#568 - Laxative Links, Wow (Cubed) and A New Low For Freezer Storage

In significant happenings John reveals the longest relationship of his life and what has caused it to break down. Namely, a Boggle addiction. We also discover the silent reality of what it’s like to be his neighbour. Elsewhere, Dave has gone to a cuddly toy exhibition in Harrogate but we plough on in his absence. However the occasion where Dave can’t cut the tension when Elis tries to prove John wrong is noticeable. Plus, we receive UK highways enthusiasm from the US of A. “Just tell me more about the roads.” Got any highways (or byways) input? Well send it down the internet’s A-road, email, via [email protected] For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Miniumpicks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Birdwatching. My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 03

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• 2:04Speaker 00

  Hello, listeners. Thank you very much for downloading this episode. Elis James, present. Amma. John Robbins, present.

• 2:13Speaker 01

  Amma.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  Amma, which is Welsh for here or present. Dave Masterman, where's he, I wonder? I'll tell you, he's gone to a cuddly toy exhibition in Harrogate.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Has he really?

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  The travelling stife display.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, because he loves to keep unopened cuddly toys.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  He keeps making the same joke to Hannah as well. As they walk around the exhibition, he goes, "Hannah, shall we get a stifey? I got, I got a stifey." I can't do, how do you say that in his accent?

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Look, everyone's got a stifey.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Everyone's got a stifey.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  I've got a stifey. Hey Hannah, I've got a stifey.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  Hey Hannah, come to the gift shop. I got a stifey for you.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  And Hannah goes, "Oh, Dave."

• 2:58Speaker 01

  And they've actually been led out of the exhibition by security now.

• 3:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Because understandably, there's lots of kids there.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  There is. And this happens at every exhibition he goes to.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Because John loves, because Dave loves to keep and collect unopened toys. It's a big exhibition in Harrogate. He's taken the day off. And yeah, what's the time? 18 minutes past 11. He's probably been checked out already, actually, because they've got his name.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I always found

• 3:23Speaker 00

  He's a bit like football fans with banning orders.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Teddy bears, the most boring part of the Antiques Roadshow.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Never worth that much.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  Known.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Always been played with too much.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, or not enough.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  A lot of, in this condition.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  You're looking at £400 and you're like, what a waste of time. Why don't we all just go, give me the jewels.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, also.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Give me the paintings.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Also, old teddy bears are so rubbish.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Rubbish and often a bit racist.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  And they're too hard.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  They're, well, I've not come into contact with them for a long time.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  They're not even soft. They're just [BLEEP]. I hate old teddies. Is the Antiques Roadshow still on? It must be.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Well, they're worth even more now.

• 4:12Speaker 00

  Of course. Yeah, yeah. Time marches on and old teddy bears continue to increase value.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  If you had to take something from your house to the Antiques Roadshow, like you have to, or you get

• 4:24Speaker 00

  That I thought was genuinely worth money.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Well, what's the thing in your house that you would take to the Antiques Roadshow?

• 4:30Speaker 00

  That an antique.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  In my house.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  My mother has an old clock.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Is it in your house?

• 4:42Speaker 00

  But it's not in my house. But I'd be curious to know what it was worth.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  Well, you'd be curious to know outside the terms of the question.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  I have got, oh, I mean, I've got, I've got dad's old chessboard that's been graffitied over.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  But that's going to be worth about four quid, I think. Because he used to use it in lectures to rest his notes on.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it's a chessboard from what decade?

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Early 70s, that's it.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  But obviously, he was very bored because it's full of his doodles from lectures in about 1971, when he was at university.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  So you're standing in the queue for the, for the furniture expert.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Starting to sweat.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  And they're, they're maybe looking at a Chesterfield.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Or a sort of a nice bit of Louis IV.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Armoire and Sher.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, or just a bit of

• 5:39Speaker 01

  And so what do you say when you get to the guy? He says, "So what have you brought in, Ellis?"

• 5:44Speaker 00

  I say, "My friend John forced me to do this on a podcast and it's the only antique I've got. And could you tell me about the piece?" It's a chessboard from the early 70s, relatively cheap because it was bought by a student. And if you notice, obviously, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a nice doodle there of a confused man, because I think my dad was confused in the lecture.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  And it's sort of etching with Bayro.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Okay, so let's talk about value.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Were this in pristine condition?

• 6:20Speaker 00

  A chessboard from 1971.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  You're looking at six to seven pounds.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Unfortunately, because of the condition it's in, it's worth nothing and you've wasted my time and I'd like you to leave.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Right, okay. All right. What have you got then? Got any antiques?

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Yes, a few items that I won't discuss for insurance purposes.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  But probably the coins.

• 6:46Speaker 00

  Oh, of course.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  The coins would be going in there.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  Obviously, I've got Ringo Starr's original Ludwig drum kit, which cost me about, you know, eight million quid. There's that.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  There's that.

• 6:55Speaker 00

  I could always take that in.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Oh, I'd maybe take in, I've got some letters that Philip Larkin wrote my grandma.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Your grandmother?

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, that would make the edit.

• 7:08Speaker 00

  Absolutely. Because there's the, there's the family story. Larkin, obviously, big hitter.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Big hitter.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  And genuine interest over the value.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  So how did your grandmother know Philip Larkin?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  She just wrote to him.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  And he wrote back?

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back in those days, people wrote to people and people wrote back when this country meant a damn.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. I suppose the equivalent nowadays would be in 50 years' time, you could take in a DM that you sent. I don't know.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  A screen grab of a, a screen grab of an inappropriate DM.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  That you sent Simon Armitage.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  From a figure. Yeah, because he worked at Hull University Library.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  So he's there. So if you send him something

• 7:50Speaker 00

  He will receive it.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  But it was correspondence about a TV programme, I think, an episode of something called Monitor. And then she mentioned she had an early copy of one of his books and he wrote back to ask, I think it was like a proof copy.

• 8:07Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  And he wrote back to ask, like, for details about it, because they were quite hard to come by. And then my mum gave it to me and wrote inside it.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  That's nice.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  Let's play some music.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Did John, on the occasion of your 18th birthday, your grandmother would like you to have this. But obviously, that actually becomes nice.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Because I'm not going to sell it.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  You don't believe that. It's very interesting watching a man lie, lie to my face.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've just scratched in your initials to this 1605 farthing.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  No, but I'm never going to sell it. So it becomes a

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Well, you can't now.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  A nice reminder of

• 8:56Speaker 00

  That decision's been made for you.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Of value. But, no, I'll, I'll keep it forever. And then I will pass it on to my neighbour with a post-it note inside. So this is for you.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  And I won't write the post-it note when it's stuck in, because the imprint could go through into the page.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  I'll write the post-it note separately and stick it on.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Good. You've thought about that.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  I have thought about that.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Oh, I'd love to be your neighbour.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Oh, wouldn't you just?

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  You get to live next door to me, the quietest man in Buckinghamshire. To the extent which I think my neighbours would probably like me to be a bit noisier so they could say, because they might worry I'm dead.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. How many, how many death marks do you get? Oh, Don.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Death mark every fortnight.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  You're dead.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  "Hi, John. Just no need to open the door."

• 9:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  "Just want to make sure you're still alive."

• 9:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  "I, I, I heard you open a window."

• 9:55Speaker 00

  "If you're watching pornography in there, could you turn it up, please?"

• 9:59Speaker 01

  "I heard you opening a window 10 days ago after the temperature outside became lower than the temperature inside. I'm assuming you're in Operation Heatwave."

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Okay. Bye-bye.

• 10:10Speaker 00

  Does Operation Heatwave involve complete silence at all times?

• 10:14Speaker 01

  "I've noticed your bins haven't been put out for the past three weeks, but I'm assuming that's because you don't actually make enough rubbish to fill the wheelie bin more than once a month."

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Because you eat all your rubbish?

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Okay, bye-bye. Bye now.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, bye. Do, do remember to call if there's anything wrong, John.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Oh, by the way, we've all noticed your little, little trick to get round the hosepipe band, but we won't tell anyone.

• 10:42Speaker 00

  Because we'd rather you do that and you're happy than you do anything daft.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  We wouldn't want to do anything daft, would we?

• 10:52Speaker 00

  No.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  Uh, right. We've had some lovely correspondence from you all. And starting with an item which is going to go on, oh yeah, Dave, we should repeat, Dave's not here.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Dave's not here, he's in Harrogate, at a cuddly toy convention.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  So we had a really amazing picture from Stephen. Cause last week, or the week before, Ellis and I played a made up game where we had to

• 11:18Speaker 01

  write opening lines of books. And Ellis was victorious with his first line of Flogsworth and Blimp. The Adventures of Flogsworth and Blimp. And Stephen's written in to say, I was just catching up on last week's episode and couldn't resist illustrating the first page of Ellis's Magnus Opus. Flo, is it Magnus or Magnum?

• 11:39Speaker 00

  I thought it was Mag- uh, Magnum Opus.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Maybe Magnus Opus is more than one, but wouldn't that be Magnus Opi?

• 11:46Speaker 00

  I'm not too sure.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Look into it, Dave.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Magnum Opus, isn't it? Magnum Opus. Yes, Magnum Opus.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Well, what's Magnus Opus?

• 11:56Speaker 01

  Anyway, illustrating the first-

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Oh, wow. Oh no. Magnum Opus is a Latin phrase that means great work. I'm not getting anything for Magnus Opus. These are the results for Magnum Opus. Now then, M is nowhere near S on the keyboard. That's huge. And I don't think it's a typo unless Stephen's fingers are massive.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Or he has a friend called Magnus, who he regularly corresponds with.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  And calls by his name. Illustrator, uh, I couldn't resist illustrating the first page of Ellis's Magnus Opus. Flogsworth and Blimp. I presented the opening line as it was read, but there should definitely be a full stop after hurt anybody. It's just too long. Either way, nice story. And it's a picture of Flogsworth and Blimp on a hillside. It's absolutely gorgeous.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Yes. It's, I think it's been inspired by your love of the Alps.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  There's definitely Alps. There's also something reminiscent of Tolkien's drawings of Middle Earth, just in the mountains.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  But Flogsworth is wearing a, uh, hiking boots and shorts. He's got a big moustache and a woolly hat on. And Blimp is a little sort of alien creature, uh, a little bit like Mike-

• 13:17Speaker 00

  Indians.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  Mike from, um, Monsters Inc.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Golly, an alien judge.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  And Flogsworth is saying, "I won't stand for it," says Flogsworth. "Come on, Blimp, my old friend. A little bit of rain never hurt anybody. Now zip up your kagool and we'll have climbed up Elvenor Mountain by sunset."

• 13:34Speaker 00

  That's going straight on the camera.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  That's going straight on the camera.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  That's going straight on the camera. I love it. I'd like to know what Stephen does for a living. Is Stephen an illustrator?

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Illustrator.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause if not, what a wasted talent.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Next up, this is from, uh, Dee Tucker, who is a senior Crown prosecutor. Now, I don't want to level this accusation directly at Dean Tucker, but I, Dee Tucker, but I will. Obviously, the Crown Prosecution Service is under a lot of strain. Some people are saying it's, it's making some of the wrong decisions.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  It's a breaking point.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  And I think Dee Tucker has let themself-

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  The Crown and the legal system down here.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  So you reckon that Crown Prosecution Service is creaking under the strain of a Covid-induced backlog?

• 14:29Speaker 01

  That's just the start of it.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  And also, I was listening to a podcast about this, obviously, uh, quite recently. You know, but the smartphone means that there's now so much evidence that all court cases are taking longer to process. So you think that under the strain of that, Dee Tucker's made a mistake?

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Yes. Dee Tucker says, "Dear defendant, aka John Robbins, hearing your crime of bilking, I think you got off likely. It should have been at least a fine on a category two." Hoping for a more law-abiding approach for a better Britain." So Dee Tucker, so last week I said that I had inadvertently bilked.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Which is filling your car up with petrol and then leaving without paying for it.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Yes. Um, and Dee Tucker provides, uh, a page from the sentencingcouncil.org.uk. From the page, "Making off without payment, the Theft Act 1978 S3, maximum two years custody." There are two categories here. Category two. Goods or services obtained up to £200 and little or no significant additional harm to the victim. So that's category two. Category C, lesser culpability. Performed limited function under direction involved through coercion, intimidation or exploitation. Little or no planning, limited awareness or understanding of offence.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Now, I would say, Dee Tucker, I fall into the second category there.

• 15:59Speaker 00

  See lesser culpability?

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Yes, because I didn't know I'd bilked. I had not planned to bilk.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  You hadn't coerced or intimidated or exploited the person who worked in the shell garage?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Well, no, that's saying if you were involved through coercion.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  Oh, right. Yes, of course. You should be a solicitor.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  I shouldn't. I think I would find that quite stressful.

• 16:20Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  I think you should be a solicitor for a day. Why don't you just do a pointless law degree and then never practise?

• 16:26Speaker 01

  I don't read enough when I have the choice of all the literature of humankind. Imagine having to read law books.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Well, surely you'd read more then?

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, but-

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Because you had to do it.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  But I don't, even though I could do it in a nice way.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  But it would be crazy to read law book, but books if you weren't studying law.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. What I'm saying is, I don't read enough when I have the choice of nice things to read. So imagine how horrible it would be to just have to read legal books.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  But when you were reading your, when you were reading English at university?

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I was reading Vanity Fair and Philip Larkin.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Out of curiosity, what proportion of the books did you enjoy? So were there, there must have been some novels, for instance, that were a complete slog.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, tore my copy of To the Lighthouse in Half.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Yes, I only got to about page six of that as well.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  That was probably a mistake. I should go back to that. Uh, but I can't now because it's in the bin.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  I wasn't mad keen on some-

• 17:25Speaker 00

  You tore it in half like Jeff Capes.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's very small.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  I wasn't mad keen on some of the Victorian stuff, like Vanity Fair's a bit of a slog, just lots of names.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, but you were still able to get through it?

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  So it would just be that, but with, you know, books on-

• 17:42Speaker 01

  With incredibly boring things.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, on the bridge.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Which is the point I'm making.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay. Good, right.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  Was I saying to you, read, like, I don't know, read manuals about cloud formation for the rest of your life?

• 17:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I will.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  Good. Anyway, the fine, were it a C2 category? The fine is, um, 75 to 125% of relevant weekly income. It would cost me a hundred million, billions, billion pounds.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  It's mad, that fine band F, 600% of relevant weekly income. That'd be 600 million, billions, billion pounds. So there you go.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  600% of your relevant weekly income?

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what they do for speeding fines now.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  They charge you 600%?

• 18:31Speaker 01

  No, it's a percent of your income.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  Right. But still, if it's 600% of your weekly income, that fine, I didn't, I didn't know that the speeding fine was that big.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  That's not for speeding, that's for bilking.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Right, wow. Well, best, well, good luck, John.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Well, none of this is happening because I'm not going to prison because I paid my 35 pound fine.

• 18:50Speaker 00

  Good, all right then.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Hey, it's Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad and the holidays are around the corner, which means I'm officially entering my Hostess Hannah era with Arm and Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. You guys know I love cats and fostering, but when I'm hosting, I do not want my house smelling like cats. I want people focusing on my hosting skills. That's why I love Arm and Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. It delivers long-lasting odor control and forms compact clumps that make cleanup easy. So that's one less thing I need to worry about when people come over. Be guest ready with Arm and Hammer Cat Litter. Find it now at Walmart or Amazon.

• 19:36Speaker 00

  This is from Alex. Hello, boys. Currently listening to Friday's podcast, I want to say I share John's pain. I'm a videographer and about five years ago, I was working for a student housing company, helping them with their comms about safety during the pandemic. The company has buildings in universities all over the UK. And on this particular day, I was filming in Portsmouth. I live in Aberdeen, South Wales, that's Stereophonics country, a mere three and a half hour journey to the south coast. After a good day filming, I pack up my kit and head to my car in a nearby multi-story, leaving Portsmouth at about 4pm. Now, at this point, especially with Covid lockdown restrictions, 4pm, I'd be laughing, I'd be thinking, this is going to be great. I'm going to be home by eight o'clock.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  And go home in time for tea.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. I travelled down that morning, so I've been up since about 4.30am. Few stops and service stations and about 27 cubic litres of coffee to help me not fall asleep in my car, arrive at home. I open my boot and I realise I've left my camera kit in Portsmouth. Got it. Turns out, I'd just not put it in my car and the lovely staff at the NCP were holding on to it for me. However, they said it needed to be picked up ASAP. Back in the car, I go down the M4 and arrive in the car park at about midnight to collect my gear and head on home. So about 15 hours in the car for an eight hour shoot, the longest 24 hours of my life. Love the pods, Alex. That's disappointing.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  It makes you realise what has value in your life.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Because as a professional videographer.

• 21:06Speaker 00

  You couldn't have left it.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  No, you could not have left it.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  That's a pair of gloves you leave in it.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. If it's a treasured cap from your childhood, which you've been wearing every day for 20 years.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  What do you do then?

• 21:22Speaker 00

  Well, I would get them to post it on if they were willing to.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:25Speaker 00

  Registered post.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  Yes, and they might, a child.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  You're going back.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  Next morning, straight back there.

• 21:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Get a good night's sleep. Get a full eight hours, you and the wife.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  Full English.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  Full English, lovemaking, and then back to pick up the child.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  Back to pick up the kit, yeah, yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  And they're happy because they've spent a night in a box in an NCP.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  That's exciting.

• 21:47Speaker 00

  It's exciting, isn't it?

• 21:48Speaker 01

  It's like camping.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  Yeah. Outdoor, it's, yeah.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  With all the chargers.

• 21:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  All the charging cables and the sunglasses.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  And all of the exciting ins and outs of cars, entering and exiting multi-story car parks through the night in Portsmouth.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  And that lovely smell of fumes.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  Oh, and the lovely urban noises.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Just about to ask you, how long would you let one of your children sleep in a box in a lost property? But I'm, it's just none, no time.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  It's just zero time, yeah, yeah.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  Zero time, isn't it?

• 22:20Speaker 01

  This is from, oh, we had a good email. Two good emails, three good emails. I wanted to, where's the one about explaining the British roads? Yeah, this is it.

• 22:34Speaker 00

  Great. Or the one about how sexy I am to gay men.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is from Will.

• 22:39Speaker 00

  Which I, which I refuse to believe, but thank you.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Will said, hi, guys, hope you're doing well. I always enjoy your chat about the traffic and the roads in the UK. Not long ago, you had an extensive discussion about road closures. It made an impression on me because I was at the time in the midst of a trip to visit my son in Baltimore, Maryland.

• 23:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Immediately stopped the podcast and listened to What's New in Baltimore by Frank Zappa.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  And then buy some cookies.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Then buy some cookies and put the podcast back on. And make sure it's the album version from Frank Zappa meets the mothers of prevention.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Weenie Dave.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  And then listen to live versions at your own leisure.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  I live in Homewood, Alabama.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Alabama.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  The drive up to Baltimore is about 800 miles.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  For a round trip, that's 1600 miles. For you, I guess it'd be like driving to Edinburgh and back twice.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  No.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, not for me that.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Oh. In my case, there were lots of slowdowns due to road construction repair, but never a closure. The traffic sometimes merged into one lane with barriers to protect the road workers. It was frustrating, but we were almost always moving. There is, there are sometimes road closures due to major accidents, usually involving big rig trucks, but this is rare.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Always moving psychologically is massive.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Huge.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Even if you're going at 30 miles an hour on a motorway.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  Even if you're going at 20.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  That's massive psychologically, for your mentality.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  For the morale. It will be fun to hear more about the UK road system. It's about time someone said that. From you guys, especially since you've travelled so extensively on tours and of course, visiting family to the west. My only trip from London to Wales was by train 40 years ago. Stayed in Mumbles, by the way, it was very nice.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, Mumbles, lovely.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  Love your show, love the anecdotes, love the positive vibes. Just tell me more about the roads when you can. So, Will, I want you to imagine a state about.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  An American state.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, an American state, less than a third the size of California. And then I want you to imagine it with a population of California and Florida combined. What's this state called? England. So obviously, if you had a.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Not New England, Old England.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Old England. If you had a state less than a third the size of California, but with the population of Florida and California combined, it's going to have lots of major cities, more than California, probably. I don't really know what's in California, apart from Silicon Valley. So.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  I don't know, Florida's got a population of 23.5 million and California's about.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  About 35.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  It's more, 40 million.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  But England's got a population of about 57 million.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  Okay, what's your point?

• 25:46Speaker 00

  I don't know, just carry on.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Do you think I read that email downstairs in the cafe and didn't Google the population of England, California and Florida to give a point of reference to our listener?

• 25:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  You think that? You think that, do you? So what have you proved by doing exactly what I did to prepare for reading out this email?

• 26:07Speaker 00

  Absolutely nothing.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Mad.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, sorry, I did some bad mental maths then and then wanted to retract the last year of my life. So not the last five minutes, the last 12 months.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  So, Will, we're dealing with a very dense population. Also, we built our roads very early doors in the motorways in the 50s and 60s and 70s. So they were built on existing A roads, some of which were built on Roman roads, which means they're very narrow. So what we wouldn't give in this, I mean, if I could just concrete over the entire country so we could have 100 lane wide motorways. But we can't get your five, your six, I think they even have seven or eight lane highways.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  In some parts of America. So we are at the most four, but usually three.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Sometimes that's without a hard shoulder.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  What's, the M25 is the widest one, I think. What, how many lanes are on the M25?

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Could be four.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  So if something breaks down in a live lane, you've got to close that. You've got to get emergency vehicles there. You've got to protect the people around those emergency vehicles. So roads close a lot and traffic builds up very quickly because of the population density.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  And then add into the mix, it's very hot and nowhere has air conditioning, so people are driving angry.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  Yes, and often hungry.

• 27:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  So that's why there's lots of road closures here. And there's often, there's not long stretches without nothing happening. Whereas when you go to.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a good point, yeah, yeah.

• 27:50Speaker 01

  There's always junctions because there's so many places where people live and so many things, so many things to see and do. But there's not like 100 miles of just nothing.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  No.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Because then also you've got the.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Thankfully, I'd find that very hard to navigate.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  You've got the open expanse of what I'm assuming is plains in America, where, you know, people can come off, you know, people can swerve off the road.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Like in films?

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, and just be on the plains.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:17Speaker 01

  Whereas we have verges because all our roads are cut into hillsides.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 28:21Speaker 01

  Stuff like that. So I hope that answers the question that you didn't ask.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, God. Also, driving on British motorways on a Friday is to be avoided if you can. Because once it gets past three o'clock until 8pm, it's just the M1, the M4, the M5, the M6, they're so busy.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  Also on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, between seven and 10 and four and six and weekends during bank holidays or if the weather's nice.

• 28:57Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  So basically, oh, and at night they close everything to fix it.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  Because obviously we've got a lot higher. Here's another great point. We've got much higher use of those roads. So wear and tear happens much more quickly.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  They need to be closed and repaired.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  But if you work at night and travel at night, you're the one who bears the brunt.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. So what you ideally want for a successful driving career in the UK is to have a job that requires you to be in the office at midday, leaving at two.

• 29:31Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  And not on weekends or if the weather's nice.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Or Fridays.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it's a two hour job. For example, if you live in Swindon, a two hour job in Reading.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Six hours a week.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  Six hours a week.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Then, my God, you'll never complain.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Oh, you'd never complain. Um.

• 29:50Speaker 00

  But this is what I can't, this is what I can't sort of begin to imagine really. Sup boys, I'm a farmer from Canada, listening to you guys in the UK complaining about driving for 10 minutes. Here in Canada, we drive 240 kilometres just to grab something from the store we need or some medicine, literally one thing sometimes. And that's okay. It's just normal here. But that's just the start. I do about one to two hours in a vehicle to some machine, like a forage harvester, then drive that for 12 hours. No thanks. We have watermen that will spend about 12 to 15 hours driving and watching pivot irrigation systems all day, making sure water doesn't go to waste. Anyway, there's much more driving going on all day, but that's my small part in helping to feed the world, which I love.

• 30:33Speaker 00

  Kindest regards, George. Thank you, George. Yeah, I, it's weird. Like, I find driving physically tiring, but psychologically, if you're still moving, that makes such a massive difference. So if I had to drive for, I don't know, four hours, which in, by British standards, I would say is quite a long drive on the motorway.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  It'd get you to Lancaster.

• 30:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  If there's no stoppages and there's no, you know, traffic buildup or a crash, and you're going the whole way, apart from the stopper services for something, then that's, I would find that psychologically very different to being stuck on the motorway for four hours because, you know, there's been an accident.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Well, here's a journey of an altogether more positive psychological space. This is from Hugo. Shmoy, Ellis, John and Dave, I'm writing to you from Landudno as a changed man. I have seen the light and it is the Welsh countryside. I've embarked on a mad challenge slash crisis, camping from Land's End to John O'Groats, playing golf every day.

• 31:35Speaker 00

  You're divorced. There you go.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Until I score a round under par for the first time.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  Hugo is, he is divorced, yeah.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  I'm a seven handicap. Now that is, let's pause there because I did some calculations on that. To play a round of golf every day until you score a round under par for the first time, if you're a seven handicap, I am going to say it's unlikely that that will happen.

• 32:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, but Hugo's divorced, so it's fine.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  His life's fallen apart.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  Hugo, you're going to, I'll tell you why that's unlikely. Firstly, it's just very unlikely.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  So I have never, I'm a 12 handicap. I've never scored around the equivalent that Hugo needs to score in my life.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Secondly, if you're playing golf every day and camping, your body is going to begin to degrade. Thirdly.

• 32:26Speaker 00

  Is he keeping his clubs in his tent?

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Well, good to protect against bears or villains.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  He could cuddle them.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  He could cuddle them. Um. Thirdly, when you focus on your score in golf, you play worse. When you have a score target, you play worse. So my, in my experience, you'd never shoot the score if you're aiming for a score. Because as soon as you get like a bogey on a hole.

• 32:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, blow your nose.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  You think, oh, well, that's that done. Or you think, ah, I've ruined it. So then that ruins the rest of the round. Whereas you're going with no expectations. You sort of free up your mind and your body. So sorry Hugo, but I don't think it's going to happen. But if it does, do let us know. But the reason I get in touch is because whilst I know Ellis is aware of this, and John may well be soon following his trip to Pembrokeshire, as a nation, we're not championing the incredible Welsh countryside and coastline enough.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  Here, here, here. Clewch, clewch, clewch. Elis, honey. Here, here, here, here.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  Sure, Cornwall is nice. It's charming, beautiful. Of that, there can be no debate. But a week ago, I crossed the Prince of Wales Bridge and the fabric of my chemical DNA has been altered since.

• 33:36Speaker 00

  That's big talk.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Camping through Porthcawl, the Gower, Cardigan, Borth, Machanlith, Snowdonia, and then Conwy slash Landudno was absolutely majestic. It should be the part of the syllabus for all Brits. The visual beauty of the Wales coastline should be a bigger feature in the national conversation and Andy Burnham needs to initiate a Cobra meeting on it immediately.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  Well, he's in his honeymoon period. He hasn't had very many big, you know, no, Andy Burnham, he hasn't had very many big challenges yet. So if he's gonna do it, if he's gonna call a Cobra meeting to discuss how beautiful Wales is, he needs to do it now.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Well, this is what Alistair Campbell was saying about Andy Burnham's doing TikToks about rating pub snacks. You have to do that now.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Because that's not, that's not going to cut the mustard at the heart of a foot and mouth crisis. But what would you say to Hugo Ellis about his championing of the Welsh countryside despite the fact he's not going to achieve his goal? But if he does, I'd also like to see the card sound signed by someone with that, an official handicap.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  I love Cardigan, Borth and Machanlith, Snowdonia, Rerwy, obviously, fantastic. I must admit, for my sins, don't know the Gower very well. Because, lived in Pembrokeshire till I was 11, then moved to Gmawddan. And we were sort of equidistant between Pembrokeshire and the Gower, which are both quite similar spots, areas of outstanding natural beauty. So if we were ever going, you could either turn left for Pembrokeshire or right for the Gower. We'd always turn left. So I know Pembrokeshire very well, but the Gower, very little experience of the Gower, in fact, if I'm honest.

• 35:16Speaker 01

  I used to go there most years when I was a kid.

• 35:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't really know it. I don't know the good places to go in the Gower.

• 35:22Speaker 01

  Stay in a friend's.

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Or in Gower, on Gower. So I'm, I'm even getting that wrong, I think.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Staying in a friend's static caravan. So my memories of the Gower are sand, that weird sensation of sand and grass in dunes.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Oh, I love that, yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  Pleasant. We were always allowed a variety pack of cereal for the weeks, which we weren't allowed at home.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  And that's it.

• 35:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  And the smell of chemical toilets and once stubbing my toe very badly.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  And there's a cafe.

• 35:51Speaker 00

  There'll be more than one?

• 35:52Speaker 01

  Potentially two and a climbing frame.

• 35:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  But it was the eighties.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  It was the eighties, different time. But everyone tells me that it's absolutely superb, but I've never, I've never really explored it. And I think I might force Izzy and the kids to do that next year.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, I would, I would raise, Hugo, I would raise you Wales with North Scotland.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Oh, well, North Scotland's a different planet. It's unreal. Izzy's got a lot of family in Inverness and wow.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:25Speaker 00

  And like I say, wow cubed.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Wow cubed. Scotland is wow cubed. So I would get into the wow cube. But you're going to John O'Groats. So it'll be interesting to hear you playing golf in Scotland and not playing under par, because I don't think that's going to happen.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  But I would love to see the card if it does.

• 36:42Speaker 00

  But thank you, Hugo.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  Thank you very much. And thank you for all of your emails. Okay, okay, everyone.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  It was, yeah.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  Let's take a little break. And I tell you what, Dave's not the only person off today. Because Adrian's off. So we're going to be talking to Gordon Smart of all the blooming people, our old erstwhile colleague.

• 37:09Speaker 05

  And the character that I would pick out, Gordon, would be Tintin.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 37:14Speaker 05

  Who I absolutely love those books. And I've read them hundreds of times, all of them. And, you know, read them to my daughter as well. I know those stories inside out.

• 37:25Speaker 02

  Superb stuff. John Murray, thank you so much for coming on. Best of luck this season. Really looking forward to hearing you on air again throughout the season ahead. Thanks, John.

• 37:33Speaker 05

  Thanks, Gordon.

• 37:34Speaker 02

  Right. Now we're going to talk to another couple of men who are men of words. And one of them writes regularly wherever he gets the chance. The other one, more a man of music, I would say. Ellis and John are joining us right now. I'm sure they were listening. I hope they were listening to that. Because I think both have a very strong connection to books and they would probably jump into this one and agree, wouldn't you, John Robbins?

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Well, Ellis is on the William Hill Sportsbook of the Year panel. He's your man for sports reading.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  I am, yeah. This is my third year.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  He's read more books about sport than have actually been written. He's had to make some up in his. His mind when there aren't any to read.

• 38:13Speaker 02

  Have you written a book yet, Ellis? Have you done any writing?

• 38:15Speaker 00

  I write articles about Welsh football for The Guardian. And I wrote half a book with John. Actually, I would say I wrote 44% of a book with John, if you look at the word count.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  I'd say that's about, that's.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  But nothing to compare with John's book Thirst, which is an absolutely cracking read.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Oh, well, that's very kind. I think Ellis should write a book about the Welsh sporting and class experience. But to be frank, he can't be asked. He has been asked.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  John, how long is it, John, before I read a book about yoghurt that you've penned?

• 38:51Speaker 01

  Probably quite a while, I would say. That's low down. In fact, we were talking on our BBC Sounds podcast, The Bureau de Change of the Mind, about a novel I attempted to write during lockdown, which was about a guy with a lot of tummy trouble. Because I thought there was a gap in the market for someone's interior experience of tummy trouble.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  That's always the way novelists look at it, isn't it? They tend not to write about what they want to write. They think there's a gap in the market there.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  They do.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  There are very few novels about men with IBS.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:22Speaker 02

  Oh, man. The IBS, I remember a guy I went to school, my dad's a GP, and a friend of mine, one of my best friends, asked me if I could just consult him to see if the problems he had would require a very intimate examination. And I forgot to ask my dad, and he asked me a few weeks later, I said, did you ask your dad that question? And I said, yeah, you're definitely going to have that intimate examination. And for years, his IBS went undiagnosed because of the fear of that. And I think as a public service broadcaster, this is a good opportunity for me to just fix that balance and say, if you've got any worries about that, don't ask a doctor's son for any help.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  Not when he's 14. Because you would forget. Did you get a lot of that, people asking you questions? Because they thought, well, he's bound to have picked some knowledge up, residual knowledge.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  When we went on family holidays, there'd be a moment my dad sat me and my brother down, and he would say, right, don't tell anybody I'm a doctor. And just a couple of times, we would test the theory. And sure enough, it would ruin the holiday because somebody would just come and sit beside my dad and say, can you just have a look at this?

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've got a big rush.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  I've got to say, it is a delight when you get added to a WhatsApp group and find out that someone on there is a doctor.

• 40:29Speaker 02

  I thought Robins, I thought John Robins might be the person that you shouldn't share that information with.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, well.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  You've gleaned on that.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  I've been lucky enough for the past eight years to be on a golfing WhatsApp group with 30 doctors.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 40:44Speaker 01

  Pretty much all specialities covered.

• 40:47Speaker 00

  That's fantastic.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  And they have been a boon. Just, you learn the lesson quickly. Do not automatically download images from that WhatsApp group. Leave them blurred.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  Was your dad more gung ho with your health than everyone else is, Gordon? Because a couple of mates of mine, their parents were GPs, and they were all like, oh, you'll be all right.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Ellis, he had no sympathy for my ailments. At one point, I came in and said, I've really got a problem with my throat. And he said, just take some paracetamol, you'll be fine. And I was rushed to hospital not long after that with a Quincy throat.

• 41:23Speaker 01

  Is that?

• 41:24Speaker 02

  And I was really struggling to breathe. So that was, thanks, Dad. I'd just like to say.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  What's a Quincy throat? Is that a Scottish ailment?

• 41:31Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no. It's quite a well-known thing, actually. Have a little look, John. It'll be good for the podcast. You can look at, maybe that's the new part of the show you could do, where I suggest weird medical stuff from my dad that you can look into on the podcast.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Quincy throat, right.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  That's a nice experience. See, I remember him breaking his nose playing rugby, and his dad sort of reset it and gave him a paracetamol, and that was that.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  That's it. No sympathy. Broken bones, you'll be all right. You'll be fine in the morning.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't like the images of a Quincy throat. Oh, my God. No, thanks.

• 41:57Speaker 02

  Ellis and John, Ellis and John are up next at one o'clock. I think I've got to go to the news now. I don't really need to ask what's on the show, do I? No, we don't need to do that.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  It doesn't matter, but it's on at one.

• 42:47Speaker 03

  Hey, it's Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad, and the holidays are around the corner, which means I'm officially entering my Hostess Hannah era with Arm and Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. You guys know I love cats and fostering, but when I'm hosting, I do not want my house smelling like cats. I want people focusing on my hosting skills. That's why I love Arm and Hammer Hardball Cat Litter. It delivers long-lasting odor control and forms compact clumps that make cleanup easy. So that's one less thing I need to worry about when people come over. Be guest-ready with Arm and Hammer Cat Litter. Find it now at Walmart or Amazon.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  Right, everyone. That was or wasn't Gordon Smart, depending on whether the quality of the chat we had was good enough to include. Knowing Gordon, it will be.

• 43:31Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  He's always got angles.

• 43:33Speaker 00

  He's a pro chatter.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  He's, he's, he's made entirely of angles, which weirdly makes him a sphere.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  He's the first spherical broadcaster.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, because he's infinite angles.

• 43:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  But let's have some mad dads. My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.

• 43:56Speaker 00

  Actual real wooden clogs.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  And set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canapes.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so of it. What, onto the Timber Striker mad dads?

• 44:19Speaker 01

  Do send in your mad dads to hello at ellisonjohn.com. And this is from Molly. Hello, my charming little prunes. My dad is a very lovely, very kind old man who happens to be deeply mad. He is 86, and his childhood was therefore defined by the end of World War II and rationing. As such, he doesn't believe in throwing food away, and has been known to cut the mouldy section of cheese, fine, bread, I wouldn't, and lemons. What? And declare them safe to eat. Now, I would definitely cut mouldy sections of cheese.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  I probably would cut the mouldy section off a bread if it was a loaf or take a slice from the middle.

• 45:00Speaker 00

  I would take a slice in the middle.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  And lemons? I think I probably would cut the mouldy bit off a lemon if I was just trying to get the juice.

• 45:09Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Well, it's the juices.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  What, for a juice for a punk kick?

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, the juice isn't mouldy, is it?

• 45:16Speaker 00

  I would need to, I would, do you know what with lemons? It's a case-by-case basis.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  I've always said that. It's a case-by-case basis when it comes to mouldy lemons. To this end, he has two freezers full to bursting. And in the 2010s, a number of my family began a gentle campaign for these to be cleared out. We had two core points to our argument. A, if you still haven't eaten leftovers from Christmas 2017, it's unlikely that frozen leftovers from 2019 will add much to your life. That's a good point. But then, you buy new t-shirts even though you've got old t-shirts.

• 45:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  B, living in London within walking distance of two three major supermarkets makes it unlikely you'll need a stockpile of frozen food dating back half a decade. My dad was, of course, ecstatic when the pandemic came, and proudly announced that he would use this time to avoid the mad rush for food delivery slots by eating his way through the stockpiled leftovers. Good for him. Less so for myself and my cousin, who were living with him at the time. About two weeks into lockdown, Dad surfaced after dinner with a white Tupperware. "Do either of you want ice cream for dessert?" he asked. "Ooh, what flavour is it?" I replied. "Prunes," he said. "What? Why do you have prune ice cream? Where did you even buy prune

• 46:37Speaker 01

  ice cream?" me and my cousin inquired. "I didn't buy it. It's homemade. Your mum made it." My mum, prunes aside, was an excellent cook with great taste. But crucially, by 2020, she'd been dead for 12 years.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  This was a new low of the freezer storage. My cousin and I tried. Try to impress on my dad what a bad idea this would be. Even if we hadn't been in a global pandemic that had overloaded all healthcare services, but to no avail. He sat down with the Tupperware, which to my horror was labelled prune ice cream nineteen ninety something with the final digit missing. He opened it and ate the entire thing. To this day, he absolutely, one hundred percent maintains that the stomach problems he faced the next day were unrelated to the age of the ice cream. When challenged, he points out that prunes are a natural laxative after all. To be fair to him, he didn't throw up and didn't need to go to hospital.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  So he clearly has a stronger stomach than anyone else in the family. And the freezer is now emptier, presumably while he restocks for twenty thirty five. Uh, thanks for all the laughs, Molly.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  I like the fact that the, the prune ice cream date had, the, the missing digit had faded over time.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 47:57Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  I quite, when I read that email, I did look into getting an ice cream maker because I really fancied prune ice cream. I think that would work really well.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  I don't think I've ever had a prune.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  You've never had a prune?

• 48:09Speaker 00

  No, I've had dates and figs.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  Oh my God, you've had everything but.

• 48:14Speaker 00

  And raisins and sultans.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Prunes are great. Have you never had a prune when having breakfast with an elderly person?

• 48:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Have you never had a prune at a sort of band above, uh, your Travelodge hotel breakfast?

• 48:30Speaker 00

  No, I've, I've never, I've never, I've never.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  I'll often go for prunes and yogurt.

• 48:35Speaker 00

  Because of the laxative links. I'm always worried that I'll basically put a prune on my plate and then lose the next two days of my life to diarrhoea.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  No, that's not, I wouldn't say that's how it works. I would say you're safe with five to seven prunes.

• 48:50Speaker 00

  Five to seven is the sweet spot.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  I'd say so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  Okay. Right, uh, this is another one. This made me laugh. Dear Ellis John and producer Dave, before I go into my mad dad, I just wanted to say how much joy this podcast brings me, or how much I prefer to hear Ellison John's inner thoughts over knowing which celebrity prefers still the sparkling water. Oh, sorry, I missed that.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  What's that from?

• 49:13Speaker 00

  Uh, off menu.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  Basically, this person's saying that she prefers us to off menu. Sorry, I didn't.

• 49:21Speaker 01

  Keep it in.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Keep, okay. Uh, my dad's a very forward thinking, plan focused man. He buys extra luggage if needed. He keeps instructions for running the most recent cooking appliances and is generally quite tech savvy. Until it was time to replace his telephone. My parents, both in the late seventies, each have a mobile phone, but generally prefer to use a landline. However, living in rural England meant the setup was prone to outages. So my dad was on the hunt for a solution. One day whilst home for Christmas, my dad said he'd heard about wifi powered landlines and wanted in. The next day, he found someone who could come to the house and install it. Before he came to the house, he had two questions. How many phones do you need? Do you want the phone to bypass your mobile if no one picks up? And if so, after how many rings? The answer to question one, how many phones do you need?

• 50:06Speaker 00

  Every room.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Every room.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  Every room. Yes, that's right. He wanted the study, kitchen, bedrooms, laundry room, all to have one. An upgrade from the one they had. And the answer to question two, yes. He enjoys techie solutions, always says yes if he thinks it will help. New phones installed. It was time for my first visit back home post upgrade. As I walked through the house, I felt a shift. This house felt important. A call at one AM could be answered in minutes. A call whilst doing the laundry could be picked up before the tablet hit the back of the drum. The White House need not wait long before he'd pick up. World Matters could be signed off within seconds. My dad had even installed a phone in the hallway wall on a newly designed L-shaped wooden frame.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  What you should know about my dad is that he retired twenty years ago, potters around the garden and gets the occasional call from friends and relatives, but mostly he ignores the landline because it's usually people trying to scam him out of a major banking problem. And the only difference now is that instead of being able to ignore it and move away from the landline, it goes straight through to his mobile phone. Thanks for the joy you bring me. Best, Louisa. Now, what frightened me about that is if he's got a room in every, if he's got a phone in every single room of the house.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Are they all ringing?

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Are they all ringing at the same time?

• 51:21Speaker 01

  That's a very good question.

• 51:23Speaker 00

  Because my, uh, cousins are farmers and they, this is thirty years ago, their landline was linked up to a bell on the outside of the house.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Like at an MOT garage?

• 51:35Speaker 00

  Yes, if they're in, if they were in a field, they could hear that the phone was ringing.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  But you're not going to get back in time from a field, are you?

• 51:43Speaker 00

  No, but I suppose you could get back in time to do one four seven one.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 51:48Speaker 00

  Uh, but if they're all ringing at the same.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  Mums love one four seven one.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  They really do, yeah.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  It's mum's is favourite thing.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. And then there was, was it one five one, which meant that you couldn't be one four seven one?

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Yes, that's correct.

• 52:02Speaker 00

  Yes. And naughty boys love one five one.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  Yes, they do.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  Um, if they're all ringing at the same time, that's hell.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  Also, if they've all got slightly different rings, that's mega hell cubed.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 52:18Speaker 00

  So that, I have to know the answer to that question.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  I, I was going to put this in John Wins again, but I will tell my tale because it's not really a tale, it's quite dull. I switched mobile phone providers for the first time in my life this week.

• 52:33Speaker 00

  Okay, why?

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Because I was tired of.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  You're gift gaff?

• 52:39Speaker 01

  I'm not gift gaff.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  You're gaff gif.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  I tell you what, it was a faff faff.

• 52:45Speaker 00

  Got the same number?

• 52:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, same number.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clew, clew, clew, alieni.

• 52:51Speaker 01

  When I rang, considering I've been with this company for twenty six years.

• 52:57Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  I was expecting more fanfare.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've been with my company since nineteen ninety nine, so that's twenty seven years. And on the rare occasions I consider it, I imagine them like weeping.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause my. Like a breakup. I thought it was going to be like a breakup.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  My company's gone through a very big name change.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  I still refer to it as the old name, like everyone in their forties. And I'm, I am expecting them.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  Orange.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, to beg.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, it's the longest relationship of my life by twenty two years.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  With my phone provider.

• 53:31Speaker 00

  That's sad. So, yeah, I've, I've got a longer relationship with my phone provider than Izzy.

• 53:36Speaker 01

  I thought, I thought we were going to.

• 53:39Speaker 00

  She knows that.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  I thought we were going to get into a situation where it ends up with me getting a really good deal.

• 53:44Speaker 00

  And then I've breakup sex.

• 53:46Speaker 01

  But, but I don't think companies care anymore about anything. Cause they're just, they're just trying to gouge you. So you call up and say, I don't want to be gouged. And they go, oh, fair, fair enough. Here's your, here's your pack code. They're not, they're not even, I just think companies have become so separate from their customers.

• 54:05Speaker 00

  So they didn't say, right, okay, two pence a month for limited texts.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  They didn't say, is there anything we can do? Is there anything, would you like any upgrade? It was literally like, okay, fine. Yep, I'll send that to you.

• 54:14Speaker 00

  Because I'm not a very good negotiator, which is why I've got an agent. Years ago, I remember when it came to renewing my contract, I would always do the whole, well, I'll just blimmin' leave then. I'll go, I'll go to gift gaff.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  I'm gonna go to Vodafone actually. And I go, oh yeah. And I go, yeah. And I'm not. And they go, yeah, fine, it's this. And I go, yeah, thanks.

• 54:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:37Speaker 00

  But you actually were willing to.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  I was willing to negotiate. She said, what, can I ask why you're thinking of leaving? And I said, because the signal is terrible and the app is unusable. And she said, yeah, the app's a funny one, isn't it? And I said, uh, yeah, I'm not really after a funny one app. I'm after an app that sort of works.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  I want my, I want my friends to make me laugh and not my apps.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  And I think, and maybe my tone was a bit sarcastic, but I also think that's an odd thing to say, oh, it's funny. Oh, it's a funny old thing, isn't it? Like, it's like a rickety car.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  But that's recognition that it doesn't work.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. She said, okay, then, yeah, I'll, I'll send you the, I'll send you the pack code. And then like, is there anything else I can do for you today? And I'm like, well, no. And then it's over. You're like, twenty six years for that? Twenty six years. I have, I have loyally paid way more money than I should because all UK mobile companies are way more expensive than they should be. So I went to a new provider.

• 55:37Speaker 00

  Is the signal better?

• 55:38Speaker 01

  Well.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  Well.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  You must have checked first.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yes, I did. I checked on the service map, which is kind of useless because my main problem was Met line outages when I'm playing Boggle or Scrabble on the way into London.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Oh my God, your Boggle, your Boggle addiction caused you to end a twenty six year relationship with your mobile phone provider?

• 56:02Speaker 01

  Basically, yeah. Cause you're going, the Met line.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  You are such an addict.

• 56:09Speaker 01

  The Met line goes through, you know, areas of industry, Rickmansworth, Harrow.

• 56:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:15Speaker 01

  There are others, North Harrow, Medium Harrow.

• 56:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  West Harrow.

• 56:20Speaker 00

  Small Harrow.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Small Harrow, Finchley.

• 56:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  Then you're Underground, that's not on them.

• 56:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  I don't expect signal Underground.

• 56:28Speaker 00

  Although there's no five G on the Victoria line somewhere.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  Well, there's, they're clearly not thinking, how do we ensure that the Met line continues to be a huge vein of British in, in invention?

• 56:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Uh, of business. So there's just outages along the Met line. However, this new provider has, I think, signal at every tube station, which is good.

• 56:54Speaker 00

  So you can Boggle.

• 56:56Speaker 01

  So I can Boggle at, on a tube station, yeah. But, um, yeah, I just felt a bit bereft actually, which I think says more about me than my mobile phone provider.

• 57:06Speaker 00

  But I, I would have expected them to have really tried to beg you to stay.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  Well, wait until I tell you about my roadside recovery renewal. That'll have to wait for another time.

• 57:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 57:19Speaker 01

  Uh, so thank you very much.

• 57:20Speaker 00

  Called a tease in the biz.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  That's called a tease in the biz. I think that's probably only going to be exciting to the guy who wants to hear more about roads. Uh, but thank you very much for being with us, Dave. We'll be back next week and we've got a very special guest producer for Tuesday. Bye, bye.

• 57:37Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 57:51Speaker 04

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• 58:53Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show, and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at @EllisonJohn for more content.

• 58:59Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page, at @EllisonJohn.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch, and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.