Pod Insights Hamish & Andy 2025 Ep 284 - Jack vs the People: Golf Buggy Finale About this episode Find out whether Jack is victorious in his quest to weasel the motorised golf cart from the hands of the people! We hear more stories from our most empathetic listeners, Hamish places a call to his good friend T-Bone, Andy poses an interesting question “Is Josh an Asshole?” and Hame has an idea for a new show venture!
1. Golf buggy roulette
2. Extreme empaths
3. Is Josh an a-hole?
4. Hamish and Jack chat to T-Bone
5. Small business security test
Transcript 0:02 Speaker 00 A Listener Production.
0:07 Speaker 01 Activate your internet, because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in three, two...
0:17 Speaker 01 Sorry, it's still buffering. One.
0:23 Speaker 02 Ahoy to me, Nakiri. Hamish.
0:27 Speaker 03 Hello, or should I say konnichiwa, Ando?
0:30 Speaker 02 You'd be in the right.
0:31 Speaker 03 Because are we sushi?
0:32 Speaker 02 No, no, we're not sushi.
0:33 Speaker 03 Was it Nagiri or Nakiri?
0:35 Speaker 02 Nakiri.
0:36 Speaker 03 Okay, okay.
0:37 Speaker 02 Ahoy to my Kirisuke, Jack.
0:40 Speaker 03 Are we types of sumo wrestlers?
0:42 Speaker 02 No.
0:43 Speaker 03 Because you know, there's different classes?
0:44 Speaker 02 You're in the right country, just so you know. What else are they?
0:47 Speaker 03 But like a manga, cartoon?
0:49 Speaker 02 No.
0:49 Speaker 03 Some kind of characters we're not aware of? Well, why don't we just list everything that's in Japan? It can't take long. Classes of bullet train or shin kanzin?
0:59 Speaker 02 I am santoku, I think.
1:02 Speaker 03 No, I think we're gonna get it, Ando. I think if we just keep saying...
1:05 Speaker 02 I honestly think you will get it if you think of what...
1:07 Speaker 03 Types of swords. Are we swords?
1:09 Speaker 02 Really close.
1:09 Speaker 03 Ninjas.
1:10 Speaker 02 Oh my god. No, not ninjas.
1:11 Speaker 03 Don't you dare, don't you dare just steal... Don't do this again, Jack, where you just steal the train of thought.
1:17 Speaker 02 Types of samurai. You'd love it in your kitchen.
1:19 Speaker 03 Knives?
1:20 Speaker 02 Knives, knives.
1:20 Speaker 03 Got a knife, got a knife.
1:21 Speaker 02 I think I got it.
1:22 Speaker 03 Got a knife.
1:24 Speaker 02 Dead heat, dead heat. What we'll do is we'll send that to the lab. To Marshy to see who came in with the audio first.
1:32 Speaker 03 Very confident it was me, very confident it was me. I actually think I had time to do the old Usain Bolt look across and wink as I crossed the finish line.
1:40 Speaker 02 Hamish and Nakiri, a special purpose knife for chopping vegetables.
1:44 Speaker 03 I almost certainly have one.
1:45 Speaker 02 Looks like a small cleaver.
1:47 Speaker 03 I have one.
1:48 Speaker 02 You're a long, multi-purpose knife.
1:50 Speaker 03 Got one of those.
1:52 Speaker 02 Used by the executive chef of a Japanese restaurant.
1:54 Speaker 03 Thank you.
1:55 Speaker 02 And I'm just a general purpose knife.
1:58 Speaker 03 You're playing in my territory here, Ando. And whilst I don't know the names of them, at three or four times in my life, I have bought what has been told to me by my good friend, the internet, the world's best Japanese knives.
2:11 Speaker 03 I'm the guy cutting kiwi fruits with like a four kilo cleaver.
2:17 Speaker 03 And marveling at how effortlessly it slices them.
2:21 Speaker 02 Ahoy also to Braden from Texas who used the very easy to use system, hamishandandy.com to tell us what he's up to.
2:27 Speaker 04 Ahoy, boys. This is Braden here from Texas. Today, when I was going to get in the shower in my very fast and loose way, I didn't bring my towel with me. So of course, when I get out of the shower, I have to go and walk soaking wet across my hardwood floors to my room so that I can get my towel. And so when I went to clean up the water, rather than getting another towel, I used my Lost Touch with the Common Man t-shirt to wipe up the water. And other than possibly upsetting Andy, I feel like I might have created a paradox by doing something so Common Man with a Lost Touch t-shirt. Can't hear you guys' thoughts of the show.
3:05 Speaker 03 Thank you, Braden, and a great case study. But I would say he uses a little bit lost touch to use a t-shirt, an expensive garment, to clean your floors, something you normally reserve for a cheaper garment like a towel.
3:16 Speaker 02 That's my take on it as well. I think it doubles down on his lost touches and I'm glad he has bought the correct t-shirt in that manner.
3:24 Speaker 05 But would you like the efficiency, Ando, of if it's on its way to the laundry anyway, then it's doing two jobs?
3:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'd say he breaks a few fast and loose rules there because number one, maybe he didn't have a bath mat, but you can always use the bath mat in a pinch.
3:38 Speaker 02 If it's fast and loose, just leave it. It's water.
3:40 Speaker 03 I was gonna say, the other thing is, that's gonna dry. One of the key features of water is how quickly it dries and just returns itself to the atmosphere, invisible to the naked eye.
3:51 Speaker 02 Hope we've answered those for you, Braden. Ah, Hame. Wow.
3:56 Speaker 03 It's time.
3:56 Speaker 02 Let's set the scene in here. We have got a full roulette table. We've got our own croupier, Jason. Ahoy to you, Jason. Jason's just waved for those.
4:07 Speaker 03 Jason's panicking because he said, do you want to talk to me? He said, no, no, you're fine. Just do your jobs. He's taking it very literally.
