Campest Modes Of Transport | And Jordan’s Magic Carpet

William and Jordan are being taken for a ride this week as they decide the campest modes of transport. There's also more keeping white clothes white chat and William remembers the time his penthouse almost went up in flames. If you want to get involved you can email us mailto: [email protected]. You can follow us and DM on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sextedmyboss/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sextedmyboss, and watch the latest episode every Tuesday and Friday on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/SextedMyBoss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  William and Jordan will be with you in just a moment, but first, here's one for your queue. Vicky Patterson has taken on a huge charity challenge, getting from Newcastle to London by kayak, bike and on foot. Now she's on her podcast Get a Grip with a proper, honest, blisters and all debrief. If you need a nudge to step outside your comfort zone, then this is the one for you. Once this episode's done, search Get a Grip and get it playing.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 1:01Speaker 02

  Can I do a big burp before I start?

• 1:02Speaker 03

  Can you leave the room?

• 1:06Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 1:07Speaker 03

  Nah, I won't do it.

• 1:08Speaker 02

  Then don't. You don't need to just swallow it.

• 1:13Speaker 02

  Don't need to be told twice.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Hello and welcome to our Friday episode, where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in and what's been going on with you, our wonderful G and D'Vas, and how our advice went down with you. Our wonderful G and D'Vas.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  Nearly. How are you? You all right?

• 1:37Speaker 03

  I'm good, yeah. I'm good.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Nice. That's a funny colour top. What colour would you say that top is?

• 1:43Speaker 03

  Salmon?

• 1:45Speaker 02

  That's not salmon. That's salmon that's off.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  That's salmon. Scottish sea salmon.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  You are colourblind and that is not salmon.

• 1:51Speaker 03

  Pink?

• 1:52Speaker 02

  Puce.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  I beg your pardon?

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Puce. Can someone Google puce the colour and just see if it matches?

• 1:58Speaker 03

  Puce. Sounds like one of your schoolmates, that. Oh, puce, come along. Mammy's dropped off some oranges and we're going to help.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  No, it is too dark. It's like a pale puce.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  It's just, it's salmon.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  It's not salmon. Who thinks that's salmon?

• 2:14Speaker 04

  That's still a north.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  What about now?

• 2:17Speaker 02

  Jordan's doing a, well, a salmon impression.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  Oh, tell its heart again. There's been agit, eh? Come in and drink a full fat Coke if I'm...

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Because you've started burping, everyone.

• 2:31Speaker 03

  I ain't burp. A belch happened to slip out.

• 2:35Speaker 04

  I would say, I would describe what happened as several belches.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  You had a right sense of humour, Elliot.

• 2:40Speaker 04

  I think a burp is like within itself. A belch is like outward and you just, it's outwardly belching into the room. Disgusting.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  Could we also, I don't know if you were here or not, but I took a photo of the conversation happening. Producer Ben talking to Zofia, our technician, at the start of this recording, saying, "Zofia, I prefer it when I have the larger tripod for my microphone."

• 3:07Speaker 02

  Like, can we just talk about that?

• 3:09Speaker 04

  I thought that had gone under the radar.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  What a diva.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  There's only one...

• 3:13Speaker 02

  What a diva.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  Is that what he's asking? I prefer the larger tripod. Oh yeah, look. You know, there's only one large tripod in this podcast and it's that man.

• 3:22Speaker 04

  He's pointing at William.

• 3:24Speaker 03

  Did they call you a tripod at school? Is that true? That's what your mum told me.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  I hope she didn't.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  The darlings. He's very well endowed. They called him the...

• 3:34Speaker 02

  That is so weird that you think that that is what mothers and sons talk about. It might be in your family.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  Well, no, my mum wouldn't talk about that.

• 3:42Speaker 02

  No, I know she wouldn't.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  Why is everyone having a bloody go at me today? Mammy's trying to be funny. Christ!

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Well, try a bit harder.

• 3:50Speaker 03

  I was, ah, Jesus. Right, well, I'll just be boring old Jordan today and see how many people listen to this episode. Fine.

• 3:59Speaker 02

  We have record listening figures.

• 4:00Speaker 03

  Plain old dull boring me.

• 4:06Speaker 03

  Are we ready?

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Jordan, you mentioned it. You're thinking about getting a Vespa.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 4:10Speaker 02

  We asked our G and D'Vas what the campus mode of transport is because I think a Vespa is pretty camp.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  It's not camp.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  It is.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  Jamie Oliver.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  You will make it camp.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  No, I'll be like, I'll get, oh no, I'll do, check my mirrors.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 4:23Speaker 03

  Do my lipstick. Pluck a nose hair.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  Oh, that's not camp. That's disgusting. Lots of people said, "Those gaudy tuk tukks you get in touristy places with lights and flowers and feathers. The sooner they get banned in London, the better."

• 4:36Speaker 03

  And also they're a bit of a rip-off then. Do you remember when we...

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Oh, of course they are.

• 4:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  I, I don't know if I've ever told this story, but I was on tuk tuk. I've only been on a tuk tuk once, which we call it for short, a tuk. And I, in 2012, and I was looking after a child, a Middle Eastern member of the royal family child. And we'd just been to the theatre and they were outside and he wanted to take one back to our hotel. So it was his mother, me and him, him in the middle. And we were going through this tuk tuk. I mean, I was wanting to die because it was awful and cringe, but he was enjoying it. But it was also London Pride that weekend. And as the route from the theatre, which I think was Drury Lane, through to the hotel was via Soho.

• 5:20Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. So this seven-year-old, we're going through Soho on a tuk tuk, which is slow compared to a car.

• 5:29Speaker 03

  During Pride.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  During Pride. And there are all sorts on the streets, including men with inflatable penis balloons as I'm having to go, "Look at the night sky" and draw attention to anything that was not at eye level. And that is my story of a tuk tuk.

• 5:44Speaker 03

  What music were they playing?

• 5:45Speaker 02

  I actually don't think they were playing music because we could speak, whereas now they are so loud.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  You know, I love my Tina. One were playing the best and I was pissed and going, I went, "Go on, I'll jump on it until the best finishes." And I call you, I need you. Cost me about 20 quid, but it was worth it.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  And he went for about a metre, probably.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  We didn't actually speak about the fact that the team went to see William at Titanic.

• 6:10Speaker 02

  No, well, I'm basically out of the show now.

• 6:12Speaker 04

  Ah, well, there we go. We had a lovely time, but beforehand, we were walking through Soho looking for a place to have a drink.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  You ended up in a bear pub, I'm reliably informed.

• 6:21Speaker 04

  I had no idea what that is. Still don't.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  Oh, I know the...

• 6:27Speaker 03

  I do know the one on Old Compton Street.

• 6:30Speaker 04

  There were flags outside it with paw prints on it. And we're like, why?

• 6:35Speaker 04

  What is this?

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Ben thought it was the Beanie Baby Club.

• 6:37Speaker 03

  I knew that one when there was a New York cop outside. Big fella. We had cropped up and I thought, what's NYPD? And I thought, oh, right, yeah.

• 6:47Speaker 04

  What is a bear pub?

• 6:49Speaker 03

  Is that the Admiral? No. Was it the Admiral?

• 6:51Speaker 02

  The Duke of Wellington, I think.

• 6:52Speaker 03

  Duke of Wellington.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:54Speaker 04

  What is the, how does a bear pub differ to a bear cub?

• 6:58Speaker 02

  What? A bear pub is just a pub frequented by bears, which is an older, hairier gay male.

• 7:04Speaker 03

  What's a cub pub?

• 7:06Speaker 02

  A younger, hairier gay male.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  What's an otter pub?

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Otters, cubs, kind of same thing, I think.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Oh, is it?

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. Anyway, Ben's been back every night.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Oh, they'd eat you alive, lads.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. That's where he goes.

• 7:21Speaker 03

  Thought you had a limp. Okay, you in there?

• 7:25Speaker 02

  I loved him. Ben's slightly shocked face.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  All right, let's do some other camp modes of transport. What else have we got?

• 7:33Speaker 02

  Maisy said the Elizabeth Line. I wouldn't call it camp. I'd call it executive. Although Tottenham Court Road, we've got Ian, the lovely camp tube announcer. So he makes it a bit camp, I guess.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  And will Ian be minding you calling him camp?

• 7:45Speaker 02

  No, I think Ian will love it.

• 7:46Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Stephen Carr, Jeremy and others said a sedan chair, which is what I would...

• 7:50Speaker 03

  What the hell is a sedan chair?

• 7:51Speaker 02

  You know, it's where you have sort of four strapping men on each side of you and it's...

• 7:56Speaker 03

  Is that what they're called?

• 7:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  And you get carriage.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  That's when you know you've made it, when you're one of them.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  Ben has one of those at the bear pub.

• 8:06Speaker 03

  I bet he does.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Kai said an ostrich. Yeah, I don't know if you can actually sit on an ostrich. You might get just projected off. We don't recommend it, but if you've ever sat on an ostrich, that is no. Tasha said a pedal boat.

• 8:19Speaker 03

  Very camp.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  Pedalo is very camp, yeah. Hugh said walking fast because slow walking is for the heterosexuals. He was gay. Yes, normally when I look and go, I put directions from X to Y and it says 15 minutes. I do that in seven because I'm gay, so I walk faster.

• 8:34Speaker 04

  I walk fast.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Q E G. Daryl said a...

• 8:46Speaker 02

  Minces to the Duke of Wellington, isn't he? Hello, boys.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  I'll have a pint of a beer, please.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  Uh, Daryl said a Fiat 500.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  There you can.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  I'll have a bear a Moretti.

• 9:02Speaker 02

  I need to ruin it.

• 9:03Speaker 03

  Shove that button off his arse, like that bear did last night.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Beth said a gondola. Oh, gondolas are so camp. I love a gondola.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Have you been to Venice?

• 9:14Speaker 03

  I've never been to Italy.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  We should go. You're missing it. It's so much better than Spain. I've said this before. Gondolas are fun.

• 9:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, but they don't have tapas in Italy.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  No, they have chiquetti. It's the same thing.

• 9:24Speaker 03

  Oh, do they?

• 9:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, but the wine, is it known for the wine in Italy?

• 9:28Speaker 02

  Spain is not known for wine.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  Rioja?

• 9:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, great. Italy.

• 9:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's.

• 9:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 04

  Do you think ITV would commission William and Jordan's Italian adventure?

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Only if they want one series.

• 9:44Speaker 04

  The Italian Job.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  Finn said a cable car.

• 9:48Speaker 03

  They're not camp.

• 9:48Speaker 02

  I don't know if cable cars are camp.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  I disagree there, Finn.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  They swing a bit, I guess. So that, that may be, you know, slightly camp. But Craig said, you, Jordan North.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  What? How am I?

• 10:00Speaker 02

  Well, you're just camp.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  I'm not camp.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  You are.

• 10:02Speaker 03

  I'm not camp. And I'm not a mode of transport. Unless they give you a piggyback.

• 10:06Speaker 02

  You've made me arrive a few times.

• 10:10Speaker 03

  I hope I haven't. I really hope I haven't.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  Um, Jordan, if you could pick your personal transport service to take you everywhere, what would you choose?

• 10:20Speaker 03

  Other than a Vespa?

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 10:24Speaker 03

  A magic carpet.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  How? Oh, do you know what?

• 10:27Speaker 03

  Like Aladdin, a rug.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Jordan's magic carpet.

• 10:30Speaker 03

  Like Aladdin, just jumping on a rug and flying around. That'd be great.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  What are you doing, George?

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 10:37Speaker 03

  What are you doing? Do you want a lift? Jump on. Ooh. Ooh, pretty boy.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  We should recreate Whole New World and we can be Aladdin and Jasmine.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  Didn't, again, didn't we film that?

• 10:48Speaker 02

  No, we didn't film it, but we should.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  I'm sure we did.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  No, because Aladdin can be quite problematic.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  Can it?

• 10:53Speaker 02

  When they do it for Panto's. Have you noticed that Panto's have stopped doing Aladdin generally? Or if they have, they've found a new way to do it.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Because it's often set in China. Or, I mean, the Disney film isn't, but again, it's Middle East.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  I thought it was the Middle East.

• 11:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it can be problematic.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  So generally, Panto's have stopped doing it.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  Can you not sing Arabian Nights now? Because that is a banger. Arabian Nights.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  Alan Menken. Um, I would say if I had to choose my own personal public transport, and I think this is probably the campus mode of transport there is around, and there's only one of them, or actually, there might be two, but you only see one at a time, the Pope Mobile. Now, that is camp. The Pope Mobile is the height of camp.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  What about?

• 11:40Speaker 02

  We're still waiting to hear back from His Holiness.

• 11:42Speaker 03

  Me and you in one of those little motorbikes, the sidecar things like Wallace and Gromit.

• 11:47Speaker 02

  Or like the Two Fat Ladies.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:49Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, that'd be quite campers too.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  That, yeah, with a, um, oh, what's it called? Not the sidecar. Uh, Pillion. No, is riding, I never know, is riding Pillion the thing next to you or where you're behind someone? Which of us would be in the sidecar?

• 12:02Speaker 03

  Riding Pillion?

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  I'm sure I had that on DVD years ago.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  I think it can be both.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  Which of us would be in the sidecar and which of us would be? It's normally the butcher one that's on the, from.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  I'd be on the.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  I'd be on.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  Be on the motorbike.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 12:18Speaker 03

  You'd be in the Pillion.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Oh, for your Vespa, you could get a little sidecar.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  For you?

• 12:23Speaker 02

  For me.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  That would be cute.

• 12:25Speaker 03

  I am not camp.

• 12:27Speaker 02

  Right. William Hanson's poll, please.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  No.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Is Jordan North camp?

• 12:31Speaker 03

  We're not doing this.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Yes, no, or yes?

• 12:38Speaker 02

  Okay, we'll put that out.

• 12:39Speaker 03

  I unblocked a drain the other day. With my bare hands.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  So camp people can do that too.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  You went in? How did you go in?

• 12:50Speaker 04

  What about the, um, in the Steve Coogan film, what is he called? Partridge. And they've got the, the sort of mobile studio on a bus.

• 13:03Speaker 04

  You could do that, record the podcast on the road.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  That's a good idea.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  I'll tell you what isn't camp and what is quite common in terms of public transport. In no particular order, this isn't like a top three. There are just three things that are not, not very camp. I think Harley-Davidson.

• 13:16Speaker 03

  Camp?

• 13:17Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, the opposite.

• 13:19Speaker 03

  And they.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  I think, um, a coach. Coaches are quite common. I said it. And Teslas.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Teslas?

• 13:29Speaker 02

  Teslas are common.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, just my, just my opinion. What do you think?

• 13:36Speaker 03

  I think you're personally attacking me there because.

• 13:38Speaker 02

  I'm not personally, no, no, oh, I forget you've got one, but the, I, I do think Teslas are common. Teslas also always make me feel sick. If I get an Uber that is a Tesla, I cancel.

• 13:47Speaker 03

  Really?

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Because they make me feel sick.

• 13:49Speaker 03

  There's no, right. By the way, I've had it about five years now. So I got it before he started being a knob on Twitter.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  X.

• 13:57Speaker 03

  Whatever it's called.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 13:59Speaker 03

  But they, they, they're great.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  No, I don't think so. But I'd rather, I'd rather be in Tesla than a coach. A coach would make me feel absolutely gileous. What do you think is common? In terms of transport?

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Mode of transport?

• 14:15Speaker 03

  Don't know, really. Not really judge people like you. I'd never see someone I think common.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  How about posh modes of transport? Or as we would say, upmarket?

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Uh, a penny farthing.

• 14:29Speaker 03

  That's posh. There's a bloke round me who gets on it.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Is he Jeremy Vine?

• 14:33Speaker 03

  He gets on his penny farthing, honestly.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  Penny farthing?

• 14:37Speaker 03

  He gets on it. He's like, all right, George, you want out from the shop? I'm all right, thanks. Be careful on that. I'm trying to think common.

• 14:47Speaker 03

  I think it's quite common when you see people cycling with their tops off.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:52Speaker 03

  And they've usually, they've usually got like shit tattoos, I think I'll say it.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  Lycra, I find very common.

• 15:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Very, very common.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  I don't, I don't know, really. What's, what's a common mode of transport? Do you still get tricycles?

• 15:09Speaker 02

  Not really.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  I'd love a little tricycle.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  You and I could be on a tandem. That could be quite camp.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  That'd be cute. Me, you.

• 15:17Speaker 02

  Who's at the front?

• 15:18Speaker 03

  Me. You're at the back.

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  No, I'm at the, I'm gone.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Well, we could switch it up. Depends on the journey.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  When it comes to tandems, I'm pretty fierce.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  Are you?

• 15:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  No, I would definitely be at the back.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  Because I'm taller, so I wouldn't, if, if I went in front of you, you wouldn't be able to see.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  I've never been on one of them before. I just wanted to go on one of them.

• 15:41Speaker 02

  I think we should arrange that.

• 15:43Speaker 03

  Oh, I'll tell you what's pretty camp.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Those, uh, carts that the Chuckle Brothers used to have, the cycling.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  The carts?

• 15:51Speaker 03

  It's like a golf buggy.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 15:54Speaker 03

  They used to have them at Butlins in the 90s. They were class.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  I remember them well.

• 15:57Speaker 03

  Anyway.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  We've got more of your emails, messages and letters after the break.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  All right, Gene Devers, thanks for sticking with us. William, what have we got, please?

• 16:38Speaker 02

  This is from Anonymous, who's entered the Great Whites debate with a game-changing recommendation.

• 16:42Speaker 03

  That bleach is.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  Ace for Whites.

• 16:44Speaker 03

  Oh, it's so good. Thank you for bringing that into my life.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  It's a pleasure.

• 16:48Speaker 03

  Honestly, my towels and everything, my England top the other week, you know, got beat, was sparkling.

• 16:54Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I'd got Guinness down it the day, week before.

• 16:57Speaker 02

  Oh, shush, it was fake tan. We all know it.

• 17:02Speaker 03

  It annoys me how much he knows me.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Um, hi, William Jordan, the Sex and Tea. Recently, I've been binging old episodes and listening to the Ace for Whites versus Oxy Crystals chat. I've always been team Ace for Whites. However, there's one big part of making whites white that William is missing out on. Well, or so you think, because I'm going to shock you. I'm surprised Jordan hadn't mentioned it, as it was actually a tip from Melissa's wardrobe, who we all know knows her stuff when it comes to laundry. She recommended Mrs Stewart's bluing liquid, and if you haven't tried it, I urge you to get some ASAP. Whilst Ace for Whites uses bleach to remove stains, Mrs Stewart's uses colour theory to neutralise yellow marks from deodorant, sweat and even fake tan that bleach can't get out.

• 17:40Speaker 03

  Oh!

• 17:40Speaker 02

  By counteracting the yellow tones. Honestly, it's amazing and a little goes a long way. Love from Anonymous. Anonymous because I have quite a unique name and my friends would absolutely recognise both my name and my passion for laundry. If they found out I'd chosen to write in about laundry of all things, I'd never hear the end of it. Love you all. Um, I have some. One of my, uh, listeners to the other podcast, The Bucketheads, gave me some and I use it all the time.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  Is it American?

• 18:03Speaker 02

  It, I do believe it is. I don't know if you can get it over here, but it is very good.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  You should do your little blog, William's Closet, something like that.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  Nothing in it.

• 18:13Speaker 03

  Next dilemma.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  But it's very good. In fact, you bring your whites over and I, because I, because trouble, trouble, I would bring you, I'd bring you mine to borrow, but it, it, if it, if it seeps out, it's going to be a nightmare.

• 18:27Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 18:27Speaker 02

  Well, because it, it's like you've killed a smurf, basically, because there, it's this blue blood and it, it, it goes everywhere. You, I have to like really carefully, you dilute it with some water and then you put it in your laundry softener.

• 18:39Speaker 03

  Hang on, how do you know? Have you ever killed a smurf?

• 18:41Speaker 02

  Three. Papa smurf, dead. Daisy smurf, dead. Or me. No, I've never killed a smurf. They're all still alive.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  Friend of mine had sex with one at uni. You know, fancy dress.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 18:55Speaker 03

  Hmm. Said there was blue everywhere, all over his sheets, all over him in the morning. Because it, yeah.

• 19:01Speaker 02

  I used to love this.

• 19:02Speaker 04

  I was waiting for a punchline.

• 19:03Speaker 03

  No.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Um, Jamie has a dining query that's got them completely losing their appetite. Dear William, Jordan, E P B and the Sexton team, I require William's etiquette expertise to settle a debate that's been bothering me for years. When I'm out for a meal, there's one thing that absolutely enrages me. You're happily enjoying your food and then someone at the table decides it's the perfect moment to blow their nose. I find it so unbelievably disgusting that it sends shivers down my spine and almost makes me lose my appetite on the spot.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  Who would do that?

• 19:29Speaker 02

  It's the sort of thing that can turn a lovely meal into a scene from a horror film. So what's the correct way to get here? If you need to blow your nose while eating, should you excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or at least step outside? Personally, I think that's the only acceptable option. Blowing your nose right next to people while they're eating feels like a direct attack on someone's enjoyment of a meal. I'd really appreciate your guidance so I can finally settle this once and for all, or at the very least have William's etiquette ruling to quote next time it happens and restore order to the dining table. Thank you for brightening my Tuesdays and Fridays. You always bring a smile to my face and have me crying with laughter every episode. Yours sincerely, Jamie.

• 20:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, don't blow your nose at the table. It's all right to do a little wipe, maybe, if you're running, but I wouldn't blow your nose at the table.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  Coughing fits, sneezing fits, blowing nose fits, leave the table. Please excuse me. Ideally, once there's no food on the table, or at least after everyone's finished, don't go during the meal. But equally, if you are having that coughing fit, a choking fit, a sneezing fit, most people would much rather you did it elsewhere.

• 20:25Speaker 03

  Or if you're in the line at a buffet.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  Oh, God, no. Definitely don't even go close to the buffet.

• 20:30Speaker 03

  People think they could go like this, there'll be food down, they'll go.

• 20:33Speaker 02

  And yeah, turn away. Oh, no.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  Piss off, go over there and spread your germs.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  You see, I, this is why I generally don't love buffets.

• 20:41Speaker 03

  I love a buffet.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  I like the idea of a buffet. I don't necessarily like it in practice.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  I've just come back off an all-inclusive holiday and I bloody love it. I love them. I love, they're all you care to enjoy now.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 20:53Speaker 03

  All you can eat.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  That's what they say at Disney.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Hmm. All you care to enjoy. Uh, thank you. You might change your name, but I will be getting my money's worth here, pet.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Um, anonymous accidentally became the keeper of a newlywed's biggest secret. Dearest William Jordan and the rest of the Sexton crew, I've just caught up on the podcast after starting from episode one last year. I was listening to Help, Can I Dry Hump a Virgin? And wanted to share a story that might make the listener attending a wedding solo feel a little better. Sometimes it's better not to know anyone. A few years ago, I went to a uni friend's wedding on my own. I was nervous, but knew a few people from the hen do, so I thought I'd be fine. Not long after arriving, I spotted the only other person there from uni, a guy I'd had a very sloppy and disappointing one-night-stand with years earlier. We hadn't spoken since. To my surprise, he came straight over to introduce me to his lovely wife. They told me they were devout Christians who had both saved

• 21:45Speaker 02

  themselves for marriage. Later in the evening, after a few drinks, his wife happily told me how relieved she was that they'd both been virgins before their wedding night and that he was naturally good in bed. I, of course, knew this wasn't entirely true, but kept my mouth firmly shut.

• 21:59Speaker 03

  Good. Correct.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  You did then. Judging by our one-night-stand, he certainly wouldn't have had to pretend much to convince her he'd never done it before. Hopefully, he'd learned a few new moves since uni. I spent the rest of the evening politely avoiding the happy couple before catching my train back to Glasgow the next day. At least he managed to find one thing beginning with C, Christ, blood. Hopefully, your solo wedding goes a little more smoothly than mine. Lots of love, anonymous. Yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 03

  Yeah. Great letter, but don't, don't judge someone sexually on a one-night-stand at uni.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  No, I think, I think they are more judging the fact that they've got married.

• 22:38Speaker 03

  I'd never get out of bed in the morning.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  I think they're more judging that they got married, thinking, or the wife thinking that the, I see the husband was a virgin and he's clearly been putting back, because it won't just be with you.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  But you did the right thing not to say out.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  You did.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  Because most people have to drink, they'll be like.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  What are you drawing around your hand?

• 23:00Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Funny little boy.

• 23:02Speaker 03

  Drawing my hand.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  Um, anonymous has a story that proves there really is a.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  Sorry, did you say funny little boy?

• 23:07Speaker 02

  You are a little funny little boy. Um, anonymous has a story that proves there really is a time and a place to take your shoes off. After listening to your most recent episode where you discussed whether it was acceptable to remove your shoes in certain situations, it reminded me of something that happened at work. I'm an audiologist working privately in an opticians and I had an elderly man come in for a hearing test. As soon as he came into my clinic room, without any warning, he removed his trainers and socks. I then spent an hour and a half trapped in a hot room in the middle of a heatwave with a pair of old sweaty man toes staring at me. I suppose my question is, how do you politely ask someone not to be barefoot in my clinic room? Love listening to you guys, anonymous for job purposes. I think it's very easy. You go, could you please put your shoes back on?

• 23:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, sorry. It is, it's a polite way of killing it.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  I'm not, I'm not a podiatrist. Pop your shoes back on.

• 23:52Speaker 03

  Are you all right? Just pop your shoes and socks back on. I'm just checking your ears.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Not are you all right? I don't be too nice. Please put your shoes back on.

• 23:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, why would you take your socks and shoes off to check your ears?

• 24:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think that's very odd. Talking of camp, difference between a coropodist and a podiatrist. I don't know, I think, but coropodist sounds a bit campier than a podiatrist.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  They're both two feet.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Maybe one specializes in toes.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  Maybe. He's as interested now.

• 24:18Speaker 03

  Could imagine Ben being a coropodist if you weren't a radio, a, an old, a podcast producer.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  I will look into the difference between a podiatrist and a coropodist. I'm sure there is one. I don't know what it is.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Well, you could Google it quickly.

• 24:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come back next week for, for more.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Tune in.

• 24:33Speaker 04

  Goodness me.

• 24:34Speaker 02

  Who was it? Who was the radio presenter? I said a few weeks ago, it's going to be a coropodist or a podiatrist. One of them. Was it Adrian Charles?

• 24:43Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:45Speaker 04

  Ask him.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  I will ask him. I'll send him a DM. Um, we'll finish with our comment of the week and this can be a comment from, oh, this is you, but whatever. No, tell you what, why don't you do the comments of the week?

• 24:56Speaker 03

  All right.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Okay, we'll finish.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  With our comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials.

• 25:04Speaker 03

  Before we go to our favourite one, here are some honourable mentions. Keith mentioned on Instagram, Keith, this way, I don't mean them. Keith mentioned on our Instagram carousel, featuring Jordan at Titanic, to say, I was sitting right behind Jordan, did not smell any Scotch eggs. Jordan said he had a Scotch egg just before the show. Yeah, and I was, again, I was doing a few horrible burps there. Sorry.

• 25:26Speaker 02

  Maybe you've got a problem.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. Lord George commented on YouTube to say, take William's gay card away for only knowing one Adele song. Though Tiddy Bits counted that, saying, not all.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  Tidy Bits.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  What?

• 25:38Speaker 02

  Tidy Bits.

• 25:38Speaker 03

  Tiddy Bits, huh?

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Tidy Bits.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  Just Tiddy Bits, isn't it?

• 25:40Speaker 02

  No, it's one D.

• 25:41Speaker 03

  I've got my readers on.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Don't put an extra D where it's not needed.

• 25:44Speaker 03

  Although, Tidy Bits counted that and said, not all gay folk are fans.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Quite right.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  And I.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Set fire to the rain.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  To the rain.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  That's quite a good one.

• 25:54Speaker 03

  To the rain. Our comment of the week, though, uh, comes from Kate, who commented on Spotify and said, I just realised I've been listening to this podcast for a full year on 1.8 X. I'm horrified. Will that make us sound sped up?

• 26:08Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. That'd give you headache.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Can you ever, can you remember when I had the fire? Talking of Adele, can you remember when I had the fire in Manchester?

• 26:17Speaker 03

  I mean, a bit dramatic. Your chip pan had a flame on it.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  My chip pan did not, I, right, for a start, I didn't have a chip pan.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  It was, can I just counter out this for everyone in the room and everyone listening right now? William's going to tell the story. It was a little fire.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  Uh, excuse me.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  Oh, shit. No, it was, it was your cupboard, wasn't it?

• 26:37Speaker 02

  It was an electrical fire.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  It was electrical fire. Sorry.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  I had five firemen in my room.

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Yes. What about the fire?

• 26:44Speaker 02

  Luck, luckily, they were there at the time.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  And hello, the song Hello by Adele, my friend, um, was, was on. And so Mikey filmed this video. Can you not remember this? This is in the cupboard.

• 27:08Speaker 02

  It's me lip syncing. He opens the cupboard door and because the wall had been bashed in, we'll pop that up.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, we'll pop that out.

• 27:13Speaker 02

  That's good, good, good lols.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  Is that in Manchester?

• 27:16Speaker 02

  That was in Manchester.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  What year was that?

• 27:17Speaker 02

  2015.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  Is that when Hello came out?

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Yep. So I do, so Hello, Skyfall, Set Fire to the Rain, Gay Card Act.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Never mind, it's great. I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

• 27:37Speaker 04

  It's quite, it's quite close to the tune.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  The lyrics are there, just about.

• 27:43Speaker 03

  I'd love to. I've never seen a live. I'd love to.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  Right, my go. Remember, you can listen to.

• 27:47Speaker 03

  No, I do them bits. No, because people don't like going out of routine. You know what it's like when we change the studio. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, you can drop into our DMs or send us an email to [email protected]. We also love hearing back from the people we have for advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch and we'll see you on Tuesday.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  Bye-bye.

• 28:19Speaker 05

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• 28:50Speaker 06

  Hello, I'm Chris Richards, general manager at Safford Volkswagen Richmond. I'm here to announce an exciting new programme that I want you to listen to. Here's my friend, Happy.

• 28:59Speaker 07

  Hi, I'm Happy Harry Turner, special finance manager at SaffordCredit.com. If you're in an open Chapter 13 bankruptcy, recently filed a Chapter 7, or you've been turned down because of credit challenges, don't give up. For nearly 30 years, I've helped people get reliable transportation when others said no. Visit SaffordCredit.com. Remember, I'm not happy unless you are.

• 29:20Speaker 06

  Hello, I'm Chris Richards, general manager at Safford Volkswagen Richmond. I'm here to announce an exciting new programme that I want you to listen to. Here's my friend, Happy.

• 29:29Speaker 07

  Hi, I'm Happy Harry Turner, special finance manager at SaffordCredit.com. If you're in an open Chapter 13 bankruptcy, recently filed a Chapter 7, or you've been turned down because of credit challenges, don't give up. For nearly 30 years, I've helped people get reliable transportation when others said no. Visit SaffordCredit.com. Remember, I'm not happy unless you are.