Not All Roman Emperors Are Visible | Claudius (Part 1)

Nobody Suspects The Disabled Emperor! Claudius (Part One) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh Chapters: 00:00 - Lights Out, Night Night 04:35 - Iraqus 10:44 - The First Phrenology 15:05 - Fuckus! 18:56 - He’s Clapped 22:36 - Grow Up! 29:39 - Eamonn Holmes 33:41 - Stephen Hornkins 37:14 - Ben Dover 46:13 - Woofus Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Welcome back to Fin vs History. Joining me is Horatio Gould. I'm the Emperor. Today, we're talking about Claudius. We're back in ancient Rome. These have been some of my favourite episodes.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  Yes. This is, we're going back to the ancient world, but these are very much the lily pads in which you feel safe, right?

• 0:57Speaker 01

  I love the Roman emperors.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  It's the only place that you feel you can, it's the, it's the wall of the ice rink which you can hold on to in the ancient world.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  It's the only place where I get to explore the ancient world where you're not half asleep or purposely nosediving the podcast.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  I don't think that's fair. I think, I think I found, I found a prehistoric statue of a guy doing a Hitler salute.

• 1:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  That really fired me up. That got me through that episode.

• 1:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, you're very, very much so.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  We're talking about Claudius today.

• 1:25Speaker 02

  And we're also, sorry, we're dressed as the sofa today.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  We are dressed as the sofa. And I, before anyone comments, I'm aware that there will be a lot of gunt on show in this episode.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  You're a gun buncher.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  My gunt is bunching in this suit. There's a lot of material in it. I'm essentially dressed as a Court Roy Curtain and I apologise to any ladies watching, but my gunt is punched.

• 1:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. But it sort of looks like we're like, kind of hitmen who are trying to hide.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  In the sofa.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  In the sofa. We're trying to, we're dressed up as one of the cushions. I mean, I'm dressed as the sofa cushion, you're dressed as the wall.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  We're assassins at a Nigerian wedding.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  We're going, what are they wearing? We're gonna have to dress as they do. Yes, I do, for anyone looking, I've got a lot of room in the fooper. My pussy area is not as fat as it looks in this suit. But we digress, we need to talk about Claudius. Okay, so we have, previously, we've talked about Nero, who is the emperor after Claudius, and we've talked about Caligula. Probably our wildest episode, I'd say, was Caligula. And this, sort of, this episode will be a kind of sequel. It will be, you know, where are we?

• 2:33Speaker 02

  Well, this is, so this is the emperor, Claudius is between Caligula and Nero. It betwixt the mad cunts, basically.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Yes, Caligula and Nero are bywords for tyranny. And, but Claudius is kind of the hipster's choice.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  I think so. He's my favourite emperor we've looked at so far. I think it's a very interesting story. It doesn't follow the normal narratives, because a lot of Roman emperors, they're either like chads.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Or they're just mental.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  With no real light and shade, it's just, I marry my whore, it's just a zany fucking-

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Well, I'll fuck you then.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I fucked everyone's wives, I burned it all down. There's not really any sort of nuance there. It's just full throttle, I'm mental. But Claudius has a lot, his whole life story is very, it's kind of the most interesting character.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  It's a very unique story, actually.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  I'd say so.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Of any ruler, really. But we ended the last episode with Caligula. Now, Caligula had been a promising early leader. He'd been raised on Tiberius, who was Epstein, Epsteinius.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Epstein's Island.

• 3:32Speaker 02

  So it's not been a great, yeah, the track record so far for Epstein.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  No, it goes Blair, paedophile, mad cunt.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  Claudius, mad cunt.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  That's, and we're, and Caligula had been assassinated by his Praetorian guard. He'd been a promising ruler, but then he'd had a stroke and he'd, the stroke had pushed down on the paedophile bit of his brain. And the foreign accent syndrome.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  So he'd gone to sleep a Caligula, he'd woken up a Kaurigara.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  Yes, yes.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  He was then assassinated by his Praetorian guard.

• 3:59Speaker 02

  Because he was fast bowling babies against the wall, was he not?

• 4:03Speaker 01

  No, they then took his baby and they Cambodian cricketed it into a wall.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, so, yeah, it's the long road to Pol Pot.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Bowling babies against trees in Cambodia. They took Caligula's son, they killed his wife and they take his son and they play, squash with it, I think, was the, was what the term you used. They trucked his little baby, lights out, night night. But hiding behind the curtain. In the corridor where Caligula was assassinated.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  Quivering.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Quivering, drooling. Was a disabled man with tourette's who would go on to inherit the Roman Empire against all the odds.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  But who is this man?

• 4:43Speaker 02

  How did we end up?

• 4:44Speaker 01

  How did we get here?

• 4:47Speaker 01

  You're probably wondering, you're probably wondering how I got here. That's how Claudius would say. So Claudius is discovered quivering underneath the curtain.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  A coward.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  A coward.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  I love, and I love a coward. Historically, there's something brilliant. Heroes write most of history.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  True.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  But it's nice when you see a true quivering coward. There's something inherently funny about someone who's truly cowardly.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Yes. And that he then goes on to become emperor in a, in a world of, you know. Chads. I mean, as, as you.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  It's not a very woke time.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  As you've said, part of the reason I like the Roman emperors is incredibly binary.

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Masculine.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Fascistic time.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Men with big chins.

• 5:31Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  And broad chests chucking babies against walls.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, it could be like, it's far from woke as you can sort of get the Roman era. There's none of, the idea of social justice is just so far. It's about how many barbarians have you suppressed.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  You know, any form of weakness is seen as, as weakness.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  I tell you what is quite woke is that only the Praetorian guards are allowed to have a sword in the, in the city of Rome.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  That's quite woke.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  That's like in America, I go, I can't, well, you mean, I can't take them to school?

• 5:59Speaker 02

  That's red tape for sure.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  It definitely is, you know, they don't have an open carry policy in Rome.

• 6:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  So again, let's just refresh the Roman emperor timeline. Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon at some point, then Augustus, Blair, the Titan. He is the sort of, he becomes a god. He adopts an old man, Tiberius, who then becomes a paedophile.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Epstein.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  On an island in Capri. Now, living on, growing up on this island is, is Caligula.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  When Caligula is assassinated, Claudius is discovered behind the curtain quivering. Now, he is born Claudius on August the 1st, 10 B.C. And like any Roman emperor or Brazilian footballer, he has too many names. And they're also all the names of other people in this story. So I'm not actually going to say what his name is because it's just going to confuse us.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  You all have each other's names.

• 6:50Speaker 01

  It's going to be two.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  I'll be Horatio called Charlie Milner Finn Taylor. That'd be my name.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Horatio. It's too much. Anyway, so he's born in modern day Leon Lugdunum. And he is the first emperor to be born outside of Italy. Now, his, he's blue blood in terms of Roman stock.

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  His, he, the Julio Claudian line.

• 7:10Speaker 02

  Which is very important.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Ladies.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  How many times must I warn you? You're not welcome here.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  Okay, wear two pairs of pants if you're tuning in.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  We're discussing the Julio Claudian line. His father is Nero Claudius Druusus. That, his parents, Olivia Druusilla, who is married to Augustus. And Tiberius Claudius Nero. Now, that is the last three emperors, but that adds none of them. Okay, so that's like, that's like Robinio being called Ronaldinho Ronaldo Rivaldo.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  He's nothing to do with them.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Or Keir Starmer called Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, David Cameron.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Yes. Yeah, forget all of them.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  His mother is Antonia the Younger. And her parents are Octavia the Younger, who's Augustus's sister.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  Right.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  And Mark Antony.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  Right.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Cleopatra's, the personal trainer who lives in Dubai.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  So the Julian Claudian line, that's because it went from a public to an emperor. It's about trying to trace it back to either Julius Caesar or more importantly, Augustus.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  Who was such a successful ruler. He calmed everything down. And it's basically, all of these emperors are trying to state their claim to going back to Augustus.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  It's the opposite of Tony Blair. Who was as successful, but everyone's trying to distance themselves from him. So it's like, how much stock have you got in the Labour Party? Well, how close were you to Blair?

• 8:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  So Claudius is a descendant of Julius Caesar through the Julian line. Which is very important. Now, he has two older siblings. One of them is Germanicus, who is Caligula's dad.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Germanicus is the popular general hero.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  He had a lot of success in Germany, so he got the name.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Germanicus and.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  So Tony Blair would, if he's been successful, be called Arachicus?

• 9:00Speaker 01

  No, he'd be called Kosovus, Kosovus. He'd be called Sierra Leonius and Northern Arundus. That's Tony Blair, okay? We must not just judge him by Arachus.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  You know, Germanicus is not called, I don't know, fucking Goliath.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Right?

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Because he's defined by his successors.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  Personally, I see Tony Blair as Kosovus Sierra Leonius Northern Arundus. Yeah, short starters.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. Minimum wage us, civil union us, okay? There's lots of us's in Tony Blair's name that's not Arachus.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  Universitius.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  Universitius.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  Polytechnicus, yeah? He did a lot, he did a lot. Anyway.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the HouseMajorityPac.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  He built the first planet-wide media empire.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power, and legacy.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  Join me, Dorian Linsky.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.

• 10:37Speaker 03

  That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  Whereas Cameron is Brexitus.

• 10:47Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. Brexitus is serious.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  He's also gay marriages.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Gay marriages.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Which often doesn't get credited, but he's actually hard calling gay marriages.

• 10:54Speaker 01

  Well, I'd call him Brexitus gay marriages.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  And then John Major is sodomus.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Sodomus.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  He legalized sodomy.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  He did. We must never forget.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  The John Major.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  The rot begins with Major, okay? The fucking barn doors flew off when Major legalized... Did he? No, he decriminalised it.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  Decriminalised, I think.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  It's very late, isn't it?

• 11:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Nineties, the nineties.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  So is it like you're not allowed to deal sodomy, but you're allowed to...

• 11:19Speaker 01

  You can do it in your own home.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  But you can't be a sodomite dealer?

• 11:23Speaker 01

  No, you can't be buggering someone in a public car park. What's a buggerie? Is that... That's public sodomy, isn't it?

• 11:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Charlie, could you just find out the legal definitions of buggerie, sodomy, and then just homosexuality?

• 11:36Speaker 02

  All I know is that any privately educated man of a certain age has been buggered.

• 11:40Speaker 05

  Any, um... Buggerie is a specialised British English word that refers to anal sex and sometimes other non-procreative sexual acts.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Now, that's it. I remember Joan McNally even came on saying that buggerie is technically cunnilingus, which is very funny.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Just to walk in on a man going down, "Stop that buggerie now. What are you doing? Wash your mouth out, you bugger." Yes. Claudius is... His dad is Germanicus, who is Caligula's dad.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  Caligula.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  Sorry. His brother is Germanicus, whose dad is... Whose son is Caligula. Now, Corrigora.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  If you've not heard that episode, maybe, maybe, maybe listen to that one first. He is the emperor, and so he then goes on this huge killing spree where he sort of purges

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  any potential rival. But Claudius is never purged. And why is that?

• 12:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  At some point in Claudius's early childhood, he becomes very ill. And we don't really know... Historians are trying to work out what the modern day equivalent of this would be. But his symptoms are partially deaf, a stutter, a limp, and a constantly running nose and drooling at the time.

• 12:57Speaker 02

  He also laughed inappropriately.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  While drawing.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  So now-

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Basically, if he was born now, he'd have a Channel 4 series.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Oh, he'd be the commissioner of Channel 4.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  But this is a very, very different time, and the view of disability is the opposite of the view of disability now.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  I disagree.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  I think it's actually quite a sophisticated understanding of disability because-

• 13:20Speaker 02

  I didn't say it wasn't sophisticated, I said it's the opposite of that.

• 13:22Speaker 01

  No, I disagree.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Because essentially, when you then find out that he wrote several books, he's clearly not mentally disabled, he just looks clapped. He's just a bit of a nerd.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Nowadays, I would say we're getting very close to a stage where nerds are identifying as disabled.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  In that if you let that autism, if you plough that furrow too far, you will just push through to just people who are just a bit nerdy. If you broaden the autism spectrum so much, as you've often talked about how you prefer a disability that's binary.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, traffic-

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Traffic light system.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  What is it again?

• 14:03Speaker 02

  Green, normal, yellow, bit odd, red, Down syndrome.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  Perfect. I know where I stand. I know where I stand.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Green, yellow, red.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. We've got the full traffic light system here on Ten Versus History. Okay. Now, exactly, under the 2010 Act, right, under the 2010 Disability Act, dyslexia's a disability.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  Well, I've got dyspraxia, so I'm disabled.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Yes, well, well-

• 14:28Speaker 02

  I'm a modern day glaucoma.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  But this is my point, is that in the 90s, you were not disabled, you were just wobbly, right?

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  In the 90s, you didn't have ADHD, you were just late.

• 14:37Speaker 02

  But then how is that similar to now? Because back then, they viewed it-

• 14:40Speaker 01

  They call him disabled when actually he's not, he's just a bit-

• 14:45Speaker 02

  It's not, yeah, but being called disabled now is a benefit in a way, because that's like, there's a bit of status there. There's no status for being disabled back then, is what I'm trying to say.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  I agree with that.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  The categorization, yeah, maybe they call it disabled, but if you're called disabled, it means that publicly, not only are you unvirtuous- It means-

• 15:06Speaker 01

  You're saying this is different to now?

• 15:09Speaker 01

  They didn't, you know, you didn't get like a, you didn't get a free tablet.

• 15:12Speaker 02

  They just, anything that reminds them of any sort of weakness-

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 15:15Speaker 02

  It means that you're openly allowed to be mocked, and not only that, what I enjoy about this period is physical disabilities that you can't help were viewed as moral failings.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Exactly, it's early phrenology.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  It's the, it's the long road to phrenology.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Right.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  It's your head is too big to have a job here.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  You can't work here.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  You can't command any respect because of the size of your forehead.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  Whereas now it's reverse phrenology, where it's like, your head's too big to work here. Do you want to be the boss?

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Oh my God, you've just crystallized what my problem with today is, is that it is reverse phrenology. It's taking everything that we work so hard for and, and flipping it and, and it's inverting science.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, you'd be terrible for this. Do you want it?

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Have it.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  You're clearly awful. Have, have, have the company. My point is, is that, uh, they actually, I suppose they're, uh, you know, I grew up in a world where disability had quite a high threshold to, and that threshold has been lowered.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Sure, sure.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  As I've got older.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  I see in the Roman age, they had quite a wide net for what it, basically if you weren't ripped and tall, you were disabled.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Which I feel like is the direction of travel.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Is horseshoe, right?

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  It's comeback round.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  So, but you're right in that the status is very different, you know, that he was not getting a free laptop or a free stone tablet or whatever. Basically, uh, he gives the impression that he's a, he's dim witted and unfit for public life.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Because to be fair, he's, he's got a constantly running nose and he's drooling all the time.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  And he limps.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  He limps.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  He's empty, he's drooling and he laughs.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like Charlie when he just laughs out of no reason. And to be fair, if you are voting for someone in the public office and they're just like, and there's a guy who's got really strong concerns about, about immigration, there's just a guy just constantly running nose, you go, you can't even stop your nose running, let alone the boats, you know? Where is it, Charlie?

• 17:06Speaker 05

  What's the equivalent to stolen valet if you pretend you're disabled?

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Oh, look around.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  The equivalent is the year 2026, okay? You just pop a sunflower land yard on and park where you want. Park where you want, shit where you want. That's a disgrace.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  Fuck who you want.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Thank you, you can do that.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  I got the, look at the lanyard.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Anyway, now, as you're saying, this is something that would not happen nowadays. Claudius's own mother describes her son as, quote, "an abortion of a man" "that had only been begun but never finished by nature."

• 17:41Speaker 02

  I mean, that's, that's pretty robust from a mother.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  That's 90s stuff, you know, that's, that's the era that I grew up in. That's, yeah, that's what, that's what you were saying in the playground.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Unfinished abortion.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  An abortion of a man. A monster, a man whom Mother Nature had begun work upon, but then flung aside.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  Basically a Greek.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  Unfinished, yeah.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  A Greek, a Greek guy, yeah. Mother Nature is Greek in this regard. Not today. Shall I finish his brain? Nah, not today. Now, modern historians suggest that Claudius may have suffered from cerebral palsy.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  So it's like in Breaking Bad, what's his name?

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Yes, Waltz, Waltz Jr.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  Walt Jr.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Autism and/or Tourette's.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  So I think I want to take autism out because we're, I feel that's like.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  Clouding the.

• 18:30Speaker 02

  Clouding it, I think it probably is, if he's like, I mean, Tourette's.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Fuck us.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Fuck us, cunt us.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Shit us, pisses.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can't be.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Cunt us, cunt us, cunt us.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Fuck us, fuck us, cunt us, fuck us.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Shit us, fuck us, cunt us.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, it, yeah, it doesn't really fit in with the, you can't be sitting in the senate. You know, doing that. Yeah, I suppose it's the long road to the BAFTAs, isn't it? Yeah, autism, I guess, doesn't really.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Fit, although, although he.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  He probably does have it, but I'm saying that it seems like the least of his worries.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Maybe in the Roman perspective, you know, I mean, dribbling isn't really autistic, is it?

• 19:12Speaker 02

  He's certainly got a physical ailments as well.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  But also a constantly running nose, what, what is that? I don't, what?

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Hay fever, I don't know.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, again, is that, is that where we're going today? Not going to get a free laptop for having hay fever.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  What's a constantly running nose? What's that part of?

• 19:31Speaker 02

  Lots of people have that though.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Just allergies?

• 19:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Chronic rhinorrhea.

• 19:37Speaker 05

  My mate had rhinitis and he had to sleep with a tape on his mouth.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  You've got so many mates. You've got so many mates and they're all fucked in their own way. Christ. You and the boys in the sunshine bus, I don't know. Chronically irritated nasal lining, but you know, it's similar to, there's people you just can't vote for. Because there's that old adage that, you know, most people, the general public at large, actually are voting for whether they want to go for a pint with the person.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  You know, and that was trust's great problem. It's like, I want to skip pints, just get straight to the bed.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  They're looking for someone who knows they want to blow.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's just like, I shouldn't be your carer.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  You know, so he's a young guy. He's pretty clapped, but in nine B.C.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  That's early.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  Early, early stuff. Nine B.C. His dad.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Do they ever say like, guys, we've got to stop having this view of disability. It's the year nine.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Guys, come on. This is so backward. How are we still talking about this in the year nine?

• 20:39Speaker 01

  But it's not the year nine, it's nine B.C.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Oh, fuck.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  So they wouldn't call it that.

• 20:42Speaker 05

  Minus nine.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  Hey?

• 20:43Speaker 05

  Minus nine.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  They wouldn't even know, but it was before, you're right.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:46Speaker 05

  But when it's zero.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  Well, no, because that's in crisis board.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  So what do they call nine B.C. in nine B.C.?

• 20:52Speaker 01

  That's an interesting question.

• 20:53Speaker 05

  They would have just relied on a universal numbering system. Name the years after the ruling monarchs, local magistrates or major events.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Okay, so it'd be just like year two collegial, year four.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  No, it'd be like the year of the horse.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  So Druza, anyway, Druza dies and they're like, we've got to have a war. Come on, you can't call him. You can't use that word, you know? It's the year nine B.C. And he's just shouting, fuck us, fuck us. Come on, you've got to accommodate him. He doesn't mean it, you know, it's an involuntary tic. So his dad falls off a horse whilst in Germania, and Claudius is a young, is an infant, I think, at this point. And so care gets handed over to his mother, who fucking hates him.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Can't stand him.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Mother can't stand him. He's an abortion, in her words.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  I like, I love how cruel the women are in ancient Rome as well.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  The women play a huge role in Rome and they seem to have a lot of power and they use that power for deeply dark reasons.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:55Speaker 05

  I think they, I think his name became a word for, like a slur.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  Like lame.

• 22:00Speaker 05

  Claudius became.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Claudius, interesting.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  Like Stephen Hawking.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  He is Stephenus Hawkingus, yeah. He was often weaponized to mock people with limited mobility or paralysis.

• 22:10Speaker 02

  Damn.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Brutal time.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  It is like British TV in the 2000s, basically.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, it is, yeah.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Fat families.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  His grandmother, Livia, basically was so ashamed by her grandson that she couldn't even look him in the fucking eye.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  So mum and, you're getting double, mum and grandma.

• 22:29Speaker 01

  Double team, mum and grandma.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  You don't have any, there's no one you're turning to.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  No, your, your emotional safe space is going, you are an abortion. And then you go to your granny, who's meant to go.

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Granny, that's granny.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  Granny, the grandmother, the nonna, Italian nonna.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  It's said that your grandma is the only person who truly wants you to do better than themselves in your whole life.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  True.

• 22:48Speaker 02

  But this granny says, I, this is a failed abortion.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  I pray aloud that the Roman people might be spared so cruel and undeserved a misfortune as to have him as their emperor.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  That's awesome.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  It's crazy. Now, she says this.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  That's a good nan.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  She says this, I have a lot of empathy with this because that's my nan as well.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Right, well, she liked that about you.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  She's a cruel Presbyterian. Yeah, she is. Now, she said this after there was this kind of, the myth of the eagle.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  So he's playing in the garden with his, with his siblings and then these eagles start circling above them. And they're fighting in the air over, like an injured wolf cub. And then the cub falls from the eagle's grasp into the arms of Claudius.

• 23:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  And that, then an oracle makes a prediction that he will become emperor.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Because the wolf represents Romulus and Remus.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, so similar to when a bride chucks the bouquet. Some eagles chuck a wolf cub and a disabled guy gets, huh?

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  And then they're like, well, you're going to become the protector of Rome.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  And then his grandma says, oh, that, I hope that doesn't happen. He's fucking disabled.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  He's clapped. That cannot happen. The poor Roman people do not deserve the misfortune of having my clapped grandson rather. So, um, he, as a result of this, because he's still sort of blue blood, and at this point in nine B.C., who is emperor? Is it Tiberius or Augustus?

• 24:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Is it Peter or Blair? Who's in power? It is all Blair's in power.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  So, and Augustus has a long and maybe the most successful reign. Someone's saying he's the greatest.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Things can only get better. Augustus is pressing the flesh outside Downing Street.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  Augustus is Blair if he didn't invade Iraq.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  That's it. That's what he is.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  God, imagine. He'd still be prime minister.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  You'll still think about it.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  He'd still be prime minister. He'd still be prime minister.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  In some ways he still is.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  He's still it. Well, he fucking still is. The amount of WhatsApps I got.

• 24:40Speaker 02

  When he came out.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  When he came out and he broke cover.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  This is your penis when Tony Blair.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Says anything in the Times.

• 24:48Speaker 02

  I'm listening.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  I got so many WhatsApps from people saying, fucking Blair's seen it.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  That's the circle you've, you've created.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Blair's seen it like a beach ball still.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, but also you're saying that like, God, it must be such a big, you've only selected people to hang out with who will message you that when Tony Blair, that's a very selective group.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  I don't give out my number to anyone.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  All of your WhatsApp groups are going to be people who have the exact same.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  Anyone to the left of David Miliband, I do not give out my number to.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  So, yeah, okay, Blair would, he's still see, he's still, he's the only guy, you know, who's still seeing things.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Still sees them clearly.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  The day that Blair dies and we lose his third eye, this country is completely ruined.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  But do you see, he, he can't keep his hand out the cookie jar. He said some interesting things about domestic policy, as he often does. But then he was like, it was a mistake not to join Trump and Iran. It's like, Blair.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  History is long.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Blair, you gotta fucking, you gotta realise, you, you've got your hand slapped. Stop going back there, brother.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  He can't help it. He's constructed. Look at him. Look at his peace. Look at his peace. He's dazed every morning. He's been whipped around his fucking nine bed Islington townhouse by that fucking piece of ass. He doesn't know what he's thinking, you know?

• 26:03Speaker 05

  Do you think Cherie told him off, Arag?

• 26:05Speaker 02

  I think in the documentaries, really, because Cherie gave up her own political career for Tony, so she's got a lot of her own.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  But also, there's a conspiracy theory that Cherie was actually running the show. And that Cherie was the puppet master for Blair.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  And that Cherie's actually...

• 26:20Speaker 02

  Cherie did 9/11.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  I don't think that's a conspiracy theory, yeah. But you had to hear first, folks, Cherie Blair did 9/11. Yep. She organised it. She wanted to go into Iraq, yeah? She'd always hated Saddam. And she orchestrated the 9/11 attacks so that her husband, who is nothing, really, you know? He's all mouth, no trousers. She's got the fucking trousers.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  She's weekend at Bernie-ing fucking Tony Blair.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Look, you can see in that photo, she's got her hand up his arse.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, like a puppet.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Playing him like a puppet, yeah? "We have to be close to America." That's her saying that. Ventriloquist, yeah? Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Anyway, yeah, Kosovus, Solaen Islandus, Cera Leonus. He is in power when Claudius isn't trusted with very few official responsibilities, because he's a little, sort of, clapped, disabled boy. And he's...

• 27:12Speaker 02

  His mother's words.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  His mother's words, sorry. Not my words, those are just his grandmother's words.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Fucked in the head, as his grandmother would say.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  No, he can't have an official role because he's completely fucked in the head. His bants is gone, but he throws...

• 27:25Speaker 02

  But his bants isn't gone, is it?

• 27:26Speaker 01

  It's not.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  It appears to be gone. And he's incredibly annoying, but his bants is not gone.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  The great question is how, you know, there's an idea that maybe he grows out of his disabilities, but...

• 27:38Speaker 02

  Does that happen?

• 27:39Speaker 01

  No, there's a theory...

• 27:41Speaker 02

  Are you saying that you have a disabled child and you're like, "I'll grow up"?

• 27:43Speaker 01

  Well, yes. But there's a theory that he learns that his underestimation is actually a sign of great strength. And he plays the fool.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  Yes, he's Tom Wambscam.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  He's Tom Wambsgamm in Succession.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  That's why he's a, that, that, that's the archetype that Claudius is.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  What is it, Charlie?

• 28:02Speaker 05

  Is he who the Emperor in Monty Python with the lisp is based on?

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Possibly.

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Could be.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  Possibly. I don't know. There's a big show, there's a big TV show called I Claudius in the seventies.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  My parents go on, it was apparently a huge deal.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  It was the equivalent of, of Succession, but in the seventies. And it's Derek Jacobi plays I Claudius.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  Who did Christopher Biggins play?

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Uh, maybe Caligula?

• 28:26Speaker 02

  When I was producing a live podcast, he was the guest.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  And that's when he came straight out and said that, uh, this is 10 seconds into meeting him, the whole room told him that, uh, Prince Charles was frequented gay clubs in the eighties. That was like, told everyone. 10 seconds in, pretty extraordinary entrance.

• 28:41Speaker 05

  We've covered that he would taste brilliant. Biggins.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  We have covered that he would taste brilliant. Can you find out what Biggins, uh, played in I Claudius?

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Yes, a suckling Biggins, I believe is what we said. Yeah.

• 28:52Speaker 05

  He played Nero.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  He played Nero? Okay. Biggins is Nero. Um, oh wow, look at a young Biggins. Gorgeous.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  Tastier when he's young.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  Oh, it's like veal. I would love to eat I Claudius hero, but era Biggins.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  He looks like sort of gay Rowan Atkinson in there. Delightful. Anyway, yeah, no, he's past, he's past.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wouldn't want to eat that Biggins.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  That's like an old dairy cow. Anyway, so he, he now, he's has a massive, he's a massive, um, history guy, Claudius.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, he, he doesn't, uh, show his history fans well, I don't think, seeing as he's like a sniveling nerd loser who can't go, uh, to fight in Europe and instead retreats to his book and goes, I'm going to become British, my history.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Well, it's, it is Dan Snowdram. He's got Dan Snowdram.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  But Dan Snow is a Chad. That's what's funny about him. He's a tall, booming voice. That's why he stands out in the history field.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Yes, he is.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Is because he's a rare case where he's actually, he, he, he's tall, strong. He looks like a, he's not a fucking nerd.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  Men wanna be him, women wanna fuck him. Dan, Dan Snow, you know?

• 29:59Speaker 02

  He's James Bond.

• 29:59Speaker 01

  He is. History's James Bonds, you know? No one's talking about Sandbrook or Holland, the next Bond. They're talking about Snow.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, Snow's in the run.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Snow's in the running. I'm putting my hat in the ring for Snow, right? Um, anyway, so.

• 30:14Speaker 05

  Who do you think the biggest Chad is in terms of kind of traditional? British broadcast, like Ben Fogel.

• 30:20Speaker 01

  Madley, Madley, Madley.

• 30:21Speaker 05

  Who's in the running?

• 30:22Speaker 01

  Madley, Madley is, Madley's bringing a knife to that fight.

• 30:26Speaker 02

  You think?

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 05

  Ben Fogel?

• 30:27Speaker 02

  Danny Dyer.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  Madley's, he's been in that El Salvador prison.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  I saw that.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, he's fucking people up.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  You reckon?

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely. He's got no.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  You think Madley's tasty in the fight?

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  He's got no social awareness.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  We're doing that really helps him.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's not, he's not, he doesn't hesitate, doesn't hesitate to ask the question, whatever's in his head. What's wrong with you then? He doesn't hesitate.

• 30:55Speaker 05

  Who's the one who really fell off? Ayman Holmes, he's fucked it, hasn't he? Isn't he quite ill actually?

• 30:59Speaker 01

  No, I think he's a bit naughty.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, naughty Holmes.

• 31:02Speaker 05

  He might be really unwell.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  I think Ayman's naughty. Anyway, we're in da, we're in danger of committing libel, which was.

• 31:09Speaker 05

  He's had a stroke.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Ayman Holmes has had a stroke. Okay, breaking news.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  Who's he stroked?

• 31:14Speaker 01

  No, enough. Breaking news, Ayman Holmes has had a stroke. I guess that's what you, I get, what?

• 31:23Speaker 05

  23 hours ago, he's issued a.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  23, he had a stroke, 23 hours ago, right, pause this, pause Claudius.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Breaking news.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  Men, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Oh my God, he's got Bates Brothers syndrome. Ayman Holmes has released.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Why is he so smug?

• 31:41Speaker 01

  No, I think that's the stroke. I really hope that's not a smug face.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Had worse Mondays? I've had a stroke. Right, wow. Okay, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Ayman Holmes has had a stroke.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  Get well soon, Ayman.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, from all of us here, Finn vs History.

• 32:01Speaker 02

  GB News will not be the same without you.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  I don't know why you're so fucking smug about it.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  Anyway, look, let's get back to Claudius's.

• 32:10Speaker 05

  He says he can't wait to be out of his gown and back into his suit and tie.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  That's what, that's what you think.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 32:47Speaker 03

  He built the first planet-wide media empire.

• 32:49Speaker 04

  He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.

• 32:54Speaker 03

  He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power and legacy.

• 32:59Speaker 04

  This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  Join me, Dorian Linsky.

• 33:04Speaker 04

  And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  So, yes, Claudius gets put under the tutelage of Livy, who is the big, he's like the first historian, or one of the first historians, a huge Roman historian. So he writes extensively. Now, I think his publisher asks him to write a history of the Etruscans, which is northern Italy. And they say, just keep it to two volumes, and then he writes 20.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  So he's mad for it. He loves it. And he then gets told off by his grandmother because he starts writing accounts, like academic accounts of Rome since Augustus. And that becomes, that's like family drama.

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  That's kind of airing the dirty laundry. So he has to abandon that sort of stuff.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  Because they damage his reputation. So he's sort of, he's politically isolated. He's dribbling, he's shouting fuckers, cuntus, every other word.

• 34:09Speaker 02

  But this is a classic, you do see this archetype in history of the kind of bullied nerd who then retreats to the books while all the chads play outside and bides his time and kind of develops skills.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  I'll show them.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  So Augustus dies in 14 AD. Now, they may have been calling it 14 at this point. They probably weren't actually. No, they definitely weren't. Because Jesus is 14.

• 34:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:39Speaker 05

  14 AD was called the year of the consulship of Pompeius and Apuleius.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:44Speaker 05

  A bit of a mouthful.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  That is a bit of a mouthful. I think, I think they did, I think the 14, the numbers are better.

• 34:49Speaker 02

  They're much better. It was a good system.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  Otherwise, this would be the fifth year of the consulship of the Cidicistans.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Do the Taliban use our time system?

• 34:58Speaker 01

  Don't know.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  Because it is kind of cucked for Taliban to use the time.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  Or is it like, is the year zero when they shot Malala in the head? And then everything since then?

• 35:07Speaker 05

  She's a Tory, did you know?

• 35:08Speaker 01

  She's a Tory?

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Doesn't surprise me.

• 35:10Speaker 05

  Malala's a Tory.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Well, I think, you know.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  She comes from very conservative country.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Yes, yeah. And also, I guess, if you've been shot in the head and then you go on to become, speak at the UN, you would think that's you, wouldn't you?

• 35:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  You know.

• 35:20Speaker 05

  So the current Islamic year is 1447 A.H.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  Oh, is that, so they use that as the?

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  Right, fair enough.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're about 600 behind.

• 35:27Speaker 02

  Right.

• 35:28Speaker 05

  Because it begins with the migration.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Yes, out of, yes.

• 35:31Speaker 05

  Of Mohammed from Mecca to Medina.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Fair play.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  So it's, it's the year 14 A.D., but if you're Muslim, it is the year 400, 600 B, B.M.?

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:43Speaker 05

  B.H.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Before.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  B.H. Who's H?

• 35:45Speaker 05

  Before, uh.

• 35:46Speaker 01

  Hajj?

• 35:47Speaker 05

  No, before Hijra.

• 35:49Speaker 02

  Hijra.

• 35:50Speaker 05

  I think.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Don't know who that is, but I'm sure he's great. Don't cut my head off. Okay, let's crack.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Just a little off the top, please, not the whole head.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Yep, just a haircut, please. I'd like a Turkish barber haircut, not a Saudi haircut.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Do you reckon if you get caught stealing in Saudi Arabia, you go, yeah, just a couple of the sides, please?

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Please, yeah.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Nothing off the top. Augustus dies in 14. Claudius is 23 at this point, and he appeals to his uncle, the new Emperor Tiberius.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  I mean, most uncles are creepy, and uncle's a creepy word, but this uncle is a paedophile of an island.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  Uncle Emperor Tiberius.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  Epstinus islandus, to allow him to begin his cursus honorum, which is a sort of the structured career path. I guess that's the, what would you say, that's like apprenticeship, or like joining the civil service and starting to work your way through up the machinery of government? Tiberius denies him, and then Claudius asks again, twice, and Tiberius says, no and no.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  Because you're fucked.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Because you're clapped.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  Fuck us.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Fuck us. So Claudius then focuses on his writing career. None of his original works have survived.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  So we don't know if they're any good?

• 37:02Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  He said, quote, "No one is more miserable than the person who wills everything and can do nothing."

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Right, so he's steaming in the basement at the moment.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Yes, he is.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  He's writing manifestos.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Now, let's get to his love life, because his personal life is pretty hilariously tragic. There were plans for him to have married in his mid teens. Again, this is the Roman era. So this isn't creepy at this point. However, the girl in question's family gets politically disgraced somehow and the betrothal gets cancelled. But Claudius, much like Hawking, seems to be quite horny and disabled.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Hornkins.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Stephen Hornkin.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  So.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  Horny and disabled. It's a brutal combo.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Brutal.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  It's a brutal.

• 37:47Speaker 01

  It's rare, you know, it's like a lunar eclipse. It's a rare sight, but magnificent when it emerges. Anyway, so he gets betrothed to a woman called Livia Medulina. After lots of unsuccessful attempts getting married, but this girl, Livia Medulina, falls ill and dies on their wedding day.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  So, yeah, bereaved at first sight. BAFTS, that's what that show would be called. In the year nine, his third attempt, Claudius marries Plautia Ogulnilla.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  Sounds gorgeous.

• 38:23Speaker 02

  She's already, she's sucking off another bloke in her name.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. He's that cocked that her name is Ogulnilla, huh?

• 38:31Speaker 02

  Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth and tell me?

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Can you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth?

• 38:38Speaker 01

  Let's let the dog see the rabbit.

• 38:39Speaker 05

  There she is, I think.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:40Speaker 05

  She looks nice.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  He looks nice enough.

• 38:41Speaker 05

  A bit white with dreads.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  I'd look nice on a coin though. Do you know what I mean?

• 38:46Speaker 01

  I don't know if you would actually. I think that's a massive.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  I think a coin would be two dimensions.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think the more 3D, the better for you. I think when you reduce your features to 2D.

• 38:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you need to spend as long a time drawing me as possible. The quicker the worse, because then it'll be like.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  Detail is your friend.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  If you've got 10 seconds to draw me, it's gonna be pretty brutal.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  I know that from when I was a 12 year old and I was Gavin plumbing it behind Hollywood film stars and people would draw me with just two circles. Okay. Detail is your friend.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  Is our friend.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no. You've not captured my complexity. Okay. The detail of the Hawaiian shirt, of the Billabong shorts, okay, of the pulled up white socks. And the skater shoes, even though I've never been on a skateboard in my life. The cream, the cream, the cream bun predators, you know? Detail is my friend. You've not captured the essence of my jowls. How must be terrifying for a right back seeing me steaming down the left wing as an impact sub. You've not captured that. You've just drawn two circles.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Anyway, so Ogulogodulroo Miller gives birth to the couple's only child, who's named Claudius as well.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  Fair play.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Anyway, now, but his son, this Claudius guy, dies aged four after choking on a pear.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Fair enough.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  I mean, crack it out, Christ. How unlucky, I choke on a pear, oh my god.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  It's the most Jewish woman of all time.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's the Idi Amin hostage crisis all over again.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  So there's a guy called Sejanus, who's that? Who's Sejanus?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  So at this point, oh, because Tiberius is living on Capri, fucking his little fish, which is his squadron of aquap, aqua, aqua victims. He's an aquapito. Because he's basically busying himself doing that, the guy running the country is a guy called Sejanus. So Claudius is lying low in this period.

• 40:42Speaker 01

  And Claudius gets betrothed, no, Claudius's son, who's also called Claudius, gets betrothed to Junilla, the daughter of Sejanus. But then, his son, much like his dad, is so clap, they can't even eat a fucking pear, aged four. So he dies. And I guess Claudius's grandmother goes, well, good.

• 41:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank fuck for that.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  You know, they're Darwinist in the year 14.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  If you can't handle a pear, you didn't deserve to live.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, pear is early stuff. I mean, is he putting the whole thing in?

• 41:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Quite a dry one.

• 41:14Speaker 05

  You can eat the whole thing though, don't you? There's no centre of a pear, you just eat the whole thing, right? There's no core.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  There is a core.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  I think there is a core, but you can eat, you can eat it. It's less, it's less sturdy than an apple.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  So anyway, so Claudius divorces his first wife in the year 24, because he thinks she's having an affair and was involved in the murder of her sister-in-law, which is irrelevant to the story. So he then remarries a woman called Aaliyah, Aaliyah Paitina, who is Sejanus's adopted sister. He then, I mean, for a disabled guy who's a nerd, he's divorcing a lot.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  To be fair. He then divorces her because Sejanus gets executed. So.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. So he marries the guy who's in charge's sister because he's in charge, because Sejanus fell from power. All of her power's gone.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  So I guess, is this when Caligula comes to power that he purges Sejanus, maybe? Anyway, we're getting, we're getting a bit lost in the weeds, but let's get to.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  There's a lot of names.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  There's a lot of names and they're all the same name.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  But Caligula comes to power in the year, I think it's 33.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 42:28Speaker 01

  I believe, which is as Christ is executed. I may be. So Caligula actually facilitates Claudius' entrance into Roman politics because he appoints, oh, sorry, it's the year 37.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  So does Christ get executed when Caligula's on the throne?

• 42:45Speaker 01

  No, sorry. So he's four years, he comes to power in the year 37.

• 42:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  So Christ has been dead for four years.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  But so was.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Tiberius.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  Tiberius.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Executes Christ, which is why people get so annoyed at Epstein. Because not only are you a paedophile, but you're also Jewish. And it was, it was a paedophile. The Jews killed Christ, but also it was a Roman paedophile emperor who, who ordered him.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  You know, unlike athletics where they set the difficulty for the flip and they need to land it? That was like a high difficulty.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was quite.

• 43:19Speaker 02

  I think you smacked your ball from the bar.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know what I mean? And that, well, it doesn't matter. Anyway.

• 43:29Speaker 01

  You know what? People don't like Epstein for many reasons.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 43:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. But he looked good.

• 43:34Speaker 02

  He did.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Not enough people say it.

• 43:35Speaker 02

  Not, that's true.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  Like so many things, I'm a salmon swimming upstream, complimenting that man for how he dressed.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  Anyway, so Caligula appoints Claudius, who is his uncle.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  As consul. Now, I can't remember what a consul is, but it's a thing. It's an important thing in the setting up of the, in the running of the country.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  Now, I get a bit confused with Caligula and Nero because they're both just doing mad stuff, but Caligula was madder than Nero. Nero, Nero was the populist theatre kiddie one.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, Nero fiddles while Rome burned. Caligula made his consul a horse.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  And Caligula was the sex pest who fucked everyone's wives.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  Fucked everyone's wife, even during dinner.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  He'd be having a cabinet meeting and then he'd be like, wait here, and he'd just go and fuck someone's wife.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  And then she'd come back with ruffled hair.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  And he'd be like, mm, six on 10.

• 44:24Speaker 05

  Is it like those, you know, those porn scenes where like they're having dinner and then like.

• 44:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:28Speaker 05

  She's under the table.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't really watch it.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Explain, explain.

• 44:34Speaker 05

  There's like the grand, they're having like pasta and the grandma's over and so is the dad, but then him and his sister are, they're under the table at it. And I imagine that's what it was like with Caligula, where he's just like shagging people while they're having that big meetings.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Or it'd be like.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  Under the table with like a big drink.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  The wife is asking the husband how his day is. This cocky guy is like, you know, fiddling around with the cupboards.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  And she's just getting ploughed with a guy with a balaclava while she's asking how his day is.

• 45:00Speaker 01

  From behind and she's just like, yeah, it was fine. I mean, that is acting, to be fair to those women, acting, that's great acting. And they're like, oh no, I had a great day. And they're, you know.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's brilliant.

• 45:09Speaker 01

  They're having to imbue, with their eyes, they're having to imbue pleasure and also fear.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  It's fantastic.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Fantastic stuff.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  What a woman can do, what an actress can do with her eyes, you know.

• 45:18Speaker 05

  What about the men?

• 45:19Speaker 01

  Sorry?

• 45:19Speaker 05

  Do you think that there's anything to say?

• 45:20Speaker 02

  The men don't get, the men don't get talked about enough.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  They don't get the credit.

• 45:23Speaker 05

  They're just, they're just kind of dogs.

• 45:25Speaker 02

  At the porn, at porn conferences, apparently it's very sad, the men's tables.

• 45:28Speaker 05

  I nearly went this year to the Ben, to the, because Ben Dover was going to be there. Do you know Ben Dover?

• 45:34Speaker 02

  You told me about Ben Dover.

• 45:35Speaker 05

  Uh, he is the, he's better known for his.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  I ne- I nearly went.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  To Ben, well, it's Ben Dover. Ben Dover's there.

• 45:43Speaker 05

  Uh, what's he got? He's, he's, he began producing the Ben Dovers Kick Ass Angel Adventure series. I know he's a.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Is that for kids?

• 45:52Speaker 01

  I'm saying this stuff as if I've heard of it. Oh, the Kick House Anal Adventure series. Oh, sorry, that's the exec producer.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  How'd you know Ben Dover?

• 46:00Speaker 05

  He's Tiger Drew Honey's dad, you know in Outnumbered?

• 46:01Speaker 02

  No.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 46:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Hugh Dennis?

• 46:04Speaker 05

  No.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  Hugh Dennis is the executive producer on the Anal Adventure series?

• 46:12Speaker 05

  No, Tiger Drew Honey, who's

• 46:13Speaker 02

  Yes, the young girl.

• 46:15Speaker 05

  The main son in Outnumbered, the oldest son in Outnumbered.

• 46:18Speaker 02

  The son or the daughter?

• 46:19Speaker 05

  This guy.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 46:20Speaker 05

  Look, Tiger Drew Honey, his dad is Ben Dover, who's done a lot of film making. And I was gonna go meet him and maybe make a video with it, not a porn video, a view from a bridge.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  I mean, it would be interesting to go to the porn awards, I guess.

• 46:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  Kind of a unique vibe.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  I don't think we're nominated this year.

• 46:44Speaker 01

  And if we are, something's gone quite wrong with this show, I think.

• 46:47Speaker 02

  Complaining, this is a fucking disgrace, we don't win best gangbang.

• 46:51Speaker 05

  Would that sink the company? Because you know how Skepta did a porno? Did you hear about this, Horatio?

• 46:55Speaker 02

  No, I didn't hear about this.

• 46:56Speaker 05

  Skepta did a porno.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  But it didn't sink his career.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  I don't have Google notifications for porn news, Charlie, unlike you. Across.

• 47:04Speaker 05

  Well, would it sink the company if we made a porno, but if it was beautiful, if it was incredible?

• 47:09Speaker 01

  I don't think it's what people want.

• 47:10Speaker 02

  I would love to see

• 47:11Speaker 05

  As an expression of art.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  It'd be interesting to see the live Patreon ticker, what's the video we could make that would make it go down the fastest? Because it's quite hard to lose patrons, people forget to

• 47:21Speaker 01

  It seems.

• 47:21Speaker 02

  Yep, at a terrifying rate, it's growing. But, so please don't subscribe anymore, it's getting embarrassing.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  It's really boring behind that paywall. We're not having the best time, it's awful.

• 47:31Speaker 02

  But yeah, because people forget to unsubscribe to patrons, I do wonder

• 47:36Speaker 01

  Don't remind them.

• 47:36Speaker 02

  What would you have to? No, we've got to, mate, it's uncouth, if anything.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  It is uncouth, no.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  It is vulgar.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  It is vulgar. Our patron is vulgar.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  It would be classy if it was like a, like, I think maybe like six or seven thousand is like a, there's a classiness.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  Michael Matoria.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  There's a classiness to it.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  There's like an elite group, there's an exclusivity to it.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  This is any old fucking slop.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  It is, it is. It's pigs, just let the pigs in.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  It's a horde, it's not

• 48:00Speaker 01

  It is, yeah. But we're trying to take over Afghanistan, as we've been said.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  It doesn't feel like the most discerning patron when this many people can connect with what we're doing.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  So we've done something wrong.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  We have done something wrong.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  It's too popular.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  We've opened the gate. And now the only future is for us to get, to keep going.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  Until we hit, was it Taliban we're aiming for?

• 48:18Speaker 01

  Hundred and twenty gram, hundred and twenty.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  We're at the El Salvadorian mega prison at the minute.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Currently.

• 48:23Speaker 02

  We're mainly in El Salvador. This is what, me and the pageant is mainly in El Salvador.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is, yeah, yeah, it is.

• 48:31Speaker 01

  Anyway, look, we are going to, if you, if you want to help us take on the Taliban in order to make life even worse for Afghan women, then join the pageant.

• 48:40Speaker 02

  I think don't subscribe, to be honest. I think I'm subscribed.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  We must finish the story, okay? Caligula is in power. He has made Claudius, his nephew, one of the highest elected magistrates in Rome. Claudius is now in the system. So, he appointed Claudius because, Caligula is, as you said, is the showman. He wants to humiliate him in public.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  Nero's the showman.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  They're both showmen.

• 49:05Speaker 02

  Both showmen, right.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Nero's the one who does the chariot racing.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Right, anyway.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  But Caligula was madder.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Yes, but Caligula is also, is the one doing the kind of big public shows, the spectacles, the fake battles and all that. So.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  But he gets, Caligula gets Claudius there because he, he's the one who makes, humiliates the senate more than anyone.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 49:25Speaker 02

  Right? And he thinks Claudius is funny, because it's funny to have his cerebral palsy dribbling uncle.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Tourette's or uncle.

• 49:31Speaker 02

  But make him, in the way that he married his horse, it was like, well, I'll make this.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  He made the horse consul, yeah.

• 49:35Speaker 02

  This fucking idiot will be one of my counsellors, because he's stupid and, you know, no one will ever respect him.

• 49:40Speaker 01

  He would throw olive stones at him.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, but Claudius, I'm, I've claimed that he's playing along and undermining his own intelligence, so I'm not seen as a threat.

• 49:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  No one respects the disabled uncle.

• 49:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  But his, but the point is that his visible afflictions arguably keep him alive under.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  Because anyone else would be a threat, he would have been killed.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  Anyone related, this closely related to the Julian Claudian line, ladies. Anyway, in the year thirty-eight, Claudius marries his third wife, Valeria Messalina. Claudius is nearly fifty, Messalina is eighteen. Woofus!

• 50:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Now, she-

• 50:21Speaker 02

  With us grandest.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Aruus. Now, she, we'll get into more in the second episode, she's hilarious.

• 50:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  I mean, as if this guy wasn't-

• 50:31Speaker 02

  She's a great woman.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  She's a terrific woman. If this poor cunt hadn't had it bad enough with the lottery of his disabilities that he's won.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  And, you know, the fact his son dies in a pair-

• 50:40Speaker 02

  Kind of cuck all-timer, like the goat of being cuck.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  In the grand scheme of all-time cucks.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  His numbers don't lie. He's Michael Jordan of getting cucked.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, because she is his Scottie Pippen.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:52Speaker 01

  All right. You can't have Jordan without the rest of that team.

• 50:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:55Speaker 01

  And there's a guy, Tyreek taught me this, do you know that there's a guy called Steve Kerr who's in that team as well?

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  This is, Tyreek taught me this.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  Was he the one white guy in?

• 51:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  He's got a brother, do you know what his first name is?

• 51:05Speaker 02

  What?

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Nick.

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Now, Tyreek taught me that, okay? He thought it was funny.

• 51:11Speaker 02

  Was he at the BAFTAs?

• 51:12Speaker 01

  No, he wasn't at the BAFTAs.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  He was shouting at the BAFTAs.

• 51:16Speaker 02

  It's like, you know, the part where Steve, Steve!

• 51:22Speaker 01

  Dan. Dan, Dan!

• 51:23Speaker 02

  Nick, Nick!

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Don't make me say the full name, Nick. Anyway, so, now, Mesalina and Claudius would have two children, Claudia and Britannicus. Now, on the 24th of January, 41, Caligula meets his end in a corridor with the Praetorian guards hacking him to death.

• 51:49Speaker 02

  Because he'd just, he'd taken the piss too much.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  Yes, he had taken the piss too much.

• 51:52Speaker 02

  And all of the power, which has become clear, where you're wondering how do people take power, it's all about having the Praetorian guard on your side. That seems to be the fundamental way. If you want to take control, you have to take control of the Praetorian guard. The only people allowed swords in the city, and basically if you're in the pocket, if they're in your pocket, you can take over, basically.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  So Claudius witnesses the assassination supposedly and is terrified, hiding behind a palace curtain. Ah, please! Fuck us, fuck us! Cuck us, cuss us! Now, a Praetorian guard spots Claudius's feet poking out from behind the curtain and drags him out.

• 52:32Speaker 01

  So Claudius falls to his knees to beg for mercy.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  Dribbling.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  Dribbling.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  And laughing.

• 52:40Speaker 01

  Fuck us, fuck us.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  And everyone thinks, well, this guy's going to be executed.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  And yet instead, the guard salutes him as the new emperor. Now, what has gone on here? We will deal with that in part two.

• 52:59Speaker 02

  Fuck us.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Which is already on our Patreon. Where for three pounds a month, you can sign up to become part of this vulgar class of new money, katana wielding idiots.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Trash, trash.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  They are trash. It's trash to join our Patreon.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  And we're biggest in the UK.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  And it's, it's just a matter of time. We're bigger, we're bigger than ISIS.

• 53:25Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  We're bigger than Hamas. And we are trying to get to be as big as the Taliban.

• 53:30Speaker 02

  We blew Hezbollah out the window.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  Hezbollah, fuck off Hezbollah, nothing. So, join the Patreon to get instant access to the rest of the story. And our bonus this week is on Hercules.

• 53:41Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 53:42Speaker 01

  Hercules, Hercules.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  The original is so much better than the Disney version, my god.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  That's already on the Patreon. If not, we will see you on Thursday.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  For the continuation of the story of Claudius. Good night now.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 53:57Speaker 01

  Goodbye.