4:15 Speaker 02 Good, Jason. Jack, this is where we're at. Our good pals at In Golf In Utility had offered Hamish and I a golf buggy, a little trolley. Because you obviously said you didn't want a golf cart, the motorized ones you drive around. You sent it back. You looked a gift horse in the mouth. You sent Santa back up the chimney with the gifts, in your own words. We brought us to this situation where they sent us another trolley to give away to the listeners. We asked Jack whether he'd like to seize it before it gets to listeners. He said, yes, we thought that was a bit unfair, but we did want to test. It was a bit of a trick.
4:53 Speaker 05 Well, I mean, I, I was, I was ready to receive something anyway. So how cruel to me would it be to go home empty handed is where I was coming from. If that nulls the ledger.
5:03 Speaker 02 You're right. You're right. It is about who's the most ready to receive. That's what you go to. But Jack was a torment for you because it's King Weasel.
5:12 Speaker 05 Yes.
5:13 Speaker 02 After doing all the credits and all the thank yous to Ingolf.
5:17 Speaker 05 To get nothing.
5:18 Speaker 02 To get nothing. You were like, to you, you felt like you'd put in a hard day's work in the mines. Someone else is selling the coal and you just didn't get a paycheck.
5:27 Speaker 05 I didn't get a paycheck. Worse, I got the paycheck and sent it back because it just didn't work with. I had nowhere to get it from.
5:33 Speaker 02 It's too big for my pocket.
5:39 Speaker 02 So it brought us to a situation where we asked people to register to potentially win the trolley, the motorized trolley.
5:47 Speaker 05 So many people want it.
5:48 Speaker 02 10,866 people have registered their details. They're legitimate people that want to win it. We asked Jack how many tickets he'd like in this raffle. He didn't go the million.
5:58 Speaker 05 Yep.
5:59 Speaker 02 Or billion. He said, I'd like one for every person that's entered. So he's giving himself a 50 50 chance. He's gone in with 10,866 tickets as well.
6:09 Speaker 05 I think that's fair. I saw some comments saying that it wasn't, but I think that's fair.
6:15 Speaker 02 Can you see a world where it seems rigged to your favor?
6:19 Speaker 05 I think that people don't, people saying that it wasn't fair, don't really have the full context of how I was ready to receive a gift and never got one.
6:27 Speaker 02 Catch it mid on, no one threw the ball. I still think, I still think that guy should be out. I was so ready for the catch.
6:36 Speaker 03 I know you hit a boundary to the other side of the ground, but if you look at the tape, I'm so, so ready for the catch.
6:43 Speaker 02 I, you're right, Jack. They probably haven't taken in the ready to receive metric.
6:48 Speaker 03 How ready you were, how ready, you know.
6:52 Speaker 02 So Jack.
6:52 Speaker 03 You're super fertile. Like for people that track, you know, cycles and trying to have a baby. Jack was extremely fertile.
6:59 Speaker 02 Send it in.
7:01 Speaker 03 Ready, I'm ready.
7:03 Speaker 02 So it brings us to this position where it's a genuine 50 50. Ham had the great idea of bringing in a roulette, a wheel, we'll spin the ball, we'll have the excitement. You've chosen black, it's blackjack. You've also elected to have the zero again because of your readiness to receive, switching it more in your favour.
7:20 Speaker 05 Yeah, but that's going to be like an extra 1% or not even. What, you crunch the numbers on that? What is that?
7:25 Speaker 03 It's way more than 1%.
7:26 Speaker 02 It's a 137.
7:27 Speaker 03 137, yeah. So it goes, I mean, it's basically how the casino makes its money, the edge. You've given yourself the, not the guitarist from YouTube, but you've given yourself. I don't know if he's named himself after the zero on a roulette wheel, but you've given yourself him.
7:43 Speaker 05 Yeah. Well, I think it sounds better to say, it's more exciting to say it's a genuine 50 50. I'm the blacks, the listeners are the reds.
7:50 Speaker 03 Yes. So are you giving them back the zero?
7:53 Speaker 05 No, no, sorry. And if he's laying a gun zero, I will still win.
7:56 Speaker 02 Okay, we're not going to give back zero.
7:58 Speaker 05 It just gets so finicky for you to describe all the percentages and stuff. So just call it a big old 50 50.
8:03 Speaker 03 We could say zero, um, you know, zero is just nothing. Nothing. Ingolf gets, they win. They get their buggy back.
8:11 Speaker 05 No, no, no, no, no, no. They've already won.
8:15 Speaker 02 Self utility. Well, Jack, I think we're pretty ready.
8:21 Speaker 06 So this is where we've got to. Jack versus the people.
8:27 Speaker 06 It could have been Jack versus Jack. He could have stepped inside the octagon and closed the gate behind him if he'd opted to take one million tickets.
8:39 Speaker 06 But instead, he's allowed an opponent in.
8:46 Speaker 06 Sure, he is 10,000 times more likely to win than the individual. But as a collective, it's head to head.
8:56 Speaker 06 Oh my gosh, call a doctor. Mano, I'm many mano. One shot, one shot. That's unbelievable. It's Jack, it's Jack versus the people.
9:07 Speaker 03 Here we go. God, I'm excited. I don't think I'm ever going to be so excited for anything on this show.
9:12 Speaker 05 I gotta stand up, I gotta stand up.
9:13 Speaker 03 How are you feeling, Jacko?
9:14 Speaker 05 Poor. I feel positive. I feel weirdly positive.
9:17 Speaker 03 Yes, well, the odds are in your favour.
9:20 Speaker 05 No, no, the odds are a 50 50. Jason, are you ready?
9:22 Speaker 03 With a slight edge to you. Jace is ready.
9:25 Speaker 05 Wait, wait, wait, are you doing it already? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
9:29 Speaker 02 What happens? You spin the middle thing first, don't you? And then you shoot the ball.
9:33 Speaker 03 And then you flick the ball around. Jack, we're giving you the chance. Would you like to switch to red?
9:37 Speaker 05 No, no, no, no, no, no. Black Jack, black Jack.
9:42 Speaker 03 You sure?
9:42 Speaker 05 Yes, no, no.
9:43 Speaker 03 That could be the moment that cost you.
9:45 Speaker 05 I feel black coming up. I'll actually be shocked if it's red.
9:49 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:49 Speaker 05 All right. If I see black, I'm very happy. Okay.
9:53 Speaker 02 Jason is spinning the inner circle.
9:55 Speaker 03 I'll put a vote in.
9:56 Speaker 02 The ball is about to go. It's gone.
9:58 Speaker 03 For all those that are against Jack, good luck to you on red.
10:01 Speaker 05 Come on, come on.
10:03 Speaker 03 Here we go.
10:04 Speaker 02 It's falling down.
10:07 Speaker 05 Come on.
10:08 Speaker 03 One down.
10:10 Speaker 05 Black 35.
10:15 Speaker 03 Yes, yes.
10:20 Speaker 03 It's a black 35. Oh my gosh. You've just tuned in.
10:25 Speaker 05 Not what the people wanted.
10:26 Speaker 03 You're a shearing man, screaming yes, yes, yes. Because he, he has rigged the competition to make sure he gets a $5,000 golf buggy instead of the people of the show.
10:39 Speaker 05 Don't say rigged, because people might think that the actual roulette wheel is rigged. The roulette wheel is 100% real.
10:45 Speaker 02 Legit roulette.
10:46 Speaker 03 Sorry, sorry. Fiddled with or tinkered with the odds to ensure the black Jack. Felty, well, congratulations, Jack. It's been a long road.
10:58 Speaker 02 I can't say it's been a popular victory for people in here outside the window. There are boos and there are thumbs down.
11:05 Speaker 03 Literally, my wife said to me, as I went out the door this morning, she kissed me, she held my shoulders, looked into my eyes and went, God, I hope he doesn't get it.
11:15 Speaker 05 Sometimes the heel has got to win. Thank you. Sorry, everybody.
11:19 Speaker 02 Well done, Jack.
11:20 Speaker 05 Sorry.
11:20 Speaker 03 This is why I love podcasting over radio. Can't do this in radio. This is as you would never hear. Okay, now, you know, do you want to go and see Post Malone in Vegas or am I going?
11:33 Speaker 05 You'll be a dear, it's me. Yes. Yes.
11:36 Speaker 02 Because I gave myself 10,000 times the chance of the others.
11:42 Speaker 03 All right, Jack, so you've done it. You've done it. Nothing can take it away now.
11:46 Speaker 05 Right. No, no, don't, don't even hint at some sort of like, as a goodwill gesture. No, no, no, no, no.
11:53 Speaker 03 Ando.
11:53 Speaker 05 We all, if you want to do a goodwill gesture, you give yours away.
11:56 Speaker 02 No, no.
11:56 Speaker 03 I know our very good friends.
11:58 Speaker 02 No, no.
11:58 Speaker 03 At Engulf and Utility. Ando would be happy to go a double or nothing.
12:04 Speaker 05 Why would I need two trolleys? No, no.
12:07 Speaker 03 Why'd you need a car? Hasn't stopped you before?
12:16 Speaker 02 Hey, we've become a place for people with empathy for objects to come and share their feelings and feel nurtured and a part of a team. Extreme Empaths is the same what we're talking about. They're still coming here to homeyshady.com. Hit us up there.
12:28 Speaker 03 You send them, we'll do them. Imagine how broken we would have a huge part of the audience feel if people were sending in Extreme Empaths and we're like, oh, we're going to move on, I'm not doing them. Knowing that their emails are sitting there, unread, in the dark, so excited about being included in the show. Just, just a little blinking, just an email with a blue circle next to it. And we, um, and we just moved on. Couldn't do it. Couldn't do it to them.
12:53 Speaker 02 Let's see, I'm going to do it then.
12:57 Speaker 02 Sorry, that's the opener there. Every song ever written and performed, so no song feels left out. Hame, do you want to go first or me?
13:03 Speaker 03 Uh, this comes in from Amelia. Um, she says, when you look at the back of the car, you see a face, right? The brake lights are the eyes, the number plate is the mouth, and the boot opener is the nose.
13:15 Speaker 02 Okay.
13:15 Speaker 03 So this is, this might not be everyone, but certainly Amelia says, because every make and model of a car has a face. Some cars faces are cute, where others look quite mean to her.
13:26 Speaker 02 Okay, okay.
13:27 Speaker 03 If a cute face car is attempting to merge, I'll always let them in. But if a mean car tries to merge, there's no way I'm letting them in. In fact, I'll cut them off or beep the mean cars if the opportunity presents itself because they don't deserve my kindness.
13:44 Speaker 03 Cute cars have feelings. Mean ones have them too, I guess, but you don't have to respect them.
13:49 Speaker 02 This is from Sarah in the UK. In London, the Underground has certain parts of the track where it goes overground.
13:55 Speaker 03 Yep, gotcha.
13:56 Speaker 02 She says, every time the train comes out from Underground, I feel an immense surge of happiness that the train is getting some vitamin D and to see some sights to break up the nine must stay.
14:09 Speaker 03 Vitamin D was the worry.
14:11 Speaker 02 Um, this is from Jake. He goes, boys, I always feel bad for the yellow light in traffic. When I see people ignore it and drive straight through, like it's just there trying to do its job and people blatantly ignore it. I will always stop for the yellow light, no matter what, then look up and say, I see you, yellow light, and you're doing a good job.
14:35 Speaker 03 Like the yellow light, i- i- it's not officially the bouncer of the traffic, just a staff member that's been told to go outside and try and stop people from coming in.
14:43 Speaker 02 The red light, the security guard, the real security guard hasn't arrived yet.
14:46 Speaker 03 He's got a badge. He's got a number, but this is just the guy that normally collects the dishes going, sorry, guys, we are pretty full.
14:52 Speaker 02 Uh, this is from George Jackson in, um, New Zealand. Um, he has a friend. He says, I have a friend, no matter how bad, doesn't skip songs on Spotify's AI DJ. Cause he doesn't want to, the DJ to feel bad about its poor recommendation.
15:11 Speaker 03 Um, Zach. Zach says, look, I water the garden the normal way. I spraying the soil under the plants, but then I look up and I feel bad for the leaves, which actually do most of the work for us humans, creating oxygen. They're sitting up there working their asses off and they don't even get a drop of water for their efforts. So when I'm done, I make sure I turn it on to shower mode for the hose and I give the leaves a well-earned drink, even though I know it does nothing for the health of the plant.
15:43 Speaker 03 I reckon I've got close to a reverse one for that. We have an indoor plant in our bathroom. And when I water it, I do feel like a hero. Cause it's every six weeks. Like it basically, it almost dies and I bring it back. And when I give it its water and I pump it, you only need to give it a little bit. And I put it under the bathroom tap and I just flood it.
16:04 Speaker 05 That's not good for it.
16:07 Speaker 03 It's not good for a day to day, Jack, but trust me, this thing never thought it was drinking again. And I do have that thing where I think it must just be like, finally. Like, you know, just that moment of going, oh my God, I've just been waiting for this for two months. And I feel like I'm, I'm helping out a mate. Yeah, I don't, they say only give it 200 mils of water and I saturate the soil.
16:29 Speaker 03 And I think it loves it. I think it loves it. I do think it loves it.
16:32 Speaker 05 Or Tavish's gardening.
16:35 Speaker 03 Costa going, that's not what you meant to do. Costa, I think it is enjoying. I think I'll speak for the plant.
16:47 Speaker 03 Guys, I met a fellow called Josh while playing golf. And he told me a story that has inspired me to make a new segment called this.
17:02 Speaker 03 All right, Josh will be ruining.
17:04 Speaker 05 Oh, they're talking about me on the podcast.
17:08 Speaker 03 Be a little bit disappointed with how this has worked out for him, but let's hope he's not an asshole. Josh flew to Ireland, Northern Ireland, to play a very good course called Royal County Down. Okay. And arriving in Belfast, you have to take a bus out there, right?
17:24 Speaker 05 What an asshole.
17:29 Speaker 03 So he's got off plane, got to the bus stop. And he's waiting in a line for the bus stop.
17:35 Speaker 05 Yep.
17:36 Speaker 03 And the bus is leaving every hour, right? And so he's playing at 2:30, he's on a 12 o'clock bus, he'll get there easily.
17:47 Speaker 02 He then realizes, he's about seven back in the line, he realizes that it's cash only for the bus and he has flown from America.
17:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, straight in.
17:57 Speaker 02 Doesn't have cash on him. Four pounds. So he turns to an old lady behind him and he says, hey, I'm really sorry, would you have four pounds for the bus, I think it's cash only. She says, oh, of course. He said, I can exchange details, I'll try and get the money to you. She said, absolutely not. Welcome to Ireland. Here's four pounds. So he's got the four pounds.
18:20 Speaker 03 Right.
18:21 Speaker 02 Bus arrives, it's quite full and they're counting how many people will be able to fit on the bus. And the conductor goes through, gets to Josh and then cuts the line behind him and there's an hour wait for the next one. He looks at the lady that's giving him four pounds and says, thanks very much for the four pounds and boards the bus.
18:49 Speaker 05 That's a horrible one.
18:53 Speaker 02 And makes his tea time at Royal County Down. As the bus took off, he gave a small thank you wave. She just waved back. She was single, it wasn't like there was her with her family.
19:08 Speaker 03 Yep.
19:09 Speaker 02 It presents the question, is Josh an asshole?
19:14 Speaker 03 I think he's in the clear.
19:16 Speaker 02 Oh, the girl's outside and nodding and saying he's an asshole. You're saying he's in the clear?
19:21 Speaker 05 Well, I think he's, I mean, would we do it ourselves? Who knows?
19:26 Speaker 02 I certainly, I certainly wouldn't. I'd say to that lady, listen, you go in front of me, no matter what happens, we have to make sure you get on that bus. But that's just me.
19:37 Speaker 02 But not here to play the old is Josh better than I am game. However, if she'd have said to him, I mean, like if she was, had she known, I wonder if she would have gone, I wonder if like, if there was, say there was a sign that said, by the way, it's six people per bus and she'd done the maths and gone, okay, I'm number seven. I wonder if she'd gone, if she'd have known that, would she have said, I'll give you the four pounds, but we're switching spots.
20:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:02 Speaker 05 I, but she could have, she probably had the chance as well or was in her right to go, as he's getting chosen, you're on the bus. She goes, I want my four pounds back.
20:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:11 Speaker 05 And then he doesn't get on the bus.
20:12 Speaker 02 To say, I'm not trying to swap places with you, I just want the money back.
20:18 Speaker 03 And then the bus driver go, I'd appreciate if we could leave on time. Yeah. Let's not wait for this guy to get four pounds off someone else. Yeah. Yes. Because this guy's got no money. I kind of agree with Hayne though, he had his position. I guess the question is, should he have offered up his position? In exchange for four pounds. Thank you for the four pounds. Yeah. The tough thing is, his position is worth far more than four pounds. So much more. If it was a 10 minute bus wait. Yeah. Then you do the right thing. Four pounds. Yeah, 10 minutes is four pounds. One hour bus wait and also try not to make this about golf, but he's gonna not have any time if he gets the next bus. He might even miss it. And he has come all that way to do that thing.
21:03 Speaker 03 You know, replace it with art gallery that's closing soon, if that's more your thing.
21:09 Speaker 03 You know, he's come for that thing. Yeah. The art gallery's not open the next day. She have golf clubs with her? Didn't look like she had a tee time. Didn't look like she had a tee time, no. No, she may have been getting into outfield when she got there, but it seemed to be. I think as long as he was, felt remorseful and showed that, like even just, even just a hand on the heart as the bus drove away, like, oh, this hurts. I'm not, I'm not, I'm certainly not changing, but acknowledge. Right. All right. Fantastic. Josh is not an asshole.
21:41 Speaker 03 I don't think he's an asshole.
21:50 Speaker 03 Hayne, we're on a small, difficult quest amongst other bigger difficult quests, which is a dollar coin, but, which is to try and get up there, Kazali played before the Carlton Collingwood AFL football match in front of 100,000 people. Essentially to reclaim it as being an Australian song because there is an English guy coming out from England. And who claims that it is a Derby County song called Steve Broom is watching. Like a soccer song. And the way we are hoping to do this is by playing that song at the footy coming up. Unfortunately, it's Carlton Collingwood, the match is 100,000 people there. So what we're asking for is for the song, but I think the crowd will love, because this is like an AFL song.
22:32 Speaker 03 We're just asking for one song to be played specifically to 100,000 people to upset one man.
22:38 Speaker 02 Yes.
22:38 Speaker 03 So we know that that that is a, there's a, there could be an argument there for like, oh, well, we can't use 100,000 people's
22:48 Speaker 02 Time.
22:49 Speaker 03 To settle this sort of inter-country musical dispute. But our argument is, I think the crowd will love it, as we know, you know, that there's no other song fires up an AFL crowd like that song, if you're familiar with it.
22:59 Speaker 02 Yep.
22:59 Speaker 03 So on last week's show, people would know that we talked to Jay from AFL.
23:04 Speaker 02 Yep.
23:05 Speaker 03 And he said, look, here's the way that any football match works, whoever home, because we're like, who plays the music before the game starts? Someone's got to be in charge of the DJ booth. He said, it's the home team's thing.
23:17 Speaker 02 Which is Collingwood.
23:18 Speaker 03 That would be the Collingwood Football Club. Um, then Jack reminded us, we're all very good friends with the, with one of the guys that does the ground announcing.
23:26 Speaker 02 Yep.
23:26 Speaker 03 For the Collingwood Football Club.
23:27 Speaker 02 That's right.
23:28 Speaker 03 T-Bone to us.
23:29 Speaker 02 What's his first name again?
23:30 Speaker 03 Stephen Tobone.
23:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, well done.
23:34 Speaker 03 So well done me for knowing a friend. I mean, give me a hard challenge.
23:38 Speaker 02 Okay, I'm going to send you a picture now of three people.
23:43 Speaker 03 And I wish I had time to look, Ando.
23:46 Speaker 02 No, the photograph has been sent. There's three people.
23:51 Speaker 03 Okay, just trying to get my side of the desk.
23:56 Speaker 03 Haven't paid my phone bill.
23:59 Speaker 02 You should be able to receive, shouldn't you?
24:01 Speaker 03 Nah, seems to be blocking it.
24:04 Speaker 02 Have you got it? Because I sent it to the two of you.
24:09 Speaker 02 Okay, I know which one he is.
24:11 Speaker 03 Yes.
24:12 Speaker 02 Because he's, he's one of our friends.
24:14 Speaker 03 He's one of our friends. Now, of course, any.
24:17 Speaker 02 Left, middle, right.
24:18 Speaker 03 All right, I'll play the game, mate. He's on the right.
24:22 Speaker 02 He's got it.
24:22 Speaker 03 He's got it.
24:23 Speaker 02 He's got it.
24:26 Speaker 03 Now, of course I've got it. Because I know Steve Tbone.
24:31 Speaker 05 Yeah, Tbone.
24:32 Speaker 03 Tbone.
24:32 Speaker 05 Yeah.
24:33 Speaker 03 As we covered off last week.
24:34 Speaker 05 Yeah.
24:35 Speaker 03 It was.
24:36 Speaker 05 One in three was too high. It was too high. I should have put six faces.
24:40 Speaker 03 I mean, I, I thought, I thought you were just gonna say three that weren't him.
24:46 Speaker 03 But that's what I was hedging for, for when I go, it's the guy on the right, you go, it's none of them. I was like, that's why I said I'm playing the game.
24:53 Speaker 05 Should have ducked that.
24:54 Speaker 03 Correctly identified, correctly identified and verified as a friend. So last week, after you left Endo, I go, hey, Jack, let's call Tbone. And, um, let's ask him if he, if he's the guy that's doing the ground announcing, he'll be able to put us in touch with whoever's in charge of the DJ booth at the MCG.
25:10 Speaker 05 How'd the call go?
25:11 Speaker 03 Um, yeah, well, you're gonna hear a bunch, you're gonna hear some friends catching up.
25:19 Speaker 07 Hello, Stephen speaking.
25:20 Speaker 03 Tbone, it's Hame.
25:23 Speaker 07 Hey, how are you?
25:24 Speaker 03 Good, mate, good. Sorry, I've got Jack here as well, um, was calling from the studio.
25:29 Speaker 07 Oh, okay.
25:30 Speaker 05 Tbone.
25:31 Speaker 07 Hiya.
25:31 Speaker 05 It's Hamish.
25:32 Speaker 07 Hiya.
25:33 Speaker 05 From Hamish and Andy.
25:34 Speaker 03 He knows, he said hello.
25:36 Speaker 05 No, he sounded like he didn't know who you were. Did you know who was calling?
25:40 Speaker 07 I'm like, yeah, no, because I, I was just at a media event with MBL and I was like, is this someone from there? But now I know who it is. Yeah, so how are you guys?
25:48 Speaker 03 Yeah, great, mate. How's things? Are you back, um, are you back doing Pies stuff, Collingwood stuff this year?
25:54 Speaker 07 Yes, I am. Yeah.
25:55 Speaker 03 Oh, great, great.
25:57 Speaker 07 Yeah.
25:57 Speaker 03 Jack was wondering something.
25:59 Speaker 05 Tbone, we wanna play a specific song before the Carlton Collingwood match up there, Kizali. How hard would it be to put it into the playlist?
26:08 Speaker 07 Uh, is that at the, that's at the G, isn't it?
26:10 Speaker 05 Yep.
26:11 Speaker 07 I don't look after the G music.
26:13 Speaker 05 Do you know who runs the playlist, Steve?
26:15 Speaker 07 Uh, yeah, I do, I do, but I know that, um, I know that they reserve that song for the big day, September.
26:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, I know, it's a bit of a one-off. We need it, we need it played to, um, antagonize a man from the United Kingdom who'll be in the audience.
26:33 Speaker 07 All right. Um, Jack, I'll give him your number and see if, talk to him directly.
26:39 Speaker 03 Yeah, great.
26:40 Speaker 07 Yeah.
26:40 Speaker 03 We'll, um, we'll catch up soon.
26:42 Speaker 07 Yeah, yeah.
26:44 Speaker 05 Thanks, Tbone.
26:45 Speaker 03 Awesome, mate.
26:46 Speaker 07 All right, mate. Okay.
26:47 Speaker 03 See you, Tbone.
26:48 Speaker 07 See ya. Bye, bye, bye.
26:51 Speaker 02 Never has a man been more confused.
26:56 Speaker 03 That was three friends catching up.
26:57 Speaker 02 Okay, so you've watched, did you guys call the other person?
27:01 Speaker 05 Yeah, he can't, he can't play the song.
27:04 Speaker 03 We've done all this.
27:06 Speaker 05 Yeah, he can't play the song.
27:07 Speaker 02 I knew we shouldn't have gone to T, but why can't he play the song?
27:10 Speaker 05 They're worried that the AFL only plays that song for grand final day.
27:15 Speaker 02 You just heard from the AFL, they were fine with it.
27:17 Speaker 05 No, they've called, so now Collingwood's putting it back on the AFL.
27:20 Speaker 03 It was the guy, yeah, it was the guy that's in charge of the DJ booth, he's like, I wouldn't, he reckons he's risking his job by playing that song.
27:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, she's not risking it.
27:28 Speaker 05 Yeah, that's why he thinks.
27:29 Speaker 03 To be fair, I didn't talk to him, this was Jack's stuff, Hando.
27:31 Speaker 05 Yeah.
27:31 Speaker 03 This is Jack, Jack took it off of this.
27:33 Speaker 02 So did you say to him, if we get signed off at the AFL, will you play it?
27:37 Speaker 05 He said he would be happy to play it, but it's got to be signed off by the AFL.
27:40 Speaker 02 Great.
27:40 Speaker 03 I don't know why he's worried about it. No one's, no one in September's gonna yell out, heard this in April.
27:51 Speaker 02 Get some new stuff.
27:52 Speaker 05 He, he said that he was worried that Mike Brady, who wrote the original song and still performs it, would ring and say, why is it being played now?
27:59 Speaker 03 What did you say back to that, Jack? Did you, were you, did you play hardball and say, Brady's not gonna hear it?
28:04 Speaker 05 I said, wait, Mike Brady's gonna call you directly. And he said, no, but Mike Brady could get in touch, then it comes back to me.
28:10 Speaker 03 Why are we scared of Mike Brady?
28:12 Speaker 02 Mike Brady loves it when we play it.
28:14 Speaker 05 Yeah, maybe he likes it being exclusively for the grand final.
28:18 Speaker 03 I knew I should have been on this second call.
28:24 Speaker 02 Okay, so shall we, are we, what, are we ticking it off with Mike Brady? So give me the people we have to tick it off with.
28:29 Speaker 03 I think Jack's saying, Jack's trying to do, I've done all I can. Is that, are you out, Jack?
28:34 Speaker 05 I'm saying this guy can press play on the song with permission from the AFL, and yes, Mike Brady wouldn't.
28:40 Speaker 02 We have to get Mike Brady's permission as well. What about the person who invented the DJ booth? Just to make sure they're comfortable with it being pressed play. So this guy you're talking to, is he from Collingwood?
28:50 Speaker 05 The DJ is from Collingwood.
28:52 Speaker 02 Right.
28:52 Speaker 05 Yep. Yeah, I actually feel like I'm saying too much because he doesn't want his name said.
28:56 Speaker 02 I thought it was a bit peculiar, you guys be saying this guy. What, but does he, has he asked Collingwood?
29:01 Speaker 03 He's a well-known DJ, he's given up an IB for residency to come and press play on the two hours pre-game.
29:07 Speaker 02 So has Collingwood said yes? Or is he of the power to say it on behalf of Collingwood?
29:12 Speaker 05 He's saying on behalf of Collingwood, he's happy to press play.
29:16 Speaker 02 And he has that? That authority?
29:18 Speaker 05 Well, he didn't take any other calls when I spoke to him, so he just assumes that he can. As long as the AFL says it's all right.
29:25 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:26 Speaker 05 So what I think this is the structure. Collingwood says, play whatever you want, whenever you want, so he knows he can. Then he's gone.
29:33 Speaker 03 The feedback he gets more often is, why did you do that? Not well done for doing that.
29:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay.
29:39 Speaker 03 He's worried about a why did you do that? He wants a golden ticket from up on high that says you're all cool to do that.
29:44 Speaker 02 Okay, well, we can get that.
29:46 Speaker 05 Okay.
29:46 Speaker 02 Try and get it.
29:46 Speaker 05 So do you think I was still helpful? I want to know if I helped out in this situation.
29:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, absolutely. You got the guy that can actually press play.
29:53 Speaker 03 You've kept, yeah, we did well there, Jacko, with the.
29:55 Speaker 05 Oh, so now you're back in.
29:57 Speaker 03 Well, that's the bit we did together. We got T-bone.
30:02 Speaker 03 And then.
30:03 Speaker 02 All right.
30:03 Speaker 03 You went off down a path somewhat clumsily and have returned to the group needing help. That's okay.
30:10 Speaker 02 We will get side off from the AFL. We're going to, I think we should double check with Collingwood, just because I feel like that's going to. Mike Brady, let's just, can you do a Mike Brady? Can you do a Mike Brady impersonation?
30:21 Speaker 05 I sure can.
30:26 Speaker 02 So let's get a voice, we'll get a voice note from you.
30:29 Speaker 03 Mate, if that's my homework for this week, I'm in.
30:33 Speaker 02 From you, he's covered. And then, and then let's just try and get it as close to the bounce as possible. I'm not saying last song before the bounce, but can't have it like as soon as everyone walks in.
30:45 Speaker 05 No, no, it's got to be close, it's got to be close to the first siren.
30:48 Speaker 03 Now that they're saying it, it does, and can they, they only play it on grand final day. It's going to give the players an absolute buzz.
30:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:54 Speaker 03 Isn't it? There you go, I'm going to say.
30:56 Speaker 02 Yeah. And we, did you, did you mention that we like our own message attached to the front of it? To say.
31:01 Speaker 05 Did you, Jack? No, I didn't get into that, sorry.
31:04 Speaker 03 Should never let you do that. Go alone.
31:12 Speaker 03 Gentlemen, I have an idea for us, inspired by a film. I mean, so heavily inspired by a film, you might almost say it, it almost is the film. But we just do it. But let me, let me bring you up to speed.
31:27 Speaker 02 Ocean's Eleven.
31:29 Speaker 03 It's not far off, to be honest, Jack.
31:31 Speaker 02 Scary Movie with a hat that gets bigger.
31:36 Speaker 03 No, that wasn't executed the same way that we did it.
31:40 Speaker 02 So just on that, though, quickly.
31:42 Speaker 03 No, no, I may actually have some hat news myself. Andy's referencing the fact that when we did the five hat prank last year, a few people did point out that there is a scene in Scary Movie two or three, where a guy's hat continues to get bigger, but it's not the same as the five hat prank. It just is happening for no reason.
31:59 Speaker 02 Well, when they're accusing of us of copying, this is the part I want to bring up. It's like, you got it out of a book.
32:04 Speaker 03 Like, it was out of a kids, out of a kids slash tweens prank section from a small magazine.
32:10 Speaker 02 Yes.
32:10 Speaker 03 That comes with a Beyblade or something.
32:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, so take it up with them.
32:14 Speaker 03 Take it up with them, yeah, they're the ones that told us to do it.
32:18 Speaker 03 Can I just say on the hat front, again, I assume most people know what we're talking about here. I invested a lot of man hours in making the hats.
32:25 Speaker 02 Well.
32:26 Speaker 03 And, well, mate, I did stay up all night to stay fling together denim. I mean, it wasn't my favourite thing to do. Someone brought to my attention that there is a current Guinness World Record for the tallest hat. And the tallest hat is, I think we've got the email here somewhere. And we'll get back to my proposal in a second. But the tallest hat, one, one thing that interested me was it's not that tall.
32:54 Speaker 02 I saw the picture. Okay, well, before, before you say it, then what we'd, we think the tallest hat would be. Yeah, and what we'd be bothered trying to make.
33:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:03 Speaker 02 I reckon if it's more than like, I'm thinking of a 10 metre diving board at the pool. Well, yeah, if it's, if it's bigger than that, let's not bother making it.
33:13 Speaker 03 10 metres, mate, remember, it can only be on your head. Think of structurally how difficult that is to get that high.
33:18 Speaker 02 Just a few more staples.
33:20 Speaker 03 Mate, well, this is the thing. I mean, I guess I was where you were at too. It's 5.4 metres.
33:26 Speaker 05 We can beat that. I think we can beat that. I mean, we're not the.
33:29 Speaker 03 I know everyone just has a go at World Records, but we've got hats. We've never done it before. One thing I notice, I get it all the time. Everyone goes, you would have done World Records on radio. I was like, yeah. Look, it comes up all the time.
33:40 Speaker 05 But let's not, let's not bother getting the guy out with the.
33:43 Speaker 03 I don't care about him. I'm just gonna take his record.
33:45 Speaker 05 We don't actually have.
33:46 Speaker 03 We're not gonna take it.
33:47 Speaker 05 You're not the guy with the hat. He means the Guinness World Record.
33:49 Speaker 03 Oh, the Guinness person.
33:52 Speaker 05 Can you bring out the Guinness?
33:54 Speaker 03 Cause this guy's in America.
33:56 Speaker 05 Hey, man, just you know, all right, back to back, boys. Who's got the bigger hat?
34:02 Speaker 03 Damn it, you've got us. Sorry, our intel was that it needed to be 5.5, but you seem to have a big one. No, here's the other thing too, part of the record, and again, I just love Guinness for pretending that they're, they always pretend they're like this scientific organisation. Where really it's just to sell books, but they're like, rules.
34:20 Speaker 05 Yeah.
34:20 Speaker 03 You must be able to walk for 10 metres in the hat.
34:22 Speaker 05 Oh, that's interesting. That, well, that's what I was gonna say, cause what's this, I mean, what also discerns a hat? We could go to Bunnings and just get six metres of pipe, plastic pipe, put a brim on it.
34:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, you could, but I mean, it's gotta be on your head. That's the, it's the balance. That's the hard bit.
34:38 Speaker 05 Okay. And then, but could, are we allowed to, like, under the rules, not sure how deep you looked into it, but could we wear a neck brace?
34:45 Speaker 03 He doesn't seem to have a neck brace and I wouldn't have too much of a problem with having a neck brace. Anyway, one for mid-year if we're, if, if there's a lull.
34:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
34:55 Speaker 03 I'm not against breaking the hat height record this year, you know, and on the, on his little entry, it's like, you know, this guy's got it at 5.42 metres.
35:04 Speaker 05 Yeah.
35:05 Speaker 03 And then there's not even, even a picture of this. It just goes, and he's working on the world's longest shoe.
35:14 Speaker 03 Love that this guy looks at the edges of the human body and goes, what's the maximum length or height thing I could put on there? Don't tell me, he's also working on the longest gloves, but we'll have to. The world's deepest mittens. Well, I don't know how we've got onto this, but sorry, movies, movies, movies. We were not inspired by Scary Movie Three, but here's a movie. Here is legitimately something, park tallest hat, we'll do it later in the year.
35:40 Speaker 02 Okay.
35:41 Speaker 03 The movie Sneakers came on. Do you remember Sneakers? Robert Redford movie.
35:45 Speaker 02 You're too young, probably, Jack. Nah, I have never watched it. Swans, isn't it like all the birds of like?
35:51 Speaker 03 The flamingo party. Yeah, well, that's, yeah, that's, that's, so one of the guys is blind, but he's a computer hacker and he gets kidnapped and he remembers, he said it was like it went through a cocktail party. And they figure out that they took him past a pond of flamingos, which sounds like a cocktail party. Essentially, that's not the movie, Jack, that's not the movie, that's a bad, that's just a deep one for fans. What Sneakers is about, right, is Robert Redford runs a gang of kind of like hackers. You know, the nineties equivalent of hackers, like kind of espionage specialists. Who companies hire, like a bank would go to them and go try and break into our bank.
36:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:31 Speaker 03 And we're not telling any of the staff. And I'm the boss of the bank, I hire you, you have to try and break in. To test our security system. And I'm sure something equivalent happens like more and more these days in the real world, probably with cybersecurity. Anyway, then they go on and they get embroiled in like this, you know, government, like code breaking kind of cover up thing. That's not the bit I'm interested in. I was watching Sneakers and I was like, what a great job. But does anyone do this for small businesses? Cause the people that hire the sneakers are all like, you know, multinational banks and like big, like billions of dollars. What I would like to propose is if you run a small business. We will break in.
37:16 Speaker 03 Us three, we will rob you.
37:18 Speaker 05 Is it only online or you mean we will go to physical?
37:20 Speaker 03 No, no, that's the thing. No hacking. Not interested. It has to be using our skills, which is going to be like physically stealing something. It's all the thrill for us of getting to figure out how to steal something from a business, but, but we get the boss's blessing. You won't get in trouble. You're here to test our security.
37:36 Speaker 05 Yep.
37:37 Speaker 03 The rules obviously are nominate yourself if you've got a shop or, you know, maybe just one or two shops, small business. No, no target too small. Like, I don't care if, if we're coming in and we're like stealing a garlic bread.
37:50 Speaker 05 Yep.
37:50 Speaker 03 That's the job.
37:51 Speaker 05 So you're saying, tell us your business.
37:53 Speaker 03 Tell us your business. You can't tell the staff. You can't tell the staff.
37:56 Speaker 05 Tell us the item.
37:58 Speaker 03 Well, this will have to happen off air, I think. So if someone goes, okay, I run a nursery. I want you to come and try and steal a hundred dollar plant.
38:05 Speaker 05 Yep.
38:06 Speaker 03 And just see how hard it is.
38:07 Speaker 05 Yep.
38:07 Speaker 03 That becomes our job.
38:08 Speaker 05 Great.
38:09 Speaker 03 Then we have to go and heist this hundred dollar plant.
38:11 Speaker 05 Yep.
38:12 Speaker 03 I think we're gonna have to, you know, we have to vet the people that apply. We have to be really sure they haven't told the staff, because.
38:18 Speaker 05 Oh, I also think the other part I was gonna say. They actually work there. We really need to be honest. Sure, it's the actual boss. We could kill you from the Commonwealth Bank on Bourne Road.
38:33 Speaker 05 And then bring it to me and drop it off.
38:35 Speaker 03 You sure we can bring a fake, fake gun into the store?
38:38 Speaker 05 No doubt.
38:38 Speaker 03 We do all the time.
38:39 Speaker 05 Ten million.
38:43 Speaker 03 Or, hey, it's someone here from Spectacular Crocodile Tours. Love you to come, love you to come on the boat and put a hole in it. Okay, you're not from Original?
38:52 Speaker 05 Nope.
38:55 Speaker 03 Nope, I'm actually, I am the boss of Spectacular.
38:59 Speaker 05 Yes, so we will, we will background check.
39:01 Speaker 03 We'll have to check that you are the boss of the, yeah, of the nursery or the milk bar.
39:06 Speaker 05 That's easy done.
39:07 Speaker 03 And then this has to be appealing to you. This has to be a service that you would like to explore, that if you would like to see your security probed. Um, we can certainly do it for you. And then we get the fun of, um, of, of seeing how well we could pull off the heist.
39:21 Speaker 05 Love it. Love it. I mean.
39:23 Speaker 03 I told you it wasn't the week to start the tool hat.
39:25 Speaker 05 No. No, I thought all about it by the end of this.
39:29 Speaker 03 I think there's something else much more important to do.
39:32 Speaker 05 Just hit us up, hamishandandy.com with the usual, we won't, we won't put a bespoke form up.
39:37 Speaker 03 Just. No, just the usual, usual channels, we'll pick one. And then this will probably go quiet for a bit because.
39:42 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, we'll go.
39:42 Speaker 03 We can't give updates because you don't want, staff members could listen and we don't want to, you know, that will compromise the mission.
Previous 2025 Ep 283 - Will Jack Play Fair or Play Foul? Next 2025 Ep 285 - Hamish’s inadvisable medical manoeuvre Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated