Pod Insights Fin vs History Not All Roman Emperors Are Visible | Claudius (Part 1) About this episode Nobody Suspects The Disabled Emperor!
Claudius (Part One)
The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.
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Chapters:
00:00 - Lights Out, Night Night
04:35 - Iraqus
10:44 - The First Phrenology
15:05 - Fuckus!
18:56 - He’s Clapped
22:36 - Grow Up!
29:39 - Eamonn Holmes
33:41 - Stephen Hornkins
37:14 - Ben Dover
46:13 - Woofus
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Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.
0:41 Speaker 01 Welcome back to Fin vs History. Joining me is Horatio Gould. I'm the Emperor. Today, we're talking about Claudius. We're back in ancient Rome. These have been some of my favourite episodes.
0:52 Speaker 02 Yes. This is, we're going back to the ancient world, but these are very much the lily pads in which you feel safe, right?
0:57 Speaker 01 I love the Roman emperors.
0:58 Speaker 02 It's the only place that you feel you can, it's the, it's the wall of the ice rink which you can hold on to in the ancient world.
1:05 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:05 Speaker 02 It's the only place where I get to explore the ancient world where you're not half asleep or purposely nosediving the podcast.
1:13 Speaker 01 I don't think that's fair. I think, I think I found, I found a prehistoric statue of a guy doing a Hitler salute.
1:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's true.
1:20 Speaker 01 That really fired me up. That got me through that episode.
1:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, you're very, very much so.
1:23 Speaker 01 We're talking about Claudius today.
1:25 Speaker 02 And we're also, sorry, we're dressed as the sofa today.
1:27 Speaker 01 We are dressed as the sofa. And I, before anyone comments, I'm aware that there will be a lot of gunt on show in this episode.
1:33 Speaker 02 You're a gun buncher.
1:34 Speaker 01 My gunt is bunching in this suit. There's a lot of material in it. I'm essentially dressed as a Court Roy Curtain and I apologise to any ladies watching, but my gunt is punched.
1:43 Speaker 02 Yeah. But it sort of looks like we're like, kind of hitmen who are trying to hide.
1:51 Speaker 01 In the sofa.
1:52 Speaker 02 In the sofa. We're trying to, we're dressed up as one of the cushions. I mean, I'm dressed as the sofa cushion, you're dressed as the wall.
1:59 Speaker 01 We're assassins at a Nigerian wedding.
2:02 Speaker 01 We're going, what are they wearing? We're gonna have to dress as they do. Yes, I do, for anyone looking, I've got a lot of room in the fooper. My pussy area is not as fat as it looks in this suit. But we digress, we need to talk about Claudius. Okay, so we have, previously, we've talked about Nero, who is the emperor after Claudius, and we've talked about Caligula. Probably our wildest episode, I'd say, was Caligula. And this, sort of, this episode will be a kind of sequel. It will be, you know, where are we?
2:33 Speaker 02 Well, this is, so this is the emperor, Claudius is between Caligula and Nero. It betwixt the mad cunts, basically.
2:39 Speaker 01 Yes, Caligula and Nero are bywords for tyranny. And, but Claudius is kind of the hipster's choice.
2:45 Speaker 02 I think so. He's my favourite emperor we've looked at so far. I think it's a very interesting story. It doesn't follow the normal narratives, because a lot of Roman emperors, they're either like chads.
2:55 Speaker 01 Yes.
2:56 Speaker 02 Or they're just mental.
2:58 Speaker 01 Yes.
2:58 Speaker 02 With no real light and shade, it's just, I marry my whore, it's just a zany fucking-
3:02 Speaker 01 Well, I'll fuck you then.
3:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, I fucked everyone's wives, I burned it all down. There's not really any sort of nuance there. It's just full throttle, I'm mental. But Claudius has a lot, his whole life story is very, it's kind of the most interesting character.
3:16 Speaker 01 It's a very unique story, actually.
3:17 Speaker 02 I'd say so.
3:18 Speaker 01 Of any ruler, really. But we ended the last episode with Caligula. Now, Caligula had been a promising early leader. He'd been raised on Tiberius, who was Epstein, Epsteinius.
3:30 Speaker 02 Yes.
3:31 Speaker 01 Epstein's Island.
3:32 Speaker 02 So it's not been a great, yeah, the track record so far for Epstein.
3:35 Speaker 01 No, it goes Blair, paedophile, mad cunt.
3:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:39 Speaker 01 Claudius, mad cunt.
3:40 Speaker 02 Yes.
3:41 Speaker 01 That's, and we're, and Caligula had been assassinated by his Praetorian guard. He'd been a promising ruler, but then he'd had a stroke and he'd, the stroke had pushed down on the paedophile bit of his brain. And the foreign accent syndrome.
3:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:53 Speaker 01 So he'd gone to sleep a Caligula, he'd woken up a Kaurigara.
3:56 Speaker 02 Yes, yes.
3:57 Speaker 01 He was then assassinated by his Praetorian guard.
3:59 Speaker 02 Because he was fast bowling babies against the wall, was he not?
4:03 Speaker 01 No, they then took his baby and they Cambodian cricketed it into a wall.
4:07 Speaker 02 Sorry.
4:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, so, yeah, it's the long road to Pol Pot.
4:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:11 Speaker 01 Bowling babies against trees in Cambodia. They took Caligula's son, they killed his wife and they take his son and they play, squash with it, I think, was the, was what the term you used. They trucked his little baby, lights out, night night. But hiding behind the curtain. In the corridor where Caligula was assassinated.
4:31 Speaker 02 Quivering.
4:31 Speaker 01 Quivering, drooling. Was a disabled man with tourette's who would go on to inherit the Roman Empire against all the odds.
4:42 Speaker 01 But who is this man?
4:43 Speaker 02 How did we end up?
4:44 Speaker 01 How did we get here?
4:47 Speaker 01 You're probably wondering, you're probably wondering how I got here. That's how Claudius would say. So Claudius is discovered quivering underneath the curtain.
4:58 Speaker 02 A coward.
4:59 Speaker 01 A coward.
5:00 Speaker 02 I love, and I love a coward. Historically, there's something brilliant. Heroes write most of history.
5:05 Speaker 01 True.
5:06 Speaker 02 But it's nice when you see a true quivering coward. There's something inherently funny about someone who's truly cowardly.
5:12 Speaker 01 Yes. And that he then goes on to become emperor in a, in a world of, you know. Chads. I mean, as, as you.
5:21 Speaker 02 It's not a very woke time.
5:22 Speaker 01 As you've said, part of the reason I like the Roman emperors is incredibly binary.
5:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:27 Speaker 01 Masculine.
5:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:28 Speaker 01 Fascistic time.
5:29 Speaker 02 Yes.
5:30 Speaker 01 Men with big chins.
5:31 Speaker 02 Yep.
5:32 Speaker 01 And broad chests chucking babies against walls.
5:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, it could be like, it's far from woke as you can sort of get the Roman era. There's none of, the idea of social justice is just so far. It's about how many barbarians have you suppressed.
5:46 Speaker 01 Yes.
5:46 Speaker 02 You know, any form of weakness is seen as, as weakness.
5:49 Speaker 01 I tell you what is quite woke is that only the Praetorian guards are allowed to have a sword in the, in the city of Rome.
5:54 Speaker 02 Yes.
5:54 Speaker 01 That's quite woke.
5:55 Speaker 02 Sure.
5:56 Speaker 01 That's like in America, I go, I can't, well, you mean, I can't take them to school?
5:59 Speaker 02 That's red tape for sure.
6:01 Speaker 01 It definitely is, you know, they don't have an open carry policy in Rome.
6:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:05 Speaker 01 So again, let's just refresh the Roman emperor timeline. Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon at some point, then Augustus, Blair, the Titan. He is the sort of, he becomes a god. He adopts an old man, Tiberius, who then becomes a paedophile.
6:23 Speaker 02 Epstein.
6:23 Speaker 01 On an island in Capri. Now, living on, growing up on this island is, is Caligula.
6:31 Speaker 01 When Caligula is assassinated, Claudius is discovered behind the curtain quivering. Now, he is born Claudius on August the 1st, 10 B.C. And like any Roman emperor or Brazilian footballer, he has too many names. And they're also all the names of other people in this story. So I'm not actually going to say what his name is because it's just going to confuse us.
6:49 Speaker 02 You all have each other's names.
6:50 Speaker 01 It's going to be two.
6:50 Speaker 02 I'll be Horatio called Charlie Milner Finn Taylor. That'd be my name.
6:54 Speaker 01 Horatio. It's too much. Anyway, so he's born in modern day Leon Lugdunum. And he is the first emperor to be born outside of Italy. Now, his, he's blue blood in terms of Roman stock.
7:07 Speaker 02 Yes.
7:07 Speaker 01 His, he, the Julio Claudian line.
7:10 Speaker 02 Which is very important.
7:11 Speaker 01 Ladies.
7:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:12 Speaker 01 How many times must I warn you? You're not welcome here.
7:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:18 Speaker 01 Okay, wear two pairs of pants if you're tuning in.
7:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:21 Speaker 01 We're discussing the Julio Claudian line. His father is Nero Claudius Druusus. That, his parents, Olivia Druusilla, who is married to Augustus. And Tiberius Claudius Nero. Now, that is the last three emperors, but that adds none of them. Okay, so that's like, that's like Robinio being called Ronaldinho Ronaldo Rivaldo.
7:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:46 Speaker 01 He's nothing to do with them.
7:47 Speaker 02 Or Keir Starmer called Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, David Cameron.
7:50 Speaker 01 Yes. Yeah, forget all of them.
7:54 Speaker 01 His mother is Antonia the Younger. And her parents are Octavia the Younger, who's Augustus's sister.
8:00 Speaker 02 Right.
8:01 Speaker 01 And Mark Antony.
8:02 Speaker 02 Right.
8:03 Speaker 01 Cleopatra's, the personal trainer who lives in Dubai.
8:06 Speaker 02 So the Julian Claudian line, that's because it went from a public to an emperor. It's about trying to trace it back to either Julius Caesar or more importantly, Augustus.
8:16 Speaker 01 Yes.
8:17 Speaker 02 Who was such a successful ruler. He calmed everything down. And it's basically, all of these emperors are trying to state their claim to going back to Augustus.
8:25 Speaker 01 It's the opposite of Tony Blair. Who was as successful, but everyone's trying to distance themselves from him. So it's like, how much stock have you got in the Labour Party? Well, how close were you to Blair?
8:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
8:36 Speaker 01 So Claudius is a descendant of Julius Caesar through the Julian line. Which is very important. Now, he has two older siblings. One of them is Germanicus, who is Caligula's dad.
8:49 Speaker 01 Germanicus is the popular general hero.
8:52 Speaker 02 He had a lot of success in Germany, so he got the name.
8:55 Speaker 01 Germanicus and.
8:56 Speaker 02 So Tony Blair would, if he's been successful, be called Arachicus?
9:00 Speaker 01 No, he'd be called Kosovus, Kosovus. He'd be called Sierra Leonius and Northern Arundus. That's Tony Blair, okay? We must not just judge him by Arachus.
9:09 Speaker 02 Yes.
9:11 Speaker 01 You know, Germanicus is not called, I don't know, fucking Goliath.
9:16 Speaker 02 Yes.
9:16 Speaker 01 Right?
9:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:17 Speaker 01 Because he's defined by his successors.
9:18 Speaker 02 For sure.
9:19 Speaker 01 Personally, I see Tony Blair as Kosovus Sierra Leonius Northern Arundus. Yeah, short starters.
9:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:27 Speaker 01 Yeah. Minimum wage us, civil union us, okay? There's lots of us's in Tony Blair's name that's not Arachus.
9:34 Speaker 02 Universitius.
9:35 Speaker 01 Universitius.
9:37 Speaker 01 Polytechnicus, yeah? He did a lot, he did a lot. Anyway.
9:43 Speaker 00 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the HouseMajorityPac.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.
10:13 Speaker 03 He built the first planet-wide media empire.
10:15 Speaker 04 He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.
10:20 Speaker 03 He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power, and legacy.
10:25 Speaker 04 This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.
10:29 Speaker 03 Join me, Dorian Linsky.
10:31 Speaker 04 And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.
10:37 Speaker 03 That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.
10:45 Speaker 01 Whereas Cameron is Brexitus.
10:47 Speaker 02 Sure.
10:47 Speaker 01 Yeah. Brexitus is serious.
10:49 Speaker 02 He's also gay marriages.
10:50 Speaker 01 Gay marriages.
10:51 Speaker 02 Which often doesn't get credited, but he's actually hard calling gay marriages.
10:54 Speaker 01 Well, I'd call him Brexitus gay marriages.
10:58 Speaker 02 And then John Major is sodomus.
11:00 Speaker 01 Sodomus.
11:01 Speaker 02 He legalized sodomy.
11:02 Speaker 01 He did. We must never forget.
11:04 Speaker 02 The John Major.
11:05 Speaker 01 The rot begins with Major, okay? The fucking barn doors flew off when Major legalized... Did he? No, he decriminalised it.
11:12 Speaker 02 Decriminalised, I think.
11:14 Speaker 01 It's very late, isn't it?
11:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:15 Speaker 01 Nineties, the nineties.
11:16 Speaker 02 So is it like you're not allowed to deal sodomy, but you're allowed to...
11:19 Speaker 01 You can do it in your own home.
11:22 Speaker 02 But you can't be a sodomite dealer?
11:23 Speaker 01 No, you can't be buggering someone in a public car park. What's a buggerie? Is that... That's public sodomy, isn't it?
11:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:32 Speaker 01 Charlie, could you just find out the legal definitions of buggerie, sodomy, and then just homosexuality?
11:36 Speaker 02 All I know is that any privately educated man of a certain age has been buggered.
11:40 Speaker 05 Any, um... Buggerie is a specialised British English word that refers to anal sex and sometimes other non-procreative sexual acts.
11:50 Speaker 01 Now, that's it. I remember Joan McNally even came on saying that buggerie is technically cunnilingus, which is very funny.
11:56 Speaker 02 Hmm.
11:57 Speaker 01 Just to walk in on a man going down, "Stop that buggerie now. What are you doing? Wash your mouth out, you bugger." Yes. Claudius is... His dad is Germanicus, who is Caligula's dad.
12:11 Speaker 02 Caligula.
12:11 Speaker 01 Sorry. His brother is Germanicus, whose dad is... Whose son is Caligula. Now, Corrigora.
12:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:17 Speaker 01 If you've not heard that episode, maybe, maybe, maybe listen to that one first. He is the emperor, and so he then goes on this huge killing spree where he sort of purges
12:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:30 Speaker 01 any potential rival. But Claudius is never purged. And why is that?
12:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:37 Speaker 01 At some point in Claudius's early childhood, he becomes very ill. And we don't really know... Historians are trying to work out what the modern day equivalent of this would be. But his symptoms are partially deaf, a stutter, a limp, and a constantly running nose and drooling at the time.
12:57 Speaker 02 He also laughed inappropriately.
12:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:59 Speaker 02 While drawing.
13:01 Speaker 01 So now-
13:03 Speaker 02 Basically, if he was born now, he'd have a Channel 4 series.
13:06 Speaker 01 Oh, he'd be the commissioner of Channel 4.
13:09 Speaker 02 But this is a very, very different time, and the view of disability is the opposite of the view of disability now.
13:15 Speaker 01 I disagree.
13:16 Speaker 02 Go on.
13:17 Speaker 01 I think it's actually quite a sophisticated understanding of disability because-
13:20 Speaker 02 I didn't say it wasn't sophisticated, I said it's the opposite of that.
13:22 Speaker 01 No, I disagree.
13:23 Speaker 02 Okay.
13:23 Speaker 01 Because essentially, when you then find out that he wrote several books, he's clearly not mentally disabled, he just looks clapped. He's just a bit of a nerd.
13:33 Speaker 02 Right.
13:34 Speaker 01 Nowadays, I would say we're getting very close to a stage where nerds are identifying as disabled.
13:43 Speaker 01 In that if you let that autism, if you plough that furrow too far, you will just push through to just people who are just a bit nerdy. If you broaden the autism spectrum so much, as you've often talked about how you prefer a disability that's binary.
14:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, traffic-
14:01 Speaker 01 Traffic light system.
14:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:02 Speaker 01 What is it again?
14:03 Speaker 02 Green, normal, yellow, bit odd, red, Down syndrome.
14:06 Speaker 01 Perfect. I know where I stand. I know where I stand.
14:10 Speaker 02 Green, yellow, red.
14:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly. We've got the full traffic light system here on Ten Versus History. Okay. Now, exactly, under the 2010 Act, right, under the 2010 Disability Act, dyslexia's a disability.
14:26 Speaker 02 Well, I've got dyspraxia, so I'm disabled.
14:27 Speaker 01 Yes, well, well-
14:28 Speaker 02 I'm a modern day glaucoma.
14:30 Speaker 01 But this is my point, is that in the 90s, you were not disabled, you were just wobbly, right?
14:34 Speaker 02 Yes.
14:34 Speaker 01 In the 90s, you didn't have ADHD, you were just late.
14:37 Speaker 02 But then how is that similar to now? Because back then, they viewed it-
14:40 Speaker 01 They call him disabled when actually he's not, he's just a bit-
14:45 Speaker 02 It's not, yeah, but being called disabled now is a benefit in a way, because that's like, there's a bit of status there. There's no status for being disabled back then, is what I'm trying to say.
14:57 Speaker 01 I agree with that.
14:58 Speaker 02 The categorization, yeah, maybe they call it disabled, but if you're called disabled, it means that publicly, not only are you unvirtuous- It means-
15:06 Speaker 01 You're saying this is different to now?
15:09 Speaker 01 They didn't, you know, you didn't get like a, you didn't get a free tablet.
15:12 Speaker 02 They just, anything that reminds them of any sort of weakness-
15:15 Speaker 01 Yes.
15:15 Speaker 02 It means that you're openly allowed to be mocked, and not only that, what I enjoy about this period is physical disabilities that you can't help were viewed as moral failings.
15:23 Speaker 01 Exactly, it's early phrenology.
15:26 Speaker 01 It's the, it's the long road to phrenology.
15:27 Speaker 02 Right.
15:28 Speaker 01 It's your head is too big to have a job here.
15:29 Speaker 02 Yes.
15:30 Speaker 01 You can't work here.
15:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:31 Speaker 01 You can't command any respect because of the size of your forehead.
15:33 Speaker 02 Whereas now it's reverse phrenology, where it's like, your head's too big to work here. Do you want to be the boss?
15:39 Speaker 01 Oh my God, you've just crystallized what my problem with today is, is that it is reverse phrenology. It's taking everything that we work so hard for and, and flipping it and, and it's inverting science.
15:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, you'd be terrible for this. Do you want it?
15:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
15:53 Speaker 02 Have it.
15:54 Speaker 01 You're clearly awful. Have, have, have the company. My point is, is that, uh, they actually, I suppose they're, uh, you know, I grew up in a world where disability had quite a high threshold to, and that threshold has been lowered.
16:11 Speaker 02 Sure, sure.
16:12 Speaker 01 As I've got older.
16:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:13 Speaker 01 I see in the Roman age, they had quite a wide net for what it, basically if you weren't ripped and tall, you were disabled.
16:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:23 Speaker 01 Which I feel like is the direction of travel.
16:25 Speaker 02 Is horseshoe, right?
16:26 Speaker 01 Yes.
16:26 Speaker 02 It's comeback round.
16:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:29 Speaker 01 So, but you're right in that the status is very different, you know, that he was not getting a free laptop or a free stone tablet or whatever. Basically, uh, he gives the impression that he's a, he's dim witted and unfit for public life.
16:40 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:41 Speaker 01 Because to be fair, he's, he's got a constantly running nose and he's drooling all the time.
16:45 Speaker 02 And he limps.
16:46 Speaker 01 He limps.
16:46 Speaker 02 He's empty, he's drooling and he laughs.
16:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's like Charlie when he just laughs out of no reason. And to be fair, if you are voting for someone in the public office and they're just like, and there's a guy who's got really strong concerns about, about immigration, there's just a guy just constantly running nose, you go, you can't even stop your nose running, let alone the boats, you know? Where is it, Charlie?
17:06 Speaker 05 What's the equivalent to stolen valet if you pretend you're disabled?
17:09 Speaker 01 Oh, look around.
17:13 Speaker 01 The equivalent is the year 2026, okay? You just pop a sunflower land yard on and park where you want. Park where you want, shit where you want. That's a disgrace.
17:22 Speaker 02 Fuck who you want.
17:24 Speaker 01 Thank you, you can do that.
17:25 Speaker 02 I got the, look at the lanyard.
17:28 Speaker 01 Anyway, now, as you're saying, this is something that would not happen nowadays. Claudius's own mother describes her son as, quote, "an abortion of a man" "that had only been begun but never finished by nature."
17:41 Speaker 02 I mean, that's, that's pretty robust from a mother.
17:45 Speaker 01 That's 90s stuff, you know, that's, that's the era that I grew up in. That's, yeah, that's what, that's what you were saying in the playground.
17:50 Speaker 02 Unfinished abortion.
17:51 Speaker 01 An abortion of a man. A monster, a man whom Mother Nature had begun work upon, but then flung aside.
18:00 Speaker 01 Basically a Greek.
18:01 Speaker 02 Unfinished, yeah.
18:01 Speaker 01 A Greek, a Greek guy, yeah. Mother Nature is Greek in this regard. Not today. Shall I finish his brain? Nah, not today. Now, modern historians suggest that Claudius may have suffered from cerebral palsy.
18:14 Speaker 02 So it's like in Breaking Bad, what's his name?
18:18 Speaker 01 Yes, Waltz, Waltz Jr.
18:20 Speaker 02 Walt Jr.
18:21 Speaker 01 Autism and/or Tourette's.
18:25 Speaker 02 So I think I want to take autism out because we're, I feel that's like.
18:29 Speaker 01 Clouding the.
18:30 Speaker 02 Clouding it, I think it probably is, if he's like, I mean, Tourette's.
18:34 Speaker 01 Fuck us.
18:38 Speaker 01 Fuck us, cunt us.
18:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:42 Speaker 02 Shit us, pisses.
18:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, you can't be.
18:46 Speaker 02 Cunt us, cunt us, cunt us.
18:47 Speaker 01 Fuck us, fuck us, cunt us, fuck us.
18:48 Speaker 02 Shit us, fuck us, cunt us.
18:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, it, yeah, it doesn't really fit in with the, you can't be sitting in the senate. You know, doing that. Yeah, I suppose it's the long road to the BAFTAs, isn't it? Yeah, autism, I guess, doesn't really.
19:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:01 Speaker 01 Fit, although, although he.
19:03 Speaker 02 He probably does have it, but I'm saying that it seems like the least of his worries.
19:06 Speaker 01 Maybe in the Roman perspective, you know, I mean, dribbling isn't really autistic, is it?
19:12 Speaker 02 He's certainly got a physical ailments as well.
19:14 Speaker 01 But also a constantly running nose, what, what is that? I don't, what?
19:18 Speaker 02 Hay fever, I don't know.
19:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, again, is that, is that where we're going today? Not going to get a free laptop for having hay fever.
19:28 Speaker 01 What's a constantly running nose? What's that part of?
19:31 Speaker 02 Lots of people have that though.
19:33 Speaker 01 Just allergies?
19:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:34 Speaker 01 Chronic rhinorrhea.
19:37 Speaker 05 My mate had rhinitis and he had to sleep with a tape on his mouth.
19:39 Speaker 01 You've got so many mates. You've got so many mates and they're all fucked in their own way. Christ. You and the boys in the sunshine bus, I don't know. Chronically irritated nasal lining, but you know, it's similar to, there's people you just can't vote for. Because there's that old adage that, you know, most people, the general public at large, actually are voting for whether they want to go for a pint with the person.
20:05 Speaker 02 Sure.
20:05 Speaker 01 You know, and that was trust's great problem. It's like, I want to skip pints, just get straight to the bed.
20:12 Speaker 02 They're looking for someone who knows they want to blow.
20:15 Speaker 01 Yeah. It's just like, I shouldn't be your carer.
20:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:17 Speaker 01 You know, so he's a young guy. He's pretty clapped, but in nine B.C.
20:24 Speaker 02 That's early.
20:25 Speaker 01 Early, early stuff. Nine B.C. His dad.
20:28 Speaker 02 Do they ever say like, guys, we've got to stop having this view of disability. It's the year nine.
20:34 Speaker 02 Guys, come on. This is so backward. How are we still talking about this in the year nine?
20:39 Speaker 01 But it's not the year nine, it's nine B.C.
20:41 Speaker 02 Oh, fuck.
20:41 Speaker 01 So they wouldn't call it that.
20:42 Speaker 05 Minus nine.
20:43 Speaker 01 Hey?
20:43 Speaker 05 Minus nine.
20:44 Speaker 02 They wouldn't even know, but it was before, you're right.
20:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:46 Speaker 05 But when it's zero.
20:47 Speaker 01 Well, no, because that's in crisis board.
20:50 Speaker 02 So what do they call nine B.C. in nine B.C.?
20:52 Speaker 01 That's an interesting question.
20:53 Speaker 05 They would have just relied on a universal numbering system. Name the years after the ruling monarchs, local magistrates or major events.
21:02 Speaker 02 Okay, so it'd be just like year two collegial, year four.
21:07 Speaker 01 No, it'd be like the year of the horse.
21:08 Speaker 02 Right.
21:09 Speaker 01 So Druza, anyway, Druza dies and they're like, we've got to have a war. Come on, you can't call him. You can't use that word, you know? It's the year nine B.C. And he's just shouting, fuck us, fuck us. Come on, you've got to accommodate him. He doesn't mean it, you know, it's an involuntary tic. So his dad falls off a horse whilst in Germania, and Claudius is a young, is an infant, I think, at this point. And so care gets handed over to his mother, who fucking hates him.
21:39 Speaker 02 Can't stand him.
21:40 Speaker 01 Mother can't stand him. He's an abortion, in her words.
21:44 Speaker 02 I like, I love how cruel the women are in ancient Rome as well.
21:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:47 Speaker 02 The women play a huge role in Rome and they seem to have a lot of power and they use that power for deeply dark reasons.
21:53 Speaker 01 Yes.
21:55 Speaker 05 I think they, I think his name became a word for, like a slur.
21:59 Speaker 01 Like lame.
22:00 Speaker 05 Claudius became.
22:00 Speaker 01 Claudius, interesting.
22:02 Speaker 02 Like Stephen Hawking.
22:05 Speaker 01 He is Stephenus Hawkingus, yeah. He was often weaponized to mock people with limited mobility or paralysis.
22:10 Speaker 02 Damn.
22:11 Speaker 01 There you go.
22:11 Speaker 02 Brutal time.
22:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:14 Speaker 02 It is like British TV in the 2000s, basically.
22:16 Speaker 01 Yes, yes, it is, yeah.
22:17 Speaker 02 Fat families.
22:18 Speaker 01 His grandmother, Livia, basically was so ashamed by her grandson that she couldn't even look him in the fucking eye.
22:26 Speaker 02 So mum and, you're getting double, mum and grandma.
22:29 Speaker 01 Double team, mum and grandma.
22:30 Speaker 02 You don't have any, there's no one you're turning to.
22:32 Speaker 01 No, your, your emotional safe space is going, you are an abortion. And then you go to your granny, who's meant to go.
22:39 Speaker 02 Granny, that's granny.
22:40 Speaker 01 Granny, the grandmother, the nonna, Italian nonna.
22:42 Speaker 02 It's said that your grandma is the only person who truly wants you to do better than themselves in your whole life.
22:47 Speaker 01 True.
22:48 Speaker 02 But this granny says, I, this is a failed abortion.
22:51 Speaker 01 I pray aloud that the Roman people might be spared so cruel and undeserved a misfortune as to have him as their emperor.
22:59 Speaker 02 That's awesome.
23:00 Speaker 01 It's crazy. Now, she says this.
23:02 Speaker 02 That's a good nan.
23:02 Speaker 01 She says this, I have a lot of empathy with this because that's my nan as well.
23:08 Speaker 02 Right, well, she liked that about you.
23:09 Speaker 01 She's a cruel Presbyterian. Yeah, she is. Now, she said this after there was this kind of, the myth of the eagle.
23:18 Speaker 02 Right.
23:19 Speaker 01 So he's playing in the garden with his, with his siblings and then these eagles start circling above them. And they're fighting in the air over, like an injured wolf cub. And then the cub falls from the eagle's grasp into the arms of Claudius.
23:33 Speaker 02 Right.
23:34 Speaker 01 And that, then an oracle makes a prediction that he will become emperor.
23:37 Speaker 02 Because the wolf represents Romulus and Remus.
23:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, so similar to when a bride chucks the bouquet. Some eagles chuck a wolf cub and a disabled guy gets, huh?
23:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:47 Speaker 01 And then they're like, well, you're going to become the protector of Rome.
23:50 Speaker 02 And then his grandma says, oh, that, I hope that doesn't happen. He's fucking disabled.
23:54 Speaker 01 He's clapped. That cannot happen. The poor Roman people do not deserve the misfortune of having my clapped grandson rather. So, um, he, as a result of this, because he's still sort of blue blood, and at this point in nine B.C., who is emperor? Is it Tiberius or Augustus?
24:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:12 Speaker 01 Is it Peter or Blair? Who's in power? It is all Blair's in power.
24:16 Speaker 02 So, and Augustus has a long and maybe the most successful reign. Someone's saying he's the greatest.
24:20 Speaker 01 Things can only get better. Augustus is pressing the flesh outside Downing Street.
24:26 Speaker 02 Augustus is Blair if he didn't invade Iraq.
24:28 Speaker 01 Yes.
24:29 Speaker 02 That's it. That's what he is.
24:30 Speaker 01 God, imagine. He'd still be prime minister.
24:32 Speaker 02 You'll still think about it.
24:33 Speaker 01 He'd still be prime minister. He'd still be prime minister.
24:36 Speaker 02 In some ways he still is.
24:37 Speaker 01 He's still it. Well, he fucking still is. The amount of WhatsApps I got.
24:40 Speaker 02 When he came out.
24:41 Speaker 01 When he came out and he broke cover.
24:43 Speaker 02 This is your penis when Tony Blair.
24:44 Speaker 01 Says anything in the Times.
24:48 Speaker 02 I'm listening.
24:49 Speaker 01 I got so many WhatsApps from people saying, fucking Blair's seen it.
24:52 Speaker 02 That's the circle you've, you've created.
24:53 Speaker 01 Blair's seen it like a beach ball still.
24:55 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah, but also you're saying that like, God, it must be such a big, you've only selected people to hang out with who will message you that when Tony Blair, that's a very selective group.
25:05 Speaker 01 I don't give out my number to anyone.
25:07 Speaker 02 All of your WhatsApp groups are going to be people who have the exact same.
25:10 Speaker 01 Anyone to the left of David Miliband, I do not give out my number to.
25:17 Speaker 01 So, yeah, okay, Blair would, he's still see, he's still, he's the only guy, you know, who's still seeing things.
25:24 Speaker 02 Still sees them clearly.
25:25 Speaker 01 The day that Blair dies and we lose his third eye, this country is completely ruined.
25:29 Speaker 02 But do you see, he, he can't keep his hand out the cookie jar. He said some interesting things about domestic policy, as he often does. But then he was like, it was a mistake not to join Trump and Iran. It's like, Blair.
25:40 Speaker 01 History is long.
25:42 Speaker 02 Blair, you gotta fucking, you gotta realise, you, you've got your hand slapped. Stop going back there, brother.
25:49 Speaker 01 He can't help it. He's constructed. Look at him. Look at his peace. Look at his peace. He's dazed every morning. He's been whipped around his fucking nine bed Islington townhouse by that fucking piece of ass. He doesn't know what he's thinking, you know?
26:03 Speaker 05 Do you think Cherie told him off, Arag?
26:05 Speaker 02 I think in the documentaries, really, because Cherie gave up her own political career for Tony, so she's got a lot of her own.
26:11 Speaker 01 But also, there's a conspiracy theory that Cherie was actually running the show. And that Cherie was the puppet master for Blair.
26:18 Speaker 02 Right.
26:19 Speaker 01 And that Cherie's actually...
26:20 Speaker 02 Cherie did 9/11.
26:24 Speaker 01 I don't think that's a conspiracy theory, yeah. But you had to hear first, folks, Cherie Blair did 9/11. Yep. She organised it. She wanted to go into Iraq, yeah? She'd always hated Saddam. And she orchestrated the 9/11 attacks so that her husband, who is nothing, really, you know? He's all mouth, no trousers. She's got the fucking trousers.
26:45 Speaker 02 She's weekend at Bernie-ing fucking Tony Blair.
26:47 Speaker 01 Look, you can see in that photo, she's got her hand up his arse.
26:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, like a puppet.
26:50 Speaker 01 Playing him like a puppet, yeah? "We have to be close to America." That's her saying that. Ventriloquist, yeah? Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Anyway, yeah, Kosovus, Solaen Islandus, Cera Leonus. He is in power when Claudius isn't trusted with very few official responsibilities, because he's a little, sort of, clapped, disabled boy. And he's...
27:12 Speaker 02 His mother's words.
27:13 Speaker 01 His mother's words, sorry. Not my words, those are just his grandmother's words.
27:18 Speaker 02 Fucked in the head, as his grandmother would say.
27:20 Speaker 01 No, he can't have an official role because he's completely fucked in the head. His bants is gone, but he throws...
27:25 Speaker 02 But his bants isn't gone, is it?
27:26 Speaker 01 It's not.
27:27 Speaker 02 It appears to be gone. And he's incredibly annoying, but his bants is not gone.
27:31 Speaker 01 The great question is how, you know, there's an idea that maybe he grows out of his disabilities, but...
27:38 Speaker 02 Does that happen?
27:39 Speaker 01 No, there's a theory...
27:41 Speaker 02 Are you saying that you have a disabled child and you're like, "I'll grow up"?
27:43 Speaker 01 Well, yes. But there's a theory that he learns that his underestimation is actually a sign of great strength. And he plays the fool.
27:56 Speaker 02 Yes, he's Tom Wambscam.
27:57 Speaker 01 He's Tom Wambsgamm in Succession.
27:59 Speaker 02 That's why he's a, that, that, that's the archetype that Claudius is.
28:02 Speaker 01 What is it, Charlie?
28:02 Speaker 05 Is he who the Emperor in Monty Python with the lisp is based on?
28:07 Speaker 01 Possibly.
28:08 Speaker 02 Could be.
28:08 Speaker 01 Possibly. I don't know. There's a big show, there's a big TV show called I Claudius in the seventies.
28:14 Speaker 02 My parents go on, it was apparently a huge deal.
28:16 Speaker 01 It was the equivalent of, of Succession, but in the seventies. And it's Derek Jacobi plays I Claudius.
28:22 Speaker 02 Who did Christopher Biggins play?
28:24 Speaker 01 Uh, maybe Caligula?
28:26 Speaker 02 When I was producing a live podcast, he was the guest.
28:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:29 Speaker 02 And that's when he came straight out and said that, uh, this is 10 seconds into meeting him, the whole room told him that, uh, Prince Charles was frequented gay clubs in the eighties. That was like, told everyone. 10 seconds in, pretty extraordinary entrance.
28:41 Speaker 05 We've covered that he would taste brilliant. Biggins.
28:44 Speaker 01 We have covered that he would taste brilliant. Can you find out what Biggins, uh, played in I Claudius?
28:48 Speaker 02 Yes, a suckling Biggins, I believe is what we said. Yeah.
28:52 Speaker 05 He played Nero.
28:53 Speaker 01 He played Nero? Okay. Biggins is Nero. Um, oh wow, look at a young Biggins. Gorgeous.
28:59 Speaker 02 Tastier when he's young.
29:00 Speaker 01 Oh, it's like veal. I would love to eat I Claudius hero, but era Biggins.
29:08 Speaker 01 He looks like sort of gay Rowan Atkinson in there. Delightful. Anyway, yeah, no, he's past, he's past.
29:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, I wouldn't want to eat that Biggins.
29:15 Speaker 01 That's like an old dairy cow. Anyway, so he, he now, he's has a massive, he's a massive, um, history guy, Claudius.
29:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, he, he doesn't, uh, show his history fans well, I don't think, seeing as he's like a sniveling nerd loser who can't go, uh, to fight in Europe and instead retreats to his book and goes, I'm going to become British, my history.
29:37 Speaker 01 Well, it's, it is Dan Snowdram. He's got Dan Snowdram.
29:41 Speaker 02 But Dan Snow is a Chad. That's what's funny about him. He's a tall, booming voice. That's why he stands out in the history field.
29:47 Speaker 01 Yes, he is.
29:47 Speaker 02 Is because he's a rare case where he's actually, he, he, he's tall, strong. He looks like a, he's not a fucking nerd.
29:55 Speaker 01 Men wanna be him, women wanna fuck him. Dan, Dan Snow, you know?
29:59 Speaker 02 He's James Bond.
29:59 Speaker 01 He is. History's James Bonds, you know? No one's talking about Sandbrook or Holland, the next Bond. They're talking about Snow.
30:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, Snow's in the run.
30:08 Speaker 01 Snow's in the running. I'm putting my hat in the ring for Snow, right? Um, anyway, so.
30:14 Speaker 05 Who do you think the biggest Chad is in terms of kind of traditional? British broadcast, like Ben Fogel.
30:20 Speaker 01 Madley, Madley, Madley.
30:21 Speaker 05 Who's in the running?
30:22 Speaker 01 Madley, Madley is, Madley's bringing a knife to that fight.
30:26 Speaker 02 You think?
30:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:26 Speaker 05 Ben Fogel?
30:27 Speaker 02 Danny Dyer.
30:29 Speaker 01 Madley's, he's been in that El Salvador prison.
30:31 Speaker 05 I saw that.
30:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, no, he's fucking people up.
30:34 Speaker 02 You reckon?
30:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, absolutely. He's got no.
30:37 Speaker 02 You think Madley's tasty in the fight?
30:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
30:43 Speaker 02 I don't know.
30:44 Speaker 01 He's got no social awareness.
30:46 Speaker 02 We're doing that really helps him.
30:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, he's not, he's not, he doesn't hesitate, doesn't hesitate to ask the question, whatever's in his head. What's wrong with you then? He doesn't hesitate.
30:55 Speaker 05 Who's the one who really fell off? Ayman Holmes, he's fucked it, hasn't he? Isn't he quite ill actually?
30:59 Speaker 01 No, I think he's a bit naughty.
31:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, naughty Holmes.
31:02 Speaker 05 He might be really unwell.
31:03 Speaker 01 I think Ayman's naughty. Anyway, we're in da, we're in danger of committing libel, which was.
31:09 Speaker 05 He's had a stroke.
31:10 Speaker 01 Ayman Holmes has had a stroke. Okay, breaking news.
31:13 Speaker 02 Who's he stroked?
31:14 Speaker 01 No, enough. Breaking news, Ayman Holmes has had a stroke. I guess that's what you, I get, what?
31:23 Speaker 05 23 hours ago, he's issued a.
31:25 Speaker 01 23, he had a stroke, 23 hours ago, right, pause this, pause Claudius.
31:30 Speaker 02 Breaking news.
31:30 Speaker 01 Men, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Oh my God, he's got Bates Brothers syndrome. Ayman Holmes has released.
31:39 Speaker 02 Why is he so smug?
31:41 Speaker 01 No, I think that's the stroke. I really hope that's not a smug face.
31:46 Speaker 01 Had worse Mondays? I've had a stroke. Right, wow. Okay, listeners, I hope you're sitting down. Ayman Holmes has had a stroke.
31:56 Speaker 02 Get well soon, Ayman.
31:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, from all of us here, Finn vs History.
32:01 Speaker 02 GB News will not be the same without you.
32:02 Speaker 01 I don't know why you're so fucking smug about it.
32:06 Speaker 01 Anyway, look, let's get back to Claudius's.
32:10 Speaker 05 He says he can't wait to be out of his gown and back into his suit and tie.
32:13 Speaker 01 That's what, that's what you think.
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32:47 Speaker 03 He built the first planet-wide media empire.
32:49 Speaker 04 He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.
32:54 Speaker 03 He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power and legacy.
32:59 Speaker 04 This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.
33:03 Speaker 03 Join me, Dorian Linsky.
33:04 Speaker 04 And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.
33:11 Speaker 03 That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.
33:18 Speaker 01 So, yes, Claudius gets put under the tutelage of Livy, who is the big, he's like the first historian, or one of the first historians, a huge Roman historian. So he writes extensively. Now, I think his publisher asks him to write a history of the Etruscans, which is northern Italy. And they say, just keep it to two volumes, and then he writes 20.
33:39 Speaker 02 Right.
33:40 Speaker 01 So he's mad for it. He loves it. And he then gets told off by his grandmother because he starts writing accounts, like academic accounts of Rome since Augustus. And that becomes, that's like family drama.
33:55 Speaker 02 Right.
33:55 Speaker 01 That's kind of airing the dirty laundry. So he has to abandon that sort of stuff.
34:01 Speaker 01 Because they damage his reputation. So he's sort of, he's politically isolated. He's dribbling, he's shouting fuckers, cuntus, every other word.
34:09 Speaker 02 But this is a classic, you do see this archetype in history of the kind of bullied nerd who then retreats to the books while all the chads play outside and bides his time and kind of develops skills.
34:23 Speaker 01 I'll show them.
34:26 Speaker 01 So Augustus dies in 14 AD. Now, they may have been calling it 14 at this point. They probably weren't actually. No, they definitely weren't. Because Jesus is 14.
34:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:39 Speaker 05 14 AD was called the year of the consulship of Pompeius and Apuleius.
34:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:44 Speaker 05 A bit of a mouthful.
34:45 Speaker 01 That is a bit of a mouthful. I think, I think they did, I think the 14, the numbers are better.
34:49 Speaker 02 They're much better. It was a good system.
34:51 Speaker 01 Otherwise, this would be the fifth year of the consulship of the Cidicistans.
34:55 Speaker 02 Do the Taliban use our time system?
34:58 Speaker 01 Don't know.
34:59 Speaker 02 Because it is kind of cucked for Taliban to use the time.
35:01 Speaker 01 Or is it like, is the year zero when they shot Malala in the head? And then everything since then?
35:07 Speaker 05 She's a Tory, did you know?
35:08 Speaker 01 She's a Tory?
35:09 Speaker 02 Doesn't surprise me.
35:10 Speaker 05 Malala's a Tory.
35:10 Speaker 01 Well, I think, you know.
35:11 Speaker 02 She comes from very conservative country.
35:13 Speaker 01 Yes, yeah. And also, I guess, if you've been shot in the head and then you go on to become, speak at the UN, you would think that's you, wouldn't you?
35:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:19 Speaker 01 You know.
35:20 Speaker 05 So the current Islamic year is 1447 A.H.
35:23 Speaker 01 Crazy.
35:23 Speaker 02 Oh, is that, so they use that as the?
35:25 Speaker 05 Yes.
35:25 Speaker 02 Right, fair enough.
35:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, they're about 600 behind.
35:27 Speaker 02 Right.
35:28 Speaker 05 Because it begins with the migration.
35:30 Speaker 01 Yes, out of, yes.
35:31 Speaker 05 Of Mohammed from Mecca to Medina.
35:33 Speaker 02 Fair play.
35:33 Speaker 01 So it's, it's the year 14 A.D., but if you're Muslim, it is the year 400, 600 B, B.M.?
35:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:43 Speaker 05 B.H.
35:43 Speaker 02 Before.
35:44 Speaker 01 B.H. Who's H?
35:45 Speaker 05 Before, uh.
35:46 Speaker 01 Hajj?
35:47 Speaker 05 No, before Hijra.
35:49 Speaker 02 Hijra.
35:50 Speaker 05 I think.
35:51 Speaker 01 Don't know who that is, but I'm sure he's great. Don't cut my head off. Okay, let's crack.
35:55 Speaker 02 Just a little off the top, please, not the whole head.
35:57 Speaker 01 Yep, just a haircut, please. I'd like a Turkish barber haircut, not a Saudi haircut.
36:08 Speaker 01 Do you reckon if you get caught stealing in Saudi Arabia, you go, yeah, just a couple of the sides, please?
36:12 Speaker 02 Please, yeah.
36:12 Speaker 01 Nothing off the top. Augustus dies in 14. Claudius is 23 at this point, and he appeals to his uncle, the new Emperor Tiberius.
36:23 Speaker 02 I mean, most uncles are creepy, and uncle's a creepy word, but this uncle is a paedophile of an island.
36:28 Speaker 01 Yes.
36:28 Speaker 02 Uncle Emperor Tiberius.
36:30 Speaker 01 Epstinus islandus, to allow him to begin his cursus honorum, which is a sort of the structured career path. I guess that's the, what would you say, that's like apprenticeship, or like joining the civil service and starting to work your way through up the machinery of government? Tiberius denies him, and then Claudius asks again, twice, and Tiberius says, no and no.
36:52 Speaker 02 Because you're fucked.
36:54 Speaker 01 Because you're clapped.
36:54 Speaker 02 Fuck us.
36:55 Speaker 01 Fuck us. So Claudius then focuses on his writing career. None of his original works have survived.
37:01 Speaker 02 So we don't know if they're any good?
37:02 Speaker 01 No.
37:05 Speaker 01 He said, quote, "No one is more miserable than the person who wills everything and can do nothing."
37:10 Speaker 02 Right, so he's steaming in the basement at the moment.
37:12 Speaker 01 Yes, he is.
37:13 Speaker 02 He's writing manifestos.
37:15 Speaker 01 Now, let's get to his love life, because his personal life is pretty hilariously tragic. There were plans for him to have married in his mid teens. Again, this is the Roman era. So this isn't creepy at this point. However, the girl in question's family gets politically disgraced somehow and the betrothal gets cancelled. But Claudius, much like Hawking, seems to be quite horny and disabled.
37:37 Speaker 02 Hornkins.
37:38 Speaker 01 Stephen Hornkin.
37:43 Speaker 01 So.
37:44 Speaker 02 Horny and disabled. It's a brutal combo.
37:46 Speaker 01 Brutal.
37:47 Speaker 02 It's a brutal.
37:47 Speaker 01 It's rare, you know, it's like a lunar eclipse. It's a rare sight, but magnificent when it emerges. Anyway, so he gets betrothed to a woman called Livia Medulina. After lots of unsuccessful attempts getting married, but this girl, Livia Medulina, falls ill and dies on their wedding day.
38:07 Speaker 02 Right.
38:07 Speaker 01 So, yeah, bereaved at first sight. BAFTS, that's what that show would be called. In the year nine, his third attempt, Claudius marries Plautia Ogulnilla.
38:20 Speaker 02 Sounds gorgeous.
38:23 Speaker 02 She's already, she's sucking off another bloke in her name.
38:26 Speaker 01 Yeah. He's that cocked that her name is Ogulnilla, huh?
38:31 Speaker 02 Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth and tell me?
38:35 Speaker 01 Can you please take that gentleman's cock out your mouth?
38:38 Speaker 01 Let's let the dog see the rabbit.
38:39 Speaker 05 There she is, I think.
38:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:40 Speaker 05 She looks nice.
38:41 Speaker 01 He looks nice enough.
38:41 Speaker 05 A bit white with dreads.
38:43 Speaker 02 I'd look nice on a coin though. Do you know what I mean?
38:46 Speaker 01 I don't know if you would actually. I think that's a massive.
38:48 Speaker 02 I think a coin would be two dimensions.
38:50 Speaker 01 Yeah. I think the more 3D, the better for you. I think when you reduce your features to 2D.
38:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, but you need to spend as long a time drawing me as possible. The quicker the worse, because then it'll be like.
39:01 Speaker 01 Detail is your friend.
39:04 Speaker 01 Okay.
39:06 Speaker 02 If you've got 10 seconds to draw me, it's gonna be pretty brutal.
39:09 Speaker 01 I know that from when I was a 12 year old and I was Gavin plumbing it behind Hollywood film stars and people would draw me with just two circles. Okay. Detail is your friend.
39:17 Speaker 02 Is our friend.
39:18 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no. You've not captured my complexity. Okay. The detail of the Hawaiian shirt, of the Billabong shorts, okay, of the pulled up white socks. And the skater shoes, even though I've never been on a skateboard in my life. The cream, the cream, the cream bun predators, you know? Detail is my friend. You've not captured the essence of my jowls. How must be terrifying for a right back seeing me steaming down the left wing as an impact sub. You've not captured that. You've just drawn two circles.
39:45 Speaker 01 Anyway, so Ogulogodulroo Miller gives birth to the couple's only child, who's named Claudius as well.
39:52 Speaker 02 Fair play.
39:53 Speaker 01 Anyway, now, but his son, this Claudius guy, dies aged four after choking on a pear.
40:01 Speaker 02 Fair enough.
40:02 Speaker 01 I mean, crack it out, Christ. How unlucky, I choke on a pear, oh my god.
40:08 Speaker 02 It's the most Jewish woman of all time.
40:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's the Idi Amin hostage crisis all over again.
40:14 Speaker 01 So there's a guy called Sejanus, who's that? Who's Sejanus?
40:19 Speaker 01 So at this point, oh, because Tiberius is living on Capri, fucking his little fish, which is his squadron of aquap, aqua, aqua victims. He's an aquapito. Because he's basically busying himself doing that, the guy running the country is a guy called Sejanus. So Claudius is lying low in this period.
40:42 Speaker 01 And Claudius gets betrothed, no, Claudius's son, who's also called Claudius, gets betrothed to Junilla, the daughter of Sejanus. But then, his son, much like his dad, is so clap, they can't even eat a fucking pear, aged four. So he dies. And I guess Claudius's grandmother goes, well, good.
41:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, thank fuck for that.
41:02 Speaker 01 You know, they're Darwinist in the year 14.
41:05 Speaker 02 If you can't handle a pear, you didn't deserve to live.
41:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, you know, pear is early stuff. I mean, is he putting the whole thing in?
41:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:13 Speaker 01 Anyway.
41:13 Speaker 02 Quite a dry one.
41:14 Speaker 05 You can eat the whole thing though, don't you? There's no centre of a pear, you just eat the whole thing, right? There's no core.
41:19 Speaker 02 There is a core.
41:20 Speaker 01 I think there is a core, but you can eat, you can eat it. It's less, it's less sturdy than an apple.
41:24 Speaker 02 Sure.
41:26 Speaker 01 So anyway, so Claudius divorces his first wife in the year 24, because he thinks she's having an affair and was involved in the murder of her sister-in-law, which is irrelevant to the story. So he then remarries a woman called Aaliyah, Aaliyah Paitina, who is Sejanus's adopted sister. He then, I mean, for a disabled guy who's a nerd, he's divorcing a lot.
41:55 Speaker 02 Yes.
41:55 Speaker 01 To be fair. He then divorces her because Sejanus gets executed. So.
42:02 Speaker 02 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. So he marries the guy who's in charge's sister because he's in charge, because Sejanus fell from power. All of her power's gone.
42:12 Speaker 01 So I guess, is this when Caligula comes to power that he purges Sejanus, maybe? Anyway, we're getting, we're getting a bit lost in the weeds, but let's get to.
42:20 Speaker 02 There's a lot of names.
42:20 Speaker 01 There's a lot of names and they're all the same name.
42:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
42:22 Speaker 01 But Caligula comes to power in the year, I think it's 33.
42:27 Speaker 02 Okay.
42:28 Speaker 01 I believe, which is as Christ is executed. I may be. So Caligula actually facilitates Claudius' entrance into Roman politics because he appoints, oh, sorry, it's the year 37.
42:42 Speaker 02 So does Christ get executed when Caligula's on the throne?
42:45 Speaker 01 No, sorry. So he's four years, he comes to power in the year 37.
42:48 Speaker 02 Right.
42:48 Speaker 01 So Christ has been dead for four years.
42:50 Speaker 02 But so was.
42:52 Speaker 01 Tiberius.
42:53 Speaker 02 Tiberius.
42:54 Speaker 01 Executes Christ, which is why people get so annoyed at Epstein. Because not only are you a paedophile, but you're also Jewish. And it was, it was a paedophile. The Jews killed Christ, but also it was a Roman paedophile emperor who, who ordered him.
43:11 Speaker 02 You know, unlike athletics where they set the difficulty for the flip and they need to land it? That was like a high difficulty.
43:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was quite.
43:19 Speaker 02 I think you smacked your ball from the bar.
43:23 Speaker 01 Yeah. You know what I mean? And that, well, it doesn't matter. Anyway.
43:29 Speaker 01 You know what? People don't like Epstein for many reasons.
43:31 Speaker 02 Yes.
43:31 Speaker 01 Yeah. But he looked good.
43:34 Speaker 02 He did.
43:34 Speaker 01 Not enough people say it.
43:35 Speaker 02 Not, that's true.
43:36 Speaker 01 Like so many things, I'm a salmon swimming upstream, complimenting that man for how he dressed.
43:44 Speaker 01 Anyway, so Caligula appoints Claudius, who is his uncle.
43:49 Speaker 02 Yep.
43:50 Speaker 01 As consul. Now, I can't remember what a consul is, but it's a thing. It's an important thing in the setting up of the, in the running of the country.
43:58 Speaker 02 Now, I get a bit confused with Caligula and Nero because they're both just doing mad stuff, but Caligula was madder than Nero. Nero, Nero was the populist theatre kiddie one.
44:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, Nero fiddles while Rome burned. Caligula made his consul a horse.
44:12 Speaker 02 Yes.
44:12 Speaker 01 And Caligula was the sex pest who fucked everyone's wives.
44:15 Speaker 02 Fucked everyone's wife, even during dinner.
44:17 Speaker 01 He'd be having a cabinet meeting and then he'd be like, wait here, and he'd just go and fuck someone's wife.
44:21 Speaker 02 And then she'd come back with ruffled hair.
44:22 Speaker 01 And he'd be like, mm, six on 10.
44:24 Speaker 05 Is it like those, you know, those porn scenes where like they're having dinner and then like.
44:28 Speaker 02 Yes.
44:28 Speaker 05 She's under the table.
44:31 Speaker 01 I don't, I don't really watch it.
44:33 Speaker 02 Explain, explain.
44:34 Speaker 05 There's like the grand, they're having like pasta and the grandma's over and so is the dad, but then him and his sister are, they're under the table at it. And I imagine that's what it was like with Caligula, where he's just like shagging people while they're having that big meetings.
44:48 Speaker 02 Or it'd be like.
44:49 Speaker 05 Under the table with like a big drink.
44:50 Speaker 02 The wife is asking the husband how his day is. This cocky guy is like, you know, fiddling around with the cupboards.
44:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:56 Speaker 02 And she's just getting ploughed with a guy with a balaclava while she's asking how his day is.
45:00 Speaker 01 From behind and she's just like, yeah, it was fine. I mean, that is acting, to be fair to those women, acting, that's great acting. And they're like, oh no, I had a great day. And they're, you know.
45:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's brilliant.
45:09 Speaker 01 They're having to imbue, with their eyes, they're having to imbue pleasure and also fear.
45:13 Speaker 02 It's fantastic.
45:14 Speaker 01 Fantastic stuff.
45:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:15 Speaker 01 What a woman can do, what an actress can do with her eyes, you know.
45:18 Speaker 05 What about the men?
45:19 Speaker 01 Sorry?
45:19 Speaker 05 Do you think that there's anything to say?
45:20 Speaker 02 The men don't get, the men don't get talked about enough.
45:22 Speaker 01 They don't get the credit.
45:23 Speaker 05 They're just, they're just kind of dogs.
45:25 Speaker 02 At the porn, at porn conferences, apparently it's very sad, the men's tables.
45:28 Speaker 05 I nearly went this year to the Ben, to the, because Ben Dover was going to be there. Do you know Ben Dover?
45:34 Speaker 02 You told me about Ben Dover.
45:35 Speaker 05 Uh, he is the, he's better known for his.
45:38 Speaker 01 I ne- I nearly went.
45:40 Speaker 02 To Ben, well, it's Ben Dover. Ben Dover's there.
45:43 Speaker 05 Uh, what's he got? He's, he's, he began producing the Ben Dovers Kick Ass Angel Adventure series. I know he's a.
45:49 Speaker 02 Is that for kids?
45:52 Speaker 01 I'm saying this stuff as if I've heard of it. Oh, the Kick House Anal Adventure series. Oh, sorry, that's the exec producer.
45:58 Speaker 02 How'd you know Ben Dover?
46:00 Speaker 05 He's Tiger Drew Honey's dad, you know in Outnumbered?
46:01 Speaker 02 No.
46:03 Speaker 01 Oh, really?
46:03 Speaker 05 Yeah.
46:04 Speaker 01 Hugh Dennis?
46:04 Speaker 05 No.
46:06 Speaker 01 Hugh Dennis is the executive producer on the Anal Adventure series?
46:12 Speaker 05 No, Tiger Drew Honey, who's
46:13 Speaker 02 Yes, the young girl.
46:15 Speaker 05 The main son in Outnumbered, the oldest son in Outnumbered.
46:18 Speaker 02 The son or the daughter?
46:19 Speaker 05 This guy.
46:19 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
46:20 Speaker 05 Look, Tiger Drew Honey, his dad is Ben Dover, who's done a lot of film making. And I was gonna go meet him and maybe make a video with it, not a porn video, a view from a bridge.
46:33 Speaker 02 I mean, it would be interesting to go to the porn awards, I guess.
46:35 Speaker 05 Yeah.
46:36 Speaker 02 Kind of a unique vibe.
46:39 Speaker 01 I don't think we're nominated this year.
46:44 Speaker 01 And if we are, something's gone quite wrong with this show, I think.
46:47 Speaker 02 Complaining, this is a fucking disgrace, we don't win best gangbang.
46:51 Speaker 05 Would that sink the company? Because you know how Skepta did a porno? Did you hear about this, Horatio?
46:55 Speaker 02 No, I didn't hear about this.
46:56 Speaker 05 Skepta did a porno.
46:57 Speaker 02 But it didn't sink his career.
46:58 Speaker 01 I don't have Google notifications for porn news, Charlie, unlike you. Across.
47:04 Speaker 05 Well, would it sink the company if we made a porno, but if it was beautiful, if it was incredible?
47:09 Speaker 01 I don't think it's what people want.
47:10 Speaker 02 I would love to see
47:11 Speaker 05 As an expression of art.
47:12 Speaker 02 It'd be interesting to see the live Patreon ticker, what's the video we could make that would make it go down the fastest? Because it's quite hard to lose patrons, people forget to
47:21 Speaker 01 It seems.
47:21 Speaker 02 Yep, at a terrifying rate, it's growing. But, so please don't subscribe anymore, it's getting embarrassing.
47:27 Speaker 01 It's really boring behind that paywall. We're not having the best time, it's awful.
47:31 Speaker 02 But yeah, because people forget to unsubscribe to patrons, I do wonder
47:36 Speaker 01 Don't remind them.
47:36 Speaker 02 What would you have to? No, we've got to, mate, it's uncouth, if anything.
47:40 Speaker 01 It is uncouth, no.
47:40 Speaker 02 It is vulgar.
47:41 Speaker 01 It is vulgar. Our patron is vulgar.
47:43 Speaker 02 It would be classy if it was like a, like, I think maybe like six or seven thousand is like a, there's a classiness.
47:49 Speaker 01 Michael Matoria.
47:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
47:50 Speaker 01 There's a classiness to it.
47:51 Speaker 02 There's like an elite group, there's an exclusivity to it.
47:55 Speaker 01 Yes.
47:55 Speaker 02 This is any old fucking slop.
47:57 Speaker 01 It is, it is. It's pigs, just let the pigs in.
47:59 Speaker 02 It's a horde, it's not
48:00 Speaker 01 It is, yeah. But we're trying to take over Afghanistan, as we've been said.
48:04 Speaker 02 It doesn't feel like the most discerning patron when this many people can connect with what we're doing.
48:08 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
48:09 Speaker 02 So we've done something wrong.
48:10 Speaker 01 We have done something wrong.
48:10 Speaker 02 It's too popular.
48:11 Speaker 01 We've opened the gate. And now the only future is for us to get, to keep going.
48:16 Speaker 02 Until we hit, was it Taliban we're aiming for?
48:18 Speaker 01 Hundred and twenty gram, hundred and twenty.
48:20 Speaker 02 We're at the El Salvadorian mega prison at the minute.
48:23 Speaker 01 Currently.
48:23 Speaker 02 We're mainly in El Salvador. This is what, me and the pageant is mainly in El Salvador.
48:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is, yeah, yeah, it is.
48:31 Speaker 01 Anyway, look, we are going to, if you, if you want to help us take on the Taliban in order to make life even worse for Afghan women, then join the pageant.
48:40 Speaker 02 I think don't subscribe, to be honest. I think I'm subscribed.
48:42 Speaker 01 We must finish the story, okay? Caligula is in power. He has made Claudius, his nephew, one of the highest elected magistrates in Rome. Claudius is now in the system. So, he appointed Claudius because, Caligula is, as you said, is the showman. He wants to humiliate him in public.
49:03 Speaker 02 Nero's the showman.
49:04 Speaker 01 They're both showmen.
49:05 Speaker 02 Both showmen, right.
49:06 Speaker 01 Nero's the one who does the chariot racing.
49:09 Speaker 02 Yes.
49:09 Speaker 01 Right, anyway.
49:10 Speaker 02 But Caligula was madder.
49:12 Speaker 01 Yes, but Caligula is also, is the one doing the kind of big public shows, the spectacles, the fake battles and all that. So.
49:18 Speaker 02 But he gets, Caligula gets Claudius there because he, he's the one who makes, humiliates the senate more than anyone.
49:24 Speaker 01 Yes.
49:25 Speaker 02 Right? And he thinks Claudius is funny, because it's funny to have his cerebral palsy dribbling uncle.
49:30 Speaker 01 Tourette's or uncle.
49:31 Speaker 02 But make him, in the way that he married his horse, it was like, well, I'll make this.
49:35 Speaker 01 He made the horse consul, yeah.
49:35 Speaker 02 This fucking idiot will be one of my counsellors, because he's stupid and, you know, no one will ever respect him.
49:40 Speaker 01 He would throw olive stones at him.
49:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:42 Speaker 01 Yeah. So, but Claudius, I'm, I've claimed that he's playing along and undermining his own intelligence, so I'm not seen as a threat.
49:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:51 Speaker 01 No one respects the disabled uncle.
49:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:55 Speaker 01 But his, but the point is that his visible afflictions arguably keep him alive under.
50:00 Speaker 02 Because anyone else would be a threat, he would have been killed.
50:02 Speaker 01 Anyone related, this closely related to the Julian Claudian line, ladies. Anyway, in the year thirty-eight, Claudius marries his third wife, Valeria Messalina. Claudius is nearly fifty, Messalina is eighteen. Woofus!
50:18 Speaker 02 Yes.
50:20 Speaker 01 Now, she-
50:21 Speaker 02 With us grandest.
50:22 Speaker 01 Aruus. Now, she, we'll get into more in the second episode, she's hilarious.
50:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:29 Speaker 01 I mean, as if this guy wasn't-
50:31 Speaker 02 She's a great woman.
50:31 Speaker 01 She's a terrific woman. If this poor cunt hadn't had it bad enough with the lottery of his disabilities that he's won.
50:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:38 Speaker 01 And, you know, the fact his son dies in a pair-
50:40 Speaker 02 Kind of cuck all-timer, like the goat of being cuck.
50:43 Speaker 01 In the grand scheme of all-time cucks.
50:45 Speaker 02 His numbers don't lie. He's Michael Jordan of getting cucked.
50:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, because she is his Scottie Pippen.
50:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:52 Speaker 01 All right. You can't have Jordan without the rest of that team.
50:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:55 Speaker 01 And there's a guy, Tyreek taught me this, do you know that there's a guy called Steve Kerr who's in that team as well?
50:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:00 Speaker 01 This is, Tyreek taught me this.
51:01 Speaker 02 Was he the one white guy in?
51:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
51:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:03 Speaker 01 He's got a brother, do you know what his first name is?
51:05 Speaker 02 What?
51:05 Speaker 01 Nick.
51:07 Speaker 01 Now, Tyreek taught me that, okay? He thought it was funny.
51:11 Speaker 02 Was he at the BAFTAs?
51:12 Speaker 01 No, he wasn't at the BAFTAs.
51:15 Speaker 01 He was shouting at the BAFTAs.
51:16 Speaker 02 It's like, you know, the part where Steve, Steve!
51:22 Speaker 01 Dan. Dan, Dan!
51:23 Speaker 02 Nick, Nick!
51:25 Speaker 01 Don't make me say the full name, Nick. Anyway, so, now, Mesalina and Claudius would have two children, Claudia and Britannicus. Now, on the 24th of January, 41, Caligula meets his end in a corridor with the Praetorian guards hacking him to death.
51:49 Speaker 02 Because he'd just, he'd taken the piss too much.
51:51 Speaker 01 Yes, he had taken the piss too much.
51:52 Speaker 02 And all of the power, which has become clear, where you're wondering how do people take power, it's all about having the Praetorian guard on your side. That seems to be the fundamental way. If you want to take control, you have to take control of the Praetorian guard. The only people allowed swords in the city, and basically if you're in the pocket, if they're in your pocket, you can take over, basically.
52:14 Speaker 01 So Claudius witnesses the assassination supposedly and is terrified, hiding behind a palace curtain. Ah, please! Fuck us, fuck us! Cuck us, cuss us! Now, a Praetorian guard spots Claudius's feet poking out from behind the curtain and drags him out.
52:32 Speaker 01 So Claudius falls to his knees to beg for mercy.
52:37 Speaker 02 Dribbling.
52:37 Speaker 01 Dribbling.
52:38 Speaker 02 And laughing.
52:40 Speaker 01 Fuck us, fuck us.
52:43 Speaker 01 And everyone thinks, well, this guy's going to be executed.
52:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
52:46 Speaker 01 And yet instead, the guard salutes him as the new emperor. Now, what has gone on here? We will deal with that in part two.
52:59 Speaker 02 Fuck us.
53:00 Speaker 01 Which is already on our Patreon. Where for three pounds a month, you can sign up to become part of this vulgar class of new money, katana wielding idiots.
53:13 Speaker 02 Trash, trash.
53:14 Speaker 01 They are trash. It's trash to join our Patreon.
53:18 Speaker 01 And we're biggest in the UK.
53:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:22 Speaker 01 And it's, it's just a matter of time. We're bigger, we're bigger than ISIS.
53:25 Speaker 02 Yes.
53:26 Speaker 01 We're bigger than Hamas. And we are trying to get to be as big as the Taliban.
53:30 Speaker 02 We blew Hezbollah out the window.
53:31 Speaker 01 Hezbollah, fuck off Hezbollah, nothing. So, join the Patreon to get instant access to the rest of the story. And our bonus this week is on Hercules.
53:41 Speaker 02 Hmm.
53:42 Speaker 01 Hercules, Hercules.
53:43 Speaker 02 The original is so much better than the Disney version, my god.
53:47 Speaker 01 That's already on the Patreon. If not, we will see you on Thursday.
53:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:52 Speaker 01 For the continuation of the story of Claudius. Good night now.
53:57 Speaker 02 Goodbye.
53:57 Speaker 01 Goodbye.
Previous Hanging Out The Blatter it | The History of The World Cup (Part 4/4) Next Cuckolded by Mr Tumble | Claudius (Part 2) Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated