Anna Maxwell Martin - Ant & Dec’s Leading Lady!

On this week’s bonus episode, Motherland star and all round comedy genius Anna Maxwell Martin is here! Tune in as Anna teaches the boys how to cry on cue, acts out a hilariously dramatic Geordie rom-com with them, and find out exactly what they all got up to during their teenage work experience. Plus, Anna spills all about her latest role as a KGB operative in Star City. ----- 00:00 - Coming up03:15 - Anna Maxwell Martin is here!06:00 - Crying to Sad Songs09:00 - Anna’s Fake Secret10:35 - Work Experience13:00 - Ant & Dec’s First Hangout13:50 - Motherland14:50 - Playing a “Bad A**” in Star City17:45 - “Your Brains are Hollow!”19:20 - Ant & Dec, as Contract Killers?!20:40 - The Geordie Gauntlet25:40 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:32Ant McPartlin?

  What's this? What's this?

• 1:34Declan Donnelly?

  It's a...

• 1:35Ant McPartlin?

  No, no, this.

• 1:36Declan Donnelly?

  What?

• 1:37Ant McPartlin?

  This.

• 1:38Declan Donnelly?

  My tea?

• 1:39Ant McPartlin?

  Where's mine?

• 1:41Declan Donnelly?

  I brought that in. Hello, sorry if you're just listening, I've got a cup of tea on the table and seems very perturbed by the fact I've got a cup of tea.

• 1:48Ant McPartlin?

  Well, I'm parched. I don't have a cup. I don't have a coffee or water or anything.

• 1:52Declan Donnelly?

  I thought you had a coffee.

• 1:54Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, it's not in a branded cup.

• 1:56Declan Donnelly?

  Is that what you got told?

• 1:57Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah. Because it's not in a branded cup and we're not allowed to drink it.

• 2:01Declan Donnelly?

  What, you say you have to drink all your drinks now out of branded cups?

• 2:04Ant McPartlin?

  Apparently so.

• 2:05Declan Donnelly?

  Oh, gosh.

• 2:06Ant McPartlin?

  So we don't got no more branded cups? We do have cups.

• 2:09Declan Donnelly?

  Couldn't you just sip it out of a sippy cardboard cup?

• 2:12Ant McPartlin?

  Apparently not.

• 2:13Declan Donnelly?

  Because it's not branded. It's not on-brand.

• 2:16Ant McPartlin?

  It's not hanging out with Ant and Dec, so I'm not allowed it, apparently.

• 2:21Ant McPartlin?

  So you're doing such a good job.

• 2:23Declan Donnelly?

  You've got to be on brand.

• 2:26Declan Donnelly?

  It's all about.

• 2:26Ant McPartlin?

  And nobody moves to get me anything. Nothing happens. And nothing happens. Wonderful.

• 2:32Declan Donnelly?

  Can I just welcome the listeners and the viewers first?

• 2:34Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, you can if you want.

• 2:35Declan Donnelly?

  Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the hangout, front of the hanging out with him and me. And we are on the air. Um, it's great to be back with you again, this bonus episode.

• 2:44Ant McPartlin?

  Hi, Ed. You got.

• 2:46Declan Donnelly?

  He's got a branded cup.

• 2:48Ant McPartlin?

  He's got a branded cup, so we just need to do this. Sorry to, well, you will get the podcast in a second. But I am.

• 2:54Declan Donnelly?

  But first, I need a coffee.

• 2:57Ant McPartlin?

  Branded cup, thank you.

• 2:58Declan Donnelly?

  I've got a branded cup and a coffee.

• 2:59Ant McPartlin?

  Now I'm happy.

• 3:00Declan Donnelly?

  Are you happy? How are you?

• 3:02Ant McPartlin?

  I'm okay. How are you?

• 3:03Declan Donnelly?

  I'm good, thank you. I'm intrigued as to why we've got a third microphone.

• 3:06Ant McPartlin?

  Sorry, I couldn't make you barbecue at the weekend.

• 3:09Declan Donnelly?

  Yes.

• 3:10Ant McPartlin?

  Sorry about that.

• 3:11Declan Donnelly?

  That's a shame. I had a barbecue at the weekend and didn't come.

• 3:15Ant McPartlin?

  I didn't come. I was, I went up to Newcastle.

• 3:18Declan Donnelly?

  I did invite you.

• 3:19Ant McPartlin?

  I know you did.

• 3:19Declan Donnelly?

  I did invite you.

• 3:20Ant McPartlin?

  I'm not saying sarcastically.

• 3:21Declan Donnelly?

  I thought, well, it sounded sarcastic.

• 3:24Ant McPartlin?

  Well, how else do you say that?

• 3:26Declan Donnelly?

  Sorry, I didn't call you barbecue at the weekend. Yeah, you did.

• 3:30Ant McPartlin?

  I didn't. That's in the mind of the listener, that is. Wasn't in the mind of the speaker. Right. There's a third microphone.

• 3:37Declan Donnelly?

  There's a third microphone. Let's get down to that. I can declare, I do not know why there is a third microphone here today.

• 3:44Ant McPartlin?

  Don't you?

• 3:45Declan Donnelly?

  No.

• 3:45Ant McPartlin?

  Well, I can declare, I don't know either why there's a third microphone here today.

• 3:51Declan Donnelly?

  The plot thickens, the mystery deepens. Heckler's Corner?

• 3:55Speaker 05

  We know.

• 3:56Ant McPartlin?

  You know?

• 3:57Speaker 05

  We know.

• 3:57Ant McPartlin?

  Heckler's Corner knows.

• 3:59Speaker 05

  Yeah. We arranged for this guest. We wanted, you know, a while ago, we were talking about your film scripts.

• 4:05Declan Donnelly?

  Yes.

• 4:06Ant McPartlin?

  Yes.

• 4:06Speaker 05

  And we mentioned a leading lady.

• 4:08Declan Donnelly?

  Yes.

• 4:08Ant McPartlin?

  Yes.

• 4:09Speaker 05

  Well, we've gone out and we've got you a leading lady.

• 4:11Ant McPartlin?

  Amazing.

• 4:12Declan Donnelly?

  Wow.

• 4:13Ant McPartlin?

  Right, well, we'll just wait for the, for the door to go. We'll just wait for the.

• 4:18Ant McPartlin?

  I'm excited, I'm excited.

• 4:19Declan Donnelly?

  Come over here, come over here.

• 4:20Ant McPartlin?

  You get it, you get it, you get it, you get it, you get it. I'm too embarrassed, you get it, you get it, you get it.

• 4:26Ant McPartlin?

  You get it, you get it.

• 4:27Declan Donnelly?

  No, I'll just shut, come in.

• 4:28Ant McPartlin?

  What? No, no, you get it, get it, get it.

• 4:31Declan Donnelly?

  Come in.

• 4:33Ant McPartlin?

  Well, that's a couple of cut out of deck. Come on in, Dave.

• 4:37Declan Donnelly?

  Hello. It's Alan Maxwell Martin.

• 4:40Ant McPartlin?

  No, you're good.

• 4:41Declan Donnelly?

  What a treat. This is lovely.

• 4:44Ant McPartlin?

  Oh, my God. How are you? That's my face as a trophy, that's my face as a trophy.

• 4:49Declan Donnelly?

  For those of you just listening, Anna's now checking out the shelves, having a little look around. Case in the joint, see more Chicken Steel. Do you like that?

• 4:58Ant McPartlin?

  We had it on a series of Saturday Night Takeaway years ago.

• 5:01Speaker 06

  I would see you.

• 5:02Ant McPartlin?

  It's, yeah, can't you tell by the big forehead?

• 5:05Speaker 06

  You've got a nice little.

• 5:07Declan Donnelly?

  Pixie nose.

• 5:07Ant McPartlin?

  Pixie nose, yeah.

• 5:10Declan Donnelly?

  Thank you for coming.

• 5:10Ant McPartlin?

  Surprise. This is a very nice surprise. Yeah, it is, it is a nice surprise.

• 5:15Declan Donnelly?

  It's always a lovely surprise.

• 5:16Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 5:17Declan Donnelly?

  For those of you who don't know, Anna was on the last series of Saturday Night Takeaway with us.

• 5:22Speaker 06

  Yes, when it ended.

• 5:24Declan Donnelly?

  You were, yeah, yeah, it wasn't your fault.

• 5:27Declan Donnelly?

  You didn't get us cancelled, but Anna was the star guest announcer for us.

• 5:31Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 5:31Declan Donnelly?

  We had a fantastic night.

• 5:33Ant McPartlin?

  And you played Read My Lips, where we come down and you have to put the headphones on.

• 5:36Speaker 06

  Oh, God, yeah, shriek my way through that, freak my way through everything.

• 5:40Ant McPartlin?

  I remember you being very excited.

• 5:42Speaker 06

  I am, I am very excitable.

• 5:45Ant McPartlin?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, I feel that, because I didn't expect it and I was thrilled.

• 5:48Speaker 06

  No, I, do you know, when I did Would I Lie To You? I got so, I was with Liamak, he's funny into a. I was like, the whole time, I went, my crotch was sodden when I was.

• 6:04Speaker 06

  Honestly, I got so, I got just, like.

• 6:09Speaker 06

  I thought, I've got to chill out.

• 6:10Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 06

  Calm, down, calmed.

• 6:16Declan Donnelly?

  I kept seeing a play.

• 6:18Speaker 06

  Which one?

• 6:19Declan Donnelly?

  You and James Corden.

• 6:20Speaker 06

  Oh, the constituent.

• 6:21Declan Donnelly?

  Yes.

• 6:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, we had a good laugh on that.

• 6:23Ant McPartlin?

  Did you?

• 6:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, James is a laugh.

• 6:25Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 6:25Speaker 06

  He keeps everyone really jolly.

• 6:27Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah.

• 6:27Speaker 06

  He loves work.

• 6:28Declan Donnelly?

  He's good energy, isn't he?

• 6:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, he wouldn't let anyone moan about, ooh, can't be able to do it tonight, he'd be like, no, no, fuck off.

• 6:34Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah.

• 6:34Ant McPartlin?

  It's true, though, I love work.

• 6:36Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah.

• 6:36Speaker 06

  I love work.

• 6:37Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 6:38Speaker 06

  I love work.

• 6:39Ant McPartlin?

  We're very lucky to be in a career that where we love going to work.

• 6:42Speaker 06

  Yeah, we really, really are, that's why I really don't moan about something, I really love my job, I'm so lucky to be doing my job.

• 6:49Ant McPartlin?

  What age did you start acting?

• 6:51Speaker 06

  I was singing first, so like I, I'm not, obviously not at the level you two were.

• 6:57Ant McPartlin?

  You couldn't really call it singing. Yeah, come on.

• 6:59Speaker 06

  I had my own album out, actually.

• 7:02Ant McPartlin?

  Did you?

• 7:02Speaker 06

  In the shops. Yeah.

• 7:04Ant McPartlin?

  Did you?

• 7:05Speaker 06

  I didn't think you two had an album.

• 7:06Ant McPartlin?

  Three, we had three.

• 7:08Speaker 06

  What?

• 7:08Ant McPartlin?

  I can't even believe it. Well, four of you count.

• 7:10Speaker 06

  Is that true?

• 7:10Ant McPartlin?

  Four of you count the greatest hits.

• 7:13Speaker 06

  You had four albums?

• 7:14Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 7:14Speaker 06

  God, in my mind, you only did one song.

• 7:17Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, I know, in most people's minds, we've only done one song.

• 7:19Declan Donnelly?

  We'll send you them if you want. Do you want us to send you them?

• 7:21Speaker 06

  Oh, please.

• 7:22Ant McPartlin?

  We'll send the greatest hits on CD.

• 7:24Speaker 06

  I'm gonna do a little video for each one, like I'm in the video. Do you do that game in the car when you pretend you're in a video and it's that song? I make myself cry in the car. Yeah, you know, you really pretend like you're in a really bad place, listening to the song. I love it. It's one of my favourite games. My friend Charlotte and I both play it. And actually, my friend Neil and I both play it together at parties.

• 7:46Ant McPartlin?

  That is, I mean, that is, as an actor, to be able to do that anyway.

• 7:50Speaker 06

  It's actually difficult. It's way more difficult. You try and play that next time at a party or a barbecue, you two together. You, you won't stay. You won't not laugh. I'll give you five seconds. If it's a serious song, you have to take it really seriously. You'll laugh within five seconds. You won't be able to sustain. No way. It's a very difficult game, very difficult game.

• 8:10Ant McPartlin?

  To cry.

• 8:10Speaker 06

  More difficult than football. No, not to cry, not to laugh.

• 8:13Ant McPartlin?

  Okay, right.

• 8:14Speaker 06

  You've got to stay in it.

• 8:15Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 8:15Declan Donnelly?

  We did quite a lot of pop videos because we had more than one record.

• 8:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, but that's just you two jumping around in track soaps, wasn't it?

• 8:22Ant McPartlin?

  Well, we had a couple of ballads where we had to stand at windows.

• 8:24Speaker 06

  Oh, no.

• 8:25Declan Donnelly?

  We did.

• 8:26Ant McPartlin?

  And then the rain would come down on the outside and we would kind of, no?

• 8:29Speaker 06

  No. Have you ever done Who Do You Think?

• 8:31Ant McPartlin?

  No, no, it did happen. You said no, like it didn't happen. I'll tell you, it did happen.

• 8:36Speaker 06

  When they say no, I mean, I couldn't, I couldn't look out of a window.

• 8:41Ant McPartlin?

  You could.

• 8:41Speaker 06

  I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't. On Who Do You Think They Are? Me and Diane were talking about this. They do say, oh, just have a little think about what you've heard. I never think about anything. Do you think about that? You're 88, do you? Yeah, I don't think that.

• 8:55Ant McPartlin?

  No, nothing.

• 8:56Speaker 06

  There's nothing coming through.

• 8:57Ant McPartlin?

  No, really.

• 8:58Speaker 06

  So they go, right, think, just think about what you've just heard there. It's quite a lot. And, and I'm like, I'm not thinking about anything. I'm just not thinking about anything. They go, just try to think about something and look out to the sea.

• 9:13Speaker 06

  I can't, I can't, I can't. I was like, we're just gonna go, I can't, I can't, I can't look out, I can't look out. Please, guys, don't, please, we're gonna put the cameras to it for half a second, just look out.

• 9:26Speaker 06

  I can't look through a window. I can't look out to sea. I just do it a lot.

• 9:31Declan Donnelly?

  But if you had that in your script saying Anna looks out, Patricia or whoever your character is, looks out to sea contemplatively.

• 9:38Speaker 06

  I could do it.

• 9:39Declan Donnelly?

  There you go.

• 9:40Ant McPartlin?

  Right, okay.

• 9:41Speaker 06

  I couldn't, Anna, no way Anna could look out to sea.

• 9:44Ant McPartlin?

  My daughters are older now and I was talking about starting off on Biker Grove and acting and stuff. So I can't imagine as an actor. I was like, why? She went, well, could you cry? I was like, well, yeah, I'm sure I probably could. I said, we'd have, we'd have to give it a good go on Biker Grove, but I was like 15. I said, so I'd have to try.

• 9:59Speaker 06

  What were you crying about on Biker Grove?

• 10:01Ant McPartlin?

  I cried lots of things, looking at the ocean. Look at the ocean and cry.

• 10:06Speaker 06

  What were you crying about?

• 10:07Ant McPartlin?

  Look at the way they cry.

• 10:08Declan Donnelly?

  I was crying because I was addicted to arcade machines.

• 10:12Declan Donnelly?

  That's not funny.

• 10:12Speaker 06

  Well, that would have been funny if you were crying whilst on the, on the arcade machine.

• 10:17Declan Donnelly?

  I got caught, I got caught stealing money to fund my arcade addiction, dressed as a teenage mutant here at all.

• 10:24Ant McPartlin?

  Oh, I tell you what I did see recently. I saw you on the assembly on ITV.

• 10:28Speaker 06

  Oh, yes.

• 10:29Ant McPartlin?

  And apparently you said you had a crush on him.

• 10:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:32Ant McPartlin?

  On Declan.

• 10:33Speaker 06

  I want to clarify.

• 10:34Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, please do. Yeah. It wasn't now, it was when you were addicted to arcade machines.

• 10:38Speaker 06

  I was clutching.

• 10:39Ant McPartlin?

  Right, okay.

• 10:40Speaker 06

  Because they said, tell us a secret.

• 10:45Speaker 06

  They said, tell us a secret. My mind, my, my, it was like a white, a white sheet went.

• 10:53Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 10:54Speaker 06

  I thought, I can't say I'm a klepto. I.

• 10:58Declan Donnelly?

  Although you did.

• 10:59Speaker 06

  Did I?

• 11:00Declan Donnelly?

  Didn't you?

• 11:00Speaker 06

  Don't talk about shoplifting.

• 11:01Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah.

• 11:02Speaker 06

  Oh, he said, I've got no, the problem is I've got no filters. I've got no recollections of things that have happened. I can't, there's nothing. I'm having no thoughts.

• 11:14Speaker 06

  It was like a goldfish. Ding, ding, ding, like that going around. So I was, I just plucked something out of the air. I'm sorry. I couldn't think. So I just said that. I thought something that's.

• 11:24Ant McPartlin?

  Be the special? How special do you feel now?

• 11:26Speaker 06

  Who's charming?

• 11:27Declan Donnelly?

  I'm about to show you how easy it is to cry on camera.

• 11:32Speaker 06

  He seems to be swallowing a lot.

• 11:35Ant McPartlin?

  That's, that's how he does it.

• 11:36Declan Donnelly?

  You know, your throat goes tight.

• 11:39Speaker 06

  I think to cry, you just, don't you do that? Really widen your balls.

• 11:49Ant McPartlin?

  I've tried that, it's not working. Oh, my eyeballs. Oh, I get it now.

• 11:54Speaker 06

  Listen, um, the thing is, lads, when I was at school, I went into the careers room.

• 12:00Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 12:01Speaker 06

  It was pretty similar to you. So I went, what do you want to do, Anton, Debbie? We want to be singers. So they went, I went in and said, what do you want to do? And I went, I want to be an actor. And they went, right. Let's think of something more sensible for you. So you have to do your work experience, don't you?

• 12:15Ant McPartlin?

  Yes.

• 12:15Speaker 06

  So I thought, right, well, go and do archaeology.

• 12:19Declan Donnelly?

  Did you?

• 12:20Ant McPartlin?

  Did you? Oh, my God. Was it amazing?

• 12:22Speaker 06

  Oh, my God.

• 12:23Ant McPartlin?

  By the look on your face.

• 12:24Speaker 06

  The first night, I cried. I got in the bath, I was so cold. I went, mommy, I can't go back. My mum is hardcore. She was like, you're going back.

• 12:31Ant McPartlin?

  Did you go to a site then?

• 12:32Speaker 06

  I went to a site, but all you do, honestly, if you've ever done any of it.

• 12:36Ant McPartlin?

  I'd love to.

• 12:37Speaker 06

  You wouldn't love, you, right, you go like this, you're like this.

• 12:44Ant McPartlin?

  But for those of you who just listened.

• 12:45Speaker 06

  All you're doing.

• 12:46Ant McPartlin?

  And I was slowly moving a finger across the desk.

• 12:48Speaker 06

  You're, you're moving, you're looking for, um, tiny fragments of nothing. You're just very slowly going through the dust. Well, it's not dust in Beverly Hills.

• 12:57Ant McPartlin?

  With a brush, little brush.

• 12:58Speaker 06

  A brush or a thing. And then you go into the shed and you have your cup of tea. They've all got Levelers t-shirts on and you're so frightened.

• 13:08Speaker 06

  So scared, you're like that.

• 13:12Ant McPartlin?

  I assume this won't be, uh, the experience for everybody because they'll be in the different bands now, right? They don't all love the Levelers, right?

• 13:19Declan Donnelly?

  Levelers aren't even together anymore, are they?

• 13:20Ant McPartlin?

  No, they're not, they're not. There'll be different bands around.

• 13:23Declan Donnelly?

  When you were doing your archaeology, did Tony Robinson not even turn up?

• 13:26Speaker 06

  No.

• 13:26Declan Donnelly?

  Oh, God.

• 13:27Speaker 06

  God, he was big news then, wasn't he?

• 13:28Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, he was.

• 13:29Declan Donnelly?

  Thank you, team.

• 13:30Ant McPartlin?

  Thank you.

• 13:31Speaker 06

  God, that was the biggest show on TV.

• 13:34Ant McPartlin?

  That was. That was a cool thing to, I think, in my opinion, that was a cool thing to do for work experience. What did you do for yours?

• 13:42Declan Donnelly?

  I worked at HMV.

• 13:44Ant McPartlin?

  Front of house, chatting with everyone?

• 13:46Declan Donnelly?

  No, not really.

• 13:47Ant McPartlin?

  Selling CDs?

• 13:48Speaker 06

  Back in the stocking, stocking room.

• 13:50Declan Donnelly?

  In the stocking room, yeah. And I was in Biker Grove at the time, so I was, I was in acting in Biker Grove.

• 13:54Speaker 06

  That's why they had to keep me in the stocking room, because they were, the girls would have gone mad.

• 13:57Declan Donnelly?

  Maybe, I never thought of that.

• 13:59Speaker 06

  What did you do, Anne?

• 14:01Ant McPartlin?

  I, well, I was on Biker Grove and so they wouldn't give me days off because I was filming. So when I had an afternoon free, I would go into the office and photocopy the scripts.

• 14:11Declan Donnelly?

  We were working from when we were 13 years old, so.

• 14:13Speaker 06

  Is it from 13?

• 14:14Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 14:15Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 14:16Ant McPartlin?

  It was brilliant though.

• 14:17Declan Donnelly?

  But we still had to go and do work experience to tick a box, I think.

• 14:20Speaker 06

  Did you get bored on sets?

• 14:22Declan Donnelly?

  No.

• 14:22Speaker 06

  Kids, sometimes they get really bored, don't they?

• 14:24Declan Donnelly?

  Well, when you're on a kid's show and you've got loads of other kids around.

• 14:27Speaker 06

  Oh, your mates?

• 14:28Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah, we'd get bored on set because we had more fun in the green room because we had a pool table. So we loved being in the green room.

• 14:33Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 14:34Ant McPartlin?

  And then if we weren't on set or in the green room, then you would have to do, if you're under 16, you had to do schoolwork upstairs.

• 14:40Speaker 06

  Schoolwork. Did you meet on Biker Grove?

• 14:43Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 06

  How soon did you fall in love? Was it like the first day?

• 14:47Ant McPartlin?

  No, actually, we weren't in scenes together for a good few months. And then it wasn't until our characters were friends on, on, in Biker Grove that we kind of hung out together.

• 14:58Speaker 06

  And let's get ready to rumble.

• 14:59Ant McPartlin?

  Our first date was a Newcastle United game.

• 15:03Speaker 06

  Right.

• 15:04Ant McPartlin?

  So we went to see Newcastle together.

• 15:05Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 15:06Ant McPartlin?

  We hit it off.

• 15:07Declan Donnelly?

  Can we talk about Motherland?

• 15:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 15:09Declan Donnelly?

  Did you love doing it?

• 15:11Speaker 06

  I loved it.

• 15:12Declan Donnelly?

  It was so good.

• 15:12Speaker 06

  I love them. I love them. Oh my God, I love them all. They're so funny.

• 15:17Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 15:18Speaker 06

  We're all sort of comedy in different ways, but I tell you who's so funny is Paul Ready, like, it's Kenny. It's so, so, so funny, like 12 hours a day, me and I, but like sweaty crotch.

• 15:31Ant McPartlin?

  Really?

• 15:33Speaker 06

  I'm sodden, Paul.

• 15:34Ant McPartlin?

  Sodden Paul.

• 15:37Declan Donnelly?

  Not again.

• 15:39Speaker 06

  He is very funny.

• 15:41Ant McPartlin?

  Really?

• 15:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, they all are.

• 15:43Declan Donnelly?

  It's brilliant.

• 15:43Speaker 06

  Oh, it's brilliant. It's such a good show.

• 15:45Ant McPartlin?

  There is nothing better though than coming to work and just knowing that you're just in for a laugh all day.

• 15:50Speaker 06

  All day. I think I approach every job like that.

• 15:53Ant McPartlin?

  Do you?

• 15:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 15:54Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, we tend to though.

• 15:55Speaker 06

  I want 12 hours of having a laugh.

• 15:57Declan Donnelly?

  But even when you do something like Line of Duty, because I think that was.

• 16:01Speaker 06

  Oh, I don't really laugh.

• 16:02Declan Donnelly?

  Did you?

• 16:03Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 16:04Declan Donnelly?

  Because you never smiled in it once, did you? Because your your character in it was kind of a badass.

• 16:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, and I've just I've just played the worst badass in this show I've just done. She tortures people. She's a terrible, terrible Russian KGB operative.

• 16:20Ant McPartlin?

  Is this Star City?

• 16:21Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 16:21Ant McPartlin?

  So I've seen the trailer.

• 16:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's really good. And I really never say that, but it's actually quite good.

• 16:26Ant McPartlin?

  But it looks right up my street. I like everything about it.

• 16:30Speaker 06

  Oh, you're gonna love it.

• 16:31Ant McPartlin?

  I like Soviet spies. I like the space race.

• 16:34Speaker 06

  It's epic and I can't tell you, yeah, you're like, woo, oh, oh my god. Yeah, it's great.

• 16:39Declan Donnelly?

  So for anybody that hasn't seen the trailer like Ant has, can you give us a little tiny? And me, can you give us a little synopsis of what it is about?

• 16:47Speaker 06

  It's set in 1969. It's behind the Iron Curtain in Russia and it's about, it's set in a sort of space hub, space station. And they want to be the Russians want to be the first to do everything. So it's an alternative telling of the first person landing on the moon. And that happens for Russia rather than the United States. And then it's all the machinations after that. So so at the space centre, there's massive intelligence, KGB, listening in, you know, it's a very dangerous place to be. So I head up that. So I'm I've got my polystyrene gun. I'm waving that around.

• 17:19Ant McPartlin?

  Brilliant. Oh, my god.

• 17:23Speaker 06

  I wouldn't have cast me. I just wanted to say it. I wouldn't have cast me.

• 17:28Ant McPartlin?

  Do you read a script like that? And when something like that comes through, you just go, I can't wait to play this.

• 17:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, I couldn't wait to do to do that. Yeah, she's absolutely, she's, my boyfriend said the other day, because she just does give so little. She's beyond badass.

• 17:42Declan Donnelly?

  Really?

• 17:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, like, like Gigi was badass, but Lord Miller is beyond badass. She was a tank commander.

• 17:49Ant McPartlin?

  Right, okay.

• 17:49Speaker 06

  Again, I wouldn't cast me. And in my office, on my set, it's a bit like this.

• 17:56Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, of course.

• 17:57Speaker 06

  But in my office, there's a picture of me in my tank in the Second World War, and it's one of the most special pictures I've ever seen of myself.

• 18:05Ant McPartlin?

  Well, surely, weren't tank commanders, weren't they quite small to fit in the front of the?

• 18:12Speaker 06

  What are you saying? I'm not a tent and test?

• 18:14Ant McPartlin?

  No, no, no, you're not. I'm saying you were picked for that because you looked like you could have been a tank commander.

• 18:19Speaker 06

  Oh, is that right?

• 18:19Ant McPartlin?

  You could have been a tank commander because you're small.

• 18:22Speaker 06

  You're hurting all our feelings, don't you?

• 18:24Ant McPartlin?

  Well, I'm saying you're small. How's that hurting your feelings?

• 18:28Speaker 06

  There's a new trio here, you're out.

• 18:30Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 18:30Declan Donnelly?

  I'm a goat this lot now.

• 18:31Ant McPartlin?

  Your mama could never get in a tank, she's too tall.

• 18:33Speaker 06

  Well, I didn't know that that's why I was picked, to be a tank commander, but I was driving a tank.

• 18:41Declan Donnelly?

  I got down to the last two for the role, actually.

• 18:42Speaker 06

  Did you?

• 18:42Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah, I did, yeah.

• 18:43Speaker 06

  No, it was just for driving the tank during the Second World War.

• 18:45Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah.

• 18:48Speaker 06

  I wish I had been against you for the role. That would have been great, wouldn't it?

• 18:52Declan Donnelly?

  That would be fun.

• 18:52Ant McPartlin?

  And it was the writers of For All Mankind?

• 18:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, but I don't know that show. That's a space show.

• 18:58Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah.

• 18:58Speaker 06

  So that wouldn't be my vibe. I'm not in the space. I'm very much on land.

• 19:02Ant McPartlin?

  Oh, yeah. You're not part of like these moon conspiracies? Have you ever thought about what the moon?

• 19:09Speaker 06

  They talk about a moon conspiracy.

• 19:11Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, we've talked about it. We've had it on here before. We've talked about this loads.

• 19:14Declan Donnelly?

  Some of our viewers and listeners have been sending in, we did a conspiracy special because we love conspiracy theories.

• 19:18Speaker 06

  What is the moon conspiracy?

• 19:20Ant McPartlin?

  Oh, there's lots.

• 19:21Speaker 06

  It's made of cheese.

• 19:23Declan Donnelly?

  There's hollow, the hollow moon theory.

• 19:25Ant McPartlin?

  Hollow moon theory. That when the lunar module landed on it, it run.

• 19:31Declan Donnelly?

  This isn't our period. It's not our period.

• 19:34Speaker 06

  That's a new theory. Your brains are made of cheese. One's cheese and one's hollow.

• 19:40Ant McPartlin?

  I mean, she's not far off.

• 19:42Speaker 06

  Your rap name's Cheese and Hollow.

• 19:47Declan Donnelly?

  That's not our period.

• 19:48Speaker 06

  I bought your first single, actually, and if you bring out your second single, it could be under Cheese and Hollow.

• 19:54Ant McPartlin?

  I'll tell you, I'll rap all the egos.

• 19:58Ant McPartlin?

  Is this why, is this why you booked her? Because she just gives a shit all the way through? Is that this why? Yeah? Is this living up to what you thought it would? Yeah, well, well done. Hackers call out. Well done. But honestly, I'm really excited about it. When is it on? When does it start?

• 20:13Speaker 06

  I'm gonna say end of May.

• 20:15Ant McPartlin?

  End of May. Twenty ninth, I think.

• 20:18Declan Donnelly?

  And can I?

• 20:18Ant McPartlin?

  Twenty ninth of May.

• 20:19Declan Donnelly?

  Twenty, twenty ninth of May.

• 20:20Ant McPartlin?

  I watched the trailers to the very end. Is there anyone you'd love to play or any character you don't think you've ticked that box yet that you wanna do?

• 20:27Speaker 06

  I feel like I've done most things, but actually, do you know what? I would, I'd quite like to do something a bit quieter, like a little love story or something.

• 20:35Declan Donnelly?

  Well, that's nice.

• 20:35Speaker 06

  That's probably what I'd like to do next. Or might, maybe I'd do a play next.

• 20:39Ant McPartlin?

  Well, in all seriousness, we would love to do some more acting again. We would love, we miss, yeah, we do miss it.

• 20:44Speaker 06

  I write and I'm gonna write you both. I'm gonna write you both a part where you're the most evil little guy.

• 20:53Ant McPartlin?

  Okay.

• 20:53Declan Donnelly?

  Can you write us a couple of badasses?

• 20:56Speaker 06

  No, you'd be good, um, like serial killers or co- contract killers.

• 21:02Ant McPartlin?

  That's it? Well, we'd like that. Hitmen.

• 21:05Speaker 06

  Right. Hitmen.

• 21:06Ant McPartlin?

  Okay.

• 21:07Speaker 06

  You smashed that.

• 21:08Declan Donnelly?

  Don't make empty promises to us.

• 21:09Speaker 06

  It's not up to me, it's up to the commissioners.

• 21:11Declan Donnelly?

  Well, well. We had lunch with William Boyd and William Boyd said to us-

• 21:17Speaker 06

  The writer?

• 21:18Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, the author, yeah.

• 21:19Declan Donnelly?

  And he said to us-

• 21:20Speaker 06

  William Boyd?

• 21:21Declan Donnelly?

  And he said, I've got a film idea for you two. Says, I'll tell you in a bit. So we, we had lunch-

• 21:26Speaker 06

  Where you can join twins?

• 21:27Declan Donnelly?

  Well-

• 21:28Ant McPartlin?

  This is the point.

• 21:29Declan Donnelly?

  This is the problem.

• 21:29Ant McPartlin?

  We don't know.

• 21:30Declan Donnelly?

  We had lunch with him and they, and we went, anyway, so, no, we didn't. So we had lunch with him and we got to the other day and then she went, oh, I must tell you that film idea. His wife entered, went, hello, William. And he went, oh, hello darling, come in, take a seat, meet the boys, blah, blah, blah. So we start chatting to the wife, we're like, get to the film idea, William. And she went, darling, we have to go, we've got that appointment. And he goes, oh, yes, I'm so sorry. They were off. We never heard the film idea.

• 21:56Ant McPartlin?

  You've got glasses in. Oh, why have you got glasses? They're cool.

• 21:59Speaker 05

  Anna's popped her glasses on because we've

• 22:00Speaker 06

  I've got to actually read them then.

• 22:02Speaker 05

  Got a script for you.

• 22:03Ant McPartlin?

  We've got a script?

• 22:04Speaker 05

  Yes, in the drawer behind you, in the bottom left drawer.

• 22:08Ant McPartlin?

  So these are scripts? Have we been sending scripts?

• 22:10Speaker 05

  We've been sent in a script. We asked our audience for a script with three characters.

• 22:15Ant McPartlin?

  Okay.

• 22:15Speaker 05

  There is a leading lady.

• 22:17Ant McPartlin?

  Oh.

• 22:18Declan Donnelly?

  This is called The Geordie Gauntlet by Betsy Thromble. In this rom-com drama, two completely opposite geordies, Antoine and Kevin, vie endlessly for Belinda's affection.

• 22:29Ant McPartlin?

  So Antoine, I presume that's me, charming, slightly competitive, wears a mysterious hat.

• 22:34Declan Donnelly?

  Kevin, also charming, even more competitive, wears a

• 22:40Speaker 06

  Wickerberry.

• 22:40Declan Donnelly?

  A wickerberry.

• 22:41Ant McPartlin?

  What's a wickerberry?

• 22:43Speaker 06

  I love that. I love that it's one word. Wickerberry.

• 22:46Declan Donnelly?

  Wickerberry. Wickerberry.

• 22:48Ant McPartlin?

  That looks like a wickerberry.

• 22:49Speaker 06

  It's a wickerberry.

• 22:51Declan Donnelly?

  Oh, God.

• 22:52Ant McPartlin?

  That's my hat. What's this Sam hat? Is that always wear for these things? Gone, oh mate, you guys.

• 22:57Declan Donnelly?

  There's a candle altar down there we need, apparently.

• 22:59Ant McPartlin?

  Right.

• 23:00Declan Donnelly?

  Scene one is in a fancy

• 23:01Speaker 06

  Hold on, you haven't read out what Belinda

• 23:03Declan Donnelly?

  Oh, Belinda, sorry. You're supposed to read that. What is Belinda like?

• 23:06Speaker 06

  She's an elegant woman who is clearly exhausted with both of them.

• 23:10Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, I picked a one now.

• 23:11Declan Donnelly?

  I think you'll be good at that.

• 23:13Ant McPartlin?

  Right.

• 23:14Declan Donnelly?

  Scene one is in a fancy candlelit Italian restaurant. There is one table but three chairs. Antoine and Kevin are sitting on either side of Belinda. Shall we just imagine that?

• 23:24Ant McPartlin?

  You could have just stressed a candles.

• 23:27Declan Donnelly?

  We're supposed to be sitting on either side of Belinda. Shall we put Belinda in the middle?

• 23:31Ant McPartlin?

  Come on, Belinda.

• 23:32Speaker 06

  You should direct.

• 23:35Declan Donnelly?

  A very bossy, aren't they?

• 23:37Speaker 06

  Oh, this is a bit damp.

• 23:40Declan Donnelly?

  Sodden crotch.

• 23:41Ant McPartlin?

  Not me. Oh, yeah, you're right. It was me.

• 23:44Declan Donnelly?

  He's got a sodden crotch.

• 23:45Speaker 06

  I've either carried over my sodden crotch or sat in sodden crotch.

• 23:49Declan Donnelly?

  Antoine leaning in intense.

• 23:51Ant McPartlin?

  But Belle, you haven't lived until you've seen the sunrise over the Tyne while sharing a portion of cheesy chips. It's spiritual.

• 24:00Declan Donnelly?

  Cheesy chips? Talk about low rent Belinda. I've got two tickets for the opera. It's four hours long and in German. It's the height of sophistication.

• 24:10Speaker 06

  Lads, it's been three hours. I just wanted pasta.

• 24:13Ant McPartlin?

  Look, I'm the one who ordered the sparkling water for the table, Kevin. That shows foresight, leadership, husband material.

• 24:20Declan Donnelly?

  Well, I held the door open and I didn't even use the automatic button. I used me actual muscles.

• 24:26Ant McPartlin?

  Ha! You, muscles, you wish.

• 24:29Speaker 06

  Is it too early to ask for the bill?

• 24:31Ant McPartlin?

  Kevin!

• 24:32Declan Donnelly?

  Is that me?

• 24:33Ant McPartlin?

  That's you.

• 24:33Declan Donnelly?

  Is that me?

• 24:34Ant McPartlin?

  Kevin.

• 24:34Declan Donnelly?

  Softening his voice.

• 24:35Speaker 06

  Open your voice, Kevin.

• 24:37Declan Donnelly?

  Look, Belle.

• 24:39Speaker 06

  Got rabble, isn't it?

• 24:43Declan Donnelly?

  Look, Belle, we can't keep fighting over you. It's clear you've got a choice to make.

• 24:49Speaker 06

  I just wanted a glass of wine, my sofa and a box set.

• 24:52Ant McPartlin?

  So a Netflix and chill then?

• 24:54Speaker 06

  My own.

• 24:55Ant McPartlin?

  Point taken.

• 24:56Declan Donnelly?

  There's a pause. The three remain silent, looking at the camera and sigh. Ah, I've got to sigh at the camera. There we go. That's it. That's the one.

• 25:08Speaker 06

  It's hard to sigh, isn't it?

• 25:12Speaker 06

  Why can't I do that?

• 25:18Ant McPartlin?

  There you go. There you go. It's good.

• 25:20Speaker 06

  I go, what?

• 25:22Ant McPartlin?

  You're fainting out.

• 25:24Declan Donnelly?

  So, no pressure at all, Belle, but it would be good to know who's the winner.

• 25:29Speaker 06

  What?

• 25:30Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, I don't want to pressure you either, Belle, but we can't live like this. For what it's worth, I like you. I really like you. More than I like cheesy chips.

• 25:39Speaker 06

  That's comforting, Antoine. Very sweet.

• 25:42Declan Donnelly?

  I'm sweet too.

• 25:43Speaker 06

  Do you know what? Why don't you both close your eyes? Sorry. We're not doing a kissing scene.

• 25:50Ant McPartlin?

  I do.

• 25:50Speaker 06

  No, we're not doing a kissing scene.

• 25:52Ant McPartlin?

  We're not. We can pretend.

• 25:53Speaker 06

  We can do it with a kiss on my cheek.

• 25:55Declan Donnelly?

  Linda sits perfectly still. Antoine leans in from the left. Kevin leans in from the right. They both close their eyes, puckering with immense focus, just as they are inches away.

• 26:06Declan Donnelly?

  Just as they are inches away, Belinda silently gets up. Antoine and Kevin unaware continue forward. Their lips meet in the middle with a very audible moi sound. Oh, he kissed me.

• 26:23Ant McPartlin?

  Of course he did, it's in the script.

• 26:25Declan Donnelly?

  Oh. Hey, bloody hell.

• 26:28Ant McPartlin?

  Why so stubbly if they kissing a cactus man?

• 26:31Speaker 06

  I knew you two would make a cuter couple. Night, lads.

• 26:36Ant McPartlin?

  Night, Belinda.

• 26:41Ant McPartlin?

  Well, thank you very much for your scripts.

• 26:43Speaker 06

  Thank you, Betsy.

• 26:44Ant McPartlin?

  I didn't think we'd get to me kissing you so early on in our film.

• 26:47Speaker 06

  I don't think that we'll get a commission.

• 26:49Ant McPartlin?

  You do not think so?

• 26:50Speaker 06

  No.

• 26:51Declan Donnelly?

  I'm still.

• 26:52Speaker 06

  Let's go back to William Boyd. Boyd.

• 26:54Declan Donnelly?

  I'm still unsure why I had to wear a wicker beret.

• 26:57Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, you don't see a lot of Jordies in wicker berets.

• 27:01Ant McPartlin?

  Right, Star City is out the end of May on Apple TV and I can't wait.

• 27:06Speaker 06

  Thank God we said something about that. We didn't need to, did we?

• 27:10Ant McPartlin?

  We didn't need to, because I am genuinely looking forward to it. It looks amazing.

• 27:17Ant McPartlin?

  Thank you for coming in. That is a surprise that this was a genuine lovely surprise.

• 27:21Declan Donnelly?

  A lovely surprise.

• 27:22Ant McPartlin?

  Really, really appreciate it.

• 27:23Declan Donnelly?

  Thank you.

• 27:23Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you, lads. I've had a lovely time.

• 27:26Ant McPartlin?

  Feel free to come down whenever you want.

• 27:28Speaker 06

  I'll come every week and then you're like, we didn't say every week.

• 27:35Declan Donnelly?

  Christ, she's in again.

• 27:37Speaker 06

  Christ, we're going, we should come down every week.

• 27:41Ant McPartlin?

  Bye.

• 27:44Ant McPartlin?

  Can I move back?

• 27:45Declan Donnelly?

  I'm exhausted.

• 27:45Ant McPartlin?

  So am I.

• 27:46Declan Donnelly?

  Oh, my God, she's so brilliant, isn't she?

• 27:48Ant McPartlin?

  She's lovely and funny and, you know, not like her characters at all.

• 27:53Declan Donnelly?

  Well, she's like the one in Motherland.

• 27:55Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, she is a bit like the one in Motherland. Yeah, that's the only character she's like, I suppose. She was very taken with my head.

• 28:01Declan Donnelly?

  She was very taken.

• 28:02Ant McPartlin?

  And my nose, especially. My pixie nose.

• 28:04Declan Donnelly?

  She's so lovely. I remember, and I've been like that, when she came to Saturday Night Takeaway.

• 28:08Ant McPartlin?

  Yeah, she was.

• 28:09Declan Donnelly?

  I still guess I know her.

• 28:10Ant McPartlin?

  I just thought she was excited because it was live telly.

• 28:12Declan Donnelly?

  Yeah.

• 28:12Ant McPartlin?

  Clearly, clearly not.

• 28:13Declan Donnelly?

  Clearly not.

• 28:14Ant McPartlin?

  She's excited like this on podcasts as well.

• 28:17Ant McPartlin?

  It's good though. Well done. Good booking. Headless Corner, well done. Eight bananas. Absolutely top notch. Right, well, that's it.

• 28:24Declan Donnelly?

  We're done.

• 28:24Ant McPartlin?

  Hope you enjoyed that pod. We did. Thanks for the film script. I don't think she was that impressed by the film script.

• 28:30Declan Donnelly?

  I don't think that's gonna get made.

• 28:31Ant McPartlin?

  Don't think so.

• 28:32Declan Donnelly?

  But we'll be back on Thursday with a main pod.

• 28:35Ant McPartlin?

  Yes, we will.

• 28:35Declan Donnelly?

  Until then, respect, guys.

• 28:37Ant McPartlin?

  Respect, guys.

• 28:37Declan Donnelly?

  See you Thursday.

• 28:38Ant McPartlin?

  See you Thursday.

• 28:41Ant McPartlin?

  Come on.

• 28:43Ant McPartlin?

  Oh, no, no.

• 28:50Speaker 07

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