X-Rated Film Puns | And Pillow Fluffers

William Hanson and Jordan North get uncharacteristically steamy this week, reeling off a list of X-rated G&Diva movie titles so filthy they had the entire team wheezing on the studio floor. Elsewhere, the lads once again try to settle the nation's most riveting debate: how often should you actually wash your sheets? They also receive a letter from one impeccably well-to-do G&Diva determined to out-posh William himself. Bold move. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected], and for more Sexted fun sign up https://sextedmyboss.com/newsletter/ to our free VIG&Diva newsletter. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Help I Sexted My Boss is presented by William Hanson and Jordan North. It is an Audio Always http://www.audioalways.com production. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike, and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Hi everyone, it's Katie Couric. And on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households. Yet, many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs. Ask a financial

• 1:14Speaker 01

  professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to our Friday episode, where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice went down with you, our G and D'vus.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  How the dickens are you?

• 1:50Speaker 00

  I'm good. Yourself?

• 1:52Speaker 02

  Yes, I'm very well, thank you. We've got your lovely barbecue, haven't we?

• 1:55Speaker 00

  It's the talk of the town, William.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  It is the talk of the town.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Talk of the town.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  And remember, one burger, one sausage, one chicken, and one corn on the cob.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  Little bit of potato and one brownie.

• 2:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  Although you're not barbecuing them.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  No, I won't be barbecuing the brownies.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  So we've got a chilled one tonight, Friday.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  Don't barbecue the brownies. They look like you chasing after that guy. Went and fucked the car.

• 2:20Speaker 03

  He'll be caked.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Don't be so disgusting. What's so disgusting? The pair of you.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Disgusting.

• 2:30Speaker 02

  What an image.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  I'm doing my big shop tonight.

• 2:32Speaker 02

  Are you?

• 2:33Speaker 00

  After this, I'm gonna go and do my big shop.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  Nice, okay.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Got my list.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Lovely. You don't go to the butcher's?

• 2:39Speaker 00

  No, not for catering for 22 people. Got my big shop.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 2:45Speaker 00

  I forgot to ask, if any of you's got dietary requirements, and proper ones, because I think a lot of, I don't really believe in them, unless it's nuts, I think it's all a load of bollocks. So does any of you's have any dietary requirements?

• 2:56Speaker 02

  It's all nuts.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  Unless it's nuts, I think it's a load of bollocks. Do you mean you can't have bloody dairy?

• 3:03Speaker 02

  Jordan, in the interest of your career...

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Do you mean you can't have dairy? No offence if any of you's having... Do you mean you're...

• 3:11Speaker 02

  Lactose intolerant?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Lactose intolerant.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Gluten, celiac?

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Don't believe in all that. So, do any of you's have any...

• 3:18Speaker 02

  His words.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  Why are you nodding? I do. What? I've got almonds. Got almonds, right, that's nuts.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  What's nuts?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Nuts and shellfish, I can understand.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Because of the Mrs Doubtfire scene. He was like...

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Right, that's how you can understand it.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, because you don't want...

• 3:32Speaker 02

  It's through the medium of Robin Williams and Pierce Brosnan.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  You don't want Pierce, being like Pierce Brosnan, joking, "Help is on the way, dear!"

• 3:40Speaker 02

  He lives.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, yeah.

• 3:42Speaker 02

  Okay, well, that's...

• 3:43Speaker 00

  I'm doing my big shop tonight, and then I've got a game of paddle on Sunday.

• 3:46Speaker 02

  Yes, on my Sunday, I think I'm going to go to the garden centre, because I think I'd need a bigger pot for my cucumbers. I do. They're growing at a rapid rate.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  How do you grow cucumbers?

• 3:56Speaker 02

  Very easily, actually, in my part of the world.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  Bring some round, I'll pop them in the salad.

• 3:59Speaker 02

  I am going to bring some round. If I've got enough, I will genuinely bring my cucumbers round.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Okay, great.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  And people can enjoy that.

• 4:07Speaker 00

  All right.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Which is nice. Lovely. And is your paddle game improving at all, or is it still a bit dodgy? That's what you've said recently.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Up and down, very inconsistent.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Up and down, okay.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  I can get my head a bit.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  You, in your head. It's not like you.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  But, yeah, getting better.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  Good.

• 4:24Speaker 03

  Hi, guys.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  Hi, Ben. What are you doing this weekend other than the barbecue? One burger, one sausage. Honestly, if he was vegetarian like he used to be, we'd have more food.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Oh, you're not veggie this weekend, are you?

• 4:37Speaker 02

  No, that, that, that's, that phase has closed, hasn't it, Ben?

• 4:40Speaker 00

  I still am jugged. Some, oh, Diego, you, I've got a tennis pedigree cupboard for you, be all right. Pedigree chum comes out my bum like pedigree chum. Oh, Diego.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Honestly, with that moustache, we might be able to fill your whiskers.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Ben?

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Cats away this weekend, so I've got a bit of a free, free pass to do what I want.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  Oh, Ben and I are going to be a couple for the first hour, because Mike is coming an hour late, because he's coming from something else. So Ben and I are gonna couple up.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Is anyone coming on time? Jimmy from Capital's got a bloody netball match.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Yay.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Hey, he's captain of the England netball team, you know?

• 5:28Speaker 00

  I will be replaying this.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  That's fine. So, hang on. So he's arriving an hour late, Mike's right. Maybe we should order some...

• 5:33Speaker 03

  Shall we just arrive at an hour late?

• 5:35Speaker 02

  Let's go to the pub.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  We've got the, the subwoofer as well.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Have you told your neighbours?

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Maureen won't mind. She'll come in, she'll probably come and join us.

• 5:46Speaker 03

  Will she get one sausage, one potato, one...

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Hang on, 23.

• 5:52Speaker 00

  One burger, one chicken, one corn on the cob.

• 5:54Speaker 03

  Well, if she's got one on the list, then I'll just have one of hers, because she's not invited.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  No. Or tell her, like, five, and we'll have had all the food. I'm not giving Maureen my call on the cob. Never met her.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  Right, what are we doing? Come on.

• 6:07Speaker 02

  Right, well, after Ross revealed in a dilemma that his father had introduced him to the X-rated version of Beauty and the Beast as a child...

• 6:15Speaker 00

  I dread to think.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Inadvertently, we asked our G and D'vus to ruin some more classic films with some X-rated titles.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Great.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  Saskia, said Mary Poppins.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Seen that 45 times as well.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  A spoonful of sugar makes the cock go down. The cock go down. The cock go down. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in your arse, ding ding ding ding ding ding like a duster. Supercalifragilistic... I could carry on.

• 6:44Speaker 02

  Don't.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Tuppence a bird.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Show me your tuppence. Your tuppence. Your tuppence. We should remake the Mary Poppins porn.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 6:55Speaker 03

  Mary Poppins.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Mary Poppins. What's the real sad song that they sing at the end?

• 7:02Speaker 02

  The sad song? What they do, stay awake, they do...

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Stick it in.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  Let's go fly a kite.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Let's go fuck.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Ben?

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Let's go fuck my arse.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  Tommy, we're gonna move on. Tommy suggested Forrest Hump.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  Very good.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Pink number one lover.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  Like a box of chocolates.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  I don't want to go near your chocolate box. Pink number one lover, says womb raider.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  Andy suggested Batman and Throbbin'.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Bit of costume play.

• 7:44Speaker 00

  Class.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  El Coxey, Willy Wanker's chocolate factory.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Great.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  Michael

• 7:53Speaker 02

  takes you back to your school days. Come, fat boy, come.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  This podcast couldn't get any lower, and I love it. This is right into my year eight sense of humour.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Tom, titty titty gangbang.

• 8:08Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  Ben, really not producer, bend over like Beckham.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Great.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Tony, Titanic.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  That's not even good.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  Benny.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  How's that made the thing in cut?

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Project Nail Mary.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  Like that.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  Andrew, Aseblenka.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Weston, what an interesting name. Who shagged Roger and his rabbit? And Mr Fandango, RoboCock.

• 8:36Speaker 00

  I think Rum Com Fat by Cum wins for me.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  I don't think we've had this many responses from men, so it's very interesting to see what gets them involved.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Is that the note from Social Joe?

• 8:45Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  Brilliant.

• 8:46Speaker 02

  Thank you, Social Joe. And thank you to all those who contributed to that.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  That's great.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  Fascinating X-rated film title puns.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Mary Poppins. That could be the thing. She could be the nanny, hot nanny, who that ends up shagging. Mr Banks.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Mr Bonks.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  Mr Bonks. Then the wife finds out, but she joins in.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  And then Bert, the chimney sweep, comes down and he joins in.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  Where does he come down?

• 9:13Speaker 00

  From the chimney.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Nice. There is, I've said this before, but there is a bit in Mary Poppins the Musical, which obviously isn't on in, at the moment, but where Miss Andrew, the nanny, who comes up in act two, the bad nanny, where she opens the bottle of brimstone and treacle, and the sound effect they use, and they have used in the show always is, and every time it happens, I think of my arse.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  William's arse.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  Hmm, only because of you and going William's arse. Anyway, after putting you, Jordan, to the test on last Friday's episode, I thought it was time you all heard some actual etiquette advice, rather than, well, to be fair, you got four out of five. So, we asked our G and D'vus to send in their burning etiquette questions. Jordan, take it away. I will answer. You give me the question, I will answer.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Josh says, what should you do if you're accidentally farting in public?

• 9:59Speaker 02

  Don't mention it.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Really?

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  What if it's really loud and really smelly, and everyone knows it's...

• 10:04Speaker 02

  Blame it on the dog.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  What if there's a dog not there?

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Don't, doesn't matter. Blame it on the dog. It's very ill-mannered to refer to other people's flatulence.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 10:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  How would I address a letter to the first sea lord?

• 10:16Speaker 02

  Oh, God, I don't know. I have to look it up.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Who's the first sea lord?

• 10:19Speaker 02

  I don't know. Who's, is that the same as the...

• 10:21Speaker 00

  Is that one of those fairy books?

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Head of the admiral. No, the first sea lord is the head of the, head of the navy.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  And that, a phone of roses.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Is the first sea lord now the king? I think it used to be the late Duke of Edinburgh.

• 10:33Speaker 03

  It's General Sir Gwyn Jenkins.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Right. Well, I'd need to look it up.

• 10:38Speaker 03

  So you say, you say, "Hi, Gwyn."

• 10:40Speaker 00

  So, do we...

• 10:41Speaker 02

  You would not say, "Hi, Gwyn."

• 10:42Speaker 00

  So, do we have a first sea lord? What is that like, the head of...

• 10:45Speaker 02

  The navy.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  Is it? I thought that was the admiral.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  No, first sea lord is the head of the navy, I believe. Yes.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Wouldn't you say, "Ahoy"?

• 10:54Speaker 02

  No, you don't say, "Ahoy!" Hello, sailor.

• 11:00Speaker 00

  What does, uh, uh, Mrs. Bookcase say?

• 11:06Speaker 02

  What?

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Ahoy there.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  She does not say, "Ahoy, oh, ahoy, my hearties." Yes.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Abby says, "What to do when someone is queue jumping?"

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Um, well, you, I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they're not queue jumping to begin with, and then sort of say, "Oh, actually, there is actually a queue, it's just at the back."

• 11:21Speaker 00

  Absolutely, sorry. I'm really sorry, there's a queue here.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll flip them round here. What do you do when a friend gives you a cheap wine you don't like?

• 11:28Speaker 02

  You say, "Jordan, I don't want that chilled Roca. Take it out of the fridge a bit earlier."

• 11:34Speaker 00

  What do you say?

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Hmm?

• 11:35Speaker 00

  What do you do? You just keep it.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  You don't, you don't say anything, you just have to, you go, "Oh, it's, if they, you know, drink as much, if they poured it for you, try and drink it if you can, it's not going to kill you." And then if they say, "Would you like another glass?", you go, "Oh, do you know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna play it safe."

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, yeah, okay. What's a witty, uh, out of office message?

• 11:53Speaker 02

  You don't need a witty out of office message. It's not a stand-up comedy routine. People that make them funny, they think they're hilarious. No, they're not.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  "Are paper napkins acceptable?", says Beau, "Or should one always strive to use fabric?"

• 12:06Speaker 02

  I do think a fabric napkin, and I'm gonna say it, for al fresco dining, a cloth napkin is gonna stay on your lap, whereas a paper one, because it maybe is a bit of a breeze, it blows off so easily, and then you have to constantly pick it up, and then you may not want to pick it up because it's gone on the floor. Just use a cloth napkin, they're so much nicer.

• 12:24Speaker 00

  Okay, uh, Nicola says, "Can I eat a battered sausage without a knife and fork?"

• 12:29Speaker 02

  A battered sa- what's a battered sausage?

• 12:31Speaker 00

  I've never had a battered sausage. I bet you have after a few nights in Soho, but from chip.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  It's not the sausage, anyway, no.

• 12:39Speaker 00

  From, from the chippy? Never had a battered sausage?

• 12:42Speaker 02

  I've never had, no, I, no, I don't really go to the chippy.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  I think you can eat a battered sausage without a fork, because sometimes you put it in the paper.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  There's the thumbnail.

• 12:54Speaker 03

  Jordan has mimed eating sausage with his hand.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  For those listening, I was just gesturing.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  I think that's what he was doing.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Eating a battered, because you can, can't you?

• 13:00Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 13:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, oh, you'll like this one. Anon says, "Do you send a thank you letter after sex? I had a good time."

• 13:07Speaker 02

  Well, you did. I've still got it.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  Can you send a thank you le- I think a text, maybe?

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't, I think a thank you letter is a bit much.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  A text?

• 13:17Speaker 02

  I think so, if, certainly if you want to continue the relationship, even if it's just, you know, friends with benefits, you, you could say, "Oh, you know, it's lovely to see you.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  Hope to see you again soon."

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Okay. Finally, Ed says, "What's the etiquette for rubbing one out under the table?"

• 13:32Speaker 02

  Oh, I've never been asked that.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Don't.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  What? Yeah, don't.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Don't.

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Why do you want to do it under the table?

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, don't.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  That's what I always think.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  All right, there you go, I like that, I should do more, some, more quickfire etiquette.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Yes, I will come back to you on how to address the first sea lord, because I feel I need to give a proper answer on that.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  But I'll be honest, my one weak spot with etiquette is generally anything military.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Really?

• 13:55Speaker 02

  Hmm. Anyway, we've got more of your emails, messages and letters after the break.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Hi, everyone, it's Katie Couric, and on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households, yet many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

• 15:03Speaker 02

  Welcome back, Jean Devers, let's go to your responses. And anon has messaged, "After spotting me in the wild, behaving in a way that can only be described as deeply uncouth."

• 15:12Speaker 00

  Great, what's he been up to? Was this the argument with Mikey on the tube? Or was this?

• 15:17Speaker 02

  That was years ago.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Or was this?

• 15:19Speaker 02

  We weren't even married.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Was this the night out where you had to leave the taxi?

• 15:25Speaker 02

  But you haven't even heard half of them, more recently.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, God.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  Let's put, there's one of my handkerchiefs discarded in a bin on the West Way, let's put it that way. Anonymous has messaged, "Dear William Jordan, EPB and the wider sexed team, long time listener, first time writer here. My birthday is the 21st of July and my partner's is the 30th of July, so we celebrated with a big birthday bash for two. Theatre, dinner, drinks and a hotel stay. For context, he's a six foot three, very masked, straight acting, oh, it's basically me, straight acting, blokey, North London Essex guy, and I'm a five eight and a half camper gay from Essex. We've been together for just over a year. I booked the Book of Mormonist's gateway musical, as he claims he doesn't usually enjoy them, aside from the obvious Jersey Boys exception. On the walk to the theatre, we passed Titanic, and I mentioned how much I'd have loved to see it during William's run,

• 16:15Speaker 02

  although I fear it might have been a baptism of fire for my boyfriend's first musical experience. After a successful matinee, we headed into Soho for a post-theatre debrief and a martini, Vespa, dry with a twist for me, and ended up at Sofies, it's a bar in Soho. Imagine our delight when the one and only William Hanson walked in and was seated directly behind us. I didn't want to interrupt, but it was a joy to see William out in the wild, enjoying himself. I would, of course, have gushed about my love of the podcast and offered my support after the frankly rigged poll where he was voted the least funny. Top vote from me. Thank you."

• 16:47Speaker 00

  So they seen you in?

• 16:48Speaker 02

  A bar in Soho. It's to go in between the matinee and the evening.

• 16:51Speaker 00

  Did you actually? And you probably walked in with all your, your gaggle of twinks, is that what you call a bunch of twinks? Is it a gaggle or is it a? And you would have been there with your drinking hand, like, "So I said to the lady, that's not how you make a drink." Was he, was he, was he holding court? I can imagine you holding court.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  However, I did witness something truly shocking. William, the nation's leading etiquette expert, slumped back in a booth. Okay. Arm over his friend's chair. Hang on, it's a booth or is it a chair? Casually stabbing chips with a fork before eating them.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Ah, shocking behaviour.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  Well, if I'm eating chips with a fork, I wouldn't say that was that bad.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Actually, it's not, is it?

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Um, a level of relaxed dining etiquette I'd never thought I'd see. So my dilemma is, when is casual dining etiquette acceptable even for an etiquette expert? Thank you for all bringing so much joy and laughter into our lives. The podcast is a wonderful escape from modern life, and we're so grateful for everything you do. All mis regards, the gay and the striped Cuban collar.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  But I can't, I mean, to be honest, I mean, I've propped that bar up over the last seven weeks.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  The gay and the striped Cuban collar, isn't that a book?

• 17:53Speaker 02

  No, that's The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Oh, right, sorry.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  Which I think is a very different, very different book. Um, I can't really remember when that was, but they do quite nice chips there.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, also, if you see him out in the wild, William, say hello to him.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Yes, do come and say hello, don't bite.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  If he's, um, either of us, Jean Devers, either of us, you can say hello to us. Um, but eating chips with a fork sounds quite posh, actually.

• 18:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  So I don't know if I've done anything, but you, you do etiquette, you know, etiquette is not, you, how you behave at a state banquet, for example, if we take that as the sort of the most formal dining etiquette scenario, with how you're eating chips in a fast food restaurant, not that Sofies is fast food, is, you are, you can dial it up and dial it down, you don't have to necessarily behave exactly the same in different scenarios. It is context specific.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  Do you know what I had for my tea last night? Scampi and chips.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  I knew you'd all do that when I mentioned that. I knew you'd all, I bet your stew's secretly licking his lips behind, yeah.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  What is scampi?

• 18:50Speaker 00

  It's such an underrated tea, isn't it?

• 18:53Speaker 02

  What's scampi?

• 18:54Speaker 00

  So scampi's basically fried prawns, basically, isn't it? Which I didn't realise until last night, I was like, "Oh, yeah, of course it is." So I, I just thought, scampi, chips and mushy peas. Oh, I hope someone's listening to that now and thinking, "I'm gonna have scampi", it's such an underrated tea. But just scampi and chips.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Did you, did you make it yourself or did you order it in?

• 19:14Speaker 00

  Made it myself.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  You made it yourself?

• 19:17Speaker 00

  I didn't make it from fresh, just got, I made the chips from fresh, in the hair fryer. They're more like wedges, but same thing.

• 19:23Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  But scampi from M&S.

• 19:25Speaker 02

  Surely a chip is, is smaller.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  And mushy peas.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  I'll come round and eat them with a fork, slumped over a chair.

• 19:30Speaker 00

  Are you a mayo or ketchup type of guy with?

• 19:33Speaker 02

  Can't, I don't like ketchup at all.

• 19:34Speaker 00

  With chips?

• 19:35Speaker 02

  With anything. Don't, don't ketchup.

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Let's, let's do a poll for our Jean, for our Jean Devers, please, Joe. Can we see, with chips, are you mayo or ketchup? Because it's, it gets the nation talking. Ben?

• 19:48Speaker 03

  I do, I do both.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, so do I.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  You do both.

• 19:51Speaker 00

  I do a bit of both, both. Ketchup, we'll do both as well as not.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  When you came over, Izzy, when you stayed, I presented Izzy ketchup in a glass bottle, and she had, she made me go and get the plastic one out of the fridge, because she couldn't, she couldn't navigate a glass bottle. She was there, she was like doing this.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  Because everywhere.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  I couldn't be natural, but it didn't, nothing, nothing came out.

• 20:12Speaker 00

  All right, next one, we'll put that poll up.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  Alex has entered the chat, it's not being on capital, asking for the sexted law. Hello, boys, after years of seeing you pop up on social media, I finally decided to give you a listen. I think it was the clip of Jordan explaining how he can tell which people on holiday are going away for a shag that convinced me. I've known about William for a while, as I remember him from Camille Coteen's film Conasse, Princess de Cur, but Jordan, I'm not as familiar with. As a new listener, I was wondering if you could catch me up. How did you two lovely gentlemen meet?

• 20:49Speaker 00

  Sorry, Alex, that's so rude, bless you, thank you for listening, I'm, I'm welcome along, we've just.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 20:54Speaker 00

  Told this story so many times now.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Do you know what I think we should actually do?

• 20:57Speaker 00

  Just make one up.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  In interviews, literally just make it up.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  Every time now.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  Every time, in fact, we're doing, gonna try this now. What have I missed so far? Any inside info I should know before I carry on listening? Loving the podcast so far, love, Alex. P.S. Jordan, you're fit. Oh, lovely to have some blind listener with us.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  Thank you, Alex. Um, we met at an orgy in Manchester.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  No, no, we're making it up.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  And, uh.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  And Jordan, he looked round and.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  He said, his first words to me were, "deeper."

• 21:45Speaker 02

  And then, a few months later, I was at Five Live.

• 21:50Speaker 02

  And I said, "I'll never forget a face."

• 21:54Speaker 03

  Never forget a bum.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  And Jordan made me tea in a dirty mug, and in between the travel and an item on queuing, we went to the loos and we recreated that orgy. And they've since knocked down the building.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  Long story cut short, I was on Work at the Fifties at Five Live. William was a guest, I made him a cup of tea in a chipmunk. We thought we'd never see each other again, we actually did it in 2012.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  We'd never see each other again.

• 22:19Speaker 00

  We did, our friend was having a 2012 Olympic party. We became good friends after that, in Manchester.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  You gave me strawberry flavoured lube.

• 22:28Speaker 00

  I did, I got you a secret Santa, I gave you strawberry flavoured lube. We then started hanging out around Manchester.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  Thank you for providing the cream.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Our friend, Chairman Emeritus Stuart, said you two should do a podcast together eight years ago, and here we are.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  Here we are, but we were friends for at least six or seven, six or seven years before, one for the kids, before.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  Was it six or seven?

• 22:48Speaker 02

  It was about six or seven years, yeah.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  We fell out a couple of times in between, but you know.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, we have.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  Alex did ask for any other inside info they should know before carrying this.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  There's this guy that interrupts, he goes, "Hi guys." He's got a really boring voice.

• 23:03Speaker 00

  That's Ben.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  Oh, not about me?

• 23:06Speaker 02

  Oh, you clearly wanted us to talk about that.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  No, I didn't. We've had dilemmas about someone sharing the mum's dildo that was under the bed. And then it turned out it was cloned to her dad's dick.

• 23:15Speaker 03

  That is inside info.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Cat swallowing condoms, all sorts.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  And when we say cat swallowing condoms, we refer to a feline, not Ben's now wife, who is also called Cat. She has never, I believe, swallowed a condom.

• 23:27Speaker 00

  There's a few impressions on the way, Mikey, William's mother, "Hello darling."

• 23:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, apparently my mother's a Russian alcoholic. She's not, she's not Russian anyway.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Mikey, "Oh yeah, you alright, nice, welcome along Alex," is a Brit layer from Wakefield.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  He's not, but in Jordan's special world, he is. We have Jump Cut Jack, who used to edit the podcast, and now, what do you do now? You just sort of sit there with a laptop, don't you? Yeah, we've got Gen Z Izzy, who sort of does social trends. We have Zofia, our technician.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, alright, right.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Watch, I'm just giving the whole cut, we have Social Joe.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Yes, it's a full team.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Chairman Emeritus Stuart.

• 24:05Speaker 00

  We're all friends, and we're very lucky and very blessed.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Yes, and we're very lucky that you are now listening.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  So thank you, welcome along. Yeah, let us know if you're still listening in six months.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Katie is entering the great, "How often should you wash your sheets?" debate, and she's got questions. She says, "I love the discussion around fresh sheets, and like William, I'd absolutely have clean sheets every other day if I won the lottery. But until that day comes, I'm curious, how often should you actually be changing beds when you've got three to do? Can I leave the kids' beds for two weeks or longer? It takes me forever to change them because they're bunk beds."

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Oh, bunk beds are a nightmare to change.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  "And so awkward to reach. I always prioritise my own bed, but when it comes to the kids' beds, I definitely have less energy." Katie, Katie, I don't know how old your kids are, but I would say if they are eight plus, get them to change their own beds, at least once, and all beds, whether it's your bed, if it's being slept in every night, once a week.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  My mum hated changing bunk beds.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  And did she get you to do it?

• 25:02Speaker 00

  We had bunk beds in every room.

• 25:04Speaker 02

  Hmm, but did she get you to do it?

• 25:06Speaker 00

  No, she used to do it for us.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Oh, what did our slave die of?

• 25:10Speaker 00

  That was her job, not like that. No, no, not like that, but that's what she used to.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  You sexist misogynistic.

• 25:17Speaker 00

  She was always in, we used to have jobs to do, but that was one of hers, that weren't one of ours.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  And what was yours?

• 25:23Speaker 00

  So it was.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  Rearranging your tiddies.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  Bag and coat, I had to be hung up as soon as I got in from school.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  That's not a job, that's just like, you know, you do that as force of habit.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  To be fair, we used to have jobs, we used to have little jobs to do.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  I'm asking you to name some.

• 25:36Speaker 00

  Um, I had to fluff the cushions up every night before I go to bed, which I still do now, can't go to bed without my cushions upset, he being fluffed.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  One, everyone, one, two, three.

• 25:47Speaker 00

  How is that a game, fluffing cushions?

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Ryan, you go, you know, mow the lawn. Dominic, you do the bins, Jordan, go fluff those cushions.

• 26:05Speaker 02

  Yes, mummy.

• 26:12Speaker 02

  I'll draw the curtains as well.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  I never thought of that. I used to love fluff, I mean, I still now, I can't go to bed unless cushions have been fluffed on settee. Can't have it, settee's got a bit, blanket, throw over them correctly. Right.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  God bless you. Finally, following our discussion about the campus modes of transport, Archibald.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Archibald?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Archibald.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Is that a real name?

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  Is that short for Archie?

• 26:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, it can be, yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  What's Archie short for?

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Archibald.

• 26:42Speaker 00

  Is it Archie?

• 26:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:43Speaker 00

  Archibald.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  It might be short for something else as well. "Has another travel-related opinion he'd like to get off his chest? Dear Messrs Hanson and North, I usually write into Mr Hanson's other podcast, but your discussion on campus modes of transport sent me into such a state of theatrical distress that I simply had to defect."

• 26:58Speaker 00

  What a great letter.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  "Gentlemen, I stand with you. I'm no hollery snob. I occasionally leave the peaceful sanctuary of my executive villa for a five-star all-inclusive, as one does when craving a little human interaction. However, I draw the line at the buffet. The moments those silver lids are lifted, civilisation packs its Louis Vuitton luggage and departs. There's always someone coughing over the shepherd's pie and other conducting a forensic investigation of the scrambled eggs and someone creating a plate so mountainous it requires its own postcode. It's not dinner, darling, it's an edible monument to poor decision-making. And the queue, perfectly respectable adults transform into wild animals at the mere rumour of fresh bacon. Doris from Doncaster is elbowing her way through the crowd like the fate of the nation depends on her final hash brown. So thank you, gentlemen, for proving I'm not alone. I shall continue to occasionally mingle amongst the masses, but should I witness one more

• 27:44Speaker 02

  person breathing directly onto the profiteroles, I'll be back in my villa faster than you can say 'adults only'. Yours in theatrical despair with impeccable etiquette, Archibald Beaufort Hextley."

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Great letter, I mean, one that I disagree with, but a beautifully, beautifully worded letter.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  There's a bucket head of it, if you saw one.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a bucket head for sure.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  Well, I quite agree, buffets generally I don't love. The only sort of type of buffets I like is when.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  You used to love a buffet.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  I don't, I like a buffet if you're the first there and no one's breathed over everything, or if you ask.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  You were up and down like a bride and knight a few years ago at a buffet.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Where?

• 28:21Speaker 00

  Buffets are when we used to.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  When we used to wear? Where have we gone to a buffet?

• 28:25Speaker 00

  Breakfast buffets at hotels and stuff.

• 28:28Speaker 02

  Don't generally love them.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  You love a buffet.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  I prefer à la carte.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  You used to love buffet at Preston, ugh.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  But I like.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Chinese or you can eat buffet.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  The only way to do a buffet smartly, I think, in hotels, is you have someone standing behind the buffet, a waiter, and you sort of point at it and they are serving you, that's nicer.

• 28:45Speaker 00

  I reckon for a good five years in my life, from uni up until maybe a couple of years after, alls I did was go to buffets. Do you remember Tay Barns? Does anyone else remember Tay Barns? There's one in Wigan called Tay Barns, right? I used to drive there at least twice a week, and it was world buffet. We'd get a burger and a wrap.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, there was one on the corner of Dean's Gate in Manchester.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Incredible.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Yes, what was that one called? I used to go there all the time. Was it Budders or something?

• 29:13Speaker 03

  It wasn't Budders.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Ocean or something.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, world buffet.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  In Manchester, it might have just been called world buffet.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  I think it was called world buffet.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  Towards the arena end, yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, I used to love it.

• 29:22Speaker 03

  You get them all over, but.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  In the, like, early 2010s, they were quite a big thing, buffets, weren't they?

• 29:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Cosmo.

• 29:33Speaker 03

  Yes, that was it.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  Cosmo World Kitchen, yeah, I remember it. I've never went, but I remember walking past it.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  Butlows, I bet you did.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Absolutely, probably.

• 29:39Speaker 03

  I actually took Cat to that, my wife, Cat to the Cosmo, and she'd never been to a world buffet before. Changed her life.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  There's one in Watford.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  Altered her brain chemistry.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  Look at now, there's one in Watford, and there's this Channel 5 documentary on it, it's class.

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Really?

• 29:56Speaker 02

  That's a Channel 5 documentary about anything.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  I'll send you a link.

• 29:59Speaker 03

  Isn't there one about you?

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Not yet, there'll be one about this soon.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  We were talking head on it.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  Probably.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, probably.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  The best Channel 5 documentaries are that they did a series years ago on hotels, but they didn't have access to film in any of the hotels, so I had to sit there and talk about various hotels that would be nameless, and they were like, "Yeah, we're just showing pictures." I'm like, "And that's the documentary, someone's commissioned that."

• 30:21Speaker 00

  All right, let's finish with our comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socia's.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  So, the honourable mentions. Firstly, Louise said, "Fun fact about the video piracy advert, that it used to be on videos or DVDs, the music was illegally used, apparently."

• 30:35Speaker 00

  I think that was one of those rumours.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  I think that was one of those rumours.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  I mean, funny if so.

• 30:40Speaker 03

  Who lets the truth get out, get in the way of the good story?

• 30:43Speaker 00

  True, not this podcast.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  Not this podcast.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  Steph said, "Baby oil is great for removing tough eyeliner, it works every time. I'm sure Jordan has some kicking around you can borrow, William." I have to say, I have been, I've never, the very few things have got my DMs popping as much as how to get off my eye makeup. I've had so many people send me links to things, so thank you for everyone that sent them. And I'm also not wearing eye makeup anymore, so I sort of don't need it, but you never know. But our comment of the week goes to Sophie, who said, "Thought Jordan was overreacting about turning 40, but he's already becoming a grumpy old man calling woke Uno."

• 31:17Speaker 00

  Excuse me, no, do you know, can I just, Sophie, we're all friends here, thank you for taking time to get in touch and to comment, and thank you for listening, but can I just say, the amount of people that have DM'd me about Uno is up there with the bisexuals, right? Who was it last week that were DMing me?

• 31:35Speaker 03

  You tell me.

• 31:36Speaker 00

  But can I just say, so many people have DM'd me and messaged me about Uno, saying Uno's, just stick to the old one, apparently there's Uno Rapid or something it's called, isn't it? What is it?

• 31:46Speaker 03

  There's all sorts of Uno.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  Well, Uno generally is pretty rapid.

• 31:49Speaker 00

  No, there's an Uno Fire or something, there's another Uno, Google it, Ben. But can I just say, lots of people have said, "Yes, Jordan, power to the people, if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

• 31:59Speaker 03

  "Liars, Uno, Uno no mercy."

• 32:01Speaker 00

  Uno no mercy, that's the one.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  Are we playing Uno at the barbecue on Saturday?

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm gonna have a game of Mexican Tres.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  We're gonna have Uno burger, Uno sausage, Uno corn on the cob.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 20, very, very good, and 24 hours before, anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs, or send us an email to [email protected]. We also love hearing back from people we have to advise to, so if that's you, get back in touch. It's just dawned on me why my mum made me do the cushions. Never thought of that. See you on Tuesday.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  Hi everyone, it's Katie Couric, and on my podcast, Next Question, we love stories about how women are taking control of their lives. They are increasingly leading financial decisions in their households, yet many say they don't feel fully prepared for the long-term financial choices ahead. Real confidence comes from knowing your financial future is protected, whatever happens. Pacific Life has helped generations protect what matters today and prepare for tomorrow with life insurance and lifetime income solutions. It's a promise Pacific Life has kept for nearly 160 years, so its customers can keep theirs.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  Ask a financial professional about how Pacific Life can help you create a more confident financial future. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.