Why Am I Always on the Edge?

Dr. Becky spent two hours in a Reddit thread literally called "Nothing Works" and pulled three real posts to build this episode.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There's just something about summer that makes parents think, maybe this is the time to finally tackle potty training. And if that's where you are right now, I want to offer a minor reframe. Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now, I know what you're thinking, um, Dr. Becky, what do you mean? Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them up and down on their own. And those moments of, I did it, really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa Pig Designs, which if you have a toddler,

• 0:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  you know can make almost anything more exciting. And because accidents are part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect day and night, which means less stress for you and more room to focus on helping your child learn. The goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to help your kid feel more capable. And I like that Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that. We've partnered with Emily Oster, economist and founder of Parent Data, to bring exclusive pregnancy and baby content to the Good Inside app. Yes, Emily herself will be inside the app. To celebrate the launch, we've got a limited time offer. Join Good Inside on an annual membership and we'll gift you a full year of Parent Data, Emily Oster's membership program. Good Inside and Parent Data together, it's kind of the ultimate two for one.

• 1:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Redeem this offer at goodinside.com. My kid slaps me in the face, smacks me, punches me, scratches me. She hits other people, she hits other kids. I try so hard and nothing works. I found a thread on Reddit called, "Nothing Works." I read all of these impossible parenting situations and this morning for two hours, I went deep into that thread. And I want to start with sharing my reaction to all of them because maybe it's going to be the least useful thing I could say, but it is 100% the truth. Yeah, you're right. Each of those parents were right. Nothing works. In the situations I read, nothing would work for me either. Now, don't go anywhere because here is where I think things are about to get interesting

• 2:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  because two things can be true. Nothing works in those situations those parents were describing. And I feel extremely hopeful, oddly excited, about how that hitting, that smacking could stop, how this situation another parent described in the parking lot can get easier, how the 10 times of asking every question, oh, can become just one. So let me guess what you might be thinking. Dr. Becky, I'm listening to your podcast with you starting by admitting that nothing works? And at the same time, you're hopeful about change? How can those both be true? They will. Let's get into it.

• 2:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I remember the specific mom in my office who's a Dr. Becky. What do you do when you have three kids? And my baby is screaming her head off. My toddler has a Sharpie and is going to town on the one wallpapered room. I put money toward in my new house and my older kid is clinging to my leg like a baby screaming, "You never give me attention." You know what I told this mom in my office? I have no idea. Like, if you think I have a magic solution, I don't because it's an unwinnable situation. I would try to survive the moment without making it too much worse. And I remember the mom's sigh of relief because I think what she realized with me, and what I want to say to you directly, is in those types of situations,

• 3:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  whenever you're in a situation where nothing works, we are not talking about a moral failing. We are not talking about whether the parent is not cut out to be a parent. That's not what it is. And here's what it is, I think. And I think it's going to surprise you because it gives you a different way to see it. I think we have a timing issue. That's it, not a moral failing. A timing issue. And I hope that lands as good news because now you're not asking what's wrong with me. You're asking, am I intervening too late? It's a completely different question. And it's a question where you actually can come up with a helpful, effective solution. Because honestly, all of these situations, almost everything I read on Reddit, on Reddit, I'm not even going to correct myself.

• 4:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm just going to keep going. Do not edit that out. On Reddit, this morning, for two hours, all had the same shape, even though the specifics were different. Here's the shape of the question. Dr. Becky, my car is on a cliff. I am on the edge. What can you tell me to do to make sure I don't fall over, but I can safely back my car off that cliff? Now, here's my question to you. Why is your car always on the edge of a cliff?

• 5:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And can we figure out some exits? Given it seems like over and over, the road always ends in that cliff. Because if we exit sooner, we're not asking ourselves, what can I do in impossible situation? We're asking ourselves, how can I get to that impossible situation less often? Oh, that feels so much better. And that is actually exactly what we're going to think about today. There are so many parenting accounts out there that tell you what to do at the edge. I think that's why parenting online is exhausting because almost nobody is talking about the road to the cliff. Now, I want to be honest. You know, I'm not going to earmuffs bullshit you. Nothing comes for free in this world. So I want to tell you about the difference in the roads.

• 5:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The road to the cliff is smooth. It's beautiful. It's easy. It doesn't really ask much of you before you get to the cliff. And that's one of the reasons we all, me too, end up at the cliff. What kind of an autopilot on a smooth road?

• 6:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And every single exit, the things we're going to talk about today.

• 6:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And this metaphor, kind of like a bumpy gravelly road. If I said to you, do you want to drive on a smooth road or a bumpy gravel road? You'd say, um, smooth, please. But here's the question. Do you want to drive on a smooth, beautiful road to a cliff or a bumpy gravel road that doesn't end on a cliff? I don't know. Maybe not 100% of the time because sometimes I need a smooth road. But most of the time, I'm going to try to choose the gravel one that doesn't end there. And that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to go through three specific situations. I'm going to read them exactly from Reddit. So you know they're real. And we're going to talk about, maybe the issue isn't this parent. And maybe it's true that nothing works in that moment for everyone. Ooh, but maybe that's not a personality. Maybe it's a location.

• 6:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So maybe it's just a timing issue. All right, let's do it. Hitting. I can't take it anymore. My kid slaps me in the face, smacks me, punches me, scratches me. She hits other people. She hits other kids. I try so hard and nothing works. I take her out of the fun. I take her to timeout. I help her regulate. We talk about it and we check in on the person she hits. And still for months, the hitting continues. Recently, I've been grabbing her by the arm to prevent the hits. I firmly tell her, we do not hit. Please help, even if it's just solidarity.

• 7:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  First of all, first of all, oh, I mean that. Just get it out with me. Oh, so exhausting when you're in a stage like this. And I hear how hard this parent is trying. And if that parent is you, whether it's hitting or rudeness, whatever it is, that parent is all of us. Every parent in this situation is a parent who's trying hard. So just give yourself credit for that, okay? Almost everything on that list happens after the hitting. The timeout, the two minutes of regulating, the talk, the checking in on the person she hit. I don't think any of these are bad ideas. It's just that they're all in one category of intervention. They all happen after the hit. So when you're saying nothing works, I believe you. But again, I think it's a timing issue.

• 8:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  A kid already knows hitting is wrong. Knowing in your brain is never the missing part. What is really happening is in this kid's body, her body, maybe your kid's body, they've learned something. Frustration leads to a hit. Anger leads to a hit. When I can't be patient, it leads to a hit. So the next time that feeling shows up, if a kid hasn't by that exact point, learned a different thing to do when you're frustrated, angry, or trying to be patient, we can't really expect a different action. I'm not trying to say it's okay. I'm just talking about the order of operations. So let's back up and ask a different question. Why would a kid hit? Okay, so this situation.

• 9:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Maybe she's frustrated and doesn't have a good way yet to manage her frustration. She has all the frustration and none of the skills to manage the frustration. Frustration without skills leads to hit. So let's think about how to change that. I'm going to make up a story. I have a feeling it might be similar to what's actually going on for that mom, but definitely fill in the details differently in your house. 5:15 PM. Mommy, can I have a snack? No, honey, I'm making dinner. By the way, totally reasonable. Set that boundary. And my guess is for that kid, frustration that was at a level four is probably at a level six. 5:22, she's now trying to get your attention and you're on your phone. Now, let's be clear. I have my phone on my freaking podcast.

• 9:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  We're all on our phones sometimes, okay? We can all be distracted. It's not about blame. It's about the story of our kid. Oh, is the frustration now to level eight? Interesting. 5:29, she wants the thing her brother has right there in the kitchen. Or maybe she wants to be picked up. I don't know, right when you're carrying something hot. So of course, you're not going to do it. So you say, one minute.

• 10:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Now we have three small things that built that frustration higher. 5:30 PM, she hits you. She smacks her brother, whatever it is. Here's the thing I want you to see. That manifests at 5:30. All of it actually started before. Because now it's 5:31 and I'm taking her out of the fun. I'm giving the timeout. I'm making sure she checks in on her brother. I'm giving her the talk. All of it, it's just all after 5:30. And here's what I know, okay? I don't know one kid or an adult who's going to do this the next time. You know what? I'm frustrated and I feel like I'm going to hit. But hold on a second. So let's go back. Instead of thinking, what do I do after a kid hits? When it's true, nothing works. Is there a exit road?

• 10:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because I didn't even realize, starting at 5:15, my kid was on a road to hitting, a road to that cliff where I can help exit earlier. Just watch this moment. Mommy, can I have a snack? No, honey, I'm making dinner. I know what you're thinking. I'm not impressed, Dr. Becky. It's the same thing you said in the first situation. Wait.

• 11:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Oh, is it so annoying to want to snack and not have it? Do you want to stomp with me for a second? Right? And I'm gonna go like this while I'm kind of cooking. I'm so mad, so annoying. And if you're wondering, would I really do that? Did I do that when my kids are younger? Yeah, I did. Sometimes I give myself permission to do it when I'm alone in my kitchen because it feels good to get it out. Recommend you try the same thing. Now, all of a sudden, my kid, instead of the frustration building, we know when a kid has a way to get it out before it has to come out and hit. Doesn't make the frustration go to a zero, but it's a little bit of an exit road. Now, here's the thing I want you to know. You're gonna think it's unwarranted. My kid not that frustrated, Dr. Becky. Nothing happened yet. Exactly. My point.

• 11:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  We have to intervene when nothing happens yet. We have to kind of take frustration that's at a four and bring it down to a two, at a six and bring it down to a three. That's the only way that we both don't end up at that 530 cliff. Your kid cannot invent a new coping strategy at 530 when her frustration is at a 10 out of 10. Now, do I think we're at the point in the podcast where I'm about to get a flood of emails? Dr. Becky, that one thing you told is stop my kid from hitting forever. I think I'm gonna get zero of those emails, okay? But do I think this idea, even more than the stomping strategy? And this again is why I think it's so important in this world of constant parenting advice.

• 12:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  At Good Inside, we say frameworks over strategies. Do I think this framework, what happened before? Could I help my kid exit when it almost seems unwarranted? Do I think that could set off a positive change in your house across a much wider situation range than hitting? I do, and that actually excites me for you. Because of course, what she did, the hitting, isn't okay. But the truth is, the best way to intervene is figuring out an exit ramp before that situation could even happen. We don't change behavior by adding more consequences to it. Again, like we said, it doesn't even really make sense. We change behavior by understanding the preceding events

• 13:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  so that we can say, oh, maybe at one of those events, I could do something differently. I've just exited the road. And now, for any of you wondering, because I hear the thought, or maybe you're hearing your partner skeptical thought. I don't know, seems a little permissive. Are you basically saying the hitting is okay? Let me just say, 0% is the hitting okay. And 0% of my approach is permissive. I want you to think about yourself as a basketball coach, or maybe it's your partner who would want this metaphor. Think about if you're a basketball coach with a kid who always misses layups. You could add consequences, 100%. Go run a lap. Sit down, you're not playing the rest of the game. Look, if you miss one more layup, you're off the floor.

• 14:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or you could say after the game, hmm, maybe we need to get into the gym together. Maybe the kid's form is off. Now I'm paying more attention to what happened before the missed layups than after. Nobody watches that coach and says that coach is permissive. You know what we call that, coach? Effective. Nothing I told you is about reinforcing bad behavior. It's just about whether we're thinking about the moment and what happens after, or whether we're thinking about the moment and rewinding to focus on the causes so we can intervene then. And if anybody listening would like to call that soft, let's talk. I call it effective parenting. All right, ready for the next one? Meltdowns anywhere outside the house.

• 14:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My toddler is amazing at home, but has extreme meltdowns anytime we step somewhere. He's constantly active. He's been sleeping a lot less lately, and I'm starting to feel mentally exhausted and scared that maybe I caused this. It's especially awful at family gatherings or other people's homes. I just feel so isolated watching other toddlers just exist normally in public while I'm carrying a screaming kid back to the car, trying not to cry myself. Family members make comments, people stare. Everyone thinks could, everyone thinks kids should just adjust, but nobody talks about how mentally exhausting this is for the parent. Number one, I just have no words and I have a hug. I'm sorry, this is so hard. And mostly, I'm sorry that you're living somewhere

• 15:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  where you feel so much judgment around kind of a good kid having a hard time and a good mom who's having a hard time but cares enough to write all this out on Reddit to try to get some guidance from other parents who have been through it. So let's go back to this road metaphor and understand it that way. Your kid is perfectly calm and okay in your house. And then something happens outside the house, right? In the parking lot, to the grocery store, going to a family members, where things feel out of control. Now, one of the things this tells me about your kid is your kid has a hard time adjusting, is kind of slow to warm up to new situations. We can wait until that moment comes and kind of cross our fingers. Or, again, we can rewind.

• 16:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Let's say going to Aunt Sally's house is that moment on a cliff. You get there, your kid freaks out, you're carrying them out, everything feels awful. What could happen before we get to Aunt Sally's house? Here's just one example. What would happen the next time you go to Aunt Sally's house? Okay? You show pictures of what Aunt Sally's house looks like. Stay with me. I'm not talking about anything fancy. You say to Aunt Sally, can you snap a picture of the outside of your house and the entryway and the living room where we're gonna be sitting together? Fine, Aunt Sally can do that solid. And you show your kid. And the important thing before the picture is the story. I think you're a kid who likes to know what's happening

• 17:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  in a situation before you go in. You know, we're going to Aunt Sally's on Saturday, and I just thought it would be helpful to show you some pictures because, look, it's kind of weird to show up and not understand where you are. I think you're a kid who really likes to understand. It's kind of a cool thing about you. So this is what her door looks like. What do you notice? This is what her living room looks like. This is what her entryway looks like. And then you could actually make a little game. I actually thought about this before the episode. This is a brand new thought I'm having now as I'm talking, and I'm excited to share it with you. Ooh, do you see that blue pillow in the living room? Wonder if it'll be there when we get there? Huh. Maybe it's gonna be in a different place when we get there. You wanna see if you can find it? Ah.

• 17:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How many doorknobs do you notice in her house in these pictures? Oh, do you think there's more doorknobs in her house? Now, all of a sudden, instead of a situation feeling scary, first of all, you made an unfamiliar location familiar through pictures. Always brings anxiety a little down for some kids. And you've added a game element. Now, all of a sudden, your kid's gonna be thinking, I wonder where that blue pillow is? I wonder where the doorknobs are? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Now you're allowing your kid to explore and feel more comfortable in new places from the perspective of game and fun, which always makes things a little easier. Okay, the second idea I have for you that I think is another exit ramp. You know, I think this is a lot of kids. I've always had a soft spot in my career for the kids who are seen as the difficult kids.

• 18:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I really have. I think there's so much attention on the kid who gets hit, right? As an example, and don't get me wrong, that kid needs attention. But I used to always think, what about the kid who does the hitting? What about the kid where the family members do think, oh, why can't he be like the other kids? I think that kid needs protection. That kid needs protection from forming an identity as the bad, weird kid who can never have a win in life. We don't want that to happen and then kind of spiral from there. So I'm telling you something about your kid that might be a surprise. Your kid needs a win. And we need to make it small and almost control it to the level of being possible. So watch this. I want you to do that exact same exercise that we talked about with Aunt Sally's, but I don't know, going to some store. But you're not gonna go to the store and actually get things. No, not yet.

• 19:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's a level 10. You're at a level 1 for a win. We've got to get him a level 1 win. Hey, you know that store that we go to to get food? You know what we're gonna do today? We're gonna do a kind of funny game. We're gonna go into the store, and we are going to go in, and we're going to, and then fill in the blank, take a picture of the cash register together, touch this thing at the beginning of the store, and then we're gonna leave. What do you think? Can we do it? And if you're thinking, am I driving nine minutes to a store to have a 30-second experience to drive nine minutes home? You're right. 18 minutes and 30 seconds, that will pay off for a lifetime because you're gonna be able to say something you haven't said to your kid in a while. Wow, you did it.

• 20:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  We went somewhere new and you crushed it. You are a kid who can go to new places. You just need a little prep. And honestly, I'm a little bit like that, too. We're on a team together. Give your kid a win, then the next place is a minute. Then you get it, the next place can be two minutes. But when a kid is kind of on a roll of losses, it's easy to keep rolling down that hill. We've got to get your kid an easy win and get you guys feeling like you're on the same team celebrating to start going in a different direction, probably even before Aunt Sally's house.

• 20:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that time in summer when it's about 4:00 PM, you've been with your kids all day. You're drained because you're driving them everywhere. You've made snacks 15 times. And honestly, you want something around them that just feels like yours. Now, this is the part that gets a little serious, but stay with me. That's often a moment when a lot of parents reach for a glass of wine. And this is not a referendum on wine, but so many parents I know tell me, I don't even want to have it. I don't like the way it makes me feel in the moment or the next day. But I think what the real need is, is that we are looking for something adult. We are looking to hold something that tells us, I am not just a caregiver, setting up a slip and slide, and making my 19th meal of the day. And honestly, that's one of my favorite reasons for Element.

• 21:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  See, you can use Element as your adult summer drink. It can be just yours, not for the kids. And then it's 4:00 PM. And what you might be looking for isn't necessarily alcohol. You might be looking for something that just reminds you of you, that you're an adult, you're not only a caregiver, and you're allowed to have something of your own. Plus, the fact that it's healthy, no sugar, and actually hydrates you is going to take you through the rest of the day and help you stay calmer while it still meets that need. You can check out Element at drinklmnt.com/goodinside. That's drinklmnt.com/goodinside. When you're a parent, summer can feel like it's all about the kids,

• 22:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  which can be so joyful. And also, you sometimes just want time for yourself. You want to swap your running around shoes for your favorite sandals and talk to your friends about what's been on your mind that has nothing to do with your kids. That's why I loved my trip to LA this summer. I visited some of my amazing friends in California. We had a fabulous dinner where we could have candid conversations about the realities of motherhood. And we found the most amazing home on Airbnb with views of the city and a beautiful pool, a space where we could stop feeling like just moms for a while and connect to who we are alongside that. And the best part? The stunning kitchen where my friend Caro put together the most incredible dinner. We were so grateful for the hosts who listed their home on Airbnb

• 22:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  because we were able to connect in their space. And it made me think about all the families traveling away from home this summer and the opportunities for connection those empty spaces could bring. If you have summer travel plans, you could list your home on Airbnb and maybe give another great group of moms the much-needed retreat they're craving. It's a great way to earn some extra money to put toward your own travel. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 23:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, last one. You ready? I can't handle this arguing. I get it. Okay, I genuinely can't handle the arguing anymore. For the last five months, my son has been a nightmare. Capital nightmare. Like, he can be such a sweet kid, and he's so gentle and kind. And then suddenly, I'm considering dropping off at my parents and throwing my phone off a cliff. And he's always arguing. Here's an example. Mommy, can I go outside with daddy? No, baby, not right now. Daddy is letting the dogs to go potty, and he'll be right back. I mean, it's too dark and too cold for my kid to go out. Followed immediately with literally 10 minutes of, no, I said, I want to go outside. I want to go outside, over and over and over. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried consequences for arguing. I've tried taking a calm down break in his bed.

• 24:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I've tried taking something away. I've tried explaining why I can say no. I've tried saying, I will not argue with you. Nothing works. I don't know if I'm failing as a mother, or if my kid is evil, or if all toddlers are just the worst people you'll ever meet. For context, because I'm sure it matters. I'm a stay-at-home mom. Dad works 5 to 5. We have two dogs and a cat, and I'm seven months pregnant.

• 24:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I just want to first disconfirm all of those fears. Okay, nothing's wrong with your kid. Your kid is not evil. Nothing's wrong with you. All toddlers are challenging, but I promise you, they're not all kind of gremlins trying to drive us crazy. They are young kids perceiving every single thing around them. Toddlers actually perceive more than we do. And they're unable to make sense of it without us. So, they can act like gremlins. Now, I want to actually start with a small detail, okay? But to me, it's how I heard everything else. He's been like this for five months. You might have heard that. Yeah, a long time, but wait. She's seven months pregnant. Quick math, 7 minus 5, 2. It's math I can feel good about.

• 25:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Five months ago was probably when, often, especially in a second pregnancy, you start to show. Or you start to talk about it a little more, and your kid picks up. Am I saying every single thing is about her pregnancy? No, every single thing is never about one thing. But I think a huge percentage of what she's saying is related to this, and the timing really adds up. So, let me tell you why. Pregnancy rocks a toddler's world. Rocks it. Now, I have three kids. I don't think you're messing up your kid by having more children. That's so not where I'm going. Two things can be true. Have as many kids as you want, and pregnancy really does a number on a toddler, as does having a baby. Because think about it this way. Let's say five months ago, your husband, your wife, whoever you live with, a friend,

• 26:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  starts wearing shirts that have a lot of mentions of Australia on them. Okay, that's weird. All right. Then after that, you're looking at his computer. There's a lot of homes in Australia. Okay, by the way, for those of you in Australia, plug in a different country. And then you notice a big purchase, a flight. Guess where? To Australia. No one's talking about it. I want to know what happens in your house next. Here's what would happen in my house. I'll make it personal. I'd argue with my husband about everything. Everything. The dishwasher, what time he's leaving, what time I'm leaving, whether or not he remembered to text me back when I asked him. And at the same time as I'm arguing, you know what else I'd be doing? Clinging to him. Don't go to work. Please don't go to work.

• 26:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Please don't go walk our dog. Both at once, which is confusing for everyone, except I have a feeling you're listening to me, kind of laughing, thinking, yeah, oddly, both of those behaviors make sense. You're so pissed at him. Is some Australia thing happening? You're not talking to me? But you're also so needy of him. Hold on, is this Australia thing happening? And I don't even know if I'm going with you. So, should I just get all the time with you that I can? And you know what would happen is if I wait to that moment, I'm clinging to him to try to do something productive. You know what I'd say to you? Nothing works.

• 27:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because the moment I'm clinging, or the argument about the dishwasher over and over is not really what we're talking about. What I have to do in a calm moment is say, hey, like, are you moving to Australia? And am I coming with you? It's happening. What about our kids? What's going to be the same? What's going to be different? Do you have some secret love affair with Australia you'd like to tell me about? Seems like a pretty big part of your life. All of this means intervening way before the argument, way before the thing happens. I'm probably still going to get to that cliff if a big change is coming, but you better bet I won't get there as often if we have an earlier exit. Okay, so what does this mean for this family? I'm obsessed with same and different lists.

• 28:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Obsessed. You can use it in a million situations. So, keep listening, even if you're past the stage of having a new baby. Anytime there's a big change, it could be the start of school. It could be a move, so many things. Definitely when you're pregnant. First of all, name this to your toddler. I think people get advice. They don't notice. They notice. Their eyesight is at your belly. They notice when you miss one word in a story. You don't think they notice your body changing? And the words baby, doctor, all the time? They do. Change doesn't scare kids. Unexplained change scares kids. And then they act it out. So, say it. Tell the truth. There's going to be a baby. And that's confusing for a kid, right? What? By the way, it's kind of still confusing for me. There's a growing human inside me. It's going to come out of my vagina?

• 29:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like, what is this thing? Definitely confuses a toddler. When you do a same and different list, you help them organize it. So, after you've told them, say something like this. When the baby comes, there's going to be a lot that stays the same. And there's going to be a lot that's different. Let's make a list. And then, yes, get out a piece of paper, not on your phone. A piece of paper. Don't make it pretty. Just write same, line down the middle, middle-ish, different. And then start to write things on the same list. But these you have to make so stupid, so small. You know what's going to stay the same? I'm still going to be your mommy. Still going to be your mommy. And if you have a daddy, daddy is still going to be your daddy. Your mama's still going to be your mama, whatever the family structure is.

• 29:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Daddy, I'm still going to read you books at night. Books at night. We're still going to have waffles for breakfast. On the same list, you should write waffles. That's it. There are going to be some things that are different. And this is so important. You know what does not go on the different list? You're going to have more love. Okay, that's a hallmark card. And not helpful. It's also not really true. I'm sorry, I'm just going to say it. Having a new baby in the family is basically not so enjoyable for a toddler for a while. And I'm not afraid to say that because long-term, I think it's great for them. But a kind of blob for a while who cries and just needs things from their parents and doesn't really smile or play, it's not really helpful in the toddler world. So, just be honest. Some things are going to be different.

• 30:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You don't have to go down a rabbit hole and write down everything I just said. But what I would say is something like this. I'm going to be the baby on the couch sometimes. You're totally going to come over and say, can we do blocks?

• 30:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I might not be able to play blocks when I'm feeding. Different list. Feeding baby. Maybe has to wait longer for blocks. Now, is your kid going to look at this list and say, oh, I don't think I'm going to argue anymore or cling to daddy anymore? Zero, okay? But it's going to help organize his world. One last thing about same and different. End with something on the same. It's just helpful. It's so grounding. End what will always be the same is we will stay in this house. We will give you a hug every morning. Every exit off the road that leads to a cliff is going to be met with a thought, I don't think this is warranted yet. I don't think I need this yet. People who don't end up at the cliff as often aren't morally superior.

• 31:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  They just exit earlier before they think they need to. All right. All right. Honestly, I can't think of a better episode to illustrate what Good Inside actually does, because I think this is it. First of all, we always remember you're a good parent, because you are. We always remember you have a good kid. I promise you do. And we look at behavior as a kid who doesn't have skills yet to do things differently, which makes Good Inside a lot like teaching a kid to swim or how to shoot a layup, because it means you need the right skills and you need the right timing to teach those skills. Right? We don't teach kids how to swim in the ocean. We teach them in a little training pool. We don't teach kids how to make a better layup in the middle of a game. We do it earlier in practice.

• 32:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? And unless you were the one person in all of humanity who went to a high school that had a class called what you need to know about child development, the myths of parenting, what actually works and the timing that actually is impactful with your child, you didn't learn this. I mean, I definitely didn't have that class either. So here's what we do, right? We help you see a situation differently. We name a skill your kid is missing. And then we give you things for the moments you're on the cliff, because me too, we're going to get there. But the list of things as parents we need for things to do on a cliff should be way shorter than things to do to get off the road, to exit before we get there, because it's not about morality or personality. It's about timing.

• 32:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So on that topic of timing, it feels only appropriate to make sure you know that school is coming for most people. It just started for some people. It's starting in a few weeks, somewhere there. And I think this is one of the exact examples that fits this metaphor. So stay with me. Look, I'm like, yeah, have a good first week at school. But part of me used to think, like, who cares? Let me just enjoy summer. My kid will have a hard first week at school. We'll get over it. But the cliff in that metaphor is in September. In September, even if you have a rough first week, it's still kind of on that road. It's smooth. Nothing's that wrong yet. But here's what I want to make sure you know. In the first week, your kid is deciding something about themselves. I'm a kid who can do the school thing?

• 33:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or I'm a kid where school is too hard for me? And then your kid carries those thoughts all fall. And then October comes or November. And then it's, oh, my goodness. Why am I fighting with my kid every day about getting to school? Why are we having meltdowns after school every day? And I know people say that's normal, but these are their role. Why is my kid protesting sleep all of a sudden? And saying they don't want to go to school? None of that starts in November. It surfaces then. But it starts now in August and September. That's why I'm doing my back to school program. It's the exit.

• 34:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And again, every exit you take is going to have the thought, I don't need to do this. This is unwarranted. This feels premature. Exits always feel premature as compared to the destination a road is leading to. That's just how driving works. And so, look, I also have to say, you might have the kind of kid who transitions smoothly to everything. I really mean this. I'm not being facetious. I have three kids. One of my kids is kind of like that. Two are not. And so if you have any kids, like the two of mine, who that doesn't always happen, then I've got you to check out my back to school program, because I don't want you to get to that nothing works stage with school this year. And I kind of know there's a way not to.

• 35:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So you can go to goodinside.com. You can check the link in the show notes. It's all there for our back to school program, which doesn't require a membership. I'm so excited for you to check it out. All right. Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground and place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. Cheering you on, always believing in you. Looking forward to seeing you next time.

• 35:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Here's an inconvenient truth about parenting. As soon as you get the hang of something, your kid changes. And that's part of why feeding can feel so overwhelming. One day, your baby loves mashed bananas. The next, they only want sweet potato. And then your pediatrician is telling you they're ready to move on from purees. And meanwhile, you're thinking, how is everything changing so quickly? This is one of the reasons I appreciate Little Spoon. They built their whole lineup around the first thousand days, this incredibly important window for your baby's growth and development. Everything is designed for the stage your kid is in. Their organic formula is made with grass-fed whole milk. Baby blends are organic purees for starting solids. And bitables are pinchable meals for toddlers learning to self-feed.

• 36:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Plus, every single batch of Little Spoon's baby and toddler foods is tested for more than 500 contaminants and heavy metals. And they publicly share their testing standards. And right now, you can get 50% off your first order at littlespoon.com/rattled with code rattled. That's littlespoon.com/rattled, code rattled for 50% off. Hi, quick thing. Check out Good Inside's back to school program. Lessons, scripts, guides for the moments that decide how the rest of the year feels. The first day, the morning, the drop off, after school, confidence, friendship, and even bullying. A one-time purchase also gives you access to our upcoming live workshop on August 19th with me.

• 37:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Links in the show notes.