First Port Stanley, Now This?? (with The Upshot!) | The History of The World Cup (Part 3/4)

Welcome to the weird world of drug testing. The World Cup (Part Three) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠ This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠⁠⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 - Time Wasting 04:30 - Keep Your Head Above The Shit 08:33 - The Merchant Of Death 13:21 - Can A Man Not Change? 15:59 - Male Mental Health 21:21 - Pope’s Bathroom 25:50 - Port Stanley 32:36 - Wind It Down 37:18 - Farcing Hell Mate 42:19 - Bad Egg 46:17 - Red Rag To A Bull 53:02 - And It’s Live Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Welcome back to Finverse History. It's part three of the World Cup story. We're still joined by the Upshot Boys.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  And this episode, we're going to the den of iniquity that is South America in the 70s. It's the sewer.

• 0:56Speaker 03

  Yeah. You keep leaving big challenges in South America, this series. You're really putting some crunchy tackles in.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Well, we're going to see why, aren't we? We're going to see why. Something we missed out on the last episode, which I thought happened in a later World Cup, but we should just mention it.

• 1:08Speaker 03

  The Argentinians are animals.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  The Argentinians are animals.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  And the Brazilians keep trying to fuck them. And I'm like, no, no, you guys, you want goats. Anyway, in 1974, in the West German World Cup, we need to talk about Zaire, because this is one of the funniest moments. I only realised yesterday that it's not actually what, as funny as I thought it was. So, you wear this moment.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  So Brazil are taking it, so Zaire qualify, and they're being led by a dictator in Zaire, formerly the Congo, called Mabutu.

• 1:40Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  Have you guys done this on your podcast?

• 1:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, we've done Mabutu, yeah.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  So who's Mabutu?

• 1:45Speaker 02

  Big dictator. He organised the rumble in the jungle as well. He's not doing the sports washing thing for Congo.

• 1:51Speaker 04

  Is there an old story of supposedly this NBA player who he became mates with and went over there, and then this NBA player disappeared?

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Rodman?

• 1:59Speaker 04

  No, it wasn't him, it was someone else. This guy disappeared and the story is that he got eaten by Mabutu.

• 2:06Speaker 02

  Well, that might have been Idi Amin.

• 2:08Speaker 04

  That's Idi Amin.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  He threatened Muhammad Ali as well.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  Yes, he did. Yeah.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  But yeah, Mabuti, so it's Zaire, as it's called then. And he's, he's got some insanely long name. He's changed his name to.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  And it's sort of the ideal dictator look.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  The all powerful warrior who because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, goes from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  It's like that Welsh town.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  That's my pet name.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Big run up. Mobutu says, "Seku, nkuu, ngobendu wasabanga."

• 2:37Speaker 02

  You're off my heart?

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  And he, he wears the iconic dictator look. You know what I mean? It's like leopard print, sort of soldier's hat made of leopard print.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  Could look almost airline, air hostessy.

• 2:48Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, quite like short skirts.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  You wouldn't say that to him, no?

• 2:53Speaker 02

  No, I can't.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  No. So anyway, so he's, he's, they're promised financial rewards for qualifying. They get embezzled and then the squad say, we're not going to play. So then FIFA pay them directly to play Yugoslavia. They lose 9-0. Mabuti then directly intervenes, saying if they lose by more than three goals to Brazil, then they wouldn't be allowed to return to Zaire. So that's the context.

• 3:16Speaker 03

  That's great.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  So they're 2-0 down to Brazil, when Brazil get a free kick.

• 3:20Speaker 03

  So the 9-0 was a group stage game?

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:22Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  So they, yes, I did not make it out of the group. Sorry to break up to you. There's a game where, so they're losing 2-0 to Brazil. There's a free kick and then they're lining up in a wall. And this must be like the last sort of 20 minutes of the game. So, you know, never had there been higher stakes really for the Zaire players. One of them, a defender called Mwepu Ilunga, just runs out before the whistle's gone, just boots the ball upfield. And the BBC spin this as like native confusion.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Doesn't know the rules.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Oh, doesn't know the rules. Now, I genuinely thought that's what this was until yesterday.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  At the World Cup.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  When I listened to a podcast and, oh no, it was because he was.

• 4:02Speaker 03

  Oh, this is brilliant. I love this native confusion story.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  No, because when I, I remember this from watching the FIFA sanctioned box set, History of the World Cup, when I was a kid. And, and Barry Davis goes, "Oh, bless him, he doesn't even know the rules," or whatever. But actually, it turns out he was just trying to save his own life.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  Time wasting.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  He was time wasting.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. Cause the other thing I heard, there was, he was like trying to humiliate Mabuti by, maybe by, by, maybe he's the one that went to FIFA and was like, "Yeah, I didn't, sorry, I didn't even know the rules."

• 4:31Speaker 01

  I reckon he would say.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  We stick this on the DVD box set.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Well, I, well, I believed that until yesterday. And so I guess it's not as funny.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Anyway, let's get to South America. 1978, Argentina. This is an absolute powder keg.

• 4:48Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  The Hiroshima of the invasion of Port Stanley is only four years away. One of many British Hiroshimas. I've lost count of how many Hiroshimas there's been in this series. So there's a military junta.

• 5:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  And these guys are-

• 5:03Speaker 03

  They're not good guys.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  They're not good guys. They're chucking left-wing students out of helicopters, which I do, to be fair, is quite funny. To get some New Cross Goldsmith students, "Right, out of the bin, fuck off." They, yeah, they're bad guys. Inflation in 1976 exceeds 560%.

• 5:25Speaker 03

  Because the Argentinean economy is just sort of like psychedelic at this point, right? It's kind of, they started off being quite a powerful, they're like a miracle of the South.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  And now it's just like inflation is an insane, it's just been spiralling for years now.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  And it doesn't really get better.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  In 1976, a bomb goes off in Buenos Aires on average every three hours. There was a political assassination every five hours. Every five hours is a political assassination.

• 5:52Speaker 04

  God, who's left?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Exactly. This is like the troubles on speed in Argentina.

• 5:58Speaker 03

  So this is like local councillors at this point, though. This can't be like the big dogs.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Yeah. They're bombing Jackie Weaver.

• 6:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  With the country completely ungovernable, the military junta come in, Jorge Vidaia, and they establish a regime which will, you know, will commit the original sin of invading our southern border, the Falkland Islands. They will also disappear an estimated 30,000 people.

• 6:21Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  But they inherit the World Cup from the previous government.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  And they think, this is probably, apart from Mussolini's World Cup, this is, I suppose, the most corrupt, the most dirty, the most sports washing.

• 6:34Speaker 03

  But the Argentinians would view 1966 as far worse than this, right?

• 6:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:38Speaker 04

  Because of the red card.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Because of the red card.

• 6:40Speaker 04

  The referee's decision.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. Because someone didn't understand the order to be sent off.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  They hadn't learnt English.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  That's the problem with that.

• 6:47Speaker 03

  But underneath the ground, aren't poets getting tortured literally while people are playing?

• 6:51Speaker 01

  No, no, exactly. When England lift the World Cup, there is not some left-wing students being thrown from a helicopter.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  Into the city.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  A celebration.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, so that was the swing in 60s. So they were loving it.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 7:04Speaker 02

  Primetime for left wing students.

• 7:06Speaker 01

  So this is also, I guess, this episode is Maradona's story.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  You know, Maradona doesn't play in the 78 World Cup.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  But he is, was he 17? He's too young to play. But this is, they're still a great team. They've got like Mario Kempes and Ozzy Ardeas. And they've got, they've got Cesar Manotti's their coach, who's like, maybe the thinnest man I've ever seen, just chain smoking.

• 7:29Speaker 03

  Then the dogs see the rabbit.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Let's have a look at Cesar Manotti. Charlie?

• 7:33Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:33Speaker 01

  It's Bruce Forsyth.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  Argentine Bruce Forsyth.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  He would just sit just chain smoking on the sidelines.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Is this when?

• 7:40Speaker 04

  I like that.

• 7:41Speaker 02

  When did Maradona fall in a cesspit?

• 7:44Speaker 04

  That was like when he was, he was a child. Cause he lives, cause he was a guy with a super poor upbringing, right?

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's a guy, he's like, yeah.

• 7:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, he fell, fell into a cesspit and almost drowned.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  So, so what is a cesspit in a literal sense?

• 7:55Speaker 02

  It's a huge sack of shit.

• 7:56Speaker 03

  You're the whole of Argentina's.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, do you mean he just? He just walked out of the door. He just fell over in, in, yeah. What, what, is that like?

• 8:03Speaker 02

  It's a tank of shit.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  It's a tank of shit.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  All the shit flows into.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  I don't know if it's even a tank. I think, I think it was just a pit. It was a pit. A hole, a hole in the ground.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  Didn't it happen to some girl at Glastonbury or something? She fell down into the loom, just swimming in it.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, loving it.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:15Speaker 03

  Swimming in implies she's loving it.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  It's like those French toilets. It's also known as the healing fields.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  So, okay, so if Maradona falls in a big pit of shit.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, so he doesn't go to the World Cup.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Is that his kind of Spider-Man?

• 8:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, Bill and Oregon story.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Does he get bitten by a radioactive turd?

• 8:32Speaker 02

  There's probably a lot of coke in the shit, it could explain it.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  That's why.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  He's wandering around the dark. He falls into a pit, was saved by his uncle Cirillo, jumps in and pulls him to safety. Famously urging your young child to keep your head above the shit.

• 8:44Speaker 03

  A sort of moral life lesson, I guess?

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  You're jumping in for a nephew?

• 8:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Nonsy, isn't it? A bit noncy to do that.

• 8:52Speaker 03

  Wait, would you arrest him immediately?

• 8:53Speaker 01

  Arrest Cirillo immediately.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  It was a test.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Yes, it was, and you failed. You failed. It's like the old witch test of the, uh.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  So, uh, but now there's also a whole thing about like Operation Condor, which was the American, uh, like sort of funding.

• 9:10Speaker 03

  CIA.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  CIA, Hunter.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  They're helping him out.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. So what is it? So Argentina need to beat Peru by at least four goals to reach the final 78. And then they end up winning 6-0 and there are all these allegations about whether it was fixed as part of a human exchange because Vidéia agrees to take and process, i.e. torture and chuck out the helicopter, 13 Peruvian dissidents in exchange for a favorable scoreline.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  From Peruvian government, yeah. Economic records suggest-

• 9:40Speaker 03

  It's quite funny calling it processing.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  It used to be process.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  I'm in data processing.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  You need to be processed properly.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. So Argentina allegedly ships 35,000 tonnes of grain to Peru and then they release $50 million of frozen assets after the game has been lost 6-0.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  So that's the exchange rate.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  That's the exchange rate, yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com, not authorised by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 10:31Speaker 05

  He built the first planet-wide media empire.

• 10:34Speaker 06

  He monetised the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.

• 10:39Speaker 05

  He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power and legacy.

• 10:43Speaker 06

  This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.

• 10:47Speaker 05

  Join me, Dorian Linsky.

• 10:49Speaker 06

  And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.

• 10:56Speaker 05

  That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  And then Kissinger, this is where Kissinger gets involved. Kissinger and Vidéia enter the Peruvian dressing room just beforehand. So Kissinger, I mean, this is like, he's just been bombing Cambodia.

• 11:13Speaker 03

  He's shaking hands.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  He's shaking hands, pressing the flesh.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, but Cambodia just needs to sign something away, doesn't it? Fuck off.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  This is post-Wazir Gate Kissinger. He's just, he's footprints, he's panther over everything.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  And is he kind of threatening them? That's the subtext, isn't it?

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, the subtext is that he's the puppet master.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Good luck, lads.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Peruvian captain later recalled it felt like a silent threat disguised as a diplomatic greeting.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Leaving the players unsettled, wondering whether the high- ranking officials weren't visiting the home team instead. There you go.

• 11:41Speaker 04

  Is that quite a good deal though for Peru? What was it, 50 million in assets? And you get rid of those.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  Quite a lot of grain as well.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  You probably weren't going to win the tournament.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Level six.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  And you get rid of the distance.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  This is pre Nobu Solano.

• 11:51Speaker 04

  It's like, um.

• 11:52Speaker 03

  Who's Nobu Solano?

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Peruvian legend.

• 11:55Speaker 04

  Newcastle winger.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  It's like the only Peruvian guy.

• 11:59Speaker 04

  Kevin Paddington Bear.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's all Peru have got. You never heard of Nobu Solano?

• 12:03Speaker 03

  No.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  Fuck it up.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  Norberto Solano.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  You can't.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Newcastle legend.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Norberto, to give him his, like, Norberto style.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Norberto Solano.

• 12:11Speaker 04

  Name another Nobu.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  Holder.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Norberto, Norberto Holder.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  But this, this, this deal is a bit like, you know, when Brittany Griner, that, that women's NBA player got arrested in the US for, no, sorry, in Russia. She had a, she had like a weed vape on her and she was detained. It was like around the time of the Ukraine war and they were using, basically holding her hostage.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  Sure, sure.

• 12:33Speaker 04

  And they eventually got her released by exchanging her for a Russian arms dealer called the merchant of death.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  I remember this.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  The merchant of death. The merchant of death. It was like, we'll give you, you give you, you give us back our.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  WNBA player.

• 12:45Speaker 04

  WNBA player.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  What's worse?

• 12:46Speaker 04

  The merchant of death. We'll give you back the merchant of death.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:52Speaker 03

  What's more damaging to the world?

• 12:55Speaker 01

  Tomato, tomato, tomato.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  Abramovich gets him out.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 04

  He strikes that deal.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  So this is also the World Cup where the guy who had spent however many millions of pounds on the stadiums, who had organised it, gets blown up in a car bomb hours before the tournament starts.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  Now, was that a suicide?

• 13:16Speaker 01

  We don't know. We don't know.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  Cameras are off.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  I think he was killing himself.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Much like Pickles the dog, we don't know. I think he just, yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 04

  If there's a car bomb going off every three hours, then it was bound to happen, right?

• 13:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true.

• 13:27Speaker 04

  It's just the odd law of averages.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  To be fair, I do think car bomb as a suicide method is fucking hilarious. It should be used more.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  Would you do it as a button or a timed one? Because if you time it 20 minutes, you just sit there.

• 13:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Well, that, all that is, is just dad outside his house waiting in the car and then the thing explodes.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  You can also pick who you want to traumatising.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Yes. Drive through.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  You're going to say.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Six chicken to lecks and a Big Mac, please. Not quick enough!

• 13:59Speaker 01

  It's called fast food for a reason. Bang! I'd love that. That'd be absolutely brilliant.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Just traumatise some poor McDonald's employee. Next window, please. Bang. Fuck it up. Yeah, so Kissinger is the guest of honour at the tournament. So, I mean, this absolutely stinks, this one.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  It stinks like the cesspit Narodona was founded.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Marel is drowning in shit, so is the tournament. Johan Cruyff doesn't even travel because there's been a kidnapping attempt on his family, is that right?

• 14:28Speaker 02

  He says.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:30Speaker 02

  The theory is his wife won't let him after the...

• 14:32Speaker 01

  After he was fucking everyone since he was four years old. Four-year doghouse. How is he not Cruyff turning out the doghouse? Why isn't his wife, like, running up the pitch like that?

• 14:43Speaker 03

  She thinks you're Netherlands, you Cruyff turn.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  He's on the plane and his wife's just stood there like, "Where's your..."

• 14:50Speaker 03

  Ankle breaker.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  God. This is where friend of the pod, Joseph Mengele...

• 14:57Speaker 03

  Doctor.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Doctor. I apologise. Sorry, can I just do this on the... I apologise to Mengele and his family. The Nazi war criminal.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  Doctors, we support health workers.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Support this nation's doctors, okay? I'm on the balcony bashing pots and pans for Dr Joseph Mengele.

• 15:17Speaker 03

  But first, do no harm.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 15:21Speaker 03

  There's a hypocritical oath that all doctors agree to.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Yep. The original key worker, Dr Joseph Mengele, is rumoured to have sat with the hunter during the final. Now, our listeners are very, very thick. They might not know...

• 15:37Speaker 03

  They're ugly as well.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  They're very ugly and fat. Joseph Mengele... Joseph Mengele, now, what was the women's basketball player called? The Angel of Death? So, he's the Angel of Death.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 15:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 15:50Speaker 01

  So, I guess that'd be like a women's ice hockey player.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  There's a difference. The Merchant of Death, you know, that's grubby, that's financial. The Angel of Death, that's holy love.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  Angel of Death sounds great, yeah.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  He was the guy in the concentration camps who was doing Nazi experiments.

• 16:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, freestyling.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  Basement jazz.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  So he's rumored to have been guest of honour at the, that's how dirty this is.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Because he's the one that actually got away.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  He's the Nazi that genuinely.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  The one that got away.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  He is the one that got away. Eichmann tragically, illegally.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  It was illegal.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Illegal to extract Eichmann back to Jerusalem.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  He did nothing illegal in Argentina.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  He was.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  He was very law abiding.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  Upholding system, yeah.

• 16:31Speaker 03

  So it is a disgrace.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  And Israel need to pay for their.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  Just a statue. Yes. Yeah. We need to, we'll deal with Israel now when we get to it, but there's a backlog of Israeli crimes.

• 16:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, we need a tribunal.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  We need the Eichmann trial trial, where we put judges on trial.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  Yes, but statute of limitations surely apply.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 16:50Speaker 03

  That was ages ago.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  20 years ago. Can a man not change? What's happened to forgiveness in this age of cancel culture? Anyway.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  Was he just like an upstanding citizen in Argentina then?

• 17:03Speaker 03

  He was very boring.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  Eichmann had a family and he.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  You could set your watch by him because he'd turn up at the bus stop at the same time.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Who's watch was it is the point that they're making.

• 17:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  But yeah, he would say, he worked, he worked in a Mercedes factory and he didn't even want a promotion. You know?

• 17:17Speaker 02

  I mean.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  Well, he's a humble guy.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  He just wanted to live his life for this family. And is that a crime?

• 17:23Speaker 01

  A straight man with a mortgage.

• 17:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Extradited by the Israelis. Oh, it's sickening. Absolutely sickening. Anyway, Joseph Mengele is a hero who lives free in Argentina and is invited to watch the 78 file allegedly.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  Are they sort of Nazis as well, the Hunter?

• 17:40Speaker 03

  I think they, it's more, it's irrelevant.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 03

  Well, it's more like you're a Nazi. It's like, all right, mate. Don't need to fucking.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Argentina famously don't mind about Nazis.

• 17:49Speaker 02

  So they're just into him for his medical work.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  For them, they're small talking. He explains the entirety of the Holocaust. He goes, all right.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Oh, cool. All right.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  It's like Dr Phil.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  So that's why you were banned from the 1950s all? All right, fine.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, so it was a Holocaust thing. No, he was, he was telling me he's Holocausted. Yeah, he did the Holocaust.

• 18:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I studied history at uni.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  So what's all this stuff about the Netherlands ties with Israel made a referee unsuitable for this for the final?

• 18:18Speaker 02

  They've got an Israeli ref.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Well, that is with Mengele in the crowd, that's a disgrace. Come on, come on. Red rag to a bull.

• 18:24Speaker 03

  It's going to trigger him.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. He's got a lot of, a lot of trauma. And that Israeli ref is taking him right back to some of his darkest days.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  One of his best mates got X-shod by the Israeli government.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  In Argentina, in Argentina of all places.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I guess male mental health wasn't a big thing.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  This is before mental, we should place 1978, it's before male mental health.

• 18:45Speaker 03

  I don't know, when is the key male mental health moment? Is it, is it when Tyson Fury does a documentary about having, being sad? What's the kind of the moment where male mental health?

• 18:54Speaker 01

  It takes Alistair Campbell's rehabilitation from war criminal to podcaster, probably.

• 18:58Speaker 03

  Actually, it was mental health.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Actually, I was, I was depressed. Fine, okay, fine.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  No, there must be like a defining moment for men's mental health. Was it a show?

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Isn't it the Oasis reunion last summer, isn't it?

• 19:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, that's the end of it. That's when it was cured.

• 19:12Speaker 01

  It's cured now, of course, every man is fine. Anyway, so they protest that there's an Israeli ref and so the FIFA, to be fair, it hears them and says, you're right, let's put Natalia instead.

• 19:27Speaker 01

  Argentina's players walk off the pitch with seven minutes. The crowd is chanting, what's, what's the thing with the, so like literally next to the stadium, there is the disappearing.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  Jail.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Jail.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  You can hear the crowd.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  That sounds like an amazing event.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Sorry, it's not the disappearing jail.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  The disappearing jail.

• 19:45Speaker 02

  Secret cinema.

• 19:46Speaker 03

  With the magnificent Dr Joseph Mengele.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  And his marvelous medicine.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  So yeah, just 700 metres away, the people are being tortured in the Navy School of Mechanics.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  So is that because the crowd drowns it out? It's quite a useful.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, but maybe also the prisoners.

• 20:04Speaker 03

  Or is it just so much torturing you can't escape?

• 20:06Speaker 02

  And football stadiums are good for that sort of caper, aren't they?

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then prisoners are hearing the chanting and the guards are like, yeah, that's for our regime.

• 20:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  Right.

• 20:16Speaker 04

  Ah, okay.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  They're tortured, they're laughing at you.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:21Speaker 03

  They're showing pictures of your tiny knob and they're going, yeah, that's small.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  So people are being tortured while, and the photo, can you get the photo, Charlie, of the ticker tape at the end of the 78th? When Argentina win the final, it's like you can hardly see what's going on, the amount of white and blue ticker tape that comes out. It's glorious.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  All right, I didn't know where you were going.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  No, it's pretty amazing.

• 20:42Speaker 04

  Animals.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  It's a bit new money.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  Torturing.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  It's pretty amazing.

• 20:46Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  So Netherlands gets the final again.

• 20:49Speaker 03

  We slagged Argentina off a lot, but to be fair, the ticker tape usage, we're a big fan of. We've got to be fair.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  Astonishing usage.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Don't just make late, I don't think that's probably not cricket.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  None of our business, none of our business.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  The ticker tape, we're a big fan of, so fair play.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  So again, this is, so this is Holland without Cruyff in their kind of the end of the.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  So they made back to back finals.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, and they lose both times and then they win.

• 21:12Speaker 03

  Van Bobbles later, much later.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  That's 2010. But they're not, the Dutch are not playing total football in 2010. It's awful stuff.

• 21:20Speaker 04

  Dirk Kout.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, Dirk Kout's playing.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a real like, yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Is Dirk Kout the ugliest man? Discuss.

• 21:27Speaker 03

  Wait, hold on, let's get Dirk Kout up.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  I mean, even the name.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  He's got lovely blonde hair.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Is that what?

• 21:33Speaker 03

  No, no, if we're doing ugly footballers, he's not scratching the side.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  He looks a little bit like he.

• 21:36Speaker 03

  Oof, let's not go, just come on.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 21:39Speaker 04

  He looks a little bit like something out of Lord of the Rings.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  Come on, nothing close to Joleon Lescot, Frank Ribery.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Not Dutch.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Are you saying ugliest Dutch football?

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Did you say Dutch football?

• 21:50Speaker 01

  I said the ugliest man.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Frank Ribery.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, but these men are scarred.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  Oh, is that?

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 21:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think the scar does a lot for him.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  I think he is.

• 21:59Speaker 03

  No, because Frank Ribery's going like this, no, it's I got scarred. It's like, take the scar away.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, same, same result.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, same result.

• 22:05Speaker 04

  I actually think Bobby Charlton's got to be up there with that.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  Can I get Bobby Charlton up? Hold up, he's got a heroic 22 year old hairline. Look at this.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 22:16Speaker 04

  He's pretty nobly. I, yeah. I mean, just that comb over.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  As a 29 year old, as a 29 year old with a comb over.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  We have lost that as a society.

• 22:26Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  This is pre going to Turkey, all that stuff.

• 22:29Speaker 03

  That's not a woke hairline, that, that is.

• 22:31Speaker 01

  That man has got right wing views.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  Anyway, so Argentina win the 78 World Cup, which absolutely stinks.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  And this sort of starts, well, continues a tradition of complete Latin American shithousery.

• 22:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  So let's get to Maradona. Born in, what, on an onion farm or something?

• 22:55Speaker 04

  Cespit, wasn't it?

• 22:55Speaker 01

  Born in a Cespit.

• 22:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Lived his life in a Cespit.

• 22:58Speaker 04

  Argentina.

• 22:59Speaker 01

  Born in a shanty town in Buenos Aires. And you guys have done Maradona, right?

• 23:04Speaker 04

  Oh, big time.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:04Speaker 04

  Done a few. Yeah. I mean, there's the coke, obviously.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I suppose, well, we'll get to 82, but when did he go to Napoli and start really hammering it?

• 23:14Speaker 04

  80, I think he went to 84.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:16Speaker 04

  It was a bit before that he got into coke.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  He gets into it in Barcelona, doesn't he?

• 23:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, because he was playing at Barcelona and like wasn't, I think he got a bad injury or something there? And got really into gear.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  Right.

• 23:27Speaker 04

  Like, apparently there was a journalist that went around to his house when he was out injured and went in. It was just like 11am, 11am on a Tuesday. It's just like Scarface, just like they're, they're, they had a ping pong table with just like mounds of cocaine.

• 23:40Speaker 03

  And I guess.

• 23:41Speaker 04

  So many great times.

• 23:41Speaker 03

  If we talk about the cultural differences, I guess, especially from your sort of Calvinist upbringing, this is something you won't be able to relate to. Maradona had a close relationship with his immediate family.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  Disgraceful.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. He spent a minimum of $15,000 a month calling his parents and siblings.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Calling, calling, on the bar and mobile, how are you racking up that kind of money, calling your parents?

• 24:01Speaker 03

  I don't know if you can relate to calling your, your, you, so basically you.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  I'm saving $15,000 a month on not speaking to my family.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  So you calling your sister nine hours a day, racking up the bills?

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Fucking hell. That's a waste of time.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  What are they even chatting about at that point? Surely, like, he's on a lot of gear at this point as well.

• 24:23Speaker 03

  I guess that's why he's got a lot to chat about. Business like this.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  So he's like, he's from a 12 year old, he's like, he's unbelievable, Maradona. He is probably the most naturally talented player ever to play.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  He's my goat. Yeah, he's the most fun. He's the most fun. Character as well.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  Because I guess the big comparison obviously is Messi, but Messi was mad enough without the gear, I guess. Well, he was sort of doing it without.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  He had the hormone injections. It's not quite as fun.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I guess because Messi wasn't banging coke. Maradona did this all on shit pitches while banging coke and brasses.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  And also had the build of a darts player. That's what's funny about it. It's John Belushi cartwheeling in The Blues Brothers.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  He scores the greatest goal of all time, all time, while having a BMI of 40.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  But I mean, one of the great documentaries is the film about Maradona by the guy that did the Amy Winehouse. I always forget the director's name. And they show this footage of this cycle he got into at Napoli where he's like, he'd be training for three days. He'd win a game single-handedly and then go out on a sort of coke and booze mafia field, four day bender. Not sleep. Then basically the next day on a Thursday, treadmill, oxygen mask.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Wrapped in cling film sometimes?

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:40Speaker 02

  Wrapped in bin bags.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Wrapped in bin bags.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Sweating the sweat out.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  And start the whole cycle again. That's basically how Charlie produced this podcast.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  He's in a bin bag now, just whipping out back there. Asif Kapadia, that's his name. Anyway.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  That's a great dog. There's another story. The book The Doc is based on has a story that Maradona did coke in the Pope's bathroom.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  In the Vatican.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 26:05Speaker 02

  He went on all, he was meeting the Pope and he went on an all night bender the night before and his agent was like, come on, mate, rein it in. But he stayed out. And according to his agent, he demanded to go into the Pope's bog and just put one away.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Amazing.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  Doing lines in the, that's the most.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  Racking it up on the marble.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  It's the most Catholic thing I've ever heard, doing cocaine in the Pope's bathroom.

• 26:23Speaker 04

  But you would like, because for that trip, I think he got invited and his family's all Catholic. It's quite a big honour. So all his mum and dad and he's been on the phone for them constantly. They know about us. They come over and they're at the hotel and you know, you think you're like, you've seen the Pope tomorrow. It's probably an early night, probably, but it's not his bag.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  In 1985, the Pope invited Diego Maradona to the Vatican to promote an anti-drug campaign.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  I mean, absolutely hilarious.

• 26:48Speaker 04

  I didn't know it was an anti-drug campaign as well.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  Was it more like, look at, look at the state of this?

• 26:52Speaker 04

  Yeah. Oh, you want to drugs, do you?

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Well, he's not a great face fan of drugs because it's more like, if I do loads of coke, will I be Maradona? That's brilliant. He's like the face of cocaine. Yeah.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  So now his first World Cup is 1982, which is in Spain, which has just transitioned.

• 27:12Speaker 03

  From Franco.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  From Franco to democracy.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  So.

• 27:18Speaker 03

  They're still firing their feet.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  The main, the main crisis that the tournament is defined by.

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Britain's southern border.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  Britain's southern border has been breached.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  The Argentines, as if it wasn't enough with their hosting a final.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  A barge with the Argies.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  Yep. It is overshadowed by the British Hiroshima and the British Nagasaki. The invasion of the Falklands Islands in April 1982.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  A century defining war crime.

• 27:44Speaker 04

  Yes. Biggest, biggest injustice to any century.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  We live in the shadow of the Falkland Islands to this day, as we've said. The British government have to consider if they would participate in a supporting event alongside the aggressor.

• 27:56Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah, it's a tough question to ask.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  There were calls for a boycott, as there would be. But then Thatcher goes, well, hang on, that's not, if we boycott, then you're basically giving it.

• 28:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  They've won, haven't they? So Thatcher says, well, it'd be good for morale. So they send, look at her there, resplendent, holding a football.

• 28:14Speaker 03

  Sports washing, that's great.

• 28:15Speaker 04

  Kevin Keegan on the left. It's a great trend.

• 28:17Speaker 03

  Like Brian May.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  So now in 82, Maradona gets kicked to shit. Is 82 where there's a photo of him going through the Belgian team? There's an iconic photo, is that 86?

• 28:29Speaker 04

  Weaving.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, there's a, there's a photo of all the Belgian defenders and he's like.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  He gets kicked a lot.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Yes. 23 fouls committed against him in one game.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  And so what had happened in the Falklands is that Maradona thinks he's playing for the boys. And the Hunter in Argentina have put out like a news blackout. So everyone thinks it's going very well. It's only when the team get to Spain, they read Spanish newspapers and they go, oh, right, Port Stanley has fallen. So he's 21, he's fully grown, 5'5", and he makes his debut distracted by the true nature of the Falklands disaster. From his perspective, they lose 1-0 to Belgium. The next day, June 14th, Port Stanley falls and Argentinians surrender. Rejoice.

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Rejoice, rejoice.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  The world is saved. Is it during the tournament that it's all, you know, the sun front page, the gotcha? When they think the Belgrano, is that during the World Cup?

• 29:34Speaker 01

  Allegedly, allegedly.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  There's no CCTV for that 15 minutes. The cameras were turned off for that 15 minutes.

• 29:40Speaker 01

  Belgrano had a hole in it.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  Gotcha.

• 29:43Speaker 03

  Oh, your junta.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I suppose this is all leading into the jingo is it's a World Cup summer. I mean, the tabloids are never more rabid than if there's the World Cup. Right. So if there's a war on as well.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the sun at there, absolutely.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's peak sun. So yeah, Maradona, now is this the World Cup where we get to the second group stage? There's two group stages.

• 30:03Speaker 04

  There are some weird ones, are there?

• 30:04Speaker 02

  We have a shit World Cup, don't we?

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Well, you say that, but we have just recovered the Falklands. So I think that needs to be put into the context of this shit World Cup.

• 30:11Speaker 03

  We saved the world. No one gave us any credit.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, no.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Three world wars.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  We stood alone.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Thank you, Jack. Three world wars.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  But also we stood alone.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Again, we stand alone.

• 30:20Speaker 03

  You know, the world expects us to be the global policeman for them.

• 30:24Speaker 01

  It's not tenable. We're stretched, you know? We've sorted out Germany, we've sorted out Korea, and now you're asking to sort out the Falklands. I mean, guys, what is the UN for if it's not to sort out the Falklands? So yeah, as I said, Maradona gets kicked to shit and by a guy called Claudio Gentia, who's, is he, I don't know, he's Belgian or something. When told he was playing too aggressively, Gentia said, football is not for ballerinas.

• 30:50Speaker 04

  Not so, not so Gentia after all.

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Our lovely stuff. Our ballerinas doing coke in a Pope's bathroom. That's my.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  Maradona gets sent off in a game against Brazil in their final match for violently kicking Brazilian midfielder Batista in the groin, which you can see a photo of there. Yeah, that's not cricket.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  It was retaliation.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  It's not Dave Bautista.

• 31:13Speaker 02

  Right, Batista the wrestler.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Not him. So, but as you say, in the 80s, he then moves to Napoli in, what, 82?

• 31:19Speaker 03

  Wait, hold on, who won that World Cup then?

• 31:21Speaker 01

  Is it Germany?

• 31:22Speaker 02

  What year was it?

• 31:22Speaker 01

  82.

• 31:24Speaker 02

  Was it Italy?

• 31:26Speaker 01

  It's Italy. No.

• 31:27Speaker 03

  Do we go out the group stage?

• 31:28Speaker 01

  There's a second group stage that we go out. Brian Robson.

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the Houseman Jody Pack dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 32:02Speaker 05

  He built the first planet-wide media empire.

• 32:05Speaker 06

  He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit.

• 32:10Speaker 05

  He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power and legacy.

• 32:14Speaker 06

  This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.

• 32:18Speaker 05

  Join me, Dorian Linsky.

• 32:20Speaker 06

  And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present.

• 32:26Speaker 05

  That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  Plays. We lose to Spain or draw against them? Anyway, it's not. We have a terrific kit at 82. That's the Admiral one.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  That now has been resold and the most boring cunts in the world buy, so it's ruined the kit. But so let's talk about Maradona in the 80s in Napoli. You guys have done extensive research on Maradona.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I mentioned the cocaine use, but he dodged it with a fake penis. Because obviously you've got to take drug tests in the 80s.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  So he had a thing, apparently quite big.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  Prosthetic.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  The thing is, if you're going to get a prosthetic cock.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  To dodge drugs test, you're gonna make it, you make it a biggie.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, no one asks for a small one.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Well, it's gonna be, it's gonna be realistic.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. You can't be pulling out a massive fake schlong.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  I mean, maybe.

• 33:16Speaker 03

  Well, I don't know, it's more like in snooker, when you get the, the big one out. That's what I'd want.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  It's just like a, a big rest.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  A big cock to put your other cock.

• 33:24Speaker 03

  And it's not cheating to do that in snooker, it's just sometimes you can't reach across the table. It's just like, it's a step up.

• 33:29Speaker 04

  You need one of those.

• 33:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:30Speaker 04

  To put your cock up when you're going for a piss.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  But he, he fills it with like baby urine or something.

• 33:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Where's he getting that from?

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Home.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Right. See, he sort of, he sort of takes his son's piss to do drug tests. It's sort of Brian Johnson-esque, isn't it? Comparing his, comparing erections.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  In a way.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  Brian Johnson compares erections with his son.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  There's a link with, for him and Maradona, I guess, but they live quite, they have quite different philosophies.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  Very different lives.

• 33:53Speaker 02

  Have you seen Brian Johnson's latest, that he's measuring his girlfriend's vaginal pH?

• 33:56Speaker 01

  Well, thank God someone is.

• 33:58Speaker 02

  The new KPI.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  So is he getting one of those pieces of paper, sticking it in and it's turning purple?

• 34:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  Checking the oil.

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. You've got to.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  You've got to change the oil of the oil.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Apparently she's top one percent.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  Sorry?

• 34:09Speaker 02

  Top one percent of vaginas.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  So imagine if she wasn't.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  For acidity?

• 34:12Speaker 01

  In pH terms.

• 34:14Speaker 04

  Do you want acidity or alkaline?

• 34:16Speaker 02

  I guess you want the neutral, don't you? You want to be six on the scale.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  No, that's water.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  You want slight acidity, I think.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Slight acidity.

• 34:23Speaker 04

  Whatever, she's got the best one.

• 34:24Speaker 07

  You want it to be some, somewhere between 3.8 and 4.5.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Yes, you want it to be quite.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Is that a vagina or water?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  That alkaline or is that acidity?

• 34:31Speaker 07

  That is.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Acidic.

• 34:32Speaker 07

  Highly acidic, which naturally prevents the overgrowth of harmful bacteria.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  There's a, there's a vinegriness to it.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Vinegar. It's a white wine vinegar.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  A sharpness.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  Yes, it's, it, you don't want a raw apple cider vinegar with bits of it.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 34:44Speaker 03

  But you want a bit of sharpness. You don't want basteri acid.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  You don't want to compoot your mother down there. All right? You want, um.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  Sausage, sausage, vinegar.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. Bit of balsamic to just sort of drizzle over the bottom of it.

• 34:55Speaker 07

  In the days leading up to your period, your, um, your vaginal environment slightly becomes more alkaline, apparently.

• 35:01Speaker 03

  Your vaginal environment?

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Your vaginal envi, is that my house?

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Your ecosystem.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  My vaginal environment becomes more alkaline. Interesting.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Anyway, so he fills it with.

• 35:10Speaker 07

  More yoghurt.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Fills it with, with baby urine and then just does the tests. And they just think that's him. Mike Tyson did it as well, didn't he?

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 03

  It's a classic.

• 35:20Speaker 02

  It's called the Wizardator. This device is big in the eighties.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  So it must be the precursor to the Shiwei.

• 35:24Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. I think they've been repurposed.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  So now they're stopping the, how do they get around that now?

• 35:28Speaker 02

  I think now you have, maybe you have to do it in front of them or.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  So hang on, Billy.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Well, maybe someone has to have a little tug on it just to make sure. Like, like checking for wigs or anything.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, quick search.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  But if he's using a fake penis, he must be doing it in the same room as the person running the test.

• 35:42Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. Cause he does it after the, oh, what, jumping ahead, I won't say.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Oh, he wears a fake penis all day.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe that's it.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  It ends, anyway, it ends up in a museum and then someone breaks in and nicks it and it's never been found.

• 35:53Speaker 01

  Well, Pickles is dead.

• 35:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. Of course.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  I smell a rat.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  I smell a rat. So, uh, yeah. So in Napoli, he goes mental. He gets in with the mafia. He's doing coke. He becomes a kind of hero.

• 36:06Speaker 03

  Of Napoli, he's still.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  He's still, he's basically god in Napoli.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  I think it's the most romantic player club combo.

• 36:11Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Cause obviously they win the league under him, which they haven't done.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. I don't think they'd ever want it, no. No.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  And the UEFA Cup, I think he leads as well.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  The Wizardator, the original synthetic urine product.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  Original.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can still get them now.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Oh, my days.

• 36:25Speaker 03

  Discreet. Yeah, not that discreet. Let's go a bit more.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Just touch and go. So, but is this a company that sells this for, to fake a drug test?

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'm not, who's falling for that?

• 36:37Speaker 01

  No other prosthetic synthetic urine device or fake dildo matches the Wizardator.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  Or fake dildo.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  It's a multi-purpose. It's a Swiss army knife of a gadget.

• 36:47Speaker 01

  Okay. Shout out to our partner.

• 36:50Speaker 07

  Black, brown, Latino, tan or white.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 36:52Speaker 03

  Let's have a look at, um, oh, Latino. What's Latino?

• 36:55Speaker 02

  That's Maradona.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  That is not a, that's not for anyone. If I pulled that out at a drug test.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  I think Maradona could.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  Latino.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  I reckon that's.

• 37:04Speaker 03

  Let's see how, let's see how white white goes.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Because it's, yeah, even the whitest.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  To be fair, they've nailed it. They've nailed it. They are, they know what they're doing. So that's an extraordinary company. That's our partner for this episode, the Wizardator Touch.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  What's the RRP on one of them?

• 37:22Speaker 01

  $129.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  $129?

• 37:25Speaker 03

  It's steep, but you know.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  If that gets you to keep your job at Napoli.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  Shout out Wizardator.

• 37:31Speaker 07

  And they also do, they do flashlights as well.

• 37:33Speaker 01

  Of course they do.

• 37:34Speaker 03

  They do a whole range of stuff.

• 37:36Speaker 02

  So is this website, is it a sex thing or a drug test?

• 37:40Speaker 07

  No, I don't think it's drugs.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  Just chuck in a flashlight. Because Baradona was doing a lot of shagging then as well. He wasn't flash lighting. And apparently, according to one mistress in Napoli, his thing was he liked to suck their big toe.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, makes sense.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  He's a wrong one. He's an absolute wrong one.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  It's unusual.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  For a footballer, maybe that's his.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  I reckon, I reckon Chris Sutton and Gareth Southgate are flash lighting before games.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Yep. I said no shagging's allowed, but you can flash light.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  You can flash light, yes.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  Yes. With your socks on.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  Full kit, full kit, shin pads, flashlight.

• 38:11Speaker 03

  As quickly as possible. It's about my relationship with my own flashlight.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  One of my favourite videos is Gareth Southgate when they talk about, they're interviewing all the Villa team about the drinks. The drinks, yeah. And they're all like, oh yeah, I have 10 pints in the week. I like a rum and coke. And he gets to Southgate and he goes, well, I mainly drink water, but on the weekend, I'll have a couple of pints.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  I like water and stuff like that. Stuff like that.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  Hugo Aghyogs doing Guinness, 10 Guinnesses or whatever.

• 38:37Speaker 07

  Has how you approach foreplay changed with marriage or does it?

• 38:41Speaker 01

  How I approach foreplay?

• 38:42Speaker 07

  Does it?

• 38:43Speaker 03

  Tactically, strategically.

• 38:45Speaker 07

  Is it more kind of no nonsense or is it more?

• 38:48Speaker 01

  I suppose I have got more Sam Allardyce, yeah, I think.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Whereas you used to be more total football in the 70s.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  I was a dutchman in the bedroom. I was a dutchman in the bedroom, yeah, of course, switching positions.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Sombrero flick.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  An overload on the right wing. You've got another guy from the...

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Where's he come from? Yep, that's, that's, yeah, that's a hired help, yep. Substitutions, but no, now it's pretty much.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  It's meat and potatoes stuff.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  It's gone back to the 30s already.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  I mean, the ideal goal will be from a goal kick, two touches.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  The perfect game.

• 39:19Speaker 03

  Bang, touch, bang.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  The perfect game ends 0-0. Neither of us are coming. Neither of us are coming.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  No one comes. We're going to go, we're going to sleep.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  It's possession based, technically. Hold on to it.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Hold on to the orgasm. Don't let them have a, don't let them have a, they can't have one if you have one.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  You've got a man mark.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  If you have one, they can't have one.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  Cut as early as possible.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  And then they can't have one.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  And then you win.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  And you shut up shop.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Get it into the corner flag. But that means shove your dick in a toe or something. No, no.

• 39:49Speaker 03

  Run the clock down.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  Wind it down. Maradona becomes great friends with Fidel Castro in 1886.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  They're similar fellows though, I think they have a similar approach to life.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  Is that a fellow of him with bleached hair? Christ, I didn't know he had it. He's got a massive tattoo of Che Guevara on his arm.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  This is quite a big coke face, the bleached hair.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  It's quite large though.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  So Maradona is a...

• 40:09Speaker 03

  But he's got a godlike, um, he's got, can you get off the screen?

• 40:14Speaker 07

  Fidel Astro.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  It's not good. It's not good.

• 40:18Speaker 07

  Does it not work?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  It does not work.

• 40:21Speaker 03

  Get that off the screen.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Fidel Astro.

• 40:24Speaker 07

  Fiddle Astro.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  It does not work. Fiddle Astro.

• 40:28Speaker 02

  Fiddle Astro.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  But also, we didn't say he was having anal, so it doesn't link.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  It doesn't make sense. Charlie put on the screen, did Fidel Castro like anal?

• 40:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:38Speaker 01

  Because he wanted us to set him up for a pun that was Fidel Arstro.

• 40:42Speaker 03

  But yeah, there was no tidbit or fact that Fidel liked anal.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  He's pissing himself out there. Absolute idiot.

• 40:48Speaker 07

  It doesn't not work.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  It does not work.

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Fidel Castrate, maybe? Not even.

• 40:53Speaker 03

  But it's not related to anything.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Nothing we were talking about, anyway.

• 40:55Speaker 03

  Fidel Castro came in this story about five seconds.

• 40:58Speaker 01

  Let's get, let's get to 86. Now, in 86, Colombia were meant to host the World Cup, but their economy went through the floor because of the, like, the FARC, drug wars.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  The FARC?

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Fucking hell, mate.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  What's going on here?

• 41:10Speaker 01

  What the fuck? What the fucking hell, mate? What do they call it?

• 41:14Speaker 03

  We've got no fucking money.

• 41:18Speaker 03

  What's the FARC?

• 41:19Speaker 01

  It's called FARC, isn't it?

• 41:20Speaker 03

  FARC?

• 41:22Speaker 02

  Country is FARC.

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Fuck this, man. Ah, fuck, I'm gonna bust.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  Fucking hell, we can't, well, we've got no fucking stadiums.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  Fuck.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  With a C.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Colombia, they, so they're the...

• 41:33Speaker 03

  What is it, what is it?

• 41:34Speaker 07

  It's the guerrillas.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  It's the guerrilla, it's the drug, the guerrilla army and stuff. Anyway, uh...

• 41:39Speaker 03

  Fucking hell.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  They...

• 41:42Speaker 01

  It's the first, it's the first time that a company, first time a country's won the World Cup and then resigned from hosting it, because they just couldn't do it. So Mexico, Mexico take it again. And

• 41:53Speaker 03

  I quite rate that though. Oh, please, can I have it? Do you want it? No.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  I can't do it mate, it's too fucking hot.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Is it another iconic not today?

• 42:01Speaker 01

  It is another iconic, one of the first iconic not todays was the Egyptians in 1930.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Missing the boat.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  Missed the boat, not today.

• 42:08Speaker 03

  Not this month.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  No, not this month, not this World Cup. And then again, yep, Colombia can't handle it. So

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Can you put it on? I can't be bothered. Can you do it?

• 42:19Speaker 01

  I thought we have to do it, that was so hot. Now, Mexico had a massive earthquake just before Mexico, 5,000 people died. And then the Mexican government basically used the World Cup to mask their own failures.

• 42:33Speaker 03

  This is every World Cup, pretty much.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  In disaster relief, yeah. So the key geopolitical tension is in the quarterfinal between England and Argentina. This is like dad lore.

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Yes. My dad still goes on about it. My dad calls Maradona a fucking cheating bastard.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. My dad and my uncle, they would still talk about this. In the same conversation about like the war, did they talk about this as if they fought

• 42:58Speaker 03

  As if it was a thing from the war.

• 43:00Speaker 01

  Them watching this was like them fighting on a D-Day bitch. No, you don't get it. You didn't see it. I could see on live, he touched it, live. So Argentina, this is retribution for the Falklands, right. Whereas for England, it's just, you know, surely it's retribution for us. I mean, you fucking invaded. Maradona said in his autobiography, it was like beating a country, not a football team. Although we had said before the game, football had nothing to do with the Malvinas War, we knew they'd killed a lot of Argentine boys there, killed them like little birds. And this was revenge. You started it.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  Get off our southern border, okay? So, uh, now, there were tensions from the off, right? Within the crowd, people are like, I mean, we're going for it.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Well, this is what the World Cup's all about, though, isn't it?

• 43:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  Fighting a war on a football pitch.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Well, that's what Jules Romaine, who founded it, it fought in the First World War and he was trying to make a cipher of war.

• 43:59Speaker 04

  It's like an outlet.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, it's another theatre of war.

• 44:02Speaker 03

  It's another theatre of war.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. Let's open up a new front.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, you completely misunderstood it, Jules. Fuck off.

• 44:07Speaker 04

  It's about reinforcing existing wars.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly, yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 04

  I think Carlos Tevez's dad, or uncle, was at, was at, was fought in the Falklands. And as a result, Tevez refused to ever learn English when he was at Man United.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  Lived in England for like nine years, just never heard it.

• 44:25Speaker 01

  He was a spy.

• 44:25Speaker 03

  I mean, Tevez is kind of quite a fascinating player, right? Because he seemed to hate football.

• 44:29Speaker 04

  But we're talking ugly players.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  He's pretty hideous.

• 44:31Speaker 03

  He's pretty hideous. Uh, he loved going to Disneyland.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's a simpleton.

• 44:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, but he just like, would, he just hated football. He never seemed to, even though he was an unbelievable player, he just hated playing.

• 44:43Speaker 04

  He loves Peaky Blinders. That's the one time he'll speak English, is to say, by order of the Peaky Blinders.

• 44:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  So there are these two iconic moments in the same game.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  The first is that, uh, there's a, someone kicks the ball in the air.

• 44:58Speaker 02

  Steve Hodge.

• 44:59Speaker 01

  Uh, and then Maradona fucking punches it into the goal.

• 45:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:02Speaker 02

  And Maradona is five foot five and Peter Shilton in goal is over six foot.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  And he gets outjumped.

• 45:07Speaker 01

  I mean, you can see the photo of it now. It's Clear as Day.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Yet another war crime to add to the list. First, they invade Port Stanley, then they punch the ball into the net. The ref, who's the referee? Who's the referee? What nation is the referee?

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Let's have a look at that.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Come on. Who is officiating the 86 game?

• 45:27Speaker 02

  That's straight up, our dad's watching that game, isn't it? Where's the ref from?

• 45:30Speaker 01

  Al, Ali Binassar from Tunisia.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  Tunisia, okay.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  The Tunisian ref. I really like it.

• 45:35Speaker 03

  Bin Laden.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  Bin Laden is refereeing. Where is it, Charlie?

• 45:39Speaker 02

  You know, my mate lives next to the Bin Ladens in Dorset, apparently. A lot of the Bin Ladens live in Dorset.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Are you sure it's the Bin Laden's?

• 45:45Speaker 07

  No, it's the Bin Laden's.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  The Bin Laden's live in Dorset.

• 45:48Speaker 07

  My mate Charlie is neighbours with the Bin Laden's in Dorset.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  What do they do in Dorset?

• 45:53Speaker 07

  They're pretty nice, yeah.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  One of them's like a sort of like Insta influencer hottie, isn't she?

• 45:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, and one of them's a painter, like an artist.

• 46:01Speaker 07

  They're like an aristocratic.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  I know they're a rich Saudi family, yeah.

• 46:04Speaker 07

  But they just like to go to the beach.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, and this is like, he was like one of 12. If one of them's a terrorist, like, you shouldn't be judged for what your siblings do.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  No.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  You're allowed to live in Dorset as a building.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  I feel like we're just rehabilitating Bin Laden out of nowhere.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  People are listening to the story of the World Cup and go, well, let's just rehabilitate.

• 46:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, but he's just a bad egg.

• 46:22Speaker 01

  He is. Well, one out of 12, I guess.

• 46:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  You buy 12 eggs, one of them will be smashed. Anyway, so Maradona punches the ball into the net. The Tunisian ref, I was gonna say is I really like it. There's a particular type of dad who can't mention a ref without the nationality.

• 46:36Speaker 07

  Nationality, yeah.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  It's my dad's first question.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:39Speaker 02

  Every game.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  Where's the ref from?

• 46:40Speaker 02

  Oh, there you go.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Well, this game's void.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's Tunisian.

• 46:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 07

  You know what they're like.

• 46:44Speaker 03

  You know what they're like.

• 46:46Speaker 07

  You remember that big stand-up?

• 46:48Speaker 01

  What are the Tunisians like, dad? What do they do? Minutes later, he scores what is undeniably the goal of the century, which we should get on, because it is, it is pretty glorious, where he runs 60 yards, basically from his own heart, from his own half, beats everyone, and let's get some Argentinian commentary out.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Oh, it's still in.

• 47:14Speaker 03

  Uh, sorry.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  Well, that's not fair.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Excuse me.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Oh, that's cheating.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  It feels like, it feels like, it's like the British defence is incredibly polite.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  It's all like the awkward, yeah.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, sorry.

• 47:28Speaker 03

  Sorry, can I, could I squeeze past?

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Can I just stop you right there? Oh, no, sorry.

• 47:32Speaker 03

  Uh, excuse me.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  Come back, please, come back. No, I'm not finished talking to you.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  Sorry, that's, are you allowed on this floor?

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Now, could we, could we just replay the commentary and instead play footage of the Brits taking Port Stanley, please?

• 47:47Speaker 01

  Just for the listeners at home, I'd like to see Britain entering Port Stanley in June 82.

• 47:53Speaker 02

  Flag raised.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Flag raised. Just play that, Charlie, just play that, and then put the sound of the Argentinian commentary on.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  Lovely stuff. Glorious to watch.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Oh, and another one. He's got past another one.

• 48:08Speaker 02

  Oh, look at that.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Absolutely brilliant. They tend to the wounded. They tend to the wounded. Yeah.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Oh, helicopter.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  It's a bit of a fun one. England, Argentina is a bit of a fun one because it's random.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:25Speaker 03

  Unexpected. It's just like, it's a bit of a like-

• 48:29Speaker 02

  And the football keeps happening as well, 98 and-

• 48:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's fun, just like, I guess we hate the Argentinians.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Who'd have thunk it?

• 48:36Speaker 01

  Having a random rival, really.

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's nice.

• 48:38Speaker 07

  Did you want Argentina to win the World Cup with Messi?

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I did, yeah.

• 48:41Speaker 07

  So how much does your hatred for Argentina weigh up against you?

• 48:44Speaker 02

  I didn't.

• 48:45Speaker 03

  Did you not because of this?

• 48:46Speaker 02

  Because I can't forgive.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  I like that, so that's a real-

• 48:50Speaker 01

  I like that, I like that.

• 48:51Speaker 03

  I respect that. No, you had to, Messi's transcendent.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  Jack watched that final with his back turned like this. Paul Golding.

• 48:59Speaker 02

  He's watching EastEnders.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, but what, let the French win?

• 49:02Speaker 02

  That was a complicated one because he also got the 100 years war, which I haven't really, I haven't really got over that.

• 49:06Speaker 03

  It goes deep with the French and the Argentinians.

• 49:08Speaker 02

  Sporting Qatar that tournament.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Football won that tournament. No, yeah, I, but that was one of the great footballing finals. But also what I liked about that final is that, so this era, and Maradona's the same as Pele, is this was where a player would, could win the World Cup almost on their own. Or at least the narrative of like, you've ascended to the football gods because you won the World Cup.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, Maradona's World Cup.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  Maradona's World Cup, Pele's World Cup.

• 49:33Speaker 03

  Mussolini's World Cup.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Mussolini's World Cup. You've ascended to the pantheon of the greats, right?

• 49:37Speaker 02

  And you sang Messi.

• 49:38Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, but by the time Messi won it, that story was gone because you couldn't do that anymore because it was more about the Champions League. Whereas Messi winning the World Cup felt like, when I was watching footage from the 1970 World Cup, and it felt like a sort of a true sporting narrative.

• 49:55Speaker 03

  Also felt like, the closest to like true history, watching it live. It felt so historic, such a moment.

• 50:00Speaker 01

  Because Salt Bay was there.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  Salt Bay, exactly. Yeah. Literally, this moment, it's so emotional, greatest game ever, within 10 seconds.

• 50:07Speaker 02

  He's just salting the trophy.

• 50:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  Just salting it.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  And then the guy-

• 50:10Speaker 03

  And you're brought back to earth and you realise, God, everything is crap.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  And then was it that Women's World Cup where the head of the FA started kissing the players?

• 50:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, right after that.

• 50:18Speaker 03

  She was giving them the eyes.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, yeah, what were they wearing? What were they wearing? Football kit. You can't be doing that. Red, black, t-shirt, ball. Come on.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Now, uh-

• 50:29Speaker 03

  And his mother, this is Luis Rubales, his mother went on the lowest stake hunger strike of all time.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, the shortest hunger strike.

• 50:34Speaker 02

  In a church, yeah.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  She went to church, so she was hunger striked for maybe 10 hours.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  Not even sure she missed a meal, actually.

• 50:41Speaker 04

  That's just intimate and

• 50:43Speaker 01

  My hunger strike between breakfast and lunch.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  It's very healthy actually.

• 50:45Speaker 01

  I can't do this anymore. I can't do this. Please.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  So, yeah, now Argentina go on to win the World Cup in 86.

• 50:57Speaker 01

  A disgrace.

• 50:59Speaker 01

  But again, Maradona, it's a new trophy. When's the new trophy coming? Is it for 86?

• 51:03Speaker 04

  When? It's Brazil.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  1970, I think. That's the.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  Oh, so it's been a new trophy since then.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  The pick of him holding the trophy.

• 51:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's great. It's a. And then Maradona's story, to finish that off, because he, when does he retire from football?

• 51:19Speaker 04

  He gets, it all goes wrong in Naples. He sort of loses protection from the authorities and he fails a drug test.

• 51:25Speaker 07

  He fails a drug test.

• 51:25Speaker 04

  Flees to Argentina where he's then bust, he gets banned from football for 15 months.

• 51:29Speaker 03

  Did he fail a drug test during a game?

• 51:31Speaker 01

  I think it's after a game.

• 51:32Speaker 03

  Oh, right. Because he had that celebration.

• 51:34Speaker 04

  The wizard has been robbed by this boy.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  1990 or 94. In 94, he gets led off by a nurse.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  Because in celebration, he's like, he's gurning.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  Because they drug test him after the Hand of God game as well.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:47Speaker 02

  And apparently he admits it to whoever's the England player called for the test, he says.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 04

  Wasn't it, wasn't the England player Steve Hodge who then got his, got his shirt?

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:57Speaker 04

  They, they, um, so Steve Hodge, like, yeah, they got called in for the drugs testing. Maradona's obviously like smug as fuck. He's just handballed it in. And he asks him for his, his shirt and it's like, I'll just keep this. Goes back to the England dressing room. Obviously everyone is like fucked off that he's, he's got married. He got the fucking little cheating weasels shirt. And a few years ago, he sold it for, what was it? Seven, seven million, nine mil.

• 52:23Speaker 07

  Is he, is he doing it because he loves cocaine or is he doing it to be better at football?

• 52:25Speaker 02

  He starts like that.

• 52:26Speaker 01

  I think it's, I think it's loving. He loves cocaine.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, it doesn't help.

• 52:29Speaker 07

  It's not for the game.

• 52:30Speaker 01

  I mean, you're not, you're not doing cocaine because you love football.

• 52:32Speaker 07

  No, I just love cocaine.

• 52:33Speaker 01

  You love cocaine, yeah. I think, I think that's the thing with cocaine. There's no ulterior motive.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Is it formless enhancing as a producer, doing the concoction of drugs you do on the weekend?

• 52:41Speaker 07

  I think it's hurting my performance.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  I'd say it is.

• 52:43Speaker 04

  Get the bin bag on.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  But yeah, he then goes to Argentina and they bust him with like 500 grams of coke.

• 52:50Speaker 04

  I think that's a ridiculous amount.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  It's a bag of flour.

• 52:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, he gets a slap on the wrist, obviously.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  Right, of course. Um, now the, when he goes back to, now Italia 90, uh, this is where Maradona falls foul of the, uh,

• 53:06Speaker 01

  Napoli crowd, because he basically splits Italy in two. He basically makes it like a north-south thing by saying to the Napoli lot, "The north hate you."

• 53:17Speaker 02

  He says Naples isn't Italy.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  And so they support him, because he's just won them the league.

• 53:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  He's god.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, he is god. So that means that when there's a game in Naples in the south against Italy, a lot of the Italian fans are supporting Argentina.

• 53:30Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  As a semi-final.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  They're like Scousers, aren't they?

• 53:33Speaker 01

  They are. Naples are the Scousers of Italy.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  And they do a poll of worst villain of the 20th century in northern Italy, and he wins it by miles. Beats Hitler. Yeah, Hitler's like distant fifth.

• 53:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Well, it's northern Italy.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  So, Italian 90 is kind of England's great rehabilitation, because the 80s have been dogged by hooliganism, which we're going to be talking about on the Patreon. There've been a lot of stadium disasters, some funnier than others.

• 53:59Speaker 03

  This is the more romantic. This is the more romantic.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, Pavrotti.

• 54:04Speaker 02

  This is the best World Cup, isn't it?

• 54:05Speaker 03

  One of them.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  I think it's considered the most fun.

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Because you've got the Maradona story.

• 54:11Speaker 03

  Cameroon.

• 54:11Speaker 02

  England do well. Yeah, Cameroon, Roger Miller's there.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Roger Miller, what a player.

• 54:15Speaker 03

  Invincibles, celebrating.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  But this is when African teams, like, they throw off the shackles of the Zaire thing, and Cameroon actually perform well.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's the beginning of Germany ruin it by winning on penalties, though.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:26Speaker 02

  Is it the least corrupt one so far?

• 54:28Speaker 01

  No, because the mafia get all the government contracts and build all the stadiums. And, yeah, it's a complete racketeering job. So they put the money that FIFA gives to Italy basically goes all into the Italian underground economy, like.

• 54:44Speaker 02

  The Italian economy.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  The Italian, sorry, the Italian economy. Yeah, you're right.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  In a way, I like that, though. I think it's a bit more sort of, it's Italian, it's very homespun. Compared to like, the corruption today, which is just like state-sponsored stuff. Just, you know, give some sort of hardworking Don Corleone types.

• 55:01Speaker 03

  Small corruption as opposed to big corruption.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess it's more romantic in Italy, because if you're not corrupt in Italy, why are you going to Italy?

• 55:08Speaker 03

  We all like The Godfather.

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. We all like a holiday once in a while.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:12Speaker 01

  Go to Italy.

• 55:13Speaker 03

  I don't think you could do The Godfather with Gian Infantino. It just doesn't really work as well.

• 55:17Speaker 02

  Today, on I Am Gay.

• 55:20Speaker 03

  You'll come to me on the day of my gay.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  My day daughter's wedding. My disabled daughter's wedding. My migrant worker's daughter's wedding.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  Don Gianni. So it's known for like the Gazzas Tears, obviously. And Lineker does a big sloppy pool of the pitch. Which is what he was going to name his production company. Then he called it Goalhanger.

• 55:46Speaker 03

  I think that's better.

• 55:46Speaker 01

  It was gonna be called Big Sloppy Pool of Pitch Production.

• 55:48Speaker 03

  What am I most known for?

• 55:51Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 55:51Speaker 03

  Shit on the pitch.

• 55:53Speaker 01

  Or being a goal hanger. Oh, tough. Yeah. Anyway.

• 55:58Speaker 02

  Anyway, that's when Maradona loses his protection from the Italian authorities. Because they're so angry at him for dividing Italy. They're like, right, fuck this guy. Rip the whizinator off, let's have a proper test.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  So by the end of the eighties, 1990, Italian nineties, like football is undeniably big business now. England fans are rehabilitated. Television means the whole thing's watched globally. The tournament's value no longer lies in the prestige, but in its commercial and geopolitical influence. And it's about to enter its most lucrative age, the nineties. And probably the most nakedly corrupt era. That's what I'd say the journey is, is that.

• 56:33Speaker 03

  Or is there just more cameras now?

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, I'd say.

• 56:36Speaker 03

  Because I mean, imagine this 4K cameras, but it's Mussolini's World Cup.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  That's what I mean, yeah.

• 56:40Speaker 03

  There was like, instead of like, there's four photos of the entire 1928 World Cup. Like, that's why it's not naked. Imagine the shit they were getting away with. I mean, there was that one game where the referee was playing basically up front for the other team.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  No, the referee intercepted a pass. Yeah, just basically, just, yeah. So we're gonna carry on the story in our final part, which is really on the Patreon. The Upside Boys are gonna stick around for our exclusive episode on hooliganism. Or rather, they already have, because now it's Monday and they did that last week.

• 57:10Speaker 03

  We don't know what's happened.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  They've already stuck around.

• 57:11Speaker 03

  We can only apologise.

• 57:12Speaker 01

  Incredible. Join the Patreon and also watch the Upshot, check it out, great podcast.

• 57:19Speaker 03

  It's great.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  What are some great, what are some great episodes you've done? What are your most popular episodes?

• 57:23Speaker 03

  Lottery one, lottery winners.

• 57:25Speaker 02

  That's a Patreon one, the Lot All Out, that's an absolute favourite.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  I came on to talk about Kevin Pietersen, really enjoyed it.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  England's asshole genius.

• 57:31Speaker 01

  Who he did, now you're telling me that he listened to that episode.

• 57:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, apparently Kevin Pietersen listened to the episode and he's not no, he's quite thin skinned, it's old KP.

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Not known as a laugh, KP.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  But no, I haven't been switched here out of, out of the studio yet.

• 57:42Speaker 03

  No, is it KP that didn't say his views on the episode?

• 57:45Speaker 02

  No, I saw, I bumped into this guy who, who is mates with Kevin Pietersen and said that he'd, said that he'd watched it. I think he, he said he enjoyed it. England's asshole genius. And then we just did a Roman Abramovich one that's gone down very well because his story is mental in Russia, how he came up.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:59Speaker 02

  Murder every three days.

• 58:00Speaker 03

  What did you talk about Charlie when you went on?

• 58:03Speaker 02

  Uh, Robin Friday. Yeah, the LSD footballer, sort of hippie guy. Impale his arse. I'd say my favourites are snooker, Golden Age of Snooker and darts, 80s.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  We should get you back on to do Golden Age of Snooker.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  The snooker stories are unbelievable.

• 58:17Speaker 03

  I love snooker.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  And then obviously we're doing a lot of World Cup stuff.

• 58:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, we're gonna be doing a lot of that.

• 58:21Speaker 07

  Oh, you're going out, you're going out.

• 58:23Speaker 02

  Ah, cats of that.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, because of the prices.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, just, you know, taking a stand against the politics.

• 58:28Speaker 04

  No, no, we just, we realised that we could just stay at home and eat a hot dog and then just set fire to $150 and have a similar experience.

• 58:34Speaker 02

  But we're gonna be doing, we do, so we do an episode every week that's all the funniest stories this week. So there's a lot of gossip coming through about.

• 58:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, you mean you guys are, you're kind of bringing gossip back to straight men.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Gossip and scandal and then life stories.

• 58:44Speaker 03

  You're really, it's straight man gossip.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  Yes, it's like you are carrying on the tabloid era.

• 58:48Speaker 03

  Because yeah, the tabloid, the Golden Age of the tabloid is dead, it's no longer the 2000s.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  I mean, these guys are upskirting every night.

• 58:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're scummy hacks, we're going to bins.

• 58:55Speaker 03

  Gotcha.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  You're doing upskirt. Yeah, when the, when the freedom pretilla was captured by the Israelis.

• 59:01Speaker 02

  Gotcha, stick out your juntas.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  That's what these guys do. Brilliant, a brilliant pod. Check out the Upshot. Anything to plug?

• 59:08Speaker 04

  Just generally.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  Where can people find it?

• 59:11Speaker 04

  Spotify, Apple, YouTube.

• 59:12Speaker 01

  At Upshot, whatever.

• 59:14Speaker 03

  Wherever you find your podcasts.

• 59:15Speaker 01

  Whatever you get your podcasts. And if you're on the Patreon, remember, we are doing a live, alternative commentary.

• 59:24Speaker 03

  In the grudge match, game of the century.

• 59:26Speaker 01

  The big one.

• 59:27Speaker 03

  The rumble in the jungle.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  Switzerland versus Bosnia.

• 59:31Speaker 04

  That will get spicy.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  It will get spicy. We'll make sure it gets spicy.

• 59:34Speaker 03

  Because they've got a lot of Albanians in the Switzerland.

• 59:36Speaker 04

  You get real sort of sectarian terror.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  It's white on white violence. And it's live from the 18th of June on the Patreon. We'll be doing that live. That will go out as that week's Patreon episode. We'll carry on the World Cup story next time. For now, thank you, boys, to the Upshot. Thanks for coming on. Check them out. We'll see you next time.

• 59:53Speaker 03

  Bye bye.