Napoleonic Warfare is Rock Paper Scissors | Austerlitz & The Peninsular War (Part 6/10)

Napoleon is back, desperate for an heir and is good because he just is, alright! The Napoleonic Wars (Part Six) Get Fin's book in audio form ⁠here⁠! This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠ The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠ Chapters: 00:00 - Rock Paper Scissors 05:44 - Charlie’s Breakfast 10:04 - He Just Is! 12:06 - Ding, Meet Dong 17:45 -The blackout 21:24 - Am I A Good Boss? 24:50 - I’m So Hard 32:51 - AWOO! 35:06 - Self Defenestration! 38:33 - Spawn Mogging 44:38 - We Love An Enquiry 48:20 - I Know What You Mean Brother 52:54 - Bumfirk Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The wheel was brilliant, but the road made it iconic. Electricity was powerful, but the grid brought it to every home. Innovation needs infrastructure. AI is no different, especially in finance, where AI can't run without context. But it can run on Plaid's infrastructure. Built over 13 years to understand why money moves. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com/ai to learn more.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  And that was five parts leading up to Trafalgar. And now we start five parts leading up to Waterloo.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Welcome back to Fin vs History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. It's part six. Fellas, prostates out. Get them out your arse. I don't know what that means.

• 1:19Speaker 02

  Pink sock. We're going to staple them back in.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  We need to take your prostates out your arse, pink socket, have a look at it and put it back in. We've done Trafalgar because we're now embarking.

• 1:30Speaker 02

  I mean, we're right, this is the thick of it, right?

• 1:32Speaker 01

  It could not be thicker.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  This is the midst. There's musket fire.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  You were up all night pulling your hair up.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  My prostate's fucked. It's imploded. I've been, I don't piss anymore. It falls out. It dribbles out because I've been reading through the battles that we're going to encounter this episode.

• 1:48Speaker 02

  It's more what you cut out than what you leave in, really.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  Last night I went through it all. I motivated my tome. Fellow school shooters.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  He fought so many battles, too many.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  He won them all.

• 1:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Fellow school shooters, hold your Napoleon tomes.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  Fellow.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  I don't think many people have said fellow school shooters because it's not much of a community.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  My fellow school shooters. No, that's the problem with school shooters.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  And do they identify as school shooters? I don't know if they, I think they'd view themselves as vigilantes or fighting for justice. I don't think it's like, yeah, I'm a school shooter.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  No, it's just, it's like the word Jew. It can be a.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  It depends how much tank you put on it.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  School shooter.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  I'm a school shooter. We're a community of school shooters.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Fellow school shooters, hold your Napoleon tome high. Put your right hand on it. Get your penis out. We're going to go through the battles of Napoleon in Central Europe. Okay, this is a big one. Last chance, ladies, go away.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  To recap, Napoleon and his fleet has been defeated at Trafalgar.

• 2:51Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  The French navy is effectively destroyed. Nelson is dead.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  But fear not.

• 2:57Speaker 02

  He's given up on sea, Napoleon. That's all, that's over.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  Doesn't matter.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Fuck it, I don't care.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  The army that was amassing at Bourgogne, that was about, that was waiting for the channel to be cleared. They've turned around and he's gone, fuck it.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Let's go the other way then.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  It's another Operation Sea Lion.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  We had plans, the invasion exists in a book and that's it, basically.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  So we're going east. Now, before we get into these battles, I would like to cook for a while.

• 3:24Speaker 02

  Please.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  On Napoleonic land warfare.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Please.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Because we've only really talked about it in the naval.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  The forum is yours.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  The naval.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  The Reddit forum is yours.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  The assembly hall is mine. I've got a gun.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  I barricaded the door shut.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Right, okay. So you're going to listen to my manifesto and then I may let you leave. All right? That's, that's how we're doing this. So now Napoleon, of course, had introduced mass conscription. One of the first people to do that. That is why he is so dominant, is that he's got so many more men. But Napoleonic warfare on land, as you've said before in this series, is so enchanting to men because it's essentially, we can all understand how you do it.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Because it is basically just chess.

• 4:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Very simplistic chess.

• 4:12Speaker 02

  It's satisfying because it's penetrable enough that you will fill in the gaps, saying, I would have done that as well.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  I know why he did that and so I could do that.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Well, I would have done that.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  I will do that.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  Because it's obvious.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  I will, I'll show them all tomorrow at school.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  Because when you read it, it makes it sound like it was obvious.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  So it was nice thinking, well, I would have thought of that as well.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  But also, when you're watching the animations with the arrows, which I was last night, and Amanda went to bed long before I started doing that. This is where the arrows actually make sense. When you get to World War II, it's a fucking mess. You can't see what's going on. So Napoleonic warfare on land is a triangle.

• 4:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  Cavalry, artillery, infantry.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  And it's a bit like rock, paper, scissors. Okay, in that you're trying to, some things beat other things, right? Charlie, let me cook. Some things.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  He's not having that.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Why, what is it?

• 5:01Speaker 03

  Apparently if you pretend to punch someone before you do rock, paper, scissors. Then they're more likely to do scissors.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  You said this.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  I don't know why.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  We talked about this for 10 minutes on the pod before.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Not on this pod, we haven't.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  We did.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Really?

• 5:12Speaker 02

  Genuinely, yeah.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  Because I think it's that they get scared and then like.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  You sure it's not your other podcast?

• 5:17Speaker 02

  Maybe it was the other podcast.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  I've never heard that before.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  A scissors, yeah, it's interesting. A scissors is more.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  It's not interesting.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  It's more powerful than a fist because it's made of metal. So next time you do.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Who doesn't know that?

• 5:27Speaker 03

  Well, subconsciously, no, no one knows in many ways.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Right. Napoleonic warfare on land is essentially rock, paper, scissors.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Well, I guess you can use that as a metaphor because there's a way, if you, the threat of force might make someone more, go for a more attacking option, when actually rock was the choice to make.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  You know?

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  There is something Napoleonic, you know, going like this, saying I could do that means that they're like that.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  You've interrupted me, my cooking.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  I was making a meal and now Charlie's just knocked the pan in the bin. Okay, so you're not getting fed is my point.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  No, sorry, please, please.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  And I'm, and I'm the king, so I'm meant to be able to cook. Cooking.

• 6:04Speaker 02

  You know what kings are like? Always cooking.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  They're always cooking, kings. Yeah. As the youth say today. Anyway, prostates out, fellas. So cavalry, artillery, infantry, right? And it's like rock, paper, scissors in that cavalry will massacre infantry if they're in a line. If infantry, if infantry are in a defensive square, then the cavalry, the horses with the swords on top, they will, they will just charge towards the square, but they will, they'll get spooked because they won't willingly impale themselves. All right? So if you're in a defensive square, you're all holding your bayonets out and the horses don't go near it.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  But why wouldn't you do a defensive square then?

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Because it takes time to get into a defensive square.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Right? So if a cavalry charge surprises you out of the woods and you're in a line, you're fucked.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  It's a defensive bukkake, right?

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Please.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  You will turn your backs and you wank outwards.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly. It's Paul Golding at a bukkake that's entirely Muslim men. Paul Golding's going, right, well, I'm not doing this. Sorry, no, it's a Muslim woman, isn't it? It's a Muslim woman in the middle.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  And then the whole of Britain first wanking away.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Wanking around. That's a defensive, Napoleonic defensive square. Yeah. Very easy to understand. Okay, then you have artillery. Now artillery loves nothing more than to shoot at a defensive square because.

• 7:24Speaker 02

  It's a rigid, they're tight together.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  They're tight together, you know, two birds, one stone, basically.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  You shoot a cannonball, you can hit loads of different people, right? Artillery does not like a line. So what you're going to try and do, right?

• 7:37Speaker 02

  Oh, that's good.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  What Napoleon would try and do is use combined arms. Prostates out, fellas.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Because if you can trick, if you can feint with your cavalry to make people form a square.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  Rebenio.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  If you can basically, yeah, step over, right? You feint with the cavalry, horses, oh, oh.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Right? They form a square because they think they're going to be charged, but then you unveil your artillery and just bomb them to shit. Checkmate.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  That's pretty good. I would have thought of that.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  That's what I mean. This is great. It's warfare that the layman, the boring layman can understand. So now essentially that's Napoleonic warfare. And why Napoleon is so brilliant is that he can read his opponent's minds and he sets traps for them, right? In this era that we're talking about, that they all fall into.

• 8:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, because it's all about force of the mistake, right? At this stage.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  It's going, I think if I do this, then you'll do that. And if you do that, then I can do this and I'll win.

• 8:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. So it is rock, paper, scissors. You're completely right.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's rock, paper, scissors.

• 8:34Speaker 02

  So yeah, but instead of doing that, it's more.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  But that's not, so hang on. So what, so.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  It's more going like, like as if you're going to do rock.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Well, so you go to punch someone in the face.

• 8:44Speaker 03

  You pretend to punch them kind of anywhere. I did the shoulder and then you go like that. And then, then you immediately call the rock, paper, scissors on, and then they will defensively.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  Is the psychology just.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Because you've already shown them a fist.

• 8:55Speaker 03

  I think it's just like they feel really threatened all of a sudden.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  It's because you've shown them a fist, so that's in their head, but it's not a rock. So they go, oh, he's, I reckon he's going to do rock.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, but rock destroys scissors, so.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  No, I think, I think it's just like, I've got, I need to get some, all I can do is.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  I need to get some, it's not, I need to get some scissors. That's something.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  As Napoleon once said, don't interrupt the enemy while they're making your mistake.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  I need to get some scissors.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Or pretend to punch someone in the face first, so they go, I need some scissors. Charlie, quick question, our listeners will be wanting to know, do you, when we say rock, paper, scissors, what game are you playing? And are actual scissors involved? And actual rocks?

• 9:31Speaker 03

  No, no, you just, you just introduce more kind of mind stuff.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Quickly, tell everyone what you had for breakfast, please.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  I had two eggs, rye bread, half a fish cake and a whole pack of broccoli.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  And?

• 9:42Speaker 03

  Porridge and bananas.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was pretty shocking.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  All in one go, all in one go.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  A whole pack of tender stem broccoli before 9am.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Half an old fish cake.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  Fucking insane.

• 9:52Speaker 03

  So then you pour the yolk into the fish cake.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  So, but why so many different meals?

• 9:57Speaker 03

  Really hungry.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  Homeless tapas, that is.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  Are you going to eat a big lunch, do you think? We've got massive lunch coming up.

• 10:03Speaker 03

  I am, peach and ham.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Anyway, so with that in mind, Napoleon walks, marches east. Because while Britain has dominated at sea, in order to stop him on land, William Pitt the Younger, Prime Minister, has been financing coalitions of nations to stop him in Europe.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  He's Gaddafi-ing it.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  He is Gaddafi-ing it. This is when the British Prime Minister is Colonel Gaddafi. Okay, William Pitt the Younger. So.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  The wheel had roads. Electricity had the grid. Innovation needs infrastructure. Plaid makes AI work in finance. Visit plaid.com/ai to learn more.

• 10:49Speaker 01

  He is financing this coalition between Austria, Russia, Sweden and a bunch of other who gives a shit states. But, so the aim is to destroy French military power through multiple front invasion. However, Napoleon is smart enough, I'll show you, I'll show all of you that he's gonna go classroom to classroom.

• 11:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Okay? He's got his AR-15, yeah? He's going, I'm gonna take out the fat, if I take out the fat kid first, then the skinny kids don't have anywhere to hide behind.

• 11:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  You know, he's clever like that.

• 11:17Speaker 02

  He doesn't get flack by geography class while he's destroying science class.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Exactly, right?

• 11:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  I'm gonna use my muffled silence of a history class first, so that no one hears me coming.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Right, anyway, so Napoleon is able to move faster than any other army because...

• 11:31Speaker 02

  He just is.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  He just, he just is actually, and were you there? No.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  No.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Cause he's just really fast.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Cause he's just quick as hell.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  He's just quick, you don't need to, it doesn't concern you.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  He's just, yeah.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  You don't need to know.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  None of your fucking business.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  Shut up, go away, stop listening.

• 11:45Speaker 02

  Cause he just is.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Cause he just is. Have you ever heard that on a history podcast?

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Napoleon was great at military tactics, cause he, he just was.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  He just is.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  He just is.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  He just is, and there's no, just shut up. Yeah, I wish Holland and Sandbrook would do that more. I just, I just was.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  They just were.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Nah, I just is.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Because they did.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Cause, cause why do you care, it's none of your business. He was just really fucking, he was really fast. No, because his army didn't have supply lines, right? And so they were foraging, as we said, it was truffle picks, as Charlie said.

• 12:19Speaker 03

  Onions.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Onions, yeah, they were picking up onions, just eating them like apples, cause they're stinky French cunts.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  Thank you, Charlie.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  And then they, they would move faster, they'd also be able to move, like the Prussians, for example, at this day and age, the Prussians are just moving in a fucking line.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  Like it's a village where someone's, something's on fire and they're passing a bucket of water down a huge line. Idiots, yeah?

• 12:38Speaker 02

  Well, you should do it like you're searching for a missing girl.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Exactly, spread out. Why is that Geordie woman in a lake? Why is her dog fine? Now, Napoleon is marching east, fast. Why is he so fast? Fuck off, he just is. Now, we get to the Ulm campaign.

• 12:56Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Oh, prostate's out, pink socket.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  I was chat to be teeing some very childish things on the train on the way in.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Like what?

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Well, best military commander of all time, best, biggest, Napoleon's best victories. I was just ranking stuff.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  And Ulm came in second.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Because this is, your generation can't understand stuff without putting in a list.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  I need a li, I need, I need Jack mate to do it.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Jack mate, right, okay, Napoleon's battles, S tier, A tier, B, right, we've gotta go, oh, Austerlitz is S tier.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  You've got it.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Austerlitz is just the S tier, isn't it? You know, Ulm, A tier, it's still good, but you know.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  Eighteen oh five, this is, Napoleon, like Messi, has multiple primes in his career.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  He does.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  His, his career built on multiple primes, but this is probably his ultimate prime. This is 2012 Messi, this is 91 goals in a calendar season.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  This is unplayable.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  Unplayable, this is probably, the prime of primes is Napoleon eighteen oh five.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Eighteen oh five to eighteen oh seven, Napoleon is unplayable.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  Okay, so Austria knows he's coming, right? So Austria makes the first move, right? They go into Bavaria, mhm, but we're in the first Reich at this point.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  Right, yes.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Now, Austria believed France is still preparing for an invasion of Britain. However, Napoleon is so fucking fast, cause he just fucking is.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  Cause he is.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  Right, that he just basically encircles them before they even fight. So he just goes all the way around.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  This is one of the great encirclements of all time, basically.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  The most successful encircle.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  He takes an entire Austrian field army out the game without...

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Killing many people at all.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Any shots fired.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  He basically just encircles an entire Austrian army that was thinking they was ages away, but he was so fast, he just fucking is fast.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Cause he is, cause he is.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Cause he is just really fast, that he impincers the Austrians, encircles them, and then just sign a treaty, and Austria are just knocked out through pure speed.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  So they haven't even picked up their weapons, they've just been sitting chilling?

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Just chess, just, literally just chess, right?

• 14:45Speaker 02

  Can we have like, is there a map of the Ulm?

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Get a map of the Ulm campaign up, right? We don't, we don't need to know if Napoleon had Heelys would that have helped?

• 14:54Speaker 02

  Wait, hold on, AI's got an answer.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Uh, no, Heelys would not have helped Napoleon. Rolling on dry, rolling on tiny plastic heel wheels across 19th century European muddy battlefields, cobbled roads and snow field Russian steppes would have dramatically, would have drastically accelerated his defeat rather than securing a victory.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  I mean, I, I tell you what, I, AI is impressing me how it always answers the question.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  It always gives.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  And it's always, no, and in my head, that's the tone. No, please leave me alone.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  Is it, apart from any geographic stuff, is it an aura issue as well?

• 15:27Speaker 02

  No, I think you could, I think if you're winning battles, I think you can make anything that might be seen lame, you can reverse it, reclaim it. Like if Napoleon was healing his way to victory, then suddenly the Heelys would be a very aura farming thing to do.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  Are you saying Heelys aren't cool?

• 15:44Speaker 02

  And I'm just saying, if he, no, if Napoleon wins Austerlitz, and then when they're doing the peace treaty, he comes, hands in his pockets, and he, he Heelys in, then it is, it's cool.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  It's sick, it's absolutely sick.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Now, if he loses it, if he's coming that when they're negotiating Waterloo, I think you lose a bit of aura there.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, we haven't, well, look, we've got so many battles, right? The listeners are pink socking themselves when they're listening to this.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  I just wanna see the arrows, I wanna see some of these arrows.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Oh, look at these arrows, get these arrows out.

• 16:11Speaker 03

  Arrow, you.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  Napoleon encircles an entire Austrian army. The other reason that he does this, right, the Austrians fuck it, in that they're waiting for their Russian allies for backup, but basically Napoleon gets into that gap to basically encircle them before the Russians get there. The reason the Russians aren't there is that they're using a different calendar. So the Russian army is 12 days behind where the Austrians think they are.

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're using the Mayan calendar.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  There's all, they use, why using the Mayan calendar? Centuries old and so far away. Austria is essentially knocked out of the coalition. He then needs to move against Russia. Now Russia, okay, as is his want, very, very coy militarily. It's always running away, going, oh no, oh don't, don't you get me?

• 16:58Speaker 02

  Frozen nether regions.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  That's what it wants. It wants you to follow it into its deep, dark, mucky hinterland. Oh no, don't chase me, right? But Napoleon, by December eighteen oh five, okay, he is looking for a decisive confrontation, a confrontation of annihilation. He wants to take Russia out of this conflict, but they're being so coy and, oh no, don't, oh, catch me.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  And what are Russia fighting Napoleon for at this point? Is it cause they're part of the Third Coalition and it's because they're trying to contain...

• 17:34Speaker 01

  Britain are paying them.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Britain are paying them and they're just trying to contain Napoleon's quest for Lieblings Realm in the east.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Basically, right? And so, this is all, this is all...

• 17:44Speaker 02

  What is French for Lieblings Realm? We have that?

• 17:48Speaker 01

  Le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, le, [S01 All the way down the email thread, "Take me off." Right.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  So what he does is he sends envoys, okay, to the Aust- I think this, but still point, there's an Austrian, some allies with the Russians, it's mainly Russians, right? He sends envoys, peace envoys, the whole time, saying, "Hey, let's come to terms, let's come to terms, it's all good, don't worry, let's chill," right? Meanwhile, he discovers this field, this terrain, outside what's now Burno in the modern day Czech Republic, okay? And near a village of Austerlitz, Prostate Czech, fellas. It's still there, it's still there, just, it's hanging on by a fucking thread, so we plough on. Napoleon, okay? And what is also great about this era of warfare is that terrain is crucial. So it's like cricket, it's like a wicket inspection.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Is today the day?

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Is this field, is there enough slopes to it?

• 19:20Speaker 02

  It dries, it got cracks and it would be good for spinballs.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  Is there a bit of a slope to it, the law, bowling up the slope, that'd be good in these conditions? So it's very, very cold, okay? We come to December the 1st, 1805, the night before the famed battle. Oh, no.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  Was that, that, why that wasn't a power cut?

• 19:37Speaker 03

  No, that was the night time.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Oh, right, I see.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Oh, I see.

• 19:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  Let's, let's set the scene.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  So this is ju- yeah, right. No, I don't think that works.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Remember, people are listening.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know if that feels that dramatic.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Ice falls upon the Prussian.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  No, you've just, you've just turned off their screen.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  Turn the lights off, right. I, I don't think, I like the creative initiative, but turning the, all the lights off.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  I don't think that adds a feeling of night time.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  At a visual podcast.

• 20:02Speaker 02

  I think people are just checking that their video feed is unbroken.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  They'll think the YouTube video is broken. Anyway, so, the night, it's night bef- it's the night before the Battle of Austerlitz. Free- freezing, yeah?

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Sorry, that was, I meant to be night. Must die birds.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Right.

• 20:19Speaker 03

  I meant to be night time birds, I'm trying to do.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Night time in the Czech Republic, Charlie, find a Czech Republic bird, right? And get a night call, yeah.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, that does not make me feel like it's night time.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Right, we've got so much to get through.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm trying to help you so hard.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, bear in mind, we must.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  This is a problem how big a breakfast, because Charlie's been at sea this series, because it's got so much history.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  We're gonna have to do 11 episodes.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  He's had no chance to have interjections.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  We're gonna have to do 11 episodes.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  And he's come in and he's determined to derail this, I could just tell.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're gonna have to, we're gonna.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  Night time in Czech Republic, in Prague.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  Let's just keep going.

• 20:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, right.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  While he's distracted, we must move.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  It's misty, okay? The birds, the Czech birds are singing, yeah? Right? Napoleon rides through the French bivouacs, cheering troops with lit torches, and they're celebrating the first anniversary of his coronation, because he's made himself emperor about a year ago.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  Is that the straightest a birthday can be, basically?

• 21:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, cheer, yeah, yeah, before you send them all to slaughter, you ride through them.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  It's hard for a straight man to celebrate his birthday, but I think.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  I genuinely, I genuinely just saw a guy, I don't know.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  But people celebrating your first anniversary of your coronate- coronation as emperor?

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  That's pretty straight.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  That is pretty straight. I just went to the beach this time.

• 21:29Speaker 03

  How old are you, 35?

• 21:30Speaker 01

  36, just turned, just turned 36.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Did I miss it?

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  I didn't say anything.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  No, because I'm straight and I just, I just get on with it.

• 21:36Speaker 03

  Well, I'd like you to tell me next time.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Birthdays are a weakness.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  They are a weakness.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  They are.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  It's the soft underbelly of the year.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  Do you know what I got? I got, I got drunk and then I, this is a 36 year old birthday for you, I got drunk, I was on holiday with the family, so, you know, there's only so much fun you can have.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  I got drunk and then about 8pm, I drunkenly subscribed to a, a new type of olive oil.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  From, uh-

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Fuck it. I don't even care anymore.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  I genuinely said, fuck it. I went, oh, fuck it. This sounds, this sounds like it'll make me live longer. Fuck it.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  Subscribed.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  You've got an olive oil subscription?

• 22:11Speaker 01

  I have got a Sardinian volcanic, polyphenol-rich olive oil subscription.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Now, what?

• 22:17Speaker 01

  From a crank doctor called Dr. Sarah.

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Called what?

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Dr. Sarah.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Dr. Sarah?

• 22:24Speaker 01

  Dr. Sarah.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  What does he look like?

• 22:26Speaker 01

  Hey?

• 22:26Speaker 02

  What does he look like?

• 22:27Speaker 01

  No, it's a woman. It's a woman who went to Cambridge.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  So her first name's Sarah? Right, right, sorry. I thought it was like Dr. Brian Sarah. That's how misogynistic I am.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, so Dr. Brian Sarah is-

• 22:37Speaker 01

  She calls herself Dr. Sarah to be more intimate in emails, even though it's clearly all, um, you know, copy and paste. But, um, I did give, because apparently, I read this article, olive oil, you know, people in the blue zones-

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Copy and paste, that's Dr. Brian Sarah.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  It's like that, it's like that riddle of the surgeon. Yeah, how's the operator's own child? It's a woman. Oh. Yeah, apparently supermarket olive oil is actually trash and doesn't, and so, but in, yeah, in blue zones, everyone lives long because they're having olive oil that's actually olive oil.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Uh, and so I-

• 23:09Speaker 02

  I can't judge, I'm the most susceptible to these things.

• 23:11Speaker 01

  I know, I know, that's what I thought. I thought you'd back me up here.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  But I've nearly always proven wrong. The fibre powder is collecting dust, even though it is just dust.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Well, that is, what do you mean? That's just more fibre powder. That's actually a good investment.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  It's an appreciating act.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  It's just growing fibre powder in your house. Um, no, but I did give a spoonful to my Cypriot neighbour, which is not a euphemism. I gave a spoonful of the olive oil.

• 23:35Speaker 02

  So he'd stop humping your leg?

• 23:37Speaker 01

  To my Cypriot neighbour, and he said, fuck me, that is good stuff.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Fucking hell.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  He went, fucking hell, that's, that's good stuff, that.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  Okay, so how much are you paying? Can you disclose how much you're paying a month?

• 23:47Speaker 01

  I think it's 60 quid a month for three bottles of olive oil, and they're quite thin bottles. But they are from, they are from a village in, maybe they're not, maybe I've been completely hoodwinked, but it does, you don't need to know. I've been having a tablespoonful of it every morning. Every morning, I have a tablespoonful of olive oil.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  It's sort of like, I think with that sort of stuff, it is sort of like the sucking of your dad in the Amsterdam glory hole story, where-

• 24:10Speaker 01

  I'm not susceptible to that.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  No, I'm saying with that sort of things, it's better you don't know.

• 24:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  So you can just enjoy sucking a random knob.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  If you don't, what you don't know can't hurt you. So the fact that you think it's from some like old Sardinian woman who's 106 years old, has all these mates, walks uphill all day.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  That, you can have that, even though it's probably made in a factory in Burton.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  It probably is. It probably is made in the Midlands.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  But you don't need to know that. I don't need to know I'm sucking my dad off.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  I'm not reading the label. I'm not reading the label. Yeah? I'm just enjoying the cock because I'm on the stag do.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Christ, we're talking about Austerlitz.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  All right? We're gonna have to do 11 episodes.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  Anyway, so, uh, Napoleon, the researcher's, the researcher's head is in her hands. I was messaging her at 10pm last night about the script, out the window, 10 minute riff on olive oil, so-

• 25:02Speaker 02

  Do you like me?

• 25:05Speaker 02

  Do you, do you think I'm a good boss? Really into you.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  Wake up, wake up. Am I do, am I all right? Are we, are we good? Midnight. Wake up, wake up. It's a boss, it's a boss. Are we good? Do you like me?

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Do you think I'm cool?

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Am I fun? Am I fun to work with? What'd you tell your mates about me?

• 25:27Speaker 01

  I see myself as more of an entertainer first and then a boss. Oh, Christ. Right.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Napoleon has finalised a trap to lure the Russians into attacking him. Because meanwhile, in the village of Austerlitz, it's a big manor house, okay? The Austrian leader and the Russian guy, they're like, we've been running away too long. We've got to fucking fight this cunt, right? So they decide they're gonna do it, yeah, they're gonna go for it. And, but Napoleon has lured him into a, a masterclass of a trap. Because he has seeded the high ground of the Pratsen Heights, yeah, which overlook this field.

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Just to explain where we're at, in like sort of bumming terms, it's that Napoleon is chasing with the knob and the Russian arse.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  Do you remember where I talked about how, how I have sex? I leave my Pratsen Heights. Yes, yeah.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  So, so Napoleon is chasing after that target of the arse with his knob.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  And then suddenly they decide, we can't be arse men forever. Cock must meet cock to see which-

• 26:27Speaker 01

  We must dock.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, so he turns around and now Austerlitz is a docking situation. Who's forces are going on towards whose?

• 26:34Speaker 01

  They think it's not, but there's a whole fucking load of other cocks coming around the back to fuck up the arse.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  So-

• 26:44Speaker 02

  And then he's stuck in the docking, he's docking and he's getting-

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, fuck, he's a nightmare. He's basically a human centipede. Napoleon's a genius, right? Why? He just was, all right? He just was. None of your business. So, stop talking about Eiffel Towering, Phoebe, right?

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Just brought up 15 times.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  Keep trying to manifest it happening. Honest to God.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  Right, so, um, now Napoleon has deliberately weakened his right flank. He's amassed his troops at the bottom of this hill, this sort of sloping field rather, okay? But he's left the right very, very, very light and because, and he's also given them the high, the high ground. But what he's done is he's hidden a lot of infantry troops in the valley below the heights. But thankfully, on the morning of the 2nd of December, there's a big mist, right? So they're even more concealed than they would have been. Now, the Russians think brilliant and they move a lot of their forces off the heights down towards the south, okay? Towards, uh, the infantry that were kind of massed towards the village of Austerlitz.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Now, they are able to hold the line because there are people from Vienna that are joining them shortly. So they're actually not as exposed as they looked like they are at the start of the battle. So beyond that map, you've got Vienna down there, which Napoleon's just taken, and he sends more forces up there. So, uh-

• 27:59Speaker 02

  At the moment, the setting up, it looks like, still kind of looks like two lines looking at each other.

• 28:03Speaker 01

  So you've got the red is the Austrian and Russian allies and the blue is Napoleon. Now you'll see the south of the map, that's his-

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Where are the hidden forces in this?

• 28:10Speaker 01

  So basically his centre, you see those double columns there, those are hidden, right, in the valley? And, uh, the, the two blue lines by that lake, that's the village, so the Russians are going-

• 28:20Speaker 02

  The small dots on the far right is his weak, fake weak flank.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  So he's going down that way, they're going down that way, and all the red squares are on the Pratsen Heights there, right? So they go down and they, they basically abandon the heights and then about 8-

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Which is the high ground, which is the-

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, about 8am, 9am, suddenly the sun pierces through the mist and this huge French infantry column charges up the heights and the Russians say, they genuinely came out of nowhere. It came out of thin blue air.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  We didn't see them before. And they storm the heights and they-

• 28:53Speaker 02

  The centre.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  Storm the centre.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  They take the high ground very quickly and then suddenly, uh, cavalry charges at the, uh, from the side. Because, uh, to refer to myself earlier, to footnote myself.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  To quote myself.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  To quote myself again, because, um, cavalry is most effective against an infantry that is not prepared for it.

• 29:16Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  It's an absolute bloodbath. Not only that, okay, I'll fast forward a bunch of it.

• 29:22Speaker 02

  It's punching someone in the stomach before they've tensed.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Yes, it is, right? Then the Allied army is split in two. His signature move, he busts a pussy open, right? That's Napoleon's signature move.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  Cavalry upon the shoulder.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Don't let her have time to form a defensive square, yeah? Cavalry upon shoulder.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  Because then the, then it's all a complete bloodbath, the Russians realise they've been tricked. They start fleeing and then Napoleon takes the covers off his artillery, right? I'm breaking up. I'm so hard right now. And the artillery start fucking firing at them as the, as the Russians are running across what they now realise is a frozen lake.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  So they're basically on, well, they're on ice.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  And it's probably the best scene in Ridley Scott's Napoleon, I think.

• 30:10Speaker 01

  Easily the best scene. Cannonballs are shattering into the ice and horses and Russian men are just tumbling into the ice, drowning. Cannonballs are smashing horses to shit.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:20Speaker 01

  It's an absolute bloodbath. It is a rout. And by the end of the day, Napoleon has pulled off one of the ultimate tactical masterclasses in warfare history.

• 30:30Speaker 02

  Did he have less troops?

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Way less troops, yeah, completely outnumbered. And he deliberately, it's a bit like someone playing a, uh, left-footed right-back.

• 30:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  And like trying to get you to attack down that side.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  So that you can then go behind them.

• 30:46Speaker 02

  Right, right, right.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  By overloading that way. Maybe? I don't know.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  Now, that, that tracks.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  So Napoleon wins?

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Yes, Napoleon wins.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  That was real audio from Napoleon's

• 31:02Speaker 01

  bivouac after the victory of Austerlitz.

• 31:07Speaker 00

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• 31:37Speaker 01

  And so the lakes, the Sachan and Munnetts ponds, when the ice broke and the lakes were drained.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  It's nice to break the ice.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, not in this case, they found about 150 dead horses.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  And only two or three human bodies. Because Napoleon had yet again claimed that thousands of men and their horses had drowned when the ice broke.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  This is like one of your icebreakers in conversation.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  This is my icebreaker.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, 150 horses died.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Hello, nice to meet you. So how much do you know about Austerlitz? Because I know everything, I'm going to talk to you about it now.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  It's like one of my citizens, right? Artillery, cavalry.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So, French forces capture everything. The coalition army collapses straight away. This victory essentially spells the end for Pitt the Younger. He has to resign because the coalition. Yeah, he resigns now because the coalition collapses.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  I thought you'd done such a good job.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  No, well, he, well, he come, did he come back or is this his second time? This is his second term. No, no, he dies shortly after this. He dies in 1806.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  Sadness.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  No, he was, he had gout, I think.

• 32:36Speaker 02

  No.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  Oh, he dies in office.

• 32:38Speaker 02

  Dies in office.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Fair enough, okay, I was wrong.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Do you believe that you could die of a broken heart? Do you think that is when people die immediately after their partner?

• 32:45Speaker 02

  I think that's what happened at Austerlitz. Just coincidentally, it wasn't actually, people think it was the.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Cannons and stuff.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was actually spontaneous.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Sorry, I should have said there's artillery, infantry, cavalry, and then there's just broken hearts. And if you can make people really sad, that's another weapon in your arsenal.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  And we don't know if they died from the cold or the broken heart.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  But William Pitt the Younger used to, he had gout, but to cure it, he used to drink port, which is, I think that's the opposite of the cure.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  That's what Sandro's did. Sandro, a friend of the pod.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Trying to out drink port, gout.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  What I drink in a day.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  He obviously, well, he takes his gout tablets.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  And there's a lot of very funny comments of, you know, in Game of Thrones where Jon Snow's up against all those horses and he's just holding it. That's one of his gout tablets up against 50 pints.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Completely outnumbered.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  He died from a severe peptic ulcer.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  Which, and the physical toll of leading Britain through the Napoleonic Wars and heavy pork, heavy pork consumption. So after Austerlitz, Napoleon has won an insane victory. Austria shattered, Russia retreats eastwards. And so, and this also, shockingly, is the end of the Holy Roman Empire. The first Reich crumbles.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, it sort of goes out with a whimper because it's like, it was, it was sort of always made up.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Yes, it was all bull.

• 33:59Speaker 02

  And now it's like, it's sort of like the Amtrun production. It's like, what is this even?

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, what is this?

• 34:04Speaker 02

  What are we doing?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. In 1806, okay, while this is happening, while he's cooking in Central Europe, Napoleon is also desperate to have a child. Because, to return to his personal life, his sort of, what would you say? His charcoal-mouthed MILF of a wife had a kid already with someone else, but is a bit over the hill. Two kids, but it's over the hill, to put it right. So he is desperate to have an heir because he's emperor and he realizes he's essentially a king. After all that with the revolution, they've just got a king again. So he becomes determined to prove that it's not his fault, it's Josephine's. So as Henry VIII did, he sleeps with an 18-year-old virgin.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  You got her.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  A woo named Eleanor. And then quite quickly Eleanor gives birth to a son called Leon. So he was right, it's Josephine's fault. So Napoleon is ecstatic because it's, his sperm works.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  So it's not his fault. Now, we get to the continental system.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  Right, ladies, what are you still doing in here?

• 35:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  You shouldn't be looking right behind this curtain.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  Now, Napoleon cannot defeat Britain. We've established that. Because Nelson's 9/11, Dimitrov Haga, right? So he thinks, well, the only way we can stop these coalitions keep popping up. It's like whack a mole. From Napoleon's perspective, it's whack a mole. So he goes, we've got to, we've got to stop, we've got to bankrupt Britain so that they can't bankroll the rest of Europe.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  Because they've got the navy and their trade is their big two strengths, Britain.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  He calls them a nation of shopkeepers famously, because this is like, the birth of modern retail is sort of happening in London around this time. Well, the Regent's here, like Oxford Street, everything like that.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  Really?

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, polite and commercial people is what was the kind of England's view of itself.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  But also I, I think a nation of shopkeepers is actually sort of like a, you know, it's more the passive aggressive.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, he's slagging it, slagging it off.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  Well, I feel that.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  He's basically saying that.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  But I think he's got us down to a T.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's basically saying that you guys aren't warriors or a great.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Can I help you? Are you looking for something in particular? Can I help you? That, that guy, that's, that's us, isn't it?

• 36:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Tickets please.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Because we're not having any war on our land, we're just selling stuff on Oxford Street. It's just J D sports and stuff.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, so he, his aim is to cripple Britain economically by banning European trade with it. So he basically orders all his allies and his defeated opponents to stop trading with Britain. Most people do, however, smuggling goes through the roof.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  But there is one country that refuses to join Napoleon's continental system, which is essentially like the EU.

• 36:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  And that's.

• 36:48Speaker 02

  Telegraph article.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  Telegraph article. The EU is Napoleon's continental system in disguise. That is Britain's oldest ally, in fact, the oldest alliance in the world.

• 36:59Speaker 02

  Ever.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Ever.

• 37:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, since the 1200s, I believe.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Our old friends.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  1300s.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Portugal.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Our old, our very old friend.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Very, the oldest friends. There are no two older friends in the world than Britain and Portugal. In the world, our best friends in the world.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's funny because I guess we're both Atlantic powers that have been on the edge of Europe, so I guess.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Just sort of looking in, don't really feel like we're part of it.

• 37:22Speaker 02

  But then we connect over that.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, because we're like, I'm like, we're looking at France, that's not me. And they're like, and they're looking at Spain like, well, that's not me.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  We like fish, yeah, we eat fish and it's windy.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  Fish and chips, bit windy.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  Okay, let's go on.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  We've got sleepy, smelly neighbours. You know, we get on.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  So the Anglo-Portuguese alliance has ended back to the 14th century, but Portugal carried on trading with British merchants. So in 1807, right, this is Napoleon's in his pomp. He's also, just because people will be hamachling, he's defeated the Prussians at Jena and Austerlitz in a day. But we can't get into that, given how long it took us to get through Austerlitz.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  The continental system is his only real attempt, the only thing he can really do to defeat Britain. And to maintain it is where his downfall will come from, basically, because it's such a hard thing to maintain.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  Because any, if anyone breaks it, he then has to march hundreds of thousands of people to beat the shit out of them.

• 38:14Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  So like Portugal, fuck it, fuck it, and then Russia, then he has to go back and forth to bollock anyone who falls out of line.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  French troops under General Jean Jean Andos Junot, who is a, one of the maddest cunts alive at the time.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  How so?

• 38:33Speaker 01

  Junot is one of his closest friends, one of his most trusted generals. He ends up suffering severe mental decline because of head wounds, alcoholism and an opium addiction. He's a governor in Napoleonic Italy and he greets guests at a big ball, wearing only a hat, gloves and his medals.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  When you say only.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Wow, okay, fair enough.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:56Speaker 02

  So todger out.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  And at this day and age, it's a bit, that's a bit much at this day and age.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  He's got his artillery out.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  He meets his, he will meet his end in 18, I think 13, when he, he gets really drunk and he self-defenestrates.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  Really?

• 39:10Speaker 01

  And then he breaks both his legs and then he thinks, well, I need to amputate these.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  And he's still just wearing a hat and a medal.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then he just has a go at amputating them and then he dies of septicism like a, like a week later.

• 39:19Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  It's one of the, it's one of the best ends, actually. It's Franz Reichel, but he lives and then he tries to amputate himself and he fucks that and he dies from infection.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a lot of male confidence there that's gone into all of that.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  He mutilated himself with scissors when left alone.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:33Speaker 01

  Dies days later, 1813. Say his name, friend of the pod, Junot.

• 39:37Speaker 02

  Charlie Reed didn't like that. Charlie Reed didn't like that, he looked very serious.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  That's one of the, that's, that's the sort of second or third appearance for the concept of self-defenestration. So in 1807, long before he self-defenestrates, Junot invades Portugal, okay? Now, as French troops enter Lisbon, the entire Portuguese civil service and court, they just all get on the ship and fuck off to Brazil, right?

• 40:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  They're Hitlering it in Brazil before the war's even started.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Is their India, is their main colony, yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  So they all go and have a lovely time on the beach.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Well, Brazil actually, Brazil and Portugal's relationship is similar to like the United States and Britain. Sort of like a big colony in the new world that eventually becomes a bigger power.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Than its original.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  The bums are bigger.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. So Junot ends up capturing Lisbon without having to fight anyone in November 1807. However, what Napoleon is not bargaining for is another British fucking hero.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Right.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  Sir Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington. Say his name, friend of the pod, okay? Now, Wellington is, I, I, I think I prefer Wellington to Nelson.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  Because I relate more to Wellington.

• 40:47Speaker 02

  Right.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  Than Nelson. Because I, I think Nelson is such an outlier in, in world history.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Okay, go on.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Because of his bravery and his kind of suicidal bravery.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, his Jack Arcean bravery.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  He's a Jack Arcean figure. Wellington is not a Jack Arcean figure.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  No.

• 41:04Speaker 01

  Wellington is essentially Monty before Monty.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:07Speaker 01

  Wellington is probably the, probably the most successful.

• 41:12Speaker 02

  A lot of the great British land generals, it's just stubbornness above all else.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  But also.

• 41:16Speaker 02

  It's not guile, it's just stubborn.

• 41:18Speaker 01

  Wellington is perhaps the snobbiest man that's ever lived. Right? He is born into aristocracy, part of him's Irish, which he hates. He hates the sound of his own soldiers' accents.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  He calls his own troops, quote, "the scum of the earth."

• 41:38Speaker 01

  Right, so when you're thinking about like motivating men-

• 41:41Speaker 02

  Napoleon being like made from the mental health thing and like him sitting down- He's the opposite of Napoleon, sitting around the fire and like, you know-

• 41:46Speaker 01

  He would, he would, he would basically, he would demand silver service and have private, private French chefs while his, like, his sort of scummy troops were eating rations-

• 41:55Speaker 02

  And the scum of the earth though, aren't they?

• 41:57Speaker 01

  And then they'd be like, "Oh, so Arthur, what are we doing today?" And he'd be like, "Fuck it, L, your accent, Christ, learn to talk, man."

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Right, he was arrogant, he was prejudiced, and he believed in the ancient regime. So he hates the French because of the revolution-

• 42:11Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 42:12Speaker 01

  Right, so he's a staunch monarchist.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  This is a conservative man, to put it lightly.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  This is an arch-conservative man. This is one of the few times that we use the phrase "arch-conservative."

• 42:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  You don't really get those anymore.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  So he arches his back during sex?

• 42:26Speaker 01

  No, yeah. He is someone who is staunchly defending the idea of limiting suffrage to the wealthy elite. So he's like, "No, no, voting rights, absolutely not. That's a fire sale."

• 42:39Speaker 02

  This is like conservatives against female suffrage, arch-conservatives against people with bad accents having a vote.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  That's real.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Only posh blokes. That's the conservatism that I aspire to. I think it's astonishing, I think it's awesome, you know, builders come around-

• 42:53Speaker 02

  Lords members voters only, basically.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, MCC members, they have the vote, that's it. I mean, that's insane, you know? People are like, you're worrying about, "Oh, I've got a build around, should I lower my accent to make a cup of tea?" I'm saying, "I don't think you should vote, mate."

• 43:06Speaker 02

  I think you're scum of the earth.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  I think you're scum of the earth, but I'm gonna employ you anyway.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  Scum of the earth.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Officers at the time could pay for a higher rank, and he thinks, he, he, he's allergic to meritocracy.

• 43:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  So he thinks that that should just continue.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  Right.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  Well, I pay for it, so I should be it.

• 43:22Speaker 02

  Right, okay.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  He had made his name fighting against the Maratha-

• 43:26Speaker 02

  He's a, he's a true believer in spawn-mogging as a concept.

• 43:29Speaker 01

  Yes, he is. Did we talk about that on the Patreon?

• 43:32Speaker 02

  We might have, which is-

• 43:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, just refresh us with our spawn-mogging.

• 43:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, Clavicular, who obviously popularised the idea of mugging, and believes you can muck in many different ways. My favourite mog is the spawn mog, which is when he's talked about people growing up with either white privilege, middle-class privilege, growing up with wealth or anything. It's actually, you should view it as basically you got spawn-mogged. Don't be jealous because you got spawn-mogged. That's just the way the game is.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  It's just spawning. You're just born in a bad place.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  You got, yeah.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  You know?

• 43:58Speaker 02

  It's just, it's such a great idea, because it's just, I like the idea of just, "Oh, fuck."

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  "Oh, shit."

• 44:04Speaker 01

  You look at your mum, "Oh, fuck it all."

• 44:05Speaker 02

  Fuck's sake.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  Single mum in fucking Scunthorpe, right, being spawn-mogged again. It's like in a video game where you just spawn and you're just like embedded in a wall, and you're all like that, and you're like, "I can't even kill myself to respawn again."

• 44:20Speaker 01

  So Wellington had made his name fighting against the Marathas in India-

• 44:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  In the late 18th century.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  Did he win the Battle of Plassey, which is like the big battle of that whole campaign? We can't go into it.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  This is in the, the Battle of Asay, Asay, in 1803, outnumbered five to one, but he launches an audacious attack across a river that he didn't actually know existed until he crossed it. He just guessed from the layout of the villages, and he shatters the Maratha forces, conclusively winning the conflict. Anyway, so Wellington invades Portugal in 1808, in August 1808. He defeats the French twice. That is the first time that the British army had beaten Napoleon on land. And yet, he is betrayed by a meddling bureaucracy in that there are these two superiors called, what are they called?

• 45:16Speaker 01

  Burrard and Dalrymple.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  So these are like even more snobby than Wellington because they're above him.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, right. So they don't even think that-

• 45:26Speaker 02

  So everyone's looking down their nose at their inferiors.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  And Wellington's got a massive nose.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's the whole British army, it's just everyone's looking down their nose.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  It's just, it gets, it gets, the glasses get further down the nose as you go up the ranks. So the, the general of the army is just lying down like that. It's my dad looking at an iPhone.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  That's Field Marshal in charge of the army.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  So Wellington had defeated, whatever his name was, the madcap, in, at Vimiero in August, but these two commanders, right? They say, "Okay, we're gonna sign the Convention of Sintra," which were, which is rather than going on and routing the forces and actually wiping, getting them out of the Iberian Peninsula. For some reason, I don't understand this armistice at all, we're gonna let the French take all their weapons and all the loot they've plundered, and we're gonna escort them on Royal Navy ships back to France.

• 46:21Speaker 02

  But does that mean they leave Portugal though?

• 46:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  Right.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  But then they don't, they come back in a year.

• 46:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Because obviously they do, because they've got all their guns.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  So this is like, this is cricket in an age of annihilation.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  Right, Burrard and Dalrymple didn't wanna fight, basically.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  No, they, they were cowardly, whereas Wellington's like, "Let's fuck 'em up, I can do this." Because he's the only one that's just, knows he can beat them on land, because, and we'll get into his tactics later in the series-

• 46:43Speaker 02

  He's an arrogant man as well.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  He's a very arrogant man, but he's, he's right to be. He was born in the right, he was spawn-mogging people, you know? So, um, this is-

• 46:51Speaker 02

  He's spawn-mogged Napoleon, and now he's, he's pretty livid about that as well.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  So, uh, this means that the French evacuate Portugal on British ships, and the, the government at home are absolutely outraged. They go, "What the fuck are you doing? This is crazy." So Wellington is withdrawn from command, because 21,000 French troops are evacuated back to France, and there's an official inquiry, right, going on. Meanwhile, he is, so he is to go back to England to defend himself. Meanwhile-

• 47:18Speaker 02

  Why? Because he broke the-

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Because there's an outrage in the government about, about this convention, because it was his forces, even though he was superseded by these two guys with the nose and everything.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  Right.

• 47:27Speaker 01

  So meanwhile-

• 47:28Speaker 02

  It's funny, we do love an inquiry, even at this stage, it's still-

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Get an inquiry going. Take our main general out to the front line, ask him some questions, okay?

• 47:36Speaker 02

  This isn't happening with other, other countries. There's not always inquiries-

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Napoleon's not getting bogged down in inquiries.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  Inquiries mid-war.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. Can we just pause the fighting to work out what's going on here and who's responsible?

• 47:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  So meanwhile, in Spain, Spain had been France's ally, okay? However, uh, the French start to, the French occupy it in-

• 47:57Speaker 02

  Because France allied during Trafalgar, right?

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Yes, they had been. The French, I don't know when the French occupy it, but they start fighting the Spanish, and this is what, this becomes the Peninsula War. They basically, at some point, Napoleon replaces-

• 48:14Speaker 02

  Napoleon treats as if it's territory and that he's-

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, and at some point he replaces the king with his brother, Joseph.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, which is nepotism, I'd say.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  You'd think so, yeah, you'd think that. Uh, and so he triggers this massive rebellion, uh, which is where we are introduced to guerrillas.

• 48:32Speaker 02

  Yes, to know that.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  This is the start of guerrillas.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:34Speaker 01

  Spain did not fight Napoleon, well, they did fight it on armies, but also they introduced the, not guerrillas, not Harambe, Charlie.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  I play for a football team called Harambe.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  So Spain, Spain have these farmers, priests, shepherds, former soldiers, who are just sort of roving the Spanish countryside in bands, and they ambush messages, they murder isolated troops-

• 49:02Speaker 02

  And this is a lot sharp, which we'll be talking about on the Patreon, there's a lot of this.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  "Nor the hill and far away, King George commands and we obey, through Flanders, Portugal and Spain." Sorry, you hit my sharp button.

• 49:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, sorry.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  I'm rock hard.

• 49:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  That's why I've had to wear my gun-to-forward cord suit.

• 49:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  We'll be talking about Sharp on the Patreon. Sharp is set during the Peninsula War, right? So, "A French officer lamented, 'Every bush conceals an enemy.'" I know, I know, I know what you mean, brother.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  There were growlers lurking in those bushes.

• 49:46Speaker 02

  That's a sexually repressed man. That's a man who's not honest about his sexuality, for sure.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Vagina's the enemy.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  You just don't know what's going on in there.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like two soldiers meeting in the dark, with a code word. Penis, penis, phew.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  Now, the Spanish guerrillas are particularly brutal, so they have pretty creative methods of execution.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  Right. Well, they're surrealists, aren't they?

• 50:11Speaker 01

  They are, well, yes, this is the long road to Dalí, being like, "Ooh, random."

• 50:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  So in 1808, a French general and his staff are captured, stripped naked, and then dropped into vats of boiling oil.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess that's less, less surreal.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Other French guys get sawn in half between two planks of wood and buried up to their necks in dirt near anthills, right? Spanish guerrilla, they fight nasty, Spanish, right, dirty. There are also reports of corpse puppetry, puppetry of the corpse.

• 50:40Speaker 02

  A fan of corpse puppetry.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  I am a fan of corpse puppetry. In fact, I'll go as far as to say it's the only puppetry I would pay to watch. The Edinburgh Fringe would be a much more amenable experience if corpse puppetry.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  Well, if clowns were killed and used as corpse puppetry.

• 50:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, if we use, I would like to kill clowns and you move them as puppets, right? So they decorated road sides with mutilated bodies to scare the locals, right? That's what the French did.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  Well, good bother.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  So what the guerrillas do is they captured a French sentry, strangle him, rigged his corpse up against a wall with his musket propped in his arms, and then a French patrol see it and then spent 10 minutes shooting the dead guy.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  Pretty awesome.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  Which gives away their position, which means the Spaniards can ambush them.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Do you see what I mean? Rock, paper, scissors and Napoleonic warfare. Basically, it's back, France are having a bad time.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  Spanish ulcer sort of stuff.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  This is where we get the phrase Spanish ulcer. So Napoleon in 1808, he personally intervenes and invades Spain with 200,000 troops, 12 trained troops.

• 51:41Speaker 02

  What is impressive about Napoleon is that every, his, yeah, this is the constant point that tactically a genius strategically kind of stupid in many ways. He keeps making mistakes on the grand scale, but the way that whenever he comes in to clean up his own mess, if it's on the battlefield, he does just manage to win.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  He cleans it up.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  He always does.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Even when it's like, he's fucked it so many times, as soon as it's on the battlefield, he can still pull it off.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Which is why I think he doesn't know when to stop.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Which is, because we're, we're kind of.

• 52:11Speaker 02

  It's like Charlie eating breakfast.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  It is. Stop before you get to the fish cake. That would be my.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  I'd say boiling a whole bag of broccoli.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  Tender stem.

• 52:20Speaker 01

  Basically, there's a big disaster, a place called Ballen, which we don't have time to go into, but that enrages Napoleon. He then smashes Spanish armies and he enters Madrid in triumph. Now, this is where, so meanwhile, Wellington's back doing an inquiry in Britain, in London. Of course, you have to have an inquiry. Okay. So there's then.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  With even snootier people who are up in.

• 52:40Speaker 01

  No, they're actually bent all the way back. Their head is going through their ass with their glasses on their chin, being like, why did you do that? So, Sir John Moore, who I think may be the same John Moore, who holds the record for the amount of rounds per minute fired from a musket, which is five. Because if you, I mean, you watched Sharp last night, right?

• 53:02Speaker 02

  Takes a while.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  So he marches 30,000 troops out of Portugal, which Britain controls at this point, into Spain to try and link up the Spanish armies and strike the French. But he gets confronted by Napoleon and his huge army. So he realizes they're going to be, they're going to be swallowed. So what, I didn't realize this, what happens now is essentially like Dunkirk on steroids. He has, on Christmas Day, right? He starts a 250 mile retreat through the Galician desert in freezing conditions to get to the port of Corunya, where the British Navy are meant to pick him up. So this retreat is sort of legendary in red coat tales because discipline completely deteriorates, soldiers are looting, drinking wine, abandoning equipment. Somehow Moore keeps the force moving.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  Right.

• 53:49Speaker 01

  Right?

• 53:49Speaker 02

  This is a rabble.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  It is, it is. They eventually get to Corunya. However, the winds are bad and so the ships aren't there. So they, basically the French catch up with them and they then build, you know, a big redoubt.

• 54:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:04Speaker 01

  Gentlemen, prostate check.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  Yeah. Roach drift.

• 54:07Speaker 01

  Yes, this is, this is all Roach drift stuff. They fight off the French at Corunya long enough to evacuate by sea, but the battle is so intense that while he's fighting, Sir John Moore gets a French cannonball that basically rips open his chest cavity and exposing his lungs. So he's basically, his whole chest is open, his lungs are there, and then he calmly looks down and then says, I hope the people of England will be satisfied.

• 54:36Speaker 01

  Absolute hero. He remains conscious, doctors are asking you to help him. He's going, no, I'll, I'll see this one off, I reckon. Yeah. I think I know what's wrong with me actually. I don't think I need to see you. No. As he was carried away, his sword hilt becomes entangled in his entrails. Narnia. He died in excruciating death.

• 54:55Speaker 02

  That's a man who's pretending he's okay. If he's just still got his sword hilt even around his entrails.

• 54:59Speaker 01

  I don't think, I don't think there's ever been a man that's more toxically refusing help with his own health. He calmly insists you keep the sword hilt.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  No, it's okay.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  Sword hilt, keep that entangled in my entrails. No, keep it there. Getting rid of it's going to cause me more pain.

• 55:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  He dies probably the worst.

• 55:14Speaker 02

  It's going to hurt you doing it more than it'll hurt me.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  I'm fine actually. No, no, no, no. Leave me be. I'll be fine. I'll work this out. So, Sir John Moore, his chest is blown, his chest blown out.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Got his chest blown out.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Got his chest blown out. But the British, the British Expeditionary Force.

• 55:33Speaker 02

  The BEF.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  The BEF, genuinely, it's the same, it's that same story. They get back to land and that's 6,000 troops that, you know, we have fuck all at this point because really it's in the Peninsula War that the British Army actually get good.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  Because Sir Arthur Wellesley, right? Who is not yet the Duke of Wellington, returns from the inquiry, having been exonerated.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  And is there ever a more powerful British man than a man who's just been exonerated at an inquiry?

• 56:00Speaker 01

  You should fear the man, the British man, whose name has been cleared by an inquiry. My God. What he will do to Napoleon's forces in the Iberian Peninsula with all the power of exoneration, you know? Because he, you know, you're.

• 56:14Speaker 02

  Because he knows deep in his soul, an inquiry has exonerated him. There's no greater sense of confidence.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  It's like when you've just done a, a speed awareness course. You're like, right, I'm not getting caught speeding. And you go, fuck it. I'm not getting caught, I'm not getting caught again. I've been exonerated. I know exactly how to drive now. So Wellington, we leave him in Portugal. Now, we will, we will return to the Iberian Peninsula because this war drags on for a long time, but before we do, we must head east because Napoleon is at arguably the height of his powers.

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Operation Baguette Rossa.

• 56:54Speaker 01

  God, I just can't end the episode on that. Baguette Rossa. Baguette Rossa. Fuck.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  Bumfirk.

• 57:01Speaker 01

  Bum, bumfirk. It's a real bumfirk moment. Operation Baguette Rossa. Napoleon will invade Russia and the, the tide will begin to turn.

• 57:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:17Speaker 01

  Now, that episode is already on our Patreon, along with the entirety of this Napoleonic War series, where we return to Wellington, Waterloo, all the good stuff. Three pounds a month. You know how to sign up.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  Sorry.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  What was that? Was that the fish cake coming back up?

• 57:33Speaker 02

  What was that?

• 57:33Speaker 03

  That was groan, man groan.

• 57:35Speaker 01

  Oh, that wasn't you?

• 57:36Speaker 03

  No.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  Oh, I thought that was you. Right. So thanks, that's been Austerlitz and this is Iberian Wars. We'll see you next time for the continuation of our epic series. Goodbye for now.

• 57:50Speaker 02

  Goodbye.