, that's why I went. So I'm getting a new haircut. I've been, been inspired, but yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 05

  Okay. And, but again, you know, you've had those publicity shots done for work.

• 19:25Speaker 00

  Which ones?

• 19:26Speaker 05

  You said that that's why you got rid of the moustache.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:28Speaker 05

  If you then suddenly change your hairstyle, and I would say that's quite a drastic haircut change.

• 19:32Speaker 00

  It's not. I'm just growing sides out. I'm just not gonna have me fade anymore.

• 19:35Speaker 05

  But you're not gonna have it longer at the front like those photos?

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Not really.

• 19:38Speaker 05

  Oh, okay. Because you still want to be recognizable with your publicity photos, don't you?

• 19:43Speaker 00

  Do you?

• 19:44Speaker 05

  Well, otherwise what's the point of having the publicity photos?

• 19:47Speaker 00

  Nobody's bothered about publicity photos. Kind of penny, aren't they?

• 19:50Speaker 05

  Oh, fine. We'll change Jordan's publicity photo on this podcast then, shall we? See if you're bothered.

• 19:53Speaker 03

  I don't think anyone's said publicity photo as much as we've just done in a shorter.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  I don't think anyone's said publicity photo since the nineties.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  What is a publicity photo?

• 20:03Speaker 05

  It's a photo you use for publicity.

• 20:07Speaker 05

  You know, like you're in, yeah, you're Instagram profile picture.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Picture, actually. It's about two and a half, nearly three years ago. I do need to change that. I'm gonna do it on my to-do list. It's gonna get done. Oh, and I need to pay you for that barbecue. How much do I owe you for that gas?

• 20:20Speaker 05

  Hundred and fifteen.

• 20:21Speaker 00

  Hundred and fifty quid?

• 20:22Speaker 05

  Hundred, no, no, no, no. Hundred and fifteen.

• 20:24Speaker 00

  Hundred and fifteen?

• 20:25Speaker 05

  One, one five.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  For one bottle of gas? A Robin Getz? I won't be doing that again. I should have got, is it hundred and fifteen?

• 20:30Speaker 05

  It is. It is now.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  What else been going on with you, William Hanson?

• 20:33Speaker 05

  Um, I did send you, just because I know people will have, uh, jumped on the, oh, they're, they're having fun without Jordan bandwagon. I have sent you the link to download the-

• 20:42Speaker 00

  It's just a funny theme in this podcast, isn't it? House parties, dinner parties.

• 20:47Speaker 05

  Excuse me, you were invited to the house party.

• 20:50Speaker 00

  Lunches. I just don't get invited to, oh.

• 20:52Speaker 05

  There's no lunches.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  There's lots of lunches without me, I'm aware.

• 20:58Speaker 05

  Ben, could you back me up here, please?

• 21:02Speaker 03

  I think if you are bitter about not being invited to things.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  I'm not bitter. Oh, no, no, no, no. Remember the old Graham North saying, don't get bitter, get better?

• 21:10Speaker 03

  Did not put a name next to that, so like, I'm just saying. If you're bitter about not being invited, it is, it's, yeah, fair enough. Be bitter, but be better and just invite someone to do something yourself. That's my take.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Point taken. Anyway.

• 21:25Speaker 05

  Anyway, I've sent you the link to download the New York Times app, so you can join in. I do regret accepting Zofia and Social Joe.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Oh, they're, they're great.

• 21:35Speaker 05

  They're now better.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  Are they?

• 21:37Speaker 05

  Whereas I was normally top.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Let's get quizzical, what's the name?

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Normally bottom.

• 21:43Speaker 05

  I was not normally bottom, Ben. You are normally bottom. Every time we play together, you are bottom and I am top.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Okay, I am getting some sort of like computer AI thing to, they're high fiving for some reason, to, to look at the stats and like put this into reality.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  Give me one of the puzzles, because I'd be crap with them. Give me an example.

• 22:00Speaker 05

  The thing is, I would give you mine now, but I haven't played it today.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Let's do one on Friday. Let's do one on Saturday.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  All right. Spile, spoil. I'm just rubbish at them. What's black and white and red all over?

• 22:09Speaker 05

  Newspaper.

• 22:10Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 22:11Speaker 03

  Well, that's not how a crossword works.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  What gets wetter as it dries?

• 22:15Speaker 03

  It's not riddles.

• 22:16Speaker 05

  A towel.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, what is it then? And I'm not going, if there's Sudoku involved, I'm out.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  It's not Sudoku.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  I'm all right at a word search.

• 22:25Speaker 05

  Well, it's not, it's not a word search, it's a crossword.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  Right, well.

• 22:28Speaker 05

  Jack's getting better. Jack's recently joined. Jack is getting better. I think the first time you do it, yeah, you might be rubbish, because you're sort of getting into the how does it work?

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Ends in I T, found in a horse's stable.

• 22:38Speaker 05

  Shite.

• 22:39Speaker 00

  Great. It's an old, um, Mork and Wise joke.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  And that ends in E anyway.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  Two gronies, actually. It's very funny. The non-nexian goes, has anyone got a rubber?

• 22:51Speaker 05

  Oh, is it? Yeah.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Okay, well, I think we can do it on Friday, but I, look, and, and this isn't any shade, like, we're all, we're, we're a welcoming church. I just don't want to be there, like, waiting for like twenty minutes for the crossword to be completed.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:03Speaker 05

  Okay, we'll do it maybe in, in the end break in Friday, shall we?

• 23:07Speaker 00

  What else?

• 23:08Speaker 05

  Um, can we talk about pestles and mortars? Because recently-

• 23:11Speaker 00

  Is that the T-shirt, mate?

• 23:13Speaker 05

  No. It's what you use to crush herbs and spices and garlic.

• 23:19Speaker 00

  I'm thinking of fruit of bloom.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  It's fruit of the loom.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Oh. Pestle, I bought one of them recently. Is that what that's called?

• 23:25Speaker 05

  Because we've had a whole conversation.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  Oh, they're called, I was Googling stuff, you grind stuff with.

• 23:32Speaker 05

  That's why that came up.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 23:34Speaker 05

  So you now own a pestle and mortar.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Yes, I've only never used it. And I had chili last night, I could have used it for that.

• 23:38Speaker 05

  You could have crushed, yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 00

  I know.

• 23:40Speaker 05

  But like whole chilies or chili flakes? You don't need it for chili flakes?

• 23:43Speaker 00

  Just chili powder.

• 23:45Speaker 05

  You don't need it for chili powder. You can, I mean.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  Chili, put chili powder in the pestle and mortar and just try and make it even finer.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  Oh, make it finer?

• 23:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:58Speaker 03

  You put like garlic in it, smash up the garlic, some herbs.

• 24:02Speaker 05

  Which is the pestle and which is the mortar, do you know?

• 24:04Speaker 00

  I don't have a clue. I'm assuming the pestle's the banging thing and the mortar's the-

• 24:08Speaker 05

  Well done. Yes, the mortar's the bowl and the pestle is the pummel.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, the pummel. Right, well.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Is pestle a verb? To pestle?

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Please don't.

• 24:16Speaker 05

  I'm gonna pestle you.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  Well, you, you're both pestling me off right now, myself.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  What, what is it you'd like to say about it?

• 24:23Speaker 05

  No, no, I was just gonna ask you if you've got one, but you clearly have now.

• 24:26Speaker 00

  I did order one. I did order one. What else did I order recently? So I've ordered a new showerhead, getting a new drip coffin. Something else I've ordered.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  In the kitchen, it's a game changer.

• 24:38Speaker 05

  A chef?

• 24:40Speaker 00

  I wish. What have I ordered? Oh, got a proper kiln iron-

• 24:46Speaker 05

  Kiln?

• 24:46Speaker 00

  Pan. Like a proper, what are they called? Iron pan, frying pan.

• 24:53Speaker 05

  You've got a frying pan?

• 24:54Speaker 00

  No, but a proper iron, what are they called?

• 24:56Speaker 03

  Cast iron.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Cast, cast iron.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Cast iron.

• 24:59Speaker 00

  Cast iron, right. And I made a fry up in it at the weekend and I just did it all in air, black pudding and the Scottish black pudding, what's it called?

• 25:06Speaker 05

  I guess.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Oh, I made it all in there and it all cooked at the same time perfectly. Get yourself one. Nightmare to clean, but what?

• 25:13Speaker 05

  I was gonna say.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Feels like I'm in my own little cooking show. Do you ever do that? Where you're like in the kitchen, you ever pretend you've got your own cooking show? Is that just me? If you're ever at a bus stop-

• 25:24Speaker 05

  Well, you do have your own cooking show in a kitchen.

• 25:26Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I do, don't I? Taste Mates, yeah, you can watch that. Surprise dinner party. Um, are you at a bus stop? Do you ever pretend you're a footy manager?

• 25:36Speaker 05

  When was the last time you were at a bus stop?

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Do you do that?

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Do you do that, Ben?

• 25:42Speaker 05

  When was the last time? Generally, right, when was the last time?

• 25:46Speaker 00

  I was at a bus stop. I, can I just say-

• 25:49Speaker 05

  And when I mean, I don't mean just walking past one.

• 25:51Speaker 00

  Right. I get on the bus all the time. I see so many G and Ds on the train and stuff and on the tube.

• 25:58Speaker 05

  Train's not a bus.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  The last time I got a bus was-

• 26:00Speaker 05

  Tube's not a bus.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  Probably about three weeks ago when I went to the gym on Saturday. I jumped on the bus. Anyway, but sometimes if you start at the thing and want me on, do you ever pretend you're a Premier League manager?

• 26:11Speaker 05

  How many Premier League managers are bus stops? I'm sorry?

• 26:14Speaker 03

  It looks like the bit, the dugout.

• 26:16Speaker 00

  The dugout.

• 26:17Speaker 05

  The dugout.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  You've been in a dugout, William?

• 26:19Speaker 05

  I have, have I? I'm very cross.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  If I'm ever struggling on a run, I always pretend I've scored a last minute header for Burnley in FA Cup final. Or, or I've just kept them up, a last minute header and it pumps me up.

• 26:33Speaker 05

  Gorgeous.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  There you go.

• 26:35Speaker 05

  Well, that's lovely. Um, well, we'll get you the mini, we'll have a go on Friday, shall we?

• 26:39Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 26:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 26:40Speaker 05

  And if you, and if you, there should be an incentive.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  We should do a mini, the mini crossword.

• 26:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:48Speaker 03

  And then for that entire episode, the only things you're allowed to talk about must be related to the answers of the mini.

• 26:54Speaker 05

  No, that sounds dull.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  God, who'd put you in charge? Fucking hell.

• 26:58Speaker 03

  It would be great.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 27:00Speaker 05

  Um, shall we go to, talking of excitement, shall we go to Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week?

• 27:04Speaker 00

  They're both a bit edgy this week.

• 27:06Speaker 05

  Fantastic.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Could offend not only our listeners, but I think us as well.

• 27:10Speaker 05

  Great, here's the jingle.

• 27:28Speaker 00

  This one's from Luke. It says, a Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week for you, a clean one as well. What do you call a locksmith with a lisp? And I'll tell you the punchline after the break. This episode of Help, I Stuck to My Boss is brought to you by Skoda.

• 27:42Speaker 05

  Uh, John, it's Skoda, actually.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Skoda.

• 27:46Speaker 05

  Skoda.

• 27:46Speaker 00

  Skoda, so I've been saying it wrong all this time.

• 27:48Speaker 05

  Uh, yes, well, it would seem so, but it's not just you, it would appear, although you do have a track record for mispronouncing words incorrectly.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Such as?

• 27:56Speaker 05

  Ilfracombe, the place on the coast. Ilfracombe.

• 28:01Speaker 00

  Oh, yes, of course. Ilfracombe, Skoda, tomato, tomato.

• 28:05Speaker 05

  Even on a recent episode, you said, uh, inundated.

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Inundated.

• 28:09Speaker 05

  Yeah, which is when you meant inundated. Well, thanks to Skoda, we're going to put our own pronunciation skills, skills, to the test with a little quiz.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 28:19Speaker 05

  Um, so producer Ben is going to give us a list of words to read and we're going to have to guess what the correct pronunciation of that word actually is.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  Uh, the first one is espresso. Got that right?

• 28:32Speaker 05

  Espresso, yes. A lot of people say espresso.

• 28:34Speaker 00

  Espresso, yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 05

  Including my own mother.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:37Speaker 05

  I mean, it's amazing that she can even speak.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Darling, I have an espresso. Next one is bruschetta.

• 28:44Speaker 05

  I think it's bruschetta correctly.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  Bruschetta?

• 28:47Speaker 05

  No, it's a, it's a hard C.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  Bruschetta.

• 28:49Speaker 03

  It's bruschetta.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  Bruschetta.

• 28:53Speaker 05

  Bruschetta, yeah.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  Next one I can see written down here is amuse bouche.

• 28:57Speaker 05

  Yes, and what does that mean?

• 28:59Speaker 00

  It's a starter before a starter. It's a little tickle you fancy, isn't it?

• 29:02Speaker 05

  It means to amuse the mouth, to amuse the palate.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  Oh, amuse bouche?

• 29:06Speaker 05

  This next word I'm gonna say is triggering, because I recently did a video again and this wound everyone up.

• 29:11Speaker 00

  I can't say ackie bowl, is it?

• 29:13Speaker 05

  Acai.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  Acai bowl. I love an acai.

• 29:16Speaker 05

  But apparently I'm getting that wrong, according to social media.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Frozen fruit, you get it on holidays, right, refreshing, good for an hangover, acai.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  Acai.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  Next one I'm saying is tagletelli.

• 29:26Speaker 05

  I think the G is silent, so it's tallietelli.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  Tallietelli, is it? Not tagletelli?

• 29:31Speaker 03

  William is correct, it's tallietelli.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  Next one's satziki.

• 29:35Speaker 05

  Satziki.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  No, you don't pronounce the T.

• 29:37Speaker 05

  Satziki.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  Satziki, innit?

• 29:39Speaker 03

  Satziki.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  Satziki. Is it? Uh, oh, what's this one? Nidjuda?

• 29:45Speaker 05

  Nidjuya.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Nidjuda.

• 29:47Speaker 05

  Nidjuya.

• 29:47Speaker 00

  Nidjuda.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  No.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  Nidjuda.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Nidjuya, is that spicy sausage?

• 29:51Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, I thought you were saying anduuya, I thought you were trying to be funny.

• 29:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, anduuya.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Oh, is it anduuya?

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Anduuya.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Anduuya, I remember that. Oh, God, what's this?

• 29:58Speaker 05

  I don't even know what this word is. B I B I M B A P.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  This is a Yorkshireman saying, bipping me bab.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  It's bibimbap, which I believe is a Korean rice-based dish with an egg on top.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  How a Yorkshireman pronounce the same bibimbap?

• 30:14Speaker 03

  It's a Yorkshireman asking for a sandwich.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 05

  German word now?

• 30:18Speaker 00

  Schadenfreude.

• 30:22Speaker 00

  What?

• 30:22Speaker 05

  That actually sounds quite nice. Would you like some schadenfreude? Schadenfreude, I believe.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Oh, what's schadenfreude? I reckon out of all the languages that could do German, schadenfreude.

• 30:32Speaker 05

  Well, you can't.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Not really.

• 30:34Speaker 00

  Schadenfreude.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  It is schadenfreude.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  What's that? Sausage?

• 30:37Speaker 03

  It's a feeling of enjoyment, taking enjoyment out of someone else's misery.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  Okay, what's this next one? S F O G L I A T E L L E?

• 30:48Speaker 00

  Sefoglatelli?

• 30:49Speaker 05

  Have you sat on the keyboard, Ben, or something?

• 30:51Speaker 00

  Sefoglatelli?

• 30:52Speaker 05

  Sefoglatell?

• 30:53Speaker 03

  Sefogliatelle.

• 30:54Speaker 05

  Sefogliatelle?

• 30:55Speaker 00

  Sefogliatelle.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  Sefogliatelle is a type of shell-shaped pastry with a sweet or creamy filling.

• 31:02Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  Right up your street.

• 31:04Speaker 05

  Does.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  I'd fancy sefoglatelli now.

• 31:06Speaker 05

  There's a bonus one.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Hyperbole.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  Hyperbole.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Oh, is that how you spell hyperbole?

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Hyperbole.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  What is a hyperbole?

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Hyperbole is when something's really purple.

• 31:18Speaker 00

  What's a hyperbole again?

• 31:19Speaker 03

  Hyperbole is like when you're being over the top, you're like...

• 31:23Speaker 00

  Like William?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Hyperbolic is to be...

• 31:25Speaker 05

  You're absolutely so want to talk.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  And the hyper...

• 31:28Speaker 05

  Hyperbole.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  Hyperbole?

• 31:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  I don't exaggerate. You exaggerate. Hyperbole.

• 31:34Speaker 05

  Well, I think it's safe to say it's not just the pronunciation of Skoda that you need a lesson in. Speaking of, let me tell you a thing or two about Skoda. First up, it's got smart technology. It's got wireless phone charging and connectivity, heated sheets, sorry, seats, clever parking sensors, and even a brolly in the door.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  What?

• 31:51Speaker 05

  You know, all Skodas come with a brolly in the door.

• 31:53Speaker 00

  That's amazing. That's, that's pretty smart.

• 31:56Speaker 05

  I see what you did there. It is indeed. Secondly, it's spacious, generous legroom, a sizable boot, and space for absolutely everything.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Who doesn't love a spacious vehicle?

• 32:06Speaker 05

  You're enjoying this, aren't you?

• 32:06Speaker 00

  I am. Certainly.

• 32:08Speaker 05

  And lastly, it's stylish.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  You mean stylish?

• 32:11Speaker 05

  Indeed. Its clean, elegant lines feel considered from every angle, and sitting in a Skoda is always a treat with premium material and everything laid out just so.

• 32:20Speaker 00

  I've got to say, I'm sholled.

• 32:22Speaker 05

  Smart, spacious, and stylish. Very Skoda.

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Twelve celebrities, one Don, and cold, hard cash. From the producers of The Traitors comes The Mob, a new Hulu original series. The iconic Parker Posey hosts this unique reality competition show where 12 celebrity contestants shake down in an Italian villa to win a share of up to $250,000. Watch the new Hulu original series, The Mob, premiering October 26th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+ for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 33:01Speaker 06

  The all-new Whoop is here. Now more advanced than ever. Train smarter, sleep deeper, recover faster.

• 33:12Speaker 06

  Extend your healthy years, understand your cycle phases. Now 7% smaller with 14-plus days of battery life. So your data never stops, and neither do you. Power your best performance with memberships made for every goal. Join Whoop today.

• 33:32Speaker 06

  Hello, I'm Chris Richards, general manager at Saffron Volkswagen Richmond. I'm here to announce an exciting new program that I want you to listen to. Here's my friend, Happy.

• 33:41Speaker 07

  Hi, I'm Happy Harry Turner, special finance manager at SaffronCredit.com. If you're in an open Chapter 13 bankruptcy, recently filed a Chapter 7, or you've been turned down because of credit challenges, don't give up. For nearly 30 years, I've helped people get reliable transportation when others said no. Visit SaffronCredit.com. Remember, I'm not happy unless you are.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. This one's from Luke. He says, what do you call a locksmith with a lisp? Keith.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  And then I got another one.

• 34:15Speaker 05

  That's not offensive. I thought that was a... I was prepared for something edgy.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Uh, this one you might find offensive.

• 34:21Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  Okay. This one's from Megan.

• 34:23Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:24Speaker 00

  Says, how'd you know you were at a gay barbecue?

• 34:28Speaker 00

  Because sausages taste like shit.

• 34:32Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 34:33Speaker 00

  It's Megan Wigan.

• 34:34Speaker 05

  That's just... I mean, nobody... Okay.

• 34:37Speaker 00

  Do you want me to cut that?

• 34:38Speaker 05

  No, no, no, no. I'm just, I'm just picking up Megan's joke because I don't think Megan really understands how it works. I'm not going to show her, but, um...

• 34:47Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Uh, this is from Harold. What's the female equivalent of teabagging?

• 34:55Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 34:56Speaker 00

  A flappuccino.

• 34:58Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  I'm not, I'm not sure.

• 35:06Speaker 00

  A flappuccino.

• 35:10Speaker 05

  We do not, on behalf of everyone at Help, I Section My Boss, we do not endorse that.

• 35:13Speaker 03

  That feels like the best of a bad bunch.

• 35:17Speaker 00

  Why won't you do a jolly joke in the middle?

• 35:19Speaker 03

  I'm only joking.

• 35:20Speaker 00

  Uh, right, before we move on to the questions and dilemmas, um, tomorrow we will be releasing, it's very exciting, our first Patreon exclusive episode.

• 35:31Speaker 05

  Yes, that's right. Um, premium members of our Patreon channel, Help, I Section My Boss Out of Office, or...

• 35:36Speaker 00

  Ooh!

• 35:38Speaker 05

  Get a brand new episode every Wednesday.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  Uh, and this is the place for us to do something a bit different on our usual Tuesday and Friday episodes. So we're really excited about this. We're going on Patreon and we're going to give you loads of bonus content.

• 35:49Speaker 05

  Yes, but don't worry, because if you don't want to join the Patreon, you won't be missing out on any of our normal features and chat, but if you want to see us flex our creative minds, then why not come over to Patreon and join us for some brand new content every Wednesday?

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, and like, like we said, if you're not, that's fine. There's many podcasts I listen to. I don't subscribe. A couple of my favourite ones I do. You get extra bits and it's great, and you can listen to extra episodes and it's ad-free and also it's great. So it's worth saying as well, you can always sign up to our Patreon for free and join us in the group chats where you chat and hang out with all the lovely Gene Devers, as well as members of Sex and My Team, so it's like a little forum, if you will.

• 36:26Speaker 05

  Indeed, yes. Um, tomorrow's first Out of Office episode features...

• 36:29Speaker 00

  Ooh!

• 36:30Speaker 05

  Features a very special appearance from two characters you might have seen on our latest tour. Alas, none of the dancers. We'll leave you to have a think about who that could be.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  Alls I'm going to say for our first Patreon episode, we've really gone out there. And I'll, I'll level with you, Gene Devers, you're going to love it, or you might get 10 minutes in and I think, what the fucking hell is this? Sorry to swear.

• 36:49Speaker 05

  It won't all be like that.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  But there was, I personally thought it was just on the right side...

• 36:55Speaker 05

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Of weird. You got well into it.

• 36:59Speaker 05

  Well, there was just so much depth to the character.

• 37:02Speaker 03

  What do you mean? It wasn't you two, it was...

• 37:03Speaker 05

  No, sorry, it wasn't us. No.

• 37:05Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  You went on.

• 37:06Speaker 05

  It wasn't us.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  So this is a very special appearance from...

• 37:08Speaker 03

  From some people that are not us.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Uh, now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you want to help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to [email protected], or you can DM us, we're at Sex with My Boss on the socials.

• 37:20Speaker 05

  Uh, right, our first dilemma is from Jenna. Hello, Jordan, Willie, Meepee, Bee, and all the other icons that make up the team. I recently started a...

• 37:27Speaker 00

  There's only one icon in this team, and it's Rodrigo.

• 37:29Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  I'm a lion.

• 37:36Speaker 05

  I recently started a new job and I was told the whole office was hot desking. Over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed that most people on my team have desks they've claimed, and actual hot desking isn't massively a thing.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  It's a load of bollocks, hot desking.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, I completely understand that, as I'm a creature of habit too, but expecting to just find somewhere to sit, only to realise you're in someone's favourite seat is stressful, on top of all the other stress of a new job. Everyone works from home on random days of the week, which doesn't help either. So my question is, what's the etiquette when you expect hot desking, only to find out there's a secret seating plan nobody acknowledges? Jenna, kiss, kiss. P.S. Jordan, I've had to start getting up two hours earlier and like you, it's become half of my personality recently.

• 38:15Speaker 00

  I can't, right, I'm not even going to buy it. I've not even mentioned, you mentioned it in this episode. I don't mention it anymore. I haven't.

• 38:22Speaker 05

  Oh, we're good.

• 38:22Speaker 00

  By the way, I'm...

• 38:23Speaker 05

  Don't, don't, don't bring beef with me. I've just read what Jenna said.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  We slept in the other day. Close call. Very close. I got up at 10 to 5, I had 10 minutes to get ready.

• 38:33Speaker 00

  Um, I, I think we should sack off hot desking. And also, can we just bring back, in the office, an office with your boss having an office? I meet with my boss a couple of times a week, and the amount of times we have to go downstairs to book a room or go somewhere else, just have an office.

• 38:49Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  The day he gets an office, we're all screwed, Ben.

• 38:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  But I think just bring back the traditional office.

• 38:54Speaker 05

  First he gets a camera, then he gets an office.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  Worse than the old place as well.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  I would love an office.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  Try and go and have a meeting with your boss, contract man, who's like, yes, let's meet in the Tracy Beaker room. You're like, yeah, trying to get more money here. Can't do that in the Tracy Beaker room, can I? Oh, would you prefer the Morecambe and Wise boardroom? God.

• 39:13Speaker 03

  Wasn't it more about the dumping ground when you had a meeting in the...

• 39:18Speaker 05

  There's the joke.

• 39:20Speaker 00

  I'll get it. Tracy Beaker.

• 39:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, the dump, the, the orphanage was called the dumping ground.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  I wasn't fired. What did he say? I wasn't sacked. I left on my own accord.

• 39:30Speaker 00

  Oh, that's three years ago. I think everyone gathered that.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  I wasn't.

• 39:35Speaker 05

  Anyway, Jenna, I agree. I agree with Jordan as well. Hot desking is rubbish. It shouldn't exist. However, for the time being, it's going to exist. So when you turn up to a new job, you go, right, I know hot desk, it's technically hot desking. Clearly everyone will sit in the same seat. Show me where I can sit.

• 39:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:50Speaker 05

  Just us.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  Cause everyone will.

• 39:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  Everyone sits in the same seat.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 39:54Speaker 00

  It's hot desking.

• 39:55Speaker 05

  Jonathan goes and stands over somebody if they go and sit in the seats and he just stands there until they move. Very passive aggressive, but it suits him. They don't do it again.

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Some places have it where you have to, like, they put you in a place.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  At Cat's Work.

• 40:11Speaker 03

  No, I know. That's what I'm saying. But it's like the opposite where it's like a boss has decided you have to sit there. Would you prefer that? Like to be told, like, right, you have to sit there, you have to sit there.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Bosses should have offices as well, because you get more work done. If you're in, you get more work.

• 40:26Speaker 05

  And there are, there are things that are going to be confidential.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  Yes, I agree. And one can hear.

• 40:32Speaker 05

  You can make them glass so everyone can like, you know, see it in case nothing bad happens.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Do you think certain people needed an office?

• 40:40Speaker 03

  I agree.

• 40:41Speaker 05

  Not Ben, but.

• 40:42Speaker 03

  I, yeah.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Do not give him an office. That's the last thing we need. Put a little cupboard under the stairs.

• 40:47Speaker 05

  Not even a cupboard, a nook.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  A glory hole.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  You'd give me a glory hole?

• 40:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:52Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:54Speaker 05

  This is.

• 40:57Speaker 05

  This is, this is from Megan. To all the sexy team, especially Jordan, my favourite.

• 41:01Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 41:02Speaker 05

  Oh, fuck you, Megan. Let's go to Chloe's letter.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  I never get any of that. That's so lovely. Thank you. Thanks, Megan.

• 41:08Speaker 05

  That was probably a bit harsh. To all of the sexy team, I've recently had laser eye surgery. That'll explain it.

• 41:14Speaker 00

  So has my dad, Grego.

• 41:15Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 41:16Speaker 00

  My mum, um, moved them into other room because he had things on. He looked like a bitch. She kept having nightmares.

• 41:21Speaker 05

  After the procedure, my eyes were a bit tender and I was very conscious of not rubbing them or doing anything that could irritate them further. That evening, my partner and I were both in the mood, so I decided to give him a treat with a nice bit of oral gratification.

• 41:33Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 41:36Speaker 05

  And then disaster struck, literally. His spunk shot out and splashed straight into my freshly lasered eye.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  Oh, for God's sake.

• 41:42Speaker 05

  I immediately freaked out. This is exactly the kind of thing the doc, doctor told me to avoid happening. But what is the etiquette for going to your optician with a sore eye and attempting to explain what kind of foreign material has caused your eye to start weeping? Lots of love, Megan. Well, can I take this first?

• 41:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:56Speaker 05

  Megan, like, you did it, whatever, but I'm not a doctor, but I would imagine a doctor is going to be able to treat you better if you are just honest. And you say the truth.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  They've seen it and heard it all before.

• 42:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, just go and be honest.

• 42:08Speaker 00

  Say, my boyfriend shot in my eye. And if he did.

• 42:11Speaker 05

  Or, or, no, you don't need to say that. You could just go, a bit of semen entered my eye.

• 42:17Speaker 05

  That's what you need to say. That's fact.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  Well, sit down and we're going to let you see the doctor. I'm just the rece, because now the receptionist, the receptionist now.

• 42:24Speaker 05

  Oh, they ask you what's wrong.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  Say what's wrong. I'm like, what's it to do with you? And they're like, what's wrong? And I'm like.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Got come in my eye again.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  Got come in my eye again, right. All right, Megan. You'll see you on Monday.

• 42:37Speaker 05

  And you know that they put the phone down and turn to the other one and go, you never guess what.

• 42:41Speaker 00

  Jizz eye again. Um.

• 42:44Speaker 05

  That's slag at number forty-two.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  I, I would, I would definitely be honest. Is it true dentists know when you've been, you've had like quite a aggressive blowjob?

• 42:54Speaker 05

  I'm sorry.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Is that true? If your dentist goes in your mouth, they can see when you, if you suck someone off or something.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  How?

• 43:00Speaker 00

  I was telling them, it's like, oh, back you come.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  Sorry?

• 43:07Speaker 05

  Dentists let us know if that's true.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  I'm, I think I've seen that. I've seen it online.

• 43:11Speaker 05

  Have to be a very aggressive.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  On Reddit or somewhere. They can tell when they know you've.

• 43:15Speaker 05

  Oh, well, if it's on Reddit, it must be true.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  I think a dentist.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Sure, the only, the only, the only thing I can think of is if it's your, whatever they call it at the back of your throat.

• 43:24Speaker 00

  Tonsils. Yeah, that's, I think they can tell if they're a bit damaged and they know.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  You could have been eating a particularly girthy banana for all they know.

• 43:31Speaker 05

  How, I mean, you don't eat a banana like that, Ben.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  I wouldn't know how you eat a willy, so I'm sorry.

• 43:42Speaker 05

  Try that again more convincingly.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  I wouldn't know how you ate a willy.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 43:52Speaker 05

  Wow. Yeah, Megan, just be honest. Honest, keep it factual. A bit of.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Does that happen often in, in the eye? Was there a sort of, a bit of like, maybe shouldn't have been doing it?

• 44:02Speaker 05

  Well, if your doctor, if your doctor basically, I don't know what the, I mean, it's very specific instructions after laser eye. Was Graham told not to get any jizz in his eye? Should we text him?

• 44:10Speaker 00

  Not his age. God.

• 44:13Speaker 05

  Well, you never know.

• 44:14Speaker 00

  He's gonna jizz in me dad's eye.

• 44:15Speaker 05

  Well, it could be self-inflicted.

• 44:19Speaker 05

  Well, it could be.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  I don't want to, oh, can we, can we move on? I'm not even going there.

• 44:26Speaker 05

  Okay, this is from Chloe. What is the etiquette for giving money to colleagues when they leave your place of work? I find it really strange tradition that when someone is leaving, we all put money in a card or an online pot. There are four hundred plus people in my office and I feel like I get requests to contribute to a leaving collection nearly every week. I'm not tight and I think it's lovely to get someone you work closely with a personal gift if they retire or are from your smaller team. But is it just me or is this just art? I feel like no one says anything because it's one of those things we just do because everyone else does. Would love your thoughts, Chloe.

• 44:56Speaker 00

  You don't, oh, you remember Chloe, it is optional and it should be optional.

• 44:59Speaker 05

  Completely.

