A Beached Lager Whale | Henry VIII (Part 4/4)

You know what they say, one woman's ick is another woman's kink. Henry VIII (Part Four) Go on holiday but don't get stung with data costs - get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans. Use code truther at checkout. Download the Saily app or go to https://saily.com/truther This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 - Henry’s Therapy 03:44 - The Ambassador Of Gout 08:35 - The Divorced Dad 13:19 - Walking Food Bin 19:53 - That’s My Boat 25:47 - The Golden Age Of Uncles 28:32 - Whale On A Beach 32:38 - Personal Growth Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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• 1:02Speaker 02

  Welcome back to Invest History. I'm sat beside Ray Showboard and it's the final part of our epic series on Henry VIII.

• 1:09Speaker 03

  I'm currently holding my turkey leg microphone like a sort of like one of the first open mic to get like a 10 minute spot. So they come back to mics with a bit of cockiness.

• 1:19Speaker 04

  It looks like the world's worst knob, actually.

• 1:22Speaker 03

  It does. Yeah. I mean, yeah, if that was your knob.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  What, the turkey leg?

• 1:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. I mean, if it was a knob, it would be one of the world's worst ones.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Well, it's a turkey. It's a leg. It's a leg of turkey. It's a cooked turkey leg.

• 1:30Speaker 04

  His one specifically looks like the world's worst knob.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  To be honest, the photorealism of it, um, yeah, it is pretty knob like. So now you've put that in the viewer's mind for the rest of the episode, we're talking to two horrid knobs.

• 1:46Speaker 02

  Speaking of the world's worst knob, we are dealing with a man.

• 1:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:51Speaker 02

  Today, who has a 52 inch waist, a BMI of 51.9.

• 1:57Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  A BMI that I can only dream of. A man who-

• 2:01Speaker 03

  He has live cultures in his legs, more live cultures, live civilizations. They are developing technologies.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  They have found fire, they are collectivising.

• 2:12Speaker 02

  There's art, there's whole cave paintings down there.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  They've built cities around rivers.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  Yes. Maggot irrigation system. The maggot renaissance is happening in Henry's legs. He has kaffir thighs.

• 2:24Speaker 03

  Yes, there's a Henry VIII in Henry VIII's legs of the Maggot Kingdom.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  Russian doll in his leg, cutting off women's heads. He has, in probably my favorite move of toxic alpha maleness.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Yet.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Just yet, decided that a German woman was disgusting and smelly and too ugly to fuck. Whilst sitting on his own food bin of a leg. And he has cut off his best mate Cromwell's head for organising such a disgusting, terrible marriage in the first place.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  I'd love to see just him do therapy. I just want to see what the, where do you even begin? What are the kind of like, what's the first session like?

• 3:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Like it's, obviously it would take years and years to even break down any of this, but I don't know what comes out. I feel sometimes, Henry, that you blame other people for your own insecurity.

• 3:16Speaker 02

  Well, chop your head off, you're done. Chop your head off. You're an idiot. You're a traitor. What the fuck's that? Cut her head off now. The problem is-

• 3:23Speaker 03

  He projects. Should we, can we say that about Henry?

• 3:25Speaker 02

  He's decisive. He's decisive and he's robust. Okay? And he's, look, is it a crime to be a straight man these days?

• 3:32Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, these days.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  These days it is.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Take us back to Tudor England.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  When men act decisively.

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Was encouraged.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  It's just called spreading.

• 3:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  It's just called sitting down. It was just called explaining.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Why your head had to be chopped off.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  I don't manspread the normal way on a tube. I manspread out. Do you manspread out? Cause, cause most people manspread this way.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  But I'm actually, I'm actually guilty of maybe woke manspreading. I manspread out.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  You're tripping people up as they go past.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's even worse.

• 3:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is worse.

• 4:00Speaker 03

  Yeah. So I, just because my legs are so long.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 4:02Speaker 03

  And, uh, thin that I basically, I, I, I cause a lot more damage.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:07Speaker 03

  But that's not taking up a woman's room. That's tripping up old people. That's tripping up children.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Wheelchairs going over the side.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  There's kind of like, uh, everyone's getting it. So it's not a gendered thing.

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Right. So it is just being a nuisance.

• 4:18Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Rather than gendered.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  Than being misogynistic.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Yes. But again, if we're saying that this is gender violence, I think it cheapens gender violence personally.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  I think it makes it more expensive.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 4:32Speaker 03

  Makes it a premium.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  So Henry VIII, we're now in the sort of, you'd say early 1540s. He is, as a smelly guy.

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Can we not slag him off?

• 4:44Speaker 02

  No, I think it's fair to say he stinks. Okay? He has jet black mouth because he's, he's got, he's got a sweet tooth.

• 4:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Except he's not got any teeth.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  The rose water he's eating, surely that's-

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Doesn't really touch the side when he's eating whole peacocks and tripe. And 80% of a meat diet.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  And there's no fibre. We haven't talked about how fibre is not going in him at all.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  That's not in the conversation.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  Dietary fibre was coined in 1953.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  Interesting.

• 5:09Speaker 02

  So to place this, this is before the concept of dietary fibre.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  Is this, what about the concept of protein?

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Well, it's obviously after that. I mean, Henry VIII's eating-

• 5:17Speaker 03

  But does he know what protein is? Does he, Tiber started when? What are you talking about?

• 5:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's after the Tiber.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  No, no, no, don't rhyme it. Protein, when, when the protein?

• 5:26Speaker 02

  Protein started when?

• 5:28Speaker 03

  Okay, so yeah.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  1838.

• 5:30Speaker 03

  Okay, fine. So it's after the geological formation of the river Tiber, which was, I think.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  10th century BC.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  No, 3 million years ago.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  Maybe. Yeah.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, when it actually formed as a river.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. Okay, fine. And it's before the concept of dietary fibre.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  By a British doctor in the 50s.

• 5:47Speaker 02

  And it both, both are relevant to the story.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  In that the Tiber is in Rome, which Henry does not like and has broken with.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  It is, it is a river that corruption flows out of to pollute the whole of Europe.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  And similarly fibre, he's broken from fibre.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:01Speaker 02

  It does not, does not go into him at all. Well, it's nothing to do with fibre. He has reformed his own body and it's now massive.

• 6:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:09Speaker 02

  A BMI of 50.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  He's shitting blocks, like-

• 6:13Speaker 02

  No, well, we need to get into his constipation because I don't think anyone has ever been more constipated than Henry VIII in the 1540s.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  So he's constipated in a different way to Gandhi. Gandhi's constipated because he's only eating nuts.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  And not really eating anything. So his body is like, doesn't have a lot to go off.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Look, constipation covers birds and elephants, but they're different. All right. Gandhi's a bird.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  Henry VIII is a blocked up elephant.

• 6:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  Okay. He's eating thousands of calories of pure meat and white bread with no fibre.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  I imagine it comes out like those, those cut, those scrap metal box cubes.

• 6:47Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 6:47Speaker 03

  It gets crushed like that. There's nothing else to cut it with.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  No, dense.

• 6:51Speaker 03

  It just has to come out and he lays a massive block into the-

• 6:53Speaker 02

  It's a collapsed star of a shit.

• 6:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:57Speaker 02

  He would spend days in agony on his royal toilet, screaming in pain, while his physicians concocted horrifying laxatives made of liquid gold, mercury and crushed pearls to try and force his bowels to move.

• 7:11Speaker 03

  Well, he's drinking liquid gold.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 7:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  That will help.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  This is Elvis stuff. Right. This is why-

• 7:17Speaker 03

  That will help when that stops becoming liquid.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 7:19Speaker 03

  And he's also got fucking gold.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Gold in his arse. He's obviously got, I mean, he is a sort of ambassador for gout by this point.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  Yes. He's the face of gout.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  He is the face of, and still to this day, he's the face of gout, you'd say. So his joints are swollen to the point where he can't even handle like a bed sheet over his feet.

• 7:36Speaker 03

  So Sandro, friend of the pod, Sandro, who does, what did he, he's a sufferer of gout.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  He's sort of a Welsh Henry VIII.

• 7:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I guess he is sort of Henry VIII without the royal, there's quite a lot, yeah, similar to Jamie Hutchinson.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Henry VIII without any noble lineage.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 7:50Speaker 03

  Just the diet.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  Just the diet.

• 7:51Speaker 04

  Apparently the pain of gout is unbelievable.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:53Speaker 04

  There's like-

• 7:54Speaker 03

  You have crystals in your-

• 7:55Speaker 04

  Crystals in your feet.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  Friend of mine had gout quite badly and just still, even though he's kind of conquered it, he's still just basically just wears sandals all the time. Has to have an open toe.

• 8:03Speaker 03

  Really?

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Cause just socks.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  The agony is there even if you don't touch anything.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  If you touch something, it's kind of unbelievable.

• 8:10Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 8:10Speaker 03

  So is it sharp pains?

• 8:12Speaker 04

  It's latent. It's, it's, it's constant pain.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  Which ramps up if it moves at all, but even if you're completely sitting down.

• 8:18Speaker 03

  Also, I believe it's something to do with mercury. Rich foods are really bad for you.

• 8:23Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  And to help him as a laxative, he's drinking mercury, which is also a poison.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  So I don't think that's helping his gout.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  No, but we should be aware when we're judging his actions that he is suffering from chronic pain.

• 8:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:37Speaker 03

  He's part of the chronically ill community.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  He would have a lanyard at this point.

• 8:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  He would have a big sunflower lanyard.

• 8:41Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  Is that for chronic pain?

• 8:43Speaker 03

  He's got long constipation.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  He has long, he has long gout and long constipation. Okay? He is 54 inches wide by this, by the-

• 8:53Speaker 03

  How big's that?

• 8:53Speaker 02

  By the mid, yeah, can we get a celebrity that's 54 inch waist, please? By the, in the mid 1540s, he is being hauled up palace stairs. They have a Tudor stair lift, right?

• 9:03Speaker 03

  You don't want to be hauled ever, really.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Never want to be hauled. You want to be hauling your hog out of your hose.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  There are no prominent celebrities with a 54 inch waist. This is, well, our patrons will understand this. This is 5XL.

• 9:16Speaker 03

  Right.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  We often get comments when we release merch going, I don't go up to 5XL. They're Henry VIII in our patrons. Okay? He, at this point, is in chronic pain. He has a lanyard on. You should give up your seat on the tube for him. Okay? He's probably on Reddit forums saying, you, the medical establishment doesn't understand my chronic pain.

• 9:35Speaker 03

  Yeah. They don't take it seriously.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Anyway.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  They have no experience of what I have.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Exactly. And this is part of the reason, you know, why he acts as he does. Now, at the day that Commiss Cromwell is beheaded as a result of catfishing him with Anne of Cleves, right? He marries a 17 year old called Catherine Howard. Let the dog see the rabbit, please, Charlie. This is actually an incredibly bleak story.

• 9:58Speaker 03

  How old was Howard?

• 9:59Speaker 02

  17.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  She, uh, has a weird shaped head. I'm going to say that now. I know that's the beauty standard of the time.

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. But you can tell she's a minx.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  She's got a head like a cycling helmet. But yeah, minx, look at those eyes. She's asking for it. She, what was she wearing? A cycling helmet. Fair enough. Now, her uncle is Anne Boleyn's uncle, who brought Catherine Howard to Henry's attention. And this is, I suppose, maybe this is like, you know, this is a man in his late 40s by this point. No, early 50s, a man in his early 50s. And he's, he's been, you know, he's been married. He thinks he's seen it all.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  But then there's a fucking 17 year old girlfriend and he's like, you know what, I'm back in the game.

• 10:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, he finally feels young again.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. I might have fucking bin juice pouring out my thigh.

• 10:52Speaker 03

  She makes me feel, and also, yeah, she's very, what's the word for someone who's above their age, you know?

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's mature.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  Mature, yeah.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. She's a goer.

• 11:01Speaker 03

  Precocious.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  She's precocious.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  That's what he's telling people. No, no, no, she's very precocious for her age.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  He described her as his rose without a thorn. And when they are married, contemporaries describe her as lewd and naughty. She's 17.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  She's a minx.

• 11:15Speaker 02

  He's 50. He boasted that he was, quote, "at last happy", "and showered this new queen with clothing, jewels and estates." I mean, this is the divorced dad.

• 11:27Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Finds a 17 year old.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  And just makes her feel, makes her feel treasured.

• 11:31Speaker 03

  Because that's what he's got. He's got money. That's the best thing he's got to offer.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  You know, and, you know, for all the ickiness around age gaps, you know, if it's that icky, then don't follow the money.

• 11:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, sugar baby.

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• 14:15Speaker 02

  However, quite quickly, there's trouble in paradise, because he, now, it says in the script, he's physically repulsive. I think that's deeply offensive.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  Okay?

• 14:26Speaker 03

  He's chronically ill.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  And some people really like maggots pouring out of your leg.

• 14:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Actually.

• 14:30Speaker 03

  Don't yuck my yum.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. You may call that an ick. Some people call that a kink. One woman's ick is another woman's kink, all right? Maybe Catherine Howard fucking loved sucking maggots out of his fetid thigh cums.

• 14:46Speaker 03

  We can't know.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  Okay? Maybe she got a frothing wide on at the thought of him having a frothing wide on. Okay? With maggots pouring out of it. We can't know. Anyway, he's still eating 5,000 calories a day. He's in constant pain. His leg wounds are seeping pus. He has type 2 diabetes, who doesn't really touch the sides. Just so anyone is, if they're interested, if you do have a maggot kink, you are called a formicophile.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  Formo.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  Anyway, so.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Formophile.

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Formophile.

• 15:21Speaker 03

  Formicophile.

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Formicophilia is a maggot fetish.

• 15:24Speaker 03

  Formicophilia.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  God, there's a Latin word for everything, didn't they? Those sick fucks, they invented everything, didn't they?

• 15:29Speaker 04

  What's the angle there?

• 15:30Speaker 02

  What do you mean, what's the angle?

• 15:31Speaker 04

  Well, it's like, if you look at a slug, I guess it kind of just.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  You're just talking yourself into being a fucking maggot fucker now. That was amazing. In the space of two seconds, Charlie went, what on earth? Well, you know what, actually, I can see why they like that. Yeah, wriggling little dicks. Yeah, no, I don't hate it. Amazing. Anyway. Now, he's physically repulsive, but he's also, he has such an ego that he demands that his wives, like, fuck him, like cinematically. So.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  What's that mean?

• 15:59Speaker 04

  Getting pegged.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Hey?

• 16:00Speaker 04

  Pegging?

• 16:00Speaker 02

  No, it's in like, he wants them to be, he wants them to fake orgasms.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  Oh, right.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  Because it hurts his male ego to think that he's not pleasuring them, even though he's obviously, he must be imbecile at this point.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:14Speaker 02

  So basically, Catherine Howard has to, I assume, I assume she's on top.

• 16:20Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 16:21Speaker 02

  And I'm not, I think reverse cowgirl has never been a worse view.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  With two food bins for legs.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  So I'd imagine, I imagine it's cowgirl.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  He's doing reverse cowgirl.

• 16:36Speaker 02

  Oh, so she's got to lie by his leg? No. So I imagine it's cowgirl, okay? And she's got to, ah, ah, because otherwise he's going to be like, well, you, why aren't you having a good time?

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Off with your head.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  And she's probably like, well, the smell.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:52Speaker 02

  I mean, it smells so bad. It's unimaginable, the smell.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  It's a decomposing corpse attached to Jaffa the Hutt.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  Jabba the Hutt. He obviously gets quite moody and unpredictable because of his weight gain. We've all been there.

• 17:05Speaker 03

  He's insecure.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  And so he refuses to see Catherine for weeks at a time because he's aware that he doesn't look his best, perhaps smell his best.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  So after a few months of marriage, his energy starts to wane. I mean, that is just marriage.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, that is marriage.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Especially your fifth, fifth wife, you know?

• 17:21Speaker 03

  You've been around.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  You've been, you've seen all the tricks, right? You know, what kind of moves a 17 year old?

• 17:27Speaker 03

  It's hard to be positive about the, the kind of uplift because you know how it ends.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  So after a few months of marriage, his energy begins to wane. At this point, now, either Catherine is accused of this, or she actually does do this, I think she actually does do this, she starts an affair with her ex lover, Thomas Culpepper.

• 17:45Speaker 03

  So she actually is the most deserved executioner, is Catherine Howard.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Is that what you're saying?

• 17:50Speaker 03

  I'd probably say so.

• 17:52Speaker 02

  A 17 year old, knew what she was getting into.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  The teenage Catherine was not attracted to the stinky food bin leg king man with a 51 BMI. He was a, it was a fucking, the Brexit vote was his BMI.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  And so Culpepper was a bit of a womanizer. And bear in mind, this woman is 17. You know, the woke revisionist historians maybe said that he, she was a victim of being groomed by this man, Thomas Culpepper.

• 18:22Speaker 03

  She potentially was, yeah, basically raped by this guy.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Potentially, potentially.

• 18:26Speaker 04

  He sounds Nazi.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  No. Hey?

• 18:27Speaker 03

  Culpepper does sound Nazi.

• 18:28Speaker 02

  Thomas Culpepper is a Nazi name, yeah, to be fair. And so she obviously is feeling slightly neglected by her husband. Perhaps she believed that she would be more pleasing to Henry if she was shadow batting in the nets.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  Interesting.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  And so she thought.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  What she comes out with her, is this her defence?

• 18:47Speaker 02

  I'm training.

• 18:48Speaker 03

  Right.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  I'm training for riding you. And so she had secret dalliances with Culpepper throughout the summer of 1541, meaning that there's gossip surrounding her.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:59Speaker 02

  Now, also, I think eventually they find a note, or Cranmer, the Archbishop, finds a note, written either to her or from her, or in her handwriting maybe. But I think this, basically, she'd been with Culpepper before and he, she must have been like 14 and he'd kind of groomed her.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  So I guess she's in a real rock and a hard place as a girl.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  When your saviour's got his fucking walking food bin.

• 19:22Speaker 03

  A rapist and a stinky place.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah. Seen a rapist in a stinky place, yeah. And so Henry orders, Henry doesn't believe this. He thinks this is a witch hunt. And so Henry orders a secret inquiry to clear her name. But then, members of the court have claimed to witness her sexual behaviour. I interviewed, they go on record. And this, these outlined that she'd had previous relationships with her music teacher when he was in his 30s, she was 13.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  Oh, well.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  And then Frances Dairam, who referred to each other as husband and wife, even though she was only fourteen. So she gets about.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  Or was got about. What is it, Charlie?

• 20:03Speaker 03

  I can't know.

• 20:04Speaker 04

  Is this abuse?

• 20:05Speaker 03

  Yes, Charlie, this is abuse.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  Play that one straight back.

• 20:09Speaker 03

  I don't know if the thirteen year old is abusing the thirty year old.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Well.

• 20:13Speaker 04

  What are the standards? At this point, are you being?

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Not at this point. At this point, he gives a fuck.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:17Speaker 04

  No one's been like your pedo.

• 20:19Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:19Speaker 03

  No, you're like, why is that thirteen year old slut seducing this poor thirty year old music teacher? He's only human.

• 20:26Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah. There's no concept of paedophilia at this point.

• 20:29Speaker 04

  None.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  I don't think so.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, it's, there's an age of consent, though. Twelve for girls, fourteen for boys.

• 20:35Speaker 04

  There must be some level of like.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Quite right.

• 20:37Speaker 03

  So, but she was thirteen, so she was barely legal.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  By the standards of the time, she was legal.

• 20:41Speaker 04

  Right.

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Anyway, Henry doesn't.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  Don't have a music teacher, is what I'd say to her.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Well, yeah.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  It's a dangerous breed, music teachers.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  Can't stand the heat, go out of the kitchen.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  Think about the music teacher. What hair are you thinking of when you think of a music teacher?

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Oh, it's full, but it's receding.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, so it's really long, bald at the top. I had a music teacher like that. Why do they all do that?

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Purple trousers, really smelly.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  Why, why do they all have that hair?

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Mr. Tinson.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, why, what is, is it because they're, a music teacher, so status wise, they're gonna be balding. But because it's vaguely creative, they can still express themselves? Is that what the combination is? Because if you're an accountant, they would have just shaved it and had the monk cuts on.

• 21:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  But the music teacher, it's still like, I've got something about myself. I put jazz records on.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  You're right.

• 21:24Speaker 03

  So they, they don't have.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  But also they need something to kind of flail wildly while they're conducting.

• 21:29Speaker 03

  So if you're going to a room with some of that haircut, what do you expect?

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Interestingly, the music teacher at our school, purple trousers, receding hair for, but bushy hair.

• 21:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  You're thinking clear cut nuns, when actually it was the chemistry teacher who just didn't turn up one day. Everyone was like, oh yeah, he's not working here anymore. Know what I mean? Hard drive seized.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  No Duke of Edinburgh for everyone.

• 21:51Speaker 03

  You got stuck, did you not pass your Duke of Edinburgh?

• 21:53Speaker 02

  No, I got card blocked by a pedo.

• 21:55Speaker 03

  I didn't know I was starting a podcast with somebody who hadn't, what certificates do you have on your Duke of Edinburgh?

• 21:59Speaker 02

  I don't think I have any.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  Completely unqualified.

• 22:01Speaker 02

  I'm not lesbian at all. I didn't get my lesbian badge aged fifteen.

• 22:05Speaker 03

  No, I think I've only got silver.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  No, I probably.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  Charlie, you got a Duke of Edinburgh?

• 22:09Speaker 04

  I had a bronze.

• 22:10Speaker 03

  You got a bronze?

• 22:10Speaker 02

  I think I've got bronze, but bronze, you didn't really have to leave the school.

• 22:12Speaker 03

  Not really, yeah.

• 22:13Speaker 04

  You did a big walk.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  I did a big walk at some point.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  But you've got to have a Duke of Edinburgh. I mean, it's a key qual, you've got to have that just lockdown.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:20Speaker 04

  My dad had a pedo.

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Excuse me?

• 22:22Speaker 03

  My, you had a pedo? Sounds like you had him in a basement like a gimp.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  Well.

• 22:26Speaker 03

  That you'd bring out to show guests.

• 22:28Speaker 04

  No, my dad, his piano teacher would, would kind of kiss him on the head and the cheek if he did a good key. And then he went on to be a proper nonce and did time for it. And then he's now back in the town and whenever we drive past my dad's pedo's house, he goes, that's my pedo. That's where my pedo lives.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  That's my pedo.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  That's my pedo.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Hashtag my pedo.

• 22:48Speaker 02

  Well, anyway, Catherine had a couple of pedos, it seems like, but Henry doesn't believe it. And so he, but he orders her to stay indoors, stay in your room. And then Henry gets, he gets very depressed when the accusations start to pile up.

• 23:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Because he's like, this is not, not a fifth, a fifth time. Are you joking? Is there not one good woman in this fucking land?

• 23:09Speaker 03

  One good girl's worth a thousand bitches, as Kanye says.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Isn't it? So then they find, then they find a love letter. Catherine gets interrogated by her uncle yet again, the Duke of Norfolk.

• 23:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:20Speaker 02

  And Catherine, we.

• 23:22Speaker 03

  This is the golden age of uncles. It really is.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  The most powerful uncle there's ever been, this guy. Two of his nieces are to be executed because he arranged marriages with him.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  I mean, that's just, that's beast.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  That is cracking stuff, that. We don't talk enough about the uncle relationship, creepy uncle with the niece. It's always with the nephew.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  But this is, this is, the nieces are getting killed because of this uncle's recklessness.

• 23:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  So even Cranmer finds, like Catherine's estate, which is getting interrogated, and Cranmer finds this sad. He says, it would have pitied any man's heart to have looked upon her. Anyway, it's like, guards, nah. And then she confesses about her previous relationship, blah, blah, blah. She claims rape.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  We've been around this.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  We get it.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  We get it.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  We get it.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  This is not our first fucking wife execution.

• 24:05Speaker 02

  She admits to sexual misconduct before marriage, which is treason.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  Chop, chop.

• 24:09Speaker 02

  Fifteen forty two, Tower of London.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  What was the execution like?

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Well, Dairam, who was one of her pedos, gets hung, drawn and quartered in fifteen forty one. Cole Peppers beheaded, and then both heads are displayed in London Bridge. And then Catherine does not handle herself well with the execution.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  Doesn't cover herself for dignity.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  Berlin was quite composed, obviously.

• 24:30Speaker 03

  She was, Berlin was expecting mercy.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  But also she was using it as like a platform, you know, sort of feminist thing.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Whereas Howard just kind of, please, please, please, please.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  Platform to use your platform.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:42Speaker 03

  But that platform was.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  She then got no platform, quite terrifically. But yes, tower guards claim that she practised placing her head in the block so she wouldn't panic publicly during the execution.

• 24:51Speaker 03

  But it didn't work. She didn't practise hard enough.

• 24:52Speaker 04

  Shadow batting. She's shadow batting.

• 24:54Speaker 02

  Shadow batting with her own head. She gets executed on the thirteenth of February, fifteen forty two.

• 24:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Inside the tower, rather than before a crowd. So behind closed doors. Maybe the crowd had been racist or something.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  Anyway, UEFA ban.

• 25:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, someone threw a banana peel.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  On the, onto the execution.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  And then, well, that's, that's, that's all right. We're all here to watch an execution. That's, that's out of.

• 25:15Speaker 03

  Three game ban.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  That's out of order, behind closed doors. But the French ambassador says that she acknowledged that she deserved death and asked for prayers. So she came around in the end.

• 25:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, she gets it.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  So axe, one or two strokes. Henry the Eighth is looking on going, quote, strikingly detached.

• 25:31Speaker 03

  But he must be almost cross eyed at this point, because he.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Well, he's in a big fucking chair that's being hauled through ropes.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  Because his mind must be rotting as well.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Well, his leg is gangrenous, supposedly his mouth is black, and his leg is going black as well.

• 25:45Speaker 04

  Black.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like rotten, his mouth is rotten. I don't think he can chew at this point. His leg is, is completely black. There's maggots and pus. But that's a good thing, they think. They're following him around with like perfume to try and cover the smell of maggots. His like attendants are throwing up all the time. He's five wives down. Howard has been dispatched.

• 26:07Speaker 03

  So that's the end of the middle order, right? Now we're going to the night watch.

• 26:10Speaker 02

  We're into the tail now. We're into the tail. Yep. A couple of stubborn openers in Aragon and Berlin. But the middle order is, we rattle through it really.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:20Speaker 02

  And then, but I mean, but yes, by the time.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  This is the night watchman, right? Trying to see us over.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, she does a strikingly good job, actually, Catherine Parr. We get to, now, before we get to Catherine Parr, probably the most, the other consequential thing he does is form the Royal Navy.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, which is the kind of beginning, I mean, this is also the beginning of modern Britain, the British Empire colonialism. Under Elizabeth the First, the kind of Virginia colonies was the sort of beginning of all that stuff.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:46Speaker 03

  And obviously the Royal Navy is the key part of all that. And he started that, so it's the.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Henry makes us Protestant and a seafaring power. So he kind of begins the.

• 26:55Speaker 03

  But what actually happened when he started the Royal Navy? Because I didn't know that. Do we have boats before? What's going on?

• 27:01Speaker 02

  So he expanded dockyards at Portsmouth and established administrative bodies which evolved into the Navy Board. The fleet became fifty vessels by fifteen forty seven, having only previously been a handful of ships.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  Right. So he organised it under one jurisdiction.

• 27:16Speaker 02

  He builds a body that's responsible for shipbuilding and repairs and financing stuff. The big, I guess, sort of the nine eleven of his reign is the Mary Rose, which I've seen. I've been to see the Mary Rose.

• 27:27Speaker 03

  Is it a good day out?

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, it's like half a ship that's intact and they're, it's constantly having water poured on it.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  Why?

• 27:35Speaker 02

  To keep it intact. I think without it, it would just rot and fall away, maybe? I don't really understand. I imagine it's like if Henry the Eighth was lying in state, they'd just constantly be doused.

• 27:43Speaker 03

  I mean, that's part of the, what's good about this story is, is how it doesn't take like a poet to see the, the kind of, the parallels, right? Of this giant hulking ship rotting away as his leg rots.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  So on the nineteenth of July, fifteen forty five, there's a battle against the French in the Solent. And this flagship, the Mary Rose.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  Between Isle of Wight and Portsmouth.

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Yes. A bad place to gig.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah, anywhere on that south coast is pretty grim.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Grim, absolutely awful. Anyway, the flagship suddenly heals over, I am on tour. Flagship suddenly heals over and sinks, and Henry was watching from the shore. Five hundred men basically drown. It was, it'd been modified over the years with heavier guns. Again, much like Henry, just getting heavier and heavier and heavier. And a gust of wind catches the sails and it just, water pours through the gun ports and then floods the vessel. And yes, it was the kind of flagship, the symbol of his new naval power, and he just watched it sink with hundreds of sailors aboard. And he has to just sort of plod away.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  Seeing his.

• 28:53Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Oh, fuck. I mean.

• 28:56Speaker 03

  That's my boat.

• 28:57Speaker 02

  You know, he's, five wives have failed him, you know?

• 29:00Speaker 03

  You do start to feel for him a little bit.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  It's a very sad story, you know? He's the unluckiest guy ever.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  He must be.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Just to recap, his eyesight is now beginning to fade as well.

• 29:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's low light.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  He can't walk. He is ulcerated, legs are worsening.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  Couple of more overs left in the day's play.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  He's made an act that said, if you question my health, it's treason. So doctors are like, oh no, you're fine, mate. You're fine, absolutely fine. Meant to have maggots pouring out your thigh cunt. So, who's Catherine Parr? Who's the night watchman? She's a wealthy, twice widowed noblewoman who'd been in.

• 29:35Speaker 03

  Twice widowed?

• 29:35Speaker 02

  Twice widowed.

• 29:38Speaker 03

  Sounds lovely, twice widowed.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  Two widows, one cup, serving in the household of Mary the First. Let's have a look at Catherine Parr, would you? Final one. Let's have a look at the bottom order. That's my dog.

• 29:50Speaker 04

  She looks the same as the last one.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  They all look quite similar, I guess.

• 29:54Speaker 03

  Scott type. Quite severe looking there.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, austere woman.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  I don't know if the painters have got worse.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  So, uh, she, her, her two husbands had died, uh, which meant she was kind of financially independent, which is quite rare.

• 30:07Speaker 03

  I'm sorry, I've just seen what Charlie's thrown up.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  Um, celebrities with most failed marriages, Mickey Rooney divorced seven times.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Now, which Mickey Rooney was that?

• 30:16Speaker 04

  The one from the.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Yes, but I don't know which, is, is, is it he getting divorced or is his Asian alter ego also getting divorced? Like, is it, is it the same guy, you know?

• 30:27Speaker 02

  What, are you saying that when he's the Asian alter ego?

• 30:29Speaker 03

  I don't, does that count? It might be three divorces for him.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  He was like that the whole time at home, is what you mean?

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, and that's a, that's a tough guy to, if he's method acting, Mickey Rooney at home.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  That's tough in, uh, yeah. They get married on fifteen forty, in fifteen forty-three. Uh, Henry, I guess, is his one last throw of the dice. One, is he even horny at this point?

• 30:49Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  Is he just doing it to, for appearances? Um, Catherine is very different from, uh, his earlier wives. Uh, she's intelligent, she's highly educated, um, politically cautious. She's thirty, Henry was fifty-two, he's learned, he's learning, I think. And so she goes into it with kind of a, I think by this time, she's like, ah, is this a good idea? Marrying a guy. She's looking at the track record.

• 31:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  She's thinking, hmm, this guy's a bit toxic, actually.

• 31:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Also, his leg's got maggots in it.

• 31:20Speaker 04

  Is it gold digging or is it because you're forced to, otherwise you'll die?

• 31:23Speaker 02

  I think it's just the, it's, it's the political, it's the politics.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  What does your uncle want for you?

• 31:28Speaker 02

  What does my uncle want?

• 31:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. Keep your uncle happy.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  He wants the best for me.

• 31:32Speaker 04

  Every single time they've got an uncle that's making them do it.

• 31:34Speaker 02

  It seems that way.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  It seems to be a pattern.

• 31:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:37Speaker 04

  Right.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  Uncles have never been more powerful than, than now.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  The golden age of uncles.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  Now, uncles are ostracised to the shed.

• 31:45Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  They're, they're kind of on their own at family gatherings.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  They're staring at the wall.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  The marriage was not passionate, more about survival and companionship. I guess it's impossible for Henry to be intimate.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  He's essentially on a big wooden wheelchair.

• 32:58Speaker 03

  She was his carer, really.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I suppose. But she was successful as a step mum.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  You, you forget that.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  Got all three children at this point.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Two girls and a boy who, who are looking for a step mum. I mean, the stability for them. You come from a broken home.

• 33:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  That's one thing, but this is insane.

• 33:12Speaker 03

  This is, yeah, this is much more complicated than my.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Um, so she, Henry trusted her more than any wife since Jane Seymour. She is also the first woman in English to, in England, to publish a book under her own name.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Really?

• 33:24Speaker 04

  Uh, the lamentations of a sinner.

• 33:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  Emo.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  Is that like the sixteenth century die of a CEO?

• 33:32Speaker 03

  What's that about?

• 33:33Speaker 04

  Three-part secrets of reflections.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Also, his court was also the first, uh, documented black person in England.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Really?

• 33:41Speaker 02

  A trumpeter.

• 33:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  Called John B.

• 33:44Speaker 03

  John B.

• 33:45Speaker 02

  To place this, this is the, this is the first black person in England.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  So it's now, it's under Catherine that, um, Mary and Elizabeth get restored to the succession, line of succession.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  Uh, so that Edward, his son is first, then Mary, then Elizabeth, which gets reinforced in Henry's will. Uh, now let's get to his death, uh, because, uh, this is, this is probably the funniest bit of, this is my, this is, it's a fantastic end.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 02

  To, okay, so, uh, by the time of his death, Henry is over three hundred pounds.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  Wow, what's three hundred pounds? Go three hundred pounds.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  In kilos, that's, that's.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  This is American documentary fat.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  Hundred and fifty, hundred and sixty kilos. Um.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  Let's just see what sort of fat, because there's my five hundred pound life.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Hundred and thirty-six kilos.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  They look like three hundred pound, uh, man. Okay.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:34Speaker 04

  But imagine that would look like maggots and a completely black mouth.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  Right. Okay, good, I got an image now.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Do you think with modern medicine, he could have been sorted if they just like?

• 34:42Speaker 03

  Probably, yeah, because his huge amount was the, the constantly open wound.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, plasters.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  Could have been sorted.

• 34:47Speaker 02

  Plasters.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  In a year at least.

• 34:49Speaker 02

  So he spent his last Christmas at Whitehall, visibly dying. Um, he, he's completely confined to his chambers, he's being hauled around, uh, on like a sort of sled.

• 34:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:00Speaker 02

  And he, in this, on January fifteen forty-seven, uh, he is dying. Uh, he is unconscious, semi-conscious, uh, he probably dies from complete organ failure, shutdown. Um, also, he has several bouts of sepsis.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Right.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  Because he's just got maggots in his.

• 35:20Speaker 03

  Of course, yeah.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Leg the whole time. Uh, his last words supposedly were, God save me from the tyranny of the popes.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Who's blaming the pope for this?

• 35:27Speaker 02

  I mean Clarkson till the end, till the end, bringing that up. They bury him in a coffin with like a lead top, like the Chernobyl guys. They then are transporting him to, uh, before, the day before the funeral, but then they leave him in a, in a church overnight, and his body fucking explodes like a whale on a beach.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Just, pff, bursts, right? The coffin breaks open, the next morning.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  He is found with dogs eating.

• 35:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, because he drips through, right?

• 35:55Speaker 02

  The melted leg.

• 35:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  So Charlie, can you just get a video of a whale exploding on a beach?

• 35:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  Because that is how.

• 36:01Speaker 03

  That's the way to go out, that's the way Clarkson should go out.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  The way Clarkson will die. Clarkson will be stranded on a beach, just the beer, the lager, the latent lager belly will just pop. I mean, this is the, this is the, the straightest way to die, I think. This is what a straight male burial should be. This is how I, this is how I'm going to be at the end.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  Fuck.

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Just, just.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  A camera captures the moment, a sperm whale carcass which washed out.

• 36:29Speaker 03

  Wow. Just all your guts thrown against a building.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Flying against the pavilion, guts everywhere. Henry VIII at the end, fucking hell.

• 36:41Speaker 04

  So what's he done there? What's he done there?

• 36:43Speaker 03

  He's just let some gas in.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's so much gas.

• 36:46Speaker 03

  He's put oxygen in there.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  There's so much gas, he's opened a bit of it and it's just popped.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like, it's Mentos in a Coke bottle.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  He's fifty-five years old, uh, and he dies the way, uh, he's buried the way all straight men should be.

• 36:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:58Speaker 02

  He's just, uh, full of lager gas.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, exploding, dripping down, beaten by your dogs. I mean, that's.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  This is the straightest way to go.

• 37:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  Uh, and supposedly, when he had divorced Catherine of Aragon, a Franciscan friar had said that God will punish you for this divorce, uh, like the wicked biblical king Ahab, quote, "The dogs shall lick your blood."

• 37:21Speaker 03

  Ooh, interesting.

• 37:22Speaker 02

  So it's a lovely bit of, uh, circularity to the story. Um, and so, uh, he dies in fifteen forty-seven, and immediately after Henry's death, uh, power shifts to make sure that, uh, his weak, sneezing son, Edward VI, will, uh, become king. Um, and Catherine Parr, the night watchman, makes it to the end of play, outlasts them all.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:51Speaker 02

  Jack Leach at the end, heroic.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  Applause.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  So that's the end of Henry's story. Um, I mean, what, I, I guess to sum up, uh, he is, he is so intrinsically English.

• 38:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  As we've been saying.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  He is the platonic ideal of a king, the idea that, that you most grab to when you think of a king.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Yes, the excess.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  What he does has been so relevant now. You still go to Hampton Court Palace, a lot of the things built in that time, the Royal Navy, the break from Rome, it's still all very much a current thing.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  But also, he, he is, you know.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  Black trumpeters.

• 38:27Speaker 02

  Black trumpeters.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  He saw that being a big thing before anyone else did.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Are we saying he invents jazz?

• 38:32Speaker 03

  I'm saying that.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  Henry VIII.

• 38:33Speaker 03

  I'm at least saying that he sees the potential of jazz.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Surely.

• 38:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  Uh, I, I think the size of, the size of him.

• 38:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Is, means that he can't not be a caricature for tyrannical excess.

• 38:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  And it's something we don't really see.

• 38:47Speaker 03

  Greek myth of hubris as well, I mean.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  I don't know if it's hubristic, because he's just, he's the same throughout.

• 38:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  He doesn't go on a journey, really.

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Well, he does go on a journey.

• 38:56Speaker 02

  He falls off a horse and then just gets fatter and madder.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  That's a journey, he grows.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  He does grow.

• 39:01Speaker 03

  A lot of personal growth.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  There is a lot of personal growth, but it's sideways. I wouldn't say it's a.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  He has no emotional growth.

• 39:07Speaker 02

  No.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  But he has, it's all on his physical body.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  But it's also, it's, I don't think, I think it's the first time a king has genuinely, now, it's interesting because he wouldn't say he's doing it for himself. He's doing it for his dynasty, because he's come to power after the Wars of the Roses.

• 39:21Speaker 03

  Yes, so it's an insecure dynasty.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  We can't help but view it as, uh, self-serving and tyrannical and narcissistic.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  But it's interesting that he comes from such an insecure dynasty, but also is probably the person who has acted with the most absolute power of a king.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 39:36Speaker 03

  Which is quite weird that, to, to have your, your dynasty so spurious.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 39:42Speaker 03

  And to act like you have complete power.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  Is it not a man who can't have a son building a massive fake foam dick to strap onto his shorts the whole time? Is it not the same thing?

• 39:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, yeah.

• 39:51Speaker 02

  Uh, we should probably sum up by saying, uh, who is fit as wife was. Um, I mean, Seymour was the only one that in, in terms of, you know, the attitude of the time, was a successful.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Attractive wise, it probably is Amber Lynch, she probably has the most about her.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you, you got, we got different types. I'm probably going Anne Catherine of Aragon.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  Right, a sturdy.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  Spanish.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Sort of, I like a woman who has big hoop earrings.

• 40:21Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  Sort of, uh, gypsy aesthetic.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Mediterranean.

• 40:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Um.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  But I, I think Anne's got something to say for herself.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, but she's annoying.

• 40:30Speaker 03

  She is annoying, but I'm just saying, this is attraction, it's not long term.

• 40:34Speaker 02

  Well, none of them are long term.

• 40:35Speaker 03

  I think Anne, for three months, is great.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  Three months.

• 40:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  Fuck, how she chew your ear off, though?

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's true. Well, I'll chop her head off then.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Well, yeah. But she, she'd just be going on about Frida Kahlo and stuff, you know, fucking take a day off, love. All right, I can't be watched, heat or something.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Why's it always got me about this?

• 40:53Speaker 03

  It always comes back to this.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. What do you mean, you want to go to the V and A? Anyway, um, Charlie, what, Charlie, what have you learnt? Presumably this was something you knew a bit about.

• 41:03Speaker 04

  I know about Henry VIII, I've heard of him. I've, uh, the, some people fancy slugs, I've put his wives as slugs, we can look at them.

• 41:12Speaker 02

  Right, zoom in, Charlie, what you've, you've made, so you, I think what we, you've learnt is that you've actually got a maggot fetish.

• 41:18Speaker 04

  I like slugs.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  And you've got, uh, shall we, we'll let the dogs see the slug rabbits then.

• 41:23Speaker 04

  Um, we've got Catherine of Aragon, top left.

• 41:27Speaker 03

  Now, which slug would you find most attractive?

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Well, I'll tell you what, it's not your one, Amber Lynch is a fucking bunter of a slug.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  Berlin got absolutely killed in this AI animation.

• 41:37Speaker 04

  Catherine Parr.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  No, I don't like the, the dark colour.

• 41:40Speaker 02

  I think arrogant, I think arrogant is the best fucking slug.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  Catherine Howard and.

• 41:43Speaker 04

  She looks sweet, Catherine Howard looks quite sweet.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, arrogant looks most regal.

• 41:47Speaker 02

  No, I don't, I disagree. Seymour looks clapped, Seymour's eyes are too far apart, Catherine Parr's hideous.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  But you want to fuck that Catherine of Aragon slug?

• 41:55Speaker 02

  Catherine of Aragon's got something about it. I want that slug to get on my snail trail. Anyway, um, we'll leave you on this image of the wives of Henry VIII as slugs.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Uh, thank you so much for joining us on this journey. Uh, a great man, an English hero.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  A victim.

• 42:12Speaker 02

  A victim.

• 42:12Speaker 03

  A chronically ill victim.

• 42:13Speaker 02

  A victim of, what's the opposite of misogyny? Misandry.

• 42:17Speaker 03

  Misandry.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  A victim of misandry.

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  Repeated, a serial misandrist victim.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Uh, who bravely broke with Rome, course corrected our country. Uh, and what a hero he is, the long road to Jeremy Clarkson. Uh, thanks for joining us, we'll see you, uh, on the Patreon tomorrow for our review of the other Berlin girl, but if not, uh, we will see you next week for a brand new topic from all of us here, goodbye.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Goodbye.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  The wheel had roads, electricity had the grid. Innovation needs infrastructure. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com slash AI to learn more.