Patton Oswalt asks about mythical creatures

Hilarious comedian and actor Patton Oswalt asks Handsome about urban myths and cryptids on an episode tailor made for our Little Cowboy! Plus Fortune hangs out with Will Ferrell, Mae's car scrape, Tig getting bamboozled, and more! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepod and Hulu https://www.hulu.com/series/b583d0bc-eeb0-4560-8b2b-5c8ae0248a19?play=false&utm_source=shared_linkThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:06Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium professional website.

• 0:24Fortune Feimster?

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• 0:56Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANDSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 1:08Speaker 03

  Looking for big flavor and even bigger savings? You gotta head to Royal Farms. Right now, get an eight-piece mixed chicken meal or a 10-piece dark chicken meal for just 15 bucks, including a 2-liter Coke. It's an easy, delicious meal the whole family can enjoy. Or grab a deli or chicken salad sub with Ropero chips and a 20-ounce Canada Dry Soda for only 6 bucks. Fresh food, great deals, and world-famous flavor in every bite. Stop by Royal Farms today. Royal Farms, real fresh, real fast.

• 1:38Fortune Feimster?

  Handsome, chatting with friends on the handsome pod. Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

• 1:49Mae Martin?

  Cheers. Welcome to the handsome pod.

• 1:52Tig Notaro?

  Hi Fortune, it's Tig.

• 1:54Mae Martin?

  Hi Tig, it's Fortune.

• 1:56Tig Notaro?

  Hi, who else do we have here?

• 1:57Mae Martin?

  Hey guys, it's May.

• 1:59Tig Notaro?

  Hey, May. How are you?

• 2:01Mae Martin?

  Hi guys, how are you?

• 2:03Tig Notaro?

  What's up you guys? Yeah, what is up? You were in Palm Springs?

• 2:08Mae Martin?

  I was in Palm Springs for a night and then I went to Idlewild for the first time.

• 2:12Tig Notaro?

  How was that? Did you see my, um, my, uh, hair and makeup artist?

• 2:18Mae Martin?

  I bet I did. I bet, I bet I passed her. It's so nice up there. It's very queer. I couldn't believe it.

• 2:26Tig Notaro?

  How queer? What was going on?

• 2:28Mae Martin?

  Just rainbow flags everywhere, a lot of keep it handsoms coming at me.

• 2:33Tig Notaro?

  Oh really?

• 2:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's, it's nice up there.

• 2:37Tig Notaro?

  Wow, would you relocate?

• 2:39Mae Martin?

  Absolutely not. Well,

• 2:42Fortune Feimster?

  Cause it's too, it's a little too quiet, yeah?

• 2:44Mae Martin?

  It's a little too quiet, yeah. And if, if there was a big lake, maybe, but I like to jump in a big lake, you know?

• 2:50Tig Notaro?

  If, if your house falls off the cliff, you could just put it on a trailer and drive it up to Idlewild.

• 2:56Mae Martin?

  Just park the trailer.

• 2:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 2:58Mae Martin?

  That's a good idea, putting my house on a trailer. Yeah.

• 3:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's one of the best ideas.

• 3:04Mae Martin?

  Where are you right now?

• 3:06Tig Notaro?

  I'm in Colorado.

• 3:07Mae Martin?

  Oh, nice.

• 3:08Tig Notaro?

  Yep, there's been a lot of, uh, it's really crazy. I mean, I'm, I'm surrounded fully by fires in like every,

• 3:18Mae Martin?

  Oh really?

• 3:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god, but for like my, you know, it's like miles away, but completely surrounded by fires. And there's massive windstorms. So that's why my internet was out, um, yesterday and today. Um, but, um, but all is alright, you know? It's, uh, just always a pleasure to be in the mountains. But luckily, there's no, it's far enough away where, um, you know, there's no smell of, uh, fires or anything like that.

• 3:51Mae Martin?

  It's scary though, when you look at the, the map on your phone or something and you just see the fire emojis all around you, closing in.

• 3:58Tig Notaro?

  It is truly that.

• 4:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 4:02Tig Notaro?

  Kind of situation, yeah. And Colorado had its, I think, driest, driest winter since, I think, 1981.

• 4:12Mae Martin?

  Oh geez.

• 4:14Tig Notaro?

  So, yeah. Um, it's just, it's such a bummer. It's so sad what's, you know, what's taking place on the planet, but, uh,

• 4:24Mae Martin?

  On our sweet planet.

• 4:25Tig Notaro?

  On our sweet, sweet planet. But, um, it's still good to be out here and experiencing the outdoors and all the cool mountain folk and the cool music coming out of different places. And I just love, I mean, I love Denver. I love all of the different places that I get to go in Colorado. Yeah.

• 4:47Mae Martin?

  It's your happy place.

• 4:49Tig Notaro?

  It really is. I mean,

• 4:51Mae Martin?

  That's so nice. Yeah. Do you always have, have a connection with it? When did that start?

• 4:56Tig Notaro?

  Well, my mother went to college, my mother and father, uh, actually, I don't think my, did my father go? He went to Southern Mississippi, um, University of Southern Mississippi. So did my mother, that's where they met. Um, my mother also went to college here in Colorado. She was in a crazy car accident where she went through the windshield and was in a coma. Yeah.

• 5:24Mae Martin?

  In college?

• 5:25Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 5:27Mae Martin?

  Holy shit.

• 5:27Tig Notaro?

  Like they took the guy, the driver, to the hospital and then realized later there was somebody else in the car, went back and found my mother.

• 5:35Mae Martin?

  Holy cow.

• 5:36Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:37Mae Martin?

  She was just unconscious on the road?

• 5:40Tig Notaro?

  I, I think in a ditch.

• 5:42Mae Martin?

  Holy shit.

• 5:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, she was in a coma and broke a lot of bones in her body. And she was such an athlete and a dancer. Um, and like even like a, she did fancy dives, like high dives. And my mother couldn't lift her arm very high, as long as I knew her. And so she would dive, like she'd do her fancy dives, but she'd have like rickety body doing it.

• 6:09Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 6:11Tig Notaro?

  And,

• 6:11Mae Martin?

  All from that accident?

• 6:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like she didn't have any meat on her shoulder, on her, on her right shoulder. And so she would just, it was just bone.

• 6:23Mae Martin?

  No meat on your shoulder.

• 6:25Tig Notaro?

  And then she used to, she broke all of her toes and they put these long, thin screws in each toe. And then when that, I mean, that isn't all she broke. I mean, she broke her leg. I mean, she was a mess. And, um, but she, um, I mean, I am my mother's daughter, but she, she had these long, thin screws that went into each toe. And when she got them out, she used, she used them for olives, for martinis, when, um, when she would have,

• 7:01Tig Notaro?

  when she would have people over.

• 7:04Mae Martin?

  Wild.

• 7:05Tig Notaro?

  And, uh, and people would be like, "Oh my gosh, Susie, this is such a great idea with the screw and the olive." And she'd go, "Oh yeah, those are in my toes."

• 7:14Mae Martin?

  Oh my.

• 7:19Tig Notaro?

  But she also saved the, um, like, you guys, she saved the, the vomit and, uh, bed trays.

• 7:29Mae Martin?

  No.

• 7:30Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 7:31Mae Martin?

  Cause how long was she in hospital for?

• 7:33Tig Notaro?

  For a while, I think.

• 7:35Mae Martin?

  Months.

• 7:36Tig Notaro?

  You know, weeks. Um, and she used those for hors d'oeuvres and nuts and snacks.

• 7:42Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 7:43Fortune Feimster?

  My god. You are cut from the same cloth.

• 7:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And I think that anecdote says so much about your mom. Like that is so funny.

• 7:53Tig Notaro?

  She just, she did, uh, funny wild things and she was a funny wild thing. Like she hitchhiked in Colorado in a blizzard, got in a pickup truck that had no windshield in it. She and her, she and her best friend, Tina, who was my godmother, um,

• 8:12Fortune Feimster?

