Pod Insights Elis James and John Robins #545 - AudioDog, Jibber Jabber Media and Rubadubdub Productions About this episode Today’s podcast is brought to you by a couple of big cheeses, a couple of real movers and shakers in the audio game. Because Elis and John have redefined what it means to give a keynote presentation at a podcast industry event.
Elis will be pushing back on whatever you say, and John won’t be wearing no lanyard for no one; he’s the Lou Reed of the podcast-first-radio-second generation.
But what of Producer Dave? Well he’s been banned from doing any DIY (read: superglueing things to walls) by his wife, so that’s freed up a lot of his time.
Elsewhere there’s some intense Cymru Connecting, and a controversial crisp-based Made Up Game involving everyone’s favourite owner of a bell tower.
Got an important message to send Canope Fibbs, the CEO of Rubadubdub Productions? Send it to us at [email protected] , and we’ll make sure he gets it.
For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn.
For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn.
For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com.
The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production.
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Transcript 12,106 words · 8 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.
0:04 Speaker 01 If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including
0:10 Speaker 00 mini-land pics.
0:11 Speaker 01 It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.
0:14 Speaker 00 Bird watching.
0:15 Speaker 02 My two favourite things are birds and football.
0:18 Speaker 01 And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.
0:22 Speaker 03 So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.
0:26 Speaker 02 Ellis is there as well, Dave.
0:27 Speaker 03 We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.
0:32 Speaker 00 So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.
0:40 Speaker 02 Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalised AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle/workspacewithGemini. That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.
1:32 Speaker 00 Hello, listeners. You're actually listening to Ellis and John because, believe it or not, you haven't tuned in to Wake Up To Money, Moneybox Live or even John Anomics, a programme we're currently piloting in which John solves the problems facing UK PLC by setting himself strange challenges, e.g. if he can hold his breath for the duration of a week, he'll give £440 million to try and eradicate structural regional equality and then build a new hospital in Luton. No, we're humble, relatable broadcasters who happen to give keynote addresses at major podcast events.
2:06 Speaker 01 Ayo.
2:08 Speaker 00 Yesterday, John and I were asked to speak at the podcast show at the Business Design Centre in Islington, an industry shindig full of audio's brightest movers and shakers, and the only place on earth where you could stop a delegate at random and there'd be a decent chance they could explain whatever the hell Podbean is. You could tell it was a top audio industry happening because everyone had a lanyard and no one's company name made any sense. Hi, it's Rafferty Tillison, I work for Brussels Sprout Media. No, no way, we've connected on email. I'm Seb Limpar, I work for Barefoot, we're an offshoot of Audio Dog.
2:44 Speaker 00 I began to worry that my name was too normal, so I introduced myself as Canopy Fibs, working as the CEO of Robert Updike Productions, until Dave pointed out that as a speaker, my name and picture were on a big screen. The day got off to a promising start when John was asked to fill in his details at reception and baffled a security guard by claiming that his email address and phone number and home address were all a 00000000 because he's worried about data farming. I didn't point this out at the time, but it's enormously unlikely anyone will want to steal John's identity if they've read first.
3:27 Speaker 00 The first autobiography, so harrowing it makes the author fraud-proof. We were led into a room full of the most important people in audio, over 100 people, wearing a collection of some of the stupidest glasses I've ever seen. Let me tell you, if you live in East London and work for an agency or a company called something like Dynamic Cabbage Productions, you look like you've got your specs from the props box at a Young Farmers' Club pantomime. As soon as the session began, John quite simply made the audience swoon. Within seconds, he had the room in the palm of his hand as he talked knowledgeably about hybrid commercialisation techniques, revenue generators in a multi-platform age
4:12 Speaker 00 and the rise of content creation in an atomised media landscape. It was at this stage that I felt myself wanting to crawl into a crevasse of my own personal suffering, as I remember that I've never listened in any meetings and the only thing I've ever told my agent is that of course I'll sign the contract as long as John signs it first. Rachel Burden was hosting the event and asked astute, penetrating questions to us both. John took the lead, but after a few minutes, I was beginning to worry that I had said very much. And then I remembered a great technique taught to me by a fellow non-listener in meetings. I waited for John to complete his thorough, considered answer before saying, "Sorry,
4:53 Speaker 00 John, can I just push back on that?" Rachel said, "Yeah, sure, of course." John looked slightly bewildered, "I've never done it before." He just repeated his final sentence, but with a slightly different turn of phrase. And I said, "Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought as much, yeah, thank you." The session was 30 minutes long. Over the remaining 24 minutes, I said, "Sorry, John, can I just push back on that?" An incredible 40 times, around once every 36 seconds. Rachel was clearly impressed. The audience was impressed. John was confused. "A man from Jibba Jibba Media," said I said.
5:31 Speaker 04 That doesn't exist.
5:33 Speaker 00 Does it? Of course it doesn't. Did you make that up?
5:36 Speaker 04 That's got to exist. Carry on.
5:38 Speaker 00 Okay, said, "Um..." There can't be a Jibba Jibba Media, surely not.
5:43 Speaker 04 There's a Jabbia Media.
5:45 Speaker 00 Okay, how do they spell in Jabbia?
5:46 Speaker 04 There's no Jibba. J-A-B-B-E-R.
5:49 Speaker 00 Oh, like, okay. Said, "I see how the partnership works so well. You interrogate John's thinking perfectly. I high-fived someone from Prattle Yak Productions."
6:07 Speaker 00 They're all terrible. Who said that my business acumen was sick? Significant Productions is still in its infancy, though with a culture like this, me keeping John humble by constantly saying, "Sorry, can I just push back on that?" And Dave doing all of the work, I can tell that very quickly, being on the FTSE 100 is only a few short years away.
6:28 Speaker 01 Oh. That's, that's one of the greats. Radio Bell, please.
6:34 Speaker 00 Oh, wow, okay.
6:36 Speaker 01 That made me laugh an enormous amount.
6:38 Speaker 00 That was good stuff. You've got a gift for that sort of thing.
6:41 Speaker 01 If you were wearing glasses, in our audience, he's not talking about you.
6:45 Speaker 00 No, no, God, no.
6:48 Speaker 01 Who, oh, this is an interesting question. Who was the only person at the whole event not wearing a lanyard, Alice?
6:54 Speaker 00 Yes, I noticed that. John refuses to wear lanyards. My lanyard got caught in my head mic in minute one. I don't know if you noticed, I didn't say anything until minute six, when I asked John to push back on something. Because I really...
7:09 Speaker 01 You asked me to push. John, can you just, can you just push back on that, the thing you just said?
7:14 Speaker 00 Yeah. Can someone push back? Please, someone push back.
7:18 Speaker 01 I don't wear lanyards.
7:20 Speaker 00 No, it's very funny. I'd also forgotten that John refuses to give personal details. I noticed that for the first time when we were on tour, and when he's asked to do it in hotels. Yeah. He's making up email addresses.
7:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, why does anyone need my email address?
7:33 Speaker 00 I know, it's just funny.
7:34 Speaker 01 What annoyed me, okay, cards on the table. I was a bit annoyed that my name wasn't on the list. So when I typed my name in, it didn't show up, so I had to do it manually.
7:46 Speaker 00 Okay.
7:47 Speaker 01 Right? And this is just to confirm that I am who I am. And so they, you, the little iPad, you're putting your details. What's your name? Fair enough. Company? Fair enough. Phone number? Email address? Home address? Are you out of your mind?
8:03 Speaker 00 Data is king these days.
8:05 Speaker 01 Data is king, but also like... What annoys me is they don't need it, they're just gathering it.
8:10 Speaker 04 Well, you'll get the emails to tell you about next year's podcast show.
8:13 Speaker 01 But I don't want that. I'll know because I'll be invited.
8:15 Speaker 04 Oh, yeah.
8:16 Speaker 00 Because he's a big cheese.
8:17 Speaker 01 I'm a big cheese who doesn't wear a lanyard.
8:19 Speaker 04 So what's the lanyard thing, John?
8:21 Speaker 01 I just, I hate it.
8:23 Speaker 00 He's a creative, Dave.
8:25 Speaker 04 Yeah, but you can be creative with a lanyard to play by the rules.
8:28 Speaker 01 I think everyone walking around with their lanyards on.
8:32 Speaker 04 When we were at Global Radio, you always had to wear a lanyard. I didn't wear my lanyard.
8:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't wear my.
8:36 Speaker 00 But that was a who tells you off if you don't wear one?
8:39 Speaker 01 Well, sometimes security, but I just have it in my pocket so I can show it when it's needed.
8:44 Speaker 04 Fine.
8:44 Speaker 00 I think Ian Brown refuses to wear leather work shoes, doesn't he? The only time he's ever done.
8:50 Speaker 01 Would he be made to wear leather work shoes?
8:52 Speaker 00 Well, yeah, but I mean, like, he would wear trainers for funeral.
8:55 Speaker 04 Oh.
8:57 Speaker 01 Oh, you don't mean like sort of steel toe cap boots? You mean smart shoes?
9:00 Speaker 00 Like smart shoes, brogues or something.
9:02 Speaker 01 I can't because I've got an arthritic big toe.
9:05 Speaker 00 Because he, he was in a Shane Meadows thing playing a copper. It was the first time he'd had to wear like black pants and shoes since he was at school.
9:14 Speaker 01 Oh, so he will wear them?
9:16 Speaker 00 He's worn them once since 1982.
9:18 Speaker 01 Okay.
9:19 Speaker 00 But that's a bit, when John point blank refuses to wear lanyards because he's Lou Reed.
9:25 Speaker 01 I was thinking about Lou Reed actually when I put it in my pocket.
9:28 Speaker 00 I always think of Ian Brown.
9:29 Speaker 01 Lou Reed would speak at a podcasting conference about commercial terrestrial hybrid agreements, but with his lanyard in his pocket. With his sunglasses on.
9:39 Speaker 00 Yeah, but I'm sort of really, I run a products podcast company and yeah, I write songs about heroin in my spare time. Yeah.
9:47 Speaker 01 Hmm. It dates back to Borders Day, Borders Days, because when you went on your break, you would ceremonially pull off your lanyard because it had a little snap thing at the back. You'd pull it off and go outside and have a cigarette because you weren't allowed to smoke wearing your lanyard.
10:05 Speaker 00 So why did you have to wear a lanyard to beat yourself into?
10:08 Speaker 01 No, so people knew you worked there.
10:09 Speaker 00 But was there not a uniform?
10:11 Speaker 01 No.
10:11 Speaker 00 Oh, right. Okay.
10:12 Speaker 01 No. So you'd have your little lanyard that says, hi, I'm John, I'm here to help, despite what my face is currently saying.
10:21 Speaker 01 They should say, my name is John and I've had a terrible day.
10:24 Speaker 04 Yeah.
10:25 Speaker 00 Did you ever get told to cheer up by your boss or something?
10:31 Speaker 00 Because I did.
10:31 Speaker 01 I did once at Virgin.
10:33 Speaker 00 I used to get told to cheer up.
10:34 Speaker 01 Once I was working at Virgin, I was chatting to my friend who worked on the tills and I served a customer whilst chatting to him. And you know, you can do everything automatically, like after about a month in any job.
10:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:48 Speaker 01 The till that baffled you is now you can do it with your eyes closed. So I'm just typing everything, scanning, putting it back. I don't think I even acknowledged the customer was there. And a guy, our supervisor came over and he said, John, that is the worst piece of customer service I have ever seen. And he sent me off to do the ordering on the back catalogue CDs, which actually I enjoyed.
11:07 Speaker 00 Yeah. My resting face is actually extremely miserable.
11:12 Speaker 01 Hmm.
11:13 Speaker 00 And so I used to, whenever I had jobs in shops and stuff, someone would say, come, come on, mate. It's a really bad advert.
11:22 Speaker 01 So Dave, did we shake up the audio world?
11:25 Speaker 00 I heard the.
11:26 Speaker 01 What was it? Prattle?
11:27 Speaker 00 Prattle Yak Media.
11:28 Speaker 01 Prattle Yak Media.
11:30 Speaker 04 Jibba Jabba were in. They were very, they were invested. We should play a made up game of real or fake production.
11:36 Speaker 01 Oh, we so should. Significant Productions is actually pretty classy.
11:40 Speaker 00 Because it's not stupid.
11:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:42 Speaker 04 Yeah, it is quite normal. I'm not going to start naming them. There is one in my head that is really, it's ridiculous.
11:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
11:47 Speaker 04 But I met him over the week, so I don't want to.
11:49 Speaker 00 Yeah, no, there's, there's a couple. I Googled a couple and was just laughing. There's one that, that, that often gets nominated for awards. And it's a silly company name. And whenever that company name is read out, I think, did no one think before registering that with Companies House?
12:10 Speaker 01 I loved the, all of the camera stands and the mic stands. And I also got a free bar of hot chocolate, a free bar of chocolate.
12:17 Speaker 00 Did you?
12:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:18 Speaker 00 Oh, yes, I did see you doing that.
12:19 Speaker 01 And entered into a raffle and I gave them my details because they were giving me chocolate. What was hilarious is around the outside of the business centre, you've got all the shops that are just there all year round. So there's these guys in like kitchen shops. We're getting no business all day.
12:34 Speaker 04 It's a big old do and it was, I think, important for us to be there. And from an industry perspective, everyone listens to this podcast.
12:41 Speaker 01 Yeah. So we'll be back next year in, there's one room bigger than ours.
12:45 Speaker 04 That was, we did get asked to be in this year.
12:47 Speaker 01 Did we?
12:47 Speaker 04 Yeah. Do you remember that? We, we just couldn't switch the times to be in there.
12:50 Speaker 00 I thought we were going to do the arena.
12:52 Speaker 04 Yeah, we're going to do Is- O2 Islington.
12:56 Speaker 01 Well, next year, we'll do the big one.
12:57 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:58 Speaker 01 What will we talk about next year?
13:00 Speaker 04 Just exactly the same.
13:01 Speaker 01 Okay, the same stuff.
13:02 Speaker 04 Yeah.
13:03 Speaker 01 So, yes, fun. And then we're doing some stuff in Manchester, Dave.
13:07 Speaker 04 Oh, we're getting around. We're just, you know, come get me, please, to agencies.
13:12 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, no. We say to agencies, you come. No, we, uh, come get yourself to us.
13:24 Speaker 04 Isn't that the same?
13:26 Speaker 00 Come get yourself to us?
13:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, come get yourself to us.
13:28 Speaker 00 Oh, my God, they've issued a come get yourself to us plea.
13:32 Speaker 01 Dave, we don't say come get me, please. We say, please, come get yourself to us and we'll, we'll answer the door when we're ready.
13:40 Speaker 00 No, it's a come get me plea. It's not come get me, please.
13:43 Speaker 01 Isn't it?
13:43 Speaker 00 No.
13:44 Speaker 01 Okay, well, listen, it's come get yourself to us, please.
13:47 Speaker 00 So and so has issued a come get me plea to Juventus.
13:51 Speaker 04 Yes.
13:52 Speaker 00 P L E A.
13:53 Speaker 01 But we don't do that. We let Juventus come to us.
13:55 Speaker 04 No, we really do need to do that.
13:56 Speaker 00 They never have.
13:59 Speaker 04 So, yeah, a couple more talks and you guys will be fleet footed by that point. It would be, it would be great. It was very inspirational, I thought.
14:05 Speaker 00 I want to see the event where John eventually puts a lanyard on.
14:08 Speaker 04 Yeah.
14:09 Speaker 00 Because everyone backs down eventually.
14:10 Speaker 01 Queen Fan Club Convention, guest speaker.
14:13 Speaker 00 Lanyard.
14:14 Speaker 01 Would wear that. Well, I actually wore my backstage pass for, uh, when I did, warmed up for Queen.
14:21 Speaker 00 The dream.
14:22 Speaker 01 Backstage passes are different.
14:24 Speaker 00 Well, I always stick it on the jeans.
14:27 Speaker 01 I've got one around my neck, Queen and Adam Amber.
14:28 Speaker 00 Stick it on your big thigh. That's what I always do with the old AAA.
14:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
14:32 Speaker 00 The dream is that you do a Queen Fan Club Convention, but you're such a famous Queen fan, you don't have to wear a lanyard.
14:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, I just also don't.
14:41 Speaker 00 People basically see you as the fifth member of the band.
14:43 Speaker 01 I'm also anti-wristband.
14:46 Speaker 04 Yeah, you are. You never wear my, whenever he does my club, now he won't put it on the wristband.
14:49 Speaker 01 But I don't, and it's, this isn't your club, now. I just don't like elitism.
14:55 Speaker 00 Not that.
14:56 Speaker 04 It's not that. I don't think it is that, though, is it?
14:59 Speaker 01 It was once Green Man Festival, the last Green Man I went to, when they made the big hall at the centre of the site, gold wristband only. And I thought that was such a kick in the chops for everyone who'd come all that way.
15:12 Speaker 00 What was in there, then?
15:13 Speaker 01 It was like the after party.
15:15 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
15:16 Speaker 01 So all the.
15:16 Speaker 00 What, for bands?
15:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, for bands and crew and VIPs.
15:19 Speaker 00 But all festivals are bad.
15:20 Speaker 01 No, but this was like the main building. This wasn't like a little side bit where bands could just relax on their own. It was basically like, you know, the only indoor space from now on is just for the sort of special people.
15:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:34 Speaker 01 And I just thought that was a horrible message to send to everyone. You couldn't get, can I get a gold wristband? Son of a.
15:41 Speaker 00 Did you go into the area?
15:42 Speaker 01 No.
15:43 Speaker 00 Did you not?
15:43 Speaker 01 No, drank two litres of Strongbow on my own.
15:47 Speaker 00 He wins again.
15:49 Speaker 01 And there's no wristbands for that.
15:51 Speaker 00 There's not.
16:02 Speaker 02 Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalised AI for the way we work. That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about. Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle/workspacewithGemini. That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.
16:38 Speaker 01 Now then, everyone. Elis James, a random caller from Wales. 60 seconds on the clock. A connection at stake. Can he make it or will he break it? Let's find out in the Cymru connection.
16:55 Speaker 05 It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection. But his questions have one direction. Where did you go to school? Do you know David Evans? No, come on mates, you must do. No, we've never met at all.
17:25 Speaker 01 After some recent success, there's no denying that Ellis has played on a muddy pitch or two.
17:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:32 Speaker 01 Is it a case of taking his foot off the gas towards the end of the season?
17:37 Speaker 00 I'm on the beach.
17:38 Speaker 01 Is he on the beach is the next line.
17:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:41 Speaker 01 Has he lost the drive that once led him to claim he could make a connection to every person in Wales? The problem is, Dave, the problem is Ellis. You have, am and are and may always be mid-table.
17:58 Speaker 00 I mean, the Swans are so mid-table.
18:02 Speaker 01 You've won 47.73% of your matches.
18:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:06 Speaker 01 You're safe.
18:07 Speaker 00 Safe, absolutely.
18:08 Speaker 01 But you kissed goodbye to Europe three months ago.
18:10 Speaker 00 God, I'd love, I'd love a good tilt at the playoffs next season.
18:13 Speaker 04 I was at a do last night and it got on to the Cymru connection and we talked about you and your performance.
18:19 Speaker 00 Oh.
18:20 Speaker 04 No, and we all agreed that actually 48% is, is really impressive. Because everyone else went around the table and were like, I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. And we all agreed you were really special.
18:32 Speaker 00 And they all talked about how handsome, how handsome you are, you great calves.
18:36 Speaker 01 His failure to connect with Callum Holly last week took his connection rate down to 47.73%, which it feels like it's been at for a good year and a half. The elusive 50 seems to be disappearing in his rear view mirror, but maybe he can turn things around. Maybe it all starts today. Maybe we shouldn't write him off completely. We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello caller, what's your name?
19:00 Speaker 06 Hello, Faith.
19:01 Speaker 01 Faith. Ellis, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection with Faith. Your time starts now.
19:07 Speaker 00 Age of school?
19:08 Speaker 06 Ball St Kevarta High School, Merthyr Tydfil.
19:10 Speaker 00 Merthyr Tydfil? Okay, do you know Johnny Owen?
19:14 Speaker 06 Yes. Yeah!
19:16 Speaker 04 He's back.
19:19 Speaker 01 That was nuts.
19:20 Speaker 04 That's great.
19:21 Speaker 01 I hadn't even, I hadn't even slipped into my vibe mode.
19:24 Speaker 00 I know. He is quite simply the king of Merthyr.
19:29 Speaker 01 Really?
19:30 Speaker 00 And, sorry, was it, is it Faith?
19:33 Speaker 06 Faith, yes.
19:34 Speaker 00 If you didn't know Johnny, I would have been absolutely staggered.
19:39 Speaker 06 Well, we're actually related.
19:40 Speaker 00 Oh, this is fantastic. So obviously you know Katie as well?
19:44 Speaker 06 Yes, I know Katie.
19:45 Speaker 00 Fantastic. I'm amazed, actually, that Jon, I don't think Johnny's been a link on the comedy connection yet.
19:51 Speaker 01 Yeah, he has.
19:52 Speaker 00 Has he?
19:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:53 Speaker 00 Because he is the king of Merthyr.
19:56 Speaker 01 Faith, how do you, how are you related to Johnny?
20:00 Speaker 06 So, um, his father and my mother are cousins. We're also from the same village. Yeah, grown up with Johnny. He's, you know, obviously he's older than me, but yeah.
20:11 Speaker 01 And Ellis, how do you know Johnny?
20:13 Speaker 00 I know Johnny. I've now known him for quite a few years. When we start texting, we then text for a long time because we've got so much in common and we agree on lots of things and it's great.
20:21 Speaker 01 What does Johnny do?
20:22 Speaker 00 He's a film director. Uh, he's doing, he's presenting a programme on Sky at the moment with Vicky McClure, his wife.
20:31 Speaker 01 Oh, of course.
20:32 Speaker 00 An extremely charismatic, handsome bloke.
20:35 Speaker 04 He is handsome, actually, yes.
20:36 Speaker 00 Who does make me wish I was more handsome when I'm with him, if I'm honest. But, um, no, he's, um, He's, he's a great, he did a, he did a fantastic film about, um, Bill Shankly, Matt Busby and Jock Stein called, I think, The Three Kings, which is superb. Um, so yeah, so yeah, and he make, he made a film about Wales at Euro 2016. He's a very talented guy.
21:00 Speaker 01 Are there any other connections that you know of, Faith?
21:03 Speaker 06 Well, they are, but they're a bit more obscure.
21:05 Speaker 00 Okay.
21:05 Speaker 06 So I went to uni in Liverpool and then Salford. And there's a comedian, I think we both know, who I, is my best friend, I lived with for years, Kiri.
21:15 Speaker 00 Oh, of course. Yes, I know, Kiri. If you're 40, do you know what guy who works in, he does sound in telly and he's got long blonde hair and he's got very big juicy forearms. He's from Mers.
21:27 Speaker 06 No, I don't. But the juicy forearms seem wonderful.
21:31 Speaker 00 Yeah. Yeah. He used to go to, what's the nightclub? Because it's coolers in Mers.
21:34 Speaker 06 Oh my gosh, Cooler's still going.
21:36 Speaker 00 Is it? Oh, God.
21:38 Speaker 04 Good gameplay from you as well, Faith. It was firm, it was assertive. You gave Ellis very quickly the answers that he needed.
21:44 Speaker 06 Well, my, my son had started recently listening. All my children listen, but my eldest son said to me this week, he just went, you need, you need to email in, you need this.
21:56 Speaker 00 He needs this. Do you know the Englands from Arbe Van?
21:59 Speaker 06 Yes, I do know the Englands, yeah.
22:01 Speaker 00 God, this is sensational. Although there are actually, there's more than one family of Englands and they're not related bizarrely, who are from that neck of the woods.
22:10 Speaker 06 Yeah, one of the Englands is from my village as well in Hilgarick.
22:12 Speaker 00 Yes, I, I, um, yeah, I get one of your Englands' spare Swansea tickets.
22:21 Speaker 00 And when he can't go to the game. This is good and I feel positive.
22:26 Speaker 01 Hmm. Yeah. It's nice. I mean, everywhere you turn, you're striking gold.
22:31 Speaker 00 I know.
22:31 Speaker 01 From Owens to Kiri to the Englands.
22:35 Speaker 00 Yes.
22:35 Speaker 01 And not just any Englands, the right Englands. Any others, Faith?
22:40 Speaker 06 No, I don't think so.
22:42 Speaker 04 What do you do for a living, Faith?
22:43 Speaker 00 Sorry, I interrupted you then. What do you do for a living?
22:46 Speaker 06 I am a director of SEND and inclusion in a school in Bristol, well, multiple schools in Bristol.
22:52 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
22:53 Speaker 01 Oh, which schools in Bristol?
22:55 Speaker 06 Um, they're Catholic schools, Newman Catholic Trust.
22:57 Speaker 01 Oh.
22:58 Speaker 06 So a couple in Nelsie, a couple in the city centre.
23:01 Speaker 00 Well, that's a, that's a, well, that sounds like a great job. I would imagine, but I imagine, you know, it's a lot of work and quite stressful, but a very, very fulfilling role.
23:09 Speaker 06 Yeah, I love it. I love it.
23:11 Speaker 00 Oh, that's good.
23:12 Speaker 01 Well, thank you very much, Faith, for being our Cymru connection this week and bringing a little bit of success back into the dressing room.
23:19 Speaker 00 You've put a real spring in my step, Faith. Thank you very much.
23:21 Speaker 06 Oh, I'm glad. I'll tell him, because it was, it's down to him. So, yeah, because I was like, no, I'm not going to do it. And he was like, he needs this.
23:30 Speaker 00 Good stuff.
23:31 Speaker 01 Great stuff.
23:32 Speaker 00 Okay, then see you, speak to you later. Ta-da.
23:33 Speaker 01 Bye-bye.
23:34 Speaker 06 You, bye-bye.
23:35 Speaker 01 Very good. That was fantastic. I mean, that was from kickoff.
23:39 Speaker 00 Yeah.
23:39 Speaker 04 Yeah.
23:40 Speaker 01 That was a back pass intercepted, goal, not even a minute on the clock.
23:44 Speaker 00 It doesn't happen very often.
23:46 Speaker 04 No.
23:46 Speaker 00 It does feel good, though.
23:48 Speaker 04 Is Johnny a nice guy?
23:49 Speaker 00 He's an absolutely lovely bloke.
23:51 Speaker 04 Because he runs a rival club night.
23:53 Speaker 00 Yes, he does. It's better than yours, Dave.
23:55 Speaker 04 He's in my crosshairs.
23:56 Speaker 00 What's in the mine? How dare you?
23:58 Speaker 04 It is decent.
23:59 Speaker 01 Who DJs for Johnny?
24:01 Speaker 00 Uh, Johnny does it. Vicky McClure does it. His daughter Katie's an excellent DJ.
24:05 Speaker 01 I have a crush on Vicky McClure. So if, Dave, if you take Johnny down.
24:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:10 Speaker 01 And.
24:10 Speaker 00 Over a club night?
24:11 Speaker 01 Stops being so handsome and charismatic.
24:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:14 Speaker 01 Then maybe I can go for a date with Vicky.
24:16 Speaker 00 Tell you knows Johnny, tell you knows Johnny and Vicky, Codi.
24:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know.
24:20 Speaker 00 Um, I, oh, you know, I scored at the Taskmaster game. Footage has emerged of the goal.
24:25 Speaker 04 Is there?
24:26 Speaker 00 Oh, no, I just got DM'd it, but I just watched it probably 150 times.
24:30 Speaker 04 I'd like to see it, please. Because I've not seen this. I want to see the goal.
24:34 Speaker 00 There's already footage on the, of the penalty.
24:38 Speaker 04 I've seen the penalty because that was in our, um, Cinematic universe.
24:41 Speaker 01 Yes, it is.
24:43 Speaker 04 Let's have a look now. Have you seen the goal yet?
24:45 Speaker 01 I haven't seen, well, I saw it from the other end of the pitch.
24:51 Speaker 01 Oh, it's very quick in.
24:52 Speaker 00 It's very quick in. It needs to be five seconds longer off the top.
24:56 Speaker 04 He's just about to take his top off.
24:57 Speaker 00 And then off comes the top.
24:58 Speaker 01 Did you get a yellow card for that?
25:00 Speaker 00 Uh, yes, but there were three balls on the pitch, so it was absolutely, it was chaos at the time.
25:05 Speaker 04 You drill it in.
25:07 Speaker 00 I do drill it in.
25:07 Speaker 04 And then he peels away.
25:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:09 Speaker 04 Oh, and then he turns and then he's going around behind the back of the goal. He's spinning his shirt like a windmill. Of course he is.
25:15 Speaker 00 And then, and then Maisie threw a cricket ball at me and I missed it, but I'm gonna crop for the socials. I look like I've never seen a cricket bat in my life. I do hit, I do hit it the second time, I think. I just didn't expect to have to then play cricket. It's been like a triathlon when you beat something and suddenly you're.
25:29 Speaker 04 You only just hit it at the second attempt.
25:31 Speaker 00 Yes, I did. Yeah, but I'm, you know, I was more of a bowler than a batter.
25:35 Speaker 04 Well done. Well done.
25:37 Speaker 01 Well done, Ellis.
25:39 Speaker 04 Great board.
25:40 Speaker 01 And let's have an anecdote, Dave, please. One anecdote, please.
25:46 Speaker 04 Hannah's banned me from doing DIY.
25:49 Speaker 01 Why?
25:49 Speaker 04 I'm done now. I'm done. In fact, is this an ick?
25:52 Speaker 00 Don't know why.
25:54 Speaker 04 Is this?
25:54 Speaker 01 I don't think it's an ick.
25:57 Speaker 04 Could I keep super gluing things to walls?
25:59 Speaker 01 That's bad, that's bad DIY. And okay, so here's the difference. Super gluing things to walls.
26:05 Speaker 04 She said, put the super glue down there.
26:07 Speaker 01 Ineffective, just bad planning. It doesn't work. But the ick might be if you had a pencil behind your ear.
26:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
26:14 Speaker 01 And you used it to like put in your ear to itch your ear.
26:18 Speaker 00 To get waxed out.
26:18 Speaker 01 To get waxed out and then put it in your mouth. That would be an ick.
26:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, and then try to sell it on eBay.
26:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:24 Speaker 00 Um, but because Hannah's a DT teacher.
26:28 Speaker 04 Yeah.
26:28 Speaker 00 She must be good at that stuff.
26:30 Speaker 04 Yeah, she is, but I sometimes don't tell her I'm about to go and do something.
26:34 Speaker 01 About to glue something to the wall.
26:35 Speaker 04 I'm about to glue something, so I tell her afterwards.
26:37 Speaker 00 You just take action.
26:38 Speaker 04 Well, so we've got a toilet roll holder and a towel holder that have been, is it diamante, like the fake diamonds?
26:44 Speaker 01 You've got what?
26:46 Speaker 00 You've glued a toilet roll holder to a wall.
26:48 Speaker 04 No, it's from the previous owners.
26:51 Speaker 01 Are you on like Geordie short?
26:53 Speaker 04 This is from the previous owners. Listen to me.
26:55 Speaker 01 They had a fake diamond toilet roll holder.
26:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's bad. But we've just, it's got this fact.
27:01 Speaker 00 Did you buy your house off gangsters?
27:04 Speaker 04 They had some questionable, they had some questionable aesthetics. They had carpet in the kitchen.
27:09 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
27:10 Speaker 04 The kitchen was fully carpeted.
27:12 Speaker 01 That must have been horrible.
27:14 Speaker 04 Disgusting. Oh, absolutely horrible. You know, like if you remove a carpet, it kind of releases a bit of the smell sometimes. The smell it released in the house as we removed it was madness.
27:22 Speaker 01 So what was underneath the carpet?
27:25 Speaker 04 I can't remember now. We've redone it. But so the diemancy toilet roll holder, I finally thought this is, this has to go.
27:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:33 Speaker 04 So it's got a nice matte black collection.
27:36 Speaker 01 Keep it simple.
27:36 Speaker 04 Keep it simple, but because they've drilled so far into the wall, you're then trying to get a holder, two holders that are the same, have the same fitting.
27:44 Speaker 01 Okay, yeah.
27:44 Speaker 04 Because they drilled into tile.
27:47 Speaker 01 Right.
27:47 Speaker 04 So they've done a good job with that, almost too good.
27:49 Speaker 01 So it's got two roll plugs in there.
27:51 Speaker 04 Two roll plugs. You need to almost like put a plate on that then the holders go over and then a little kind of hex screw goes in the bottom.
27:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:58 Speaker 04 And I didn't quite get the right, I thought, because for some reason, this is a detail that just does not exist on toilet roll holders and towel holders, how far the gap is of the, the roll plugs need to be. It doesn't exist.
28:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:10 Speaker 04 So I just got the closest one and it wasn't quite bang on. So I managed to get the bottom screw in. But obviously you need both of them to go in, but I was struggling to get the top one in. So as I just put it against the wall, I just got a load of super glue and just put it on the wall behind and then super glued it. I thought, I'll give that five minutes.
28:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:28 Speaker 04 Went away, came back and it's just slipping left and right because it's not the right glue.
28:31 Speaker 01 It's not the right.
28:31 Speaker 04 So I told Hannah and she says, I, you can't, I am not letting you do any more of this because you keep super glue in everything.
28:39 Speaker 04 Because it's not the first time.
28:43 Speaker 04 I just always think, of course this will work. It's super and it's glue, of course.
28:47 Speaker 01 Super glue has never quite lived up to the promise. Even that Gorilla Glue.
28:52 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:53 Speaker 01 It's never gonna work like that.
28:55 Speaker 04 Agreed.
28:55 Speaker 01 You would think that they would have come up with a substance which like you could build a house with.
29:01 Speaker 04 There probably is a really industrial one.
29:03 Speaker 01 It always disappoints. Unless you're working on a sort of delicate bit of china. That's what it's for.
29:10 Speaker 04 Or unless it's on your fingers, in which case it would be on your fingers for the rest of your life. Yeah. Anyway, I got it in in the end. I got the other roll plug in by just jamming it in.
29:18 Speaker 01 Talking about DIY.
29:19 Speaker 04 Yes, Alice. Yes, Alice.
29:23 Speaker 00 This. So now two lovely, oh, do you want to see them? You got photos of your toilet roll holder.
29:28 Speaker 04 Yeah, because I said, it's a hand. And I said, look how good I am at DIY. You got to unban me.
29:35 Speaker 04 So, no, that's good. It's a nice little matte black toilet roll holder. $49,900. There's no expense spared, but it does the job.
29:44 Speaker 01 It does look nice, actually. I'll give you that.
29:46 Speaker 04 It's all right, isn't it? It's all right.
29:47 Speaker 01 Yeah. I don't have a toilet roll holder.
29:50 Speaker 04 Do you not? Yeah, well, we haven't had one for a while, to be fair.
29:53 Speaker 00 Well, you wipe your bum with your own hand, don't you?
29:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just carry my toilet roll around with me in my back pocket, so it's always there.
30:00 Speaker 04 Okay.
30:01 Speaker 01 Shall we play a made up game, please?
30:02 Speaker 04 We should, as it goes.
30:10 Speaker 02 Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of The Best One Yet. Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets, and our shared Google Doc, the Headline Hammer. With Google Workspace with Gemini, Google's AI is built right into the premium versions of tools we already use, like Gmail, Docs, and Sheets. No new tools or extra logins, just personalized AI for the way we work.
30:28 Speaker 07 That means less time on the work around the work and more time finding the stories worth talking about.
30:33 Speaker 02 Get AI tools for work. Upgrade to Google Workspace with Gemini at goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.
30:39 Speaker 07 That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.
30:45 Speaker 01 Okay, you ready for a made up game?
30:47 Speaker 04 Yes. As you've probably seen, got a couple of eye masks.
30:52 Speaker 01 It's a blindfold game.
30:53 Speaker 04 It's a blindfold game, which we've not done for a while.
30:55 Speaker 00 I actually need an eye mask because I've lost mine.
30:58 Speaker 04 I'm not taking these.
30:59 Speaker 01 I just had a new one delivered today.
31:01 Speaker 00 Did you? I don't know how I keep losing mine.
31:03 Speaker 04 So, the made up game jingle is from Etienne, the same one as last week. Let's hear it again. Made up game. We made up with our friends and sent in for the boys to play.
31:19 Speaker 01 It's just happy to see you.
31:21 Speaker 04 New balls and ready. It's like radio. Did whoever bought this feature get a raise? Please don't send any hate. It's all you have.
32:05 Speaker 00 I find people who can parody various musical styles so impressive.
32:11 Speaker 01 Have you listened to Robin and Jack's podcast, Your Own Personal Beatles, which you've been on when they do the covers episodes?
32:19 Speaker 00 Yes, yes.
32:19 Speaker 01 They're superb. They get Johnny White on and they each cover a different Beatles song.
32:24 Speaker 00 My friend, the lovely Rodri, Rodri Viney, is very good at parodying musical styles. I used to get him to do it when I was writing comedy programmes for Radio Wills. He's just, it's so quick.
32:34 Speaker 01 Hmm.
32:35 Speaker 00 But it's just a, it's a skill I really admire. That was great. I would listen to that in the bath.
32:40 Speaker 01 Okay.
32:41 Speaker 00 And I can and I will.
32:43 Speaker 04 Oh, I want a bath now.
32:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, I want a bath and a curry.
32:46 Speaker 04 Oh, goodness me.
32:47 Speaker 00 Is curry in the bath grim?
32:49 Speaker 04 Yeah.
32:49 Speaker 00 Yes.
32:50 Speaker 04 Yeah, I went for a solo curry last night.
32:52 Speaker 01 Great. Where'd you go?
32:53 Speaker 04 It wasn't great. It was just one there.
32:55 Speaker 01 Why didn't you ask?
32:56 Speaker 04 Because I was just.
32:57 Speaker 01 One of the best curries in London is five minutes' walk from this very studio.
33:00 Speaker 04 It's at Euston.
33:02 Speaker 01 Well, okay. Yeah, you could, it was two tube stop.
33:05 Speaker 04 I didn't want to. It's lovely. I had a great time. Scores on the doors. Exciting. After another uncontroversial game where the production team made no mistakes whatsoever last week. John was victorious in herring on the side of caution. The scores now stand at a 10, 40, 30 in the first game of the third set. So Ellis, you're still up.
33:26 Speaker 00 Hmm.
33:27 Speaker 04 You're still winning 40, 30. This was the billion million gate, wasn't it?
33:31 Speaker 01 So funny when someone at the podcast show said something about a company there and they said, well, they turn over 800 million. And I thought, well, by Ellis's calculations, they're the biggest company in the world.
33:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, I knew, I'd actually read the figure and I'd misread the figure the day before. So I was just out by six zeros or something. Yeah, that's all right.
33:55 Speaker 04 Uh, this week's game comes in from Hannah. Hello, crispy chappies. A made up game for you. I was at a charity quiz night and this was my favourite round by far. Your challenge is to identify the flavour of crisps.
34:09 Speaker 01 Oh God, yes.
34:11 Speaker 04 You will be blindfolded.
34:12 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
34:13 Speaker 04 You'll be blindfolded and the crisps will be debagged and presented to you on a plate.
34:18 Speaker 01 Are these crisps that French company who make insane crisp flavours?
34:23 Speaker 04 The brand is part of the game, so I can't confirm or deny.
34:27 Speaker 00 Are they orthodox crisps?
34:28 Speaker 01 Because you can get nuts flavours in France.
34:32 Speaker 04 Are they orthodox?
34:34 Speaker 00 Are they, are they going to be crisp brands we've heard of?
34:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
34:38 Speaker 01 So will we have eaten all of these crisps before or is that a secret?
34:43 Speaker 04 I got, what, the brand or the flavour?
34:45 Speaker 01 The flavour.
34:45 Speaker 04 Oh, I don't know.
34:46 Speaker 01 No, they are quite, they're decent.
34:47 Speaker 00 I got given some posh crisps for Christmas.
34:50 Speaker 04 Yeah.
34:51 Speaker 00 And, uh, I think they were oyster flavoured.
34:54 Speaker 01 Ooh.
34:55 Speaker 00 They were absolutely fantastic, really.
34:57 Speaker 01 Tell you what can do one.
34:58 Speaker 00 What?
34:58 Speaker 01 Truffle.
34:59 Speaker 00 Really?
35:00 Speaker 01 Truffle crisps can do one.
35:01 Speaker 00 Actually, I think that they might have been truffle. They were made by-
35:04 Speaker 01 Truffle cheese can do one.
35:07 Speaker 04 Yeah.
35:07 Speaker 01 Truffle oil can do one.
35:10 Speaker 04 Edgy stuff from John this afternoon.
35:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is. Truffle, brackets, general.
35:14 Speaker 04 Yeah.
35:15 Speaker 01 Get it done because you're doing one.
35:18 Speaker 00 He's completely unafraid to take on big truffle.
35:23 Speaker 01 I have had it up to here with truffle.
35:26 Speaker 00 He's so brave.
35:29 Speaker 04 I always, I always want to do that as a phrase, had it up to here, but then I always feel a bit awkward doing that with my hands. Do you know what I mean?
35:35 Speaker 01 What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:36 Speaker 04 Like, it's this phrase that's quite nice to say, but then I think, oh, I'm halfway through the census and I've now got to do the- I've now got to do the thing where the hand has to come up.
35:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:46 Speaker 04 And it's a bit like, you know, just like that. And I think, oh, I'm in the census now.
35:49 Speaker 00 I'm always doing that, just like that.
35:52 Speaker 04 You've then got to finish the bit.
35:54 Speaker 00 When I was about, I would say in year five, our teacher, Mrs. John, said, I've had it up to here. And Philip, my friend, said, but there's still a little bit left. And she said, that's very funny, Philip. Thank you. And I remember thinking, if I'd said that, I'd have got told off. But Philip's more popular than me.
36:11 Speaker 01 I was Philip because I was the teacher's favourite.
36:14 Speaker 00 Yeah. So you could get away with that kind of joke.
36:16 Speaker 01 I remember once swearing in class.
36:18 Speaker 00 Primary school?
36:19 Speaker 01 No, this was in secondary school and the teacher, like, just raised an eyebrow. And then a boy next to me yawned and he got sent out of the room.
36:31 Speaker 04 Back to the game. Right, right, right, right, right. There's one point for the flavour and a bonus point for the brand.
36:38 Speaker 01 Okay.
36:39 Speaker 00 Oh, right.
36:40 Speaker 01 The difficult area here.
36:43 Speaker 04 Yeah.
36:44 Speaker 01 Is gonna be any sort of spicy meat.
36:47 Speaker 00 The difficult area here is that I'm allergic to crisps.
36:50 Speaker 01 Because it's just paprika and sugar.
36:53 Speaker 04 You always say that.
36:54 Speaker 01 I do.
36:54 Speaker 04 He actually does. He's always saying it. Because I told you my favourite flavour is like a sizzling chicken one. You know, it's just paprika and sugar, Dave.
37:02 Speaker 01 Now, Dave, we don't want the switchboards to light up with us eating into the microphone.
37:07 Speaker 04 Agreed.
37:08 Speaker 01 So we're gonna mute. I think we should mute the mics when we crunch.
37:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, we can do that.
37:14 Speaker 01 Like if you're trumping on a FaceTime call.
37:16 Speaker 00 There was an episode of The Rest is Politics where Rory Stewart was drinking coffee. And I was listening to it on headphones and they were big gulps. And I'd never noticed it before.
37:29 Speaker 01 He's got a wide palate.
37:31 Speaker 00 How do you know that?
37:32 Speaker 01 Because I watch the, I watch on YouTube.
37:34 Speaker 00 Oh, right, okay.
37:35 Speaker 04 Uh, five rounds, most points at the end of the game wins happy munching from Hannah, a fellow runner.
37:41 Speaker 01 I can't wait for this game. Yeah.
37:45 Speaker 04 Now.
37:45 Speaker 01 Because I have to eat them, so it's not cheating or being naughty.
37:48 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's for content.
37:49 Speaker 00 Have you got any pickle ginger to cleanse our palate between runs?
37:52 Speaker 01 We go louder.
37:53 Speaker 04 You got water. Now, the production values have gone up a notch as well, because we've taken Hannah's idea and roped it.
38:01 Speaker 00 So there's gonna be a laser, is there?
38:03 Speaker 04 Roped in a certain someone who lives in a bell tower and has a name that closely resembles the thing you'll be eating. So the game we're about to play is called Crisping with Crispin.
38:14 Speaker 00 What, he's gonna feed us crisps?
38:15 Speaker 04 No, we've just got some recordings of him. He's gonna, he's gonna take us through the game.
38:19 Speaker 00 Oh, that's nice.
38:20 Speaker 04 Uh, so he recorded these this morning at 7am, bless him. Uh, so before we start, let's hear from the man himself.
38:26 Speaker 03 Hello, this is Crispin live from the bell tower and welcome to Crisping with Crispin. Dave's been through the rules, so let's get straight into round one.
38:36 Speaker 00 He's got a good voice.
38:37 Speaker 04 He's got a brilliant daytime telly voice.
38:39 Speaker 00 He has, actually.
38:40 Speaker 04 I can imagine him on, sort of, holding it to the hammer.
38:42 Speaker 01 It wouldn't mean him taking a thousand percent pay cut.
38:46 Speaker 04 Thank you, Crispin. Uh, round one. Okay, so what we're gonna do here is we'll bring the crisps over for the listener, because we think it's good for the listener to be in on this as you two are trying to guess. So Crispin will be chipping in that you two won't hear and be explaining to the listener, almost like-
39:03 Speaker 01 So we'll drop that in in post.
39:04 Speaker 04 We'll drop it. It's almost like, you know, like during the weakest link when they're scrolling on the board and you've got the voiceover that then pops up to narrate what's, what's going on.
39:10 Speaker 01 I don't know, I don't know that, Dave.
39:12 Speaker 04 It's not actually that, it's not like that, really, anyway. It is a bit like that, isn't it? Thank you, Michael, I should back myself. It's just like that. Uh, round one, okay, here we go. Yes, blindfolds, of course, get your, get your BF's on. And you could just leave them on for the whole game.
39:29 Speaker 00 Okay.
39:30 Speaker 04 Or if you are gonna take them off, let me know so there's no crisps on show.
39:34 Speaker 01 Do I look cool, Dave?
39:35 Speaker 04 Uh, you do, actually. Yeah, you're like a big ant.
39:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, like a sort of skateboarding space ant from the future.
39:43 Speaker 04 And John's put his cap on back to front for this game.
39:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:46 Speaker 04 Uh, Ellis, looks like, are you peeking under that, Ellis? Okay, Michael is bringing the crisps over on, uh, individual plates.
39:54 Speaker 00 Hmm.
39:56 Speaker 04 Right, I've got two paper plates here in front of me. I'll pass them into the front of you. So you've got a plate in front of you now. Keep your blindfolds on, try not to glance down under the blindfold, I know you wouldn't do that, and, uh, have a little munch as Crispin informs the listeners as to what you're eating.
40:13 Speaker 03 For those of you listening at home, Ellis and John are eating hot honey flavoured crisps from Walkers from their Flavours of the World range. But which of them will feel like they're filled with hot honey when they give their answers?
40:27 Speaker 04 Quite a tricky one to start, I think.
40:33 Speaker 04 Don't need you glancing down, Alice.
40:35 Speaker 00 Well, I wouldn't be able to recognise it from the crisp.
40:38 Speaker 04 No, but you could recognise the brand, maybe.
40:40 Speaker 00 Eyes it out.
40:41 Speaker 04 Huh?
40:42 Speaker 01 No glancing down for anything. Close your eyes.
40:44 Speaker 00 I'm not glancing down. Jesus Christ.
40:50 Speaker 04 Now, in theory, you should write them down so that you're not copying each other, but are we, can we just be honest and go with whatever you conclude in your own head?
40:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I'm caught between two stools here.
41:01 Speaker 00 I'm extremely confused by this crisp.
41:04 Speaker 04 Okay.
41:05 Speaker 00 Can I tell you my workings?
41:07 Speaker 04 All right, Alice, tell me your workings and tell me your answer.
41:11 Speaker 00 The first five didn't taste of anything.
41:15 Speaker 04 Really?
41:16 Speaker 00 Literally of nothing. I thought, I'm gonna have to say ready salted.
41:20 Speaker 04 Yeah.
41:21 Speaker 00 But now I've let them kind of sit in my mouth for a few minutes, there's a sort of very mild heat.
41:28 Speaker 04 Okay.
41:28 Speaker 00 So I'm gonna say like barbecue Pringles.
41:33 Speaker 04 Interesting.
41:35 Speaker 00 But the first five tasted of nothing. It was in, I thought, this is mad. What a bizarre choice.
41:40 Speaker 04 So we've got your, so your flavour is barbecue, the brand is Pringles.
41:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:45 Speaker 04 John?
41:46 Speaker 01 Well, he's wrong.
41:47 Speaker 04 Yeah.
41:48 Speaker 00 Well, please, I'd love to know.
41:50 Speaker 04 No, no, flavour wise, I think it could be any guess. It could be anyone's guess, but I'm.
41:54 Speaker 01 There's a very distinctive brand. It's Walker's Sensations. And if I hadn't had a very strange flavour of crisp this week, I would have been confident in what this is. I'm gonna say it's Walker's Sensations Thai Sweet Chili, but I want to caveat that by saying I have a strong suspicion it might be chocolate and chili.
42:16 Speaker 04 Interesting. I just need to, I need Michael to get back because there is, he's, so he's, we've got.
42:22 Speaker 01 You can't have made an error. You cannot have made an error.
42:26 Speaker 04 I'm looking at Walkers, but I'm not seeing the-
42:28 Speaker 00 It's just straight from bag to plate, isn't it?
42:31 Speaker 04 What do you mean?
42:32 Speaker 00 In that you can't mess this up.
42:33 Speaker 04 But the description I've got here is just Walkers, so I need to just clarify.
42:36 Speaker 01 It's Walkers Sensations.
42:38 Speaker 04 I need to clarify whether it's a s- oh, it's huge! It's not a sensation, so-
42:44 Speaker 01 Yes, it is, Dave.
42:45 Speaker 04 It's not, I'm looking at the bag. Bring the bag in here, Gareth.
42:48 Speaker 01 Michael has made a mistake, again.
42:51 Speaker 04 Look, you can take your blindfold- oh, no, I need to give you the-
42:53 Speaker 00 I won't, I'm not gonna-
42:53 Speaker 04 It's hot honey.
42:55 Speaker 01 Okay.
42:56 Speaker 00 Right, never heard of that.
42:57 Speaker 04 Take your blindfolds off for a second.
42:58 Speaker 00 Are you sure?
42:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
42:59 Speaker 01 But aren't I gonna see all the other crisps?
43:01 Speaker 04 Just have a quick look at the bag, that's all I want you to have a look at. Just so you're aware that it's not Sensations.
43:08 Speaker 01 Do I get a point for Walkers?
43:10 Speaker 04 No, I think, because you were very specific-
43:11 Speaker 01 That's the brand!
43:12 Speaker 00 You were very specific about them being Sensations.
43:14 Speaker 04 Very specific about Sensations, it's a different type of crisp, John.
43:17 Speaker 00 You were so specific.
43:19 Speaker 04 Gotta, gotta be firm. Round two. It's nil-nil. Okay, crisp two. Uh, oh, we should reveal from Crispin, shouldn't we? Crispin, what was, uh, round one's crisp?
43:32 Speaker 03 The correct answer is hot honey flavoured crisps, and the brand is Walkers, from their Flavours of the World range.
43:40 Speaker 04 He can do voiceover work.
43:41 Speaker 01 Oh, easy.
43:42 Speaker 04 He's good.
43:43 Speaker 01 Right, we're doing the next one.
43:44 Speaker 04 We're in, go!
43:45 Speaker 03 For those of you playing along at home, Ellis and John are currently tucking in to some prawn cocktail flavoured Pringles. They've popped, but can they stop themselves from the wrong answer?
43:56 Speaker 00 Got, got my crisps.
43:59 Speaker 04 He's got his crisps. All right, let's let you both, uh, get them out of your mouth. John, we'll come to you first.
44:06 Speaker 01 Prawn cocktail Pringles.
44:08 Speaker 04 Ellis?
44:08 Speaker 00 I had prawn cocktail Pringles.
44:10 Speaker 04 Crispin?
44:11 Speaker 03 The correct answer is prawn cocktail flavoured crisps, and the brand is, of course, Pringles.
44:17 Speaker 04 Great.
44:17 Speaker 00 Okay, that felt good.
44:19 Speaker 04 That felt good, it's one all.
44:23 Speaker 04 Two, two all, of course. Round three.
44:27 Speaker 01 Those Walkers are made using the Sensations creation process.
44:35 Speaker 04 I don't know, because I think a sensation is a bit thicker.
44:38 Speaker 01 They are thicker, Dave.
44:39 Speaker 04 Were they? To be fair, I've not eaten them. I've not eaten one. Round three of Crispin with Crispin. You have a new plate in front of you from Mystery Crisp. Feel free to snack away.
44:51 Speaker 01 Am I near my water?
44:52 Speaker 04 No, that's your water.
44:52 Speaker 00 Is that... Am I eating them?
44:54 Speaker 04 Yeah, you're eating them.
44:54 Speaker 00 I'm... Hold on.
44:56 Speaker 03 Ellis and John are currently tucking into some Cheese and Marmite Puffs. Who will love their correct answer and who will hate their incorrect answer? Let's find out.
45:06 Speaker 00 I'm ready.
45:10 Speaker 04 Okay, Ellis. You ready, John?
45:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think so.
45:14 Speaker 04 I think this is a tricky one.
45:17 Speaker 00 Cheesy what's its?
45:18 Speaker 04 John?
45:19 Speaker 01 I... I think they're what's its, but I don't think they're cheese. I think they might be beef what's its.
45:26 Speaker 04 Oh. Crispin, let's hear what the crisp is.
45:30 Speaker 03 The correct answer is Cheese and Marmite Puffs.
45:33 Speaker 01 Oh, come on.
45:34 Speaker 03 And the brand is Marmite.
45:36 Speaker 04 Cheese and Marmite.
45:37 Speaker 01 Marmite isn't a brand of crisps.
45:39 Speaker 04 That's the flavour. Oh, yeah, and it's the brand of crisps, which is tricky.
45:46 Speaker 04 But Marmite was the point that you could have got there.
45:49 Speaker 00 I mean...
45:50 Speaker 01 So we couldn't have got the brand?
45:51 Speaker 00 I hate, Dave, I hate to say this, but if you think that crisps taste like the thing they purport to taste like, you've literally lost your mind.
46:01 Speaker 04 What do you mean?
46:02 Speaker 00 Well, no one ever eats Smokey Bacon crisps and thinks, "God, it's like having a fry-up."
46:07 Speaker 01 What do you mean? But I think Marmite is quite a hard brand of crisps to get.
46:11 Speaker 00 I didn't get any Marmite from that.
46:13 Speaker 01 I got beef. I went beef.
46:16 Speaker 04 Oh, there's Marmite in there.
46:18 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, but you know that now.
46:19 Speaker 00 You know that, Dave. Once you're told there's Marmite.
46:21 Speaker 01 Is there the brand Marmite in there?
46:24 Speaker 04 No, that's hard. I'll give you that.
46:25 Speaker 01 Two all still.
46:26 Speaker 04 Two all. I'm worried about the next brand, Michael.
46:31 Speaker 01 Is it Tesco?
46:33 Speaker 00 Is it Armani?
46:35 Speaker 04 I might give you a clue.
46:36 Speaker 00 It's Gucci crisps.
46:38 Speaker 04 I might give you a clue.
46:40 Speaker 01 I mean, you would think it has to be a crisp brand.
46:43 Speaker 00 Hey, John! I've never seen Marmite crisps in shops.
46:46 Speaker 04 John, how tricky it is to find interesting enough crisp flavours for the game. We had to go with what we could get. Otherwise, it's just-
46:53 Speaker 01 Trick is, go to a corner shop.
46:55 Speaker 04 Well, yeah, we did. We scouted around.
46:59 Speaker 00 Uh, okay. Corner shops' abilities to fit enormous amounts of products into a tiny space is incredible, isn't it?
47:05 Speaker 04 Round four. Get eating.
47:10 Speaker 03 The next crisp up is the seasonal Pecorino and Summer Truffle flavoured crisp from Waitrose's number one range. But who'll be number one when Ellis and John give their answers?
47:20 Speaker 01 That is foul. That is absolutely foul.
47:26 Speaker 01 That is absolutely something I never want to experience again. Oh, goodness me.
47:35 Speaker 01 It's like I've got disruptive tenants living in my mouth and I can't get rid of them.
47:44 Speaker 01 I'm not, I don't know what it is, but I'm not going back in because that is putrid.
47:48 Speaker 04 Oh, interesting. You don't know what it is? Okay. All right, Ellis, we'll come to you first. Round four, what we get. Oh, I wonder whether for the brand?
47:56 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, no.
48:01 Speaker 01 It's Aston Martin.
48:04 Speaker 04 It's, okay. I mean, I was willing to give you a little, a little area, which I think is worthwhile for this one.
48:11 Speaker 01 All right, give us an area.
48:12 Speaker 04 Superma-, it is a supermarket.
48:14 Speaker 01 Oh, come on. That's not possible.
48:17 Speaker 04 To give us the most interesting crisp.
48:22 Speaker 04 Ellis, please.
48:24 Speaker 00 Tesco's own?
48:28 Speaker 00 Beef and chive.
48:33 Speaker 00 Because I could not make head nor tail of that.
48:35 Speaker 04 Interesting, John.
48:37 Speaker 01 I'll go Tesco Finest. And it's something like sour cream and chive.
48:45 Speaker 04 Okay, okay. Crispin, what are we, what are we working with here?
48:49 Speaker 03 The answer we were looking for is Pecorino and truffle flavoured crisps. A point if you said just truffle. The brand is Waitrose' own brand from their number one range.
49:01 Speaker 01 What did I say could do one earlier, Dave?
49:04 Speaker 04 Yeah.
49:05 Speaker 01 That can do one.
49:09 Speaker 04 But I'm surprised you didn't get it after telling it to do one.
49:11 Speaker 01 No, because it's not, it's, it's like a bad, that's just a bad flavour because it's so clearly they're just using whatever the powder is for cream cheese and going, oh, that'll pass.
49:20 Speaker 00 There's a coffee shop near the old BBC, near a broadcasting house. And they do a sort of, it's like a ham and cheese panini with truffle oil.
49:31 Speaker 04 Yeah.
49:32 Speaker 00 And so I know what truffle tastes like. That doesn't, is anything like truffle.
49:35 Speaker 04 Really? Let's have a go.
49:37 Speaker 01 If you smelt that in your house, you would tear the place apart looking for the, the source of that smell.
49:44 Speaker 04 Hey, it's round five, it's two all.
49:47 Speaker 01 Okay.
49:48 Speaker 04 All right, here we go. Crispin with Crispin.
49:53 Speaker 04 Give you one more. Round five. They're in front of you now. Crispin, what have we got?
50:00 Speaker 03 The final round sees Ellis and John tucking into some English ham and mustard flavoured crisps from Tyrrell's. All crisps involved are vegetarian, but who will feel like a right ham if they give an incorrect guess?
50:14 Speaker 00 What the F is that, Dave?
50:19 Speaker 01 Hmm.
50:21 Speaker 01 Okay, this is, I don't find this as unpleasant. I could eat a few of these.
50:24 Speaker 04 Could you?
50:25 Speaker 01 Yeah. I think I know what this is, actually.
50:28 Speaker 04 Here we go, here we go. He's got his eye in. Are you getting on out?
50:32 Speaker 00 God.
50:32 Speaker 04 God.
50:35 Speaker 04 Are you ready, Al?
50:36 Speaker 00 Uh, yeah.
50:37 Speaker 04 Okay, so John will come to you first. This is for the game, and this would make it juice.
50:42 Speaker 01 I think that's Salty Dog Ham and Mustard.
50:45 Speaker 04 Ellis.
50:47 Speaker 00 I was gonna go for Branigan's Ham and Mustard, but I don't think Branigan's exist. They were my favourite crisps at one point.
50:52 Speaker 04 They were my favourite crisps.
50:54 Speaker 01 They're also nothing like Branigan's. I'm so sorry to say.
50:59 Speaker 04 Interesting. Crisping, what are we working with?
51:03 Speaker 03 The correct answer is English Ham and Mustard flavour crisps. The brand is Tyrrell's.
51:09 Speaker 04 Tyrrell's Ham and Mustard, so you both get a point.
51:12 Speaker 00 Once I'd, once I'd had about five of them, they started to grow on me.
51:16 Speaker 01 So did you say Branigan's Ham and Mustard?
51:18 Speaker 00 Yeah, which was the last time I tasted Ham and Mustard. I've never had Ham and Mustard crisps that weren't Branigan's, I don't think.
51:24 Speaker 01 They're a very si- I shouldn't have gone Salty Dog, because I think you can only get that in pubs. I should have. I was thinking kettle chips.
51:32 Speaker 04 Well, Tyrrell's are similar to kettle chips.
51:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:35 Speaker 04 Uh, but I don't think kettle chips do that flavour. Anyway, it's a draw.
51:39 Speaker 00 And I'm at an enormous disadvantage anyway, because I lost all my taste buds in a most fire.
51:48 Speaker 00 So a lot of guess, a lot of guess.
51:50 Speaker 04 What, did it just burn your, what, was the fire just in your mouth?
51:55 Speaker 04 Amazing how the rest of your body seems all right.
51:57 Speaker 01 So I'm guessing this is now a guessing game, so we can take our blindfolds off.
52:00 Speaker 04 Take your BF's off, it's a guessing game. But Ellis is back in the guessing scene, of course.
52:05 Speaker 01 He is? No, he's not.
52:06 Speaker 00 No, I'm not.
52:07 Speaker 04 You were.
52:07 Speaker 01 He got it out, out by multiple of a hundred.
52:11 Speaker 04 But just before that, you did a very good guess, I think.
52:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, but it's something I actually know.
52:16 Speaker 04 Yeah.
52:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, how many people are at Swansea's around?
52:20 Speaker 04 So, we're at tiebreak, we're in tiebreak city.
52:22 Speaker 01 They need throwing into the centre of the earth.
52:26 Speaker 04 They are bad.
52:27 Speaker 01 Those truffle ones.
52:28 Speaker 04 They are bad. Tiebreak for the game. Ellis, for the game, actually, for the, for the game within the game. According to the econo.
52:37 Speaker 00 Hate.
52:39 Speaker 00 And just come up with a better idea.
52:42 Speaker 04 We've done tie breaks for 12 years and all of a sudden you've got a master.
52:44 Speaker 00 I've been humiliated for 12 of years.
52:46 Speaker 04 No, no, this is.
52:47 Speaker 00 I looked in the mirror and I thought, why am I letting myself? Why am I letting this happen to me? I'm self-employed. I make my own choices.
52:56 Speaker 04 We should go back to some of the earlier tie breaks from, you know, 11 years ago and just see what kind of performances you were putting in. I do wonder, I do wonder. Uh, according to The Economist, in 2024.
53:08 Speaker 00 10.
53:10 Speaker 04 Roughly. How many crisp packets were sold in the UK?
53:14 Speaker 01 Sorry, say that again. Okay, I get it. I get it. I get it.
53:18 Speaker 04 Crisp packets sold in the UK in 2024.
53:23 Speaker 00 It could be anything, couldn't it, Ellis?
53:29 Speaker 01 What have you got in your hands?
53:30 Speaker 00 A calculator. I'm trying to do some maths.
53:33 Speaker 04 That's a, that's a you technique, isn't it? He's thinking, he's learning.
53:37 Speaker 01 I'd use my mind.
53:39 Speaker 04 Yeah, a calculator in your mind.
53:43 Speaker 00 That can't, that can't be right.
53:47 Speaker 00 No, that can't be right.
53:50 Speaker 04 Come on, man. We've got to hurry.
53:52 Speaker 00 Shut your mouth.
53:54 Speaker 01 You're using a calculator. Come on. It's there for you.
53:58 Speaker 00 Actually, I can't work. I want.
54:00 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
54:00 Speaker 00 So many digits.
54:02 Speaker 04 So many digits.
54:08 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, I've got an answer.
54:12 Speaker 04 John, we'll come to you first.
54:13 Speaker 01 I'm going to go 16 billion.
54:15 Speaker 04 16 billion from John Ellis.
54:17 Speaker 00 9 billion.
54:18 Speaker 04 Nine what?
54:19 Speaker 00 9 billion. 9.048 billion.
54:21 Speaker 01 Okay, so he can't, he can't have embarrassed himself.
54:25 Speaker 04 9.048 billion.
54:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
54:28 Speaker 04 The answer. Is six billion. Ellis is back in the guessing game.
54:34 Speaker 01 He's done it.
54:36 Speaker 04 Cause that's huge. He's got it there. Save that. Let's get that on the camera.
54:40 Speaker 00 That's incredible.
54:42 Speaker 04 Shows your big calculator, Ellis.
54:44 Speaker 01 That's the equivalent of.
54:46 Speaker 04 Thank you.
54:47 Speaker 01 So I worked it out as on average, everyone in the country having one packet of crisps a day.
54:51 Speaker 00 Well, there's a bit of working here, so I can explain. I thought.
54:54 Speaker 01 And you've gone every other day.
54:55 Speaker 00 Some people don't like crisps. And obviously kids, some kids don't eat crisps and some very elderly people don't have access to crisps. And some healthy people don't eat crisps.
55:05 Speaker 01 But then I thought like.
55:06 Speaker 00 Population of the UK is 67 million, so I knocked off 10 million. I reckon people eat about three bags a week.
55:12 Speaker 01 Okay. Better working than mine, I think. He knows, he knows the man on the street a bit better than me.
55:17 Speaker 04 Yes, maybe so.
55:18 Speaker 01 But I just thought there's got to be some people eating two bags a day.
55:21 Speaker 00 Well, I thought some people have a bag a day with their lunch.
55:23 Speaker 01 And if you were, say, organising a party, you might buy a hundred bags of crisps.
55:28 Speaker 00 But I also, on a personal level, sometimes have fallow periods for crisps.
55:34 Speaker 01 Oh, I can't have them in the house.
55:35 Speaker 00 And because I don't go to pubs as often as I used to, my.
55:38 Speaker 01 That's another point, the pub crisps.
55:40 Speaker 00 I don't eat as many crisps as I used to.
55:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:43 Speaker 00 So when I was in pubs, in my twenties and thirties, when I was spending more time in pubs, I was eating twice as many crisps as I am now.
55:51 Speaker 04 So it's around 140 packs per person, if you're looking at it across the year.
55:55 Speaker 00 Per annum?
55:56 Speaker 04 Yeah.
55:56 Speaker 00 Is it really? I'm not gonna guess and I don't want to guess, but I'd love to know how many tea bags are sold in Britain in a year.
56:04 Speaker 04 God, he's loving the guessing game now, isn't he?
56:06 Speaker 00 No, no, no, no. I will not guess. I want to be told.
56:09 Speaker 01 20 billion, I reckon.
56:12 Speaker 04 Well, how many tea bags? What bags? Single bags? How many tea bags sold in the UK? We need a guess from you, Al.
56:21 Speaker 00 No.
56:21 Speaker 04 You've won.
56:22 Speaker 00 Dave.
56:22 Speaker 04 You've won. This is the victory lap.
56:24 Speaker 01 This is showboating.
56:25 Speaker 04 This is showboating. You can do whatever you want now. This is like if you've hit the safety mark on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It's a free hit.
56:30 Speaker 00 No chance.
56:31 Speaker 04 All right, John, what did you say?
56:32 Speaker 01 20 billion.
56:33 Speaker 04 20 bill.
56:35 Speaker 00 No.
56:35 Speaker 04 One.
56:37 Speaker 04 He sabotaged his own game that he asked for the answer for.
56:40 Speaker 00 No, my own question that I wanted to be answered sensibly.
56:43 Speaker 04 Sixty one billion.
56:44 Speaker 01 Wow.
56:45 Speaker 04 Sixteen bags, because people are going, they're flying through tea. So Josh Widdecombe.
56:50 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's half of that. Was the ex absolute tea monster.
56:53 Speaker 01 But is that including herbals?
56:55 Speaker 04 That's a good point.
56:56 Speaker 00 Good question.
56:56 Speaker 04 Nation's favourite hot drink approximately. One hundred and sixty five million cups of tea drunk daily. I don't know about the type of bag.
57:05 Speaker 01 Hundred and sixty five million daily, so three cups of tea each a day. That can't be right.
57:12 Speaker 00 Well, dad, my old man's having more and I'm having less.
57:15 Speaker 01 I'm having one, but with two bags. So what's that doing to the staff?
57:21 Speaker 04 That's the bag. There's still bag counts.
57:23 Speaker 00 Izzy's four or five, I think, I would say. Mum is forty.
57:28 Speaker 04 I'm one in the morning, I'm good to go.
57:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, me too. Great. Okay, so Ellis wins the game.
57:33 Speaker 04 It was Crispin with Crispin. Thank you for everyone.
57:35 Speaker 01 Thank you, Crispin.
57:36 Speaker 04 Thank you to everyone who got involved, including Crispin in his bell tower.
57:38 Speaker 00 Have I now won a game?
57:40 Speaker 01 You won a set. No, a game.
57:41 Speaker 04 You've won a game.
57:42 Speaker 00 It's never happened before.
57:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, it has. You just, the last game, last set you lost to love.
57:48 Speaker 00 It was six love and now it's like three one or something.
57:50 Speaker 01 No, but I'm two sets up.
57:52 Speaker 00 Yes, it was like six love, six love.
57:54 Speaker 01 No, it wasn't six love, six love.
57:55 Speaker 00 Oh, did I?
57:56 Speaker 04 No, because you actually had a very good start to the Great Reset. You had a fantastic start. You were out the block fast.
58:01 Speaker 00 Let's not dwell on my cognitive decline.
58:04 Speaker 04 So, it's, yeah, it's one game to love to Ellis in the third set.
58:09 Speaker 01 Right, let's now enter for the first time in a while, John's Shamewell.
58:14 Speaker 04 What was I thinking? Why did I say he had nice ankles? She was stood behind me the whole time.
58:20 Speaker 01 I didn't know he's only got one hand.
58:22 Speaker 04 I was signed in on her Gmail.
58:25 Speaker 01 John's Shamewell. Hello, my teenage armchair Honved fans.
58:34 Speaker 00 Oh, that's a half man, half biscuit.
58:36 Speaker 01 Oh, lovely.
58:37 Speaker 00 Reference. I was a teenage armchair Honved fan because Honved in the 50s were the best football team in Hungary. And they were probably the best team in Europe, then they famously lost to Wolves.
58:49 Speaker 01 The story starts in the early 90s.
58:51 Speaker 04 I love life.
58:54 Speaker 01 The story starts in the early 90s. My university friend Martin and I had boring desk jobs in our respective hometowns. To relieve the tedium, we started a small mobile DJ business, which to our bafflement started to do quite well. We had to speak to each other quite a lot, and this being pre-mobile phones, the only way to reach each other during the working week was to call our respective company switchboards and ask to be put through. Now, I remember this.
59:21 Speaker 04 Yes.
59:22 Speaker 01 When I was at Virgin, if your friends called you and asked to be put through to you, they would get very annoyed.
59:29 Speaker 04 I'm not surprised. What were people doing that?
59:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
59:32 Speaker 00 Wow. Can I speak to John, please, about a CD?
59:35 Speaker 01 I worked at a large company, so Martin's calls to me were barely noticed. He, however, worked for a small farming equipment company.
59:42 Speaker 04 Nightmare.
59:43 Speaker 01 With a single receptionist called Becky, and we agreed that my phoning regularly might cause questions about Martin's commitment to his actual job. The solution was straightforward. I'm reasonably proficient with voices.
59:56 Speaker 04 Oh. Yes, yes, yes.
59:59 Speaker 01 This story is Ellis Walterwall Ellis.
1:00:01 Speaker 00 I think I had a similar experience to this. Because I worked at a call centre and would do voices.
1:00:06 Speaker 01 So when I phoned, I would adopt different names and accents for each call. Barry from Norwich, Steve from Birkenhead, et cetera, and so on. This all worked a treat for several months with Becky, and therefore Martin's boss, none the wiser. Until one day, I decided that Graham from Scotland was to be the caller that day and blithely dialed Martin's switchboard number. The person who answered, however, was not Becky, no matter. Graham announced himself in a passively gruff Edinburgh accent and asked to be put through, at which point the new receptionist asked something Becky had never done. What's your surname, please, Graham? A smart man would have gone for something simple here, Smith or Jones, or even my actual surname.
1:00:51 Speaker 01 I, however, am not a smart man, so I blurted out the first name that popped into my head. Soonus, I said. There was a pause. The Graham Soonus, said the receptionist. I'd messed up.
1:01:12 Speaker 01 But a smarter man would have spotted the obvious way out. Just say, no, but I get that lot.
1:01:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:01:18 Speaker 01 Or something along those lines. But as we have already established, I'm not a smart man.
1:01:24 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:01:25 Speaker 01 I said, another long pause. I'll transfer you, she said. Phew, I thought.
1:01:30 Speaker 00 This is horrific.
1:01:32 Speaker 01 The universe has spared my blushes. Hello, Mr. Soonus, came a voice at the other end of the phone. This wasn't Martin. This is Ron Clark. I'm the managing director here. I just wanted to say this is a huge honour. My father's a proud Scot and he thinks you're the finest player he's ever seen in a Scotland shirt. Thanks, I said. I remember there being a small pause as Ron, I suspect, tried to join the vocal dots between the Graham Sooness he'd heard speaking on the TV and the person on the phone with him now.
1:02:03 Speaker 00 And also Graham Sooness has, he was a manager and then he's been, he was a pundit for like 30 years. Familiar voice. Very familiar voice.
1:02:11 Speaker 01 Long story short, Ron and I chatted for a few minutes and he ended up agreeing to send me a brochure of Massey Ferguson farming equipment to Liverpool FC. About an hour later, I got a 50% amused, 50% annoyed phone call from Martin, asking if he knew anything about this. I haven't the faintest idea, I lied. I confessed all to-
1:02:32 Speaker 00 Oh no, I would have confessed immediately.
1:02:34 Speaker 01 I confessed all to Martin after he left that job, but have carried the shame of it ever since. I hope this goes some way towards absolution. Thank you for all the hashtag content, Chris Baxter. That reminds me of when I, me and my friend Ben were playing S-head at my other friend John's house and smoking Mayfair Lights. And-
1:02:57 Speaker 00 Graham Sooness was there.
1:02:58 Speaker 01 And Ben had just started working at Waitrose. We would have been about 16. And I said, I said, well, just call in and say you've, say you've broken down. And he said, I can't do that. And I said, well, I'll call in. So I called his manager and said that I was on a coach with Ben and I was his teacher and a bus had broken down the school trip. And he said, what's your name? And I said, Mr. Swan.
1:03:27 Speaker 00 You could have a swan.
1:03:28 Speaker 01 And then Ben immediately called him and said, well, that was my friend playing a trick.
1:03:32 Speaker 00 My friend, she had a horrible boss. And when she was sick, she was actually too nervous to call. So she's, I was living with her and she used to make me do it. But I, I used to really go to town. I used to pretend I was her father, the whole sort of works. Hello, yeah, I'm phoning on behalf of.
1:03:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:49 Speaker 00 And to put on like a, like an old man dad voice. We're concerned about her, actually. And I loved it. And when I worked in a call centre, if I ever messed up, I would then call the people back in a Scottish voice and pretend that I was my own line manager. And that I'd reprimanded myself.
1:04:09 Speaker 01 How would you do, let's hear that.
1:04:11 Speaker 00 So I'd be like, so if I dis- but wrong. Hello, is that Mr. Robbins? Right, yeah, it's Dougie here. What was the name? Capital Leisure Management. Listen, I gather Elis James, one of our ex-members of staff was just on the phone to you. I was listening in on the call, this is my one, and I thought the way he behaved was absolutely despicable, so.
1:04:34 Speaker 01 What were you doing that was despicable?
1:04:35 Speaker 00 I was larking about.
1:04:37 Speaker 01 Oh, right.
1:04:38 Speaker 00 So, uh, so, you know, I've given him the sack. I've given him as much, you know, as best he could not take it any further. That would be great because as I said, I've given him the sack now. So that's, that's it.
1:04:48 Speaker 01 Wow. Did you do that?
1:04:49 Speaker 00 Yeah, I did that a couple of times.
1:04:50 Speaker 01 Wow.
1:04:50 Speaker 00 And sometimes if I was bored, I would just phone up as a Geordie. Because it was such a boring job. But then if they ever run back, I had to remember I was a Geordie. It was absolutely like me.
1:05:02 Speaker 01 Well, there you go. Keep your shame wells coming in to Ellison.
1:05:06 Speaker 01 Hello.
1:05:07 Speaker 00 Hello.
1:05:08 Speaker 01 Hello.
1:05:08 Speaker 00 At EllisonJohn.com. Oh, that is nice.
1:05:14 Speaker 01 Amen. We should get some monks to do our email address.
1:05:19 Speaker 00 Do you want to? Uh, do you know what we can do if you want?
1:05:21 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
1:05:21 Speaker 00 There's a very, very, very echoey stairwell near my house.
1:05:26 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:05:27 Speaker 00 So if I go there, I can sing the, I can sing the email address and it will sound like monks are doing it.
1:05:33 Speaker 01 Like Bon Iver does a concert in a stairwell in France.
1:05:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:05:36 Speaker 01 Does he?
1:05:37 Speaker 00 But I'm away for a week, so you'll have to remind me. But yeah, I can do that.
1:05:40 Speaker 01 Have you ever seen Bon Iver? I'd love to see Bon Iver.
1:05:42 Speaker 00 Um.
1:05:42 Speaker 01 Never seen him. If you have, haven't you produced enough? He's a bit of you. He's a bit of you. I should have seen Bon Iver.
1:05:48 Speaker 00 Yeah, but you'd remember, surely. They're pretty memorable gigs.
1:05:51 Speaker 01 Good God, I can't remember.
1:05:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:05:54 Speaker 01 I would have seen him if I could have.
1:05:56 Speaker 00 Named in Edinburgh show, your first Edinburgh show after one of his records. Which was that was. Of course. Oh, yeah.
1:06:03 Speaker 01 I don't think I have seen him.
1:06:04 Speaker 00 Solid Tristana show.
1:06:05 Speaker 01 His Jules Holland video is absolutely stunning of that song.
1:06:10 Speaker 00 Really? Let's get him on the podcast.
1:06:12 Speaker 01 Let's get him on.
1:06:12 Speaker 00 Let's get him on.
1:06:13 Speaker 01 What's his name? Justin Vernon?
1:06:14 Speaker 00 Justin Vernon, featured on a couple of Taylor Swift albums as well. Justin Vernon, sounds like he works for CBBC. Sounds like some of Mr. Fumble's friends to me.
1:06:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, but if that was French, it'd be Justin Vernon. Be a bit better.
1:06:28 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's not.
1:06:29 Speaker 01 He's on secretly Canadian, isn't he?
1:06:31 Speaker 00 Uh, yes.
1:06:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:06:32 Speaker 00 We're drifting. No, this is the music hour. Oh, I've got an hour of this. Yeah, it's a, it's a come get me, please to BBC Six.
1:06:39 Speaker 01 No, it's a come get yourself to me, please.
1:06:42 Speaker 00 Oh, of course it is. Yeah.
1:06:43 Speaker 01 Right, we'll be back next week. Bye bye.
1:06:45 Speaker 00 Goodbye.
1:06:54 Speaker 02 Hey, we're Nick and Jack, hosts of the best one yet.
1:06:56 Speaker 07 Behind every episode, there's research, emails, spreadsheets and our shared Google Doc, the headline hammer.
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1:07:24 Speaker 07 That's goo.gle/workspacewithGemini.
1:07:29 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.
1:07:35 Speaker 00 And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.
1:07:40 Speaker 01 Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.
Previous #544 - The Golden Texter, Wheels Through Wales and Common Zense Next #546 - Jimmy Corkhill, €57 of Tapenade and Remembering John’s Misdeeds Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated