Pod Insights Hamish & Andy 2025 Ep 290 - The Conclave’s Decision About this episode The sacred halls of the Special Skills Conclave open for the very first time to welcome Cardinal Jack and the Chosen Few. Each presents their case in a desperate bid to be named the Chosen One – the bearer of the skill destined to save Special Skills from extinction. Tensions rise, but one skill stands above the rest (according to Jack), and at last, the Chosen One is revealed. Hamish also reflects on the second most important selection of the week: the Federal Election.
1. Special Skills conclave
2. We meet the chosen one
3. Election graffiti
Transcript 7,247 words · 10 speakers
0:02 Speaker 00 A Listener Production.
0:07 Speaker 01 Activate your internet because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two.
0:17 Speaker 01 Sorry, it's still buffering. One.
0:23 Speaker 02 Ahoy to me lotse, Hamish.
0:26 Speaker 03 Ah, yes, where things you put before the word bargain. Lotse, heapsay and plenty.
0:32 Speaker 02 Plenty of bargain.
0:34 Speaker 03 As you do your own ad, if you have a barbecue or a furniture warehouse.
0:40 Speaker 02 True, but no, not today. I'm going to trial, hopefully I pronounce this right, ahoy to my Kanjenganga. Kanjenganga doesn't really go with bargains.
0:51 Speaker 03 Yeah, I can tell the way Andy fell away from it at the end and sort of verbally hid in the bushes. He wasn't confident.
0:59 Speaker 02 I was pretty happy. Kanjenganga.
1:02 Speaker 03 Even the way you were saying it and smiling at it with high eyebrows, begging facially for us to go, yep, you nailed it. You're still not confident.
1:11 Speaker 02 There's a little bit of that.
1:13 Speaker 03 All right, no.
1:14 Speaker 02 I think this will give it away. I am K2.
1:18 Speaker 03 Oh, mountains in the Himalayas. Second, third and fourth.
1:23 Speaker 02 He's right, Hamish has got it. We are the three highest mountains after Everest. Very good. Lotse, aim in Nepal, Kanjenganga, whatever. Anyway, where was that though? Just out of interest.
1:37 Speaker 03 Lotse height. Oh, they'd all be kind of Nepal, Pakistan maybe one?
1:41 Speaker 02 Yep, Nepal and India and then Pakistan and China as well. K2 obviously the second one, 8,611 metres. They're all in.
1:49 Speaker 03 Absolute whopper.
1:49 Speaker 02 All about eight and a half. Is K2 named because it's the second highest, like number two represents the second?
1:54 Speaker 03 Ever if it's K1. We just never call it K1. Don't know, Jack. Good question.
1:59 Speaker 02 Ahoy also to Dara, who used the very easy to use system, hamishandandy.com to upload what he's been doing. You can go there anytime.
2:09 Speaker 04 Ahoy to Hamish, Andy and Vin Weasel himself, numero six. Dara here, I am an Irishman living in Melbourne and I thought I would just record this special moment because I've just ran into Coles and got my grubby mittens on a box of Ando's newest Pyramid Scheme, Dimmies and Timmies, which I'm very, very excited about. I got the spicy pork and the box is kind of giving old school American cereal box vibes, which is cool. And we're down the streets, I've heard that Ando himself has actually been leaving special prizes in select boxes. So, look, let's have a look anyway.
2:46 Speaker 04 Nothing in here, just tasty dimmies. Oh, hold on.
2:52 Speaker 04 There's a little box with a note here. "Congratulations, you have won a limited edition spicy pork flavoured vape, signed by me, Andy Lee. I've already had a gasp on one of my several smokos and I think it's great. Enjoy, from Andy." Huh.
3:08 Speaker 03 No.
3:09 Speaker 04 Cheers, Ando. No. Oh, a modern day Wonka.
3:14 Speaker 04 Don't just steam the dimmies, vape them. Steam them, flavour steam them.
3:19 Speaker 03 Not true, not recommended.
3:21 Speaker 04 I was actually thinking of you, thinking of you the other day, Ando. I got to, I got to somewhere and I was meeting a mate and I hadn't put any, I was like, oh, you know, dropped the kids off and I was just meeting him straight away and I quickly put deodorant on in the car and got out. And like a big waft of the deodorant came out and then my mate's like, "Are you vaping?" And I said, "No, it was deodorant, it was a can of deodorant." And he goes, "Oh, it looked like vape." And I thought, "That's a cool trick for Andy to use if you are vaping."
3:45 Speaker 03 No, I'm not vaping, I'm just saying it's deodorant. Oh, no, it was deodorant, deodorant, deodorant, deodorant. I was hotboxing Rex owner.
3:53 Speaker 02 We've got to move on quickly.
3:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, we do.
3:56 Speaker 02 For my sake, but also, this is such an important day. I mean, it's quite crazy that the conclave is happening in the Vatican City at the same time as our very important conclave is about to happen.
4:10 Speaker 04 I haven't paid any attention to theirs because ours takes precedent and we have so much.
4:16 Speaker 03 To do, Jack, you have a huge job ahead of you as the head of the conclave.
4:20 Speaker 05 We have, I've even watched Conclave the movie to set myself up for what was coming today.
4:26 Speaker 03 Okay, great. So we've got three people that have flown in from all around the country. There's Larry, is there?
4:32 Speaker 05 Yep, Larry, Renee and Charlie.
4:35 Speaker 03 Okay, Jack's picked them. They're all going to go into a special conclave, a sealed room.
4:42 Speaker 05 Studio next door.
4:43 Speaker 03 Decide between the three of them, who is the chosen one to save special skills? If they, if their special skill is picked, we'll hear them all. You will, Jack.
4:53 Speaker 05 Yep. If there's. Just be careful over explaining this, Andy, because remember, we've got a very elaborate opener.
4:58 Speaker 03 It's true, it's true, it's true.
5:00 Speaker 05 But we shouldn't point out the chimney, the pipe, our, our.
5:03 Speaker 03 Sorry, that is, that is something we do need to point out because I sense it's going to play a big part in today's claving.
5:10 Speaker 05 Yeah.
5:10 Speaker 03 I, last year in the Cyber Monday sales, I believe, or Black Friday, I can't remember which, was lucky enough to grab, because it did say the stocks were limited, a small portable smoke machine. Runs off, creates its own fog, fog smoke machine. And we, no one else in the family was using it today, so I was able to bring it in to the studio. And it's, it's handheld, it's like the size of, I don't know, a shoe. And a small shoe, a size eight woman's shoe, and has a tube that comes off it, and that's where the smoke comes out.
5:42 Speaker 05 So Jack, you'll be armed with this.
5:44 Speaker 03 Yeah, I taught him how to use it, he knows how to use it. And it's got a full canister of gas, of like liquid smoke, so it will work, Jack. When the decision's made, you just simply poke the tube out and, you know, double press the button like I taught you. And then the smoke will come out, just like they do in Vatican City, and we'll know that the chosen one has been.
6:02 Speaker 05 And I'm just simply opening the studio door, I'll stick the tube out and then you'll know whether or not, if it smokes, you know we've chosen a skill you're there and the chosen one. If it doesn't smoke, it means we're still deliberating.
6:15 Speaker 03 Okay, that's right, yep. Um, good luck, everybody. And I guess we'll meet the chosen one on the other side of this.
6:34 Speaker 02 And now, please stand as we gather for a very special Hamish and Andy conclave.
6:44 Speaker 03 Since the ritual was first used to select a villager's preferred con, conclaves have been used as a sacred and fun way to select a chosen one from amongst a bunch of other "ones".
6:55 Speaker 02 With the quality and quantity of special skills in steep decline, it was decreed that the podcast was in grave need of a chosen one to save the segment and lead it back into its glory days.
7:08 Speaker 03 Many brave souls came forward. The Chosen Bunch, consisting of five talented people, was selected by Jack. Then, upon thinking about just the general flow of the segment and how busy it might sound, and also a little bit of cost-saving, it was written in the sacred text that in fact, three would enter the conclave, known as the Chosen Few.
7:33 Speaker 02 Once in the conclave, the Chosen Few will decide amongst themselves, overseen by the Chosen Jack, who of the few will be the Chosen One.
7:42 Speaker 03 The Chosen One will then exit the conclave, resurrect the segment, write themselves into history, and receive no less than three eight-coin coins. Can I get it? Amen!
7:54 Speaker 02 Three? Three eight-coin coins? I think that's a bit much.
7:57 Speaker 03 Okay, two. Two is still big and amazing. Can I get it? Amen! Amen!
8:16 Speaker 03 Alright, Andy, we are outside the studio that's going to serve as the conclave for the special skills.
8:23 Speaker 02 We're kind of in the square outside the Vatican, aren't we?
8:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, we are.
8:26 Speaker 02 On the stand is this... I can't wait to get a glimpse. What will they come up with?
8:29 Speaker 03 We've instructed the Chosen Few to not talk to each other, I just have a look at the hallway. They're all staring straight ahead in the hallway. The procession of the Chosen Few can begin now.
8:39 Speaker 02 Yes.
8:39 Speaker 03 Jack, silently lead in the Chosen Few.
8:44 Speaker 03 Amazing scenes here now as Jack Post walks slowly forward. We have a young woman, a young man and another young man. Jack not making eye contact. The special skills chosen few heading into the conclave now. A couple of nods, a couple of eyebrows, but no talking. Bit of giggling as they go into the conclave, but you're gonna get that with conclaves.
9:08 Speaker 02 Jack took it very seriously, which I'm impressed with. He decided to do a kind of a formal march.
9:12 Speaker 03 And then I think. I did not tell him to, but it's what the occasion demands.
9:18 Speaker 02 And then the last chap, he saw Jack doing that and thought, oh, I better try that. But unfortunately, when you're trying to march formally and you're thinking about it too much, he went with his arms at the same time as both legs and ended up square gating his way. That's not, you meant to go opposite arm to opposite leg.
9:36 Speaker 03 Yes, but again, that gives you an idea of how high the tension is here outside the conclave. Annie and I now squat.
9:42 Speaker 02 I thought we'd be able to see in, but no.
9:44 Speaker 03 No, no, no. I imagine now we'd sit against the wall and we wait for the pipe.
9:48 Speaker 02 The pipe.
9:49 Speaker 03 Wait for the smoke pipe to come out.
9:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:51 Speaker 03 And we begin to sit and no doubt inside, um, Jack is beginning the first of what I hope won't be too many rounds of voting till they get the three votes needed for the chosen one.
10:02 Speaker 02 How long does it take sometimes for the pipe? What's the longest one that's gone back again?
10:06 Speaker 03 I'd be guessing, but.
10:07 Speaker 02 Weeks?
10:08 Speaker 03 Two weeks.
10:09 Speaker 02 Jesus. There's snacks.
10:11 Speaker 03 Could be a long.
10:11 Speaker 02 We need some snacks.
10:16 Speaker 06 So the door of the conclave was slammed shut, only to be opened again when the chosen few had selected the chosen one.
10:26 Speaker 05 Welcome to the conclave, guys. My name's Jack Post and I'll be the conclave leader. Why are you laughing? This is very serious.
10:36 Speaker 00 Sorry.
10:37 Speaker 05 Our job today is to choose a special skill that is so brilliant that it saves the segment. The segment is at risk of dying and never being brought back to the podcast unless one of you three here sat at this table with the best special skill can save the segment. I'll go around the table and please introduce yourself. Who are you?
11:02 Speaker 07 Hello, I'm Brother Larry. I am the world's fastest knee sprinter.
11:09 Speaker 05 And what is a knee sprinter?
11:11 Speaker 07 Well, it's a typical sprinter that you'd see. But instead of running on my feet, I run on my knees.
11:18 Speaker 05 Okay. Charlie and Renee are our other contestants here. I'll get your quick reaction to knee running. I'm impressed. Renee?
11:28 Speaker 00 I think that would hurt.
11:29 Speaker 07 It does on a harder surface, but I typically dabble with grass.
11:34 Speaker 00 I would bruise, so.
11:36 Speaker 05 That's all right, Renee. You won't have to do anybody else's skill. Larry will be the only one running on his knees. Larry, how do you imagine we would test something like this?
11:45 Speaker 07 Typically in the past, I have competed against others and simply beat them. But I have also whipped out this skill as a solo performer and just wowed people with the speed, I suppose.
12:01 Speaker 05 Okay, very strong. Thank you, Larry.
12:03 Speaker 07 Thank you.
12:04 Speaker 05 Renee, what is the skill you're proposing will save special skills?
12:07 Speaker 00 I can taste aluminium. I can't say the word, but I can taste it.
12:13 Speaker 05 And describe how that would work.
12:16 Speaker 00 I can just taste it. If a fork touches metal, I can taste it. Just say you got a takeaway and it's in one of those alfoil containers. And someone brushes a fork on it when they put it on your plate. I can taste that.
12:33 Speaker 05 Charlie, I'll get your reaction to aluminium foil tasting. It sounds like a superpower. Larry?
12:40 Speaker 07 I'm slightly confused, but it does sound like the specific taste. It sounds quite special.
12:47 Speaker 00 I can taste it. I can smell metal too.
12:50 Speaker 05 Okay, so how do you think this will wow Hamish and Andy the most?
12:55 Speaker 00 It's better than the knees thing.
12:57 Speaker 05 Interesting, okay. That's the best we've got from Renee. So you would be...
13:01 Speaker 00 That is a good skill!
13:04 Speaker 05 So you would be blindfolded?
13:06 Speaker 00 I can pick anything. You could give me 10 forks. And I can tell you the exact one that touched metal.
13:14 Speaker 05 Okay, okay, this is better, guys. All right. So picture this, 10 forks laid out. One would touch aluminium foil and be returned to the 10.
13:23 Speaker 00 And I could tell you without a doubt.
13:25 Speaker 05 We'd take Renee's blindfold off, she would lick each of the forks. And then she would be able to tell which one had touched aluminium.
13:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, 100%.
13:32 Speaker 05 Okay.
13:32 Speaker 00 I would back her with my life.
13:34 Speaker 05 All right, Renee, well done. Could you do 100 forks, say?
13:37 Speaker 00 I could do 200.
13:38 Speaker 05 Wow, she could do 200 forks. Very good. Charlie, finally, tell us what special skill you have bought today to save special skills.
13:46 Speaker 08 I can tell you which direction north is, no matter where I am, if I'm blindfolded, day or night.
13:53 Speaker 05 Wow.
13:54 Speaker 00 That is not impressive.
13:56 Speaker 05 Isn't it?
13:58 Speaker 00 I mean, I don't know where north is ever, but...
14:01 Speaker 05 Do you have to look at the sun?
14:03 Speaker 08 No.
14:04 Speaker 05 So you could do it inside?
14:05 Speaker 08 Yep.
14:06 Speaker 05 We could spin you around 100 times?
14:08 Speaker 08 Absolutely.
14:09 Speaker 05 Could we spin you around 200 times?
14:10 Speaker 08 I could 300.
14:11 Speaker 05 Wow, 300 spins. And you would know which way north is?
14:15 Speaker 08 Yep.
14:16 Speaker 00 So no matter what, in a pitch black room, blindfolded, spun around, you know where north is?
14:23 Speaker 08 Yeah, absolutely.
14:24 Speaker 05 Larry, what do you think of the Northman?
14:28 Speaker 07 The Northman? I... I believe it's impressive. I just worry it's a random point.
14:38 Speaker 07 You know, like...
14:38 Speaker 05 No, north is not random at all.
14:39 Speaker 07 No, no, I mean like, he could just simply be like, north.
14:44 Speaker 08 That was south, the way you just pointed, by the way.
14:46 Speaker 05 Wow.
14:48 Speaker 00 That's not hard.
14:50 Speaker 05 But we, I guess we don't know if he's right. How accurate would you get it? So is it just general vibe, north is that way? Or is it down to the degree?
15:00 Speaker 08 I reckon I can do it pretty close to the degree.
15:02 Speaker 05 Wow, that's pretty impressive. Okay, we have a big job here today. We have to unanimously vote between the three of you, one of these skills to be performed on the podcast. I'll give you a moment to think.
15:18 Speaker 00 I win.
15:19 Speaker 05 Okay.
15:21 Speaker 07 I win.
15:21 Speaker 05 Okay, and?
15:23 Speaker 08 I'll win.
15:24 Speaker 05 Okay.
15:24 Speaker 00 I said it first.
15:25 Speaker 05 Everyone's very, everyone's very proud of their own skills.
15:31 Speaker 05 Let's have a vote now. The way we'll do the voting, I'll start with Larry this time and go clockwise. You just say who you're voting for.
15:43 Speaker 05 Larry, who are you voting for?
15:46 Speaker 02 Larry?
15:47 Speaker 05 Renee, who are you voting for?
15:49 Speaker 00 Renee.
15:50 Speaker 05 Charlie, who are you voting for?
15:51 Speaker 08 I'll vote for Charlie.
15:52 Speaker 05 Okay, this could take a while.
15:54 Speaker 02 Yes.
15:55 Speaker 05 Sit amongst yourselves.
15:59 Speaker 09 I think the door is cracking open.
16:02 Speaker 02 Okay.
16:02 Speaker 09 Here we go. Pipe is out.
16:06 Speaker 02 Is there, is there smoke?
16:08 Speaker 09 Oh, no, no smoke.
16:13 Speaker 09 Jack really whacked it out, didn't he?
16:17 Speaker 09 Well, I mean, more, let's be honest, more, that was more, was that just me? Or like, he really like just gave it, it was a whip out of the pipe.
16:28 Speaker 02 It did feel a little less chimney, more wangy.
16:36 Speaker 09 Thin wang, had a serious thin wang vibes to it.
16:40 Speaker 02 Didn't expect that.
16:41 Speaker 09 But anyway, no smoke.
16:43 Speaker 02 And it was, but, but I did get the feeling of like, oh.
16:46 Speaker 09 And I was expecting to see his hand come out. I think I just in my head imagined the pipe would come out. But anyway.
16:54 Speaker 02 Okay.
16:55 Speaker 03 They're obviously locked at one all or two one. I suppose it could be a two one lock.
16:59 Speaker 05 Wow, okay.
17:02 Speaker 05 So do you want to have a quick talk amongst yourselves about why you think it should be you? And try to win some of the others over?
17:11 Speaker 08 Yeah.
17:11 Speaker 02 Sounds good.
17:12 Speaker 08 I'm very impressed that you can run it on your knees fast.
17:13 Speaker 02 Thank you.
17:14 Speaker 08 I, I like that you're, you admit that's better on some surfaces than others. And I appreciate that you've tested it to know which ones hurt more than others. As for the aluminium, super impressive.
17:25 Speaker 00 Thank you.
17:25 Speaker 08 It's almost like you've built more neurons in your brain than what the rest of us have.
17:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:29 Speaker 08 How did you find this skill out?
17:31 Speaker 00 Just as a child, I didn't let anyone put something on my plate that touched metal.
17:37 Speaker 05 Oh, so you don't like metal?
17:38 Speaker 00 Oh, it's awful. I haven't even tested my skill, not once.
17:43 Speaker 05 Wow, that's a red flag. Can you turn on the microphone, Renee, just so we hear that?
17:47 Speaker 00 I haven't tested my skill once because it tastes gross and I don't want to. And I already know that I can do it.
17:54 Speaker 05 Okay. And Larry, tell us a bit more about the knee running.
17:59 Speaker 07 Well, I don't remember how I discovered this skill. It just, I think I was born with it, really.
18:06 Speaker 05 Okay.
18:06 Speaker 07 And I eventually just started challenging friends.
18:10 Speaker 05 And I imagine it looks impressive.
18:12 Speaker 07 Oh, incredibly. Let me tell you. It's like typical running where you float for a bit mid, mid power stroke, you know?
18:20 Speaker 05 We all understand that we have to leave this room eventually and to do that, we need a unanimous vote. Renee, I'm gonna start with you this time.
18:27 Speaker 00 I vote me.
18:29 Speaker 05 Charlie?
18:30 Speaker 09 I'll, I'll vote me then.
18:33 Speaker 05 Larry?
18:34 Speaker 07 I, well, look.
18:36 Speaker 00 Come on Larry, vote for me.
18:39 Speaker 07 I'm gonna break the trend here. I'm not gonna vote for myself. I'm gonna vote for Charlie.
18:42 Speaker 00 I knew you were gonna do that.
18:43 Speaker 07 Because my theory is practicality. Like, day to day, that could be cooler. I do hikes every now and then. If I had a friend who I was with that could be like, hey, north's that way.
18:56 Speaker 05 That's true.
18:57 Speaker 07 That's, that's pretty cool.
18:58 Speaker 05 All right.
18:58 Speaker 00 Yeah, no one actually needs to know if a fork touched our the menu.
19:03 Speaker 05 Guys, we have not voted unanimously, so I have to let the people know. Talk amongst yourselves.
19:10 Speaker 07 That's okay.
19:13 Speaker 09 So, here we go. Here we go. The pipe is coming out.
19:19 Speaker 09 It's. Hang on, he's holding. It's holding.
19:21 Speaker 07 It's holding. It's okay. Oh, no.
19:28 Speaker 09 There is no smoke. He held it there for effect though, didn't he?
19:31 Speaker 07 Full stage fright.
19:35 Speaker 09 He even shook it a bit, like, come on.
19:37 Speaker 07 Had to go up to a cubicle.
19:39 Speaker 09 No.
19:39 Speaker 07 Wow.
19:40 Speaker 09 No smoke.
19:41 Speaker 07 Again at the 13 minute. I can't wait to listen to this back.
19:45 Speaker 09 I mean, even though we're playing on it there.
19:47 Speaker 07 What is going on?
19:48 Speaker 05 Well, it's funny because, yeah, people listening, they'll know. We're the only people that don't know what's going on in there, but.
19:53 Speaker 07 God, it's locked up.
19:55 Speaker 06 15 minutes had passed now and the chosen few continued their deliberations.
20:00 Speaker 00 I do really wanna see the knee run.
20:02 Speaker 09 Yeah, so do I.
20:03 Speaker 00 I wanna see it.
20:04 Speaker 07 If I don't get this eventually, I do have videos, don't worry.
20:07 Speaker 00 I was gonna say, I wanna see it.
20:10 Speaker 05 How about this, guys?
20:13 Speaker 05 We're at a deadlock. No special skill has been chosen yet. I'm gonna say something that I think is important for us all to know. You're already all winners. You've been selected amongst an extremely large group of people for amazing skills.
20:30 Speaker 05 We can only see one. But you're all, you've already won, so don't, no need to stand and vote for yourself so vehemently if you think another skill in the room can save the podcast. Would it help to have my influence? And I can tell you what I think is my favourite one? And then that might lead us Cardinals to vote differently.
20:54 Speaker 07 I feel you're an unbiased voice here.
20:57 Speaker 05 Thank you, Larry, I am. And remember, I love all of your skills because I chose them during this selection process.
21:04 Speaker 00 Thank you, Jack.
21:05 Speaker 05 I think it would be amazing for the world to see a man run on his knees. And that's just me. So if I was voting today, Larry would have my vote. I'm gonna start over with Charlie. We're gonna vote again. Charlie, who do you wanna vote for?
21:24 Speaker 08 This is a really big decision to make, it's huge. But I wouldn't be lying if I, if I really wanted to first Larry right now on a knee race. See how it went? That might be able to change my decision a bit more.
21:36 Speaker 00 I'm not doing it.
21:37 Speaker 08 I think the, the untested aluminium theory is just a little bit off the books for me at the moment. I apologise.
21:43 Speaker 00 It's alright.
21:44 Speaker 08 I still would like to vote for myself.
21:46 Speaker 05 Okay, Charlie's voting for himself. Larry, who do you vote for?
21:49 Speaker 07 I'd hate to argue with Jack's informed opinion, so I'm gonna vote myself again.
21:54 Speaker 05 And Renee, who do you wanna vote for?
21:56 Speaker 00 Renee.
21:57 Speaker 05 Okay, we're actually further away there.
22:02 Speaker 03 Okay, here we go. The door is cracking open. Here we go, we've got a nozzle of a pipe coming out.
22:08 Speaker 03 Oh my god. It's gone back in, no smoke. That is three. That was a fast revote though. That was only like two minutes later. What's going on in there? Could I have a quick word?
22:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, come out, come out, come out.
22:22 Speaker 03 Well, you're not, you're meant to be locked down in the conclave. Break some conclave rules.
22:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, what's going on?
22:26 Speaker 05 They won't stop voting for themselves.
22:29 Speaker 03 This is why I put you in charge, you have to break that deadlock.
22:32 Speaker 05 I've given like three different speeches about how it's not an individual competition. We're trying to do it for the podcast, put your own needs aside. You're already all winners because you were selected from a huge group. I don't know what other speech to give now.
22:46 Speaker 03 You did not say this.
22:48 Speaker 05 Well, you do.
22:49 Speaker 03 On Pope compl- no, they don't.
22:51 Speaker 02 That's why it takes, that's why it takes two weeks.
22:52 Speaker 03 I know, but the head cardinal doesn't come out to the square and go, guys, go home. They won't stop voting for themselves.
22:59 Speaker 02 Okay, why don't you do this, Jack? Okay. If you can't vote for yourself, who would you select?
23:06 Speaker 03 Maybe we have to do that. Maybe we have to change the rules.
23:08 Speaker 05 And so now we're no longer looking for unanimous, just whoever gets two votes out of three.
23:13 Speaker 02 I don't think we changed the rules. What I'm suggesting is, if you couldn't vote for yourself, who would you vote for? Start with that discussion.
23:19 Speaker 05 Okay.
23:19 Speaker 02 And then with that new information, let's vote again.
23:21 Speaker 05 Okay. Yeah, you've got to know the energy in there.
23:27 Speaker 05 They're so excited to vote for themselves. Except one guy, honestly, who I think has the best skill. He's the nicest one, who's probably ready to wave.
23:36 Speaker 03 What about this, Jack? What about you go, listen, listen, you guys can't get your act together.
23:41 Speaker 05 Yeah.
23:41 Speaker 03 And vote for someone else.
23:43 Speaker 05 More bad cop.
23:43 Speaker 03 No, no, yeah, you go, none of you get a vote, I get the vote and I'll be choosing.
23:48 Speaker 05 Yeah, okay.
23:49 Speaker 03 And one vote will solve it.
23:50 Speaker 05 Okay, yeah.
23:51 Speaker 02 My question though, Jack, is are they all achievable? Do you think someone can save the segment?
23:56 Speaker 05 They all think they can, and that, at least we've got that. They're all super confident.
24:00 Speaker 02 Okay, great.
24:01 Speaker 03 Great.
24:01 Speaker 02 Good night. Get back in here.
24:02 Speaker 03 Yeah. I think we're close.
24:05 Speaker 05 Okay, well, we're not.
24:08 Speaker 03 But what I mean is, you wouldn't want the chosen one to come easily. It has to be through hardship. Has the special schools' bible taught us nothing? This is, this is the trial. This is the final test. And from this flames, the chosen one will emerge.
24:23 Speaker 05 And what point do we come back next week? Oh God, I'm hungry as it is.
24:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, I'm hungry as well. So there's also lunch pressure on this.
24:33 Speaker 06 Whilst the boys were game planning with Jack, back inside the conclave, the chosen few appeared no closer to breaking the deadlock.
24:41 Speaker 08 How far do you normally run on your knees? The distance I put was 50. 50 metres? That's really impressive.
24:48 Speaker 00 I know, but you can just watch the video. Will you see someone?
24:52 Speaker 08 I won't show the video.
24:56 Speaker 00 He's gonna hold it back now.
24:58 Speaker 08 It's a podcast. We can listen to the, to the video.
25:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's a podcast. We don't even see you run on your knees.
25:07 Speaker 08 But it would make some funny sounds for the podcast. I'm sure it would.
25:12 Speaker 08 Oh, was that? Oh, sorry. I thought you were just doing it.
25:17 Speaker 00 I'm not gonna give it up. I'm telling you right now. I just wanna show my fork skill. It's the only skill I have.
25:27 Speaker 08 Does it have to be a specific type of fork?
25:29 Speaker 00 No, any fork.
25:30 Speaker 08 Any fork.
25:30 Speaker 00 I can literally, I can taste, not that I do this often, but if someone cuts a key, I can taste whether it's been put into a lock. I can taste it.
25:44 Speaker 08 How often are you putting keys in your mouth?
25:45 Speaker 00 Well, that's why I stopped. Because I was like, this is getting...
25:48 Speaker 08 Yeah.
25:49 Speaker 00 I only did it the first few times. I had to test it. But then I was like, nah, I gotta stop doing that.
25:54 Speaker 08 Have you ever worried about, is there some sort of poisoning that comes with halley meat?
25:57 Speaker 00 No, I asked my doctor and I can't have lime or lemon or anything like that. It's all to do with some kind of...
26:04 Speaker 08 Wow.
26:05 Speaker 00 Imbalance.
26:07 Speaker 08 That's, I'm impressed you're going to your doctor.
26:09 Speaker 00 So I can smell metal. I can taste it.
26:12 Speaker 05 Wow, okay, that's really impressive.
26:15 Speaker 00 Better than the knees thing, right? Hey, whoa.
26:19 Speaker 00 Mr. Knees over here.
26:22 Speaker 00 I get so confounded.
26:25 Speaker 06 Jack re-entered the conclave. Could their plan force a decision?
26:30 Speaker 05 Cardinals, I'm going to ask everybody who they would vote for if they weren't allowed to vote for themselves. This is not your official vote, I just want to know who you would vote for. Larry.
26:42 Speaker 07 I did already vote for Charlie. And I do still believe, as a listener, I'd be more impressed hearing that than the fork one.
26:53 Speaker 05 So Charlie, of course.
26:54 Speaker 07 Sorry.
26:54 Speaker 00 It doesn't have to be a fork.
26:57 Speaker 07 Well, in that case.
26:59 Speaker 05 Charlie, of course, you're voting for the human compass. You can pick north in any room. Okay, Renee, if you couldn't vote for yourself, who would you vote for?
27:07 Speaker 00 I'm definitely not voting for Larry.
27:10 Speaker 05 Larry is our knee runner, so you would vote for the human compass?
27:13 Speaker 00 Yes.
27:14 Speaker 05 Charlie, if you couldn't vote for yourself, who would you vote for? I would vote for Larry. Larry, our knee runner, would get your vote? Yes, absolutely. Okay, I don't know really what to do from there because we're still, we still don't have a unanimous vote.
27:32 Speaker 05 I hate to do this to you guys, but I'm going to have to be strict parent on you if you can't unanimously vote this time. And I'm going to have to step in and I'm going to have to choose myself.
27:45 Speaker 00 Okay.
27:45 Speaker 05 Because we can't be here all day. Do you understand?
27:50 Speaker 00 Yes.
27:50 Speaker 05 Do you think that's fair?
27:51 Speaker 00 Yes.
27:52 Speaker 05 Very fair. I'm going to start with Charlie. Charlie, who do you vote for? If I'm not going to vote for myself, I'll vote for Larry. Larry, who do you vote for?
28:02 Speaker 07 I will repay that favour and vote for Charlie.
28:06 Speaker 05 And Renee?
28:07 Speaker 00 Can I still vote for myself?
28:08 Speaker 05 Yes, this, we're back to normal.
28:13 Speaker 05 My goodness.
28:16 Speaker 09 Here comes the pipe. Yes, that's more chimney-like, that's good.
28:20 Speaker 02 Hang on, hang on.
28:21 Speaker 09 No, it's gone again. It's gone back again.
28:26 Speaker 09 Stay all, mate. Is he doing what we said?
28:29 Speaker 05 All right, guys.
28:31 Speaker 00 Renee.
28:31 Speaker 05 I don't know. Yes, Renee, I can feel the strength in your conviction that it should be you. I feel a weight on my shoulders because I was given the instruction that if it can't be decided unanimously, then I will have to choose myself. And I've told you, I'm already very fond of knee running. Larry, I would be choosing you.
28:58 Speaker 05 I'm gonna ask the Cardinals again.
29:03 Speaker 05 I'm even gonna say this. Imagine in a world where we see the special skill completed today successfully, you were each given a chance to show your skill as well on the podcast. So you still get your moment to shine. Now, put that aside and go, what skill do we choose here today that is gonna most impress the people and has the best chance of success?
29:37 Speaker 05 Would you change your vote, anybody?
29:39 Speaker 00 No.
29:41 Speaker 07 I think I would go back to myself also.
29:46 Speaker 07 All right. I understand.
29:48 Speaker 05 Guys, guys, I'm choosing knee running. I'm choosing knee running.
29:52 Speaker 00 I did wanna see that.
29:54 Speaker 09 So why didn't you just say that, Renee?
29:56 Speaker 00 Because mine's better.
29:57 Speaker 05 Larry, look in our eyes and tell us it's amazing. That's all we need.
30:01 Speaker 07 Jack, Charlie, Renee, it's amazing.
30:04 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, I believe that. Okay, do we have consensus?
30:09 Speaker 00 Yes.
30:10 Speaker 09 Congratulations Larry, you will save the podcast.
30:13 Speaker 07 Thank you.
30:13 Speaker 00 Congratulations.
30:14 Speaker 07 I am honoured to be the skillionaire.
30:16 Speaker 00 What happens if he fails?
30:18 Speaker 05 If he fails, special skills will be cancelled from the podcast forevermore.
30:24 Speaker 00 He is so nice.
30:25 Speaker 05 No pressure. I did, I said he is.
30:27 Speaker 00 Then I go back to me voting for me.
30:29 Speaker 05 He is saving the entire segment on the podcast. Larry, good luck out there. We believe in you. Well, one of us does. We believe in you. The Cardinals have spoken in their own way. Congratulations, you are the skillionaire. Let's see you run on your knees. Thank you.
30:49 Speaker 07 Thank you.
30:49 Speaker 00 Thank you.
30:50 Speaker 07 I will save special skills.
30:54 Speaker 09 Okay, here we go. The door is cracked. That was opened forcefully.
31:01 Speaker 05 Yes.
31:02 Speaker 09 Smoke, smoke.
31:03 Speaker 05 White smoke.
31:05 Speaker 09 We have a chosen one. It is a little bit dangly. Sort of giving it a shake.
31:10 Speaker 05 We have a chosen one.
31:12 Speaker 09 Well, we'll go to the studio now.
31:14 Speaker 05 Hallelujah.
31:15 Speaker 09 We'll go to the studio and we'll make the chosen one. Well done, Jack.
31:17 Speaker 05 You did it, Jacko.
31:18 Speaker 09 Well done.
31:19 Speaker 05 Well done. Oh my God. May the chosen one emerge. We'll see them in studio.
31:29 Speaker 00 I vote Renee.
31:35 Speaker 03 All right, we're now back live, but Ando, we, just to bring people up to speed, we haven't.
31:41 Speaker 02 No.
31:41 Speaker 03 We didn't hear any of the Conclave. We know as a listener, you will have heard everything that just happened in the Conclave. Me and Andy have gone from sitting on the floor outside. We saw the white smoke. We've now come straight back in here. Jack, well done.
31:51 Speaker 02 You look exhausted, Jack.
31:52 Speaker 03 It wasn't easy. No, we know, we know. I mean, it'll be massively edited down by the time that's sort of inserted into the podcast, but it was close to half an hour Conclave, which we were not expecting, but a chosen one has been selected. We now see it is one of the young men.
32:07 Speaker 02 Come on in.
32:08 Speaker 03 This is Larry. Welcome.
32:09 Speaker 02 Larry, welcome.
32:10 Speaker 05 The chosen one.
32:12 Speaker 03 Larry, you can pop those headphones on if you like. Larry, welcome.
32:16 Speaker 07 Hello.
32:17 Speaker 03 How was that intense?
32:18 Speaker 07 It was very intense. It was.
32:20 Speaker 03 It seemed it just.
32:21 Speaker 02 More than you thought it would be.
32:22 Speaker 07 Yeah, no, I thought I was prepared going in, but that was, that was something else.
32:26 Speaker 03 They do say the Conclave takes out of you and you've got to really want it.
32:30 Speaker 02 Um, Larry, we don't know any of the special skills. Don't tell us any of the others, but what is yours?
32:36 Speaker 07 Um, my special skill is I am the world's fastest knee sprinter.
32:41 Speaker 05 Wow.
32:42 Speaker 03 All right.
32:43 Speaker 05 Awesome.
32:43 Speaker 03 So running on your knees.
32:45 Speaker 07 Running on my knees. So hands up by my side.
32:47 Speaker 05 Yep.
32:48 Speaker 07 On my knees and I just power sprint.
32:51 Speaker 05 I can't wait to see this.
32:53 Speaker 03 I've got bad knees myself, so extra respect from me. I'm very jealous of that. What, I mean, this is exciting, but we need to discuss now how we test this. When you say world's fastest, has it been measuring just got a great vibe?
33:07 Speaker 07 So I haven't measured time and compared it to say other knee sprinters. However, every time I brought up this skill, I've presented it to friends. I presented it to friends who are athletes, triathletes, AFL players. And I verse them in a knee sprint, comfortably win.
33:24 Speaker 03 Well, I was gonna say, and I mean, I'm out because I've got quite bad tendonitis in my knees. But you recently ran a half marathon. Would you be the control? Would you be happy to knee sprint? He would have to be though twice as fast as me at least, wouldn't he? Like. You've never done it before. So I think. Larry, do you think you are? How far, how, how, how far can you knee sprint?
33:45 Speaker 07 So the distance I submitted was 50 metres. That's probably the max I've ever done.
33:49 Speaker 03 And you prefer. Is that getting into being a bit more of an endurance event then at?
33:53 Speaker 07 Yeah, more like I think my max speed would probably be around 25.
33:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:57 Speaker 07 But then 50 to 100, it's more just wearing on the knees.
34:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, of course. And you must know, you must feel when you're running along on your knees. You must be get a greater appreciation for the calf and the shin and all the other, the foot.
34:09 Speaker 07 Yeah.
34:09 Speaker 03 And realise why they're such a useful part of the whole leg system. Larry, is grass the best?
34:16 Speaker 07 Yeah, grass, definitely the best.
34:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:18 Speaker 07 I typically tend to stay on grass. I've tried sand before. Not good.
34:23 Speaker 03 No track. Carpet would be carpet burns and.
34:25 Speaker 07 Carpet, yeah, not awful, but not the best either. If grass is available, it is preferred.
34:31 Speaker 03 Let's say we have a 50 metre track. Andy starts at 25, you start 50 back.
34:37 Speaker 07 Oh yeah, I could catch, I could catch and overtake.
34:39 Speaker 03 Because that's a, for him to run you down over 50. Done, okay. I'm feeling it. Yeah. I'm feeling the tingle that a, that a special skill is meant to give you. But the confidence, Andrew, that's what we're looking for in the chosen one. The confidence. Um, next week's show?
34:56 Speaker 02 Shall we do that?
34:56 Speaker 03 Yes. I just, I mean, I know we're gonna, everyone's just heard what happened in the conclave. Was Larry a clear winner, Jack?
35:04 Speaker 05 Definitely not.
35:09 Speaker 02 Well, we'll see whether Larry.
35:10 Speaker 03 Do you, do you think the, is extra pressure now that the other two are like, how come he got to be the chosen one?
35:17 Speaker 07 Oh, no, I'm confident in my ability. I'm confident in my skills.
35:20 Speaker 03 That's exactly what happened.
35:21 Speaker 02 Exactly. When Neo thought, you know, had never had doubts, did he? Other people like had his back, I mean, in the matrix.
35:27 Speaker 03 Sorry, this is me kicking a chair because I'm stretching my legs thinking we're about to do this. I'm not even involved. But that's the infectious power of the chosen one.
35:36 Speaker 02 Well, uh, next week on the show, we will see whether Larry can save special skills as a segment with knee sprinting.
35:44 Speaker 03 Get on your knees, Ando.
35:53 Speaker 03 Hey, quickly, as the dust settles on the conclave, the second most important selection of someone happened this week.
36:02 Speaker 02 A lot of selecting going on.
36:03 Speaker 03 A lot of selecting going on with the election. Now, not a political podcast, no one's coming here to get hot takes on politics.
36:10 Speaker 05 And it would be late anyway because the election has already been run and won.
36:14 Speaker 03 As I said, as I said, that's why I've saved this till afterwards.
36:17 Speaker 02 Reflection.
36:18 Speaker 03 Reflection, election reflections, I'm sure is a great episode somewhere on the ABC podcast suite. And I was gonna say, I was not even gonna say it. I was gonna say, aren't their seats still being decided? But even as I said that, I was like, that sounds very not our show. But what I wanted, here's something I do want to focus on the election, um, in the wash up, because I actually now have the data to answer a question that I wondered for weeks leading into the election. Probably similar in your areas, we all live in different electorates. So I'm not sure what happened in your zone. But in my electorate, it was clearly, judging by the placards on, on the telegraph polls in the suburb, hot election between two different women representing two different parties.
37:02 Speaker 03 One, the incumbent, one like, you know, she's the current member and then another one having a red hot go at it. The main strategy was these signs, like the call for signs. Did you have heavy signage?
37:12 Speaker 02 There's a lot of signage going on. There's a lot of
37:15 Speaker 03 Every single post.
37:16 Speaker 02 Melbourne where we were, there was a lot of controversy in my dad's area, parents' area, because one of the ladies going for the top job, her husband was filmed ripping down one of the signs of a competitor and grabbing it and running away.
37:30 Speaker 03 I don't know the sign etiquette, but here's something that happened in this election. And I won't, we don't, I don't even need to name names here, but you've got these two women going for it. Someone had decided to blackout the front right tooth on one of the, one of the placards.
37:48 Speaker 02 That's a bit of fun.
37:48 Speaker 03 One of the signs, but not just once, because I saw it and I went, oh, that's, someone's just having to go for a walk with a sharpie there. That's kind of classic graffiti. Not just once, but they hit everyone.
37:59 Speaker 02 Every single one.
37:59 Speaker 03 Same to you.
38:00 Speaker 02 Every single one. Are you sure she doesn't have a missing tooth?
38:02 Speaker 03 No, no, so occasionally you'd see one without it. Occasionally you'd see one without it. But I was like, okay.
38:07 Speaker 02 That's why if I ever run for election, I'm gonna go a purse smirk.
38:12 Speaker 02 It's dangerous. Yeah, but you can't get graffiti down the teeth.
38:15 Speaker 03 Can't get graffiti to the teeth.
38:15 Speaker 02 I know I'll come across as a smart asshole.
38:18 Speaker 03 I, I, I think I'll hold both my hands up like in a, with a circular like this near my face to show that I can, I can handle two issues at a time.
38:26 Speaker 02 I'm sure you'll be fine.
38:32 Speaker 03 Anyway, I'm probably not gonna run, so it remains to be seen. But what, here's the question, here's the question. So over the course of the few weeks leading up to it, you see?
38:42 Speaker 02 Why would you have two circles to say?
38:45 Speaker 03 I'm holding on to the issue.
38:46 Speaker 02 Well, I know what that guy's doing. He can do two issues at once.
38:52 Speaker 02 Easily have done a P sign, just two fingers.
38:55 Speaker 03 That's not what, that's not what our PR team thought would be most impactful.
39:00 Speaker 03 So you see, you see all the blacked out fifth right. Here's the thing I was wondering. I go, okay, this isn't just like you see one bit of graffiti, you go, okay, that sign's been graffiti. But when you see every one, it did begin to make you think she's missing a tooth. Oh, that's, that's the one that's missing a tooth. And then I thought this would be really interesting because she was not the incumbent. She was trying to win the seat. Okay. So this was her tilted getting elected. She was an underdog. She was, yeah. Well, I suppose, yeah, she's, she's trying to get elected. And I went, this really raises two schools of thought here. You either go, because obviously you assume it's not done by her team. It's done by the other team to defame her.
39:42 Speaker 03 But you go this either, you either go, hmm, I don't know if I can trust her. She can't even get her teeth fixed. How's she gonna get the, you know, how's she gonna get the electorate? How's she gonna get the electorate fixed? Yep. And how's she gonna handle the issues? Can't even be bothered going to the dentist. That's what you're meant to think. That's what they're hoping. Or do you think, wow, look at that. She's so dedicated to fixing the issues in our electorate. She didn't even get what some would say is urgent dental work done.
40:11 Speaker 03 After the election, because she puts the community first. And I went, I think this election will decide whether, how effective the blacking out of the tooth is as a slanderous. Were there any slogans alongside like community before my teeth? I'll get it. Don't worry. I'll get it fixed day one.
40:32 Speaker 03 No, there wasn't. No. Here's the other thing that we noticed, and this is actually sunny. This is my son noticing this. I was like, mate, very astute. The incumbent, the current member, her signs were high on the power polls. All right, higher up. Out of reach of graffiti artists, you reckon? Higher up and, and, and like ladder height. And so they've driven around with a ladder, not convenient. That's kind of annoying from their team, but I reckon they knew. Less chance of seeing them though. Are they, are they a bar, bar high? No, you get a good look. You get a good look. They're just sort of three metres high. And it's like, she's put hers up higher. That's why she hasn't got graffitied. Or they knew, you know, that's a possibility. I was like, yep. And then the lady trying to get a leaf, she's down low. Now, did. Well within graffiti range.
41:14 Speaker 03 Is the seat settled? Do we know who fly or who are high one? So is it effective to have your tooth plucked out? Does it show that you put the community first and teeth second? Or is it slanderous because who can trust someone with a missing front tooth? Not following this at all. I reckon a high placards won it.
41:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, me too.
41:34 Speaker 03 Absolutely smashed it.
41:37 Speaker 03 Low placards. Missing a tooth is not a good way to win an election. It does make people worried about the fact that you can't handle your own face, how you're going to handle the electorate. And I reckon the victors party, either the person whose idea it was to have the ladder or even the ladder itself, probably we've got a victories, we've got a heroes reception at the party just going, let's not forget, you know, let's not forget Jenny, whose idea it was to put them ladder height. That was our secret weapon.
42:13 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.
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