Pod Insights Elis James and John Robins #551 - Bumsyl, A Mind STD and Switchblade and Porky in Space About this episode After a bout of promiscuous and unprotected thinking, John’s been in a panic sphere. He’s only gone and given himself a mind STD, but could some watermelon body wash be to blame?
All this leads to a full circle moment for Elis. He might be headlining the Royal Albert Hall next year, but is the realisation of his long-touted ‘health podcast’ actually his career zenith?
Listener JB sends in a cracking impressions-based Made Up Game, and we take a harrowing trip down John’s Shame Well.
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17 July - Yr Garth Theatre Pontypridd
18 July - Llanover Hall Theatre, Cardiff https://www.ticketsource.com/beastlymedia/t-dkjmmxp
23 July - Always Be Comedy, Kennington https://www.alwaysbecomedy.com/tickets
26 July - Stanley Halls, South Norwood https://stanleyarts.org/event/elis-james-welsh-language-stand-up-greatest-hits-live-work-in-progress/
1 August - London Welsh Centre, London https://www.ticketsource.com/londonwelshcentre
2 August - London Welsh Centre, London https://www.ticketsource.com/londonwelshcentre
3 August - Always Be Comedy, Kennington https://www.alwaysbecomedy.com/tickets
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Transcript 12,033 words · 6 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.
0:04 Speaker 01 If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...
0:10 Speaker 00 Mini Olympics.
0:11 Speaker 01 It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.
0:14 Speaker 00 Bird watching.
0:15 Speaker 02 My two favourite things are birds and football.
0:18 Speaker 01 And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.
0:22 Speaker 02 So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.
0:26 Speaker 01 Ellis is there as well, Dave.
0:27 Speaker 02 We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.
0:32 Speaker 00 So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.
0:55 Speaker 01 Well, there's no escaping the fact that today we're starting with a trailer for a new film.
1:02 Speaker 01 Coming soon in cinemas this summer. Ellis and John: Jupiter Rising. Well, Prime Minister, it's very kind of you to go to all this trouble.
1:14 Speaker 02 Robins, it's the least I could do. Your skill and discretion have saved the government, and I have no doubt in my mind when I say this, the country too.
1:22 Speaker 01 Prime Minister, please. I was just doing my duty.
1:27 Speaker 02 What I don't understand is how you managed to solve the mystery and trap the criminals whilst winning five gold medals in the handsomeness Olympics and hosting international mega-geniuses at a cleverness convention.
1:39 Speaker 01 Well, everyone has their skill sets, sir. Yours are diplomacy, delegation, and if I may say, a bloody good sense of intuition. Mine just happened to be handsomeness, cleverness, and crime fighting.
1:51 Speaker 00 And powerlifting and kissing.
1:52 Speaker 01 Thank you, Porkins.
1:54 Speaker 00 The way you kissed that girl at the top, a big Ben with the head of the crime gang trussed up like a kipper. Well, I've never seen the likes, sir.
1:59 Speaker 01 That will be all, Porky.
2:04 Speaker 02 Robins, if I may be so bold, why do you take this du-
2:09 Speaker 02 Let me start again. He gave us these two seconds before the bl- intro started. I wouldn't have minded reading this. Robins, if I may be so bold, why do you take this dunderhead with you everywhere? He does give off an awful pong.
2:23 Speaker 01 Porkins, he has his uses. He is strong of thigh and big of bum. He has surprising stamina in a pinch, and his simple mind is a very useful sounding board when my brain is overrun with calculations and plans. Think of him as a blank canvas on which I paint my masterpiece.
2:42 Speaker 02 Yes, this is the Prime Minister. Yes, it is he. Switching to a secure line. What is it? Where? When? How? Yes, I have him here. Hold the line. Robins, it's Alpha Base.
2:57 Speaker 01 Alpha Base, Ganymede, 628 million kilometres from Earth, 14 infinitum mines, six processing plants, population 1,400 operatives. The last strategic ba-
3:10 Speaker 01 The last strategic base before the Borken Quadrant and the largest on Jupiter's moons.
3:15 Speaker 02 Robins, it's Fallen.
3:16 Speaker 00 What's going on? What's all this talk of bases in Jupiter?
3:19 Speaker 02 Robins, can you help?
3:21 Speaker 00 Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Jupiter? Moons, bases?
3:25 Speaker 01 Porky, there's something you should know about me.
3:31 Speaker 01 It's not just here on Earth as I fight crime. I'm a space cop.
3:36 Speaker 02 And not just any space cop. Robins, it's time Porky knows the truth. Put on your ribbed leather jacket, cool wraparound shades and digital watch. Pork, this man is the best space cop in the Milky Way. His name is legend from Proxima Centauri to Bet- Bet-
3:54 Speaker 01 Beetlejuice.
3:56 Speaker 02 His name is legend from Proxima Centauri to Beetlejuice, and the universe has never needed him more.
4:03 Speaker 01 Prime Minister, there's only one choice. It's time to reopen Operation Black Ops Megaforce A Plus Elite.
4:09 Speaker 02 But it's too dangerous, Robins.
4:12 Speaker 01 The man who walked into your office this morning was called Robins. The man who walks out is Switchblade.
4:21 Speaker 00 Right, two questions.
4:22 Speaker 01 Just the two?
4:23 Speaker 00 Well, I've got one observation and a question. Observation, we ran out of the space music, it was such a long script. And I met a bloke at a gym the other day. And he said, what do you do for a living? I said, I do a podcast. We're on, we're actually on Five Live on a Friday. And I said, I'll be in the car, I'll have to listen. What's he gonna make of this?
4:40 Speaker 01 Well, he's gonna be like, when can I see this film?
4:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:44 Speaker 01 There's intrigue, there's mystery, there's kissing.
4:47 Speaker 00 I just don't think it's the best introduction to what we do.
4:51 Speaker 01 Well, that's, I can't keep introducing people to what we do. We've been doing it for 12 years.
4:56 Speaker 02 There comes a point when they just have to be on board.
4:58 Speaker 00 Well, you've just got to write a Space Cup film.
5:00 Speaker 01 Well, what, but he's solved a mystery. It starts with the end of the mystery being solved.
5:05 Speaker 00 It's great script writing, actually.
5:06 Speaker 01 And then there's a bigger mystery.
5:08 Speaker 00 All right then, okay, well, I'll write a film next, next week.
5:11 Speaker 02 Great.
5:11 Speaker 01 Porkins writes his own film? That's, no one's gonna watch Porkins's Tale. It'll be like, well, some miserable gritty drama.
5:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:20 Speaker 01 They want Robins, they want Switchblade, they want Jupiter.
5:22 Speaker 00 It's gonna be Kitchen Sink. Porkins's drama's gonna be Kitchen Sink. It's gonna be A Taste of Honey But Sadder and set in radio.
5:30 Speaker 02 Okay.
5:31 Speaker 00 Maybe, don't know, don't hold me to that.
5:33 Speaker 02 We're like, you'd be like Joey, the spin off to Friends. Is that what Porkins is?
5:37 Speaker 00 What, underrated? Underrated and a bit of a hospital pass for the writers.
5:44 Speaker 02 Who's Porkins then? Is he like your sidekick?
5:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, he's like a sort of henchman.
5:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:48 Speaker 02 I was the prime minister.
5:49 Speaker 00 I've played the henchman before.
5:50 Speaker 01 You'd be a good henchman.
5:51 Speaker 00 It's the show for my range.
5:53 Speaker 02 Okay, and you walk off as Switchblade. So there's a sequel, I mean, you've left it open.
5:57 Speaker 01 Well, that's the trailer.
5:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course.
5:59 Speaker 01 That's the start, Switchblade and Porky in space.
6:02 Speaker 02 Yeah. Good.
6:04 Speaker 00 A lot of your filmic references are like to blockbusters.
6:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
6:08 Speaker 00 And like sci fi stuff. Do you read a lot of like Philip K. Dick?
6:12 Speaker 01 Not at all. And that's the great thing about sci fi, it's so easy.
6:17 Speaker 01 You know, it's a ribbed leather jacket, wraparound shades and a digital watch.
6:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:21 Speaker 01 And that's a space cop.
6:22 Speaker 00 Because you often, when you have to improvise, you end up going and taking it as sort of Arthur C Clarke.
6:27 Speaker 01 Never heard of him.
6:28 Speaker 00 Direction. Interesting.
6:29 Speaker 01 Yeah. So yeah, that is the trailer to Jupiter Rising, the first film in the Ellison John franchise.
6:36 Speaker 00 It is also a good title for that kind of stuff.
6:39 Speaker 01 Thank you.
6:39 Speaker 02 And what is it? Netflix, BBC, iPlayer?
6:42 Speaker 01 Across everything.
6:43 Speaker 00 All of them.
6:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, like Live Aid.
6:45 Speaker 00 It's the first Apple, Disney, Amazon Prime, Netflix, iPlayer, ITV Hub, what the Channel Four one is called.
6:53 Speaker 01 Dave, the budget is a hundred billion dollars, a portion of which goes to charity.
6:59 Speaker 02 I don't know whether a hundred billion's big anymore. It is big.
7:01 Speaker 00 A hundred billion would be quite a lot for a lot.
7:05 Speaker 02 You're getting a lot for, you get a good bang for your buck for that.
7:07 Speaker 00 Yeah, but I tell you one thing, the director gets what they want.
7:10 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. I also direct.
7:13 Speaker 00 Do you?
7:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:14 Speaker 00 Okay.
7:14 Speaker 02 Annoyingly.
7:15 Speaker 00 The Clint Eastwood of sci-fi.
7:16 Speaker 01 Big time.
7:16 Speaker 00 Annoyingly, I think, this is how I feel about John as a director. He'd actually be a very good director for about two hours of the day. And they are long days. So a normal shooting day for like a film would be, he'd be on the camera at eight.
7:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:32 Speaker 00 And he'd just stop shooting at 7pm. And you, obviously you've got to know what you're doing and you've got to prep for the following days. They are, they're long days for directors and that's what I think would hold John back. I reckon between, on a Wednesday nap, prison?
7:46 Speaker 01 Oh, like three till 4.30.
7:50 Speaker 00 Okay, I reckon 11 until 1, he'd be quite good.
7:53 Speaker 01 Oh, but lunch in there and I do sometimes get very depressed after eating.
7:56 Speaker 00 Okay, 11 until midday, he'd be quite good.
7:59 Speaker 01 That's the golden hour.
8:01 Speaker 00 When you do your big scenes.
8:02 Speaker 01 Bring me problems between 11 and 12, or when I'm eating a brownie, but not too long afterwards.
8:07 Speaker 02 Yeah. And what would be your approach as director? Are you, are you kind of arm around the shoulder? You know, you're their mate? Or are you like the silent kind of, you know, they're a bit scared of you?
8:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm distant.
8:18 Speaker 02 Yes.
8:18 Speaker 01 Uh, I've got my own Winnebago with shower, aircon and lots of Diet Cokes.
8:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:25 Speaker 01 And.
8:26 Speaker 02 Show these throngs there.
8:27 Speaker 01 When, when I walk on.
8:29 Speaker 00 Quite burpy on set.
8:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:32 Speaker 01 When I walk on set, there are certain rules.
8:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:37 Speaker 01 Um, you know, everyone stands.
8:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:40 Speaker 01 Unless they're sitting in the scene.
8:42 Speaker 00 And people aren't allowed to turn around when they walk away from you, like with the Queen.
8:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, they gotta walk backwards.
8:46 Speaker 00 Gotta walk backwards.
8:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, so there's an awful lot of like, look out, there's a camera here.
8:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's cables everywhere, yeah.
8:53 Speaker 02 And you will not walk downstairs. You have to kind of be carried down the stairs.
8:56 Speaker 01 But.
8:57 Speaker 00 Petals everywhere.
8:58 Speaker 01 That, well, then when I turn on the warmth, I get my best out of my actors.
9:02 Speaker 00 Yes.
9:03 Speaker 01 Um, so there you go.
9:05 Speaker 00 Great.
9:06 Speaker 01 Good stuff.
9:07 Speaker 02 Um, well, that's one tease for something that's coming. There is another, we need to pay off another tease.
9:12 Speaker 00 Not coming, Dave.
9:12 Speaker 01 It is coming. Cinema's this July.
9:15 Speaker 00 You were part, you're acting in it. You're in the film, Ellis. Sorry, can you call it acting if you're reading it for the first time? I suppose sight reading.
9:22 Speaker 01 It's a sight read. It's a chemistry test.
9:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:24 Speaker 01 And Dave's got the part.
9:26 Speaker 00 Thanks, John. Thanks, mate.
9:27 Speaker 01 You know, we might see a couple of other people for Porkins.
9:30 Speaker 00 Yeah. What sort of people then?
9:32 Speaker 02 Ivo would do a good Porkins.
9:34 Speaker 01 I think Ivo sounds too posh.
9:36 Speaker 00 Tony Robinson?
9:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, Tony Robinson, but 30 years ago for Porkins.
9:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, that sort of thing.
9:42 Speaker 00 Okay.
9:43 Speaker 01 Lloyd Griffith.
9:45 Speaker 00 He'd be good Porkins.
9:46 Speaker 01 Be a good Porkins.
9:46 Speaker 02 Good Porkins. Um, you teased ahead, you, you, you did a share driver on Friday's app of something that wasn't going to make it into John Wins Again.
9:55 Speaker 01 Sounds like something that protects your hard drive from your wife.
10:00 Speaker 01 What's a share driver?
10:02 Speaker 00 How do I get one?
10:07 Speaker 02 It's, it's, it's annoying radio lingo. I don't actually know what it means. I need to stop saying it.
10:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:12 Speaker 02 Um, you did, you said on Friday, I'm going to save this for Tuesday's app. This won't go in John Wins Again.
10:17 Speaker 00 It was a Wins Again.
10:18 Speaker 01 No, I can't.
10:19 Speaker 00 It was a John Wins Again score draw. So it's ambiguous. You don't know if it's a win or a loss.
10:24 Speaker 01 Well, it's my major anecdote from the week, but it is, um.
10:28 Speaker 00 Well, my major anecdote was eating gravel, so let's hear yours.
10:31 Speaker 01 Okay. Have you ever given yourself a mind STD?
10:39 Speaker 00 Yes, loads.
10:42 Speaker 00 Got one now.
10:44 Speaker 02 I don't know. Tell me more.
10:46 Speaker 00 And it stings when I think.
10:48 Speaker 01 Exactly, exactly. That's at the heart of all human suffering. It stings when I think.
10:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:56 Speaker 01 My week has been overtaken by the fact I gave myself a mind STD.
11:00 Speaker 00 Okay.
11:02 Speaker 01 So why are you making that face?
11:05 Speaker 00 Because what's that mean? It doesn't mean anything.
11:08 Speaker 01 So I was in bed on.
11:11 Speaker 02 Because S stands for sexually, doesn't it?
11:13 Speaker 01 Big time.
11:13 Speaker 02 And this is, you still want it to be called.
11:15 Speaker 01 What does the T stand for?
11:16 Speaker 02 Transmitted.
11:17 Speaker 01 And the D?
11:17 Speaker 02 Disease.
11:18 Speaker 01 And you can't spell de-stigmatise without STD.
11:23 Speaker 00 No.
11:25 Speaker 01 So.
11:25 Speaker 02 Come on then.
11:26 Speaker 01 I was in bed on Monday and I thought, I was about 11 o'clock and I thought, God, I need another bloody wee.
11:31 Speaker 00 Engaging in some promiscuous mind sex and protected.
11:35 Speaker 01 I thought I need another bloody wee. God, what is, it's a bloody 44, eh? So I've done three wees already tonight. So I got out of bed and did my wee and I thought, it's quite a small wee. Never mind. That's just what life is like at this age.
11:49 Speaker 02 Are you saying all this out loud?
11:50 Speaker 01 Well, pretty much. Why not?
11:51 Speaker 02 Why not?
11:52 Speaker 01 Then I get into bed and think, that wee stung a bit.
11:56 Speaker 02 Okay, this just sounds like an STD at this stage, John.
12:00 Speaker 01 Four blooming wees before bed and it stings a bit, eh? God, that's what life's like, isn't it? Do you know what? I'll just have a little Google.
12:07 Speaker 00 My blooming mind at it again.
12:11 Speaker 01 I'll have a little Google at half eleven. Oh, I'm in hell. I'm Googling and I'm in hell.
12:19 Speaker 02 Don't Google it, mate.
12:20 Speaker 00 An unprotected think.
12:22 Speaker 01 So I enter into a panic sphere.
12:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:29 Speaker 01 Which is sort of one of the biggest panic spheres of recent months.
12:32 Speaker 02 Okay.
12:34 Speaker 01 And I was like, well, you've, obviously this is, because I'm, you know, I'm very conscientious in my private life and, you know.
12:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you ponder, you rubber up.
12:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, big time. I like to protect my thoughts.
12:48 Speaker 02 Understood, understood.
12:50 Speaker 01 So I get in a big panic. My heart starts racing. I'm Googling clinics. I'm thinking, how could this have happened? I'm catastrophising.
13:00 Speaker 00 Yes.
13:00 Speaker 01 Where is DEFCON one? So I think, well, you know, I'm an adult, need to get this sorted. So I'm Googling options. Obviously, I want the closest, most discreet and quickest.
13:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:11 Speaker 01 That turns out to be very expensive. The next appointment.
13:15 Speaker 00 Remind STD.
13:16 Speaker 01 Well, the two days time is the appointment. You've got to go that, then you get two days till you get your results. So I'm in a state of high stress for four days.
13:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:26 Speaker 01 Anyway, it turns out it was just a mind STD because completely clear on everything. And best guess is it's due to a recent change in my body wash.
13:38 Speaker 00 Ah, yeah.
13:39 Speaker 01 Yeah. Because I've always used a fragrance free body wash. And recently I thought I'd treat myself to some watermelon scented body wash. That's created a stinging sensation, which I'm reassured will pass by both a GP and ChatGPT. But it did cost me 520 quid to find that out.
13:58 Speaker 00 Oh, my goodness me. So you've been washing your bits with watermelon.
14:04 Speaker 01 Hmm.
14:05 Speaker 00 And now your bit stings so much, you gave yourself a mind STD.
14:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, I gave myself an STD of the mind.
14:10 Speaker 00 Oh, dear, dear, dear.
14:12 Speaker 02 But good news is not, you know, good is not anything more serious.
14:15 Speaker 01 Okay, here's how to cheer me up. Who on this podcast knows for a fact they don't have gonorrhea?
14:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, you, 100%.
14:27 Speaker 02 Can I, can I put my hand up?
14:28 Speaker 01 For a fact, Dave.
14:29 Speaker 00 Ah, damn it.
14:30 Speaker 01 Who at this table knows for a fact they don't have syphilis? Oh, only me.
14:36 Speaker 00 I can't put my hand up.
14:37 Speaker 01 He can't put his hand up, Dave.
14:38 Speaker 00 I can't put my hand up, Reclimidia.
14:40 Speaker 02 We are riddled.
14:42 Speaker 01 So obviously, exactly the right thing to do, you know, being a conscientious adult. And no, no shame in this house, but it was all an invention of my mind.
14:54 Speaker 00 So you would have, a more cost effective way would have been to wait until the next morning and go to your local STI clinic. They also don't call them STDs anymore. That's very 90s or STIs now.
15:06 Speaker 01 But that would have been going into London in disguise.
15:09 Speaker 00 But isn't, there must be one in your local town or near you.
15:12 Speaker 01 No, there's not really.
15:13 Speaker 00 Is there not?
15:13 Speaker 01 No.
15:15 Speaker 00 Okay.
15:16 Speaker 01 And you can't get them done at your GP surgery. In my case, I don't know what your GP surgery is like, you, brackets, general public.
15:24 Speaker 02 So did you have to, did you have to go through the full procedure though? As in?
15:28 Speaker 01 It's just a wee test.
15:29 Speaker 02 Oh, is it?
15:30 Speaker 00 Yeah, they haven't done that procedure since the Second World War, Dave.
15:33 Speaker 02 They have?
15:34 Speaker 00 They have.
15:36 Speaker 02 They bloody have.
15:37 Speaker 00 No, no, I think it's rarer these days.
15:39 Speaker 02 Oh, is it? That's good news.
15:41 Speaker 00 Because that, yeah, yeah. Bit of fun that one.
15:43 Speaker 02 Uncomfortable.
15:44 Speaker 01 But it was extremely stressful four days because I still had the, the symptoms that I thought were the.
15:51 Speaker 00 Because you were still using the watermelon and body wash.
15:53 Speaker 01 Well, exactly. And also if you irritate sensitive areas, it doesn't just clear up immediately. It takes a while to sort of chill out.
16:01 Speaker 00 So how are you wee's at the moment?
16:02 Speaker 01 Fine.
16:03 Speaker 00 But wait.
16:03 Speaker 01 But the problem is, here's the problem. If I say to you enough times, do you have a headache? Do you have a headache? Check. Really think about your head. Eventually you will feel like you've got a headache.
16:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:15 Speaker 01 So once you're like really concentrating, especially on such a sensitive part of your body going, did that last wee sting?
16:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:22 Speaker 01 I think it probably.
16:22 Speaker 00 But also I suppose.
16:23 Speaker 01 But it could have just been dehydrated.
16:25 Speaker 00 There's two things going on here because you were wheeing more often than you do because you are the camel comedian.
16:31 Speaker 01 Big time.
16:31 Speaker 00 I've, John, he's a, maybe two a week. I've never seen anyone like it.
16:36 Speaker 01 Well, as I said, dehydration could have been an issue.
16:39 Speaker 00 So the, the more, the wheeing more than usual is a symptom, as is the stinging, which was caused by watermelons.
16:46 Speaker 01 Caused by watermelons and potentially our old friend dehydration. Because if you dehydrated, your wee sting's a bit more.
16:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:54 Speaker 00 But you're, you're okay.
16:55 Speaker 01 I'm absolutely fine, but I just had a complete, a mad week of stress, purely an invention of my own mind.
17:04 Speaker 00 There's got to be a happy medium, isn't there? Between the catastrophizer.
17:09 Speaker 01 Hmm.
17:10 Speaker 00 And the person who just doesn't care and doesn't think about it and doesn't.
17:13 Speaker 01 Ellis.
17:14 Speaker 00 And who doesn't get anything checked.
17:16 Speaker 01 This is exactly what I was talking about with my therapist.
17:19 Speaker 00 Okay.
17:20 Speaker 01 It's called Ooma, the middle way.
17:22 Speaker 00 That's a taste, isn't it?
17:23 Speaker 01 No, it's a mommy.
17:26 Speaker 01 Uma Thurman.
17:27 Speaker 00 Yes.
17:28 Speaker 01 Named after the Buddhist phrase for the middle way because her dad was quite a famous Buddhist practitioner.
17:35 Speaker 00 Oh, right. Okay. I didn't know that.
17:37 Speaker 01 So it's between over attachment.
17:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:40 Speaker 01 Like going mad or complete non-attachment. I don't care. Is the middle way.
17:45 Speaker 00 Because also, I mean, to be serious for a second, a lot of people, men especially, don't check stuff out and then it's too late.
17:53 Speaker 01 Yes. You don't want to be too middle way. You want to veer towards over-attachment to outcomes in this situation because you want to be responsible. But yeah, I, I, I, the only way I could get myself to sleep was by, um, just repeating, mind is thinking, mind is catastrophizing, mind is panicking, mind is planning, mind is rehearsing.
18:17 Speaker 00 And that works.
18:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, it did actually.
18:18 Speaker 00 Did it?
18:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, do it once with every breath. See where your mind goes in the middle. Anyway, it's been an adventure.
18:24 Speaker 00 Because also, like, especially with the kids.
18:27 Speaker 01 We should have done it as a Patreon special.
18:33 Speaker 01 Oh, my goodness.
18:34 Speaker 00 Why aren't you filming this, John? I, I mean, I mean, I'm not, I'm not saying it won't happen eventually when we run out of ideas.
18:42 Speaker 01 It's the furthest behind the scenes any podcast has ever gone.
18:45 Speaker 00 The three of us could go and get an STI check.
18:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:48 Speaker 00 And then we could do it in a two-parter and then the results could be the cliffhanger.
18:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:52 Speaker 00 We could all be given envelopes to open.
18:55 Speaker 01 It's that's responsible broadcasting.
18:56 Speaker 00 Next week.
18:57 Speaker 01 It's very responsible. Dave, we could get sponsored by Bupa.
19:01 Speaker 00 Or Jurex. Yes.
19:02 Speaker 01 Or Jurex or not going to name the.
19:06 Speaker 00 Sounds a little bit like we're doing a health podcast.
19:10 Speaker 01 Now we are.
19:11 Speaker 00 My idea, it comes full circle.
19:15 Speaker 01 The health, the sexual health podcast.
19:17 Speaker 00 Health podcast.
19:17 Speaker 01 That's not a bad idea, Dave, but that they can't.
19:20 Speaker 00 This guy.
19:20 Speaker 01 Well, that's more specific than a health podcast.
19:23 Speaker 00 Sexual health is health.
19:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is.
19:26 Speaker 00 That would have been one of your episodes for your more generic. Exactly. Then we chuck a bit of sun cream in there and, you know, headaches.
19:32 Speaker 01 Okay, Dave.
19:32 Speaker 00 Bad feet.
19:33 Speaker 01 Sun creaming. What do you mean?
19:35 Speaker 00 Sun cream ep, bad feet ep, sexual health ep, I, I ache ep.
19:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:41 Speaker 00 We're back here again.
19:42 Speaker 01 Falling off ep.
19:42 Speaker 00 There we go. Wallop, wallop, wallop.
19:45 Speaker 01 Wallop, wallop, wallop. Call it that.
19:48 Speaker 00 Fish bash posh.
19:49 Speaker 01 Great. So we'll do.
19:50 Speaker 00 An adventures app on sexual health.
19:53 Speaker 01 Where we all get STD checks.
19:54 Speaker 00 Where we all get STD checks.
19:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:56 Speaker 00 Crucially, crucially.
19:58 Speaker 01 Where we all get STDs. Follow us for a week stopping at every service.
20:02 Speaker 00 We're given 24 hours to give ourselves an STI.
20:06 Speaker 01 Race to it.
20:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:10 Speaker 01 Oh, dear.
20:11 Speaker 00 It's all content. But, you know, thankfully you're all right.
20:14 Speaker 01 Oh, God, yeah, I'm great. I've never been better.
20:16 Speaker 00 Never been better.
20:17 Speaker 01 That's lovely.
20:18 Speaker 00 Also, like, taking the kids to the doctor a couple of times when there's been nothing wrong with them. And they never, the doctors never mind because they want you to be well. Oh, yeah. They do want to say, oh, nice one. You're really ill. Great. I get to do a bit of work. They're like, good, no, actually, it's fine.
20:34 Speaker 01 Oh, no. Also, you know, in this area, there's never, there's never a bad time to get an STD check.
20:40 Speaker 00 No, absolutely not. No.
20:41 Speaker 01 Apart, I mean, maybe not on your wedding day.
20:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, during an exam.
20:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, but there's never a bad thing to do.
20:48 Speaker 00 No, no, it's good. You could walk out, you could walk down the aisle to people reading out the results. Clamidia, negative, way. Gonorrhea, negative, way.
21:07 Speaker 01 Right, it's time for Ellis to attempt to connect. Picture the scene. A man sits at the end of a table nervously rubbing his face. There's tension in the air. He tries to tap into his Welsh core. He thinks of male voice choirs, of cockles, of Robson Khanu's goal against Belgium.
21:24 Speaker 00 Great goal.
21:25 Speaker 01 He cycles through every Welsh town he can think of. Barmouth, Rimney, Tony Pandey. He has a, he has a map and mind map that can help him in his quest, but he sure as hell isn't going to use them. A caller waits on the end of a Zoom call. They're ready to tell a grown man their age and where they went to school. What happens next is anyone's guess. It's time for the Cymru Connection.
21:47 Speaker 03 Another Cymru Connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection. But his questions have one direction. Where did you go to school? Do you know David Evans? No. Come on, mate, you must do. No, we've never met at all.
22:16 Speaker 01 Before we get into this week's connection, a message from a previous connectee, 11-year-old Evan. Evan says, Dear Ellis and John, thank you for having me on the Cymru Connection in April. I enjoyed it very much. I got the Holy Vible for my birthday from my uncle and I'm enjoying it.
22:30 Speaker 00 That's a gift from eBay.
22:32 Speaker 01 Yeah. I want to check, what's the content advisory on the Holy Vible? There is a chapter on what to do if your mental health suffers, which is good. Not no bad thing to have in your life.
22:43 Speaker 00 Is there a chapter on, like, making love?
22:46 Speaker 01 Yes.
22:47 Speaker 02 There is a track chapter on...
22:49 Speaker 01 There is a chapter that Ellis and I improvised about lovemaking, which in retrospect was a bold move.
22:55 Speaker 00 Yeah. Especially considering what you've been worrying about for the last five days.
23:00 Speaker 01 We also use cricket and spin bowling as an analogy for lovemaking at one point.
23:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
23:07 Speaker 02 Chang Gate was a chapter, I think, wasn't it?
23:09 Speaker 01 Yes, which Evan is a beer brand.
23:12 Speaker 00 Absolutely. Evan's mum Jude wrote a great piece in The Quietus about Olivia Rodrigo. So shout out to Evan's mum.
23:19 Speaker 01 She also wrote a pretty decent piece in The Observer about one of yours truly, John Robbins.
23:24 Speaker 00 Yes, that is true.
23:25 Speaker 01 It's actually really well-written.
23:26 Speaker 00 Yes, I did enjoy it.
23:27 Speaker 01 Quite like the photos.
23:30 Speaker 01 Sitting in a wood, Dave, in the rain.
23:32 Speaker 00 Were you?
23:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, like a gnome with a good jacket.
23:35 Speaker 00 Did you want it to be raining or was that...
23:37 Speaker 01 No, we just ran with it. There's also a photo of me under a rainbow.
23:40 Speaker 00 Oh, that's nice.
23:41 Speaker 01 Because there's a rainbow while we were doing the photo shoot.
23:43 Speaker 00 Looks like AI.
23:46 Speaker 01 Unfortunately, Evan continues, the big round Camembert's man isn't at the abug of any market anymore. Ellis, Wales is moving on without you.
23:55 Speaker 00 Don't say that. I hate it when people say that.
23:56 Speaker 01 But it is true.
23:57 Speaker 00 Don't say that. I hate it when people say that.
23:59 Speaker 02 How often are people saying that to you?
24:00 Speaker 00 People say it to me all the time.
24:01 Speaker 02 What, Wales is moving on without you?
24:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:03 Speaker 02 Really?
24:03 Speaker 00 Don't say it, Dave.
24:05 Speaker 01 Ellis, Wales is unrecognisable to you.
24:07 Speaker 00 Don't say it.
24:09 Speaker 01 Dave, what would you feel like if you couldn't see the evolution of your home country?
24:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:14 Speaker 01 It's been a bit of a horror show over the last 10 years, actually, to be fair.
24:17 Speaker 00 I would have minded.
24:19 Speaker 01 I could actually would have liked to have missed out on a lot of what's going on in this place. Unfortunately, the big round Camembert's man isn't at the abug of any market anymore, though I have tried to find him, but there is still a man that sells cheese.
24:32 Speaker 00 Great.
24:33 Speaker 01 So maybe it might just be the little round Camembert's man. Dioch invow for having me on the show, up the Swans from Evan.
24:40 Speaker 00 Love that. I did Radio 4, I was a guest, an esteemed guest on Radio 4, more or less, the other day, the numbers programme, because they were fascinated by the actual statistics behind the Camry connection.
24:51 Speaker 01 Oh, really?
24:51 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:52 Speaker 02 We've got some clips that maybe we'll do next week from that, actually.
24:54 Speaker 00 Kat, who was the math practitioner from Swansea they had, she's a very interesting person, Kat, she works in like communication, communication, how best to communicate academic ideas. She was talking about it and she said, yeah, I watched loads of the videos, hell, and I expected you to have a strategy. It was very entertaining to realise that you didn't.
25:14 Speaker 02 You've got a strat.
25:15 Speaker 00 There's a strat in there, isn't there?
25:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, but she's a intermittent strategy.
25:19 Speaker 00 She's got a PhD in maths.
25:20 Speaker 01 So is it, are they interested by the fact that it is pretty much found its percentage?
25:25 Speaker 00 Well, there are numbers, so, well, I'm higher than the percentage should be, because...
25:30 Speaker 01 But you, it's not like you go up loads, loads, loads and then come down loads, loads.
25:34 Speaker 00 No, but it's just over, I think, 2.2 million people identify as Welsh in Wales. So then if you take, there's, there's been research into social networks. So at most you can really know 1,500 people and then, but the connectee is not going to know that many. So if you're saying that I'm right at the very top end and they know 600, I'm, I'm above where I should be. It was just the way that Kat is obviously a very ordered thinker, quite, I think she found my scattergun approach quite entertaining.
26:06 Speaker 02 Great.
26:07 Speaker 01 Last week, Ellis failed to connect with caller Gwentrian, despite her dad playing in the bound Catatonia. His connection rate currently stands at 47.78%. He's made a connection with 43 out of 90 callers. That feels close to 50%.
26:23 Speaker 02 It is. It always is. We're always close. It's tantalising.
26:27 Speaker 01 What can he do this week? We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello, what's your name, caller?
26:31 Speaker 04 Hello, it's Lucy.
26:33 Speaker 01 Lucy, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with Ellis. Your time starts now.
26:38 Speaker 00 27 and Hendy, Bringwin and Kolikshirgar. Kolikshirgar and you're 27. Hendy. So did you grow up in Hendy?
26:47 Speaker 04 Yes.
26:48 Speaker 00 Okay. Do you know Emir Wynn, the singer and actor who was on Publicum?
26:53 Speaker 04 No.
26:54 Speaker 00 Do you know my, do you know his parents? Do you know my, not his parents, your, do you know my friend Claire Roberts? She now lives at Market or some Hendy?
27:00 Speaker 04 No.
27:01 Speaker 00 Okay, what do you do for a living?
27:02 Speaker 04 I'm a radio producer.
27:04 Speaker 00 Who for?
27:05 Speaker 04 Radio Nottingham, BBC Radio Nottingham.
27:08 Speaker 00 Do you know Matt Ford?
27:11 Speaker 04 No.
27:12 Speaker 00 Okay. If you went to university, where did you go?
27:14 Speaker 04 Loughborough.
27:15 Speaker 00 Loughborough. Do you know Lloyd Langford? He didn't even go there. Hendy, Kolikshirgar, you're 27. Totten Kolikshirgar. Did you spend much time in Llathlwy?
27:29 Speaker 04 Yes, I moved to Llathlwy after, in secondary school.
27:33 Speaker 00 Oh, do you know anyone who works at Tenopolis?
27:35 Speaker 04 No.
27:36 Speaker 00 Ayyyy. I cycled through Hendy the other day.
27:43 Speaker 01 I think at one point Ellis almost asked you, Lucy, if you knew your own parents.
27:50 Speaker 04 I thought that's what he was gonna say.
27:52 Speaker 00 No, I know, no, I don't need that. I said, go there, Hendy, 27.
27:57 Speaker 04 I think I do.
27:58 Speaker 02 You did stop yourself just about.
28:00 Speaker 01 Kolikshirgar, Hendy. Where is Hendy, Ellis?
28:05 Speaker 00 It's, I suppose, it's between Swansea and Llanelly, would you say?
28:13 Speaker 04 Yeah, pretty much.
28:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:15 Speaker 01 So continue asking, Ellis, if you like, for a little bit.
28:17 Speaker 00 Bit of a sun lounge moment.
28:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:19 Speaker 00 Twenty-seven years of age, so you're born in the nineties. What school did you go to? Bryngwyn?
28:25 Speaker 04 Yeah, so Hendy Bryngwyn and then Colloch Shearghar.
28:27 Speaker 00 Colloch Shearghar. I know people who went to Colloch Shearghar but afterwards. What was your, who was your career's officer at Colloch Shearghar?
28:37 Speaker 04 Oh, that's such a good question. I've no idea.
28:40 Speaker 00 Because Mam will have known them and I will have heard about her talking about that person because she used to bring her homework home with her.
28:47 Speaker 01 But in a nice way.
28:48 Speaker 00 In a nice way, was always positive and I loved it. You went to Lefbrer, okay. Hendy. You didn't do youth theatre in the Gwendyth Valley, did you, by any chance?
29:00 Speaker 04 No, I wasn't allowed to.
29:01 Speaker 00 Okay, why not?
29:03 Speaker 04 I don't know, we just never did. I did ask to do it and then never did.
29:06 Speaker 00 Oh, what a shame. Did you, did you do it anyway?
29:10 Speaker 04 Uh, no, no, went into something else in uni.
29:13 Speaker 00 Oh.
29:14 Speaker 01 Did you ever do radio in Wales?
29:17 Speaker 04 Not in Wales, no.
29:19 Speaker 00 What's in them again? Lucy?
29:21 Speaker 04 Lucy.
29:21 Speaker 00 Do you know any other Lucys?
29:24 Speaker 04 I know lots of, lots of Lucys with a Y but not so many Lucys with an I E.
29:28 Speaker 01 Uh, do you know of any connections, Lucy?
29:31 Speaker 04 Um, I was really involved in local politics when I was in college, so I thought maybe some of the local politicians might be a...
29:39 Speaker 00 Do you know, do you know my friend Andrew Johnson who's with the Labour Party, out of curiosity?
29:43 Speaker 04 No, I was more on the plaid side.
29:45 Speaker 00 Oh, you were on the plaid side.
29:48 Speaker 01 We've never discussed whether Ellis is on the plaid side or the Labour side.
29:55 Speaker 00 Plaid side where?
29:57 Speaker 04 Inklently, so, um, along like Helen Mary Jones's campaign.
30:02 Speaker 00 Do you know Hareth?
30:04 Speaker 04 Hareth, no.
30:05 Speaker 00 Do you know Hareth Gwynnford? He's more sort of yes, comeery kind of thing, but I think he canvases for Plaid.
30:10 Speaker 04 Not that I remember.
30:12 Speaker 00 Okay, because I know Hareth, he was canvassing in Lillie Quayle. Oh, who's that guy with the sensible trousers? My mother knows who canvases in Klently all the time. What's his name?
30:24 Speaker 01 You'd want any canvasser to have sensible trousers.
30:26 Speaker 00 No, but he's very sensible.
30:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I'm not going to take a leaflet from someone with like leopard print. Tight, like kind of, um.
30:35 Speaker 00 I have met Helen Mary Jones, but I wouldn't say I.
30:38 Speaker 01 Rod Stewart. I'm not going to take a flyer from Rod Stewart.
30:40 Speaker 00 I wouldn't say I knew Helen Mary Jones. I, I have, I have met her, but I wouldn't say that I knew her.
30:45 Speaker 04 I think it would count if you'd met her.
30:48 Speaker 00 I think she's probably too famous because she's politician.
30:52 Speaker 01 Do you know any musicians, Lucy?
30:55 Speaker 04 No, I don't think so. Not that I'm aware of. Maybe we've got some secret magicians.
30:59 Speaker 01 No musicians?
31:00 Speaker 04 Magicians, yeah.
31:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
31:02 Speaker 00 I'd love it if we had a mutual magician in there.
31:04 Speaker 01 I never know. What about Radio Nottingham? Have you ever interviewed any comedians?
31:09 Speaker 04 Well, yeah, we have, um, but I've just, I sit behind, behind the glass in the studio, so I don't do a lot of.
31:16 Speaker 00 At Radio Nottingham, do you turn the heating on for the guests?
31:20 Speaker 04 Turn the heating on?
31:21 Speaker 00 Well, I once did Radio Derby and when I turned up, they said, we turned the heating on for you.
31:28 Speaker 04 Derby's a different world.
31:29 Speaker 00 Derby is a different world. So do you live up in Nottingham now?
31:32 Speaker 04 Yes.
31:33 Speaker 00 The Plaid side. Man will have loads of connections with you.
31:39 Speaker 00 Because, um, can I give my mother's politics away on air?
31:42 Speaker 01 I'm with you, but probably not. Yeah, of course you can.
31:46 Speaker 01 Would you? Well, she puts it on social media.
31:47 Speaker 00 My mother puts it on social media. Oh, she loves it.
31:50 Speaker 01 Yeah. She loves what?
31:53 Speaker 00 Putting politics on social media.
31:54 Speaker 01 Oh, right.
31:56 Speaker 00 No, I don't think so. There'll be. So how long have you lived in England?
32:01 Speaker 04 Uh, since uni. So I left for uni and then have been here since. So it's probably what? Five or six years now.
32:06 Speaker 00 Years, yeah. I think that's a, that's a failure, but an interesting failure, Lucy. Don't worry about it.
32:13 Speaker 04 If it's any help to you, my, my secondary school French teacher was, um, Tonya Antoniazi, the MP for Gower. If that's any good for you.
32:19 Speaker 00 No, but my friend Andrew had no Tonya. Because he was, he was all over the Labour Party. I saw him in Llanelly the other day, actually. But never mind, never mind. It's fine. Do you agree with me that Llanelly Train Station needs a lick of paint?
32:35 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
32:36 Speaker 00 100% and it has done since the 90s. Really?
32:39 Speaker 01 And you think that's a cheap solution? You'd think, actually, the community could get together and do that. Not that they should have to.
32:46 Speaker 00 No, but it's just, since I was about 11, I thought, they should really paint Llanelly Train Station. And they never, and I am 45. And I thought to myself the other day, when I, when I, when I went through Llanelly Train Station the other day and thought to myself, God, Llanelly Train Station needs a lick of paint, which I think every single time. I thought, oh, maybe they've painted it since, you know, in the year 2000 and now it's started peeling again. But no, because I've been going through it regularly for at least 35 years.
33:14 Speaker 01 Well, next adventure's up. Alison, John, paint Llanelly Stays.
33:18 Speaker 00 There we go. There we go. It's nice. We've come up with great content. Thank you, Lucy.
33:23 Speaker 01 Thank you, Lucy.
33:23 Speaker 04 You're welcome.
33:24 Speaker 01 Apologies that there was no connection, but it seems like there was no connection and that's the way the cookies crumble.
33:30 Speaker 00 That's the game.
33:31 Speaker 01 Right, let's play a made up game.
33:45 Speaker 00 Woo!
33:50 Speaker 00 You're a strummer in space? You work for the Space Council and you're strimming a space lawn.
33:57 Speaker 01 It's alert, alert, alert, attention, Patreons and RSS listeners. BBC Sounds listeners have been evacuated from the building. This is an emergency.
34:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, I've just done that.
34:13 Speaker 00 Mine's better than yours.
34:14 Speaker 01 Yours is too late. Yours is too late. Everyone's died from the blast.
34:19 Speaker 00 And content.
34:21 Speaker 01 This is a ring fenced zone where we can talk about a plurality of projects.
34:25 Speaker 00 And you ignored my American film police car arriving at the scene of the crime noise.
34:31 Speaker 01 Let's hear that.
34:32 Speaker 00 Woo.
34:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's good.
34:34 Speaker 00 Thank you.
34:35 Speaker 02 That is good.
34:37 Speaker 01 Ellis is doing some Welsh language stand up gigs.
34:39 Speaker 00 Big time. And I cannot mention it on the BBC.
34:42 Speaker 02 You probably could if you'd done it.
34:43 Speaker 00 Do you know what? I reckon I'll be able to mention the big one because it's on, it'll be televised on S14, which means we'll aim, or the event is being televised on S14, so it will end up on the iPlayer.
34:53 Speaker 02 Go on, talk to us about your gigs and where are the URLs found?
34:56 Speaker 00 Right then. And God, I need your help, listeners.
34:59 Speaker 02 But don't sound desperate with it.
35:02 Speaker 00 I'll sound as desperate as I like, Dave.
35:04 Speaker 01 I'll bring the confidence.
35:05 Speaker 02 Play it cool. Play it cool. I've just got a couple more.
35:07 Speaker 00 I've actually got a fair amount of confidence in my own abilities.
35:10 Speaker 02 Good. You're doing the Royal Albert Hall next year. I hope so.
35:14 Speaker 00 Oh, I'll be doing that in Welsh, Dave. So on August the 5th, which is a Wednesday, the Wednesday of the Estefod, I am performing in the main pavilion. I'm doing stand up. I've never been able to do it before for various reasons. And I would say in Welsh language comedy circles, it doesn't get bigger than that. So, but I'm not really worried about that because that will look after itself during Estefod Week, I think. However, I am having to do warm up shows.
35:46 Speaker 00 Because I've not done a gig in Welsh since November 2024, so I'm gonna do some warm-up shows.
35:51 Speaker 02 Why don't you Oasis it and just go straight in? It's one of the biggest gig of the years.
35:55 Speaker 00 It's absolutely extraordinary they did that.
35:57 Speaker 01 But they did rehearse, didn't they?
35:59 Speaker 00 They rehearsed.
36:00 Speaker 02 You've got to get in front of a crowd.
36:01 Speaker 00 They blurred a little, blurred a little tour.
36:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:05 Speaker 00 And they were doing really small venues.
36:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:07 Speaker 00 Because they, they actually felt you did have to get in front of a crowd. And in stand-up, as John will attest, you do have to get in front of a crowd.
36:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:12 Speaker 01 Well, I, my, I was back in Bristol. I hadn't done any warm-up gigs.
36:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, but I'm not comparing. I'm, I'm doing, I'm closing the thing.
36:19 Speaker 01 So where can people find tickets?
36:21 Speaker 00 On, there's multiple venues. So this is why I need your help, really. I'm doing two warm-ups in Wales on July the 17th and 18th. So on the 17th, I'll be in Gartholog, which is a lovely venue. And on the 18th, which is the Saturday, I will be doing a stand-up in Cardiff at a new venue called Llanfair Hall. Right? So there'll be a link to the tickets on my Instagram. There'll be a link in my bio. The ones I'm worried about selling are as follows.
36:52 Speaker 01 No, we need to rephrase that. The ones I would love you to be there for.
36:57 Speaker 00 Okay, I'm gonna rephrase it in a, in a third way. The ones I really need London's Welsh speakers to turn up for.
37:03 Speaker 01 Right.
37:04 Speaker 00 I've decided to win an ABC in Canada, in Kennington, my favourite English gig, on the 23rd of July, which is a Thursday, and also the 3rd of August, which is the Monday.
37:20 Speaker 01 I mean, Kennington, you could probably do a gig in Welsh to the regular audience and you still rip it. It's such a nice gig.
37:25 Speaker 00 That is true, but I don't want to rely on that.
37:28 Speaker 01 What's ABC in Welsh?
37:30 Speaker 00 Aber Ech. So I'm doing Aber Ech and Kennington, because there is no Welsh word.
37:35 Speaker 01 And that's not the Ech in Aber?
37:37 Speaker 00 No.
37:38 Speaker 01 No.
37:41 Speaker 01 You can open with that.
37:42 Speaker 00 I think I might. So as I said, Thursday the 23rd and Monday the 3rd, I'll be doing ABC Aberc in Kannington. Tickets are on the ABC website. Really looking forward to that one. I'm also doing the London Welsh Centre. I'm doing the 1st and the 2nd of August and I will, I've not even told them I'm doing this yet. I'll give the proceeds to the London Welsh School in Hanwell, but they don't know that yet. So that's a lovely surprise for them. So London Welsh, Saturday the 1st and Sunday the 2nd at the London Welsh Centre on Greys Inn Road. Tickets are on their website. It's the ABC ones really I'm worried about because...
38:22 Speaker 02 Not worried, you're excited for.
38:25 Speaker 00 Excited for poor sales.
38:27 Speaker 01 But even if you have 12 people there, it's fine.
38:30 Speaker 00 I'd like more than 12. I only need 140 for both because it seats 70.
38:35 Speaker 02 Well, I'll tell you what we'll do. In the podcast description, we'll put the links as well.
38:38 Speaker 00 You are a diamond, Steve.
38:40 Speaker 02 There you go. We'll have the description in.
38:42 Speaker 00 You're a positive influence in my life.
38:43 Speaker 02 Oh, good.
38:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm really, really looking forward to doing this, Edford, and all of my family are coming. They've got a minibus.
38:51 Speaker 02 Oh, when I was in the pub the other night, I didn't really ask, I didn't ask them to do this, but they were very keen. They were like, we'll just get everyone here from, all your mates from Stockport, we'll get on a minibus and we'll come to the Royal Albert Hall gig. So now there's like an away day planned for the Royal Albert Hall gig next year.
39:09 Speaker 00 Yeah. So the Edford gig on the 5th, on the Wednesday night, I'm really looking forward to that. But it is very sweet that a lot of my aunties and uncles have got a minibus for this.
39:17 Speaker 01 I would imagine the Welsh speaking London community are not thinking, oh, I've got so many Welsh language events this year. I can't, I can't just fit in another one. They will be very excited for that.
39:27 Speaker 00 Yeah. And what happened was the London Welsh shows have always sold really well because they've got a great mailing list. But I was doing ABC and then I realised I didn't have any work in progress gigs. So I just asked James and James was like, yes, of course you can.
39:39 Speaker 01 That's nice.
39:40 Speaker 00 So, which is very good, very nice of him.
39:43 Speaker 01 Sure. And while we're here, you know, my book and audiobook and ebook are still available and have been picked by Audible and Spotify as their choices of the year so far, brackets, but we don't put that on the Instagram post, but it is so far. I could get knocked out.
39:59 Speaker 00 But we're in June.
40:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:03 Speaker 00 So that is six months.
40:04 Speaker 01 It's half time.
40:05 Speaker 00 Of content that you're better than. And it is a competition.
40:09 Speaker 01 As good as some of.
40:10 Speaker 00 It's all a competition, John, and you've won.
40:12 Speaker 01 Life's a quiz and then you die.
40:14 Speaker 02 What's the big gig that's coming up for Ellis and John, though? In the next month or so that we want to have a quick plug for?
40:19 Speaker 01 At Crossed Wires.
40:20 Speaker 02 Crossed Wires in Sheffield.
40:22 Speaker 00 Oh, I thought it was in Leeds. Sorry, I had crossed wires.
40:26 Speaker 02 My goodness, you should be worried.
40:29 Speaker 01 Be afraid.
40:31 Speaker 00 Good stuff. Come on. A Mr. Leeds is in Sheffield.
40:35 Speaker 02 Confuse the message, though.
40:36 Speaker 00 Leeds is in Yorkshire.
40:37 Speaker 02 It is.
40:37 Speaker 00 Which one am I to have to? It's good humour.
40:40 Speaker 02 John, do you want to take it from here?
40:41 Speaker 01 Yes, Ellis and John and Dave will be performing their podcast live in Sheffield at the Crossed Wires Festival. We'd be delighted to see you there. It will be being recorded and.
40:53 Speaker 00 John's going to give you all a mind SDI.
40:58 Speaker 00 And that's an Ellis and John guarantee.
41:00 Speaker 01 And we'll be releasing elements of behind the scenes footage from it. It's a big event. It's a big room.
41:06 Speaker 02 Oh, it is. It is Sheffield City Hall on the 4th of July.
41:09 Speaker 01 And if you want to snog someone with their consent afterwards, the only place to be is all my friends with Dave Masterman, Lou Sanders and Anya Magliano.
41:19 Speaker 02 No, none of them.
41:21 Speaker 01 Oh dear, Dave.
41:24 Speaker 02 That's the London one. I've got a London gig at Coco in a couple of weeks.
41:27 Speaker 01 Okay.
41:28 Speaker 02 Well, actually, this Saturday. That's fine. That's that's safe. Amy Gladhill is DJing Crossed Wires with me.
41:35 Speaker 00 It's going to be good.
41:36 Speaker 01 Amy Gladhill, Dave Masterman and.
41:38 Speaker 02 That's it. It's a load of great, great folks.
41:40 Speaker 01 Load of great ladies and men and all people and all walks of life.
41:45 Speaker 02 So go to crossedwires.live. You can get tickets for Ellis and John and you can get discounted tickets for all my friends.
41:51 Speaker 00 I cannot emphasise this enough. If you're a Welsh speaker and you live in London, I really need your help because I cannot mess up the Estefod.
41:58 Speaker 01 Thirst available now.
42:04 Speaker 02 That was all good. That was all good.
42:05 Speaker 01 Thanks to Jonny for the Maber voucher.
42:09 Speaker 02 Right, that's enough. That is enough.
42:10 Speaker 00 I do love Maber. Edit that out, feel free to.
42:13 Speaker 01 No, edit it in again. Just have him on repeat saying that.
42:18 Speaker 01 Emergency over. Return to normal programming.
42:26 Speaker 01 Okay, Dave, what have you got for us today, made up game wise?
42:28 Speaker 02 Made up game wise, you ask? Jingle. Oh, we're sticking with Matt's sensational jingle. It's George Harrison inspired. It was played-
42:36 Speaker 01 Well, we had an email from Matt, Dave, of course.
42:40 Speaker 02 We did.
42:40 Speaker 01 Lovely Matt. And Matt says, if I can just access it, well, well, well. What's Welsh for well, well, well?
42:48 Speaker 00 Well, well, well, but with one L. Otherwise it'd be welch, welch, welch, which means better, better, better.
42:53 Speaker 01 Hey, that's not bad. You can say to that to yourself in the dressing room.
42:57 Speaker 00 Oh my god, I've written more material. Better, better, better.
43:02 Speaker 01 I just listened to episode 549. Have we done that many?
43:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's mad, isn't it?
43:06 Speaker 01 That's insane. We've got too many at this point.
43:08 Speaker 02 Too much content.
43:09 Speaker 01 Yeah. And heard the amazing advert you put together for the Made Up Games album. I was out running around a wood at lunchtime, listening, and I stopped in my tracks, smiling, and I think I punched the air. Genius. I'm incredibly grateful for the time and effort you put in. Matt, you're the one putting in the time and effort, mate. I'm hoping to send you some proper gifts, not stalker related, but I did want to send you this email to let you know how fantastic that was. Thank you, Michael and Dave especially. On my name, I didn't choose it, and I don't think my parents realised Matthew can be shortened to Matt, but it is especially hilarious when picking up orders from a paint shop. I've also played a gig with Matt White before. I wonder if that's Matthew E. White, musician. Thank you once again, Matt Black.
43:51 Speaker 02 Matt Black. So if you missed it, we won't play it again, but last week's Tuesday app, we put together a Mark Goodyear voiced ad for all of the tracks that Matt's written so far for our Made Up Games feature, because he's done about six, I think he's done six now, and there are a few more to come. But at the minute, we are at his George Harrison inspired number, which was played for the first time last week. Here it is.
44:17 Speaker 05 Slowly.
44:20 Speaker 05 And you're bored and there's nothing to do.
44:28 Speaker 05 Like when you're waiting at a railway station. Or you've reached the end of conversation. That's the perfect kind of situation for a made up game. Let's play a made up game all night.
44:46 Speaker 05 Made up game, let's play a made up game. Let's play a made up game tonight. We're gonna play another game of someone's making us. So come along and play a made up game.
45:01 Speaker 01 That always makes me think of my friend, the dear Robin Allender. Because we used to go to karaoke in Bristol and he would always do My Sweet Lord, which has like a two minute instrumental in the minute, in the middle. And during that, he would break dance.
45:14 Speaker 02 Oh, would he?
45:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:16 Speaker 02 Robin.
45:16 Speaker 01 Well, like badly.
45:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
45:18 Speaker 00 He sang at his wedding, but I can't remember what the song was.
45:22 Speaker 02 Did he?
45:22 Speaker 01 Robin sang at his wedding?
45:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:24 Speaker 01 Oh, he sang, um, Lady in Red.
45:26 Speaker 00 That's it.
45:26 Speaker 02 Oh, nice.
45:29 Speaker 02 What's, what's impressive with Matt is he's doing all these kind of,
45:34 Speaker 02 songs inspired by other artists, but Matt's got a real style. Like, if you listen to all the other stuff that Matt's done, like, he's kind of almost also got his own kind of effect and voice.
45:43 Speaker 01 Is he your new favourite band, Dave?
45:45 Speaker 02 I think Matt's up there. Matt is up there. Right, scores on the doors. John is on the march. Ellis should be worried. He roundly thrashed Ellis in last week's excellent game, Proverb or No Verb? Proverb or No Verb? That took the scores to thirty love in the third set. Ellis leading one game to love, of course. John leading two sets to love overall.
46:05 Speaker 00 God, he's like Argentina.
46:07 Speaker 02 Go on.
46:07 Speaker 00 Scored a hat trick even though he's all old.
46:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, you can say that. I don't really know what it means.
46:15 Speaker 00 Lionel Messi, he's 39.
46:18 Speaker 01 All right, it's not that old.
46:19 Speaker 00 It is for a footballer.
46:20 Speaker 01 Yeah. How old's Ronaldo?
46:22 Speaker 00 Forty-one. He was born in 1985.
46:27 Speaker 02 Uh, this week's game comes in from JB. Hey gang, after last week's impressive array of impressions. Obviously we did, what did you do last week, Ronnie Corbett?
46:36 Speaker 00 I did Ronnie Corbett laughing.
46:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:38 Speaker 00 And I said the word golf.
46:40 Speaker 02 It went down well on the camera.
46:41 Speaker 01 It was a game of golf.
46:44 Speaker 02 Uh, I thought I'd suggest a game similar to one we have played, uh, uh, no, sorry. Uh, I'd suggest a game similar to one we used to play at university. I've updated the name because of Elis's upcoming historic gig at the Royal Albert Hall. It's called Impressions Are A Privilege.
46:59 Speaker 01 Oh, nice.
47:00 Speaker 02 Good. The aim of the game is to try and do 10 celebrity impressions in 90 seconds.
47:08 Speaker 02 You'll each be given a card with 10 different celebrities on it.
47:13 Speaker 00 What if I don't know the person?
47:14 Speaker 02 Let me finish the rules. You'll each be given a card with 10 different celebrities on it. Crucially, producer Dave doesn't know who is on your lists. And he's the person who has to guess the celebrity you are trying to impersonate.
47:26 Speaker 00 Out of curiosity.
47:28 Speaker 02 Well.
47:29 Speaker 00 Obviously whether this is in the spirit of the game or not is, I suppose, is up to you. But if I was given Ronnie or Sullivan, would I be able to say, oh, I scored 147s really fast?
47:40 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, because that is something I would do.
47:42 Speaker 02 I know you would, and that's why you need to let me finish the rules.
47:46 Speaker 01 Please continue, Dave.
47:48 Speaker 02 You'll each have 90 seconds to do your impressions. And if you're struggling to nail down an impression, you can pass. But if you pass, you forfeit the chance of winning that point. So you can't return to that impression later. If you pass, you pass.
48:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:00 Speaker 02 And this might be down to me as well. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Because I don't think I'm very good at this, which will ruin your chances of winning the game. You did a few impressions in Dave's big quiz at the start of the year. And John, as is his wont with his massive brain,
48:16 Speaker 01 Hi.
48:16 Speaker 02 Bent the rules as far as they could by doing less impressioning and more explaining.
48:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:23 Speaker 02 That's clever. So to counter this, each celebrity on your list will be in a certain situation or scenario that you have to play out. Okay?
48:31 Speaker 01 Well, shall we say that you just can't give facts about your person?
48:35 Speaker 00 So Ronnie O'Sullivan's in the mouth of a dinosaur.
48:38 Speaker 01 And he can't say it's hard to make 147s inside a T-Rex.
48:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's really sharp, all these teeth. I wish I had a snooker cue so I could knock out 147 of them.
48:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, that'd be, that'd be tricky. I wouldn't do that.
48:51 Speaker 00 Right, okay.
48:53 Speaker 01 So it's voice alone.
48:54 Speaker 02 Voice alone. For example, Sean Bean ordering a flat white or Demi Moore applying for a loan.
48:58 Speaker 00 But I couldn't do, I couldn't, I couldn't do Sean Bean saying, I love birds, mate.
49:04 Speaker 01 I think that's fair enough. That's an impression of him.
49:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, but he's.
49:09 Speaker 01 Oh, no, you can't say birds.
49:11 Speaker 00 No. All right. Okay. I like, I like being in gritty dramas.
49:16 Speaker 01 No, you can't do that.
49:17 Speaker 00 Last one set in prison.
49:19 Speaker 01 No, you've got to do the thing where it says on the card.
49:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, this is why we put the things on the card.
49:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, okay.
49:24 Speaker 02 So just be fair with it.
49:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, be fair for goodness sake.
49:27 Speaker 02 And sorry in advance, because I think I will panic. This is why I don't play the bloody games. Right, Ellis, there's your card. John, there's your card. Don't, don't look at the cards!
49:37 Speaker 01 What?
49:37 Speaker 02 Don't look at the cards.
49:39 Speaker 00 Why don't you get time to prepare, mate?
49:41 Speaker 02 Because you're both gonna take, you go separately. So you can only look at the card as the time starts.
49:46 Speaker 01 Yep.
49:47 Speaker 02 Most points at the end wins. Michael, are you on point scoring?
49:50 Speaker 00 Okay, right. And you're the arbiter. Yeah. It's just down to you. I don't like it. And you're nervous.
49:56 Speaker 02 I am. That's it. There are all the rules. So 90 seconds. 90 seconds is fairly lengthy. So we've got a bit of time here. Ellis will get you to go first.
50:10 Speaker 02 Impression with a scenario or situation. Don't look at the cards, yeah, Ellis. I've not said the time starts. He's already thinking. All right, time starts now.
50:20 Speaker 00 Oh, oh my God, I'd like to buy a ticket to Slough.
50:24 Speaker 02 Robert De Niro.
50:26 Speaker 00 No.
50:26 Speaker 02 Al Pacino.
50:26 Speaker 00 Oh, I can't give away.
50:32 Speaker 00 Right, no way. I can't believe that. So, the way kids are made.
50:38 Speaker 02 Oh, Brian Cox?
50:39 Speaker 00 No. The way kids are made, it let me and Peter.
50:44 Speaker 02 Pass, pass if you want.
50:46 Speaker 00 Pass.
50:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, no, that's.
50:59 Speaker 00 I can't like that. Love to see a great crusted grebe.
51:03 Speaker 02 Ringo, Ringo.
51:04 Speaker 00 Nope. Or maybe a kingfisher, or I don't know, maybe a swallow.
51:08 Speaker 02 John Lennon, Paul McCartney, John Lennon.
51:12 Speaker 00 No, I'd like.
51:14 Speaker 02 Frank, Frank Spencer?
51:19 Speaker 00 Listen to Talk Sport, or are you not listening to Talk Sport?
51:24 Speaker 02 Oh, Bruce Forsyth, Bruce Forsyth.
51:30 Speaker 00 Um, ah, is this root canal gonna hurt, or am I gonna have to write a song about it?
51:36 Speaker 02 Johnny Cash?
51:38 Speaker 00 Johnny Cash? Um, ah, so, yeah, I mean, uh.
51:45 Speaker 02 Tony Black.
51:45 Speaker 00 How are my children doing at school?
51:48 Speaker 02 Tony Black, Boris Johnson.
51:51 Speaker 01 Dave, right, in fairness to Ellis, you need to be guessing people that sound in some way related to the noises he's making.
52:01 Speaker 00 Right, the problem is.
52:02 Speaker 02 Have we got a time? Time's up.
52:04 Speaker 00 Obviously, I'd be able to say, I could have made references to being a pet detective in the first one. Or being a liar, or.
52:14 Speaker 02 Oh, goodness, okay.
52:15 Speaker 00 But I can't say any of that stuff, so I'm just trying to buy a train ticket to Slough as Jim Carrey.
52:20 Speaker 02 Jim Carrey, yeah, of course. It is harder.
52:23 Speaker 00 Paddy McGinnis was general. I actually mentioned Peter at one stage. I thought that was cheating, so I stopped. I had to talk.
52:28 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
52:29 Speaker 00 As Paddy McGinnis talking to my children.
52:30 Speaker 02 Because you are right, as soon as you can't say no like and no like it.
52:33 Speaker 00 Exactly. I was John Lennon going bird watching, which you did get, I think.
52:37 Speaker 01 He was the last Beatle, yeah, last Beatle.
52:40 Speaker 00 I was, and I hadn't even done my Macca. I was Bruce Forsyth doing small talk with a cab driver.
52:45 Speaker 01 That was really good.
52:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was good.
52:46 Speaker 00 Um, I missed Margaret Thatcher Swansea when I can do a, I can do a Margaret Thatcher. Dolly Parton before a root canal, what a hospital pass that was.
52:56 Speaker 02 Not Johnny Cash.
52:58 Speaker 00 And then I was Hugh Grant at a parents' evening.
53:01 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
53:02 Speaker 00 And I didn't get as far as Queen Elizabeth II paying the Blackwall Tunnel charge over the phone, Morgan Freeman returning a broken blender, or Robert De Niro confronting someone who's dropped litter.
53:16 Speaker 02 Right. Two. Was it two?
53:18 Speaker 01 Okay, so for example, for Morgan Freeman returning a broken blender, would you be able to say, "There are seven deadly sins"? That's not his voice, but there are seven deadly sins. The first one is making a blender that doesn't work correctly.
53:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think if you could be a bit clever with it.
53:38 Speaker 00 I think if you said that, I would have to admire your initiative. And I'm not going to complain about that.
53:46 Speaker 02 No.
53:47 Speaker 00 But it's difficult.
53:47 Speaker 01 But you couldn't say, "How can I expect it to work with this blender when I'm starring in Seven with Brad Pitt"?
53:54 Speaker 00 Yeah. Or, "How can I expect this blender to work when I've been in prison for the last 30 years in a prison called Shawshank"?
54:00 Speaker 01 Okay. Ready?
54:01 Speaker 02 I'd like to say, "The blender put up a good fight". You could do that.
54:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:05 Speaker 02 No, you couldn't. That's tricky. Right.
54:06 Speaker 00 The scenarios are so mad.
54:08 Speaker 02 I know. Well, Michael's done a very good job because they're funny. That's the point. We're having a bit of fun, aren't we? We're having a bit of fun on a Friday afternoon. Or whenever you're listening, of course. John, are you ready?
54:19 Speaker 01 Yep.
54:21 Speaker 02 Time starts now.
54:23 Speaker 01 You can't bring about change when you're hungry.
54:26 Speaker 02 Keir Starmer.
54:27 Speaker 00 Very good. That was good.
54:31 Speaker 01 Are you trying to break into my house? That's a Volvo XC60 out there.
54:37 Speaker 00 That's excellent.
54:38 Speaker 02 Alan Partridge?
54:39 Speaker 01 Yes.
54:40 Speaker 00 That's excellent.
54:44 Speaker 01 Pass, pass.
54:47 Speaker 01 He's got to go. What are you telling me? I can't claim that on railway tickets. We fight for the railway tickets. We fight for the vat.
54:58 Speaker 02 De Niro?
55:00 Speaker 01 Um.
55:01 Speaker 00 It's very good.
55:03 Speaker 02 Martin Luther King.
55:05 Speaker 00 Martin Luther King.
55:07 Speaker 02 Well, it sounds a bit, you know, you know, big speech.
55:11 Speaker 01 Oh, these shoes are so slay. Ellis, Ellis would never let me wear these shoes in studio. Um, but I think they're a bit too big for me. Oh, they eat crumbs and don't lie.
55:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
55:23 Speaker 01 Dave, are you thick?
55:24 Speaker 02 What? It's famous person. Famous person. Oh, is he? From the shirt. Right. Okay. Oh, yeah. That's the first thing. But I was like, is she not? I mean, she's a little bit famous, I suppose.
55:34 Speaker 01 Excuse me, when's the next train to Barnet?
55:36 Speaker 02 Uh, David Bowie.
55:38 Speaker 01 Um, oh, great. I found me blooming dog because I've taken so much smack that and cork and I'm, oh, good. Oh, kids, I found, I found your dog. Correct, yeah.
55:51 Speaker 02 Wow. Five? Five, though.
55:55 Speaker 01 I think I could have got most of the rest as well. Mine, I think, are a bit easier.
55:59 Speaker 00 Yeah. Everyone's got a Bowie in them. Everyone's got a Liam. What was the other one you did?
56:04 Speaker 01 Oh, I'm going fishing and I want to catch a big trout.
56:08 Speaker 02 Oh, um.
56:10 Speaker 00 Bob Mortimer.
56:13 Speaker 01 My daughter doesn't eat meat, but my husband will like it.
56:20 Speaker 01 I don't know. No, that was Mark Simpson.
56:22 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah, yeah.
56:23 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
56:24 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's bang on, actually. That was pretty good. Were you doing Al Pacino?
56:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, it was, yeah.
56:29 Speaker 02 I said, didn't I say Al?
56:30 Speaker 01 Which one was that? I said Robert De Niro.
56:31 Speaker 02 Oh, I would have come to Al Pacino next.
56:33 Speaker 01 Would you?
56:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, I didn't know, did I?
56:34 Speaker 01 I gave you time, too. And, um.
56:39 Speaker 01 Are you saying that I s-
56:41 Speaker 02 Marlon Brando.
56:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly. Yes. I think mine were a bit easier.
56:44 Speaker 02 Maybe you had a slightly easier Rub of the Green.
56:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:47 Speaker 00 But, uh, good, good. I admired it though, and I liked to see him stretch his legs.
56:51 Speaker 02 Ah, yeah, you're good. You have some good impressions in there.
56:53 Speaker 00 Let's have a look at your card.
56:54 Speaker 01 I would have liked to have remembered Christopher Walken because there's, like, there's a famous scene of him in Annie Hall. I don't think I'd have got Christopher Walken.
57:02 Speaker 00 The problem I've got is that Hugh-
57:04 Speaker 01 Oh, Dave.
57:05 Speaker 02 Isn't it like that?
57:06 Speaker 01 Oh, isn't it like that? Who? What's he, what was he going to be doing?
57:09 Speaker 00 Problem with Hugh Grant.
57:10 Speaker 01 Haggling for a watch. Are you telling me this watch is 200 pounds? You're crazy.
57:16 Speaker 02 I can hear it, but I wouldn't have got it in the moment.
57:18 Speaker 00 Hugh Grant, you end up veering into General Posh.
57:21 Speaker 02 You do.
57:21 Speaker 00 Paddy McGinnis, you veer into General Lancashire.
57:25 Speaker 02 Yeah. Uh, I didn't guess fast, Thatcher.
57:29 Speaker 01 Do you, Thatcher?
57:29 Speaker 02 No, um, Dolly Parton, you just sound like an American woman from the south.
57:36 Speaker 01 From Nashville.
57:36 Speaker 02 Yeah. Who did I say? Who was Martin Luther? Who was Martin Luther King?
57:41 Speaker 01 Oh, that was, um, Al Pacino.
57:43 Speaker 02 I was.
57:43 Speaker 01 Because you went, you went Robert De Niro, Martin Luther King.
57:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, obviously.
57:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
57:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:51 Speaker 01 A very good game, bit of fun.
57:53 Speaker 02 Fun game. Thank you to JB.
58:02 Speaker 01 Right, shall we end with a shame well?
58:03 Speaker 02 Oh, yes, please.
58:05 Speaker 01 Okay, let's head in.
58:07 Speaker 05 What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time. I didn't know he's only got one hand. I was signed in on her Gmail.
58:18 Speaker 01 John's Shamewell. Right then, everyone, I'm safe from the heatwave here in the shame well. It's damp, it's dark.
58:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:29 Speaker 01 Uh, it's low down. Heat rises, as you know.
58:32 Speaker 02 I didn't sleep well last night because it was too hot.
58:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, big heatwave in progress. So remember the basics, okay?
58:40 Speaker 02 I didn't this morning. I forgot to water my plants outside the front of the house.
58:44 Speaker 01 Oh, you'll be all right. It's been raining shed loads recently.
58:47 Speaker 02 They don't get the rain because they're kind of under a little porch. And today was the, you know, when you're at the, you're at the end of the run of, because I've not done it for the last few days. Today's the day with the heat that they're gonna wilt.
58:56 Speaker 01 Oh dear.
58:57 Speaker 02 So.
58:58 Speaker 01 You can get those little sort of drip things that you put in.
59:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:01 Speaker 01 Are they pot plants?
59:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, I should.
59:04 Speaker 01 Um, so yeah, just make sure you're keeping windows and curtains closed until the air outside is cooler than the air inside. Unless you live in like a flat or a greenhouse or somewhere with lots of glass where the air inside will heat exponentially.
59:22 Speaker 01 Run a t-shirt under a cold tap, wring it out, pop it on. The best air conditioning you can buy, apart from air conditioning, which you can buy. And I have bought and works great.
59:32 Speaker 02 Did you open?
59:33 Speaker 00 The loft door or do you not open the loft door?
59:35 Speaker 01 I've tried opening the loft door, but my dislike of heat is outweighed by my fear of spiders. I don't want spiders coming down into my cool bedroom.
59:46 Speaker 00 Our loft is warmer than the rest of the house.
59:48 Speaker 01 It's never worked for me. No, so you open the hatch and the hot air goes into it.
59:52 Speaker 00 Oh.
59:52 Speaker 01 Because the hot air from downstairs goes up.
59:55 Speaker 00 Rises, okay.
59:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is, it does work.
59:59 Speaker 01 And just, you know, eat lots of cool drinks.
1:00:02 Speaker 00 I'm not gonna get a spider because I'm hard.
1:00:04 Speaker 01 Uh, I came into my living room the other day and there was a spider on the floor that I described to myself as a prime minister of spiders. I get about three a year and they are off the scale big.
1:00:18 Speaker 00 What would you do if I was in your house and I put it in my mouth and then I open my mouth slowly and it just crawled onto my face?
1:00:25 Speaker 01 I think I shoot you with a shotgun in the stomach.
1:00:29 Speaker 00 So the spider survives.
1:00:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, the spider survives.
1:00:34 Speaker 01 But I don't, I mean, I have, I have got better, but I do, I'm afraid, just kill them to end the the sort of the DNA line.
1:00:43 Speaker 00 Do you?
1:00:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, they've got to go when they're that big.
1:00:46 Speaker 00 No, I'd get them under a glass.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 No, I don't think I have a glass big enough. This is how big these things are. Yeah.
1:00:54 Speaker 00 Get them under, get them under a big Tupperware box and slide a copy of The Economist underneath them.
1:01:01 Speaker 01 I could do that, but I don't.
1:01:06 Speaker 00 Okay, what's the shame?
1:01:08 Speaker 01 I wrote into Simon Mayo's confessions on Radio One in the early nineties. He mentioned me, but refused to read out the confession due to the detail involved. I've therefore carried this confession around for thirty five years.
1:01:20 Speaker 00 Oh, I love it. We're getting a confessions cast off.
1:01:24 Speaker 01 I was in my, this is like Simon Mayo triple X.
1:01:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, I love it. Mayo late.
1:01:28 Speaker 01 Late night rude confessions. I was in my early twenties and just started a new job at an engineering research establishment in Leicestershire. Most of the engineers were very sporty and competitive, as was I. They set up a lunchtime squash ladder that dates it.
1:01:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:01:44 Speaker 01 Where you would visit the local sports centre to play your opponent at squash.
1:01:47 Speaker 00 Squash had such a good eighties.
1:01:49 Speaker 01 Huge eighties. If you won, then you progressed up the ladder. The summer in question was particularly hot, and I'm sure most sports people are aware that in the heat of the day, you can become very sore between the thighs and cheeks whilst carrying out a sporting activity. My cure for this was to use a lip silt and apply it to the said area.
1:02:06 Speaker 00 Oh.
1:02:06 Speaker 01 I always kept a stick handy in my pocket so I could apply when required. This particular day was very hot, and at lunchtime, I took on my next opponent, hoping to progress up the squash ladder. I'm not sure if I actually won the game, but I do remember being very sore between my cheeks afterwards. Not a problem, as I had my remedy, the lip silt. When returning to work and safely back in the office, I realised I'd developed a hole in my pocket. Back in those days, we had loose change and coins that could fall through pesky unwanted pocket holes. That meant I had to empty my pockets of all contents, including the lip silt, onto my desk in the office. Just as I'd done this, the group secretary waltzed into the room. She was a very good-looking young lady, and with a smile to die for.
1:02:48 Speaker 01 She looked at my desk, saw the lip silt, and said, fantastic, my lips are so dry today.
1:02:53 Speaker 00 Oh, no.
1:02:54 Speaker 01 Before I could do anything, she had picked up the stick and was rubbing it all around her lips. At this point, there was little I could say or do, but the episode remains with me to this day.
1:03:04 Speaker 01 I'm gonna say.
1:03:05 Speaker 00 It's bum silt.
1:03:06 Speaker 01 But I'm gonna say, that is an extraordinary bold move from the secretary.
1:03:12 Speaker 00 It is.
1:03:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:03:13 Speaker 01 Whether or not you've been using it on your bum, even if it's a brand new one.
1:03:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:18 Speaker 01 You don't just grab someone's lip silt.
1:03:20 Speaker 02 No, you can't search another man's or woman's lip silt.
1:03:22 Speaker 00 You have to ask.
1:03:24 Speaker 01 Well, even then, I think you, I don't think I would, I would not ask to use someone's actual, like, stick. I might ask if they had a tub of Vaseline.
1:03:32 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. I've got a small tub of Vaseline. And you can offer that.
1:03:38 Speaker 01 Hmm.
1:03:39 Speaker 00 Yeah. But I think there's certain etiquette to that. Like, you tend to use a finger.
1:03:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, if I put my lips into your tub of Vaseline and sort of kissed it onto my lips.
1:03:48 Speaker 00 I would never use someone else's lip silt or chapstick.
1:03:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's horrible.
1:03:51 Speaker 00 But then, when it's become bum silt, can she not tell?
1:03:55 Speaker 02 No, no, no, you're not telling.
1:03:57 Speaker 01 All of this is making my lips rather dry.
1:04:00 Speaker 00 Has that been on your bum?
1:04:02 Speaker 01 Uh, no.
1:04:02 Speaker 00 Also, I.
1:04:07 Speaker 00 The bum seal, I, it's, I'm not feeling it.
1:04:13 Speaker 02 What do you mean? No one's feeling it.
1:04:15 Speaker 00 I reckon she could tell, or, but also you'd never guess, you would never think, oh, this has been on his bum.
1:04:19 Speaker 02 Course not, thing is, what else could he have done? Because you can't go, no, don't use that! In a panicked manner, because then it's clear something untoward's happened to the bum seal.
1:04:28 Speaker 01 I think you'd be entitled to say, what the hell do you think you're doing?
1:04:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, I suppose if you played cooler than that, yeah.
1:04:31 Speaker 00 But, you could say, oh, I'd rather you didn't. What you can't say as well, I think I would have done in that situation, say, please don't use that, it's been on my anus.
1:04:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:43 Speaker 02 You can't say that.
1:04:44 Speaker 00 You can't say that.
1:04:45 Speaker 02 No.
1:04:46 Speaker 01 I don't think you could say, hey, you don't know where that's been.
1:04:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's nice.
1:04:51 Speaker 01 I can't use that, but maybe they were less, I guess, obviously not just pre-COVID, but pre, the bloody woke brigade, people didn't care about getting, like, contaminating things in the eighties.
1:05:02 Speaker 02 It was a pretty lady as well, so he probably panicked a bit, you know?
1:05:04 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:05:05 Speaker 00 I also.
1:05:05 Speaker 02 Because you don't want to embarrass yourself.
1:05:07 Speaker 00 I also think, I'll stop doing that, it's horrible.
1:05:11 Speaker 01 It's a very deep cut impression. If you, if you are my age and you had the, uh, James and the Giant Peach audiobook that was around in the mid eighties, the little magic man that gives James the, uh, worms goes.
1:05:28 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:05:29 Speaker 02 That's niche, yeah.
1:05:30 Speaker 00 Thanks.
1:05:30 Speaker 01 You're welcome.
1:05:31 Speaker 00 Uh, I thought she was gonna walk in on him playing it.
1:05:35 Speaker 02 Ah.
1:05:36 Speaker 00 That's where my mind had gone. I thought she was gonna somehow, maybe she had off his toilets and she was gonna walk in and he was sitting on the, loo, applying lipstick to his bum.
1:05:46 Speaker 01 And it is quite a dainty thing to be doing to your bum. Almost like putting lipstick on it.
1:05:51 Speaker 00 Mine boggles.
1:05:52 Speaker 01 Um, but we've all done it, some of us in front of Gabby Logan's press secretary, uh, before the London Marathon.
1:05:58 Speaker 02 That was mad. Yeah, I wonder if that'll be her shamewell one day that she sends into us.
1:06:03 Speaker 01 Well, that's the job of a press secretary is to shield Logan from the gritty reality of the London Marathon.
1:06:10 Speaker 02 The amount of times she's seen a marathon runner.
1:06:13 Speaker 00 But Logan will know the ins and outs.
1:06:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, but she doesn't necessarily want to be exposed to the ins or the outs.
1:06:21 Speaker 02 No, if that press secretary's done their job well, she isn't reporting that back to Logan.
1:06:25 Speaker 00 No, we should ask, we should ask Gabby what she'd think if she'd interviewed you mid.
1:06:29 Speaker 02 If she listens.
1:06:30 Speaker 00 Mid rub.
1:06:32 Speaker 01 So thank you everyone for your shamewells. Now, we've got a special request for shamewells for us to use at Crosswires Festival in Sheffield, where Ellis and I and Dave are doing a live version of this podcast. And we need your shamewells. We need your Sheffield shames.
1:06:48 Speaker 02 It'd be good if you're in the crowd and you've got a shame that you're desperate to get off your chest, because it'd be good if in real time, we're expunging the shame of someone in the room.
1:06:56 Speaker 00 But send them to us in advance, obviously.
1:06:59 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:06:59 Speaker 00 For the day to [email protected] .
1:07:02 Speaker 01 So thanks so much for listening, everyone. We wish you all the best. Bye bye.
1:07:06 Speaker 00 Goodbye.
1:07:14 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.
1:07:20 Speaker 02 And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.
1:07:25 Speaker 01 Plus, you can find all things E J J R, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.
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