Pod Insights Fin vs History First Port Stanley, Now This?? (with The Upshot!) | The History of The World Cup (Part 3/4) About this episode Welcome to the weird world of drug testing.
The World Cup (Part Three)
The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.
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Chapters:
00:00 - Time Wasting
04:30 - Keep Your Head Above The Shit
08:33 - The Merchant Of Death
13:21 - Can A Man Not Change?
15:59 - Male Mental Health
21:21 - Pope’s Bathroom
25:50 - Port Stanley
32:36 - Wind It Down
37:18 - Farcing Hell Mate
42:19 - Bad Egg
46:17 - Red Rag To A Bull
53:02 - And It’s Live
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Transcript 11,616 words · 8 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.
0:42 Speaker 01 Welcome back to Finverse History. It's part three of the World Cup story. We're still joined by the Upshot Boys.
0:47 Speaker 02 Hello.
0:48 Speaker 01 And this episode, we're going to the den of iniquity that is South America in the 70s. It's the sewer.
0:56 Speaker 03 Yeah. You keep leaving big challenges in South America, this series. You're really putting some crunchy tackles in.
1:01 Speaker 01 Well, we're going to see why, aren't we? We're going to see why. Something we missed out on the last episode, which I thought happened in a later World Cup, but we should just mention it.
1:08 Speaker 03 The Argentinians are animals.
1:09 Speaker 01 The Argentinians are animals.
1:12 Speaker 01 And the Brazilians keep trying to fuck them. And I'm like, no, no, you guys, you want goats. Anyway, in 1974, in the West German World Cup, we need to talk about Zaire, because this is one of the funniest moments. I only realised yesterday that it's not actually what, as funny as I thought it was. So, you wear this moment.
1:32 Speaker 03 No.
1:32 Speaker 01 So Brazil are taking it, so Zaire qualify, and they're being led by a dictator in Zaire, formerly the Congo, called Mabutu.
1:40 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
1:41 Speaker 01 Have you guys done this on your podcast?
1:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, we've done Mabutu, yeah.
1:43 Speaker 01 So who's Mabutu?
1:45 Speaker 02 Big dictator. He organised the rumble in the jungle as well. He's not doing the sports washing thing for Congo.
1:51 Speaker 04 Is there an old story of supposedly this NBA player who he became mates with and went over there, and then this NBA player disappeared?
1:59 Speaker 01 Rodman?
1:59 Speaker 04 No, it wasn't him, it was someone else. This guy disappeared and the story is that he got eaten by Mabutu.
2:06 Speaker 02 Well, that might have been Idi Amin.
2:08 Speaker 04 That's Idi Amin.
2:10 Speaker 02 He threatened Muhammad Ali as well.
2:12 Speaker 01 Yes, he did. Yeah.
2:13 Speaker 02 But yeah, Mabuti, so it's Zaire, as it's called then. And he's, he's got some insanely long name. He's changed his name to.
2:19 Speaker 01 Right.
2:20 Speaker 02 And it's sort of the ideal dictator look.
2:22 Speaker 01 The all powerful warrior who because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, goes from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake.
2:29 Speaker 02 It's like that Welsh town.
2:30 Speaker 03 That's my pet name.
2:31 Speaker 01 Big run up. Mobutu says, "Seku, nkuu, ngobendu wasabanga."
2:37 Speaker 02 You're off my heart?
2:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
2:39 Speaker 02 And he, he wears the iconic dictator look. You know what I mean? It's like leopard print, sort of soldier's hat made of leopard print.
2:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
2:46 Speaker 02 Could look almost airline, air hostessy.
2:48 Speaker 03 Yes.
2:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, quite like short skirts.
2:51 Speaker 01 You wouldn't say that to him, no?
2:53 Speaker 02 No, I can't.
2:53 Speaker 01 No. So anyway, so he's, he's, they're promised financial rewards for qualifying. They get embezzled and then the squad say, we're not going to play. So then FIFA pay them directly to play Yugoslavia. They lose 9-0. Mabuti then directly intervenes, saying if they lose by more than three goals to Brazil, then they wouldn't be allowed to return to Zaire. So that's the context.
3:16 Speaker 03 That's great.
3:16 Speaker 01 So they're 2-0 down to Brazil, when Brazil get a free kick.
3:20 Speaker 03 So the 9-0 was a group stage game?
3:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:22 Speaker 03 Right.
3:22 Speaker 01 So they, yes, I did not make it out of the group. Sorry to break up to you. There's a game where, so they're losing 2-0 to Brazil. There's a free kick and then they're lining up in a wall. And this must be like the last sort of 20 minutes of the game. So, you know, never had there been higher stakes really for the Zaire players. One of them, a defender called Mwepu Ilunga, just runs out before the whistle's gone, just boots the ball upfield. And the BBC spin this as like native confusion.
3:51 Speaker 02 Doesn't know the rules.
3:52 Speaker 01 Oh, doesn't know the rules. Now, I genuinely thought that's what this was until yesterday.
3:56 Speaker 02 At the World Cup.
3:59 Speaker 01 When I listened to a podcast and, oh no, it was because he was.
4:02 Speaker 03 Oh, this is brilliant. I love this native confusion story.
4:05 Speaker 01 No, because when I, I remember this from watching the FIFA sanctioned box set, History of the World Cup, when I was a kid. And, and Barry Davis goes, "Oh, bless him, he doesn't even know the rules," or whatever. But actually, it turns out he was just trying to save his own life.
4:20 Speaker 02 Time wasting.
4:21 Speaker 01 He was time wasting.
4:22 Speaker 02 Yeah. Cause the other thing I heard, there was, he was like trying to humiliate Mabuti by, maybe by, by, maybe he's the one that went to FIFA and was like, "Yeah, I didn't, sorry, I didn't even know the rules."
4:31 Speaker 01 I reckon he would say.
4:31 Speaker 02 We stick this on the DVD box set.
4:33 Speaker 01 Well, I, well, I believed that until yesterday. And so I guess it's not as funny.
4:38 Speaker 01 Anyway, let's get to South America. 1978, Argentina. This is an absolute powder keg.
4:48 Speaker 03 Sure.
4:49 Speaker 01 The Hiroshima of the invasion of Port Stanley is only four years away. One of many British Hiroshimas. I've lost count of how many Hiroshimas there's been in this series. So there's a military junta.
5:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:03 Speaker 01 And these guys are-
5:03 Speaker 03 They're not good guys.
5:04 Speaker 01 They're not good guys. They're chucking left-wing students out of helicopters, which I do, to be fair, is quite funny. To get some New Cross Goldsmith students, "Right, out of the bin, fuck off." They, yeah, they're bad guys. Inflation in 1976 exceeds 560%.
5:25 Speaker 03 Because the Argentinean economy is just sort of like psychedelic at this point, right? It's kind of, they started off being quite a powerful, they're like a miracle of the South.
5:33 Speaker 01 Yes.
5:33 Speaker 03 And now it's just like inflation is an insane, it's just been spiralling for years now.
5:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:38 Speaker 03 And it doesn't really get better.
5:40 Speaker 01 In 1976, a bomb goes off in Buenos Aires on average every three hours. There was a political assassination every five hours. Every five hours is a political assassination.
5:52 Speaker 04 God, who's left?
5:54 Speaker 01 Exactly. This is like the troubles on speed in Argentina.
5:58 Speaker 03 So this is like local councillors at this point, though. This can't be like the big dogs.
6:02 Speaker 01 Yeah. They're bombing Jackie Weaver.
6:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:05 Speaker 01 With the country completely ungovernable, the military junta come in, Jorge Vidaia, and they establish a regime which will, you know, will commit the original sin of invading our southern border, the Falkland Islands. They will also disappear an estimated 30,000 people.
6:21 Speaker 03 Sure.
6:22 Speaker 01 But they inherit the World Cup from the previous government.
6:24 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:25 Speaker 01 And they think, this is probably, apart from Mussolini's World Cup, this is, I suppose, the most corrupt, the most dirty, the most sports washing.
6:34 Speaker 03 But the Argentinians would view 1966 as far worse than this, right?
6:38 Speaker 04 Yeah.
6:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:38 Speaker 04 Because of the red card.
6:39 Speaker 01 Because of the red card.
6:40 Speaker 04 The referee's decision.
6:41 Speaker 01 Yeah. Because someone didn't understand the order to be sent off.
6:45 Speaker 03 Right.
6:45 Speaker 01 They hadn't learnt English.
6:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:47 Speaker 01 That's the problem with that.
6:47 Speaker 03 But underneath the ground, aren't poets getting tortured literally while people are playing?
6:51 Speaker 01 No, no, exactly. When England lift the World Cup, there is not some left-wing students being thrown from a helicopter.
6:58 Speaker 02 Into the city.
6:59 Speaker 03 A celebration.
7:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, so that was the swing in 60s. So they were loving it.
7:03 Speaker 01 Exactly.
7:04 Speaker 02 Primetime for left wing students.
7:06 Speaker 01 So this is also, I guess, this episode is Maradona's story.
7:10 Speaker 03 Right.
7:11 Speaker 01 You know, Maradona doesn't play in the 78 World Cup.
7:15 Speaker 01 But he is, was he 17? He's too young to play. But this is, they're still a great team. They've got like Mario Kempes and Ozzy Ardeas. And they've got, they've got Cesar Manotti's their coach, who's like, maybe the thinnest man I've ever seen, just chain smoking.
7:29 Speaker 03 Then the dogs see the rabbit.
7:30 Speaker 01 Let's have a look at Cesar Manotti. Charlie?
7:33 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
7:33 Speaker 01 It's Bruce Forsyth.
7:35 Speaker 02 Argentine Bruce Forsyth.
7:36 Speaker 01 He would just sit just chain smoking on the sidelines.
7:40 Speaker 02 Is this when?
7:40 Speaker 04 I like that.
7:41 Speaker 02 When did Maradona fall in a cesspit?
7:44 Speaker 04 That was like when he was, he was a child. Cause he lives, cause he was a guy with a super poor upbringing, right?
7:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, he's a guy, he's like, yeah.
7:49 Speaker 04 Yeah, he fell, fell into a cesspit and almost drowned.
7:53 Speaker 01 So, so what is a cesspit in a literal sense?
7:55 Speaker 02 It's a huge sack of shit.
7:56 Speaker 03 You're the whole of Argentina's.
7:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, do you mean he just? He just walked out of the door. He just fell over in, in, yeah. What, what, is that like?
8:03 Speaker 02 It's a tank of shit.
8:04 Speaker 01 It's a tank of shit.
8:05 Speaker 02 All the shit flows into.
8:06 Speaker 01 I don't know if it's even a tank. I think, I think it was just a pit. It was a pit. A hole, a hole in the ground.
8:09 Speaker 02 Didn't it happen to some girl at Glastonbury or something? She fell down into the loom, just swimming in it.
8:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, loving it.
8:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:15 Speaker 03 Swimming in implies she's loving it.
8:16 Speaker 01 It's like those French toilets. It's also known as the healing fields.
8:21 Speaker 01 So, okay, so if Maradona falls in a big pit of shit.
8:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, so he doesn't go to the World Cup.
8:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:26 Speaker 01 Is that his kind of Spider-Man?
8:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, Bill and Oregon story.
8:29 Speaker 01 Does he get bitten by a radioactive turd?
8:32 Speaker 02 There's probably a lot of coke in the shit, it could explain it.
8:34 Speaker 01 That's why.
8:36 Speaker 01 He's wandering around the dark. He falls into a pit, was saved by his uncle Cirillo, jumps in and pulls him to safety. Famously urging your young child to keep your head above the shit.
8:44 Speaker 03 A sort of moral life lesson, I guess?
8:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:47 Speaker 02 You're jumping in for a nephew?
8:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:49 Speaker 02 No.
8:49 Speaker 03 I don't know.
8:50 Speaker 01 Nonsy, isn't it? A bit noncy to do that.
8:52 Speaker 03 Wait, would you arrest him immediately?
8:53 Speaker 01 Arrest Cirillo immediately.
8:55 Speaker 02 It was a test.
8:56 Speaker 01 Yes, it was, and you failed. You failed. It's like the old witch test of the, uh.
9:01 Speaker 01 So, uh, but now there's also a whole thing about like Operation Condor, which was the American, uh, like sort of funding.
9:10 Speaker 03 CIA.
9:11 Speaker 01 CIA, Hunter.
9:12 Speaker 02 They're helping him out.
9:13 Speaker 01 Yeah. So what is it? So Argentina need to beat Peru by at least four goals to reach the final 78. And then they end up winning 6-0 and there are all these allegations about whether it was fixed as part of a human exchange because Vidéia agrees to take and process, i.e. torture and chuck out the helicopter, 13 Peruvian dissidents in exchange for a favorable scoreline.
9:36 Speaker 03 Right.
9:37 Speaker 01 From Peruvian government, yeah. Economic records suggest-
9:40 Speaker 03 It's quite funny calling it processing.
9:42 Speaker 01 Yes.
9:43 Speaker 03 It used to be process.
9:44 Speaker 01 I'm in data processing.
9:45 Speaker 03 You need to be processed properly.
9:46 Speaker 01 Yeah. So Argentina allegedly ships 35,000 tonnes of grain to Peru and then they release $50 million of frozen assets after the game has been lost 6-0.
9:57 Speaker 02 So that's the exchange rate.
9:59 Speaker 01 That's the exchange rate, yeah.
10:00 Speaker 00 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com, not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.
10:31 Speaker 05 He built the first planet-wide media empire.
10:34 Speaker 06 He monetised the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.
10:39 Speaker 05 He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power and legacy.
10:43 Speaker 06 This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.
10:47 Speaker 05 Join me, Dorian Linsky.
10:49 Speaker 06 And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.
10:56 Speaker 05 That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.
11:03 Speaker 01 And then Kissinger, this is where Kissinger gets involved. Kissinger and Vidéia enter the Peruvian dressing room just beforehand. So Kissinger, I mean, this is like, he's just been bombing Cambodia.
11:13 Speaker 03 He's shaking hands.
11:14 Speaker 01 He's shaking hands, pressing the flesh.
11:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, but Cambodia just needs to sign something away, doesn't it? Fuck off.
11:19 Speaker 01 This is post-Wazir Gate Kissinger. He's just, he's footprints, he's panther over everything.
11:24 Speaker 02 And is he kind of threatening them? That's the subtext, isn't it?
11:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, the subtext is that he's the puppet master.
11:28 Speaker 02 Good luck, lads.
11:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly. Peruvian captain later recalled it felt like a silent threat disguised as a diplomatic greeting.
11:36 Speaker 01 Leaving the players unsettled, wondering whether the high- ranking officials weren't visiting the home team instead. There you go.
11:41 Speaker 04 Is that quite a good deal though for Peru? What was it, 50 million in assets? And you get rid of those.
11:46 Speaker 02 Quite a lot of grain as well.
11:47 Speaker 03 You probably weren't going to win the tournament.
11:48 Speaker 04 Level six.
11:48 Speaker 02 And you get rid of the distance.
11:49 Speaker 01 This is pre Nobu Solano.
11:51 Speaker 04 It's like, um.
11:52 Speaker 03 Who's Nobu Solano?
11:53 Speaker 01 Come on.
11:54 Speaker 02 Peruvian legend.
11:55 Speaker 04 Newcastle winger.
11:57 Speaker 01 It's like the only Peruvian guy.
11:59 Speaker 04 Kevin Paddington Bear.
12:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's, that's all Peru have got. You never heard of Nobu Solano?
12:03 Speaker 03 No.
12:04 Speaker 01 Fuck it up.
12:04 Speaker 02 Norberto Solano.
12:05 Speaker 01 You can't.
12:05 Speaker 02 Newcastle legend.
12:06 Speaker 01 Norberto, to give him his, like, Norberto style.
12:10 Speaker 01 Norberto Solano.
12:11 Speaker 04 Name another Nobu.
12:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:12 Speaker 02 Holder.
12:14 Speaker 01 Norberto, Norberto Holder.
12:16 Speaker 04 But this, this, this deal is a bit like, you know, when Brittany Griner, that, that women's NBA player got arrested in the US for, no, sorry, in Russia. She had a, she had like a weed vape on her and she was detained. It was like around the time of the Ukraine war and they were using, basically holding her hostage.
12:33 Speaker 03 Sure, sure.
12:33 Speaker 04 And they eventually got her released by exchanging her for a Russian arms dealer called the merchant of death.
12:40 Speaker 03 I remember this.
12:41 Speaker 04 The merchant of death. The merchant of death. It was like, we'll give you, you give you, you give us back our.
12:45 Speaker 03 WNBA player.
12:45 Speaker 04 WNBA player.
12:46 Speaker 01 What's worse?
12:46 Speaker 04 The merchant of death. We'll give you back the merchant of death.
12:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:52 Speaker 03 What's more damaging to the world?
12:55 Speaker 01 Tomato, tomato, tomato.
12:58 Speaker 02 Abramovich gets him out.
13:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:01 Speaker 04 He strikes that deal.
13:02 Speaker 01 So this is also the World Cup where the guy who had spent however many millions of pounds on the stadiums, who had organised it, gets blown up in a car bomb hours before the tournament starts.
13:13 Speaker 03 Now, was that a suicide?
13:16 Speaker 01 We don't know. We don't know.
13:18 Speaker 02 Cameras are off.
13:18 Speaker 03 I think he was killing himself.
13:19 Speaker 01 Much like Pickles the dog, we don't know. I think he just, yeah.
13:24 Speaker 04 If there's a car bomb going off every three hours, then it was bound to happen, right?
13:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's true.
13:27 Speaker 04 It's just the odd law of averages.
13:29 Speaker 01 To be fair, I do think car bomb as a suicide method is fucking hilarious. It should be used more.
13:35 Speaker 03 Would you do it as a button or a timed one? Because if you time it 20 minutes, you just sit there.
13:40 Speaker 04 Yeah.
13:40 Speaker 01 Well, that, all that is, is just dad outside his house waiting in the car and then the thing explodes.
13:45 Speaker 03 You can also pick who you want to traumatising.
13:47 Speaker 01 Yes. Drive through.
13:51 Speaker 03 You're going to say.
13:52 Speaker 01 Six chicken to lecks and a Big Mac, please. Not quick enough!
13:59 Speaker 01 It's called fast food for a reason. Bang! I'd love that. That'd be absolutely brilliant.
14:07 Speaker 01 Just traumatise some poor McDonald's employee. Next window, please. Bang. Fuck it up. Yeah, so Kissinger is the guest of honour at the tournament. So, I mean, this absolutely stinks, this one.
14:19 Speaker 03 It stinks like the cesspit Narodona was founded.
14:22 Speaker 01 Marel is drowning in shit, so is the tournament. Johan Cruyff doesn't even travel because there's been a kidnapping attempt on his family, is that right?
14:28 Speaker 02 He says.
14:29 Speaker 01 Right.
14:30 Speaker 02 The theory is his wife won't let him after the...
14:32 Speaker 01 After he was fucking everyone since he was four years old. Four-year doghouse. How is he not Cruyff turning out the doghouse? Why isn't his wife, like, running up the pitch like that?
14:43 Speaker 03 She thinks you're Netherlands, you Cruyff turn.
14:47 Speaker 01 He's on the plane and his wife's just stood there like, "Where's your..."
14:50 Speaker 03 Ankle breaker.
14:51 Speaker 01 God. This is where friend of the pod, Joseph Mengele...
14:57 Speaker 03 Doctor.
14:57 Speaker 01 Doctor. I apologise. Sorry, can I just do this on the... I apologise to Mengele and his family. The Nazi war criminal.
15:07 Speaker 03 Doctors, we support health workers.
15:08 Speaker 01 Support this nation's doctors, okay? I'm on the balcony bashing pots and pans for Dr Joseph Mengele.
15:17 Speaker 03 But first, do no harm.
15:19 Speaker 01 Yep.
15:21 Speaker 03 There's a hypocritical oath that all doctors agree to.
15:25 Speaker 01 Yep. The original key worker, Dr Joseph Mengele, is rumoured to have sat with the hunter during the final. Now, our listeners are very, very thick. They might not know...
15:37 Speaker 03 They're ugly as well.
15:38 Speaker 01 They're very ugly and fat. Joseph Mengele... Joseph Mengele, now, what was the women's basketball player called? The Angel of Death? So, he's the Angel of Death.
15:49 Speaker 02 Oh, okay.
15:50 Speaker 03 Right.
15:50 Speaker 01 So, I guess that'd be like a women's ice hockey player.
15:53 Speaker 03 There's a difference. The Merchant of Death, you know, that's grubby, that's financial. The Angel of Death, that's holy love.
15:58 Speaker 02 Angel of Death sounds great, yeah.
16:00 Speaker 01 He was the guy in the concentration camps who was doing Nazi experiments.
16:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, freestyling.
16:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:07 Speaker 01 Basement jazz.
16:10 Speaker 01 So he's rumored to have been guest of honour at the, that's how dirty this is.
16:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:14 Speaker 01 Because he's the one that actually got away.
16:16 Speaker 03 Yeah.
16:16 Speaker 01 He's the Nazi that genuinely.
16:17 Speaker 03 The one that got away.
16:18 Speaker 01 He is the one that got away. Eichmann tragically, illegally.
16:23 Speaker 03 It was illegal.
16:23 Speaker 01 Illegal to extract Eichmann back to Jerusalem.
16:26 Speaker 03 He did nothing illegal in Argentina.
16:28 Speaker 01 He was.
16:29 Speaker 03 He was very law abiding.
16:30 Speaker 01 Upholding system, yeah.
16:31 Speaker 03 So it is a disgrace.
16:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:33 Speaker 03 And Israel need to pay for their.
16:34 Speaker 01 Just a statue. Yes. Yeah. We need to, we'll deal with Israel now when we get to it, but there's a backlog of Israeli crimes.
16:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, we need a tribunal.
16:43 Speaker 01 We need the Eichmann trial trial, where we put judges on trial.
16:47 Speaker 03 Yes, but statute of limitations surely apply.
16:50 Speaker 01 Exactly.
16:50 Speaker 03 That was ages ago.
16:51 Speaker 01 20 years ago. Can a man not change? What's happened to forgiveness in this age of cancel culture? Anyway.
17:00 Speaker 02 Was he just like an upstanding citizen in Argentina then?
17:03 Speaker 03 He was very boring.
17:04 Speaker 01 Eichmann had a family and he.
17:06 Speaker 03 You could set your watch by him because he'd turn up at the bus stop at the same time.
17:08 Speaker 01 Who's watch was it is the point that they're making.
17:10 Speaker 03 Yes.
17:11 Speaker 01 But yeah, he would say, he worked, he worked in a Mercedes factory and he didn't even want a promotion. You know?
17:17 Speaker 02 I mean.
17:18 Speaker 03 Well, he's a humble guy.
17:18 Speaker 01 He just wanted to live his life for this family. And is that a crime?
17:23 Speaker 01 A straight man with a mortgage.
17:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:25 Speaker 01 Extradited by the Israelis. Oh, it's sickening. Absolutely sickening. Anyway, Joseph Mengele is a hero who lives free in Argentina and is invited to watch the 78 file allegedly.
17:37 Speaker 02 Are they sort of Nazis as well, the Hunter?
17:40 Speaker 03 I think they, it's more, it's irrelevant.
17:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:43 Speaker 03 Well, it's more like you're a Nazi. It's like, all right, mate. Don't need to fucking.
17:47 Speaker 01 Argentina famously don't mind about Nazis.
17:49 Speaker 02 So they're just into him for his medical work.
17:51 Speaker 03 For them, they're small talking. He explains the entirety of the Holocaust. He goes, all right.
17:55 Speaker 01 Oh, cool. All right.
17:56 Speaker 02 It's like Dr Phil.
17:57 Speaker 01 So that's why you were banned from the 1950s all? All right, fine.
17:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, so it was a Holocaust thing. No, he was, he was telling me he's Holocausted. Yeah, he did the Holocaust.
18:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, I studied history at uni.
18:08 Speaker 01 So what's all this stuff about the Netherlands ties with Israel made a referee unsuitable for this for the final?
18:18 Speaker 02 They've got an Israeli ref.
18:20 Speaker 01 Well, that is with Mengele in the crowd, that's a disgrace. Come on, come on. Red rag to a bull.
18:24 Speaker 03 It's going to trigger him.
18:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. He's got a lot of, a lot of trauma. And that Israeli ref is taking him right back to some of his darkest days.
18:33 Speaker 03 One of his best mates got X-shod by the Israeli government.
18:36 Speaker 01 In Argentina, in Argentina of all places.
18:38 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, I guess male mental health wasn't a big thing.
18:41 Speaker 01 This is before mental, we should place 1978, it's before male mental health.
18:45 Speaker 03 I don't know, when is the key male mental health moment? Is it, is it when Tyson Fury does a documentary about having, being sad? What's the kind of the moment where male mental health?
18:54 Speaker 01 It takes Alistair Campbell's rehabilitation from war criminal to podcaster, probably.
18:58 Speaker 03 Actually, it was mental health.
18:59 Speaker 01 Actually, I was, I was depressed. Fine, okay, fine.
19:02 Speaker 03 No, there must be like a defining moment for men's mental health. Was it a show?
19:07 Speaker 01 Isn't it the Oasis reunion last summer, isn't it?
19:10 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, that's the end of it. That's when it was cured.
19:12 Speaker 01 It's cured now, of course, every man is fine. Anyway, so they protest that there's an Israeli ref and so the FIFA, to be fair, it hears them and says, you're right, let's put Natalia instead.
19:27 Speaker 01 Argentina's players walk off the pitch with seven minutes. The crowd is chanting, what's, what's the thing with the, so like literally next to the stadium, there is the disappearing.
19:39 Speaker 02 Jail.
19:39 Speaker 01 Jail.
19:39 Speaker 02 You can hear the crowd.
19:41 Speaker 03 That sounds like an amazing event.
19:42 Speaker 01 Sorry, it's not the disappearing jail.
19:43 Speaker 03 The disappearing jail.
19:45 Speaker 02 Secret cinema.
19:46 Speaker 03 With the magnificent Dr Joseph Mengele.
19:50 Speaker 02 And his marvelous medicine.
19:54 Speaker 01 So yeah, just 700 metres away, the people are being tortured in the Navy School of Mechanics.
20:00 Speaker 02 So is that because the crowd drowns it out? It's quite a useful.
20:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, but maybe also the prisoners.
20:04 Speaker 03 Or is it just so much torturing you can't escape?
20:06 Speaker 02 And football stadiums are good for that sort of caper, aren't they?
20:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, and then prisoners are hearing the chanting and the guards are like, yeah, that's for our regime.
20:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:16 Speaker 03 Right.
20:16 Speaker 04 Ah, okay.
20:18 Speaker 03 They're tortured, they're laughing at you.
20:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:21 Speaker 03 They're showing pictures of your tiny knob and they're going, yeah, that's small.
20:25 Speaker 01 So people are being tortured while, and the photo, can you get the photo, Charlie, of the ticker tape at the end of the 78th? When Argentina win the final, it's like you can hardly see what's going on, the amount of white and blue ticker tape that comes out. It's glorious.
20:39 Speaker 03 All right, I didn't know where you were going.
20:40 Speaker 01 No, it's pretty amazing.
20:42 Speaker 04 Animals.
20:43 Speaker 01 It's a bit new money.
20:44 Speaker 03 Torturing.
20:45 Speaker 01 It's pretty amazing.
20:46 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
20:47 Speaker 01 So Netherlands gets the final again.
20:49 Speaker 03 We slagged Argentina off a lot, but to be fair, the ticker tape usage, we're a big fan of. We've got to be fair.
20:54 Speaker 01 Astonishing usage.
20:55 Speaker 03 Don't just make late, I don't think that's probably not cricket.
20:58 Speaker 01 None of our business, none of our business.
20:59 Speaker 03 The ticker tape, we're a big fan of, so fair play.
21:02 Speaker 01 So again, this is, so this is Holland without Cruyff in their kind of the end of the.
21:07 Speaker 03 So they made back to back finals.
21:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, and they lose both times and then they win.
21:12 Speaker 03 Van Bobbles later, much later.
21:15 Speaker 01 That's 2010. But they're not, the Dutch are not playing total football in 2010. It's awful stuff.
21:20 Speaker 04 Dirk Kout.
21:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, Dirk Kout's playing.
21:22 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's a real like, yeah.
21:24 Speaker 01 Is Dirk Kout the ugliest man? Discuss.
21:27 Speaker 03 Wait, hold on, let's get Dirk Kout up.
21:29 Speaker 02 I mean, even the name.
21:30 Speaker 03 He's got lovely blonde hair.
21:31 Speaker 01 Is that what?
21:33 Speaker 03 No, no, if we're doing ugly footballers, he's not scratching the side.
21:36 Speaker 01 He looks a little bit like he.
21:36 Speaker 03 Oof, let's not go, just come on.
21:39 Speaker 01 Come on.
21:39 Speaker 04 He looks a little bit like something out of Lord of the Rings.
21:42 Speaker 03 Come on, nothing close to Joleon Lescot, Frank Ribery.
21:45 Speaker 01 Not Dutch.
21:48 Speaker 03 Are you saying ugliest Dutch football?
21:49 Speaker 02 Did you say Dutch football?
21:50 Speaker 01 I said the ugliest man.
21:51 Speaker 02 Frank Ribery.
21:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, but these men are scarred.
21:53 Speaker 02 Oh, is that?
21:55 Speaker 01 Come on.
21:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think the scar does a lot for him.
21:57 Speaker 01 I think he is.
21:59 Speaker 03 No, because Frank Ribery's going like this, no, it's I got scarred. It's like, take the scar away.
22:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, same, same result.
22:03 Speaker 03 Yeah, same result.
22:05 Speaker 04 I actually think Bobby Charlton's got to be up there with that.
22:08 Speaker 03 Can I get Bobby Charlton up? Hold up, he's got a heroic 22 year old hairline. Look at this.
22:15 Speaker 01 What are you talking about?
22:16 Speaker 04 He's pretty nobly. I, yeah. I mean, just that comb over.
22:21 Speaker 01 As a 29 year old, as a 29 year old with a comb over.
22:25 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:25 Speaker 01 We have lost that as a society.
22:26 Speaker 04 Yeah. Yeah.
22:28 Speaker 01 This is pre going to Turkey, all that stuff.
22:29 Speaker 03 That's not a woke hairline, that, that is.
22:31 Speaker 01 That man has got right wing views.
22:36 Speaker 01 Anyway, so Argentina win the 78 World Cup, which absolutely stinks.
22:43 Speaker 01 And this sort of starts, well, continues a tradition of complete Latin American shithousery.
22:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:48 Speaker 01 So let's get to Maradona. Born in, what, on an onion farm or something?
22:55 Speaker 04 Cespit, wasn't it?
22:55 Speaker 01 Born in a Cespit.
22:56 Speaker 04 Yeah.
22:57 Speaker 01 Lived his life in a Cespit.
22:58 Speaker 04 Argentina.
22:59 Speaker 01 Born in a shanty town in Buenos Aires. And you guys have done Maradona, right?
23:04 Speaker 04 Oh, big time.
23:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:04 Speaker 04 Done a few. Yeah. I mean, there's the coke, obviously.
23:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, so I suppose, well, we'll get to 82, but when did he go to Napoli and start really hammering it?
23:14 Speaker 04 80, I think he went to 84.
23:16 Speaker 01 Okay.
23:16 Speaker 04 It was a bit before that he got into coke.
23:18 Speaker 01 He gets into it in Barcelona, doesn't he?
23:19 Speaker 04 Yeah, because he was playing at Barcelona and like wasn't, I think he got a bad injury or something there? And got really into gear.
23:26 Speaker 03 Right.
23:27 Speaker 04 Like, apparently there was a journalist that went around to his house when he was out injured and went in. It was just like 11am, 11am on a Tuesday. It's just like Scarface, just like they're, they're, they had a ping pong table with just like mounds of cocaine.
23:40 Speaker 03 And I guess.
23:41 Speaker 04 So many great times.
23:41 Speaker 03 If we talk about the cultural differences, I guess, especially from your sort of Calvinist upbringing, this is something you won't be able to relate to. Maradona had a close relationship with his immediate family.
23:49 Speaker 01 Disgraceful.
23:50 Speaker 03 Yeah. He spent a minimum of $15,000 a month calling his parents and siblings.
23:55 Speaker 01 Calling, calling, on the bar and mobile, how are you racking up that kind of money, calling your parents?
24:01 Speaker 03 I don't know if you can relate to calling your, your, you, so basically you.
24:06 Speaker 01 I'm saving $15,000 a month on not speaking to my family.
24:10 Speaker 03 So you calling your sister nine hours a day, racking up the bills?
24:14 Speaker 01 Fucking hell. That's a waste of time.
24:18 Speaker 02 What are they even chatting about at that point? Surely, like, he's on a lot of gear at this point as well.
24:23 Speaker 03 I guess that's why he's got a lot to chat about. Business like this.
24:27 Speaker 01 So he's like, he's from a 12 year old, he's like, he's unbelievable, Maradona. He is probably the most naturally talented player ever to play.
24:35 Speaker 02 He's my goat. Yeah, he's the most fun. He's the most fun. Character as well.
24:40 Speaker 03 Because I guess the big comparison obviously is Messi, but Messi was mad enough without the gear, I guess. Well, he was sort of doing it without.
24:47 Speaker 02 He had the hormone injections. It's not quite as fun.
24:50 Speaker 03 Yeah, I guess because Messi wasn't banging coke. Maradona did this all on shit pitches while banging coke and brasses.
24:57 Speaker 01 And also had the build of a darts player. That's what's funny about it. It's John Belushi cartwheeling in The Blues Brothers.
25:05 Speaker 01 He scores the greatest goal of all time, all time, while having a BMI of 40.
25:10 Speaker 01 But I mean, one of the great documentaries is the film about Maradona by the guy that did the Amy Winehouse. I always forget the director's name. And they show this footage of this cycle he got into at Napoli where he's like, he'd be training for three days. He'd win a game single-handedly and then go out on a sort of coke and booze mafia field, four day bender. Not sleep. Then basically the next day on a Thursday, treadmill, oxygen mask.
25:39 Speaker 02 Wrapped in cling film sometimes?
25:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:40 Speaker 02 Wrapped in bin bags.
25:41 Speaker 01 Wrapped in bin bags.
25:42 Speaker 02 Sweating the sweat out.
25:44 Speaker 01 And start the whole cycle again. That's basically how Charlie produced this podcast.
25:50 Speaker 01 He's in a bin bag now, just whipping out back there. Asif Kapadia, that's his name. Anyway.
25:54 Speaker 02 That's a great dog. There's another story. The book The Doc is based on has a story that Maradona did coke in the Pope's bathroom.
26:02 Speaker 01 Wow.
26:03 Speaker 02 In the Vatican.
26:04 Speaker 03 Wow.
26:05 Speaker 02 He went on all, he was meeting the Pope and he went on an all night bender the night before and his agent was like, come on, mate, rein it in. But he stayed out. And according to his agent, he demanded to go into the Pope's bog and just put one away.
26:15 Speaker 03 Amazing.
26:16 Speaker 01 Doing lines in the, that's the most.
26:18 Speaker 03 Racking it up on the marble.
26:19 Speaker 01 It's the most Catholic thing I've ever heard, doing cocaine in the Pope's bathroom.
26:23 Speaker 04 But you would like, because for that trip, I think he got invited and his family's all Catholic. It's quite a big honour. So all his mum and dad and he's been on the phone for them constantly. They know about us. They come over and they're at the hotel and you know, you think you're like, you've seen the Pope tomorrow. It's probably an early night, probably, but it's not his bag.
26:43 Speaker 03 In 1985, the Pope invited Diego Maradona to the Vatican to promote an anti-drug campaign.
26:47 Speaker 01 I mean, absolutely hilarious.
26:48 Speaker 04 I didn't know it was an anti-drug campaign as well.
26:50 Speaker 03 Was it more like, look at, look at the state of this?
26:52 Speaker 04 Yeah. Oh, you want to drugs, do you?
26:54 Speaker 03 Well, he's not a great face fan of drugs because it's more like, if I do loads of coke, will I be Maradona? That's brilliant. He's like the face of cocaine. Yeah.
27:05 Speaker 01 So now his first World Cup is 1982, which is in Spain, which has just transitioned.
27:12 Speaker 03 From Franco.
27:14 Speaker 01 From Franco to democracy.
27:17 Speaker 01 So.
27:18 Speaker 03 They're still firing their feet.
27:19 Speaker 01 The main, the main crisis that the tournament is defined by.
27:23 Speaker 03 Britain's southern border.
27:24 Speaker 01 Britain's southern border has been breached.
27:27 Speaker 01 The Argentines, as if it wasn't enough with their hosting a final.
27:31 Speaker 03 A barge with the Argies.
27:32 Speaker 01 Yep. It is overshadowed by the British Hiroshima and the British Nagasaki. The invasion of the Falklands Islands in April 1982.
27:42 Speaker 03 A century defining war crime.
27:44 Speaker 04 Yes. Biggest, biggest injustice to any century.
27:46 Speaker 01 We live in the shadow of the Falkland Islands to this day, as we've said. The British government have to consider if they would participate in a supporting event alongside the aggressor.
27:56 Speaker 03 I mean, yeah, it's a tough question to ask.
27:58 Speaker 01 There were calls for a boycott, as there would be. But then Thatcher goes, well, hang on, that's not, if we boycott, then you're basically giving it.
28:05 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:06 Speaker 01 They've won, haven't they? So Thatcher says, well, it'd be good for morale. So they send, look at her there, resplendent, holding a football.
28:14 Speaker 03 Sports washing, that's great.
28:15 Speaker 04 Kevin Keegan on the left. It's a great trend.
28:17 Speaker 03 Like Brian May.
28:19 Speaker 01 So now in 82, Maradona gets kicked to shit. Is 82 where there's a photo of him going through the Belgian team? There's an iconic photo, is that 86?
28:29 Speaker 04 Weaving.
28:30 Speaker 01 Yeah. Well, there's a, there's a photo of all the Belgian defenders and he's like.
28:35 Speaker 04 He gets kicked a lot.
28:36 Speaker 01 Yes. 23 fouls committed against him in one game.
28:42 Speaker 01 And so what had happened in the Falklands is that Maradona thinks he's playing for the boys. And the Hunter in Argentina have put out like a news blackout. So everyone thinks it's going very well. It's only when the team get to Spain, they read Spanish newspapers and they go, oh, right, Port Stanley has fallen. So he's 21, he's fully grown, 5'5", and he makes his debut distracted by the true nature of the Falklands disaster. From his perspective, they lose 1-0 to Belgium. The next day, June 14th, Port Stanley falls and Argentinians surrender. Rejoice.
29:24 Speaker 03 Rejoice, rejoice.
29:25 Speaker 02 The world is saved. Is it during the tournament that it's all, you know, the sun front page, the gotcha? When they think the Belgrano, is that during the World Cup?
29:34 Speaker 01 Allegedly, allegedly.
29:36 Speaker 02 There's no CCTV for that 15 minutes. The cameras were turned off for that 15 minutes.
29:40 Speaker 01 Belgrano had a hole in it.
29:42 Speaker 02 Gotcha.
29:43 Speaker 03 Oh, your junta.
29:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I suppose this is all leading into the jingo is it's a World Cup summer. I mean, the tabloids are never more rabid than if there's the World Cup. Right. So if there's a war on as well.
29:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's the sun at there, absolutely.
29:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's peak sun. So yeah, Maradona, now is this the World Cup where we get to the second group stage? There's two group stages.
30:03 Speaker 04 There are some weird ones, are there?
30:04 Speaker 02 We have a shit World Cup, don't we?
30:05 Speaker 01 Well, you say that, but we have just recovered the Falklands. So I think that needs to be put into the context of this shit World Cup.
30:11 Speaker 03 We saved the world. No one gave us any credit.
30:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, no.
30:15 Speaker 02 Three world wars.
30:16 Speaker 03 We stood alone.
30:17 Speaker 01 Thank you, Jack. Three world wars.
30:18 Speaker 03 But also we stood alone.
30:19 Speaker 01 Again, we stand alone.
30:20 Speaker 03 You know, the world expects us to be the global policeman for them.
30:24 Speaker 01 It's not tenable. We're stretched, you know? We've sorted out Germany, we've sorted out Korea, and now you're asking to sort out the Falklands. I mean, guys, what is the UN for if it's not to sort out the Falklands? So yeah, as I said, Maradona gets kicked to shit and by a guy called Claudio Gentia, who's, is he, I don't know, he's Belgian or something. When told he was playing too aggressively, Gentia said, football is not for ballerinas.
30:50 Speaker 04 Not so, not so Gentia after all.
30:53 Speaker 01 Our lovely stuff. Our ballerinas doing coke in a Pope's bathroom. That's my.
30:58 Speaker 01 Maradona gets sent off in a game against Brazil in their final match for violently kicking Brazilian midfielder Batista in the groin, which you can see a photo of there. Yeah, that's not cricket.
31:10 Speaker 02 It was retaliation.
31:11 Speaker 01 It's not Dave Bautista.
31:13 Speaker 02 Right, Batista the wrestler.
31:14 Speaker 01 Not him. So, but as you say, in the 80s, he then moves to Napoli in, what, 82?
31:19 Speaker 03 Wait, hold on, who won that World Cup then?
31:21 Speaker 01 Is it Germany?
31:22 Speaker 02 What year was it?
31:22 Speaker 01 82.
31:24 Speaker 02 Was it Italy?
31:26 Speaker 01 It's Italy. No.
31:27 Speaker 03 Do we go out the group stage?
31:28 Speaker 01 There's a second group stage that we go out. Brian Robson.
31:32 Speaker 00 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the Houseman Jody Pack dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.
32:02 Speaker 05 He built the first planet-wide media empire.
32:05 Speaker 06 He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.
32:10 Speaker 05 He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power and legacy.
32:14 Speaker 06 This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.
32:18 Speaker 05 Join me, Dorian Linsky.
32:20 Speaker 06 And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.
32:26 Speaker 05 That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.
32:34 Speaker 01 Plays. We lose to Spain or draw against them? Anyway, it's not. We have a terrific kit at 82. That's the Admiral one.
32:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:40 Speaker 01 That now has been resold and the most boring cunts in the world buy, so it's ruined the kit. But so let's talk about Maradona in the 80s in Napoli. You guys have done extensive research on Maradona.
32:55 Speaker 02 Yeah. So I mentioned the cocaine use, but he dodged it with a fake penis. Because obviously you've got to take drug tests in the 80s.
33:02 Speaker 03 Right.
33:03 Speaker 02 So he had a thing, apparently quite big.
33:05 Speaker 01 Prosthetic.
33:06 Speaker 02 The thing is, if you're going to get a prosthetic cock.
33:07 Speaker 04 To dodge drugs test, you're gonna make it, you make it a biggie.
33:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, no one asks for a small one.
33:11 Speaker 01 Well, it's gonna be, it's gonna be realistic.
33:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:12 Speaker 01 Yeah. You can't be pulling out a massive fake schlong.
33:15 Speaker 02 I mean, maybe.
33:16 Speaker 03 Well, I don't know, it's more like in snooker, when you get the, the big one out. That's what I'd want.
33:20 Speaker 02 It's just like a, a big rest.
33:22 Speaker 01 A big cock to put your other cock.
33:24 Speaker 03 And it's not cheating to do that in snooker, it's just sometimes you can't reach across the table. It's just like, it's a step up.
33:29 Speaker 04 You need one of those.
33:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:30 Speaker 04 To put your cock up when you're going for a piss.
33:31 Speaker 02 But he, he fills it with like baby urine or something.
33:35 Speaker 04 Yeah.
33:35 Speaker 01 Where's he getting that from?
33:36 Speaker 02 Home.
33:37 Speaker 01 Right. See, he sort of, he sort of takes his son's piss to do drug tests. It's sort of Brian Johnson-esque, isn't it? Comparing his, comparing erections.
33:46 Speaker 02 In a way.
33:46 Speaker 01 Brian Johnson compares erections with his son.
33:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
33:48 Speaker 03 There's a link with, for him and Maradona, I guess, but they live quite, they have quite different philosophies.
33:52 Speaker 01 Very different lives.
33:53 Speaker 02 Have you seen Brian Johnson's latest, that he's measuring his girlfriend's vaginal pH?
33:56 Speaker 01 Well, thank God someone is.
33:58 Speaker 02 The new KPI.
33:58 Speaker 03 So is he getting one of those pieces of paper, sticking it in and it's turning purple?
34:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:03 Speaker 02 Checking the oil.
34:04 Speaker 03 Yeah. You've got to.
34:06 Speaker 01 You've got to change the oil of the oil.
34:07 Speaker 02 Apparently she's top one percent.
34:09 Speaker 01 Sorry?
34:09 Speaker 02 Top one percent of vaginas.
34:10 Speaker 01 So imagine if she wasn't.
34:12 Speaker 02 For acidity?
34:12 Speaker 01 In pH terms.
34:14 Speaker 04 Do you want acidity or alkaline?
34:16 Speaker 02 I guess you want the neutral, don't you? You want to be six on the scale.
34:19 Speaker 01 No, that's water.
34:21 Speaker 01 You want slight acidity, I think.
34:23 Speaker 02 Slight acidity.
34:23 Speaker 04 Whatever, she's got the best one.
34:24 Speaker 07 You want it to be some, somewhere between 3.8 and 4.5.
34:27 Speaker 01 Yes, you want it to be quite.
34:28 Speaker 02 Is that a vagina or water?
34:30 Speaker 01 That alkaline or is that acidity?
34:31 Speaker 07 That is.
34:31 Speaker 03 Acidic.
34:32 Speaker 07 Highly acidic, which naturally prevents the overgrowth of harmful bacteria.
34:35 Speaker 02 Right.
34:35 Speaker 01 There's a, there's a vinegriness to it.
34:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:38 Speaker 03 Vinegar. It's a white wine vinegar.
34:40 Speaker 02 A sharpness.
34:40 Speaker 01 Yes, it's, it, you don't want a raw apple cider vinegar with bits of it.
34:44 Speaker 02 No, no.
34:44 Speaker 03 But you want a bit of sharpness. You don't want basteri acid.
34:47 Speaker 01 You don't want to compoot your mother down there. All right? You want, um.
34:51 Speaker 02 Sausage, sausage, vinegar.
34:52 Speaker 01 Yeah. Bit of balsamic to just sort of drizzle over the bottom of it.
34:55 Speaker 07 In the days leading up to your period, your, um, your vaginal environment slightly becomes more alkaline, apparently.
35:01 Speaker 03 Your vaginal environment?
35:02 Speaker 01 Your vaginal envi, is that my house?
35:05 Speaker 02 Your ecosystem.
35:06 Speaker 01 My vaginal environment becomes more alkaline. Interesting.
35:09 Speaker 02 Anyway, so he fills it with.
35:10 Speaker 07 More yoghurt.
35:12 Speaker 01 Thank you.
35:12 Speaker 02 Fills it with, with baby urine and then just does the tests. And they just think that's him. Mike Tyson did it as well, didn't he?
35:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:19 Speaker 03 It's a classic.
35:20 Speaker 02 It's called the Wizardator. This device is big in the eighties.
35:22 Speaker 01 So it must be the precursor to the Shiwei.
35:24 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah. I think they've been repurposed.
35:26 Speaker 03 So now they're stopping the, how do they get around that now?
35:28 Speaker 02 I think now you have, maybe you have to do it in front of them or.
35:31 Speaker 01 So hang on, Billy.
35:31 Speaker 03 Well, maybe someone has to have a little tug on it just to make sure. Like, like checking for wigs or anything.
35:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, quick search.
35:38 Speaker 01 But if he's using a fake penis, he must be doing it in the same room as the person running the test.
35:42 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah. Cause he does it after the, oh, what, jumping ahead, I won't say.
35:45 Speaker 03 Oh, he wears a fake penis all day.
35:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, maybe that's it.
35:48 Speaker 02 It ends, anyway, it ends up in a museum and then someone breaks in and nicks it and it's never been found.
35:53 Speaker 01 Well, Pickles is dead.
35:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:54 Speaker 01 Yeah. Of course.
35:55 Speaker 02 I smell a rat.
35:56 Speaker 01 I smell a rat. So, uh, yeah. So in Napoli, he goes mental. He gets in with the mafia. He's doing coke. He becomes a kind of hero.
36:06 Speaker 03 Of Napoli, he's still.
36:07 Speaker 01 He's still, he's basically god in Napoli.
36:09 Speaker 02 I think it's the most romantic player club combo.
36:11 Speaker 01 Yes.
36:12 Speaker 02 Cause obviously they win the league under him, which they haven't done.
36:14 Speaker 01 Yeah. I don't think they'd ever want it, no. No.
36:16 Speaker 02 And the UEFA Cup, I think he leads as well.
36:19 Speaker 01 The Wizardator, the original synthetic urine product.
36:21 Speaker 03 Original.
36:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, you can still get them now.
36:23 Speaker 01 Oh, my days.
36:25 Speaker 03 Discreet. Yeah, not that discreet. Let's go a bit more.
36:28 Speaker 01 Just touch and go. So, but is this a company that sells this for, to fake a drug test?
36:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, but I'm not, who's falling for that?
36:37 Speaker 01 No other prosthetic synthetic urine device or fake dildo matches the Wizardator.
36:42 Speaker 02 Or fake dildo.
36:43 Speaker 01 Right.
36:44 Speaker 02 It's a multi-purpose. It's a Swiss army knife of a gadget.
36:47 Speaker 01 Okay. Shout out to our partner.
36:50 Speaker 07 Black, brown, Latino, tan or white.
36:51 Speaker 01 Lovely.
36:52 Speaker 03 Let's have a look at, um, oh, Latino. What's Latino?
36:55 Speaker 02 That's Maradona.
36:56 Speaker 01 That is not a, that's not for anyone. If I pulled that out at a drug test.
37:01 Speaker 02 I think Maradona could.
37:03 Speaker 03 Latino.
37:04 Speaker 01 I reckon that's.
37:04 Speaker 03 Let's see how, let's see how white white goes.
37:06 Speaker 01 Because it's, yeah, even the whitest.
37:10 Speaker 01 To be fair, they've nailed it. They've nailed it. They are, they know what they're doing. So that's an extraordinary company. That's our partner for this episode, the Wizardator Touch.
37:20 Speaker 02 What's the RRP on one of them?
37:22 Speaker 01 $129.
37:23 Speaker 02 $129?
37:25 Speaker 03 It's steep, but you know.
37:26 Speaker 02 If that gets you to keep your job at Napoli.
37:30 Speaker 01 Shout out Wizardator.
37:31 Speaker 07 And they also do, they do flashlights as well.
37:33 Speaker 01 Of course they do.
37:34 Speaker 03 They do a whole range of stuff.
37:36 Speaker 02 So is this website, is it a sex thing or a drug test?
37:40 Speaker 07 No, I don't think it's drugs.
37:42 Speaker 02 Just chuck in a flashlight. Because Baradona was doing a lot of shagging then as well. He wasn't flash lighting. And apparently, according to one mistress in Napoli, his thing was he liked to suck their big toe.
37:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, makes sense.
37:54 Speaker 01 He's a wrong one. He's an absolute wrong one.
37:55 Speaker 02 It's unusual.
37:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:57 Speaker 02 For a footballer, maybe that's his.
37:59 Speaker 01 I reckon, I reckon Chris Sutton and Gareth Southgate are flash lighting before games.
38:03 Speaker 02 Yep. I said no shagging's allowed, but you can flash light.
38:05 Speaker 01 You can flash light, yes.
38:07 Speaker 02 Yes. With your socks on.
38:09 Speaker 01 Full kit, full kit, shin pads, flashlight.
38:11 Speaker 03 As quickly as possible. It's about my relationship with my own flashlight.
38:15 Speaker 01 One of my favourite videos is Gareth Southgate when they talk about, they're interviewing all the Villa team about the drinks. The drinks, yeah. And they're all like, oh yeah, I have 10 pints in the week. I like a rum and coke. And he gets to Southgate and he goes, well, I mainly drink water, but on the weekend, I'll have a couple of pints.
38:30 Speaker 02 I like water and stuff like that. Stuff like that.
38:34 Speaker 01 Hugo Aghyogs doing Guinness, 10 Guinnesses or whatever.
38:37 Speaker 07 Has how you approach foreplay changed with marriage or does it?
38:41 Speaker 01 How I approach foreplay?
38:42 Speaker 07 Does it?
38:43 Speaker 03 Tactically, strategically.
38:45 Speaker 07 Is it more kind of no nonsense or is it more?
38:48 Speaker 01 I suppose I have got more Sam Allardyce, yeah, I think.
38:51 Speaker 03 Whereas you used to be more total football in the 70s.
38:54 Speaker 01 I was a dutchman in the bedroom. I was a dutchman in the bedroom, yeah, of course, switching positions.
38:59 Speaker 02 Sombrero flick.
39:00 Speaker 03 An overload on the right wing. You've got another guy from the...
39:04 Speaker 01 Where's he come from? Yep, that's, that's, yeah, that's a hired help, yep. Substitutions, but no, now it's pretty much.
39:11 Speaker 02 It's meat and potatoes stuff.
39:12 Speaker 01 It's gone back to the 30s already.
39:14 Speaker 03 I mean, the ideal goal will be from a goal kick, two touches.
39:17 Speaker 01 The perfect game.
39:19 Speaker 03 Bang, touch, bang.
39:20 Speaker 01 The perfect game ends 0-0. Neither of us are coming. Neither of us are coming.
39:26 Speaker 01 No one comes. We're going to go, we're going to sleep.
39:27 Speaker 03 It's possession based, technically. Hold on to it.
39:30 Speaker 01 Hold on to the orgasm. Don't let them have a, don't let them have a, they can't have one if you have one.
39:33 Speaker 03 You've got a man mark.
39:34 Speaker 01 If you have one, they can't have one.
39:37 Speaker 01 Cut as early as possible.
39:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:39 Speaker 01 And then they can't have one.
39:40 Speaker 02 And then you win.
39:40 Speaker 01 And you shut up shop.
39:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:42 Speaker 01 Get it into the corner flag. But that means shove your dick in a toe or something. No, no.
39:49 Speaker 03 Run the clock down.
39:50 Speaker 01 Wind it down. Maradona becomes great friends with Fidel Castro in 1886.
39:56 Speaker 03 They're similar fellows though, I think they have a similar approach to life.
39:59 Speaker 01 Is that a fellow of him with bleached hair? Christ, I didn't know he had it. He's got a massive tattoo of Che Guevara on his arm.
40:04 Speaker 02 This is quite a big coke face, the bleached hair.
40:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:07 Speaker 02 It's quite large though.
40:08 Speaker 01 So Maradona is a...
40:09 Speaker 03 But he's got a godlike, um, he's got, can you get off the screen?
40:14 Speaker 07 Fidel Astro.
40:16 Speaker 01 It's not good. It's not good.
40:18 Speaker 07 Does it not work?
40:19 Speaker 01 It does not work.
40:21 Speaker 03 Get that off the screen.
40:23 Speaker 01 Fidel Astro.
40:24 Speaker 07 Fiddle Astro.
40:25 Speaker 01 It does not work. Fiddle Astro.
40:28 Speaker 02 Fiddle Astro.
40:31 Speaker 03 But also, we didn't say he was having anal, so it doesn't link.
40:34 Speaker 01 It doesn't make sense. Charlie put on the screen, did Fidel Castro like anal?
40:37 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:38 Speaker 01 Because he wanted us to set him up for a pun that was Fidel Arstro.
40:42 Speaker 03 But yeah, there was no tidbit or fact that Fidel liked anal.
40:45 Speaker 01 He's pissing himself out there. Absolute idiot.
40:48 Speaker 07 It doesn't not work.
40:48 Speaker 01 It does not work.
40:50 Speaker 02 Fidel Castrate, maybe? Not even.
40:53 Speaker 03 But it's not related to anything.
40:54 Speaker 01 Nothing we were talking about, anyway.
40:55 Speaker 03 Fidel Castro came in this story about five seconds.
40:58 Speaker 01 Let's get, let's get to 86. Now, in 86, Colombia were meant to host the World Cup, but their economy went through the floor because of the, like, the FARC, drug wars.
41:07 Speaker 03 The FARC?
41:08 Speaker 01 Fucking hell, mate.
41:09 Speaker 03 What's going on here?
41:10 Speaker 01 What the fuck? What the fucking hell, mate? What do they call it?
41:14 Speaker 03 We've got no fucking money.
41:18 Speaker 03 What's the FARC?
41:19 Speaker 01 It's called FARC, isn't it?
41:20 Speaker 03 FARC?
41:22 Speaker 02 Country is FARC.
41:23 Speaker 03 Fuck this, man. Ah, fuck, I'm gonna bust.
41:26 Speaker 01 Fucking hell, we can't, well, we've got no fucking stadiums.
41:30 Speaker 03 Fuck.
41:30 Speaker 02 With a C.
41:32 Speaker 01 Colombia, they, so they're the...
41:33 Speaker 03 What is it, what is it?
41:34 Speaker 07 It's the guerrillas.
41:35 Speaker 01 It's the guerrilla, it's the drug, the guerrilla army and stuff. Anyway, uh...
41:39 Speaker 03 Fucking hell.
41:40 Speaker 01 They...
41:42 Speaker 01 It's the first, it's the first time that a company, first time a country's won the World Cup and then resigned from hosting it, because they just couldn't do it. So Mexico, Mexico take it again. And
41:53 Speaker 03 I quite rate that though. Oh, please, can I have it? Do you want it? No.
41:56 Speaker 01 I can't do it mate, it's too fucking hot.
41:58 Speaker 03 Is it another iconic not today?
42:01 Speaker 01 It is another iconic, one of the first iconic not todays was the Egyptians in 1930.
42:06 Speaker 03 Missing the boat.
42:07 Speaker 01 Missed the boat, not today.
42:08 Speaker 03 Not this month.
42:09 Speaker 01 No, not this month, not this World Cup. And then again, yep, Colombia can't handle it. So
42:15 Speaker 03 Can you put it on? I can't be bothered. Can you do it?
42:19 Speaker 01 I thought we have to do it, that was so hot. Now, Mexico had a massive earthquake just before Mexico, 5,000 people died. And then the Mexican government basically used the World Cup to mask their own failures.
42:33 Speaker 03 This is every World Cup, pretty much.
42:34 Speaker 01 In disaster relief, yeah. So the key geopolitical tension is in the quarterfinal between England and Argentina. This is like dad lore.
42:45 Speaker 03 Yes. My dad still goes on about it. My dad calls Maradona a fucking cheating bastard.
42:52 Speaker 01 Yeah. My dad and my uncle, they would still talk about this. In the same conversation about like the war, did they talk about this as if they fought
42:58 Speaker 03 As if it was a thing from the war.
43:00 Speaker 01 Them watching this was like them fighting on a D-Day bitch. No, you don't get it. You didn't see it. I could see on live, he touched it, live. So Argentina, this is retribution for the Falklands, right. Whereas for England, it's just, you know, surely it's retribution for us. I mean, you fucking invaded. Maradona said in his autobiography, it was like beating a country, not a football team. Although we had said before the game, football had nothing to do with the Malvinas War, we knew they'd killed a lot of Argentine boys there, killed them like little birds. And this was revenge. You started it.
43:37 Speaker 01 Get off our southern border, okay? So, uh, now, there were tensions from the off, right? Within the crowd, people are like, I mean, we're going for it.
43:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:49 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:50 Speaker 03 Well, this is what the World Cup's all about, though, isn't it?
43:52 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:52 Speaker 03 Fighting a war on a football pitch.
43:54 Speaker 01 Well, that's what Jules Romaine, who founded it, it fought in the First World War and he was trying to make a cipher of war.
43:59 Speaker 04 It's like an outlet.
44:00 Speaker 01 Yeah. No, it's another theatre of war.
44:02 Speaker 03 It's another theatre of war.
44:03 Speaker 01 Yeah. Let's open up a new front.
44:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, you completely misunderstood it, Jules. Fuck off.
44:07 Speaker 04 It's about reinforcing existing wars.
44:09 Speaker 03 Yes, exactly, yeah.
44:11 Speaker 04 I think Carlos Tevez's dad, or uncle, was at, was at, was fought in the Falklands. And as a result, Tevez refused to ever learn English when he was at Man United.
44:22 Speaker 02 Lived in England for like nine years, just never heard it.
44:25 Speaker 01 He was a spy.
44:25 Speaker 03 I mean, Tevez is kind of quite a fascinating player, right? Because he seemed to hate football.
44:29 Speaker 04 But we're talking ugly players.
44:30 Speaker 02 He's pretty hideous.
44:31 Speaker 03 He's pretty hideous. Uh, he loved going to Disneyland.
44:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's a simpleton.
44:36 Speaker 03 Yeah, but he just like, would, he just hated football. He never seemed to, even though he was an unbelievable player, he just hated playing.
44:43 Speaker 04 He loves Peaky Blinders. That's the one time he'll speak English, is to say, by order of the Peaky Blinders.
44:47 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:48 Speaker 01 So there are these two iconic moments in the same game.
44:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:53 Speaker 01 The first is that, uh, there's a, someone kicks the ball in the air.
44:58 Speaker 02 Steve Hodge.
44:59 Speaker 01 Uh, and then Maradona fucking punches it into the goal.
45:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:02 Speaker 02 And Maradona is five foot five and Peter Shilton in goal is over six foot.
45:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:07 Speaker 02 And he gets outjumped.
45:07 Speaker 01 I mean, you can see the photo of it now. It's Clear as Day.
45:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:12 Speaker 01 Yet another war crime to add to the list. First, they invade Port Stanley, then they punch the ball into the net. The ref, who's the referee? Who's the referee? What nation is the referee?
45:23 Speaker 03 Let's have a look at that.
45:24 Speaker 01 Come on. Who is officiating the 86 game?
45:27 Speaker 02 That's straight up, our dad's watching that game, isn't it? Where's the ref from?
45:30 Speaker 01 Al, Ali Binassar from Tunisia.
45:32 Speaker 02 Tunisia, okay.
45:33 Speaker 01 The Tunisian ref. I really like it.
45:35 Speaker 03 Bin Laden.
45:37 Speaker 01 Bin Laden is refereeing. Where is it, Charlie?
45:39 Speaker 02 You know, my mate lives next to the Bin Ladens in Dorset, apparently. A lot of the Bin Ladens live in Dorset.
45:43 Speaker 04 Yeah.
45:44 Speaker 01 Are you sure it's the Bin Laden's?
45:45 Speaker 07 No, it's the Bin Laden's.
45:47 Speaker 01 The Bin Laden's live in Dorset.
45:48 Speaker 07 My mate Charlie is neighbours with the Bin Laden's in Dorset.
45:52 Speaker 01 What do they do in Dorset?
45:53 Speaker 07 They're pretty nice, yeah.
45:54 Speaker 02 One of them's like a sort of like Insta influencer hottie, isn't she?
45:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, and one of them's a painter, like an artist.
46:01 Speaker 07 They're like an aristocratic.
46:02 Speaker 01 I know they're a rich Saudi family, yeah.
46:04 Speaker 07 But they just like to go to the beach.
46:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, and this is like, he was like one of 12. If one of them's a terrorist, like, you shouldn't be judged for what your siblings do.
46:11 Speaker 02 No.
46:12 Speaker 03 You're allowed to live in Dorset as a building.
46:14 Speaker 01 I feel like we're just rehabilitating Bin Laden out of nowhere.
46:18 Speaker 01 People are listening to the story of the World Cup and go, well, let's just rehabilitate.
46:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, but he's just a bad egg.
46:22 Speaker 01 He is. Well, one out of 12, I guess.
46:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, exactly.
46:24 Speaker 01 You buy 12 eggs, one of them will be smashed. Anyway, so Maradona punches the ball into the net. The Tunisian ref, I was gonna say is I really like it. There's a particular type of dad who can't mention a ref without the nationality.
46:36 Speaker 07 Nationality, yeah.
46:37 Speaker 02 It's my dad's first question.
46:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:39 Speaker 02 Every game.
46:40 Speaker 01 Where's the ref from?
46:40 Speaker 02 Oh, there you go.
46:41 Speaker 01 Well, this game's void.
46:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's Tunisian.
46:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:43 Speaker 07 You know what they're like.
46:44 Speaker 03 You know what they're like.
46:46 Speaker 07 You remember that big stand-up?
46:48 Speaker 01 What are the Tunisians like, dad? What do they do? Minutes later, he scores what is undeniably the goal of the century, which we should get on, because it is, it is pretty glorious, where he runs 60 yards, basically from his own heart, from his own half, beats everyone, and let's get some Argentinian commentary out.
47:11 Speaker 03 Oh, it's still in.
47:14 Speaker 03 Uh, sorry.
47:14 Speaker 01 Well, that's not fair.
47:15 Speaker 03 Excuse me.
47:17 Speaker 03 Oh, that's cheating.
47:20 Speaker 03 It feels like, it feels like, it's like the British defence is incredibly polite.
47:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
47:27 Speaker 03 It's all like the awkward, yeah.
47:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, sorry.
47:28 Speaker 03 Sorry, can I, could I squeeze past?
47:30 Speaker 01 Can I just stop you right there? Oh, no, sorry.
47:32 Speaker 03 Uh, excuse me.
47:33 Speaker 01 Come back, please, come back. No, I'm not finished talking to you.
47:37 Speaker 03 Sorry, that's, are you allowed on this floor?
47:39 Speaker 01 Now, could we, could we just replay the commentary and instead play footage of the Brits taking Port Stanley, please?
47:47 Speaker 01 Just for the listeners at home, I'd like to see Britain entering Port Stanley in June 82.
47:53 Speaker 02 Flag raised.
47:54 Speaker 01 Flag raised. Just play that, Charlie, just play that, and then put the sound of the Argentinian commentary on.
48:02 Speaker 01 Lovely stuff. Glorious to watch.
48:07 Speaker 01 Oh, and another one. He's got past another one.
48:08 Speaker 02 Oh, look at that.
48:14 Speaker 01 Absolutely brilliant. They tend to the wounded. They tend to the wounded. Yeah.
48:19 Speaker 02 Oh, helicopter.
48:21 Speaker 03 It's a bit of a fun one. England, Argentina is a bit of a fun one because it's random.
48:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:25 Speaker 03 Unexpected. It's just like, it's a bit of a like-
48:29 Speaker 02 And the football keeps happening as well, 98 and-
48:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's fun, just like, I guess we hate the Argentinians.
48:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:35 Speaker 03 Who'd have thunk it?
48:36 Speaker 01 Having a random rival, really.
48:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's nice.
48:38 Speaker 07 Did you want Argentina to win the World Cup with Messi?
48:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, I did, yeah.
48:41 Speaker 07 So how much does your hatred for Argentina weigh up against you?
48:44 Speaker 02 I didn't.
48:45 Speaker 03 Did you not because of this?
48:46 Speaker 02 Because I can't forgive.
48:49 Speaker 03 I like that, so that's a real-
48:50 Speaker 01 I like that, I like that.
48:51 Speaker 03 I respect that. No, you had to, Messi's transcendent.
48:54 Speaker 01 Jack watched that final with his back turned like this. Paul Golding.
48:59 Speaker 02 He's watching EastEnders.
49:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, but what, let the French win?
49:02 Speaker 02 That was a complicated one because he also got the 100 years war, which I haven't really, I haven't really got over that.
49:06 Speaker 03 It goes deep with the French and the Argentinians.
49:08 Speaker 02 Sporting Qatar that tournament.
49:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly. Football won that tournament. No, yeah, I, but that was one of the great footballing finals. But also what I liked about that final is that, so this era, and Maradona's the same as Pele, is this was where a player would, could win the World Cup almost on their own. Or at least the narrative of like, you've ascended to the football gods because you won the World Cup.
49:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, Maradona's World Cup.
49:31 Speaker 01 Maradona's World Cup, Pele's World Cup.
49:33 Speaker 03 Mussolini's World Cup.
49:34 Speaker 01 Mussolini's World Cup. You've ascended to the pantheon of the greats, right?
49:37 Speaker 02 And you sang Messi.
49:38 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, but by the time Messi won it, that story was gone because you couldn't do that anymore because it was more about the Champions League. Whereas Messi winning the World Cup felt like, when I was watching footage from the 1970 World Cup, and it felt like a sort of a true sporting narrative.
49:55 Speaker 03 Also felt like, the closest to like true history, watching it live. It felt so historic, such a moment.
50:00 Speaker 01 Because Salt Bay was there.
50:01 Speaker 03 Salt Bay, exactly. Yeah. Literally, this moment, it's so emotional, greatest game ever, within 10 seconds.
50:07 Speaker 02 He's just salting the trophy.
50:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:09 Speaker 02 Just salting it.
50:10 Speaker 01 And then the guy-
50:10 Speaker 03 And you're brought back to earth and you realise, God, everything is crap.
50:13 Speaker 01 And then was it that Women's World Cup where the head of the FA started kissing the players?
50:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, right after that.
50:18 Speaker 03 She was giving them the eyes.
50:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, yeah, what were they wearing? What were they wearing? Football kit. You can't be doing that. Red, black, t-shirt, ball. Come on.
50:28 Speaker 01 Now, uh-
50:29 Speaker 03 And his mother, this is Luis Rubales, his mother went on the lowest stake hunger strike of all time.
50:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, the shortest hunger strike.
50:34 Speaker 02 In a church, yeah.
50:35 Speaker 03 She went to church, so she was hunger striked for maybe 10 hours.
50:38 Speaker 01 Not even sure she missed a meal, actually.
50:41 Speaker 04 That's just intimate and
50:43 Speaker 01 My hunger strike between breakfast and lunch.
50:44 Speaker 03 It's very healthy actually.
50:45 Speaker 01 I can't do this anymore. I can't do this. Please.
50:51 Speaker 01 So, yeah, now Argentina go on to win the World Cup in 86.
50:57 Speaker 01 A disgrace.
50:59 Speaker 01 But again, Maradona, it's a new trophy. When's the new trophy coming? Is it for 86?
51:03 Speaker 04 When? It's Brazil.
51:04 Speaker 02 1970, I think. That's the.
51:06 Speaker 01 Oh, so it's been a new trophy since then.
51:08 Speaker 02 The pick of him holding the trophy.
51:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's great. It's a. And then Maradona's story, to finish that off, because he, when does he retire from football?
51:19 Speaker 04 He gets, it all goes wrong in Naples. He sort of loses protection from the authorities and he fails a drug test.
51:25 Speaker 07 He fails a drug test.
51:25 Speaker 04 Flees to Argentina where he's then bust, he gets banned from football for 15 months.
51:29 Speaker 03 Did he fail a drug test during a game?
51:31 Speaker 01 I think it's after a game.
51:32 Speaker 03 Oh, right. Because he had that celebration.
51:34 Speaker 04 The wizard has been robbed by this boy.
51:36 Speaker 01 1990 or 94. In 94, he gets led off by a nurse.
51:41 Speaker 03 Because in celebration, he's like, he's gurning.
51:44 Speaker 02 Because they drug test him after the Hand of God game as well.
51:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:47 Speaker 02 And apparently he admits it to whoever's the England player called for the test, he says.
51:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:51 Speaker 04 Wasn't it, wasn't the England player Steve Hodge who then got his, got his shirt?
51:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:57 Speaker 04 They, they, um, so Steve Hodge, like, yeah, they got called in for the drugs testing. Maradona's obviously like smug as fuck. He's just handballed it in. And he asks him for his, his shirt and it's like, I'll just keep this. Goes back to the England dressing room. Obviously everyone is like fucked off that he's, he's got married. He got the fucking little cheating weasels shirt. And a few years ago, he sold it for, what was it? Seven, seven million, nine mil.
52:23 Speaker 07 Is he, is he doing it because he loves cocaine or is he doing it to be better at football?
52:25 Speaker 02 He starts like that.
52:26 Speaker 01 I think it's, I think it's loving. He loves cocaine.
52:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, it doesn't help.
52:29 Speaker 07 It's not for the game.
52:30 Speaker 01 I mean, you're not, you're not doing cocaine because you love football.
52:32 Speaker 07 No, I just love cocaine.
52:33 Speaker 01 You love cocaine, yeah. I think, I think that's the thing with cocaine. There's no ulterior motive.
52:37 Speaker 03 Is it formless enhancing as a producer, doing the concoction of drugs you do on the weekend?
52:41 Speaker 07 I think it's hurting my performance.
52:43 Speaker 01 I'd say it is.
52:43 Speaker 04 Get the bin bag on.
52:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think so.
52:46 Speaker 02 But yeah, he then goes to Argentina and they bust him with like 500 grams of coke.
52:50 Speaker 04 I think that's a ridiculous amount.
52:52 Speaker 01 It's a bag of flour.
52:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, he gets a slap on the wrist, obviously.
52:54 Speaker 01 Right, of course. Um, now the, when he goes back to, now Italia 90, uh, this is where Maradona falls foul of the, uh,
53:06 Speaker 01 Napoli crowd, because he basically splits Italy in two. He basically makes it like a north-south thing by saying to the Napoli lot, "The north hate you."
53:17 Speaker 02 He says Naples isn't Italy.
53:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:19 Speaker 02 And so they support him, because he's just won them the league.
53:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
53:22 Speaker 02 He's god.
53:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, he is god. So that means that when there's a game in Naples in the south against Italy, a lot of the Italian fans are supporting Argentina.
53:30 Speaker 03 Wow.
53:31 Speaker 02 As a semi-final.
53:32 Speaker 03 They're like Scousers, aren't they?
53:33 Speaker 01 They are. Naples are the Scousers of Italy.
53:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:36 Speaker 02 And they do a poll of worst villain of the 20th century in northern Italy, and he wins it by miles. Beats Hitler. Yeah, Hitler's like distant fifth.
53:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:44 Speaker 01 Well, it's northern Italy.
53:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
53:48 Speaker 01 So, Italian 90 is kind of England's great rehabilitation, because the 80s have been dogged by hooliganism, which we're going to be talking about on the Patreon. There've been a lot of stadium disasters, some funnier than others.
53:59 Speaker 03 This is the more romantic. This is the more romantic.
54:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, Pavrotti.
54:04 Speaker 02 This is the best World Cup, isn't it?
54:05 Speaker 03 One of them.
54:06 Speaker 02 I think it's considered the most fun.
54:09 Speaker 01 Right.
54:09 Speaker 02 Because you've got the Maradona story.
54:11 Speaker 03 Cameroon.
54:11 Speaker 02 England do well. Yeah, Cameroon, Roger Miller's there.
54:14 Speaker 01 Roger Miller, what a player.
54:15 Speaker 03 Invincibles, celebrating.
54:17 Speaker 01 But this is when African teams, like, they throw off the shackles of the Zaire thing, and Cameroon actually perform well.
54:22 Speaker 02 Yeah. It's the beginning of Germany ruin it by winning on penalties, though.
54:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:26 Speaker 02 Is it the least corrupt one so far?
54:28 Speaker 01 No, because the mafia get all the government contracts and build all the stadiums. And, yeah, it's a complete racketeering job. So they put the money that FIFA gives to Italy basically goes all into the Italian underground economy, like.
54:44 Speaker 02 The Italian economy.
54:45 Speaker 01 The Italian, sorry, the Italian economy. Yeah, you're right.
54:47 Speaker 02 In a way, I like that, though. I think it's a bit more sort of, it's Italian, it's very homespun. Compared to like, the corruption today, which is just like state-sponsored stuff. Just, you know, give some sort of hardworking Don Corleone types.
55:01 Speaker 03 Small corruption as opposed to big corruption.
55:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess it's more romantic in Italy, because if you're not corrupt in Italy, why are you going to Italy?
55:08 Speaker 03 We all like The Godfather.
55:09 Speaker 01 Yeah. We all like a holiday once in a while.
55:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
55:12 Speaker 01 Go to Italy.
55:13 Speaker 03 I don't think you could do The Godfather with Gian Infantino. It just doesn't really work as well.
55:17 Speaker 02 Today, on I Am Gay.
55:20 Speaker 03 You'll come to me on the day of my gay.
55:23 Speaker 01 My day daughter's wedding. My disabled daughter's wedding. My migrant worker's daughter's wedding.
55:33 Speaker 01 Don Gianni. So it's known for like the Gazzas Tears, obviously. And Lineker does a big sloppy pool of the pitch. Which is what he was going to name his production company. Then he called it Goalhanger.
55:46 Speaker 03 I think that's better.
55:46 Speaker 01 It was gonna be called Big Sloppy Pool of Pitch Production.
55:48 Speaker 03 What am I most known for?
55:51 Speaker 01 Sorry.
55:51 Speaker 03 Shit on the pitch.
55:53 Speaker 01 Or being a goal hanger. Oh, tough. Yeah. Anyway.
55:58 Speaker 02 Anyway, that's when Maradona loses his protection from the Italian authorities. Because they're so angry at him for dividing Italy. They're like, right, fuck this guy. Rip the whizinator off, let's have a proper test.
56:08 Speaker 01 So by the end of the eighties, 1990, Italian nineties, like football is undeniably big business now. England fans are rehabilitated. Television means the whole thing's watched globally. The tournament's value no longer lies in the prestige, but in its commercial and geopolitical influence. And it's about to enter its most lucrative age, the nineties. And probably the most nakedly corrupt era. That's what I'd say the journey is, is that.
56:33 Speaker 03 Or is there just more cameras now?
56:35 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, I'd say.
56:36 Speaker 03 Because I mean, imagine this 4K cameras, but it's Mussolini's World Cup.
56:39 Speaker 01 That's what I mean, yeah.
56:40 Speaker 03 There was like, instead of like, there's four photos of the entire 1928 World Cup. Like, that's why it's not naked. Imagine the shit they were getting away with. I mean, there was that one game where the referee was playing basically up front for the other team.
56:51 Speaker 01 No, the referee intercepted a pass. Yeah, just basically, just, yeah. So we're gonna carry on the story in our final part, which is really on the Patreon. The Upside Boys are gonna stick around for our exclusive episode on hooliganism. Or rather, they already have, because now it's Monday and they did that last week.
57:10 Speaker 03 We don't know what's happened.
57:10 Speaker 01 They've already stuck around.
57:11 Speaker 03 We can only apologise.
57:12 Speaker 01 Incredible. Join the Patreon and also watch the Upshot, check it out, great podcast.
57:19 Speaker 03 It's great.
57:20 Speaker 01 What are some great, what are some great episodes you've done? What are your most popular episodes?
57:23 Speaker 03 Lottery one, lottery winners.
57:25 Speaker 02 That's a Patreon one, the Lot All Out, that's an absolute favourite.
57:28 Speaker 01 I came on to talk about Kevin Pietersen, really enjoyed it.
57:30 Speaker 02 England's asshole genius.
57:31 Speaker 01 Who he did, now you're telling me that he listened to that episode.
57:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, apparently Kevin Pietersen listened to the episode and he's not no, he's quite thin skinned, it's old KP.
57:38 Speaker 01 Not known as a laugh, KP.
57:39 Speaker 02 But no, I haven't been switched here out of, out of the studio yet.
57:42 Speaker 03 No, is it KP that didn't say his views on the episode?
57:45 Speaker 02 No, I saw, I bumped into this guy who, who is mates with Kevin Pietersen and said that he'd, said that he'd watched it. I think he, he said he enjoyed it. England's asshole genius. And then we just did a Roman Abramovich one that's gone down very well because his story is mental in Russia, how he came up.
57:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
57:59 Speaker 02 Murder every three days.
58:00 Speaker 03 What did you talk about Charlie when you went on?
58:03 Speaker 02 Uh, Robin Friday. Yeah, the LSD footballer, sort of hippie guy. Impale his arse. I'd say my favourites are snooker, Golden Age of Snooker and darts, 80s.
58:12 Speaker 01 We should get you back on to do Golden Age of Snooker.
58:14 Speaker 02 The snooker stories are unbelievable.
58:17 Speaker 03 I love snooker.
58:18 Speaker 02 And then obviously we're doing a lot of World Cup stuff.
58:20 Speaker 04 Yeah, we're gonna be doing a lot of that.
58:21 Speaker 07 Oh, you're going out, you're going out.
58:23 Speaker 02 Ah, cats of that.
58:23 Speaker 03 Yeah. Well, because of the prices.
58:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, just, you know, taking a stand against the politics.
58:28 Speaker 04 No, no, we just, we realised that we could just stay at home and eat a hot dog and then just set fire to $150 and have a similar experience.
58:34 Speaker 02 But we're gonna be doing, we do, so we do an episode every week that's all the funniest stories this week. So there's a lot of gossip coming through about.
58:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, you mean you guys are, you're kind of bringing gossip back to straight men.
58:42 Speaker 02 Gossip and scandal and then life stories.
58:44 Speaker 03 You're really, it's straight man gossip.
58:45 Speaker 01 Yes, it's like you are carrying on the tabloid era.
58:48 Speaker 03 Because yeah, the tabloid, the Golden Age of the tabloid is dead, it's no longer the 2000s.
58:51 Speaker 01 I mean, these guys are upskirting every night.
58:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, we're scummy hacks, we're going to bins.
58:55 Speaker 03 Gotcha.
58:56 Speaker 01 You're doing upskirt. Yeah, when the, when the freedom pretilla was captured by the Israelis.
59:01 Speaker 02 Gotcha, stick out your juntas.
59:03 Speaker 01 That's what these guys do. Brilliant, a brilliant pod. Check out the Upshot. Anything to plug?
59:08 Speaker 04 Just generally.
59:09 Speaker 01 Where can people find it?
59:11 Speaker 04 Spotify, Apple, YouTube.
59:12 Speaker 01 At Upshot, whatever.
59:14 Speaker 03 Wherever you find your podcasts.
59:15 Speaker 01 Whatever you get your podcasts. And if you're on the Patreon, remember, we are doing a live, alternative commentary.
59:24 Speaker 03 In the grudge match, game of the century.
59:26 Speaker 01 The big one.
59:27 Speaker 03 The rumble in the jungle.
59:28 Speaker 01 Switzerland versus Bosnia.
59:31 Speaker 04 That will get spicy.
59:32 Speaker 01 It will get spicy. We'll make sure it gets spicy.
59:34 Speaker 03 Because they've got a lot of Albanians in the Switzerland.
59:36 Speaker 04 You get real sort of sectarian terror.
59:37 Speaker 01 It's white on white violence. And it's live from the 18th of June on the Patreon. We'll be doing that live. That will go out as that week's Patreon episode. We'll carry on the World Cup story next time. For now, thank you, boys, to the Upshot. Thanks for coming on. Check them out. We'll see you next time.
59:53 Speaker 03 Bye bye.
Previous Pickles The Dog Didn’t Kill Himself (with The Upshot!) | The History of The World Cup (Part 2/4) Next Hanging Out The Blatter it | The History of The World Cup (Part 4/4) Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated