Pod Insights Hamish & Andy 2025 Ep 311 - A Treat for the Platinum Poopers! About this episode Andy suspects someone out there has been a little too inspired by the show, so the boys launch an investigation in Segment Sleuth. Jack tries to upset Andy with his odd laundry routine, and the boys imagine what mandates they’d roll out if they ever ran for local office. Plus, Hamish unveils a fresh batch of GISS Tapes - exclusively for those who’ve hit Platinum Pooping status!
1. Segment Sleuth - crumpets
2. Upset Andy
3. If Andy were in politics
4. GISS presentation
Transcript 0:02 Speaker 00 A Listener Production.
0:07 Speaker 01 Activate your internet because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two.
0:17 Speaker 01 Sorry, it's still buffering. One.
0:23 Speaker 02 Ahoy to me sec.
0:25 Speaker 03 Hamish.
0:26 Speaker 02 Ooh, slang names for well-known positions around the office. Sec, secretary, janney, janitor.
0:35 Speaker 03 No, it's not a word of my janney, Jack. It's my ahoy to my brute.
0:39 Speaker 02 Ahoy.
0:41 Speaker 03 Brute sec. Oh, cups of wine, champagne.
0:44 Speaker 02 Donuts. Gee, he's lost touch with the common man. I wouldn't even know, Jack. Cask or homemade? The only two wines I know about.
0:53 Speaker 03 And I am doux, spelled D-O-U-X. Yes, the champagne spectrum of dryness levels.
1:03 Speaker 03 I actually didn't even know what.
1:04 Speaker 02 The driest.
1:05 Speaker 03 Um, the doux is the sweetest type of champagne. It's very, very sweet, highest amount of sugar as well. The sec being medium dry, off dry, and the brute very dry. Mmm. Ahoy also to Meg, who went to hamishandandy.com to let us know what she's been up to.
1:22 Speaker 04 Ahoy, boys. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with a little baby boy. When we were giving my mother-in-law some clues as to what we're going to name him, we said it's a six-letter name and it's the same name as a famous Australian comedian. She came back very confidently with the name Andrew.
1:41 Speaker 04 And we had to let her know that we're actually naming him Hamish. So commiserations, Andy, on the I-N, inferior name. And congratulations, fame, on the H-S-N. Keep it up, boys. Really love the show.
1:56 Speaker 03 Loss.
1:58 Speaker 02 Welcome to the dang little home. Can't wait to have you here.
2:02 Speaker 03 Um, guys, obviously song sleuth is part of the show. A lot of people send them in and where we kind of put a musician or a performing artist under the hot lamp to say, hey, has this been too heavily inspired?
2:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:18 Speaker 03 It also happens with segments when people may have been too heavily inspired by our show and have gone on to create a segment of their own.
2:26 Speaker 02 It's always an interesting question when you're dealing with IP, isn't it? Now, I don't know what you're about to do here, but I come back to the same thing with song sleuth. I go, look, there's only six strings on a guitar. There's only, let's say 10 spots you can hold the strings. So that's 60 possible.
2:44 Speaker 03 But yes, we get your point.
2:45 Speaker 02 At some point, the more we keep producing, we're gonna start repeating some patterns. So you go, was it obvious? Was it gonna be found anyway? I sometimes think the earlier artists get a free kick.
2:55 Speaker 03 Hmm.
2:55 Speaker 02 I've said it before, and I'm not having a go at Pythagoras, but I think very like triangle theorems.
3:01 Speaker 03 Yes.
3:01 Speaker 02 You know, triangles had just been invented.
3:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:03 Speaker 02 Like, we would have got there.
3:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:05 Speaker 02 We would have got there. Again, well done. It's a very well loved theorem. Just things like that. You get in early, you're gonna have more of a chance. But radio segments or podcast segments or creative segments are a tough one because there are some that would eventually be thought of, but then there are others that are quite odd.
3:23 Speaker 03 Well, let's see how you guys feel about this one. We jump into it.
3:26 Speaker 05 This sounds like this, sounds like this, sounds like this. If this sounds like that, I'm your man. Andy Lee, segment sleuth.
3:37 Speaker 03 Sent in by alert listener, Aaron, fell on my side of the fence, homiesandandy.com. If you want to chat to us about anything, he said, hey, lads, particularly Andy, you may want to have a look at this nine honey website online article.
3:52 Speaker 02 Oh, no. The call's coming from within the building. Andy, your show, The Hundred, is on channel nine.
3:57 Speaker 03 Yes. And so, I mean, and.
3:59 Speaker 02 So is Lego Master.
4:00 Speaker 03 So is Lego Master. So we do this. I think this shows that we are happy to push aside alliances.
4:07 Speaker 02 Yep.
4:07 Speaker 03 The big man can't pay us off.
4:09 Speaker 02 We will bite the hand that feeds us happily.
4:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:12 Speaker 02 If it's a funny bite.
4:14 Speaker 03 And for a truth that needs to be told.
4:16 Speaker 02 Yep.
4:17 Speaker 03 This is the article. Now, I've, I've used AI to do the article. Right? So they're reading it out verbatim.
4:25 Speaker 02 You don't want to just read it?
4:26 Speaker 03 This is the article.
4:27 Speaker 02 Okay.
4:28 Speaker 06 Whispers around town are that Queensland crumpets are different from the other states, with some claiming that they're thicker, fluffier and better. So we decided to test this theory with a crumpet battle of our own. A nine honey taste test.
4:45 Speaker 02 Just because your title has the word honey in it does not mean you own all crumpet related material.
4:53 Speaker 03 Now.
4:53 Speaker 02 Whispers around town. Just playing our podcast low doesn't count as a whisper.
5:01 Speaker 02 I heard a whisper.
5:03 Speaker 02 Hey, could you just whisper what's on this paper to me and then I'm going to do an article about it?
5:07 Speaker 03 So.
5:08 Speaker 02 All we want is credit because the thing is I wasn't coming out going, hey, I've just been, I've come up with this idea. This was written in, this was given to us by a listener. We've got the guts to call a listener whisper. We don't call them whisperers. We call them listeners.
5:20 Speaker 03 Well, as with every segment sleuth, you play a bit of the segment and then you have to try and compare to what we did. See if there are similar tones coming through. Let's have a listen.
5:30 Speaker 06 Whispers around town are that Queensland crumpets are different from the other states.
5:35 Speaker 02 People from Melbourne and Sydney have noticed that when you go to Queensland, the crumpets are fluffier. Wow. That's very similar. That does sound like a similar bass and treble.
5:44 Speaker 03 Mmm.
5:45 Speaker 06 With some claiming that they're thicker, fluffier and better.
5:49 Speaker 02 They're fluffy, they're thick, they're incredible.
5:53 Speaker 02 I mean. The lyrics really line up on this song.
5:55 Speaker 03 Don't they?
5:56 Speaker 06 So we decided to test this theory with a crumpet battle of our own. A nine honey taste test.
6:03 Speaker 02 I thought the only thing to do is we have a test. We do a blind tasting to see which one is the fluffiest. Great.
6:09 Speaker 03 I mean, if you rearrange the words of a sentence, this, and the sentence still makes sense. It's, it's not a new idea.
6:16 Speaker 02 No.
6:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:17 Speaker 02 Exactly. Um, another one.
6:19 Speaker 06 As soon as we held both packets in our hands, it was clear we were on to something.
6:25 Speaker 02 Hmm, were you? And I can already tell from the look. Really? We've got four warm crumpets in front of me. I even feel like number two seems fluffier. I mean, guys, that's the stuff I do. I do first impressions of crumpets. I'm the guy that notices the fluffiness of crumpets without tasting. I've always been that guy. You can't just come in and go, we're all so good at noticing the fluffiness of crumpets without tasting. Yeah, exactly. So it's cut and dry for me. Sorry, Channel 9. If this means the hundred can't continue, I'll stand by it. Yeah, Andy leaves turfed out after exposing huge racket, podcast repurposing racket. Yeah, look, I unfortunately think that is that. Guilty.
7:09 Speaker 02 That's, that's guilty. That was a whisper that has turned into the cries of foul, foul, foul on 9 Honey's part.
7:20 Speaker 02 Well, well, well, we try as we might, we can never get away from compiling the ultimate list of things in this chaotic world. And that's the way the world is, Jacko. It's chaotic and. Doesn't have to be. Disorder is only increasing. It is. One man standing with both hands against the exploding cupboard of mess that is planet Earth going, no, I demand order. That, that is Ando. Let's see if we can upset him.
7:52 Speaker 03 Everything is neat and practical, cause that's the way he likes it. But what if it wasn't? Upset Andy.
8:02 Speaker 02 Aim before we jump in. I got a personal one. A lot of people have been sending us. Oh, fruit bowls. Their fruit bowls. Yeah. Fruit bowl pile. Do you people think it has to be in the fruit bowl? No, maybe I wasn't clear when we did this on air. Quite often, if you have a, depending on the lip of the bowl, quite often the fruit bowl pile actually accumulate underneath the shade of the fruit pile. I'm camping under there. Yeah, these are bits and bobs that don't have a home, so I go in the fruit bowl. I went. Yes, yes. One roll of undeveloped film from a party two years ago, you must get around to developing things like that.
8:34 Speaker 07 It was interesting seeing the photos of some people who had fruit and the junk in the same bowl.
8:39 Speaker 02 In the same bowl. Yeah, my, I. Surprisingly neat. I feel like you'd appreciate my fruit bowl pile, Andy. The fruit is in the fruit bowl, but occasionally a magnet or something finds its way in there. But mostly our fruit bowl pile camps under the rim.
8:54 Speaker 03 Well, our mate, Eddie, who lives in the States, sent us a live update of his fruit bowl. And so I went across to mine and I saw Beck's sunglasses amongst the fruit. And I thought, how the hell did they get it?
9:07 Speaker 02 Gravitational pull.
9:08 Speaker 03 But other than that, it was a fruit only bowl.
9:11 Speaker 02 No, no, that's how it begins. That's a gateway item. If you were driving around with me at any time in the last couple of weeks, if so for on a road trip at the moment in my car, you would, it would be doing your head in for a number of reasons, but this would be the key one. Every morning I get in the car and there's an alarm that says coolant level low. And I go, yep, fine. Have to press a button to clear that. Then it goes higher pressure low. No worries. Still within acceptable range. It's only yellow. It's not red. Have to press that. It goes, update not completed last night. Yep, that's fine. There's never updates. I don't know why. That's just never has.
9:51 Speaker 02 I have to clear three error messages. And then it goes, emergency braking, not available at the moment. I go, no, that's fine. I just get in and I have a raft of error messages. But I look and I go, well, you keep telling me the coolant level's low, yet the little thermometer gauge is always bang in the middle. So you seem to be handling it.
10:13 Speaker 03 But you don't have to wait until it's dire situation.
10:15 Speaker 02 Well, it's obviously not a problem. So you obviously can handle. This is what I'm trying to tell the kids all the time. You're actually capable of more than you think. So you don't have to come to me and complain that your coolant level's low because I actually believe in you that you're a car that can maintain its temperature. We went on a hundred kilometer drive on the weekend and you never moved over the middle. So you're fine.
10:34 Speaker 03 There is a direct contrast to what's happening in my car at the moment because there is. I got one yesterday afternoon, an error message. Which was the SOS calls not connected. So my car is if, if you're in an accident, there's a button you can press that will call emergency services.
10:52 Speaker 07 Really? That's cool.
10:54 Speaker 03 And.
10:55 Speaker 07 Like an elevator.
10:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, I suppose. Um, the, the thing is it's, there's no button to clear or anything. So it sits there. So I have booked in to go into the service to get this one, even though it doesn't affect the driving of the car, but I just don't like having the SOS calls not.
11:13 Speaker 02 If I, if we swapped cars for a while, how long would it take you seeing my error messages before you did something about my car?
11:19 Speaker 03 Oh, within 24 hours. I wouldn't actually have it finished, but I would, I would definitely have booked something within 24.
11:25 Speaker 02 Maybe we have a little car swap.
11:29 Speaker 02 Little friendly car swap. Um, so many upset Andys coming in. Jack, did you say you had one?
11:34 Speaker 07 Oh, this is a quick one. Would this upset you? When I do the laundry, we take it in turns. When it's my turn, I dump it on the lantern couch, which is not odd, but instead of packing it away and folding it in the moment, I'll just like anytime I'm going past the living room, I'll take a few items off the top and go and put them in the drawer. And then next time I'm passing by, I'll get a few more items.
11:55 Speaker 03 Vic does this.
11:56 Speaker 02 But you're busy, Jack.
11:57 Speaker 07 Yeah. And it actually means you dedicate no time to it because you're picking it up as a task on your way to other things around the house.
12:04 Speaker 03 But what about folding it?
12:05 Speaker 07 Nah, well, you can fold it on the walk.
12:08 Speaker 02 Should you choose to do so?
12:09 Speaker 07 Which I don't choose, but you could if you choose to play.
12:14 Speaker 02 I choose not to fold. All right. Here we go. Ando, so many coming in. Ahoy to you, Emily.
12:19 Speaker 00 Ahoy and gusto to all.
12:21 Speaker 02 Gusto to you, Emily. Gusto back to you, Emily. What have you got to upset Andy?
12:25 Speaker 00 Another laundry related one, courtesy of my very wonderful fast and loose husband, who is a beautiful hands on dad to our small children. You know, little kids, when they're sick, vomit can kind of strike out of nowhere, always seems to be in the middle of the night. You just want to get everyone back to bed as quick as possible. So here's.
12:47 Speaker 02 Approach is to, you know, get rid of those vomit heaps, bundle them all up, no time to rinse off the chunks, straight in the washing machine. So the next day, whoever has the pleasure of hanging out that load of washing will find that the vomit chunks do remain. But now they're clean, they're clean. Absolutely. I mean, it is was, it was food once, once upon a time, we, we were celebrating those chunks. Welcome in the kitchen. We had them on the benchtop. They were carrot, they were peas.
13:19 Speaker 03 No, no.
13:19 Speaker 02 They were friends of the family. Now, what crime have they committed apart from being eaten for a while and then reproduced?
13:27 Speaker 03 Can you confirm to me that you will wash that again, though?
13:30 Speaker 02 Yes, I, the first time I was a bit flawed, wasn't sure what to do, ended up letting it dry so I could kind of shake it off and then put it through again.
13:38 Speaker 03 That's what Taylor Swift meant.
13:42 Speaker 02 It's about dealing with sick kids. Okay, well, I mean, no, no crime as far as I can see there for the husband. Hagen joins us all the way from the US. Ahoy to you, Hagen.
13:51 Speaker 04 Ahoy, fellas. How are y'all doing?
13:52 Speaker 03 Oh, great. Whereabouts in the USA, Hagen?
13:55 Speaker 04 So I'm in Florida, I'm in school in Florida, but I'm from Tennessee.
13:58 Speaker 03 Right, that's in kind of Mr. Mr. Ralph, Mr. Ralph territory, isn't it down there?
14:03 Speaker 02 It is, it is his home ground.
14:06 Speaker 04 I personally have never heard of the guy.
14:09 Speaker 03 Y'all good, nice, he's playing.
14:10 Speaker 02 I feel like you're acting and that's good because that's the deal. Uh, Hagen, what have you got? What have you got to upset, Andy?
14:16 Speaker 04 All right. So at my house, there happens to only be one handle on the bathroom door. So to enter the bathroom, you turn the handle and pull the door handle out and then you go in and you can pull it shut with the hole. Do your business, get everything over with. But then to get out, you have to reinsert it on the other side and you can get out that way.
14:37 Speaker 04 But if you forget to bring the door handle in, you're just, you're just there. Until someone else gets home.
14:43 Speaker 02 And what an exciting game to add to the process. That's brilliant.
14:49 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's pretty fun. And if someone's new to the house, sometimes you just, you don't tell them about the game.
14:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:54 Speaker 04 And they get to find out the fun way.
14:56 Speaker 02 Hey, it's fun. I, I think it's like, I don't know if you guys have this in America, but in, in parks, like in public parks, there are those taps that don't have a turner on it. You have to be from the council with the special key.
15:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:09 Speaker 02 To put it in and turn the tap on. It's just like having one of the special, special park keys.
15:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, just like that.
15:14 Speaker 03 It doesn't upset me because I like the thrill of it, but I also like the efficiency. So if you're having a party or people around, people know it's occupied. There is zero chance of you getting walked in on, which would provide a lot of people with some comfort.
15:28 Speaker 02 A pro move if you worked at a hardware store. Yeah. If you worked in a place where you had access to handles or knobs would be to bring your own. And to really shock someone when they're in the bathroom to put it in the outside, turn the handle and come in and go, just so you know, mate. I, I bought my own knob. Still great fun. Thanks, Hagan.
15:47 Speaker 03 Jason, you got something for upset me?
15:49 Speaker 07 Uh, ahoi, Hamish, Andy, number six. Uh, about six, well over six months ago, but got myself a brand new pair of shoes.
15:57 Speaker 03 Lovely.
15:57 Speaker 07 Factory, factory outlet, of course, because in touch.
15:59 Speaker 02 Yep.
16:01 Speaker 02 No, no crimes will be brought to you for losing touch for wanting to have something between your bare feet and the asphalt.
16:08 Speaker 07 Anyway, got up home, bought them for the first time and found something interesting about them. One, my left shoe was laced up going inside out through the holes and the right shoe was laced up going outside in through the holes. Had every intention of getting that fixed one day, but decided, you know what?
16:26 Speaker 03 No.
16:26 Speaker 07 Can't be bought. No time for that. Just run with it.
16:29 Speaker 03 Jason, I hate this one.
16:30 Speaker 02 You would unlace.
16:31 Speaker 03 You would fully unlace a whole shoe.
16:34 Speaker 02 I would unlace a whole shoe, absolutely. Yeah.
16:38 Speaker 07 It works the same way. It ties up, stays on.
16:41 Speaker 03 Little holes.
16:41 Speaker 02 And I prefer outside doing.
16:46 Speaker 02 What would happen? All right. What if you had uneven lace shoes? Beck saw them, oh, Andy's not gonna like that. Um, you know, better do the right thing. And she relaced them, but had both of them now matching, but your unpreferred way.
16:57 Speaker 03 I'd be fine with that. I can deal with that. That's not gonna trigger me across. But yeah, I mean, those, anything, like I lost the drawstring in my running shorts the other day.
17:07 Speaker 02 Yep.
17:07 Speaker 03 I spent ages trying to get that back. I know a lot of people just go, well, it's gone forever. You know how it's.
17:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, I know it gets sucked in.
17:13 Speaker 03 But nah, I can't, I can't, I'd sooner.
17:15 Speaker 02 How do you get it back out?
17:17 Speaker 03 It's, it's a, it's a long process of just trying to work it back up.
17:20 Speaker 02 You massage it back out.
17:22 Speaker 03 Sometimes you use paperclip. Anyway.
17:25 Speaker 02 I was gonna say, could you, I would, my first instinct goes to get a coat hanger, undo that, send it through, push it through.
17:31 Speaker 03 Push it through all the whole way?
17:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:33 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. Reverse.
17:34 Speaker 02 Get a bit of pressure from that.
17:35 Speaker 03 This one had, I don't know why.
17:38 Speaker 02 Quickly turned into an AM radio life hacks show.
17:41 Speaker 03 This one had a, at the back of it.
17:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:45 Speaker 03 A sewn bit that secured the lace.
17:48 Speaker 02 Allegedly.
17:49 Speaker 03 So you couldn't go all the way around. You couldn't do a lap of the, of the.
17:52 Speaker 02 King in the tunnel.
17:53 Speaker 03 Yep.
17:53 Speaker 02 Okay.
17:54 Speaker 03 Uh, sorry, Mickey.
17:56 Speaker 02 Mickey, how are you? Do you have something to upset Andy?
17:59 Speaker 07 Oh, gents, I certainly do. I think I might have a good one as well. So, um, so every morning for a while now, I've, I've had yogurt and granola for breakfast. Now, previously I used to buy individual tubs. I think that might be 75 mill or something like that. Um, but with the current cost of living crisis, I have now opted to buy the larger tubs. I think there might be a liter or.
18:24 Speaker 02 Yep.
18:24 Speaker 07 Something along those lines. Now, what I do is I whack the lid off, I throw in my granola, uh, and then I'll just eat down until I'm satisfied. Uh, chuck the lid back on, chuck it back in the fridge and then repeat for the next day.
18:38 Speaker 02 Will you?
18:38 Speaker 03 Absolutely no problem with that. Will you? There's one thing that would trigger me more. I mean, I don't love it, but there's one thing that would worry me. Do you eat out all the granola to get to just clean yogurt again?
18:51 Speaker 07 Yep. Yeah. Was it a fresh layer of yogurt? That's it. I'm.
18:54 Speaker 05 Done, next day.
18:56 Speaker 02 No one would know what you're up to. Nobody's gonna know. And not only it's economical, it's cost saving, it saves a bowl. It saves so much. Do you live with anyone else, Mickey?
19:08 Speaker 05 Yeah, uh, my wife and my daughter, um, they're, they're unbeknownst to my, uh, to my doing.
19:14 Speaker 03 Okay, okay, there's, I have a problem with that part of it, but otherwise.
19:18 Speaker 02 It's so fine.
19:19 Speaker 03 Family germs, as they say.
19:21 Speaker 02 Family germs. And even, and I, I've, I mean, I know people that will do a similar thing and I'll have her all like, I just, they'll just do one big dig in the yogurt with almost a salad spoon. And I've done this before.
19:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, sounds like you're talking about it.
19:35 Speaker 02 And, and the argument there is to go, well, no germs were transferred. And now I eat the tennis ball sized yogurt lump off the salad spoon. Zoe did catch me eating yogurt with a salad server. It's just like, what are you doing? I said, to be honest, the base of this spoon looks like all the others. You know, we've got a silver one or like a stainless steel one, looks like all the others. It's not till you pull it out, do you realise it's a giant spoon? And I was eating with that, I was eating yogurt with that. And she's like, what are you eating with that giant spoon? I said, the base looks like the others. By the time I got it out, I don't have time.
20:12 Speaker 02 I don't have time to go back and find the appropriate spoon. I know I can make this work. Forward momentum only.
20:20 Speaker 03 Oscar, wrap this up for us. Ahoy to you, mate.
20:23 Speaker 01 Ahoy, gentlemen. S P I P and number six. My brother has purchased a new TV about eighteen months ago.
20:31 Speaker 02 What size?
20:31 Speaker 01 He has refused to turn a nice one, big one, Samsung, must be nice.
20:35 Speaker 02 Dad would hate it.
20:36 Speaker 01 Yeah. Um, but, uh, he refuses to turn the audience setting off. And, um, I know you've got the tallest carrier, but he has got the loudest Australian shepherd and two under two. So when the full ensemble gets going and the TV. Starts watching the audience. You can imagine it's pretty chaotic.
20:52 Speaker 03 What is
20:52 Speaker 02 Is there a setting on the TV where i- if it's loud?
20:56 Speaker 03 It gets louder.
20:57 Speaker 02 Then the TV gets louder.
20:58 Speaker 01 It gets louder. Yeah.
21:00 Speaker 03 Oh, wow. It must be nice.
21:02 Speaker 02 That on our TV, but I don't know about it because we're always writing the volume on our TV. Maybe it's responded. I might have learnt something here. So he just has that on. And when the do- so is it, you say when the dog barks, then the TV like explodes.
21:17 Speaker 01 The dog barks, the baby cries, you know.
21:19 Speaker 03 TV goes, gets, goes above that.
21:22 Speaker 02 That's what you need when you're a family with a baby and a dog barking is the TV to go, oh, they're gonna have to help this situation. I'll get louder too. Just add maximum anxiety to the house.
21:32 Speaker 03 I'd be adjusting that as well, Oscar. Thanks, mate.
21:34 Speaker 02 That's good, Oscar. Thank you, mate.
21:44 Speaker 03 Have either of you ever thought about being the Prime Minister?
21:49 Speaker 02 God, no.
21:49 Speaker 07 No, no way. But that means you've thought about it. Like, have you thought about?
21:53 Speaker 02 No, you just saying it now is shocks. It's like saying, have you ever thought about asking a doctor to transplant an elephant's trunk onto your face?
22:02 Speaker 07 And it's just so wildly like.
22:04 Speaker 02 Wouldn't cross my mind.
22:06 Speaker 03 If you had to run for something. Cause I, I, I, I've thought, I'm the same as you. I'm like, Prime Minister, too hard, too much work, too much responsibility, too much critical feedback.
22:19 Speaker 07 Exactly.
22:20 Speaker 02 God, everyone's just snip, snip, sniffing at you.
22:21 Speaker 03 Yeah. And all your decisions are so big and high and there's a long chain to filter them down that you don't end up even getting the credit for them. Yeah.
22:28 Speaker 02 And at the end of the day, some people like it, some people won't.
22:32 Speaker 07 That's right. You do one good thing and everyone's like, oh yeah, but you haven't done, you haven't fixed my road yet. Yeah.
22:37 Speaker 02 I think it's getting harder and harder in society. Why would you stick your head up like that?
22:40 Speaker 03 I think I'd prefer to be a local councillor.
22:44 Speaker 02 Cause I reckon you could get praise. I think if I had to choose one of the two. Yeah. Yeah, I think like being a local councillor. Well, I suppose the smaller the scope becomes, the more likely it is you can have an impact.
22:58 Speaker 03 Yes, you can do something simple like change the fortnightly recycle to once a week and people will be like, oh, and you vote him in again.
23:04 Speaker 02 Well, I've got two. I've got two things that I want to bring in. Cause I'm thinking like you can change your own house. Like that's, you could be, you could be the head of your house. Yeah. That's about where I could come in. Yeah, no, I'm, I'm, I'm little boss. So big boss, but she's out. I'm allowed. I'm big boss. Yep. Um, so I know what it's like to be acting, the acting president of the house.
23:26 Speaker 03 Well, let's consider this is our first council meeting if.
23:29 Speaker 02 And you would actually be a great, I, there's no, I'm not ruling out Andy Lee for mayor or council member at all in your career.
23:37 Speaker 03 A lord mayor, you would sue the lord mayor.
23:39 Speaker 02 I thought, I thought you would definitely. Yeah, no, that was ceremonial. That's.
23:43 Speaker 03 That's.
23:43 Speaker 02 I think.
23:44 Speaker 03 You have to like, you know, like they go, oh, it's the 70th anniversary of, of dancing ladies.
23:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:50 Speaker 03 And you go, oh, I'll go there and you watch them dance around.
23:53 Speaker 02 And you have to pretend to like it. It is a full-time job. Like lord mayor is a full-time job. I don't think that's what you're after. I think you, and this, you know, correct me if I'm wrong here, but knowing you as I have for a very long time, would it be false of me to say at one stage it crossed your mind to be like, oh, it'd be fun to be president of a football club? And then you realise how much work was involved. You're like, I go, no, no. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was more of a turn up on game day and everyone loves you. You pop your head in and go, how are we all going? Everything good? Yeah. And everyone thumbs up to you and you go, yeah, good. So you liked that when it was more of a, just a check in, take all the credit roll? Yes. But I don't think you realised, no, my God, it's a full-time job. No, no, exactly. That's out. So I think you like councillor because of the part-time aspect. Yeah.
24:36 Speaker 02 How much, how many days per fortnight would you be willing to commit to the council? Two. I think it's more. I do think when you're a councillor, there's more.
24:44 Speaker 03 Not with how quickly we work.
24:47 Speaker 02 But I think that could be your platform. Listen, I'm going to give you two hot days of fortnight.
24:52 Speaker 03 Exactly.
24:52 Speaker 02 And I won't charge for the rest. I think that would be appealing to be.
24:56 Speaker 03 That would be good because the council's a black hole. You submit anything, you're like, oh, we'll never know when we hear back. But if you knew, and he's like, I'll give you an answer every second Tuesday.
25:04 Speaker 02 And honestly, I would, I would front up to the campaigns and be like, listen, he will, he will.
25:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, you won't like your answer.
25:11 Speaker 02 He's going to be quick and blunt, but you'll have your answer.
25:16 Speaker 03 Here's my two mandates. If we're at a council meeting now and you guys can workshop them with me, because I think they're.
25:21 Speaker 02 So fortunate that it's one of you one days a week.
25:24 Speaker 03 First one, in public parks, especially multi-level parks, should be mandated.
25:31 Speaker 02 Oh, car parks.
25:31 Speaker 03 Car parks, yeah.
25:33 Speaker 02 What suburbs are you in? A three-storey footy field.
25:38 Speaker 03 No multi-level car parks.
25:40 Speaker 02 Yep, yep.
25:41 Speaker 03 It should be mandated that small cars have to park leaving space at the front of the park, showing that their bum is.
25:50 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. At the back. Oh, you can't hide your car.
25:52 Speaker 03 You can't hide. That's the worst. Yeah, because that's so annoying for when.
25:56 Speaker 02 That's my head in.
25:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, not in my council.
25:59 Speaker 02 So you get a parking fine for going too deep in a Nissan Micra.
26:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
26:06 Speaker 02 So, yeah. No deep Micras.
26:09 Speaker 03 Prejudice against small cars. Smart cars would hate me, but again, you can still use the park.
26:14 Speaker 02 If they just play by the rules.
26:15 Speaker 03 Yeah. Use the park. Just make sure your bum's hanging out. Not hanging out, but just.
26:19 Speaker 02 But on the line with everybody else.
26:20 Speaker 03 Let us see it.
26:21 Speaker 02 Let us see it.
26:22 Speaker 03 Let us see it. Second one, parking officers aren't allowed to find, to find you if there's a spare spot in front of you and behind you. Oh, so what you're going for, it's not a busy day.
26:38 Speaker 02 Moved. You could have moved.
26:39 Speaker 03 Yeah. Because the thing is, I mean.
26:41 Speaker 02 I thought you were going to say parking officers aren't allowed to find you in the same spot on consecutive days. Because it's kind of poor sportsmanship. This happened to me.
26:49 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, I've already got a fine there.
26:50 Speaker 02 This happened to me the other day. I've had this shoulder issue and I've had to then go into the physio. And of course, you know me, I play the game. I know and often, well, I don't pay for parking because I play the game. And.
27:01 Speaker 03 As do I.
27:02 Speaker 02 And the thing about playing the game is you obviously you get free parking and that's mine, but you must also admit you're playing the game and you must die by the sword as well.
27:11 Speaker 03 Sometimes you get very expensive parking.
27:13 Speaker 02 I got given, I get hit and it's about one ten. God, well, it's been a while. Haven't been caught for a while. The next day I had to come back to the physio. And got again in the same spot. I went, okay, that is, feels like it's cheating from you guys. That's just poor form. That's just not sportsmanship.
27:31 Speaker 03 Does it make you, because I've had that before where I've been done twice in a week and it's made me not want to play the game as much. Are you still?
27:38 Speaker 02 No, no, it won't bend. It makes me, it makes me want to park illegally even more.
27:44 Speaker 03 Because now you've got to earn your money back. If I was a parking victor, I would just follow you.
27:49 Speaker 02 Tail me. I know, I'm a whale. I'm a whale. I'm basically, I'm like when they flew like billionaires in from Singapore to gamble. Yep.
27:55 Speaker 03 Well, my point is if there's a park, so they say councils say there is paid parking to increase flow of parking. So everybody can go and get the spot.
28:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
28:07 Speaker 03 If it is about increasing flow, if you've got a spare park in front and behind you, you shouldn't be able to get a fine.
28:15 Speaker 02 Yep.
28:15 Speaker 03 Plenty of space.
28:15 Speaker 02 And you know, you know what it'd be nice to because I, what I think I'd, and again, I'm not running, but what I, one of my things I'd bring to the council is to go, we do all this infringing, so much infringing, like everything's a fine, everything's a notice, everything's an inspection. We're trying to whip everyone with the stick to bring them back in line. Let's have some carrots out there.
28:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:36 Speaker 02 Throw some carrots. What is wrong? And I'm, this is actually a genuine question. What is wrong with giving your parking officers a, a different machine that prints out nice notes and goes?
28:47 Speaker 03 I thought you meant five parks or something.
28:49 Speaker 02 Like you get a voucher. Hey mate, you did overstay, but there's not many other places around. And after all, we, the fines are for, you know, increasing traffic flow. So it's not a big deal and enjoy your day.
29:00 Speaker 03 Could have got you, but we didn't, you know?
29:02 Speaker 02 Wouldn't that put a spring in people's step?
29:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's part of why.
29:05 Speaker 02 I think it would.
29:10 Speaker 02 And a, an email came to my side of the fence that told a very, very special tale. Um, it was an email from a young woman called Shannon. And she and a friend of hers, Alicia, are big fans of the show and they've been listening for a very long time. And Alicia made Shannon an incredible birthday present. So back in the days when we first started talking about, or I first brought up the concept of a gone in 60 seconds. Which is a, yeah, situation where you're at a cafe, you say to your friends, I'm just going for a wee. Everyone wait here. And you go off and you're able to do your.
29:52 Speaker 03 Everyone wait.
29:52 Speaker 02 Everyone wait. Don't follow me, you sickos. Just stay here and enjoy that non toilet part of the cafe. Good. And it's that thing where you're like, you don't want everyone going, you know, if you're there for five minutes, everyone goes, well, he's doing a big poo. So you go, okay, just off for a wee, go to the toilet, gotta move quick. And it's not a comfortable thing. It's not, there's zero comfort involved in going in 60 seconds. Get through the door, you know, pants, boom, business, boom, wiping. We all know the steps, but you've really got to choreograph, you've got to choreograph them as fast as you can.
30:24 Speaker 03 Yes.
30:25 Speaker 02 And get out, wash, bang, back to the table, 60 seconds, under 60 seconds to go, sorry about that, wee, where were we?
30:31 Speaker 03 Yep.
30:31 Speaker 02 Everyone just, no one's any the wiser because they know you could not have done a poo in that time. Now Shannon and Alicia were into it, you know, like we're gonna.
30:40 Speaker 03 A lot of people are.
30:42 Speaker 02 A lot of people are and a lot of people practice them and I love that.
30:44 Speaker 03 Yep.
30:44 Speaker 02 And I, if you remember way back in the day, sent a couple of times, we had some instructional tapes on how to do them. And they were a big hit. People enjoyed listening to the instructions and, you know, getting in the mindset, conquering the physical and mental challenges that a, a guess a gone in 60 seconds presents you.
31:01 Speaker 03 Have you ever covered, sorry, I know you're getting sorry, have you ever covered if there is a wait for the toilet, like how that's factored in?
31:09 Speaker 02 I would say in that
31:11 Speaker 03 You're allowed to come back and go, sorry, there was a queue.
31:14 Speaker 02 You cover's blown almost in that case. If you get there and there's a way, I go back to the table and I go, sorry. Everything, the toilets have been cleaned.
31:22 Speaker 03 Yep.
31:25 Speaker 02 Depends if you're a man or a woman. If you are a boy and you go, yeah, there was no spots at the urinal. Everyone goes, why did you just wait?
31:34 Speaker 03 But if it's a single toilet or a unisex toilet, yeah.
31:39 Speaker 02 Pretty weird for a bloke to come back and go, there's just absolutely no room at the urinals. And I couldn't imagine a situation.
31:47 Speaker 03 With just like a singular unisex toilet.
31:49 Speaker 07 Usually just one toilet, yeah.
31:51 Speaker 02 Yep. Anyway, so, but again, yeah, good one. You have to adapt on the, on the fly. Anyway. So Shannon's birthday comes around. Alicia presents her with an incredible present. Alicia has tracked and logged and made a spreadsheet of all her bowel movements.
32:08 Speaker 03 What?
32:08 Speaker 02 Times, times, dates, notes, categories like urge to go. And I believe it's out of five. So a rating out of five, need, need to go. Um, the door, door open to flush time, the return time, the, the time of the day. So the total from table to back to the table time.
32:29 Speaker 03 And then she's trying to guess with every bowel movement.
32:32 Speaker 02 That's the only way you get better, Jack. Only way you get better. It's not a game.
32:36 Speaker 03 Are there any trends?
32:37 Speaker 02 She gets faster and she puts in some amazing performances, some amazing performances. Anyway, look, Shannon sent this to us to go, I just think you guys need to know about what's going on out there, what Alicia's done.
32:52 Speaker 03 But does Alicia want us?
32:53 Speaker 02 Oh, really? We've got Alicia online because it's Alicia's birthday coming up. Alicia, ahoy and maximum gusto to you.
33:02 Speaker 07 Ahoy, guys.
33:04 Speaker 03 Is this a present? Like, you know, you've just shared something with your friend. Are you, were you unaware that this is what Hamish was doing right now?
33:14 Speaker 07 I, look, when, when Carly messaged me asking if I could get on the phone with you guys.
33:20 Speaker 02 Yep.
33:21 Speaker 07 I thought this could be the case because Shannon messaged me not long ago and asked for the spreadsheet. Um, what, what she doesn't seem to have mentioned is I actually did a PowerPoint of this for her.
33:33 Speaker 02 Her birthday and made a couple of our friends sit down and go through all the graphs. Wow. The data's fascinating. And yeah, I've only got the spreadsheet itself here, which is all the days, like months and months and months of data. Like, did you have coffee? Did you have food? Coffee obviously correlates with a good time. Would I be right in saying that? That just seems to be like from looking at the raw data. Is that what the graphs had? Yeah, look, coffee definitely helped. Um, we also put in after grog bobs as well. So they are, they impacted the time a little bit. In a negative sense? In, in a negative sense, a little bit longer. Need to go seems to be one to five. Is five the highest urge to go?
34:16 Speaker 02 Five, yeah, five is, I'm about to pee my pants. Which fascinated me because one of your five times was a two eleven, um, table to table with a one twenty four toilet to flush on, which is some of your longer times.
34:32 Speaker 03 Really?
34:33 Speaker 02 Yeah. What's going on there? That's the fascinating thing about this. You had had coffee. It was not an after grog bog.
34:42 Speaker 02 Were you surprised by any of the data that came out? From memory, um, I hadn't gone number two in a while and had literally gone for a walk in the morning with my housemate, got home and she jumped straight in the shower. And she takes the world's longest showers. So I was pretty much just sitting at my desk like hot sweat.
35:07 Speaker 03 Oh, hang on. So the toilet's in the shower area, the same bathroom?
35:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same bathroom, waiting for her to get out. And I think just the stress of it, you know, really impacted my time. This is why you've got to keep it true. You, you missed your window. Andy and I talk about it all the time. Um, this could be just while we're all being really honest, we talk about it all the time. If you get an urge to go, that's your window. Yeah. If you miss that urge.
35:31 Speaker 03 It can subside.
35:32 Speaker 02 It can, it subsides and your body reabsorbs and that can be ours before you get the urge again. We've all had that feeling where it's like, you know, it's lunchtime or whatever. And you go, but I, but I had the urge. I had the urge hours ago. So let's just get back to there, but you can't, you can't recapture the urge. From looking at my graph too, I'm pretty sure in the whole time I was recording.
35:54 Speaker 05 These stats. So it was only four that were not a gone in sixty seconds.
35:59 Speaker 02 That is just.
36:02 Speaker 02 You and that's really what I wanted. Yeah. It's what I wanted to talk to you about, Alicia, because as someone that's sort of, I guess this the one of the arbitrators of the movement, the gone in sixty seconds. I looked at this and I thought the game has changed so much since. Yeah. Started this now, um, Shannon, obviously appreciated what you did for her as a present. And I, and she asked us, can we do something special for you for your birthday, which is coming up in a couple of weeks? And so I've been thinking about this for a little while and it seems like the perfect time to do this.
36:38 Speaker 02 I have recorded a new series of the gone in sixty seconds instructional tapes for someone like you who is clearly elite. And he's not mucking around and is not doing this for fun. They are doing this to get better. They are doing this to be the very best. Mm hmm. That's why if everyone else has listened to the first couple of sets of tapes and they feel like they're getting better and better and better. And they wonder, where can I go from here? Especially for you, Alicia, we have got a brand new series of gone in sixty seconds tapes coming out.
37:19 Speaker 02 Hello and congratulations on attaining platinum pooping status as you ready yourself to attempt a G I T S. A gone in thirty seconds and then a G I T S gone in twenty seconds. Or for the select one percent of the one percent, a G I T S gone in ten seconds. Beware, the techniques required for this elite level require training and skipping this training can result in premature poop in your pants. Or the feared complete rectal arspllosion across the next seventy five training exercises, we will deeply.
37:55 Speaker 02 Module eighteen, truly fearsome power. To expel your business in sub thirty, twenty, or god willing, ten seconds, you are now entering the realm of far more than responding to a normal, simple bowel contraction. You will need to build up a truly fearsome level of power through fecal pressure, an attempt to control it in a very small cubicle in a very small time window. Big wave surfer Laird Hamilton once said, "If you don't have respect for a wave, it's only a matter of time before the ocean teaches you to get some." Same holds true for the ride you'll experience in a GITS. Laird is also unofficially quoted as saying, "I've never felt anything like trying to poop sub fifteen. It was like sitting on a rocket launcher whilst trying to do a thousand-piece puzzle.
38:39 Speaker 02 My wife said she heard me screaming, but honestly, all I heard was a pan flute."
38:46 Speaker 02 Module forty-four, no-sit pooping. Trajectory, power, distance control, accuracy. These are things you never have to consider with the luxury of sitting down to poop. But with a gong in twenty seconds, you simply have no time to sit and will have to launch your brown bomb from a semi-squat position, or for a gong in ten seconds, completely standing, with a powerful flexion of the pelvic floor resulting in the launching of a poo's missile that arcs gracefully towards the bowl, and by the time it lands, you've wiped and are buckling up. Eating a lot of olive oil in the morning of the attempt will help lubricate your insides for the smooth transition you'll need, whilst also packing your diet with fibre will give the projectile the shape required to sail through the air.
39:35 Speaker 02 Module seventy-six, bonus module. Before we conclude, it's worth mentioning the G I O S, the gong in one second. While scientists believe it's still purely theoretical, there are rumours of an ancient sect of Shaolin monks who were reputed to have pursued and successfully achieved a G I O S. Bruce Lee was said to have been able to punch so fast, a film camera was unable to capture him, his punch being between the 1/24th of a second frame time. It's this kind of speed that gone in one second monks practised executing, and ancient scrolls show their method of fly kicking the toilet door open, spinning, de-pansing, upright pooping from outside the room with fearsome accuracy, and re-pansing, all in
40:18 Speaker 02 the time it took for the door to bang open and bang closed. Gone in one second.
40:26 Speaker 02 Who knows if we'll see a modern G I O S in our lifetime, but for now, aiming for the sub 30, 20 and 10 mark should provide you with enough power pooping to keep you striving to be better and give you a deep purpose in life, so you can obtain the ultimate compliment from your friends when returning to your table. Wow, that seems short, even for a wee, and there's no way a turd happened in that time. Enjoy that feeling, power pooper, you've earned it.
40:53 Speaker 02 Wow.
40:54 Speaker 03 Wow. Incredible. Alicia, that you've inspired that.
40:58 Speaker 02 That is what you can aim for, Alicia.
41:02 Speaker 03 Don't think you need to. I mean, my point is, the purpose of it was already achieved with just people thinking you're having a wee, no one needs you to rush back.
41:11 Speaker 02 Well, now, Andy, now you'll be able to poop and perfectly close the circle. Imagine, so guys, we've got to do a wee, sitting back down and going, ah, they were closed for cleaning, but you did, but you did, because you did a gone in 20 seconds. They're closed for cleaning now because of what you did in there.
41:31 Speaker 03 Jack has a problem with this content. I was looking across at Jack.
41:34 Speaker 07 I just thought at some points it was very descriptive.
41:36 Speaker 02 They're instructional tapes, Jack, cassettes are an audio medium, you can't leave anything to chance. Did it paint a clear picture, though, that, do you know what I mean with the shell in that?
41:47 Speaker 07 I got the door kicking open very, very visual.
41:49 Speaker 02 And how they would have had to go while the leg was still up, as they were like returning.
41:54 Speaker 03 Happy birthday, Alicia, thanks so much. Thanks, guys. Cheers.
42:02 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.
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