9/11 at 3 miles an hour | The Battle of Trafalgar (Part 5/10)

This was the best day to be a shark. The Napoleonic Wars (Part Five) Get Fin's book in audio form here! This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters: Chapters: 00:00 - Britain Stands Alone 04:43 - Hold Your Breath 09:47 - Test Cricket Benny Hill 13:30 - He’s Gonna Get Me! 17:45 - Stephen Hawking 24:02 - SpitRake 30:21 - Sunday Buttplug 33:47 - The Tire Change 39:46 - Bucket List Stuff 42:06 - Gutted Mate Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The wheel had roads, electricity had the grid. Innovation needs infrastructure. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com/ai to learn more.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Welcome back to Fin vs History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould.

• 0:30Speaker 02

  England expects.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  For Horatio Nelson's finest hour. Today, we are at Trafalgar.

• 0:38Speaker 02

  These might be my favourite costumes we've worn.

• 0:40Speaker 01

  I feel fucking excellent.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  This feels incredible. I get it.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  I get it.

• 0:43Speaker 02

  I get it.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  I hate the French and I'm gonna fuck anything that you want to my path. I feel manly.

• 0:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. If you're a woman on land, you should be scared. If you're a Frenchman at sea, you should also be scared.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm gonna fuck you up on sea. And if you're a chubby woman who likes dancing, I'm gonna get inside you. I'm gonna shake my ostrich feather at you like this.

• 1:04Speaker 02

  Very bird-like, it seems that the, it's very, very fashionable for men to act like, like the birds of the animal kingdom. That's sort of what they're going for.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  The plume, yes, the erotic plume.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  It's very much like the kind of mating dances. There seems to be playing a lot on that sort of stuff.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  I feel absolutely fantastic. As I said, part of the reason these are, you know, up there with the best wars is the aesthetic. It's just, it's just.

• 1:26Speaker 02

  Because they're fighting like they're not in costume, but they are in costume.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  But they look like this. And, you know, Nelson's column would not quite be as inspiring and a monument if at the top there was a guy in just fucking World War One, sort of muddy Glastonbury, Fyde Glastonbury outfit.

• 1:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I think Americans think most British people dressed down as on a Sunday.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  This is Sunday, it's dressed down, yeah. Is this Mark casual or, okay, lounge, I'll come as lounge today.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  This is quite satisfying for people with stereotypes about Britain, watching this right now.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  I'll have a line, then I'll get this on and just read the paper in my house.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Really, we should be podcasting with one arm.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's true.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  But I have been sort of, I've been fitted into this by, by our helper.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, and we get these costumes from the, yeah, a team of borrowers.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:15Speaker 02

  So we get this from the National Theatre, right?

• 2:17Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:18Speaker 02

  And they're kind of a bit, I feel they're getting a bit sick of us almost because there's quite like, they want it to be quite noble, what these outfits are used for. Because I imagine these are quite serious National Theatre plays about maybe the crimes of the British Empire and stuff.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, they didn't like us taking the Native American headdress.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Wrestling it away.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. To be, in our defence, you're the ones that made it stupidly big. I mean, it's an offensive headdress.

• 2:44Speaker 02

  It's an accurate headdress.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Well, it's offensive, I think. It's cartoonish. Anyway, we're at Trafalgar. To recap, this is not Gavin Plum's column, this is Nelson's column, okay?

• 2:57Speaker 02

  So Trafalgar, Agincourt, that's probably top two, British wins.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  No, three, two, and then you have the Falklands.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Falklands.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Trafalgar is the greatest naval victory until the Falklands.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, until the brave defence of our southern border.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Really, these uniforms should have been used in the 1982 re.

• 3:17Speaker 02

  I mean, imagine the flying paedophile Prince Andrew.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  In this.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  And a sea harrier in this.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  We are dealing with probably, I mean, this is probably the height of British naval, like, history. This doesn't get better than this, until the Falklands. To recap, Napoleon is being cucked, Nelson be cucking. It's the Napoleonic cuck wars. Under Napoleon's code, you are a paedophile if you're attracted to women. Okay, that's just French stuff, right? Now, the emperor is dominating on land and has also invented a dish called chicken meringue. However, can the elephant defeat the whale? I'm reading from my wedding vows. Now, let's get in to Napoleon's ambitions, all right?

• 4:05Speaker 01

  He has dominated on land. By 1805, Britain stands alone.

• 4:10Speaker 02

  Again.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Again, must we always do things by ourselves? Is there no one else to fight with us?

• 4:17Speaker 02

  The parallels of World War Two and World War One are stark, and they're not really talked about that much.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  It's, our economy gets entirely mobilised for war. We have a brave, rousing Prime Minister who does speeches in the House of Commons and uses kind of.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Pitt the Younger, we should talk about Pitt the Younger.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  Doesn't get talked about. He's probably one of the greatest Prime Ministers of all time. He's probably the greatest war Prime Minister apart from Churchill.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Well, he had a Churchillian rhetoric, didn't he? He made these amazing speeches. And I think what you've got to understand is that at this point, you know, there'd been eight years of existential dread.

• 4:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, people are terrified.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  That we were going to be invaded by the baby-eating French. And Bonapartism, Bonapartism was going to spread.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Napoleon has conquering all on land and by 1805, he is amassing over 100,000, perhaps 160,000 soldiers at Boulogne.

• 5:07Speaker 02

  That's a lot.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  For mock invasion drills and he is personally visiting the troops. Britain had been financing.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  The Rhineland.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  This is, he is, well, it's, it's after the panzers have stormed through.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  And it is after Dunkirk. And it's then, it's Operation Sea Lion, right? So he wants to invade England because if he invades England, England's got fuck all on land.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  You know, our greatest heroes on land are just raw dogging chubby princesses.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  So whenever sailors, be them French or Spanish, get washed up on the shoreline, there's always like old matrons with frying pans who do beat the shit out of them.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  Oh, but piss off, piss off.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  That is a consistent throughout our British history. If an enemy does, you can trust whatever seas. Because I feel our seaside towns are always grimmer than anyone else's seaside towns.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  It's a tougher sort of person who lives on the sea in Britain than, say, the Mediterranean.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, yes.

• 5:57Speaker 02

  You're like, well, at least it's on the beach, it's gonna be a beach town. No. It's gonna be, it's gonna be a broken pier with maybe a couple of bawdy sort of cartoons.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  And then an old woman in a mobility scooter is gonna smack you with a rolling pin.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  The mobility scooter panzer division will, will power across the broken pier.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  The Pebble Beach.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Schnell, schnell, chucking Greg's steak bakes at you. And then you've got the seagull air support, ah, ah. You know, it's terrifying. You know, you don't want to be washed up in Weymouth, right? You know, you want to crash land, you know, in like, in a Norfolk or something.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, you want the sleepy, yeah, the, the sea is where.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Friendly farmer. You do not want, I mean, that's our line of defence, really, is the women with frying pans and mobility scooters that, you know, are around the entire country, our perimeter of mobility scooters.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Anyway, Napoleon is gathering his forces. England have fuck all on land. So all he has to do is seize control of the Channel for maybe 36 hours, 48, to get his forces across. And then the Imperial Eagle will fly over London, right? However, in order to do that, he has to conquer the Royal Navy, which as we have been saying, is at this point, it's, it's the greatest thing, it's the greatest thing in the world.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  In the world. It's, it's, you know, there's no, there's no institution that is more cutting edge or technologically.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  More modern.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  More modern than the Royal Navy. There is panic in England about Napoleon building submarines, a nautilus, right? An hot air balloon division trying to fly across. How would an early submarine actually have functioned?

• 7:43Speaker 02

  Hold your breath.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  I guess so, holding your breath. We can take them. His plan for defeating the Royal Navy is, is fucking mad.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, he doesn't understand the sea fundamentally.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  No, he's a land guy.

• 7:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  So our old friend Admiral Villeneuve, who had basically been, he'd kind of watched as Nelson fucked up his fleet.

• 8:06Speaker 02

  He's a war cuck.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  He's a war cuck.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  His whole life, he's a war cuck.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  This series is littered with cucks, okay? It's the, it's the Napoleonic cuck wars where Villeneuve had watched Nelson destroy his fleet at the Battle of the Nile, unable to do anything about it. Maybe he liked it a little bit?

• 8:20Speaker 02

  A little bit.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  He is a fascinating character because he's incredibly depressed. He knows he's gonna get beaten. He's almost fatalistic about the whole thing in that Napoleon tells him his plan and he's like, there's no fucking way.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  But this is before men were allowed to talk about their mental health, so he probably didn't know what he was depressed.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  Well, Napoleon was doing mental health though.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  But then when your mental health guru is pushing you too hard, who do you talk to?

• 8:41Speaker 02

  This is, it's a different time, you know.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  The wheel had roads, electricity had the grid. Innovation needs infrastructure. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com/ai to learn more.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  The plan is insane, right? What Napoleon wants to do is he wants the French and tragically Spanish fleets, they've been allied together now, they're going to sail all the way across the Atlantic from their base in Toulon. And they're going to lure British ships to follow them by making a sort of feint that they're going for their interests of the Caribbean, right?

• 9:22Speaker 02

  Step-overs.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  Basically. It's the biggest step-over in history, which is crossing the entire Atlantic, going to the Caribbean, right? And then as soon as the British get there, they're going to somehow go really, really, really fast, turn around really fast, and go back and try and out-sprint them to get back to the Channel.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  That's really stupid.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  To secure them for, for 48 hours.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  Spallettelli. Oh, I love this goal. Yes.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the plan, basically. Oh my days, that's a stupid goal. But in, in.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  Incredible.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  But in reality, can you get David Dunn step over, please? In reality, this is what actually happens.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  This is probably the fourth time we've talked about this.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  It's a very, very opposite metaphor in history, right? This is what the French plan ends up being. Villeneuve, oh no.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  David Dunn, say his name. English players should not do their boners. So, in March 1805, Admiral Vilneuv slips out of Toulon. The blockade, there's a lot of naval blockades which we've not got into because

• 10:23Speaker 02

  It's too much.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  It is too much.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Even for us, it's too much.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  It's a bit of a, it's a bit of a boner kill.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  We're not there yet.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  I'm not there yet.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  We're still, you know, you're in your 30s, like, I'm in my 20s. We'll naval blockades, that's coming 40s, 50s.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Listen, sex, sex without any tools is fine for now. When I get into my 40s and 50s, I may need some additional help.

• 10:40Speaker 02

  You need a welding hat.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  I may need some naval blockade or some kind of choke device.

• 10:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  Nelson is called to action at the outbreak of war and he has a very sad, tear-jerkingly sad departure from his mistress, El Hamilton. She's like, "Oh, don't go, stay here and fuck me with my husband." And obviously his daughter Horatio, his, sorry, his adopted daughter Horatio. And I believe this is when Fanny writes him a letter saying, "Please, I love you, please come back, I'll forgive you everything." And he replies, he replies saying, "This letter was opened by mistake and unread." Awesome.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  I didn't read this.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  I didn't read this. Just so you know, I opened it by mistake. I thought, I thought it was my other wife. I hate you.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  I saw Fanny and I got excited, then I realised it was you.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Oh, it's my wife. No, didn't read it, just opened it by mistake, go away. So Nelson leaves home and he is tasked with finding the French fleet. Initially, let me, again, we must say, we don't know where the, there's no sat nav.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  You can hide.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  We don't know where the fuck they're going. So initially he goes to Egypt and just bothers around the Mediterranean before he realises, "Oh, fuck, they've gone west."

• 11:56Speaker 02

  Wait, so he does chase after them to the, down the Atlantic?

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:00Speaker 02

  So it does, the first part does work?

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yes. But then somehow, the ships are so much faster, right, that they are unable to make up that time. And so Nelson chases Vilneuv across the Atlantic to the West Indies in a three and a half thousand mile chase. It's like test cricket Benny Hill.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Right, yeah.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Right? And they miss each other by a few days because of false intelligence. All Vilneuv has managed to achieve, they were meant to start attacking maybe Trinidad or Jamaica, but they didn't, they just sort of docked there and then got cold feet and then they all got yellow fever.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  Right, as well as cold feet.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  I know, it's a really devastating combination. They all got chronically ill, they've all got lanyards, right? So they then, they then come back, but they start to come back, but they're fucked. Meanwhile, Nelson, not a single British sailor among his 8,000 strong crew has died.

• 12:57Speaker 02

  It's kind of crazy.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Because it's just, I guess it's just limes?

• 13:00Speaker 02

  They're just eating, it's the healthiest diet in the world, it's the Royal Navy, it's basically.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  At this point, yeah. I wouldn't say that now.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  No.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  No. Very, very dodgy diet they've got now.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  What?

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know, it's just probably tin fish and bumming each other, isn't it?

• 13:16Speaker 02

  Wouldn't you say so, Charlie?

• 13:16Speaker 03

  I would say so. Would you, does it ever get you going when you see the Royal Navy adverts where it's like, "I was born in Crewe, but I was..."

• 13:22Speaker 02

  Oh, they're good ads.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  If they were wearing this, I'd be more fired up.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  You'd be the most susceptible to join the army, I think, Charlie, out of the three of us. Because I just think you're the most susceptible to cults, advertising.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:34Speaker 03

  They do get done by adverts, yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're definitely, you're not the, you're not a strategy guy, you're very much a cannon fodder sort of guy.

• 13:42Speaker 03

  You throw me, well, I'm the Berserker Orc.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your last roll of the dice, yeah. I don't know what he's gonna do.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  I'd say first roll of the dice.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Right. Get him out of the way. Okay, he's dead now, right, let's, let's have a plan, we've got a plan now. So they, we've got a map up now, I mean, this is the, this is the route they go, absolutely insane.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Pointless.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  I mean, pointless. I mean, thankfully, this is carbon neutral travel.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Run out for the boys.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  I mean, how, how long does this take, like, two months?

• 14:12Speaker 02

  Oh, it's no carbon emissions.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  So Greta Thunberg would love this.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Well, it's a carbon neutral war, it can't be.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  No, it must get fired.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Firing a cannon, the musket, it must be carbon, must have a carbon. Can we find out what the carbon footprint of the Atlantic chase? Yeah, the Napoleonic Wars, please. Charlie, the carbon footprint of the whole Napoleonic Wars. Is this a war that the entire political spectrum can enjoy? It takes two and a half months to the chase.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  That's ridiculous.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  That is ridiculous, isn't it?

• 14:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:42Speaker 03

  Might be able to equate.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Little task for you, little task for you.

• 14:44Speaker 03

  How many barbecues was the Napoleonic Wars?

• 14:46Speaker 02

  No, it says at the bottom there, look at the bottom.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  How many barbecues?

• 14:49Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 14:49Speaker 01

  How many barbecues?

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Charlie, go back, go back, it says at the bottom, Charlie, it says at the bottom.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Lightly totaling only a few million tonnes of CO2 equivalents.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  Okay, wait, so.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  Okay, so work that out.

• 14:59Speaker 03

  How many tonnes of CO2 is barbecue?

• 15:00Speaker 01

  No, get barbecues out of your head, barbecues is irrelevant.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Is there no carbon in barbecue?

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Well, that's a separate question that I don't want to know the answer to.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  Yes, 5.8 kilograms.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:09Speaker 02

  Right, so how many? Right, let's find out how many millions.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Find out how many barbecues the Napoleonic Wars are then, come on. You know?

• 15:15Speaker 03

  So 5.8 kilograms.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  It's only hot in here and we're wearing a fucking naval costume, find out how many barbecues is in the fucking.

• 15:20Speaker 03

  Five million tonnes.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  Oh, Christ.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  Divided by 5.8 kilograms. So the entire Napoleonic Wars was 862,68,966 barbecues.

• 15:30Speaker 02

  All right, so 162 million barbecues.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:32Speaker 02

  The CO2 emissions.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  That's quite a lot.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  Is that good?

• 15:36Speaker 01

  Well, if Napoleon, if also Napoleon had drunk the entire Nile, then the impact on the planet would be.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  Would that be a geological disaster because the amount, the whole, it's the, it's the life of Egypt is the Nile.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Well, the ecosystem, it's the, it's the fertile.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  One of the most important arteries in the world and Napoleon's just drank it all.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  That would have been a war crime, Napoleon drank it all.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  Without affecting the barbecues?

• 16:00Speaker 02

  You know what, you don't come in with answers, sometimes you're put on the spot.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, I've got to hold my hands up and say I've never thought about that before. If Napoleon had drunk the entire Nile by himself, would it have affected the amount of barbecues the Napoleonic Wars was? I've ne, I've never thought in those terms.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  And let us know.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  You know, the rest is history, like, they have people sending questions.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  And they do it, this is, this would be our sort of version.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  How many barbecues is the Napoleon Wars? Charlie, fun little side quest, can you find out how many barbecues was the Holocaust? Now, just to put things in perspective.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Right, yeah. But whose perspective is it?

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Mine, I want to, I'm now judging history by barbecues. Right, anyway, where the fuck are we? There's a two and a half month Benny Hill chase across the Atlantic. Somehow, I don't understand this, is this what's in Master and Commander? Is this what this is about?

• 16:55Speaker 02

  No, not, Master and Commander is fictional and it's set during this time.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  But it's after Nelson's died.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Because they are looking for the French in.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  It's based on stuff like this, but it's a fictional, all of it's fictional.

• 17:07Speaker 01

  Right, okay. So Vilneuv starts heading back to Europe. Anyway, essentially Vilneuv is, he is very pessimistic, he knows, he's terrified of Nelson. Nelson's got him over a barrel.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, Vilneuv is, his, his story is quite funny because it's pretty one note.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:25Speaker 02

  There's not much depth to it, it's just constantly, "Fuck it, I'm gonna fuck it", and then he fucks it.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  I know, I'm gonna fuck it, he's gonna get me, I know.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  How's he still got his job though, I don't get it?

• 17:34Speaker 01

  Well, this is the thing, Napoleon's about to take him off, the whole battle happens because Vilneuv basically realises that he's cooked.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  And he has one last chance to save his job, right? So Vilneuv knows that Nelson's gonna get him. "Oh, he's gonna get me, I know he's gonna, oh no, I'm gonna fuck it, oh god, come on",

• 17:50Speaker 02

  He's quite relatable, Vilneuv, in this story.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  Very relatable, right? So he keeps changing his mind, he's like, "Fuck it, oh, fuck, he's on, oh, he's on, I can see him, he's there, fuck, quicker, oh, oh no, he's gonna get, he's gonna get me."

• 18:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  So he's terrified of Nelson and so he's like, "Oh, where do we go? Do we go to Cadiz, which is on the south of Spain? Do we go to Portugal?" Anyway, eventually, he had been ordered to go to, towards Brest, which is on, is Brittany, I think, so he was meant to go straight up this.

• 18:24Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, it is, yeah.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  This is, sorry, sorry, Charlie, just got, just to place Cadiz for our listeners, this is where they do the.

• 18:30Speaker 02

  So this is actually, I'll do a time placement, what's this year, what's the year?

• 18:33Speaker 01

  1805.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  So this is after Francis Drake blew up all the ships in Cadiz Harbour.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  Called the singeing of, of the king's beard, the king of Spain's beard. And before, the Spanish carnival where, as a tribute to Stephen Hawking, maybe, I'd say 50 Stephen, Spanish Stephen Hawking went down the street, all pretending to be him, and then sang a song in Spanish about the beauty of Cadiz. And that's part of what's so strange about it, is it's not only lots of Stephen Hawking, they're singing in Spanish.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  Are they doing the voice in Spanish?

• 19:06Speaker 02

  It's hard to tell because it is Spanish.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Oh, can't miss that.

• 19:09Speaker 02

  Have a look, look, it's actually hard to tell, and then the song has nothing to do with Stephen Hawking. It's about, I saw a translation, it was just about how beautiful Cadiz is, the city.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  Look, the tomato thing kind of makes sense.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  But the running of the bull, the Spanish are doing weird shit on weekends.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  It's in the voice. That's in the voice.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  I mean, it is brilliant, you got to.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  That's the 100%.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  Is it ableist or is it just like fucked?

• 19:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would say it's.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Is it ableist?

• 19:51Speaker 01

  I don't know what it is.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  What, can you find out why?

• 19:58Speaker 02

  I think they do it. It's a parade they do every year and they celebrate people in, in general.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  Like notable people.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  They do Gavin Plum next year.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  They do Gavin Plum next year.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  And it's Gavin Plum and they're also, it's just on a sofa. And they look the same, but they're just on the sofa.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  Are they raising awareness for ALS?

• 20:15Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, that is interesting. I mean, that certainly, that's, that's going what this podcast is about.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  I know, I guess so.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  We're giving visibility.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  We're raising, we're raising awareness. The fact that everyone these days is disabled. Yeah. Well, you know what? The Spanish do weird things on weekends, don't they? There's a tomato one, there's the run after a bull. What they should do is combine them where a bull chases 50 Stephen Hawking. And then you throw tomatoes at them. I'd love to see that. I would fucking love to see that. The rolling of the bull in Pamplona, sign me up. And I, I will cut the ribbon on that ceremony. Love to see that. Anyway. What have you found?

• 20:53Speaker 03

  It would take roughly 50 to 100 Stephen Hawking to defeat an average 1500 pounds bull.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  No, it wouldn't.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Incorrect. The bull would win all of, the bin would, the bull would win.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  The bin would win?

• 21:04Speaker 01

  The bin would be very full of Stephen Hawking.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  I mean, is there a number of Stephen Hawking where they would just eventually tire the bull to exhaustion, I guess?

• 21:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then the bull would have a rest. What's Hawking doing?

• 21:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:17Speaker 01

  He's a snail. He can't get away. How's he, you know?

• 21:23Speaker 02

  I don't, yeah, I don't, I don't know.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  What is Stephen Hawking's top speed?

• 21:28Speaker 01

  In nautical, in nautical knots.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  Eight miles an hour, I think.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Eight miles an hour. That's not even a milk float.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  But a bill, a bull will easily go.

• 21:35Speaker 02

  Heavy chair. So I think if you're all pressing in.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Apparently once, the bull will easily gore and flip the first 10 or 20 wheelchairs. But once the number climbs past 50 or 100 Stephens, the physical space of the arena fills entirely. So the bull gets surrounded by Stephens.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  AI is amazing.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  There's no arena. It's a field. It's an empty field.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  No, it's imagining it in like a bullfight.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Well, it's no, no, it's not a spectator sport. That's, that's, that's horrific.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  No, you're in a street. You're in a street.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  No, you're not in a street.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  50 to 100 Stephens in a street and then they surround it. It's like how bees will defeat their enemy by kind of, they enclose it and then heat their enemy up.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  To Stephen. Heat their enemy up?

• 22:12Speaker 03

  The bees, bees will defeat their enemy by heating them up in a ball. And Stephen Hawking, Stephen Hawking will, will take, will surround the ball and then if you've got enough.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  We've got so much meat in this episode.

• 22:24Speaker 01

  This is the Battle of Trafalgar. And we are, we are talking about how many Stephen Hawking it would take to defeat a bull. And the answer is, there would be no, get, to, to finish this, get the video up of the recent, of the guy who tried to, who got, who gets flipped by a bull. Have you seen that? Guy in America?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  No, America, yeah. I think it's not a ball.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  It's a bison or something.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is it.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  This is awesome.

• 22:50Speaker 01

  So imagine you're Stephen Hawking, right?

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's pretty terrifying seeing it fuck up that tree. So you know it's coming for you.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 23:02Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Here we go. I mean.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  I mean, I mean, come on. Hawking's not, Hawking is not touching the ball.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  You know what's amazing about that? Anywhere where your head's here and then a second later your head's there and your feet are there. That's just incredible.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  That's box office.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  So Vilneuve is having a terrible time. Okay. But yes, he, he, he decides to go to the Stephen Hawking Festival. He goes, fuck me. I want to see this. I love Stephen Hawking, right? Even though he'd been originally ordered towards the Channel because that was the whole plan.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  That was the whole point.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  The whole point was to lead them on a merry dance and then you buy yourself two days, less than two days to secure the Channel.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  And you got distracted by Stephen Hawking's festival in Cadiz.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, I've got to go. Apparently they're doing 50 of them. They're doing The Voice in Spanish.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  In Spanish.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  It's in Spanish. It's like the translation box got mixed up. I want to see that. Anyway, eventually the British fleet catch up with Vilneuve off Cape Finisterre, which is in Portugal. There wasn't much of an action. Anyway, they get to Cadiz and now Nelson basically blockades Cadiz. I think he maybe even goes home for a bit and then comes back. I don't know. Anyway. So we get to October where Vilneuve is running out of food because he's stuck in Cadiz, but there's no supplies.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  So he needs, everyone knows he's going to need to go out at some point. And let's, once again, we need, sorry, we need to know how many ships of the line are involved. I need to know this. I had a go at you last time. I always want to know how many ships of the line are involved at any moment.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  So Nelson, like Napoleon though, is always looking for a decisive conflict, right?

• 24:34Speaker 01

  An annihilation conflict.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. He wants, because he knows if it's 1v1, he's going to win. Not 1v1, it's not. But most people who are trying to defeat Napoleon or Nelson, they're just trying to avoid direct conflict at all times.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Yes, because their, their whole goal is to be wiped out. So there are 33 French and Spanish ships of the line. Huge numbers because in their entire fleet, maybe there's 80, something like that. The British have 27 ships of the line. Okay. They're outnumbered. Just how we like it. We are underdogs.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  In October, Vilneuve finally makes a run for it. Okay. Because Napoleon tells him that another admiral is going to come and replace him because he's such a scaredy cat. And he goes, well, I'll, I'll show him. I'll show him. Oh no, he's going to get me. And then they basically, they leave and on the 21st of October, 1805, Nelson finally gets what he had spent months chasing. The chance for a decisive confrontation. Okay. So Nelson had been in this sort of, sort of unusually preoccupied with death before this battle. He basically said, I'm never going to see any of you again.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Well, he's hoping that. I mean, he hopes that every battle.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Because he knows that it.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  His luck can't carry on forever because you can't just stand on the board. You can't just stand highlighted, shoot at me on the deck of your fucking flagship, not being able to duck.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  Not allowed to duck.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, for hours as people shoot at you.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  He is, he is looking for this decisive confrontation, but also I think he knows that his, the tactics he's planning are kind of suicide.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  Because what he's planning, and we're going to get into naval tactics now. Okay. So pack your spare pants. Here we go. The Allied ships, the French and Spanish are in the standard formation, which is a line. Now, what Nelson is proposing, and he's thought about this for months, is that he will separate his ships of the line into two columns.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  And they will essentially nine eleven the French and Spanish line.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  And so they will drive into it at a perpendicular angle and separate the superior forces into three more manageable sections. They're going to deal with the rear and the centre first.

• 26:52Speaker 02

  But also.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Because the headwind, sorry, I'm cooking.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  The headwind will take the vanguard forward, meaning that it's impossible for them to retreat and help out the rear and the centre.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  But also fundamentally, this is the, the main thing I understand about naval tactics is you want to rake them. Do you know what being raked is?

• 27:09Speaker 01

  I've been raked a few times in my life. I've been gang raked a few times in my life. What's raking?

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Raking a ship is when, you know, not standard warfare, you both have your cannons broadside and you're firing at each other, right?

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  But if you rake it, it means that you are shooting nose to tail, right? And it's far more damage nose to tail because you're firing cannonballs from the top of the ship to the back of the ship, which is causing so much more damage than through the side of the ship. Does that make sense?

• 27:40Speaker 01

  By, as in you're still firing broadside, but the other ship is on an angle.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  Yes. If it's on an angle, if you're shooting at the front of the ship.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  And you're just moving your cannons, the balls are flying through the entire, through the marsh, the rig, there's so much more damage.

• 27:52Speaker 01

  Yes, because you're not just going through the ship.

• 27:54Speaker 02

  The whole, with this whole idea, as he nine elevens them.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 02

  What is amazing about it is he's risking himself getting raked for the first 20 minutes, 25 minutes.

• 28:03Speaker 01

  Maybe more than that. I mean, they see each other coming for ages.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  But, so you're, you're completely vulnerable for the beginning.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  But as soon as you manage to go into their columns, that means that you can either side endlessly rake that, that, all of their ships, basically.

• 28:18Speaker 01

  Gang rake them, basically, because both fronts. I mean, the French and Spanish get gang raked at Trafalgar. And that's why we have that square. And I think Trafalgar Square is the best name than Gang Rake Square, personally. Personally, I think they did a good job in naming that.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  What's a spit rake?

• 28:33Speaker 01

  A spit rake would be, I'll tell you exactly what that is. That's if, get the map back up. If, that's if Nelson in the victory at the head of the first column and Collingwood in the, whatever that ship's called, in the head of the second column. That would be when they both spit rake the central part of the Allied fleet there. But I think what Nelson's plan is, is that he's going to hang around and get the rear column.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  And what's double penetrate in?

• 29:02Speaker 01

  Double penetrate, that would be both columns.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Well, that would be you're double raking them for me that.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  It's just unthinkable.

• 29:10Speaker 02

  You know what it is, Charlie? It would be you're both kind of at the same time firing cannonballs in the same place.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 29:16Speaker 02

  So you're trying to rake them and.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  And do you know where he's got this idea from? His throuple with the Hamiltons.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  This is where he gets his naval tactics from, okay?

• 29:27Speaker 02

  Two cannonballs, one hole.

• 29:29Speaker 01

  Two cannonballs, one cup, all right? This is why the throuple is important to the Trafalgar. Because he's using, you know, the tactics that him and Sir William Hamilton used on Lady Emma with the Allied fleet in the Mediterranean or wherever this is. This is the Atlantic, I guess. It's Eiffel Towering. Thank you, Phoebe. Can always rely on Phoebe to bring up Eiffel Towering. She won't stop going on about it.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  So this is the tactic, okay? And he's thought about this for months. But what I, what I struggle to understand is because this is naval warfare. Google, how fast is a ship of the line travelling at Trafalgar when he's, when he's nine 11?

• 30:09Speaker 02

  They're pretty fast.

• 30:10Speaker 01

  But I want to know, is it 30 miles an hour? Because that's still a long time of.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  Three and a half miles an hour. So about less than half the speed of a max speed Stephen Hawking.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  So, so what?

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Stephen Hawking is about eight miles an hour.

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Oh, so it is slow, actually.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  So Stephen Hawking is quicker, twice as fast.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Basically, to envisage being the French at Trafalgar, you are what, you are at the head, right? Of the Cadiz Stephen Hawking procession. That's how long you've got to get your act together. It is the slowest motion nine 11 there is.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  It's a conspiracy theory YouTube documentary slowed down the footage to see when Jeb Bush started it.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  I think Nelson did Trafalgar himself.

• 30:49Speaker 00

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• 31:19Speaker 01

  So.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  How long was, so we've got the tactics, right? I think we explained that, right?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Perfectly.

• 31:24Speaker 02

  There's a, there's a line and then they're going the opposite way to try and break it up.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Can I just say?

• 31:30Speaker 02

  So it's like putting two fingers. I guess like pushing two fingers into the palm of someone else's hand, I guess.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Yes, it is. But, but the convention would be that he also forms a line and they broadside at each other. But that is what, why he's breaking convention. And it's, and it is, as you said, it is so, it's suicidal. Especially because he's at the front. He is leading his men at the front.

• 31:51Speaker 02

  He's at the front of the ship that's at the front.

• 31:54Speaker 01

  Of the, of the plane. He's Mohammed Atta. And yet he's the captain.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  Right? So that's the flagship as well, the most important ship. So as they eventually approach, and you know, this, this, this is happening at a snail's pace. So this is the whole morning, everyone knows what's coming.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  And yet because they're sailing, they can't turn around.

• 32:14Speaker 02

  How long was Victory shot at

• 32:22Speaker 02

  in the Battle of Trafalgar before they could rake, before they could rake them? Do we know? How long was that period of the battle?

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Forty to 45 minutes.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Fucking hell. Forty-five minutes of them.

• 32:33Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  Is this mental?

• 32:36Speaker 02

  So it's been shot at for 45 minutes until it could break through?

• 32:39Speaker 01

  So we're skipping ahead. So on the morning of the 21st of October, Nelson readies the entire ship for attack. They put loads of sand down because they're like, it's going to be a bloodbath.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  So it's like a pub, right?

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Yes, it is. Yeah. Change the barrels out, change the barrels, get the sawdust out. At 11:45, he issues the signal, the famous signal, which the tabloids now say every time we go into the World Cup. England expects that every man will do his duty. That's where this comes from. Okay. So about 12 o'clock, about midday, the French and the Spaniards start firing, as you say, at the Victory. And is it Colin Wood in the, whatever his ship's called in the other column? And they're just, yeah, they're taking 45 minutes. I mean, that's an undercooked Edinburgh show is worth of fire, right? And splinters are firing everywhere, you know? We, let's talk about, let's talk about the naval, the actual battles, the actual weapons. You've got grape shot cannon.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Right? You've, you've got, what's the, the balls with the chains? Chain shot, two iron balls linked with a chain that's like that. There are people standing next to Nelson that just get hit by a cannon just exploding.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  He's standing there like this and one of his mates will have a cannonball just obliterate him entirely. Dissolves him.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  A man basically evaporates.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Next to him.

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Nelson doesn't.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  He's not allowed to flinch.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  It's like you just exploding there and I'm like. Yep. Okay. And he's just parading like this ostrich feather up because you can't.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Heart rate hasn't changed.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  You can't flinch with an ostrich feather because if I'm like, oh no.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, you lose.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  The ostrich feather is still.

• 34:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  So let's have a look. This is some naval, this is some cannon, cannon shot. You've got lots of different types of fucking, I mean, this is the stuff now that like terrorists will put in.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  This is the sort of stuff Charlie puts up his arse.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  Charlie's putting chain shot up his arse, yeah.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Charlie lays this out on his bed and just thinks, what?

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Have I been a good boy this week?

• 34:35Speaker 01

  This is more of a Sunday butt plug. So England prepares at about 12:45 PM. Finally, Nelson begins to pass through the French and Spanish lines and they open fire.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  As soon as they've reached there, that it's basically.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like, it's night, night. It's lights out. So they, as, as they push forward, the Victory is severely damaged. But this is where it breaks through into just chaotic, close range fighting, the noise. I think there's a stat that something like eight times the amount of ammunition is used in Trafalgar than by all the armies at Waterloo put together.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  Really? Wow.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Like it's just an absolute fire basket. The noise must have been insane.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  I mean, what, the Victory has 120 cannons? They're all going off, are they going off at the same time? Are they going off like, like constantly one down?

• 35:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. How do you like, because it's so noisy. How do you like know how the battle's going? How do you even check in? Like at this point, there's no way to do tactics mid battle, right?

• 35:48Speaker 01

  Well, it's all about semaphore. So this is why you all go after the flagship, because if you take the flagship down, then you take, you basically take out the, the command centre. Cause then no one can, so he's putting flags up saying engage the enemy more closely. I support gay prize.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  It's like everyone's putting their commanders in the most vulnerable place. The one person who could decide what to do.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:08Speaker 02

  They're like, let's put, make them as vulnerable as possible.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Ostrich feather, put a big shiny thing above him. So the British now have this technological advantage for the close quarter combat because they have the Carinade, which is a short lightweight cannon nicknamed Smashes. So they can shoot at point blank range, which is like canister shots or hundreds of musket balls. They're like massive shotguns.

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  So what is it, Charlie?

• 36:32Speaker 03

  The carbon footprint of the.

• 36:34Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  Of, there are, there are 830 million barbecues in the Holocaust, according, based on weight.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  And how many, how many million barbecues was the Napoleonic Wars?

• 36:45Speaker 03

  I think about the same.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  About the same, slightly, slightly more.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Suspicious.

• 36:50Speaker 03

  What does that mean?

• 36:51Speaker 01

  That's such a big number. 830 million barbecues?

• 36:54Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  I'm not buying that for a second.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  Come on, come on. Let's, let's have that. Anyway, Nelson's between sort of 1:30 and 4:30, it's just constant noise and fighting. However, at 1:15, Nelson is stood on the quarter deck of the Victory. They have successfully, they have successfully passed the French line.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  And yet on the French ship redoubtable, a sniper has him in his sights. And at 1:15, a musket ball goes through Nelson's shoulder, goes through my spine. And he, he's suddenly.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  It's actually quite an unlucky shot, even though he's been very lucky to not have been shot more.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  If he had his arm, he might have.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, the actual shot's pretty unlucky because it hits his shoulder and then it ricochets and just goes into Danny's entire spine and completely fucks him. Because if he got shot in the shoulder, he'd survive.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  But he's got no arm.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:50Speaker 01

  So it just goes straight. He's got nowhere to go.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  So he is standing next to his, his friend and colleague, friend, Thomas Hardy. Is Thomas Hardy? Who we should talk about a little bit because he's, he basically like just fucking loves whipping cunts.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  He is next to it. They're surveying the action. And then Nelson, suddenly he looks around, Hardy looks around and Nelson's taking the knee and he's like, what the fuck?

• 38:14Speaker 02

  Is this like Black Lives Matter or something?

• 38:16Speaker 01

  We've got the ABLM flag on. What are you doing this for as well? Then Nelson is quickly carried below deck. And Nelson said, they've finally done it. Well, you've only gone and done it now.

• 38:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've done it.

• 38:27Speaker 02

  So he's over the moon.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  He looks like my dad's mate, Harry.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Okay. They get into the cockpit. Now the cockpit is where surgeons operated.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Right. So this is just like a factory of amputations.

• 38:38Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Right. This is like candlelight, sweltering, unventilated space below the waterline. Okay. Limbs are being thrown into the sea. Just get, get that rid of that.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  And sharks are loving it.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  So there's sharks everywhere.

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Are there?

• 38:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. Loads of sharks. Charlie's woken up so much, so scared. Sharks are all around the Battle of Trafalgar. So the people die from just falling off a ship, getting eaten by a shark. That's, that's the cause of death of Trafalgar. Cause there's loads, because limbs are being put in buckets of sand and it's trying, and then just shoved into the sea. Also, before they even start the battle, they go, right, we're going to attack. We've got like chickens and sheep, just get them overboard. So they just chuck a load of cows and beef into the sea.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  I can't believe they're like, I'd imagine.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're like, fucking hell, I've had worse Mondays.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  The sharks had definitely had worse Mondays.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  For Trafalgar?

• 39:27Speaker 02

  For lots of people at Trafalgar, they had never had a worse Monday.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Yes, it was the worst Monday for many people.

• 39:31Speaker 02

  This was their worst Monday.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  Yes, it was. But we must remember that sharks would love to see Trafalgar Square. They'd love it.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  Why?

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Because they were like, this was the best day to be a shark.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  Right, right. Yeah.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  This was one of the best days to be a shark. Is that Nelson Scott? Well, I love that man. I love this whole thing.

• 39:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  And it was fought on a Monday. So.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Fucking hell.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  There you go. The best Monday to be a shark.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  Anyway, now they, they've got amputations and such a fine art that it takes two, under two minutes with a saw, rum and a leather gag.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  So it's like a Formula One pit crew.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  But just get taking your arms off and not putting them back on.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  No, there's no, it's not going to tire change. It's just take your wheels off, right? Off you go. You've taken half the car's wheels off.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Enemy ships are starting to surrender as the British are gang raking them to fuck.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  Now, Thomas Hardy is running up and down to report to Nelson on, on progress. Nelson is trying to be treated by a surgeon, but everyone sees him, he's like, this guy, this cunt's fucked.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:30Speaker 01

  And he's sweating, he's pale.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  I don't know how he's still alive.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  No, but his last words aren't, kiss me Hardy, like that's, that's not, he doesn't sound like that.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  It's not far off.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Like, well, do you kiss me?

• 40:41Speaker 02

  Please, Hardy, kiss me.

• 40:44Speaker 01

  So he's dipping in and out of consciousness, uh, there's these three hours, he's down on the table and, you know, Hardy's, Hardy's crying.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, and I guess Nelson's like.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  This is the national hero.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, but now Nelson's thinking, this is bucket list stuff. I'm definitely dead now. I never had experience with another bloke, so I never knew if I was gay or not. So he's trying to tick off some bucket list stuff.

• 41:05Speaker 01

  Oh, you think that's what's going on?

• 41:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  Cause there is debate amongst scholars as to whether he says kiss met Hardy.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  What does kiss met mean?

• 41:11Speaker 01

  It's like, it's like, um, isn't it a Hebrew thing?

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Horatio Nelson speaking Turkish in his way out.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Yes, please, my friend. Yes, please. Hardy, yes, please.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Kiss me Hardy, yes, please.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  Very good, chili garlic.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  Anybody next, please?

• 41:22Speaker 01

  You want salad and sauce? Salad and sauce. And everyone's like, fucking hell, he's gone, did he really? Did the bullet go in his brain or something? You want salad and sauce? Salad and sauce, my friend, kiss.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  He's getting a kiss from his whole crew. Gets a kiss. Anybody next, please?

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Who's next? Yes, please, please. Yes, please, my friend.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  Salad and sauce, anybody? Salad and sauce, anybody next?

• 41:45Speaker 01

  Uh, I'm pretty, isn't kiss met, I thought it was a Hebrew thing.

• 41:48Speaker 03

  The Vanessa?

• 41:48Speaker 01

  No. What?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Vanessa.

• 41:51Speaker 02

  What?

• 41:52Speaker 01

  Oh, the Vanessa, the Israeli parliament.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  Right, sorry.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  No, you're right.

• 41:54Speaker 02

  I thought you said finesse it.

• 41:55Speaker 03

  Finesse it, Hardy.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  So supposedly, yeah, the, the famous line is that, um, as Nelson lays, is dying, he says, kiss me Hardy. Fucking kiss it, touch it. And Hardy bends down and kisses him on the cheek. Nelson is hanging on, basically until he hears.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  He's hanging on until he realises if he, if he's gay or not. He needs to find out before.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, I really need to know. Kiss it, kiss it, kiss it. Uh. Yeah, I'm gay. Oh, no.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  I could have done the last half gay.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck, no. So he basically needs to know that his death, because he knows that to destroy this fleet is to secure Britain's superiority.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  Basically, it kind of secures world peace to World War One, basically, like between great powers.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  On the sea, on the seas.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Pretty much. I mean, Crimean War aside, for, it's a Pax Britannica, basically, start.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  Well, we've got, yeah, we've still got 10 years of Napoleon at Wars after this. But as in.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  On the sea.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  On the sea.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  He's killed it.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  The sea is a theatre. Yeah, he's killed it. There you go, that's the episode. Nelson's killed it, guys.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  He's killed it. He's smashed out the park.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  You smashed out the park.

• 43:03Speaker 02

  You smashed out the park.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. Uh, but this, yeah, so he needs to know, and he's always, he's always looking for this confrontation that will ultimately secure the sea for Britain. Uh, and so when Hardy finally confirms around 4:30 PM that the battle is won, Nelson responds, thank God, I have done my duty. And then he tragically dies.

• 43:23Speaker 02

  Kiss it Hardy.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Kiss me, kiss me, uh.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Finesse it Hardy.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  At the age, yes, yes, please, my friend.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  Anybody next, please? Chili or garlic?

• 43:32Speaker 01

  You know, salad and sauce. He dies at the age of 47, you know? Tragic, tragic.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  Anybody next, please? Salad and sauce.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  And now, the sniper who had shot Nelson, seconds, uh, seconds after he had shot Nelson, a midshipman on the Victory, shoots him to shit and he plummets from the rigging, lands on the deck, and then another sailor points a cannon at him and fires scrap iron at the sniper's body.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  So the sniper dies before Nelson does.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  The sniper gets absolutely obliterated, completely shot to shit. And I want to just.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  It's only joke, it's only joke.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  I want to, I want to just paint a picture here, you know, that, that, this is like, the splinters flying everywhere. It is, most people are dying because of like just shards of wood flying through the air. And there's just constant, how many people die at the end of it all on the British side? Obviously, if you're, if you're below deck, if you're firing the cannons, you're actually, that's the safest place to be in many respects.

• 44:36Speaker 02

  Sorry, Charlie's just watching far as the.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's watching, but he needs, he needs something to understand what's going on.

• 44:41Speaker 02

  I'm watching Charlie's eyes. And he just really, I can just see you're really enjoying watching far as, not, not helping at all, just watching a movie.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  So four and a, four and a half thousand dead, is this total or is this just on the, it's total, and three and a half thousand wounded. 450 British dead and, uh, the, the rest are, and wow.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  What, they're doing all the food? Where's all the food?

• 45:05Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 45:05Speaker 03

  Where's all the food?

• 45:07Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Where do they keep all the food?

• 45:08Speaker 02

  Charlie, it's not there anymore.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  In the ship.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  And is that all good? Is that?

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, it's fine.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Nelson's just, we've got bigger things to worry about, Charlie.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Anyway, right, so, um, by the early evening, it's clear that the battle is won. And, uh, Vilnov has lost 22 French ships. Now Nelson had said that he wanted to capture, uh, 20 ships, uh, which was, I mean, at the Nile, he captures, is it like 11? And that's, that's, that's mad.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  20 ships is, the idea of that's never been seen before.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  It's like Ronaldo numbers. You're laughing, there's no way. And he, uh, it is the most heroic, I mean, victory.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  That's ever been to this point. It's unthinkable how many ships he's captured.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  I think what sets him apart though, with all these sort of battle heroes, heroes throughout history is how much he put himself at the front and centre. I just don't know if that's kind of paralleled anywhere.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  No.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  With someone who puts themselves so much in the line of fire.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  Does Henry the Fifth do that?

• 46:07Speaker 02

  Well, Henry the Fifth, there's, but with these medieval warrior kings, they're, they're involved, but they're, they're feeling more protected. I don't know.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  No, I agree. I mean, it, it's like Winston Churchill, basically, being on the front.

• 46:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, frontline.

• 46:20Speaker 01

  Of D-Day.

• 46:21Speaker 02

  It's Churchill being first off the boat at Normandy.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  The thing, and he's just there and he just gets completely, that's the equivalent.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  So Vilnov is quite interesting. He gets taken prisoner by the British, but he's released. And then in 1806, uh, having returned to France, he was humiliated. And then shortly afterwards, he gets found dead in a hotel room in Rennes and officially ruled suicide. But reports suggest he had six stab wounds to the chest, which, I mean, oh, it's quite a French way to kill yourself, I guess, but.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  He got knocked off.

• 46:56Speaker 01

  Obviously Napoleon, who had been unhappy with him from the beginning, supposedly he's the culprit. Now, uh, just to get a bit more of the, um, uh, the acoustic, the extreme acoustic shock of all the broadsides basically means that sailors who had been previously uninjured, their internal organs started to vibrate, triggering 48 hours of projectile vomiting and blindness.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  I mean, this is like one of Charlie's weekends.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's so noisy that you go blind for two days.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  The clubs you go to, you leave and you're just, throwing up. Now, Nelson dies, everyone's gutted.

• 47:34Speaker 02

  Guttet.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  Gut, oh, gutted. That's what Hardy says. Fucking gutted, mate.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  Wrong glass, gutted.

• 47:43Speaker 01

  Is I shouldn't have. Um, now, uh, his corpse, basically, they, what the, the standard procedure is they just chuck corpses overboard, feed the sharks. But no one wants to do that with Nelson. So what they do is they stick him in a barrel full of rum and they. Hey? They don't fire him out. They're not Evel Knievel. It's not a human cannonball.

• 48:05Speaker 02

  They fire him over six London buses.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. They stick him in a, a barrel of rum to be transported back to London, right? But supposedly, uh, sailors would drill into the barrel to drink the alcohol, right?

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  And this is where we get the phrase tapping the Admiral. This is them firing Admiral Nelson, uh, heroic victory after Trafalgar and, yeah, under a big trampoline. So that's where tapping the Admiral comes from. Uh, and he's, uh, given a massive state funeral. But before that, could you get the photos I sent on the WhatsApp, uh, when I was in Cornwall? Because when I was in Cornwall, I went to Penzance, right? And I was just.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  I was walking through the, through Penzance and I found this pub, might even be called The Nelson. And I walked in and I, it said on outside, this is the pub where Nelson's death was first announced after Trafalgar.

• 48:57Speaker 02

  So I guess that would be the first, the most westerly point of Britain.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  There's a ship called the HMS Pickles. Um, that's it. Uh, and the, if, uh, that, maybe fishing boats get the pickles or something, they get the sailors back to Penzance. And then this pub, that, that balcony there is where, uh, news of Nelson's death was first announced. And then this pub in Penzance has a series of like paintings and, uh, they've got Nelson's desk mark, death mask there as well. And also.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  Just the age of the death mark, Madame Tussauds knocking about.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Exactly. They got a statue, like a waxwork of Nelson in this pub in Penzance, uh, and it looks at you without your glasses on.

• 49:38Speaker 02

  Really?

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Looks like you without your glasses on, yeah. Now, the barrel arrives in England. The alcohol had changed colour from, uh, the absorption of Nelson's blood, so it is now purple, the rum, purple rum.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  I don't worry not that's what, yeah, you've got a fucking body in there.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  There's our body in there. I don't, you shouldn't really be drinking that. Um, and he's buried, he has a state funeral, um, at St Paul's Cathedral. And he is encased in a coffin crafted from the timber of that flagship, Lorient, problematically named, that he destroyed at the Nile. And you know, there's a huge, I mean, this is like Diana on steroids.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  This is sort of, this era is going into the birth of the age of celebrity in itself. And he's like the most famous man in Britain at this point. Yeah, I mean, he is Beckham.

• 50:21Speaker 01

  But this is, imagine if Diana had died because that car was going into a French fleet of tanks.

• 50:28Speaker 02

  But it wasn't in Paris.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  But it was in Paris.

• 50:30Speaker 02

  So it went into a French tunnel.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  Exactly. Well, exactly. She thought there was a squadron of tanks in there. Anyway. He dies a hero, Admiral Collingwood, who takes command after Nelson remarks that a great man has fallen, but England is saved. And the battle does essentially settle the issue of the seas.

• 50:47Speaker 02

  Nelson does sort of princess Diana into the French line.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  With a horde of paparazzi behind him.

• 50:53Speaker 01

  Well, he actually was having his photo taken by the rest of the fleet. And he's like, can you just leave me alone? I'm with my new Arab boyfriend. And anyway, this was much more successful. Princess Diana. The hero who Diana the French, 180 years previously. Now, Nelson may have won at sea, but on land, what Napoleon does is he takes those troops that were amassing at Boulogne, and he goes, right, fuck it, boys, we're going east. In our next episode, Napoleon will have, I can't believe I'm about to say this, his greatest moment at Austerlitz. My God, your prostitutes are not going to be able to, they're going to cave in when I describe Austerlitz.

• 51:33Speaker 02

  This is his Trafalgar, basically.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Austerlitz, you've got the Ulm campaign.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  Well.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. You've got Napoleon in Spain, the Spanish ulcer, guerrillas.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  And, and a new English hero will emerge to take on Napoleon on land. That's already on the Patreon, or is it? I'm not sure. We're doing these in two dumps.

• 51:58Speaker 01

  Yes, there probably will be. We're having two big dumps of Napoleonic War episodes. You add your first load of shit and then the second load of shit's coming. The entirety of the rest of the season, the second dump is part six. That's all going on the Patreon in one go. Anyway, fuck it, it's on the Patreon or not.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Fuck it, we'll do it pre-recorded.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Fuck it, we'll pre-record it.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  God bless Horatio Nelson and God bless this country. We'll see you next time for the continuation of this epic saga. Good night.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  Goodbye.

• 52:47Speaker 00

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