Rachel Scanlon asks about vacation horror stories

The hilarious Rachel Scanlon ("Two Dykes and a Mic") gets Handsome to spill their funniest and most shocking vacation horror stories! Plus, Fortune has a gay moment with a fan, Ginger heads to Europe, and the future bestselling children's book, "Disgusting Bunny"! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepod and Hulu https://www.hulu.com/series/b583d0bc-eeb0-4560-8b2b-5c8ae0248a19?play=false&utm_source=shared_linkThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:05Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:36Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website. With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time.

• 1:20Mae Martin?

  Squarespace makes it easy, so easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes. So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today at squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 1:49Fortune Feimster?

  Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Fortune Feimster. I'm Tig Notaro. I'm Mae Martin. Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, you guys. Yeah. Yeah. My day started, my day started today with someone at a coffee shop going, "Are you feeling handsome today?" And I said, "I sure am." And then they go, and then we were like, sitting there, and then they go, "I'm gay." And I went, "Me too." And I go, "I love this for both of us."

• 2:26Fortune Feimster?

  And then she said, have a handsome day. I said, you too.

• 2:30Tig Notaro?

  How old was this person? Were they like 12?

• 2:33Fortune Feimster?

  No, maybe like late twenties or something, early thirties. They were just like, she was just like, I'm gay. And I went, I love that for both of us. I feel like.

• 2:42Tig Notaro?

  I think I'm gonna start announcing myself as gay. I kinda do everywhere I go.

• 2:47Fortune Feimster?

  I feel like when someone even like says hi to me in public, I'm like, oh, you're gay. Like I.

• 2:58Mae Martin?

  Well, that's a nice way to start the morning, keeping handsome.

• 3:01Tig Notaro?

  And were you feeling handsome?

• 3:03Fortune Feimster?

  I actually was. Yeah.

• 3:05Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Looking handsome. Looking very handsome.

• 3:09Fortune Feimster?

  I got a new LL Bean shirt. That's not a joke. That's.

• 3:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, no, I believe it. Nobody doubts you.

• 3:16Fortune Feimster?

  Nor is it an advertisement. I'm just telling you. I was, I've been with my mom all week, uh, doing a bunch of doctor's appointments. And, uh, I went to the store in downtown Belmont and went to the sales rack. And got me four LL Bean shirts for like 30 bucks each. What a steal.

• 3:37Tig Notaro?

  My goodness.

• 3:39Fortune Feimster?

  So yes, I'm feeling handsome.

• 3:40Tig Notaro?

  Quite the deal. Yeah, I did notice you were back in the ginger chair.

• 3:45Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. Yeah.

• 3:46Tig Notaro?

  And I saw your post online that she has a big or had a big appointment. Was that today?

• 3:53Fortune Feimster?

  She had a big appointment, um, the other day after her MR, she had a, her MRIs, um, were taken of her liver and then of her brain, which I don't know the results on the brain yet. The liver was, um, they had put the radiation balls in her liver to try to shrink the big, big tumors.

• 4:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 4:14Fortune Feimster?

  And, uh, so we were waiting for those results and it's so, so far they have contained the, um, cancer to her liver. It's been a year now, almost exactly.

• 4:27Tig Notaro?

  Unbelievable.

• 4:28Fortune Feimster?

  Wow. And so it's still contained and, you know, he showed us the, um. The, the scans and it is pretty jarring to see all the cancer in her liver. I'm like, that kinda took me back a bit. Yeah. Um, but he did show that the big ones, he goes, you see that they're dark. That means the radiation did kill those. Wow. Which is good, but you know, every doctor reminds her, this is not going away. This is not a cure. You got cancer. You will never be ringing that bell. Um, so that's also a wake up call where you go, okay, all right. Yeah.

• 5:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, it's, I mean, it's still good news.

• 5:12Fortune Feimster?

  It is. Listen, it's the best. It is her best, it is her best case scenario. Yeah.

• 5:18Tig Notaro?

  That's amazing.

• 5:19Fortune Feimster?

  So we will take it. I told, you know, we had very candid conversations this week where I just said, listen, now is the time to be doing everything you want to do. Now is the time to be saying all the things you want to say. No stone left unturned. You know what's ahead. We don't know the timeframe, but Yeah. you have a, a, a map here of, you know, getting things off any bucket list or Wow. you know?

• 5:46Tig Notaro?

  And how's her headspace right now?

• 5:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Um, you know, just appreciating life, you know, she hugged me before I left and she's like, oh, I wanna stay in this, this place of like warm bodies, my blood's flowing.

• 6:01Tig Notaro?

  I bet.

• 6:02Fortune Feimster?

  I'm like, I, I understand. So I, you know, I think she's just appreciating being here. Um, cause I didn't realize this when she was diagnosed a year ago. He, the doctor had told her maybe 13 months. No one told me that because my mom forgot it. But my sister-in-law reminded her and she goes, oh, I forgot that he said that timeline. So 13 months is a month from now. Wow. But I don't believe that is her case based on the, the scans I saw.

• 6:34Tig Notaro?

  No, it sounds like she's holding.

• 6:37Fortune Feimster?

  Holding the line.

• 6:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 6:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So yeah, we're just, you know, that being in those appointments for me was good because it made me sort of face everything to, not, not that I've been in denial, but it just got more. Like brass tacks with it like, okay, this, you know, we don't know how long you have. You're keeping it at bay. Longevity is the goal here.

• 7:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:00Fortune Feimster?

  But also like, let's live your life.

• 7:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Getting very present with reality.

• 7:07Fortune Feimster?

  Exactly.

• 7:08Mae Martin?

  Does she still have treatment to go? Is she still doing the radiation balls and stuff?

• 7:13Fortune Feimster?

  She will do the radiation again. He, he believes in three months. She'll do another. She, he said, you will be doing MRIs every three months for the rest of your life.

• 7:21Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 7:22Fortune Feimster?

  Because the cancer is that aggressive.

• 7:24Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm.

• 7:24Fortune Feimster?

  Um, and he believes she'll be doing radiation beads again in three months. And for now, she's just doing immunotherapy once every 28 days.

• 7:34Mae Martin?

  You, you hear these stories though of like, you know, keeping it contained for three, four years, five years. That would be amazing.

• 7:43Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. We'll take whatever. I told her, I said, listen, it, it said, from here on out, any day extra you have is a blessing.

• 7:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 7:53Fortune Feimster?

  So you've already, you know, you, in a month, you'll have come to what they said. I believe you're going to be going well beyond that and that will all be extra, extra blessings, extra time. So.

• 8:06Mae Martin?

  Well, I'm glad you.

• 8:07Fortune Feimster?

  She actually seems really good right now. I, I, May and I talked about it in a, a mini episode, but I've, I'm going to move forward with taking my mom to Europe.

• 8:18Mae Martin?

  Yes. Okay. I was wondering and I'm really glad you are. Yeah.

• 8:21Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. She's walking well. Her dizziness has gone away and I believe she's in the best health that she's been in in a while. And I think she can do it.

• 8:34Tig Notaro?

  That's awesome.

• 8:36Fortune Feimster?

  So the good folks in Copenhagen, London and Dublin will be seeing my mom.

• 8:41Mae Martin?

  She's gonna meet the fans. She's gonna have that love.

• 8:44Fortune Feimster?

  Cities. She wanted to go to Oslo and Stockholm and Berlin, but I was like, let's just half, I think half is the sweet spot here.

• 8:54Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 8:55Mae Martin?

  But she'll feel that love. I mean,

• 8:57Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:58Mae Martin?

  That is really nice.

• 8:59Tig Notaro?

  That's gonna be off the charts.

• 9:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah. People are gonna go nuts for her.

• 9:03Fortune Feimster?

  So yeah, at the end of May, then the, she'll be, or no, the beginning of June, she'll be coming out to Europe. So I just don't wanna, I don't wanna keep her from like, You know, with not knowing what her timeline is, if she's like, I've never been to these places. I'm like, let's, let's do it. Let's go.

• 9:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:25Tig Notaro?

  That's gonna be fun.

• 9:27Mae Martin?

  You guys are all, yeah, being very clear headed about it. And it's nice that you have each other and you're there and your, your brother and stuff. And yeah.

• 9:36Tig Notaro?

  So will it just be the two of you in Europe?

• 9:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'm gonna go to the first half by myself and then she'll join me halfway.

• 9:44Tig Notaro?

  Okay. And then she'll be there for, how long is that stretch of shows?

• 9:48Fortune Feimster?

  She'll get there Monday morning and we'll leave Saturday.

• 9:53Mae Martin?

  Fun.

• 9:54Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. So I think that's a decent amount of time.

• 9:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's, that's a nice chunk.

• 9:59Fortune Feimster?

  She'll fly out by herself, but I'll meet her in the Copenhagen airport and then I'll fly home with her.

• 10:04Tig Notaro?

  Okay, now I just must know, will you be sharing a room? Like, um, what, your mom in one bed and you in another bed? Is she gonna have another room?

• 10:14Fortune Feimster?

  She wants me to save money. So she's like, we can share a room. And I go, Mom, I have to sleep. I love you. But I am going to pay the extra money to get us both our own rooms. So.

• 10:26Mae Martin?

  Is she a chatter? Would she be, would it be like silent for 20 minutes and then you hear?

• 10:31Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune. It'd be snoring.

• 10:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, snoring. Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 10:34Fortune Feimster?

  But she's lost a hundred pounds. So.

• 10:37Mae Martin?

  Wait, a hundred pounds?

• 10:39Fortune Feimster?

  She's lost 100 pounds. So she does, she's like, maybe I don't snore like I used to. I go, maybe I didn't, I actually didn't think to listen. While I was there this week, but I still think we should have our own rooms.

• 10:52Tig Notaro?

  Okay, but it just is fun to think of you both, uh, in your nightgown.

• 10:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, all turkey top. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:00Tig Notaro?

  Like if you got scared in the night and you got in bed with your mom.

• 11:04Fortune Feimster?

  She would love it, but.

• 11:06Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God. I know. I think about if I was in Europe with my kids, when I'm, when, when, I was gonna say when I'm an adult. But that too, but when they're adults, like I would be so overjoyed to be with them. And then till if they were like, I want to share a room with you. I would be so thankful and happy.

• 11:28Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I should have listened if she snores. I just need to be able to sleep because I'm working, you know? Yeah.

• 11:34Tig Notaro?

  You got some of those noise canceling headphones or something.

• 11:37Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe I'm the snorer now. Maybe the tables have turned.

• 11:40Tig Notaro?

  Or you could put like a nose, a clothespin on her nose.

• 11:44Fortune Feimster?

  True, true. Do those things work? The things people you put on your nose?

• 11:47Tig Notaro?

  Wait, didn't we have a joke about? Familiar. About in the olden times, people walking around clothes. Somebody smells or something like that. Having a clothespin on your nose. It's a really funny image. Speaking of smelly things. Yeah, tell us. Yeah. I can't wait to tell you girls. Go on, girl. But I was visiting my brother and his family and he has a son that is at the tail end of three years old. And something came up about bunnies and in, in our family, I used to tell Max and Finn that not only was there an Easter bunny, but there's also disgusting bunny.

• 12:30Tig Notaro?

  And I'm like, disgusting bunny looks like this and he smells bad and he has rotten teeth. And, um, and so I told my nephew about disgusting bunny. Yeah. I have never seen a child so focused in on information. Oh, my God. I was sitting in a chair and he came up and he was like, uh, did, how did disgusting bunny get to your house? And does he ever take a bath? Oh, my God. And I was like, no, that's why he's so disgusting. And so the night that I, the day, the night of the day I told him about disgusting bunny. Yeah. He took, he wanted to take a bath before bed. Yeah. And then he got up in the morning and then he wanted to take a bath in the morning.

• 13:15Tig Notaro?

  And then he wrote a letter to the disgusting bunny saying enough. Enough. And he wrote that he has to take a bath and he has to brush his teeth.

• 13:25Mae Martin?

  Oh my God, this is heaven to me.

• 13:28Fortune Feimster?

  The bunny needs to hear that, though.

• 13:30Tig Notaro?

  Oh, for sure. And I was there with my opener, the artist, Amy Berkman. And my nephew was really focused on like wanting her to do things with him. And I didn't know how to like, try and, you know, give her a beat. Yeah. So I just told him, I said, I was like, listen, Amy, here's something you need to know about Amy. She's very, very fragile and she's the oldest person I've ever met in my life.

• 13:59Mae Martin?

  Oh, wow.

• 14:02Tig Notaro?

  And so, I mean, she was awesome with him and she actually, she's an artist and she drew disgusting bunny.

• 14:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. This is heaven.

• 14:11Fortune Feimster?

  I know what disgusting bunny looks like.

• 14:13Tig Notaro?

  Well, I'll send you, or we can post it, but I sent a picture of Amy's drawing to Stephanie to show Max and Finn. And I said, ask them what this is. And she said, Max said, it's disgusting bunny. And Finn said, he has no idea what he's looking at.

• 14:29Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:30Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:31Mae Martin?

  Wait, but this, this character is such a good creation, but does he live where the Easter bunny lives? Like same crew?

• 14:38Tig Notaro?

  I haven't thought anything through until my nephew was asking a million que- like I, oh, and then the next day, the ha- they live in an old farmhouse and like the, the wood was settling and it made some creaks.

• 14:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:52Tig Notaro?

  Some creaky noises. And he turns to me and he goes, is that disgusting bunny?

• 14:59Mae Martin?

  I love this.

• 15:00Fortune Feimster?

  He still thinks the bunny's magical, even though he's disgusting.

• 15:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And I was like, I, I don't, I don't know if that's disgusting bunny. And he said, will you go look? And I said, I, I was like, I don't, I don't want to look.

• 15:13Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 15:14Tig Notaro?

  I truly can't believe, I'm sure he's still talking about it since I left. It was, I did not expect this response.

• 15:21Fortune Feimster?

  You need to be making up more information about this bunny and why he comes and what you get out of it. If, if there's a lesson in there.

• 15:29Mae Martin?

  You could write a children's book.

• 15:30Tig Notaro?

  Like, what'd you say?

• 15:31Mae Martin?

  You could write a children's book for sure about disgusting bunny, about trying to get kids to have baths.

• 15:36Fortune Feimster?

  For hygiene, yeah.

• 15:37Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we were saying, we did happen to, my sister-in-law cooked us carrots and onions and all sorts of delicious things. And we were saying that we were going to throw all of the scraps of the, the carrots from the cooking. Uh, for the prep, out the door and let it just rot for disgusting bunny to come by and eat.

• 16:00Speaker 00

  Oh, my God. Okay, but what if you one night, like, you know, the way people do with, uh, like elf on a shelf or like the leprechauns, one night, when, when he's asleep, you make like a trail of like, I don't know, peanut butter or something, or like just a mess in the house. And then you're like, oh, my God, he was here. This is great.

• 16:19Tig Notaro?

  Clearly here. Well, and when I, I went up to read him a bedtime story.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:25Tig Notaro?

  And he brought his little kitten, Stuffy, the little stuffed animal over to me and he put it up to me and he goes, this is my kitty Stuffy and she is so fragile and she is the oldest kitty I've ever met in my life.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  They're like sponges.

• 16:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my, it is unbelievable.

• 16:53Speaker 04

  Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  I thought I was Beck Bennett.

• 16:55Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  I'm Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that.

• 16:57Speaker 04

  Exactly. No, all good. All good.

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Thanks, buddy.

• 16:59Speaker 04

  Yeah. And we host the show, What's Our Podcast here on HeadGum.

• 17:03Speaker 00

  This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online.

• 17:13Speaker 04

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• 17:17Speaker 00

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• 17:25Speaker 04

  I like that it's all in one place. I don't, I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all in my website.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Oh, do I need to go to like, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or like another type of website to upload the like?

• 17:38Speaker 04

  It's all in one place.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  The video or the audio or like, no, I want, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

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• 17:56Speaker 00

  Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see, I'm wondering if it exists.

• 17:59Speaker 04

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• 18:02Speaker 00

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  Friends.

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• 18:17Tig Notaro?

  I truly just thought those would be like fleeting little things that I said to like move his, his, uh, his focus somewhere else like from Amy or like, um, just make him laugh for a second about disgusting bunny. Oh my, it's, I'm certain it's still going on.

• 18:33Mae Martin?

  I do think you should turn it into a hygiene book.

• 18:36Tig Notaro?

  Okay, alright.

• 18:37Mae Martin?

  I actually, cause he's now he's, because you said he's showering and brushing his teeth.

• 18:42Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God, like, yeah, he wants nothing to do with it. He thinks it's so disgusting.

• 18:49Mae Martin?

  What if the dirtier you are, the more that attracts disgusting bunny. So you gotta stay clean or else disgusting bunny's gonna come.

• 18:55Tig Notaro?

  Right. Well, you know, it's funny because, you know, there's a, a, a potential children's book that, um, that I, that, uh, Stephanie and I were thinking about, but I'm very curious now if, um, an agent would see more potential in disgusting bunny.

• 19:15Mae Martin?

  For real though, I love it.

• 19:18Tig Notaro?

  I did, I did not see.

• 19:19Mae Martin?

  I think it's so cute.

• 19:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, I'll send you the picture. What's that?

• 19:23Mae Martin?

  I just, I wanna raise kids with you. This is making me so broody. I'm like, this to me, I could do this 24 hours a day, like, and you're, you're right, when they lock in on something like.

• 19:35Tig Notaro?

  Oh man, you have to meet my nephew. It's, it's, it, it, this kid has never seen a screen in his life.

• 19:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 19:43Tig Notaro?

  And he's just like jumping out of trees and, um, just like.

• 19:47Mae Martin?

  Well, imagination alive. Well, I, I remember my mom telling me that, um, there was, well, when we were kids, we had a book on tape of like Beatrix Potter or, yeah, Beatrix or Rupert the Bear. And there was a character in it and it said that he gave a fake smile and it was, he was like a bad guy and he gives a fake smile. And my brother, just like the concept of a fake smile, he latched onto and he was so deeply terrified of it. And he, he'd be like, like with the fake smile. And then he'd, he was like, mom, what does that look like? And then she would show him like. Like that kind of thing. And he was, he hated it, but he would practice it. And he was like, and then you'd go, Mom, is that a fake smile or a real smile? Like with people? Yeah.

• 20:31Mae Martin?

  I don't know. The things they latch on to is.

• 20:34Tig Notaro?

  I know. I mean, Max and Finn loved discussing money, but they didn't have days of questions about his backstory or anything like that. Does anyone want to know what this is?

• 20:46Mae Martin?

  Yes, I was just gonna ask, where are you? What's this beautiful silk glamour curtain?

• 20:54Tig Notaro?

  Instead of YouTube, go to Hulu, go to Hulu. I mean, nobody has any questions?

• 20:59Mae Martin?

  I have many questions.

• 21:00Tig Notaro?

  I mean, just tell us, or do we need, is this like disgusting money? We need to get to the bottom of it. I'm just in a hotel room and this is the, I'm, I have my computer plugged in. I have light on me. And then this is just the, the back of the.

• 21:16Mae Martin?

  I was expecting more from that.

• 21:17Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 21:18Mae Martin?

  But it's beautiful.

• 21:19Tig Notaro?

  It's just a curtain, that's it? It's just disgusting curtain.

• 21:23Mae Martin?

  Where are you? What city are you in?

• 21:25Tig Notaro?

  I am, I'm, where I am? Where, where I am?

• 21:29Mae Martin?

  I just did the same thing.

• 21:30Tig Notaro?

  Where I am?

• 21:32Mae Martin?

  I just got in the elevator and this guy was like, hey, where are you coming from? And I said, I don't know. I, I could, I was in, I was in Seattle yesterday, but it took me, I couldn't come up with it by the time he had to get off the elevator. I said, I don't know.

• 21:46Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. I can't begin to tell. I know I'm in Connecticut. Are y'all, y'all are both doing stand up right now? New town. I'm in Newtown, Connecticut.

• 21:54Mae Martin?

  Nice. I'm in Portland. Um, yeah, still on tour.

• 21:59Tig Notaro?

  Portland, where? Portland, Oregon?

• 22:01Mae Martin?

  Portland, Oregon.

• 22:02Tig Notaro?

  Okay. I was gonna say, I'll be in Portland, Maine tomorrow. I would have loved that. Portland, Maine in June. Okay, girl.

• 22:10Mae Martin?

  I'm in Portland, Oregon, and everyone at the meet and greets recently is asking about our wellness weekend. Everyone is like, but they're saying, the woman last night said, listen, I said, I don't know. I think fortune's resistant, but I'm obviously wide open. I want to do it yesterday. And then they said, well, you've got to also make sure on the weekend that Tig does things that you would fortune her into, like the DePuffer.

• 22:37Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 22:38Mae Martin?

  That was all they could come up with.

• 22:39Fortune Feimster?

  Has to, has to be stuff we all want to do.

• 22:41Tig Notaro?

  Okay, girl, we can do, depuffers are made for wellness weekends.

• 22:47Mae Martin?

  Right?

• 22:47Fortune Feimster?

  True.

• 22:48Tig Notaro?

  Okay, we can, we can combine that and we can play hide and seek or whatever you want to do, May.

• 22:53Mae Martin?

  That's so accurately, that is what I want to do. I want to play hide and seek in the dark.

• 22:58Fortune Feimster?

  Go do an escape room at some point. I do have one of those red face masks too that look scary.

• 23:05Mae Martin?

  The LED vibrating face masks.

• 23:08Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, it vibrates?

• 23:10Mae Martin?

  Mine vibrates.

• 23:11Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think mine does. You're sounding like a party.

• 23:15Tig Notaro?

  Finally, wellness weekend's getting interesting.

• 23:20Mae Martin?

  We'll do like a spa element and then we do hide and seek for me or some kind of trickery. Well, I, when this comes out, my, my birthday will have been three days before and I, I, I booked laser tag. So, uh, yeah, that's in keeping with my personality. I booked private laser tag.

• 23:39Tig Notaro?

  Privately, like you're just alone?

• 23:42Mae Martin?

  Uh, that would be.

• 23:42Fortune Feimster?

  Just for your group?

• 23:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah, just for like 10 of us, I think.

• 23:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh, fortune, don't correct me.

• 23:48Fortune Feimster?

  You thought it was going to be May just running around shooting at nothing?

• 23:51Tig Notaro?

  Pew, pew, pew.

• 23:52Mae Martin?

  I would love that.

• 23:55Fortune Feimster?

  I haven't done laser tag in forever.

• 23:57Mae Martin?

  It's a real adrenaline high, but I'm so tired. I, this is like, can you believe I'm still on tour?

• 24:04Tig Notaro?

  Um, yeah.

• 24:06Fortune Feimster?

  My tour's like two years long, so yes.

• 24:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right. Who am I complaining to? Yeah, yeah.

• 24:13Fortune Feimster?

  I do 100 cities in 150 days.

• 24:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right. You're right.

• 24:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 24:19Tig Notaro?

  Are you, so you're in a hotel room right now though, May?

• 24:22Mae Martin?

  Just to do the pod because the wifi is so bad on the bus. So, yeah, I've got a day room. And then I'm getting a tattoo today.

• 24:29Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 24:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah, the tattoo artist is going to come to the venue and give me and my friend Matt, um, friendship tattoos.

• 24:36Fortune Feimster?

  But what is it going to be of?

• 24:39Mae Martin?

  Well, actually, I need your input. I haven't fully

• 24:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we don't know.

• 24:42Mae Martin?

  No, I was gonna

• 24:43Fortune Feimster?

  I do. I would need this figured out well in advance.

• 24:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 24:48Mae Martin?

  I'm winging it. I think it's either gonna be a little bus, a little, a little drawing of a tour bus. Or, this is so corny and like improv, but before we go out on stage, Matt always says, got your back to me. And so we were gonna get G Y B maybe on my back. But I don't know, I'm not that, I'm not that fussed about what it is.

• 25:07Tig Notaro?

  If you do a tour bus, maybe you have half the tour bus, he has the other half.

• 25:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's good.

• 25:13Tig Notaro?

  Or disgusting bunny is an option.

• 25:17Fortune Feimster?

  But we don't wanna put, but we don't wanna put out the visualization, visualization of the bus in half.

• 25:23Mae Martin?

  Oh, you're right. You're right. It has to be a whole bus.

• 25:27Fortune Feimster?

  God, you're good.

• 25:28Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 25:29Mae Martin?

  Do you guys know about?

• 25:30Fortune Feimster?

  God.

• 25:31Tig Notaro?

  My God.

• 25:33Mae Martin?

  Do you know about the situation I've been in with the bus and the?

• 25:36Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 25:37Mae Martin?

  Did I, the?

• 25:38Tig Notaro?

  No, you've been on tour forever, May.

• 25:40Mae Martin?

  We don't know, May.

• 25:41Tig Notaro?

  No, you have to tell us, girl.

• 25:43Fortune Feimster?

  Give us the deets.

• 25:44Mae Martin?

  Stop me, girls, if I've told you this before, please stop me. And Thomas, because I, I can't remember if I have.

• 25:50Fortune Feimster?

  Thomas, girl.

• 25:51Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, stay out of it.

• 25:52Fortune Feimster?

  Girl, Thomas.

• 25:54Mae Martin?

  So you know, I, I asked Jeff, the bus driver, like, what's the gossip about people you've driven before, right?

• 25:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 26:00Mae Martin?

  Did I tell you this? And he told me?

• 26:02Fortune Feimster?

  This sounds familiar, but continue.

• 26:03Tig Notaro?

  Everything sounds brand new to me.

• 26:06Mae Martin?

  Okay, great. So he told me that Bieber, well, he told me some stuff about Bieber and then he told me some stuff about Ariana Grande. He was like, he goes, she's a little freak. I said, what? Tell me how. And then he couldn't give me a single reason why. So I was like, okay.

• 26:21Tig Notaro?

  So we're just dropping half-assed.

• 26:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, just half-assed.

• 26:25Mae Martin?

  Well, I said

• 26:26Tig Notaro?

  Gossip?

• 26:27Mae Martin?

  I suddenly was like, should I repeat this on the pod?

• 26:30Tig Notaro?

  Yes, you should.

• 26:31Fortune Feimster?

  Well, spill the tea.

• 26:33Mae Martin?

  All he said was that Bieber would stop the bus to go pray in the middle of the highway, like on the divider. Maybe we should cut this out. I feel like it could be, they, TMZ could.

• 26:42Tig Notaro?

  We're not cutting that out.

• 26:44Mae Martin?

  Thomas.

• 26:45Tig Notaro?

  We need more of this.

• 26:46Mae Martin?

  Anyway, okay. So he was telling me

• 26:48Tig Notaro?

  He's not in control of edits. The Lord is.

• 26:51Mae Martin?

  So I was like

• 26:53Fortune Feimster?

  That's not a bad thing to stop for.

• 26:54Mae Martin?

  I was thinking, I wonder what his story would be about me if someone asked. And then I realized.

• 27:01Fortune Feimster?

  You're up to freaky stuff, too.

• 27:03Mae Martin?

  No, I just realized, so I've clogged the toilet twice. I clogged the toilet two times.

• 27:09Fortune Feimster?

  You're not supposed to poop on the bus. Everyone knows this.

• 27:13Mae Martin?

  Do, uh, no one.

• 27:14Tig Notaro?

  What are you eating?

• 27:15Mae Martin?

  No, it's.

• 27:16Fortune Feimster?

  May, it is a, it is a rule across every.

• 27:20Mae Martin?

  No, no, it's not.

• 27:22Tig Notaro?

  First of all, I didn't even know you pooped, May.

• 27:25Mae Martin?

  The poo's not the problem.

• 27:26Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone poops.

• 27:27Mae Martin?

  It was, I flushed a tampon down and I thought it was a composting toilet. This is so embarrassing, but I'm telling it, I guess, but.

• 27:36Tig Notaro?

  You're trying to get ahead of the bus driver talking about your.

• 27:41Mae Martin?

  And so what happened was.

• 27:42Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna tell this before he does.

• 27:44Mae Martin?

  Okay, so I thought, cause it wouldn't flush and I thought that it wouldn't flush because the bus had run out of water. So in my mind, I thought.

• 27:51Tig Notaro?

  But just to clarify, your poop was never a problem.

• 27:55Mae Martin?

  Not that I know of.

• 27:56Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 27:56Fortune Feimster?

  No, we're talking about cooter plugs here, Tig.

• 27:59Tig Notaro?

  You flushed all 100 tampons down the toilet.

• 28:04Fortune Feimster?

  That were in the, that were in the space. That went up in space and her back now.

• 28:10Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 28:11Mae Martin?

  Alright, so I thought it's a problem that we've just run out of water. So I thought, I'll just, I won't flush the toilet. I'll just wait and flush it when we get more water.

• 28:19Tig Notaro?

  Great plan.

• 28:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah, so in the meantime, I'm still peeing in that toilet. Anyway, this is a big problem. Then we, we realized it's, it's broken. I've broken the toilet. Then it's my days off. I said to my tour manager Kenny, who's on the bus, I said, this is so embarrassing, but I can't speak to Jeff, the driver. I can't have him, he can know that I know, but I can't handle.

• 28:40Fortune Feimster?

  You can't take the fall for it.

• 28:42Mae Martin?

  I, no, I know.

• 28:43Fortune Feimster?

  This is why you have to pay people to take the fall for your tampon.

• 28:48Mae Martin?

  No, I would never. I'm, I.

• 28:50Fortune Feimster?

  No, they, that's their job. You have to be like, he, your friend Kevin has to go in there and be like, I did this.

• 28:57Tig Notaro?

  Everyone's got a tampon fall guy.

• 29:00Mae Martin?

  Okay, but wait.

• 29:01Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone does, May. Kevin's gonna take the fall. Tampon.

• 29:06Mae Martin?

  I said, just tell Jeff that I'm ashamed and that I can't speak to him about this, but that I'm really sorry. So this, I know this conversation's happened. I can't make eye contact with Jeff. I leave for my two days off. I come back. Again, no, I'm like, hey, Jeff, how you doing? There are signs all over the bathroom that he's put up that are like, please do not flush. It turns out I've also broken the button to flush the toilet because I was hitting it so hard, panicking. He had to-

• 29:35Tig Notaro?

  Was that poop related?

• 29:36Mae Martin?

  No, it was because I couldn't flush it. And it turns out that he had to unscrew the toilet and take the whole toilet off the bus and rewire the button. I am humiliated. I'm so embarrassed. So I'm gonna have to write him a card acknowledging that I know what I did and that I'm so sorry.

• 29:56Fortune Feimster?

  And then ask to stop the bus and pray.

• 29:59Mae Martin?

  Pray for forgiveness.

• 30:00Fortune Feimster?

  Pray for forgiveness, man.

• 30:01Mae Martin?

  But I'm just like, I can't believe that's gonna be how he remembers me. So I need to do something.

• 30:06Tig Notaro?

  Well, you need to get his home, home address to send him the card.

• 30:11Fortune Feimster?

  And show up to his home with that card.

• 30:14Tig Notaro?

  Oh, are you, were you just gonna leave it on the toilet seat?

• 30:19Tig Notaro?

  He'll find this here.

• 30:21Mae Martin?

  At the end of the tour, I was gonna-

• 30:23Fortune Feimster?

  That definitely will be your story, though. He's gonna be like, Mae Martin was on this bus and I had to take out the entire toilet.

• 30:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 30:32Tig Notaro?

  And then no information beyond that.

• 30:34Fortune Feimster?

  And that's it, yeah.

• 30:35Mae Martin?

  Apparently, he's, he said to Kenny, he said, uh-

• 30:38Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, Kenny, I said Kevin.

• 30:39Mae Martin?

  You've been saying Kevin, but I like that. But apparently Jeff, the driver, said to Kenny, well, at least May's pretty healthy. I'll tell you that much.

• 30:49Fortune Feimster?

  Someone doesn't need a wellness weekend.

• 30:52Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. Anyway-

• 30:53Tig Notaro?

  Someone just got uninvited to Wellness Weekend.

• 30:56Mae Martin?

  I will not clog the toilet, guys. I swear to God. But then I felt so bad. I thought, let's do something fun with Jeff. Let's book an escape room in Vegas. And he said, I love escape rooms. And we booked an immersive it-themed-

• 31:11Mae Martin?

  Pennywise the clown chases you through thirty thousand. So the night before, I thought.

• 31:17Fortune Feimster?

  It sounds like you're just punishing Jeff again.

• 31:19Mae Martin?

  Exactly. So I thought, I'll just check with Jeff and make sure he's okay with clowns. So I said, Jeff, how do you feel about clowns? He goes, petrified. I punched one in the face once because it got too near to my daughter. He says, I have a traumatic experiences related to clowns. And so I said, we gotta cancel the escape room. Thank God. Imagine.

• 31:38Fortune Feimster?

  Imagine you did that to Jeff and then he had to face one of his greatest fears. And at the end of that escape room, he has to undo a toilet and fix it.

• 31:49Mae Martin?

  It's hell. This poor man, I'm gonna have to give him a big bonus and a card and.

• 31:54Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you will. How much longer are you on this bus?

• 31:57Mae Martin?

  Uh, till May 12th.

• 32:01Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you're in the homestretch.

• 32:02Mae Martin?

  I'm in the homestretch, would you say?

• 32:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you're almost done.

• 32:04Tig Notaro?

  Still long.

• 32:06Mae Martin?

  It's still pretty long.

• 32:07Fortune Feimster?

  Are you ready? Are you ready to be off this bus?

• 32:11Mae Martin?

  I'm ready to be off the bus. Yeah.

• 32:13Tig Notaro?

  May was ready to be off this bus the second they stepped on the bus.

• 32:24Mae Martin?

  But I'm, you know what? I'm, I'm making my gratitude lists every night still and, um, and I, it's bittersweet. I'm gonna be sad when it's over because it's been so cool. And I'm gonna make like a tour book, scrapbook and sell it for charity, like a.

• 32:36Tig Notaro?

  And so you're doing a gratitude list to try and make yourself think that you're in a good mood?

• 32:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And it works. Like yesterday, I thought I had this amazing ice cream. I met this woman, gave me personalized darts engraved with my name and all my things that I'm into.

• 32:54Tig Notaro?

  What a day.

• 32:54Mae Martin?

  It's been great.

• 32:55Fortune Feimster?

  That's awesome.

• 32:56Mae Martin?

  I can't believe I told the toilet clogging thing. I guess we're leaving it in. I just wanna say, I thought it was a composting toilet. I thought it was like, it would drop into a hole. I didn't know there was a macerator involved and that's mine.

• 33:09Tig Notaro?

  You didn't know there was a macerator involved?

• 33:11Mae Martin?

  No, I don't know.

• 33:12Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay.

• 33:13Fortune Feimster?

  Are a lot of toilets on the bus composting?

• 33:16Tig Notaro?

  The toilets on the bus go composting.

• 33:22Tig Notaro?

  Why fortune?

• 33:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, God.

• 33:27Fortune Feimster?

  Why not?

• 33:28Tig Notaro?

  That's true. Why not?

• 33:30Mae Martin?

  You know what? It was kind of triggering too, because I realized when I was a kid, I was scared of the sound of the toilet flushing. And so I wouldn't, if I got up to pee in the night, I was too scared to flush and then I'd get in trouble.

• 33:43Fortune Feimster?

  Well, the, I feel like the bus toilets and the airplane toilets are way louder.

• 33:47Mae Martin?

  They're scary. That's not why I clogged the, I'm not scared anymore.

• 33:51Fortune Feimster?

  You face that fear.

• 33:53Tig Notaro?

  What precious little traumas you had.

• 33:58Mae Martin?

  Don't worry, I got some real ones.

• 33:59Fortune Feimster?

  I got some big ones too.

• 34:04Fortune Feimster?

  I love this. Thank you for sharing, May. That was brave.

• 34:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it was brave and it was also kind of a little disgusting bunny-ish.

• 34:11Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, it was.

• 34:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:13Fortune Feimster?

  The good news is the toilets all set and you'll get to ride out the rest of this tour.

• 34:21Mae Martin?

  Oh, I'm never pooing again and/or getting my period. I'm gonna be squeezed tight.

• 34:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you will. Well, amazing. Should we get to our question?

• 34:34Tig Notaro?

  I say yes.

• 34:35Mae Martin?

  I say yes.

• 34:36Tig Notaro?

  That's why we do this show. Let's do it.

• 34:37Mae Martin?

  Today's question is brought to you by AT&T.

• 34:40Fortune Feimster?

  Today's question asker is a hilarious stand-up comedian whose podcast, Two Dykes and a Mike, has become a hit show touring the country with a live show. Rachel's stand-up special, Gay Fantasy, is streaming now. Rachel Scanlon, who I have the pleasure of having open for me on the road, who also is a hilarious headliner in their own right. Rachel Scanlon is asking today's question.

• 35:07Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 35:10Speaker 05

  Hello, handsome podcast. It's me, Rachel Scanlon. I'm so happy to do this for you guys. I'm obsessed with you all. You three are like the founding fathers for me. You guys are better than the founding fathers. If I were to be carving Mount Rushmore, I would put your three handsome faces up there. If I was making the pyramids, I would, I would take that Sphinx head, knock it off, and put your three heads on top of that cat's body. And that's a positive remodel. I like you guys so much. Thank you for letting me do this. Here is my question for y'all. What is your worst ever vacation story? Now, a lot of times vacations can have a lot of buildup. You plan it for so long. You want things to go well.

• 35:55Speaker 05

  And then for whatever reason, the universe refuses to let you have a good time. So what is your worst vacation disaster stories? Uh, really, really dive in there. Don't be ashamed. Don't be afraid. Let me know. I can't wait to hear.

• 36:13Fortune Feimster?

  As you can see, Rachel's not very shy.

• 36:15Tig Notaro?

  Well, yeah, I was gonna say Rachel has really good energy.

• 36:18Fortune Feimster?

  Great energy. Rachel, Rachel, like I said, headlines, but has also been opening for me on this tour here and there. And the audiences just connect right away because Rachel's energy is amazing.

• 36:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah, energy is a real thing. I like, like that Rachel there. I was like, there's light coming out of that person like that.

• 36:40Tig Notaro?

  So Rachel's always like that? Like that's Rachel's vibe?

• 36:44Fortune Feimster?

  Ray of sunshine, bubbly, super fun, and has a lovely mullet. Ooh.

• 36:50Tig Notaro?

  See, I couldn't even see that. My glasses don't work, but I will believe you.

• 36:54Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, a little bit of a mullet. We both have the curls. Um, Rachel's is just in more of a mullet shape than mine. But yeah, great, great energy.

• 37:03Tig Notaro?

  That's awesome.

• 37:05Fortune Feimster?

  And great question. Stories. Oh, man.

• 37:09Mae Martin?

  I have one queued up.

• 37:12Tig Notaro?

  Oh, let's hear it.

• 37:14Mae Martin?

  It just came to me because I, so I have this friend Carolyn Taylor, who's been my friend since I was 13. I waited at the stage door of Second City to get her autograph. I was like idolized her. She would have been like 26 or seven at this time.

• 37:28Tig Notaro?

  Was she a camp counselor?

• 37:29Mae Martin?

  No, she was a comedian at Second City and I'm like.

• 37:32Fortune Feimster?

  I think I remember you telling us about meeting. Uh, going to see that show, right?

• 37:38Mae Martin?

  I, I would go all the time. I would go like five nights a week.

• 37:41Fortune Feimster?

  Notebook and stuff, yeah.

• 37:42Mae Martin?

  And, and then we became friends and had got a, had a real friendship. And now she, she did this documentary series, I Have Nothing, about figure skating and she's been, she was in my show Wayward and I'm obsessed with her. So when I was 25, she agreed to come to the UK to visit me and I still had this hangover of like fandom about her. Like, I still do, to be honest. And I was like, oh my God, like she's coming overseas to see me. And I was like, I gotta plan something fun. So I, I said, let me plan a trip to Wales, the two of us. And let me tell you, everything that could have gone wrong went wrong on this trip. It was cursed by the gods. It was like, every train we could miss, we missed. Everyone was like, like we were sitting on the platform waiting for our train.

• 38:27Mae Martin?

  And then we went to, we said to the conductor, some guy who worked there, their train never come. And he went, oh, but it did come. We're like, no, we were sitting right here. We didn't see it come. Oh no, but it did, but it was half a train. So you didn't see it.

• 38:39Fortune Feimster?

  Half a train?

• 38:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And then we'd say, okay, well, can we get another train? No, there's no more trains today. And we'd say, well, is there a bus? Oh yes, there's a bus. Oh, great. But it doesn't run today. No, not on a, not on a Tuesday. Everything was like that. And then we'd, we ended up in this small town and I've booked this Airbnb. And we opened, or no, not, it was a B and B. So it was run by this woman. She opens the door and this smell hits us like eggs and like, we're like, oh. And then she woke, takes us to our room and it's two single beds in the room, which is embarrassing already. This is, you know, Carolyn at this point is like late 30s, you know, I'm 25 and she says, oh, you've got company tonight? We say, what? She points up, there's spiders all over the ceiling.

• 39:24Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 39:25Mae Martin?

  Crazy. And then like, we couldn't get-

• 39:27Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune said no.

• 39:28Mae Martin?

  It was like 6:00 PM and no one would feed us in the whole town. Everyone was like, oh, but we don't serve dinner yet until, oh, but we finished our service. No, no, but there's no space here. Sorry. And we're like,

• 39:38Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 39:38Mae Martin?

  Wales hates us. And then finally, we went on this sort of bus ride, winding up to the top of a mountain. And everyone said, oh, you got to try Pete's Eats at the top of the mountain. You got to, that's not their accent, by the way. We get up there.

• 39:54Fortune Feimster?

  We would never know. Yeah, I didn't know. I mean, I assume that it, the people in Wales are Irish.

• 40:01Mae Martin?

  No, they're, oh my God, Fortune, they're Welsh.

• 40:06Fortune Feimster?

  I know, but what you're talking is Irish.

• 40:09Mae Martin?

  That's a full, I'm doing a full Irish accent because Welsh is like a lilting. Anyway, so we go up to Pete's. I ordered just like fish and chips or something. Carolyn orders a bean casserole.

• 40:25Mae Martin?

  So they're reading out.

• 40:26Fortune Feimster?

  Part city. Are you just trying to have a terrible vacation on top of a terrible vacation? Trying to toot toot the spiders off the ceiling.

• 40:36Mae Martin?

  They give you like a number for your order, right? So they're like, okay, your order number 98. So we're sitting waiting, 20 minutes goes by, they're going, okay, order number 96. We're like, oh, it's almost us. Order number 97, we're like, oh, thank God, we're so hungry that we're like.

• 40:49Fortune Feimster?

  You have every reason to think you're. Bean casserole.

• 40:52Mae Martin?

  And then, okay, order number 99, order number 100. They're like, where's our, what about us? Oh, it's not ready yet because of the bean casserole. We never usually make that. We've never had anyone order that before. Then they finally bring.

• 41:05Fortune Feimster?

  Who orders a bean casserole?

• 41:07Mae Martin?

  And Carolyn eats it and we get on the bus to go back down and she says, she says, she goes green. She says, I'm gonna shit my pants. And I said.

• 41:17Fortune Feimster?

  It's an entire casserole of beans. Yeah.

• 41:20Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 41:21Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune caught on to this right away. Cheese is probably the other part of it.

• 41:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. So I start laughing hysterically, like we've reached a point of like delirium. And we get into town and it was like, there's no room at the inn. Like she was knocking on restaurant doors saying, can I use the bathroom? And they're, oh, no, sorry, we don't do that. And she was panicking, she's shuffling around.

• 41:40Fortune Feimster?

  Those Irish Welsh people were having none of it.

• 41:44Mae Martin?

  I said, I hope you never find a bathroom, which was a really dark moment of my personality. And then it just in general was the wildest trip and

• 41:54Tig Notaro?

  But also, why would you not want her to find a toilet when if she does use her own pants as a toilet, your life will then become very miserable.

• 42:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that would be bad for you.

• 42:07Tig Notaro?

  Like even worse than hers, honestly.

• 42:09Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, but what happened? Did she ever?

• 42:11Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's all the time we have.

• 42:15Mae Martin?

  No. Did she ever find a toilet? We went to the B and B where we were staying and it was locked, but they that we remember that she'd put our extra luggage in this shed and it had a toilet in there, but we go in and the toilet's not connected to anything. It's just an empty toilet.

• 42:30Fortune Feimster?

  Is this a hole?

• 42:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah. So she said, I can't go there. So then we find, we finally found a cafe that said she could use the toilet, but it was like, the cafe was the size of the studio at HeadGum and the toilet was right there and it was only like a mesh, like they're like, and she had to go and have explosive diarrhea while everyone's sitting, eating their food, just on the other side of this mesh. Oh my God, it was funny.

• 42:58Tig Notaro?

  Well, everyone sat eating bean casseroles.

• 43:03Fortune Feimster?

  Terrible.

• 43:03Mae Martin?

  But we really want to have another go around. Like I needed, I want to go for round two with the universe, you know?

• 43:10Tig Notaro?

  No, there's no reason.

• 43:12Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I would be curious if y'all would have a better time, but also she probably would order something like that again. And

• 43:19Mae Martin?

  Exactly.

• 43:19Fortune Feimster?

  I do feel like.

• 43:20Tig Notaro?

  I mean, if we know Caroline.

• 43:22Mae Martin?

  Caroline.

• 43:23Fortune Feimster?

  Which we do.

• 43:24Tig Notaro?

  Is it Caroline or Carolyn?

• 43:25Mae Martin?

  Carolyn.

• 43:26Fortune Feimster?

  Well, we know her so well.

• 43:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's why I call her Caroline.

• 43:29Mae Martin?

  She is your type of person. You would be into her.

• 43:32Tig Notaro?

  Me?

• 43:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, both of you, but yeah.

• 43:34Tig Notaro?

  Okay. All right.

• 43:36Mae Martin?

  Okay. That's my story. Whale's nightmare. It was cursed. Oh, but the train did come. Oh, but it was a half a train.

• 43:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh no, there's no buses. Yeah, the bus comes tomorrow. Well, I have a story. Yes. My friend was at her house in Colorado. Somebody knocked on the door and asked if she wanted to buy a romantic getaway package. Yeah, you always say yes to that. And she did, and she bought it to go with her boyfriend, and then they broke up. Oh my god. So she gives me a ring a ding, and she's like, I bought this romantic getaway. From a stranger that knocked on my door. Yeah, somebody's selling. Yeah, selling, that's, you know, it's a different time. Right, right.

• 44:26Tig Notaro?

  So she buys this package, asks me to go in place of her boyfriend. We go to the Bahamas, okay? And the reason it turns out that this was so cheap was because it was off season, okay? Yup, yup. There's nobody there. It's burning hot. Ooh. Everything is closed. Oh my god. It like, it's, and also when we checked into the hotel room, the bed was heart shaped. Of course. Okay, so me and my friend are sleeping on a heart shaped bed. And speaking of toilets, I know you love a toilet, May. Yeah.

• 45:07Tig Notaro?

  Um, this was like the romantic suite. So we were laughing so hard because the toilet was near the bed, but like it had this little, um. Like half a wall, kind of like a little nook? No, it was, it was a full wall, but it had like this little window where you could open the window uh, from the toilet and look at the bed. And it's like, what sort of weird relation? Like, why would you be on the toilet? Like you, I guess if you just got married and you miss your person. Not talk. You can't be away from them. You're on the toilet, whether you're doing a duker or um.

• 45:49Tig Notaro?

  You open the little blinds and you're like, hi.

• 45:54Mae Martin?

  Doing a doker.

• 45:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And then, and then we also got lured into the like, you know, go, go on a tour and meet with, this was so long ago when we did not have enough money to be on a vacation. And so when they're, when the people are like, oh, do you want to go look at time share condos? And, and at the end of the tour, you get a free meal. So we went and looked at time share condos to get a free meal. That was so disgusting.

• 46:20Mae Martin?

  I've done that.

• 46:22Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 46:23Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god.

• 46:24Tig Notaro?

  It was such a, but it's also that thing where I'm sure with your friend, you probably had a great time.

• 46:31Mae Martin?

  I had the best time. Yeah.

• 46:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we had so much fun and we also, we were taking pictures to create our own pamphlet of like the off season in the Bahamas. And we were just like dripping in sweat. We were so sunburned. Everything was closed and we're lying on the hard shaped bed and peeking at each other from the toilet.

• 46:54Mae Martin?

  It's if you can switch your mind to delighting, delighting in the misfortune and stuff, then it's really joyful.

• 47:01Tig Notaro?

  Everything, everything in life is about that. It's just like, you just have to move a few things around and see it differently and then just have a blast.

• 47:10Mae Martin?

  Yes. That's so funny.

• 47:12Tig Notaro?

  That's my terrible, but good story.

• 47:15Mae Martin?

  I love it. I want to see some of those pics and I'll send you a pic from the whale's trip too. You can see in our eyes the kind of, huh huh.

• 47:26Fortune Feimster?

  I have two stories because they're short.

• 47:29Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 47:29Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, well, one was when I was living in Spain, I went up to London to visit a friend of mine who was studying abroad in London and another friend of mine who was also living in Spain came with me. And we wanted to all take a trip to Scotland together to Edinburgh. And our, you know, planes from London to Edinburgh are not that expensive. But our friend was really cheap and she was like, I think we should just take the bus. And we were like, didn't really research it, you know, because this was like pre, this was like when internet cafes were the thing. Yeah. We had to pay for internet. So we didn't really research how long that would be. And the bus ended up being like eight hours overnight, miserable.

• 48:14Fortune Feimster?

  We were like, holy shit, why did we agree to do this? This is crazy. We get to our hostel and it's like, we've arrived at like 6:00 AM. They're like, you can't check in till like, you know, two or something. So we're like wandering about Edinburgh in the cold and we're just like, you know, have nowhere to go because nothing's open yet. Then we go, uh, finally get into the hostel. We, we get this room and it's nice and cozy and we're like, oh, this is lovely. And we go hike Arthur's Seat. Yeah. And my friend falls down the mountain. No.

• 48:49Mae Martin?

  No. No.

• 48:52Fortune Feimster?

  Like rolling falls down the mountain. Falls down.

• 48:55Mae Martin?

  No.

• 48:55Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my god. Not like, not like we need a hospital, but like, Yeah, but like. But she's limping now the rest of the trip and has a, we had to get a walking stick. Oh, my god. Her clothes are ruined and muddy.

• 49:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god.

• 49:09Fortune Feimster?

  That's quite a hike, too. That's like. Yeah, it was crazy. And then we, then we go like clean her up and we go to dinner and like we're starting to have a good time. And we're like, oh, I can't wait to get back to, um, our hostel, that cozy, warm room. We get back to the hostel and it's only like, I mean, it's like 7:00 PM. It's not that late. And our, the lights are off in the room and we realize that all of our luggage is like in this, put in the center of the room and we're like, what is happening? And um, we turned the lights on and there are people sleeping in our beds. And they just like moved our luggage to the middle of the room.

• 49:52Mae Martin?

  What?

• 49:53Fortune Feimster?

  And we're like, what? And but that but none of them wake up. They're all still asleep. So we go down to the front desk and we're like, hey, there are people in our room and they're like, oh, shoot. Yeah, but our bad, but like, we're totally booked tonight.

• 50:11Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 50:12Fortune Feimster?

  So they they're we're like, OK, but like, that was our room. And they're they didn't want to like, wake these people up. So they ended up putting us in like, the the basically, the workers quarters, where there is like

• 50:26Mae Martin?

  My gosh.

• 50:27Fortune Feimster?

  Forty bunk beds in this basement of the people like that work there. And it's for re it is a dungeon and it is like freezing cold.

• 50:37Mae Martin?

  Jesus.

• 50:39Fortune Feimster?

  And so we have to sleep in the the workers quarters where like with all these straight, like thirty other strangers are in there.

• 50:48Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 50:49Fortune Feimster?

  We're like shivering through the night, only to like, you know, um, the next day, get on another. I think we stayed like one more day. We got a proper room and then had to take an eight hour bus back. It was like, this is the worst

• 51:04Mae Martin?

  My Lord.

• 51:04Fortune Feimster?

  Trip of our lives.

• 51:06Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 51:07Fortune Feimster?

  I've done that.

• 51:08Mae Martin?

  Ultimately, did you have, I mean, is it?

• 51:10Fortune Feimster?

  Not enough fun to warrant all of that. Like, I mean, we had, you know, I was and I haven't been back to Scotland since, which I know it's not Scotland's fault, but it was just like one disaster after another.

• 51:24Mae Martin?

  That like subterranean Edinburgh cold, like the stones and everything's damp and yeah.

• 51:30Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, everything's damp and overcast. It was like that time of year where it just felt, you just felt worse, just walking around.

• 51:37Mae Martin?

  It's crazy. You're right. Like, these days, you would just check Reddit and there'd be a thousand people going, oh, don't take the bus. It's worth it. Like, and it's so useful, like all of us would have.

• 51:47Fortune Feimster?

  Fifty euros, it's worth it.

• 51:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but now we get to

• 51:50Fortune Feimster?

  The whole time, we were like, I can't believe we did this.

• 51:52Mae Martin?

  At least we got to have these crazy adventures. These days, very sanitized way of living.

• 51:59Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Well, the other, the other trip that made me laugh, and it was more of like a, a overnight trip from LA to down to San Diego, but um, I can't remember if I told this before, but I, it was, this was years and years and years ago, and I had just gotten dumped and it was like a week before Valentine's Day. And my best friend Andrea, who listens to this pod, shouted it, shout out.

• 52:24Tig Notaro?

  Hey, girl.

• 52:25Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, girl. Um, she had just, she was going through a breakup and uh, we decided, my cousin was like, he was like, oh, like, I hate that you're sad, like, come down for Valentine's Day, we'll go, we'll go out to dinner. And we're like, okay. So she goes with me down there and we're just like two sad sacks that like, everyone, people were starting to recognize me from like Chelsea lately or whatever. And they're like, hey, girl, how are you? I was like, I just got dumped. I'm sad. That's what I would do. That's what I would do. Immediate overture, yeah. And they're both like, okay, you don't have to tell everybody that you just got dumped. But like literally every person, I was like, I just got, I got dumped. I'm really sad. Yeah.

• 53:07Fortune Feimster?

  And then she and I like, were, we were like, this is the saddest Valentine's Day. So we went to the grocery store and bought bubble bath and went back to the hotel and in our bathing suits. Yes. To go bath together.

• 53:20Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I think you told that. That sounds familiar.

• 53:23Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I did, okay.

• 53:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. That doesn't matter on here.

• 53:26Fortune Feimster?

  And um. We're big supporters of friends taking baths. We turned it around because that made us laugh so hard.

• 53:32Tig Notaro?

  That's so great.

• 53:33Fortune Feimster?

  We were making bubble bath mustaches and stuff, but I'll never forget just telling people how sad I was. And I was bumming everyone out.

• 53:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 53:41Fortune Feimster?

  They were trying to have like a nice Valentine's Day dinner and they were so pumped to see me and I, and I was like, I'm not great. Yeah.

• 53:49Tig Notaro?

  I did that with cancer and everywhere I went, people would be like, how are you doing? Like, you know, I'd be at a bar and I'd be like, oh, not great, I have cancer, but um, I'll have a drink, yeah.

• 54:02Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, no one knows what to say after that. Everyone's just like, okay, well. Hope your night turns around.

• 54:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 54:10Mae Martin?

  That was me filming wayward and trying to inspire confidence as a leader and showrunner, but still everyone's like, how's it going? I'm like, well, I opened a bear portal and my life's over.

• 54:20Tig Notaro?

  Can't seem to close it.

• 54:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 54:23Fortune Feimster?

  I think we all just wear our hearts on our sleeves. That's probably what it is.

• 54:26Mae Martin?

  That's our superpower.

• 54:28Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 54:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 54:29Tig Notaro?

  Well, should we hear what Rachel has to say?

• 54:31Mae Martin?

  Yes, we shall. We should.

• 54:34Speaker 05

  My worst vacation story happened about five years ago. My wife and I got into camping because as a lesbian couple, you're either gonna dabble in veganism or campingism. And we decided to go camping because my wife and I really wanted to go to the Rocky Mountain National Park. And specifically, my wife really wanted to see a bighorn sheep. And so we borrowed a tent from one of my friends and my friend was like, this tent is great. The only thing is that it's not waterproof, so don't get it wet.

• 55:00Mae Martin?

  Oh, God.

• 55:00Speaker 05

  So we got to the national park, but it was already nighttime. And so it was pitch black and I could not find where our campsite was. So I see a grassy knoll and I'm like, here seems good. We've set up our campsite. We're like, here we are. We go to sleep. 10 minutes later, all of the sprinklers turned on and absolutely annihilated the tent. I'm like, we're under attack. I opened up, you know how there's like a zipper door situation? I opened it up and the sprinklers just nailed me right in the face. Water's getting inside the tent. I'm freaking out. I was like, babe, we're under attack. Grab, grab the tent. We move everything like a couple yards over, go back to sleep. 10 minutes later, boom,

• 55:43Speaker 05

  new sprinklers just nailing the tent. I'm like, we just moved from one sprinkler section to another sprinkler section. It was so upsetting that we just decided to leave immediately. We just packed up and drove overnight until the morning. In the morning, I looked out the window. I saw a bighorn sheep. I woke up my wife. I was like, babe, it's your bighorn sheep. And my wife was still so upset about all the sprinklers that she just looked out the window and went, I don't give a sheep.

• 56:09Mae Martin?

  I don't give a sheep.

• 56:11Speaker 05

  We don't say that anytime anyone is upset in our marriage. We go, I don't give a sheep.

• 56:15Mae Martin?

  That's really good.

• 56:16Tig Notaro?

  That's great.

• 56:19Tig Notaro?

  Well done.

• 56:20Fortune Feimster?

  I don't give a sheep.

• 56:22Tig Notaro?

  Watch your mouth.

• 56:23Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm. I really like that. Oh, my God. But yeah, to be in a wet tent overnight. No, thank you.

• 56:29Tig Notaro?

  No, even during the day.

• 56:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:33Tig Notaro?

  But also, driving through the night is terrible. And then seeing a sheep and not caring anymore is really bad.

• 56:39Mae Martin?

  That's heartbreaking. Imagine if you saw, Tig, if you saw a mountain goat and you didn't care, I'd know.

• 56:44Tig Notaro?

  I did. When I was visiting my brother, we did go to a local farm and visit little baby goats. And they were hopping all over the place. And I couldn't, I couldn't stand it. It was so cute.

• 56:55Mae Martin?

  Too much. Oh, that's so good.

• 56:58Fortune Feimster?

  Dan, do you agree that lesbians get to a point where they choose either camping or veganism?

• 57:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I've overlapped.

• 57:04Mae Martin?

  Have you? Yeah.

• 57:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 57:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 57:08Fortune Feimster?

  Well, don't forget that our podcast is now also available on Hulu.

• 57:12Tig Notaro?

  Yes, it is.

• 57:13Fortune Feimster?

  On top of where you have been listening or watching it before, you can also catch us on Hulu.

• 57:19Mae Martin?

  Check out handsomepod.com for all your merch needs. There's some really good stuff on there.

• 57:24Fortune Feimster?

  And thank you to everyone who came to our live show in LA. It was incredible.

• 57:29Tig Notaro?

  Yes, it was a good time.

• 57:31Fortune Feimster?

  Always love a live show.

• 57:32Tig Notaro?

  And also, congrats to us winning two Webby's.

• 57:36Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. We won two Webby Awards.

• 57:39Tig Notaro?

  It's like I'm blowing my whole trend of not winning anything. It's such a bummer.

• 57:44Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 57:45Tig Notaro?

  Our podcasts won't stop winning.

• 57:48Fortune Feimster?

  Can't stop, won't stop.

• 57:49Tig Notaro?

  Can't stop, won't stop. Thanks to our listeners. Subscribe and rate and review. It is so helpful to this show. And check us out, like Fortune said, on Hulu. And I'm gonna be on tour, tignotaro.com. I'm also at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles, working on my stuff.

• 58:11Mae Martin?

  Amazing. I am doing the final few dates of my tour. If you're in Denver, Colorado, on May 8th, we just added a late show. There's still tickets left for that at 10:00 PM. Kansas City, May 9th, still some tickets. St. Louis, May 10th. There's just like a A handful of tickets and then Nashville, my last show of the whole tour. Come see me off. It's 7:30 and that's on sale.

• 58:35Speaker 06

  Speaking of Nashville, look at that, Nashville Comedy Festival.

• 58:40Speaker 06

  Anyway, go ahead, Fortune.

• 58:41Fortune Feimster?

  I'm in Toronto this weekend, May 8th at Massey Hall. Then Reading, Pennsylvania, and then my Europe tour, Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Copenhagen, London and Dublin. And then I'm back in the States for Rochester, Minnesota, Cedar Rapids, Omaha, Portland, Maine, and Detroit, and Red Bank, New Jersey. So get those tickets at my website.

• 59:01Speaker 06

  And until next time.

• 59:03Mae Martin?

  Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media, at HandsomePod.

• 59:22Fortune Feimster?

  What a podcast.

• 59:27Mae Martin?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 59:30Speaker 07

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 59:32Speaker 06

  And Hannah Simone.

• 59:33Speaker 07

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 59:54Speaker 06

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 1:00:07Speaker 07

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 1:00:18Speaker 06

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.