Pretty Little Episode #21

Tig and Fortune talk fashion faux pas and tap dancing at the Oscars on a fabulously fun Pretty Little Episode! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepod http://speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:30Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 0:48Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy, so easy we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:20Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

• 1:45Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 2:03Speaker 03

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 2:19Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 2:20Fortune Feimster?

  Hello.

• 2:21Tig Notaro?

  Welcome to this pretty little episode with these pretty little ladies. What are you laughing at?

• 2:26Fortune Feimster?

  I'm laughing at you just because you're like, hello.

• 2:29Tig Notaro?

  Hello.

• 2:30Fortune Feimster?

  We're here.

• 2:30Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 2:33Tig Notaro?

  How's your plant doing?

• 2:34Fortune Feimster?

  What, my plant? My fake plant is amazing.

• 2:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:38Fortune Feimster?

  Would you know that's a fake plant?

• 2:40Tig Notaro?

  No, no.

• 2:41Fortune Feimster?

  See, that's why I love fake plants.

• 2:44Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 2:44Fortune Feimster?

  I've not had to water it once.

• 2:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you shouldn't. Our, our assistant was watering.

• 2:53Fortune Feimster?

  A fake plant?

• 2:55Tig Notaro?

  Plants on our back patio. And I saw her do it one day and I was like, oh, it's like those, those don't need to be watered.

• 3:04Fortune Feimster?

  I would be confused if they were on the patio, though.

• 3:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I mean, she had every reason to think they were real.

• 3:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 3:10Tig Notaro?

  But, um.

• 3:11Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, why is this puddle, why is there a puddle of water under here constantly?

• 3:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:18Fortune Feimster?

  I do not have a green thumb, so this is the best it's gonna get for me.

• 3:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I wish I was a little more, um, green.

• 3:27Fortune Feimster?

  Botanical.

• 3:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:28Fortune Feimster?

  I admire those people that have those just like lush gardens and.

• 3:33Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 3:34Fortune Feimster?

  They're growing all this fresh food.

• 3:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I would love to be one of those little old ladies, little, little pretty old ladies that's just hunched over in their garden and then, you know, they always have little clippers in their hands and, and then a hat that's covering like their entire body. And then you walk by and you're like, hi, Mrs. Notaro.

• 3:56Fortune Feimster?

  I see that for you.

• 3:57Tig Notaro?

  And then I look up, I'm like, oh, hi. Oh, you've gotten so big, you know, have those.

• 4:04Fortune Feimster?

  I think that's in your future down the road.

• 4:06Tig Notaro?

  Do you really?

• 4:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:08Tig Notaro?

  And I'm not joking, like, that is my fantasy. Like, if somebody told me that I could get that going on immediately, I would be thrilled to have like a garden where things come up.

• 4:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:20Tig Notaro?

  High enough to where when you're hunched over and you're gardening, somebody just sees that little hat.

• 4:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 4:26Tig Notaro?

  You think I've got that in my future?

• 4:27Fortune Feimster?

  I think you've got it in you.

• 4:29Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 4:30Fortune Feimster?

  Tenfold, you've got that. It's so in your body. I don't know, I would just see you with your little clippers and your sun hat.

• 4:41Fortune Feimster?

  You can start now. A lot of people do the raised beds.

• 4:45Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 4:47Fortune Feimster?

  They start with like one of those. Start with one of those.

• 4:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I wonder if there's gardening college or school somewhere?

• 4:54Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think you need a college for it.

• 4:56Tig Notaro?

  I do. I think I need a four year degree.

• 5:00Fortune Feimster?

  On agriculture?

• 5:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and fashion, you know?

• 5:04Fortune Feimster?

  And fashion, yeah.

• 5:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:06Fortune Feimster?

  I think if you watched one YouTube video, you could start a garden.

• 5:11Tig Notaro?

  I could immediately hunch over and start picking weeds.

• 5:15Fortune Feimster?

  Come to my garden. Rest here for a while. What's that from?

• 5:24Tig Notaro?

