#566 - The Infinite Diversion, Screaming In My Car and Hell Is Close To Stow-on-the-Wold

Robins has had a disaster. The sort of disaster that should only besiege Elis James. But what could it be? Tardiness? Something indicative of cognitive decline? Or maybe far worse? We also receive some very weak vindication for Elis after the mockery he received for his book openings, and we ask, would a 20 year old with a heavy goods vehicle licence be permitted to drive The Sportage? Got a £7 bag of crisps, a ham hock and an artisan cruffin to send in? Well jam them into an attachment to [email protected] For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. There's a brand new Adventure up there right now! It's right HERE https://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn/posts/adventure-5-test-164964808?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_fan&utm_content=web_share! For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisandjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini golf picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well. Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisandjohn now.

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• 2:02Speaker 01

  Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Elis James and John Robbins show. How are you doing, Ellis?

• 2:07Speaker 00

  I'm very good, actually.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Why?

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Um.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  What right do you have?

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I don't know. I just, um, I like warm weather. Uh.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  You can't like this. You cannot be enjoying this.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  I don't mind this.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  You cannot be serious.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Well, I should feel like you're on holiday.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  It's great.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  On a holiday you hate, that you've been persuaded to go on by a girl friend who doesn't get you.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  No, obviously I don't work outdoors.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  But, you know, I'm not, I'm not a scaffolder or a gardener or something. I'm not sort of, uh, so in that regard, I'm quite lucky. But my house is naturally very cool, which isn't ideal in the winter, but it's great in this weather. So I have respite. And it is, does it feel like going on holiday? So I dropped the kids off this morning. The childminder at my state, there were people just having a coffee and reading the paper outside. I thought.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  You can do that in the rain and the snow.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  No, you can't.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Yes, you can.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can, but it would be a much worse experience.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Yes, you can. You can read the paper.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Bring the rain.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  You can read a paper in the rain outdoors.

• 3:12Speaker 01

  I want a thousand days of rain.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  We do need rain, to be fair.

• 3:15Speaker 00

  Oh, my, my lawn is, dead doesn't adequately explain what's happened to my lawn.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. Mine's fake and even mine's going yellow.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  It's now, it is now unsavable.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Do you know, though, that grass doesn't die?

• 3:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, it'll always come back.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  It's insane.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  Someone is telling me it's the most resilient substance on earth.

• 3:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Grass.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  I wish I was made of grass.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  Oh, mate.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  I wish I was as resilient as grass.

• 3:42Speaker 01

  I wish, I wish I was head to toe grass.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. Imagine you could, you could obviously then, Professor, if you've got a bad review, if you're made of grass, you just brush it off.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, this'll come back.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Just jump in the sea and it'll come back. But saltwater probably doesn't help.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  If, if Chortle gave me one star and I was made of grass.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Tough shit, mate. I'm grass.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  Not bothered.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  But we, we have to tend the grass of the mind, though, in order to build resilience.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Uh, yes.

• 4:12Speaker 02

  Bit of baby bio.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 4:14Speaker 02

  Another little fertiliser bottle that keeps flowers growing fuller and greener.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. I'd like a little bit of baby bio for the soul.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  A little bit of baby bio.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  There was a house party next door last night because.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Did you call the council?

• 4:26Speaker 00

  Uh, no, because I.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  Did you throw

• 4:30Speaker 01

  peas at them?

• 4:31Speaker 00

  No. No, I enjoyed it.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  What?

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Because they, it was an 18 year old girl next door done her A levels.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  It's inappropriate for you to join that party.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, I didn't, I didn't.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  He enjoyed it.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Oh, I see, right.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  I didn't join it. I didn't join it.

• 4:46Speaker 02

  Hey, kids.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Hi, guys. Guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did my A levels back in 99, so, uh, yeah.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  What are you doing? Health and social care? Yeah, cool. Mind if I open a tini?

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Can I have a shout out for the GBQ guys?

• 4:59Speaker 02

  Call me Toploader.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  I got a couple of cans of John Smith's in the fridge. If anyone wants to kick back, we're all 18, right?

• 5:05Speaker 00

  Who likes Worthington?

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Of course, the old pensions used to refer to it as whoosh back when I was working in pubs in the early 2000s. Hello, guys, guys? What was interesting was the music they were playing.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Not Toploader. No.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  I bet you couldn't describe the genre.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  No, no. This is the interesting thing. It was very like Magic FM.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Like 18 year olds, they love Bruno Mars.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  And also, I remember.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  He's modern, though, isn't he?

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Well, he's been around for a long time. He is the biggest selling, you know, highest streaming artist on Spotify by a mile and has been for a long time.

• 5:42Speaker 02

  Not, not over Tay Tay, surely?

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. She's like in the top 10.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Who's Tay Tay?

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Uh, Taylor Swift's John.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  She's dropped, Betty was looking at the chances that she dropped down to number nine. It is always Bruno Mars in at number one. Mari, Marihu, they, they were singing along to. The other song that is an utter phenomenon is Mr. Brightside by The Killers.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  It is crazy how popular that song has been for about 20 years.

• 6:09Speaker 02

  Wasn't that in the Billboard Top 100 for four, four years or something?

• 6:13Speaker 00

  It is, it is insane.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  So when they, when someone put that on really loud and they were dancing on the campus and this put it on again, same, same response.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  And then did you call the council?

• 6:24Speaker 00

  No, I just, I just find it very interesting, uh, sort of from a pop culture perspective. So there was like Journey, Don't Stop Believing.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  That's good. I like this.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. I don't think, no, I listened to that music when I was 18. It was much older stuff than I was listening to when I was 18. Under Pressure by Queen.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Oh, hello. Now, sorry, call the council, cancel it. Sky, sorry, it was a mistake.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  That got a spin.

• 6:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  I hallucinated a party. Turns out these kids are just kicking back.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  You know, this was actually the only number one Queen had in the eighties.

• 6:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Shouts over the fence.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  I actually did pretty well in my A levels.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  Yeah. So they had number one with Bohemian Rhapsody, then, uh, We Will Rock You and,

• 7:08Speaker 01

  We Are The Champions. That only got to number two. Don't let us get caught up in number twos. Uh, but then this was the eighties and then, uh, Innuendo and Bohemian Rhapsody again in the nineties.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  Well, I was in 1991, yeah.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  Oh, that was after Freddie had sadly passed, but, um, sure. Yeah.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  When did, when was Mr. Brightside released?

• 7:28Speaker 02

  2003 or four.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Oh, my.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  2004.

• 7:33Speaker 00

  I remember, I remember Paul Sinners, Facebook status from him. He'd done a gig in Liverpool and he was walking back to his hotel and he'd walked past four different bars that were playing it. And like everyone was just singing along. And he said, it's the new national anthem.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  And my friend Chris Skell, who's, it's his favourite song. And he always says that should be the national anthem, sort of God save, God save the king.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  But it is, it is, it is man.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  It's almost too big. I don't really consider it a good song anymore because it's everywhere constantly.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  It's no longer a song.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  It's no longer a song.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  It's a gas.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  It's just an element.

• 8:07Speaker 00

  It's a phenomenon gas.

• 8:08Speaker 01

  It's like the air is always 6% Mr. Brightside.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  And if, and if you go up high enough in the atmosphere, it's actually about 20% Mr. Brightside. And Mercury's atmosphere is 100% Mr. Brightside.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 8:21Speaker 01

  And if you went there, you'd die.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  2003, they weren't even born when it came out.

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Who wasn't?

• 8:29Speaker 00

  The kids were singing along to it last night.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  I remember.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  What is it? How do I write a Mr. Brightside? It'd become the world's most popular.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Chance Brandon. Also, he's not a one hit wonder. I've got a lot of time for Brandon Flowers. He's very, he's a very competent songwriter, if you're into that sort of thing.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  Sounds like you're damning with faint praise there.

• 8:46Speaker 02

  No, absolutely not. No, he's fantastic. I, I'm a big fan, actually.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, but fair play to them. And, you know, letting their hair down after, after two stressful years doing their A levels.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  Oh, it's great.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  I find it very, it really gladdens my heart when I hear people having.

• 9:01Speaker 02

  Live vicariously through it.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  It was actually, I was working on the intro for Tuesday. That's what I was doing.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Oh, were you?

• 9:08Speaker 00

  As they were all, as they were having a lot of fun. And, uh, yeah, sure. My kids couldn't sleep, but. I was willing to take that on the chin.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  But how are you, John?

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Ah, oh dear. Someone's opened Pandora's Box, Dave.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  Can you take that back, Ellis?

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Someone has just tried to cross the River Styx and they've looked back and turned to salt, probably.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  I am a Chasen Robbins.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  This has never happened before.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  I, I, I worry about myself.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Well, we all, we all worry about you. We all worry about you. And now you've got professionals worrying on your behalf.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Ellis, I have had.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  You're scum.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  I'm loathed. I've had a nightmare.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  And I can only tell you the story of the nightmare through.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Hydrographics?

• 10:05Speaker 01

  No, on-the-spot correspondence. So I, I recorded live from the nightmare.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Okay. Your skin's looking good. It hasn't stressed you out?

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Thank you. I had a prawn sandwich this morning. That's a risk, so I took an antihistamine.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  That's just a preventative.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  That's all right then.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, the skin is looking good, so.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  Do not have any of the new Scotch bonnet jam that they've got downstairs.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  No, sir.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Flipping heck.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  No, sir, I won't.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  No, don't do that.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  So, Dave, is the clip, are the clips ready? Strap in. You might be quite bored, but do feel free to pause it at any time to ask questions.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah. Is that, he's got a slight glint in his eye. So it can't be that bad.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Oh, it was, it's the sort of thing that happens to you.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  Oh. Well, I love to, before we start, because I've had a, I've had a quick listen to bits of it. It's amazing that John found it in himself to turn this into content. I'm hugely impressed by that because it's quite stressful.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  It was either that or move to the sea.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  Or, you know, that little, that little sort of concrete block that the guy lived on and claimed as his own, just in the North Sea.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Why? Have you had, have you had blood test results back, or something?

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Play the first clip, please, Zoff. I come to you from the Sportage. I am John Robbins. That's not changed. But I have done something distinctly un-Robins and it snowballed into a catastrophe that really shows how the lack of Robins-ness about modern Britain has led to its inevitable decline. I was at my mum's in Bristol for a birthday picnic for my sister and my niece.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  And that was very nice. I left at 4pm to drive home.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  At 5:30pm, I received a call from my mum.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Ironically, while I was listening to a podcast about meditating your stress away. Oh, you are kidding me. You've closed that road.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  You are kidding me.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Oh God.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  This is bad.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Okay, so. Right.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Bear with me.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  And he's off.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, my first, the anecdote was interrupted by the nightmare that was a live situation.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  So we're not sure exactly.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  We don't know what's happened, yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  So it's not Sportage? Sportage hasn't failed its MOT or anything?

• 12:57Speaker 01

  I'm in the Sportage. The Sportage.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Is legal and roadworthy.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  The Sportage is not to blame.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  That's your sanctum, isn't it?

• 13:03Speaker 01

  The poor girl got caught up in all of this.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  And no blame lies on her very capable shoulders.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Okay. You've obviously forgotten something at your mum's house.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  You're in the right ballpark, Zoff. Play clip number two, please. I am in hell. This is what hell looks like, and it's closer to Stow-on-the-Wold than I thought.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  I get a phone call at 5:30, an hour and a half after leaving my mum's house. Ironically, while I'm listening to a meditation podcast about how to deal with your thoughts, to say that my sister couldn't find her phone and they looked at it on Find My Phone and it's travelling at speed towards Buckinghamshire.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  Somehow, in, I'm gonna say, one of the most un-Robins moves of my career thus far.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Sorry, I'm having a nightmare. I'm living in hell and it's in Stow-on-the-Wold.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Somehow I picked up my sister's phone on the way out and put it in my pocket, even though I already had my phone. So I now have my sister's phone whilst driving at speed, an hour and a half from my mum's. So there's a simple, if annoying, solution is that I need to turn around and drive an extra three hours to get the phone back to my sister. Problem number one. Well, that's problem number one. That's the problem. Problem number two, as soon as I put down the phone saying I'll turn around, I hit a traffic jam, which Waze and Google Maps are telling me is 45-minute traffic jam.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  Which means, in order to get back to where I am, but the other way around, in order to get westbound on the M4, it's gonna take me an hour and a half.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Keys in both directions.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  So that's gonna be four and a half hours.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  Added. Four and a half hours just to get back to where I am.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  So I start to think there must be other options of getting the phone to her. I'll need to, like, get a courier, or maybe there's some kind of special emergency postal service. This is beautiful, wherever this is. So I can't do that though, because I'm driving, so I enable Siri for the first time in my life. Thinking, well, I'll just ask Siri what to do. So I turn Siri on and I say, and this is quite a complicated request for my first ever use of Siri. I say, I am stuck in a traffic jam eastbound junction 12 of the M4.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  Can you find a post office that's gonna be open when I get there? Bearing in mind the 45-minute delay. Siri says, S&P Contractors is located at Reading Industrial Estate and is open till 5pm. So I try again. Siri says, we cannot verify your location. So that's no good.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  So I think I'm just gonna have to navigate to a post office because I just can't find out all this stuff from a moving, albeit very slowly moving vehicle. So I get to the end of the traffic jam, takes about 50 minutes. Oh, you are out of control. Is that road closed? It's happened again.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Oh my God.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  I'll be right back.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  And he's gone again. Why does he keep nipping off? Is it because it's too much at that point?

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Well, because I can't drive anywhere because they keep closing the roads.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  This is, this kind of behaviour is what put me off driving for life. Do you remember that time I had to ring you because the highways agency had mis-sort of labelled?

• 17:30Speaker 01

  The infinite diversion?

• 17:31Speaker 00

  The infinite diversion.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  I kept taking the diversion.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Like a whirlpool at sea.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  I kept taking the diversion. I'd done a gig in Cardiff and I was on the way back to London and it kept sending me back to the same spot.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  Just before the Severn Bridge. And the third time, I thought, I can't, I can't just drive in this loop until I die or run out of petrol.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  So in an, in an enormous nightmare, I don't even have time to record the story of the nightmare.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  I must say that you have to drive back. You can't, you can't send it. You can't. It's your fault.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, but let's, let's find.

• 18:14Speaker 00

  So you can't say I'll post it to you. It's your sister's phone.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'm looking into whether I can post it that day. Let's hear what happens.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  I've come up with a new mantra. Let it only be time you lose. I will bring you to, oh, don't. Oh my God, if this road is closed, I am going to live in my car and never, ever go anywhere. I'm just gonna park my car and live in my car. Is this road closed?

• 18:52Speaker 01

  No. Okay, so where was I up to? I get out of the traffic jam. I drive to a post office in Reading that is open. I say, can you take, can I send this phone to Droidwich for crying out loud? It's an emergency.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  Now, the Royal Mail do a same-day service, 160 quid. But you need to be at home for them to pick it up. And obviously tomorrow morning, I'm not gonna be at home. I'm gonna be doing the radio. So I can't do their same-day service. The next-day service, so today is Thursday, to get it there tomorrow, which is today, Friday, I need to have sent it before midday. And I'm at a post office in Reading at 6:00 in the evening.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  So the only thing I could do from there is get it to Droidwich on Saturday. That's no good.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  I park up in a BP garage to gather my thoughts.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  I look into getting an Uber courier from the recording to Droidwich. That's economically unviable. It would be actually cheaper for me to buy her a new phone and I could get it to her quicker.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  I notice that the BP garage has an every drop-off station and despite. Libelous claim redacted. Emailing me 50 times to ask how that experience was. Unsubstantiated claims redacted. Customer service. Libelous and unsubstantiated. Criticisms redacted. I say to the woman in there, I'll pay any money to get this to Droidwich tomorrow. That's not possible because I need to do it via the app. Unsubstantiated claims about every redacted. I need to then get a QR code that they scan to print a label to put on. Redacted. An envelope or jiffy bag or box that I obviously don't have. I can't just send a phone in the post with a label on it.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  But also, so I get back in my car, I go on the app, I can't do that because I need to have done it by midday.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  So there's no escaping the fact I'm now driving to Droidwich. Which is gonna add four hours on. Anyway, I start driving to Droidwich. Back, past the traffic jam, I then call my niece, because my sister doesn't have a phone. I speak to my sister. We arranged to meet at Gloucester Services, so even though this is a phenomenal ball egg in all my fault and very un-Robbins, it does mean I get to go to Gloucester Services. Hour and a half to Gloucester Services. It's now three and a half hours since I left my mum's and I'm the same distance away from my house.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Then I began on my way from Gloucester Services, where I bought everyone who works on the show treats to make something worthwhile out of this sorry mess, do people a favour, feel better. So I'm navigating home. That was when you joined me and they decided to close every road in the Cotswolds, or one road. But obviously, they don't tell any of the navigation companies, they could be doing to Waze what I am doing, which is putting in the closures, but I don't know where the closure ends. So Waze keeps directing me further down the closed road. So unless I work for the highways agency. Which I don't, to know.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  And know exactly where that closure ends, me telling Waze there's a closure now because Waze assumes it's just a few hundred yards. And that's where we find our hero, saying, let the only thing you lose be time.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  So I left Bristol at four, currently due back in Buckinghamshire at 10, do the maths. Fingers crossed, we don't have any more closures. That is my report. That is my report.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Now then.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Well, let's all have our treats.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  As a circuit stand-up, or circuit stand-ups, the two of us drove thousands of miles between the two of us.

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Amen. That's why I should work for the highways agency.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  Now then, the highways agency, I'm gonna be careful with what I say here, Dave. Listen, everyone's trying their best.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  All it takes.

• 23:28Speaker 02

  But I cannot think of many agencies who've let me down more or worse in my life.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  If you are listening to this programme and you work for the highways agency, or you work for a gas company, or you work for a road company that repair roads, you do God's work, when you put the closure up and you are sat in the front of the van directing people away, go on Waze and mark out the closure.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  It is, it is.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  It's that simple.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  It is.

• 23:59Speaker 01

  Takes you 30 seconds.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  It is the thing stand-up comics discuss in dressing rooms.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Or if you're high up at these companies.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  Happened to me so many times.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Find a contact at Google Maps, Waze, Apple Maps, that you can find some bit of software that you can say from 10pm till 8am, this road is gonna be closed for a mile.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Because also, circuit comics are driving at that time. From 10pm, it is international waters.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  And it's not just circuit comics, it's people who do shift work.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, it's just that's my, you know, driving back from gigs is what would happen. Then I realised that this was happening to me all the time, so I'd have to go on first so I could try and get to the bit before 10pm, because it's sort of workable until 10. And then from 10, it's like, oh, you don't, you don't matter.

• 24:51Speaker 02

  Right, because they do the majority of the work overnight.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  But even if it's in the day.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Because if, if Waze had known, or Google Maps had known that road was gonna be closed, it wouldn't have taken me into the Cotswolds. Gone back down the M4.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  So Droidwich, I'm struggling to make sense of this. So your mum lives around Bristol?

• 25:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  And you tried, you were heading back to London?

• 25:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  So why have you ended so far north above Bristol to meet your sister?

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Where my sister lives.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Got it, okay, that makes sense.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  So did you drive all the way to Droidwich or did you just drive to Gloucester?

• 25:22Speaker 01

  We drove to Gloucester in the end because she was on her way back from my mum, so we triangulated at Gloucester.

• 25:27Speaker 00

  You triangulated at Gloucester.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  So I went.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  You should work for the RAF.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  At one point, I was driving the wrong way down the M5.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  I was never part of the equation. I worked out if I could have in quicker time driven from my mum's to Dumfries.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  But it took me to get home.

• 25:48Speaker 00

  So what time did you get home?

• 25:50Speaker 01

  I got home just after 10.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Having left when?

• 25:53Speaker 01

  We've got cookies, one of which I ate on the way because I was sad.

• 25:56Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  When did you leave?

• 25:57Speaker 01

  Four.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  Okay, it's a six-hourer.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  It's a six-hour.

• 26:01Speaker 00

  It's not great.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  It's not great, but then, you know, it's a good spiritual practice is what it is.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  What I loved, John.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Yes, Dave.

• 26:07Speaker 02

  What I absolutely loved, and it's the mark of the man, John Robbins in 2026.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  It's a six-hourer.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  Is halfway through the map.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  I wasn't hammered.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  Well, I love that.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Oh, my God, if you were drinking, can you imagine the mood it'd be?

• 26:20Speaker 01

  I'd have just pulled into like a pub that had rooms, I'd have said, I'd have texted Dave, I'm not coming in tomorrow, I'm doing the show from my car.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  You would have. No, what I loved was, mid-meltdown, he still took time to appreciate the area of natural beauty that he was in.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  Stow on the walls.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  It's gorgeous, it's on the way to Stow on the walls.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  Was it?

• 26:39Speaker 02

  I am.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  So Ellis, I've got you some lemon and sultana Welsh cakes.

• 26:44Speaker 00

  Oh, lovely.

• 26:45Speaker 01

  Dave, I've got you some hot sauce.

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks, John.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  I couldn't remember if any of our team were gluten-free, so I've got you some gluten-free tiffin, some honeycomb milk chocolate, some cookies, one of which I ate because I was sad, and some tea, which was for Michael, but he's not here and I would quite like it.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  I?

• 27:04Speaker 01

  That can stay here.

• 27:05Speaker 00

  Four hours of driving is my limit in a day.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Anything but under four I can do, anything over four, it feels like a real slog. A sixer, yeah, a sixer is, that's a big old day in the car.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, especially when you're driving to a traffic jam in Reading, driving from Reading to Gloucester, driving from Gloucester to home after having already driven to Bristol. Would look mad on a map.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, so how much driving did you do in total?

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Eight hours. Well, that's including a sort of hasty sort of discussion with someone who worked in a late-closing post office and a very kind lady at every drop-off point.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  So that's where we are.

• 27:50Speaker 00

  That's okay.

• 27:50Speaker 01

  But, you know.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  Did your back go?

• 27:53Speaker 01

  Yes, but in quite an amusing way.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, really?

• 27:58Speaker 00

  I love it when my back goes.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  Usually, it's just like lower back pain and I'm thinking, I'll get sciatica and I won't be able to sleep. It was more like my entire back seized up, so it was like one enormous ache.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:10Speaker 01

  But I think that was probably hunching from stress.

• 28:11Speaker 00

  Does sound amusing.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  It was interesting.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  My back went this week as well.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Did it, Dave?

• 28:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, but mine's from throwing children in swimming pools.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  Oh, John.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  So there we are.

• 28:23Speaker 00

  The sixer, a sixer's a sixer. What did you eat, what do you have for your tea?

• 28:29Speaker 01

  An egg sandwich.

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Oh, a sixer and an egg sandwich and a cookie.

• 28:33Speaker 01

  Also, you know, I'm a huge fan of Teabay, huge fan of Gloucester Services, that was a highlight. I will say, one area in which they struggle is like fresh sandwich selection to just grab and go.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  It's not a grab-and-go services.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  It's not.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  And so.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  It's brilliant if you wanna buy sausages for your mother-in-law.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you want fish and chips, if you want sit-down fish and chips, or you want a seven-pound bag of truffle crisps, a ham hock.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  And a sort of an artisan cruffin.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  In that, in that.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  It's perfect.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  In that regard, it actually fails as a services, I think.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Well, the sandwich selection is quite poor. I, I had prawns on the mind, okay?

• 29:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, you always do.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  It was a long day.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  You always do, John.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  But they stopped short of prawns. Anyway, that's me.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Oh, John, well, fair play. You sounded quite, I mean, amidst the swearing and the slander and the libel.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  The content.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  Bit of content, you sounded quite chipper.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  What were you, what tunes are you listening to?

• 29:40Speaker 01

  I was listening to a meditation podcast.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  Okay, and that made things worse?

• 29:43Speaker 01

  And I listened to an episode of Three Bean Salad where they tried six different melons.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  The only is, I hate melon, but I love to listen to them. Yeah, I think melon is rubbish.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Whoa, that's one of my favourite fruits. No, one of my favs.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Oh, just makes me, it's just drab.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 30:04Speaker 01

  It tastes like old water. It's drab and weak squash. Though one of the melons they tried, I did think, oh, maybe I might like that.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  And so disappointing, you can often get bad melons, as Henry Packer found to his cost.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can get bad melons. What's, what's, what, what happens in the meditation podcast? Are they meditating or are they talking about?

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Falls asleep and crushes the car.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was gonna say, you've got to be careful.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  It's a really good, really good meditation podcast. Anyone interested in having some kind of daily practice. It's 11, 10, 11 minute podcast with Brother Richard.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  Oh, let me scribble this down. 11 minutes is my wheelhouse at the minute.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  Every day is a different sort of theme. It's a guided meditation. He is of, um, he's a monk. It's of a religious order, but it's very much like he's, he's not doing it to any specific religion. It's more a sort of general.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  What's it called?

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Spirituality. It is called, um, The Daily Meditation with Brother Richard. And I listened to Where Do My Thoughts Come From? And Returning to Inner Stillness as I navigated a closed mile of the A40.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Driving back from Leeds once, where everything was closed. Is it, was it from Leeds where you think, okay, I'll take the M42 and that's closed? And you're like, well, there's, what are the options? I remember screaming in my car, just doing a big, long, loud scream.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Do you know what? The thing I needed, which will happen within years, I think, was a drone.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  I needed the post office or the every place to go, we have drones. They're a hundred quid or whatever, 200 quid. Put your postcode you're sending it to in the drone. It'll, it'll send a code. The drone will arrive at their front door. They put in the code, it drops off the package. That is gonna happen.

• 32:01Speaker 00

  The drone then explodes.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  The drone then explodes.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Out of curiosity, not that you're probably gonna have an answer to this, why did you put your sister's phone in your pocket? How, what happened there?

• 32:14Speaker 01

  Well.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  Does it look like your phone?

• 32:19Speaker 01

  I, I don't, I cannot answer that question.

• 32:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  It's either I had a sudden act of madness, I got haunted by a ghost, or the lovely picnic was so traumatic, I just blocked big sections of it out. I can't remember why I picked up my sister's phone. But I mean, two phones back down, because her phone's white.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  I also did.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  Mine's black, but back down, screen off. I must have just seen it on a table and thought, oh, I don't know if you want my phone.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, my phone looks different. That's good. Well, it's got a white cover. Yeah. Who's done that to my phone? Oh.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  But, you know.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  It's just that, that's the concern for me. I, I don't know.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  But there is a clarity to it in that this is your fault.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  How would you want someone else to deal with this problem?

• 33:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Answer, get your phone back as quickly as possible. My sister was actually very chilled about like, oh, I'm in all day tomorrow, if you want, if you can get it to be tomorrow.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  Oh, so.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  And that makes me think, God, I wouldn't be able to be without my phone all evening. I would explode.

• 33:20Speaker 00

  Unbearable. But, um, go on, Alice. But it's one of those lovely laughs that's gonna become part of family folklore. Well, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a huge deal. But in the moment, it feels absolutely all encompassing.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  I mean, if I'd had kids at home that I was picking up from a babysitter.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  Or kids in the car.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  Or kids in the car, being sick all over me and weeing themselves. If I'd had that, I know, it does.

• 33:44Speaker 00

  Kids in the car, on your own.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  If I'd had a puncture near Stow on the Wall. I mean, it could always be worse. My arms had burst.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  If my eye had gone wonky or my hair had fallen out.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Or a rash on your todja.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  Or a what?

• 33:59Speaker 00

  A rash on your todja.

• 34:00Speaker 01

  Or another rash on my todja. I saw one guy just parked up in the road next to the closure, doing a whittle in the middle of the road, which I thought was odd. And then his number plate fell off.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  At least I'm not that guy.

• 34:14Speaker 00

  He is an exhibitionist.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  It's just in the middle of a country road, doing a whittle behind his car. And then he went around the front and picked up his number plate off.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  Frank Spencer.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 34:27Speaker 00

  But, yeah, well, yeah, he's had a bad day, hasn't he?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:38Speaker 05

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• 35:11Speaker 01

  Right, uh, let's read some of your fantastic correspondence.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  Right then. Novels with titles in their opening sentence. Something I got heavily criticised for last week.

• 35:22Speaker 02

  Tell you what, I listened back to The Made Up Game. That bit, the novels and the titles bit of Tuesday's made up game.

• 35:31Speaker 00

  Molly couldn't help but notice the handsome commuter's smile on the 502 from Faversham.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Always good to get the title of the book in the first sentence. James Joyce, Ulysses. Ulysses walks down the stairs.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Just so everyone goes, oh, that's the book I'm reading. Yeah, I forgot. I forgot the title.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  It also, it also feels like we're staring down the barrel of a full stop already at the end.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  The couple were having sex in the paint shop. Just their luck to be having sex near the Fifty Shades of Grey.

• 36:10Speaker 00

  My goodness, man. Well, shall I take you through my influences?

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Yes, please. This is from Joe.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Good evening from far too sunny Spain. Read The Made Up Game and the 1702 to Faversham controversy and in defence of Ellis. Ellis is not the first literary giant to include the title of their magnum opus in its opening sentence. Far from it. I knew this. Many of the world's greatest pensmiths have sought to remind readers of the book they are reading from the off, many in the very first word. Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. Mrs Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. Emma by Jane Austen.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  A lot of them are names.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever and rich with a comfortable home and happy disposition seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence. Elma Gantry by Sinclair Lewis.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Never heard of it.

• 37:02Speaker 00

  Elma Gantry was drunk.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  Heard of that.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  There's, uh, there's a, there was a psychedelic band in the late sixties called, uh, Elma Gantry's Velvet Opera.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Really?

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Made a great record here in about 1968 and was re-released last year. Pedro Paramo by Juan Ruffo. I came to Carmel because I'd been told that my father, a man named Pedro Paramo, lived there.

• 37:23Speaker 01

  Never heard of it.

• 37:24Speaker 00

  Herzog by Saul Bellow, which I read last year. So it was one of my influences. If I am out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  It's not even his full name.

• 37:37Speaker 00

  Right then, here we go then. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. Squire Trelawney, Dr Livesy and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particular is about Treasure Island.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  From the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Fine, that, that one's all right.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  By Anne Patschett. The first time my father brought Andrea to the Dutch house, Sandy, our housekeeper, came to my sister's room and told us to come downstairs. And, uh, The Hobbit by J R Tolkien. In a hole in the ground, there lived a rabbit, a rabbit, a hobbit.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's not the title, is it? The title's The Hobbit.

• 38:12Speaker 00

  Oh, come on, give him it. Spitting hairs there. Uh, I expect to hear Johnny J R Robbins' apologies forthwith to Ellis and to his extremely well-read audience members. Regards, Joe. That felt good.

• 38:25Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. Well done. You're a literary genius.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Ellis won the game, didn't he?

• 38:31Speaker 00

  Ellis did win the game. Yeah, a pensmith.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Well, you, you were both very good.

• 38:37Speaker 01

  We do have a PCD CBE.

• 38:41Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  Hello, lads. You asked whether you have any knights or dames of the realms who listen to the show. Well, not the lofty heights of a CCB, KBE or DBE. I don't think you've ever heard of a DBE.

• 38:53Speaker 00

  No, what is a DBE?

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Dude of the British Empire. I am pleased to confirm that you not only have a listener with a CBE, the next one up from an OBE, sorry, Richard, but a fully fledged retro one, a DWD attending PCD CBE. And that's me.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  You get CBEs at DWD, Dave. How's that make you feel?

• 39:14Speaker 02

  It's, well, you know, yeah, it's, it's higher echelon stuff at all my friends these days, as we know.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  Dave, a lot of prime ministers, not all, because we've had a few recently, with their ups and downs, but a lot of prime ministers do get the Order of the Garter.

• 39:28Speaker 00

  Oh, do they?

• 39:28Speaker 01

  That's the highest, uh, award in the land.

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 39:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  What does that get you?

• 39:35Speaker 01

  There's own, I think only 12 people at any one time can have it. Blair.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  Blair's got it.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  Blair's got it. Major.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  I think Brown.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Is it what? So is it just prime ministers that have the Order of the Garter?

• 39:48Speaker 01

  No, let's, let's find out.

• 39:50Speaker 00

  Hold on. So you get kicked out if someone comes in? One in, one out? Surely they wait, is it like the Supreme Court? They're gonna wait for you to die?

• 39:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 00

  Okay, that makes more sense. Well, as John Googles the Order of the Garter, uh, I was awarded a CBE in the New Year's Honours last year and was presented it in Windsor by Princess Anne. John asked Richard what it's like on the day you get your honour and whether you hang out in groups with the same honour as you. This absolutely does happen. At Windsor, there're one of these beautiful grand rooms with people with the same honour as you. So all the MBs are chilling together, all the OBs are chilling together. Yeah. If you're one of the top honours, which I was, you get your honour first. So you're in the grandest of all the rooms with the knights and the dames.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Do you think you get free food and drink?

• 40:33Speaker 00

  I reckon the food's excellent, yeah. Izzy, what was it she'd done?

• 40:39Speaker 00

  She's like a patron of the Duke of Edinburgh Ward or something. And she went to, I think, Buckingham Palace and.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Good spread.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  Good spread, good spread. It's like a really good barbecue.

• 40:49Speaker 02

  A couple of pieces, a couple of slices of Domino's.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but, but sort of limitless. Yeah, unlimited, unlimited Domino's. If they're like me, you're almost late to the event because your mad dad's parking the car outside the castle and taking ages to change out of his driving shoes into his smart royal ready shiny ones. You have the weird experience of being rushed through all the rooms of O B's and M B's by royal escorts and straight to the room of big cheeses at the front. People were definitely watching us rushing by and working out whether we were famous. But sadly, no, we're not the Beckhams. The whole day was wonderful, but a totally bizarre experience. And yes, there are huge celebrities there who are just as nervous as the rest of us. I can also confirm that there aren't many weird privileges to having an honour.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  I haven't driven any pigs through London, but my husband and I are considering whether we should get a divorce so we can remarry at St Paul's. What do you reckon? Best wishes, Alice C B E from Matlock. I went to the same school as Izzy.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  Oh, cool.

• 41:44Speaker 01

  So the most noble order of the Garter is a British order of chivalry. It's the world's oldest national order of knighthood.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  Isn't a Garter like a sexy sort of thing you wear on a wit?

• 41:54Speaker 01

  No, it's like what you would wear at scouts.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it's also a sexy leg thing.

• 41:57Speaker 00

  Sexy, is that where you get a sexy leg thing?

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a sexy leg thing, isn't it?

• 42:02Speaker 00

  Brown's got a sexy leg thing.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  So Brown isn't Order of the Garter. It's the pinnacle of the British honour system and is only below the Victoria Cross and the George Cross.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  It's not, membership is extremely limited, consisting of the sovereign, Prince of Wales. Then there's some like other kings and queens of Europe. And then it has not more than 24 full members known as companions.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Wow, wow, exclusive stuff.

• 42:29Speaker 00

  Sounds dodgy, isn't it?

• 42:30Speaker 01

  So it's major.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  It's a sex thing.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  It's Blair, it's some chief justices. It's also Lloyd Webber.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  Lloyd Webber's in.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:40Speaker 00

  Lloyd Webber's got one.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  Chris Patton.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  Packham?

• 42:44Speaker 01

  Patton.

• 42:47Speaker 00

  Who is governor of Hong Kong.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. But the 24th place is currently vacant.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  Is it flip? Flipping act.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Am I going straight to the top? Am I skipping the M B E? The services to content.

• 43:02Speaker 02

  You are chivalrous.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  If you get, if you get the sexiest honour, the Order of the Garter, I will give a grand to Parkinson's UK.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  So there we go.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  No, I will as well.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Okay. And that's very generous. I think we might need more of a campaign than that.

• 43:21Speaker 00

  Well, that's as much as I'm willing to do.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 43:23Speaker 02

  I'll, I'll send an email.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  It would be mad if I was Order of the Garter with Blair and Major.

• 43:28Speaker 00

  It would be the fun, we'd have to end the show, I think. That was, well, that would be, that would be the final broadcast.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  I was thinking the other day, how mad is this? Would we be able to continue the show if I became Prime Minister?

• 43:41Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  Well, I think it would be like Call Clegg. But I would have to probably watch my tone.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  It's a big chunk out of the working week.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  A lot of scrutiny.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Big bump in numbers.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  Big bump in numbers, but I think, you know.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Reddit would be even worse.

• 43:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  Reddit would be a bin fire.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  Thank God we're no, no longer on live radio with the texts and tweets.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  Oh, you say that, but.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  That would be unmanageable.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  No, but the Prime Minister, his own show on Five Live, I mean, that's huge for Five Live.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  It would be a massive coup.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  It's huge, yeah.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  It's very Burnham.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  It is a bit Burnham.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  It's a bit of Burnham.

• 44:19Speaker 02

  It's a bit of Burnham, boy. Um, yeah.

• 44:22Speaker 00

  So how does John become P M?

• 44:25Speaker 01

  Well, first I've got to stand in a by-election. Am I going to Clacton? I still, I reckon I might stand a chance.

• 44:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, Binface got 9,000 votes in the end.

• 44:37Speaker 01

  Oh, has it happened?

• 44:37Speaker 00

  It's happened, yeah.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  When did it happen?

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Last night, whilst you were in your car.

• 44:41Speaker 01

  Bums.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Well, you were hoping to enter.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Well, I sort of wanted him to win.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:46Speaker 01

  Well, I, yeah.

• 44:47Speaker 02

  We are in an, are we in an election campaign now? I can't remember.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  I think it's okay to.

• 44:53Speaker 02

  Want a bin to win.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  To want a bin to win, isn't it?

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think it's okay.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  Certainly better than the other bin, Dave. Two bins probably. One's, one's full of rubbish and the other one's a bin.

• 45:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's good.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  There you go, there you go. That's the, that's the line.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  That's the line.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Because you could be talking about either of the bins there as well.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  Which is nice.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  He didn't even turn up.

• 45:14Speaker 02

  Well, the bin didn't.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  No, from the garage.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  Well, he didn't want his photo taken with a bin and, and a load of other sort of daft candidates. Because it would just become a meme.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  God, I'm out of touch. Um, right, everyone. Um, what else have we got then?

• 45:33Speaker 02

  So we have.

• 45:35Speaker 00

  Can I have a Welsh kicker?

• 45:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, Dave, when are the team going to open their presents? I've given them so I can have some of them all.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  You've already had one of the cookies.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  I was sad in my car.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  You can have whatever you want. Have Michael's tea that he'll never know about.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  The team have to have it first. So team, come and have some presents.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  Zoff, do you want some presents?

• 45:52Speaker 00

  Can I have some of the honeycomb chocolate, please?

• 45:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course you can.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  Have whatever you want.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  Oh, this looks nice.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Do you eat Welsh cakes just on their own?

• 46:00Speaker 02

  Jenny, do you want?

• 46:00Speaker 01

  Would you put butter on them in an ideal world?

• 46:02Speaker 02

  Do you want anything, Jenny?

• 46:04Speaker 00

  I just cane them.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Have a sad cookie.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Like.

• 46:07Speaker 02

  We've been through this.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  There are lots of different flavours. Also Gloucester Services has got lots of Welsh stuff because it's near the border.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  Oh, yes. This is when you went for your big cycle, wasn't it? After six Welsh cakes.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Oh, no, you go for it. It's all going to get opened.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  My mother makes Welsh cakes for the people in my street.

• 46:24Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  Whenever she comes to visit. And I love it. I don't give them to the people in my street. I cane them on my own.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  He's a caner. Caner of the year, Elis James.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  So Dave, what, what were we talking about? We're talking about our fun.

• 46:41Speaker 02

  We're talking about the fun we have and the fun we had because in exciting news just yesterday.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ring fest.

• 46:51Speaker 02

  On August the 13th, we released our next adventure. Episode five of Adventures of Ellis and John was released. It is bloody good.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Great. I mean, there are aspects of the edit that I would change.

• 47:03Speaker 02

  That's down to your performance, though, isn't it?

• 47:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course, I would whitewash it. They would, some of the mistakes I made would be edited out of history forever. I'm a revisionist, Dave.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  You are.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  You're Lance Armstrong.

• 47:18Speaker 00

  I'm Stalin.

• 47:19Speaker 02

  It's, it's, it's very good. If we do set ourselves, because it's been edited amazingly by Gareth.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  Incredible work.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  A lot of fun was had on the day as well, which has been captured brilliantly. So it is Ellis and John retaking their driving tests. It's the one a lot of people have been waiting for. Should have a little listen to the highlights.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  Is it true to say a lot of people have been waiting for it?

• 47:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course, because on this podcast, you two have talked so much about your driving prowess.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  Shiver me timbers.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Is that good?

• 47:45Speaker 00

  What the hell is that?

• 47:47Speaker 02

  It's chocolate, isn't it?

• 47:48Speaker 00

  It's.

• 47:49Speaker 02

  Is it good?

• 47:50Speaker 00

  It's a, it's, I've, I'm examining myself.

• 47:53Speaker 02

  What does that, what does that mean?

• 47:57Speaker 00

  What the, oh my God.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Is it new sensations?

• 47:59Speaker 00

  It's a new sensation, honeycomb milk chocolate.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Okay, well, you've got two minutes to examine yourself because that's all on the montages. Is that okay?

• 48:05Speaker 00

  It's all I need.

• 48:06Speaker 02

  Okay, well, Ellis is going to examine himself. Let's have a listen to the fun that was had on our latest adventure with Ellis and John.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  Driving is like a marriage, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death us do part. Today, Ellis and I renew our vows.

• 48:26Speaker 02

  Welcome to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 48:30Speaker 00

  If you're driving at 70 miles an hour on the motorway, what distance do you need to be behind the vehicle in front?

• 48:38Speaker 01

  Give me metres, please, Ellis.

• 48:39Speaker 00

  20 metres.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 48:41Speaker 02

  20 metres.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  Jesus Christ.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  John is letting you know where near his speed.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  I'm wondering whether Ellis should drive any car.

• 48:52Speaker 02

  So the rules of the eyesight challenge are very simple. They'll have three seconds to observe the plate, write down what they think the correct answer is on their pad and show it to Gareth, the director.

• 49:03Speaker 01

  Ah, he's got to come forward one step at a time now.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  The reactor comes back in the game, guys.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  Ah, I thought that might be it.

• 49:15Speaker 00

  I always tell all my pupils, I've taught over 10,000 people in my career. I have a feeling you're both going down today.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  It's just to warn you that you're speeding, Ellis. I am chock full of adrenaline.

• 49:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, me too. It's absolutely horrible.

• 49:38Speaker 00

  As long as Gaz felt safe, I think I can leave with my head. Held high and John, I'd like to burn to death.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  You're driving towards this left-hand bend. What danger should you be anticipating? Idiots, thickos, danger heads, the unwell, spiders, a monster, maybe? Big pothole, sudden bout of depression.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  Oh, there is one of the major that you had, Ellis. You kept taking your hands off the steering wheel.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  I didn't know they put my hands in my lap when the car was stationary. I wasn't driving along like that. I wasn't like a rough kid on a BMX.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  That's good stuff. That's worth it.

• 50:19Speaker 02

  That's worth it, isn't it?

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  Oh, the fun.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  It wasn't right, love. It was very hot.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  It was a hot day. It was hot. John saying he wants to burn you to death was one of the funniest.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Ellis said that, I didn't say that.

• 50:34Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry, Ellis saying it about John was very, very funny.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  I don't want to burn Ellis, I want to drown him.

• 50:38Speaker 00

  I, um, I was in the park. I'm in a kick boat with the kids last night and a guy called Adam, who was walking his dog Alan.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  Great.

• 50:52Speaker 00

  I saw, I saw him in the park the day before doing the eclipse. I heard him shout, calling Alan after his dog. Very funny. But he said, um, it had already dropped like an hour before. He said, I've already watched it, loved it.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  You're kidding.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Yeah. So hello, Adam, if you're listening to the ring fenced section. Alan, hello to Adam, very well behaved dog.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can head to patreon.com slash Ellis and John.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  We are all emotional, John. It took a lot out of us, that episode.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  And also there's unfiltered footage of my theory test.

• 51:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Which is also very amusing. And that's just what I was going to say for free. It's not, you pay for it.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  No, but that is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?

• 51:30Speaker 01

  It's the tip of the iceberg.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  Tip of the content iceberg over there at Patreon. Also on our socials at Ellis and John, you can win at the minute. The red, the Todgers Reg Plate, the commemorative Todgers Reg Plate.

• 51:42Speaker 00

  Doesn't sound like a prize.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  It's currently just signed by Ellis.

• 51:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll sign it now, Ellis. Get the Todgers sign.

• 51:48Speaker 00

  So is there a Sharpie?

• 51:49Speaker 01

  And I'll do my new signature.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  Oh, he's got a new signature. Of course he can do his new signature. This is rare then, isn't it?

• 51:54Speaker 01

  Yes, very rare. There's only about 2,000 or 4,000 copies of Thirst with this signature.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course. We're just going to get a black Sharpie so it matches the, the Elis James Sharpie.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Where shall I sign it?

• 52:08Speaker 02

  There. You're going to go in between the G and the three?

• 52:11Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 52:11Speaker 02

  Okay, great. Thanks, Jenny.

• 52:13Speaker 01

  Thank you, Jenny.

• 52:14Speaker 02

  God, look at this. Let me, let me capture the moment John signs it. This is like, this is huge.

• 52:19Speaker 01

  Is it huge?

• 52:20Speaker 02

  I don't know. I'm gonna, I've just got a picture of you though signing. It's gonna, you've got to practise first.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  There we go. That's good. That was a good one.

• 52:30Speaker 02

  There we goes. Signed, uh, so if you head to the socials at Ellis and John, um, there is a way of winning via the, um, the trailer that went up just yesterday on the 13th of August. If you comment Todgers, you're in with a chance.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  Your photo day.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll get a photo, yeah. I'll get a photo of you with your Todgers.

• 52:50Speaker 02

  There we go. Head to Instagram, there's a, the trailer is amazing as well, which is.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  It is a masterpiece, the trailer.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  The trailer is, is great.

• 52:58Speaker 02

  And that's where the details are as to how you can win. What's, let's face it, is probably the biggest prize in podcast history. A cardboard number plate.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  A cardboard number plate saying Todgers.

• 53:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. Good stuff. Patreon.com slash Ellis and John.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  Thirst is still available from all good bookshops. And you can listen to it on Audible and Spotify. And, uh, it'll be available on American Amazon in time for Christmas.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  And I'm about.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  Ellis is about.

• 53:26Speaker 00

  I'm just, I'm just as my brand, because I've finished the Welsh language gigs now. But I'm about.

• 53:30Speaker 02

  He's about, he's available.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  He's knocking around.

• 53:32Speaker 02

  He is available.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  He might be in a park looking at the eclipse.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, also just to say thank you to the, to our Patreon subscribers who are already there.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you so much.

• 53:43Speaker 00

  It's good to have you there.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  It's good to have you.

• 53:52Speaker 00

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone and including dental, vision and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage HMO and PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  This is from Ifan Bifan? Well, Ifan, brackets, Bifan.

• 54:32Speaker 00

  Ivan.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  Ivan, sorry.

• 54:34Speaker 00

  Ivan Bevan was a, uh, series of children's books that I read in Welsh language as a little kid. And there was, I think it was initially, um, written by a Swedish or Scandinavian author. There was an English version called Alfie Atkins, I think. But Ivan Bevan was very, very popular.

• 54:55Speaker 01

  Uh, well, Ivan says, well, well, well.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  I've got five minutes on Ivan Bevan.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 54:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:00Speaker 02

  Really? What, in your current set?

• 55:01Speaker 00

  Five, not the English language set, but in the Welsh set, there's five of my best minutes are about Ivan Bevan.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  And everyone gets it.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  People love it, Dave.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Yes, Ivan is emailing about your, one of your gigs at the London Welsh Centre. My friend and I have just arrived home after Ellis's triumphant Welsh speaking stand-up in London. I've never been there before. And when I saw it advertised on Instagram via the CEO of LWC, Kerry Wynn, I knew I had to overpack my bag with boxer shorts and head to the big smoke. Now, when I go to a gig, I wear something that represents that gig. Radiohead, a Radiohead t-shirt. Super Furry Animals, Super Furry Animals t-shirt. Elis James, Agent School Predatory Range t-shirt.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  Yes, we had a chat after the show. He was front row. I was absolutely staggered when I saw it.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  To cut a long story short, both Carol and Ellis were magnificent.

• 55:51Speaker 00

  That's my friend Carol Burke, who supports me on tour. She does gigs in English as well and she is excellent, Carol. She's very, very funny.

• 55:58Speaker 01

  The timing and topics were on point and had us belly laughing. Was Ellis nervous? Possibly. Did it show? Absolutely not. Well done, boy. We were also fortunate to have a quick chat with both Carol and Elis after the show, where Ellis has commented about me and my friend being brothers. We're not.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, they just look identical.

• 56:15Speaker 01

  And politely about the shirt, to which I responded, sorry, Matt, as I looked like a fanboy. Ah, right. However, upon reflecting, there was nothing to be ashamed of. I'll proudly wear this shirt across England and Wales as a symbol of pride and to educate those who are not yet aware of the terrific trio Ellis, John and Dave. Best of luck for the Iced Ford.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  That's Ivan Bevan. Did you get the English version? Did you ever read those?

• 56:36Speaker 01

  I recognise the, because it looks like the Mu Min drawings.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  Yes, that book's called What's Bothering Ivan Bevan?

• 56:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, fine.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  Bit's in pointy Ivan Bevan by Gunilla Bergstrom.

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Uh, Dave, people have sent in questions for us to ask, to ask us.

• 56:52Speaker 02

  Oh, great. Well, this is good news because.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  We haven't done Ask Us Anything for a while. How are you, how have you been fingering that chocolate for so long and not eaten it?

• 56:59Speaker 02

  Because I'm on air.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  But that's not possible.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  Because I, otherwise I'm just chomping into the microphone. I can't, I, I will not do that. I'll wait for another montage or something.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  Alfie Atkins slash Ivan Bevan welcomes you to Stockholm, Mayport.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  Does he?

• 57:13Speaker 00

  Makes us set to propel us.

• 57:14Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, he gets around, doesn't he? Uh, we've got a new animation. So if you are watching this, you'll see a new from Rory and Parvin, who are the two, who are the duo who do our amazing feature animations.

• 57:25Speaker 01

  And you can watch this on YouTube.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  You can watch the highlight, if this is a highlight on YouTube.

• 57:31Speaker 01

  You can't, might not be able to watch this on YouTube. Who knows? There is, there's highlights on YouTube.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  This will definitely be in the cinematic universe, of course.

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Oh, it's in the cinematic universe, Dave.

• 57:40Speaker 02

  Uh, so let's have an Ask Us Anything.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  Dave, ask me anything.

• 58:20Speaker 00

  See, I've done the chocolate now, but there wasn't enough time. This is why I was unwilling to eat the chocolate. Just give me a second.

• 58:29Speaker 02

  Okay. Hello, you two sexy bananas. Longtime listener, first time emailing. As a proud Welsh— You know, it's got stuck in my throat, John.

• 58:40Speaker 01

  You are an amateur chocolate eater.

• 58:43Speaker 02

  But chocolate gets there, doesn't it, if it hits it? Oh, it's good stuff, though. As a proud Welshman, I was interested to get Ellis's opinion on Fym and Sam. It's such an under-the-radar piece of Welsh popular culture. Why don't people from Wales shout more about Simon Fam— Fym and Sam?

• 59:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:02Speaker 02

  All the best, Joe in Coventry.

• 59:03Speaker 00

  Fun fact. It was originally in Welsh and it was translated into English and it was sold all around the world. And it made S4C a lot of money. See, also Super Ted, which was originally a Welsh language.

• 59:15Speaker 02

  Was that Welsh?

• 59:15Speaker 00

  It was S4C's first big hit.

• 59:17Speaker 02

  Oh, Super Ted was sensational.

• 59:19Speaker 00

  In about 1982.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:21Speaker 00

  And then it got translated into English and it made S4C a fortune. Because, you know, the licensing and like I had a Super Ted teddy and all that kind of stuff. And there was, you know, lunchboxes and things.

• 59:31Speaker 02

  What was his side key? Was it Spot? It wasn't Spot.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Spotty man. Smotting it was in Welsh, but yeah.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  What's Super Ted in Welsh?

• 59:37Speaker 00

  He was called Super Ted, I think. But, um, yeah. And Fym and Sam, Pontypundy, of course. Naughty Norman Price.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  I'm struggling to find anywhere to stay in 10B. I'll tell you that for nothing.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  Is that where Fym and Sam was?

• 59:52Speaker 01

  I am late to the August rush.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, it's so popular at 10B.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  Do you want to stay in town itself?

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  Currently, the only selection of places available to stay in Pembrokeshire in August are what look like spare rooms in old people's homes. Static caravans with no bathroom. Or something between a hut and a shed.

• 1:00:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  And that's not Wales's fault. That's my fault.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  Pembrokeshire is so popular. And also the weather.

• 1:00:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  So you've got those amazing beaches, but, you know, almost guaranteed warm weather, which is very, very rare.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  It is the first time I've ever seen a listing on Airbnb saying bathroom zero.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  So what are you expected to do then? Were you expected to do your business?

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  I think—

• 1:00:46Speaker 00

  Like in a multi-story car park?

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  I think there's a toilet in the sort of main caravan hub.

• 1:00:52Speaker 00

  Oh, that's not ideal.

• 1:00:54Speaker 01

  It's not ideal, but—

• 1:00:57Speaker 02

  So you're going away, what, in this August, 2026? It's the 14th of August, John.

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  And it's not— that's also not very Robins.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  Well, Robins thought, I'll leave it to the last minute and get some deals. Turns out the deals are only on places with no toilets. Or places with those weird armchairs that have like a wooden— sort of wood and then very soft cushioning over the top that they have in old people's homes.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:27Speaker 01

  And some really, really bleak photographs. Like a toilet opposite the bed. That sort of thing. I'm really down to the last scraps, which you could only technically call a room.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  I used to know someone, and in Edinburgh, he would never book anywhere to stay until the night before. He was travelling with— on the old, I'm just going to get an amazing deal proviso. But I always—

• 1:01:52Speaker 01

  Don't work anymore.

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  I always thought that was far too risky.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  One of the places had no kitchen. Three beds, bathroom, no kitchen.

• 1:01:58Speaker 00

  And what is it? It can't be a house, then.

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  It's like a— it's like a floor of a house that probably has a kitchen somewhere else, but you're not allowed in it.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  Okay. The last-minute deal used to be huge when Cfax was knocking about.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  I remember there was— we had a week in summer holiday where mum and dad sat us down on the Sunday at about 3pm and said, right, so this week, you're going to meet your grandparents Monday. We've got you a bit of swimming on Tuesday and we'll just try and figure out what to do for the rest of the week. I went and played football in the side garden and we came back and went, scrub all that. We've found Marmaris for £99. We're going to Turkey tomorrow.

• 1:02:31Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:02:31Speaker 02

  And it was so exciting.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  That is exciting.

• 1:02:33Speaker 02

  Out of nowhere, you're suddenly going to Turkey.

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  You just had to wait for them to scroll through.

• 1:02:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  But the thing is—

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  It was very exciting.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  If you're under the age of 40, you won't know what Cfax is.

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  No, 35.

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  Give it 35.

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  I'd say Jenny's shaking her head.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  Zoff's got no idea.

• 1:02:50Speaker 02

  Oh, Cfax, man. Bamboozled.

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  Cfax was a sort of primitive internet on your telly that you couldn't control.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  For patient people.

• 1:02:59Speaker 00

  For the very patient football 302.

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  Next question, Dave.

• 1:03:04Speaker 02

  Okay, so that was from— sorry, that was from Joe in Coventry. Thank you, Joe. So what is the answer? Fym and Sam is fairly fine. He's all right.

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  I mean, I had all the videos. I was a big fan of— and Bella.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, maybe she's drifted these days because of so many new cartoons and stuff.

• 1:03:20Speaker 00

  I've got friends of mine who's getting big into it, yeah. It was Mal Popper wrote the theme tune.

• 1:03:25Speaker 02

  Okay, this one's from Toby. Dear, my scrumptious home-cooked sauces. As I was driving along the M54, I noticed a Kia Sportage with a missing back right window. Not open, just completely missing. It made me think, would John let that person drive the Sportage? So below, I've provided a list of people and circumstances. What I want to know is whether John would let this person drive the Sportage or not.

• 1:03:48Speaker 01

  Love it.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Okay, so here we go. A 20-year-old lorry driver.

• 1:03:56Speaker 01

  I don't think you can drive a lorry at 20.

• 1:03:58Speaker 00

  No, I don't think you can.

• 1:03:59Speaker 02

  Can you not?

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  Look into it, Dave.

• 1:04:02Speaker 00

  I would be quite surprised if you could. I mean, I don't think you can hire a car at 20, can you?

• 1:04:08Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 1:04:09Speaker 02

  You can drive a large goods vehicle or at 20 years old in the UK, provided you hold a full driving licence and have passed the initial driver certificate to professional competence qualification.

• 1:04:19Speaker 01

  Well, I would be looking— I would need to see a lot of documentation.

• 1:04:23Speaker 00

  But if they've passed the lorry driver's test—

• 1:04:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is what I'm thinking.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  I'd have to meet them.

• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  Okay. I'd let a 20-year-old lorry driver drive my car.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  If they can drive a lorry—

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  If they can drive a lorry, they can definitely drive a car.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  Can they drive an articulated lorry?

• 1:04:37Speaker 02

  I think that might be slightly— so age 20 on and over, you can apply for the standard category C entitlements.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't think I am letting a 20-year-old heavy goods vehicle. I don't— because I don't think you can drive a lorry lorry.

• 1:04:51Speaker 02

  So that's a no.

• 1:04:52Speaker 01

  That's a no.

• 1:04:52Speaker 02

  A BMW driver who doesn't indicate—

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  Not in a thousand lifetimes.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  There's some bizarre ones here.

• 1:05:01Speaker 02

  Someone who exclusively eats mushrooms.

• 1:05:05Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  That's a mad question. I mean— Fair enough. You could probably survive off it.

• 1:05:10Speaker 00

  I think that speaks to different issues.

• 1:05:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd need to know why.

• 1:05:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, so that's TBC. 21-year-old John.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  That's a good question, though.

• 1:05:21Speaker 01

  That's a great question.

• 1:05:22Speaker 02

  You happy with that?

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:05:25Speaker 02

  And finally, an 18-year-old Betty after she's passed her driving— after she's just passed her driving test.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  I would, if—

• 1:05:37Speaker 02

  You all right?

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  Yes, I would. Yes.

• 1:05:42Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  Just have to pass the old test.

• 1:05:46Speaker 01

  She's going to be extremely cautious.

• 1:05:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would hope so.

• 1:05:50Speaker 01

  She's very conscientious.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  Yes, that's true.

• 1:05:55Speaker 01

  Is she easily distracted, Ellis?

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  Well, she's 11, so—

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  Hard to say at this stage.

• 1:06:02Speaker 00

  Hard to say at this stage.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  I would say yes. I would, yeah.

• 1:06:07Speaker 00

  She's quite— she's good on the bike.

• 1:06:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  21-year-old Ellis.

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  Statistically, I should say no.

• 1:06:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  Ellis was in a sort of hippie phase then.

• 1:06:21Speaker 02

  Were you?

• 1:06:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:24Speaker 01

  Sort of had long, long— he was— I think if I let Ellis drive my Sportage at 21, he would sort of come back with the keys and not the car. He'd sort of not really know where it was.

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  Sorry, man.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, it would have been that vibe.

• 1:06:48Speaker 00

  Sorry, I don't know what's happened to that. I've got the keys. Does that make a difference? I've got the keys. Sorry, man.

• 1:06:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, he'd be very sorry, man.

• 1:06:55Speaker 02

  21-year-old Dave.

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  Not on your— I mean, not— breathalyse— breathalyse me second by second.

• 1:07:03Speaker 02

  You don't need to breathalyse me. I wasn't driving drunk.

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  The mouth swabs.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  No. But I had a couple of prangs around 21, so you're absolutely correct.

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  Also, I think your mates would have got in the back and be like getting you to do donuts and stuff.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  Well, you've already got the— I'd have already installed the JBLs on the back shelf.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, big time.

• 1:07:22Speaker 02

  I'd have redone your alloys to make them two inches bigger all the way around.

• 1:07:24Speaker 00

  That's so funny.

• 1:07:25Speaker 02

  And the neon light that opens as you open the door.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's a no.

• 1:07:29Speaker 02

  So it's a no for John. Okay.

• 1:07:30Speaker 00

  I was quite cautious because a couple of my mates had crashes quite early on. So that made me more cautious.

• 1:07:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Mine were another big ones. It was just, you know, when you look left, you look right, you look left, and you should really look right again. And then I start to edge out and a car at that point's come across the front. And I've just kind of gone into the side of it, very slow. But, you know, it's not great. My sister's car as well, she took it very well. I had to tell Vicky that night. You know the car that you lent me for the first time tonight?

• 1:07:57Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:07:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've just gone into the side of a Volvo.

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  I was parked up the other day in my car waiting for an appointment and a guy opened his car next to me and slammed his door into the side of mine. I just ignored it.

• 1:08:08Speaker 02

  Did it damage it?

• 1:08:09Speaker 01

  Don't know.

• 1:08:10Speaker 02

  That's—

• 1:08:11Speaker 01

  Just got to let it go.

• 1:08:12Speaker 02

  New. Would you let this go so that yesterday morning, I walked out into the driveway to get into my car, lease, and there is a keyed cross on the side?

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  No, I would not let that go. That is appalling.

• 1:08:26Speaker 02

  No idea. Look at this.

• 1:08:28Speaker 00

  Like a St George's flag, sort of.

• 1:08:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wondered whether it was some sort of— whether they were trying to say something. I was so— I was devastated.

• 1:08:36Speaker 01

  Or has Christ returned?

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  It's a chedle hew.

• 1:08:42Speaker 01

  And has chosen to tell us, fire a sign and a leased citron.

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  It appears, yeah.

• 1:08:49Speaker 01

  Oh, that is an absolute—

• 1:08:51Speaker 02

  But it's deliberate, isn't it? That's like a proper thick, like, deep scroll.

• 1:08:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:56Speaker 02

  Right across the side.

• 1:08:57Speaker 01

  Dave, has your ex-wife found out where you live?

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  I did wonder whether I'd wronged someone because it almost looks like— look at that.

• 1:09:05Speaker 01

  Have you got Ring door cameras?

• 1:09:07Speaker 02

  And do you know what happened?

• 1:09:08Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:09:08Speaker 02

  It's six days until the battery needed to be renewed and it stops recording on the sixth day out of seven. So 6pm that night, it stopped recording.

• 1:09:16Speaker 00

  No way.

• 1:09:17Speaker 02

  And it happened between 6pm and 8am the following morning.

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  Oh, mate.

• 1:09:21Speaker 02

  I could not believe it.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  What about neighbours?

• 1:09:24Speaker 02

  Maybe. I don't know.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  Ask the neighbours. Get on the WhatsApp group, Dave.

• 1:09:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I should, I should. Why have they done that?

• 1:09:29Speaker 02

  I don't know. I do not know.

• 1:09:31Speaker 00

  Dave, it's Jesus.

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  It's not— and that's not helping me.

• 1:09:35Speaker 00

  Jesus is in chedle hew.

• 1:09:36Speaker 02

  Well, Jesus can pay £2.50 to get it patched up then. Because that's going to cost me a fortune on the lease if I'm waiting to send that back.

• 1:09:43Speaker 01

  Dave, get on the WhatsApp group because we might get footage live during the show.

• 1:09:47Speaker 00

  Dave, there's a penis on your car as well, in dust.

• 1:09:49Speaker 02

  Is there? That's probably Hannah.

• 1:09:52Speaker 00

  Look, that's testicles and a penis.

• 1:09:54Speaker 01

  See, now if Jesus has done that, oh, they've, oh, that's a shame.

• 1:09:59Speaker 00

  Dave, they've done a cross.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  Maybe it's Jesus and the devil.

• 1:10:02Speaker 02

  Who did which?

• 1:10:04Speaker 01

  Well, Jesus came there first and the devil said, I'm not having that.

• 1:10:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  Have a C and B's.

• 1:10:08Speaker 00

  How did he miss the penis? They did.

• 1:10:11Speaker 02

  We'll get this on the carer.

• 1:10:12Speaker 00

  They've done, they've done the cross first with the key and then they've the flourish of, um.

• 1:10:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, they've shown their playful side.

• 1:10:18Speaker 00

  Two testicles and a chap.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  Right, well, let's leave it at that. Dave's gonna get on his WhatsApp group.

• 1:10:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's leave it at that.

• 1:10:26Speaker 01

  We're gonna have a lovely coffee and, um.

• 1:10:29Speaker 00

  I didn't notice the penis. I did not notice the penis.

• 1:10:32Speaker 01

  Good grief.

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  Oh, nightmare and also quite funny. So that's, that's actually put a pep in my step.

• 1:10:39Speaker 02

  Well done. Well done. Congrats. Someone's really done well.

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  We will see you on Saturday for the bureau and we will see you on Tuesday for the next podcast.

• 1:10:48Speaker 00

  Goodbye.

• 1:10:48Speaker 01

  Bye bye.

• 1:10:58Speaker 00

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone. And including dental, vision and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage, HMO and PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 1:11:30Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:11:36Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:11:41Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.