#551 - Bumsyl, A Mind STD and Switchblade and Porky in Space

After a bout of promiscuous and unprotected thinking, John’s been in a panic sphere. He’s only gone and given himself a mind STD, but could some watermelon body wash be to blame? All this leads to a full circle moment for Elis. He might be headlining the Royal Albert Hall next year, but is the realisation of his long-touted ‘health podcast’ actually his career zenith? Listener JB sends in a cracking impressions-based Made Up Game, and we take a harrowing trip down John’s Shame Well. Do you want to feed the Elis and John content machine with your very own correspondence? Then send it to [email protected] right away. Tickets for Elis and John at Crossed Wires https://crossedwires.live/ Elis’s upcoming Welsh language gigs: 17 July - Yr Garth Theatre Pontypridd 18 July - Llanover Hall Theatre, Cardiff https://www.ticketsource.com/beastlymedia/t-dkjmmxp 23 July - Always Be Comedy, Kennington https://www.alwaysbecomedy.com/tickets 26 July - Stanley Halls, South Norwood https://stanleyarts.org/event/elis-james-welsh-language-stand-up-greatest-hits-live-work-in-progress/ 1 August - London Welsh Centre, London https://www.ticketsource.com/londonwelshcentre 2 August - London Welsh Centre, London https://www.ticketsource.com/londonwelshcentre 3 August - Always Be Comedy, Kennington https://www.alwaysbecomedy.com/tickets For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Mini Olympics.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Well, there's no escaping the fact that today we're starting with a trailer for a new film.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Coming soon in cinemas this summer. Ellis and John: Jupiter Rising. Well, Prime Minister, it's very kind of you to go to all this trouble.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  Robins, it's the least I could do. Your skill and discretion have saved the government, and I have no doubt in my mind when I say this, the country too.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Prime Minister, please. I was just doing my duty.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  What I don't understand is how you managed to solve the mystery and trap the criminals whilst winning five gold medals in the handsomeness Olympics and hosting international mega-geniuses at a cleverness convention.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Well, everyone has their skill sets, sir. Yours are diplomacy, delegation, and if I may say, a bloody good sense of intuition. Mine just happened to be handsomeness, cleverness, and crime fighting.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  And powerlifting and kissing.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Thank you, Porkins.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  The way you kissed that girl at the top, a big Ben with the head of the crime gang trussed up like a kipper. Well, I've never seen the likes, sir.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  That will be all, Porky.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  Robins, if I may be so bold, why do you take this du-

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Let me start again. He gave us these two seconds before the bl- intro started. I wouldn't have minded reading this. Robins, if I may be so bold, why do you take this dunderhead with you everywhere? He does give off an awful pong.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Porkins, he has his uses. He is strong of thigh and big of bum. He has surprising stamina in a pinch, and his simple mind is a very useful sounding board when my brain is overrun with calculations and plans. Think of him as a blank canvas on which I paint my masterpiece.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Yes, this is the Prime Minister. Yes, it is he. Switching to a secure line. What is it? Where? When? How? Yes, I have him here. Hold the line. Robins, it's Alpha Base.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Alpha Base, Ganymede, 628 million kilometres from Earth, 14 infinitum mines, six processing plants, population 1,400 operatives. The last strategic ba-

• 3:10Speaker 01

  The last strategic base before the Borken Quadrant and the largest on Jupiter's moons.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Robins, it's Fallen.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  What's going on? What's all this talk of bases in Jupiter?

• 3:19Speaker 02

  Robins, can you help?

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Jupiter? Moons, bases?

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Porky, there's something you should know about me.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  It's not just here on Earth as I fight crime. I'm a space cop.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  And not just any space cop. Robins, it's time Porky knows the truth. Put on your ribbed leather jacket, cool wraparound shades and digital watch. Pork, this man is the best space cop in the Milky Way. His name is legend from Proxima Centauri to Bet- Bet-

• 3:54Speaker 01

  Beetlejuice.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  His name is legend from Proxima Centauri to Beetlejuice, and the universe has never needed him more.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  Prime Minister, there's only one choice. It's time to reopen Operation Black Ops Megaforce A Plus Elite.

• 4:09Speaker 02

  But it's too dangerous, Robins.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  The man who walked into your office this morning was called Robins. The man who walks out is Switchblade.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Right, two questions.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  Just the two?

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Well, I've got one observation and a question. Observation, we ran out of the space music, it was such a long script. And I met a bloke at a gym the other day. And he said, what do you do for a living? I said, I do a podcast. We're on, we're actually on Five Live on a Friday. And I said, I'll be in the car, I'll have to listen. What's he gonna make of this?

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Well, he's gonna be like, when can I see this film?

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  There's intrigue, there's mystery, there's kissing.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  I just don't think it's the best introduction to what we do.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Well, that's, I can't keep introducing people to what we do. We've been doing it for 12 years.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  There comes a point when they just have to be on board.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Well, you've just got to write a Space Cup film.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Well, what, but he's solved a mystery. It starts with the end of the mystery being solved.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  It's great script writing, actually.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  And then there's a bigger mystery.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  All right then, okay, well, I'll write a film next, next week.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  Great.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Porkins writes his own film? That's, no one's gonna watch Porkins's Tale. It'll be like, well, some miserable gritty drama.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  They want Robins, they want Switchblade, they want Jupiter.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  It's gonna be Kitchen Sink. Porkins's drama's gonna be Kitchen Sink. It's gonna be A Taste of Honey But Sadder and set in radio.

• 5:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Maybe, don't know, don't hold me to that.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  We're like, you'd be like Joey, the spin off to Friends. Is that what Porkins is?

• 5:37Speaker 00

  What, underrated? Underrated and a bit of a hospital pass for the writers.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Who's Porkins then? Is he like your sidekick?

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, he's like a sort of henchman.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  I was the prime minister.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  I've played the henchman before.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  You'd be a good henchman.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  It's the show for my range.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Okay, and you walk off as Switchblade. So there's a sequel, I mean, you've left it open.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Well, that's the trailer.

• 5:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  That's the start, Switchblade and Porky in space.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. Good.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  A lot of your filmic references are like to blockbusters.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  And like sci fi stuff. Do you read a lot of like Philip K. Dick?

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Not at all. And that's the great thing about sci fi, it's so easy.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  You know, it's a ribbed leather jacket, wraparound shades and a digital watch.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  And that's a space cop.

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Because you often, when you have to improvise, you end up going and taking it as sort of Arthur C Clarke.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Never heard of him.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Direction. Interesting.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. So yeah, that is the trailer to Jupiter Rising, the first film in the Ellison John franchise.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  It is also a good title for that kind of stuff.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 6:39Speaker 02

  And what is it? Netflix, BBC, iPlayer?

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Across everything.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  All of them.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, like Live Aid.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  It's the first Apple, Disney, Amazon Prime, Netflix, iPlayer, ITV Hub, what the Channel Four one is called.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Dave, the budget is a hundred billion dollars, a portion of which goes to charity.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  I don't know whether a hundred billion's big anymore. It is big.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  A hundred billion would be quite a lot for a lot.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  You're getting a lot for, you get a good bang for your buck for that.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I tell you one thing, the director gets what they want.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I also direct.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Do you?

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Annoyingly.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  The Clint Eastwood of sci-fi.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Big time.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  Annoyingly, I think, this is how I feel about John as a director. He'd actually be a very good director for about two hours of the day. And they are long days. So a normal shooting day for like a film would be, he'd be on the camera at eight.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  And he'd just stop shooting at 7pm. And you, obviously you've got to know what you're doing and you've got to prep for the following days. They are, they're long days for directors and that's what I think would hold John back. I reckon between, on a Wednesday nap, prison?

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Oh, like three till 4.30.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Okay, I reckon 11 until 1, he'd be quite good.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Oh, but lunch in there and I do sometimes get very depressed after eating.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Okay, 11 until midday, he'd be quite good.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  That's the golden hour.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  When you do your big scenes.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Bring me problems between 11 and 12, or when I'm eating a brownie, but not too long afterwards.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. And what would be your approach as director? Are you, are you kind of arm around the shoulder? You know, you're their mate? Or are you like the silent kind of, you know, they're a bit scared of you?

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm distant.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Uh, I've got my own Winnebago with shower, aircon and lots of Diet Cokes.

• 8:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  And.

• 8:26Speaker 02

  Show these throngs there.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  When, when I walk on.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Quite burpy on set.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  When I walk on set, there are certain rules.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Um, you know, everyone stands.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Unless they're sitting in the scene.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  And people aren't allowed to turn around when they walk away from you, like with the Queen.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, they gotta walk backwards.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Gotta walk backwards.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, so there's an awful lot of like, look out, there's a camera here.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's cables everywhere, yeah.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  And you will not walk downstairs. You have to kind of be carried down the stairs.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  But.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Petals everywhere.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  That, well, then when I turn on the warmth, I get my best out of my actors.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Um, so there you go.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Great.

• 9:06Speaker 01

  Good stuff.

• 9:07Speaker 02

  Um, well, that's one tease for something that's coming. There is another, we need to pay off another tease.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Not coming, Dave.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  It is coming. Cinema's this July.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  You were part, you're acting in it. You're in the film, Ellis. Sorry, can you call it acting if you're reading it for the first time? I suppose sight reading.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  It's a sight read. It's a chemistry test.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  And Dave's got the part.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Thanks, John. Thanks, mate.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  You know, we might see a couple of other people for Porkins.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. What sort of people then?

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Ivo would do a good Porkins.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  I think Ivo sounds too posh.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Tony Robinson?

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, Tony Robinson, but 30 years ago for Porkins.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, that sort of thing.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Lloyd Griffith.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  He'd be good Porkins.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Be a good Porkins.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  Good Porkins. Um, you teased ahead, you, you, you did a share driver on Friday's app of something that wasn't going to make it into John Wins Again.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  Sounds like something that protects your hard drive from your wife.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  What's a share driver?

• 10:02Speaker 00

  How do I get one?

• 10:07Speaker 02

  It's, it's, it's annoying radio lingo. I don't actually know what it means. I need to stop saying it.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:12Speaker 02

  Um, you did, you said on Friday, I'm going to save this for Tuesday's app. This won't go in John Wins Again.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  It was a Wins Again.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  No, I can't.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  It was a John Wins Again score draw. So it's ambiguous. You don't know if it's a win or a loss.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  Well, it's my major anecdote from the week, but it is, um.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Well, my major anecdote was eating gravel, so let's hear yours.

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Okay. Have you ever given yourself a mind STD?

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Yes, loads.

• 10:42Speaker 00

  Got one now.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  I don't know. Tell me more.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  And it stings when I think.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Exactly, exactly. That's at the heart of all human suffering. It stings when I think.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  My week has been overtaken by the fact I gave myself a mind STD.

• 11:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  So why are you making that face?

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Because what's that mean? It doesn't mean anything.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  So I was in bed on.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Because S stands for sexually, doesn't it?

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Big time.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  And this is, you still want it to be called.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  What does the T stand for?

• 11:16Speaker 02

  Transmitted.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  And the D?

• 11:17Speaker 02

  Disease.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  And you can't spell de-stigmatise without STD.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  So.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Come on then.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  I was in bed on Monday and I thought, I was about 11 o'clock and I thought, God, I need another bloody wee.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Engaging in some promiscuous mind sex and protected.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  I thought I need another bloody wee. God, what is, it's a bloody 44, eh? So I've done three wees already tonight. So I got out of bed and did my wee and I thought, it's quite a small wee. Never mind. That's just what life is like at this age.

• 11:49Speaker 02

  Are you saying all this out loud?

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Well, pretty much. Why not?

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Why not?

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Then I get into bed and think, that wee stung a bit.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  Okay, this just sounds like an STD at this stage, John.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Four blooming wees before bed and it stings a bit, eh? God, that's what life's like, isn't it? Do you know what? I'll just have a little Google.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  My blooming mind at it again.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  I'll have a little Google at half eleven. Oh, I'm in hell. I'm Googling and I'm in hell.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Don't Google it, mate.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  An unprotected think.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  So I enter into a panic sphere.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Which is sort of one of the biggest panic spheres of recent months.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  And I was like, well, you've, obviously this is, because I'm, you know, I'm very conscientious in my private life and, you know.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you ponder, you rubber up.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, big time. I like to protect my thoughts.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  Understood, understood.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  So I get in a big panic. My heart starts racing. I'm Googling clinics. I'm thinking, how could this have happened? I'm catastrophising.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Where is DEFCON one? So I think, well, you know, I'm an adult, need to get this sorted. So I'm Googling options. Obviously, I want the closest, most discreet and quickest.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  That turns out to be very expensive. The next appointment.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Remind STD.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  Well, the two days time is the appointment. You've got to go that, then you get two days till you get your results. So I'm in a state of high stress for four days.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  Anyway, it turns out it was just a mind STD because completely clear on everything. And best guess is it's due to a recent change in my body wash.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Because I've always used a fragrance free body wash. And recently I thought I'd treat myself to some watermelon scented body wash. That's created a stinging sensation, which I'm reassured will pass by both a GP and ChatGPT. But it did cost me 520 quid to find that out.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Oh, my goodness me. So you've been washing your bits with watermelon.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  And now your bit stings so much, you gave yourself a mind STD.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I gave myself an STD of the mind.

• 14:10Speaker 00

  Oh, dear, dear, dear.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  But good news is not, you know, good is not anything more serious.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Okay, here's how to cheer me up. Who on this podcast knows for a fact they don't have gonorrhea?

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, you, 100%.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Can I, can I put my hand up?

• 14:28Speaker 01

  For a fact, Dave.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Ah, damn it.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Who at this table knows for a fact they don't have syphilis? Oh, only me.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  I can't put my hand up.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  He can't put his hand up, Dave.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  I can't put my hand up, Reclimidia.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  We are riddled.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  So obviously, exactly the right thing to do, you know, being a conscientious adult. And no, no shame in this house, but it was all an invention of my mind.

• 14:54Speaker 00

  So you would have, a more cost effective way would have been to wait until the next morning and go to your local STI clinic. They also don't call them STDs anymore. That's very 90s or STIs now.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  But that would have been going into London in disguise.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  But isn't, there must be one in your local town or near you.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  No, there's not really.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Is there not?

• 15:13Speaker 01

  No.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  And you can't get them done at your GP surgery. In my case, I don't know what your GP surgery is like, you, brackets, general public.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  So did you have to, did you have to go through the full procedure though? As in?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  It's just a wee test.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  Oh, is it?

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, they haven't done that procedure since the Second World War, Dave.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  They have?

• 15:34Speaker 00

  They have.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  They bloody have.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  No, no, I think it's rarer these days.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Oh, is it? That's good news.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Because that, yeah, yeah. Bit of fun that one.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  Uncomfortable.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  But it was extremely stressful four days because I still had the, the symptoms that I thought were the.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Because you were still using the watermelon and body wash.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Well, exactly. And also if you irritate sensitive areas, it doesn't just clear up immediately. It takes a while to sort of chill out.

• 16:01Speaker 00

  So how are you wee's at the moment?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Fine.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  But wait.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  But the problem is, here's the problem. If I say to you enough times, do you have a headache? Do you have a headache? Check. Really think about your head. Eventually you will feel like you've got a headache.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  So once you're like really concentrating, especially on such a sensitive part of your body going, did that last wee sting?

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  I think it probably.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  But also I suppose.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  But it could have just been dehydrated.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  There's two things going on here because you were wheeing more often than you do because you are the camel comedian.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Big time.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  I've, John, he's a, maybe two a week. I've never seen anyone like it.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Well, as I said, dehydration could have been an issue.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  So the, the more, the wheeing more than usual is a symptom, as is the stinging, which was caused by watermelons.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Caused by watermelons and potentially our old friend dehydration. Because if you dehydrated, your wee sting's a bit more.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  But you're, you're okay.

• 16:55Speaker 01

  I'm absolutely fine, but I just had a complete, a mad week of stress, purely an invention of my own mind.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  There's got to be a happy medium, isn't there? Between the catastrophizer.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  And the person who just doesn't care and doesn't think about it and doesn't.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Ellis.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  And who doesn't get anything checked.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  This is exactly what I was talking about with my therapist.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:20Speaker 01

  It's called Ooma, the middle way.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  That's a taste, isn't it?

• 17:23Speaker 01

  No, it's a mommy.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  Uma Thurman.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Named after the Buddhist phrase for the middle way because her dad was quite a famous Buddhist practitioner.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  Oh, right. Okay. I didn't know that.

• 17:37Speaker 01

  So it's between over attachment.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  Like going mad or complete non-attachment. I don't care. Is the middle way.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Because also, I mean, to be serious for a second, a lot of people, men especially, don't check stuff out and then it's too late.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Yes. You don't want to be too middle way. You want to veer towards over-attachment to outcomes in this situation because you want to be responsible. But yeah, I, I, I, the only way I could get myself to sleep was by, um, just repeating, mind is thinking, mind is catastrophizing, mind is panicking, mind is planning, mind is rehearsing.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  And that works.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, it did actually.

• 18:18Speaker 00

  Did it?

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, do it once with every breath. See where your mind goes in the middle. Anyway, it's been an adventure.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Because also, like, especially with the kids.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  We should have done it as a Patreon special.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Oh, my goodness.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  Why aren't you filming this, John? I, I mean, I mean, I'm not, I'm not saying it won't happen eventually when we run out of ideas.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  It's the furthest behind the scenes any podcast has ever gone.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  The three of us could go and get an STI check.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  And then we could do it in a two-parter and then the results could be the cliffhanger.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:52Speaker 00

  We could all be given envelopes to open.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  It's that's responsible broadcasting.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  Next week.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  It's very responsible. Dave, we could get sponsored by Bupa.

• 19:01Speaker 00

  Or Jurex. Yes.

• 19:02Speaker 01

  Or Jurex or not going to name the.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  Sounds a little bit like we're doing a health podcast.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Now we are.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  My idea, it comes full circle.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  The health, the sexual health podcast.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  Health podcast.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  That's not a bad idea, Dave, but that they can't.

• 19:20Speaker 00

  This guy.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Well, that's more specific than a health podcast.

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Sexual health is health.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  That would have been one of your episodes for your more generic. Exactly. Then we chuck a bit of sun cream in there and, you know, headaches.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Okay, Dave.

• 19:32Speaker 00

  Bad feet.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Sun creaming. What do you mean?

• 19:35Speaker 00

  Sun cream ep, bad feet ep, sexual health ep, I, I ache ep.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  We're back here again.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Falling off ep.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  There we go. Wallop, wallop, wallop.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Wallop, wallop, wallop. Call it that.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Fish bash posh.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  Great. So we'll do.

• 19:50Speaker 00

  An adventures app on sexual health.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  Where we all get STD checks.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  Where we all get STD checks.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Crucially, crucially.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  Where we all get STDs. Follow us for a week stopping at every service.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  We're given 24 hours to give ourselves an STI.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Race to it.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:10Speaker 01

  Oh, dear.

• 20:11Speaker 00

  It's all content. But, you know, thankfully you're all right.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Oh, God, yeah, I'm great. I've never been better.

• 20:16Speaker 00

  Never been better.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  That's lovely.

• 20:18Speaker 00

  Also, like, taking the kids to the doctor a couple of times when there's been nothing wrong with them. And they never, the doctors never mind because they want you to be well. Oh, yeah. They do want to say, oh, nice one. You're really ill. Great. I get to do a bit of work. They're like, good, no, actually, it's fine.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Also, you know, in this area, there's never, there's never a bad time to get an STD check.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  No, absolutely not. No.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Apart, I mean, maybe not on your wedding day.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, during an exam.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, but there's never a bad thing to do.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  No, no, it's good. You could walk out, you could walk down the aisle to people reading out the results. Clamidia, negative, way. Gonorrhea, negative, way.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  Right, it's time for Ellis to attempt to connect. Picture the scene. A man sits at the end of a table nervously rubbing his face. There's tension in the air. He tries to tap into his Welsh core. He thinks of male voice choirs, of cockles, of Robson Khanu's goal against Belgium.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Great goal.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  He cycles through every Welsh town he can think of. Barmouth, Rimney, Tony Pandey. He has a, he has a map and mind map that can help him in his quest, but he sure as hell isn't going to use them. A caller waits on the end of a Zoom call. They're ready to tell a grown man their age and where they went to school. What happens next is anyone's guess. It's time for the Cymru Connection.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  Another Cymru Connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection. But his questions have one direction. Where did you go to school? Do you know David Evans? No. Come on, mate, you must do. No, we've never met at all.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Before we get into this week's connection, a message from a previous connectee, 11-year-old Evan. Evan says, Dear Ellis and John, thank you for having me on the Cymru Connection in April. I enjoyed it very much. I got the Holy Vible for my birthday from my uncle and I'm enjoying it.

• 22:30Speaker 00

  That's a gift from eBay.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. I want to check, what's the content advisory on the Holy Vible? There is a chapter on what to do if your mental health suffers, which is good. Not no bad thing to have in your life.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Is there a chapter on, like, making love?

• 22:46Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 22:47Speaker 02

  There is a track chapter on...

• 22:49Speaker 01

  There is a chapter that Ellis and I improvised about lovemaking, which in retrospect was a bold move.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. Especially considering what you've been worrying about for the last five days.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  We also use cricket and spin bowling as an analogy for lovemaking at one point.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  Chang Gate was a chapter, I think, wasn't it?

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Yes, which Evan is a beer brand.

• 23:12Speaker 00

  Absolutely. Evan's mum Jude wrote a great piece in The Quietus about Olivia Rodrigo. So shout out to Evan's mum.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  She also wrote a pretty decent piece in The Observer about one of yours truly, John Robbins.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  Yes, that is true.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  It's actually really well-written.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  Yes, I did enjoy it.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Quite like the photos.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Sitting in a wood, Dave, in the rain.

• 23:32Speaker 00

  Were you?

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, like a gnome with a good jacket.

• 23:35Speaker 00

  Did you want it to be raining or was that...

• 23:37Speaker 01

  No, we just ran with it. There's also a photo of me under a rainbow.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Oh, that's nice.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  Because there's a rainbow while we were doing the photo shoot.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  Looks like AI.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Unfortunately, Evan continues, the big round Camembert's man isn't at the abug of any market anymore. Ellis, Wales is moving on without you.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Don't say that. I hate it when people say that.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  But it is true.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Don't say that. I hate it when people say that.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  How often are people saying that to you?

• 24:00Speaker 00

  People say it to me all the time.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  What, Wales is moving on without you?

• 24:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  Really?

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Don't say it, Dave.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Ellis, Wales is unrecognisable to you.

• 24:07Speaker 00

  Don't say it.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Dave, what would you feel like if you couldn't see the evolution of your home country?

• 24:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  It's been a bit of a horror show over the last 10 years, actually, to be fair.

• 24:17Speaker 00

  I would have minded.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  I could actually would have liked to have missed out on a lot of what's going on in this place. Unfortunately, the big round Camembert's man isn't at the abug of any market anymore, though I have tried to find him, but there is still a man that sells cheese.

• 24:32Speaker 00

  Great.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  So maybe it might just be the little round Camembert's man. Dioch invow for having me on the show, up the Swans from Evan.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  Love that. I did Radio 4, I was a guest, an esteemed guest on Radio 4, more or less, the other day, the numbers programme, because they were fascinated by the actual statistics behind the Camry connection.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  We've got some clips that maybe we'll do next week from that, actually.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Kat, who was the math practitioner from Swansea they had, she's a very interesting person, Kat, she works in like communication, communication, how best to communicate academic ideas. She was talking about it and she said, yeah, I watched loads of the videos, hell, and I expected you to have a strategy. It was very entertaining to realise that you didn't.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  You've got a strat.

• 25:15Speaker 00

  There's a strat in there, isn't there?

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, but she's a intermittent strategy.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  She's got a PhD in maths.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  So is it, are they interested by the fact that it is pretty much found its percentage?

• 25:25Speaker 00

  Well, there are numbers, so, well, I'm higher than the percentage should be, because...

• 25:30Speaker 01

  But you, it's not like you go up loads, loads, loads and then come down loads, loads.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  No, but it's just over, I think, 2.2 million people identify as Welsh in Wales. So then if you take, there's, there's been research into social networks. So at most you can really know 1,500 people and then, but the connectee is not going to know that many. So if you're saying that I'm right at the very top end and they know 600, I'm, I'm above where I should be. It was just the way that Kat is obviously a very ordered thinker, quite, I think she found my scattergun approach quite entertaining.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  Great.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Last week, Ellis failed to connect with caller Gwentrian, despite her dad playing in the bound Catatonia. His connection rate currently stands at 47.78%. He's made a connection with 43 out of 90 callers. That feels close to 50%.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  It is. It always is. We're always close. It's tantalising.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  What can he do this week? We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello, what's your name, caller?

• 26:31Speaker 04

  Hello, it's Lucy.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Lucy, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with Ellis. Your time starts now.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  27 and Hendy, Bringwin and Kolikshirgar. Kolikshirgar and you're 27. Hendy. So did you grow up in Hendy?

• 26:47Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Okay. Do you know Emir Wynn, the singer and actor who was on Publicum?

• 26:53Speaker 04

  No.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Do you know my, do you know his parents? Do you know my, not his parents, your, do you know my friend Claire Roberts? She now lives at Market or some Hendy?

• 27:00Speaker 04

  No.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  Okay, what do you do for a living?

• 27:02Speaker 04

  I'm a radio producer.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  Who for?

• 27:05Speaker 04

  Radio Nottingham, BBC Radio Nottingham.

• 27:08Speaker 00

  Do you know Matt Ford?

• 27:11Speaker 04

  No.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Okay. If you went to university, where did you go?

• 27:14Speaker 04

  Loughborough.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Loughborough. Do you know Lloyd Langford? He didn't even go there. Hendy, Kolikshirgar, you're 27. Totten Kolikshirgar. Did you spend much time in Llathlwy?

• 27:29Speaker 04

  Yes, I moved to Llathlwy after, in secondary school.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Oh, do you know anyone who works at Tenopolis?

• 27:35Speaker 04

  No.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Ayyyy. I cycled through Hendy the other day.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  I think at one point Ellis almost asked you, Lucy, if you knew your own parents.

• 27:50Speaker 04

  I thought that's what he was gonna say.

• 27:52Speaker 00

  No, I know, no, I don't need that. I said, go there, Hendy, 27.

• 27:57Speaker 04

  I think I do.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  You did stop yourself just about.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Kolikshirgar, Hendy. Where is Hendy, Ellis?

• 28:05Speaker 00

  It's, I suppose, it's between Swansea and Llanelly, would you say?

• 28:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, pretty much.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  So continue asking, Ellis, if you like, for a little bit.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Bit of a sun lounge moment.

• 28:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Twenty-seven years of age, so you're born in the nineties. What school did you go to? Bryngwyn?

• 28:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, so Hendy Bryngwyn and then Colloch Shearghar.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Colloch Shearghar. I know people who went to Colloch Shearghar but afterwards. What was your, who was your career's officer at Colloch Shearghar?

• 28:37Speaker 04

  Oh, that's such a good question. I've no idea.

• 28:40Speaker 00

  Because Mam will have known them and I will have heard about her talking about that person because she used to bring her homework home with her.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  But in a nice way.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  In a nice way, was always positive and I loved it. You went to Lefbrer, okay. Hendy. You didn't do youth theatre in the Gwendyth Valley, did you, by any chance?

• 29:00Speaker 04

  No, I wasn't allowed to.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  Okay, why not?

• 29:03Speaker 04

  I don't know, we just never did. I did ask to do it and then never did.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Oh, what a shame. Did you, did you do it anyway?

• 29:10Speaker 04

  Uh, no, no, went into something else in uni.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Did you ever do radio in Wales?

• 29:17Speaker 04

  Not in Wales, no.

• 29:19Speaker 00

  What's in them again? Lucy?

• 29:21Speaker 04

  Lucy.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  Do you know any other Lucys?

• 29:24Speaker 04

  I know lots of, lots of Lucys with a Y but not so many Lucys with an I E.

• 29:28Speaker 01

  Uh, do you know of any connections, Lucy?

• 29:31Speaker 04

  Um, I was really involved in local politics when I was in college, so I thought maybe some of the local politicians might be a...

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Do you know, do you know my friend Andrew Johnson who's with the Labour Party, out of curiosity?

• 29:43Speaker 04

  No, I was more on the plaid side.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Oh, you were on the plaid side.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  We've never discussed whether Ellis is on the plaid side or the Labour side.

• 29:55Speaker 00

  Plaid side where?

• 29:57Speaker 04

  Inklently, so, um, along like Helen Mary Jones's campaign.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Do you know Hareth?

• 30:04Speaker 04

  Hareth, no.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Do you know Hareth Gwynnford? He's more sort of yes, comeery kind of thing, but I think he canvases for Plaid.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  Not that I remember.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  Okay, because I know Hareth, he was canvassing in Lillie Quayle. Oh, who's that guy with the sensible trousers? My mother knows who canvases in Klently all the time. What's his name?

• 30:24Speaker 01

  You'd want any canvasser to have sensible trousers.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  No, but he's very sensible.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'm not going to take a leaflet from someone with like leopard print. Tight, like kind of, um.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  I have met Helen Mary Jones, but I wouldn't say I.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  Rod Stewart. I'm not going to take a flyer from Rod Stewart.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  I wouldn't say I knew Helen Mary Jones. I, I have, I have met her, but I wouldn't say that I knew her.

• 30:45Speaker 04

  I think it would count if you'd met her.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  I think she's probably too famous because she's politician.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Do you know any musicians, Lucy?

• 30:55Speaker 04

  No, I don't think so. Not that I'm aware of. Maybe we've got some secret magicians.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  No musicians?

• 31:00Speaker 04

  Magicians, yeah.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  I'd love it if we had a mutual magician in there.

• 31:04Speaker 01

  I never know. What about Radio Nottingham? Have you ever interviewed any comedians?

• 31:09Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, we have, um, but I've just, I sit behind, behind the glass in the studio, so I don't do a lot of.

• 31:16Speaker 00

  At Radio Nottingham, do you turn the heating on for the guests?

• 31:20Speaker 04

  Turn the heating on?

• 31:21Speaker 00

  Well, I once did Radio Derby and when I turned up, they said, we turned the heating on for you.

• 31:28Speaker 04

  Derby's a different world.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  Derby is a different world. So do you live up in Nottingham now?

• 31:32Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  The Plaid side. Man will have loads of connections with you.

• 31:39Speaker 00

  Because, um, can I give my mother's politics away on air?

• 31:42Speaker 01

  I'm with you, but probably not. Yeah, of course you can.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Would you? Well, she puts it on social media.

• 31:47Speaker 00

  My mother puts it on social media. Oh, she loves it.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. She loves what?

• 31:53Speaker 00

  Putting politics on social media.

• 31:54Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 31:56Speaker 00

  No, I don't think so. There'll be. So how long have you lived in England?

• 32:01Speaker 04

  Uh, since uni. So I left for uni and then have been here since. So it's probably what? Five or six years now.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Years, yeah. I think that's a, that's a failure, but an interesting failure, Lucy. Don't worry about it.

• 32:13Speaker 04

  If it's any help to you, my, my secondary school French teacher was, um, Tonya Antoniazi, the MP for Gower. If that's any good for you.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  No, but my friend Andrew had no Tonya. Because he was, he was all over the Labour Party. I saw him in Llanelly the other day, actually. But never mind, never mind. It's fine. Do you agree with me that Llanelly Train Station needs a lick of paint?

• 32:35Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  100% and it has done since the 90s. Really?

• 32:39Speaker 01

  And you think that's a cheap solution? You'd think, actually, the community could get together and do that. Not that they should have to.

• 32:46Speaker 00

  No, but it's just, since I was about 11, I thought, they should really paint Llanelly Train Station. And they never, and I am 45. And I thought to myself the other day, when I, when I, when I went through Llanelly Train Station the other day and thought to myself, God, Llanelly Train Station needs a lick of paint, which I think every single time. I thought, oh, maybe they've painted it since, you know, in the year 2000 and now it's started peeling again. But no, because I've been going through it regularly for at least 35 years.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Well, next adventure's up. Alison, John, paint Llanelly Stays.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  There we go. There we go. It's nice. We've come up with great content. Thank you, Lucy.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  Thank you, Lucy.

• 33:23Speaker 04

  You're welcome.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Apologies that there was no connection, but it seems like there was no connection and that's the way the cookies crumble.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  That's the game.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  Right, let's play a made up game.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Woo!

• 33:50Speaker 00

  You're a strummer in space? You work for the Space Council and you're strimming a space lawn.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  It's alert, alert, alert, attention, Patreons and RSS listeners. BBC Sounds listeners have been evacuated from the building. This is an emergency.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've just done that.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  Mine's better than yours.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Yours is too late. Yours is too late. Everyone's died from the blast.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  And content.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  This is a ring fenced zone where we can talk about a plurality of projects.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  And you ignored my American film police car arriving at the scene of the crime noise.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  Let's hear that.

• 34:32Speaker 00

  Woo.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's good.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  That is good.

• 34:37Speaker 01

  Ellis is doing some Welsh language stand up gigs.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  Big time. And I cannot mention it on the BBC.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  You probably could if you'd done it.

• 34:43Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I reckon I'll be able to mention the big one because it's on, it'll be televised on S14, which means we'll aim, or the event is being televised on S14, so it will end up on the iPlayer.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  Go on, talk to us about your gigs and where are the URLs found?

• 34:56Speaker 00

  Right then. And God, I need your help, listeners.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  But don't sound desperate with it.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  I'll sound as desperate as I like, Dave.

• 35:04Speaker 01

  I'll bring the confidence.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Play it cool. Play it cool. I've just got a couple more.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  I've actually got a fair amount of confidence in my own abilities.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Good. You're doing the Royal Albert Hall next year. I hope so.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  Oh, I'll be doing that in Welsh, Dave. So on August the 5th, which is a Wednesday, the Wednesday of the Estefod, I am performing in the main pavilion. I'm doing stand up. I've never been able to do it before for various reasons. And I would say in Welsh language comedy circles, it doesn't get bigger than that. So, but I'm not really worried about that because that will look after itself during Estefod Week, I think. However, I am having to do warm up shows.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Because I've not done a gig in Welsh since November 2024, so I'm gonna do some warm-up shows.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  Why don't you Oasis it and just go straight in? It's one of the biggest gig of the years.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  It's absolutely extraordinary they did that.

• 35:57Speaker 01

  But they did rehearse, didn't they?

• 35:59Speaker 00

  They rehearsed.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  You've got to get in front of a crowd.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  They blurred a little, blurred a little tour.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  And they were doing really small venues.

• 36:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  Because they, they actually felt you did have to get in front of a crowd. And in stand-up, as John will attest, you do have to get in front of a crowd.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Well, I, my, I was back in Bristol. I hadn't done any warm-up gigs.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm not comparing. I'm, I'm doing, I'm closing the thing.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  So where can people find tickets?

• 36:21Speaker 00

  On, there's multiple venues. So this is why I need your help, really. I'm doing two warm-ups in Wales on July the 17th and 18th. So on the 17th, I'll be in Gartholog, which is a lovely venue. And on the 18th, which is the Saturday, I will be doing a stand-up in Cardiff at a new venue called Llanfair Hall. Right? So there'll be a link to the tickets on my Instagram. There'll be a link in my bio. The ones I'm worried about selling are as follows.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  No, we need to rephrase that. The ones I would love you to be there for.

• 36:57Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm gonna rephrase it in a, in a third way. The ones I really need London's Welsh speakers to turn up for.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 37:04Speaker 00

  I've decided to win an ABC in Canada, in Kennington, my favourite English gig, on the 23rd of July, which is a Thursday, and also the 3rd of August, which is the Monday.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  I mean, Kennington, you could probably do a gig in Welsh to the regular audience and you still rip it. It's such a nice gig.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  That is true, but I don't want to rely on that.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  What's ABC in Welsh?

• 37:30Speaker 00

  Aber Ech. So I'm doing Aber Ech and Kennington, because there is no Welsh word.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  And that's not the Ech in Aber?

• 37:37Speaker 00

  No.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  No.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  You can open with that.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  I think I might. So as I said, Thursday the 23rd and Monday the 3rd, I'll be doing ABC Aberc in Kannington. Tickets are on the ABC website. Really looking forward to that one. I'm also doing the London Welsh Centre. I'm doing the 1st and the 2nd of August and I will, I've not even told them I'm doing this yet. I'll give the proceeds to the London Welsh School in Hanwell, but they don't know that yet. So that's a lovely surprise for them. So London Welsh, Saturday the 1st and Sunday the 2nd at the London Welsh Centre on Greys Inn Road. Tickets are on their website. It's the ABC ones really I'm worried about because...

• 38:22Speaker 02

  Not worried, you're excited for.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  Excited for poor sales.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  But even if you have 12 people there, it's fine.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  I'd like more than 12. I only need 140 for both because it seats 70.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Well, I'll tell you what we'll do. In the podcast description, we'll put the links as well.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  You are a diamond, Steve.

• 38:40Speaker 02

  There you go. We'll have the description in.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  You're a positive influence in my life.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Oh, good.

• 38:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm really, really looking forward to doing this, Edford, and all of my family are coming. They've got a minibus.

• 38:51Speaker 02

  Oh, when I was in the pub the other night, I didn't really ask, I didn't ask them to do this, but they were very keen. They were like, we'll just get everyone here from, all your mates from Stockport, we'll get on a minibus and we'll come to the Royal Albert Hall gig. So now there's like an away day planned for the Royal Albert Hall gig next year.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. So the Edford gig on the 5th, on the Wednesday night, I'm really looking forward to that. But it is very sweet that a lot of my aunties and uncles have got a minibus for this.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  I would imagine the Welsh speaking London community are not thinking, oh, I've got so many Welsh language events this year. I can't, I can't just fit in another one. They will be very excited for that.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. And what happened was the London Welsh shows have always sold really well because they've got a great mailing list. But I was doing ABC and then I realised I didn't have any work in progress gigs. So I just asked James and James was like, yes, of course you can.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  That's nice.

• 39:40Speaker 00

  So, which is very good, very nice of him.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  Sure. And while we're here, you know, my book and audiobook and ebook are still available and have been picked by Audible and Spotify as their choices of the year so far, brackets, but we don't put that on the Instagram post, but it is so far. I could get knocked out.

• 39:59Speaker 00

  But we're in June.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:03Speaker 00

  So that is six months.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  It's half time.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Of content that you're better than. And it is a competition.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  As good as some of.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  It's all a competition, John, and you've won.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Life's a quiz and then you die.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  What's the big gig that's coming up for Ellis and John, though? In the next month or so that we want to have a quick plug for?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  At Crossed Wires.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  Crossed Wires in Sheffield.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  Oh, I thought it was in Leeds. Sorry, I had crossed wires.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  My goodness, you should be worried.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  Be afraid.

• 40:31Speaker 00

  Good stuff. Come on. A Mr. Leeds is in Sheffield.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  Confuse the message, though.

• 40:36Speaker 00

  Leeds is in Yorkshire.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  It is.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Which one am I to have to? It's good humour.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  John, do you want to take it from here?

• 40:41Speaker 01

  Yes, Ellis and John and Dave will be performing their podcast live in Sheffield at the Crossed Wires Festival. We'd be delighted to see you there. It will be being recorded and.

• 40:53Speaker 00

  John's going to give you all a mind SDI.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  And that's an Ellis and John guarantee.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  And we'll be releasing elements of behind the scenes footage from it. It's a big event. It's a big room.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  Oh, it is. It is Sheffield City Hall on the 4th of July.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  And if you want to snog someone with their consent afterwards, the only place to be is all my friends with Dave Masterman, Lou Sanders and Anya Magliano.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  No, none of them.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  Oh dear, Dave.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  That's the London one. I've got a London gig at Coco in a couple of weeks.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  Well, actually, this Saturday. That's fine. That's that's safe. Amy Gladhill is DJing Crossed Wires with me.

• 41:35Speaker 00

  It's going to be good.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  Amy Gladhill, Dave Masterman and.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  That's it. It's a load of great, great folks.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Load of great ladies and men and all people and all walks of life.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  So go to crossedwires.live. You can get tickets for Ellis and John and you can get discounted tickets for all my friends.

• 41:51Speaker 00

  I cannot emphasise this enough. If you're a Welsh speaker and you live in London, I really need your help because I cannot mess up the Estefod.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  Thirst available now.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  That was all good. That was all good.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Thanks to Jonny for the Maber voucher.

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Right, that's enough. That is enough.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  I do love Maber. Edit that out, feel free to.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  No, edit it in again. Just have him on repeat saying that.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  Emergency over. Return to normal programming.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  Okay, Dave, what have you got for us today, made up game wise?

• 42:28Speaker 02

  Made up game wise, you ask? Jingle. Oh, we're sticking with Matt's sensational jingle. It's George Harrison inspired. It was played-

• 42:36Speaker 01

  Well, we had an email from Matt, Dave, of course.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  We did.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  Lovely Matt. And Matt says, if I can just access it, well, well, well. What's Welsh for well, well, well?

• 42:48Speaker 00

  Well, well, well, but with one L. Otherwise it'd be welch, welch, welch, which means better, better, better.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Hey, that's not bad. You can say to that to yourself in the dressing room.

• 42:57Speaker 00

  Oh my god, I've written more material. Better, better, better.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  I just listened to episode 549. Have we done that many?

• 43:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's mad, isn't it?

• 43:06Speaker 01

  That's insane. We've got too many at this point.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  Too much content.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. And heard the amazing advert you put together for the Made Up Games album. I was out running around a wood at lunchtime, listening, and I stopped in my tracks, smiling, and I think I punched the air. Genius. I'm incredibly grateful for the time and effort you put in. Matt, you're the one putting in the time and effort, mate. I'm hoping to send you some proper gifts, not stalker related, but I did want to send you this email to let you know how fantastic that was. Thank you, Michael and Dave especially. On my name, I didn't choose it, and I don't think my parents realised Matthew can be shortened to Matt, but it is especially hilarious when picking up orders from a paint shop. I've also played a gig with Matt White before. I wonder if that's Matthew E. White, musician. Thank you once again, Matt Black.

• 43:51Speaker 02

  Matt Black. So if you missed it, we won't play it again, but last week's Tuesday app, we put together a Mark Goodyear voiced ad for all of the tracks that Matt's written so far for our Made Up Games feature, because he's done about six, I think he's done six now, and there are a few more to come. But at the minute, we are at his George Harrison inspired number, which was played for the first time last week. Here it is.

• 44:17Speaker 05

  Slowly.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  And you're bored and there's nothing to do.

• 44:28Speaker 05

  Like when you're waiting at a railway station. Or you've reached the end of conversation. That's the perfect kind of situation for a made up game. Let's play a made up game all night.

• 44:46Speaker 05

  Made up game, let's play a made up game. Let's play a made up game tonight. We're gonna play another game of someone's making us. So come along and play a made up game.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  That always makes me think of my friend, the dear Robin Allender. Because we used to go to karaoke in Bristol and he would always do My Sweet Lord, which has like a two minute instrumental in the minute, in the middle. And during that, he would break dance.

• 45:14Speaker 02

  Oh, would he?

• 45:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:16Speaker 02

  Robin.

• 45:16Speaker 01

  Well, like badly.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  He sang at his wedding, but I can't remember what the song was.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  Did he?

• 45:22Speaker 01

  Robin sang at his wedding?

• 45:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Oh, he sang, um, Lady in Red.

• 45:26Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  Oh, nice.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  What's, what's impressive with Matt is he's doing all these kind of,

• 45:34Speaker 02

  songs inspired by other artists, but Matt's got a real style. Like, if you listen to all the other stuff that Matt's done, like, he's kind of almost also got his own kind of effect and voice.

• 45:43Speaker 01

  Is he your new favourite band, Dave?

• 45:45Speaker 02

  I think Matt's up there. Matt is up there. Right, scores on the doors. John is on the march. Ellis should be worried. He roundly thrashed Ellis in last week's excellent game, Proverb or No Verb? Proverb or No Verb? That took the scores to thirty love in the third set. Ellis leading one game to love, of course. John leading two sets to love overall.

• 46:05Speaker 00

  God, he's like Argentina.

• 46:07Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Scored a hat trick even though he's all old.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you can say that. I don't really know what it means.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Lionel Messi, he's 39.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  All right, it's not that old.

• 46:19Speaker 00

  It is for a footballer.

• 46:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. How old's Ronaldo?

• 46:22Speaker 00

  Forty-one. He was born in 1985.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  Uh, this week's game comes in from JB. Hey gang, after last week's impressive array of impressions. Obviously we did, what did you do last week, Ronnie Corbett?

• 46:36Speaker 00

  I did Ronnie Corbett laughing.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:38Speaker 00

  And I said the word golf.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  It went down well on the camera.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  It was a game of golf.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  Uh, I thought I'd suggest a game similar to one we have played, uh, uh, no, sorry. Uh, I'd suggest a game similar to one we used to play at university. I've updated the name because of Elis's upcoming historic gig at the Royal Albert Hall. It's called Impressions Are A Privilege.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  Good. The aim of the game is to try and do 10 celebrity impressions in 90 seconds.

• 47:08Speaker 02

  You'll each be given a card with 10 different celebrities on it.

• 47:13Speaker 00

  What if I don't know the person?

• 47:14Speaker 02

  Let me finish the rules. You'll each be given a card with 10 different celebrities on it. Crucially, producer Dave doesn't know who is on your lists. And he's the person who has to guess the celebrity you are trying to impersonate.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  Out of curiosity.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Well.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Obviously whether this is in the spirit of the game or not is, I suppose, is up to you. But if I was given Ronnie or Sullivan, would I be able to say, oh, I scored 147s really fast?

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, because that is something I would do.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  I know you would, and that's why you need to let me finish the rules.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  Please continue, Dave.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  You'll each have 90 seconds to do your impressions. And if you're struggling to nail down an impression, you can pass. But if you pass, you forfeit the chance of winning that point. So you can't return to that impression later. If you pass, you pass.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  And this might be down to me as well. I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Because I don't think I'm very good at this, which will ruin your chances of winning the game. You did a few impressions in Dave's big quiz at the start of the year. And John, as is his wont with his massive brain,

• 48:16Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 48:16Speaker 02

  Bent the rules as far as they could by doing less impressioning and more explaining.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:23Speaker 02

  That's clever. So to counter this, each celebrity on your list will be in a certain situation or scenario that you have to play out. Okay?

• 48:31Speaker 01

  Well, shall we say that you just can't give facts about your person?

• 48:35Speaker 00

  So Ronnie O'Sullivan's in the mouth of a dinosaur.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  And he can't say it's hard to make 147s inside a T-Rex.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's really sharp, all these teeth. I wish I had a snooker cue so I could knock out 147 of them.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, that'd be, that'd be tricky. I wouldn't do that.

• 48:51Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  So it's voice alone.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  Voice alone. For example, Sean Bean ordering a flat white or Demi Moore applying for a loan.

• 48:58Speaker 00

  But I couldn't do, I couldn't, I couldn't do Sean Bean saying, I love birds, mate.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  I think that's fair enough. That's an impression of him.

• 49:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, but he's.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Oh, no, you can't say birds.

• 49:11Speaker 00

  No. All right. Okay. I like, I like being in gritty dramas.

• 49:16Speaker 01

  No, you can't do that.

• 49:17Speaker 00

  Last one set in prison.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  No, you've got to do the thing where it says on the card.

• 49:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is why we put the things on the card.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 49:24Speaker 02

  So just be fair with it.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, be fair for goodness sake.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  And sorry in advance, because I think I will panic. This is why I don't play the bloody games. Right, Ellis, there's your card. John, there's your card. Don't, don't look at the cards!

• 49:37Speaker 01

  What?

• 49:37Speaker 02

  Don't look at the cards.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Why don't you get time to prepare, mate?

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Because you're both gonna take, you go separately. So you can only look at the card as the time starts.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 49:47Speaker 02

  Most points at the end wins. Michael, are you on point scoring?

• 49:50Speaker 00

  Okay, right. And you're the arbiter. Yeah. It's just down to you. I don't like it. And you're nervous.

• 49:56Speaker 02

  I am. That's it. There are all the rules. So 90 seconds. 90 seconds is fairly lengthy. So we've got a bit of time here. Ellis will get you to go first.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Impression with a scenario or situation. Don't look at the cards, yeah, Ellis. I've not said the time starts. He's already thinking. All right, time starts now.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  Oh, oh my God, I'd like to buy a ticket to Slough.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  Robert De Niro.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  No.

• 50:26Speaker 02

  Al Pacino.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  Oh, I can't give away.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  Right, no way. I can't believe that. So, the way kids are made.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  Oh, Brian Cox?

• 50:39Speaker 00

  No. The way kids are made, it let me and Peter.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  Pass, pass if you want.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  Pass.

• 50:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, no, that's.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  I can't like that. Love to see a great crusted grebe.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  Ringo, Ringo.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Nope. Or maybe a kingfisher, or I don't know, maybe a swallow.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  John Lennon, Paul McCartney, John Lennon.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  No, I'd like.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Frank, Frank Spencer?

• 51:19Speaker 00

  Listen to Talk Sport, or are you not listening to Talk Sport?

• 51:24Speaker 02

  Oh, Bruce Forsyth, Bruce Forsyth.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  Um, ah, is this root canal gonna hurt, or am I gonna have to write a song about it?

• 51:36Speaker 02

  Johnny Cash?

• 51:38Speaker 00

  Johnny Cash? Um, ah, so, yeah, I mean, uh.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  Tony Black.

• 51:45Speaker 00

  How are my children doing at school?

• 51:48Speaker 02

  Tony Black, Boris Johnson.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  Dave, right, in fairness to Ellis, you need to be guessing people that sound in some way related to the noises he's making.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Right, the problem is.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Have we got a time? Time's up.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  Obviously, I'd be able to say, I could have made references to being a pet detective in the first one. Or being a liar, or.

• 52:14Speaker 02

  Oh, goodness, okay.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  But I can't say any of that stuff, so I'm just trying to buy a train ticket to Slough as Jim Carrey.

• 52:20Speaker 02

  Jim Carrey, yeah, of course. It is harder.

• 52:23Speaker 00

  Paddy McGinnis was general. I actually mentioned Peter at one stage. I thought that was cheating, so I stopped. I had to talk.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  As Paddy McGinnis talking to my children.

• 52:30Speaker 02

  Because you are right, as soon as you can't say no like and no like it.

• 52:33Speaker 00

  Exactly. I was John Lennon going bird watching, which you did get, I think.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  He was the last Beatle, yeah, last Beatle.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  I was, and I hadn't even done my Macca. I was Bruce Forsyth doing small talk with a cab driver.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  That was really good.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was good.

• 52:46Speaker 00

  Um, I missed Margaret Thatcher Swansea when I can do a, I can do a Margaret Thatcher. Dolly Parton before a root canal, what a hospital pass that was.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  Not Johnny Cash.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  And then I was Hugh Grant at a parents' evening.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:02Speaker 00

  And I didn't get as far as Queen Elizabeth II paying the Blackwall Tunnel charge over the phone, Morgan Freeman returning a broken blender, or Robert De Niro confronting someone who's dropped litter.

• 53:16Speaker 02

  Right. Two. Was it two?

• 53:18Speaker 01

  Okay, so for example, for Morgan Freeman returning a broken blender, would you be able to say, "There are seven deadly sins"? That's not his voice, but there are seven deadly sins. The first one is making a blender that doesn't work correctly.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think if you could be a bit clever with it.

• 53:38Speaker 00

  I think if you said that, I would have to admire your initiative. And I'm not going to complain about that.

• 53:46Speaker 02

  No.

• 53:47Speaker 00

  But it's difficult.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  But you couldn't say, "How can I expect it to work with this blender when I'm starring in Seven with Brad Pitt"?

• 53:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. Or, "How can I expect this blender to work when I've been in prison for the last 30 years in a prison called Shawshank"?

• 54:00Speaker 01

  Okay. Ready?

• 54:01Speaker 02

  I'd like to say, "The blender put up a good fight". You could do that.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  No, you couldn't. That's tricky. Right.

• 54:06Speaker 00

  The scenarios are so mad.

• 54:08Speaker 02

  I know. Well, Michael's done a very good job because they're funny. That's the point. We're having a bit of fun, aren't we? We're having a bit of fun on a Friday afternoon. Or whenever you're listening, of course. John, are you ready?

• 54:19Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 54:21Speaker 02

  Time starts now.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  You can't bring about change when you're hungry.

• 54:26Speaker 02

  Keir Starmer.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Very good. That was good.

• 54:31Speaker 01

  Are you trying to break into my house? That's a Volvo XC60 out there.

• 54:37Speaker 00

  That's excellent.

• 54:38Speaker 02

  Alan Partridge?

• 54:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  That's excellent.

• 54:44Speaker 01

  Pass, pass.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  He's got to go. What are you telling me? I can't claim that on railway tickets. We fight for the railway tickets. We fight for the vat.

• 54:58Speaker 02

  De Niro?

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Um.

• 55:01Speaker 00

  It's very good.

• 55:03Speaker 02

  Martin Luther King.

• 55:05Speaker 00

  Martin Luther King.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  Well, it sounds a bit, you know, you know, big speech.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Oh, these shoes are so slay. Ellis, Ellis would never let me wear these shoes in studio. Um, but I think they're a bit too big for me. Oh, they eat crumbs and don't lie.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  Dave, are you thick?

• 55:24Speaker 02

  What? It's famous person. Famous person. Oh, is he? From the shirt. Right. Okay. Oh, yeah. That's the first thing. But I was like, is she not? I mean, she's a little bit famous, I suppose.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Excuse me, when's the next train to Barnet?

• 55:36Speaker 02

  Uh, David Bowie.

• 55:38Speaker 01

  Um, oh, great. I found me blooming dog because I've taken so much smack that and cork and I'm, oh, good. Oh, kids, I found, I found your dog. Correct, yeah.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  Wow. Five? Five, though.

• 55:55Speaker 01

  I think I could have got most of the rest as well. Mine, I think, are a bit easier.

• 55:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Everyone's got a Bowie in them. Everyone's got a Liam. What was the other one you did?

• 56:04Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm going fishing and I want to catch a big trout.

• 56:08Speaker 02

  Oh, um.

• 56:10Speaker 00

  Bob Mortimer.

• 56:13Speaker 01

  My daughter doesn't eat meat, but my husband will like it.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  I don't know. No, that was Mark Simpson.

• 56:22Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's bang on, actually. That was pretty good. Were you doing Al Pacino?

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was, yeah.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  I said, didn't I say Al?

• 56:30Speaker 01

  Which one was that? I said Robert De Niro.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  Oh, I would have come to Al Pacino next.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  Would you?

• 56:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't know, did I?

• 56:34Speaker 01

  I gave you time, too. And, um.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  Are you saying that I s-

• 56:41Speaker 02

  Marlon Brando.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. Yes. I think mine were a bit easier.

• 56:44Speaker 02

  Maybe you had a slightly easier Rub of the Green.

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:47Speaker 00

  But, uh, good, good. I admired it though, and I liked to see him stretch his legs.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  Ah, yeah, you're good. You have some good impressions in there.

• 56:53Speaker 00

  Let's have a look at your card.

• 56:54Speaker 01

  I would have liked to have remembered Christopher Walken because there's, like, there's a famous scene of him in Annie Hall. I don't think I'd have got Christopher Walken.

• 57:02Speaker 00

  The problem I've got is that Hugh-

• 57:04Speaker 01

  Oh, Dave.

• 57:05Speaker 02

  Isn't it like that?

• 57:06Speaker 01

  Oh, isn't it like that? Who? What's he, what was he going to be doing?

• 57:09Speaker 00

  Problem with Hugh Grant.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Haggling for a watch. Are you telling me this watch is 200 pounds? You're crazy.

• 57:16Speaker 02

  I can hear it, but I wouldn't have got it in the moment.

• 57:18Speaker 00

  Hugh Grant, you end up veering into General Posh.

• 57:21Speaker 02

  You do.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  Paddy McGinnis, you veer into General Lancashire.

• 57:25Speaker 02

  Yeah. Uh, I didn't guess fast, Thatcher.

• 57:29Speaker 01

  Do you, Thatcher?

• 57:29Speaker 02

  No, um, Dolly Parton, you just sound like an American woman from the south.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  From Nashville.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Who did I say? Who was Martin Luther? Who was Martin Luther King?

• 57:41Speaker 01

  Oh, that was, um, Al Pacino.

• 57:43Speaker 02

  I was.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Because you went, you went Robert De Niro, Martin Luther King.

• 57:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, obviously.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  A very good game, bit of fun.

• 57:53Speaker 02

  Fun game. Thank you to JB.

• 58:02Speaker 01

  Right, shall we end with a shame well?

• 58:03Speaker 02

  Oh, yes, please.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  Okay, let's head in.

• 58:07Speaker 05

  What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time. I didn't know he's only got one hand. I was signed in on her Gmail.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  John's Shamewell. Right then, everyone, I'm safe from the heatwave here in the shame well. It's damp, it's dark.

• 58:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Uh, it's low down. Heat rises, as you know.

• 58:32Speaker 02

  I didn't sleep well last night because it was too hot.

• 58:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, big heatwave in progress. So remember the basics, okay?

• 58:40Speaker 02

  I didn't this morning. I forgot to water my plants outside the front of the house.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  Oh, you'll be all right. It's been raining shed loads recently.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  They don't get the rain because they're kind of under a little porch. And today was the, you know, when you're at the, you're at the end of the run of, because I've not done it for the last few days. Today's the day with the heat that they're gonna wilt.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Oh dear.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  So.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  You can get those little sort of drip things that you put in.

• 59:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Are they pot plants?

• 59:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I should.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Um, so yeah, just make sure you're keeping windows and curtains closed until the air outside is cooler than the air inside. Unless you live in like a flat or a greenhouse or somewhere with lots of glass where the air inside will heat exponentially.

• 59:22Speaker 01

  Run a t-shirt under a cold tap, wring it out, pop it on. The best air conditioning you can buy, apart from air conditioning, which you can buy. And I have bought and works great.

• 59:32Speaker 02

  Did you open?

• 59:33Speaker 00

  The loft door or do you not open the loft door?

• 59:35Speaker 01

  I've tried opening the loft door, but my dislike of heat is outweighed by my fear of spiders. I don't want spiders coming down into my cool bedroom.

• 59:46Speaker 00

  Our loft is warmer than the rest of the house.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  It's never worked for me. No, so you open the hatch and the hot air goes into it.

• 59:52Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  Because the hot air from downstairs goes up.

• 59:55Speaker 00

  Rises, okay.

• 59:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is, it does work.

• 59:59Speaker 01

  And just, you know, eat lots of cool drinks.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna get a spider because I'm hard.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  Uh, I came into my living room the other day and there was a spider on the floor that I described to myself as a prime minister of spiders. I get about three a year and they are off the scale big.

• 1:00:18Speaker 00

  What would you do if I was in your house and I put it in my mouth and then I open my mouth slowly and it just crawled onto my face?

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  I think I shoot you with a shotgun in the stomach.

• 1:00:29Speaker 00

  So the spider survives.

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, the spider survives.

• 1:00:34Speaker 01

  But I don't, I mean, I have, I have got better, but I do, I'm afraid, just kill them to end the the sort of the DNA line.

• 1:00:43Speaker 00

  Do you?

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, they've got to go when they're that big.

• 1:00:46Speaker 00

  No, I'd get them under a glass.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  No, I don't think I have a glass big enough. This is how big these things are. Yeah.

• 1:00:54Speaker 00

  Get them under, get them under a big Tupperware box and slide a copy of The Economist underneath them.

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  I could do that, but I don't.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Okay, what's the shame?

• 1:01:08Speaker 01

  I wrote into Simon Mayo's confessions on Radio One in the early nineties. He mentioned me, but refused to read out the confession due to the detail involved. I've therefore carried this confession around for thirty five years.

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  Oh, I love it. We're getting a confessions cast off.

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  I was in my, this is like Simon Mayo triple X.

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love it. Mayo late.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  Late night rude confessions. I was in my early twenties and just started a new job at an engineering research establishment in Leicestershire. Most of the engineers were very sporty and competitive, as was I. They set up a lunchtime squash ladder that dates it.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  Where you would visit the local sports centre to play your opponent at squash.

• 1:01:47Speaker 00

  Squash had such a good eighties.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Huge eighties. If you won, then you progressed up the ladder. The summer in question was particularly hot, and I'm sure most sports people are aware that in the heat of the day, you can become very sore between the thighs and cheeks whilst carrying out a sporting activity. My cure for this was to use a lip silt and apply it to the said area.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:02:06Speaker 01

  I always kept a stick handy in my pocket so I could apply when required. This particular day was very hot, and at lunchtime, I took on my next opponent, hoping to progress up the squash ladder. I'm not sure if I actually won the game, but I do remember being very sore between my cheeks afterwards. Not a problem, as I had my remedy, the lip silt. When returning to work and safely back in the office, I realised I'd developed a hole in my pocket. Back in those days, we had loose change and coins that could fall through pesky unwanted pocket holes. That meant I had to empty my pockets of all contents, including the lip silt, onto my desk in the office. Just as I'd done this, the group secretary waltzed into the room. She was a very good-looking young lady, and with a smile to die for.

• 1:02:48Speaker 01

  She looked at my desk, saw the lip silt, and said, fantastic, my lips are so dry today.

• 1:02:53Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  Before I could do anything, she had picked up the stick and was rubbing it all around her lips. At this point, there was little I could say or do, but the episode remains with me to this day.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  I'm gonna say.

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  It's bum silt.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  But I'm gonna say, that is an extraordinary bold move from the secretary.

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  It is.

• 1:03:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  Whether or not you've been using it on your bum, even if it's a brand new one.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  You don't just grab someone's lip silt.

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  No, you can't search another man's or woman's lip silt.

• 1:03:22Speaker 00

  You have to ask.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  Well, even then, I think you, I don't think I would, I would not ask to use someone's actual, like, stick. I might ask if they had a tub of Vaseline.

• 1:03:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. I've got a small tub of Vaseline. And you can offer that.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:03:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. But I think there's certain etiquette to that. Like, you tend to use a finger.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, if I put my lips into your tub of Vaseline and sort of kissed it onto my lips.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  I would never use someone else's lip silt or chapstick.

• 1:03:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's horrible.

• 1:03:51Speaker 00

  But then, when it's become bum silt, can she not tell?

• 1:03:55Speaker 02

  No, no, no, you're not telling.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  All of this is making my lips rather dry.

• 1:04:00Speaker 00

  Has that been on your bum?

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Uh, no.

• 1:04:02Speaker 00

  Also, I.

• 1:04:07Speaker 00

  The bum seal, I, it's, I'm not feeling it.

• 1:04:13Speaker 02

  What do you mean? No one's feeling it.

• 1:04:15Speaker 00

  I reckon she could tell, or, but also you'd never guess, you would never think, oh, this has been on his bum.

• 1:04:19Speaker 02

  Course not, thing is, what else could he have done? Because you can't go, no, don't use that! In a panicked manner, because then it's clear something untoward's happened to the bum seal.

• 1:04:28Speaker 01

  I think you'd be entitled to say, what the hell do you think you're doing?

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, I suppose if you played cooler than that, yeah.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  But, you could say, oh, I'd rather you didn't. What you can't say as well, I think I would have done in that situation, say, please don't use that, it's been on my anus.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  You can't say that.

• 1:04:44Speaker 00

  You can't say that.

• 1:04:45Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  I don't think you could say, hey, you don't know where that's been.

• 1:04:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's nice.

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  I can't use that, but maybe they were less, I guess, obviously not just pre-COVID, but pre, the bloody woke brigade, people didn't care about getting, like, contaminating things in the eighties.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  It was a pretty lady as well, so he probably panicked a bit, you know?

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  I also.

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  Because you don't want to embarrass yourself.

• 1:05:07Speaker 00

  I also think, I'll stop doing that, it's horrible.

• 1:05:11Speaker 01

  It's a very deep cut impression. If you, if you are my age and you had the, uh, James and the Giant Peach audiobook that was around in the mid eighties, the little magic man that gives James the, uh, worms goes.

• 1:05:28Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:05:29Speaker 02

  That's niche, yeah.

• 1:05:30Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  You're welcome.

• 1:05:31Speaker 00

  Uh, I thought she was gonna walk in on him playing it.

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 1:05:36Speaker 00

  That's where my mind had gone. I thought she was gonna somehow, maybe she had off his toilets and she was gonna walk in and he was sitting on the, loo, applying lipstick to his bum.

• 1:05:46Speaker 01

  And it is quite a dainty thing to be doing to your bum. Almost like putting lipstick on it.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  Mine boggles.

• 1:05:52Speaker 01

  Um, but we've all done it, some of us in front of Gabby Logan's press secretary, uh, before the London Marathon.

• 1:05:58Speaker 02

  That was mad. Yeah, I wonder if that'll be her shamewell one day that she sends into us.

• 1:06:03Speaker 01

  Well, that's the job of a press secretary is to shield Logan from the gritty reality of the London Marathon.

• 1:06:10Speaker 02

  The amount of times she's seen a marathon runner.

• 1:06:13Speaker 00

  But Logan will know the ins and outs.

• 1:06:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, but she doesn't necessarily want to be exposed to the ins or the outs.

• 1:06:21Speaker 02

  No, if that press secretary's done their job well, she isn't reporting that back to Logan.

• 1:06:25Speaker 00

  No, we should ask, we should ask Gabby what she'd think if she'd interviewed you mid.

• 1:06:29Speaker 02

  If she listens.

• 1:06:30Speaker 00

  Mid rub.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  So thank you everyone for your shamewells. Now, we've got a special request for shamewells for us to use at Crosswires Festival in Sheffield, where Ellis and I and Dave are doing a live version of this podcast. And we need your shamewells. We need your Sheffield shames.

• 1:06:48Speaker 02

  It'd be good if you're in the crowd and you've got a shame that you're desperate to get off your chest, because it'd be good if in real time, we're expunging the shame of someone in the room.

• 1:06:56Speaker 00

  But send them to us in advance, obviously.

• 1:06:59Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:06:59Speaker 00

  For the day to [email protected].

• 1:07:02Speaker 01

  So thanks so much for listening, everyone. We wish you all the best. Bye bye.

• 1:07:06Speaker 00

  Goodbye.

• 1:07:14Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:07:20Speaker 02

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:07:25Speaker 01

  Plus, you can find all things E J J R, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.