Pretty Little Episode #14

Fortune and Mae discuss birthday trips, parody songs, and irrational fears on a delightfully funny Pretty Little Episode! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium professional website.

• 0:18Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 0:50Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 1:18Fortune Feimster?

  Pretty Little Episode. Welcome to the Pretty Little Episode. I'm your host, Fortune Feimster, joined, of course, by me, Mae Martin.

• 1:29Mae Martin?

  May!

• 1:31Fortune Feimster?

  Martin!

• 1:33Mae Martin?

  Buddy, you have been going through it there in Toronto, filming crazy scenes. I don't know what in the world you are in right now. I know. And then I don't want to give spoilers and stuff, but when I talk about it, it reminds me of like, my mom was writing this book for a while and she would drop things and be like, like I was reading a newspaper article where a guy in Japan hid in a composting toilet and filmed women. And then she'd go, oh, something similar happens in my book. And we'd all be like, what is this book about? And that's kind of what it feels like when I tell you guys about the show. I'm like, I was filming this thing and it's like, what is this show? I don't really know anymore. Also, you have to really love...

• 2:15Fortune Feimster?

  What's the word buttholes, vaginas to hide in compost? And to see it at such a very close up angle.

• 2:24Mae Martin?

  I think it's

• 2:25Fortune Feimster?

  Seeing it's darkness.

• 2:27Mae Martin?

  I think it's about more than just liking, like to me, that feels like you like getting peed and pooed on.

• 2:34Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, God.

• 2:35Mae Martin?

  I can't believe this is where

• 2:39Mae Martin?

  He was in a wet suit. This is a true news story.

• 2:41Fortune Feimster?

  Well, that is helpful, but yeah, that's a weird kink. I'm glad I'm very not into that stuff, but that is funny that your mom's like, very similar to my book.

• 2:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it'll be random things. It'll, yeah, she'll see like a pigeon eating sort of an old dumpling on the street. She's like, makes me think of my book. I'm like, what is happening in this book?

• 3:04Fortune Feimster?

  Y'all are both creative writers in that way.

• 3:08Mae Martin?

  I guess so. Yeah, yeah. How are you? How's, how's the fam? What's going on?

• 3:13Fortune Feimster?

  Everybody's good. I just got back from a friend's birthday trip.

• 3:20Mae Martin?

  A birthday trip is like

• 3:22Fortune Feimster?

  Trip bold. Yeah, it's super fun, but also a lot of people.

• 3:27Mae Martin?

  Right. And Did you know, did you know all the other people?

• 3:29Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I know I knew them, but not everybody's super well. So Jackson and I were the friends trying to like mind our Ps and Qs and like, does anybody need anything? You know, what can we help with? Like, you don't want to be like the two people everyone's like, God, they haven't done any, you know, they didn't clean up after dinner or, you know, something like that.

• 3:50Mae Martin?

  Oh, I know.

• 3:51Fortune Feimster?

  Don't you think that big groups breed that kind of thing?

• 3:55Mae Martin?

  Of course.

• 3:55Fortune Feimster?

  So did this.

• 3:57Mae Martin?

  And even if people say they're not, there's someone there who's got an internal list of who brought what? Who did what?

• 4:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Who's contributed, who's paid for what, who's cleaned, who hasn't? And we didn't want to be the, the bad ones.

• 4:11Mae Martin?

  I'm always like, just tell me what to do because I just won't think of it or I'll get, I'm just having a nice time, but it's not that I don't want to help and contribute. Like I went on one group trip and then, um, Everyone was packing up to leave and I guess I was like, I gotta go quickly do a spell. So I wrote. I had decided like that on this weekend, I was gonna write down my wishes. It was a new moon buried it under a plant.

• 4:36Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 4:36Mae Martin?

  So I'm like, in my mind, that's a priority. So we're like all packing up. I'm like, oh, gotta remember.

• 4:41Fortune Feimster?

  Must do the spell.

• 4:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then on the ride home, everyone was real quiet because I guess they'd been cleaning the whole Airbnb and I'd been like, I, I just didn't even think of it. I don't know.

• 4:51Fortune Feimster?

  They're like so totally, they were pissed because everyone's cleaning and you're outside just like, you know, doing like your hands, like a magic trick.

• 5:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:02Fortune Feimster?

  And you're like, this is equally important. And they're like, but it's not.

• 5:07Mae Martin?

  I'm like, we're all gonna benefit from this spell, guys. Like.

• 5:09Fortune Feimster?

  What is the benefit of, why do you end up in trouble with a spell? Please tell our, me first and our listeners.

• 5:17Mae Martin?

  Well, I don't know. In this particular case, I think it was a new, I mean, what if we're living in a simulation and all of reality is just based on our intention?

• 5:28Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 5:28Mae Martin?

  So if you're going, hey, my intention is this, this is what I want. I don't know. Look, I'm, I sound really spiritual these days. I'm really, you know.

• 5:37Fortune Feimster?

  Well, when I think of spells, I guess I'm thinking of the TV version where I'm putting a spell on you.

• 5:44Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 5:44Fortune Feimster?

  Meaning.

• 5:45Mae Martin?

  Like a.

• 5:46Fortune Feimster?

  A curse.

• 5:47Mae Martin?

  Right, no.

• 5:48Fortune Feimster?

  Or a love potion.

• 5:50Mae Martin?

  No, oh, I would love a love potion.

• 5:51Fortune Feimster?

  Either one, it can go either way. But a spell I don't think of in terms of like, we had a great weekend and let me close this.

• 5:59Mae Martin?

  Let me close this.

• 5:59Fortune Feimster?

  This weekend with a mantra, prayer, whatever.

• 6:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, a reflection, but really, truly in my mind, it was like, okay, um, Rose is doing the dishes, Camille's emptying the garbages, May's doing the spell. Like, I was like, I'm an important part of this.

• 6:15Fortune Feimster?

  And now, and May has not been invited back to a group trip since.

• 6:20Fortune Feimster?

  I used to be the person, and I'm probably still guilty of this in the same, like, tell me what you need, tell me what to do, I'll do it. And um, I've learned from Jax to be a little bit more proactive because she's super proactive. So.

• 6:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:35Fortune Feimster?

  I was trying to be like cleaning up more and unloading the dishwasher more and, oh, we don't have ice. Let's get some ice at the store, that kind of thing.

• 6:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:44Fortune Feimster?

  I was pretty proud of myself now. I haven't taken a poll from the whole group. Maybe they feel differently.

• 6:51Mae Martin?

  There's a WhatsApp group that you're not on. Called Processing Fortune's Behavior.

• 6:56Fortune Feimster?

  That's right, but it was fun and um, but I am so glad to be home. Not anything to do with that. I just was not anticipating going on a trip. That was very last minute.

• 7:06Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 7:07Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like in the mode of like, home from filming after five months, back from Europe.

• 7:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:14Fortune Feimster?

  I have this amount of time between my next tour. I'm so pumped to be home and I was like, oh.

• 7:20Mae Martin?

  Off I go.

• 7:21Fortune Feimster?

  Away again. Yeah. So, but now I'm home.

• 7:23Mae Martin?

  I'm excited to get into a routine.

• 7:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'm excited for you.

• 7:27Mae Martin?

  I'm excited for you being excited for me.

• 7:30Fortune Feimster?

  And we're excited for what?

• 7:32Mae Martin?

  What?

• 7:32Fortune Feimster?

  Questions. From our pretty little handsome listeners.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  This is literally the perfect lead in for this question.

• 7:45Mae Martin?

  Oh, great.

• 7:46Fortune Feimster?

  Is it about spells?

• 7:47Speaker 03

  You'll see.

• 7:48Fortune Feimster?

  I'll put a spell on you. Did you ever listen to that song?

• 7:52Mae Martin?

  Did I ever?

• 7:53Fortune Feimster?

  Because you're mine. Is that the words? I don't know.

• 8:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  Hi handsome pod. This is Ryan and Tia and we live in Nashville, Tennessee area.

• 8:06Mae Martin?

  Hi.

• 8:07Speaker 03

  And our question for you is if you have any fun little parody songs that you like to sing around the house? Either to other people that live in your house with you or to yourself.

• 8:16Mae Martin?

  Oh, man.

• 8:17Fortune Feimster?

  Fun little parody songs.

• 8:20Mae Martin?

  Cause I started doing musical comedy where I would change the lyrics to existing songs. And then I heard some interview with one of my favorite comedians being like, that's the lowest form of comedy. I was like, oh no. So I used to have a ton of like.

• 8:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, cause you play guitar.

• 8:34Mae Martin?

  You know, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. So I had Feed me pies, feed me chicken, eat pies. So stupid. And I had, I had a song about Don Cheadle and having sex with Don Cheadle.

• 8:47Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 8:48Mae Martin?

  A fantasy and it was to the tune of what's, what's going on? I can't do it now.

• 8:54Fortune Feimster?

  Don Cheadle. Have sex with me like that?

• 8:58Mae Martin?

  It was like, and so awake. Okay, because I saw him, I saw him filming a movie on the roof beside my apartment, basically. So then I wrote this fantasy about like, oh, I can't actually remember.

• 9:07Fortune Feimster?

  So I wake in the morning and I look outside and Don Cheadle's on the roof. And he looks so high.

• 9:17Mae Martin?

  And I scream at the top of my lungs.

• 9:19Fortune Feimster?

  Don Cheadle right now.

• 9:21Mae Martin?

  Pretty much. Yeah. And it got pretty graphic.

• 9:24Fortune Feimster?

  And we're gonna bow.

• 9:28Fortune Feimster?

  Bow. We're gonna bow.

• 9:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:33Fortune Feimster?

  Don Cheadle and me. That doesn't rhyme, but you know, it's a working.

• 9:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but the energy's there. It's horny as hell. And then, um, somebody sent it to his agent, like someone who knew his agent personally.

• 9:45Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, wait, you put this out, this song out?

• 9:47Mae Martin?

  I did it live and filmed it and I had a video of it and then someone sent it. And then Don Cheadle actually responded to me and he sent me a photo of him watching me singing it. And he's like, making this face like, what the fuck? And then we kind of used to tweet at each other back and forth. And then, um, this was like 15 years ago or more.

• 10:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 10:06Mae Martin?

  Then, cut to last year, I'm backstage at a kind of event.

• 10:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 10:11Mae Martin?

  I look over, he's wearing a COVID mask, but I'm like, unmistakably, that's Cheadle. And I thought, he's not gonna remember, like, I mean, I look totally different now, but I, I'm like, I have to say something because I love Don Cheadle.

• 10:22Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 10:23Mae Martin?

  And so I went up. And yeah, right? He's so effortlessly cool. And he was with his wife and I go up and I go, hey, I'm so sorry. You're not gonna know who I am. And he goes, I know who you are. And I'm like, oh, I went, I just need to tell you, I'm not creepy and weird. And he was like, no, I got it. It was funny. And then I said, we chatted for ages.

• 10:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 10:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Anyway, that's my story. What, yeah, parody song. Well, you're singing nonstop.

• 10:47Fortune Feimster?

  I'm singing all the time, but I don't know if it's a parody. The first thing that, you know, more the classic, it's not a parody, but my friend's song from the ground. He's back door butthole. I sing that.

• 10:59Mae Martin?

  Do you actually, like, sing it to yourself?

• 11:02Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah. And I'll giggle, it's the same as a front hole, but it won't put a baby in the oven. Um, is there a parody song? I don't know that I have an actual parody.

• 11:17Mae Martin?

  No, you're just singing like beautiful covers of existing songs.

• 11:22Fortune Feimster?

  What I do is I sing songs and I often am singing the wrong words.

• 11:27Mae Martin?

  Right. And then does Jax correct you?

• 11:30Fortune Feimster?

  No, because she knows none of the lyrics.

• 11:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, right.

• 11:33Fortune Feimster?

  I at least know like eighty percent of the song.

• 11:37Mae Martin?

  Right. Do you ever sing something when you want to give a criticism or feedback, but you don't want it to be too biting? So you're like, can you throw away your garbage? Like, people do that passive aggressively, right?

• 11:52Fortune Feimster?

  I'm sure they do. I haven't done that before, but I, I sing and don't even know that I'm singing.

• 11:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:59Fortune Feimster?

  I was singing with someone recently, this is a humble brag. But the, you know, the band, the chicks.

• 12:07Mae Martin?

  Do I?

• 12:08Fortune Feimster?

  I was singing, I got them to sing on karaoke their own song.

• 12:14Mae Martin?

  Yes, amazing.

• 12:16Fortune Feimster?

  They were hesitant. They're like, you don't, you don't want to hear that. I go, I one hundred percent want to hear that.

• 12:22Mae Martin?

  That's all anyone wants.

• 12:23Fortune Feimster?

  And they're like, nah, I go, yes. So we went and sang from the first album, like the classics.

• 12:31Mae Martin?

  Oh, man.

• 12:32Fortune Feimster?

  And I was like nervous because I was like, oh, God, they're gonna be looking at me singing to them their own song. What if I don't know all the lyrics?

• 12:44Mae Martin?

  Oh, don't get me started.

• 12:46Fortune Feimster?

  And I messed up a couple, but I was really, I was locked in as much as I could be. Looking at Natalie, Natalie's looking at me. And we're saying, there's your trouble, there's your trouble, keep seeing double with the wrong one.

• 13:04Mae Martin?

  I like that.

• 13:05Fortune Feimster?

  Classic country from the nineties.

• 13:08Mae Martin?

  I need to get into their music more. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do a deep dive.

• 13:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, they're amazing. Their latest album, Gaslighter, because they've, you know, gone far away from country for a long time now, but they still, Emily and Marty play those amazing instruments. So it always has like a hint of that because it has banjo and they have fiddle. Um, but man, that album is really, really good. You gotta listen to it.

• 13:34Mae Martin?

  Okay, I will.

• 13:35Fortune Feimster?

  But anyway, I didn't answer the question because I don't have a parody song, but I love to sing, so.

• 13:39Mae Martin?

  I think the butthole song counts.

• 13:41Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you, friend.

• 13:42Mae Martin?

  Should we hear what these friends said? Ryan in Nashville?

• 13:47Fortune Feimster?

  We sure should.

• 13:48Speaker 04

  Our answer for this is handsome pod related and it's for our dog. And we like to sing scratching the head of a handsome dog, kissing the face of a handsome dog.

• 14:03Mae Martin?

  That's so good.

• 14:05Fortune Feimster?

  I love that.

• 14:06Mae Martin?

  You have to sing that to Biggie, scratching the head of a handsome dog.

• 14:10Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie, you wanna hit, look, he's right here on the desk.

• 14:13Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:14Fortune Feimster?

  Scratching the head of a handsome dog. You like that, Biggie? Scratching the head of a handsome dog.

• 14:23Mae Martin?

  That's really good.

• 14:29Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking for hybrid coffee shop concepts before I visit a new area? I missed out. Coffee in plants, coffee in books, coffee in vintage model trains. The opportunities are endless, but I have to remember to take advantage.

• 14:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 14:59Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 15:21Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-beded by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I used Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything. I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 15:50Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 16:06Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 16:26Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 16:51Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show. Thanks for the question, Ryan.

• 17:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's keep them coming.

• 17:14Speaker 06

  Hi, Handsoms, take 27. Pretty little lady here. My name is Jana. I am from May's hometown of Toronto. Fortune, I've been lucky enough to meet you in the past.

• 17:26Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 17:27Speaker 06

  Tig, I don't want you to feel left out at all. Hopefully, one day, our paths will cross too, but love you guys all. I do have a question. Do you have any irrational fears? Something that has no bearing as to why you should or would be afraid of it? It's completely irrational, but you are afraid.

• 17:47Fortune Feimster?

  Interesting.

• 17:49Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 17:51Fortune Feimster?

  This isn't like a, it's a fear in a different sense of the fear you're thinking of, but I have something very irrational that gives me the willies.

• 18:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:04Fortune Feimster?

  And it's, anytime I tell people about it, they're like, what? And I'm like, I know, it's so stupid. I've had this since I was a kid. I think it's mental at this point, and it's not changing. But I cannot stand the feeling of

• 18:22Mae Martin?

  I'm scared and excited.

• 18:25Fortune Feimster?

  Biting into a strawberry.

• 18:28Mae Martin?

  Oh, I, I know. You said this. Okay, yeah.

• 18:31Fortune Feimster?

  Tiny little seeds.

• 18:32Mae Martin?

  You, yes, okay, I did know this about you.

• 18:34Fortune Feimster?

  Like, make, make me a

• 18:38Fortune Feimster?

  I, if I see like a blender with a, like a bunch of blackberries or strawberries and the seeds are at the bottom, like, I'm, I can't even look at it. I'm like, wow, give it away for me.

• 18:49Mae Martin?

  That feels like past life shit, like.

• 18:51Fortune Feimster?

  It does, because it makes no sense.

• 18:53Mae Martin?

  No, it doesn't. It feels like you caught some illness from a raspberry seed, like, yeah.

• 18:58Fortune Feimster?

  And so I can't even, like, if I, the thought of biting down on those hard little seeds, like, I have a fear of that. Like, I'm gonna accidentally just, like, chomp on a bunch of seeds. I'm like, oh, God.

• 19:13Mae Martin?

  I get that. So that's like a, yeah, like a visceral, my one like that is people touching my face. Like, if, if I'm in love with you, touch my face, please, as much as you want, as much as you can, thanks. But like, friends who, like, or randoms who just put their hands on your face, I'm like, get your hands off me. I hate people touching my face, even like in massages and stuff. I say, don't touch my face.

• 19:37Fortune Feimster?

  I say, yeah, I do the no face thing too.

• 19:40Mae Martin?

  No face. And then also, I don't like the smell of people blow drying their hair in the change room. Like, I don't want to smell your, both these things, I don't want it unless I'm in love with you. So I don't want to smell your hot head if I'm not in love with you. You know what I mean?

• 19:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 19:58Mae Martin?

  But other than that, I fear deep water, which is rational, I think.

• 20:02Fortune Feimster?

  That is rational for sure. I, because I, I fear sharks, but that's also rational because they keep biting everyone lately.

• 20:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I fear death. I fear dying alone. I feel, I fear all those things, but they're, that's normal.

• 20:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, absolutely. So nothing irrational about that.

• 20:18Mae Martin?

  Except I guess it is irrational that we, like, it's way more dangerous to cross the street. But we're like, sharks are really a threat.

• 20:27Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I just stay out of their home.

• 20:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Fortune Feimster?

  You know what I mean? I, I stay on the beach and I look at their home.

• 20:33Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 20:33Fortune Feimster?

  And I say, what a beautiful home you have. And I don't go in it. That's my thing, because we are technically going into their home.

• 20:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:43Fortune Feimster?

  And then going, ah, it bit me.

• 20:45Mae Martin?

  Oh, it bit me. Yeah, that's true.

• 20:47Fortune Feimster?

  So.

• 20:48Mae Martin?

  And what if they had a little sign on their shark home that said, bite first, ask questions later?

• 20:52Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. Or they, it says, bite me.

• 20:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:58Mae Martin?

  Can I quickly say, I don't know if this, I think it's a different Janet who's, who left this question, but there's a person in Toronto called Janet Watson. And basically, one day I'm walking down the street. I hadn't been home in a long time, a couple of years, walking down the street. I see, who should step in front of me? Janet Watson. I go, oh, my God, Janet Watson. It's so good to see you. I give her a hug. She's like a little standoffish. And I'm like, listen, I'm in town for a couple of weeks. It'd be great to see you. Let's get together. She walks away. As she walks away, I realize I've never met her.

• 21:28Fortune Feimster?

  That's not her, yeah.

• 21:29Mae Martin?

  No, it is her.

• 21:30Fortune Feimster?

  It is her.

• 21:30Mae Martin?

  I've just seen her in the Instagrams of my friends. She's not my friend. I just know her so well from my other friends Instagrams and I'm like, oh, Jana Watson.

• 21:40Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah. That is hilarious.

• 21:41Mae Martin?

  And she was like, yeah, I guess we'll hang out.

• 21:44Fortune Feimster?

  She was like, okay, nice to meet you for the first time.

• 21:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:48Fortune Feimster?

  I love that you know everyone's first and last name.

• 21:51Mae Martin?

  Got to.

• 21:52Fortune Feimster?

  Ian Peach.

• 21:53Mae Martin?

  Ian Peach.

• 21:57Speaker 06

  My irrational fear is downward escalators. I'm fine with escalators going up, but escalators going down, I always hesitate taking that first step and I wait for the perfect step before I step on.

• 22:11Fortune Feimster?

  I get that. Those are, some people get stuck on those. It's scary. You want me to give you a new irrational fear?

• 22:18Mae Martin?

  Sure.

• 22:20Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe it's rational after I tell you this. Apparently, a lot more elevators than you realize aren't there when the door opens.

• 22:30Mae Martin?

  What do you mean? And you just step in and it's not there?

• 22:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 22:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, my Lord.

• 22:35Fortune Feimster?

  You're welcome. New irrational fear unlocked. I don't know the stats on it. I can't give you a May fact.

• 22:42Mae Martin?

  But it's a lot more than you'd think.

• 22:44Fortune Feimster?

  I've heard, A, that you should always look when you press elevator button to make sure the elevator is there because it does happen where it's just not there and people walk and phew. That does happen. Now, I don't think it's like this, this numbers are like crazy high. I just know it happens.

• 23:01Mae Martin?

  Sure.

• 23:01Fortune Feimster?

  So just look.

• 23:03Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 23:03Fortune Feimster?

  But the, the thing that happens, I think, more frequently than that, because that's not as frequent, but it happens, is you, you know, when you put your arm in to stop the elevator?

• 23:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 23:15Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, and we all trust that the sensors are gonna like

• 23:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:20Fortune Feimster?

  The stat on that, you don't have the actual stat, is that, um, oftentimes the sensors, it doesn't stop.

• 23:29Mae Martin?

  It doesn't work. So it just closes and then rips your arm.

• 23:31Fortune Feimster?

  On your arm, yeah. So there are a bunch of people who've lost limbs. Again, I don't know the stats. So is it one in? Twenty one in a thousand. I don't know.

• 23:45Mae Martin?

  Guess how many people die every year from champagne corks?

• 23:48Fortune Feimster?

  How many?

• 23:49Mae Martin?

  Twenty four.

• 23:50Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa, that's

• 23:51Mae Martin?

  On average.

• 23:52Fortune Feimster?

  That's the, and that's such a preventable death.

• 23:55Mae Martin?

  And also, what, how are they dying? Is the cork just going right into the?

• 23:59Fortune Feimster?

  Right into their dome. Boom.

• 24:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't really get it, but.

• 24:03Fortune Feimster?

  Here's what you should do. Point it away from you or put a towel over it.

• 24:08Mae Martin?

  But what if you point it away, it flies off, it hits the chandelier, chandelier falls, crushes you.

• 24:13Fortune Feimster?

  New irrational fear unlocked.

• 24:15Mae Martin?

  It flies off, it severs a string that's holding up an anvil that you had as a decorative anvil hovering over your bed.

• 24:22Fortune Feimster?

  I also saw someone once, you know, the manual wine openers where you twist it and then you turn, kind of jimmy it, the cork out?

• 24:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:32Fortune Feimster?

  Saw someone opening the wine, jimmying it out. She had it under her face. She goes, boom, with the wine thing chipped her whole front tooth.

• 24:44Mae Martin?

  No.

• 24:44Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, you'll live through that. It's just not pretty.

• 24:47Mae Martin?

  It's not pretty.

• 24:48Fortune Feimster?

  And she all of a sudden.

• 24:49Mae Martin?

  Oh, teeth falling out is a big one for me.

• 24:51Fortune Feimster?

  Like a Jim Carrey tooth, you know, where you.

• 24:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:54Fortune Feimster?

  Got that like.

• 24:55Mae Martin?

  I think he really did that for real.

• 24:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, he has a chipped tooth.

• 24:59Mae Martin?

  And he, and he took.

• 25:00Fortune Feimster?

  Took the whatever.

• 25:02Mae Martin?

  Veneer off or whatever for that, for a Dumb and Dumber. Yeah.

• 25:04Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm. So there you go. If you didn't have those fears before, you're welcome.

• 25:09Mae Martin?

  You're welcome. You got a whole batch of new worries.

• 25:13Mae Martin?

  Remember worry dolls? You put them on your pillow, little worry dolls. I feel like parents used to, instead of, you know, paying for therapy for their kids, they'd give them a little bag of worry dolls and you put them under your pillow and they soak up your worries.

• 25:24Fortune Feimster?

  Never heard of that, but I like that.

• 25:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:27Fortune Feimster?

  Well, let us be your worry dolls. Tell us your problems and we'll make you worry more.

• 25:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Thank you so much for sending them in. Keep sending them.

• 25:37Fortune Feimster?

  You can go to speakpipe.com/hansampod if you want to submit a question to get one of us handsome folks to, potentially answer it.

• 25:48Mae Martin?

  Ooh.

• 25:48Fortune Feimster?

  You can also pick up some merch if you're in the mood at handsomepod.com. We got new stuff, autumnal stuff.

• 25:56Mae Martin?

  Autumnal.

• 25:58Fortune Feimster?

  Autumnal. Yeah, get that Yegor shirt and get that hoodie. I'm, I'm waiting on my hoodie so I can rock it. It's the, the weather finally changed here.

• 26:07Mae Martin?

  Oh, really?

• 26:07Fortune Feimster?

  And it feels like fall.

• 26:10Mae Martin?

  Man, the leaves.

• 26:11Fortune Feimster?

  Super into it.

• 26:12Mae Martin?

  Like bright red leaves in Toronto. It's so nice.

• 26:14Fortune Feimster?

  I love it. Well, this has been such a treat chatting with you, my friend.

• 26:19Mae Martin?

  Always a treat scratching the head of a handsome dog.

• 26:22Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie snoring.

• 26:24Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 26:25Fortune Feimster?

  Um, awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for tuning in. We hope you have an awesome rest of your day. And don't forget to, uh, check out all three of us next Tuesday on the Handsome Pod.

• 26:35Mae Martin?

  And until then, keep it.

• 26:37Fortune Feimster?

  Pretty handsome.

• 26:40Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 26:56Fortune Feimster?

  What a podcast.

• 26:57Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast.

• 27:02Speaker 02

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 27:05Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I have enough tickets before getting in line for a ride at the fair? Tilt a whoopsie. I waited in line for so long, only to be turned away at the gate. Maybe I'll have more luck whacking a mole.

• 27:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking for this handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.