  She hitchhiked and you picked up hitchhikers.

• 8:15Tig Notaro?

  That's right. And, um, I remember my godmother Tina got me, um, shoelaces when I was really little that just said bullshit all over them.

• 8:26Mae Martin?

  A toddler with bullshit places. That's so good.

• 8:29Tig Notaro?

  But anyway, so that's, that, and my father lived in Denver years ago. I think maybe when I was alive, but I don't know, he was hard to track. Um, and then my brother went to school out here. I moved out here as soon as I dropped out of high school. And, um, we just have a lot of, um, connections and old friends and, um, in Denver, Fort Collins, Gunnison, all these different areas. And, um, so anyway, um,

• 9:00Mae Martin?

  That's awesome.

• 9:01Tig Notaro?

  Breckenridge, a lot of, a lot of different places. And, um, it just, yeah, it feels really good pulling into the mountains and having,

• 9:10Mae Martin?

  Deep mountain, mountain mama.

• 9:12Tig Notaro?

  Yes, my heart. And it's just also so fun to see Max and Finn and Stephanie really take to it because Stephanie had absolutely no connection. And, um, she is serious mountain mama, man.

• 9:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, really.

• 9:26Tig Notaro?

  And those little cubs, yeah, they love it. And, and mountain biking and kayaking, rafting. It's just like, it's such a great summertime. People think of Colorado for winter, but it is top-notch summertime getaway.

• 9:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 9:46Mae Martin?

  Nice.

• 9:47Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, that's what I'm up to.

• 9:48Fortune Feimster?

  I love this for you guys.

• 9:50Tig Notaro?

  I love you too. And so what else?

• 9:53Mae Martin?

  I see your yellow background, Fortune. You're, you're in the south.

• 9:57Fortune Feimster?

  The south. I'm in the old south. Yeah, I, uh, this week's been really fun. I, I got to go to two of the World Cup games.

• 10:06Mae Martin?

  So many people messaged me saying Peanut Butter Bitch was on TV.

• 10:13Fortune Feimster?

  Y'all, I made it on television, kind of a big deal. Um, well, the first game I went to was in LA.

• 10:20Tig Notaro?

  I hope our numbers go up and I hope your star meter goes up.

• 10:24Fortune Feimster?

  I hope my star meter's through the roof.

• 10:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, Thomas Checker's star meter.

• 10:28Fortune Feimster?

  My star meter's low right now.

• 10:29Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay.

• 10:30Fortune Feimster?

  Cause I was with Will Ferrell, so his star meter went up high and I was his sidekick.

• 10:37Mae Martin?

  And he was dressed in character, right?

• 10:40Fortune Feimster?

  He wore his hawk, um,

• 10:42Tig Notaro?

  132, you're at 132, Fortune.

• 10:45Mae Martin?

  Then it worked.

• 10:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god.

• 10:46Fortune Feimster?

  Cause I was like, I was like 4,000 a week ago.

• 10:49Tig Notaro?

  Everybody was like, what's that gender?

• 10:54Fortune Feimster?

  It worked. Yeah, I went to the game, the USA game with him. And he's so fun to go to sports with because he loves sports and I really love sporting events too. I get so into it. Um, and he, our seats were, um, down, you know, a lot of the celebrities like him are in these boxes away from everybody, but he likes to be in the mix. So we were in the, in, surrounded by all these people and, um, so they were like doing the camera to these different celebrities in the boxes. And he had his Hawk, um, hat on because to, to promote our, um, uh, TV show for Netflix.

• 11:34Fortune Feimster?

  And nobody knew he was like, the camera guys didn't know he was sitting there. So he kept yelling at the camera guy, trying to get his attention.

• 11:42Mae Martin?

  It's me.

• 11:43Fortune Feimster?

  We all started yelling at the camera guy. Finally the guy looked up at him and saw him and gave him a wink and we're like, okay, well, got a wink. We'll see what happens. So later in the second half, they start going around showing different people in the stadium. And they were showing like Leonardo DiCaprio and like all these different people. And then the, and then I, I said, Will, the camera guy's looking at you. I said, get ready. So it came on me and Will. And the, our whole section starts going nuts because all of us had worked harder to get the camera guy's attention. So we're jumping up and down and I'm pointing at the Hawk hat and he's doing the Hawk thing.

• 12:22Fortune Feimster?

  And they put it on TV and so my phone just started blowing up because I, you know, it's the World Cup. Like I, I, everyone in their mother is watching this thing and it was so funny. Well, except, except your mom.

• 12:38Mae Martin?

  Except your mom, yeah.

• 12:40Fortune Feimster?

  But Will and I turned into like 12, you know, like 12 year olds get pumped when the cameras, the Jumbotron's on them. We turned into those 12 year olds where we're like, oh my God, oh my God. Losing our minds. So, um, it was really funny just seeing us get so giddy about being on a Jumbotron.

• 12:59Tig Notaro?

  Well, and it must be exciting for him just to finally get camera time.

• 13:04Mae Martin?

  I know, finally. Finally get noticed. And America won, right? So were people going nuts?

• 13:09Fortune Feimster?

  They, they lost in the last five seconds.

• 13:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck.

• 13:13Fortune Feimster?

  But it didn't, it didn't affect anything because they were already won the round, thankfully.

• 13:17Mae Martin?

  They're already through yet.

• 13:18Fortune Feimster?

  Um, but man, he is beloved. He, at halftime, it, I said, Will, get ready. And I look up, there is a line of people all the way up the stairs.

• 13:30Mae Martin?

  Ooh.

• 13:30Fortune Feimster?

  Lot of kids, um, just, he basically, it turned into a meet and greet, him taking pictures for the entire, um, halftime. So I was like, I'm going to go get us drinks and hot dogs.

• 13:44Mae Martin?

  And that's so nice though.

• 13:45Fortune Feimster?

  I just left him be and he basically did a meet and greet for everybody. And, um, and then, you know, walking to his car afterwards is, I mean, he's been in so many things for so many years. And he's six, four, what, he's so tall.

• 14:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:01Fortune Feimster?

  And so our whole, we're, we walk, you walk through the, all the parking lots for like 20 something minutes. It's just like one person out there, Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell, you know, you're my boy Blue or like, whatever, whatever quote, you know, more cowbell.

• 14:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:18Fortune Feimster?

  I was like, he is living a very different life than most people. He is just so recognizable, but yeah, uh, it was a blast. Yeah. I had so much fun. And then I got to go to another World Cup game in Atlanta to watch the Congo. They won. That was an incredible game.

• 14:34Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 14:35Fortune Feimster?

  It's just so fun having this huge tournament here in our.

• 14:39Tig Notaro?

  That's incredible.

• 14:40Mae Martin?

  I should go see a game. I just like to see it up close on TV where you can really see.

• 14:46Fortune Feimster?

  Fun too, yeah.

• 14:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I should go see.

• 14:48Fortune Feimster?

  But these fans from all these countries are so passionate and so, I really wish I could see an Argent, Argentina game. Cause their fans are un, unbelievably excited. It's, you, you get wrapped up in that energy. Like everyone's got drums and they're cheering and the sections are full of people. They go nuts. It's like the coolest, like fandom.

• 15:11Mae Martin?

  I have an Argentinian friend called Martina and this year she was like, you know, this year I can't, like, it's so much effort and energy. Like I'm just not going to get into the World Cup this year. And then I just saw an Instagram story of her like,

• 15:25Mae Martin?

  like at this huge party with a drum and everyone's going nuts.

• 15:29Fortune Feimster?

  You can't help it. It's contagious.

• 15:31Mae Martin?

  He scored six goals already in the, yeah, it's crazy.

• 15:35Tig Notaro?

  Now, has Abby still maintained the highest scoring?

• 15:41Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 15:41Tig Notaro?

  Wasn't she?

• 15:42Mae Martin?

  The highest, like.

• 15:43Tig Notaro?

  I thought she was the highest all time.

• 15:46Mae Martin?

  Soccer player?

• 15:48Tig Notaro?

  Of, out of men and women?

• 15:49Fortune Feimster?

  I really don't know.

• 15:51Tig Notaro?

  Is it just Abby and Paley that I know about?

• 15:55Mae Martin?

  I want to know. That's crazy.

• 15:58Tig Notaro?

  She has the most for overall international goals out of men or women.

• 16:04Fortune Feimster?

  Nice.

• 16:04Mae Martin?

  I did not know that. That's absolutely insane.

• 16:07Fortune Feimster?

  Abby was incredible to watch. Oh my God. That was like, Abby was just like a, like a clinch player. Like it would be like, they needed one goal to win. You're down, down to the wire and just somehow it always just like be there.

• 16:24Mae Martin?

  Bam. That's incredible.

• 16:26Fortune Feimster?

  So fun to watch. Uh, that team was incredible with Megan Rapinoe and Tobin Heath and Carly Lloyd. That, I mean, just watching them was, I mean, uh, such, such a unique team. So, I mean, we've had so many great teams in the women's and the men's, the US men's teams, uh, so much better this, this time too.

• 16:50Mae Martin?

  Well, we might notice Thomas looking distracted at some point because Canada's playing in about 15 minutes. And you're, Thomas is going to have it up in a little corner.

• 16:59Fortune Feimster?

  We're recording a little ahead of time, be it because of summertime. Uh, so as of this airing, with a lot of, a lot may have changed in the World Cup.

• 17:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:10Fortune Feimster?

  So just know we're a little, uh, ahead at the moment.

• 17:14Tig Notaro?

  And is Ginger into it?

• 17:16Fortune Feimster?

  No, she's not. She, I mean, she loves it. There's like a cool thing going on. She loves it. I'm into it. But she's never been, she's, I mean, she's grown up with us taking us to all these sporting things.

• 17:30Tig Notaro?

  She's grown up.

• 17:31Fortune Feimster?

  She's grown up. She's, we've grown up with her taking us to sporting events.

• 17:37Tig Notaro?

  It's been such a pleasure watching Ginger growing up.

• 17:47Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I get enough pizza for everyone before calling in an order? Mama mia, I did my pizza math wrong and now we're completely out of pies, but not completely full.

• 17:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. They can save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 18:17Speaker 03

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• 18:46Speaker 05

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• 19:02Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, she's one of those people that if you're like, hey, come, let's go do this thing. She'd be like, great, let's go. But like, she's not, you know, seeking it out.

• 19:10Mae Martin?

  Right. Guys, I, um, I said in the last recording, I wanted to tell you about something that happened with my car.

• 19:17Fortune Feimster?

  Oh yeah.

• 19:18Mae Martin?

  And I've processed it a little more now.

• 19:20Fortune Feimster?

  Oh no, is it a traumatic thing that?

• 19:23Mae Martin?

  Well, so I, and I'm, and I'm back on the road. Let's just start there. And I drove to Idlewild and everything, but what happened?

• 19:31Tig Notaro?

  Stuck?

• 19:33Mae Martin?

  No, what happened?

• 19:34Fortune Feimster?

  How do you do it?

• 19:39Mae Martin?

  Was that a broken horn?

• 19:41Fortune Feimster?

  That's a broken horn.

• 19:42Tig Notaro?

  I guess, but you know, when it won't shut off, it's so funny.

• 19:46Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. No, what happened was, and yeah, maybe you can advise. Well, so I was dropping off some film to get developed at like a strip mall. And so there's a little outdoor parking lot.

• 19:58Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 19:59Mae Martin?

  And I park and then I, I'm leaving and I guess I'm like, I wasn't distracted or anything. And, and there's a, in my periphery, the, a parked car. And I guess I judged where the exit to the little parking lot was based on that car. And I didn't realize there was a concrete wall jutting out.

• 20:18Tig Notaro?

  Little cowboy.

• 20:19Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no.

• 20:20Mae Martin?

  I was the Titanic on an iceberg. I crunched the entire side of my car, like, like destroyed my, and I mean, I was going so slowly too, but I didn't know what was happening. So I kind of just-

• 20:35Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, you just turned into the wall?

• 20:37Mae Martin?

  Uh, yeah, like the corner of my car just hit the wall.

• 20:41Tig Notaro?

  May's knew it, driving still.

• 20:42Mae Martin?

  And just like that, but it gets worse.

• 20:46Fortune Feimster?

  That's the worst when you're, it's like happening and you, it's like time slows down, but you can't stop it.

• 20:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And getting out of it or going into it, you're still scraping and grinding.

• 20:59Mae Martin?

  Cause I was trying to reverse and it was just digging deeper.

• 21:02Tig Notaro?

  Cowboy, tiniest little cowboy.

• 21:05Mae Martin?

  There was a man standing there who kindly told me, hey.

• 21:12Tig Notaro?

  How to drive.

• 21:13Mae Martin?

  You've hit something with your car. I was like, I know. And so I stayed really calm and I got out of the, I was like, I better look at the damage and I get out of the car. And then this woman comes, pops up out of nowhere. Like she kind of, I, I see her in my periphery and she goes, she's like, what the fuck? And I'm like, yeah, I hit the, I hit the one. She goes, you almost ran over my foot. And I said, oh, I said, I'm so sorry. I, I didn't, where were you? I didn't, because she had not been there. She goes, and then within five minutes, she starts saying, you ran over my foot.

• 21:50Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God. She said you almost did? And then she said you did?

• 21:54Mae Martin?

  Then she said I did. And she's walking on this foot.

• 21:56Fortune Feimster?

  She recognized you from the handsome pod.

• 21:58Mae Martin?

  And I'm, I'm like-

• 21:59Tig Notaro?

  She knew that voice anywhere.

• 22:01Mae Martin?

  So I, I said, I'm, I was so confused and rattled, but I'm like really calm. And she's getting more and more hyped up. And she's going, what the fuck? She said, you're fucking up. She goes, I said, I know. I'm really upset. I know. Yeah. I said, I'm, I'm, I'm really upset.

• 22:19Tig Notaro?

  How old was this woman?

• 22:21Mae Martin?

  Maybe thirties.

• 22:22Tig Notaro?

  That's troublemaker.

• 22:24Mae Martin?

  I start to realize like something's up with this woman, right? And she, I said, I'm so sorry. I'm confused. And I'm like, looking her in the eye. I said, did I, did I hit your body? Like, did I? And she won't answer. She won't lie directly to my face, but she keeps going, you're, and then she stands in front of my car. She says, you're not leaving. Then she starts going, Armando.

• 22:44Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, not Armando.

• 22:46Mae Martin?

  Armando. And I'm like, who's Armando?

• 22:49Tig Notaro?

  He was there too?

• 22:50Mae Martin?

  She goes, I'm calling my brother and.

• 22:53Fortune Feimster?

  What's Armando gonna do?

• 22:55Mae Martin?

  Well, killing, I guess.

• 22:56Tig Notaro?

  We're about to find out.

• 22:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:58Fortune Feimster?

  Armando's in the mafia.

• 23:00Mae Martin?

  So I'm looking around. I'm like, I'm, and then I see this old lady in a car that's parked near me and she's looking at me and she's going like that. And I'm like, what? And I go, did I hit her? And she goes, no. She goes, get back in your car, drive away. And I'm like, okay. And then I said to the woman, hey, this lady says I didn't hit you. Then the old lady is pissed at me for ratting her out and she just rolls up her, rolls up her window, drives away.

• 23:23Fortune Feimster?

  The old lady's giving you the bird?

• 23:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah. So she's-

• 23:26Fortune Feimster?

  This is a mess, May.

• 23:27Mae Martin?

  I know. So she's blocking my-

• 23:29Tig Notaro?

  The woman said you're messing up.

• 23:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then I, I said to the woman, okay, I, I said, you can't just block me in here. I said, let's check the security cameras.

• 23:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 23:40Mae Martin?

  You know, and I said, I said, do you want me to, I can call the police? She goes, no, I'm calling them. I'm calling them. Then we both make fake phone calls to the cops. Cause neither of us want to call them. So I make a fake, I go, hi, hi, is this the police? There's a woman blocking my way. And she goes, yep, police are on their way. She doesn't even say anything to them.

• 23:59Fortune Feimster?

  And you guys both are doing this with your fingers?

• 24:04Tig Notaro?

  And does she seem crazy?

• 24:06Mae Martin?

  She's starting to seem pretty strung out. Yeah.

• 24:09Tig Notaro?

  The way she looked, oh, she seems strung out, like on drugs?

• 24:12Fortune Feimster?

  She's just waiting for someone to smash into a brick wall so that this could happen.

• 24:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Like she doesn't seem like, like an unhoused person. Like she seems, you know, she's got her phone, but she's, she's pretty manic. And um,

• 24:26Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, did Armando ever come over?

• 24:28Mae Martin?

  Well, so she's yelling at Armando. Then she says to me, you gotta go to an ATM and cash me out. And I'm like,

• 24:34Fortune Feimster?

  I knew it. So I knew this was coming.

• 24:37Mae Martin?

  And so I'm like, what do I do? Because part of it, there's like the 1% of my brain that's like, did I run over her foot?

• 24:43Fortune Feimster?

  And then I gave her $5,000.

• 24:45Mae Martin?

  No. And, but you wouldn't be walking on your foot if you ran over. And she, I keep saying to her, I, I, what's interesting is that she won't lie to my face. Cause I, I said, can you look me in the eye and tell me, did I hit you with my car? And she, she won't say that I did. She's just blocking the car. And then I said, okay, uh, I'm gonna park. And a part of me is like, give me your, I said, if you want to give me your Venmo, I said, I'm not gonna go to the ATM. If it's gonna take a hundred dollars for you to get out of my way and we can both go on our days, like, fine. And she still is blocking the way and going, Armando. And I'm like, Armando will kill me. I don't know who he is or if he's real. And then, so I said,

• 25:25Mae Martin?

  I'm just gonna park. And she went, turned her back for one second and I just reversed and I went out the other exit of the place. And thank God, my car was still functioning, but it's all destroyed. I was like shaking. And then I got home and then I've had to put my car in the shop and stuff, but I was like, I, I, what is that about? Have you had that where someone's trying to get money out of you?

• 25:51Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I'm sure that's a thing.

• 25:54Tig Notaro?

  I mean, I told you how I got bamboozled on my, wait, I don't know if you did.

• 26:00Mae Martin?

  No. Who'd you get bamboozled by?

• 26:02Tig Notaro?

  Well, I, I didn't tell you how there's a rule in our house that I'm not allowed to push buttons anymore?

• 26:10Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think you did. This is not something-

• 26:13Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, you remember this? When I got bamboozled? This is a long time ago.

• 26:18Fortune Feimster?

  But we didn't talk about it on the pod, right?

• 26:20Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Well, it's embarrassing, but I'll share it. Um, it was a long time ago, um, probably a decade or so. And, um, I was on my computer and it froze and this message popped up and said, you've been hacked. Call this number and we can, and I was like, I was like, oh gosh. And so I called the number and they were like, uh, you know, if you pay us this, we can get your, your computer unlocked. And so I paid and I was so, I was like, thank you so much. I want to get my assistant this protection. I want to get my wife this protection. And so, um, so I, I was, Thomas was my assistant at the time and he was helping

• 27:05Tig Notaro?

  me do something with my, um, with my money. Cause clearly I needed help with that. And he was like, Tig, what is this payment here? And I was like, oh, I meant to tell you, I want to get you this protection. And he was like, he Googled the company. He goes, this is a scam. This is not, they, they, they robbed you. And I was like, what? And, um, and so I told Stephanie about it. And then you guys, I don't know if it's good that I'm announcing this to the world, but I've changed. I am not as,

• 27:39Fortune Feimster?

  You're not gullible anymore.

• 27:41Tig Notaro?

  No. And, um, so Stephanie overhears me, take a phone call, which is the bamboozling company calling to see if I'm happy with their, their, uh, product. And I was like, how dare you? I was like, I found out you guys robbed me. I want my money back. And then they, the guy says, uh, man, we didn't rob you, but we're happy to refund your money. Just open your website, your, uh, bank account. And so I'm in my office and I'm like on the computer and I'm like-

• 28:11Mae Martin?

  They robbed you again?

• 28:12Tig Notaro?

  No, no, no. Stephanie overhears me in the office. She comes in, she goes, what are you doing? And I was like, this is that company. I told them that we caught them and that they, and, and, and they're gonna refund my money. And she goes, close your bank account. She was like, they're about to rob you again. I go, no, no, no. They're refunding me the money. And she was like, hang up the phone. And I was like, oh my God, you're trying to rob me again. And then-

• 28:41Tig Notaro?

  And then after-

• 28:42Fortune Feimster?

  He's like, I'm so sorry. We'll overturn your money. Go back into your bank account.

• 28:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, open your, your bank account.

• 28:48Fortune Feimster?

  Hilarious.

• 28:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And then, um, after that happened, Stephanie was like, you are not allowed to push any buttons in this house. You're not allowed to answer the phone. You're not allowed to answer the door. You're not allowed to get on your computer. You can't turn the TV on. Cause anytime I turn the TV on, the whole house blows up. And so it's a, a rule that's been in our family for a decade now that I'm not allowed to push buttons.

• 29:14Fortune Feimster?

  That's so, he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. You can definitely take care of this.

• 29:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 29:21Mae Martin?

  Isn't it, it's so like galling, talking to someone going, you're, you're robbing me. And they're, and like, it is so, yeah.

• 29:29Tig Notaro?

  It's so crazy. And it's also like, what is wrong with me? It's like, I'm the person that people thought was cool. I smoked. I, you know what I mean? Like, I, I can like-

• 29:42Mae Martin?

  You're bamboozling me.

• 29:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. You're, you've lied to me again.

• 29:48Tig Notaro?

  But I have this weird part of my personality where I can sniff out certain things that-

• 29:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 29:57Tig Notaro?

  You know, like, I feel like I have an extra sense, but then I also have a problem. I think it, I think it's a power and a weakness. Sometimes it's that often I just take people for face value. And if people tell me something, see, I probably shouldn't be saying this.

• 30:17Mae Martin?

  Or you don't, like, you wouldn't assume ill intent with someone who's like-

• 30:22Tig Notaro?

  Agenda.

• 30:23Mae Martin?

  But it's pretty rare that someone is like blatantly lying to you confidently like that. It's so hard to sniff that out. Cause you're, you would just never assume that someone's just blatantly lying.

• 30:33Tig Notaro?

  Right. But then there's certain people and personality types or behavior where I'm like, I don't like that. You know what I mean? But then somebody calls and just bamboozles me. I mean, if Stephanie had not been home and I had been by myself, I can't even imagine. Or if Thomas hadn't found that, isn't that what happened, Thomas? Am I remembering this all correctly?

• 30:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 30:57Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my gosh.

• 30:58Speaker 06

  You were convinced it was Apple, but it was just-

• 31:02Tig Notaro?

  Bamboozling. It was so humiliating. It was so humiliating. Like I really came down hard on myself on that. I was like, what is wrong with me?

• 31:14Fortune Feimster?

  Well, yeah, I'm sure it feels very disorienting.

• 31:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I think it was, it was like the beginning of my relationship and I, I feel like, even though it was Stephanie and I had a sense of humor about it, it was like the early, like first couple of years of being together. And I just felt like a loser. I was like-

• 31:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah. You were like, do you think of me differently?

• 31:36Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, I should know better.

• 31:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Anyway, whatever. It was a learning curve. And I think it's, uh, I, I don't think I was as tech savvy. Not that I'm terribly tech savvy now.

• 31:51Speaker 06

  You would fall for that now.

• 31:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. But I feel like also since that happened, I constantly send Thomas things and go, is this real? What is this? I'll screenshot things and I'll be like, should I click on this? Is this-

• 32:03Speaker 06

  But that's good.

• 32:04Tig Notaro?

  No, I know. But like I, yeah, but that all stems from that. Like even now, even though you're not my assistant, I'll be like, is this weird? Is this real? And he'll be like, delete that. Don't click on that.

• 32:16Speaker 06

  The answer is always yes.

• 32:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 03

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• 32:55Mae Martin?

  So should I like not go back to that film photography place? Like what happens if I bump into this woman again? She took pictures of my license plate and stuff, but I didn't, I, I don't know.

• 33:08Fortune Feimster?

  Well, she would have no proof that you did it because it didn't happen.

• 33:11Mae Martin?

  No, or the, the security cameras would, would-

• 33:14Fortune Feimster?

  Because you literally had someone watch the whole thing go down and be like, that did not happen.

• 33:18Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 33:18Tig Notaro?

  But wait, are you saying like she might hang out at that photo place?

• 33:22Mae Martin?

  It seemed like she hung out there because she was yelling that Armando was in a nearby house and stuff. I might just go to a different, it was also embarrassing because there's really hot queer people that work at this photo lab.

• 33:34Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, hot queer people.

• 33:35Mae Martin?

  I had just been in there-

• 33:37Fortune Feimster?

  Stay away from there.

• 33:38Mae Martin?

  Chatting to these cool people. And then they saw this whole thing play out of me being like, I, I'm already upset about my vehicle.

• 33:45Tig Notaro?

  Picture me and May handling a bamboozling together, teaming up.

• 33:51Mae Martin?

  Now look me in the eye. Tell me you're not bamboozling me.

• 33:55Fortune Feimster?

  Ma'am, I need you to be honest.

• 33:57Tig Notaro?

  I so relate to that. I so relate.

• 34:01Mae Martin?

  I said to her, yeah, look me, can you look me in the eye and tell me, did I hit your body? I kept saying that phrase, but like, what would I have done if she was just like, yes, and lying? I would have been like, okay.

• 34:12Tig Notaro?

  Well, then you doubt yourself. That, that, yeah. Yeah. Go to a new place. Go to a new place. Don't take any more pictures.

• 34:20Mae Martin?

  I really though, it's, it made me feel so stupid with my car. I felt so embarrassed because I was like, I just drove into a wall there. Like what, how does that happen?

• 34:31Tig Notaro?

  Listen, I bought, um, computer safety, uh, for everybody.

• 34:36Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it just happens. Sometimes you just have a total brain fart. And it's like, yeah. And, and you'll be like, why did I do that? Like, for sure.

• 34:46Mae Martin?

  Have you done that? Have you like clipped a parked car or done something like that?

• 34:52Tig Notaro?

  Or driven into a wall?

• 34:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:55Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, yeah, you always do something stupid. Like I drove off a curb and it scraped the whole bottom of my car. And you're like, why did I, why did I not just like pull, go left a little bit?

• 35:07Tig Notaro?

  Was that recent?

• 35:08Fortune Feimster?

  Like a couple of years ago, but yeah, there's always like something of like, God, that was so stupid. Yeah. I know, I know better than that.

• 35:15Mae Martin?

  It was a good reminder because I, I had been feeling really confident and good. And now I'm like, I-

• 35:22Fortune Feimster?

  But that's also just being on a, driving a vehicle, you know, they're very large cars that, you know, that's why you always tell yourself that you need to be very present.

• 35:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh my Lord. Anyway, that was the anecdote.

• 35:36Tig Notaro?

  Online. Um, yeah. Should we, uh, should we-

• 35:42Fortune Feimster?

  Get to our question?

• 35:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 35:43Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 35:43Tig Notaro?

  To the question.

• 35:44Mae Martin?

  We should. Today's question asker is an Emmy winning, Grammy nominated actor, comedian and writer who starred in movies like Ratatouille and Young Adult and TV shows like The Goldbergs. His new standup special, Tea and Scotch, is available to watch now on YouTube. Patton Oswalt is asking today's question.

• 36:01Fortune Feimster?

  Woo hoo. Tea and Scotch. What a combo.

• 36:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 07

  Hey guys, it's, uh, Patton Oswalt. I am in Tarrytown, New York, also known as Sleepy Hollow, home of the Headless Horseman. And that got me to thinking, if there was an urban myth or a cryptid that could be proven to be real and exist and true, uh, what would you want to be proven to be real? Uh, this of course being the town of the legendary Headless Horseman.

• 36:34Tig Notaro?

  Oh, this is so at May's alley. Yeah. Classic May. When Thomas is like, May can't wait to get to Patton's question. I was like, God, I wonder what Patton's question is. And-

• 36:46Fortune Feimster?

  And I, I'm here going like, God, what is an, wait, what urban myth can I think of? I don't even-

• 36:52Tig Notaro?

  It's also classic Patton. It's just perfectly him and it's perfectly you.

• 36:59Mae Martin?

  I think we'd get along. I don't, I've, I've met him a couple of- A couple of times, but never like properly chatted. So he's into nerdy stuff like that?

• 37:07Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God. His whole brand is nerd. Yeah.

• 37:10Mae Martin?

  Oh, really? Okay.

• 37:12Fortune Feimster?

  And he's so knowledgeable about all of it. You guys would like go into a deep hole of conversation for sure.

• 37:19Tig Notaro?

  And never come out. If I could just say also, I completely forgot he was in Young Adult. Um, did you guys see that movie?

• 37:29Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that's right. Was that with Charlize?

• 37:30Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 37:32Fortune Feimster?

  My doppelganger.

• 37:33Mae Martin?

  Where she's like-

• 37:38Mae Martin?

  Is it where she goes back to her hometown and she's, does he make out with her?

• 37:43Tig Notaro?

  I don't even remember what it's about, but I remember loving it. Diablo Cody wrote it.

• 37:49Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 37:49Tig Notaro?

  And, okay, yeah. And Stephanie and I, when we got together, we both not only loved Young Adult, we went to the theater to see it numerous times.

• 38:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, wow. Really?

• 38:05Fortune Feimster?

  You guys really didn't like it?

• 38:06Tig Notaro?

  Really loved that film.

• 38:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 38:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. In fact, that is the reason I had Diablo Cody on my list of who I wanted to write my Amazon series One Mississippi with. And that's who I ended up working on it with because I was like, I loved the tone of Young Adult.

• 38:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we should get a question from her.

• 38:29Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah. We could reach out, see if she'd do that.

• 38:33Mae Martin?

  I know her. Brooke.

• 38:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:35Mae Martin?

  AKA Brooke.

• 38:36Tig Notaro?

  AKA.

• 38:37Fortune Feimster?

  Diablo is a much cooler name.

• 38:39Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm. I sort of thought that this question was more about mythical creatures and less about like a cryptids are more like a yeti, right?

• 38:51Fortune Feimster?

  I have to admit, I've never heard cryptid.

• 38:53Mae Martin?

  A cryptid is like a zoological marvel that people always say is real, like a, like a giant

• 39:03Mae Martin?

  squid or kraken.

• 39:05Fortune Feimster?

  Or like a centaur or something?

• 39:09Mae Martin?

  I think a centaur is more like a mythological creature from myths and legends and stories. But a cryptid is more like the Sasquatch, the Loch Ness monster.

• 39:19Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay.

• 39:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that have never been proven.

• 39:21Fortune Feimster?

  Bigfoot or something?

• 39:22Mae Martin?

  Yes. Yeah, totally.

• 39:24Fortune Feimster?

  Okay. Oh, I guess that is the Sasquatch. Is that the same thing as Sasquatch?

• 39:28Mae Martin?

  I think so, right? Yeah, yeti.

• 39:30Fortune Feimster?

  So it's either an urban myth or a cryptid that you wish were true?

• 39:35Mae Martin?

  I mean, I want them all to be true. I want to live in that kind of world.

• 39:39Fortune Feimster?

  Google some urban myths because none of them are coming to light for me.

• 39:44Mae Martin?

  I mean, I was really excited because I was going down the road of like, what, yeah, what mythical creature? And I was thinking about how, um,

• 39:51Tig Notaro?

  So you're not as excited?

• 39:53Mae Martin?

  I'm.

• 39:57Fortune Feimster?

  There is not as into it.

• 39:58Mae Martin?

  I need to switch gears in my brain. I am still thrilled.

• 40:03Tig Notaro?

  This is, you know, a pretty basic, obvious, probably biggest one, but would be Bigfoot. I mean, how fun would it be? Or Loch Ness monster?

• 40:14Mae Martin?

  I mean, can you imagine if it was like, no, it's real. Yeah, there's a giant, well, Loch Ness monster is probably the most likely to be real because we don't know what

• 40:23Tig Notaro?

  Because why?

• 40:25Mae Martin?

  Well, because there are species deep in the ocean that we don't, you know, prehistoric aquatic dinosaurs.

• 40:32Tig Notaro?

  Aren't they in a lake or something?

• 40:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That's Scottish.

• 40:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 40:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 40:38Tig Notaro?

  It's like in a lagoon or something.

• 40:41Mae Martin?

  And we do have the technology.

• 40:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we could just go swimming and feel around.

• 40:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:46Tig Notaro?

  You don't even need technology. We could just swim. We could, we could put a bunch of people in the, um, I think, is it a lagoon that the Loch?

• 40:56Mae Martin?

  It's a lake.

• 40:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 40:58Mae Martin?

  Because Loch is a lake.

• 40:59Tig Notaro?

  What makes something a lake and what makes something a lagoon?

• 41:03Fortune Feimster?

  A lagoon is at Disney World.

• 41:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 41:06Tig Notaro?

  Thanks, Fortune.

• 41:11Fortune Feimster?

  I really don't know.

• 41:12Mae Martin?

  Doesn't, isn't a lagoon?

• 41:14Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, can you let us know?

• 41:15Fortune Feimster?

  Thomas, can you help us?

• 41:16Tig Notaro?

  Let's hear what May thinks a lagoon is.

• 41:18Mae Martin?

  Okay, yeah, let's see. Because I would confidently say that a lagoon is an inlet

• 41:26Tig Notaro?

  inlet.

• 41:26Mae Martin?

  off of the ocean. That's like, maybe with a, with that a river feeds into.

• 41:32Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. I believe it is a bean. A lagoon. Very good.

• 41:40Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, I need you to mute yourself and walk away.

• 41:45Fortune Feimster?

  It's often flicked.

• 41:47Tig Notaro?

  And walk this off. Okay?

• 41:51Mae Martin?

  Okay, Thomas says a lagoon is.

• 41:53Fortune Feimster?

  That's flicked.

• 41:54Mae Martin?

  A shallow, sound channel

• 41:58Tig Notaro?

  Channel or pond.

• 42:00Mae Martin?

  near or communicating with a larger body of water.

• 42:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I love it when bodies of water communicate.

• 42:06Mae Martin?

  Me too. It's so hot.

• 42:08Tig Notaro?

  Because isn't like a runoff from the ocean? Isn't that a bayou?

• 42:13Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, God, now we've got to Google bayou.

• 42:17Tig Notaro?

  This is a disaster.

• 42:18Fortune Feimster?

  Which is also at Disney World.

• 42:22Mae Martin?

  You know what I would, what I hope is not real that I really don't want is a werewolf? Or, and I would hate to be a werewolf more than anything.

• 42:31Fortune Feimster?

  Well, now we have to tell you what a bayou is.

• 42:34Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 42:36Fortune Feimster?

  A creek, a secondary water course, or minor river that is tributary to another body of water.

• 42:43Mae Martin?

  Now we got to Google secondary water course. Yeah, tributary. And I wouldn't mind Googling secondary water course as well.

• 42:54Tig Notaro?

  Can I tell you, to go back to Bigfoot, I just remember as a kid being in the woods and always, always looking for Bigfoot or looking, looking for prints on the ground and hoping that he was going to run by.

• 43:15Mae Martin?

  And Bigfoot wasn't really alive for you?

• 43:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Quicksand, Bigfoot, all of that stuff. When I was in the, when, you know, Huckleberry Tig was out in the woods. I was, um, I was always on the lookout and I told you, had my little clipboard and took notes and followed little bird tracks into the woods and would follow the, the river, creek, or sewage ditch as far as it would go.

• 43:46Mae Martin?

  The clipboard is really, is really a good part of the image.

• 43:50Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 43:50Mae Martin?

  I read a news story recently about a guy who was, there was an owl in the next yard. And so this guy was making owl sounds and forming a friendship with this owl back and forth. And then it turned out it was just his neighbor also making owl sounds. They were both just, they both thought they were having this like beautiful connection.

• 44:09Tig Notaro?

  With, with nature. Well, yeah, I'm going to stick with, um, I'll say Bigfoot because I feel like it's, it's so specifically tied to my childhood and, and I've searched for Bigfoot so many times.

• 44:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:25Tig Notaro?

  To know.

• 44:27Mae Martin?

  I mean, maybe if urban, maybe Atlantis would be cool to discover.

• 44:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:32Mae Martin?

  Something that doesn't fit with the paradigm of history, like something that was way too advanced for when it was. Something like that would be cool.

• 44:40Fortune Feimster?

  Like a, a city under the ocean, you mean?

• 44:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Well, Atlantis was not originally under the ocean, apparently, but was, is now under the ocean. But yeah, it'd be very cool to find an underwater city.

• 44:53Fortune Feimster?

  Under the sea, darling, it's better down where it's wetter. Take it from me. I would love to see a singing crab.

• 45:05Tig Notaro?

  Can anyone make that happen?

• 45:09Fortune Feimster?

  I would love for Sebastian to be real.

• 45:12Tig Notaro?

  Is that Disney?

• 45:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, girl.

• 45:16Mae Martin?

  There's like a Japanese thing called a kitsune that's like a fox spirit. That's just very sexy, like a, they're shapeshifters, they're tricksters, they're playful, they're always falling in love with humans. They can bend. No, this is a mythic creature. So sorry.

• 45:37Fortune Feimster?

  They all seem the same to me.

• 45:38Tig Notaro?

  We started out very excited about this question. This is going very sideways and you should have an answer on the tip of your tongue, May.

• 45:49Fortune Feimster?

  Well, May said Atlantis.

• 45:51Mae Martin?

  Atlantis.

• 45:52Tig Notaro?

  I wasn't listening.

• 45:53Fortune Feimster?

  Going into a mythical creature, not a cryptid.

• 45:56Tig Notaro?

  Okay, Fortune, what do you have?

• 45:58Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, I had to Google urban myths.

• 46:02Fortune Feimster?

  Because I, I just, you know, I lose sight of how many are out there because I hear like these urban myths and you just go, whatever, that's not real. So.

• 46:13Mae Martin?

  Or a lot of them are.

• 46:14Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think about it, you know?

• 46:15Mae Martin?

  I present them as facts.

• 46:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 46:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:19Fortune Feimster?

  Well, there, I'll give you a, one that was intriguing that I heard about at a comedy club. I was doing a show in Huntsville, Alabama.

• 46:28Tig Notaro?

  Congrats.

• 46:29Fortune Feimster?

  There was a town nearby that had a, um, a long road that had like a dip in it where it like dips down and then there's a, a hill up. And I guess, I don't, I could be butchering this story, but there was an accident there at some point. So they swear that if you. Park your car in the dip that something will carry your car up. Start carrying it up the hill. Like your car will start moving on its own up the hill. I don't know. But that would be kind of cool if that was real.

• 47:05Mae Martin?

  Guess who has a car and is gonna try this out.

• 47:08Fortune Feimster?

  So that would be kind of cool.

• 47:10Tig Notaro?

  And it's only in Huntsville, Alabama?

• 47:12Fortune Feimster?

  Or some neighboring town. I don't think it's in Huntsville, but everyone knew about it. And I think it would be cool to try to test that out.

• 47:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:22Fortune Feimster?

  And then, then I looked up.

• 47:24Tig Notaro?

  No, that's it.

• 47:25Fortune Feimster?

  No, I want more.

• 47:27Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 47:28Fortune Feimster?

  No, I'm giving you more.

• 47:29Mae Martin?

  I got one too.

• 47:30Fortune Feimster?

  On this, on this list of urban myths, um, from the test of time, there are two that are very intriguing to me. Uh, one is the alligators in the sewer system.

• 47:42Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 47:42Fortune Feimster?

  Do you know about these?

• 47:43Tig Notaro?

  Bite your bottom. They come up and bite you?

• 47:45Fortune Feimster?

  They, there was like, they used to just believe that there was all these alligators and especially like in the sewer systems of like New York. I don't know why this is like fascinating to people, but.

• 47:55Tig Notaro?

  And that was a long time ago, right? The alligators?

• 47:57Fortune Feimster?

  Apparently that a long time ago, they just believed there were alligators in the sewer systems and that.

• 48:02Mae Martin?

  So you want, you, you want that to be true?

• 48:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, why not?

• 48:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 48:06Fortune Feimster?

  Let's, uh, let's spice things up down there.

• 48:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah, very like Gotham City.

• 48:11Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you know, they, it suggests that the, that these alligators originated from pet owners who, you know, after purchasing an alligator realizes it's too hard to keep an alligator. So they just dumped them off somewhere. So now there's all these alligators in the sewer. Um, but, but one that's more, that feels more, um, like cool is the, uh, Curse of the Pharaohs. You know about that?

• 48:37Mae Martin?

  No.

• 48:37Tig Notaro?

  No, what are you reading on Google?

• 48:40Fortune Feimster?

  I am. The curse of the pharaohs, uh, has captivated the world for over a century.

• 48:45Tig Notaro?

  Are these your own words?

• 48:47Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 48:48Mae Martin?

  Is this the?

• 48:52Mae Martin?

  Is this about like anyone who excavates the tombs is cursed? Yes. Well, that's, that is true. That's a hundred percent true.

• 49:01Fortune Feimster?

  The legend warns that if anyone who dares disturb the tomb of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, will suffer dire consequences.

• 49:10Tig Notaro?

  Those are your, your own words.

• 49:13Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 49:14Mae Martin?

  That sounds like fortune.

• 49:15Fortune Feimster?

  Often in the form of violent premature deaths, incurable illnesses or unexplained misfortunes.

• 49:23Mae Martin?

  Ah.

• 49:24Fortune Feimster?

  It's, the curse is said to be a supernatural force placed upon the burial sites of the mighty rulers of Egypt.

• 49:31Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 49:32Fortune Feimster?

  To protect them from grave robbers and those who would dare violate their sacred resting place.

• 49:39Mae Martin?

  That's really.

• 49:40Fortune Feimster?

  I would, I think that should be true because.

• 49:43Mae Martin?

  I mean, that's like pretty demonstrably true, isn't it? Like we should be able to prove that.

• 49:49Fortune Feimster?

  There's stuff, there's stuff behind it saying that, uh, the legend gained worldwide fame because following the discovery of King Tut's tomb in 1922, by this archaeologist, Howard Carter, and this is all from memory. I'm not reading this.

• 50:06Tig Notaro?

  No, no, it sounds like your own words. And I'm assuming after you finish telling us that you'll also tell us what tributary is.

• 50:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In your own words.

• 50:17Fortune Feimster?

  They said that shortly after opening the tomb, several members of the expedition.

• 50:22Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 50:22Fortune Feimster?

  Um, including the, the wealthy guy who funded the excavation, they died under mysterious circumstances.

• 50:30Tig Notaro?

  Can we be finished with this?

• 50:32Fortune Feimster?

  No, the wealthy guy passed away, uh, months after, um, due to blood poisoning caused by an infected mosquito bite.

• 50:40Tig Notaro?

  All right. Well, should we hear what Pat?

• 50:42Fortune Feimster?

  Pharaoh, it seems like a pharaoh thing. Another one, um.

• 50:47Tig Notaro?

  Jesus, fortune. This is enough. You didn't know what they were and now you're just.

• 50:52Fortune Feimster?

  People stuff from my old memory of history.

• 50:56Mae Martin?

  The mosquito bite feels like.

• 50:59Fortune Feimster?

  That that is, that that was real.

• 51:01Mae Martin?

  Mosquito. Yeah.

• 51:02Tig Notaro?

  Wait, this is your memory of history?

• 51:05Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I have a vast memory of ancient Egypt. Although I did take an ancient Egypt class in college.

• 51:13Tig Notaro?

  Of course.

• 51:13Fortune Feimster?

  But I did not, um, I did not learn about this anyway. I think that's kind of cool and I think it should be real because don't mess with these pharaohs.

• 51:23Mae Martin?

  That's right. Yeah, I think so. I always thought like when the, that disaster happened, when they were gonna go explore the Titanic, remember?

• 51:30Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh.

• 51:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 51:31Mae Martin?

  I was like, well, they're messing with a, basically a grave site. Like maybe there's something, I don't know. But I, the, uh, I want it to be true that.

• 51:41Tig Notaro?

  Imagine getting into a submarine, but anyone could not.

• 51:43Fortune Feimster?

  Right?

• 51:44Tig Notaro?

  What the hell are you thinking? I got on into one that was on land and I was like, I gotta get out of here.

• 51:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, even if someone said, it's just, it's for a photo shoot. It'll be fun. We'll just go down a few feet.

• 51:56Fortune Feimster?

  No, thank you. I want to get in a submarine as, uh, like a little baby submarine as much as I want to get in a space shuttle.

• 52:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 52:04Fortune Feimster?

  Meaning I don't want to do either of them.

• 52:06Tig Notaro?

  I, I got what you meant. I totally followed that, man.

• 52:09Fortune Feimster?

  The bottom of the ocean and I don't need to go to the galaxy.

• 52:12Tig Notaro?

  Top of the world.

• 52:12Fortune Feimster?

  Hostile environments not meant for us.

• 52:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I'm good.

• 52:17Mae Martin?

  No.

• 52:18Fortune Feimster?

  No, it's Jeff Bezos.

• 52:21Mae Martin?

  The urban legend.

• 52:21Tig Notaro?

  And he listens, you know, he listens to the show.

• 52:24Fortune Feimster?

  Beam me up, Scotty.

• 52:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's my old show.

• 52:27Fortune Feimster?

  I know that's your stomping grounds, but I'm just saying, I don't, I don't need to go to either place.

• 52:32Tig Notaro?

  Nobody's inviting you.

• 52:33Fortune Feimster?

  Good.

• 52:34Tig Notaro?

  Okay, fine then.

• 52:38Tig Notaro?

  Should we hear what Patton has to say?

• 52:40Fortune Feimster?

  We should.

• 52:41Mae Martin?

  But wait, real quick.

• 52:43Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes, what is it?

• 52:44Fortune Feimster?

  I just really quick, I want to say.

• 52:46Mae Martin?

  I'm down to see it. Darling, it's better, don't worry, it's better. Take it from me. Sorry. I want to say, there's a documentary about a guy who, um, went around to all these mystical people at saying, put a curse on me. I want to say, see if it's real. Curse me. So I want to watch that documentary. Not sure what happened. And then also, sorry for adding that when it went nowhere, but also.

• 53:10Tig Notaro?

  It was very helpful for the episode. Yeah.

• 53:13Mae Martin?

  Also, the urban myth that I want to be true is that Stanley Kubrick filmed the moon landings. He was part of that, of a conspiracy and that, uh, he confessed to that in The Shining. And there are clues all through it of him confessing. And there's a whole documentary, very compelling.

• 53:30Tig Notaro?

  Uh, is this why people think you spread conspiracy theories?

• 53:34Mae Martin?

  This is why people think I'm a gullible, immature, flaky little.

• 53:40Tig Notaro?

  Cowboy. You know, and before we go to, to, to, um, um, Patton, when you were little, was, do you remember that thing where you look into the mirror and you count or something and then?

• 53:54Mae Martin?

  You say Bloody Mary. Was that what it was?

• 53:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they kill you.

• 53:58Fortune Feimster?

  You say Bloody Mary in the mirror or something?

• 54:00Mae Martin?

  Candyman, Candyman as well. Yeah. Did you guys all try that?

• 54:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and I lived.

• 54:05Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 54:05Mae Martin?

  You lived.

• 54:06Fortune Feimster?

  You're not testing fate.

• 54:07Tig Notaro?

  I had a babysitter that would come over and, uh.

• 54:12Fortune Feimster?

  Scare the shit out of you.

• 54:14Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 54:15Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 54:16Tig Notaro?

  Um, but anyway.

• 54:17Fortune Feimster?

  Terrible.

• 54:18Tig Notaro?

  Yes, but you know, I turned out fine.

• 54:20Fortune Feimster?

  Wild.

• 54:21Tig Notaro?

  That was the seventies.

• 54:22Mae Martin?

  Oh, seventies.

• 54:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. They were, they were wilder.

• 54:27Mae Martin?

  But no wonder you were out in, out in the woods terrified of Sasquatches and.

• 54:33Tig Notaro?

  Well, I was searching. I was searching.

• 54:35Mae Martin?

  What would you do if you found it?

• 54:37Tig Notaro?

  Uh, probably hide behind a tree and peek.

• 54:40Mae Martin?

  And just observe.

• 54:41Tig Notaro?

  Take some notes on my clipboard. Who's the nerd now, Patton? All right, let's, let's see what Patton has to say.

• 54:49Speaker 07

  I don't know why, but I would really, really love it if the Loch Ness monster was real. I think that would be really cool if there was just this giant dinosaur that managed to find a way to live in a lake in Scotland. There's something very beautiful about that. So my choice is the Loch Ness monster. All right. Uh, keep your heads about you.

• 55:12Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I thought he was gonna say keep it handsome.

• 55:14Mae Martin?

  Oh, me too. Yeah, yeah.

• 55:16Fortune Feimster?

  He said, keep your heads about you because of the Headless Horseman.

• 55:19Tig Notaro?

  Duh.

• 55:20Fortune Feimster?

  Duh. Don't know if you guys know what a callback is.

• 55:24Tig Notaro?

  Duh.

• 55:26Fortune Feimster?

  Duh.

• 55:30Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you guys. Does anyone want to know more about the ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

• 55:36Mae Martin?

  Honestly, yes. I would do, I could do another hour.

• 55:39Tig Notaro?

  Wait, I just saw Thomas yelled, "Mermaids!"

• 55:43Fortune Feimster?

  Is that from, um, the Under the Sea?

• 55:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, just because that could, I would

• 55:50Mae Martin?

  That could be encrypted.

• 55:51Speaker 06

  if mermaids were real.

• 55:52Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you were like, I really want to weigh in on this, too.

• 55:55Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:55Mae Martin?

  We find out Thomas has a mermaid fetish.

• 55:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I was gonna say, would you guys date a mermaid? I know you would, May.

• 56:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I would.

• 56:05Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not much of a water gal as far as being in the ocean, so it's not for me.

• 56:11Tig Notaro?

  Oh, what if she would swim in your tits-out tub?

• 56:15Mae Martin?

  Tits-out tub. It might be nice to have a mermaid in the tits-out tub.

• 56:18Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe, now we're talking.

• 56:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 56:21Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, okay, I'll reconsider.

• 56:24Mae Martin?

  But she'd have to be kind of a, the mermaid would have to be kind of a top, because

• 56:30Tig Notaro?

  Okay, you could get a merman.

• 56:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah, a merman would be good.

• 56:34Fortune Feimster?

  What do you mean by, oh, because of the whole?

• 56:38Mae Martin?

  Go down below the waist, really. But if the mermaid was doing all that stuff, then great. Anyway, okay. Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 56:47Tig Notaro?

  That was a very fun episode.

• 56:49Mae Martin?

  It really was.

• 56:50Tig Notaro?

  Patton's question really took us on a ride.

• 56:52Fortune Feimster?

  Really, a roller coaster.

• 56:55Tig Notaro?

  You know what I want to say to our listeners? If you are a handsome listener that is a public figure and you have a question for us, send it in. We might choose you. Come on, send it on in.

• 57:09Mae Martin?

  We just started getting random videos from people. One from Kid Rock, they're like,

• 57:14Tig Notaro?

  I'm a newscaster in Omaha.

• 57:19Mae Martin?

  I would like that. I think that would be cool.

• 57:22Fortune Feimster?

  What, random videos?

• 57:23Mae Martin?

  A newscaster in Omaha.

• 57:25Fortune Feimster?

  From a random newscaster.

• 57:26Tig Notaro?

  And look, I love a newscaster in Omaha. I do like Omaha a lot. But that's not why we're here. I wanted to tell everyone to please subscribe and rate and review our podcast wherever you listen. Same on YouTube, and we are available a day early on Hulu. And go to handsomepod.com for all of our wonderful, wonderful merchandise.

• 57:53Mae Martin?

  Yes. Are you guys touring coming up?

• 57:55Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:56Mae Martin?

  I'm touring with Largo.

• 57:58Tig Notaro?

  Bitch.

• 57:59Mae Martin?

  I have one tour date at Largo on the 29th, tomorrow night, at Largo in LA with lots of fun guests. What about you guys?

• 58:06Fortune Feimster?

  I'm picking up my tour August 6th in West Hampton Beach, New York. And then I'm going to Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, then Red Bank, New Jersey, Halifax, Canada, Provincetown, Massachusetts, Greenville, South Carolina, Wilmington, Boise, Portland, Oregon, Austin, Chattanooga, Dayton, Louisville, Madison, Durham, Oakland, Bakersfield, Los Angeles, Denver, Palm Springs, Nashville. And then my tour's done, and that's over.

• 58:36Tig Notaro?

  Oh, that is so exciting and sad. But you can catch me. I'm locally in Los Angeles, and I'm also in Rochester, New York, Calgary, Iowa City, Des Moines, Omaha, where the newscaster lives, Oklahoma City, Cincinnati, Charleston, West Virginia, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Olympia, Washington, Fresno, Napa, the list goes on and on. Go to tignotaro.com.

• 59:07Mae Martin?

  And go to Hulu or YouTube to check out Fortune's guns.

• 59:10Tig Notaro?

  Are you still working out?

• 59:12Fortune Feimster?

  I'm sure not. I'm feeling real bad about it.

• 59:16Tig Notaro?

  And until next time.

• 59:18Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it handsome.

• 59:23Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected]. And please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 59:37Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast!

• 59:43Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 59:46Tig Notaro?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking if the glasses I picked out have a specific vibe before buying them? Oops. Apparently, they're reminiscent of a famous horror novelist's iconic look, and now I'm getting teased.

• 1:00:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.