Pod Insights Elis James and John Robins #552 - Gloop, Love Bees and It’s Me Or The Lathe About this episode The heat’s great isn’t it. As John points out, it’s no longer twee and fun headlines, instead it’s “Phew You’re All Going To Die Quite Soon”. What japes! Luckily we’ve got the cool cucumber balm of content for those toasty ears.
And may we say, there’s some top notch correspondence today pertaining to love struck albums, lathes and crucial public health information on getting your bits checked every so often. After all it’s important to be health conscious.
Plus there’s a fabulously topical Shame Well and a hot gloopy Mad Dad to attend to.
If you’ve got anything to send on the topic of sexual health then [email protected] mailto:[email protected] is the destination.
And remember, if you’re in young love and want to express yourself, do keep those emotions in lockdown.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 12,302 words · 7 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Alice and John.
0:04 Speaker 01 If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...
0:10 Speaker 00 Miniumpicks.
0:11 Speaker 01 It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.
0:14 Speaker 00 Birdwatching.
0:15 Speaker 02 My two favourite things are birds and football.
0:18 Speaker 01 And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.
0:22 Speaker 03 So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Alice is there as well.
0:26 Speaker 02 Alice is there as well, Dave.
0:27 Speaker 03 We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.
0:32 Speaker 00 So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.
0:40 Speaker 04 I've got big news. I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh. Anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them. Everybody, listen up. Shh. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now. No trade-in needed. And the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us. Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for watch or iPad required. Additional terms apply for all offers.
1:10 Speaker 05 Hello, this is Susie Ruffel.
1:11 Speaker 06 And Maisie Adam.
1:12 Speaker 05 And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey Mais, what is it?
1:15 Speaker 06 Only the best podcast ever.
1:17 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:17 Speaker 06 A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.
1:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping, too.
1:29 Speaker 06 Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip. Chow down on the gossip.
1:32 Speaker 05 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy.
1:37 Speaker 06 Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.
2:03 Speaker 01 Phew, what a scorcher.
2:07 Speaker 01 Gone are the days, really, where that kind of crazy headline with knotted handkerchief photo atop a tabloid.
2:15 Speaker 00 Yes.
2:15 Speaker 01 Really cuts the mustard.
2:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, on Friday, Stoke was hotter than the Seychelles.
2:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's more, phew, you're all going to die quite soon.
2:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, the messaging's changed.
2:27 Speaker 01 This is bad news.
2:29 Speaker 03 Doesn't feel as quirky anymore, does it?
2:31 Speaker 01 No.
2:32 Speaker 03 It feels a bit heavier.
2:33 Speaker 01 I did see.
2:33 Speaker 00 An awful lot of Brits are going on package holidays to Portugal, whereas they'd be better off staying at home because it's actually hotter in Andover than it is in the Algarve.
2:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, sometimes the Independent do do those wrong headlines.
2:48 Speaker 00 No, no, that, no, because then I was on the news, on the telly.
2:51 Speaker 03 Yeah.
2:52 Speaker 01 Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
2:52 Speaker 03 You were the anchor.
2:53 Speaker 00 I was the anchor.
2:54 Speaker 01 It's not sort of.
2:55 Speaker 00 I was being Trevor McDonald, actually.
2:57 Speaker 01 It's gone from and finally to top story.
3:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
3:04 Speaker 01 Dave, could you turn me down just a touch, please? I'm getting a bit of verbal GBH of the old earol in me ears.
3:11 Speaker 00 You don't hear that anymore?
3:12 Speaker 01 You don't.
3:13 Speaker 00 I've not heard that for a long time.
3:15 Speaker 01 Nice thing to say playfully to a loved one.
3:17 Speaker 00 Yes.
3:18 Speaker 03 What's that? Verbal GBH?
3:20 Speaker 01 The old earol.
3:21 Speaker 00 Verbal GBH of the old earol.
3:22 Speaker 03 I've never heard that before.
3:24 Speaker 01 Well, imagine you get home from a long day's work and Hannah says, Dave didn't put out the recycling. Bloody hell, Hannah, I've been at work all day. Come on, get verbal GBH of bloody earol.
3:34 Speaker 03 Can I use that? She will love that.
3:36 Speaker 00 She'll love that.
3:37 Speaker 03 Oh, she will love it. Because do you know what Hannah's great in? The heat. Hannah just takes it with a pinch of salt and just cracks on.
3:44 Speaker 00 For Izzy.
3:45 Speaker 01 Well, salt actually raises the melting temperature of ice, Dave.
3:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
3:50 Speaker 01 So that's the last thing she wants to do.
3:52 Speaker 03 It is the last thing.
3:53 Speaker 00 If it's, it's, it's like with Izzy, that the temperature is 15 degrees hotter than it actually is.
3:58 Speaker 03 Yes.
3:58 Speaker 00 So this week, obviously, it's been extremely hot, but for her, it's like it was 55 degrees.
4:02 Speaker 03 I mean, it did, to be fair to the people that are taking it hard.
4:06 Speaker 01 Hello.
4:06 Speaker 03 It feels like 55, to be honest.
4:08 Speaker 00 Yeah, the humidity's horrendous. My kids have been off school all week.
4:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
4:13 Speaker 01 That's tricky.
4:14 Speaker 00 Because it's a new building, it was built less than 10 years ago and it's like a greenhouse.
4:19 Speaker 01 Oh, that's good. It's good that they think about those sorts of things. But glass is cheaper, isn't it? So just make all schools out of glass, probably.
4:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, it is. If it's 25 degrees, the school is unbearable.
4:33 Speaker 01 That feels an oversight.
4:34 Speaker 00 Yeah, but.
4:36 Speaker 01 Are they going to get aircon installed?
4:38 Speaker 00 Well, I mean.
4:39 Speaker 01 Because that's gonna have to happen.
4:40 Speaker 00 There was a lot of chatter about that in the parents WhatsApp group, but it would cost about a hundred grand.
4:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, but on the parents WhatsApp group, it's like, should we have a fete? I was like.
4:51 Speaker 01 Should we have a hundred fetes?
4:53 Speaker 00 Should we have a thousand fetes and only invite oligarchs?
4:58 Speaker 01 How much would you raise from the average fete?
5:01 Speaker 00 That's a good question. When I did the PTA quiz, I hosted the quiz for the year six leavers do. And I think we raised £1,400. So I just need to do another hundred of them.
5:12 Speaker 01 So you need to do 70 fetes?
5:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:14 Speaker 03 Oh, raise the ticket price.
5:16 Speaker 00 Yes, and again, just invite oil barons.
5:21 Speaker 01 It's very, I mean, obviously from what you're hearing, if you're listening in the future, we're currently in Heatageddon Heatwave. And yeah, it's horrible.
5:31 Speaker 00 Your house is pretty cool, isn't it? Is it cool enough?
5:35 Speaker 01 Well, firstly, it's cool because I live there.
5:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:37 Speaker 01 Secondly, it's cool because it's full of awards and Queen memorabilia.
5:40 Speaker 00 Cool.
5:41 Speaker 01 And thirdly, it's cool because I do have a portable air conditioner, for which my gratitude to all, all heads of different religions is unrelenting.
5:54 Speaker 00 Yes.
5:55 Speaker 03 Because they made the air conditioning unit.
5:57 Speaker 01 I don't know. I'm not gonna specify.
5:59 Speaker 00 It's in the Quran, isn't it?
6:00 Speaker 01 I'm not gonna specify.
6:01 Speaker 00 John's aircon unit.
6:02 Speaker 01 Who invented air conditioning?
6:04 Speaker 00 No.
6:05 Speaker 01 But I'm just gonna say for all religions. I'm not saying it was you. I'm not saying it was you. I'm just saying for all of you, whoever is responsible, they're so very grateful.
6:14 Speaker 00 I like to chat in my local coffee shop. They're really nice behind the counter, lovely staff. But it is hot in there.
6:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:22 Speaker 00 And they've got a big fan that's just blowing around really hot air. And I went in and I said, God, is it hot working in here all day? And the lady went, yes!
6:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
6:31 Speaker 00 I said, that was a stupid question.
6:34 Speaker 03 I did that this morning.
6:34 Speaker 00 I deserved that.
6:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, you did.
6:36 Speaker 03 So Kendall, who works in the cafe downstairs, I said, God, the last place you want to be today is in a blooming kitchen, isn't it? And Kendall's like, yeah.
6:42 Speaker 00 My job, Dave.
6:43 Speaker 03 Yeah, I was actually trying to be playful, but I understand that.
6:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:47 Speaker 01 Oh, huge. I was thinking on the way, in huge respect to anyone who can't adapt their workplace. I saw some guys digging up the road yesterday.
6:56 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:57 Speaker 01 And it's like, there is no shade.
6:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:59 Speaker 01 The shade is the van and you've got to get this job done.
7:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, one of my best mates from school is a gardener and he was texting me last night saying, there's just no shade in the garden I'm working at the moment. And it's very thick.
7:11 Speaker 01 I did actually say to my gardener yesterday, you know, if you want to take five minutes to yourself, that's fine.
7:18 Speaker 00 Five minutes.
7:20 Speaker 03 You're generous.
7:21 Speaker 00 Uh, you know what you should have said?
7:22 Speaker 01 I took him some iced water.
7:23 Speaker 00 Do you should have said, you should have said, listen, mate, if you want, if you want to go down the shop and buy yourself a drink, do, do, do that. I'm not going to buy you a drink because I'm thinking about tomorrow's show. So obviously I've got the time.
7:34 Speaker 01 I did offer him some of the best SPF available in the UK.
7:39 Speaker 00 But did you offer to apply?
7:41 Speaker 01 No, I would have, I would have, I would have like, if he had held out his hand, I would have squeezed, I would have squeezed it into the palm of his hand.
7:49 Speaker 00 And if he'd taken his top off and turned around and said back first, what would you have done then?
7:53 Speaker 01 I would have squeezed it on his back and used some of the foliage he'd cut back to sort of lather it in.
7:58 Speaker 00 Really? So you wouldn't have touched, you wouldn't have gone skin to skin, like you were trying to bond with a newborn baby?
8:04 Speaker 01 Gloves on.
8:05 Speaker 00 Why are you so, why, why don't you want to touch your gardener's skin?
8:10 Speaker 01 So obviously like my day really is temperature control from, actually not from waking, it starts the night before.
8:19 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah, yeah. And what do you mean by that?
8:21 Speaker 01 Well, I just implement all of my, um, sort of regimes and routines.
8:29 Speaker 00 Okay.
8:30 Speaker 01 So it's opening, as we've said many times before, opening the windows when the temperature outside lowers to below the temperature of the house.
8:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:39 Speaker 01 It's air conditioning in one room with the door closed. That's running pretty much constantly.
8:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:45 Speaker 01 Um, and I was able to get the ambient temperature of the house down by about five degrees in the bedroom. Um. But I tell you what, as soon as you turn it off.
8:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:54 Speaker 01 Like went up a degree in ten, ten minutes.
8:57 Speaker 00 Did it?
8:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy, but it just, it gets you off to sleep. And sometimes I will just lie on my bed in my pants and think, thank God for technology.
9:05 Speaker 03 Lila was lying on our bedroom floor at midnight last night. Just done with it.
9:10 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:11 Speaker 03 Knackered, but can't get to sleep.
9:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, my kids can't sleep. I can't sleep either.
9:15 Speaker 03 So Hannah's coming down because we've got some fun plans this weekend. Um. So my parents have just got three hot, tired children for two days.
9:22 Speaker 01 Do you, but do, do you guys not have an aircon from when you had like nursery? Like a nursery room?
9:29 Speaker 00 We've, we've bought one.
9:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:30 Speaker 03 We should have done. We never did.
9:32 Speaker 00 Bought it a couple of years ago and I don't, I only use it for a couple of weeks in the summer, but the thing is unbelievable. The impact it has is, I mean, it's expensive.
9:42 Speaker 03 Is it?
9:43 Speaker 01 What's expensive?
9:44 Speaker 00 The aircon unit on your electricity bills.
9:46 Speaker 01 Ah, it's actually not. I looked into this.
9:48 Speaker 00 Is it not?
9:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, it works out at about for twenty four hours of use, it works about four, four fifty.
9:56 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
9:56 Speaker 01 Um. Which, you know, is still an amount of money, but if you're using it in like sort of six hour bursts. Then five days for five quid. I mean, crikey Moses, what would you pay to have a cool room in your house, Dave?
10:09 Speaker 00 To a hundred pounds a day.
10:11 Speaker 01 There you go.
10:12 Speaker 03 So it's a lot.
10:13 Speaker 01 But you've got to buy them in winter. They're all sold out.
10:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's like buying sun lotion. Buy it in December, guys.
10:19 Speaker 01 Really? Is it cheaper?
10:20 Speaker 03 Nice. Shush. I imagine so.
10:22 Speaker 01 I'm not sure it is.
10:24 Speaker 00 It's gotta be.
10:26 Speaker 01 No, because I think supermarkets put on offers when you are after something because they're drawing you to that area of the shop.
10:33 Speaker 00 I went to a, I was walking, the last day the kids were in school, I was walking to the, I was walking them to school and realised I forgot to put sun cream on them. So I thought, okay, well, I've got to do that now, obviously. So I walked into my local shop. There's, there's quite a big sort of newsagent that sells lots of stuff. I said, have you got any sun cream? And he went, oh, I don't know. I thought, I can't be the only person.
10:57 Speaker 00 And he went, um, and then he got some like factor 15 and he had one, who was using factor 15?
11:06 Speaker 03 Well, people who maybe a little bit.
11:08 Speaker 01 Maybe people with darker skin.
11:09 Speaker 00 Oh, whack on the 15. I've done with it.
11:12 Speaker 03 No, some people with 15 would do the job.
11:14 Speaker 00 But he was like, oh yeah, right. You can have this. It was like, this is weird.
11:17 Speaker 01 The eighties, my mum had like factor four.
11:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, we had some factor two in the house.
11:22 Speaker 01 His bwin.
11:23 Speaker 00 Yes.
11:24 Speaker 01 And you'd put it on and it gives you four minutes protection.
11:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, it gives you 10 minutes of respite.
11:29 Speaker 01 Day, day on the beach.
11:30 Speaker 00 Yeah, we, I remember my, um, I remember in our medicine cabinet, we had some factor two. And I said, where did this come from? She said, oh, we're wearing it in Cyprus. You're a maniac.
11:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
11:41 Speaker 00 That's not enough.
11:43 Speaker 01 I've got, uh, I've got quite into ice lollies and I'm slightly worried that the, cause in the day you're, my appetite goes.
11:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, mine too. Yeah.
11:53 Speaker 01 But I'm constantly eating sort of cold sweets and kidding myself that, oh, this is good to keep your temperature down to have your sort of fourth ice lolly.
12:01 Speaker 00 And fourth twister today.
12:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think it was twisters actually.
12:04 Speaker 00 Yes, I saw someone eating a twister yesterday.
12:07 Speaker 01 And have you had the frozen, um, grapes that have got like sour coating?
12:12 Speaker 00 No.
12:12 Speaker 01 They're crazy. They're called fruit riot.
12:15 Speaker 00 Fruit riot. They're called fruit riot.
12:17 Speaker 01 Yeah. And it's frozen grapes with like a sort of warhead sour, um, coating. And you put them in your mouth and your face all screws up. And then you eat them and they're nice.
12:26 Speaker 00 Cool.
12:27 Speaker 01 So that's quite good fun.
12:28 Speaker 03 Sounds like a band on six music, Fruit Riot.
12:31 Speaker 00 Yes, it does.
12:31 Speaker 03 Someone that, you know, Radcliffe and McConie might play.
12:34 Speaker 01 But I do hope you're all, uh, doing okay. And, um, like I said, if you're not able to adapt to your workplace, um, my heart goes out to you. Cause I'm very grateful for having like an air conditioned train on the way in, even though I was stuck on it for half an hour.
12:49 Speaker 00 Well, I did Miranda Sawyer's. Podcast taught 90s to me.
12:53 Speaker 01 Oh, did you?
12:54 Speaker 00 I love Miranda Sawyer and I love that podcast to the extent that I actually asked to go on it, which I've never done before. I sent a message to her on Instagram and, "Come on, mate, I left the 90s, carry on." And even though the room we were doing it in was air conditioned, I still sweated so much somehow because I'd been hot all day that the socials, fingers crossed, would be unusable. Because I looked an absolute mess.
13:17 Speaker 01 So I had a real rosacea flare up brought on by the heat and I believe kefir.
13:24 Speaker 00 Okay.
13:25 Speaker 01 I think I, I think I have an intolerance for fermented goods anyway.
13:30 Speaker 00 What, like sour crouton, kimchi and that stuff as well?
13:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, which I don't particularly like, so it's no big deal. But I made a big, I made a, like a Polish cold soup.
13:41 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
13:42 Speaker 01 Which is sort of beetroot and.
13:44 Speaker 00 Oh, Izzy makes that.
13:45 Speaker 01 Mint and kefir or soured milk they use in Poland.
13:49 Speaker 00 Izzy's made that one as well. What's it called?
13:52 Speaker 01 It's mad. It's bright pink and it's cold and it's soup and it's made of yogurt. But anyway.
13:58 Speaker 00 And the toilet the next day is an absolute horror show.
14:01 Speaker 01 The next day, my skin just exploded. It was so painful and red. I looked like, I, I looked like someone had kind of sort of, I'd poured boiling water on my face. It was really horrible. So I'm panicking and applying lots of creams and stuff. And I did a podcast for The Rest Is Entertainment, like their bonus podcast.
14:19 Speaker 00 Oh, did you?
14:19 Speaker 01 Which is like World Cup of Entertainment. And I go into Spotify and I sit down in the room and they've got the cameras on like beyond 4K HD.
14:31 Speaker 00 Right.
14:31 Speaker 01 And it's close up of my face. I'm not joking, the size of that wall behind you.
14:37 Speaker 00 Like Big Brother.
14:38 Speaker 01 Is just me.
14:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:39 Speaker 01 And I started eating a sandwich and I looked up and it was just this most horrific image of me I've ever seen.
14:47 Speaker 00 And did you say, sorry?
14:48 Speaker 01 Blotchy, angry skin and me eating an egg and cheese sandwich. And I was like, that, no one can ever see that.
14:56 Speaker 00 No.
14:56 Speaker 01 That can't be, that has to be redacted.
14:58 Speaker 00 Miranda was very sweet and said I just looked like I was glowing. And then I looked at myself in my phone afterwards and it honestly looked like I'd been doused in water.
15:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
15:08 Speaker 00 But um, and did you say to Richard and Marina, sorry, I've been eating some Polish soup?
15:13 Speaker 01 No, I just said, before we discuss who's better out of Oasis and Coldplay.
15:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:19 Speaker 01 Can you just?
15:20 Speaker 00 Why are you getting called in for that?
15:22 Speaker 01 Ah, interesting.
15:23 Speaker 00 Two bands, you've got no idea.
15:25 Speaker 03 Both of them.
15:26 Speaker 01 Uh, I was actually very even handed and I said, I, so one of, I would don't, I don't know what spoilers I can give, but it's, it's, they're free. The first two episodes are free.
15:35 Speaker 00 Spoiler is, you were a bad booking.
15:38 Speaker 03 Gary Crowther, no chance. Paolo Hewitt, not for us. John Robbins.
15:43 Speaker 01 Uh, I said, if we're talking about bands, we, this can't get into like a discussion of who's, who we like the most.
15:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:50 Speaker 01 It's got to be about like impact.
15:51 Speaker 00 Okay.
15:52 Speaker 01 Like cultural impact, impact on British music and world music.
15:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:56 Speaker 01 Um, but yeah, great fun. It was me, Maisie Adam and Richard Osman and um, they'll be out very soon.
16:01 Speaker 00 Lovely. It's weird though, some people are very good at coping with it. Like I was on the train on the way in and there was a lady opposite me, just reading a book. And her hair was like straightened and perfect and she wasn't sweating and she looked completely at ease. And everyone else in the carriage looked like they were dying. And I thought, what are you doing that's different?
16:21 Speaker 01 Well, I guess it depends.
16:22 Speaker 00 She didn't have a fan, she wasn't drinking, she wasn't fanning herself or anything. She just seemed to have stepped onto the train from a different dimension.
16:30 Speaker 01 Well, I think it depends what your sort of personal infrastructure is because the, the infrastructure of the country as a whole is not designed, as your school proves.
16:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:40 Speaker 01 To deal with this kind of heat. And there's a real political problem around climate change. I mean, A, climate change. But also, do you invest hundreds of billions to get this country able to deal with long periods of high heat? So that person may just have gone, not gone through any infrastructure that's.
17:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:01 Speaker 01 That copes with heat badly.
17:02 Speaker 00 My train was quite badly delayed and we were on the platform for probably half an hour.
17:07 Speaker 01 Cause most people.
17:08 Speaker 00 It seemed, it was amazing.
17:10 Speaker 01 But if you're sat in the shade in a park in this weather, you're actually, most people are okay.
17:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:15 Speaker 01 It's if you're sort of your office or your house or your flat, if you're on a top floor, flat roofed.
17:20 Speaker 00 Oh, nightmare.
17:21 Speaker 01 Oh, my lord.
17:22 Speaker 00 Our attic is like a punishment suite.
17:26 Speaker 01 Well, what you can do, if you've got a skylight.
17:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:28 Speaker 01 So you open that and you open the loft hatch.
17:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:32 Speaker 01 And then the hot air just goes out of your house.
17:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:36 Speaker 01 It's all about, it's all about through drafts.
17:39 Speaker 00 Yeah, I understand.
17:40 Speaker 01 Late in the evening.
17:41 Speaker 00 I understand.
17:41 Speaker 01 Anyway, we've had some really good emails this week and I would like to start with someone replying to our discussion about Taylor, whose boyfriend made them listen to a song he'd written about Taylor in front of him whilst touching knees. Hello, content kings. It's unfortunately dislodged a long-forgotten memory from my teenage years and first relationship. It could have been much worse for Taylor that day. Rather than one song, Taylor could have had an entire album. Yep, that's right. Inspired by true and burning love, for her birthday, I gave my girlfriend a CD. Wow, maybe it's from one of my favourite bands, she probably thought as she unwrapped it.
18:22 Speaker 01 Nope, 12 tracks of incredibly amateur, cringe-inducing acoustic guitar love songs. Did we put it on and listen? You bet we did. Luckily, I can't remember whether we made it as far as the sexy song I had written.
18:35 Speaker 00 Oh, god.
18:37 Speaker 01 Anyway, it didn't matter, we broke up soon afterwards. That CD still exists, but god forbid I ever have to listen to those lyrics again. Love you all, Rudy.
18:46 Speaker 00 I...
18:47 Speaker 01 That's tough.
18:48 Speaker 00 The problem with young love is that occasionally you will express yourself.
18:55 Speaker 00 And my advice to anyone who's young and in love is keep those emotions in lockdown.
19:03 Speaker 03 Play it cool.
19:04 Speaker 00 Play it cool and for god's sake, don't write an album. Unless you're Alex Turner.
19:08 Speaker 01 I was just thinking, I, I used to express my love in compilation tapes of other people's music.
19:14 Speaker 00 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine.
19:16 Speaker 01 But then I remembered also poems which I'd written. No. Though...
19:21 Speaker 00 Did you give them?
19:21 Speaker 01 Yes.
19:23 Speaker 00 And what was, I've never done that, I've never had the bottle to do that. So what was the reaction and response like?
19:30 Speaker 00 Were any positive? Sorry, this is quite loaded.
19:34 Speaker 03 Don't feel you have to dig up these memories, John. I'm worried now.
19:37 Speaker 01 It's nicer to receive a poem than some things.
19:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, absolutely.
19:44 Speaker 03 You weren't, you know, unloading a lot of horsemen who were in a front garden, were you?
19:49 Speaker 01 No, I wasn't drilling holes in a house and setting bees loose.
19:54 Speaker 01 But in a way emotionally I was.
20:00 Speaker 03 Bees of love.
20:01 Speaker 01 I don't know.
20:05 Speaker 00 Welcome to my love bees.
20:08 Speaker 03 My love hive.
20:09 Speaker 00 Do enjoy my love hive.
20:10 Speaker 01 Welcome to my stanzas of love bees. I think, in retrospect, I would rather have written them because I believe the creative process is in, in the end, helpful to anyone.
20:20 Speaker 00 See, I don't.
20:21 Speaker 03 No, it is.
20:22 Speaker 01 Oh, it is.
20:23 Speaker 03 It is.
20:23 Speaker 01 I would rather have written them and not given them.
20:26 Speaker 03 Yes.
20:26 Speaker 00 Yes, of course.
20:27 Speaker 01 I think that's the thing. But speaking of creativity, interesting email from Beck here. He says, Beck, hello, you Don LaFontaines of podcasting. I'm a professional movie trailer editor. Remember that phrase?
20:44 Speaker 00 Professional.
20:46 Speaker 01 And I'd like to congratulate you, I think Beck means John, on Tuesday's movie trailer podcast opener. You got the title and key info up front for those of a low attention span. Character intros were on point. It featured strong voiceover, comedy, narrative arc, peril, and the classic cliffhanger tease. Keep it up, lads. I think she means lad.
21:11 Speaker 00 Excuse me?
21:12 Speaker 01 You'll be golden trailer award winners in no time.
21:16 Speaker 00 We bought it to, we bought it to life.
21:19 Speaker 01 Sure, sure, of course. I've got to thank my ensemble cast.
21:22 Speaker 00 Of course you do.
21:23 Speaker 01 But written, directed, and starring John Robbins.
21:28 Speaker 03 It does annoy me that John has multiple talents and that if comedy... Went wrong, he does have a plan B.
21:34 Speaker 01 I think a lot of
21:35 Speaker 03 Movie making.
21:36 Speaker 01 Plan Bs. Am I gonna be a Hollywood director?
21:39 Speaker 03 You, you wear a cap, well.
21:41 Speaker 01 Thank you.
21:42 Speaker 03 And that's
21:42 Speaker 01 Sort of, I'm sort of hiding my skin a bit today, so I'm wearing my glasses and a cap.
21:46 Speaker 03 Not at all.
21:47 Speaker 01 But, oh, can I ask if there's any dermatologists listening, Dave?
21:52 Speaker 03 There will be.
21:52 Speaker 00 Couple of them as well, go on.
21:54 Speaker 01 Um, well, given potential rosacea triggered by, uh,
21:58 Speaker 03 Fermented foods.
21:59 Speaker 01 Fermented foods, heat and sweat.
22:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:01 Speaker 01 And cheese, I'm starting to think it's a histamine response because I took an antihistamine and it really helped.
22:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm on, I'm on them at the minute.
22:09 Speaker 01 So what do I do?
22:10 Speaker 00 What are you on the antihistamines for, Dave?
22:12 Speaker 03 Itchy skin, hay fever, and I think for some reason, like, heat rash this time round, which I've never had either of before. And that was Tuesday night, I was, it was horrible, scratching away.
22:23 Speaker 00 I went to watch, I took my daughter to watch a school production because a friend of mine was in it, or her daughter was in it. And then we walked to the school, which took 20 minutes. By the time I got there, I was so sweaty, my eyes were itching.
22:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:37 Speaker 00 Like it was, it's never happened to me before. It was horrible.
22:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:51 Speaker 04 I've got big news, I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh, anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them. Everybody listen up. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now, no trade in needed, and the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us. Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for Watch or iPad required. Additional terms apply for all offers.
23:21 Speaker 05 Hello, this is Suzy Ruffel.
23:22 Speaker 06 And Maisy Adam.
23:23 Speaker 05 And together we host Big Kick Energy. Hey, Mase, what is it?
23:26 Speaker 06 Only the best podcast ever.
23:27 Speaker 05 Yeah.
23:28 Speaker 06 A comedy entertainment podcast with a focus on all things women's football, all things hilarious, all things friendship. It's a laugh is what it is, Ruffel.
23:38 Speaker 05 Yeah, and a fair bit of gossiping too.
23:40 Speaker 06 Oh, and a lovely bit of gossip, chow down on the gossip.
23:42 Speaker 05 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, just need to search Big Kick Energy.
23:48 Speaker 06 Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.
23:54 Speaker 01 This is from Charlie. Hello to you three brave boys broadcasting for a better Britain. Right now, in the midst of mega summer, I draw on one of Robins' many words of wisdom. This is all very embarrassing on these emails today. And so I sit here emailing you in 30 degrees, wearing a wet t-shirt in front of a fan. As my daughter would say, I'm as cool as a porcupine in the snow. My workmates think I'm mad, but until they're brave enough to try for themselves, they chose to live in sweaty ignorance. Confirmation and validation if ever needed that your brave broadcast is making this Brits' day better at last.
24:29 Speaker 03 A lot of Bs.
24:30 Speaker 01 Hashtag Robins for PM. Hashtag significant political party.
24:35 Speaker 03 Oh, now, okay, I can get on board with that.
24:38 Speaker 01 We could try and get in where the TIG group failed.
24:40 Speaker 03 Who were they?
24:41 Speaker 01 The, do you remember the TIGs?
24:44 Speaker 03 Yes.
24:45 Speaker 01 What was it stand for? The Independent Group for Change.
24:49 Speaker 03 Oh, right, okay. What, TIG?
24:52 Speaker 01 We could be...
24:52 Speaker 03 So Chakamuna's one?
24:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Significant Group.
24:56 Speaker 03 And what are we standing for? What are we standing for?
24:58 Speaker 01 Significant Britain. Significant Britain abroad.
25:01 Speaker 03 Decency.
25:02 Speaker 01 Decency.
25:02 Speaker 03 Significant decency.
25:03 Speaker 01 Significant improvement.
25:05 Speaker 03 Yes.
25:05 Speaker 01 And what's nice about that is it's quite vague.
25:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
25:09 Speaker 01 The improvement will be significant in the NHS, but I'm not putting any numbers on it.
25:15 Speaker 03 I'm not giving you any figures. And that could be a negative significance as well, couldn't it?
25:19 Speaker 01 No, the improvements will be significantly positive.
25:23 Speaker 03 Oh, okay.
25:23 Speaker 01 We will have significant standards to hold ourselves to.
25:27 Speaker 03 Yes.
25:29 Speaker 01 I will expect nothing other than a significant work ethic from my staff.
25:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:37 Speaker 01 And it will be a significant improvement on the last blooming dawn.
25:40 Speaker 03 And any failures will be insignificant. And it's dealt with significantly.
25:45 Speaker 00 And dealt with significantly.
25:47 Speaker 03 But also, as long as everyone's just trying their blimmin' best.
25:49 Speaker 01 And if any of our cabinet want to make it.
25:51 Speaker 00 The messaging has to be consistent. It can't be we just want everyone to try their blimmin' best.
25:56 Speaker 03 I want everyone to just.
25:57 Speaker 00 We can all say that.
25:57 Speaker 03 Just try your best and just get on, just get away with it.
26:00 Speaker 00 Okay. Right then, little email. Hello to the bravest of brave little soldiers. Upon hearing your lamenting of the lack of lathing and lathe-based jeopardy in the modern day, I was reminded of a lovely chap me and my dad became friends with. We'd enrolled onto a bicycle maintenance course, I need one of those by the way, at a nearby workshop. Over the weeks, we learnt how to strip down, diagnose and fix problems on bicycles. It was a lovely time spent bonding over bikes. That sounds fantastic.
26:26 Speaker 01 You know, there's a bike maintenance company that do days in this very office for free.
26:31 Speaker 00 No, I did not know that.
26:32 Speaker 01 And I think.
26:33 Speaker 00 How do you know that?
26:34 Speaker 01 Because it's on a sign by the lifts. And the.
26:36 Speaker 00 What, you read signs?
26:38 Speaker 01 I read signs. I roll my eyes at that one saying taking the stairs will make you live seven years longer. Because I'd think that's a lot of.
26:46 Speaker 00 Uh, all right. I'm gonna write that on my hand.
26:48 Speaker 01 It's sort of fake science.
26:50 Speaker 00 Bike, uh, bike maintenance course in this building?
26:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, 28th of, uh, no, they will check your bike for free is what it is.
26:57 Speaker 00 Oh, I, I don't, I need to be told how to maintain my bike myself.
27:02 Speaker 03 They'll do that probably for a fee.
27:03 Speaker 01 Give them a bit of the old nature's ID, AKA the face.
27:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:08 Speaker 01 Hey, I'm Elis James. I want to expand my horizons.
27:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, okay, I will. That sounds great because my local bike shop said they were gonna do it. And then when I went in to chat, they went, oh, no, we're not doing that anymore. I said, why not? You can't be bothered.
27:20 Speaker 01 I should, I haven't, I haven't checked whether that thing about the stairs is fake science. I just guessed it was.
27:25 Speaker 00 Cool.
27:27 Speaker 03 All right, Bartlett.
27:29 Speaker 03 All right, let me just check. You keep talking, Ellis.
27:31 Speaker 00 Um, we soon got chatting to another man on the course, Rob, who worked in the engineering department at the University of Sheffield. Rob was a fascinating individual who in hindsight seemed overly qualified to be on such a relatively introductory course on bike maintenance. So I'm gonna sneeze.
27:51 Speaker 01 I can't cope with that.
27:52 Speaker 00 Why not?
27:53 Speaker 03 Because you're not expressing yourself through your sneeze.
27:56 Speaker 01 I mean, it's very considerate.
27:58 Speaker 00 I don't want to do it into the mic.
28:00 Speaker 01 It's like throwing up into your mouth and swallowing it.
28:02 Speaker 00 That loads. Loved it.
28:03 Speaker 03 It's responsible because there's no germs going anywhere.
28:06 Speaker 01 Very true. I'm happy. I think Ellis is a better person than me.
28:10 Speaker 03 Have you ever seen anyone sneeze when the light's just behind them? The trajectory of how far a sneeze goes is unbelievable.
28:17 Speaker 00 It comes out a hundred miles an hour.
28:18 Speaker 03 You think it just goes a few inches away from your mouth. It absolutely flies.
28:22 Speaker 01 Like those graphics in lockdown. About viral load. Yeah.
28:29 Speaker 00 A tall man who was the epitome of chill, very down to earth and just a good egg all around. And as we got to know him, he told us stories of building guitars from scratch, restoring motorcycles and building an Austin 10 race car from scratch, bare chassis, and limping various minis and Mark 1 Ford Escort around as a student in late 70s, early 80s. At the end of the course, I mentioned that I'd been inspired to build my own racing bike, to which Rob said that he has some Shimano parts, gear set, handlebars and brakes, et cetera, that were barely used and that I could have for a very reasonable amount now then. So one evening, me and my dad drove around to Rob's, which was a paradise for us. He had a treasure trove of bicycles, motorcycles and his stunning 1930s Austin 10 race car.
29:13 Speaker 00 His garage was a little slice of heaven and pride of place along the Austin was a full-size lathe and an Hepburn milling machine. He had the tools and the knowledge to essentially make anything he wanted and he clearly did. Upon seeing this treasure trove of machinery and tools, my dad in a joking manner asked, "So what does the wife think?", to which Rob answered, "She left me."
29:39 Speaker 03 Which is sad.
29:40 Speaker 00 It is. Of course it is.
29:41 Speaker 03 It's just sad.
29:42 Speaker 00 Instant awkward atmosphere. My dad immediately offered his apology and condolences. Rob just smiled. Ah, no worries. It was a while ago. And besides, it was the best. Rob then pointed at the full size lathe, which looked straight out of a professional workshop. You see that lathe? I came home with it and my wife said, it's me or the lathe. As you can see, the lathe is still here.
30:06 Speaker 00 Wow. Cue laughter and further talking rubbish about old cars and the intricacies of metalworking, all the best to my favourite podcast, Charlie and. Do you think he actually chose them? He didn't choose. He didn't say the lathe.
30:18 Speaker 01 I think like they've sort of, I don't see that as a sad story because they've both kind of got what they wanted.
30:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's not really about the lathe.
30:27 Speaker 01 If she's feeling that someone's not prioritising her, she needs to go and find someone who, you know, treats her the way she wants to be treated. And if he prefers lathes to human beings, then it's sort of win win. Um.
30:41 Speaker 00 Yeah. It's such a funny sentence. It's me or the lathe.
30:47 Speaker 00 That's my favourite sentence ever, I think. Dave, it's me or the lathe.
30:52 Speaker 01 It makes me think of that. I read once, I read an article, a long read about audio files, like mainly men who get obsessed with their hi-fi systems and, you know, buying solid gold cables to increase the, I don't know what the, the hertzage frequency, I don't know.
31:13 Speaker 00 The hertzage frequency. It improves the listening experience.
31:16 Speaker 01 And valves and speakers and fidelity.
31:18 Speaker 00 Yes.
31:19 Speaker 01 And they would hire out floors of hotels and do, put their setup in each room and they sort of go from room to room, listening to each other's setups. And to, to a man, each of them said their greatest fear was dying and their partners just getting rid of the systems because they'd never told them how much they'd spent on them. So you talk like a hundred grands worth of stuff.
31:41 Speaker 00 What?
31:41 Speaker 01 And, and them dying and it just sort of being taken to the local.
31:44 Speaker 00 To save the children, yeah.
31:46 Speaker 01 Because why on earth would you think your partner had spent a thousand pounds on a speaker cable? Because that's completely insane.
31:53 Speaker 00 Like, I love music.
31:54 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
31:55 Speaker 00 I don't love music enough. To invest in a system like that.
31:59 Speaker 03 Given that we work, and I work in audio, I'm not actually very good at spotting what's good and what's bad quality. I can't tell the difference.
32:05 Speaker 01 Because the human ear can't pick it up.
32:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, because there's one platform that go, like, it's lossless, isn't it?
32:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
32:10 Speaker 03 And there's another one that isn't. You could put both of them on to me. I can't really tell which one's lossless and which one isn't lossless.
32:15 Speaker 01 Well, it's because you're not, you're not a machine.
32:17 Speaker 03 No, but some people can, or they claim to, they claim to.
32:21 Speaker 01 Yeah. We've got two emails about mind STDs.
32:25 Speaker 03 Great.
32:26 Speaker 01 To my three lovely little diplo, diplococci. Don't know what that is, but I'm guessing it might be a disease.
32:32 Speaker 00 Diplo-docus?
32:33 Speaker 01 No, diplococci. Google that, Dave. D I P L O C O C C I.
32:41 Speaker 01 Is it a willy problem?
32:43 Speaker 03 I'll come back to the stairs later on, John.
32:46 Speaker 01 Okay.
32:47 Speaker 03 Diplococci. Oh, spherical or oval bacteria that typically occur in pairs.
32:54 Speaker 03 Do we want to be diplococci?
32:56 Speaker 00 Pairs as in the fruit.
32:58 Speaker 03 They are formed when round bacterial cells, cocki, is it cochii? I don't know.
33:03 Speaker 01 Cocki, probably. Cocki. No, because you have streplococci.
33:08 Speaker 03 Hmm, okay, good. Divide and remain attached to each other instead of separating. This is you two.
33:13 Speaker 01 Oh, it's lovely. We're a lovely virus.
33:15 Speaker 03 Diplococci.
33:16 Speaker 01 Bacteria, sorry, not virus.
33:17 Speaker 00 We're audio bacteria.
33:20 Speaker 01 I'm writing in a state of surprise and delight after Tuesday's episode. Never in my many years of listening did I expect to be right in the middle of the Venn diagram of my two favourite subjects, the lovely boys and lovely bugs. First of all, John, congratulations on your relentless commitment to public health.
33:39 Speaker 01 You are recovering well from your mind STD. And thank you for being an accidental advocate for reducing the stigma around testing. You're welcome. Not only am I a retro wanna, I'm also a sexual health specialist nerds. And part of the way through a PhD on STI prevention.
33:57 Speaker 01 Yes, I am the sort of person who will bore you at parties talking about my favourite STI, syphilis.
34:02 Speaker 03 Why?
34:03 Speaker 00 Is that still knocking around syphilis? Syphilis is what got Al Capone in the end, isn't it?
34:08 Speaker 01 I wondered if I could use the opportunity for a quick PSA, and yes, this is important, I should have said this, that even if you aren't in the top tax bracket, testing is free, quick and largely painless. There's an option to order tests online, delivery to your door, and we now even have medications to prevent many STIs, both mind and otherwise. Because in my panic, I made decisions that incurred large costs because I wanted speed, discretion and efficiency. Turns out, after a lot of people have got in touch, there's actually as quick and cheaper ways and free ways of getting yourself tested. So I didn't want people to think that if you're worried about the fact you might have an STI, you need to spend loads of money.
34:49 Speaker 03 But you're like an Alder Marcus, you're a spendthrift.
34:52 Speaker 01 Yes, though I never always thought that meant something different. Because it sounds like a, it sounds like a miser.
35:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, it does.
35:01 Speaker 00 Yes.
35:03 Speaker 01 If someone has symptoms, we try to see them as soon as possible, though because of budget cuts, you may not always get an appointment on the same day. Although they're not necessarily pleasant, STIs are just a fact of life. This is what I was thinking to myself, it's just a sore throat that lives in your willy.
35:20 Speaker 01 In a way.
35:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
35:22 Speaker 01 Like, there's no moral difference between bacteria in your gentleman's agreement.
35:26 Speaker 03 Or in your pants.
35:26 Speaker 01 Or your ladies' agreement, or your thems' agreement than in your throat.
35:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, but don't put a strepsil up there.
35:33 Speaker 01 Do not put a strepsil up there.
35:35 Speaker 03 No.
35:37 Speaker 03 Or a locket.
35:38 Speaker 01 The bigger issue we face is not biology, it's stigma, embarrassment and the persistent myth that sexual health clinics are intimidating places, staffed entirely by swab-wielding judgement fans. They're not, they're full of slightly exhausted, kind professionals who have seen everything, heard everything.
35:53 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
35:53 Speaker 01 And are mainly just delighted when people turn up rather than self-diagnosing mind STDs via Google.
36:00 Speaker 01 That's from Jodie, and then this one, which is quite funny. And actually, I think this email deserves to be classed as a shame well.
36:10 Speaker 03 Okay.
36:10 Speaker 01 Because it's so good. So let's head into the well to read out this tale of woe. What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time. I didn't know he's only got one hand. I was signed in on her Gmail. John's shame well. Hello, you sexually safe sages. I enjoyed the recent anecdote anecdote about John's brain induced STI and his comment about reading out results of a test on a wedding day reminded me of the heady days of my first proper job, where I was a fresh young graduate, recently single, after my then ex-girlfriend had found herself and other men
36:53 Speaker 01 on a post-university gap year, which in hindsight I perhaps shouldn't have endorsed with such gusto.
37:01 Speaker 01 Anyway, I fully committed to newly single life, enjoying the very infancy of Tinder and online dating. I had a good year of being single for the first time since before university in London, at which point some of the team I worked for were living vicariously through me, being men of a certain age, married with children. After a couple of months, an older, wiser colleague inquired about my sexual health and the potential for me to have unwittingly picked up an STI. As a result, I went into a bit of mental panic, similar to what John has mentioned, and took myself along to one of the free sexual health testing clinics in London, just to make sure all was fine and the slight burning sensation I'd been experiencing was driven by dehydration.
37:43 Speaker 01 I had a routine test, urine only, it's post-World War II after all, and in a moment of absolute madness, clearly still riddled with panic, instead of putting my mobile number down to receive my results.
37:54 Speaker 03 No, no.
37:54 Speaker 01 I instead submitted the work team phone number.
37:59 Speaker 02 Oh my god.
38:00 Speaker 01 Which was shared between eight different colleagues.
38:03 Speaker 03 That's horrible stuff.
38:04 Speaker 01 You can imagine my mixture of delight and absolute terror.
38:08 Speaker 02 Oh my god.
38:09 Speaker 01 When there was a call that came through from the East London Sexual Health Clinic, picked up by my boss, put on speakerphone for all of us to hear, where they read out my name, date of birth, and then followed up with the test results in order.
38:25 Speaker 01 Quote, "Your AIDS test is negative. Negative means you don't have AIDS. Your syphilis test is negative. Negative means you don't have syphilis." And so on. The call probably lasted for a minute, but felt like it was about half an hour. Such was the enjoyment that the rest of the desk had from this experience. It actually became an annual tradition for the next couple of years before I left and moved on to Pastures New with my colleagues, safe in the knowledge I left them sexually healthy, if nothing else. I will withhold my name for obvious reasons. Cheers.
39:00 Speaker 00 Huge impact on me, that email.
39:03 Speaker 01 Huge impact.
39:04 Speaker 00 What do you mean? You don't have syphilis.
39:06 Speaker 01 Hey!
39:07 Speaker 00 It's like when they read out the team sheet at Falmouth. You don't have chlamydia.
39:11 Speaker 01 Hey!
39:12 Speaker 00 Yeah. You don't have gonorrhea.
39:14 Speaker 01 Hey!
39:14 Speaker 03 But, but they were clean.
39:17 Speaker 01 Yes, I think so.
39:18 Speaker 03 Because the one step of that being even worse is if one of them pops up.
39:22 Speaker 01 That would, yeah.
39:23 Speaker 03 That's disastrous. Yeah, so at least it just shows responsible responsibility, doesn't it?
39:28 Speaker 00 But it's a funny office dynamic that, in that that person was young and single in the early days of Tinder.
39:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:34 Speaker 00 And everyone else in the office is married and they're all living vicariously through him.
39:39 Speaker 01 I remember like, because Tinder started about 2014, 15, maybe 2013. I remember it sort of becoming a real topic of comedian sets.
39:51 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah, it was a punchline. Yeah, for ages.
39:53 Speaker 01 I sort of started a long-term relationship. And I do remember sort of saying to them, what's, what's, what does, what does that look like?
40:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:02 Speaker 01 What's that like?
40:03 Speaker 00 Yeah. I've been with Izzy since 2010, so I've never, I've never been on the app. But yeah, around that time, you told to the comedians who had it in their set.
40:10 Speaker 01 Hmm.
40:12 Speaker 00 Is it, is it?
40:13 Speaker 03 Which way do you swipe again?
40:14 Speaker 00 Very good fun. Is it very good fun over there?
40:19 Speaker 01 And then what happens?
40:22 Speaker 01 And how, can I look at it? Just your profile?
40:25 Speaker 00 Just, I just can't read that.
40:28 Speaker 03 I don't think it's as much fun as it sounds.
40:30 Speaker 01 Oh, God, no. I think it's absolute. Because then, two years later, it was all, I've deleted it. I've deleted it because it's driving me insane.
40:38 Speaker 03 Oh, do you want to know about stairs?
40:40 Speaker 01 Yes.
40:40 Speaker 03 Okay.
40:43 Speaker 03 Taking the stairs daily is linked to significant longevity benefits. Studies show that climbing just five flights of stairs a day is associated with a 39% lower risk of dying from cardiovascular disease.
40:55 Speaker 01 I do not buy that.
40:58 Speaker 03 Mate, it's on YouTube.
41:01 Speaker 00 Well, there was.
41:02 Speaker 01 If you're like, if your diet is appalling and the only exercise you do is that and you're genetically predisposed to heart disease, taking five flights of stairs a day isn't going to make you live that much longer. I would say.
41:16 Speaker 03 But there are theories that, you know, living in a bungalow takes X amount of years off your life and all that kind of stuff.
41:21 Speaker 01 But this is all kind of, this is like that science where it's after the fact.
41:25 Speaker 03 But all it's basically saying, it's using stairs as an example. It's just saying, get fit and live longer.
41:31 Speaker 01 Sure, sure. There's nothing, nothing bad is going to happen.
41:34 Speaker 03 Of course, it will, you know, you will get fitter from walking upstairs.
41:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:37 Speaker 03 So surely that is good because fitness is good.
41:40 Speaker 01 But also like, so for example, that bungalow stat, it could also be that people who live in bungalows are often people with health conditions that give them mobility problems or they're very elderly. There's a lot in play here.
41:53 Speaker 03 Disastrous.
41:54 Speaker 01 There's, there's caveats.
42:04 Speaker 05 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.
42:13 Speaker 05 Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble. But was he set up? Wanted at the foot of a fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty.
42:26 Speaker 01 But of a totally different crime. You're not going to end up going to prison, do you, kiddo? I'm Jaycee Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
42:40 Speaker 01 Right, it's ring fence time. It's exciting news, folks, because the Royal Albert Hall has sold out in around an hour, which feels like it should be on the news.
42:54 Speaker 00 The promoter does say, to all intents and purposes.
42:57 Speaker 01 Yes.
42:57 Speaker 00 To throw that in.
42:58 Speaker 01 So I imagine there's probably a few single tickets left. There may be some access seats left for people, perhaps who use a wheelchair.
43:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:09 Speaker 01 They are releasing some standing tickets for 20 quid.
43:13 Speaker 00 The away end, the people who really hate my stand up.
43:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:16 Speaker 00 But the people who are going to stay and watch it in my barrack.
43:18 Speaker 01 They brought flares.
43:19 Speaker 00 Yeah. That's where the pyro's going to be.
43:22 Speaker 01 Can you imagine if we walk out on stage and there's one of those enormous flags of Ellis?
43:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:28 Speaker 01 Like the Rafa Benitez one they used to have. So, yeah.
43:32 Speaker 00 I expect a tifo.
43:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, we'll get, we can make it, oh, that's fun, John, we should get my tifo. That's fun. Those things must cost enormous.
43:39 Speaker 00 They cost thousands.
43:39 Speaker 03 How they made? Because City seem to have a new one every single game these days.
43:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, my, mates of mine at the Alternative Wales magazine did one for the last, for the playoff, the World Cup playoff. But they cost, they've got, they did a big fundraiser, I think. They are expensive. We should get your tifo. Oh, but yeah, I'll buy it. I'll buy a tifo. As long as someone else gets rid of it. I don't want it in the house.
44:01 Speaker 01 Imagine the argument with your accountant about whether you can claim for a tifo at your own gig.
44:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, surely you can. It is work related.
44:09 Speaker 01 Is it wholly and exclusively? Like, they could argue that you-
44:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, what else are you doing in with it?
44:14 Speaker 01 They could argue you might just put it on the front of your house.
44:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, what for?
44:21 Speaker 03 What else could you?
44:22 Speaker 00 Can you imagine what that would do for my children's attitudes to ego if I had a teeth full of myself in the house?
44:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:32 Speaker 01 You'd have to fold it up. It probably takes up a room, doesn't it?
44:35 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. You'd have to turn it into like a boat sail or something, something that's massive.
44:40 Speaker 01 The SS Ellis.
44:41 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:43 Speaker 00 The good ship contest.
44:44 Speaker 03 HS James.
44:47 Speaker 01 So, yeah, the Royal Albert Hall tickets are in the main, sold out.
44:50 Speaker 03 Which is incredible.
44:51 Speaker 01 We are at the time, so maybe it might be four hours before you hear this.
44:55 Speaker 03 This is the 26th of June.
44:57 Speaker 01 Standing tickets have been released.
44:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, 26th of June, the day that they came out. It is absolutely incredible when you take a step back from the madness of this, that within a day, it looks like we've pretty much sold out the Royal Albert Hall, which is fantastic. And Ellis, you should be very proud.
45:09 Speaker 00 It's not, but it's a team effort.
45:10 Speaker 01 I'm slightly regretting arguing down the ticket price now.
45:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's been in my head a lot this week, John.
45:16 Speaker 01 But no, because I believe in it.
45:17 Speaker 03 And a lot of people have commented on that.
45:19 Speaker 01 Have they?
45:19 Speaker 03 The ticket pricing, yeah. A lot of people have said, well done.
45:22 Speaker 00 Yes, but we've got to be reasonable.
45:23 Speaker 03 Fair play. You've done very well there in terms of the pricing. So, yeah, I think a few more standings have been, a few standing tickets have been released, but...
45:30 Speaker 00 Some artists do not give an S.
45:33 Speaker 03 No.
45:34 Speaker 00 About their ticket prices.
45:36 Speaker 03 They'll take you for all the earth.
45:37 Speaker 00 Whack them up.
45:37 Speaker 03 So, we are happy with a bit of, is this right, John? Because the dance was a long time ago. So, we're happy with a bit of money being left on the pavement.
45:44 Speaker 01 Yes.
45:45 Speaker 03 Great.
45:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:46 Speaker 00 I wasn't involved in the dance.
45:47 Speaker 03 No, you weren't.
45:50 Speaker 00 However, let's talk about tickets that are going far more slowly.
45:55 Speaker 03 All my friends.
45:57 Speaker 00 And all my friends. So, I'm doing Welsh stand-up at the Estevard, which is as big as gigs get in sort of the Welsh language, really. So, I'm doing some warm-ups. Now, the Welsh ones have almost sold, well, the Cardiff one has sold out and I might do a matinee. And the one in Garthog on the 17th of July might is fairly near selling out. However, call it an act of hubris, I decided to do five Welsh language warm-ups in London, right? So, 23rd of July, I'm doing ABC in Kennington, which is my favourite gig. The 26th of July, I don't think I mentioned this one last week. Daniel Kitson is organising a comedy festival at Stanley Hall's in South Norwood.
46:42 Speaker 01 And he's had the arrogance to do it all in Welsh.
46:47 Speaker 01 He's thought, I'm that good.
46:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, but everyone's doing it in Welsh. The Stelley AB is doing it in Welsh. I'm doing it in Welsh. Um, that's the 26th of July and that one's going quite slowly, I think. So if you're, if you're in South London.
47:00 Speaker 01 Are you doing that in Welsh?
47:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:01 Speaker 01 How does that work? That's part of an English language bill.
47:04 Speaker 00 It's an English language festival. So everyone's doing our work.
47:06 Speaker 01 Oh, right.
47:07 Speaker 00 So I'm doing, I think I'm doing 2.15, but it's on the 26th of July. Let's have a look if it's 2.15. So Stanley Hall's in South Norwood, where I saw Griff Rees a couple of months ago. Great venue. Yeah, 2.15, I'm doing Stanley Hall's. And then I'm doing first and second of August at the London Welsh Centre. I'm not worried about those ones because they've got a massive mailing list. So I think those ones will go. And then the third of August at ABC in Kennington. So not for me, but for James, who runs ABC and Daniel Kitson. Come on, London-based Welsh speakers, help me out.
47:43 Speaker 01 How for Wales? How many LBWSs are there, do you reckon?
47:48 Speaker 00 London Welsh speakers.
47:49 Speaker 01 London-based Welsh speakers.
47:50 Speaker 00 London-based Welsh speakers. I Google this. Estimates are about 50,000.
47:55 Speaker 01 Oh, amazing.
47:55 Speaker 00 So you should, I should be able to sell these.
47:57 Speaker 01 You should have booked out the O2.
48:01 Speaker 01 What else are they going to?
48:02 Speaker 00 Well, I did, I did four or five nights at the London Welsh Centre and they all sold out last time. But obviously they've got a massive mailing list, whereas because I was at ABC and I just love that room so much. I thought if I do it on my socials, I'm sure it'll be fine. And James very kindly allowed me to do that room twice. And then there's Stanley Hall. So they're the ones. So 23rd of July and the third of August at ABC in Kennington. And then the 26th of July at 2.15pm, Stanley Hall's in South Norwood, South London. It's, it's in Welsh. Okay. It's a warm-up for the Eastethford, but please come along. And the gigs I'm doing at the London Welsh Centre, I'm donating all of the money to the London Welsh School, the Welsh Language School in Hanlon Valley.
48:47 Speaker 00 So yeah, go to my website and my Instagram.
48:50 Speaker 01 Have you heard of the Boya Festival in Wales?
48:53 Speaker 00 No, what's that?
48:53 Speaker 01 It's a three-day music festival in St Davids.
48:56 Speaker 00 Oh, you've heard of it?
48:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:57 Speaker 00 No, I've not heard of that.
48:58 Speaker 01 The line-up is superb.
48:59 Speaker 00 Oh, I've not heard of this.
49:00 Speaker 01 So it's all across the town.
49:02 Speaker 00 I love St Davids. What a town.
49:04 Speaker 01 Alexis Taylor from Hot Chip.
49:06 Speaker 00 Oh, cool.
49:07 Speaker 01 My new favourite artist, I don't know how to say her name, N A M H?
49:13 Speaker 03 Neve, isn't it?
49:14 Speaker 01 Might be Neve. Neve Bock.
49:16 Speaker 00 Okay.
49:17 Speaker 01 Bill Ryder-Jones.
49:18 Speaker 00 Oh, I love Bill Ryder-Jones.
49:20 Speaker 01 Brown Horse, who are great.
49:20 Speaker 00 When's this?
49:22 Speaker 01 This is in October. Ezra Furman, Gweno.
49:24 Speaker 00 Oh, I love Gweno. She's the best, man.
49:27 Speaker 01 James Yorkston.
49:29 Speaker 00 What, like James Yorkston, Sir MacGreenman?
49:31 Speaker 01 Lots of Welsh language bands or Welsh bands that I think you would know.
49:35 Speaker 00 Where have you heard about this?
49:36 Speaker 01 But it's because of, and I, Molsog?
49:39 Speaker 00 Molsog, yeah.
49:42 Speaker 01 I, I don't think that is, no, it's, her name is N A I M A Bock.
49:48 Speaker 00 Oh, right.
49:49 Speaker 01 So it's Neimer, but I don't know how to say that name, so I apologise. But her album, oh my god, is absolutely superb.
49:59 Speaker 00 Can I have a look at the website for this?
50:01 Speaker 01 It's, her album is called Below a Massive Dark Land, and it's really brilliant. If you go to boyafestival.co.uk. There's some great acts on, so I am tempted, but it is miles away. Pictish Trail.
50:16 Speaker 00 Oh, I liked Pictish.
50:17 Speaker 01 Seamus Fogarty, who's amazing. Yeah.
50:21 Speaker 00 Great. So it's a fabulous place, St Davids. I'm very, very fond of St Davids. I had an amazing New Year's Eve there in 2006.
50:29 Speaker 03 Did you?
50:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:30 Speaker 03 So go and support Alice's Welsh stand-up.
50:33 Speaker 00 Oh, for god's sake, yeah. Please.
50:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:37 Speaker 00 Please.
50:38 Speaker 01 But just to be clear, there would be nothing in it for someone who doesn't speak Welsh?
50:41 Speaker 00 No, absolutely not. God, no. In fact, it'd be awful.
50:46 Speaker 01 How many words out of 10 would they be able to understand?
50:49 Speaker 00 I swear in English.
50:51 Speaker 01 Okay.
50:51 Speaker 00 Because Welsh, English swear words are better than Welsh ones. Welsh ones tend to be religious. So I, I effing eff in English.
50:59 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're welcome, yeah.
51:00 Speaker 00 See, that would be quite good fun. You could count them. But please don't count, because I need you to laugh, not count my swearing.
51:07 Speaker 01 Right, let's have another one of your emails. This is from Chris and it's in relation to my sock audit, which I've got to say has gone brilliantly.
51:18 Speaker 03 I've had people.
51:19 Speaker 01 Absolute game changer.
51:20 Speaker 03 I've had people texting me to ask what your sock brand of choice is and people guessing.
51:25 Speaker 01 Ah, well, we have to ring fence another section of the show. Well, I have a number of different socks in my collection.
51:34 Speaker 03 Okay, so you haven't just gone one brand?
51:36 Speaker 01 Well, for running, I use Seal Skins blister resistant or Ben Park's running blister resistant. For casual, I used to be a big Next guy.
51:49 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
51:51 Speaker 01 However, in terms of my go to crew, it's Stance.
51:57 Speaker 03 Okay.
51:58 Speaker 01 They're called Stance socks.
51:59 Speaker 03 So I'd say Stance.
52:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, Stance socks.
52:03 Speaker 03 I like, I use Pringle.
52:04 Speaker 01 Do you? You're a Pringle popper.
52:06 Speaker 03 I'm a Pringle guy. I'm a Pringle popper.
52:08 Speaker 01 What, so your sock, you can't stop?
52:09 Speaker 03 Yeah, correct.
52:10 Speaker 01 Ellis, your sock of choice?
52:12 Speaker 03 Nike. And I like a bit of Nike, of course. Don't, don't, do, do give it its proper branding title, please.
52:20 Speaker 01 So anyway, hello to the three kings of content. After hearing about John's sock audit last week, I had to get in touch to tell you about my pants situation. A few years ago, I had a thought. I love that this thought was a few years ago. What if I never had to wear bad pants ever again? The pants that always get shoved to the back of the drawer and only get worn on as a last resort when all others are in the laundry basket. I decided I no longer wanted to be someone who wore last resort pants. I decided to undertake the big pants reset.
52:50 Speaker 03 I did this six months ago. Superb. It's quite expensive though, isn't it, the old big pant reset?
52:55 Speaker 01 It's for pant peace of mind. I bought a couple of test pairs to assess their build quality and comfort. That's exactly what I did with my socks.
53:03 Speaker 03 Cool.
53:04 Speaker 01 And when I was sufficiently satisfied with their performance, I pulled the trigger and bought a dozen more. That's right. All my pants are mega pants.
53:13 Speaker 03 Makes them sound like they're all absolutely massive.
53:17 Speaker 01 It's a process I'd recommend to literally everybody. Having a drawer full of identical pants has given me peace of mind and is a small rock of stability in an increasingly chaotic and confusing world. Thanks for all the laughs and good vibes. I wish you luck on your own mega pants journey. Lots of love, Chris. You ca- I mean, you can put a price on it.
53:38 Speaker 00 It is good, I think, to keep two pairs of horrendous pants back. Because if you've got 12 pairs of mega pants, that's, you know, that, that, that's your day to day pants wearing. And what will happen if life becomes overwhelming?
53:58 Speaker 01 Or you soil yourself.
54:02 Speaker 00 The big 12 are out of action and then at the back of the drawer, you'll have a just in case pair of pants.
54:09 Speaker 01 Then why not just buy 14 mega pants?
54:11 Speaker 00 Because what happens is if you've, they're all in, they're all in play then. You need some pants that are not in play for the, it might only happen once a year.
54:22 Speaker 01 So you're not intending to use them?
54:24 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're, they're, they're, they're not even emergency pants. They're emergency, emergency pants. I had to use my emergency, emergency pants a couple of weeks ago. But I think- And I was actually glad I hadn't checked those ones out.
54:34 Speaker 01 What Chris is saying is that if you have two bad pairs, they will inevitably become part of the rotation.
54:42 Speaker 00 No, that's the thing. They don't because they're bad. But if you- So what happens is you're, I know, I know what you mean.
54:48 Speaker 01 If, because if it's like, oh, I need to do a wash because I've run out of great pants. Oh, I got my old crap.
54:53 Speaker 00 No, because you've got the 12 rotation pants and that's, you know, 99% of the time, they're the pants you're wearing.
54:59 Speaker 01 That's your starting lineup.
55:01 Speaker 00 That's your starting lineup. And then you'll be away or something would have happened. And you're like, oh my God. Or you might've been ill and you haven't done a wash. And you're like, oh my God, the big 12 are all soiled.
55:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, but then just have the big 14.
55:14 Speaker 00 No, no, no, but, but-
55:15 Speaker 01 Like name a 50 man squad.
55:19 Speaker 00 What happens is-
55:19 Speaker 01 Taken to the World Cup.
55:20 Speaker 00 Because then, as long as you're seeing your big 12 available, that you're kind of-
55:27 Speaker 00 I can't explain it.
55:28 Speaker 03 And that should be enough.
55:29 Speaker 00 There, there, there should be pants that you've forgotten about. And then on the rare occasions you haven't done a wash.
55:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
55:34 Speaker 00 It's just like an emergency stash.
55:36 Speaker 01 But only having mega pants means you're never in that situation because you're like, oh, I've, I'm running out tomorrow. I have to do a wash.
55:43 Speaker 00 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, but there have been times when I know that I'm running out, but I'm unwell or something, or I'm away and I haven't been able to do a wash. And then there's this weird sort of set of disgusting pants. I wouldn't even look at usually.
55:58 Speaker 01 I guess you are, um, you are allowing for failures that me and Chris wouldn't allow. And that's fair enough because that's your pant approach.
56:08 Speaker 00 But I want to talk about this failure will happen once an annum. Once per annum.
56:13 Speaker 01 It wouldn't happen once an annum for me.
56:18 Speaker 00 Per annum. Or once a year. Either way, I think I've got cognitive decline.
56:23 Speaker 03 No.
56:24 Speaker 00 Do you want to hear an example of my cognitive decline?
56:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:26 Speaker 00 I think I was comparing, yeah. And then another one. I was comparing the Bristol Comedy Garden last Saturday. Great fun, brilliant lineup.
56:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:35 Speaker 00 Lots of good comedians on the bill. Loved it. I was emceeing, I was doing a bit of chat and I chatted to a lady called Olivia. And I was trying to make the point that I like the name Olivia, but I don't like the name Oliver.
56:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:50 Speaker 01 Is this gonna be at the Royal Albert Hall?
56:51 Speaker 03 Sold out. We sold out now, John. We made a huge mistake.
56:55 Speaker 00 But then, but then as I, as I entered into my riff matrix, I couldn't remember which was the male one. I just knew it was the male one I didn't like. So I was like, oh, no, no, which one are you? She was like, Olivia.
57:08 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:09 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, which, which one don't I like? She was like, Oliver. I was like, yeah, yeah. I thought my, I need to go for a scan.
57:16 Speaker 01 Does Kitson know about this before he booked you for that festival?
57:19 Speaker 00 Um, it never happens in Welsh.
57:22 Speaker 01 No cognitive decline in Welsh.
57:23 Speaker 00 So weird.
57:24 Speaker 03 Well, that's good.
57:25 Speaker 00 I never forget words.
57:26 Speaker 03 That's encouraging.
57:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
57:29 Speaker 01 Well, like I would, I mean, listen to me on Duolingo. I'm all, all I am is cognitive decline in French.
57:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's really weird.
57:38 Speaker 01 Well, let's finish with a mad dad. And I believe, Dave, we've got a new licence free jingle.
57:45 Speaker 03 Oh, yes, for licensing reasons, we do have a new exciting mad dads jingle.
57:51 Speaker 01 My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it.
57:58 Speaker 00 Actual real wooden clods.
58:02 Speaker 01 And set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canapes.
58:06 Speaker 00 He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so onto the Timber Striker mad.
58:13 Speaker 01 That's a mad. That's a mad. Dads are mad.
58:21 Speaker 03 Don't mind it.
58:21 Speaker 01 I like that.
58:22 Speaker 03 Don't mind that one little bit.
58:23 Speaker 01 It's very Red Hot Chili Peppers. Give it away, give it away, give it away now.
58:28 Speaker 03 There are a bit of royal blood in there, but crucially, none of those.
58:31 Speaker 01 Yes, because it is licence free.
58:33 Speaker 03 No, it's.
58:34 Speaker 01 It's licensed, but it's copyright free.
58:36 Speaker 03 And we're subscribed.
58:37 Speaker 00 What was that Red Hot Chili Pepper song with the duff title?
58:41 Speaker 01 Oh, Melody and.
58:42 Speaker 03 Melody and the Hoobie Doobies or something.
58:44 Speaker 01 Something, yeah, Melody and.
58:47 Speaker 03 In B flat, B flat bonkers.
58:50 Speaker 01 Right then, this is from Izzy James. Coincidentally, the name that Ellis's wife could have had if she'd had any sense. What does that mean? I don't know.
59:04 Speaker 00 Did you say that? Was that an email?
59:06 Speaker 01 That's an email.
59:07 Speaker 00 Oh, it's you.
59:08 Speaker 01 No, God, no. I know how important Izzy's brand is to Ellis and Izzy Limited. Izzy says, shemai babans.
59:19 Speaker 00 Oh, hello, babies.
59:21 Speaker 01 I felt compelled to write in after listening to episode 519, in which John suggested someone should create the perfect gloop.
59:29 Speaker 01 I don't remember that. When you were questioning why the human race hasn't figured out a way of adding fibre to bacon. This really is all things to all people or nothing to no one. This show.
59:39 Speaker 00 What? I don't remember this. You.
59:41 Speaker 01 Why don't you just add fibre to bacon, I think I would say.
59:44 Speaker 00 What app was this? Normal bacon.
59:45 Speaker 01 Five one nine.
59:46 Speaker 00 It wasn't that long ago. To create a kind of mega breakfast food.
59:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:50 Speaker 00 Right, okay.
59:51 Speaker 01 Well, John, my dad is already one step ahead of you. After 70 years of tobacco, whisky, instant coffee and ready meals, it sounds like bliss. Dad decided it was time to get healthy.
1:00:02 Speaker 00 Fair play to him, I say, because an awful lot of people, once they get to 70, just don't care. But he's making an effort and I admire that.
1:00:10 Speaker 01 I'd withhold your fair plays till we get to the end. After a brief and misguided soup era, broccoli, a whole block of Stilton, sardines and veggie sausages blended.
1:00:21 Speaker 00 Oh my lord.
1:00:22 Speaker 01 He pivoted to his greatest invention, gloop. Gloop is essentially a smoothie, but it's also so much more than that. In goes, in goes a whole carton of soy milk, a lot of frozen fruit, date syrup, honey, agave.
1:00:38 Speaker 00 Agave, I think.
1:00:40 Speaker 01 Agave, a tiniest smidge of protein powder, dried apricots, olive oil, avocado, kiwi with a skin on, apple juice and Greek yogurt. Once blended, dad finds it too cold to drink. So here comes maybe the maddest bit of the whole procedure. He leaves the glass on the radiator for at least 50 minutes to warm up. As he drinks it, he repeatedly says, I think my body likes me having all the fruit.
1:01:05 Speaker 00 That's hilarious. That's so funny.
1:01:08 Speaker 01 Points at the glass going, look how thick it is. It's so gloopy. Dad is 72. Time will tell if he's accidentally invented the mega food. Ta-ra, Izzy James. I mean, if you break it down, soy milk, frozen fruit, date syrup, honey, agave, protein powder, dried apricots, olive oil, avocado, kiwi, apple juice and Greek yogurt. It sort of works.
1:01:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's better than, you know, a bowl of cringe and a cornflakes and a can of Monsters, isn't it?
1:01:36 Speaker 01 I think the soup is madder.
1:01:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:01:38 Speaker 01 Broccoli, a block of Stilton, sardines, veggie sausages blended up.
1:01:43 Speaker 00 Well, the broccoli and Stilton is a classic soup.
1:01:46 Speaker 01 A staple.
1:01:47 Speaker 00 But the chucking in the sardines.
1:01:50 Speaker 01 And the veggie sausages. Anyway, good luck to him. Well done.
1:01:54 Speaker 00 Mellow ship, slinky in B major.
1:01:55 Speaker 01 That's it.
1:01:58 Speaker 03 Of course.
1:02:00 Speaker 03 Speaking of great music, I'm off to Take That tonight.
1:02:03 Speaker 00 Are you?
1:02:04 Speaker 03 Yeah, I cannot wait.
1:02:05 Speaker 00 How many of the original members? Three?
1:02:07 Speaker 03 Three left.
1:02:08 Speaker 00 So no Robbie and no Jason Orange?
1:02:11 Speaker 03 No Jason.
1:02:12 Speaker 00 So it was Howard, Mark and?
1:02:14 Speaker 01 Howard Marks?
1:02:15 Speaker 03 No.
1:02:16 Speaker 00 Howard, Mark and Gary?
1:02:18 Speaker 03 Yes.
1:02:18 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:02:18 Speaker 03 Gary, you know you forgot Gary.
1:02:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, weird.
1:02:21 Speaker 03 Blimey. So me and Hannah watched the documentary a couple of weeks ago.
1:02:24 Speaker 00 It's great, isn't it?
1:02:25 Speaker 03 It's so good. And then I was very lucky to get tickets for this Friday, so Hannah's coming down. I was gonna surprise her. But then she saw me do a cheeky look at dad when she said, I'd love to go and watch Take That. And I looked at dad in a way that she's like, oh, clearly Dave's got me tickets for Take That. So the surprise was ruined within a minute.
1:02:41 Speaker 00 Where have you seen her? Seen them?
1:02:42 Speaker 03 London Stadium, West Ham.
1:02:44 Speaker 00 Good grief. I suppose they're a big deal.
1:02:46 Speaker 03 Well, they would have gone for Wembley, but Harry Styles is at Wembley.
1:02:50 Speaker 00 Wow.
1:02:50 Speaker 03 They would have done Wembley.
1:02:52 Speaker 01 Every train I'm on when I'm coming in and out of London is Styles to the max. Styles to the max. It's been Styles for weeks.
1:03:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, people with Styles flags.
1:03:03 Speaker 03 Well, he's doing like loads and loads of dates, isn't he? And then he's going to Madison Square Garden, doing loads and loads of dates. He's quite a big deal these days, old Styles.
1:03:11 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, I get a lot of Styles content because of when I did the Hackney half. I still get lots of running stuff on my Instagram.
1:03:18 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:03:19 Speaker 00 And he's, he's a sub three hour marathon guy.
1:03:21 Speaker 03 He's got fantastic legs.
1:03:22 Speaker 00 He's got nice legs and he wears really short shorts and is lovely to look at.
1:03:27 Speaker 03 Well, that's why I got my shorter shorts for the marathon based on Styles.
1:03:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:32 Speaker 03 But, you know, no one's got Styles's legs. So it's tricky.
1:03:36 Speaker 01 I'm trying to find my favourite TWOP TWIP, which is about Take That, but I can't find it anymore.
1:03:44 Speaker 03 A tip about Take That?
1:03:46 Speaker 01 TWOP TWIP.
1:03:47 Speaker 03 What was TWOP TWIP?
1:03:48 Speaker 01 A Viz, Viz's Top Tips.
1:03:50 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
1:03:51 Speaker 01 So funny, but I'm afraid it's eluding me, but it's about Take That and you too. Oh God, I'll find it.
1:03:59 Speaker 03 We'll get it, we'll get it and then drop it in. It's very exciting. I actually can't wait. The 25 year old Dave Masterman would pour scorn on that.
1:04:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:08 Speaker 03 He would look down on what I'm about to do and go, what are you doing? You're an indie lad.
1:04:13 Speaker 00 But they had some absolute tunes.
1:04:15 Speaker 03 Absolute bangers. So excited.
1:04:17 Speaker 00 Back for good, never forget.
1:04:19 Speaker 01 I've seen Take That, I saw them at Hyde Park.
1:04:22 Speaker 03 Did you?
1:04:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:23 Speaker 03 Were you good?
1:04:24 Speaker 01 Ah.
1:04:25 Speaker 03 Why were you there? Just out of interest.
1:04:26 Speaker 01 It was, uh, wasn't my choice. It was a prior associate's choice.
1:04:30 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:04:32 Speaker 01 What was odd is that they like opened with this sort of classical pianist on his own, sort of for quite a while.
1:04:38 Speaker 00 Oh, he's called Gary Barlow.
1:04:42 Speaker 01 Um, and, uh, but yeah, they were good. The songs are fantastic.
1:04:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, big old hits. It's like a show apparently. Like it's more of a show than it is a gig.
1:04:51 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:04:51 Speaker 03 Because of the visuals and stuff, so.
1:04:54 Speaker 00 It's gonna be dead, dead art.
1:04:55 Speaker 03 It's gonna be dead, dead art, but by that time of the evening, it's just the sun setting. It's just, which is my favourite part of the day. It's been hot all day, but it's starting to cool off. I think it's perfect.
1:05:04 Speaker 00 Oh, they're going to London Stadium in October and January. Oh no, in January, because Swansea are playing West Ham.
1:05:09 Speaker 03 There you go.
1:05:10 Speaker 00 Yeah, because West Ham have got relegated, Dave.
1:05:12 Speaker 03 Of course, of course, yeah.
1:05:13 Speaker 00 Can't wait.
1:05:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, nice. What are you doing this weekend, John?
1:05:20 Speaker 01 Nothing.
1:05:21 Speaker 00 Nothing.
1:05:23 Speaker 01 Absolutely nothing. And I could not be happier.
1:05:27 Speaker 03 Yeah, fine.
1:05:30 Speaker 03 That's, that's it then.
1:05:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, thank you very much, John.
1:05:32 Speaker 01 I've gotta find this.
1:05:33 Speaker 03 We've lost John's top twip.
1:05:36 Speaker 01 I've got a screenshot of it.
1:05:37 Speaker 00 To find his top twip.
1:05:39 Speaker 01 But it's, maybe I can, oh, good grief. And I deleted the WhatsApp group it was posted on. Don't worry, just bear with me for half an hour.
1:05:49 Speaker 03 Have you Googled Take That top twips?
1:05:51 Speaker 01 Yes. Ah, here we go, I've got it!
1:05:53 Speaker 03 Got it, I'm glad for that.
1:05:55 Speaker 01 I have never been a fan of U2 or Take That. Several years ago, my two children bought a copy of U2's latest album and Take That's Back For Good single from our local HMV. What I said to them was this, "U2 can take back U2 and Back For Good by Take That, Back For Good and That."
1:06:15 Speaker 01 I still find this amusing. Do I win a fiver?
1:06:19 Speaker 03 How is that lodged in your?
1:06:20 Speaker 00 Brain, when did you last read that?
1:06:22 Speaker 01 That was in Viz in like the early 2000s.
1:06:24 Speaker 00 Really? And that's still in your head?
1:06:27 Speaker 01 You two can take back, you two and Back for Good by Take That, Back for Good and That.
1:06:34 Speaker 01 Though I remember the one of the most I've ever laughed at Viz was an article about a guy finding ant from ant and deck in his cream egg.
1:06:43 Speaker 01 Kept using the phrase ant from ant.
1:06:46 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah, that's good.
1:06:47 Speaker 01 Oh, good stuff.
1:06:49 Speaker 00 Okay, well, that's John satisfied. Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back with you. And the Bureau de Change at the mine tomorrow. And then, of course, on Tuesday. Goodbye.
1:06:58 Speaker 01 Bye.
1:07:13 Speaker 00 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.
1:07:22 Speaker 00 Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.
1:07:26 Speaker 02 They said, you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble.
1:07:28 Speaker 00 But was he set up?
1:07:29 Speaker 02 Wanted art fled to fall of two cops.
1:07:32 Speaker 00 His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime. You're not going to end up going to prison, do you, kidlet? I'm Josie Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
1:07:48 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening to the show, and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.
1:07:54 Speaker 00 And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.
1:07:59 Speaker 01 Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch, and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.
Previous #551 - Bumsyl, A Mind STD and Switchblade and Porky in Space Next #553 - The Orbit of Peel, Potentials & Tangentials and WD-Phwoarty Page updated October 29, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated