Trace Lysette asks about dating pet peeves

The delightful Trace Lysette ("Transparent", "Hustlers") asks a dating-related question, plus Tig's explanation for Mae's obsession with aliens, hot tubs, Mary Lincoln Todd, and more! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:05Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium professional website.

• 0:23Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 0:55Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANDSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

• 1:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings very subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:36Speaker 03

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• 2:10Fortune Feimster?

  Handsome pot, chatting with friends on the handsome pot. Cheers.

• 2:18Tig Notaro?

  Hello, it is your dear friend Tig Notaro.

• 2:24Fortune Feimster?

  And your friend Fortune Feimster.

• 2:27Mae Martin?

  It's just getting worse. And we're thinking it would be getting better over time.

• 2:30Fortune Feimster?

  Being polite.

• 2:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we're all too polite. I'm Mae Martin as well.

• 2:35Fortune Feimster?

  And we're handsome. Welcome to the show.

• 2:39Tig Notaro?

  Yes, we are very handsome. And we have a show.

• 2:43Mae Martin?

  Is particularly handsome today. If you're watching on YouTube.

• 2:47Tig Notaro?

  That's the only way to find out.

• 2:48Fortune Feimster?

  Someone let their hair grow over the holiday break.

• 2:53Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes. And who is it? We don't know.

• 2:56Mae Martin?

  We don't know.

• 2:57Fortune Feimster?

  You'll never know unless you watch this.

• 2:58Tig Notaro?

  We know. We know.

• 3:01Mae Martin?

  Tig, how are you doing?

• 3:03Tig Notaro?

  I'm doing all right. I'm in, you know, I'm in Toronto. And it is snowing up a storm here.

• 3:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really?

• 3:12Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 3:13Mae Martin?

  Do you have appropriate footwear?

• 3:15Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, good question.

• 3:17Tig Notaro?

  Let's see, probably not.

• 3:19Mae Martin?

  Uh oh, because we know you're accident prone.

• 3:22Tig Notaro?

  Well, I was gonna say, I already beat me to it.

• 3:25Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 3:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I took a massive spill a couple of days ago on set.

• 3:33Mae Martin?

  No.

• 3:34Tig Notaro?

  I was going up to my trailer and my slipper slipped through the step. So my left leg went through the stairs and then I fell back the other way towards the other trailer that's across from mine.

• 3:52Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Tig Notaro?

  And so I have swelling and black and blue knees. And I figured, you know, I'm almost wrapping up my time in Toronto. I might as well see if I can, yeah, probably see if I can get a little injury in there.

• 4:08Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, man, slippers are dangerous. Jax's mom slipped down our stairs in slippers and broke her foot.

• 4:15Mae Martin?

  And were they part of your wardrobe, Tig, or were they your personal slippers?

• 4:19Tig Notaro?

  No, they're just, you know, the slippers you slip on when you're not in your space boots.

• 4:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, right, okay.

• 4:26Tig Notaro?

  You know.

• 4:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:27Fortune Feimster?

  They don't call them slippers for nothing, am I right?

• 4:29Tig Notaro?

  That's right. That is definitely right. And I thought I was gonna be worse off than I was because.

• 4:39Tig Notaro?

  You know, I've had back surgery and so when I, you know, flew back the other way, I was like, oh no, here it comes.

• 4:49Fortune Feimster?

  Are you um limping or anything?

• 4:52Tig Notaro?

  I was limping. Um, it's one of those things where it hurts so bad when it happened that I couldn't put pressure on my right leg when I was trying to get back up into my trailer. And then after I kind of walked it off in my trailer and relaxed a bit, I was doing a lot better. But then I had the full on like, I was in a car accident the day before when I woke up the following day. Where my thumb hurt, where I must have like tried to catch my fall. My shoulder hurt, my back. Um, so anyway, but I'm fine. It's just, it feel, it, it definitely felt like something that

• 5:34Tig Notaro?

  was about to be really terrible when it was hap- oh, everything's better now.

• 5:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah, there's Biggie.

• 5:40Fortune Feimster?

  I felt like you needed to see Biggie.

• 5:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I always need to see that little.

• 5:46Fortune Feimster?

  His eyes are dead. Remember when you said he had dead eyes? Look how alive those eyes are.

• 5:52Mae Martin?

  I don't remember you saying that tag, but it sounds like something.

• 5:55Fortune Feimster?

  The eyes are alive with the sound of Biggie.

• 5:59Tig Notaro?

  I was gonna say our son Linus, but it's our cat who I call little son.

• 6:07Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh, that is torturous.

• 6:09Fortune Feimster?

  Look how gorgeous he is.

• 6:12Tig Notaro?

  I think he is a gorgeous dog. I think he's maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. I feel like there's not a lot going on behind those.

• 6:22Fortune Feimster?

  What, don't even finish that sentence.

• 6:25Tig Notaro?

  Okay, but they remind me of my son Linus's eyes. You know, I mean,

• 6:32Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 6:32Tig Notaro?

  Just makes them all the cuter.

• 6:35Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 6:35Tig Notaro?

  If there's not much going on back there, it's like, oh, how dare you with that face?

• 6:41Mae Martin?

  I don't like a, like cat that looks like it's plotting something, you know, plotting to kill you.

• 6:46Fortune Feimster?

  A lot of cats are plotting something.

• 6:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:49Tig Notaro?

  Not Linus, not Linus. He has no plan for anything. Except snacks and some uh little rubbies.

• 7:00Tig Notaro?

  On his head.

• 7:02Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 7:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Fortune, what are you up to?

• 7:05Fortune Feimster?

  I've been busy. My special came out, you know, a bit ago.

• 7:09Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 7:09Tig Notaro?

  Congrats again and always and forever.

• 7:12Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you. If you haven't watched it, crushing it on Netflix, it was super cool. Was in the top 10 on Netflix for a while.

• 7:20Mae Martin?

  Yes. That's crazy.

• 7:22Fortune Feimster?

  That made me really proud. And yeah, so my whole December up until the holidays was like constant press and promotion.

• 7:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:32Fortune Feimster?

  Um, so.

• 7:34Mae Martin?

  Do you find yourself saying the same sentences over and over? Like you get self-conscious? Cause people are asking you the same questions and you're like, I kind of mix up what I'm saying.

• 7:42Fortune Feimster?

  And yeah, cause it's just, you know, you're just like, I don't know. It's, I worked really hard on it. Just watch it.

• 7:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:49Tig Notaro?

  I know it's, I've had people call me out on saying the same thing and press.

• 7:54Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 7:55Tig Notaro?

  And I'm, yeah. And I'm like, this isn't my fault. I'm being asked the same questions. And that is the answer to the question.

• 8:04Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 8:04Fortune Feimster?

  That's so funny. I did hear a lot from our handsome listeners, cause I had two little handsome Easter eggs in the special.

• 8:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:13Fortune Feimster?

  Right off the top, keeping it handsome.

• 8:16Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 8:16Fortune Feimster?

  And then pretty little lady.

• 8:18Mae Martin?

  Are you guys invested in the wicked press tour?

• 8:23Fortune Feimster?

  I'm very invested.

• 8:26Mae Martin?

  I've been really enjoying it.

• 8:27Fortune Feimster?

  Did you go see it?

• 8:28Mae Martin?

  No, I haven't seen it yet, but I've loved, you know, the thing that's gone viral is, I think it's Ariana Grande holding the finger and saying, I'm holding space for, for Elphaba or something like that. And they're, and they're really tearful. It just seems, it's been a very emotional press tour.

• 8:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 8:45Mae Martin?

  The level of earnestness surrounding the story of these witches.

• 8:50Fortune Feimster?

  I know the interviewer Tracy who interviewed them and said, and it went viral a couple of weeks ago, like where Tracy was very earnest, like you said, interviewing them, saying, you know, people are really holding space for this movie.

• 9:08Mae Martin?

  And they're like, thank you so much.

• 9:10Fortune Feimster?

  Each other, Ariana and Cynthia and like started holding hands. And then Ariana started like tapping Cynthia's fingers and. And then Cindy looked emotional and then they were like, oh my God, that's amazing. I didn't know that. That's so. And then Tracy's like, I'm in the queer media. And, and then they're like, oh, oh my gosh, that's so amazing. Well, it came out afterwards, they did an interview on that interview and basically said, Ariana was like, I didn't know what that meant. And then Cindy was like, I didn't know what it meant. And then what? They're like, we just thought like it felt big and serious. So we needed to treat it that way.

• 9:51Tig Notaro?

  No way.

• 9:52Fortune Feimster?

  And Cynthia, who is, who is queer.

• 9:55Tig Notaro?

  It felt big and serious.

• 9:57Fortune Feimster?

  Cynthia was like, I didn't even know like what queer media was. Am I in queer media? Cool.

• 10:04Mae Martin?

  Oh my God, that's so funny.

• 10:05Fortune Feimster?

  It was so funny just seeing this them reflect on making something so big that no one really understood.

• 10:14Mae Martin?

  Wait, okay.

• 10:15Tig Notaro?

  So funny.

• 10:16Mae Martin?

  Tell me something really like banal, but, but as if it's big and serious. And then I'll react like it's big and serious.

• 10:24Fortune Feimster?

  May, your hair, now that it's brown,

• 10:32Fortune Feimster?

  um, has made all of us

• 10:35Fortune Feimster?

  hold that in our hearts in a way that we didn't know it would. And has meant something to us that I can't really put into words, right, Tig?

• 10:48Mae Martin?

  And I just want to, I want to thank you so much for, um, the bravery that it took to say that. And I want to hold that in my heart. And I really want to just.

• 10:59Tig Notaro?

  Absolutely.

• 11:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And, and you Tig as well.

• 11:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:03Mae Martin?

  Just.

• 11:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, don't, let's not exclude Tig. We want it to be inclusive of everyone.

• 11:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah. You know, I wasn't as funny as I thought I would be, but fortune really rose to the occasion.

• 11:13Tig Notaro?

  Oh, was this a bit?

• 11:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, this was a bit, but.

• 11:16Tig Notaro?

  Oh, cause I thought we were like.

• 11:18Fortune Feimster?

  In a moment.

• 11:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I was like, I'm on board.

• 11:22Fortune Feimster?

  For your hair.

• 11:23Tig Notaro?

  I have a, I have a question.

• 11:25Mae Martin?

  Sure.

• 11:26Tig Notaro?

  Is it Ariana or Ariana?

• 11:28Fortune Feimster?

  Our, I thought it's Ariana.

• 11:30Tig Notaro?

  I thought it was Ariana.

• 11:31Mae Martin?

  It's Ponties.

• 11:32Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, can you look up her name? Because Stephanie said Ariana the other day and I was like, oh, it's Ariana. And then May just said Ariana.

• 11:40Speaker 05

  I'm pretty sure it's Ariana.

• 11:42Mae Martin?

  Ah. Did I say Ariana?

• 11:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:45Fortune Feimster?

  That the interviewer Tracy, who's really awesome and does a really phenomenal job with interviews. You guys have probably been interviewed by her at some point. She's really embraced it too, and has even done like some sponsored ads with it. I'm like, you go. That is unbelievable. Like, I just love that everyone's having fun with it.

• 12:06Mae Martin?

  There's T-shirts like holding space and it's a picture of two fingers, holding a finger. It's, yeah.

• 12:13Fortune Feimster?

  I love it.

• 12:13Tig Notaro?

  Is that true?

• 12:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah. I like it when we realize we all like have the same sense of humor as a species, you know?

• 12:20Fortune Feimster?

  Well, Ariana was even like, I don't even know why I started tapping your fingers. Just you looked like you were about to cry. So I just, she was, it felt big, so I just wanted to be there.

• 12:33Fortune Feimster?

  But that movie was phenomenal. I went with my mom over right before the holidays and I loved the stage version as well. It's been a while since I'd seen it, but I just thought they just nailed the movie. It was long, but I was invested the whole time and literally during Defying Gravity, my jaw, I didn't realize was like open.

• 12:56Mae Martin?

  No.

• 12:57Fortune Feimster?

  The whole scene. Yeah.

• 12:59Tig Notaro?

  Was Jax not with you?

• 13:00Fortune Feimster?

  Jax hates musicals.

• 13:03Mae Martin?

  Of course.

• 13:05Fortune Feimster?

  She said, go with God, please. Go with your mother and enjoy.

• 13:10Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie took Max and Finn.

• 13:13Mae Martin?

  Did they lose their minds?

• 13:14Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie lost her mind. Max was very into it. Finn was, I guess, slow to come around to it, but he liked it. Yeah.

• 13:27Mae Martin?

  That's great.

• 13:28Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie said she wants to go see it again and wants me to go with her. So.

• 13:34Mae Martin?

  I did an improv show with Stephanie the other night and one of the suggestions for the scene was like a Mae Martin biopic or something. So Stephanie comes in as an actor playing me in a biopic and just sort of eviscerates me with her impersonation of me. It was so funny.

• 13:52Fortune Feimster?

  What did Stephanie do?

• 13:53Mae Martin?

  She started doing this crab walk, like this really jittery little like crab sideways walk. And it was like having to look at myself. I was like, oh, wow. Yeah, I'm a crab. I'm a crab. She's like, hell, go. It was very funny.

• 14:08Tig Notaro?

  I think she said that show was really fun.

• 14:10Mae Martin?

  That was super fun. Yeah.

• 14:12Fortune Feimster?

  Are you glad to be back and doing the Largo shows again?

• 14:15Mae Martin?

  Oh, man, so glad. Yeah, Largo's the best. Those shows are the best.

• 14:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 14:19Mae Martin?

  But all the, all the questions in the question bucket are like, because maybe people listen to this podcast and they like, follow all, so there's a lot of questions about the pod being on, and then there's a lot of like, are you okay? How are you? What's going on?

• 14:33Fortune Feimster?

  Are you okay?

• 14:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm all right, you know, lifting weights and crying, you know, the usual. I'm doing a lot of paintings of animals. I'm, I'm painting a lot of,

• 14:44Mae Martin?

  animals of all kinds.

• 14:47Mae Martin?

  And I found that very healing. But otherwise, no, I'm good.

• 14:50Fortune Feimster?

  You're good, all right.

• 14:51Mae Martin?

  Watching Tom Cruise movies. I told Tig about this on a mini episode. I've been watching a lot of like Cocktail, Days of Thunder.

• 14:58Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, the classics.

• 15:01Mae Martin?

  And yesterday I went to Pomona with my friend Joe and I did two.

• 15:06Fortune Feimster?

  Escape room?

• 15:06Mae Martin?

  Yep, you got it. You could solid.

• 15:09Fortune Feimster?

  I knew it.

• 15:10Mae Martin?

  Two horror escape rooms and one of them had a, a mad scientist in it, which I feel like they used to be around a lot and they're not around as much, but it was, he was, he had no.

• 15:19Tig Notaro?

  You mean like they're, they're more kind of pulled together now?

• 15:23Fortune Feimster?

  Now they're just billionaires.

• 15:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:25Mae Martin?

  That's true. Now they're,

• 15:28Mae Martin?

  no, there was this, and he, he was a blind murdering scientist and he would come in the room and you had to freeze and stay really still and he'd like feel around for you. And if he got you, he was going to stab you with a syringe. It was so.

• 15:40Fortune Feimster?

  An actual person?

• 15:41Mae Martin?

  Yes, it was so scary.

• 15:43Fortune Feimster?

  What's happening in Pomona?

• 15:45Mae Martin?

  A lot is happening.

• 15:47Fortune Feimster?

  I love that you drive to go to these escape rooms.

• 15:50Tig Notaro?

  May doesn't drive. May takes a black SUV Uber.

• 15:56Fortune Feimster?

  It has been over, our podcast is now a minute in. We're what, a year, a year and change.

• 16:03Mae Martin?

  Well, we made it past April. Yeah.

• 16:05Fortune Feimster?

  We did make it past April. You said at the beginning of this pod, you were learning to drive. What's happening?

• 16:10Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:12Mae Martin?

  Well, not to make excuses, but I.

• 16:15Tig Notaro?

  Let's hear it.

• 16:16Mae Martin?

  In order to start my lessons.

• 16:17Fortune Feimster?

  Let's see what you got.

• 16:20Mae Martin?

  My internet went down, so I couldn't.

• 16:24Mae Martin?

  No, I.

• 16:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but it's past 10 a.m.

• 16:27Fortune Feimster?

  10:30 it comes back on.

• 16:29Mae Martin?

  Take the lessons again. I need my learner's permit, which I have and I wrote the test and everything, but I've lost it. So I reordered one from the DMV and it takes weeks to arrive and I'm waiting on it. And then you better believe I'm gonna be zooming around.

• 16:43Fortune Feimster?

  I really want you to 25 to be the year of you driving and driving well.

• 16:50Mae Martin?

  Hmm. Yes. Well, a psychic told me that 2025 was gonna be a year of big growth and exploration for me and that 2026 was gonna be nesting and being happy.

• 17:03Fortune Feimster?

  There you go. Guess how you um, uh, explore?

• 17:08Mae Martin?

  Uh.

• 17:09Fortune Feimster?

  With a car.

• 17:09Mae Martin?

  Orgy?

• 17:10Fortune Feimster?

  Oh. God dang it.

• 17:12Mae Martin?

  How do you explore with a, oh yeah, with a drive, with a car?

• 17:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Driving, exploring.

• 17:18Mae Martin?

  You drive to uncharted.

• 17:19Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, orgies too, I guess.

• 17:22Tig Notaro?

  Car orgies.

• 17:23Mae Martin?

  I could drive to an orgy.

• 17:24Fortune Feimster?

  You have to drive to an orgy?

• 17:30Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house? My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 17:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 17:59Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 18:21Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you. Name it. Wayfair has all of that. I use Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 18:49Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 19:03Speaker 00

  Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 19:05Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 19:26Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 19:50Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 20:11Tig Notaro?

  Wait, do people ever take buses to orgies?

• 20:14Fortune Feimster?

  I bet someone has.

• 20:15Tig Notaro?

  You could have the whole bus unload.

• 20:17Mae Martin?

  Unload?

• 20:18Fortune Feimster?

  You couldn't go to a, you couldn't go to a key party, though.

• 20:22Mae Martin?

  No, that's true.

• 20:23Fortune Feimster?

  It's just your house keys.

• 20:24Tig Notaro?

  Use your house key, yeah.

• 20:25Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 20:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 20:26Fortune Feimster?

  No one's ever invited me to an orgy.

• 20:29Mae Martin?

  I'll invite you.

• 20:30Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 20:31Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I can watch. I don't want to participate.

• 20:34Mae Martin?

  No, you could sit on the sidelines.

• 20:36Tig Notaro?

  Wait, Fortune, you do not. You don't want to participate in an orgy?

• 20:41Fortune Feimster?

  No, Tig.

• 20:43Mae Martin?

  You and Jax can definitely come and watch.

• 20:46Fortune Feimster?

  This is a lights off, buddy.

• 20:49Mae Martin?

  You always say that, but I'm not buying it.

• 20:51Fortune Feimster?

  I'm telling you.

• 20:52Tig Notaro?

  Let's say we turn the lights out, then would you get like?

• 20:55Fortune Feimster?

  No, I still, I can't.

• 20:58Tig Notaro?

  You're a little interested.

• 21:01Fortune Feimster?

  But Jax definitely would want to come, I think.

• 21:04Tig Notaro?

  And would she want to be a part of it or she wants to just watch?

• 21:08Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 21:13Mae Martin?

  Do you think this podcast would survive if you and Jax and you and Stephanie came and sat in sofas and watched me have an orgy? Would we recover?

• 21:22Fortune Feimster?

  We would have a lot to talk about on the podcast and honestly, worth it.

• 21:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we would have a lot of a wealth of material. It'd be like, now, what was going on when, uh, when that happened?

• 21:33Tig Notaro?

  I have terrible eyesight, so I would be like.

• 21:37Fortune Feimster?

  Out of it.

• 21:37Tig Notaro?

  What was that? Was that an elbow? What just went up in the air?

• 21:41Fortune Feimster?

  Tig, would you come watch?

• 21:43Tig Notaro?

  Would I watch what? May have an orgy?

• 21:46Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 21:47Mae Martin?

  Wait, I want to clarify. I don't actually want either of you to come watch.

• 21:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, right.

• 21:52Fortune Feimster?

  Now you're no fun.

• 21:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, right.

• 21:55Fortune Feimster?

  I thought 2025 was gonna be fun.

• 21:57Mae Martin?

  Wait, I feel like we're playing chicken because if you're like, no, I actually want to, then I'll probably be like, yeah, okay.

• 22:02Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 22:03Mae Martin?

  Then I feel like you're gonna.

• 22:04Tig Notaro?

  I'd like to go, but I can't promise I'm not gonna heckle the whole time.

• 22:08Fortune Feimster?

  That's true. Tig would be heckling.

• 22:10Tig Notaro?

  What would you be doing?

• 22:12Fortune Feimster?

  I think I'd be sweating on a couch. So nervous, like I'm seeing something I shouldn't be seeing.

• 22:19Mae Martin?

  Maybe we'll put you guys behind like a two-way mirror.

• 22:22Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 22:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, and y'all don't know we're there. This feels like a big setup for an orgy that should happen unfold naturally.

• 22:30Tig Notaro?

  I got a great idea. May's having an orgy. Fortune and I are in the, the horse costume.

• 22:38Tig Notaro?

  We we clomp in.

• 22:41Fortune Feimster?

  And no one notices us.

• 22:43Tig Notaro?

  And Thomas is writing the words.

• 22:45Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 22:46Tig Notaro?

  Nothing to see here.

• 22:48Mae Martin?

  We've got everything organized, except I just need to find people to have an orgy with now.

• 22:52Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

• 22:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Fortune Feimster?

  Don't you think, Tig?

• 22:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I think I think you're gonna get a good roundup.

• 22:59Mae Martin?

  I don't know.

• 23:00Fortune Feimster?

  Do you feel like that this is in your future?

• 23:02Mae Martin?

  People are coupled up, you know, people, um.

• 23:05Fortune Feimster?

  That doesn't seem to stop anyone in LA.

• 23:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, there's couples that spin loose for that kind of thing.

• 23:12Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone's just spinning loose around here.

• 23:15Mae Martin?

  Okay, well, I'll surprise you when you show up. It'll be a surprise roster.

• 23:20Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 23:20Fortune Feimster?

  May lives in a whole different world than us.

• 23:23Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 23:23Mae Martin?

  No, I don't. This is a fictional.

• 23:25Fortune Feimster?

  It's a fictional world.

• 23:26Mae Martin?

  This is a hypothetical. Really, I'm doing paintings of animals and.

• 23:31Fortune Feimster?

  Will you let us know if it does? I I don't I'm not saying to invite us. We probably won't be invited.

• 23:37Tig Notaro?

  I'm saying to invite us.

• 23:40Fortune Feimster?

  But will you at least let us know if it happened?

• 23:43Mae Martin?

  I feel like I'm gonna invite you and then I'm gonna you're you're gonna say to other people, oh, my God, I was just joking. And then I got an earnest invite to an orgy from May.

• 23:53Fortune Feimster?

  It was on evite.com.

• 23:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 23:57Tig Notaro?

  We got an evite to an orgy.

• 24:01Fortune Feimster?

  And it's like, please respond. Please let us know. We need to know how many how much snacks to buy.

• 24:09Tig Notaro?

  For an orgy.

• 24:10Fortune Feimster?

  Gosh, 2025 is already off to a great start.

• 24:13Mae Martin?

  Great start.

• 24:14Fortune Feimster?

  I'm excited for you, May.

• 24:16Mae Martin?

  Thank you. Well, I've got I've got a I've got an album tour coming up and doing like.

• 24:22Tig Notaro?

  You have an album tour and an orgy coming up?

• 24:24Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa, this is a lot.

• 24:26Tig Notaro?

  Would you take the orgy on the road?

• 24:28Mae Martin?

  You mean like as a show?

• 24:29Tig Notaro?

  Wait a minute. Who is your dream orgy group?

• 24:34Mae Martin?

  Oh, good question.

• 24:36Tig Notaro?

  I knew it was as soon as my pea brain dug it up.

• 24:41Mae Martin?

  I'm yes, you both have to also answer and you can't do this.

• 24:44Tig Notaro?

  People that are not even remotely interested in an orgy have to. Okay.

• 24:49Mae Martin?

  You have to answer and you can't go, well, I don't know.

• 24:51Fortune Feimster?

  It might take me a while to answer this. Uh, Jen Aniston, Sandy Bullock, Charlize Theron.

• 25:00Mae Martin?

  And takes like Carrie Russell.

• 25:03Fortune Feimster?

  I used to call her Charlize Theron, but it's Therin.

• 25:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:07Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I thought it.

• 25:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I heard her say her own name. I was like, oh, those three probably don't want me in it. But again, I can sit on a couch and watch.

• 25:17Tig Notaro?

  They're like, oh, Fortune, hi, what are you doing here? We were just having a friendly orgy.

• 25:24Fortune Feimster?

  I'm eating a charcuterie and just enjoying my time.

• 25:28Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know, you can't say charcuterie.

• 25:31Fortune Feimster?

  Without cooter.

• 25:34Mae Martin?

  Dream orgy. Okay, I'm going a young Robert Plant.

• 25:40Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay.

• 25:42Mae Martin?

  In his tight pants. Um, Penelope Cruz.

• 25:46Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 25:48Mae Martin?

  Young Javier Bardem.

• 25:51Fortune Feimster?

  That España pasión.

• 25:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Um.

• 25:58Fortune Feimster?

  Big spices.

• 26:01Tig Notaro?

  Is what?

• 26:02Fortune Feimster?

  Killing me.

• 26:03Tig Notaro?

  Is what?

• 26:08Mae Martin?

  Um, Scary Spice in the nineties, mid nineties Scary Spice.

• 26:13Fortune Feimster?

  Melanie.

• 26:14Tig Notaro?

  You don't want current Scary Spice?

• 26:16Fortune Feimster?

  Or Mel.

• 26:16Mae Martin?

  Or or current. Um, all three witches from Hocus Pocus.

• 26:21Tig Notaro?

  Wow. Is there a cutoff with who, how many can get in?

• 26:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, this seems like a lot.

• 26:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you know, I'm gonna leave out the witches.

• 26:29Tig Notaro?

  You have to have a big house. You're like, no, I just need, you know, a king size bed, but that's a lot.

• 26:35Fortune Feimster?

  That is a lot of people.

• 26:36Mae Martin?

  You'd be surprised. That's sort of part of it.

• 26:38Fortune Feimster?

  This better be a big, like, um, living room. I don't know where it happens.

• 26:44Tig Notaro?

  Okay, Hocus Pocus is there.

• 26:47Mae Martin?

  I'm leaving them off, so I'm gonna stick with for now, in this particular moment, young Robert Plant, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz.

• 26:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:56Mae Martin?

  Scary Spice.

• 26:58Fortune Feimster?

  But how do we get someone back in time?

• 27:00Tig Notaro?

  Like Abe Lincoln?

• 27:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah. How do we get Abe?

• 27:04Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I did just see Oh, Mary on Broadway. So funny.

• 27:07Mae Martin?

  Was it amazing? Yeah.

• 27:09Fortune Feimster?

  It's about a made up version of Abe Lincoln and Mary Lincoln Todd. It's so good. Cole is like unbelievable. Anyway.

• 27:17Tig Notaro?

  Is her name Mary Lincoln Todd?

• 27:19Fortune Feimster?

  Wasn't that?

• 27:20Tig Notaro?

  It's not Mary Todd Lincoln?

• 27:22Fortune Feimster?

  Probably.

• 27:24Tig Notaro?

  Todd Todd Lincoln Mary. Whatever.

• 27:27Fortune Feimster?

  Orgies on the brain. Tig, I can't be accurate.

• 27:31Tig Notaro?

  I wasn't, I wasn't trying to correct you. I truly was, I, you know, I barely have education.

• 27:38Mae Martin?

  Tig, what's your?

• 27:39Tig Notaro?

  She's like, I'll marry you, but I'm keeping my.

• 27:44Tig Notaro?

  I'm really progressive in the mid 1800s here.

• 27:51Mae Martin?

  Who's your orgy roster Tig?

• 27:55Fortune Feimster?

  I had to think about it too.

• 27:57Mae Martin?

  I know, but you're not really a celeb person. So this is tough for you. Like you're not.

• 28:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, so this is all celebs?

• 28:03Mae Martin?

  Well, I've gone with celebs.

• 28:04Fortune Feimster?

  What are we gonna do? Be like, and there's Janice?

• 28:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, my friend Brad.

• 28:09Tig Notaro?

  Accounting?

• 28:14Fortune Feimster?

  It's gonna be Jen Anderson and then old Janice over there.

• 28:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I definitely gotta get Christopher from.

• 28:21Tig Notaro?

  I sit next to on the bus.

• 28:24Fortune Feimster?

  And then the barista in our neighborhood.

• 28:30Tig Notaro?

  For me, it's weird because yes, I think people are attractive. I think Carrie Russell is attractive. Word is out, but do I think she's sexy? I don't know. You know, it's like I have to meet people to find out if they're sexy.

• 28:47Mae Martin?

  Oh, man, that's so true.

• 28:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't find people sexy just because they're beautiful.

• 28:53Mae Martin?

  Yes, agreed, agreed. I probably said this, but when I went to the, this like, I was a plus one at some fancy gala thing. And it was like all the objectively most beautiful people in the world, but everyone was just, I don't know. No one had any vibes or, or good banter. Everyone was so on edge.

• 29:13Tig Notaro?

  And I'm not saying Carrie Russell doesn't have vibes or.

• 29:16Fortune Feimster?

  She seems delightful. She rides her bike to work.

• 29:19Tig Notaro?

  Okay, I'm all in.

• 29:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:21Tig Notaro?

  I was a long distance cyclist.

• 29:23Mae Martin?

  But you mean, you can't just say based on looks because you might be really turned off. You start talking to them and they're just like.

• 29:28Fortune Feimster?

  Turned.

• 29:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Um, so I guess it's, let's see for my orgy so far, it's me and Carrie Russell.

• 29:36Fortune Feimster?

  I have had all three of mine and they're, they seem pretty great.

• 29:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Even if they don't want to have an orgy, if we could just have dinner.

• 29:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:46Fortune Feimster?

  Or a charcuterie board.

• 29:47Tig Notaro?

  Your number? We could have some fun texting or something. I don't know.

• 29:52Fortune Feimster?

  We just had a hot chocolate together.

• 29:54Tig Notaro?

  Could you acknowledge me if you saw me?

• 29:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yep.

• 29:57Tig Notaro?

  Um, yeah, I don't know who I think is, I mean, yeah, Pitbull.

• 30:03Fortune Feimster?

  Pitbull.

• 30:05Tig Notaro?

  Pitbull, Carrie Russell.

• 30:08Mae Martin?

  The wildest.

• 30:10Fortune Feimster?

  Mister Worldwide is invited?

• 30:13Tig Notaro?

  Why not? I'm sure Carrie's into Pitbull.

• 30:16Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want a wiener in mine.

• 30:18Tig Notaro?

  Well, I mean, I'm just, you know, just to have him there because I have to fill space because I have to act like I find other people attractive outside of Carrie Russell. So I'm like, sure, let's bring in Pitbull. Yeah.

• 30:33Fortune Feimster?

  He's like, dolly.

• 30:37Tig Notaro?

  And he's like, why is Tig in here?

• 30:40Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. What if he tries to take over or mansplain?

• 30:43Mae Martin?

  You won't let him. Tig won't let him.

• 30:44Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 30:45Mae Martin?

  You just gotta lay down the law.

• 30:46Tig Notaro?

  Cause I'm going to have a mustache on, you know?

• 30:48Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:48Tig Notaro?

  He's not, he's not going to know what's up.

• 30:50Mae Martin?

  He'd be really relieved, I think, to have someone, to have someone take control. I think deep down, he probably just doesn't want to have to be Pitbull all this time, you know?

• 30:59Fortune Feimster?

  I think Jack should come to my orgy too.

• 31:01Tig Notaro?

  Who?

• 31:02Fortune Feimster?

  She would, Jack, she would like this.

• 31:05Tig Notaro?

  Okay. I have in addition to the orgy.

• 31:08Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 31:08Tig Notaro?

  I used to have a full blown crush on Drew Barrymore.

• 31:12Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 31:13Tig Notaro?

  And she just feels like somebody you just gotta throw in the orgy.

• 31:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 31:18Tig Notaro?

  Cause she's so fun.

• 31:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Fortune Feimster?

  And she talks really close.

• 31:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. She's intense. She's fun. Yeah. And so it's like, sure. All right. It's me, Pitbull, Drew Barrymore.

• 31:30Fortune Feimster?

  Drew Barrymore would be the one that's like, okay, you guys, this is what we needs to happen. Like Drew would be kind of like planning things.

• 31:39Mae Martin?

  I feel like she'd be also good at like aftercare, like after the orgy should be checking in, is ever, how's everyone doing?

• 31:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys have a good time?

• 31:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. So how's my orgy looking?

• 31:50Mae Martin?

  It's looking pretty hot.

• 31:51Fortune Feimster?

  Still throwing me off.

• 31:52Mae Martin?

  Pitbull's throwing you off? I'm into it.

• 31:55Fortune Feimster?

  I know you're into it.

• 31:56Tig Notaro?

  Why does Pitbull throw you off? He's obviously the hottest guy.

• 32:00Fortune Feimster?

  Not what I expected from you.

• 32:02Mae Martin?

  He's obviously the hottest guy. My favorite.

• 32:06Fortune Feimster?

  Not what I expected from you. I will say I have met him back in the day when I did Chelsea lately, and he does smell really, really good.

• 32:14Tig Notaro?

  He looks like he would.

• 32:16Fortune Feimster?

  Like expensive cologne. He smelled amazing, so you will have that.

• 32:21Tig Notaro?

  You think he's gonna put on cheap cologne?

• 32:22Fortune Feimster?

  I did not know. I know for a fact he's not going to put on cheap cologne.

• 32:27Mae Martin?

  Do you guys like when people wear perfume and cologne? Or do you find it like overwhelming? I love it, but.

• 32:32Fortune Feimster?

  I like it.

• 32:34Tig Notaro?

  I'm not into perfume.

• 32:35Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not into perfume. I like a nice cologne on a man.

• 32:40Tig Notaro?

  Same. I like a man with cologne. I, uh, I'm not terribly crazy about perfume.

• 32:46Mae Martin?

  Okay, you both hate women.

• 32:48Fortune Feimster?

  Cause some of them have, some perfumes have that like old lady musty.

• 32:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's.

• 32:52Fortune Feimster?

  Closet smell.

• 32:53Tig Notaro?

  What are you saying about old ladies?

• 32:55Fortune Feimster?

  I love old ladies. You've heard me talk about Betty White.

• 33:00Tig Notaro?

  Why isn't she in your bed?

• 33:04Tig Notaro?

  You can throw a corpse in there.

• 33:06Fortune Feimster?

  Totes in there with her vodka and her hot dogs.

• 33:12Tig Notaro?

  That's all you need for an orgy is vodka and hot dogs.

• 33:15Fortune Feimster?

  She had a hot dog every day and drank a vodka.

• 33:18Tig Notaro?

  Do you really believe those? Like that's really like every day she had a hot dog and vodka.

• 33:25Fortune Feimster?

  At least once, at least every week.

• 33:28Tig Notaro?

  Every time somebody asks an old person, how, how did you live this long? It's like, I had whiskey and I drank, I had, I smoked a cigar before bed and I never took a walk.

• 33:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:41Tig Notaro?

  And it's like, okay.

• 33:42Mae Martin?

  That's true.

• 33:43Tig Notaro?

  Meanwhile, I'm over here eating everything green and then I fall off my stairs into my trailer.

• 33:48Mae Martin?

  Your slipper.

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• 34:27Tig Notaro?

  Did we already do all of our orgy talk?

• 34:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we did it.

• 34:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, this is definitely not how I thought we'd be starting our year, but I love it.

• 34:38Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 34:39Mae Martin?

  Me too.

• 34:39Tig Notaro?

  Surprise.

• 34:40Mae Martin?

  I'm so excited about our questioner today. She is one of my favorite actresses. Today's question asker is an actress best known for playing Shay on Transparent, Tracey in the hit movie Hustlers, and the titular role in Monica, which is, if you haven't seen Monica, it's so beautiful. It's such an amazing performance. And she was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for that. She's also very funny and a talented musician, an advocate, an activist for the trans community. Trace Lysette is asking today's question.

• 35:12Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 35:13Speaker 06

  Hey, handsome. Uh, what's a pet peeve for you on a date?

• 35:22Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm. Hmm. A pet peeve?

• 35:25Tig Notaro?

  Got right down to it with that question, huh?

• 35:27Mae Martin?

  I know, no messing around, just right.

• 35:29Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 35:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, Trace, Trace doesn't play. I love Trace. I love always running into each other at parties and we always laugh.

• 35:40Tig Notaro?

  Thanks for the act out.

• 35:41Mae Martin?

  Wait, do it again.

• 35:42Fortune Feimster?

  You're welcome. This is how Trace and I laugh together.

• 35:49Mae Martin?

  I don't like when people order soup as a starter.

• 35:51Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 35:52Mae Martin?

  Like, it feels weird to be putting all this liquid in your stomach and then you just are dropping a solid into the liquid and splooshing it around. I don't know.

• 36:01Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 36:02Mae Martin?

  It used to be bigger.

• 36:03Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, May.

• 36:05Mae Martin?

  Like, in the 90s, everyone was ordering a carrot soup to start, and then now, thank God, it's fallen out of fashion.

• 36:13Fortune Feimster?

  What if it's cold outside?

• 36:15Mae Martin?

  Then have a soup with some toast, sure, but don't have a starter that's just... There's something about it that freaks me out. And then I don't like when people don't ask you any questions about yourself.

• 36:28Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:28Mae Martin?

  The worst.

• 36:31Fortune Feimster?

  Like, what would you want people to ask you?

• 36:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, God. About aliens, about childhood trauma, you know, whatever, anything. But it is amazing.

• 36:44Fortune Feimster?

  You want to get to the childhood trauma right away? Well, the childhood trauma is why there are aliens.

• 36:51Mae Martin?

  What do you mean?

• 36:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, what you just said actually cut to the core of my whole psychology. Wait, Tig.

• 37:03Fortune Feimster?

  If you have childhood trauma. Then you're asking about aliens. Yeah, then you probably...

• 37:10Mae Martin?

  Like, that's why I fixate on weird existential... Oh, my God, Tig, you're so... Just effortlessly. Years of therapy I don't need anymore. You're so right. It's escapism. Oh, my God.

• 37:27Fortune Feimster?

  Escape rooms, you're always trying to get out.

• 37:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yes.

• 37:31Fortune Feimster?

  Sting.

• 37:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck, yeah, okay, so that's what I want.

• 37:38Fortune Feimster?

  Childhood trauma on the first date seems like a lot to me.

• 37:41Mae Martin?

  I mean, let's say trauma with a small s. Like, I like, a guy told me that...

• 37:47Fortune Feimster?

  With a small s or a small t?

• 37:49Mae Martin?

  Oh, wait, yeah, where'd I get the s?

• 37:54Tig Notaro?

  For small.

• 37:55Fortune Feimster?

  I said Mary Lincoln.

• 38:01Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. Okay, small teeth.

• 38:04Fortune Feimster?

  We're on one today.

• 38:06Mae Martin?

  A guy told me that he, when he was five, he, he traveled from Ireland to the United States and he was living there with his family for a year and he'd never seen snow before and he was so excited and he kind of thought he had a rapport with his bus driver and it was the first time he was getting on a yellow school bus, like, uh, like that, you know, he'd just moved to the States. And so he found this big icicle and he thought, I'm gonna give this to the bus driver. He's my buddy. He's five years old and he's so excited. He's got this big icicle and he gets on the bus and he's like, I got this for you. And the bus driver just takes it and throws it into the garbage beside him and starts the bus. And it's like, that was a defining moment for him where his innocence died and he was excited about something and then an adult kind of crushed his spirit. And to me, that story

• 38:51Mae Martin?

  is a big aphrodisiac.

• 38:53Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 38:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I want to know those types of stories on a date, especially if you can tell it funny.

• 38:59Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'm really just thinking about what you're saying because it's been a while since I've had a first kind of, I'm thinking like more first dates, you know, or early dates.

• 39:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 39:10Fortune Feimster?

  And that's been a really long time.

• 39:13Mae Martin?

  I like to know those little, specific moments from people's lives that are really specific.

• 39:18Fortune Feimster?

  I do like, I like to learn that stuff too, as we go, but I think if someone were to share all of that, like first or second date, it would be a red flag for me.

• 39:29Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 39:30Tig Notaro?

  If they went immediately into trauma.

• 39:31Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I would be like, this is gonna be like a trauma bonding situation.

• 39:37Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 39:37Fortune Feimster?

  Where we're gonna be feeding off each other's like neuroses and

• 39:44Mae Martin?

  I see.

• 39:44Fortune Feimster?

  You know, where we're not like, it's not the healthiest match.

• 39:48Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm. Well, the main thing I want to do is escape rooms and stuff. But yeah, if, I guess if first date, if someone gets the drink and sits down at the table and is like, well, when I was five, I found this icicle, he'd be like, yeah.

• 39:59Fortune Feimster?

  But I will tell you, in my early 30s, that was way more appealing to me, those kind of things. You know what I mean?

• 40:05Tig Notaro?

  What, trauma bonding?

• 40:07Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 40:08Mae Martin?

  I just don't like small talk that much. I just want to get past, like, do you have any siblings?

• 40:13Fortune Feimster?

  Stuff.

• 40:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I get that.

• 40:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I mean, it's really nice to like immediately be able to start connecting with somebody. And yeah, it's funny, a comedian friend's wife, I would say maybe right off would not be who somebody would pair me with in a friendship. And I was always so kind of fascinated by how drawn to her I was. Like when I'd see her at parties and run into her and Stephanie was like, I know why. Because she doesn't do any small talk. Like as soon as you see her, she dives right in.

• 40:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I like that.

• 40:56Tig Notaro?

  And she gets into conversation.

• 40:59Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, love that.

• 41:00Tig Notaro?

  And I was like, oh, you're right. Because I was like, what is it about this woman that is like, like when I see her at a party, I'm like, oh, my God, I can't wait to talk to her.

• 41:12Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 41:13Tig Notaro?

  And yeah, small talk is really tough for me.

• 41:19Fortune Feimster?

  Same, same. Y'all wanna, y'all wanna dig into it right away. Yeah.

• 41:23Tig Notaro?

  But I mean, do you enjoy small talk, Fortune?

• 41:26Fortune Feimster?

  I like digging in too. I just like building up to it. Okay. But I do like getting, I do like it when you get past the small talk. And you've reached a point where you can be real with the person for sure. And maybe it depends on the person. There are some people, I guess you could have like some kind of deep thing with right off the bat and be like, whoa, that was cool. But then there are other times where it's a red flag. You know what I mean? You can kind of get a vibe. Yeah.

• 41:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I mean, if you don't know the person at all, and it is like a first date with somebody that you really don't know, then it is nice to be like, okay, and so how's the job going? And how's the family? And what did you do this weekend? Sure.

• 42:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 42:17Tig Notaro?

  But after you've.

• 42:20Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. Met somebody, hung out, gone out two or three times. I don't know. I feel like.

• 42:28Fortune Feimster?

  Start digging in.

• 42:29Tig Notaro?

  I I would want to. I mean.

• 42:32Fortune Feimster?

  I get that.

• 42:33Mae Martin?

  Do you have other pet peeves on on dates, even on a friendship date, like people being rude to waiters is a big one?

• 42:40Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that would suck.

• 42:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 42:43Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, just seeing if they're just like a mean spirited person that would not be.

• 42:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, mean spirited isn't a term on.

• 42:50Fortune Feimster?

  No. I had one thing happen. I'd early on um of the dating apps or whatever. I didn't do many of those. But I um I was having a hard time meeting people, so I I joined one of those dating sites and I matched with somebody and we had like a couple of exchanges back and forth. I was like, oh, they seem. She seems cool, I think, you know, um but especially online, you kind of like want to let that unfold for a minute.

• 43:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 43:22Fortune Feimster?

  And um the day we chat like this, on the same day that we just started chatting. She invites me to come hang out with her and her family.

• 43:35Mae Martin?

  No.

• 43:35Fortune Feimster?

  And sends me a picture of all of them in a hot tub.

• 43:39Mae Martin?

  No.

• 43:39Fortune Feimster?

  And says, come, do you want to come hang out with my family and I?

• 43:45Tig Notaro?

  In a hot tub?

• 43:46Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like.

• 43:47Mae Martin?

  God.

• 43:47Fortune Feimster?

  I think I deleted the app right away.

• 43:50Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. That's insane.

• 43:54Tig Notaro?

  You didn't go over in your that wig, the blonde wig you were.

• 43:58Fortune Feimster?

  Brenda.

• 43:58Tig Notaro?

  Brenda.

• 44:01Fortune Feimster?

  Brenda would have gone, I swear to God, Tim. But it just, it scared me so bad. I legit erased the app.

• 44:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, red flag, red flag.

• 44:12Fortune Feimster?

  It was, that was a lot for me. So things like that, I guess, is what I'm saying is jarring.

• 44:18Tig Notaro?

  I went out for coffee with this girl uh before I had met Stephanie.

• 44:25Tig Notaro?

  And it was like an afternoon coffee and afterwards she texted me immediately after, you know, basically loved having coffee with you.

• 44:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:37Tig Notaro?

  Like, okay, great. And then I had told her I had a show that night.

• 44:44Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 44:44Tig Notaro?

  And she texted me, you know.

• 44:48Mae Martin?

  No.

• 44:49Tig Notaro?

  Good. You hope you have a good show.

• 44:51Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 44:51Tig Notaro?

  And I was like, oh, okay. Thanks. This is somebody like I did not know, just only had a coffee with.

• 45:00Mae Martin?

  And had you responded to these takes?

• 45:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I was just like, oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. And then that night at 11 o'clock.

• 45:09Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 45:10Tig Notaro?

  I get a text saying, sweet dreams.

• 45:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 45:16Tig Notaro?

  Which all of those, those three things are very nice to do, but to somebody you know, not after a first coffee, I don't think. I mean, maybe people are listening going, you're a terrible person, but like, even if it was, I feel like that's the second time you hang out with somebody because you've clearly decided, oh, I'm going to go ahead and, and see them again.

• 45:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:46Tig Notaro?

  You know?

• 45:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:47Tig Notaro?

  And, but I was, I was like, huh? And then that's what actually fed into what was funny. When Stephanie and I ran into each other and our, the movie we had done was going to Sundance. And we exchanged numbers and I wasn't thinking she was into me. I just said, just so you know, I'm not like, great on text, you know?

• 46:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:14Tig Notaro?

  And, and she said, oh, me neither. And then I told her that story. I said, oh, I think it was like yesterday or the day before I had gone out with that girl. And I said, and this and that happened. So I'm like, you know? And again, I wasn't telling her because I thought she was into me. I was just like, just heads up. And then that night at 11 o'clock, I got a text from Stephanie that said, sweet dreams.

• 46:40Mae Martin?

  That's so funny.

• 46:42Fortune Feimster?

  That is funny.

• 46:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And so I was like, well, that is a home run.

• 46:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. It's so funny how that works with different people, you know?

• 46:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 46:53Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 46:54Tig Notaro?

  Well, because there's a sense of humor there.

• 46:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:56Tig Notaro?

  This person was so earnestly like, I loved having coffee. Or that was nice, or whatever she said. It was, and I was like, oh, you know, and at first I was like, oh yeah, that was nice. Thanks. And, and then I'm about to go and say, I have a, you know. Uh, but it, it sounds like I don't like to be told.

• 47:16Mae Martin?

  No, no.

• 47:16Fortune Feimster?

  I totally understand what you meant.

• 47:19Mae Martin?

  The three texts combined.

• 47:20Tig Notaro?

  From a stranger that I never wanted to see again. That was the other thing I should add in. Like, you know, talk about Jen Aniston. She looked like Jen Aniston. Like she was obviously a knockoff version of Jen. But I called this girl Textifer Aniston.

• 47:40Mae Martin?

  Textifer Aniston.

• 47:41Tig Notaro?

  Textifer Aniston. But yeah, when it's the right person that you enjoy back and forth with.

• 47:48Mae Martin?

  You need a sense of humor. I, I recently on a dating app, someone said, tell me about yourself. And so I was like, well, I'm a massive Trump supporter and I was obviously joking. Like they, yeah, and they were like, wow, um, I just need to check that you're joking about that. I don't know. They'd already said that they'd like watched my special and stuff. So I was like, oh, come on.

• 48:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:11Mae Martin?

  Give a little, give a little sass, you know?

• 48:14Tig Notaro?

  That it's very awkward when the sense of humor is off.

• 48:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 48:19Tig Notaro?

  Like, were you interested in this girl?

• 48:22Mae Martin?

  I don't know.

• 48:22Tig Notaro?

  Were you thinking, oh, she's attractive?

• 48:26Mae Martin?

  Uh, yeah, yeah. Well, I was, I was open to it. Yeah. But then, but then I was like, nah, it's too.

• 48:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I don't know what my pet peeve is. Is that a pet peeve? Maybe what I said?

• 48:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:42Fortune Feimster?

  What you said counts. It was a specific thing. Yeah, that happened. But yeah, I mean, too much too soon. You know, when the vibe, when you don't really know the vibe yet, there's a turn off for sure.

• 48:52Mae Martin?

  I'm, I'm still thinking about when Tig said that it's the aliens are because of the childhood trauma.

• 49:00Tig Notaro?

  Alien and the child of after trauma.

• 49:03Mae Martin?

  Did you see that my, yeah, my facial reaction to that? It was like, I really like it. I'm going to go think about it and journal about it.

• 49:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 49:12Mae Martin?

  I thought it was just quirky.

• 49:14Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no, you're not quirky at all, child.

• 49:17Fortune Feimster?

  A total, a total child.

• 49:20Tig Notaro?

  Should we hear what? What Trace has to say? Yeah. Let's do it.

• 49:25Speaker 06

  I've got at least ten, but here's two. One, and this is for friends too, I just don't like when people chew and try to talk, chew their food and try to talk at the same time. I'm like bobbing and weaving, bobbing and weaving. Because I'm catching collateral damage.

• 49:49Speaker 06

  Specifically to a date though, well, maybe this is after the date. If you're watching a movie, oh, I guess you could be in the movie theater. If you're watching a movie, uh, and there's a beautiful, hot actress on the screen, it's a given that she's hot. I don't really need you to articulate how hot she is to me because that's a buzzkill. Like if I'm curled up in your armpit, I don't need you to go on about how beautiful Anne Hathaway is or Sanaa Lathan. Like, it happened with both of those, actually. I know they're hot. Of course they're fucking hot.

• 50:31Speaker 06

  I don't want to feel, I want to feel my fantasy. I'm feeling my zhuzh right now. I'm in your armpit, feeling like the doll. Let me feel like the doll, please. I know they're hot, they're beautiful, sunny, gorgeous.

• 50:45Tig Notaro?

  See, Trace brings me love. And so is that a buzzkill for you if somebody says that they think somebody else is hot?

• 50:53Fortune Feimster?

  That kind of thing did happen to me back in the day a couple of times.

• 50:56Tig Notaro?

  Really?

• 50:57Fortune Feimster?

  Where I thought I was asking someone on a date and then they showed up with a date.

• 51:04Tig Notaro?

  That's another level of fortune.

• 51:08Fortune Feimster?

  I got this group together to go watch a outdoor movie in Pasadena. This is like way back in the day. And I thought this girl was kind of cute and we were just kind of starting to get to know each other through like some, I think it was like one of those sports leagues I met her. And um,

• 51:28Mae Martin?

  Classic.

• 51:29Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like, oh, a group date would be easy, you know, because we don't really know each other. And I invited her thinking I was inviting her on a date. And I guess she decided that that did sound like a great date night. So she invited a date.

• 51:46Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 51:46Fortune Feimster?

  So I provided her with this amazing first date situation.

• 51:52Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 51:53Tig Notaro?

  And so do you think she didn't know?

• 51:56Fortune Feimster?

  Clearly.

• 51:57Mae Martin?

  She must have not known. She must have not known.

• 51:58Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Clearly. I was like, well, I'm glad you care. And I would check in like, are you guys having fun?

• 52:05Tig Notaro?

  And how well did you know her and how?

• 52:08Fortune Feimster?

  Not super well.

• 52:09Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh. And did it totally ruin your whole night or were you like, this is hilarious?

• 52:14Fortune Feimster?

  I think I was like, this is hilarious because it was so absurd that like, how, how can you just sit there and stew? Because I was like, of course.

• 52:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. It's also interesting when somebody that you're into shares who they're into and then it's confusing.

• 52:35Mae Martin?

  Oh, I mean,

• 52:36Fortune Feimster?

  I've had that happen as well.

• 52:38Mae Martin?

  Gender wise for me, like dating often straight women. And they're like, my type is kind of like Denzel Washington or like Gerard Butler. And I'm like, uh huh, cool.

• 52:54Fortune Feimster?

  But on a date? Like you knew it was a date?

• 52:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. Or like, like Trace was saying, if you're like watching a movie with someone you're dating, you're like, yeah, but then, but I'm into it. I kind of, I see it as a fun challenge. I kind of, I, I, yeah. I, what I don't like is feeling like I can't say I think someone else is hot. Like I think you gotta let that pressure gas get out.

• 53:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 53:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:19Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie made a really interesting point where I was like, oh yeah, that's, that's right. Because I was sitting around with a group of friends and everybody was talking about who their celebrity crush was.

• 53:33Tig Notaro?

  And then, you know, it was kind of a mixed room of, oh, we don't go into that in our relationship, or other people are like, oh, yeah, we openly talk about that. And when I told Stephanie when I got home, she said, oh, well, you know, this was what mainly all women sitting around. She said, it kind, she said, if there was a, a straight man in the group, being like, I think Pamela Anderson's hot. She, Stephanie was like, it takes it to a serious, like, oh, really? That's what, that's what she said. And I thought, oh, I can see

• 54:15Tig Notaro?

  that. I don't know. For some reason, she was like, if it's a bunch of lesbians sitting around going, Sandy Bullock, and you know, whoever.

• 54:23Fortune Feimster?

  It feels not as serious.

• 54:25Mae Martin?

  It feels safer somehow.

• 54:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And then if like, a guy was sitting there and he was like, yeah, I really like Pam Anderson.

• 54:32Mae Martin?

  I'd be into it. But yeah, I know what you mean. Like, it suddenly seems like.

• 54:36Tig Notaro?

  It's not like a fun off in the distance thing. It's like, oh, that's who you're thinking about a lot in your downtime, which I thought, I just thought it was really interesting.

• 54:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 54:49Tig Notaro?

  But I have had moments where when somebody tells me who they're into, or who they're, who they were just dating, or who they just hooked up with, or something where I'm like.

• 55:00Mae Martin?

  You're like, really? What's the thread here? The common denominator?

• 55:04Tig Notaro?

  I'm confused. I'm confused. I'm gonna step back. I don't know where I fit into this equation.

• 55:13Mae Martin?

  When someone's like, I have a crush on, uh, Robin Hood from the Disney movie, The Fox. And you're like, okay, how do I live up to that?

• 55:21Fortune Feimster?

  I just appreciated when we both knew we were on a date together.

• 55:27Tig Notaro?

  That's all Fortune's looking for.

• 55:29Fortune Feimster?

  That was my baseline.

• 55:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 55:31Fortune Feimster?

  We're on a date, right?

• 55:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 55:36Tig Notaro?

  That's funny.

• 55:38Mae Martin?

  Well, this has been an absolute treat.

• 55:39Fortune Feimster?

  Good times.

• 55:40Tig Notaro?

  Absolutely, it has.

• 55:42Fortune Feimster?

  Like, I learned a lot of new things about you guys today.

• 55:45Mae Martin?

  Tito, Tito. We're slowly unlocking the mysteries of each other's soul.

• 55:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we are. I can't wait for these stories that are gonna happen later on in the year when you drive to some orgy.

• 55:59Mae Martin?

  Oh, right. Well, you'll be there, so I won't need to tell you.

• 56:03Tig Notaro?

  Do you think you would maybe get a van or a station wagon and pick everyone up for the orgy?

• 56:09Mae Martin?

  Sure. And you could do your horn sound effect as I pull up outside.

• 56:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, guys. Also, that could be something where a lot of money could be made is like Uber orgy.

• 56:23Mae Martin?

  Uber orgy, or an orgy bus, the orgy bus.

• 56:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:28Fortune Feimster?

  I love it.

• 56:29Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, well, that's our episode.

• 56:32Mae Martin?

  It was a particularly sort of horny and emotional episode.

• 56:36Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it was. God, we really go deep.

• 56:38Tig Notaro?

  So emotional. It was such an emotional episode. Oh, my gosh. Listen, handsoms and pretty little ladies and pretty little ladies and handsome ladies and anybody with ears that can hear us or even not. Nashville and Austin, we are coming at you in April. Go to handsomepod.com for merch and tickets. Get your tickets. We will be having a grand old time. I know that for sure. The live shows are so, so fun and.

• 57:16Mae Martin?

  I can't wait.

• 57:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Yeah, I really can't wait.

• 57:19Fortune Feimster?

  The freaking Ryman.

• 57:21Mae Martin?

  Oh, man, the freaking Ryman.

• 57:23Tig Notaro?

  And Bass Concert Hall. I mean.

• 57:26Fortune Feimster?

  Amazing theaters.

• 57:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 57:28Mae Martin?

  I'm gonna be at Largo January 13th. And other than that, keep streaming Crushing It, Fortune's Special.

• 57:35Fortune Feimster?

  I would appreciate that. Thank you.

• 57:38Tig Notaro?

  For sure. Keep crushing it.

• 57:40Fortune Feimster?

  It's on Netflix, my latest stand-up special. Check that out. I'm gonna be at the Ice House in Pasadena January 24th and 25th doing new material. The Ontario Improv in California, February 7th and 8th, and Oxnard, California. Just working out new stuff for my next tour, which starts in April. And all of that new tour is on sale at my website, fortunefemster.com.

• 58:05Tig Notaro?

  Oxnard is such a beautiful name.

• 58:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 58:10Tig Notaro?

  And I'm dipping in and out of shows in LA and Toronto, working on new stuff. And every time I do a show, it doesn't mean I'm doing new stuff every new time I'm on stage.

• 58:26Fortune Feimster?

  That's difficult.

• 58:29Tig Notaro?

  I've had people tell me that they've come to see me in Toronto a handful of times. And I'm like, please don't do that to yourselves. Because when a comedian's working on new material, it doesn't mean you get a whole new hour every night.

• 58:45Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 58:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Yeah, just to clarify, but I do appreciate people coming out and repeat, folk.

• 58:52Fortune Feimster?

  Watch how it develops.

• 58:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and watch how it doesn't develop.

• 58:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 58:58Fortune Feimster?

  Watch how it slowly unrolls.

• 59:03Tig Notaro?

  And make sure to subscribe and follow the podcast. Send your favorite episode to a friend, a family member, an enemy. Rate, review us. And until next time, I mean, shucks.

• 59:18Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it.

• 59:19Tig Notaro?

  Keep it in.

• 59:20Fortune Feimster?

  Handsome.

• 59:22Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media, at HandsomePod.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  What a podcast.

• 59:44Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum podcast.

• 59:47Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door, I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead, and now everything's out of alignment.

• 1:00:00Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 1:00:18Mae Martin?

  And Hannah Simone.

• 1:00:19Speaker 03

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 1:00:40Mae Martin?

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:01:04Mae Martin?

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.