#589 - Hazards (General) , Glis Glis Glee and Old Tricky Digits

If you listen to this show wanting #HotCelebrityGoss then you’re in luck. Elis and John lift the lid on a star-studded Halloween party attended by some of the nation’s great celebs. But just a warning that the goss only goes as far as hazmat-suited Elis being told off by a cardigan-wearing political podcaster, and John being chastised by one of the nation’s great cricket players… Elsewhere, John racks up his wins and losses, Dave reveals a worrying knowledge of the price of things he shouldn’t know about, and Lou Sanders drops by to explain why she did a stand up show with a cornish pasty sewn into the inside of her skirt. Send in your thoughts, feelings and vibes to [email protected]. Watch some behind the scenes footage of Elis and John's spooooky Halloween party here! https://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn/posts/halloween-fancy-173863827 For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. Elis James & John Robins is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Alice and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini-ellipses.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Alice is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Alice is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 02

  Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalised AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle/workspacewithGemini. That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.

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• 2:45Speaker 00

  As I went to sleep last night, the stars seemed to shine less brightly. My morning coffee didn't taste quite the same. Views of the London skyline as I caught the train into the studio, something I usually love so much, left me unmoved today. Even a 25-minute-long kiss with my wife as we listened to the three bean salad podcast left me feeling numb.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  I'm down, because life can feel worthless and pointless when you share a workplace with a con artist and a crook.

• 3:23Speaker 00

  Ben Johnson, Lance Armstrong, throw John Robins onto the pile! After John committed a gross act, and cheated during last week's made-up game, everything I thought I knew

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Dispute that terminology.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Has been called into question. His Wordle scores, his Boggle scores, are they legit?

• 3:42Speaker 01

  Good point.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  His golf handicap, is that real? Does anything actually matter anymore? Shall I just put on my Wikipedia page that my occasional articles of The Guardian about Aaron Ramsey have won the Nobel Prize for Literature, under the proviso that most people won't notice the phrase citation needed? Why don't we go the whole hog? It's open season, I've won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, I scored a header in the 2014 FA Cup final, I wasn't incredibly quiet during my one appearance a month week, and the only reason I didn't get rebooked is that I passionately believed Ed Gamble needed more opportunities to get on the telly and I begged them to look again at Ed.

• 4:19Speaker 00

  Hey, listeners, guess what? I'm tall.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Let's start doing a John and being dishonest in the public eye. We're on terrestrial radio, the most trusted news outlet in Britain. Why let that stop us? Attention, everyone, I do well at corporate events and teenagers on public transport respect me. I got a degree from Harvard and my ideas continually dominate at Paris Fashion Week. I'm also excellent at throwing. Dave called me yesterday and said that I couldn't let John's dishonesty get in the way of the show, and reminded me that this intro always sets the tone for the whole programme. Nobody wants to start the show with a grievance, and so because I'm a professional, prepare

• 5:05Speaker 00

  yourselves now for the biggest gear shift in broadcasting history.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Luck be a lady tonight. Comedy connection makes things alright. A mad dad and a shame well on your emos to get on with. Alice, John, and Dave, keep it light. Chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim chery. Sounds as a platform's as good as can be. Chim chiminy, chim chimery, chim chim cheroo. Adrian Charles on the radio, how lucky are you? Food, glorious food. Turn on Wake Up To Money. Rick Edwards will make you swoon. Kick back, relax with Matt Chorley. Do you want another one? I've got more.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men. It is the music of the people who will not trust John. I can't, I can't let it go, Dave. I can't let it go. I know that John disputes this, and it's currently under appeal.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  But for now, I would say the court of public opinion has found John guilty of cheating in last week's made-up game.

• 6:22Speaker 03

  Well, just to fill anyone who might have missed Friday's bombshell of an app, the visuals did reveal from a made-up game last week, where the challenge was you had to fill a Coke, no, you had to fill an empty glass with Coke up to the brim, as close to the brim as you could possibly get.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Whilst being blindfolded.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Whilst blindfolded, there is now visual proof that John just left his index finger on top of the glass, which meant he felt when the Coke hit the brim.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Which is within the terms of the challenge.

• 6:48Speaker 03

  These, this is where it gets, this is where the grey areas.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  No grey areas, Dave.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  There is grey.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  I didn't lie and I didn't cheat. You compared me to liars and cheats. I didn't lie, I didn't say anything. I didn't cheat, I didn't break any rules.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  During the Bodyline Scans series of 1933.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  This is why Britain is stalling. Britain is a stalled

• 7:07Speaker 00

  You have been bouncer after bouncer from John.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  That doesn't, doesn't support energetic industry.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Innovation.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Innovate.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  I said the box thinkers.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Do you think in Silicon Valley, when they're going to do an IPO on a thousand times their net profits, do you think they're sitting around going, oh, you touched the, you touched your finger on a bit of Coke? No, we're all making 20 million the day it launches.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  What, you made 20 million last week from this podcast?

• 7:39Speaker 00

  How come I didn't get any of that?

• 7:40Speaker 03

  What were, what were the songs that you were singing? What was that?

• 7:43Speaker 01

  They were copyrighted musicals, Dave.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  They were all songs from musicals, Dave.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, and that was just because you're

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Because I'm trying my best to be upbeat.

• 7:54Speaker 03

  Oh, I see. Got it. Okay.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  And as I wrote, as I wrote the first part of the, of the intro, I thought, well, I can't leave it there. I've got to try and click into gear.

• 8:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  It's a mentality issue at this stage.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  I thought, what are the happiest, jolliest songs? And I, I thought, well, they're the big tunes from musicals, aren't they? The ones everyone knows. So I thought I'd change a little bit of, you know, the odd lyric here and there to advertise Five Live and its wares, to try and, you know, give me a little bit of a pep, but it hasn't worked, Dave, I'm afraid. I had a dream about Ed Gamble last night.

• 8:26Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 8:27Speaker 00

  I dreamt that I had 24 hours to prove to him that Wales was good. And then we, we got for a TV programme, and we got to Wales, and I dropped my phone and it broke, and I ran out of ideas.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  Quite a good idea for a programme.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  It is quite a good idea. You've got 24 hours to prove to someone that a place is good.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  It's quite a long time. Like, it's enough time.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  You have to edit it down.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  The show would be 30 minutes, or, you know, maybe a Channel 4 hour, 40, 48 minutes, whatever that is.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  And then he could have 24 hours to prove to you that heavy metal's good.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Yes, exactly. But, yeah, it was an anxiety dream and I dropped my phone as we crossed the Severn Bridge.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  And then I just fell apart and my ideas. And he was like, whoa. And he kept saying things like, why did we walk at Pennavant? I was like, all my ideas were on my iPhone notes.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  But they would have been stored in the cloud. You could have just jumped on a Mac.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Well, tell Dream Ellis was panicking, Dave. But anyway, how are you, John?

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Well, you can't just call someone a liar and a cheat and then ask how they are.

• 9:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can. I've been, a lot of people have been saying that to me over the past month.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Have you? Why?

• 9:38Speaker 03

  It's because of what city you're up to.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Oh, fair enough. Well, it's not you.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  No, I had very little to do with it, actually.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Little, but not nothing, because you've been in the, you've been in the owner's box.

• 9:47Speaker 03

  I have, and I am on their payroll, weirdly, because of the presenting that I do there.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  Oh, my lord.

• 9:52Speaker 03

  So all of a sudden, actually.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  You might be called to give evidence.

• 9:55Speaker 03

  It's weird. I got paid £10 million for one sideline interview. I didn't. That's a joke.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Twenty million for my IPO launch.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, we're laughing here, John.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  We're doing all right.

• 10:04Speaker 03

  We're doing all right.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  I'm the one who's too honest for his own good.

• 10:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  But we went to a party on...

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Oh, good grief. Yes, we did. We went to a party last Saturday. Top celeb party, Dave.

• 10:15Speaker 00

  It was a top celeb party. Marcus Wearing was there. Ronan Keating was there.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  Ronan? Ronan?

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Ronan Keating did the singing, the entertainment.

• 10:24Speaker 03

  Okay, let me guess. How many songs did he sing?

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Six.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Six?

• 10:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, which I think's blumming good value for a private event.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  He would have done Father and Son.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  Yeah. Life is a Rollercoaster.

• 10:35Speaker 00

  Yes, he did. Yeah, he did do that.

• 10:36Speaker 03

  It's Only Words.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  It's Only Words.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  Um, I Know More, I Know More Boyzone. Come on.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  He didn't do any new stuff.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  And like, he didn't, and he didn't do any sort of obscure B-sites.

• 10:52Speaker 03

  When the Going Gets Tough?

• 10:54Speaker 00

  No, he didn't do that.

• 10:55Speaker 03

  Because they covered that.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  They did, but I think you need all five of them to do that song justice.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  I'm out. That's all.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  No, he did, he did all of the sort of the classics you would expect.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  He did a cover, the Tracy Chapman cover?

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yes, he did.

• 11:12Speaker 03

  What, Big Yellow Taxi?

• 11:13Speaker 01

  No, you're thinking of Fast Car. Big Yellow Taxi's J.D. Mitchell.

• 11:17Speaker 03

  I knew it was a vehicle.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he did Brown Eyed Girl.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  Oh, I bet he nailed it.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, he really did. And another couple of Boyzone ones.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  And it was a fancy dress party.

• 11:30Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  And my fancy dress costume amazingly was criticised by Alistair Campbell.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  It was it?

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Who wasn't in fancy dress.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  He was the only person.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Really? Oh, come on, Campbell.

• 11:42Speaker 00

  So, you know, Jason Foxy Fox of SAS Who Dares Wins.

• 11:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  He was in fancy dress. Martin Bayfield, the ex-British Lion and England rugby international, he was a...

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Both looked amazing.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  He was a very convincing Frankenstein, although it does help when you're six foot 10.

• 11:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Taller than Craig Davis, Martin Bayfield, he is massive. Jason Foxy Fox, he won a, he won the sort of prize for best outfit. He was a kind of ghoulish spooky nurse.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  No, he was the Joker nurse from Joker.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Oh, yes, it was.

• 12:14Speaker 03

  Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  And I basically just put on my Freddie Mercury jacket and Jimmy Anderson told me that it, you know, hadn't put enough effort in.

• 12:23Speaker 00

  Did he?

• 12:24Speaker 01

  And he, in fairness to him, had gone to a lot of trouble to look like Frankenstein.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought he was the hunchback of Notre Dame.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  Could have been.

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Because he had that...

• 12:31Speaker 01

  It was dark.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, but he had that big hunchback and he was sort of bent over for a long part of it.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  I think he was more of a Frankenstein. I think it was that sort of stoop.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Oh, right. Okay.

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, I suppose, I mean, how many times have you rolled out the, the yellow jacket for a fancy dress?

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Any, every time since I got it that I've needed to wear a fancy dress.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  The genius of it, it's, it's actually incredibly shrewd from John. He genuinely wanted it.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  And because it's not one of the daft Freddie Mercury yellow jackets you get in like a joke shop, because it's bespoke and it's exactly like the one that Freddie wore on stage at Wembley in 1986.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  But, and the rest of the outfit is very simple.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can wear whatever you like, really. I wore, I wore my Adidas trainers that are like the ones...

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Which are like the ones.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  I mean, he's wearing it there. He's wearing it behind you. I didn't wear the white trousers, though.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  No, so John wore jeans and white trainers, which are quite similar, because they're actually a pair of Adidas boxing boots that he's wearing, I think.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Wrestling boots.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Wrestling boots and a white t-shirt. So he looked the part. And because it's expensive, you kind of can say, yeah, I'm in fancy dress. I've come as Freddie Mercury. I'm just a spooky Freddie Mercury.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  I should have upped the spooky element. I feel bad for not having more makeup because everyone went to such an effort, apart from Alistair Campbell, who was wearing a cardigan. But he still took the time to criticise Ellis's fancy dress after I discussed Labour comms with him for 10 minutes.

• 13:59Speaker 03

  Oh, cool.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  It was superb.

• 14:01Speaker 03

  Was it? Did you know it was your own?

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Oh, he, he's just very...

• 14:05Speaker 03

  I bet you did.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  Do you know what? I, I would have thought if all of your day is discussing politics, then when someone comes up to your party and says, what do you think about this? You go, oh, here we go again. But he was just like really enthusiastic, interested, like...

• 14:19Speaker 03

  That's great.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Just obviously loves talking about politics.

• 14:23Speaker 03

  You can tell.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  I've never met him before and I didn't, I always assumed that if I were to ever meet Alistair Campbell, I think this, this goes for anyone in the public eye. I never, I never thought that I'd be wearing a hazmat suit.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Well, who, come on, what did you guys?

• 14:36Speaker 00

  For just a hazmat suit.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  He went hazmat, hazmat suit.

• 14:42Speaker 03

  Oh, was it not? I thought it was Breaking Bad.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  No, it's just, just general, because the hazmat suit's never a positive, is it?

• 14:48Speaker 01

  Never good.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  No, no one, no one ever goes, oh, yes, the guy's in the hazmat suit turned up.

• 14:53Speaker 03

  But there's nothing...

• 14:53Speaker 00

  This is gonna be fine.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  Oh, but there wasn't a specific reference to the hazmat suit.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Or hazards.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  Hazards, but it's general Halloween, Halloween hazards.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  You need a, isn't there a cultural pinpoint that you need when you dress in a hazmat suit?

• 15:06Speaker 00

  Films with hazmat suits come out in October.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Chernobyl.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Chernobyl.

• 15:11Speaker 03

  Great. Well, say that you come...

• 15:12Speaker 00

  ET.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:13Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  There's a hazmat suit in ET.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  That programme about environmental health that John Peel used to do the voiceover for.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  And I'm, I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm sure there's...

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Life of Grime.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Life of Grime. Clean it, fix it. Probably programmes about hoarders.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  He was clearing Mr. Treebus's garden, which is a reference that no one under the age of 40 will get.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  So where, where did you get it from?

• 15:36Speaker 00

  I got it from Amazon.

• 15:37Speaker 03

  But where was the inspiration?

• 15:39Speaker 00

  I Googled cheap Halloween costumes, Dave.

• 15:42Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  And that was, and, because also Izzy was out. Izzy was in Derbyshire doing a spooky conference. Um, about sort of folk myths and things and folk legends. And so I didn't have anyone to help me with my makeup.

• 15:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  What I didn't realise was that everyone else, because it was a posh celebrity party, just got people in to do their makeup. So Jimmy Anderson obviously didn't do his own makeup.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Well, you can't cast dispersions about whether...

• 16:09Speaker 00

  I would be absolutely staggered.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  His partner might have done it for him.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, a lot of people had paid people. And so obviously I didn't have, I didn't, I didn't think of doing that because our washing machine was getting mended at five and I needed to leave at six. And I thought, I can't let the washing machine man in as I'm being made to look spooky. And I was on my own with the children. So I just wanted something that was extremely low maintenance.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  You could have come dressed as Lime Scale.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  But, yeah. So it was our, it was our agent or the person who runs our management agency's birthday, and it was the 25th anniversary of him running the management agency.

• 16:49Speaker 03

  They put on posh food.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Put on posh food. It was an amazing event. He'd gone to an incredible amount of detail. He did this amazing speech where he thanked everyone for coming and making a lot of effort. And, and he did say, but I don't know, I don't know why Ellis is wearing a hazmat suit. And that felt good.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  Did he really?

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, it felt good.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  He singled you out when Alistair Campbell was in the cardigan?

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, about 300 people. No, he singled me and Alistair Campbell. He went, Alistair Campbell, bothered. And I don't know what Ellis is doing. And everyone went, ah. I was like, ah.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  It's good stuff. I think Ellis did really well.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  You look great. I'm looking at pictures now. John, can I say that picture could be you 10 years ago?

• 17:23Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you very much.

• 17:24Speaker 03

  You look very youthful.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  I came across some videos of me 10 years ago because I was trying to find a song that a friend recorded on my, on my laptop. There's a lot of videos of me at like two in the morning singing at the camera along with music. Absolutely hammered.

• 17:41Speaker 00

  John, I was there for a lot of those videos. That is my abiding memory of your Bristol flat, as you're sitting on the windowsill, smoking, smoking fags out the window and singing very loudly and drinking rosé. It's like Fleetwood Mac.

• 17:58Speaker 03

  Stuff. Yeah.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  But the thing with singing, when someone starts singing to you, the first verse is, is funny if you want it to be.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  And impressive if it is impressive. But then you're like, God, the chain by Fleetwood Mac is a long ass song.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Still singing it.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  He's doing all of it.

• 18:18Speaker 03

  Doing all of it.

• 18:19Speaker 00

  But yeah, it was, it was, it was, it's very strange though, when like a ghoul has a go at you for wearing a gas mask on the dance floor, which did happen to me. Someone said, come on, mate, take your gas mask off. I was like, I'm in a hazmat suit.

• 18:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  I hadn't anticipated how hot it would be. My hair was wet after the first 20 minutes because I was sweating so much.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 18:37Speaker 00

  But still good fun.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  What have you guys got? So we're recording this before Halloween. What have you guys got planned for actual Halloween?

• 18:44Speaker 00

  I'm going trick or treating in Cardiff. So.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Are you really?

• 18:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. So.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Back in the hazmat suit again?

• 18:51Speaker 00

  No, probably not.

• 18:52Speaker 03

  Oh, go on, mate. You've got it now.

• 18:54Speaker 00

  I have got it now. I suppose, well.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  It makes sense, kind of.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Izzy hasn't left the house yet. I could ask her to bring it.

• 19:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Like it's, it's, it's got the worst, got blue gloves, a gas mask and goggles.

• 19:06Speaker 03

  Could you actually, is it, could you actually wear it in a hazmat suit?

• 19:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. 1999 on Amazon. That's where a lot of the key sort of U N radiation clearance people are going.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  It is paper thin, Dave.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 19:20Speaker 01

  It's like, it's like the clothes you wear when you're having a spray tan.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does look like that, to be fair.

• 19:25Speaker 00

  Yeah. So yeah, we're all going to Cardiff and my kids and their cousins are going trick or treating in Cardiff. Never been trick or treating in Wales.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  Haven't you?

• 19:36Speaker 00

  I never really did it as a kid.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  What are you doing, Dave?

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Going on to a friend's house for a Halloween party. So we'll.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  What are you going dressed as?

• 19:43Speaker 03

  I've not got anything and I feel like I maybe should. No, it's fine. I don't think any of the parents.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  The problem with fancy dress is you either do a Campbell and don't bother.

• 19:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  Or you really go to town.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  I remember what you chatted to Alistair Campbell about because I knew Ellis was nervous about meeting him. Like he, Ellis said, how did Burnley get on? And Alistair said, oh, we lost and they sacked the manager. And then Ellis immediately knew who Burnley had beaten in the 1961 FA Cup final.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  That's great. That's why football is a sort of.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  A level.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  It's a great social lubricant. Yeah. They lost to Tottenham in the 61 FA Cup final.

• 20:23Speaker 03

  And was Campbell impressed by that?

• 20:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  I mean, he would have been like four or something. Well, I don't know how old he is, but he would have been a child.

• 20:30Speaker 03

  How did you know that?

• 20:32Speaker 00

  Because Tottenham won the double that year and Burnley were a good side. And I think my dad said once, it was like a kind of, growing up in West Wales, he could have ended up supporting Burnley. And they had a good academy in the seventies. Like late James played for the Swans was, is a Burnley great. I mean, I had more Burnley stuff.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:51Speaker 00

  If you need Burnley stuff, I've got Burnley stuff. When he asked me about my costume, he did give me that stare that he used to give like BBC journalists. I did, I did crumble.

• 21:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:03Speaker 00

  Five seconds before sustaining myself. He has got like a proper death stare.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  Who Campbell?

• 21:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. He hasn't given it to John because they just talk about Labour comms. But you know, John, John was dressed, John was dressed in a realistic.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Oh, so he's met Freddie Mercury. So.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  Come on.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  When?

• 21:19Speaker 01

  Live Aid and one other time.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  We chatted about that.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  It's been quite good.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  It was quite good. Yeah.

• 21:32Speaker 02

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• 21:50Speaker 05

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• 22:05Speaker 06

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• 22:35Speaker 07

  This is the story of the one. As a shipping manager, he's running the dock, stocking supplies and making sure every order goes out on time. And Granger helps him stay prepared. From shipping supplies to P P E to hand tools, he counts on Granger to keep products moving and trucks rolling. So his operation runs smoothly, no matter the shift. Call 1-800 Granger, click Granger.com or just stop by. Granger, for the ones who get it done.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  Shall we come reconnect?

• 23:09Speaker 00

  Yes, go on then.

• 23:10Speaker 03

  Great.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  This week's Camry Connection is brought to you by Transport for Wales. That's a dream collaboration, if ever there was one.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Yes, because though the Camry Connection might seem like a man with his head in his hands repeatedly saying 28 Iscol Gifannestad, as the clock runs down, there's much more to it.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  Yes. And just like Transport for Wales, it's actually about real connection, more than just getting from A to B. It's part of the fabric of everyday life woven into making friends and celebrating Wales's breathtaking landscape, its cultural institutions and proud history. Some may say it's a crucial part of everyday life, Dave.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  It's about the mystique scene, communicating with the people of Ellis. What does that word?

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Trafalgar.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Trafalgar.

• 23:53Speaker 00

  Or Denby.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  And I know how to say Denby. I'm wondering whether you know Sidman Chunks from Aber Aon. And sure, sometimes Ellis takes the scenic route to reach his destination, but therein lies not just the magic of the game, but the magic of Wales itself. And thankfully, the Transport for Wales success rate is way above Ellis's 46.73%.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Cheers, mate. Our friends at Transport for Wales have got involved with the UK's most talked about podcast feature. They've tracked down some of our listeners at train stations across Wales who are ready to play. Today's caller is live and ready to go at Tafswell Station. As usual, my job is to find that all important link.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  It's time for the Camry Connection. It's another Camry Connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection, but his questions have one direction. Where did you go to school? Do you know David Evans? No. Come on, mate, you must do. No, we've never met at all. Last week, we witnessed scenes that we hadn't seen in over 100 Camry Connection attempts. After repeated cries of can I check a text message, Ellis officially lost his

• 25:18Speaker 01

  head. A missed communication with Haylen from Garth Olweg caused a meltdown of biblical proportions. At least we know his heart is still in the sport. He hasn't let the missed connections, the worrying downtrend of his connection rate, or the potential harm he's doing to Welsh national pride get to him. Ellis's success rate currently stands at 46.73%. He's now failed to connect with four callers in a row. Can he turn things round?

• 25:44Speaker 00

  Oh my God, I didn't know I was on a bad run of form.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  We actually had an email.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  I should have just checked my phone. I don't know why I asked your permission. I was wasting time.

• 25:53Speaker 03

  You had three seconds left. I don't think you.

• 25:55Speaker 00

  Do you know what it was? I think I was worried about there being dead air.

• 25:59Speaker 03

  And that's not bothered you in the past.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  Well, it bothered me then.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  No, it was at the very end of the 60 seconds. I think you panicked and asked me because you knew, I don't know, I don't know what I could have done.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  What I wanted you to do was to pause the clock so I could check my phone because I knew the connection. I just couldn't remember Haylen's name.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  We did have an email from John. John says, quite simple really. Please, please, please, can you isolate the scream Ellis produced at the end of last week's Camry Connection?

• 26:24Speaker 03

  Great.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  And play it alongside the iconic Wilhelm scream, the quintessential sound effect heard in the likes of Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Lord of the Rings.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  And which has been mentioned in the pod in the past. It's like a stock scream.

• 26:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  I'll stick my neck out here and say that the James scream is even better than the Hollywood classic. I'll even stick my neck out a bit further and say, if you make the James scream available to download as an MP3, I'll pay one pounds quid for it. Who wouldn't want it as a ringtone? Cheers, John.

• 26:53Speaker 03

  Quite harrowing ringtone.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  When I saw it on Insta, I, I was amazed at how high I go.

• 26:59Speaker 03

  It's incredible. Hannah, who pays some interest in the carousel as I chuckle away on a Wednesday evening and watch it back. That was the bit where she's like, what the heck was that? Like that kind of pulled her away from what she was doing and she has to replay that three times. So it really has captured the imagination of a nation. We do have comparisons, of course.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Let's hear the Elis James scream.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  And let's hear the Wilhelm scream.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  Yours is better. Yours is way better than that.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  Sell it.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Sell it to a foley company.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. Or just do that on Cameo.

• 27:37Speaker 00

  My scream's better than that.

• 27:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, do it. Play Ellis again. I could have stood all day long.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  It's got the full, right?

• 27:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's like, is it, um, is it Martin Tyler? United score and he goes, oh.

• 27:56Speaker 03

  Wasn't it Neville?

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Oh, it was Neville. Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  Well.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  We have a call. What we should do is get lots of famous clips and put Ellis's scream in.

• 28:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  We have a caller on the line. Caller, what is your name?

• 28:09Speaker 02

  Steve.

• 28:10Speaker 01

  Steve, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with Ellis. Ellis's time starts now.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Age of school?

• 28:18Speaker 02

  51 Nantaglo comprehensive.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  Nantaglo. Okay. Where do you live?

• 28:25Speaker 02

  I live in Cardiff.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Cardiff. Okay. What do you do for a living?

• 28:30Speaker 02

  I'm a CEO at the Allowed Charity.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  And also on the board of S4C, Clubby Vobach and Literature Wales. Okay, but if you're from Nantagló, is that sort of Tafswell sort of? No, in between Bryn Mawr and Blaina. Oh, yes, yes, of course, of course. I went to the cinema in Bryn Mawr. Okay, you're on the board of. So Soun Festival, I suppose.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Do you, oh, you must know Dan Tite, who does the marketing for Soun, I think?

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Ellis, I do know beautiful Dan Tite.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  Very good. Nice. That was strong, Ellis.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  That's good. That's huge. It's pretty calm.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I mean, it was.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Because I thought he's running down the time. The guy mentioned Clubby Vobach about 10 seconds ago and Ellis hasn't taken the bait.

• 29:25Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  Did you say you're on the board for S4C?

• 29:29Speaker 00

  Yep. Do you know where in England? Uh, no, I've only been on the board for a couple of months, but I think there is a connection at S4C. Just started there as well, actually.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  I suppose, um, who do you know? Oh, um, no, Ellen's left. Okay, sorry, I'm trying to think of who else there was. It's okay. It's, no, thank you, Steve. James Cuff. Oh, do you know James Cuff? James Cuff interviewed me about that bloody once for his podcast. This is good stuff. I'm in and I'm back and I matter.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  You do matter.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  I matter.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Because handsome Dan Tite's had a few mentions in the past.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  God, he's good looking. Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  We'll need a photo of HDT.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  He's got nice clothes, I think that's what it is. He's always a very, very well turned out man. Okay, okay. I think there's a myriad though. It could have gone in many directions. Yes, there'll be lots of club ones, I suppose. Do you know John Rostran? I do know John Rostran, yeah. Who's Steven Seacrest. Kev Tane. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, this is good. I'm back and I matter. One that I don't think's been mentioned would be Marcus Sargent, who used to be the general manager at Glee Club in Cardiff. That's after my time, I think. Because when I was, when I did lots of gigs at the Glee, it was Lee and James mainly.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Ellis got out of the Glee's as soon as he could.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  He, he, he didn't enjoy the circuit. He wanted to make money from his own study via Zoom call.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  My God, he was out there flicking the Vs.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Um, Nantagló, yes, sort of Gwent Valleys. Yeah, so yeah, Bryn Mawr, Blaina, Abbotleary. Yes. But I left to go to uni when I was 18, so I haven't been back there for, and I would have been amazed. I would have been so chuffed if you'd got someone from around there. Did you ever go to a nightclub called The Venue in Abbotleary?

• 31:36Speaker 00

  Uh, no, The Balcony was the one for me when I was a youngster. I did a gig in The Venue and, um. But the Met, do you know the Met? I used to, my previous job, we used to run the Met. Okay, when I went to, when I, the gig was on a Monday night and when I went to the urinal as I arrived at the show, uh, the urinal was full of broken glass and blood and I said to the manager, is that meant to be there? And he went, I should really clear that up after the weekend. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's the roughest club I've ever been in, I think. But still. Croixsay Abbotleary. Yeah, Croixsay Abbotleary. Um, well, nice to speak to you, Steve. Thank you.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Thank you very much for your call.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  Diop. Diop, Steve.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  So there we go. He's stopped the rot.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, that was good. Yeah, that felt, you were on terra firma there halfway through, I felt. You don't seem ecstatic though.

• 32:28Speaker 00

  No, I'm relieved.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  When I'm very relieved, I often go really quiet. It's like I've had positive test results.

• 32:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  I've just gone quiet.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Just letting it sink in.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  Just letting it sink in. That was good.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Strong.

• 32:40Speaker 00

  Thank you, Dan. Dan strikes again.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  So there we go. Another dramatic and unpredictable Cymru connection. All thanks to Transport for Wales.

• 32:55Speaker 00

  Well, I thought John's, uh, choice of Halloween costume was a win.

• 33:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  Despite what Jimmy Anderson said, but I think we should go to the man himself to see, uh, what he's totted up, wins and losses, and John wins again.

• 33:33Speaker 01

  It's been up and downs. It's been struggles. I'm fighting myself most of the time. I've keep forgetting that I've stockpiled kitchen items.

• 33:44Speaker 00

  What, food or?

• 33:45Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  A kitchen roll and stuff like that?

• 33:48Speaker 01

  No, dishwasher tablets and washing up liquid and, uh, spray were on offer months ago.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  So I bought loads and put them in a bag in the cupboard under my stairs.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  On offer again?

• 34:02Speaker 01

  No, I just keep forgetting they're there and keep buying the stuff when it needs replacing.

• 34:06Speaker 00

  So you're stockpiling as part of a national resilience conversation, but just by being forgetful?

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Well, no, I stockpiled before it was a national resilience, um, policy. I just stockpiled because it was on offer.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  And then, so I've got these massive bags of stuff and then it runs out and I think, oh, I must remember to pick up some washing up liquid. And then I bring it back and I've already got like three litres in the cupboard.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  But, you know, we ran out of kitchen spray and my local shop didn't have the one I liked.

• 34:38Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  And then we just didn't have kitchen spray for a couple of days and that was more annoying than having a surf it a bit.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  But I forget I've got the surf it.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  So why don't you move the surf it into your kitchen?

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Because this kitchen's too small and there's too much surf it.

• 34:53Speaker 00

  I love the word surf it. Can you not move a proportion of your surf it into your kitchen?

• 34:57Speaker 01

  Well, I'm going to have to now because this can't continue. So I've got about 200 dishwasher tablets.

• 35:04Speaker 00

  That will last you a year.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  I also wouldn't worry, like in terms of, because that's a long.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  No, but it's a flaw in the system.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  It's always a flaw in the system, but I wouldn't worry about your memory, for instance.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  No, no, I'm not worried about my memory. I'm annoyed that I keep rebuying products that I have in the house because I think I've run out when I haven't.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  Do you know what I did last night?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Are you buying them at full price, by the way?

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Are you? Are you kidding, Ellis? What's wrong with you?

• 35:27Speaker 00

  You're always making a saving then?

• 35:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm just making too many savings.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  You're making too many savings? Well, it doesn't feel like a massive loss.

• 35:34Speaker 03

  It does if, it does if he dies before he uses all the dishwasher tablets.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  Well, you can leave it to his beneficiaries.

• 35:41Speaker 03

  In the will.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  But the feeling I want to have is, oh no, I need to get dishwasher tablets. No, you don't because you bought them when they were on offer.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  That's the high you're chasing.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  That's the dopamine rush I'm looking for. And it's, and instead I'm getting a downer when I come back with the dishwasher tablets and think, oh God, you've already got 148 in the blooming cupboard under the sink, you fool.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  But crucially, you've never, you haven't paid full price for anything.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  Well, wait till you hear what's coming next.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Okay, all right.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  I had to buy branded ketchup.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  So?

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Well, I haven't bought branded ketchup for years.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  Which ones do you buy?

• 36:22Speaker 01

  Own brand.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  In your Nixon from hotels, right?

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Nick, I don't nick, why do? No, don't, still they're free.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  But that's a separation.

• 36:29Speaker 00

  You should always, I would always go branded for ketchup.

• 36:33Speaker 01

  You're out of your mind.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  No.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  It's the best one.

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Live a little, John. Go for the brand, man.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  No, it's like three times the price.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  And three times the taste.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  It's not three times the taste. It's also got slightly more salt and slightly more sugar in it.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  That's why it tastes so bloody good. Okay, so this is a loss.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's why cheap lager's nice, all the chemicals.

• 36:53Speaker 03

  What was the first loss?

• 36:54Speaker 01

  I'm overstocked, Parley's. No one listens to me.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  So why have you, why did you have to buy the branded ketchup?

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Because I was on my way home and I needed ketchup and my, it was in the Tesco Express and they don't have a big enough range to do own brand. So I'm paying like four quid, four quid.

• 37:15Speaker 00

  Say nurses of it.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  Four quid for ketchup. Not in my life would I be paying four quid for ketchup. Also, the own brand does taste nicer.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  Does it?

• 37:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's 180. Or if you get the smaller one, 80p.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  There was an own brand version of something the other day and the, the, the price differential was, it stopped me in my tracks.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:39Speaker 00

  I can't remember what it was, but I sort of couldn't believe, it's like, um, own brand cereal versus, you know, the, the, the big brand cereals, mad.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  How much was it?

• 37:49Speaker 01

  It was four quid.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  I'm going to put four quid exclamation mark.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  And in my head, I'm thinking, that was a packet of fags in the 90s.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, but do you know, do you know how much fags are now? Like 20 quid for 20.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Right and proper that the money should go towards the NHS.

• 38:06Speaker 00

  But, uh, that, yeah, 20 pounds.

• 38:10Speaker 03

  A pouch, a nicotine pouch, it used to be like a 10, it's like 30 quid now.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  Well, like a pack of Golden Virginia or drugs or something. Is it 30 pounds?

• 38:17Speaker 03

  30 quid, 30 pounds quid, mate.

• 38:22Speaker 00

  I want cocaine, Dave.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  That is actually more reasonable these days. I've, it's a news story now, it's not, because I know.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  It's sounding like you're buying diablis.

• 38:35Speaker 00

  They're very reasonable. It used to be so dear around here, but they're very reasonable.

• 38:40Speaker 03

  No, I just, I was watching the news the other day and there's a cocaine epidemic in the minute.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  In your house.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  It's always snowing in stockpots, isn't it, Dave?

• 38:51Speaker 01

  And the news was Hannah giving you an ultimatum.

• 38:57Speaker 03

  It was on Five Live.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  You know, Ozzie Boy.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  I, I saw that news story as well. Yeah.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Um, right.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  I got an email from, what I'm gonna say is an online clothes retailer. Okay.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  Who are you?

• 39:13Speaker 01

  Saying, say, just something like, you know, here's your discount code. We haven't seen you for a while.

• 39:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  I thought, I don't remember. I never signed up to that online clothes retailer. Didn't they have a recent enormous security breach?

• 39:28Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  So I must have like, I must have, um, I must have bought someone a present like eight years ago.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  And just happened to have had an account with this online clothes retailer. So I thought, you know what? I'll delete that account because I don't need it. I didn't even know I had it.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't shop in on summers anymore.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  So I, I go to the website, try to log in. There's no account. So there's no login. So I've obviously put my email address on, I don't know, just for contact when I've checked out as a guest.

• 40:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  There's so many ways they can have your email though. That's the thing.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. So.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  I'm thinking of getting a different email address for this. I thought that.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  So, yes. So I, so I, I, I press the reset your password, forgotten your password link so I can get a password, then login to the account.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  That's a guest.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  So I get, I get into the account for the first time and I think, right, I want to delete this account. Where's the delete option? And some companies make it more difficult to delete an account than is necessary.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  It should just be an option under your account. It should be delete account.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  And do you know what's pathetic? The companies that do make it like that, that easy, I'm always grateful.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 00

  I always think, you know, fair play.

• 40:52Speaker 01

  So I Google, you will not believe this. So you cannot delete the account in, on the website. You have to do it through the app.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  Is that legal?

• 41:04Speaker 01

  I would be interested to know. So I download the app. I log into the app.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  It's usually the other way around.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  They give me the security code.

• 41:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  And then I log into the app with my two factor authentication or whatever. And I'm looking for the delete account thing. You go to the delete account thing and it says, we're just putting you through to our live chat. I'm thinking, I just want to delete the account.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  So I'm then chatting with someone.

• 41:30Speaker 00

  Real person.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  Real, real, I think, I don't, I think it is actually a real person because I think the robot took me to a real person.

• 41:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  So I've said to the robot, I want to delete my account.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  And this is very basic stuff.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  This is nuts. So I then get through to the real person. I, for the like third time, just write delete account. I want to delete my account. And they're like, oh, uh, yeah, I'm happy to help you with that. Let me just take a few details.

• 41:54Speaker 00

  I've got all the edible knickers I need.

• 41:56Speaker 01

  I don't want to give you any detail. I just want to delete this account I didn't know I had.

• 42:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  She said, okay, Mr. Robins, I'll sort that out for you and put it through to the account deletion team.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, good stuff.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  So, and I said, no, you're, I've been put through to you because I want, because you're apparently the person. And then the person got a bit sniffy and said, yeah, that's why I'm putting it through to the account deletion team.

• 42:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, fair play, fair play. You're being, you're being out of order at this stage, John.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  Then get an email.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  Who do you think you are?

• 42:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:26Speaker 00

  Trying to delete your account.

• 42:28Speaker 01

  Saying, thank you for your request to delete your account.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  A request?

• 42:32Speaker 01

  Our account deletion team are looking into it. The next day, I get an email saying, your account will be deleted within 28 working days.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  It's absolutely outrageous.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  That would annoy me.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. At one point I did want to send our SOS.

• 42:52Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 42:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm gonna reluctantly do that because I'm not sure how much of that could stay.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  All true.

• 43:01Speaker 00

  It is all true.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  As unbelievable as that is.

• 43:04Speaker 03

  What does SOS stand for again?

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Save our souls.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  Save our souls. There we go.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah. So that was, that just felt like overkill.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  And a waste of your time.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Waste, a waste of their time.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  But, but you're in your element doing all that stuff, I imagine.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  No, I'd rather there was just a delete button saying, delete your account. Um, gliss, no more.

• 43:26Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  Bang, bang, bang, bang.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  What you?

• 43:31Speaker 01

  Just one of them. I shot them. I took matters into my own hands and discharged a right, no, the gliss are no more.

• 43:39Speaker 00

  Okay. So what happened there?

• 43:41Speaker 01

  They, I got a, I got a very kind man from a humane company.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  The big neck and a flamethrower.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  Plays a fiddle and he plays a tune that all of the gliss gliss, it puts them into a sort of sleep.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Then he scoops them up into a little hay lined, fur lined onto a little cushion and takes them to an enormous play. Takes them to enormous playground where they just get to play all their gliss gliss games.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  Well, I think that's a double tick.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  How you spelling gliss gliss again?

• 44:16Speaker 01

  G L I S, G L I S.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  And is it gliss gliss?

• 44:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:20Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Gliss gliss glee. Big on, big on the old losses at the minute, John. You better speed, speed up the window.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  It's bad for you, John.

• 44:26Speaker 01

  Well, wait till you hear this. I dispute this. But when I returned the hire car to the hire car company in Switzerland, they said there was a scratch on the rims. I have attempted to make my thoughts on the situation clear, that it should be the hire company's responsibility to provide proof of the condition of the car before handing it over, not mine.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  Unfortunately, I think there's just some kind of industry between the insurance and the hire car companies. Where it must, maybe it's the same company. I don't know.

• 45:01Speaker 00

  Well, the nice, the nice ones tell you to video the car. They remind you to do it before you get in.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  Well, I did video the car, but I just didn't video it in enough detail to see a scratch on the rim in bad light.

• 45:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. Okay.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  So I didn't win my, my moral fight, but I did, I had taken out the extra insurance.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  So how much has it cost you in total?

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Nothing.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  So is it?

• 45:26Speaker 00

  I mean, that feels like a win, but you've, you've presented to me like a loss.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  Well, I'm just angry at the system. It feels like some, there's a swizz somewhere. Cause they say there's a scratch here that wasn't there when you took it. You go, I don't agree. Then the insurance company go, yeah, we'll just pay you back the money. It's like, how can that come? How is that the way it works? But anyway, I got the money back, but it was, it, it felt unfair. Cause I would, I would a hundred percent know if I'd, if I'd scratched alloy rims on a car, I'd know about that instantly and worry about it for the rest of the holiday.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  I did a big old scrape on one of my alloys for my lease.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Can you fix that? Is, are there companies that fix alloy scrapes?

• 46:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, it'll be expensive.

• 46:11Speaker 01

  Um, there was a pheasant in my garden.

• 46:14Speaker 00

  Good or bad?

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Good. Great. Really nice. Uh, I went to see Jake Zerxy's Fussel and Naima Bock and it was one of the best gigs I've ever been to.

• 46:23Speaker 00

  Oh, well, that's a double tick, Dave.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Is it? Yeah, it's a double actually. Maybe for both. No, no, single, single for the gig.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  It's one of the best gigs you've ever been to.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  The seats are insanely uncomfortable.

• 46:33Speaker 00

  Always something. Where were you?

• 46:35Speaker 01

  I won't say.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Because it's a venue I support.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Was it the venue that we saw, knew at?

• 46:43Speaker 01

  Uh, no.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  No, but I know the one you mean.

• 46:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:48Speaker 00

  That is problematic.

• 46:50Speaker 03

  Jake, what's his name?

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Zerxy's Fussel.

• 46:52Speaker 03

  How you spelling it?

• 46:53Speaker 01

  X E R E S.

• 46:55Speaker 03

  Is it Jake?

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:57Speaker 03

  Jake. Say it again.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  Zerxy's.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  Fussel.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  How you spelling Zerxy's again?

• 47:02Speaker 01

  X E R, X E S.

• 47:04Speaker 03

  X E R?

• 47:06Speaker 01

  X E S.

• 47:07Speaker 03

  X E S?

• 47:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:09Speaker 03

  That's mad.

• 47:10Speaker 01

  Uh, and Fussel.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  And Naima.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  How you spelling Fussel?

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Doesn't matter, Dave.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  Oh, it does though.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Like Russell, but with an F.

• 47:20Speaker 00

  You're going to watch, uh, Henry Packer tonight?

• 47:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 47:23Speaker 00

  Annoyingly, I couldn't go last night because I had to make meringues. So thanks, Dave.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  And I did, I did think about you as I was making.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  You should have made them earlier in the week. They keep for weeks.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  I'm led to believe.

• 47:34Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  So.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, and Naima Bock, who was supporting, and they were both absolutely brill skills. And.

• 47:41Speaker 00

  I'll just Google Naima Bock.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  N A I M H A I? I'm not actually sure on that. In fact, she did start the gig by telling people how to pronounce, how her name was pronounced.

• 47:52Speaker 03

  Go on, hit me up.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Uh, N A I M A.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  I love her album, Below a Massive Dark Land. It's superb. And finally found a, uh, a bakery that do donuts like they were when we were kids. When they were deep fried and chewy, not big and flowery and bread-y.

• 48:13Speaker 00

  Yes, with lots of spiky sugar on the top.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Yes, and it was delicious.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  So is that then?

• 48:19Speaker 01

  It's in Camden.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  And I love it.

• 48:22Speaker 03

  And it's ye olde nineties donut shop.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  It's not actually, it's quite a modern donut shop, but they do custard ones, chocolate, pistachio and jam.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  Oh, perfect. Nineties flavours for a nineties mind.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  But it was the nineties style of donut, which has probably gone out of the window with woke.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  What do you mean? Not the woke bit?

• 48:47Speaker 01

  Well, they're like deep fried. They must be because they're crispy.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  And they ring?

• 48:51Speaker 01

  No, they're, still have ring donuts in the nineties, Dave. They're in Americanism.

• 48:57Speaker 00

  Like Churros a bit, I suppose.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, not a million miles from that, but I just, you know, they're sort of like, they're sort of chewy.

• 49:05Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. I used to get them in Tesco.

• 49:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the Tesco ones now are all like, just big, like undercooked bread dough.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  Uh, so where are we at, Dave?

• 49:15Speaker 03

  Gliss gliss glee. Hire car money back. Is that right? Correct? I'll, I'll put it in the losses as well, don't worry.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:21Speaker 03

  Uh, pheasant in garden, Jake Zerxy's Fussel and Naima Bock.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:26Speaker 03

  And nineties donut. It's five for the win.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Good stuff.

• 49:29Speaker 03

  I didn't miss anything there, did I? Ah, sugar. There we go. And then the losses, uh, overstocked dishwasher tablets, bought branded ketchup for four quid. Account deletion stress and hire car swizz for.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:44Speaker 03

  So you win five, four, John?

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Oh, that's pleasing.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  It's a, it's a ruckus.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  It's felt broadly like a loss.

• 49:49Speaker 00

  It doesn't feel like a win week though, the way John, do you know why? The way John presented those wins and losses, he felt more aggrieved at the losses than he was pleased at the wins.

• 50:00Speaker 01

  Hmm, very true. Very true.

• 50:02Speaker 03

  A win's a win.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Okay, more of them.

• 50:06Speaker 03

  Great. Thanks, John. Thanks, John.

• 50:15Speaker 03

  Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work.

• 50:34Speaker 03

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• 50:38Speaker 02

  Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at go.o.gle/workspacewithGemini.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  That's go.o.gle/workspacewithGemini.

• 50:48Speaker 05

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• 51:20Speaker 06

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• 51:54Speaker 01

  Exciting news, everyone. It's a content bonanza coming your way in the Alice and John cinematic universe, because we've got behind-the-scenes meringue footage, which, if my footage is to be believed, is amongst some of the most boring stuff you'll ever see in your life.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  No.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  I think mine is pretty half-hearted, Dave, I must admit.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  But do you remember how enraptured we were with Get Back, the documentary with the Beatles?

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm not the 20th century's greatest creative genius.

• 52:24Speaker 03

  But that was slow. It was ponderous at times. Not much happened at points.

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, but at the end, at the end of my videos, I haven't made Abbey Road, I've made him a ring.

• 52:36Speaker 03

  But did you make it on the roof of your management's company or anything?

• 52:40Speaker 01

  You've made the white albium.

• 52:44Speaker 03

  I don't get that.

• 52:45Speaker 00

  Albium, as in from an egg.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, oh, yeah.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  The white album.

• 52:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:51Speaker 00

  The band, the Beatles. It works on every level. It's good stuff, but if it needs explaining, it does lose something.

• 52:57Speaker 03

  No, that's just me. Okay, so there's bonus content knocking about, patreon.com/aliceandjohn.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:03Speaker 03

  Galore.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  Well, there's also some videos of my preparations for the fancy dress party.

• 53:07Speaker 03

  Great.

• 53:08Speaker 01

  Get to see Alice in fancy dress. I believe Marcus Waring walks through back of shot in one of the videos. I haven't asked his permission, so please don't tell him.

• 53:15Speaker 03

  Okay, it's a BTS bonanza.

• 53:17Speaker 01

  And I think he is quite litigious.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  I mean.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Not to walk in the background of a video, surely. What's, what's he gonna get?

• 53:24Speaker 00

  We'll settle at court.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  Well, hold on, this will cover it.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  And I'll cover it for that. Yeah. If you want to take us to court.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  No, I think we see it through.

• 53:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:34Speaker 03

  Well, we go, how much are you willing to, anyway, you know.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  Hundred grand.

• 53:38Speaker 03

  Fine, well, it comes out of the Alice James account.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  And most importantly.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Dancing with Dave, the adventure special. Every angle of one of, depending on your view, the most exciting disco events in the country, or one of the most lackluster DJ sets

• 54:02Speaker 01

  in the history of the world.

• 54:03Speaker 03

  No, no, no, you, you put yourself down. I think you've, you've created a USP for yourself behind the DJ decks, John.

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Being shy.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  I'll give you that. Well, not shy, I think.

• 54:11Speaker 00

  The most lackluster DJ. It wasn't lackluster in terms of the music I played, which I thought about very carefully.

• 54:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  But do you remember when I did the two DJ gigs in a day? I did Dancing with Dave in Brixton with you.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  And then I went to do Scared to Dance.

• 54:25Speaker 03

  And you did it sat down.

• 54:26Speaker 00

  I was just sitting down with my head in my hands, because actually I couldn't stand up, I was just tired.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 00

  That, that, the music was good, but I looked bad. And I've apologized to Paul since then.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  I think the secret to being a DJ I'm learning is actually, it's all, it's not to do with the music you play.

• 54:41Speaker 03

  It is, John.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  But it's to do with your sort of back and forth.

• 54:46Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Well, you just have to be, I don't know, you have to dance around and.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's a lot of that.

• 54:50Speaker 00

  Also, I think that of everyone Dave has got to do a DWD, you and I are by a distance the worst at that. Amy Glatchill was fantastic.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  I find it very hard.

• 55:01Speaker 00

  Stevie Martin was great at doing it. Anya's good at doing it. I just can't, I just can't.

• 55:08Speaker 03

  I used to be very shy behind the old decks when I started at the Phoenix.

• 55:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, but now you're like Mick Jagger, Dave.

• 55:13Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, I am quite proud of my, how, how I go. I couldn't have done what I did at Dancing with Dave in Brighton three years ago, because I was sober as a judge. Sober as a jaybird. And I was going for it. I quite enjoyed, I, I quite enjoy it now, but it's taken a while to get there, I think. But it was a fun day.

• 55:30Speaker 00

  You're like Freddie Starr.

• 55:31Speaker 03

  I'm just like Freddie Starr.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  Well, you sort of have to be a bit of a, bit of a panto, redcoat type vibe.

• 55:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe I've got that in me.

• 55:38Speaker 01

  What's like.

• 55:38Speaker 00

  You should get Shane Richie to do Dancing with Dave.

• 55:41Speaker 01

  Who are the big, is Calvin Harris a DJ?

• 55:43Speaker 03

  Calvin Harris is big, but he's cool.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  What would he be doing?

• 55:45Speaker 03

  Well, he, arms in the air.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  See, that's, yeah, that's good note.

• 55:48Speaker 03

  But also, but, but also fairly, fairly suave with it, I'd say.

• 55:52Speaker 00

  Fat boy Slim, I mean, Norman Cook was always very energetic.

• 55:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  But how can you be energetic when you're just pressing play?

• 55:59Speaker 03

  Because you've got to get involved, John, with the music. You're happy because you're playing music that you like.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  And all that kind of stuff. There's more to what they, what they're doing as well.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 56:07Speaker 00

  And what we're doing.

• 56:08Speaker 03

  But you, you swayed your arms in the air. Natasha Beddingfield.

• 56:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, did do that.

• 56:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. Anyway.

• 56:13Speaker 01

  But that's not to say the video's bad.

• 56:16Speaker 03

  No, no, the, I mean, the adventures, I watched a rough cut of it this morning. It's absolutely fantastic.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 56:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's a few surprises in there, which we won't reveal here, that pulls on the old heartstrings.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, let's hear a little clip.

• 56:28Speaker 03

  Hi, Dave. You've not touched any of the buttons, have you?

• 56:31Speaker 01

  You what?

• 56:32Speaker 03

  You've not touched any of the buttons. Tell me you've not touched any of the buttons.

• 56:34Speaker 01

  If I touched the buttons, you would know about it, Dave, because there'd be 10,000 people in here going crazy.

• 56:40Speaker 03

  Because you know Alice does struggle with his, with his mouse cursor control at points at Dancing with Dave's.

• 56:44Speaker 01

  I've tried to.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  Different trackpad.

• 56:47Speaker 01

  I've tried to keep.

• 56:48Speaker 03

  It's a trackpad issue, and now I'm used to your silly trackpad.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  Dave does have a silly trackpad. It goes different, it goes different, it goes the wrong direction.

• 56:58Speaker 03

  Goes the right direction.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it goes the right direction. Yours goes the wrong direction.

• 57:02Speaker 03

  Mine goes the wrong direction, but I'm used to it.

• 57:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 57:05Speaker 03

  And I hate being undermined. We need to change that attitude for the show. By my friend.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  But you undermine yourself by losing a cursor on a laptop.

• 57:15Speaker 03

  Laptop setup to my own. You see here, John, you know, when you just, the cursor goes to the bottom corner of the screen.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, my elderly neighbor doesn't have any problems with that.

• 57:30Speaker 03

  Good stuff. I mean, that's just one little snippet of us having a bit of fun behind the decks.

• 57:33Speaker 01

  That's a bit of fun.

• 57:34Speaker 03

  A lot more happens in it. George Egg as a special guest, which I think we should tease to, because it's, it's a wonderful moment as he, as he cooks up a storm. And you help him.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you can find that at patreon.com/aliceandjohn.

• 57:48Speaker 03

  And it'll be out this Friday.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  What's that, Dave? There's no phone in this office.

• 57:57Speaker 03

  Oh, it's the Alice and John phone. Yeah, we had it installed last week. It's when super, super friendly superstar guests want to get in touch.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  Well, why wasn't I consulted about this?

• 58:06Speaker 03

  Uh, because it's just a thing that sometimes production teams make decisions on.

• 58:09Speaker 01

  Okay, well, let's find out who's on the line. Hello, who's there?

• 58:12Speaker 05

  Hello, first time listener, second time caller.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  It's Lou. Hello, dear, how are you doing?

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Yes, I've just come in to check on my boys, slash peddle my wares.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  Well, what's, what's on, what on earth's going on?

• 58:28Speaker 05

  No, no, let's get the chit chat out of the way. How are you?

• 58:31Speaker 00

  Very good, thanks.

• 58:32Speaker 01

  I'm good, thank you.

• 58:35Speaker 00

  Where are you, Lou?

• 58:36Speaker 05

  I'm in my office.

• 58:37Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 58:39Speaker 05

  Can you believe I've, can you believe I've got an office?

• 58:41Speaker 03

  It's a lovely backdrop.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  On the 50th floor of the Shard.

• 58:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. It's got the waving cat, it's got the static cat.

• 58:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:50Speaker 05

  And it's got the cat's arsehole just up there.

• 58:52Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 58:53Speaker 03

  Oh, that's nice.

• 58:54Speaker 01

  That's nice. How's the pond doing?

• 58:59Speaker 05

  Oh, bad question, actually. It rumbles on, the pipe work doesn't work.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  No.

• 59:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, maybe I can position this just to show you. If you zoom in down there, it's sort of half full, but.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  I can't quite see there.

• 59:12Speaker 00

  So is it, is it full of rainwater?

• 59:14Speaker 05

  I'll send you some pickies. It's full of Southern Waters water, which really does come at a premium.

• 59:20Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 59:22Speaker 05

  And I'm just reading a book at the moment, Cody Dardes, How We Pay For The Water, about three times. So that's fun.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  How does that work?

• 59:29Speaker 05

  Well, we pay their shareholders, we pay, oh, I get lost in the details. Would recommend that book, though. Great to quote from.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  Is it a demoralizing pond?

• 59:40Speaker 05

  No, no, it's, in about two weeks, it's going to be the rest of my life, and it's going to be worth, worth it all. And Juice and's The Builder, I had a picture with delivery from Juice and's The Builder. So I'm on their Instagram as a favoured customer.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  You're the face of Juicens.

• 1:00:02Speaker 05

  It's not all bad. I'll let you know. I was in my pyjamas, put a coat on over the top and I'm grinning like an absolute idiot.

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  I am gonna, is that, is that on the Juicens Instagram page?

• 1:00:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's absolutely moronic, but it really does make me laugh and ashamed at the same time.

• 1:00:17Speaker 03

  My dad loves Juicens. He'll love this.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, my dad used to love Juicens.

• 1:00:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:22Speaker 05

  I, I've said it before, I said it again, I'm one for the dads.

• 1:00:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:27Speaker 00

  We used to go to Juicens to get sand for the sand pit in the eighties.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  And he loved it.

• 1:00:34Speaker 03

  Well, he was in the timber trade, my dad, and it's adjacent in a way, isn't it, I suppose?

• 1:00:39Speaker 05

  Seen it.

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  Oh, that's nice. Oh, yes. Lou, I hate to say it, you do look like someone who's got a coat on over some pyjamas in that photo.

• 1:00:52Speaker 05

  The pond has led me to a mental breakdown. It's true.

• 1:00:56Speaker 00

  From building materials to comedy royalty. A real pleasure meeting Lou Sanders while supplying materials for her project. Such a lovely, friendly person. Always nice to meet someone who's as down to it as they are funny. Thanks for choosing us, Lou.

• 1:01:11Speaker 05

  Sorry about my brag getting that in quite quick.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  Supplying materials to Lou Sanders. Yes, actually, cement, blocks, timber and aggregates.

• 1:01:21Speaker 03

  That's using initiative from the guy that popped around to your house there.

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  Proper building stuff for proper funny people. Same great materials, just for better jokes.

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  What's the chance of this going out on the BBC, David?

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  We've, we've strayed into, is this still editorially justifiable? It's, it's hard to say at this stage.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  I like wicks.

• 1:01:42Speaker 03

  There we go. Yeah. B and Q for me, John.

• 1:01:46Speaker 00

  And the others. Uh, yes, I like wicks and I like Screwfix. And I think all of them are building supplies for big ideas.

• 1:01:55Speaker 05

  Oh, that's gorgeous. That's gorgeous.

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  So, Lou, you've been a busy little bee, haven't you?

• 1:02:04Speaker 05

  Well, I just popped on here just in case people don't know that I have got a special out and I'm, I'm sort of wearing the jumper.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  No kissing in the bingo hall. Yes, friend of the show Lou Sanders has got a, um, a special out on Amazon. And we just spontaneously thought, why not find out all about it, following between six to 12 messages sent to producer Dave during the week, asking if she could come on.

• 1:02:30Speaker 00

  Where did you, where did you record it, Lou?

• 1:02:32Speaker 05

  Friend of the show. Stick with that. There was actually only four and he was in centre parts and didn't he make a fuss about it?

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  No, no, we're always happy to have you on, Lou. Of course we are.

• 1:02:47Speaker 05

  Very good. Well, I was going to come into the studio because I have got a little present for you all.

• 1:02:52Speaker 01

  Have you?

• 1:02:53Speaker 05

  Slash bribe. Yeah, I have.

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  What is it? What it is?

• 1:02:56Speaker 05

  Will I drop it round when I do the thing next week with you?

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  Oh, yes. More secrets, more excitement, more content coming your way.

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, of course. Yes, yes. No.

• 1:03:07Speaker 05

  Back to the hard sell, I guess.

• 1:03:10Speaker 03

  Give us, what are the top three things about the special, Lou?

• 1:03:13Speaker 05

  John's in it. John's voice is in it at the start.

• 1:03:16Speaker 01

  I'm in the audience as well.

• 1:03:17Speaker 03

  Oh, nice.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  Am I? Yeah, I am, aren't I?

• 1:03:20Speaker 00

  Did you record it at Earth in Hackney?

• 1:03:21Speaker 05

  You're not in the audience for that one. You didn't come to Ramsgate, did you?

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  No, no, I wasn't in the audience for that one.

• 1:03:26Speaker 00

  We saw it at Earth in Hackney. Earth in Hackney, the two of us.

• 1:03:29Speaker 05

  It got better. It got better. I made a few jigglements, you know, and it did better.

• 1:03:34Speaker 00

  Well, it was very funny in Earth.

• 1:03:37Speaker 05

  Anyway, I've suddenly got a bit shy.

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  Oh, you must be shy when you, when you're blowing your trumpet because this is a superb trumpet.

• 1:03:45Speaker 00

  Don't hide your light under a bushel, Lou.

• 1:03:47Speaker 05

  Well, I don't know. I don't really know much about PR, but I just thought whenever I do a show, people in the audience say they're like, oh my God. So the other day I was at a party and my friend Dan said, oh, you've got to come and meet this guy. He's a massive fan. He's a massive fan and he'd been boggling me across the dance floor, of course.

• 1:04:08Speaker 01

  Boggling you?

• 1:04:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, boggling. And I went over and I said, oh, hi, I'm no. And he went, I'm a massive fan of John Robins.

• 1:04:21Speaker 05

  And I was like, yeah, actually fair enough. But, um, and then I said to him, my special coming out does contain 5% John Robins. So I think you'll like that bit.

• 1:04:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:04:29Speaker 05

  Um, anyway, there's also other matters to discuss, actually.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What?

• 1:04:36Speaker 05

  Well, someone sent me a little video.

• 1:04:38Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:39Speaker 05

  Of old, um, old slippy fingers.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Oh, good grief. Are you out of your mind? Of old clever clogs?

• 1:04:48Speaker 05

  Old tricky digits.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  Old tricky digits. Old winning ones.

• 1:04:54Speaker 05

  Not, not for the first time you've been called that, I imagine.

• 1:05:01Speaker 05

  Ellis, how did you feel about the big betrayal?

• 1:05:06Speaker 00

  Absolutely banjaxed. I was knocked bandy. Um, it, it really, I, it's, it's just the ultimate gut punch from an old friend, Lou, because John's favourite sport, apart from golf, is cricket. And the thing with cricket is that it's played in the correct spirit. It's one of the, one of the great things about cricket. Yet he can't apply that to his own made up games. Um, I, it just made me very, very sad.

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  Nothing to say you can't bowl with your feet?

• 1:05:36Speaker 03

  Is there nothing to say you can't bowl with your feet?

• 1:05:38Speaker 01

  I'd have to check that.

• 1:05:40Speaker 00

  It hurt your feet. What, kicking the ball at the stumps?

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  No, you can kick the ball at the stumps.

• 1:05:44Speaker 05

  You know, you've got an honorary doctorate or whatever that was where you put the hat, put the hat on.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  From the Open University, yeah.

• 1:05:49Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:05:50Speaker 01

  Tribute to openness.

• 1:05:51Speaker 05

  I've made a few calls and they'd like it back.

• 1:05:54Speaker 03

  They want the hat back.

• 1:05:55Speaker 01

  I think they would say, I don't want to put words in the Open University's mouth, but they encourage outside the box thinkers. They encourage people who solve problems in unusual and inventive ways.

• 1:06:09Speaker 00

  It reminds me of the underarm bowling incident of 1981 between Australia and New Zealand, which actually became a diplomatic incident.

• 1:06:18Speaker 01

  It did, yeah. Richie Benno's commentary on that is great.

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. With one ball of the final over remaining in the match, New Zealand required a six to tie. To ensure that New Zealand were unable to achieve this, the Australian captain Greg Chappell instructed his bowler and younger brother Trevor Chappell to deliver the last ball to batsman Brian McKechnie underarm along the ground. It was legal, but it wasn't in the spirit of the game, is what I would argue. Pardon?

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  What happened?

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Well, obviously you can't hit a six from a, from an underarm ball that's been rolled along the ground.

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  Was the video for such a job? I want to watch that immediately.

• 1:06:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it made me very sad. And the outrage caused by the incident eventually led to an official amendment to the international laws of cricket to prevent it from occurring again. So next time we play, um, poor.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  Judgment.

• 1:07:07Speaker 00

  Poor judgment. Obviously we'll have changed the rules by then, but he's, he's got the victory, isn't he? That's the thing.

• 1:07:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. Just to say, we've not dropped made up games for this reason. There isn't, we've not paused made up games for this inquiry. It, we just, it was a busy show today.

• 1:07:20Speaker 05

  But it makes you look back on all the other victories and things. Are they victories?

• 1:07:25Speaker 00

  Wow, this is it.

• 1:07:26Speaker 05

  Is it a cheating little worm?

• 1:07:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:29Speaker 05

  Play for the top, you know?

• 1:07:30Speaker 00

  Nevertheless, widely perceived as being wholly against the traditional spirit of cricketing, fair play.

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  There we go.

• 1:07:38Speaker 00

  Not my words, the words of Wikipedia.

• 1:07:42Speaker 03

  Oh, well, Lou, thank you for coming on. Give it one more plug for us.

• 1:07:46Speaker 05

  Uh, well, you know, it's 50 minutes of your life and I, I stand by it.

• 1:07:53Speaker 03

  Great.

• 1:07:53Speaker 00

  Um, where can people see it, Lou?

• 1:07:55Speaker 05

  Um, Amazon Prime. I did the whole thing. I got my, my dress, it's slightly ridiculous because I got it taken out to have a poof in it. Because I hide, I hid a Cornish pasty underneath my dress. So I've got this seamstress in Westgate, who's lovely. We know each other quite well now. Anyway, she's sewed this massive giant Cornish pasty to my shorts and made the dress stick out so it would hide it. Then I forgot to do the bloody joke.

• 1:08:22Speaker 01

  She did the whole special with a Cornish pasty on your dress.

• 1:08:26Speaker 05

  And every time I see it, the only thing that annoys me is the dress is out at an angle. I'm like, oh, I could have just worn a normal dress because I didn't even do the Cornish pasty. And she actually saw me coming out because I went to go and, um, sell merch after. Yes, I'll, I'll go after. And she said, I could have said sign books. That sounds a bit better, doesn't it? But, um, anyway, and she went, you didn't do your Cornish pasty joke. And I was like, oh no. But that's my, yeah, that's my big note to myself. Apart from that, I stand by it all.

• 1:08:53Speaker 00

  So wasn't an edible proper Cornish pasty?

• 1:08:57Speaker 05

  No, it was, uh, uh, made of materials. No, it wasn't edible. I wasn't going to get someone to chow down on it as a final piece.

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  Yes, it was a prop Cornish pasty.

• 1:09:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  Made from cement, timber, aggregate.

• 1:09:17Speaker 03

  Thank you, Lou.

• 1:09:18Speaker 01

  Thanks, Lou.

• 1:09:18Speaker 03

  What a lovely way to end today, Zeb.

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  Lovely to see you, dear.

• 1:09:20Speaker 05

  Lots of love to you all. Bye, bye.

• 1:09:22Speaker 00

  Thank you. Bye.

• 1:09:23Speaker 05

  Bye.

• 1:09:24Speaker 01

  There you go. What a ram jam packed show.

• 1:09:26Speaker 00

  That would annoy me, having a Cornish pasty sewn into my.

• 1:09:30Speaker 01

  Skirt.

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  Skirt and then forgetting to do the joke would do my head in.

• 1:09:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:35Speaker 01

  Well, that's all for today, folks. Thank you so much for joining us. We'll be back with you on Friday.

• 1:09:48Speaker 05

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• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:11:29Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:11:34Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.