Tobin Heath & Christen Press ask about sports

Christen and Tobin reveal that one of them is *not* a fan of... well, you just have to listen and find out. Plus Fortune was butch last night, Mae's making pancakes, and Tig-Marie is being slightly inappropriate, as always! Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here https://www.squadup.com/events/handsome-streaming-live-from-austin. Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

• 0:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:03Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 1:21Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:53Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 2:11Tig Notaro?

  Hi, it's me, your friend Tig Notaro. I'm sitting here with my co-host.

• 2:25Mae Martin?

  I'm your friend and confidant, Mae Martin.

• 2:29Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm Fortune Feimster.

• 2:31Tig Notaro?

  Welcome to the Handsome Podcast.

• 2:34Mae Martin?

  God, it's just so smooth every time.

• 2:37Tig Notaro?

  We are very happy to be here and we are very happy to have you right here at Handsome Headquarters. There's been a few changes here. There's no dilly-dallying, no silliness. We're just getting straight to the important business. No jokes, it's all politics and heavy talk here on Handsome.

• 3:00Mae Martin?

  Did you get that memo, Fortune?

• 3:02Fortune Feimster?

  No, I better watch the news.

• 3:05Mae Martin?

  Oh, no. So are facts allowed?

• 3:09Fortune Feimster?

  Facts are not allowed.

• 3:11Mae Martin?

  No, what am I gonna say?

• 3:14Fortune Feimster?

  Not in this climate.

• 3:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:23Tig Notaro?

  What if we did just become all politics?

• 3:27Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 3:28Fortune Feimster?

  We would not like ourselves.

• 3:30Mae Martin?

  If we became a politics podcast, but none of us did any research or anything. It was just what we know now.

• 3:35Tig Notaro?

  Nobody does anymore. Well, everyone does their own research.

• 3:39Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 3:39Tig Notaro?

  Right?

• 3:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I was thinking about buying a set of Encyclopedia Britannica for my house. And then I thought, I'm just like, that feels like I'm just giving up on the world and just retreating into this 90s bubble of like, things were better than like, I can't be surrounded by encyclopedias that are outdated.

• 3:57Tig Notaro?

  A 90s bubble.

• 3:59Mae Martin?

  Well, that's what my-

• 4:00Tig Notaro?

  Just by getting encyclopedias?

• 4:04Tig Notaro?

  I don't feel like encyclopedias represent the 90s in the way that you think they do.

• 4:10Fortune Feimster?

  Good old days encyclopedia-wise.

• 4:12Mae Martin?

  They, I guess that's my association is like lying in my parents' basement, reading these.

• 4:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 4:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're right. You're right. They probably were around a lot longer, right?

• 4:20Tig Notaro?

  Oh, they've been around for so much longer. In fact, the nineties, that was the tail end of anyone caring.

• 4:26Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 4:27Tig Notaro?

  About encyclopedias. My friend used to go door to door selling encyclopedias.

• 4:32Mae Martin?

  Well, can you hit up your friend and give them my address?

• 4:35Tig Notaro?

  Well, um, I, I think he works for AI now.

• 4:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, Jesus.

• 4:39Fortune Feimster?

  I'm in Google.

• 4:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I think I think about Kurt Cobain when I think about the nineties. I don't think about, um,

• 4:50Fortune Feimster?

  Or Kurt Loder.

• 4:51Tig Notaro?

  Kurt Loder.

• 4:52Mae Martin?

  Who's Kurt Loder?

• 4:53Fortune Feimster?

  MTV.

• 4:54Tig Notaro?

  From MTV, but he was also the eighties.

• 4:56Fortune Feimster?

  But he was all of it. He was, he was who I got my news from.

• 5:00Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:01Mae Martin?

  Okay, who do you, okay, rapid fire, who do you associate with the eighties, aside from Kurt Loder?

• 5:07Tig Notaro?

  Um, Cyndi Lauper.

• 5:09Fortune Feimster?

  George Michael.

• 5:10Mae Martin?

  Nice. Seventies?

• 5:11Tig Notaro?

  James Taylor.

• 5:12Fortune Feimster?

  Village People.

• 5:13Mae Martin?

  Sixties?

• 5:15Tig Notaro?

  Uh, Janis Joplin. I should have said the Beatles.

• 5:19Mae Martin?

  Who?

• 5:20Fortune Feimster?

  The people that dance on the beach.

• 5:22Mae Martin?

  Annette Fermechello?

• 5:24Fortune Feimster?

  What are you doing? I'm having a beach party without you.

• 5:28Tig Notaro?

  I wanna hold your hand.

• 5:33Mae Martin?

  Wait, I've, I've never heard that beach thing.

• 5:35Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, that's not a real song, but there, there was an era in that time where there was like Frankie Valli and

• 5:43Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 5:43Fortune Feimster?

  They had like beach parties.

• 5:45Tig Notaro?

  Whenever, not whenever, Stephanie and I aren't sitting around talking about the sixties all the time, but to Stephanie, the sixties, that's like

• 5:55Mae Martin?

  Very far away.

• 5:56Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, I can't remember how like the, the kind of look of a housewife in the sixties and I guess, uh, well, Mad Men was in the fifties, but it, it turned into the sixties. Is that right?

• 6:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I imagine. Usually how it works.

• 6:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, how dare you? I hadn't seen the show, so I don't know if the show went into the sixties, but, um, I feel like that was the reference point that she had for the sixties. She talked about that world of the sixties, whereas to me, the sixties is like Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

• 6:32Mae Martin?

  Revolution.

• 6:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, cuz she, she was like, oh, you know, the sixties and she described fashion and I was like, wow, I picture bell bottoms. And she was like, Bell bottoms were the seventies and I was like, no, they were the sixties too.

• 6:45Mae Martin?

  Well, yeah, it's kind of end of sixties, early seventies.

• 6:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, and right now Kendrick Lamar or um, for the Super Bowl.

• 6:52Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, I saw that Kendrick Lamar.

• 6:54Tig Notaro?

  Do you know who is obsessed with Kendrick Lamar Lamar?

• 6:57Mae Martin?

  Your boys?

• 6:59Tig Notaro?

  Finn.

• 7:00Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 7:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 7:03Mae Martin?

  That's so cute.

• 7:04Tig Notaro?

  He was putting his playlist together.

• 7:06Mae Martin?

  For what?

• 7:07Tig Notaro?

  Last night and this morning to get him ready for his basketball game.

• 7:11Fortune Feimster?

  He's like, they're not like us. They're not like us.

• 7:15Tig Notaro?

  I mean, and also, what is your, what is your opinion on this? I'm very curious, Thomas included. And not to single you out right now, like I don't care about your opinion other times, Thomas. But because you've known Max and Finn since the day they were born, I'm going to include you in this. But how would any of you feel with your kid listening to music that had really vulgar and inappropriate language and they're eight?

• 7:45Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think I would love it right now.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 7:48Mae Martin?

  I think I'd be okay with it if I talked to them about it and said, you know, sometimes it's cathartic to say these words and like, it's art, you know, and you can't just say them all the time unless you really mean it. That's what my mom said.

• 8:02Tig Notaro?

  Okay, Mr. Thomas?

• 8:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, my parents let me read whatever books and listen to whatever music I wanted. And they would have commentary about it, but I think it was helpful to feel like I could explore whatever I needed to or was curious about.

• 8:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  But it is tricky. I mean, I probably was listening to milder music than Kendrick Lamar. They might have had stronger opinions.

• 8:30Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:31Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, he's awesome, but there are many explicit words.

• 8:35Tig Notaro?

  Well, yeah, when I was like saying to Finn about like the language, he was like, he won a Pulitzer Prize.

• 8:43Fortune Feimster?

  That is true.

• 8:44Tig Notaro?

  True.

• 8:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 8:45Tig Notaro?

  I didn't know that. He was like, yeah, he's, he's really great. He wins awards. And, um, and I was like, totally get that. But I mean, there's really vulgar stuff. And I guess our feeling is, I mean, he, it is, he loves him so much. He can rap all of his songs like at the same speed that Kendrick does.

• 9:08Mae Martin?

  You can't take that away from him. Yeah.

• 9:10Tig Notaro?

  Well, exactly. And also, we have talked to him about certain words that are in, in that. Uh, like the N word is in, in there.

• 9:20Mae Martin?

  He can't be running around.

• 9:21Tig Notaro?

  No, well, no. And Stephanie was like, she talked to him, them, both of them, while I was out of town, saying, this is not just a bad word. This is hate speech.

• 9:32Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 9:32Tig Notaro?

  And explained how and why, just went into the whole thing.

• 9:36Mae Martin?

  The whole thing. Yeah.

• 9:38Tig Notaro?

  Of racism and.

• 9:39Mae Martin?

  Well, I feel like with Kendrick, like, like as long as the, like the messaging is good, like it's, you know, in the early 2000s, you wouldn't have wanted your kids singing some of that stuff that was like so misogynistic and violent.

• 9:51Tig Notaro?

  Oh, for sure.

• 9:52Mae Martin?

  But, you know, as long as the message is good.

• 9:54Tig Notaro?

  But anyway, it's interesting. Why am I telling you about Kendrick Lamar?

• 9:57Mae Martin?

  I don't know how we got onto this, but.

• 9:59Fortune Feimster?

  I think I brought it up. Bell bottoms.

• 10:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes. Oh, right. Yes. That was like a dream day. The Super Bowl with Kendrick Lamar at halftime.

• 10:07Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. Yeah.

• 10:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 04

  Does Finn want bell bottoms now?

• 10:12Tig Notaro?

  I'm waiting to see.

• 10:13Mae Martin?

  Oh, I would love that.

• 10:15Tig Notaro?

  He wears his drip. Do you know what drip is?

• 10:17Fortune Feimster?

  A chain?

• 10:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, he had, Finn wears his gold chains and, uh, and it's called drip. You know, and so, uh, yeah, he wanted gold chains. And so now he has some gold chains. He's got some drip and.

• 10:32Mae Martin?

  I hope bell bottoms come back. Like, like a bit of androgyny would be nice. Like, my dad used to wear, like platform shoes and eyeliner and stuff. Like, why, why didn't that come back?

• 10:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's so interesting. I never thought about bell bottoms being, uh, androgynous, but I guess.

• 10:48Mae Martin?

  Like Robert Plant wearing like skin tight bell bottoms. But I feel like these days people would be like, they're queer baiting.

• 10:59Fortune Feimster?

  I think I saw somewhere that those, he has the same style. Says Timothy Chalamet.

• 11:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, no way.

• 11:05Fortune Feimster?

  Those had been pulled for Timothy, but Kendry ended up wearing them.

• 11:08Mae Martin?

  I really want that stylist, whoever that is. I.

• 11:12Tig Notaro?

  And fortune, that is such a Hollywood term. Pulled that for him.

• 11:17Fortune Feimster?

  Pulled that.

• 11:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:19Fortune Feimster?

  Cause it's a thirteen hundred dollar pair of jeans.

• 11:21Tig Notaro?

  It is. But do people, I don't know, maybe people all around call, pulled that, meaning took,

• 11:30Fortune Feimster?

  Pulled it, pulled it off the rack.

• 11:31Tig Notaro?

  Pulled it off the rack and set it out for you. Yeah. They pulled that outfit for me.

• 11:36Mae Martin?

  Thirteen hundred dollars. I wish I'd held on to.

• 11:39Fortune Feimster?

  They're Celine.

• 11:40Tig Notaro?

  I don't think your old bell bottoms are worth thirteen hundred, may. Is that what you're thinking?

• 11:45Mae Martin?

  Well, I used to go to Sporting Life on Young Street and I'd get my Adidas tearaway pants and my bell bottom skinny jeans.

• 11:57Fortune Feimster?

  I've never had bell bottoms.

• 11:59Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 12:00Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm. I gotta show off my gams. I'm in short shorts.

• 12:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

• 12:05Tig Notaro?

  Do you wear short shorts so short that like a little bit of your moon is hanging out at the bottom?

• 12:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my butt?

• 12:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:13Fortune Feimster?

  I don't have a butt, so ain't no moon.

• 12:15Mae Martin?

  You don't have a butt. Just flat like a piece of paper?

• 12:19Tig Notaro?

  How do you sit down?

• 12:21Fortune Feimster?

  I have zero butt.

• 12:26Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house. My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 12:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 12:54Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 13:16Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I used Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything. I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 13:45Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

• 14:01Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 14:21Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 14:45Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 15:06Mae Martin?

  I like when you can see someone's butt coming out of their

• 15:09Fortune Feimster?

  You do?

• 15:10Mae Martin?

  Short shorts. I wish I hadn't said that. I sound like

• 15:12Fortune Feimster?

  I'm such an old fuddy duddy.

• 15:14Tig Notaro?

  That's not my thing.

• 15:17Fortune Feimster?

  I've been seeing, especially girls in the airports, wearing these

• 15:21Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 15:22Fortune Feimster?

  Shorts with their asses hanging out. And I'm like, in the airport?

• 15:26Tig Notaro?

  Grandpa Fortune. Grandpa Fortune.

• 15:29Fortune Feimster?

  I'm, I'm a grandpa with that stuff. I'm just like, it's freezing on those planes.

• 15:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:35Fortune Feimster?

  And they're gross seats. Why are you letting your asshole?

• 15:40Tig Notaro?

  Wait, what?

• 15:41Mae Martin?

  Wait, Fortune, no one said, no, no.

• 15:44Tig Notaro?

  I'm sorry.

• 15:44Mae Martin?

  Why are their assholes out?

• 15:46Tig Notaro?

  I dozed off for a minute.

• 15:47Fortune Feimster?

  Their buttholes literally hanging out of their shorts. There's no way it's not getting germs from those seats.

• 15:53Mae Martin?

  What airport are you going to?

• 15:55Fortune Feimster?

  Go on any plane. They're disgusting.

• 15:57Tig Notaro?

  Rectum is hanging? Like, I don't understand.

• 15:59Fortune Feimster?

  Like their butts literally hanging out of these shorts.

• 16:03Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 16:03Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm sure a part of their butthole exposed as well.

• 16:08Mae Martin?

  God.

• 16:09Tig Notaro?

  Why don't you ask them?

• 16:12Fortune Feimster?

  I want to say, ma'am, do you need some more material?

• 16:15Tig Notaro?

  What is it called when your rectum kind of falls out?

• 16:19Mae Martin?

  Prolapse.

• 16:19Tig Notaro?

  Prolapsed rectum. So are you saying that these young girls have prolapsed rectums?

• 16:25Fortune Feimster?

  No, I'm just saying they need to let their shorts be a teeny bit longer. I just don't want to see someone's butt hanging out of their shorts to the airport.

• 16:34Tig Notaro?

  Would you rather see a prolapsed anus?

• 16:37Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 16:38Tig Notaro?

  What do you want to see?

• 16:39Mae Martin?

  I think Fortune would like to see, like, in the old days, um, like, or even my dad still, like, sort of dresses up to take a flight. Like, he'll put on a nice jacket.

• 16:47Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I don't need that. I'm still in full sweatpants.

• 16:50Mae Martin?

  Okay, you want, yeah.

• 16:51Fortune Feimster?

  I just, I just don't need to see your ass hanging out of your short.

• 16:55Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 16:55Tig Notaro?

  Not even mine?

• 16:56Fortune Feimster?

  Not even yours, Tig.

• 16:58Mae Martin?

  God, I'm glad you guys can only see me from the shoulders up right now, because my asshole is out.

• 17:04Tig Notaro?

  Short shorts. Oh, my gosh.

• 17:07Fortune Feimster?

  You still have a short short to not see your butthole?

• 17:10Tig Notaro?

  How?

• 17:10Mae Martin?

  I've never seen a butthole, to clarify, hanging out of a damn short.

• 17:14Tig Notaro?

  Ever? Oh, oh, that surprises me.

• 17:18Mae Martin?

  I um can I shift gears here?

• 17:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, please.

• 17:21Tig Notaro?

  Church?

• 17:23Mae Martin?

  I made apple pancakes this morning.

• 17:25Fortune Feimster?

  Ooh, how was that?

• 17:27Tig Notaro?

  Pro-lapsed anus?

• 17:28Mae Martin?

  No. I I just have finally like settled into this house and I um.

• 17:34Tig Notaro?

  Since yesterday?

• 17:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:36Tig Notaro?

  Since when we talked?

• 17:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah, so I bought like some groceries and then this morning I I had the I had some pancake mix and I was gonna make a regular pancake and then I thought I can do more than that and so I chopped up an apple, fried it in some butter and cinnamon.

• 17:53Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 17:53Mae Martin?

  Then poured the pancake batter in.

• 17:56Tig Notaro?

  What a day.

• 17:57Fortune Feimster?

  And how did it come out?

• 17:59Mae Martin?

  Five minutes late to record.

• 18:03Tig Notaro?

  You're finishing your pancakes? Well, don't let us bother you.

• 18:07Fortune Feimster?

  Pancake. Oh, it's handsome time.

• 18:10Mae Martin?

  I don't know, I just.

• 18:11Tig Notaro?

  We're sitting here on the Zoom for seven extra minutes. Have no idea that May is just sitting there.

• 18:17Fortune Feimster?

  Saltine apples.

• 18:19Tig Notaro?

  Eating pancakes with a prolapsed anus hanging out of your shorts.

• 18:26Fortune Feimster?

  Were they good?

• 18:27Mae Martin?

  They were really good. They needed, there was something missing. I don't know what, but yeah. I gotta take, this is the first time you've seen my my house, but that won't be how the window looks permanently.

• 18:38Tig Notaro?

  I have no judgment.

• 18:39Fortune Feimster?

  I secretly was like, what the? What's going on with that window?

• 18:43Tig Notaro?

  Can I tell you about the house I live in?

• 18:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:46Tig Notaro?

  Very nice house.

• 18:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:48Tig Notaro?

  However, Stephanie and I moved in when Max and Finn were one. Okay, they were tiny babies. And so we didn't put anything on the walls for a long time. Thomas, I don't know if you remember this, we didn't even have furniture in our living room. We only had like playpens and stuff. And Max and Finn were like the most active into everything kids. And then together, it was like, they weren't like, you know, I don't even wanna, no kid is bad, but like, they weren't, they were just so active.

• 19:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:25Tig Notaro?

  And so we were like, we are not decorating our house at all. Okay? And then the pandemic hits and we're like, well, we can't.

• 19:37Tig Notaro?

  Redo our house or like, you know, do any, we're just gonna, we have to wait till it's safe again.

• 19:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 19:44Tig Notaro?

  Um, and then we started to think, oh, we're gonna move, we're gonna get a different house. And then we didn't. And now Max and Finner ate. I never would have noticed, but Stephanie pointed out, we have, our house is so outdated. And I have, I don't have a good eye for that. I do now because I feel, because Stephanie has pointed things out, but it's taken us so, like the countertops and like certain like

• 20:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:12Tig Notaro?

  Molding across around the ceiling and stuff like that. So for me to look at that window behind you.

• 20:19Mae Martin?

  Which is truly almost exposed to the outside, but it's

• 20:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that is no thing to me.

• 20:24Mae Martin?

  The size, and now I'm gonna make it the size of that.

• 20:28Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 20:28Mae Martin?

  But I'm gonna put a stained glass, um, and you get to design what kind of stained glass pattern you want. So I'm open to suggestions, maybe a

• 20:38Fortune Feimster?

  Prolapse stainist.

• 20:41Fortune Feimster?

  I have a hole in my wall.

• 20:42Mae Martin?

  Oh, you do? What's that from?

• 20:45Fortune Feimster?

  My plumbing went kaput in this bathroom.

• 20:48Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 20:49Fortune Feimster?

  And they opened up the wall trying to get to it, a busted pipe, and it didn't, um, it didn't go anywhere, so it's just a hole in the wall. They had to go through the tile to get to the pipe, so I have like thousands of dollars.

• 21:03Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 21:04Fortune Feimster?

  Worth of damage for one busted pipe.

• 21:06Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 21:08Mae Martin?

  Are they gonna fill up the holes?

• 21:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, this, the next week or two.

• 21:12Tig Notaro?

  May.

• 21:13Mae Martin?

  Sorry.

• 21:14Fortune Feimster?

  The buttholes?

• 21:18Tig Notaro?

  Well, I guess I'm just trying to say, we're all going through it with our houses, all right?

• 21:23Mae Martin?

  Well, it's a long process and probably you and Stephanie were like, oh, we'll just live in it and then we'll get to know what it needs.

• 21:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna do this and it kept, we kept kicking it down the road.

• 21:33Mae Martin?

  But then you're living in it, you're like, well, it's all right.

• 21:36Tig Notaro?

  Well, and we have friends that, uh, my friend's partner is like a really talented carpenter handyman kinda guy.

• 21:47Mae Martin?

  Wait, are you talking about? Jonathan Scott?

• 21:51Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, I mean, he is a very talented handyman friend that doesn't have time for our ridiculous things.

• 22:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I know, I was like.

• 22:02Fortune Feimster?

  Jonathan Scott's going around being people's handyman.

• 22:05Tig Notaro?

  Well, he's the nicest guy, and I've certainly abused the friendship a few times.

• 22:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 22:13Tig Notaro?

  But no, this is a friend who lives in Texas, and her partner is really talented, and he's supposed to come and make our life right.

• 22:25Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, nice. That's good.

• 22:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but who knows when that's gonna happen? So, all I'm saying is I feel you on the window, May.

• 22:33Mae Martin?

  Thanks.

• 22:34Fortune Feimster?

  I was very butch last night.

• 22:36Tig Notaro?

  Oh, why? Let's hear about it.

• 22:39Fortune Feimster?

  It was very exciting.

• 22:40Tig Notaro?

  But you're getting so girly to talk about your butchiness.

• 22:44Tig Notaro?

  You guys, oh my gosh, gather around. Let me tell you how butchy I was.

• 22:48Fortune Feimster?

  You wouldn't effing believe how butch I was last night.

• 22:51Tig Notaro?

  Girl, tell us.

• 22:53Fortune Feimster?

  Girl, let me tell you what I did. Um, I got home and I noticed that the, there's a large olive tree, it's like a olive tree, but it's not like a tall, tall tree. It's more like a big, large bush.

• 23:10Mae Martin?

  Oh, an olive bush.

• 23:13Fortune Feimster?

  Okay. And it had gotten very unruly, so Jax is out of town, and I'm like, what else am I gonna do besides, you know, maybe order food from Cheesecake Factory?

• 23:29Tig Notaro?

  Exactly. What else does one do?

• 23:32Fortune Feimster?

  So I got our, we have like, what is this called?

• 23:36Tig Notaro?

  Shear.

• 23:36Fortune Feimster?

  An axe.

• 23:37Mae Martin?

  Scythe.

• 23:38Tig Notaro?

  Toothbrush.

• 23:40Mae Martin?

  Oh, electric trimmer.

• 23:41Fortune Feimster?

  Electric trimmer, yes. I got it out of the garage, and I trimmed that bush, baby.

• 23:50Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 23:51Fortune Feimster?

  But it was tall, and I was like, I was like, probably shouldn't have done this, but I was like, doing it over my head, like, meh.

• 23:59Tig Notaro?

  You were making that noise with your mouth when you were doing it?

• 24:02Fortune Feimster?

  Meh.

• 24:04Tig Notaro?

  And there was nothing in your hands?

• 24:08Mae Martin?

  And that's so satisfying.

• 24:10Fortune Feimster?

  I couldn't believe how much I took off of it.

• 24:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:13Fortune Feimster?

  And I, and it's a beautiful round shape.

• 24:16Tig Notaro?

  Can you post a picture on our, um, social media, please?

• 24:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it's very boring what it looks like. It's not like I made a swan.

• 24:26Tig Notaro?

  It doesn't matter. We, please, can you take a picture of it? And we'll post it on social. We need content, remember? Now, let me ask you this. Had you ever done this before? Or were you like, I got some free time, the ladies away.

• 24:42Fortune Feimster?

  Truth be told, I did it once before. Didn't know we had an electric trimmer. Until Jack one day took it out to trim this other small bush that is between us and our neighbor's house. It was getting unruly. Yeah, it was getting unruly. So she started trimming that and I was like, oh, I didn't even know we had this. And then she put it down. So I was like, let me see how this, I was like, oh, this is easy. And guys, I trimmed that bush.

• 25:14Mae Martin?

  Did you feel, did you feel really like you'd accomplished? Like that's, you go to bed better that night.

• 25:20Fortune Feimster?

  Handy as F.

• 25:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Oh, that's great. Did you listen to a podcast while you did it? Or you just let the sound of it buzzing?

• 25:27Fortune Feimster?

  I just used, I just used my imagination.

• 25:31Tig Notaro?

  When she was using the imaginary, um, trimmer, she was like.

• 25:35Fortune Feimster?

  Entertained my, Biggie was outside with me, not near the trimmer. But we just, I mean, I didn't need to distract myself. I was just one with nature while I cut it down.

• 25:48Mae Martin?

  That's nice. Oh, man, I, I want that. I want, uh, to be present.

• 25:54Fortune Feimster?

  There's some.

• 25:55Mae Martin?

  In nature.

• 25:56Fortune Feimster?

  There's some butch lesbian listening to this right now who lives in like South Dakota.

• 26:00Tig Notaro?

  You think we have a lesbian following?

• 26:02Mae Martin?

  I don't think we have any lesbian listeners.

• 26:05Fortune Feimster?

  She's like in the woods right now, listening to our podcast while she's like got an axe in one hand and a giant leaf blower in another and.

• 26:13Mae Martin?

  I love that image.

• 26:14Fortune Feimster?

  Laughing like, Fortune thinks that's butch. And let me tell you, Janice. Yes, it is.

• 26:21Mae Martin?

  You think that's butch? I took out my own appendix with no anesthetic.

• 26:26Tig Notaro?

  Wait, Janice is a butchy name to you?

• 26:30Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Janice.

• 26:33Mae Martin?

  Janice, I picture the receptionist from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, even though I don't think that's her name, but that's what I picture for Janice a little bit.

• 26:41Fortune Feimster?

  Linda, is that better?

• 26:43Tig Notaro?

  Linda?

• 26:43Mae Martin?

  Linda, I'm thinking Linda Ronstadt. Yeah, Terry's more.

• 26:47Tig Notaro?

  Terry.

• 26:49Mae Martin?

  Like Terry.

• 26:50Fortune Feimster?

  My name's Terry. That's a good one. Maxine. Harry's got a carabiner and about to take you on a boat ride around the lake.

• 26:58Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie does this character of like a husband that yells at his wife, who's named Linda, about the cat getting into his office.

• 27:11Tig Notaro?

  So he's like, Linda, the cat, get the cats in my office. Linda, come get the cat.

• 27:18Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, God. What if one of us had a husband?

• 27:22Mae Martin?

  I might have a husband. Look, I still could.

• 27:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 27:26Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, do you want a husband? I thought, I knew you liked guys, but would you be into an actual husband?

• 27:32Tig Notaro?

  Likes guys, loves guys.

• 27:34Fortune Feimster?

  Loves guys, but also do you want to, would you ever want a husband?

• 27:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I would have a, if I met a guy who was like obsessed with me, then yeah, yeah, I'd love a husband. I think.

• 27:48Fortune Feimster?

  If I met a guy who was obsessed with me and let me have a girlfriend?

• 27:51Mae Martin?

  No, I think I could, I think I'm like, I maybe I, I'd be insecure. Like I wouldn't believe that he was really into me. If he was obsessed, yeah, I might also want a girlfriend on the side, but I would love, I would be happy with a husband.

• 28:05Tig Notaro?

  Wait a minute. So, but when you're hooking up with men now, don't you think some of them are obsessed with you, just like some women are? Or do you not see yourself as obsessable?

• 28:18Mae Martin?

  I think I, in the moment of hooking up, and I dated, I dated a guy for like six months a few years ago and, and that was great. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think, yeah.

• 28:31Fortune Feimster?

  It's a little scarier when men are obsessed.

• 28:34Mae Martin?

  Well, no, I mean, I don't mean like.

• 28:36Tig Notaro?

  Take it from Fortune.

• 28:38Mae Martin?

  Sorry.

• 28:40Fortune Feimster?

  No offense, hashtag not all men, but you know.

• 28:45Tig Notaro?

  Fortune's got some pretty spooky stories of dudes she could not shake.

• 28:50Fortune Feimster?

  If I had a nickel for every man that was obsessed with this old gal, I'd have a lot of nickels.

• 28:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, no, I would, I would, I would almost want to have a husband just to shock you guys.

• 29:03Fortune Feimster?

  Want to kill spiders.

• 29:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 29:07Fortune Feimster?

  Sometimes a husband, the idea sounds nice, but then I'm like, that's just a roommate.

• 29:14Mae Martin?

  Well, that's because you're not in, you're not romantically inclined that way. But I've had girlfriends who, every girlfriend I've had actually is probably braver than me at like spiders and stuff.

• 29:24Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I don't know if you heard how butch I am.

• 29:27Tig Notaro?

  I pick up spiders with my bare hands.

• 29:30Mae Martin?

  What?

• 29:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 29:31Mae Martin?

  Terry?

• 29:32Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I know. Terry picks them up, tosses them out, and my whole family calls me country mouse.

• 29:39Mae Martin?

  Why do you do it with your hands? So do you think they wouldn't, they won't bite?

• 29:44Tig Notaro?

  Well, I can kind of tell that they're just little house spiders and, you know, that we don't have like.

• 29:50Mae Martin?

  Black widows.

• 29:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we're not like in the middle of Australia over here. Huh?

• 29:55Mae Martin?

  Black widows are in LA?

• 29:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 29:58Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck.

• 29:59Tig Notaro?

  And they get through ratty old windows too, you know?

• 30:03Mae Martin?

  No, don't say that. Oh my God. I'm going to see them crawling in behind me.

• 30:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's easy if also if you have like a piano backed up to the ratty old window.

• 30:13Fortune Feimster?

  They love playing piano.

• 30:14Tig Notaro?

  If you, you'll hear eight, you know, keys.

• 30:19Fortune Feimster?

  I am poisonous.

• 30:22Mae Martin?

  I went to stay in a bed and breakfast in Wales with my friend and I booked it. I was like.

• 30:26Tig Notaro?

  With Debbie?

• 30:27Mae Martin?

  No, I went. And I was like, this place looks so adorable. And we arrived and, and then the woman took us to our room and she goes, oh. Well, you've got company tonight. And we went, what do you mean? And then she points to the ceiling and there were spiders all over it.

• 30:42Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 30:44Mae Martin?

  And we said, well, can you get rid of them? She went, oh, they'll only come back.

• 30:47Fortune Feimster?

  They'll only come back? And they'll be pissed and they'll kill you.

• 30:51Tig Notaro?

  And did they stay on the ceiling?

• 30:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, they were, I mean, we just had to fall asleep.

• 30:56Fortune Feimster?

  My nightmare.

• 30:57Mae Martin?

  It was hell. It was hell to me.

• 30:58Fortune Feimster?

  A bed and breakfast.

• 31:00Mae Martin?

  And the bathroom was carpeted and the carpet was damp in the bathroom.

• 31:04Tig Notaro?

  I stayed in a hotel.

• 31:05Fortune Feimster?

  Eating breakfast with other people?

• 31:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:08Tig Notaro?

  I was in a room with a rat.

• 31:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

• 31:14Tig Notaro?

  And they couldn't find it and there was no other extra room. And it was like, oh my gosh. And then also, obviously, you know, the comedian Morgan Murphy? She and I shared a room, a motel room in Austin so many years ago. I'll have to find this video of us in a room. And there was a roach in there that was the size of a horse.

• 31:42Mae Martin?

  Oh, Christ.

• 31:43Tig Notaro?

  And, um, and we were squealing like little tiny girls. And then we couldn't find it and then we saw it again. And then it walked out the door.

• 31:55Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 31:56Tig Notaro?

  Under the door. It just left.

• 31:58Mae Martin?

  It was like, I'm out.

• 31:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And I was laughing like it knows it's in a gross motel room. It was like, this place is disgusting.

• 32:11Mae Martin?

  But that's funny that you're, um, you're fine picking up spiders, but then that roach spun you out.

• 32:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, roaches are a different thing. And plus, like, living in Mississippi as a kid, I got very scarred because roaches, not only are gigantic, not only do they fly, but they have necks.

• 32:33Tig Notaro?

  And heads.

• 32:34Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 32:35Tig Notaro?

  And like can turn like.

• 32:37Mae Martin?

  What do you mean?

• 32:38Tig Notaro?

  They have exactly what I'm saying, they. They are large with wings and they have necks.

• 32:43Mae Martin?

  Cockroaches have necks is a new, I've got to write that down.

• 32:46Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 32:47Mae Martin?

  Forget that.

• 32:47Tig Notaro?

  Write that down.

• 32:49Mae Martin?

  I need to write that down.

• 32:50Tig Notaro?

  And with that, we should get on to our guest, shall we?

• 32:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Well, today's question askers are two soccer stars who have won multiple gold medals as members of the US women's soccer team. They're also entrepreneurs and podcasters. Their show Recap is all about global soccer and women's sports. And on top of that, they're an amazing, awesome, cool couple. Tobin Heath and Kristin Press are asking today's question.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  Hello, handsome.

• 33:29Speaker 06

  I'm Kristin Press.

• 33:30Speaker 05

  And I'm Tobin Heath.

• 33:31Speaker 06

  And we are not entirely sure how we got the call up to be on your amazing show because we are notoriously fun, but not funny. And our show, The Recap Show, we laugh a lot, but it's mostly people laughing at us, not with us.

• 33:48Speaker 05

  Although I feel like you've found your sense of humor on the show. Yeah. You're always so serious sometimes.

• 33:57Speaker 06

  Am I funny or am I serious?

• 33:59Speaker 05

  Oh, that's the question. Um, okay, so we have a question for you all.

• 34:06Speaker 06

  And Tobin forgot it. No, I know the question.

• 34:09Speaker 05

  Fair.

• 34:10Speaker 06

  Are you a sports fan?

• 34:14Speaker 05

  For those of us.

• 34:15Speaker 06

  For those of you who don't know, we, we play sport. Uh, we play soccer. So we're wondering, are you sports fans? What teams do you support? And do you think that sports was made for you? Uh, are the commentators, players, are they entertaining for you? Are they calling in women, non-binary people, our demographic? Why are we not?

• 34:42Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm.

• 34:43Speaker 06

  Thanks for the support.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  Good luck.

• 34:49Fortune Feimster?

  So I will start off by saying, this is very exciting for me. I am a huge fan of our US Women's National Soccer Team. I have the honor of getting to announce the roster uh for our Women's World Cup team.

• 35:07Tig Notaro?

  No way.

• 35:08Fortune Feimster?

  And we uh ended up winning gold, baby.

• 35:12Tig Notaro?

  Yes, we did. Fortune.

• 35:14Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you.

• 35:14Tig Notaro?

  And they won.

• 35:16Fortune Feimster?

  So anyone who follows women's soccer knows that Tobin and Kristen are legends. They are two of the best to have ever played. Um, watching them was such a treat. They're pretty incredible, and they're doing a ton for women's sports and um helping to like bring it more to the forefront and covering it with their podcasts and a lot of their other endeavors. Um, just two people that are really very big voices uh for women's sports. And many, many years, people did not know they were a couple. People had speculations. And when they finally came out in recent times,

• 35:59Fortune Feimster?

  it um broke the internet for the women's sports fans.

• 36:03Tig Notaro?

  How long have they been together?

• 36:05Fortune Feimster?

  I think like eight years.

• 36:07Tig Notaro?

  Oh, wow.

• 36:07Fortune Feimster?

  But only out, only publicly for in the last like year, maybe?

• 36:13Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 36:13Fortune Feimster?

  And you know, do you know what they did?

• 36:15Tig Notaro?

  Liberating.

• 36:16Fortune Feimster?

  They went to the ESPY Awards. They took a picture on the carpet together, holding pinkies.

• 36:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh. Oh.

• 36:24Fortune Feimster?

  And everyone was like, gay.

• 36:27Tig Notaro?

  Those are the gayest pinkies I've ever seen.

• 36:30Mae Martin?

  Oh, man. Well, even when they were asking the question, they were like, do you feel like the commentators and things are are for you? I was like, I never thought about that. Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard a sort of queer or non-binary, or I don't hear many female commentators, but also I need to be. I I've always watched the the World Cup, the men's World Cup soccer and the European Cup and stuff. And sometimes I watch Premier League in England, but then I I never ended up watching women's soccer because I was always with like groups of friends and pubs and things. Yeah. And then now it's fin- finally, people are playing it in in pubs. And I got really into the British women's soccer team. And when I watched it, I was like, this is such

• 37:11Mae Martin?

  better TV because A, they're not faking injuries every five seconds. They're like playing incredibly well with precision and they're but yeah, there just isn't as mu- not to generalize, but it felt like there wasn't as much ego and like, I mean, some of those games for the World Cup when people are just like somersaulting and then they show the replay and nobody touched them. It's insane. It feels like the women's teams don't do that as much. Yeah.

• 37:39Tig Notaro?

  Now, can I say something?

• 37:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:41Tig Notaro?

  Um, May, you know, he'll say things like, um, no pressure.

• 37:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:48Tig Notaro?

  For like, no pressure and stuff like that.

• 37:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:50Tig Notaro?

  I thought when you just said, yeah, and I watched it in pubs with people.

• 37:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:55Tig Notaro?

  I thought you meant like in public.

• 37:58Mae Martin?

  In pubs, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:01Tig Notaro?

  But I I liked it so much that I really would like for people to take that and run. And if we could get a new, uh, word craze going, like, yeah, let's meet up in pubs.

• 38:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's meet up in pubs. Oh, yeah. Well, there were a couple, but they were never in pubs together, so.

• 38:21Tig Notaro?

  I think I'm a naturally athletic person. Um, and I was very drawn to soccer as a child. I played from the time I was five until I was 11 or 12, something like that. But then I started smoking and I just kind of went down the rock and roll, like, what's up path.

• 38:44Mae Martin?

  But Max and Finn are like obsessed.

• 38:47Tig Notaro?

  Well, Finn really is obsessed. Max plays, but we kind of suspect it's just to be around Finn.

• 38:54Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 38:55Tig Notaro?

  And he's good. He's he's really good. But Finn is, as you know, very into stats and the history of different. Teams and he wants to go to all the different stadiums.

• 39:04Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 39:05Tig Notaro?

  You know, anyway, my brother is very into sports and so I played with him as a kid, but I, I was just telling Stephanie last night, cause when we were falling asleep, she was mentioning this baseball player named Tatis, who is on the San Diego Padre baseball team. And I was like, oh, right. Tatis is on the Padres. And Stephanie said, isn't it so funny? How many sports people, like you know their names? And I, and I said, that is so funny. Cause the last time I knew sports figures names was in the seventies.

• 39:46Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 39:47Tig Notaro?

  When I was growing up with my brother and I knew football players, baseball players, basketball, all of that. And I, I would say I catch things on TV, but I don't naturally gravitate towards it as an adult. I did stop smoking, but I'm still cool. And, um, but I enjoy going to live games. Like we've gone to see Angel City.

• 40:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 40:14Tig Notaro?

  We go see the Dodgers, you know, all of that kind of stuff. So that's, it's kind of for, to be around my family.

• 40:22Fortune Feimster?

  Your kids.

• 40:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 40:23Mae Martin?

  I would really like to go to a game with you guys.

• 40:27Tig Notaro?

  That would be amazing.

• 40:28Mae Martin?

  I'm only, I'm saying that mainly because I have a feeling you can get tickets and that you get good seats and maybe we could all go.

• 40:35Fortune Feimster?

  Cause you can get tickets.

• 40:37Mae Martin?

  I wouldn't know where to start.

• 40:38Tig Notaro?

  That's so flattering.

• 40:39Fortune Feimster?

  I guess, I guess get me a ticket while you're at it then.

• 40:42Tig Notaro?

  I'm mainly saying that because I know you can get me a ticket.

• 40:47Tig Notaro?

  Well, we'd love to have you, May, if you put it that way.

• 40:52Fortune Feimster?

  I love sports. Uh, I played them my whole life. I started soccer when I was five years old because my brothers were playing and I wanted to do anything that they did.

• 41:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 41:04Fortune Feimster?

  And I was kind of girly. My mom had me in dresses and then I discovered soccer and that was it. It was like Umbrose. Soccer was my life. I was obsessed with it. Um, I started playing tennis because my oldest brother played tennis. So I started that at seven.

• 41:22Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, what I wouldn't pay to see seven year old Fortune playing tennis. Oh, my God, that's so cute.

• 41:28Fortune Feimster?

  Me, thinking of me playing tennis at seven is wild. I also played T-ball. I started in T-ball.

• 41:35Mae Martin?

  Is that like softball? What's, what is?

• 41:36Fortune Feimster?

  It's T-ball's where the base, the, it's a softer ball and it's on a.

• 41:41Mae Martin?

  Oh, on a stump.

• 41:42Fortune Feimster?

  It's on a tee and you just try to hit it off. It's like for little, little kids.

• 41:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 41:46Fortune Feimster?

  And then I was a kid of the eighties and nineties, so I had a basketball goal in my backyard and nothing to do. So I just shot basketballs all day.

• 41:56Tig Notaro?

  And I'm assuming you had encyclopedias as well.

• 41:59Fortune Feimster?

  Tons of encyclopedias.

• 42:00Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it was the nineties after all.

• 42:03Fortune Feimster?

  So when I got to junior high, we didn't have a women's soccer team and I had played with boys my whole life and they didn't allow girls to play on the boys team in school. So I had to quit soccer.

• 42:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 42:14Fortune Feimster?

  Um, and began playing tennis, uh, softball, basketball, um, and did that all throughout junior high and high school. Then I played college tennis all four years. And, uh, and then my senior year of college, after having not played soccer since I was 12, I joined the college soccer team as well.

• 42:34Mae Martin?

  Do you watch it regularly now? Like you're still?

• 42:36Fortune Feimster?

  I watch only women's soccer. I don't really enjoy the men's soccer, kind of based on what you were saying earlier.

• 42:43Mae Martin?

  So much faking.

• 42:44Fortune Feimster?

  Though I, though I like, you know, Messi and players like Zidane, like these, these legends, I obviously followed their career, but I, I prefer the women's soccer. World Cup is like my dream. I love the, the Olympics, all that stuff. When the Olympics was on, I was watching everything.

• 43:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 43:02Fortune Feimster?

  I, but I don't watch like sports on the reg. Like I don't really, I'm not really into the NBA. I'll watch like.

• 43:08Tig Notaro?

  You're not like Finn.

• 43:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I'll watch like the Super Bowl and I enjoy watching the Dodgers.

• 43:13Mae Martin?

  This just popped into my head because you were saying Zinedine Zidane and then and the nineties like that like those were I would watch the like like Petit and Bartez and stuff like that was and there was this guy called Michael Owen, who was like the star of the England team in the in the World Cup when I was a kid that was like most memorable to me. And he was the he was so young. And anyway, I just Googled it because I was like, did I invent this? He said famously that he'd only watched eight movies in his life. And he just he tweeted recently, I watched my eighth ever film on the flight home. I must have been bored. I hate hashtag hate films.

• 43:53Mae Martin?

  So he's he's only watched eight movies and he's and the movies he's watched are Rocky, Heat, Ghost, Jurassic Park, Cool Runnings, Sea Biscuit, Karate Kid.

• 44:04Fortune Feimster?

  Sea Biscuit.

• 44:06Tig Notaro?

  And and And he hates them all?

• 44:08Mae Martin?

  He hates them all. And then and

• 44:10Fortune Feimster?

  Some of his choices are questionable.

• 44:12Mae Martin?

  I know, I know.

• 44:14Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh, Max and Finn watched Cool Runnings on a loop for about two years.

• 44:20Fortune Feimster?

  That movie was fun.

• 44:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh, they loved it so much.

• 44:23Fortune Feimster?

  The Jamaican bobsled team.

• 44:25Tig Notaro?

  I also want to say, I'm realizing I didn't just start smoking and go down the I'm cool road. I started not doing well in school and they started not letting me play anymore. And I don't agree with that

• 44:42Mae Martin?

  No.

• 44:42Tig Notaro?

  mentality that if you make bad grades, you can't play sports because I think it's a pylon

• 44:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:49Tig Notaro?

  against like destroying your self esteem.

• 44:53Mae Martin?

  They always do that in school. They punish you by taking away the thing that you want to do, the elective thing that you're passionate about.

• 45:00Tig Notaro?

  Well, yeah, and I think that if you I think that that if you're excelling in a sport, that can make you feel better about yourself or if you're excelling in music or

• 45:10Mae Martin?

  Totally.

• 45:10Tig Notaro?

  you know what I mean? I don't know. I just don't feel like sports should be taken away from someone.

• 45:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:16Tig Notaro?

  Because they're struggling in school because maybe you have a lot of rough stuff going on at home, you know?

• 45:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:25Tig Notaro?

  And that's something that's gonna save your life is music or sports or some sort of camaraderie, you know, but um, instead I kind of, yeah, I just, I was like on the outside smoking in the woods, you know?

• 45:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:40Mae Martin?

  I remember, I was told I couldn't do drama the following year.

• 45:44Tig Notaro?

  I thought you were gonna say drugs.

• 45:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Well, that too, but there, I wasn't allowed to do drama the, for the following year because I was so bad at math, so they just made me do more math. And it was like, how is that gonna, right? I switched schools because I was like, that's crazy. Take away the thing that, yeah, keeps you engaged.

• 46:02Fortune Feimster?

  I feel like sports helped me get through my childhood.

• 46:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 46:07Fortune Feimster?

  When things were like chaotic at home or my parents were divorcing and, and things were just like sometimes just not good and I didn't want to be at home. I just felt like so lucky I had practice to go to. And that camaraderie is important and builds you up and teaches you how to be a teammate and cheer for other people and support other people. There's a lot of cool lessons. So yeah, to take that away from a kid would be hard.

• 46:40Tig Notaro?

  For, for schools or teachers to be like, you failed, you're off the team. That black and whiteness is so, I think, it's, it's really, really bad news. Um, because the, uh, the support that, that kids get in these extracurricular activities where they're maybe falling so far behind academically. The other, um, classes or, um, activities can, um, can be what saves them and keeps them on the right track and feel that they're not being cut out of life and on the outside, you know?

• 47:24Mae Martin?

  Do you, do you guys cry when you watch sports? I cry every time anyone scores a goal and every time.

• 47:30Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie.

• 47:31Fortune Feimster?

  I really.

• 47:31Mae Martin?

  Sports movies.

• 47:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, man, I cry when anyone wins or scores a goal.

• 47:36Mae Martin?

  I mean, I can't say that she does that. She's not as unhinged. But no, she uh, she's very emotional about about sports, but also sports movies. She's uh, and then like sports documentaries and things like that.

• 47:55Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, there's some really good ones out there.

• 47:57Mae Martin?

  Real wrapped up.

• 47:58Fortune Feimster?

  Netflix has a lot of sports documentaries right now, even I'm not like a big track person, but sometimes I'll watch sprint. Just to like see all the work that goes into these professional athletes' lives is pretty like impressive. I could never have that kind of dedication.

• 48:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, well.

• 48:22Fortune Feimster?

  In that way. I mean, it takes a very special person. That's why there's only so many professional athletes. But yeah, it's too much nutrition for me.

• 48:32Mae Martin?

  Not to get like zeitgeisty or like political, but when you're talking about like how valuable sports can be for young people who feel alienated or are struggling, it just, it makes me so sad that trans kids are not being allowed to play sports and that that's become such a, it's such a tiny percentage of the population and it's so not a threat. But anyway.

• 48:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 48:57Mae Martin?

  Anyway.

• 48:57Fortune Feimster?

  It's a, it is a very, very weird time.

• 49:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 49:03Fortune Feimster?

  It's a weird time. I mean, weird is putting it way too casually, but um, yeah, it all reverberates in every direction, I think, in and out of sports and people's, you know, you can, you can be like, oh, this is my belief. I'm protecting women. It's like, why, why is this where you're protecting women?

• 49:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 49:27Fortune Feimster?

  Why, why is this like, what? Why are you trying to keep them alive?

• 49:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Why doesn't it apply to reproductive rights or anything like that? Also, I would say if I, cause I totally understand people's knee jerk response to the sports.

• 49:42Mae Martin?

  Thing, but I would just encourage encourage people to do some research, read some stats and and and it's all, all the information is out there to clarify what's going on there.

• 49:56Tig Notaro?

  And I think if you want to protect women, yeah, aside from these issues, it's like women are being abused and raped. And where was everyone's concern about protecting women with those issues? Why is it coming out in sports?

• 50:14Mae Martin?

  When we elected a rapist into

• 50:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:17Mae Martin?

  Into office.

• 50:19Tig Notaro?

  But, you know, as we mentioned, we're

• 50:22Mae Martin?

  Not a political podcast.

• 50:24Tig Notaro?

  Podcast. If you want to get your politics, go to a political podcast. We are not the one, but sometimes things come up.

• 50:32Mae Martin?

  Sometimes things slip through. Would rather be talking about prolapsed.

• 50:36Tig Notaro?

  Prolapsed anuses, you know, and if you have a prolapsed anus, it's not funny.

• 50:41Mae Martin?

  No.

• 50:42Tig Notaro?

  Fortune just doesn't want to see it hanging out of your shorts.

• 50:45Fortune Feimster?

  I think that probably is why I do enjoy, you know, the like, watching these women's sports get more due, because then you see more women commentators. You know, it does speak to you and your experiences more. Sports is obviously so male dominated.

• 51:07Fortune Feimster?

  That I feel like women's sports is the only place that was really giving women an opportunity to be like commentators, or I'm happy to see how far it's come. I mean, to have grown up where I couldn't even play on the team because girls weren't allowed to play with boys. And then there was not even a women's team. It's like

• 51:31Mae Martin?

  That's crazy. Yeah.

• 51:32Tig Notaro?

  Well, it's because they care about women and girls. That's why they kept you separate.

• 51:37Mae Martin?

  They're protecting you. You might fall and hurt your knee.

• 51:39Tig Notaro?

  They care about women.

• 51:41Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 51:42Tig Notaro?

  And this is, this is where it's coming out, sports.

• 51:46Mae Martin?

  I mean, our amazing question askers, Tobin and Kristen, I would also say, do you know any single soccer players that you could introduce me to?

• 51:55Fortune Feimster?

  I bet they do. There's some cute soccer players.

• 51:59Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. Yeah, not to be that.

• 52:02Tig Notaro?

  I hope you're not into Abby Wambach, because Abby is taken.

• 52:06Mae Martin?

  Of course. No, I would never. I don't want to break anybody up.

• 52:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 52:10Mae Martin?

  You know?

• 52:10Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 52:11Mae Martin?

  I just had an image of me sitting in like my backyard and I'm drinking like a tea or something. Then my wife is just like, what do you call it? Dribbling?

• 52:20Fortune Feimster?

  The, wait, no.

• 52:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 52:22Fortune Feimster?

  Come may up with a soccer player. Listen to them.

• 52:25Mae Martin?

  What do you call it when you're not?

• 52:27Fortune Feimster?

  Kicking?

• 52:28Mae Martin?

  Dribbling is a basketball, but when you're just running circles around people with kicking the ball, little small kicks around.

• 52:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's called kicking.

• 52:35Mae Martin?

  Kicking. Yeah, sure. So my wife is-

• 52:37Fortune Feimster?

  They are so sporty.

• 52:38Mae Martin?

  Kicking the ball around me.

• 52:40Fortune Feimster?

  Kristen and Tobin are gonna be so impressed when you're sports.

• 52:43Tig Notaro?

  What is it? What is it called when you're kicking the ball around?

• 52:46Mae Martin?

  No, you know what I mean, right?

• 52:48Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's kicking.

• 52:49Mae Martin?

  No, but your feet are like, you know.

• 52:55Tig Notaro?

  Do you know any attractive women?

• 52:57Fortune Feimster?

  That's also dribbling a soccer ball.

• 52:58Tig Notaro?

  Make this.

• 53:03Tig Notaro?

  But mainly, we just want to make sure that the men that are out there fighting for women right now, just, you know, also don't forget to be as outraged by the other horrendous things going on.

• 53:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 53:20Tig Notaro?

  Against women.

• 53:22Fortune Feimster?

  I don't dig.

• 53:22Tig Notaro?

  If you're gonna get outraged and really protect women.

• 53:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Do something else. Kristen's answer.

• 53:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah. Let's hear Tobin and Kristen's answer. I mean, I feel like they like sports.

• 53:37Fortune Feimster?

  They do like sports. But let's find out for sure. Surprise.

• 53:41Speaker 05

  So my answer is that I love sports.

• 53:46Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 53:46Speaker 05

  Um, and I love playing sports. I love watching sports, you know, even what people would consider the boring ones like golf. Um, and I think some of my favorite sports were the ones we kind of got to make up in our backyard or in our minds and go play. One that I remember was, uh, my family, they weren't, um, I didn't come from a soccer family, but my dad could punt the ball really, really high. And I remember I had three other siblings and he would just literally punt the ball as high up into the air as possible. And we would all kind of like fight each other to the death to try to catch it.

• 54:24Speaker 05

  That was one of my favorite sports. Um, and I, I would say that I don't think sports media made the door wide enough.

• 54:36Speaker 05

  For us, which is part of our passion now and the type of media we're creating. Cause I just try to create content that little sports Tobin would want to to watch and would be proud of.

• 54:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, I love that. Um, I think this might be reading a touch obvious because if I had the same answers, that would be boring. I play sports. I don't consider myself a sports fan, which is a touch taboo in uh professional sports because I don't even like watching my own sport. Um, I think that at some point in my life, I just fell behind in the knowledge category. And then I really don't like when I'm not knowledgeable about something. So then I was just like, no, this is not for me. The caveat here is that I love live sports and I love live entertainment. Because I don't think you have to really know what's going on to be able to see greatness unfold in front of you.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  Um, so I do, we do go to any PL game, generally her favorite team Arsenal. Um, every year and what matters to me is really just being in the stadium with all the people with so much passion and um just having a comfortable seat. Maybe a blanket, maybe a nice warm beverage and a chic outfit and I'm good to go. Thank you for having us on, handsome.

• 56:02Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you. I love it. That's interesting that. That I mean. Yeah. But the live sport, I I agree. You can, like Jax is not into sports, but she'll have a good time if we go somewhere.

• 56:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, also like going to the Dodgers games. They got vegan dogs and you know, that's I'm there for the peanuts and sometimes I'll have a beer with the peanuts and. Dodger dog.

• 56:28Fortune Feimster?

  It's you.

• 56:29Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 56:31Fortune Feimster?

  Sporty spice over there.

• 56:32Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie and I have that moment where she's like, are you gonna get a beer? And I'm like, I don't know, I might. Like.

• 56:41Mae Martin?

  Terry, I don't know.

• 56:43Tig Notaro?

  I might do it, Terry. And sure enough, I ate a bag of peanuts, have a beer and a vegan Dodger dog. And I'm like, this was a blast.

• 56:53Mae Martin?

  That is living.

• 56:55Fortune Feimster?

  Well, maybe, maybe the handsome's can go see a game sometime.

• 56:59Mae Martin?

  I'd love that.

• 57:00Tig Notaro?

  Put it on the list, Thomas.

• 57:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 57:05Tig Notaro?

  I love that I'm the go to ticket.

• 57:08Mae Martin?

  I was thinking more Fortune. I feel like.

• 57:10Tig Notaro?

  Oh, Fortune. Let's put it all on Fortune.

• 57:12Fortune Feimster?

  Probably get some tickets to something. We should go to an Angel City game.

• 57:16Mae Martin?

  That's what I'd like.

• 57:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, put it on the list. Oh, my gosh. We all have a beer and some peanuts. Bring Mr. Thomas.

• 57:23Fortune Feimster?

  Let's do it.

• 57:24Tig Notaro?

  Great.

• 57:25Mae Martin?

  I mean, I kind of want to say this, but I kind of don't, but that one time sports ruined an orgy for me. And it was a.

• 57:33Fortune Feimster?

  How?

• 57:35Fortune Feimster?

  I was wondering what your hang up was.

• 57:38Mae Martin?

  There were like four of us and it was sort of the plan. And, and then we went to watch the finals of the European Cup. And we were in Greece at the time.

• 57:48Fortune Feimster?

  Were you in pubs? Great place for orgies.

• 57:52Tig Notaro?

  Were you in pubs?

• 57:53Mae Martin?

  Uh, we were in pubs and we went and it was like the streets were packed of, you know, with British tourists and Italian tourists. And it was England versus Italy. And it was just so exciting and, and, and England like, and then England lost in the penalty shootout at the end and the.

• 58:12Fortune Feimster?

  It ruined the mood.

• 58:14Mae Martin?

  We were so devastated and especially my, my one friend was like almost in tears and we just couldn't, it was just so bleak. I can't explain like the energy and the.

• 58:24Fortune Feimster?

  No one wanted a sad orgy.

• 58:26Mae Martin?

  Oh, I would have still, but everybody else.

• 58:29Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, pull it together.

• 58:31Tig Notaro?

  Does everyone hold each other at the end of an orgy?

• 58:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah, kind of, yeah.

• 58:35Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 58:37Tig Notaro?

  And Fortune's like, okay, I'll do it.

• 58:40Mae Martin?

  Can I get a hug?

• 58:41Tig Notaro?

  Just looking for a hug.

• 58:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Anyway, that was a great episode, guys.

• 58:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, wow, a podcast.

• 58:48Fortune Feimster?

  And somehow ended with.

• 58:49Mae Martin?

  With an orgy.

• 58:50Tig Notaro?

  Of course. How else will we get out of this conversation?

• 58:54Mae Martin?

  I don't want to add any fuel to the fire that, you know, the theory that my whole personality and is orgies. I've only had a handful.

• 59:03Tig Notaro?

  That's a lot.

• 59:04Mae Martin?

  You know what? That's one more than me.

• 59:05Tig Notaro?

  That's many more. That's a handful more.

• 59:10Tig Notaro?

  I'm gonna share some things I have coming up, if that's alright with everyone.

• 59:15Mae Martin?

  Please do.

• 59:15Tig Notaro?

  The wonderful film Come See Me in the Good Light, which is the documentary about Andrea Gibson and their partner Meg Faley. Well, first of all, it won Sundance this year.

• 59:29Mae Martin?

  Oh, my god.

• 59:30Tig Notaro?

  Not just in the documentary category, but out of even scripted films, won the festival. And it's going to be at the Boulder Film Festival, the weekend of March 15. I also wanted to mention that we, of course, will be with Handsome in Nashville on April 6.

• 59:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we will.

• 59:55Tig Notaro?

  Handsome in Austin on April 12 is sold out, but we are gonna livestream that, so get your tickets now and let's have a big party. I'm going to be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14, with some of my new material. And then I'm also going to be in P-Town, August 23. And West Hampton Beach, New York, August 17. And then working on new material at Largo Dynasty Typewriter. When I'm back in Toronto, I'll be at Comedy Bar.

• 1:00:37Tig Notaro?

  So that's what I'm up to. What about you two?

• 1:00:42Mae Martin?

  Not much. I'm at Largo end of March doing new material in LA. And also, my friend Carolyn Taylor has a documentary series called I Have Nothing. Speaking of sports, it's about her quest to choreograph an Olympic-level Paris figure skating routine, even though she's never skated or choreographed. And it's on Peacock now, and I'm in it. I'm kind of like the devil on her shoulder saying she's gonna fail, but it was truly an insane experience. And it, the resolution, like, this is a real documentary series, and it is the funniest, weirdest show. You gotta watch it on Peacock.

• 1:01:18Tig Notaro?

  I'm in.

• 1:01:19Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, the next few weeks Irvine, California and Huntsville, Alabama, the clubs out there, Ontario, California. Then my theater tour starts April 4th in Savannah, Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, tons of places.

• 1:01:41Tig Notaro?

  Nice. And if you like this podcast, make sure you subscribe it to it and like us and comment, review. Also subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can see how handsome we are.

• 1:01:58Mae Martin?

  So you can see the black widow spiders crawling through my window.

• 1:02:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And you can get, catch little glimpses of Biggie and you know, other, other important people in, oh.

• 1:02:11Mae Martin?

  Oh, oh my god.

• 1:02:13Tig Notaro?

  Biggie.

• 1:02:14Fortune Feimster?

  I woke him up.

• 1:02:15Tig Notaro?

  Oh, his eyes don't seem to care. Well, um.

• 1:02:21Fortune Feimster?

  Stop that.

• 1:02:22Mae Martin?

  I guess all that remains now.

• 1:02:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Another wonderful podcast. And until next time.

• 1:02:28Mae Martin?

  Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast.

• 1:02:51Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 1:02:54Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door, I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead and now everything's out of alignment.

• 1:03:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Checking first is handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host the mess around a new girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now here's the thing. Every single week we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged. That's not true.

• 1:03:48Fortune Feimster?

  We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo. We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.