  Um.

• 5:26Fortune Feimster?

  Listeners, who knows this answer?

• 5:29Tig Notaro?

  Thomas almost looks like he does. No? I don't know.

• 5:33Fortune Feimster?

  You guys don't know it neither. All right. I'm gonna tell you.

• 5:37Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 5:38Fortune Feimster?

  Garden is in the title.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Garden State?

• 5:41Fortune Feimster?

  Nope.

• 5:42Tig Notaro?

  Gray. Gray Gardens, the musical.

• 5:48Tig Notaro?

  Let's make it.

• 5:51Fortune Feimster?

  It is the secret garden.

• 5:53Tig Notaro?

  Okay, well, people kept it a secret.

• 5:56Fortune Feimster?

  About that.

• 6:01Fortune Feimster?

  My grandmother was a gardener. I am not, but I, I don't actually mind the thought of when I'm older, also having that situation.

• 6:11Tig Notaro?

  Okay, truth comes out. I didn't know. I thought, I thought, I thought you were just like, that's not my world, no interest.

• 6:20Fortune Feimster?

  No. You know what would be, I think a cool way to retire, I would have maybe two places, because I would get bored.

• 6:27Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:28Fortune Feimster?

  One in a city, like in L, like somewhere in LA.

• 6:31Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 6:32Fortune Feimster?

  But a house in like a, like a Napa Valley.

• 6:35Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:36Fortune Feimster?

  It's a lot of farm to table situations up there.

• 6:39Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:39Fortune Feimster?

  Where people are growing stuff and they're eating good food and fresh food. I wouldn't mind a little, little cottage in Napa or Sonoma.

• 6:50Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:50Fortune Feimster?

  And get my gardening on and just drink wine all day.

• 6:57Fortune Feimster?

  That sounds delightful.

• 6:59Tig Notaro?

  And then how interested would Jax be in the gardening? Not at all?

• 7:03Fortune Feimster?

  Or? She'd be interested in the wine for sure. And the charcuterie that's gonna accompany that.

• 7:10Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 7:11Fortune Feimster?

  She would be very into the vegetables, the fresh veggies.

• 7:15Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 7:16Fortune Feimster?

  I think I could learn how to be butch and grow our food.

• 7:21Tig Notaro?

  So it takes butchy, because I've seen little old pretty ladies that aren't terribly butchy.

• 7:27Fortune Feimster?

  Do they?

• 7:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 7:29Fortune Feimster?

  Phil's butch to me. Getting dirty.

• 7:32Tig Notaro?

  Get dirty. I'm so glitchy.

• 7:37Tig Notaro?

  Look at me.

• 7:38Fortune Feimster?

  My hands in the dirt.

• 7:40Tig Notaro?

  But you have seen the women that are like 80 that are not butchy, that their gardens are really growing. Here's my other problem is I don't feel like I make a good Mrs. Notaro. You know, I feel like I'm only Mrs. Notaro when I check into hotels.

• 7:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 7:58Tig Notaro?

  Or like on a flight, Mrs. Notaro.

• 8:01Fortune Feimster?

  I just got called sir last night.

• 8:03Tig Notaro?

  Oh, anyone you know?

• 8:05Fortune Feimster?

  No, the valet. He goes, have a good night, sir. I said, thank you.

• 8:12Fortune Feimster?

  I always try to make my voice higher. Thank you.

• 8:17Tig Notaro?

  I always say, oh, I'm female. And then I get in my car.

• 8:20Fortune Feimster?

  You do.

• 8:24Tig Notaro?

  I had this one Uber driver that kept calling me sir and buddy. And I kept saying, oh, I'm female. Oh, I'm female.

• 8:35Fortune Feimster?

  And he didn't care.

• 8:36Tig Notaro?

  He did not, he didn't hear anything I said because he was looking at me going, whatever I was saying was not.

• 8:44Fortune Feimster?

  Did not track for him.

• 8:46Tig Notaro?

  No, he was like, why is he saying I'm female?

• 8:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 8:50Tig Notaro?

  You know? Um, but yeah, that's, that's my, um, that's my favorite thing to say, of course, to cause some awkwardness.

• 8:58Fortune Feimster?

  You love a good awkward moment.

• 9:00Tig Notaro?

  I do. I love an awkward moment.

• 9:02Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I just go with it.

• 9:04Tig Notaro?

  Thank you.

• 9:07Tig Notaro?

  That's not going with it.

• 9:08Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you.

• 9:12Tig Notaro?

  How often do you get called sir? Cause I don't feel like you've got a sir look.

• 9:17Fortune Feimster?

  I do more than you think. I think it's that people, if they're not really paying attention, they just see a large presence. Like, um, and, and so I'm not dainty like a pretty little lady.

• 9:32Fortune Feimster?

  So they just see like the broad shoulders and they just assume.

• 9:35Tig Notaro?

  Oh man, that dude treads water. Look at those shoulders.

• 9:39Fortune Feimster?

  Once every couple of weeks, maybe?

• 9:41Tig Notaro?

  Okay, see mine's every few days.

• 9:44Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really?

• 9:45Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes.

• 9:45Fortune Feimster?

  Probably your short hair.

• 9:47Tig Notaro?

  For sure.

• 9:48Fortune Feimster?

  I have these long locks.

• 9:52Fortune Feimster?

  Look how feminine I am right now.

• 9:56Tig Notaro?

  I mean, Fortune's got her hair flung to one side. She's twirling. I would say you're even making eyes at me.

• 10:06Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, what would it take you? And I know we've already talked about this in many different ways, but really, what would it take for you to hook up with me?

• 10:13Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my God.

• 10:18Tig Notaro?

  Well, you can't start twirling your hair and making eyes at me and it's not, oh, it's not gonna cross my mind.

• 10:25Fortune Feimster?

  You and I would start giggling the whole time. There's no way.

• 10:32Tig Notaro?

  But what is it like a money amount? Like what is, what, what is it gonna take?

• 10:37Fortune Feimster?

  You don't have to pay me. Come on. That's a delight right there.

• 10:44Fortune Feimster?

  Delightful hookup.

• 10:47Tig Notaro?

  Jax and Stephanie walk in and they're like, oh God, what are you two doing?

• 10:51Fortune Feimster?

  They're like, these two.

• 10:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, let's go have a, a hot chocolate by the fire.

• 10:56Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. A little vino.

• 10:59Tig Notaro?

  So you won't put out a, a number?

• 11:01Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I wouldn't have, you wouldn't have to pay me.

• 11:03Tig Notaro?

  You would just do it.

• 11:05Fortune Feimster?

  Heck yeah. What a fun time.

• 11:10Tig Notaro?

  What if we liked it a little too much? We had to sit down and explain.

• 11:15Fortune Feimster?

  It could ruin handsome.

• 11:17Tig Notaro?

  We're like, Jax, Stephanie, I know it was surprising, but funny to catch us, but we actually.

• 11:25Fortune Feimster?

  We have very intense feelings for each other now.

• 11:32Tig Notaro?

  Please let that happen. Okay. I feel like Thomas is ready to give us our first question. He's like, we gotta break this tension and move on.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  It's too hot.

• 11:45Fortune Feimster?

  It's too hot in here.

• 11:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, Thomas, did you hear all that?

• 11:49Speaker 04

  I did, yeah.

• 11:49Fortune Feimster?

  Was somebody else in the room?

• 11:51Speaker 04

  I tried to block it out.

• 11:52Fortune Feimster?

  You thought we were alone?

• 11:55Tig Notaro?

  Okay, give us a question.

• 11:57Speaker 05

  Hello, Fortune, May and Tig. My name is Simon and I'm from Canada. And I want to know, did you ever have a style era that you look back on and think, what was I doing? Um, just a moment in time when you tried something different? Maybe you did, you know, a crazier haircut or you went into a certain genre of fashion that you never really tried before. It was an experimental phase and you look back and you just think, that was wild.

• 12:36Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, man, I've had some, I've had some real bad moments and they're all, you know, documented because I was on TV. I was in press photos. I mean, some of the things I would, I can't believe I showed up to half the things I showed up to, wearing the things I wore.

• 12:55Fortune Feimster?

  Lot of sweater vests, lot of, lot of vests.

• 12:58Tig Notaro?

  What's wrong with a sweater vest? What is wrong with a vest?

• 13:01Fortune Feimster?

  But my shirts like underneath were like either too long or too short, like raggedy jeans. I don't know.

• 13:09Tig Notaro?

  Ratty jeans?

• 13:10Fortune Feimster?

  Ratty jeans. My hair wasn't like, not that my hair is not always insane, but Jax's, um, helps me keep, not right now. I did it myself, but she scrunches my curls.

• 13:21Tig Notaro?

  I know she does.

• 13:22Fortune Feimster?

  She scrunches my curls. She's the best.

• 13:25Tig Notaro?

  I'm just looking for someone who'll scrunch my curls.

• 13:28Fortune Feimster?

  I found my person. She scrunches my curls.

• 13:37Fortune Feimster?

  But man, I have, even even Jack's laughs now, she's like, oh my God, these outfits. And I'm like, I know. Ill fitting. I think that was it. It was a lot of ill fitting stuff.

• 13:51Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 13:52Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't know how to get things tailored yet. Or they were like a little too tight or a little too long or a little whatever crazy shoulders.

• 14:02Tig Notaro?

  Crazy shoulders.

• 14:04Fortune Feimster?

  You know, like I like a men's blazer, but the shoulders like look like a football. You gotta get that fixed.

• 14:13Fortune Feimster?

  I look like a football player.

• 14:15Tig Notaro?

  Oh, that's so funny.

• 14:17Fortune Feimster?

  What was yours?

• 14:18Tig Notaro?

  Well, I mean, I think the first time that I went rogue with fashion was in elementary school. And I went through a period of time where I wore a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and shorts.

• 14:37Fortune Feimster?

  Nice.

• 14:38Tig Notaro?

  And, uh, and it was those like safari shorts because I liked having a lot of pockets. And then it had like a, a keychain hook on it, on the safari shorts.

• 14:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 14:49Tig Notaro?

  I mean, not like I'm embarrassed of that, but that was the first time where I remember when I would go over to my neighbor's house to play, it was like, oh, Tig has a new fashion.

• 15:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 15:05Tig Notaro?

  You know, and.

• 15:07Fortune Feimster?

  There's so many pockets.

• 15:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. I'm sure I kept cigarettes and stuff in there.

• 15:12Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 15:13Tig Notaro?

  I used to also wear little earrings.

• 15:15Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh.

• 15:16Tig Notaro?

  And I started dating this woman, like, I don't even know when. And, uh, she was like, why do you have those earrings in? And I was like, I don't know. And she said, you look like a little girl baby. You look like a little baby whose parents are trying to signal to everyone that you're a little girl.

• 15:36Fortune Feimster?

  That pierced their little baby ears. Oh, little babies with pierced ears. I'm like, oh no.

• 15:43Tig Notaro?

  You do like them or you don't?

• 15:44Fortune Feimster?

  I do not like them, no.

• 15:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 15:48Fortune Feimster?

  I think the baby doesn't, that hurts. They don't want that.

• 15:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, there's no real reason you need to signal to everyone that the baby is a girl or boy.

• 16:00Fortune Feimster?

  Got a bow in their hair.

• 16:02Tig Notaro?

  And it made me laugh so hard when she said that I looked like my parents were trying to signal that I was a girl.

• 16:10Fortune Feimster?

  I wear little earrings.

• 16:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I took them out.

• 16:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you don't wear any earrings now, yeah?

• 16:16Tig Notaro?

  No, not since her, because I was like, God, that is funny, because I said, you know, now that you're saying that, I think, I think that is what I was trying to do, was signal that I'm a girl.

• 16:29Tig Notaro?

  And then, and then I was just like, yeah, I, I took my earrings out and I-

• 16:34Fortune Feimster?

  Who needs them?

• 16:35Tig Notaro?

  Who needs them? And now, you know, everyone wears two earrings, you know, guys do, and so you're not really signaling anything. There you are, Simon. What about you?

• 16:44Speaker 05

  Um, for me, I think all of my fashion choices have been completely justifiable. It's amazing, so.

• 16:54Fortune Feimster?

  All right.

• 16:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, especially the skirt over jeans when I was a little kid. That was probably the best. Comment to your answer. Bye.

• 17:02Fortune Feimster?

  Nice. My hair hasn't changed in like 20 years, though.

• 17:07Tig Notaro?

  What was it before 20 years ago?

• 17:09Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't know about, um, layering.

• 17:12Tig Notaro?

  Oh, layering?

• 17:13Fortune Feimster?

  And brushing.

• 17:19Fortune Feimster?

  That.

• 17:20Tig Notaro?

  It hadn't, it hadn't reached you yet.

• 17:23Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, curl cream?

• 17:26Tig Notaro?

  I don't even know about curl cream. I just found out when you said curl cream.

• 17:30Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't know that you could layer hair and curve it inward. So it was just a triangle.

• 17:40Tig Notaro?

  Nobody mentioned.

• 17:41Fortune Feimster?

  Gilda Radner, that character.

• 17:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 17:44Fortune Feimster?

  Is a triangle.

• 17:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I I've been wondering if I should um just see what I look like dying my hair.

• 17:52Fortune Feimster?

  What color?

• 17:53Tig Notaro?

  Well, brown.

• 17:54Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 17:55Tig Notaro?

  I don't mind the gray, but I'm curious what I would look like if I didn't have gray.

• 18:00Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 18:00Tig Notaro?

  With my face aging, you know what I mean?

• 18:03Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 18:04Tig Notaro?

  Cause I of course know what I look like with brown hair from years ago, but now I'm like, you know, I've got little gray patches by my ears and stuff.

• 18:13Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna look like an old cherub.

• 18:21Fortune Feimster?

  Fat cheeks.

• 18:22Tig Notaro?

  A little old cherub.

• 18:24Fortune Feimster?

  Rosie fat cheeks, wrinkles.

• 18:27Tig Notaro?

  That's great.

• 18:28Fortune Feimster?

  Who also kind of looks young, but is old.

• 18:31Tig Notaro?

  Do cherubs never get older, huh?

• 18:34Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna be the first one.

• 18:36Tig Notaro?

  Wow, look at you. You're gonna live so long from treading.

• 18:41Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 18:41Tig Notaro?

  Look at that old cherub. That's gonna be one of your specials down the road is old cherub.

• 18:51Fortune Feimster?

  You heard it here first.

• 18:52Tig Notaro?

  You sure did.

• 18:53Fortune Feimster?

  I love it. All right, what's next?

• 18:56Speaker 03

  Hi, handsome pod. This is Hannah from Berlin. And my question is, what is something you've never done or tried that you think you would actually love? And what's stopping you?

• 19:10Tig Notaro?

  Oh, good question. Also Hannah from Berlin does not sound like.

• 19:14Fortune Feimster?

  Does not sound German.

• 19:15Tig Notaro?

  Hannah is from Berlin. It feels like Hannah. Forgot to mention where Hannah was from before she got to Berlin.

• 19:23Fortune Feimster?

  She's like, oh, I meant Berlin, Minnesota.

• 19:29Tig Notaro?

  I guess I'm Tig from Toronto, huh?

• 19:32Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 19:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:33Fortune Feimster?

  Something that you've never done, but that you think you could be good at, and why haven't you done it?

• 19:38Tig Notaro?

  I've got something.

• 19:40Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 19:40Tig Notaro?

  I've always wanted to do this. And fine, get ready to laugh at me, but I'm about to share a dream.

• 19:46Fortune Feimster?

  I can't wait.

• 19:48Tig Notaro?

  I have always want, and I don't even know if I'd be good at it, but God, I hope I am, because I want to do this one day. I want to tap dance.

• 19:58Fortune Feimster?

  Tig.

• 19:59Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 19:59Fortune Feimster?

  This is also my dream.

• 20:01Tig Notaro?

  No, Fortune.

• 20:03Fortune Feimster?

  Tig.

• 20:03Tig Notaro?

  Let's take tap dancing lessons.

• 20:09Fortune Feimster?

  I swear to God, as soon as you said that, I'm like, that's mine. Yes.

• 20:14Tig Notaro?

  I have, I think tap dancing is the coolest thing.

• 20:17Fortune Feimster?

  Right?

• 20:18Tig Notaro?

  Yes. Thomas is laughing at us, but just, you know, let's mute his face. I think it is the coolest thing. I want to tap dance. And how many lessons do we need? Because I can do fake tap dancing really well.

• 20:33Fortune Feimster?

  Here's what we should do. We should take lessons together and then host the Oscars.

• 20:38Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 20:39Fortune Feimster?

  Like Billy Crystal.

• 20:40Tig Notaro?

  Oh, right. You can't host the Oscars without knowing how to tap dance.

• 20:45Fortune Feimster?

  Didn't he used to tap dance in his opening moments or like Hugh Jackman or something? We should do it.

• 20:51Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God. We have to. We have to find a tap dance instructor and then just take like, what, a week of tap dance lessons?

• 20:59Fortune Feimster?

  I think we need more than a week. It's not easy.

• 21:02Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay.

• 21:03Fortune Feimster?

  But they do have tap lessons in Hollywood for like beginners and maybe we can convince May to do it too.

• 21:09Tig Notaro?

  Wait a minute. Or we can find tap dance lessons on YouTube. We can film ourselves teaching ourselves through YouTube tutorials.

• 21:21Fortune Feimster?

  I really want to learn to tap dance. And I don't know why I've, I've said this for like 20 years.

• 21:28Tig Notaro?

  Me too, kid. Me too. And I'm like, why am I, why are we not reaching our potential here? All I want to do in life is garden and tap dance.

• 21:40Fortune Feimster?

  Whenever I see like videos of people tapping, I'm just like, that looks amazing.

• 21:45Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God.

• 21:46Fortune Feimster?

  I've just always wanted to be a part of like, an opening monologue. It doesn't, if, if the Oscars don't want us, then like, do they still have the TV land awards?

• 21:57Tig Notaro?

  They're just waiting for us to learn how to tap dance. They want us. They want us.

• 22:04Fortune Feimster?

  I've just always pictured like a tuxedo, just tapping, like our life depends on it.

• 22:11Tig Notaro?

  Okay, wait, here's a great idea. May is doing the monologue and you and I are just tap dancing our faces off while May is giving the monologue. And we're like, you know.

• 22:21Fortune Feimster?

  May's all cool and we're just like, with a top hat.

• 22:25Tig Notaro?

  And May's like, guys, can you keep it down? I have, you know, they're trying to do their monologue and we're like, clickety clackety clackety click.

• 22:33Fortune Feimster?

  I'm trying to introduce Angelina Jolie. We're like, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

• 22:40Fortune Feimster?

  I think this needs to happen. We have to find a class that's not just us and a bunch of like eight year olds. It needs to be like, that's to be like an adult beginner class.

• 22:51Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God. I, okay, fine.

• 22:54Fortune Feimster?

  If we have to do it with eight year olds, fine. Just, they need to know that we're there to host the Oscars.

• 23:00Tig Notaro?

  Right. We have to, and then that should be the very beginning of the, you know, there's probably a bunch of things we have to learn.

• 23:11Fortune Feimster?

  We should document it.

• 23:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like we're, we're trying to prepare for the Oscars.

• 23:15Fortune Feimster?

  And we show it in their Oscar.

• 23:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 23:18Fortune Feimster?

  Roll out.

• 23:19Tig Notaro?

  Opening. And, and we, but we, there's other things that we probably have to learn. And I don't know what they are, but there's things Oscar hosts do.

• 23:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 23:30Tig Notaro?

  That, um.

• 23:31Fortune Feimster?

  There's a right jokes and stuff.

• 23:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we, and we probably need to show us getting our, getting fitted for our gowns and things.

• 23:39Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we're gonna work.

• 23:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we're gonna tap dance in gowns.

• 23:46Tig Notaro?

  But they're not gonna, they're gonna be short gowns, you know, to show off our gowns.

• 23:53Tig Notaro?

  May's in the tux.

• 23:55Fortune Feimster?

  Okay. Why don't you be in the gown and I'm in the tux?

• 24:00Tig Notaro?

  Because people will be like, what's that dude doing in that gown?

• 24:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my gosh, this, I mean, if the Oscars don't tap, tap us.

• 24:11Fortune Feimster?

  To do this.

• 24:12Tig Notaro?

  They of course are.

• 24:14Fortune Feimster?

  They're gonna have, at least they could, let's start the conversations now, Oscars. So we have a year to.

• 24:23Tig Notaro?

  And you think we should for sure start with beginners lessons and not?

• 24:27Fortune Feimster?

  Well, considering we've never tapped in our life, yes.

• 24:32Tig Notaro?

  Okay, okay, it's a good plan.

• 24:33Fortune Feimster?

  Well, we should tell the instructor, hey, just, you know, we're hoping to host the Oscars.

• 24:39Tig Notaro?

  Not hoping, we are preparing.

• 24:41Fortune Feimster?

  Preparing to host the Oscars. So you need to, we need to get this going.

• 24:47Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God, Fortune, it'd be such a funny video because if we said that we are preparing to host the Oscars, they would assume we have been tapped.

• 24:58Fortune Feimster?

  No one has asked us.

• 25:01Tig Notaro?

  But we are no fools. So we are preparing for this and we are showing up ready.

• 25:11Fortune Feimster?

  This is so exciting.

• 25:13Tig Notaro?

  It's so exciting.

• 25:15Fortune Feimster?

  I'm so pumped for this.

• 25:16Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 25:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, what's Hannah's answer?

• 25:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, let's hear from Hannah. It's tap dancing.

• 25:22Speaker 03

  For me, it's Dungeons and Dragons because I love puzzles, board games, fantasy novels, fantasy series, all of that. So I think I would love it. I just have no idea how to break into that world.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  Also, I do fear it would become my entire personality and I would annoy all of my loved ones. But anyways, I really love the pod. Thank you so much for all of the laughs. Bye.

• 25:52Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, thanks. Well, thank you for dredging up. Our secret love of tap dancing and

• 25:57Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 25:59Fortune Feimster?

  Well, thank you when we host the Oscars.

• 26:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, for sure. Thanks to Hannah in Berlin.

• 26:06Fortune Feimster?

  Berlin. Texas.

• 26:13Fortune Feimster?

  I also would like to learn how to play the banjo. To me, the banjo sounds really fun. And every time Steve Martin does it, I'm like, that's so cool.

• 26:21Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I would love to play the banjo.

• 26:24Fortune Feimster?

  Well, what a treat.

• 26:25Tig Notaro?

  What a treat. Endless treat. Submit your questions if you want to be a part of this, this treat. Uh, you can submit those at speakpipe.com/hansampod.

• 26:39Fortune Feimster?

  Give us your questions, because, boy, do we have answers.

• 26:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we really have answers and we are the go to for any questions anybody might have. Also, share this show. Subscribe to YouTube, subscribe to the audio podcasts, wherever you're getting it. Tell your friends and until next time, I mean, shucks.

• 27:01Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it.

• 27:03Tig Notaro?

  Pretty handsome.

• 27:06Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 27:22Fortune Feimster?

  What a podcast. What a podcast.

• 27:28Fortune Feimster?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.