• 45:00Speaker 00

  And if they are on your team and there's someone close to you, then fair enough. I would hate the thought of someone doing a whip round for me. I don't, unless, it is nice for people that have been there for years. But also the company should really pay for it as well, if you ask me. If they're a big enough company and you've got four hundred people.

• 45:16Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's ridiculous to contribute.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Pay for it. But if it is someone, yeah, just remember it's optional. That's, that's my take on it.

• 45:24Speaker 05

  If it's someone in your team, fair enough. Or even if it is someone in your team and you, you go, no, I'm not going to contribute to the group gift. Because I'm getting my own gift for them. That is also fine.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  That's fag.

• 45:35Speaker 05

  Or even if you're not going to get your own gift and you don't want to contribute because money is a bit tight, you don't need to.

• 45:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:41Speaker 05

  So then the card, you can all just give them a big hug, take them out for a drink, do whatever you're gonna do.

• 45:45Speaker 00

  What would we get Ben as a leaving present?

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Just get him a, do you know, I've got your bloody framed picture at my house, by the way. Will you come and get it? You know, from the tour, the last tour.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you invite me over.

• 45:58Speaker 00

  You've been over. I forgot to get it out for you.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Stumbling down the street screaming, where's my bloody camera gone last time I left you, was I?

• 46:06Speaker 00

  Left his camera.

• 46:08Speaker 05

  Someone stole it. It as an excuse to come back.

• 46:11Speaker 00

  It was an ornamental camera that he had round his neck. I haven't seen any pictures from it.

• 46:15Speaker 05

  No, actually I haven't, actually.

• 46:16Speaker 03

  I think I took two pictures.

• 46:18Speaker 00

  Is that it?

• 46:19Speaker 05

  I think you took one of me.

• 46:20Speaker 03

  I took one of William.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  Is that it?

• 46:21Speaker 03

  That was it.

• 46:23Speaker 05

  Can, can you develop that and, and?

• 46:25Speaker 03

  I can, I can put it on the carousel.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  That one I walked in on your bath. You were on a chaise lounge.

• 46:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:30Speaker 03

  No, that, yeah, that was the second one. And the first one was just out in the patio, which we can share.

• 46:34Speaker 05

  No, you don't. You don't have a chaise lounge. Chaise lounge, my parents used to have a chaise lounge in their bedroom in the old house.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  A cut glazed short chaise lounge.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's the original cup chair, isn't it? A chaise lounge.

• 46:47Speaker 05

  Well, it's called a fainting couch originally, I think.

• 46:49Speaker 00

  A fainting couch. You could have a proper good wank on a chaise lounge, can't you?

• 46:53Speaker 05

  If you can say it.

• 46:54Speaker 03

  A cumming couch.

• 46:56Speaker 05

  Oh, Benedict.

• 46:58Speaker 03

  Or a cuck couch. It's a cuck couch.

• 47:01Speaker 05

  It's a chaise lounge.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Quite hard to say cuck couch.

• 47:04Speaker 05

  Maybe we should, ultimately your chair could become a chaise lounge.

• 47:07Speaker 03

  I'm in, I'm in for that.

• 47:09Speaker 05

  Poor Jack's on really looking like a very uncomfortable chair and you could, Jack could have that chair and we'll get your chaise lounge.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Jack could have my chair. It's not, it's not, we're hot desking.

• 47:20Speaker 05

  This is from Natasha, dear William, Jordan and the sexted crew. Is there a correct etiquette for gates? When leaving the house, should one leave the gate open to indicate that the house is unoccupied or should it always be closed behind you? I generally think about this every single time I leave the house.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  Close it.

• 47:35Speaker 05

  Natasha.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  What, are you mad? Can burglars come on in and rob us?

• 47:38Speaker 05

  No, no, no. I mean, we think, we're not thinking like a big gate. We're just thinking like a little, you know, gate at the front of the house. You can jump over most gates.

• 47:46Speaker 00

  Close your gates.

• 47:48Speaker 03

  I'm thinking like, keeping up appearances on slow.

• 47:50Speaker 00

  I go down my street and close everyone's gates. They always leave them open. I'm like, close your gates. I personally think you should always close a gate.

• 47:57Speaker 03

  You close people's gates without their permission?

• 48:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, they always get funny looks, but I think I'm helping you from burglars.

• 48:04Speaker 05

  I mean, most, yeah, but most gates, a burglar's not going to go, oh, that gate's shut, won't touch that house. It's like, eh, ah.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  I sometimes put the radio on as well, so you know I'm in. Not me, when I'm on. But if, my grandma used to do it. She'd put the radio on and land in light.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Put Capital Breakfast on, I'm sure.

• 48:23Speaker 05

  My parents used to have, I mean, now you get.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  The wireless, she went, put wireless on when it pouts, if we get burgled.

• 48:27Speaker 05

  You get smart bulbs now, but you used to have those lights on timers. So they would come on to make it look like you were on, you were still there. Did you ever have the plugs?

• 48:36Speaker 00

  No.

• 48:36Speaker 05

  And you'd put in the things and they would.

• 48:39Speaker 00

  Well, sure, on holiday.

• 48:40Speaker 05

  And then they would sort of, the lights would come on and then go off at midnight or whatever. You could set it randomly.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  See, my, my worries with my houses and when I set my alarm, I was worried it's gonna go off when I'm out. My neighbour's gonna go mad. That's another example.

• 48:53Speaker 05

  Is it not linked to your phone? So if it does, you, you'll get an alert on your phone.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  Hmm, but then I'm always worried that it won't come off.

• 48:59Speaker 05

  You can, you can control it from your phone.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  But then I'm always worried that like, it won't.

• 49:04Speaker 05

  But, but.

• 49:04Speaker 03

  I think the alarm is supposed to go off if like, someone comes in though, isn't it?

• 49:08Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 49:08Speaker 00

  I'm aware of how a burglar alarm works, Ben. Just saying, then I, I have an extra anxiety that it's gonna go off and wake the street up. When I'm away at like two in the morning or somewhere, you're with me.

• 49:18Speaker 05

  Hmm, yeah, but.

• 49:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:20Speaker 03

  Say la vie.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Do you have a, I don't know where we can go with this legally, but do you have anything for safekeeping by your bed in case you get burgled? Or is that just me and my traumatic childhood? Do you not?

• 49:32Speaker 05

  What do you mean for safekeeping?

• 49:34Speaker 00

  Well, if you get burgled, have you not got a?

• 49:35Speaker 03

  Do you have a golf club?

• 49:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, something like that.

• 49:37Speaker 05

  Well, we've done this on Luxury Podcast and Jonathan will say that the law is, um.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  You can't, can you?

• 49:43Speaker 05

  If you, if you had a gun or a knife or something that is, that is a weapon by your bed and someone broke in and you used that. Alas, you are going to jail, even though they have broken in. Alas.

• 49:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:56Speaker 05

  If you happen to have, I know, a, a, a, a rolling pin, let's say. That should belong in the kitchen, but it was in the bedroom. You could go, oh, I was doing some baking. I absentmindedly took the rolling pin upstairs. That's why it was in the bedroom and I used that to whack the burglar around the head.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  What about a baseball bat?

• 50:13Speaker 05

  Hmm, that one I think is, is a bit.

• 50:16Speaker 03

  How often are you playing baseball?

• 50:19Speaker 00

  All right, what about a paddle racket?

• 50:21Speaker 05

  That would be fine.

• 50:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:22Speaker 05

  I mean, I'm not sure that's going to really.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  They won't do as much.

• 50:25Speaker 05

  No.

• 50:25Speaker 03

  I think Bottina de Bonne, you often have a little tipple at the end of your evening, don't you, in bed?

• 50:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:29Speaker 00

  What about a double-ended twelve? That fucking hurt, that, wasn't it?

• 50:33Speaker 03

  Or the Clonawilly.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  That wrap round your head. Get out. Yeah.

• 50:39Speaker 05

  Could make a friend.

• 50:40Speaker 00

  It's ridiculous, that.

• 50:42Speaker 05

  Turn a burglary.

• 50:44Speaker 00

  Into.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  Into a special friend.

• 50:46Speaker 03

  Into a buggery.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  No, that was funny. That's fine.

• 50:52Speaker 05

  I'm not offended.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  That's funny. That's funny. Burglary into a buggery.

• 50:57Speaker 05

  Anyway, Chloe, oh no, Natasha, close your gates.

• 51:03Speaker 00

  Great.

• 51:03Speaker 05

  This is from Emily.

• 51:05Speaker 00

  Good for you. Well done.

• 51:06Speaker 05

  Dearest William, Jordan and EPB, this isn't so much of a current dilemma, but I'm sure other ladies would like to get your advice on this for possible future occurrences.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  Well, you've come to the right place.

• 51:14Speaker 05

  Yes. When I was younger, my boyfriend was going downtown on me like Petula Clark, and he had his hands under my bottom. This lifted my pelvis in such a way that air was unknowingly sucked into my cavern of dreams. What resulted was, of course, a huge queef, right into his face. I can see his hair blowing in the breeze still, all these years later. My reaction was to laugh, but he didn't find this at all amusing.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  Oh, the miserable cat.

• 51:41Speaker 05

  And said I was disgusting. My question is, what is the etiquette when you accidentally let out a massive fanny fart directly into your lover's face? Kind regards, Emily.

• 51:49Speaker 00

  Every now and then, I think there's going to be a bit of a queef. So.

• 51:53Speaker 05

  Not my area of expertise, and I can't really help.

• 51:55Speaker 00

  So I think you laugh it off.

• 51:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, you didn't do it on per- if you, if you queef or fart from whatever orifice, or burp, for that matter, on purpose during an intimate act.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:07Speaker 05

  Not funny.

• 52:08Speaker 00

  Not funny.

• 52:08Speaker 05

  Not funny, absolutely disgusting.

• 52:10Speaker 00

  If you do it by accident.

• 52:11Speaker 05

  If it happens by accident, you just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  I said, but queef.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  We'll just laugh.

• 52:17Speaker 00

  The funniest word ever, isn't it?

• 52:19Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Don't think. What's the gay.

• 52:22Speaker 05

  I didn't know what.

• 52:23Speaker 00

  Equivalent of a queef? Boif?

• 52:24Speaker 05

  Boif.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  Boif? Beef?

• 52:26Speaker 05

  Beef? No, a fart.

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 52:30Speaker 05

  It's just a fart.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  A bottom burp?

• 52:32Speaker 05

  No. Um, we'll move on.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 52:36Speaker 05

  Thank you for all your questions and dilemmas, they have been so enlightening.

• 52:38Speaker 00

  Did we answer the queef question?

• 52:40Speaker 05

  Uh, you, I, it's not my area of expertise.

• 52:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think you just laugh it off.

• 52:44Speaker 05

  Laugh it off.

• 52:45Speaker 00

  Laugh it off. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexted. See you on Friday.

• 53:00Speaker 05

  Goodbye.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  New Patreon episode out tomorrow.

• 53:09Speaker 01

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