#587 - 101 Damatians, Mr Swede and Can I Check a Text Message!?

Today’s show is one of scenes and systems. We start with a quick dip in the children’s swimming pool scene, and quickly discover that Elis isn’t a fan. After towelling off it’s a trip to the pantomime scene, and the burning question of whether digital pantomimes are the future. There’s also a quick sub-stop off at the dame scene; are there multiple dame opportunities? When do you sign on the dotted line for dame work? Then we encounter the Samantha System. Could this small suggestion revolutionise the Cymru Connection? After today’s outing, you’ll definitely think that something needs to be done… Lastly we test Elis and John’s abilities in the pouring scene, in a Made Up Game that gets tensions rising and hearts racing. Do you have thoughts on any of the above scenes/systems? Let us know on [email protected]. For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. Elis James & John Robins is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini golf and picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching. My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 03

  This is the story of the one. As a shipping manager, he's running the dock, stocking supplies and making sure every order goes out on time. And Granger helps him stay prepared. From shipping supplies to PPE to hand tools, he counts on Granger to keep products moving and trucks rolling. So his operation runs smoothly, no matter the shift. Call 1-800 Granger, click Granger.com or just stop by. Granger, for the ones who get it done.

• 1:10Speaker 04

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• 1:19Speaker 05

  My boss asked for results, so I opened my dashboard for the only positive sounding metric I had. Impressions.

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• 2:01Speaker 01

  God, I love Microsoft Teams. Why though? Do I love it because it works? Of course not. Do I love it because it makes sense? Not on your Nelly. I love Microsoft Teams because it pushes me out of my comfort zone. If by comfort zone, I mean working with software that allows you to do the job you're using it for. At 11am yesterday, I had an important online meeting scheduled and because I'm punctual slash ill, I joined the meeting 10 minutes early.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  10.50 for an online meeting?

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Or so I thought. On clicking the link to the meeting, I was met with the usual screen where you can adjust your camera, check for nose hairs and pick any number of amusing backgrounds like an aquarium, a roller coaster, or undercover footage from an illegal abattoir.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  When I clicked join meeting, I was told I needed to verify my email address. So I entered it. I was then taken to a page that required everyone's favourite friend, the two-factor authentication code. This was to be emailed to me. On recovering the code and entering it, I was taken to a place I'd never seen before, a Microsoft Outlook email inbox. Despite not using Microsoft Outlook, I was intrigued to find disparate fragments of my life, a draft script for a voiceover I did in 2019, an incomplete application for a TFL account, and an agenda sent to me during an online meeting in lockdown. Where on earth was I?

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Surely there'd been some mistake?

• 3:36Speaker 00

  That makes me feel so tense.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. And if I simply clicked on the meeting link again, having passed verification, I'd be straight in. Wrong. No, clicking the meeting link started off the whole process again. More codes, more new inboxes, more fragments of a past life. Depending on your view, I was caught in some kind of exciting online treasure hunt slash incompetence loop. After searching for an explanation as to what was going on, I was given an answer that felt strange for a company that last year made a profit of $133 billion.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Because my email address is not a Microsoft address, in order to satisfy its security protocol, Microsoft creates a shadow account for you.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  Does it?

• 4:24Speaker 01

  A temporary email address to enable you to access Microsoft software. Frustratingly though, as soon as you've passed security verification to create your shadow account, it then forgets why it was doing it in the first place, thus making it impossible to join the meeting, but reassuringly enabling you to create infinite shadow email accounts in the comfort of your own home.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  That's cool.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  The only way I could have accessed the online meeting was to transfer my entire digital life over to a new ecosystem. And from the brief taste I'd had of its functionality, that would have been one hell of a ride. But maybe it's my age. Maybe it's because I've lost that need for adrenaline and adventure. Maybe it's just because I'm an old fashioned stick in the mud. Instead, we just used Zoom.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I remember that happened to me when we had a catch up with our agents and I just, I just couldn't get in.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  You can't.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  It's not possible. We were, we were meeting at 11am and at quarter past eleven, I said, can we do this on Zoom? Because I can't do this. I hate Teams.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Because it can't be done.

• 5:29Speaker 00

  But they all, I think.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Here we go. Here we go. Have a go, Dave. Every single sentence of that is factually accurate. That is reporting facts.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  No, no. Do what it does as well. Do what Teams does. It'll say, do you want to do it in the browser? And you're like, yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Because I've got a so-and-so email account and I do da, da, da, da, da. It would be so. And, and I've, I've downloaded Teams onto my computer.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:52Speaker 00

  Like I've, I've got it.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  I've got Teams for schools.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  I've got Teams for schools.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  I don't have any kids and I haven't been to school for 30 years.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  But I've got Teams for schools.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I had Teams on my, my computer from, from lockdown.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  And from the, well, like my accountant loves it.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Oh, they love it. So I sent, unfortunately, my agents get caught in the crossfire because this was nothing to do with my agents. But after this had happened, they sent me a message going, oh, we're just putting in a meeting for tomorrow. And I said, just FYI, I'm never using Teams again. So if the client wants to use Teams, I won't be able to attend. And they were like, you're all right, John?

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. We had a talk of a couple of days. You okay?

• 6:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, it's, um, come on then, Dave.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Come on, Dave.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Go and hang out, mention that. The security measures.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Zoom. Oh.

• 6:38Speaker 02

  The security measures that each of these big companies use and different ones take different strategies and processes to make sure you.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  I'm safe.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  AKA the customer.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  The consumer.

• 6:48Speaker 02

  The consumer is on terra firma.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  And they're all as good as each other, aren't they?

• 6:51Speaker 02

  They are actually. Because sure, Microsoft Teams goes about it one way. But you know, if you did Google meets, they're asking for an email address.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  They've got their own problems.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  They've got their, their, their.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  And their own plus points.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  And their own who remembers house party.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. Because what's the safest bank in the world? The bank that no one can get into and there's nothing inside.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Cash under the bed.

• 7:10Speaker 02

  Exactly. Exactly. I think.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  Now, cash under the bed is not safe because if robbers don't steal it, inflation will.

• 7:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. Cash under the bed's like Skype.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Yeah. Is it, Steve?

• 7:21Speaker 02

  No, no, no, that's, that's, that's wrong.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  The cash under the bed is just shouting as loud as you can from your house and hoping your accountant hears you.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  You've got pots with a bit of string.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  Is Skype still with us?

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Skype's still with us, Zoom's still with us, Google meets and Microsoft Teams. Just one big happy.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Riverside?

• 7:36Speaker 02

  Just one big happy. Well, that's not really a conferencing.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  Zen caster.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  If only they were.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  You've moved away from conferencing now, Ellis.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  Dave, I'm trying to, I'm trying to allow us to use this.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  If only they were one big happy family.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  No, yeah, yeah, it'd be nice. Yeah, they don't help each other out.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  One big functional family.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  They're competitors. But you know, pluses and minuses.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  But yeah, my accountants love it. Our agent, like, they like Teams.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Good. Who else loves it? This is good stuff. Anyone else who loves it? Because this helps.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Business dweebs.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  The LinkedIn community.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  The Calendie scene.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. John's big on the Calendly scene these days.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Calendie. Is it Calendly or Calendie?

• 8:13Speaker 02

  Calendie, I think.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  It's where you like, if someone, if I said to you, Ellis, if you said, can I, can I call you later? I'd be like, I'd send you a Calendie link to book a.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  I?

• 8:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Oh, right. It's the kind of thing I'd like to have done before.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  Could you book in an appointment with me, please, Ellis? And you would see my Calendie link. It's just 9am to 5pm clear for the next thousand years. And he'd be like, can I just book a Calendie link?

• 8:42Speaker 00

  My, my agent has access to my calendar, my Google calendar. And occasionally, obviously I put in like domestic stuff in there as well and stuff for the family. But I often use, I often put things in that annoy me, but I will, I will swear.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  So they, they, so it'd be like, you know, 11am, meet with John and Dave to discuss so-and-so. Midday, sort out the washing machine, you, asterix, asterix, asterix.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  Do you?

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. But I often wonder if they worry about my state of mind.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  Like, I don't like taking the kids swimming. So it'd be like, ah, take the kids swimming, you complete.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  Where, where do you stand on the family swim? So when you all get in the pool and you, you know, you mess around in the shallow end and where do you stand on the enjoyment of that?

• 9:31Speaker 00

  I detest taking the kids swimming.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do. I detest it. Why is that though? Because we should be better humans.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  I do it. They go every week because I need them to learn to swim.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  It's, uh, but it's the rigmarole of getting children ready and the smell of chlorine and the fact that every stuff just gets wet.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Dampness, brackets, general.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Oh my God.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  Wet socks.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  All in a small cubicle.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  All this, all that. And swimming pools are too humid.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  And the floor is wet and it's too hot. So sometimes when I take them for their lesson, I'm just watching.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  But can you be?

• 10:02Speaker 00

  I've got to take a bottle of water with me or I'll, I'll overheat.

• 10:05Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 10:06Speaker 00

  Like it's mad.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  When I was growing up, the, the leisure centre in Thornbury, you had the swimming pool and the changing rooms, but then you also had the cafe and a, like a big window.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Yes, we had that in Carmarthen.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  With your coke and your chips and watch the kids swimming.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Not where I'm, not where I'm from.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Could you not do that?

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Not where I'm going.

• 10:25Speaker 00

  No, not where we're going either. Yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  There should be official that for parents, there's a dry zone, like a chill out zone for parents.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  When I used to take, when I used to take Betty to gymnastics, you could, there was a small window that you could watch the children do gymnastics, but there were only two chairs. But obviously like 50 kids.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  So it was only two parents who really got to see. So you had to be quite sharp.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  Like a rotational system in place.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  No, it was, it was, I'm not going to name them.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  But there were, there were, there were two parents who watched every week. Best of luck to them. But it's been a big week for me.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 11:00Speaker 00

  Well, obviously DJ'd with you on Saturday, last Saturday, Dave.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Bought down the roof. Is that the phrase?

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Lifted the roof.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  Brought the house down.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  Brought the house down. Roof blew the roof off.

• 11:09Speaker 02

  Yes, those things.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Did stand up, did a stand up gig for Parkinson's UK at, at the Bloomsbury Theatre, which was a lot of fun, very, very good build, nice lineup. And obviously you're looking at the spirit of the bells, Steve.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  I am. I've seen stuff.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Because I'm in panto again. And I've been filming my, I've been filming my part for the Lyric Theatre Carmarthen pantomime, which runs throughout December. I'm the spirit of the bells.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Is this the interview I saw with you where you're wearing like a ruff?

• 11:43Speaker 00

  And it doesn't get referenced.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  You make no reference to it at all throughout the interview. You're talking about Swansea's chances of being in the Premier League.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  That was, that, that.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Dressed as a sort of.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Fop.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  That was an excerpt of the interview.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  And in the longer interview, do you reference the fact you're dressed?

• 12:00Speaker 00

  In the longer, in the longer interview, I reference the fact that I'm dressed like a sort of space fop.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, a space fop from the planet, uh, you know.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  You look a bit like Prince George in Blackadder.

• 12:11Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  The third.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, and with quite a similar makeup.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Hmm. So are you appearing digitally again?

• 12:18Speaker 00

  Digitally again.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  It's not a bad wheeze, actually.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  It's good stuff.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Just appearing in panto on a pre-recorded segment.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Because if you think about it, you could be appearing in every panto on earth.

• 12:29Speaker 00

  Yes, I could.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  I wonder if I could get into this.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  I think I'd be disappointing a lot of children.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Must be quite a nice thought, though, that you've, you've recorded something and you, you, you're getting in for a nice, comfy evening at home. And you think to yourself, I'm currently, my face is currently on in that theatre entertaining kids.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  I'm doing matinees at the weekend, dude.

• 12:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's quite a nice thought that it's just happening.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  And I took, we took the kids last year and surprised them. They didn't know I was in it. So then obviously when I appeared in a puff of, uh, smoke, they were like, oh.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Great.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Because they hadn't, they unclocked the poster. I look very sad on the poster, but this year I look, I look happier on the poster.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  That poster was insane. Looked livid.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, it did look, I was the spirit of the magic mirror last year, but this year I'm the spirit of the bells.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  But, uh, yeah, and there's a couple of local jokes. Yes, there's a reference to Pancavallen.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  What does that mean?

• 13:18Speaker 00

  It's a village.

• 13:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  I just, I just do a lot of postcode gags because I know the.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  But what's the funny angle on Pancavallen? What would you, what would you talk about?

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Well, you'll have to go and watch The Quittington at the Lyric Theatre Carmarthen. Spoiler. I'm not giving you spoilers.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  What was the play last year?

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Uh, I was the spirit of the magic mirror, so it must have been Cinderella.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Do you know what? The, the princess-based pantomimes are more successful than the adventure-based ones. So Cinderella and like Snow White, they're the ones that you really, they're, they're more popular than sort of, um, you know, uh, other titles. So they will always try and go back to the princess-based ones as often as they can.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  We go to Stockport Plaza every Christmas and there's a guy who does it every year, who's usually the kind of jester character. I don't know his name. I should, I should give him.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  What's weird is every town and city.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Has its sort of pantomime character.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Who, isn't, it's not like they're sort of very mega famous, but within the surrounds of that city, they're the guy who plays Buttons.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  And he, he's very funny and you kind of assume he's probably somewhere on commercial radio.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, or like a second-hand car dealer who does a lot of Amtram.

• 14:25Speaker 00

  My friend Vern Griffiths is an actor and he's an incredibly in-demand dame.

• 14:30Speaker 02

  Brilliant.

• 14:31Speaker 00

  So he does the, he often does the grand pavilion in Porthcawl, but he's a brilliant dame, Vern.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Problem is it's feast or famine as a dame. It's very seasonal.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  There's no summer dame.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  No, no, no. He's an actor for the other 11 months of the year.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  But in terms of your dame work.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  But your dame work, he's a good dame, but he does dame work sort of December, January.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you don't want to sign on the line too soon for the dame, because what if you get a better offer?

• 14:56Speaker 02

  What, in December? What's going to be better than dame work in December?

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, you might have multiple dame opportunities, Dave.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  Oh, so then you've, yeah, yeah. Well, actually, they've offered me this.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  The pavilion are offering you the dame in, I don't know, Cinderella, the, the.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  Vegas sphere is offering you.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  The Plaza are offering you the dame in Puss in Boots.

• 15:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  And you think, oh, well, Puss in Boots is next £100 a week, so I'll go for that. Suddenly.

• 15:21Speaker 00

  You're offered the role of Smee.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  You're offered the, yeah, you're offered Smee. Or someone comes who says, it's dames only. I'm going to create the first dames-only pantomime.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  It's called 101 Damatians.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  And you would be the chief dame.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  But you can't because you've signed on the line for the Plaza.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  Steve Elias, who is the dame at my pantomime, the Lyric, he is the person you're talking about. He, he got nominated for, um, he got nominated for sort of Dame of the Year Award at the UK, at the UK pantomime awards.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  But he is, he's a great dame and he's friends with, he's friends with Vern because the, the pantomime dame community hang out.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Hmm. But you can't get many of them in a room at once because they're enormous dresses.

• 16:12Speaker 01

  So they can't hug. That's the one tragedy of a dame. No two dames can ever embrace.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  No, they, they can't be physically affectionate.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Because of the bustle.

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Or is it a bolster? Dave, look into Victorian clothing, please.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  But, um, no, I don't, I would never do a, I could never do a pantomime where I was live every night. It's, heck, it's hard graft.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  Seven days a week.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  I wonder what the people in the pantomime.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  Four shows at the weekend.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  Who are doing it live every night think when they see your video.

• 16:46Speaker 00

  Well, I met them. I met them last year. We went backstage and they were very, very nice.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  Were they saying anything under their breath?

• 16:51Speaker 00

  No, John, he wanted them to.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's hoping.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  You want that to be the case, but they were very nice.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Maybe there's, uh, on the horizon is the first ever fully digital pantomime, like Abba Voyage.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Yes, I think that's quite a bleak idea because obviously, you know, Steve Elias, for instance, or Vern are very good at improvising in the room.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  And a screen can't throw sweets at the front row.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Yes, I suppose there must be like a Wallace and Gromit style machine where that can happen.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Miniature catapults or a drone.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  Dave, write that down. Digital pantomime.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  A drone dropping Maoam's?

• 17:27Speaker 01

  With a drone dropping Maoam's all over the front row.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Am I actually writing this down?

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, write it down. It's a money-making exercise.

• 17:34Speaker 02

  You're not going to do anything with it. You can't get on Microsoft Teams to talk it through.

• 17:37Speaker 01

  I just get every recording as a buyout. Put it on a, I'll just edit them together and what, what editing should I use? Word? Can you do that in Word?

• 17:44Speaker 02

  What's this for? What are you trying to edit?

• 17:45Speaker 01

  A digital pantomime, Dave.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  Okay, Premiere Pro.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  Okay, so you tell me how to do that and I'll make the pantomime and then I'll get a drone to drop Maoam's on the front row.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  So it's like, yeah, so it's an entirely Android sort of based pantomime. I think it's disappointing for the children.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  They're not like the sweets, though. That's all they can.

• 18:06Speaker 00

  They're like the sweets being dropped on them by a drone. Yeah. It's quite bleak, actually.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Maybe the kids are put to sleep by the gentle gas. It's released at the start of the show.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  And you could disguise the drone as a cloud. So it looks like a lovely cloud raining down sweets.

• 18:23Speaker 00

  So the digital pantomime is shown.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Some light anaesthetic.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  The, the, the digital pantomime is shown to a full theatre of sleeping anaesthetised children.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  And their parents who are too large in size for the anaesthetics to take full effect. So they're just sleepy.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. But they're having Maoam's.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  The dwarf.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  But they're having Maoam's dropped on them by drones.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Yes, it's money.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Tell Stephen Bart that, Dave.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  You tell Stephen Bart. I don't want to tell him that. It's embarrassing.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  Scott Gallagher is the guy who I was thinking of. He deserved a shout out there because he's very good.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  He won't be as good as Vern.

• 19:02Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not have a Dancing with Dame.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  He's not always a dame. He was Smee last year and he was Buttons the other day before. He comes out and he goes, all right, Stockport! And everyone goes, all right, Buttons!

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Every time he comes out, every time he comes out, all right, Stockport!

• 19:20Speaker 00

  That is so funny.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  He's very funny. It's good stuff.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  That's so funny. Well, he should be going, Stockport Buttons Vibes in the area!

• 19:30Speaker 02

  He did do Stockport Vibes in the area last year as well and I wanted to stand up and applaud.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  I love it.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Okay, Dave.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  Because you've got to reflect modern culture.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  He did a lot, he did a lot of Oasis gags last year.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  2025 in the pantomimes, there was a lot of six-sevens stuff.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  Six-sevens, absolutely.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  That was big. I don't know what it would be this year.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Dave, okay, I can't believe I'm saying this. Scrap the idea of the digital pantomime with the anaesthetised children and the, the drones dropping Maoam on the front row.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  I didn't write it down anyway, so we've saved time there.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  It's a rare occasion, I'll say good. Uh, replace that with Ellis and John and Dave's pantomime.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  No, well, that, we should do that. We should do that, to be fair.

• 20:07Speaker 01

  And I play Prince Charming.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  But it's very rude.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  And Peter Pan.

• 20:11Speaker 00

  It's boobs in the wood.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Can I be Buttons? Can I be Buttons, please?

• 20:15Speaker 01

  You can be Buttons and Ellis. Uh, what do you want? Who one do you want to play? Well, you can play the magic mirror and the Cinderella.

• 20:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll be the magic mirror.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  And the crocodile.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  And I'll be Captain Hook and Peter Pan.

• 20:24Speaker 00

  But it will be dripping in innuendo.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Oh, God, yeah. And it'll be released only on an 18-step VHS, available in motorway services.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Because some of it will be vile.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  Some of it will be hateful.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:46Speaker 03

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• 21:46Speaker 06

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• 22:21Speaker 01

  Right, wowzers, trousers. Let's return to the tensest feature in podcasting. It's time for the Cymru Connection.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Just, um, just underlining some key words in the script. Failure dropped, gap, staring down the barrel, retaking a year, turn back time. Okay, after last week's failure to connect with caller John, Ellis's connection rate has dropped to 47.17%. He's now achieved 50 connections out of 106 callers and his gap in connection with the youth of today is becoming ever more apparent. Ellis is staring down the barrel of at least an internship and possibly even retaking a year of school after that. But instead of trying to turn

• 23:41Speaker 01

  back time, what if Ellis could bank time itself? Samantha emails. Hello, my tasty trio. I, like others, am enjoying the constant agony and ecstasy that is the quest for the magic 50 in Cymru Connections. It has to happen. We need to see it. I proffer a suggestion to help Ellis cross that magical line: the rollover. There have been occasions, well, a couple at least, where Ellis connects with plenty of time to spare. Where does this time go?

• 24:10Speaker 00

  That is interesting. Samantha.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  Time is finite, precious and should therefore not be wasted if at all possible. Imagine a world where, in such an instance, Ellis gets the chance to use the remainder of the time the following week to go for a double connection. One with the time left from the previous week and then a second with a fresh 60 seconds.

• 24:34Speaker 00

  Hmm. Can I just say that I think Samantha has my best interests at heart.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  I think she does.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  And I like Samantha.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  But I am going to tweak her format point.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  Don't you just combine the time?

• 24:46Speaker 01

  I think you do.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  You combine the time.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Yours in hope, Samantha. I like that.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  I like that because we get a lot of suggestions from people that haven't been in the radio industry as long as I have and know, and know how to run a feature.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  Drug all the kids and use drones to drop malams out of the sky.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  We all agreed it was a bad idea in the end. We scrapped that.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  We did.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  But this is, this is decent.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  I don't mind that at all.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  That's pretty decent. Yeah.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  So in future, okay, I think you'd either have to have Samantha's system whereby, so say Ellis connects in 10 seconds.

• 25:21Speaker 00

  I like calling it the Samantha system.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  This is the Samantha system.

• 25:24Speaker 00

  It's like the, the, the Nivelli Protocol, the Samantha system.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  So you then would get an extra 50 seconds the next week.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  So you get a minute 50. But what if you then connected in a minute? Does, because then you could get into quite complicated.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  It's a rollover. Yeah. It's like the.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  I think it's maybe it can only roll over once.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  No, because he, you know what he's like. There'll be a point where, there'll be a point where you don't get it and it's back to zero again. Yeah. But in the meantime.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Oh, I see.

• 25:54Speaker 00

  So I think, no, he gets, he gets all the rollovers he likes.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  But no, there is a potential in that where you end up and he's just got five minutes.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  That means that you will have to keep getting it right week on week to build that up.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, but he's going to be getting more and more time. But I'm not saying it's likely, but I'm saying it's possible, Dave. Nature finds a way. But anyway, we'll put a pin in that, Samantha. Thank you very much.

• 26:18Speaker 00

  Why don't we do it today? Why don't we just start it and then we can figure it out? So it's what we do with most features here.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Dave, you may think that, but a lot of work here goes on behind the scenes that you don't see.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Really?

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, it happens in my mind. Um, okay, Samantha, thank you so much for your suggestion.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Pop a pin in it.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  We're going to pop a pin in that. Let's see what happens today. We have a caller on the line. Caller, what's your name?

• 26:42Speaker 02

  Dylan.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Dylan, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with Ellis. The time is on the clock. Your time starts now.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Where's your school?

• 26:51Speaker 02

  41. I school Gavin Reed Valen.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Reed Valen, so Pontypridd?

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:57Speaker 00

  Do you know Bruchan England?

• 27:00Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Okay, Reed Valen. What do you do for a living?

• 27:07Speaker 02

  I work for an insurance company, but I used to be a teacher.

• 27:10Speaker 00

  Okay, where did you teach?

• 27:11Speaker 02

  I school Gavin Garthog.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Oh, uh, do you know Richard Davis who teaches drama?

• 27:18Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  Do you know, um, uh, Rhiannon England who teaches at Garthog, I think?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  No, I don't think she teaches in Garthog.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  Ah, oh no, she teaches Gwynlew. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Garthog, Garthog. Oh, um, I've done gigs at Garthog. Um, I've, I did a gig there a month ago. What's, uh, do you know?

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Who's there?

• 27:41Speaker 00

  What is his name? Is it, can I check, can I check a text message? Can I check a text message?

• 27:51Speaker 00

  What is his name? What is his name? What is his name?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  If you don't know the name, you don't know the.

• 27:58Speaker 00

  But I've, he's, I've done loads of gigs there.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  That's just a memory thing.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  That's a memory thing.

• 28:03Speaker 01

  That's fine.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  I'd shake him by the hand.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  And say, sorry, I've forgotten your name.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I've got an illness.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  Check a text and then scream.

• 28:11Speaker 00

  I've got an illness.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  Keep this guy on the line.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  He is on the line.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  Good, good, good, good, good. Haylyn, do you remember Haylyn that worked at Garthog? Yeah, I know Haylyn. Oh, no, he was there.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Good Lord.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  Oh, my. Dylan, you've hit a nerve there, a nerve that we've never seen before on the Ellis and John show.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  Well, that's because I do Garthog on every tour.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 28:46Speaker 00

  I do it on every tour. I love Garthog. It's one of my favorite. I always do it at the end of the run because it's one of my favorite ones. And by then the show is ready. And you love everyone that works there. Yes, Dave. I'm just bad with names. So am I. So am I.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Dylan, do you know any other connections?

• 29:08Speaker 02

  I've seen Ellis a couple of times this year. I saw, I saw him in, in Garthog. He also did the staff general meeting for the company I work for earlier in the year as well.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't want to talk about that.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Do you know Geraint Hardy and John Hardy? What, John Hardy, the commentator? Yeah. No, I don't actually. I'd, because I'm a fan of his work, I'd shake him by the hand, but I would be introduced to myself for the first time. But I don't know John Hardy. I think I might have been introduced to him once, but I wouldn't say that I'm a friend of his. Whereas Haylin, I've worked with Haylin.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  Did I tell you about when I renewed my car insurance and the guy I spoke to saw Ellis at the gig?

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Oh, no, no, actually, I cannot listen to this story and I will just walk away.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  Okay, I don't want you to walk away.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  If you're desperate to tell the story, it's fine, but I'll go to the disabled toilet.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  No, no, no. I think, did I talk about it?

• 29:59Speaker 00

  I don't think you did.

• 29:59Speaker 01

  Because I wrote down all his comments. They were all positive. They were all positive. Anyway, Dylan, thank you so much.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So you're 41.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  And you went to Reidverlen.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  So you would have been four years younger than my friend Brachan, who was at Reidverlen as well. I'm trying to think of other people he was friends with. Because it's the valleys, they're all, they're all, they've all got big beards and hairy arms. That doesn't really, that wouldn't count as a connection. That doesn't really narrow it down.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Do you like any sport, Dylan?

• 30:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, rugby and football. I go to watch the Wales games with Geraint Hardy mainly. Don't go to any away games or anything.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  Where did you grow up? Did you grow up in Ponty?

• 30:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, in Avellisa, which is just near Church Village, just outside Pontypridd.

• 30:49Speaker 00

  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, it's fine. There's Mooney connections, I would imagine. Did you ever perform at the Mooney in Ponty? Pontypridd?

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Probably would have done when I was in school, yeah, but.

• 31:05Speaker 00

  I'm, do you know what, Dylan?

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Don't think I'd know anyone's name.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  I'm in agony.

• 31:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  I'm in agony right now.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  Because that's the one connection as well.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  That's fine. But that is fine. It's fine.

• 31:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  It's just I'm in agony. That's fine. Nice to meet you, Dylan.

• 31:23Speaker 01

  Nice to meet you, Dylan.

• 31:24Speaker 00

  It's not your fault and you're a good person.

• 31:28Speaker 00

  You've done nothing wrong.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  No, of course not. Well, we'll have another Cymru connection next week.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  If you don't remember, Brachan, he began and ended puberty in a week.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  He woke up on Monday morning as a child and by Friday he was a bloke with a beard.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  I think the name's familiar, but I don't think I'd know it.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, and his brother, Ewan, from Albevan, but not to worry, not to worry, it's absolutely fine. Dylan, you're a good person and you've not done anything wrong.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  All right, bye bye, Dylan.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Thanks, all. Ta-ra.

• 31:56Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Now, I like, I think I know Elis James pretty well and I'm going to suggest that that might have taken a bit out of him.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  I mean, there is, there are often suggestions that we shouldn't go into a made up game straight off the back of a harrowing.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  That was hard. That was hard to watch because I don't think we've ever been closer to a connection without getting it as what just happened there.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  If I could have searched my messages more quickly.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Can I send a text message? No, can I check a text message? Will ring in my ears for days.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Because that was, that was harrowing stuff.

• 32:27Speaker 00

  Because my friend just did know Haylin and he was, him and his family were at the last time I did the Gartholig, which was in July, I think.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:35Speaker 00

  I've been there relatively recently. Oh.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  There is a fun made up game on the way that if it's any consolation, Al, it's.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  I was just thinking, were this, were the roles reversed?

• 32:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  Say we'd been doing the Robins connection for the last 22 years. I was, my first thought was I would just have such an elaborate sort of connection of documents.

• 32:58Speaker 02

  Where?

• 32:59Speaker 01

  On my laptop.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  Like, so I would type in a place and suddenly, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. But then I was thinking, that would be such bad radio. Because I'd literally be going, hi, what's your name and where do you go to school? Okay, just play a little background music.

• 33:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  Did you, you know Mr. Sweet, who was my DT teacher?

• 33:18Speaker 00

  Mr. Sweet?

• 33:19Speaker 01

  I think so. But it just smelt like the fruit.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  It's not really in the spirit of the, Ellis plays it in the spirit of the game, which is its reflexes.

• 33:27Speaker 00

  I'm Brian Close. I'm facing a fast bowling attack without a helmet.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  And everyone's saying, just wear a helmet, mate. You could save your life. And you're going, no, I've got a point to prove here.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. And there'll be a famous picture of me in the changing rooms with lots of, sort of, welts on my chest.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:44Speaker 00

  Because I, you know.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  Start to use a bat for crying out loud.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  Taking bouncers to the body. But I'm Brian Close, John. He was 45 when I was there.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  People were built so differently in the past.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  That, the footage of that test is unbelievable.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  And then you see players now like calling for new gloves every three overs because they've got sweaty and you think, come on.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  Really? Watch the Brian Close footage.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  And don't do that.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  And don't do it.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  But anyway, so that is the Cymru connection. We're going to take a quick break now and then we're going to play a made up game.

• 35:23Speaker 06

  Hey, it's Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad and the holidays are around the corner, which means I'm officially entering my Hostess Hannah era with Arm and Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. You guys know I love cats and fostering, but when I'm hosting, I do not want my house smelling like cats. I want people focusing on my hosting skills. That's why I love Arm and Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. It delivers long lasting odor control and forms compact clumps that make cleanup easy. So that's one less thing I need to worry about when people come over. Be guest ready with Arm and Hammer Cat Litter. Find it now at Walmart or Amazon.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  Right then, everyone, it's time for a made up game and I've got to say, there's a lot of paraphernalia involved.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Yes, there is.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  There's a lot of different vessels. I'm looking at an empty cafetiere, two glasses, a Pyrex measuring jug.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  It's one of the Pyrex icons range, in fact.

• 36:15Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Two, two Premier in Chili bottles.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  That's got no, that's got no bearing on the game. Just, it's a good size.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  So don't worry about that.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  But then Travelodge Chili Bottles is just as good size, aren't they, Dave?

• 36:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, they are. They are, actually.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  And holidaying.

• 36:31Speaker 02

  Thank you. It genuinely, genuinely helps.

• 36:33Speaker 00

  And ibis.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  You love ibis?

• 36:36Speaker 00

  The Dorchester, the Ritz.

• 36:38Speaker 02

  The Langham.

• 36:39Speaker 00

  God, do you know what? I went to a hotel this morning because I wanted, because it was chucking it down and I wanted to do a bit of work quite early. So I was walking through Holborn in London. There's a beautiful hotel. I thought, I wonder if you can just nip in and just do work in their bar? And I did and it was amazing. And I thought, I just wonder how much the hotel rooms here are. £2,000 a night.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  Standard hotel. And I'm there just having a coffee.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Absolute waste of money.

• 37:02Speaker 00

  But it's fascinating. It's interesting that you can just walk in and just have a coffee and kind of be in that world.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  No, because I, did you look at the prices? They were, I think it was £28 for poached eggs on toast.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  What you would get for that is maybe a little room with a little shlong and a little table on it and a minibar.

• 37:18Speaker 02

  You do get, it is a bigger room. Like, they are nice rooms.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  But it's like, it's like paying for business class. You're not getting like five grands worth of stuff.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  No, no. But lovely hotel. Nice to be in that world for half an hour as I tapped away on my laptop.

• 37:32Speaker 00

  Was the coffee nice?

• 37:33Speaker 02

  The coffee was nice.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Was it?

• 37:34Speaker 02

  It was a good coffee and the toilets were fantastic.

• 37:37Speaker 00

  They're gonna be clean. They're gonna be clean.

• 37:40Speaker 01

  And that is worth two grand.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  It is. That's, yeah, I mean, it was well furnished, this hotel. Anyway.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Where was it?

• 37:49Speaker 01

  But everyone had very soft hands.

• 37:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, and the staff just oozed, oozed class.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  And that's all you want them to ooze.

• 37:56Speaker 00

  They didn't seep anything.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  Nice uniform, like these very well fitted checkered trousers.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  But again.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Like, roo-ala, roo-put the bear.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  For the, for £1,950 extra.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  I don't mind if the guy's got a bit of a stain on his tie.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  No, they had no stains.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  Did they, did they seem happy to have you in there, Dave?

• 38:17Speaker 02

  Do you know, very welcoming, given that I was an interloper.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  Because I'm, I don't think this will ever go, but if I'd walked into a hotel that charged that to do some work and I wasn't a resident or staying, I would feel that they didn't want me in there. You're smartly dressed, I suppose.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  I was looking all right, but you know, I was tapping away. I looked very professional doing a bit of work, I suppose. I wasn't just slumped in the corner.

• 38:39Speaker 00

  It is the toilets that make the difference.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  But then you look around, you know, who are these people that are spending £2,000 a night? And they've got, they're there with their family and stuff. It's lovely.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  And they're looking at you going, why is that guy keep going to the toilets? Well, we've got nice toilets. He's probably just checking out, but he keeps going to the toilets.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  He's drinking all the coffee, John. I need the toilet.

• 38:56Speaker 00

  So clean. You could have a torrid time in that toilet.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  You could, actually.

• 39:01Speaker 00

  But within half an hour, someone sorted it out.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Good stuff. Anyway, it's a nice little tip and it's not just a London thing. If you just need to nip in somewhere, most nice five star restaurants will just let you.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Five star restaurants?

• 39:13Speaker 02

  Five star hotels. I mean, I'm sure it was a five star restaurant as well.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  If you went into a five star restaurant and said, yeah, if I just get my laptop out and I have a coffee. No, I'm not eating, not having any food.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  Nah, no thanks, mate.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  Can I see the window?

• 39:27Speaker 00

  My dad always.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Oh mate, look at that, looks dead nice. What you got there? My name's Dave. I just come in here, they don't mind, they're dead nice.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  Do you mind if I taste a bit of that? Can I dip me chip in that weird sauce?

• 39:37Speaker 01

  Eh, snails. That's gross.

• 39:42Speaker 00

  Can I lick the plate?

• 39:46Speaker 02

  What have you been there?

• 39:48Speaker 00

  My dad always used to say when I was a teenager, on the very, very rare occasions, like he'd have to go to London for a meeting, which happened about twice in the 90s, he would always say, "You've got to have breakfast in the best hotels, because that's where, you'll never know who you'll meet. Bill Gates might walk in and say, 'Oh, I need a quantity sphere, I put my hand up.'"

• 40:05Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Where was that place where you had breakfast? That was really nice. Where I had that insane, I just ate so much I almost fell asleep and died in my sleep.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  What, with Ed Gamble? And we went to the Woolsley.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  The Woolsley, yeah. I had their, it's like a dish with a thousand eggs and a full haddock.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  It's cold.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  An Arnold Bennett.

• 40:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  Good grief.

• 40:31Speaker 00

  You had the thousand egg haddock dish.

• 40:32Speaker 01

  I had the thousand egg haddock dish.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  And then you walked to Radio X and got grumpy that they wouldn't let you in the building.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Was this recently? Yeah, like two years ago.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, good day, though.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was a good day.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Good day. Shall we play a made up game?

• 40:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  Let's have one final blast of Joe's shiny floor jingle, because it's a belter. Here we go.

• 41:34Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm happier.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Hmm. You can't be sad listening to that.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  Nah.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  There's no downbeat daytime quiz shows.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  I'm spotting a gap in the market. A lot of depressed people in the house.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  There are, yeah. Sad, sad blockbusters. Beta blocker busters.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  That's good.

• 41:57Speaker 01

  Thanks, Dave.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Scores on the doors. Ellis's victory in last week's game of slap bang in the middle won him a second game in the third set, so it's now two games all in the third set, and there is everything to play for.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Dave, why is there a microphone pointing at a measuring jug?

• 42:13Speaker 02

  I'm not sure at this stage. We'll see. We'll see whether this adds anything, but it's there. It's there. It's there to try and pick up the table at Moss. And you'll see why in a minute.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  John's still leading two sets to love overall. Now, there is an interesting scoring strategy, which maybe we should just cover quickly here. We've had a scoring suggestion for the post-tennis scoring era, whenever that does take place, from Jake in Singapore. "Hi Ellis, John and Dave, I have another suggestion for the next made up game scoring system. What about snooker scoring? The first win in a row would pot a red. If Ellis or John wins again the following week, they get to pot a colour ball. This would be decided by rolling a dice to choose which of the six colours they pot. If the other person wins the next game, they miss out on the colour pot and the new potential streak begins."

• 43:02Speaker 00

  A frame would take ages.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, but does the scoring system work?

• 43:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, it wouldn't. No, but what you could do is say, "I won the first game, so I potted a red."

• 43:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  "The next game, once you've explained it, I nominate a colour. So if it's a game I think I win, I'll go black. If it's a game I think Ellis might win, I might go yellow."

• 43:21Speaker 02

  Of course, because you can only use black once.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:23Speaker 00

  But if you nominate black and I win, do I get the points?

• 43:31Speaker 02

  Nah. In theory, no, because that wouldn't be how snooker worked, but it's a nice twist.

• 43:37Speaker 01

  You could get a foul. He could get four points.

• 43:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, because otherwise you've then got a week where there's no score.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 00

  So that frame would take even longer then.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  That's never stopped us before.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Be good.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  No, but at least with this, in the tennis system, at least you get to a game.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  Takes ages to get to a set.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  Well, Jake goes on, "Games could last for 21 to 36 weeks, and would combine the skill of putting together continuous winning streaks with the luck of the colour pots."

• 44:04Speaker 01

  And what's a world championship snooker? Best of 36?

• 44:10Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  No, best of 37.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  Okay. We could all be dead.

• 44:15Speaker 00

  By the time this finishes.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  Oh, very much so.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, we would take it up to 2032 when John retires. It would be snooker until retirement, wouldn't it?

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Well, thank you, Jake. It's not a bad, in terms of how scoring works, it's robust at the very least.

• 44:29Speaker 00

  It is robust.

• 44:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. Onto this week's game, and it comes in from Marcus. "Based in the Italian Alps, near Bolzano. Imagine, John."

• 44:37Speaker 01

  I would love to be based in the Italian Alps. I was based there a few weeks ago.

• 44:41Speaker 02

  Were you near Bolzano, do you know?

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Show it me on a map.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  Please.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  Okay. You might have to zoom out. Might have to zoom out. No, I was absolutely nowhere near there. I've never been anywhere near there. That's more in the Dolomites.

• 44:59Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 45:00Speaker 01

  The Dolomites. I want to go to the Dolomites so much.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  That sounds really nice.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  Go on, stay with Marcus. Onto the game. To the virile virtuosos of Viral Vibrations. Hmm. "Last Friday, Ellis boldly claimed he's the best at pouring."

• 45:25Speaker 02

  So the apparatus are starting to make a bit more sense now. "After a night of cooking with jugs and measuring cups, I've come up with the perfect way to test that claim in a game I'm calling Pour Judgment. P-O-U-R Judgment. In this game, your pouring abilities will be tested in three pouring-based challenges that measure volume, round one, weight, round two, and precision, round three."

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Volume and weight are the same.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  Yes, but we're just measuring it in different ways. So the first one will be millilitres, the second game will be grams. Okay, same.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  When I got told that when I was at school, I was like, "That's a great system."

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, good system. Round one, you need to pour an exact volume of water into a carafe with no measurements.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  In fact, I'm not going to reveal what we'll do for round two or three. Let's do round one first. So what you have here are two bottles of water.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, unbranded.

• 46:18Speaker 02

  Unbranded bottles of water. And then what you need to do, and you're going to both pour at the same time, so neither of you are informed by the other person's pouring, is try your best to pour 250 millilitres.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  I'm going to turn my chair around.

• 46:31Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 46:32Speaker 01

  So that no one can see anyone's, what everyone's pouring.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  Well, you're going to both do it at the same time. I'm going to go, three, two, one, pour.

• 46:38Speaker 00

  But we're blindfolded, we.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  But I want to be able to, like, consider it and look at what I've poured, but I don't want to be able to look at Ellis's. Maybe I'll hide it behind my hand.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Well, that makes sense, doesn't it?

• 46:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, it does.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Maybe I'll put up my laptop screen, my unbranded laptop.

• 46:56Speaker 02

  But here's the key. Here's the kicker. You only get one pour.

• 47:01Speaker 01

  Well, you have to do it all in one motion. Oh, what's that about?

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Because that's the fun of it. Otherwise, you can just keep tinkering.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, but you can't, you're not tinkering with a, like, anyway, okay.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  There's a round, round three is a tinkerer.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  Accept, accept, accept.

• 47:17Speaker 02

  Round three is a tinkerer. This is the skill.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  This is the skill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  There's that game where you've got to split the G with Guinness. You've got to drink up until halfway through the G. You don't get two goes at splitting the G. You've got to split the G in one, split the G in one go. So you've got your water. Obviously, there is more than 250 millilitres in the bottle that you've got in front of you. Yeah, of course there is, of course there is. Otherwise, we'd be mad. So now you both, on the count of three. Now, of course, you can pour as fast or slow as you want. If you want to control the pour.

• 47:43Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 47:44Speaker 02

  The glasses that you're pouring into are markless, so you don't know. And then at the end of this, we'll both pour it into the measuring jug in the middle separately, obviously, and see who's the closest to 250 mil.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  Are we ready for round one of Pour Judgment?

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 47:58Speaker 02

  Okay, you ready?

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Both pours are ready.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  In one go.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  It's got to be one go. Take, you know, as slow or faster pour as you like. Three, two, one, pour.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  They're both pouring. Both a similar speed. I'd say John's gone a bit faster. Ellis is still pouring. He's still pouring. John's finished. The lid's on. Ellis is still going. He's gone for the slower pour. Nothing wrong with that, and he's stopped.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 48:26Speaker 02

  And there is.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Looks similar.

• 48:28Speaker 02

  There is difference.

• 48:29Speaker 00

  Ow. Sorry, it's fine.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  You all right?

• 48:31Speaker 00

  I bumped my fingers.

• 48:32Speaker 02

  There is a difference.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  I don't know, is there?

• 48:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, you've got a little bit more on yours, John.

• 48:36Speaker 00

  I think John's got more than me.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, you have. So, John, let's go for you first. Pour in, please. Let's see how close you are.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  So I pour into this?

• 48:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, pour into the, pour into the Pyrex jug, so we can see how close you are to 250.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  You probably want an extreme close-up on this, don't you, for the fans?

• 48:49Speaker 02

  Well, you can maybe just take it.

• 48:50Speaker 00

  For OnlyFans.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Do you want to take it closer to the camera after you've done it? I suppose you can't, because it wouldn't be a flat set. He's pouring in.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Oh, it's way too much.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  It's way over.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  Way too much.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  What's he got in there?

• 49:04Speaker 02

  So John's bang on 350 there, I'd say.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  So he's 100 mil too much, is he?

• 49:08Speaker 02

  He's 100 mil too much, which would lead me to believe.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  Hang on, that's, oh, I've made a big miscount.

• 49:16Speaker 02

  Ellis, pour, and I think you might have this. So confidently pour away.

• 49:22Speaker 02

  In it goes. Wow, says it was close. Ellis nicks it by, I'd say, maybe, what? Five millilitres? Yours was a touch over that red line, John. It was. Ellis is a touch under the red line. So I'd say you're probably five millilitres, um, lower, which means you're five millilitres closer to the 250.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  My thinking was that that was probably about a can of Coke. But I'm gone completely mad.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  Understood.

• 49:50Speaker 00

  Tense.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Tense round.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Very tense.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Can I just say?

• 49:54Speaker 02

  He's the king of the pouring.

• 49:56Speaker 00

  In my defence, I was an accurate pourer of chocolate.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  According to.

• 50:02Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  Um, you know, sort of a, a, a, not, well, someone who didn't have skin in the game.

• 50:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, we've gone absolutely mad here.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  An impartial observer.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  Okay, next round. This is fun. Bowl's out.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  There's a bowl, John.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 50:16Speaker 02

  There's a bowl, Ellis.

• 50:16Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 50:17Speaker 02

  We'll put this third bowl on scales. Because we are pouring Skittles into bowls.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Oh, very good.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  And you've got to get.

• 50:25Speaker 00

  I can't, I can't do that. I've never, ever, ever in my life said I'm good at pouring Skittles into bowls, in my life.

• 50:32Speaker 02

  No, you've not, but you said you were a good pourer.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Can I drink some water, Dave?

• 50:35Speaker 01

  Dave, a lot of powder on those scales.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  All right, well, the Bertie's, so. Just throwing Bertie under the drug bus there, actually, John. Does it say zero on the scales now?

• 50:45Speaker 01

  Yes, it does say.

• 50:46Speaker 02

  Great. Uh, okay, so.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  You've each got to share a bag of Skittles.

• 50:54Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 50:55Speaker 02

  Well, you each get a bag each.

• 50:56Speaker 00

  It's a share a bag. We don't have to, the two of us don't have to share a bag of Skittles.

• 51:00Speaker 02

  Panic in his eyes. You need to pour. In one pour is best to your ability. Don't look at the grams because we've, we've sharpied them out, John.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  Oh, well done.

• 51:09Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Begrudging respect there from John.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Eighty grams, please.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  Eighty grams.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  Into each of your bowls. Now, John is livid that he can't tell how heavy the bags are. Um, but that's the game.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  Those the brokes. Don't know what that means.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Those the brokes.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  Those the breaks. What, them's the, them's the breaks? Was that the phrase?

• 51:29Speaker 01

  Is this in one pour?

• 51:30Speaker 02

  Sure is, big guy.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's exciting, isn't it?

• 51:34Speaker 01

  One continuous pour of Skittles.

• 51:36Speaker 02

  I know it's harder with the Skittles, but no, it still needs to be as close as possible, a continuous action.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  So Ellis is 1-0 up.

• 51:44Speaker 00

  Can I eat what I don't pour?

• 51:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, we can all, we can all chip in afterwards.

• 51:49Speaker 00

  Okay, ready?

• 51:50Speaker 02

  Eighty grams you're looking to go for. We'll put them individually on the scales after this.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  One pour.

• 51:54Speaker 02

  One pour. Three, two, one, pour. And they're off, and they're off. Oh, it's a lovely sound. John's stopped. He's happy.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Oh, what's that not continue? What's that?

• 52:09Speaker 02

  I mean, they kept edging out. But there was quite a.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  I edged out throughout.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  He was edging, he was edging like his life depended on it.

• 52:17Speaker 00

  By all means, check the footage.

• 52:21Speaker 00

  By all means. This is like when Judith Polgar played Garry Kasparov and he, and he let go of his piece. Sorry, that's a reference to a chess documentary I had to watch this week. Check the footage, Dave.

• 52:31Speaker 02

  We'll check the footage. All right, so we are on round two. Uh, Ellis, we'll come to you first. I think are the scales still set on zero?

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 52:39Speaker 02

  Go for your life, mate. All the way. Go on. What we got?

• 52:45Speaker 00

  Okay, what are we on?

• 52:46Speaker 01

  Hundred and four.

• 52:47Speaker 02

  Hundred and four grams to Ellis.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 52:50Speaker 01

  Can you get to eat those?

• 52:51Speaker 02

  You do, actually.

• 52:52Speaker 00

  Oh, I said I could see these. Okay, I'm disappointed with that.

• 52:55Speaker 02

  Now, this could be close. I don't know whether John's got less or more. I'd maybe say John's got a few less. Is it on zero, John?

• 53:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  Pour.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  He's definitely got less than me.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  Eighty-two.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  Eighty-two! He's two grams out!

• 53:07Speaker 00

  We played a, a weights pouring game on when we were on Five Live.

• 53:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:12Speaker 00

  And it was uncanny.

• 53:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's good. He is good.

• 53:16Speaker 00

  John's got like robot fingers when it comes to pouring Skittles into a bowl.

• 53:20Speaker 02

  Okay, so round two.

• 53:21Speaker 00

  It's 1-0.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  I don't like Skittles, Dave, so you can give these to charity.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  I like Skittles, so you can put them in the Thames.

• 53:26Speaker 02

  Okay, I'll.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  Haven't you got like a hundred bags of Skittles?

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  Well, good job it's Halloween coming up.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, there's, uh, we also gave a lot of them away, although the man, uh, didn't come to collect them, so they were left out in the rain.

• 53:39Speaker 02

  Round three.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  But he eventually did come to get his wet Skittles.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  Are we ready for the twist?

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  Right, keep this away from electrical appliances because there may be spillage. You each will be blindfolded for round three. There is a glass in front of you. We're gonna take, uh, this, we're gonna take this one in turns because we can do it because you're blindfolded.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 54:02Speaker 02

  You need to fill the glass as close to the brim as possible without going over.

• 54:06Speaker 00

  But I can't see it.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  You can't see it.

• 54:08Speaker 00

  So how, it can't be done, Dave?

• 54:10Speaker 02

  Well, you can, you can listen. You can judge by how light are the, the cans getting in your hand. You've, you've poured a Coke before, I imagine.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  Oh, well, not for years.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  So there's a bit of life experience here.

• 54:21Speaker 00

  Oh, the robot will get this because he's.

• 54:23Speaker 02

  No, but he might go over. You've got to be fairly cautious here because if you go over, you're void. You're out. So you need, there needs to be an element of caution to make sure you stay in the game without getting too close. But of course, the closer, the better, so.

• 54:36Speaker 00

  What happens if we, if we go over the top? Are we disqualified?

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Void. So you're out, yeah. You're disqualified of that round. So no points up for grabs. And this is for the win. I, I shall remind you, this is for the win. So open the cans of Coke. And obviously I will guide you above the glass, so you're, you're, you're in the general vicinity.

• 54:55Speaker 00

  Okay, thank you.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  Right, John, it is you to go first.

• 54:58Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 54:58Speaker 02

  Okay, so.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  I can't, I can't fill my Coke. Is it there?

• 55:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's there. It's in your hand. It's in your hand. Don't worry. So the game here is, hey? I've opened it. I've opened it. John's blindfolded. I'll guide you in, John. Okay.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  So there's the glass. Okay. Okay, go on, lift up.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  Lift up and go. Not all in one go if you don't need to. You can stop and start if you like.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  Because of the fizz.

• 55:21Speaker 02

  Because of the fizz, not just because it's hard.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  He's thinking, will he go again? He's gone again.

• 55:37Speaker 02

  This is tense to, to watch. Oh.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  Still going.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  My heart is absolutely racing.

• 55:49Speaker 02

  Will he go again? He will!

• 55:51Speaker 00

  I've got a stressed stomach ache. This is the tensest game I've played for years.

• 55:55Speaker 02

  They're very small pours at this stage.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  He's still going and it's very, very delicate at this point of the, at this point of the game. Ellis has got his blindfold on as well, of course. He's still pouring.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  I can't see how well, well John has done.

• 56:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 56:12Speaker 02

  He's still pouring. He's still pouring. It's a risky move, or is it? Who knows? Okay.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  And he's still pouring. He's still pouring.

• 56:27Speaker 02

  Wow! Okay, no, no spoilers at this stage. Interesting technique.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  I don't think I've gone over.

• 56:35Speaker 02

  You've, well, who knows at this stage? Who knows at this stage? And of course, if, I should say as well, if there are, because of just the veracity of the pour, if a bit does dribble down the side, that's fine.

• 56:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, and yeah.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  Because you're not going over.

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Can I take my blindfold off yet?

• 56:47Speaker 02

  No, because you'll react and I don't want you to.

• 56:49Speaker 01

  All right.

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Ellis, get your Coke can in your hand. Just, okay, ready? Sorry, that's.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  What, what was that?

• 56:56Speaker 02

  That's the unbranded bottle.

• 56:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 56:58Speaker 02

  There's a lot going on. Here we go. Try again. Try again. Okay, I'll just, I'll just angle that for you, Ellis. All right, and.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  God, how much help are you giving me?

• 57:05Speaker 02

  He's in, he's in, and he's off.

• 57:11Speaker 02

  And he's stopped for a second. He's just gonna listen to the fizz, no doubt.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  I'm listening to the fizz.

• 57:15Speaker 02

  He's listening to the fizz. Is he gonna go again?

• 57:17Speaker 00

  It's a fizzy can.

• 57:20Speaker 02

  And he's off again.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  He stopped. He thinks. Looks both ways.

• 57:32Speaker 02

  Is he going again? We just don't know at this stage. And he's off.

• 57:38Speaker 00

  And he's stopped again.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  And he's off.

• 57:45Speaker 00

  It's a fizzy can, Dave.

• 57:47Speaker 02

  It is a fizzy can.

• 57:48Speaker 00

  I'm used to pouring diet Coke and it's different.

• 57:50Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 58:02Speaker 02

  It's dainty stuff at this stage. He's tense. How's your heart?

• 58:07Speaker 00

  It's racing, Dave.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, it will be. It will be.

• 58:09Speaker 00

  I'm not having fun.

• 58:11Speaker 02

  You're still over the glass. You're all good. Go on. If you want to. Don't have to.

• 58:16Speaker 00

  There's a dribble.

• 58:19Speaker 00

  Pissed. It's, it's like...

• 58:21Speaker 02

  I'm scared, Dave. He's still pouring, listeners, just in case you're wondering. As the, as the Coke fills the glass.

• 58:32Speaker 02

  I can't miss it. I can't miss it. I think it's too late for some people.

• 58:37Speaker 00

  Are you?

• 58:39Speaker 02

  Silly goose. You silly goose. I think you want to...

• 58:45Speaker 02

  Ellis calls himself a corporate shill. We will need some napkins over. There is a spillage. Spillage in the Elis James aisle at this stage. Do you want to take your blindfolds off, chaps? Right. Here's how it went.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  He's not normal.

• 59:02Speaker 02

  John didn't spill over the edge. I know it looks like there's spillage, but that's just from the the daintiness of the pouring. Is it dribbled down the side of the can?

• 59:10Speaker 00

  He's doping. He's either financially doping and he's been coached by someone from the United Arab Emirates. A pouring Coke blindfolded. Or they've, he's on some sort of, he's blood doping.

• 59:23Speaker 01

  Well, you were very, I mean, by definition, you were very, very close. If you'd have stopped before then, you might, it might have been a bit of a...

• 59:29Speaker 02

  You shot for the moon.

• 59:30Speaker 01

  You did.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  John, I have a little slurper that Ellis is making me anxious just looking at it, so.

• 59:35Speaker 01

  Dave, I can be really balanced after I say how much I hate this drink. Can't drink that.

• 59:40Speaker 02

  That's all right.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  I do love Diet Coke.

• 59:41Speaker 02

  Okay, fine. Fine. You hate and love it.

• 59:44Speaker 00

  Oh, I like Pepsi.

• 59:45Speaker 01

  Hate Coke, love Diet Coke.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  I like Pepsi and Tango and Fanta and Sprite and Sunkist.

• 59:51Speaker 01

  My favourite is Rio and I have it with my fish and chips.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  Yes, they said it in my local chippy. And I also like lilt.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  I used to love cream of soda as a kid.

• 59:59Speaker 01

  They don't make lilt anymore.

• 59:59Speaker 00

  Oh, do they not? Okay, then I like, uh...

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  It's grapefruit Fanta, I think.

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  I like Orangina.

• 1:00:05Speaker 02

  Okay. Well done. Tense game. Tense game. A lot of pouring and, I mean, Ellis has mainly been knocked off his pouring perch. Which I didn't see coming.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't for one second doubt that if we did a chocolate making course.

• 1:00:20Speaker 01

  I would eat it all.

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  He'd eat it all, but before...

• 1:00:22Speaker 01

  Actually, the chocolatier would arrive in the morning to open up for the course we're doing. And the place would have been ransacked. And I'd turn up chocolate all over my face.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  It would be real Augustus Gloop.

• 1:00:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, it would. That's what I was thinking of.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  It'd be horrible.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  John Gloop. John, John beating Gloop.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  Left, right, centre.

• 1:00:43Speaker 02

  Well, well done to you, John. It's now 15 love in the third set. Two games all. So John takes the game. Well done.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  Enjoyed it.

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  Enjoyed it.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  Love pouring. I love weight. I love measuring. I love measuring weights with scales. Because obviously every morning I'm weighing out my coffee beans.

• 1:01:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  And coffee beans not dissimilar to Skittles in some ways.

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  No, I like weighing out coffee beans. I do that.

• 1:01:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:10Speaker 00

  I weigh out flour.

• 1:01:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  When I'm making pancakes.

• 1:01:15Speaker 02

  It's, it's a tough game. I thought you both played one.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  I think I could vibe 100 grams of flour.

• 1:01:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  Pretty, pretty...

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  Well, that's next week's game.

• 1:01:23Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  Uh, great. Do we want to set up the challenge that we mentioned that we might do across the week? If we're confident, we'll definitely do the challenge, which means we can pay off the challenge on Friday.

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  Covering ourselves in goose fat and having a backup team.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  With a proportion of the money going to charity.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  A proportion of the money going, once we've covered our costs and profits.

• 1:01:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's got to be recoupable.

• 1:01:46Speaker 00

  And lots of earnings.

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, once we've covered our profits, a proportion will go to charity.

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  What do you reckon? Is it doable?

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  I'm not, I can't really swim, so I don't think so.

• 1:01:55Speaker 02

  We're not swimming in Chano. The idea, of course, is whether we...

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  But I don't like salt water.

• 1:02:00Speaker 02

  Okay. So there's been a lot of chat recently around meringues. We thought, given that it's Halloween coming up, there might be a bit of fun as to who makes the best meringue ghosts. Spooky meringue ghosts ahead of Friday's record. Do you both think you can carve out time?

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  I spoke to my pensions guy.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  And I'd already said 10% of my pension goes to charity, so I was okay, even when the legislation changes.

• 1:02:19Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  So that's good.

• 1:02:20Speaker 02

  That's good news.

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  That's a weight off my mind.

• 1:02:22Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Could die in peace now.

• 1:02:26Speaker 02

  Meringues then, lads.

• 1:02:27Speaker 00

  Never made a meringue.

• 1:02:28Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  Have you made a meringue?

• 1:02:31Speaker 01

  I've witnessed meringues being made.

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  Have you? I've bought them.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  I've eaten meringues that have been made.

• 1:02:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  And I've got a meringue in my kitchen.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  So you've, you've skirted around the making of one?

• 1:02:42Speaker 01

  I think I've definitely whisked egg whites back in the day.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  I like whisking egg whites.

• 1:02:47Speaker 01

  Back in the sort of, um, pun intended, peak of Ed White whisking in the 90s.

• 1:02:54Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  When everyone was whisking egg whites in the playground. Holding the bowl over their heads.

• 1:03:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  So what are we making, Dave?

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  Well, I think, because, you know, you're a big fan of meringue. Meringue got a hell of a lot of mentions at Dancing with Dave.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  I'm now being targeted. So many adverts for meringue-based snacks.

• 1:03:13Speaker 00

  Really?

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's extraordinary. And they've come to the right place because I bought them all.

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  Is there like an armoured shanks of meringues?

• 1:03:22Speaker 02

  Well, like the...

• 1:03:22Speaker 01

  What, the meringues you can [BLEEP] on?

• 1:03:27Speaker 00

  Or like a Guinness of stout.

• 1:03:28Speaker 01

  Make toilets out of meringues.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  Terrible idea.

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  Just dissolve. No, like, is there a Big Meringue brand?

• 1:03:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 1:03:37Speaker 00

  Who might want to, who might want to sort of sponsor the pod?

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  There's no Big Meringue.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  Because you know how like Guinness has got a monopoly on stout?

• 1:03:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:44Speaker 00

  So, you know, there's Murphy's and there's Beamish, et cetera. But Guinness, in terms of market share, is there a market share meringue leader?

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  Well, sort of meringues, like one of those un, uncopyrightable things, isn't it?

• 1:03:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's one way of doing it and everyone does it.

• 1:03:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. I wonder if there was before the own brand scene killed it.

• 1:04:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:05Speaker 01

  You know, maybe there was Horsefoots of Oxfordshire.

• 1:04:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  Who used to make 90% of the UK's meringues.

• 1:04:13Speaker 00

  And during World War One, they were sending a million meringue units to the trenches every day.

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:19Speaker 02

  Okay, I'll send you both the same guidelines, so there is a control method. I want to see spooky, uh, meringue ghosts for the 30th of October, which is in three days' time. Are we happy?

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, so...

• 1:04:30Speaker 00

  Can I get help?

• 1:04:31Speaker 01

  That's the big question.

• 1:04:33Speaker 02

  Your kids can help you.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  What about my friend Andy? He's a professional chef.

• 1:04:36Speaker 01

  No, Dave, you say his kids can help him and everyone at home will have images of like mayhem in the kitchen. His daughter is a polymath.

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, that's true. No, your kids can't help you.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  She is somehow the most creatively talented person I know.

• 1:04:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  So she will improve his meringues.

• 1:04:51Speaker 02

  Oh, well, now, hold on. I think it should just be you. And just be you.

• 1:04:55Speaker 01

  They can watch and advise and ideally catcall and heckle.

• 1:04:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, but no, no, no hands on.

• 1:05:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  Well, good luck to both of you. The meringue challenge is on. We'll reveal our meringue ghosts on Friday.

• 1:05:07Speaker 01

  How many do we have to make?

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  I, I, whatever you fancy, really.

• 1:05:10Speaker 00

  60.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  I think maybe there should be, like, a minimum of two.

• 1:05:19Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I was thinking like six.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  Because don't you make them in batches?

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  Minimum of three.

• 1:05:23Speaker 00

  I'm bringing them in.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  Because I might struggle to bring in six safely.

• 1:05:27Speaker 00

  Well, I'm bringing, I'll be bringing them in on the train in a Tupperware box.

• 1:05:32Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:05:32Speaker 00

  And I've got to walk to the station. John is in a similar boat. If they're damaged in transit, is that, are we going to get marked down for that?

• 1:05:40Speaker 02

  I think you cover them in foil or, or cling film or kitchen roll. Do your best you can.

• 1:05:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  Um, and we'll see you on Friday and we'll judge maybe three, yeah, three each.

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, three each and then we can each eat one.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. And make them gooey because we will judge it on the gooeyness in the middle as well.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  Will you?

• 1:05:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, a bit, maybe. I just thought that.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  What if I can't make them gooey?

• 1:05:59Speaker 02

  Well, that's not, that's not our problem.

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  But you don't know it's gooey till you eat it. You know!

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  Lovely. All right then. Look forward to that on Friday. I'm off to Centre Parcs now.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  Oh, Dave.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  So I'll see you Friday. Well rested and full of chlorine.

• 1:06:14Speaker 00

  See you Friday.

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  Lovely stuff. Okay. Well, thanks everyone for listening. We'll be back very soon.

• 1:06:19Speaker 00

  Goodbye.

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• 1:08:03Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show, and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok @EllisAndJohn for more content.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page @EllisAndJohn.

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch, and much more by heading to elisandjohn.com. See you next time.