Pod Insights Elis James and John Robins #550 - By The Heart, CBDTea and Laughing in the Yurt with Charlize About this episode It has been decreed that this is a football free zone. Well not until John nips out for a vape. Then when he returns, Elis, Dave and the production staff are all attentive and silent.
But in this chill zone we imagine a chill world. One in which John has 5.2m followers overnight and has a wellness brand whilst dating a Hollywood heavyweight. You might think it’s a leap but rather a reality that was only one swipe away.
Also, Elis also asks a very rare thing - a non-archaic question. Could Dave do an indie disco at The Azteca? And how will John be by the time he hits his third party on Saturday? In a word, flagging.
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Transcript 12,811 words · 7 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Alice and John.
0:04 Speaker 01 If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...
0:10 Speaker 00 Mini golf.
0:11 Speaker 01 It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.
0:14 Speaker 00 Bird watching.
0:15 Speaker 02 My two favourite things are birds and football.
0:18 Speaker 01 And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.
0:22 Speaker 03 So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Alice is there as well.
0:26 Speaker 01 Alice is there as well, Dave.
0:27 Speaker 02 We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.
0:32 Speaker 00 So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.
0:40 Speaker 04 I've got big news. I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone, and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh. Anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them. Everybody, listen up. Shh. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now. No trade-in needed. And the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us. Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for watch or iPad required. Additional terms apply for all offers.
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2:03 Speaker 00 Hello. Thank you very much for downloading and listening to this episode of the podcast. I'm Elis James and with Dave Besterman and the all powerful, the all seeing John Robbins. Because about three minutes ago, five members of staff in the office were discussing the World Cup. And John said, football free zones will stop and everyone just stopped.
2:23 Speaker 03 Thing is, you don't even back in the room for 10 seconds.
2:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:26 Speaker 01 But I've been able to hear it from where I was and that annoyed me.
2:30 Speaker 00 Yeah. So the conversation was happening with John in a different room and then he came in, immediately put it to an end. And then we were all quiet as mice, scuttling and doing our jobs in complete silence.
2:42 Speaker 01 You have to respect my World Cup boycott because it's from a moral stance.
2:48 Speaker 00 Okay.
2:48 Speaker 01 And also my boycott, I've not seen a kick or a goal so far.
2:52 Speaker 03 Oh, well done. It's like Wamageddon but for World Cup.
2:55 Speaker 01 Tell you what I did see, which I did really like, is a load of Ghanaian schoolchildren watching the game. And the one in the front row gets the notification of the goal about 10 seconds before it goes in. And he's standing up and he's looking at his phone and he's looking and he knows there's going to be a goal.
3:13 Speaker 00 Fantastic.
3:14 Speaker 01 Have you seen it?
3:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:15 Speaker 01 And then they go absolutely wild.
3:16 Speaker 03 But did he ruin it for everyone else?
3:18 Speaker 01 No, because he's kind of like, can't contain it. So he doesn't turn around and go, we've scored.
3:22 Speaker 03 Oh, nice. Because a lot of people would have done that.
3:25 Speaker 01 Oh, it's so nice.
3:26 Speaker 00 Well, that's, that's kind of your job, I think, in a ground. If you get, if you get given notice before everyone else, you have to alert them. So I quite admire his non spoiler alert approach.
3:36 Speaker 01 Couldn't happen in a ground, could it?
3:38 Speaker 00 No, but what sometimes happens, no, no, no. But what happens is if you're playing.
3:42 Speaker 03 There's one influencer that does it, actually.
3:43 Speaker 01 But you can't, no, you can't get notified of a goal before the goal has gone in.
3:47 Speaker 00 If you're playing a football match and there's a very important football match happening elsewhere.
3:52 Speaker 01 In another one, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
3:53 Speaker 03 There's an influencer.
3:55 Speaker 01 Is there?
3:55 Speaker 03 I keep.
3:55 Speaker 01 I'll know them, Dave.
3:57 Speaker 03 You won't.
3:57 Speaker 01 Of course I will. I'm an influencer.
4:00 Speaker 03 It's not KSI Beast. I think she's called Celine. She does a lot of football stuff and she goes.
4:05 Speaker 00 Canadian.
4:07 Speaker 03 Man City have scored. Because she, Man City have scored.
4:09 Speaker 01 And what accent is she doing that in, Dave?
4:12 Speaker 03 I think she's Portuguese.
4:14 Speaker 01 You think so? Okay.
4:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think she is because she loves Ronaldo. Anyway, and she'll go, oh, I'll just do it normally.
4:21 Speaker 01 No, you can't now.
4:22 Speaker 00 You won't, you've got to do the voice.
4:23 Speaker 01 Do your perfectly accurate Portuguese accent.
4:25 Speaker 00 And it's actually fine to do a Portuguese accent.
4:27 Speaker 03 Oh, Man City have scored.
4:29 Speaker 01 That's not too bad, is it? That's not too bad.
4:31 Speaker 03 I've gone red.
4:32 Speaker 01 Like the Portuguese flag.
4:34 Speaker 03 And she's on her phone, she's on her phone and she goes, oh, Man City have scored. And then the person who's filming her then cuts to the attack and then the goal goes in. And it's, it's fun to watch once, but basically what it means is she's doing that probably about 30 times a game.
4:48 Speaker 01 I don't understand what the content is.
4:50 Speaker 03 She's seeing an attack happen.
4:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:52 Speaker 03 On her phone, she goes, oh, Man City have scored. She's doing exactly that. It's as if she's got, it's as if the match is delayed, but she's in the stadium and she's getting the notification before the goal goes in.
5:00 Speaker 00 So she's trying to preempt a goal.
5:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, but then obviously when the goal goes in, she goes, see? And it's, it's supposedly quite funny and impressive.
5:07 Speaker 00 So she must do that for every chance.
5:08 Speaker 03 She must do it for every chance.
5:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:10 Speaker 03 And there's people in the comments going, you must be the nightmare to sit next to. If every time the team are on attack, you're doing this, oh, Man City have scored.
5:17 Speaker 01 And that's, that makes her a living, does it?
5:20 Speaker 03 She is absolutely huge.
5:22 Speaker 01 We're in the wrong game.
5:23 Speaker 03 We're in the wrong game. Game's gone. Game has gone.
5:25 Speaker 00 Oh.
5:26 Speaker 01 But fair play to all Griss to a mill.
5:28 Speaker 03 She does some other good stuff. She does like football tricks and things like that.
5:31 Speaker 00 Oh, does she do things like, oh God, this is going to be a throw-in?
5:36 Speaker 03 Oh, John, she's just got 7.6 million followers.
5:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, and so good, and good to her, good to her.
5:42 Speaker 03 Good to her.
5:43 Speaker 01 And I want to meet her. What, let me see. Oh, she really seems like she really likes football.
5:49 Speaker 03 She loves it. She's, she seems lovely. So that's, so that's one there.
5:54 Speaker 00 But the, the goalie of Kate Verdi, you know, he started off the day with like 7,000 followers.
6:02 Speaker 01 You can't do it before a penalty.
6:04 Speaker 03 Sorry, I was just showing John one of the examples. She does. The one that I showed him is where she does it before someone stood up about to take a penalty. That's obvious. She does do it in open play as well.
6:14 Speaker 00 But all of those followers, right? So the goalie of Kate Verdi started the day with about 7,000 followers and then they had that incredible draw with Spain.
6:21 Speaker 03 We're talking about football going out of the car.
6:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, no, no, no, I'm going to ask John a question that isn't. About football and then overnight he's now on like five million followers.
6:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
6:29 Speaker 00 Which puts an awful lot of pressure on that first post. Since he's gained all of these new followers. So John, if I bought you five million followers overnight.
6:38 Speaker 01 And they're real, they're not bots.
6:39 Speaker 00 And they're real, they're real people.
6:42 Speaker 03 Name them.
6:44 Speaker 00 What are you doing with your first post?
6:46 Speaker 01 First post to my new five million followers.
6:50 Speaker 03 Great question. That's really good.
6:51 Speaker 00 It is, it is.
6:52 Speaker 03 Cause he's engaged again now.
6:53 Speaker 00 Do you know what it is? That's really surprising and uncharacteristic for me. It's a very modern question.
6:58 Speaker 03 It is actually, yeah. It's not okay, kind of slightest.
7:01 Speaker 00 Love that. Zoff's young.
7:03 Speaker 00 Zoff's nodding, she's so young.
7:07 Speaker 00 Cause this is the thing, so you're on, you know, 90,000 or whatever it is.
7:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:11 Speaker 00 And everyone, all of your followers know your vibe. They know what the brand is. But you've done something so spectacular that overnight you've got five million followers.
7:19 Speaker 01 And it's not like, but bad.
7:21 Speaker 00 No, no, it's a good thing. You've done a good thing.
7:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:24 Speaker 00 You told a really good joke.
7:26 Speaker 01 Okay, great.
7:27 Speaker 00 A really funny joke.
7:28 Speaker 03 Yeah, it went viral.
7:29 Speaker 01 Or I am Meghan Markle's new boyfriend.
7:34 Speaker 03 Yes, that'd do it. That'd do it.
7:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:36 Speaker 03 I think she's taken.
7:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, but well, that's, but the day this is an enormous scandal.
7:41 Speaker 03 Oh, wow.
7:42 Speaker 00 But now you're whispering into the realms of it being negative.
7:45 Speaker 01 Yes, okay, cause that would, that would mean an affair.
7:47 Speaker 00 Famous single person's new boyfriend and it's all fine.
7:51 Speaker 01 Yes.
7:51 Speaker 00 You're Olivia Rodrigo's new boyfriend.
7:53 Speaker 03 She's single?
7:54 Speaker 00 I don't know. I'm a.
7:55 Speaker 03 No, she's with Geese, Geese, Geese.
7:56 Speaker 00 Is she?
7:57 Speaker 01 She's with the camera winter, yeah.
7:59 Speaker 00 I can't think of another famous single person.
8:01 Speaker 03 I think Jennifer Lopez is single.
8:03 Speaker 01 No, she's, well, not from what I've heard, but can say no more.
8:07 Speaker 00 Okay.
8:12 Speaker 00 This is a matter, this is a matter.
8:13 Speaker 03 Come on, Harris's new boyfriend.
8:15 Speaker 01 No, some time ago, I liked Charlize Theron's dating profile and she didn't respond.
8:22 Speaker 00 Right.
8:22 Speaker 01 So maybe Charlize, though I'm no longer on that dating site, gets in touch with my agent.
8:29 Speaker 00 This is real life?
8:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is real life.
8:30 Speaker 00 Okay.
8:31 Speaker 01 Says, I've made a terrible mistake.
8:33 Speaker 03 How did I miss this?
8:34 Speaker 01 I didn't realise that it was John off the podcast I listened to. I'd like to arrange a date with John.
8:39 Speaker 00 Can I, can I, can I just establish it's definitely not Ellis? Cause I hate him.
8:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:43 Speaker 00 I certainly hate his standard.
8:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, she'll be leaving at half time.
8:47 Speaker 00 She said, we need a name for the people who are gonna leave during the interval.
8:51 Speaker 01 I go on a date with Charlize Theron.
8:53 Speaker 00 The halftime vibe killers.
8:54 Speaker 01 Atop the Shard and we.
8:57 Speaker 00 So everyone can see.
8:58 Speaker 01 Exactly. So, and we are papped 360 degrees.
9:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:02 Speaker 01 By helicopters and drones.
9:04 Speaker 00 Okay, not like, you're not like little ants because all the cameramen are down the bottom.
9:07 Speaker 01 Yeah. How many followers has Charlize Theron got?
9:11 Speaker 00 She'll have a few.
9:13 Speaker 01 Charlize Theron has got 8.2 million followers, five million of them, 5.1 million, follow me. Who's this hunk?
9:21 Speaker 00 Yeah, is what a proportion will say.
9:24 Speaker 01 Yes, most will say.
9:30 Speaker 01 So my first, my first post would be, I think it's time probably to shake off the 90,000 and to introduce the real me.
9:39 Speaker 00 No, surely it's time to, to introduce them, introduce them to Bad Golf with Alex.
9:45 Speaker 01 That has been inactive for three years.
9:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:47 Speaker 01 And I think the website address has just expired.
9:50 Speaker 00 Okay.
9:52 Speaker 01 No, I launched my wellness brand.
9:55 Speaker 00 Yeah?
9:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:56 Speaker 00 Okay, that is quite on brand.
9:58 Speaker 01 John Robbins, by the heart. And it's a series of yoga mats, ceramics, local honeys, local to wherever you are.
10:09 Speaker 00 I thought you were single.
10:13 Speaker 01 Trainers, but wellness trainers.
10:15 Speaker 00 Wellness trainers.
10:16 Speaker 01 Because they're made of hemp.
10:17 Speaker 00 They're made of hemp and they don't have souls.
10:21 Speaker 01 Well, no, they do have souls.
10:22 Speaker 00 Because walking barefoot on grass lowers your blood pressure. So they just cover the top bit of your foot.
10:27 Speaker 01 But walking barefoot on glass raises your blood pressure, which is why we invented shoes.
10:32 Speaker 00 Exactly. But this is, this, this is, these are your wellness trainers for people with access to a garden.
10:38 Speaker 01 Okay. So my wellness trainers are like the Flintstones car.
10:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:42 Speaker 01 So they're trainers around the outside, but barefoot on the bottom.
10:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:47 Speaker 00 Okay. Okay. And what do you do? Do you do little videos, say, hey, gang, my name's John Robbins?
10:53 Speaker 03 I'm going out with Charlize Theron.
10:55 Speaker 01 I get Charlize Theron's mates to like appear in my videos. So the first one would, I don't know, be, hey, I'm at home with Meryl Streep, a friend of mine who just likes to pop in for some fresh strawberries that I grow in my garden and we're using my wellness spoons to eat them. And they're specially embossed with hearts at the end of the spoon.
11:13 Speaker 00 Of course they are.
11:13 Speaker 01 And they're 500 grand each.
11:16 Speaker 00 You've only got to sell one.
11:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
11:18 Speaker 00 You've got to sell one spoon to an idiot.
11:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:21 Speaker 00 And it's life changing.
11:22 Speaker 01 Exactly.
11:22 Speaker 03 So you've not gone down like the, the, the content route here. You've gone down, how do I monetize this as quickly as possible? Which is fine.
11:29 Speaker 01 What, what does 5.2 million followers mean to you?
11:35 Speaker 03 Su- success?
11:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, marketplace.
11:37 Speaker 03 Marketplace.
11:38 Speaker 01 Yeah. So my wellness brand.
11:40 Speaker 03 Okay.
11:43 Speaker 00 Okay. It is an odd brand for 5.2 million new followers to get to grips with. Wellness queen sadness.
11:52 Speaker 01 Well, I don't talk about queen or sadness.
11:54 Speaker 03 No, he deleted them all.
11:55 Speaker 01 It's gone, that's gone.
11:57 Speaker 00 Old John is, is dead.
11:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, he's not doing this anymore.
11:59 Speaker 01 It's me doing a cat cow. Um, so I'm on my, a, a by the heart or from the heart. It doesn't matter which. Yoga mat, doing my cat cow.
12:09 Speaker 00 First thing, in your little house?
12:11 Speaker 01 Yeah. No, because I'm in a big house now.
12:13 Speaker 00 Of course, yeah, you were Charlie's the one.
12:15 Speaker 01 Um, so I take my in-breath. Hello, new followers. John Robbins here.
12:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:21 Speaker 01 Everything I do is by the heart slash from the heart, doesn't matter which.
12:27 Speaker 01 And it's like C B D T, as in T E T E A.
12:31 Speaker 00 Yes.
12:32 Speaker 01 Which we, which I would put in just C B D T, the letter. That's the brand of my C B D T.
12:38 Speaker 03 So you've still got humour in there?
12:39 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Is there any room for humour in your wellness brand?
12:43 Speaker 01 Big time. We like to have a laugh in the yurt.
12:45 Speaker 00 Of course.
12:46 Speaker 01 Um, because a cacao ceremony should be amusing because you are essentially drinking hot chocolate.
12:55 Speaker 03 Are you putting on those camps where everyone goes and they do loads of acid and stuff like that?
12:58 Speaker 00 Ayahuasca.
12:59 Speaker 03 Ayahuasca, yeah.
13:00 Speaker 00 John's a very anti Ayahuasca.
13:02 Speaker 01 It's drug free.
13:02 Speaker 00 It's drug free.
13:03 Speaker 01 Because there's no grasping. There's no searching for altered states.
13:06 Speaker 00 Oh God, you sound quite realistic then.
13:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:09 Speaker 00 God, you take a lot of this complete [BLEEP] on, don't you?
13:12 Speaker 01 So what would you? Dave, what would you do with your, with your 5 million new followers?
13:17 Speaker 00 I'd just put on All My Friends at the O2 Arena.
13:19 Speaker 01 I knew you would.
13:20 Speaker 00 At Wembley.
13:22 Speaker 01 Will you try and sell out the Crosswires one first?
13:25 Speaker 00 Yeah. You could do a day disco at Wembley Stadium.
13:30 Speaker 03 Day do at Wembley Stadium.
13:32 Speaker 00 You could do a day do at all of the World Cup venues. You could do a day do in Mexico City.
13:36 Speaker 03 I could, I could do all that. But there's, yeah, there's, there's, there's, there's smaller ones that I need to sell out first, probably.
13:44 Speaker 00 I think Hannah'd have something to say. If you said that you're gonna do a day do in Mexico City, because it'd be 5.2 million followers.
13:52 Speaker 03 Oh, she'd say, what, what bunts are you bringing home from that? Is this gonna get us to Centre Parcs in October? I'd say, yes, it will get us to Centre Parcs. You know what, we can stay for six days, not four. And she'll go, get the hell out to Mexico.
14:03 Speaker 00 Off you go.
14:04 Speaker 03 And you can have spa day if you like, and we can play badminton this time. Because we have the, we have the money.
14:10 Speaker 01 You have to pay extra to play badminton?
14:12 Speaker 03 It is an absolute swizz, John.
14:13 Speaker 01 Good grief.
14:15 Speaker 03 So I would, yeah, I'd go to Mexico and take All My Friends International.
14:22 Speaker 03 With Ivo Graham.
14:25 Speaker 01 What's All My Friends in Spanish?
14:28 Speaker 00 I've got no, no idea. I don't speak any Spanish.
14:33 Speaker 01 You what?
14:35 Speaker 01 Todos mis amigos.
14:37 Speaker 03 That works.
14:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:39 Speaker 03 If I could see all my todos mis amigos tonight.
14:41 Speaker 00 That sounds, that sounds quite snappy.
14:43 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
14:47 Speaker 03 Todos, well done, Zoff.
14:49 Speaker 01 Zoff, do you speak Spanish?
14:52 Speaker 03 Wow, that's good.
14:53 Speaker 01 GCSE's enough.
14:54 Speaker 03 Todos mis amigos.
14:55 Speaker 01 If you can run a club night out there, then you're halfway.
14:58 Speaker 03 Yeah. What would you do, Ellis? You just made, you just, you shacked up with Charlie's.
15:05 Speaker 00 Do you know what I'd forget? Oh no, I think I'd feel the pressure. I think I would. Wouldn't post for a very long time and then I would just watch my followers dwindle.
15:14 Speaker 03 No, do you know what you should do? And you already do this.
15:16 Speaker 00 5.2, 4.9, 4.7, 4.1, 3.2, oh dear.
15:24 Speaker 03 Has anyone seen Alice recently?
15:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, and I'd just whittle it down to the original 80,000, my favourites.
15:29 Speaker 03 But what if your most accessible?
15:30 Speaker 00 And then I'd, then I'd use the remaining half a million followers to plug a Welsh language gig.
15:35 Speaker 03 Okay. I think some of your more accessible content is your piano playing. And I think to a brand new audience, that would go down just as well as it does with your current fans.
15:44 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
15:45 Speaker 03 Just the iPhone on the side.
15:46 Speaker 00 Like the way you said, some of your more accessible content, as if, as if some of it is the Miles Davis bitches brew of Instagram posts.
15:56 Speaker 03 It's all good stuff that you're doing, Al, but that's, that's, that's nice wholesome content that everyone, no one's not liking that.
16:02 Speaker 00 Yeah. It would be, you know, I get scrutiny from, for my house when I do those. People point out that my kids put stickers on the windows and stuff. I wouldn't want the scrutiny from five million different people. So I'd have to hire a studio, I'd have to do it at Abbey Road.
16:16 Speaker 03 Well, you're not seeing your kids anymore because you've shacked off with Charlize Theron.
16:18 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah. Good idea. Good point.
16:19 Speaker 03 Your family are out of the picture.
16:21 Speaker 00 Yeah. Goodbye.
16:34 Speaker 00 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.
16:43 Speaker 00 Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.
16:47 Speaker 06 They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble.
16:48 Speaker 00 But was he set up? Wanted, I've fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
16:58 Speaker 05 You're not going to end up going to prison, do you, kidlet?
17:00 Speaker 00 I'm Josie Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now, wherever you get. Your podcasts.
17:09 Speaker 00 I went to a birthday party this week.
17:13 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
17:14 Speaker 00 My good friend, the great Chris Skull, and he hired a chef. I think he knows him, but it was this, this chef was on MasterChef and did very well, apparently.
17:24 Speaker 00 And he cooked all of this beautiful Mexican food. So it was the night of the England Croatia game. So it was very small groups. We went over there to what, it was a six course meal.
17:33 Speaker 01 Amazing.
17:33 Speaker 00 In his house and we watched the match and he put a big screen up. Brilliant. First course, I didn't know what it was. I don't know very much about Mexican food. Anyway, it arrived delicious apart from the the bottom stuff, the stuff on the bottom of the plate wasn't great.
17:50 Speaker 01 So, hang on, describe what it was.
17:52 Speaker 00 It was like, it was like a sort of, it looked like a little hors d'oeuvre with, I think maybe caviar at the top. But on a bed of stuff. So then I ate the hors d'oeuvre and then I was eating the bed of stuff, which was pretty unpleasant.
18:06 Speaker 01 Bed of stuff, hmm.
18:09 Speaker 00 You meant to eat the bed of stuff. Claire said, I don't think you're meant to eat the pebbles, Ellis.
18:13 Speaker 01 The pebbles.
18:14 Speaker 00 I said, what? It's a cuss, right? It's on the plate, isn't it?
18:18 Speaker 01 It's on the plate.
18:20 Speaker 00 I really don't think you are. Oh, it's a cuss, right? And then Tom Crane said, what, the little stones? And I went, no. I said, they'll be fine. So I said, excuse me, mate, you're meant to eat all this stuff. And he went, oh, God, no, sorry, I should have said. So I'd just eaten some Mexican stones.
18:37 Speaker 01 What, no, well, hold on. If Tom Crane is telling you, you've made a faux pas, you are in real trouble.
18:44 Speaker 00 And then for the rest of the evening, then, every time he brought.
18:46 Speaker 01 Didn't it hurt your teeth?
18:47 Speaker 00 Yeah. Yeah, I just thought, God, the Mexicans have got, got strong teeth. This is awful. So, yeah, so then every time the guy, the food was amazing. Then for me, for the benefit, for my benefit, every time he brought anything over, he'd say. You could eat all of this, Sal. I'd be like, oh, thank you.
19:06 Speaker 01 Oh, I think that's a bit unfair, because if you're putting something on a plate and you're cooking high-end stuff, I think you do need to go, by the way, that's for, that's for display, that's display pebbles.
19:17 Speaker 00 I didn't realise they were display pebbles, but then obviously everyone else is having a lot of fun as he was bringing all this fantastic food over. People are like, excuse me, mate, you got any gravel for this?
19:28 Speaker 00 Sorry, oh mate, Ellis loves gravel. He loves eating gravel or chipmunks or little pebbles. You got any stones, mate? Any brick dust for Ellis? He loves, oh yeah. And then I just sort of phantom fear stomachache because I'd been eating gravel.
19:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course.
19:42 Speaker 03 Because you shouldn't, you shouldn't eat gravel.
19:44 Speaker 00 We shouldn't eat gravel, but then it was, it was broadly fine.
19:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:47 Speaker 00 But, um, yeah, I just felt, um, because I was amongst friends, I didn't feel too embarrassed. If I'd done that in a restaurant, imagine if I'd done it on a date. Eating gravel on a date.
19:58 Speaker 03 But didn't something happen?
19:59 Speaker 01 We've had shame wells of people eating salt.
20:01 Speaker 03 Yes.
20:02 Speaker 01 And people eating oil.
20:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, I remember Izzy putting paraffin on a pizza.
20:07 Speaker 03 That was it, I knew there was something.
20:08 Speaker 00 Yeah. And me saying that I'd done it because I'm such a great guy.
20:12 Speaker 03 That's, yeah.
20:13 Speaker 00 Thinking it was chili oil.
20:15 Speaker 03 Yeah. It's good of you to, it's, it's gentlemanly.
20:18 Speaker 00 It was good of me, Dave.
20:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
20:19 Speaker 00 And that, that is why I'm going to retain some of my five million new followers.
20:24 Speaker 03 Well, no, you, no, because that is good of you.
20:26 Speaker 00 Good guy index.
20:26 Speaker 03 But you've shacked off with Charlize.
20:28 Speaker 00 Oh, of course.
20:28 Speaker 03 Left your family behind.
20:29 Speaker 00 It's so impossible then to maintain the good guy index. When you've gone and shacked off for someone else.
20:34 Speaker 03 Yeah. I went to, um, I think I'm done with loud places now. I think I've hit that age. I went to the pub to watch England and I was like, I, 10 years ago, I would have loved, in fact, even five years ago.
20:46 Speaker 00 You'd have been chucking your pint glass in the air when this was.
20:48 Speaker 03 I was never the pint chucker guy, but I'd have got involved. Now it's like, can everyone just stop singing? I want to chat to my mate Ed next to me. The songs are also a little bit off colour, which I don't love. And I'm like, I just want to watch England.
21:01 Speaker 01 What do you mean by off colour?
21:02 Speaker 03 Oh, World War Two songs, like all that nonsense. It's 2026.
21:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:07 Speaker 03 Let it go. And also, we've got a German manager. It's madness, which no one had spotted the irony of. That wasn't why they were singing these ridiculous songs.
21:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, but the ability of Thiccos to compartmentalise issues is sort of well documented.
21:23 Speaker 03 But also, I think I just, I was very, I happily put up with and I suppose kind of shut all that stuff out until recently. But now I'm in my 40s, I'm like, I'm having to speak louder. It's, I'm just so like curmudgeonous now at this age. I was like, I could have watched this. It's nice to see my friends. I couldn't hear any of them because it's so blumming loud in here. So I think maybe it's, I'm not gonna, I don't think I'll do the pub for any of the game now.
21:46 Speaker 00 We used to be having a laugh pod.
21:48 Speaker 03 I know, it's sad, isn't it? But I think, I was just thinking, I was thinking, this is fine. It's a great game. It's fairly entertaining. It was good, but if I was just at home, if I put a screen up in the garden, like Chris did, or wherever you put a screen up, you've got, you know, eight to 10 of your best mates. You've got your fridge there.
22:04 Speaker 00 It was great.
22:05 Speaker 03 I think that's where I'm at now. I think that's the vibe. I think pubs are done. Pubs are done.
22:10 Speaker 00 Forever.
22:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think that's it.
22:12 Speaker 00 So what's the volume gonna be like at the next All My Friends, Steve?
22:15 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, but that's different.
22:16 Speaker 00 Right down.
22:17 Speaker 03 That's almost a, you know, a communion of like-minded people.
22:20 Speaker 00 Hmm, that you hate.
22:21 Speaker 03 And the fratellis.
22:24 Speaker 00 Well, this week, I ate gravel, which was a loss. Dave went to a noisy pub, which was a loss. But let's find out how John's week has been in John Wins Again.
22:41 Speaker 00 John wins again. Oh, John wins again. John wins again. John wins again, wins again, wins.
22:58 Speaker 01 Okay, first off, there was quite a big loss slash win this week, but I don't know whether to talk about it now or whether to talk about it on Tuesday.
23:10 Speaker 00 Okay.
23:11 Speaker 01 What do you want?
23:13 Speaker 00 Let's talk about it on Tuesday then.
23:15 Speaker 01 Okay.
23:15 Speaker 03 It's a lovely tease.
23:16 Speaker 00 If it's a big signifi loss or win.
23:19 Speaker 01 It's a signifi score draw.
23:21 Speaker 00 Oh, so it's, there's ambiguity as to whether it's a loss or win?
23:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, it definitely doesn't feel like a win, even though the outcome is good.
23:31 Speaker 00 Oh, then let's see this for Tuesday.
23:32 Speaker 01 Okay.
23:32 Speaker 00 Okay.
23:33 Speaker 01 So, listen to Tuesday's show to find out about my signifi score draw.
23:37 Speaker 03 What a share driver, isn't they call it?
23:39 Speaker 01 What?
23:40 Speaker 03 I don't know, I just heard someone say it once on the radio.
23:43 Speaker 01 Um, I have been introduced to the world of the farm shop.
23:49 Speaker 00 Oh, have you?
23:50 Speaker 01 I didn't realise that within about a 10 mile radius of me.
23:55 Speaker 00 Oh, they must be low.
23:55 Speaker 01 Some of the world's great farm shops. And one of them, I had the best lunch I've ever had.
24:02 Speaker 00 Okay.
24:03 Speaker 01 Have you ever heard the phrase Ottolenghi?
24:06 Speaker 00 Oh.
24:06 Speaker 01 That's got something to do with it.
24:08 Speaker 03 He played for Argentina.
24:10 Speaker 01 Very good. This is a football freezer.
24:13 Speaker 00 I know, but it, there's Otamendi.
24:15 Speaker 03 That works, that works even if you don't like football, it's an Argentinian sounding name.
24:20 Speaker 01 Um, and then, the farm shop attached is basically like going to Tebay, but I don't have to drive to the border with Scotland. It was incredible, frozen items, meats, cheeses. And there was a cheese room that you walked in.
24:37 Speaker 00 Oh no, I love that. There's a very nice farmers market near my house on a Saturday, which is just exceptional.
24:43 Speaker 01 It was superb.
24:45 Speaker 00 Also, cheese heads are an interesting bunch, the people for whom like cheese is the defining aspect of their personality.
24:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:54 Speaker 00 They're a bit like real ale kind of dweebs.
24:56 Speaker 01 Yes.
24:57 Speaker 00 But I, there's, there's definitely a Venn diagram, there's a big share in the Venn diagram.
25:01 Speaker 01 Also, it turns out to be my closest stockist of truckleman's pick a lily, who have been in contact with the show before.
25:07 Speaker 00 Okay. Well then, there you go, that's a win.
25:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's a win, that's a huge win. Um, what am I doing tomorrow? How many parties am I going to?
25:17 Speaker 00 Two and you'll hate both.
25:19 Speaker 01 No, three and I'll love them all or get tired and go home.
25:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:24 Speaker 01 Okay. I'm going, it's a three party Saturday.
25:26 Speaker 00 All right, I'm going to, I'm going to one with you, but I think we might miss each other because I'm doing Bristol Comedy Garden in, at lunchtime. I'm doing the 1pm show.
25:36 Speaker 01 Oh, my goodness.
25:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, which I didn't realise it was at one, but it is.
25:39 Speaker 01 What time are you getting to Ben's?
25:42 Speaker 00 Well, I'll have to do the gig and then get the train straight to, so late, late evening, I'd imagine.
25:46 Speaker 01 Okay.
25:48 Speaker 00 So you'll be at one of your other parties or the, or in bed by that point.
25:51 Speaker 01 Ben Partridge's birthday party. All beans will be in attendance, I would imagine. So, yeah, and then I'm going to a friend of a friend's birthday and then going to my friend Aoife's birthday. Hi Aoife. Um, shout out to everyone at Domino Records, of course.
26:06 Speaker 00 So which, so which one will you be in last?
26:10 Speaker 01 Uh, Aoife's birthday.
26:12 Speaker 00 So that's the one you'll be at grumpiest at and one for the, there for the least amount of time.
26:15 Speaker 01 Ellis, it starts at nine.
26:17 Speaker 00 PM?
26:18 Speaker 01 Have you ever heard anything like it in your life?
26:21 Speaker 03 She's in the, she's in the music industry.
26:24 Speaker 01 I know, I know.
26:24 Speaker 00 Oh, no.
26:25 Speaker 01 So.
26:26 Speaker 00 You're going to have to take drugs and sign a ban, John.
26:27 Speaker 01 When should I take the cocaine, Dave? Cause I've not taken it before.
26:31 Speaker 00 Oh, just before bed, I would.
26:33 Speaker 01 Do you reckon?
26:33 Speaker 00 Your teeth are there. A little line just before bed.
26:36 Speaker 01 Um, no, so looking forward to all of those. Who knows how it will go?
26:40 Speaker 00 I know, I know exactly how it will go. Your social battery will run out. It's like exponentially. So you'll be a bit of fun at the first one, less fun at the second one and no fun at the third one.
26:53 Speaker 01 Poor Aoife.
26:55 Speaker 00 Happy birthday, Bubba the Oppies.
26:57 Speaker 01 Um, have you heard the phrase best audiobook of the year so far slash best non-fiction of the year so far by Audible and Spotify respectively?
27:09 Speaker 01 Uh.
27:09 Speaker 00 Not for thirst.
27:11 Speaker 01 Big time.
27:13 Speaker 00 For thirst?
27:13 Speaker 01 Big time.
27:14 Speaker 00 Wow, but who said that?
27:16 Speaker 01 Audible and Spotify.
27:18 Speaker 00 What, officially?
27:18 Speaker 01 Respectively, yes.
27:19 Speaker 00 Really?
27:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm top of the pops.
27:22 Speaker 00 Are you?
27:23 Speaker 01 I'm pick of the charts.
27:23 Speaker 00 What, in, is that an award or is it just in terms of sales?
27:26 Speaker 01 No, it's editorially sort of picked selections.
27:30 Speaker 00 Oh.
27:31 Speaker 01 Of, um, of the great and good, so that was nice. However.
27:34 Speaker 00 That's good, because you found it very hard.
27:37 Speaker 01 Uh.
27:37 Speaker 00 And trying.
27:38 Speaker 01 Get ready for the loss column, Dave. Found the first typo in my book.
27:43 Speaker 00 I didn't want to tell you about that. I've read it twice, I didn't spot it.
27:45 Speaker 01 I've been through that book with thirty-one fine tooth combs.
27:49 Speaker 00 Ah.
27:50 Speaker 01 Not a single problem. However, there was something of a time-sensitive issue with the inner flaps.
27:58 Speaker 00 Not the inners.
27:59 Speaker 01 It's the flaps.
28:01 Speaker 00 Oh, that's quite a big, that's a biggie.
28:03 Speaker 01 I got a typo on my flap.
28:04 Speaker 00 I didn't read your flap.
28:06 Speaker 01 It says.
28:06 Speaker 00 We didn't have flaps.
28:07 Speaker 01 It says I won the Edinburgh Comedy Award in twenty sixteen.
28:10 Speaker 00 Ah, and you were [BLEEP] then. That was a terrible show.
28:15 Speaker 01 And I didn't notice it because I've confused winning the award with when my life fell apart.
28:21 Speaker 00 That time.
28:22 Speaker 01 Exactly.
28:22 Speaker 00 Do you know what?
28:23 Speaker 01 So twen- the twenty seventeen show is about twenty sixteen, so in my head.
28:28 Speaker 00 That's not a typo. Well, it is because it was copy and pasted from a document that had it correct. Oh.
28:35 Speaker 01 So somehow it's got changed.
28:37 Speaker 00 You corrected the correct version.
28:38 Speaker 01 That could may have happened.
28:40 Speaker 00 People are spotting that.
28:41 Speaker 01 Someone has.
28:42 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
28:42 Speaker 01 But it did take two months of it being out.
28:44 Speaker 00 Who spotted it? The winner of the twenty sixteen Edinburgh Comedy Award.
28:49 Speaker 01 Uh, who was it?
28:50 Speaker 00 Twenty sixteen, I can't remember.
28:51 Speaker 01 Um, but anyway, yeah, so, uh, that will be taken care of for reprints and the paperback.
28:56 Speaker 00 Yeah, who's been fired?
28:57 Speaker 01 No one's been fired.
28:58 Speaker 00 Well, John should have fired himself, really.
29:00 Speaker 01 Well, we can't, there's, there's no paper trail.
29:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's tried, he's looked.
29:05 Speaker 01 Uh. My friends bought me a leatherman to say thank you for taking them to the Alps and on the knife it's got engraved, we love you, John, and then I got so excited about it, I cut my finger.
29:19 Speaker 00 What's a Leatherman?
29:21 Speaker 01 We've been through this.
29:22 Speaker 00 Is that the thing that's like a Swiss Army knife?
29:24 Speaker 03 Well, they say it's not, though. That's the thing.
29:26 Speaker 01 Well, it's, you know, it's definitely in the same ballpark.
29:29 Speaker 00 It's an adult.
29:29 Speaker 03 Zoff's got a Leatherman.
29:30 Speaker 00 It's an adult Swiss Army knife.
29:32 Speaker 03 Come on, Zoff, bring over the Leatherman. Don't give it to Johnny. Can't be trusted with it, clearly.
29:36 Speaker 00 Thank you.
29:37 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah, so it's-
29:38 Speaker 00 Right, a grown-up Swiss Army knife.
29:40 Speaker 01 It's in the form of pliers and, um, they got me a really, yes, mine's like that, Zoff. Uh, and, uh, I, I cut myself straight away, testing how sharp the knife was by slicing it across my thumb.
29:53 Speaker 00 Why?
29:55 Speaker 01 Because I was excited by the new knife date.
29:57 Speaker 00 Because I never think that knives and these things are very sharp, but they are, are they?
30:01 Speaker 01 You won't be able to work out how to get the knife out in a million years.
30:04 Speaker 00 Of course not. Don't want to.
30:07 Speaker 01 Um, I saw a little mouse in the garden.
30:11 Speaker 00 Ew.
30:11 Speaker 01 No, it's lovely.
30:13 Speaker 00 Uh-
30:13 Speaker 01 It lives under my shed.
30:15 Speaker 00 Okay. Are you feeding it?
30:16 Speaker 01 No, just watching it go about its biz.
30:19 Speaker 00 And that's a win?
30:19 Speaker 01 Ah, huge win.
30:20 Speaker 00 What if it comes in your house?
30:22 Speaker 01 It's not going to, because I live in the countryside.
30:23 Speaker 00 That's what mice do.
30:24 Speaker 01 No, mice do that in the city.
30:26 Speaker 00 Hmm.
30:27 Speaker 01 Because there's more food in the houses than there is outside. Um, but a lovely little mouse. Um. I'm back.
30:36 Speaker 00 He's back. Oh, you're doing stand-up again?
30:37 Speaker 01 Well, I compared my first gig in seven months.
30:41 Speaker 00 Where was that?
30:41 Speaker 01 Bristol Comedy Garden.
30:43 Speaker 00 Okay, I'm doing it on Saturday. Was it all right?
30:45 Speaker 01 Yes. Can you make sure that you mention the fact standing together against domestic abuse are there with the tent and they're taking donations?
30:52 Speaker 00 Oh, I will do.
30:53 Speaker 01 Because they're partnering with the Comedy Gardens.
30:55 Speaker 00 My friend just did was there and he said he mentioned me and I got a small cheer.
30:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, you got a small cheer.
31:01 Speaker 00 I can handle that.
31:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:02 Speaker 00 One that, one that hasn't been, you know, solicited for or prepared for.
31:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:06 Speaker 00 Just random cheers. I can cope with that. I hope I get a bigger cheer tomorrow and I hope I'm good.
31:12 Speaker 01 You'll be great.
31:13 Speaker 00 For 18 years.
31:14 Speaker 01 That's a win in the sense that the gig went well, but a loss in the sense that I was anxious about it for three months.
31:19 Speaker 00 Yes, you have been. Did you do much material or was it complete vibe metrics?
31:24 Speaker 01 It was, I did some material I'd written in my head on the way.
31:28 Speaker 00 Okay, and how did that go?
31:30 Speaker 01 Okay.
31:31 Speaker 00 Oh, well done.
31:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:32 Speaker 00 Bristol stuff.
31:33 Speaker 01 No, um, well, I don't want to. The problem is, and this is not a problem, what a lovely problem to have, all my anecdotes are used on this show.
31:42 Speaker 00 Yes, well, that's what put me off doing stand-up for eight years.
31:44 Speaker 01 So I have to create a Chinese wall between my stand-up and you guys and this programme.
31:50 Speaker 03 So you're not giving us your best stuff?
31:52 Speaker 01 Well.
31:52 Speaker 00 No, but this.
31:53 Speaker 01 You kind of.
31:53 Speaker 03 We better be getting your best stuff, John.
31:55 Speaker 00 No, no, no, this happened to me. All of the stories I used to tell, especially in the first 10 minutes of the last 12 years, would have in one, at one time gone into stand-up.
32:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:05 Speaker 00 But then I was using them, I was wasting them all on you and John and creating an audience of millions.
32:09 Speaker 01 So what you have to do is expand on ideas you've perhaps raised on the show.
32:15 Speaker 00 But I can't do that. And I'm unwilling to do it.
32:19 Speaker 01 Um, I went to see Twain.
32:22 Speaker 00 Oh, tomorrow I could just say, what's a leverman's, like a grown-up Swiss Army knife.
32:25 Speaker 03 There you go.
32:26 Speaker 00 And then expand on it a bit.
32:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:30 Speaker 03 They're sharp, aren't they?
32:32 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, and then bring on the first act. Okay.
32:36 Speaker 01 I saw Twain at the old church in Stoke Newington, which was great, but he didn't play my favourite song, which I know he had played on the night before.
32:44 Speaker 03 This is the problem with them switching up the sets, John.
32:47 Speaker 01 This is the problem.
32:48 Speaker 00 Is it a hit? One of the most well-known songs?
32:52 Speaker 01 Well, I was sort of thinking about this. So he's not a, like a big act.
32:56 Speaker 00 Yeah.
32:56 Speaker 01 There's a, the venue's like 60 capacity.
32:59 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
32:59 Speaker 01 You've done two nights. You are?
33:01 Speaker 00 Shania's brother.
33:01 Speaker 01 No, but he is a nightmare to Google.
33:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, for that reason, I'd imagine, yeah.
33:06 Speaker 01 If you Google Twain musician.
33:07 Speaker 00 I did have done.
33:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's, it's.
33:09 Speaker 00 Matt Davidson.
33:10 Speaker 01 Oh, how did you not get Shania?
33:12 Speaker 00 He's got, he's got a firewall on Shania Twain content on his laptop.
33:17 Speaker 03 No, he's got, he's got a Wikipedia, it's very minimal, but he has got a Wikipedia page.
33:20 Speaker 01 He played this beautiful church, old church in Stoke Newington, um, and, you know, sunlight coming in through the stained glass, him and a guitar, very intimate. Everyone sat on the floor. I managed to get a chair.
33:33 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
33:33 Speaker 01 Good. So there are only about five chairs. Everyone else is on the floor.
33:37 Speaker 00 How did you get one of the five?
33:39 Speaker 01 Because.
33:39 Speaker 00 There must have been some people who needed them all.
33:41 Speaker 01 I was gonna say.
33:42 Speaker 00 You feel good.
33:44 Speaker 01 No.
33:44 Speaker 03 Barging people out of the way.
33:45 Speaker 00 To a woman with a sort of baby on board badge, she's like.
33:48 Speaker 01 Stand up. No, so me and the person I was there with, so there were two chairs free, separated by one guy in the middle. And I think everyone else coming in had been couples and no one had had the sort of confidence to go, oh, if you budge up one, we can sit together. So they'd all sat on the floor, whereas I was like, oh, can you, and then we can, and, and then we got the chairs. Um, so win, win, win. But, uh, I was thinking this about like acts who aren't hugely well known. So you can't really say what's the hit. But I would imagine, I think maybe it's the, should be the law. That every musician has to play their five most played songs on Spotify.
34:32 Speaker 00 I agree.
34:33 Speaker 01 Good rule.
34:34 Speaker 00 I agree. I hate it. I hate it and the band doesn't do one of.
34:39 Speaker 01 Well, the problem is you're waiting for it.
34:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
34:42 Speaker 01 So in your head, every time it's not your song, you're disappointed.
34:46 Speaker 00 Yeah. And if you have a favorite song that's a B-side, then you've got to take that on the chin, I think. But if it was a single or if it's.
34:53 Speaker 01 Well, this is the thing when it's a very small scale act, they don't necessarily have singles. But if I were to look at his, um, most played songs, would it?
35:06 Speaker 01 Hmm.
35:08 Speaker 00 I'll go a different provider. I'll go Apple Music.
35:12 Speaker 01 Oh no, it's actually not one of his most played songs and he did play his most.
35:16 Speaker 00 So you played Man, I Feel Like A Woman?
35:19 Speaker 01 It's still the one I want. But then I don't even know if those are, those Spotify things aren't necessarily correct because they're not in played order.
35:25 Speaker 00 So he didn't play that Don't Impress Me, man.
35:29 Speaker 03 Shania has looked bang on form supporting Harry Styles.
35:33 Speaker 00 I'd go and watch Shania Twain.
35:34 Speaker 03 Aye, she's, she's got way more tunes than you think.
35:38 Speaker 01 Absolutely. But if, if, I would recommend the albums Rare Feeling and New Miami Sound of Twain.
35:44 Speaker 00 What's the song called that you wanted?
35:46 Speaker 01 The song is called Little Dog Mind.
35:49 Speaker 00 Oh, it's low down on Apple.
35:51 Speaker 01 Is it? What is it?
35:52 Speaker 00 I mean, I can't even.
35:52 Speaker 01 It's my fault.
35:53 Speaker 00 I can't even find, oh, right, right down the bottom. Little Dog Mind, Rare Feeling 2017.
35:59 Speaker 01 It's so good, Little Dog Mind.
36:01 Speaker 00 Well, I think you've got to take that one on the chin a little bit.
36:05 Speaker 01 Yes, I think I do, actually, and I was glad of having the chair. Um, so there we go, those, oh, and the first episode of Don't Think So Somehow, which I listened to three times.
36:16 Speaker 00 Yes, I listened to it as well.
36:17 Speaker 01 It is so funny.
36:19 Speaker 03 Very listenable.
36:20 Speaker 00 The final 10 minutes is hysterical.
36:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's awards folder stuff.
36:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
36:25 Speaker 03 Oh, is it?
36:26 Speaker 01 So that's the new podcast from Alistair Green and Rachel Stubings, which I, you know, I'll be honest, I've played a part in bringing to the world.
36:34 Speaker 00 They're a very talented duo.
36:36 Speaker 01 So good.
36:37 Speaker 00 So, um, yeah, the final 10 minutes, I was on public transport and it was embarrassing how much I was laughing because people then, and if you've listened to it, you'll know the predicament I'm in, people kind of ask you what you're listening to.
36:51 Speaker 03 You can't.
36:52 Speaker 00 And you can't say. Oh, this, uh, this comedian I like has come up with an idea for a film. What's his idea that's so funny?
37:02 Speaker 00 Uh, just, uh, yeah, oh, good old, good old comedy, goodbye. Oh, this is my stop, I live in Wapping now.
37:12 Speaker 01 So one of the scores on the doors, Dave.
37:14 Speaker 03 It's a big win week for Johnny J, um.
37:16 Speaker 01 It felt like a win week.
37:17 Speaker 03 Farm Shop Discovery.
37:18 Speaker 01 Yes.
37:18 Speaker 03 Triple Party Pandemonium.
37:20 Speaker 01 Good.
37:21 Speaker 03 First accolades.
37:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:23 Speaker 03 Leatherman Inscriptions.
37:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:26 Speaker 03 Sorry, my, uh, my Sharpies, this is the best Sharpie you've ever provided for me, Michael.
37:30 Speaker 01 And it's gold.
37:31 Speaker 03 And it's gold. And it's a golden week for John.
37:33 Speaker 01 Thank you.
37:34 Speaker 03 Um, John's comedy comeback, Twain in Stokie, first ep of Don't Think So Somehow, the brand new podcast from Alistair Green and Rachel Stubings. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, seven wins.
37:44 Speaker 01 Good stuff.
37:44 Speaker 03 Just the three losses, which are typo on the inner flaps, leatherman lacerations.
37:49 Speaker 01 Nice, you're getting very confident with this, aren't you, Dave? It's nice to see you expressing yourself.
37:54 Speaker 03 And Little Dog Mind, couldn't think of anything to write about, so just Little Dog Mind with a cross next to it.
37:58 Speaker 01 Well, I played it in my mind and then I played the video, a 30 second video a friend took at the previous night's show, a bit four, four or five times and pretended I was there.
38:06 Speaker 00 Yeah. Well, interesting you say that because we've had people criticizing you in the emails, John, for your stance on memory.
38:17 Speaker 01 Are they mad or unwell?
38:19 Speaker 00 John, get a grip and go to the festival. I'm currently living vicariously through my parents as I, 34, deep in the quagmire of toddlers and work, wistfully look on at them living their best lives. I think about this all the time.
38:33 Speaker 01 I do.
38:34 Speaker 00 What are the in-laws doing? Buying a camper van, hitting the open road across Europe, seeing where the wind takes them. Back home to Sheffield, tramlines festival, Edinburgh Fringe, basically endless hedonism. Meanwhile, my dad, 63, recently divorced, has met a lovely new lass on Bumble. Off they add a latitude, a weekend in the Amalfi Coast. Uh, Rea and Oliver Dean at Wembley, it's their summer of love.
38:58 Speaker 01 Olivia Dean.
38:59 Speaker 00 What did I say?
39:00 Speaker 01 Oliver Dean.
39:01 Speaker 00 Oh, sorry.
39:03 Speaker 01 He sounds like he does your taxes.
39:05 Speaker 00 And Olivia Dean at Wembley, sorry, I was mis- It's their summer of love. I honestly can't wait to be 16, doing the same. The best is yet to come. Take care, Rosheen. Is that how you've got to think, John?
39:16 Speaker 01 But that's not what I was saying. That's not my point.
39:19 Speaker 00 Yeah, you do want to go to a festival in case it filled your brain up with new memories. Absolutely crazy attitude.
39:26 Speaker 01 Uh, well, hang on, this is in defence.
39:29 Speaker 00 Yes.
39:29 Speaker 01 By Roland, aka Roland.
39:31 Speaker 00 Oh, you're busy.
39:33 Speaker 03 Yeah, Roland's your busy.
39:35 Speaker 00 He's lost it.
39:36 Speaker 01 Hi, Ellis, John and the team. I'm writing to offer a formal passionate defence of John. I get passionate defences.
39:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
39:43 Speaker 01 Yeah. John, you recently stated that you didn't go on to go back to Reading Festival, it wasn't Reading, it's End of the Road, because you already have enough memories of it. A perfectly logical piece of emotional boundary setting.
39:53 Speaker 00 Get a grip, Roland.
39:55 Speaker 01 That I felt was willfully misinterpreted by Ellis.
39:57 Speaker 00 Get a grip, Roland, again.
39:59 Speaker 01 You stand accused of willful misinterpretation.
40:03 Speaker 00 He's lost it.
40:04 Speaker 01 John, you are 100% correct.
40:07 Speaker 00 Huh, what a suck up.
40:08 Speaker 01 You can reach capacity on festival memories and trying to top them up in middle age, in middle age is a dangerous game.
40:15 Speaker 00 Dangerous.
40:16 Speaker 03 Roland hates you and himself.
40:19 Speaker 01 If I cast my mind back to Leeds Festival around the year 2000, I was 17 years old and had the absolute best time of my life. My survival strategy for the entire weekend was to barely eat, barely sleep and sustain myself exclusively on a diet of warm Strongbow and fags.
40:33 Speaker 00 Yes.
40:34 Speaker 01 I snogged a girl wearing a spiky dog collar.
40:37 Speaker 00 Yes. Get in Roland.
40:40 Speaker 01 I spent an hour pressed up against a deeply sweaty stranger, slowly inching my hand closer to the front barrier during the blue tone set just to secure a prime vantage point for the foos.
40:49 Speaker 00 Yes.
40:50 Speaker 01 In what I considered the ultimate display of anti-establishment defiance, my mate and I skipped Oasis on the main stage to sit by our tent smoking roll ups.
40:58 Speaker 03 Right, Roland's, Roland's out.
41:01 Speaker 00 Roland's out.
41:01 Speaker 03 He's done, he's gone.
41:03 Speaker 00 Skip Oasis.
41:03 Speaker 01 Every single one of those sentences represents a waking nightmare to 43 year old me. But I am incredibly proud of that 17 year old. He saved up his dishwashing money, he braved the elements and he had the most visceral, unfiltered youthful festival experience possible. If I were to go back to a festival like that now at 43, I feel like I'd be actively insulting that boy.
41:22 Speaker 00 What is this guy on about?
41:24 Speaker 01 I wouldn't be arriving on a packed sweaty shuttle bus. I'd be rocking up in an air-conditioned VW Touran.
41:30 Speaker 00 That's fine.
41:31 Speaker 01 I wouldn't be getting crushed at the front for a glimpse of Dave Grohl. I'd be standing at the very back where the sound parity is better.
41:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's fine.
41:38 Speaker 01 Wearing high fidelity gig earplugs, sipping a non-alcoholic drink and commenting on how nice the sunshine is.
41:43 Speaker 00 That's all so fine and good.
41:45 Speaker 03 Sounds absolutely delightful.
41:46 Speaker 01 I'll leave his memories untarnished and let him mosh, dance and sleep in rain soaked trousers. Because no matter how much mud he has to scrape off his shins, he can guarantee to enjoy it a million times more than I ever could today. Keep up the great work, Roland, AKA Roland.
42:00 Speaker 00 But things change, life changes. I went on holiday a couple of weeks ago. It was very different to if I'd gone on holiday when I was 18. Reef A 99. Reef A 99 was a very, I went to a foam party.
42:12 Speaker 03 Yes.
42:13 Speaker 01 Well also.
42:13 Speaker 00 Portugal 2026. I was there with my kids and I played badminton for a bit.
42:18 Speaker 01 Well also.
42:18 Speaker 00 They were both great.
42:20 Speaker 01 Rolanda, Roland is not, that's also not the reason I don't want to go. And I don't want to, the reason I don't want to go isn't because I won't have a nice time. Isn't because I want to have a different time than I did when I was 17, which I'm sure I would. The reason I don't want to go is if I add another festival age into my memories, it'll make me feel older because I'll have more to go through.
42:41 Speaker 00 But you, you, you are getting older anyway and aging is a privilege.
42:45 Speaker 01 I know, but that was the point I was making.
42:47 Speaker 00 Create new memories.
42:49 Speaker 03 I don't think I'd go to Leeds at this age.
42:51 Speaker 01 God, no.
42:52 Speaker 03 So there is a, there's a choice to be made there, what type of festival you go to as well. Cause that's not, Roland kind of, Roland kind of brushes over that a bit, is that you don't have to go back to Leeds, which is a young person's game.
43:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, I did stand up at all the festivals. When I stopped doing Edinburgh, my summers were free. So I was, I did stand up at all the festivals for the first couple of years afterwards, just because it was, it was a gig and it was something to do. And I would have been, you know, 35 and when you do the V Festival Chums, but it is a different, it's a different beast.
43:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:26 Speaker 00 And Reading and Leeds, et cetera.
43:28 Speaker 01 So the lineups I want to see at End of the Road are on Thursday and Friday, Dave.
43:33 Speaker 03 No.
43:35 Speaker 01 And I was wondering if I could wangle it so that I can just drive to the edge.
43:42 Speaker 03 The edge?
43:43 Speaker 01 Of the festival.
43:43 Speaker 03 Okay, phew, go on, carry on.
43:45 Speaker 01 Go in, see the bands I wanna see, which is Geese and Daryl Johns. And then pop back out into the car and come home.
43:53 Speaker 03 Drive to the edge of the fest- so you're not going in?
43:55 Speaker 01 Well, no, I'll drive, I'll park up. I won't drive my car into the main arena.
43:59 Speaker 03 No, but you're paying for a ticket.
44:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, it is sold out, so I had to wangle one somehow.
44:04 Speaker 00 Do you know what you could do? You could park in artists' parking, like if you were doing a gig there.
44:09 Speaker 01 I'm not performing there.
44:10 Speaker 00 No, but you'd need a fare from the inside, wouldn't you?
44:14 Speaker 03 Yeah. How are we recording our podcast that week?
44:16 Speaker 01 I can put you on Apple CarPlay. Oh, that's another one for the lost column. Since they updated the iOS on my phone, Apple CarPlay just says phone not responding.
44:26 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
44:26 Speaker 01 After about 10 minutes. Also, the bloody thing. You know, when you used to have lots of tabs open on your phone, you slide up and then along to sort of scroll through them.
44:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:42 Speaker 01 Yeah. It's a rhetorical question.
44:43 Speaker 03 Sorry, I was writing.
44:45 Speaker 01 So you've got multiple tabs open on your phone, right? And you go up and scroll through them. They've just fiddled with it slightly to make it a bit annoying.
44:53 Speaker 00 Yes, it's worse now.
44:54 Speaker 01 Who does that?
44:55 Speaker 03 What have they done? I've not noticed this.
44:57 Speaker 01 You know, when you've got multiple tabs open.
44:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, and you go up.
44:59 Speaker 01 I'm opening that.
45:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:01 Speaker 01 So there used to be a little line at the bottom. And now that happens.
45:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, and it's harder to close things as well and...
45:10 Speaker 01 Who at Apple, if you're listening, goes, right, the way that people have been scrolling through tabs for 10 years.
45:17 Speaker 00 Not good enough.
45:18 Speaker 01 Let's just make it a tiny bit unresponsive so that you lose all the tabs. What is that? Why do they have to do all this all in bloody time?
45:28 Speaker 00 The new National Rail app is way harder to use than it used to be. So if you're listening, National Rail, thanks.
45:34 Speaker 01 Also, there's now like 40 app updates every day because people are clearly trying to get their head around how this new operating system works. And I don't like it when it changes.
45:47 Speaker 03 No, you don't. But we are, you know, open for sponsorship, of course, if Apple are in the game.
45:53 Speaker 00 For Apple? I mean, that would be an enormous turn of the books. Although I do use their products.
45:58 Speaker 01 I use that. I like their products, which makes it frustrating when their products change to be annoying.
46:04 Speaker 00 Yes, and not all of products of anyone are perfect, are they? So, you know.
46:10 Speaker 01 Don't worry, Dave, he's got this.
46:12 Speaker 00 I haven't, like, I haven't got a... I haven't got a...
46:16 Speaker 03 Oh, he's closed down.
46:17 Speaker 01 Here we go.
46:19 Speaker 00 I haven't got a BBC computer, like, or a Windows.
46:24 Speaker 03 What are you doing?
46:25 Speaker 00 I'm trying to think of a... Like, I don't own a Google computer, but I would get sponsored by them.
46:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, they actually are probably more in the market for sponsorships than Apple.
46:32 Speaker 00 And I use them all the time.
46:34 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:35 Speaker 00 So there we go.
46:36 Speaker 01 What's the name of your Google computer?
46:38 Speaker 00 I don't have, I don't, I don't have one, but I would, I'd love one.
46:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:42 Speaker 00 But I haven't got one yet.
46:43 Speaker 01 Okay.
46:45 Speaker 00 I'm up before my joint birthday and Christmas presents. My birthday's in November.
46:48 Speaker 01 Oh, that's nice.
46:49 Speaker 00 Can't wait.
46:50 Speaker 03 We'd have more time to prep the host reads for this sort of thing.
46:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, we're quite good at those.
46:54 Speaker 00 And I like Microsoft as well.
46:55 Speaker 01 Despite what you might currently be thinking.
46:57 Speaker 00 And I like Microsoft and Huawei.
47:00 Speaker 03 There you go.
47:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:02 Speaker 00 Do talk to us.
47:04 Speaker 01 Good stuff.
47:16 Speaker 06 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, "You're nicked. You're on a lot of trouble." But was he set up?
47:32 Speaker 00 Wanted ad fled to fall of two cops.
47:34 Speaker 06 His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime. You're not going to end up going to prison, do you, kiddo? I'm J C Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
47:52 Speaker 01 We had a great email about reacting to new music because I think last week we suggested that it's impossible to enjoy a song when someone is playing Uit for the first time. Yeah. This is from Taylor. Taylor says, "Hi, guys. In a recent episode, you all agreed passionately that one of the worst things on earth is being forced to listen to someone's music whilst they sit in there and watch your reaction. I wholeheartedly agree and would like to submit Exhibit A. Ten years ago, I met my now fiance. We fell in love very quickly. A few weeks into dating, he announced that he'd written a song about me. For context, I'm notoriously bad at reacting to things when someone gives me a gift.
48:34 Speaker 01 I'm focused less on the thoughtful gesture and more on what I should be doing with my face to convey appreciation. When my parents tell me they love me, I'm worrying about how to look genuine when I say I love them back. It's a problem. On the day in question, we were about to go kayaking on the Hudson River. Oh. Ooh. Romantic, carefree, the early days of love. This is probably what will happen with me and Charlize Theron." Yeah. "Just before we reached the dock, he sat me down on the grass, placed headphones on my head, positioned himself directly opposite me, knee to knee, and told me to listen while he watched."
49:10 Speaker 00 The confidence he's exhibiting here is colossal.
49:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:16 Speaker 00 And I would say unrelatable.
49:21 Speaker 00 I don't get it, no.
49:23 Speaker 01 Imagine you sat Izzy down and put Trip Down Memory Lane, Lane, Lane on.
49:28 Speaker 00 She'd love that. She would love it.
49:30 Speaker 01 Sat there knee to knee, holding hands with her.
49:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:34 Speaker 01 For the duration of the song, I had absolutely no idea what to do with my face. So I did what comes naturally. I froze and produced something that could be best described as a grimace. Unfortunately, he interpreted this as she hates it. A substantial argument followed. He was wounded and he never wrote me a song again. Win, win.
49:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:55 Speaker 01 Fast forward 10 years and I still occasionally hear about the time I hated the beautiful song he wrote for me, despite the fact that I absolutely loved it.
50:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
50:04 Speaker 01 Everything worked out in the end. We're getting married in a couple of months, but I'd be grateful if you'd help settle the score once and for all. Surely being forced to react in real time to someone's original music is already an impossible social situation and surely having to do so when the song is about you is the final boss of impossible social situations. Please confirm that I never stood a chance and that no human being could have delivered a better reaction under those circumstances. Love the pod, Taylor.
50:31 Speaker 00 I have such sympathy for Taylor.
50:37 Speaker 01 I am.
50:37 Speaker 00 What a sitch.
50:38 Speaker 01 100% on Taylor's side in that.
50:41 Speaker 00 It's, it's, it's open and shut as far as I'm concerned.
50:45 Speaker 01 Even if he'd been saying, oh, there's this song by Twain, right? This artist you haven't heard of and it's my favourite song. I'm going to put it on your headphones and while you listen, I'm going to watch you knee to knee for your reaction. Impossible, even if it's his best song.
51:02 Speaker 00 Known as the Macca, because that's what Paul McCartney did last week, basically. He played his album and then watched us all listen to it.
51:09 Speaker 01 He's the exception to the rule, isn't he?
51:10 Speaker 00 The one person I would back to do the right face in, in this very special set of circumstances, Charlize Theron. If you wrote her a song and then sat knee to knee and said, right, please listen to this. I've written this. It's about you. Robyn plays guitar in it. We've had it produced. It's taken me days. I love you so much.
51:32 Speaker 00 I I would put money that she could do. Oh, John, she's an actor.
51:36 Speaker 01 She's South African.
51:38 Speaker 00 John, I love, I love your show. I love it. I used to listen to music like this Beckham and I lived in Orange Free State.
51:47 Speaker 01 I'd rather you hadn't rhymed Tehran with song and nothing on. That was, that was a little bit rude. But I liked the bit when you talked about your love for my work and also much, I liked, I liked that you, I liked that you referenced my charity work.
52:07 Speaker 00 Ellis, why, John, why did you rhyme love with glove? I haven't, I haven't got a pair of gloves.
52:16 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's, yeah.
52:17 Speaker 01 So, there you go. Um, but no, I think, you know, if you're gonna give someone, like, whether it's a poem or a short story or a song, it has to be in advance. They have to be on their own.
52:28 Speaker 00 Two years in advance and you have to leave the country.
52:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, so they can read it and reread it to come up with something they like about it. They can get the melody in their head or also they can call on their support network to say, this guy's just sent me a song. What do I do? What do I say?
52:46 Speaker 00 You write the song and you say, I will be giving you a gift on August the first.
52:52 Speaker 01 Yes.
52:53 Speaker 00 Where will you be on August the first? I will be in Mali.
52:58 Speaker 03 Hmm.
52:59 Speaker 00 And then six.
53:00 Speaker 01 Listening to incredible cora music.
53:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
53:02 Speaker 03 Oh, really?
53:03 Speaker 01 It's the home of cora music.
53:04 Speaker 00 And then I will text you in six months.
53:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:08 Speaker 03 Why don't you put this on hold?
53:09 Speaker 01 Should me and Ellis write songs about each other, Dave?
53:12 Speaker 03 Well, funnily enough, yes, that'd be nice. There is a made up, there's a made up game we're thinking of doing.
53:18 Speaker 01 Oh, right.
53:18 Speaker 03 Which is similar to that.
53:19 Speaker 01 Okay.
53:20 Speaker 03 Um, but yes, that'd be a lot of fun.
53:21 Speaker 00 Well, we go to Mali.
53:23 Speaker 03 Marley.
53:24 Speaker 01 No.
53:24 Speaker 03 To make an album.
53:25 Speaker 01 I would love to go and listen to Chora music in Marley.
53:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
53:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:28 Speaker 03 Absolutely. Well, well, just on that, what was the, what was the jingle that you sang? The long one that you did last week, Al?
53:35 Speaker 00 Oh, I can't remember that one. I can remember the one that, I mean, I'd have to, I'd need the words, which, which I could get. I write my intros on, in my emails as a draft.
53:46 Speaker 03 Okay.
53:47 Speaker 00 But I can remember the, I mean, the big tune that I sing all of the time. That's absolutely locked in, Dave. I live my life with Ellis and John. Have my lunch with the podcast on. I send emails bad to my dad. Didn't get read out. That must have been bad.
54:06 Speaker 00 I love it when Ellis connects. If he doesn't, my mental health is wrecked. Tell me there's more, said Dave. Oh, there's more, I replied. I live my life with Ellis and John. I feel so alive when the podcast is on.
54:21 Speaker 01 So that was Ellis's song from last week.
54:23 Speaker 03 It doesn't scan.
54:24 Speaker 01 He did two songs last week.
54:26 Speaker 03 He did, because he's got the memory lane, the big hit.
54:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:28 Speaker 00 Well, that's the, that's the big hit in the house.
54:30 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:31 Speaker 00 That was written especially for the intro.
54:33 Speaker 01 The advantage with Ellis's songs.
54:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
54:35 Speaker 01 The reason listening to them for the first time isn't awkward is because they're so catchy.
54:39 Speaker 03 They are.
54:40 Speaker 00 They are.
54:40 Speaker 01 But they are. They are.
54:42 Speaker 00 We sing constantly around the house.
54:44 Speaker 01 That's nice.
54:45 Speaker 00 Constantly, and the kids do it as well. It's very funny.
54:47 Speaker 03 So the, I live my life with Ellis and John one, which.
54:49 Speaker 00 Live my life with Ellis and John.
54:51 Speaker 03 Yep.
54:51 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
54:51 Speaker 03 That one, which premiered last week.
54:53 Speaker 00 Hmm.
54:54 Speaker 03 We asked our new friends, Skinwigs, to maybe just re-version that, that ditty. And it's gone off in quite an interesting, it's gone off in quite a unique direction. So we can all listen to this and enjoy, I suppose, a slight, I think it's classed as an R and B version of the jingle.
55:14 Speaker 01 So is this by Sam?
55:15 Speaker 03 Yeah. So Sam from Skinwigs, who's very musically talented, has given it a go, just to juju it up and bring it to life a bit. And it's, it's a little rude. Okay.
56:07 Speaker 03 So he's taken it in his own little direction.
56:09 Speaker 00 Oh my god.
56:10 Speaker 03 But it's good.
56:11 Speaker 01 That's very funny. Can that be our new theme tune?
56:15 Speaker 03 I don't know, because it's quite rude.
56:16 Speaker 01 Do you know what though? Is there an F word early doors?
56:19 Speaker 03 There might have been an F word early doors as well.
56:22 Speaker 00 I mean, this is genuine.
56:23 Speaker 01 We can actually remix it.
56:24 Speaker 00 I've never had one of my songs covered before.
56:26 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
56:27 Speaker 00 So it's actually a really weird experience.
56:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
56:31 Speaker 00 So to bring it back to Paul McCartney, yesterday's been covered like three and a half thousand times, but you've got no control over that.
56:39 Speaker 01 Well, you do. You have to sign it off, don't you? How does covering work? Because obviously you're getting paid a bit.
56:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:44 Speaker 00 Um, I think if they're released, obviously you could just do them live.
56:48 Speaker 03 Yes.
56:49 Speaker 01 And do you have to pay to do them live?
56:50 Speaker 03 Well, there must be a PRS fee in there.
56:52 Speaker 00 But, um, and Rob Brydon said, have you listened to all three and a half thousand? He said, I've listened to the, like, the first 10.
56:58 Speaker 01 That's a great question.
57:00 Speaker 00 But I can't, I can't listen to three and a half thousand different covers of yesterday. So, but I've never, unlike, you know, a musician like Paul McCartney, never had my work covered before. That was a very odd experience because his is definitely better than mine.
57:13 Speaker 03 Well, he's good. Yeah.
57:14 Speaker 01 It's, is it a different mood?
57:16 Speaker 00 It's a very different mood.
57:17 Speaker 03 It was a hip hop version, not R and B. Sorry.
57:19 Speaker 00 A mood I don't think I could convey properly, actually.
57:22 Speaker 01 Hmm. Yeah. Thank you, Sam. Do check out Skinwigs. Fantastic podcast.
57:26 Speaker 03 Very funny.
57:27 Speaker 01 Um, now are we going to speak to Adrian, Dave?
57:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, let's speak to Adrian.
57:35 Speaker 00 We love to see as many people as possible who maybe were there in Seville and remember the toque when it happened. Thank you very much indeed, both of you.
57:42 Speaker 02 We're talking to you. Cheers Archie. Thank you. Thank you very much Archie.
57:46 Speaker 00 Thanks very much.
57:47 Speaker 02 And James Lomond, thanks very much indeed.
57:51 Speaker 02 It's called the toe poke. Look out for it at Edinburgh later this, later this summer. Ellis and John, join us. Um, you, I haven't heard the word, the expression toe poke for ages, maybe because I'm a grown up and I don't play football in playgrounds anymore. Um, is it of yesteryear? Do kids still accuse each other of toe poking?
58:13 Speaker 00 No, it's, it's still around. Um, I mean, I played football on Tuesday and got accused of a toe poke.
58:19 Speaker 02 Did you really? And were you guilty?
58:21 Speaker 00 Yeah, I was. Some of the top players do it deliberately.
58:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
58:25 Speaker 00 Because it can make the ball go in quite unpredictable directions. What did you say for a, for a bicycle kick? Did you say bicy or a bikie?
58:35 Speaker 02 Um, I think we did the full thing. Uh, I think, I think we said bicycle kick. I'm not sure anybody attempted one. I certainly didn't. I didn't want a bikie. No, it was definitely, definitely wasn't that.
58:46 Speaker 00 Okay.
58:46 Speaker 01 Who was the first player to do a bicycle kick?
58:50 Speaker 00 No, that is a good question.
58:51 Speaker 02 That is a good question. I haven't got an answer for you there.
58:54 Speaker 00 No, because I've seen footage of Pele doing a Cruyff turn years before you on Cruyff.
59:01 Speaker 01 Well, the, the big accusation when I played football at school was goal hanging.
59:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:06 Speaker 01 Because it was impossible for us to implement the offside rule.
59:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
59:10 Speaker 01 So you would be a, uh, oh, our producer's just, just done some research. Uh, the first recognised player to execute the toe, uh, the bicycle kick was Chilean Basque player Ramon Unzaga.
59:26 Speaker 02 Of course.
59:27 Speaker 01 Fourteen.
59:28 Speaker 00 That's awesome.
59:29 Speaker 02 Yes, yes, yes. Um, so Charlie from South London says, why is calling a toe poke, a goal a toe poke so egregious? Many of your listeners hate the intrus-
59:40 Speaker 00 Of football into everything, but please don't assume everyone knows the facile technicalities. I'm sorry, Charlie, I didn't mean to offend you. I mean, toe poke, why is it egregious? It's a way of making the ball go quicker, but, but, but without any control. So it's generally regarded as a bit cheating. That would be about right.
1:00:00 Speaker 01 It's not cheating. I mean, come on, it would be a great tactic for a penalty.
1:00:05 Speaker 00 And it's regardless.
1:00:06 Speaker 01 You don't know where it's going.
1:00:07 Speaker 00 And it's regardless quite insophisticated. Yeah.
1:00:10 Speaker 01 But that's. And football is such a sophisticated sport.
1:00:14 Speaker 00 But it is though.
1:00:15 Speaker 01 It's not.
1:00:16 Speaker 00 Well, then, how come managers will, like, when Bielsa, when Pep Guardiola went to visit Bielsa, they talked tactics for 12 hours and didn't eat.
1:00:26 Speaker 01 Do you know what? But they don't mind how a goal goes in. If you watch footage of football from the 70s and 80s, you wouldn't say it was a sophisticated game. You'd say it was playing on a cogmar and trying to get the ball in.
1:00:37 Speaker 00 I'll have to let you crack on with this discussion. Maybe take it into the. Well, that's why wingers are our most creative players in the UK. That's where the grass was. That's why number 10s are more successful and popular in Europe. Well, we'll have to move on. Love you both. Love you both.
1:00:59 Speaker 01 So Adrian there, having a lovely little chat with us, but it's time to give you your final warning.
1:01:05 Speaker 00 Oh, yes.
1:01:06 Speaker 01 If you would like to get early access tickets to Elis James, Pressure is a Privilege live at the Royal Albert Hall.
1:01:12 Speaker 00 With John and Dave.
1:01:14 Speaker 01 With John and Dave.
1:01:14 Speaker 00 We'll do a little bit.
1:01:16 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. I'll do a bit of local.
1:01:18 Speaker 00 Hostman Dave will come out.
1:01:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, he'll do a couple of characters and then it's into the meat. But you need to sign up at the Patreon, which is patreon.com forward slash Ellis and John for the pre-sale. And then after, if there are tickets left, they will go on sale to the general pop on the 26th of June.
1:01:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. So pre-sale begins via Patreon on Wednesday, the 24th of June, 2026 at 10am.
1:01:44 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:01:44 Speaker 00 And the gig is on the 24th of March, 2027.
1:01:48 Speaker 03 And you're still, you're still feeling good about it? You're still, you're still happy?
1:01:51 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'll be.
1:01:53 Speaker 03 Did you say you're going to recce the venue next week?
1:01:55 Speaker 00 I'm going to cycle to the venue to look at it, yeah.
1:01:58 Speaker 01 And you're going to give us some behind the scenes footage?
1:02:00 Speaker 00 I will give some behind the scenes footage and I've got a little thing on my hand. That means I can film as I cycle as well.
1:02:06 Speaker 01 Oh, that's great.
1:02:07 Speaker 03 So a bit of behind the scenes content for Patreon as well.
1:02:10 Speaker 01 Because there is some eye climbing behind the scenes content on the Patreon.
1:02:13 Speaker 03 There is.
1:02:14 Speaker 01 Which was a superb job by Jenny.
1:02:16 Speaker 03 That one done very well.
1:02:18 Speaker 00 Very funny when Robin says, is it just looking at it though?
1:02:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:24 Speaker 01 So that's some clips of me on my holiday to the Alps.
1:02:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:02:28 Speaker 01 With with my pals who bought me a penknife that says, we love you, John, on note of that I cut myself with.
1:02:34 Speaker 00 That's lovely.
1:02:35 Speaker 01 Which is perhaps a metaphor.
1:02:36 Speaker 00 Yeah, no, it wasn't a symbolic cutting, was it?
1:02:38 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no. The knife that professes its love for you doth cut you closest to the heart.
1:02:47 Speaker 00 Hmm.
1:02:48 Speaker 01 Potentially.
1:02:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:02:51 Speaker 03 We do sign up to the Patreon.
1:02:53 Speaker 00 Shakespeare, he did cover all bases.
1:02:55 Speaker 03 Got Adventure Zeps there, it's ad free and there's full visuals as well, isn't there? And pre-sales to big Royal Albert Hall shows.
1:03:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, big stuff, big stuff.
1:03:03 Speaker 00 Big stuff.
1:03:04 Speaker 01 It's almost time for bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye from us. Any other thoughts and feelings?
1:03:11 Speaker 00 Uh, no.
1:03:15 Speaker 01 I think that's it for me.
1:03:15 Speaker 00 Well, I'm still waiting for the the outcome of Gravel Gate.
1:03:20 Speaker 03 Oh, are you? Was this? Oh, no, this was two nights ago.
1:03:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:23 Speaker 03 Have you not have the outcome yet?
1:03:24 Speaker 01 Did you swallow it? Oh, that's insane.
1:03:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, it is.
1:03:27 Speaker 03 Were they chunky chunks?
1:03:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
1:03:30 Speaker 03 But how do you know you've got to waiting for the outcome? Are you sifting?
1:03:32 Speaker 00 No.
1:03:33 Speaker 03 You're sifting through.
1:03:34 Speaker 00 No, but I'm just, you know, I was hoping I just don't explode or die.
1:03:37 Speaker 03 No, you're fine.
1:03:37 Speaker 00 What is it? It's just Mexican stones.
1:03:39 Speaker 01 Well, geese eat and swans eat gravel.
1:03:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, they're all right, aren't they?
1:03:43 Speaker 01 They're fine.
1:03:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:03:44 Speaker 01 They are birds.
1:03:45 Speaker 00 I thought you meant the band.
1:03:46 Speaker 01 Yeah. No, no, no. No, the birds eat gravel.
1:03:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, birds eat gravel.
1:03:52 Speaker 01 Helps with their digestion.
1:03:53 Speaker 00 Foxes eat all sorts of stuff.
1:03:55 Speaker 01 Oh, foxes are mad.
1:03:56 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:57 Speaker 03 Oh, my phone's, oh, sorry, there's a little baby fox in our garden at the moment. And it just paws across the back garden.
1:04:04 Speaker 01 That's so cute.
1:04:04 Speaker 03 Little head, but on his own, just chilling.
1:04:07 Speaker 01 Well, there's probably a fox nest nearby.
1:04:09 Speaker 03 There'll be a mum nearby, definitely.
1:04:10 Speaker 01 Maybe under a shed.
1:04:12 Speaker 03 I ain't got a shed, but I think it's in the garden.
1:04:14 Speaker 01 You've not got a shed?
1:04:15 Speaker 03 Well, I've got a lean-to.
1:04:17 Speaker 01 What's that?
1:04:17 Speaker 00 A nightmare, we've got a lean-to.
1:04:19 Speaker 03 Have you? No, we like our lean-to.
1:04:20 Speaker 00 I hate my lean-to.
1:04:21 Speaker 01 Why does it lean to?
1:04:23 Speaker 00 It's just, yeah.
1:04:25 Speaker 03 But we've had our specifically built in recent years, so it's quite.
1:04:27 Speaker 00 Oh, I'm the best.
1:04:30 Speaker 01 What's, is it, did you inherit your lean-to?
1:04:32 Speaker 00 We inherited our lean-to.
1:04:33 Speaker 01 Get rid of it, Len.
1:04:35 Speaker 00 We are currently in the, getting rid of it.
1:04:37 Speaker 01 How are you? What are you gonna replace it with?
1:04:39 Speaker 00 Well, there will be a shed eventually, but we're gonna lose some valuable garden space, which is quite frustrating.
1:04:44 Speaker 01 By erecting the shed?
1:04:46 Speaker 00 Yeah. So the lean-to was on the side of the house and I hate it. And it was, I won't say who it was made by, but it was made using all bits of decking, and that's true.
1:04:55 Speaker 03 Oh, really?
1:04:56 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, you should get a shed, Dave. You feel like a shed guy?
1:05:00 Speaker 03 We don't need a shed. We've got a lean-to that we do like and we're fans of.
1:05:03 Speaker 01 And what do you keep in there? Like your lawnmower and stuff?
1:05:06 Speaker 03 We don't need a lawnmower, but we've got...
1:05:07 Speaker 00 Because you eat the grass.
1:05:10 Speaker 03 We've got, I've got a little Dave's DIY bit, which Hannah hates. She's like, why did you get this? You've not done one bit of DIY apart from the stuff that, in fact, you're banned from DIY now.
1:05:18 Speaker 01 Oh, there was a really nice email, actually. Maybe we could end on this about lathes, which really made me laugh.
1:05:24 Speaker 00 I would love a garage. I would kill for a garage.
1:05:27 Speaker 01 Well, you should have thought that when you were choosing your house.
1:05:29 Speaker 00 It was because it was hard to get a house to our specs and we had to, we had to give up on the garage.
1:05:36 Speaker 01 You had to give up on the garage?
1:05:38 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:05:39 Speaker 01 This is from Gemma, and Gemma says, hello, Ellis, John and Dave. Longtime listener, first time emailer. I'm emailing in regard to all the recent lathe chat, predominantly on behalf of my boyfriend Ben, aged 30, who uses his lathe on a weekly basis. He uses it to solve any manner of problems, from making a small metal thing to fix an issue in his car, to making a small metal thing to fix an issue in his motorbike. The thought of not being able to just make a small metal thing at home on an evening is nearly impossible to him, and I'm so very grateful he has recently opted to store his lathe somewhere else short term in order for us to move in together, as we struggle to find somewhere with a garage to accommodate his lathe-ing urges.
1:06:18 Speaker 00 Garages are hard to come by.
1:06:21 Speaker 01 In general, lathe making in a partner is a huge green flag, as Ben has also whipped me up some of the sweetest metal cylindrical gifts over the years, including a fountain pen, a mechanical pencil, three clicky pens, and most recently and ambitiously, a full working moka pot.
1:06:39 Speaker 03 Wow. I mean, the pens are impressive. How do you make a pen?
1:06:42 Speaker 00 It's such a green flag.
1:06:43 Speaker 01 I love that all of the gifts are pens, apart from the moka pot. Thanks to all the pods, Gemma. I would love to be a lathe guy. But it's just never gonna happen. It would be mad for me to buy one.
1:06:55 Speaker 03 It would be mad.
1:06:55 Speaker 00 Such a green flag, though.
1:06:57 Speaker 01 A huge green flag.
1:06:58 Speaker 00 There should be a dating app for lathe guys.
1:07:01 Speaker 01 Yeah. Love him or lathe him.
1:07:05 Speaker 00 Ring the bell.
1:07:06 Speaker 03 Gotta ring the bell as we bow out for an episode. That's good.
1:07:09 Speaker 00 Well done.
1:07:10 Speaker 03 That was strong, actually, John.
1:07:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, so if you're a lathesman, or a latheswoman, or a lathes them, do send us pictures of what you've made with your lathe.
1:07:21 Speaker 03 Yeah, we'd like.
1:07:22 Speaker 01 We could do a carousel. Yeah, Gemma, send us some photos of the lathe work and we'll put it on a lathe carousel.
1:07:29 Speaker 03 Yeah, that'd be nice.
1:07:30 Speaker 00 Do not get that on Shag Marry Denyed.
1:07:33 Speaker 03 You're not getting lathe.
1:07:35 Speaker 00 Pictures.
1:07:36 Speaker 03 Nothing.
1:07:36 Speaker 01 Who knows?
1:07:37 Speaker 00 I don't know.
1:07:37 Speaker 01 Who knows?
1:07:38 Speaker 03 No, I don't know. You're right.
1:07:40 Speaker 00 Great.
1:07:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, great. Thanks, everyone. Bye bye.
1:07:42 Speaker 03 Bye.
1:07:53 Speaker 06 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.
1:08:02 Speaker 06 Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble. But was he set up? Wanted, I'd fled to fall of two cops. His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
1:08:17 Speaker 05 You're not gonna end up going to prison, do you, kidlet?
1:08:19 Speaker 06 I'm Jaycee Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
1:08:28 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening to the show, and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.
1:08:34 Speaker 03 And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page, at Ellis and John.
1:08:39 Speaker 01 Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch, and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.
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