Pod Insights Elis James and John Robins #546 - Jimmy Corkhill, €57 of Tapenade and Remembering John’s Misdeeds About this episode The UK’s stagnant economy is about to have a huge injection of growth, because Elis has got a big idea and a big observation. Strap in and let’s make millions.
Whilst becoming billionaires is in the air, you know what are also in the air? Questions. Questions such as would you rather be a long boy or a boxy boy or a baggy boy? Is Christ going to be on Jools Holland? And do you have to ask what John’s mood is before you offer him a nice thing?
We also discover the most expensive substance on earth by weight.
Have you got something more precious per gram? Well let us know via [email protected] mailto:[email protected] .
For lots of exclusive EJJR #content including the upcoming brand birding new Elis and John Adventure, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn.
For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn.
For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com.
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Transcript 12,413 words · 7 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.
0:04 Speaker 01 If you head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...
0:10 Speaker 00 Miniumpicks.
0:11 Speaker 01 It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.
0:14 Speaker 00 Birdwatching. My two favourite things are birds and football.
0:18 Speaker 01 And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.
0:22 Speaker 02 So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.
0:26 Speaker 01 Ellis is there as well, Dave.
0:27 Speaker 00 We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.
0:32 Speaker 00 So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/EllisandJohn now.
0:41 Speaker 03 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum. Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested.
0:54 Speaker 04 They said, "You're nicked. You're in a lot of trouble."
0:56 Speaker 03 But was he set up?
0:57 Speaker 00 Wanted abled to fall of two cops.
1:00 Speaker 03 His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
1:05 Speaker 05 You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?
1:08 Speaker 03 I'm Jaycee Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts.
1:37 Speaker 00 Hello. Thank you very much for downloading this episode of Ellis and John. And I've got to say, I'm fizzing with ideas.
1:44 Speaker 01 Are you? Again?
1:45 Speaker 00 I'm fizzing with ideas. Well, I've had two ideas.
1:47 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:48 Speaker 00 One of which is more of an observation, but the other is a genuine idea. So which one do you want to hear first? I'll give you my idea first. It's my first multimillion pound idea.
1:56 Speaker 01 Well, hold on, because now everyone...
1:58 Speaker 02 Or hear about it. What if someone nicks it?
2:00 Speaker 00 Well, yeah, but I've, this is going out. It's copyrighted, isn't it? I'll just, I'll just have to have a court case.
2:05 Speaker 01 No, Dave, we put it in the Patreon episode. So if you want to be a millionaire, you have to subscribe to Ellis and John.
2:14 Speaker 02 That's a bit clickbaity for us, John.
2:16 Speaker 00 They're the kind of listeners we want, the millionaires.
2:18 Speaker 01 Dave, do you know what successful people do?
2:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, they talk about optimization and.
2:24 Speaker 01 They, they bait clicks.
2:26 Speaker 02 They do.
2:26 Speaker 01 They do. So we need to. Why do you think?
2:29 Speaker 00 They see death as a glitch in the matrix, Dave.
2:32 Speaker 01 Why do you think I film myself nude in a bath?
2:36 Speaker 02 I mean, that was, that was more thirst trapping than clickbaiting.
2:40 Speaker 01 Baiting clicks.
2:41 Speaker 00 And he's optimizing himself.
2:43 Speaker 01 Dave, I'm gaming the algorithm. Cause if there's one thing I know is the algorithm. Cause if you watch one large chested lady swinging a golf club.
2:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
2:51 Speaker 01 The algorithm knows.
2:53 Speaker 00 Absolutely. It's true.
2:55 Speaker 01 It's true.
2:56 Speaker 00 You know, if you watch one person have an accident on a skateboard, you will then get hundreds of people having accidents on skateboards.
3:03 Speaker 01 Also, somehow if Ellis mentions a horse farting.
3:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:07 Speaker 01 On a podcast you record, the first thing you see when you open up Instagram will be a horse farting. Liked by Elis James.
3:14 Speaker 00 No, right.
3:16 Speaker 01 Actually liked the video as if to say to the world, this is who I am.
3:22 Speaker 00 This is round James.
3:24 Speaker 01 This is what I'm about.
3:25 Speaker 00 No, because I wanted easy access to it to show my son.
3:29 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, yeah, fine. Yeah.
3:31 Speaker 00 So I thought he will love this.
3:34 Speaker 01 That's all you're seeing, sicko. I, you, what you want written on your gravestone is I'm Elis James. I like videos of horses farting.
3:43 Speaker 00 No, I liked one in particular that I, that I showed my kids.
3:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:48 Speaker 00 But the problem is I've now, I've now got a movable feast of horses farting on Instagram. I, I, I don't want it.
3:55 Speaker 02 I wouldn't mind it. That sounds quite knockabout.
3:58 Speaker 00 It's quite playful.
4:00 Speaker 02 Funny, but. It's just, just a gas.
4:02 Speaker 00 It becomes a bit much, eventually.
4:05 Speaker 01 If it's all you watch. But if you watch enough of anything, you can get into it.
4:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I keep getting shown surfers getting wiped up by big waves.
4:16 Speaker 00 And I get Norwegian maniacs throwing big rocks into
4:23 Speaker 01 Smaller rocks.
4:24 Speaker 00 Into the sea and then jumping into the sea from like a hundred feet.
4:27 Speaker 01 I get all that.
4:28 Speaker 00 And it is absolutely, how they don't break their spines is beyond me.
4:33 Speaker 01 What's your million mega million idea?
4:35 Speaker 00 Okay, I got.
4:36 Speaker 01 And then it's the observation second.
4:38 Speaker 00 The observation.
4:39 Speaker 01 If you've never been to an Elis James gig, this is how it works. He comes on stage, he says, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
4:44 Speaker 00 Big idea.
4:45 Speaker 01 I've got one joke and one observation. Which would you like first?
4:51 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's, it's the comedy menu with Elis James. And then you get to choose.
4:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's nice, actually. It'll choose your own adventure for the audience.
4:58 Speaker 00 Exactly, yeah. And it does fill 20 minutes, Dave.
5:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:03 Speaker 00 I got sent a load of Pinini stickers, but the, the, in the specific Welsh album for the upcoming World Cup.
5:10 Speaker 01 You're not in the World Cup.
5:11 Speaker 00 Exactly. Wales haven't qualified. They've still done the album. So I got sent, I got sent the album and all the stickers and my son loves sticking all the stickers in, right? Um, but one of the big problems as a kid with Wales failing to qualify for 86, 1994, et cetera, was that we didn't get stickers. Because obviously if you didn't qualify, that was that. But now they just do stickers anyway.
5:34 Speaker 01 What?
5:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
5:35 Speaker 01 So there's, there's stickers of a Welsh World Cup team that does not exist.
5:40 Speaker 00 Yes.
5:41 Speaker 01 Why?
5:42 Speaker 00 For people like me and my son, right? But they've just got it. They had to make it.
5:46 Speaker 01 In the World Cup.
5:46 Speaker 00 No, exactly. So obviously they, they, they will have made the stickers.
5:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:50 Speaker 00 Months ago.
5:51 Speaker 01 In case.
5:52 Speaker 00 In case.
5:53 Speaker 01 But before the squad was announced.
5:54 Speaker 00 Yeah. So it's a sort of guest squad, right? So obviously Wales then, we, we lost the play off to Bosnia, penalty shootout. The stickers have been made. There'll be factories and depots full of sticker albums. So I got sent one and it's great. Brilliant. So I thought, why don't Panini go back and remake sticker albums for eighty six, for ninety and ninety four, using the graphics of those World Cups? Because they will, they will have them in the office somewhere. And then a load of forty five year old sados like myself will buy them. And you'd be able to, you'd be able to fulfil your childhood dreams. So England didn't qualify for nineteen ninety four, for instance. So you would guess the squad that Graham Taylor had chosen.
6:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:37 Speaker 00 And then you'd just lease it, but the graphics all look the same. So it looks like a period piece, but it's modern.
6:42 Speaker 01 Or you could have like nineteen fifty two.
6:45 Speaker 00 Exactly.
6:46 Speaker 01 The problem I have with this is something we've talked about earlier, uh, years ago, probably, is that I have a moral issue with something that, the magic of which is for children, being now the domain of wealthy men who can just buy all the stickers.
7:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:06 Speaker 01 Because the whole, the whole magic of them is it's your last fifty p.
7:10 Speaker 00 Of course.
7:11 Speaker 01 And you need that Romania flag.
7:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, so he's my.
7:15 Speaker 01 You need Vassili Rats.
7:17 Speaker 00 Yes. My son's been sent, um.
7:21 Speaker 01 Well, he's just been sent the Spotify of Panini.
7:24 Speaker 00 No, he's been sent like ten packets. So he's in urgent need of an ether.
7:28 Speaker 01 So he's all, he's already a spoiled nepo baby. He's just being sent ten packets of, it doesn't matter, nothing matters.
7:36 Speaker 00 No, no, no, but he hasn't finished.
7:38 Speaker 01 Let's just cancel the whole podcast.
7:40 Speaker 00 Right, he hasn't finished it. Uh, and I'm not just going to go up there and buy him fifty packets because that's not the way it works.
7:45 Speaker 01 Is he going and swapping his swaps with Romeo Beckham? And, um.
7:50 Speaker 00 Unfortunately, no one in his school is.
7:52 Speaker 01 I can't think of any other children or famous people.
7:55 Speaker 00 Unfortunately, in his school, no one else is collecting the Welsh sticker albums. We've got no one to swap with. Anyway, um, as my business partner, you might have a moral problem with, you know, the magic of children being co-opted by, uh, people in their forties with disposable income. But do you have a profit with making ten million grand?
8:15 Speaker 01 Do I have a profit?
8:16 Speaker 00 Sorry, do you have a problem?
8:17 Speaker 01 I said grand.
8:18 Speaker 00 Do you have a problem with making ten million grand profit?
8:20 Speaker 01 Ellis, on Dragons Den, I do the talking.
8:25 Speaker 01 I also do the numbers. So what I do is I come out and I start the pitch and I say, I'm just going to talk to our numbers guy. I then walk to the back of the room and walk back wearing a different jacket. You stay completely silent.
8:38 Speaker 00 And they say, what's he doing?
8:40 Speaker 01 Ellis is sitting, sticking stickers into a book.
8:43 Speaker 00 They say, what's he doing here? And you say, he's my, he's my brother's friend. I'm looking after him.
8:49 Speaker 01 He's just there.
8:50 Speaker 00 He's just, sorry, sorry about him. Bizarrely, I profit split, I profit share with my brother's friend.
8:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:58 Speaker 00 And he's not allowed to talk.
8:59 Speaker 01 No. I think it's a great idea.
9:02 Speaker 00 So, cause.
9:03 Speaker 01 What was the first World Cup?
9:05 Speaker 00 Uh, 1930.
9:06 Speaker 01 So that would be a good one, all black and white.
9:08 Speaker 00 God, if you want to get, get in deep.
9:12 Speaker 02 Do you want to get in deep, John?
9:13 Speaker 00 Let me get in deep.
9:15 Speaker 01 Let him talk for a bit.
9:17 Speaker 00 Wales had a really good side at the end of the twenties and thirties. So we won the British Home Championship four times, I think. But because the English FA refused to enter the World Cup.
9:28 Speaker 01 Did they?
9:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, the Welsh FA followed the English FA's lead and we didn't enter either. And we'd have, we'd have, we had a really good team in the thirties. So it does make you wonder how, how well we would have done in a very early world.
9:43 Speaker 02 So how many World Cups did England not?
9:44 Speaker 00 Thirty, thirty-four and thirty-eight, England refused to enter. Then obviously the war. So then they entered in nineteen fifty and famously they lost to the USA in one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history.
9:57 Speaker 02 So it is actually interesting. That is good, good stuff.
9:59 Speaker 00 Yes. And then obviously we qualified fifty-eight, like England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland qualified for fifty-eight.
10:04 Speaker 01 Yes.
10:05 Speaker 00 So, so help me God, let me finish.
10:08 Speaker 02 No, good. I'm not, I am.
10:10 Speaker 00 So there you go. So yeah, for the very, so for the very elderly, you could have old stickers for the ones we didn't qualify for.
10:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:18 Speaker 00 But I think that because each, each sticker album from the eighties and nineties, they had a very different look, it'd be very easy to do when it's in the Sancho's.
10:26 Speaker 01 There were stickers in the nineties. I had the Italian ninety stickers.
10:28 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because England and Scotland qualified, but Wales didn't, Northern Ireland didn't, et cetera. Scotland didn't qualify for ninety-four.
10:36 Speaker 01 Oh, so, hang on. I thought you were just wanted old World Cup sticker albums.
10:40 Speaker 00 No, no, no. You're doing for the teams that didn't qualify for the people.
10:43 Speaker 01 Why? Because they weren't there.
10:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, exactly. But you still get the stickers.
10:46 Speaker 02 So couldn't you do it for all of them? You could do it for the teams that were there.
10:49 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but they, they already exist.
10:52 Speaker 02 This can't be happening whilst you're in front of the dragons. You can't be going halfway through.
10:56 Speaker 01 This is a bad idea.
10:57 Speaker 00 I'm your brother Louis, no. They would fly off the shelves.
11:01 Speaker 01 No, they wouldn't. One copy would fly off the shelf to you and then millions would go unsold.
11:06 Speaker 00 And my friend Matthew, and my friend Guillaume, and my friend Tristan, and my friend Hugh.
11:10 Speaker 02 So answer me this.
11:11 Speaker 00 Yes.
11:11 Speaker 02 Because there is no-
11:12 Speaker 00 Remember, I'm not allowed to talk in this. I'm his brother's friend.
11:17 Speaker 02 But there is no squad?
11:19 Speaker 00 No, you'd guess the squad. So being educated guys-
11:22 Speaker 02 So I could tell you the squad for the qualifying games, for the qualifying campaign of 86.
11:28 Speaker 01 But so hang on, so the rest of the album is all the other teams?
11:31 Speaker 00 No, no, no. Now they just do individual albums for teams.
11:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:34 Speaker 01 So it's just a page?
11:36 Speaker 00 No, no, there's loads of, there's, the latest one is brought to you by M&S, Eat Well. So there's actually a couple of M&S stickers as well.
11:46 Speaker 02 Oh, game's gone, game's gone.
11:49 Speaker 00 But there's, it's not just the squad, there's pictures of them doing various things and there's like information boxes on it and stuff.
11:57 Speaker 02 Oh, John.
11:57 Speaker 01 Oh, what's the information? You imagine that as well? They got to the semi-final alongside the other four teams in this fantasy land.
12:07 Speaker 00 No, it's information about the teams. Like in 1986, Ian Rush had scored 13 goals for Wales and had won the European Cup with Liverpool. It's that kind of thing, isn't it?
12:14 Speaker 01 But that's not information about the world. Ellis? I'm eight.
12:19 Speaker 01 Okay, what's your observation?
12:20 Speaker 00 The observation? The observation is-
12:24 Speaker 02 Some of the crowd have gone to the bar at this point, if this was your stand-up gig.
12:27 Speaker 00 Why are you having a go as well?
12:30 Speaker 01 Tell us your observation.
12:31 Speaker 00 The observation? If you want to set Instagram alight.
12:37 Speaker 01 And rub a horse's tummy till it farts.
12:40 Speaker 00 If you want to create engagement like I've never seen before.
12:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:44 Speaker 00 Denim jacket on eBay and ask, ask your followers, do I look like Jimmy Corkhill or not?
12:51 Speaker 01 Who's Jimmy Corkhill?
12:53 Speaker 00 Oh my god.
12:54 Speaker 02 Amad, Emmerdale?
12:55 Speaker 00 No, Brooks.
12:56 Speaker 02 Hi, Brookside.
12:58 Speaker 00 Brookside.
12:59 Speaker 02 Sorry, Brookside, the other one.
13:00 Speaker 00 He found Trevor Jourdash under the patio.
13:02 Speaker 02 It was a huge week.
13:03 Speaker 01 Twenty twenty six.
13:04 Speaker 02 It was a huge week for Brookside.
13:05 Speaker 00 It was a big week for, and when he turned up at the V Day celebrations, dressed like he was in the Gestapo.
13:11 Speaker 02 Really?
13:13 Speaker 02 It was always a big week for Brookside if they're on every night of the week.
13:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:16 Speaker 02 That was exciting. That was huge, actually.
13:18 Speaker 00 Jimmy Corkhill was huge.
13:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, he was.
13:20 Speaker 01 I'd never watched Brookside.
13:22 Speaker 02 I watched it on the big weeks.
13:23 Speaker 00 It was around. You must have known who Jimmy Corkhill was.
13:26 Speaker 01 I don't know who Jimmy Corkhill is. Let me Google him.
13:29 Speaker 00 I'm not gonna ask this off because she's 14. Michael, do you know Jimmy Cork? She's wiz.
13:34 Speaker 02 This is bad news.
13:35 Speaker 01 You didn't look anything like this chap.
13:37 Speaker 00 No, but he had a denim jacket. That's the thing.
13:39 Speaker 01 He's not photographed in a, oh, there he is in a denim jacket.
13:44 Speaker 00 So tell me about the engagement. Well, I just said, I, I bought a denim jacket on eBay. So, um, I saw it in a shop and I took a photo of it and I was like, hmm, don't know about that. So I texted my great friend, Welsh Pete, who's one of the, he's one of the great denim jacket historians. And I said, does this look good? And he was like, it's all right. It suits you, but you really wanna go Levi's or, I can't remember the other company he said, Lee probably. And he was like, um, and he, he told me the serial numbers and he said, you wanna buy one of those.
14:19 Speaker 02 That's good. Serial numbers are key.
14:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he said, you wanna buy one of those? And I've, I've never been sure about denim jackets because I'm quite a boxy boy.
14:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:28 Speaker 00 I'm quite boxy. So they look great on Johnny Marr. They look great on Graham Coxon in particular. He always looks good in a denim jacket. But they've never really suited me. So anyway, so I got, I took the serial number and I bought it on eBay. And when I put it on, I thought, I just look like Jimmy Corkhill from Brookside. I look like I found a hand under a patio.
14:50 Speaker 00 Anyway, I asked on Instagram, does this make me look like Jimmy Corkhill? And I got literally hundreds of messages.
14:56 Speaker 02 Did you?
14:57 Speaker 00 And it was split three ways. Yes, you look like Jimmy Corkhill.
15:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:01 Speaker 00 Yes, you look like Jimmy Corkhill and I like it.
15:05 Speaker 02 And the third?
15:06 Speaker 00 Yes, you look like Jimmy Corkhill, uh, and I don't like it.
15:09 Speaker 02 Uh, there's gotta be some people asking who Jimmy Corkhill is, surely.
15:12 Speaker 00 I got a few, I got one message from someone saying, you make me Google the weirdest white men.
15:21 Speaker 00 But in the main.
15:23 Speaker 01 Well, there's two types of denim jacket, really. There's Jimmy Corkhill slash cracker.
15:28 Speaker 00 Slash Jimmy Clarkson.
15:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, slash like, uh, student in the, in 1986 who likes Crowded House.
15:35 Speaker 00 Yes.
15:36 Speaker 01 And then there's the Strokes.
15:37 Speaker 00 The June in Casablanca denim jacket.
15:39 Speaker 01 And I had, Robin once gave me his denim jacket in 2000 and maybe 99, cause it was a bit small for him or a bit big for him. And I felt so cool in that jacket.
15:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:51 Speaker 01 Cause it was a much like, it didn't, it was a much like looser hang.
15:55 Speaker 00 But also you're, you're not boxy at all.
15:58 Speaker 02 Oh, John's not a boxy boy.
15:59 Speaker 00 No, no, no. You're a long boy, but that means you look good in clothes.
16:03 Speaker 01 Uh, not all of them. Not all of them.
16:07 Speaker 00 I would prefer to be a long boy than a boxy boy.
16:10 Speaker 01 Would you?
16:11 Speaker 00 Yeah. In the main.
16:13 Speaker 02 Boxy boi, yeah, I, I'd have to, but you do, you do, you pull it off.
16:17 Speaker 01 I tell you what a lo-
16:17 Speaker 00 No, no, but you pull it off.
16:18 Speaker 01 I tell you what a long boy doesn't look good in.
16:20 Speaker 00 What?
16:20 Speaker 01 A fleece.
16:23 Speaker 01 Fleece is are for boxy boys.
16:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:25 Speaker 01 They shouldn't hang off you.
16:26 Speaker 02 Ah, I disagree. Greg James wears a fleece nicely and he's a, he's a long boy.
16:31 Speaker 01 No, he doesn't. I'm sorry, it's his only flaw.
16:35 Speaker 02 Is it? No, he's got the quarter down zip a lot. He pulls off the quarter down zip fleece.
16:39 Speaker 01 Fleece is barrel chested scoutmaster.
16:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:42 Speaker 01 That's what fleece is good for.
16:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:44 Speaker 01 Fleece is ale gut.
16:46 Speaker 00 Or someone who works, um, in the coffee shop of a garden centre.
16:50 Speaker 01 Fleece is someone who's naturally strong despite doing no, no exercise. Like it's just their day is full of movement. They cut wood, they lift coal.
17:01 Speaker 00 Or if you're 21 and you live in Huggers. And any very cool. They somehow look good in it as well.
17:06 Speaker 01 I don't think they do.
17:07 Speaker 02 I disagree. I think it's, I think it's a young person's game, John, actually. And I think there are, it's young people look good in fleeces. Fleeces are in. It's off. A fleece is in. Yeah.
17:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, but look at the faces making.
17:19 Speaker 02 A reluctant nod as in like, yeah, they are, but I prefer they weren't.
17:22 Speaker 01 Red flag.
17:25 Speaker 00 Well, when I wore one, when I was devastated because where's the last penalty shootout deposit? Yeah. I mean, God, you, the two of you entered out on me. Well, John did mainly, but you, you joined in as well.
17:35 Speaker 02 What, a fleece gate?
17:36 Speaker 00 Yeah, I do remember when I, when I couldn't be bothered. I did look mad. I was wearing Swasey City tracksuit bottom.
17:41 Speaker 01 He left him.
17:43 Speaker 02 Oh, oh goodness.
17:44 Speaker 01 And she chucked some clothes onto the lawn, but not ones he'd worn in years.
17:48 Speaker 00 No, and they were, they were my clothes now.
17:50 Speaker 01 Yeah. And they were sort of covered in dew.
17:55 Speaker 01 Because she chucked them out the night before and he'd come back in the morning.
17:58 Speaker 00 Yeah. So I was wearing my dew covered tracksuit.
18:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, I do remember that. It was a misstep.
18:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, I was upset. Yeah. I was really upset.
18:07 Speaker 02 There is a good carrot opportunity because.
18:10 Speaker 00 What? Does anything like Jimmy Corkhill?
18:13 Speaker 02 Because guess who else has bought in their oversized denim jacket today, Ellis?
18:16 Speaker 00 Yeah, but you're.
18:17 Speaker 02 This guy.
18:18 Speaker 00 But you're not boxy, Dave.
18:19 Speaker 01 Did you wear it in?
18:20 Speaker 00 I did. Yeah, I had to suck it in.
18:21 Speaker 01 Let's sing it then.
18:22 Speaker 02 Get it on. Put it on.
18:25 Speaker 01 Put it on.
18:26 Speaker 00 I've got two of these.
18:27 Speaker 02 It's a nice, you've got two of them. Well done for getting clothes.
18:30 Speaker 01 You got two?
18:30 Speaker 00 No, no, no. Well, I've seen I got, I've bought the other one.
18:33 Speaker 01 What's the other one?
18:34 Speaker 00 The one that I texted my friend Welsh Pete.
18:37 Speaker 01 Stand up.
18:38 Speaker 02 Stand up. Straight, please.
18:42 Speaker 02 Are they in shot, Michael?
18:46 Speaker 01 I think it's a little dark for Jimmy Corkhill, but it's the right vibe.
18:53 Speaker 01 No, it's just the fashion is baggy and you're not a baggy boy.
18:57 Speaker 02 We're just getting you in shot. There we go. Ellis, I think it's absolutely fine.
19:01 Speaker 01 Um, Dave, I still remember that this is an audio format, so. Don't look on the paddy, oh Jackie. Don't look. Under the patio. We can do both.
19:10 Speaker 00 He was in a persistent vegetative state.
19:12 Speaker 01 To our listeners who we love.
19:14 Speaker 00 For a bit.
19:16 Speaker 01 On the scale of zero being one of those bleached, almost white blues to 10 being a very dark navy blue. I'm going to say this is a 7.6.
19:26 Speaker 00 It's a nice blue.
19:27 Speaker 01 It's a nice blue, sure.
19:29 Speaker 00 All right then. Yeah, I'm just, I'm just looking at the, the message my friend, the denim jacket historian said. And I've, I've got, I've, I've got, um, service, not service, what's the phrase? Numbers.
19:45 Speaker 01 You look like you're coming back from an Inexcess gig in 1987. And that's not a bad look.
19:50 Speaker 00 Serial numbers, I meant.
19:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I.
19:52 Speaker 00 Inexcess.
19:53 Speaker 01 It's just not your music is what's weird about that.
19:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:57 Speaker 01 Cause your clothes are always either your music or your sport.
20:00 Speaker 00 Yes.
20:01 Speaker 02 That's good. That's a well, yeah, good way of putting it.
20:03 Speaker 00 Observation, actually.
20:04 Speaker 01 But that is, that's like baggy Bangles polka dot.
20:08 Speaker 00 It's Neil Finn.
20:09 Speaker 01 It's Neil Finn.
20:10 Speaker 00 The problem was, obviously I bought it on eBay, so I couldn't try it on. So I was just guessing at the size.
20:16 Speaker 02 Well done for getting it off eBay. I get a lot of my clothes off those sorts of sites.
20:19 Speaker 00 1987, this jacket.
20:20 Speaker 01 Is it? Is it really? That's why, that's why I said that. Yeah, Dave.
20:22 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:23 Speaker 01 Um, great. So that's a million, so we're now millionaires because of the mad breakdown Panini sticker album idea.
20:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:31 Speaker 00 I can't be the only one. I can't be the only.
20:34 Speaker 01 Definitely the only one.
20:35 Speaker 00 Well, I've, I'm in a WhatsApp group with another, another five millionaires.
20:39 Speaker 01 The five single dads.
20:41 Speaker 00 They're not single dads, actually.
20:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:45 Speaker 02 It's the early signs. The collectibles game is massive.
20:50 Speaker 00 It is massive.
20:52 Speaker 02 I was very fortunate. I got taken by a collectibles company to watch Man City a few weeks ago. And they bought with them like a box to kind of demonstrate at the table of like some of the top end stickers. Well, they're not, they're not even stickers anymore. They're just cards. They're that, like football player cards.
21:07 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, my son knows those cards, yeah.
21:08 Speaker 02 But like there's versions that have been actually signed. So you now get actual signed ones. There's something called a rookie card now. If you get a rookie card, they're really valuable because it's the only time they'll ever be a rookie. And there's even some now with like, I've not named the brand, so this is fine. I can see.
21:23 Speaker 01 It doesn't matter if you name the brand.
21:25 Speaker 02 There's like, there's some now that have got. Bits of their worn shirts, basically.
21:30 Speaker 00 You're joking.
21:31 Speaker 02 Bits of the worn shirt in the card.
21:33 Speaker 00 No way.
21:34 Speaker 02 So you can almost feel like a bit of the shirt that's from a big game.
21:37 Speaker 00 How much are they?
21:38 Speaker 01 Absolute scam.
21:39 Speaker 02 Their thousands.
21:40 Speaker 00 Wow.
21:41 Speaker 01 Dave, is it right if I say that people who invited you to Man City are in charge of a scam?
21:45 Speaker 02 No, they're not in charge of a scam. Lovely, lovely, lovely team. Lovely team of people.
21:51 Speaker 00 That's mad, I've never heard of that.
21:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's bigger than I, I mean, I felt like a bit of a, I felt very out of touch when he was talking, me and my two mates through these cards and all of us looked so blank of what was going on.
22:04 Speaker 00 Footballers now get four shirts a game.
22:06 Speaker 02 Do they?
22:07 Speaker 00 So it flooded the market.
22:10 Speaker 01 One for best, one if they get grass on it, and then what?
22:13 Speaker 00 Long sleeve and short sleeve per half. Whereas in the early 80s, you'd get given one shirt for a season. So a friend of mine's got Robbie James's shirt from the 81-82 season. And it's been stitched together and patched up and all that kind of stuff. Whereas now there's just loads of them, so they're much easier to get hold of.
22:31 Speaker 02 Hmm.
22:32 Speaker 00 But yeah, so you don't want to be millionaire. And you don't want to make my Brookside documentary with me. Okay, fine.
22:40 Speaker 01 I very much enjoyed your Super Furry Animals documentary, which is available on BBC Sounds.
22:44 Speaker 00 Yes, it is.
22:45 Speaker 02 It is.
22:48 Speaker 02 Don't skirt past a really good Super Furry Animals documentary with a Jimmy Corkhill impression, Alex.
22:52 Speaker 00 I did a Jimmy Corkhill frame of mine. And I'm not business.
22:56 Speaker 01 If we went on Dragon's Den, he would tell so many irrelevant anecdotes to Debra Meaden.
23:01 Speaker 00 Yes, and then she'd get off with me.
23:05 Speaker 02 Oh my god. This is a mad episode of Dragon's Den.
23:09 Speaker 00 It is.
23:09 Speaker 02 First of all, you're the silent one that's just playing in the corner, and now you're getting off with Debra Meaden.
23:13 Speaker 00 It would look really creepy only if I just sat and stuck stickers in, in the corner and wasn't allowed to speak.
23:19 Speaker 02 Yeah. But yeah, the Super Furry Animals documentary is out now and it's a really good hours' worth of a real potted history of the band, isn't it Ellis?
23:26 Speaker 00 It is, and it was a great honour to meet them and interview them. And it's available on BBC Sounds. And it's, you know, they did so much in their career. It's 30 years since Fuzzy Logic came out, that it's a whistle stop tour.
23:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's great.
23:41 Speaker 00 My god, they made some great music. I saw them live two weeks ago in Brixton.
23:45 Speaker 02 Oh, you did?
23:46 Speaker 00 It was fantastic.
23:48 Speaker 02 Was the crowd going, are they mad for it? Are the crowd quite Larry?
23:51 Speaker 00 Not Larry, it's just they haven't performed together.
23:54 Speaker 01 They're too busy swapping stickers for a football team that doesn't exist.
24:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, the furries, the furries crowd would be in.
24:03 Speaker 00 He is funny for a ****.
24:10 Speaker 02 It is.
24:14 Speaker 00 So, it's just they mean so much to people because they haven't performed live for so long.
24:19 Speaker 02 They're very good. I've really got an interest in them since doing the doc.
24:21 Speaker 00 Well, friends of mine have done every gig. They've done furries away in every, at every show they've played so far, which is just, yeah. I've not done that, but I will be at the Ali Pally.
24:32 Speaker 00 Anyway, should we do some, why do we do some John wins again?
24:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, shall we each one ask John how his week's been?
24:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, do you want me to just think about someone else for the first time in your life?
24:45 Speaker 00 He is a ****, isn't he? Well, he usually does that with his, in his John wins again.
24:50 Speaker 02 He does, but it might just sound nice if you ask him how his week's been.
24:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, it might be nice, might be good. Just for a change after 12 years, for someone to ask you how your week's been.
24:59 Speaker 00 Anyway, how's your week been, John?
25:00 Speaker 01 Well, funny you should ask, dingaling, because I went to Ali Pally and I watched the recording of Later with Jules Holland.
25:08 Speaker 00 Did you?
25:09 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, now they care.
25:12 Speaker 02 Now I know.
25:12 Speaker 01 Now they care about their mum.
25:14 Speaker 02 But I invited you.
25:15 Speaker 01 Coming in with a dishcloth over her shoulder after a hard day's cooking and cleaning. How are you, mum? Well, do you know what? It's the first time you've asked me that in years.
25:24 Speaker 00 I've just been to Jules Holland.
25:25 Speaker 01 Yes, and I went to Jules Holland.
25:29 Speaker 02 Hold on, John.
25:29 Speaker 00 Who was on?
25:30 Speaker 01 I can't say, I don't think.
25:32 Speaker 00 No, you can't.
25:33 Speaker 02 But hold on, was it who I think it is?
25:36 Speaker 01 It might be who you think it is, yeah.
25:37 Speaker 00 Because otherwise, why would you go?
25:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:40 Speaker 02 Well, I've, because I once invited you to Later with Jules Holland.
25:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:44 Speaker 02 And you sent back, you didn't give me a yes or no. The response from you was just, "Act for whom I would sit through on Jules Holland", and then you've listed a...
25:55 Speaker 01 Where the, how, where's this come from?
25:57 Speaker 02 This is what you sent me?
25:58 Speaker 01 When?
26:02 Speaker 02 8th of Jan, this year.
26:03 Speaker 01 This year?
26:03 Speaker 02 This year.
26:04 Speaker 01 Wow.
26:05 Speaker 02 Do you want me to list?
26:05 Speaker 01 God, you've got a good memory.
26:06 Speaker 02 I've not, I just remember that you...
26:08 Speaker 01 I hate it when people remember my misdeeds. What have I said?
26:12 Speaker 02 So do you want me to talk you through the act that you said you would sit through for Jules Holland?
26:16 Speaker 01 Okay, are they alive?
26:17 Speaker 02 Some of them are, no, some of them are very tramp.
26:19 Speaker 01 Captain Beefheart.
26:21 Speaker 02 In order, well, there isn't an order, but in the order that you texted me, you were on this one, I was, do you remember this, Alice?
26:25 Speaker 00 No.
26:26 Speaker 02 No. How are you, do you neither remember the invite that I sent you literally four months ago?
26:30 Speaker 01 Dave, I get invited to Later with Jules Holland every week.
26:33 Speaker 00 And I'm always...
26:34 Speaker 01 They're desperate to have me in the crowd.
26:35 Speaker 00 And I'm always coming up with ideas to make us a million pounds.
26:38 Speaker 02 Because you know what I'm a bit put out by? I said, "Team night out?", question mark, and you've just gone on your own without me inviting you.
26:45 Speaker 01 I was writing a book about trauma.
26:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, he was, to be fair. Geese, I'll say it again, geese.
26:52 Speaker 01 Correct, geese, geese, geese.
26:54 Speaker 02 Cameron Winter.
26:55 Speaker 01 Yep.
26:55 Speaker 02 Van Morrison.
26:56 Speaker 01 Correct.
26:57 Speaker 02 Bonnie Prince Billy.
26:58 Speaker 01 Amen.
26:58 Speaker 02 Niko Case.
26:59 Speaker 01 Sounds good.
27:00 Speaker 02 Frank Zappa.
27:00 Speaker 01 Big time.
27:01 Speaker 02 Freddie Mercury.
27:02 Speaker 01 Love it.
27:02 Speaker 02 God.
27:03 Speaker 00 Dead.
27:04 Speaker 02 Christ.
27:04 Speaker 00 Dead.
27:06 Speaker 01 Did I say God and Christ?
27:11 Speaker 00 What would their, what would their act be?
27:13 Speaker 01 Imagine you turn up at Later with Jules Holland, and after it's, I don't know, Mitski, suddenly there's Christ sat on a stool with an acoustic guitar. How would Jules, that would be his biggest intro.
27:30 Speaker 02 Christ.
27:30 Speaker 01 Christ. I can't do a Jules Holland. Yeah, I saw potentially one of those acts.
27:38 Speaker 02 Now I'm jealous because there's some of them that I like.
27:40 Speaker 00 I watched him playing piano with Dr John on Instagram yesterday. Amazing.
27:45 Speaker 01 So anyway.
27:46 Speaker 00 I saw Dr John live.
27:47 Speaker 01 I've got, I've got some really cool photos of it actually. So when the lineup comes out, we can put it on the car, but I got photos of potentially one of those acts.
27:56 Speaker 00 Did you meet, did you meet the act?
27:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, I met a couple of acts.
27:59 Speaker 02 Oh, great. Well, I'm glad you had fun at our team night out that neither me or Ellis were invited to, that we did invite you to in January the 8th.
28:06 Speaker 01 You could, you can maybe come another time because I've, you know, I'm now part of the later with Jules Holland scene.
28:12 Speaker 00 Did you meet Jules?
28:14 Speaker 01 No, but I watched Jules.
28:17 Speaker 00 Did Kevin McCarthy do the warm up?
28:18 Speaker 01 No, Jules does the warm up.
28:20 Speaker 00 Okay.
28:21 Speaker 01 They don't really need warm up.
28:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:22 Speaker 01 But yeah, it was fantastic.
28:26 Speaker 00 Okay.
28:26 Speaker 01 And it's all, I'll tell you what, one of the acts had to re-record a bit because there was like a technical fault.
28:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:37 Speaker 01 And they, they sort of had to restart themselves and they said, I'm just so nervous. And it was so sweet and the crowd gave them so much love because they were brilliant. But as an audience member.
28:48 Speaker 02 It's like Christ.
28:50 Speaker 01 Big first gig later with Jules Holland. It's series 68.
28:54 Speaker 00 Yeah, and he hasn't been around for 2000 years. It's like Oasis.
28:58 Speaker 02 That's reunion.
28:58 Speaker 00 Yeah. It's his first gig since the year 33.
29:02 Speaker 01 But as a, as an audience member and a music fan, I'm thinking, you can't be nervous. You're a musician.
29:08 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:08 Speaker 01 And then as the comedian part of my brain kicked in was like, oh my God, you're feeling just like I would. I would be absolutely beside myself with nerves.
29:17 Speaker 02 So what's the equivalent is the one in the comedy world?
29:20 Speaker 01 Oh yeah, like live at the Apollo.
29:22 Speaker 02 Yes.
29:22 Speaker 01 You know, the, the, the smoke goes and you've got someone with a headset on going, right, when the smoke goes, you walk 20 steps and then you turn to your left and then it's applause and then the mic goes live. Don't go over 10 minutes long. Do not go over. If you go to over 10 minutes long, we will edit it down.
29:39 Speaker 00 I did.
29:40 Speaker 01 But in a nice way.
29:41 Speaker 00 I did stand up.
29:41 Speaker 01 Would you like some grapes and Diet Coke?
29:43 Speaker 00 I did stand up on the Rob Brydon show with Bruce Forsyth and Sophie Ellis-Bextor. And there was a technical fault and I had to do my set again in front of an audience who'd heard it 90 seconds previously. So obviously they didn't laugh at any of the jokes because they'd just heard it.
29:58 Speaker 02 What would be the most?
29:59 Speaker 00 And it was horrible. So I just had to do it and pretend they were laughing.
30:03 Speaker 01 Imagine you're that band and you've played the blinding song, the most important gig of your career. Like that later with Jules Holland is, you know, one of the few ways to get music on telly.
30:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
30:15 Speaker 01 And you think, we've done it. You know, months of rehearsal and picking our outfits and making sure we're using the right song and our label are here and our PR are here. And then they go, oh, we just need you to do that again because one of the cameras wasn't focused.
30:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
30:29 Speaker 01 And you're like, but what if this one goes wrong?
30:31 Speaker 00 Yes.
30:31 Speaker 01 And they're like, okay, are you ready to go now? Cause it's not like you can go away for 10 minutes and think about it and chat about it. It's like now, you ready now to do it again now? Oh my God.
30:39 Speaker 02 I bet Jules is very comforting.
30:42 Speaker 01 Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He's.
30:43 Speaker 00 Yes. He's an absolute pro, but there's only, there's only so much you can comfort a musician when they have to do that.
30:50 Speaker 01 But they did brilliantly and everyone loved it. So that's probably out this Sunday, I would have thought on the BBC, Dave.
30:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, it is. It is. It sounds like it was a fun night. Yeah, good. I'm glad you had fun. I'm not invited to any more Jules Holland's.
31:05 Speaker 01 Well, who was on that Jules Holland?
31:07 Speaker 02 I don't know. It would have been one of the, this series. I don't know which one we.
31:10 Speaker 00 It was John the Baptist, the one Dave wanted to go to.
31:12 Speaker 01 What, what episode was it? We need to find out who was on.
31:15 Speaker 02 No, no, we just, we got an open invite. We said, if you ever want to come.
31:19 Speaker 01 Did we?
31:19 Speaker 02 To Jules. We did. I put it on, I put it on the WhatsApp group.
31:23 Speaker 01 Dave, in future.
31:24 Speaker 02 Oh, in future, I'm not going to invite you.
31:25 Speaker 01 No, Dave, in future, because you never know if I'm grumpy when I'm getting a message.
31:28 Speaker 02 No, I do.
31:29 Speaker 01 Say, John, if you're grumpy, say FAO John, if you're grumpy now, check back this message tomorrow.
31:35 Speaker 02 Yes.
31:35 Speaker 01 Yeah. And then I'll do it tomorrow. And do the same for if I'm hungry.
31:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:38 Speaker 01 If I'm filled with longing, if I am on the toilet.
31:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:43 Speaker 01 Now, actually toilet is a good time to get me because I'm rarely filled with longing.
31:50 Speaker 01 And I'm not grumpy.
31:51 Speaker 00 And it's when he's had his most sensible, actually.
31:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:53 Speaker 02 So the better way around here is I, before I tell you what I'm going to ask you, I say, John, what are you doing now and how do you feel?
32:00 Speaker 01 Yes.
32:01 Speaker 02 And you tell me what-
32:02 Speaker 01 Isn't that good communication within a relationship?
32:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, what are you doing now? How do you feel?
32:06 Speaker 01 How are you in yourself?
32:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:07 Speaker 00 Yes.
32:08 Speaker 01 Because I'm going to offer you tickets to see later with Jules Holland.
32:11 Speaker 00 Yeah. And he's got a very fast-moving WhatsApp as well. That's the thing we need to remember about John.
32:17 Speaker 01 Or maybe it was self-esteem's episode.
32:20 Speaker 02 We didn't get invited to an episode. We got invited-
32:22 Speaker 00 It was an open invite.
32:23 Speaker 02 -by one of the producers.
32:24 Speaker 01 And Ezra Furman was on that one, Dave.
32:27 Speaker 02 We weren't invited to that one.
32:28 Speaker 00 Nice one, Dave. Now he's upset.
32:31 Speaker 01 You better not text me about Jules Holland now, Dave, because I'm in a very bad mood.
32:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, so that was lovely, watching Juliet Hotel.
32:41 Speaker 00 Good.
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33:58 Speaker 04 And together we take on the hilarious challenges of modern life.
34:01 Speaker 02 William's the arbiter of etiquette.
34:03 Speaker 04 And Jordan's the chaotic yin to my perfectly polished yang.
34:07 Speaker 02 So if you want laugh-out-loud stories and brutally honest moments, then you'll love Help, I Sexed My Boss.
34:13 Speaker 04 Watch and listen every Tuesday and Friday.
34:15 Speaker 02 On YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts.
34:18 Speaker 01 Just search Sexed It.
34:19 Speaker 02 Be warned, it's a bit rude.
34:25 Speaker 01 I've also been to the Alps.
34:52 Speaker 01 Oui oui, très bien. Je suis dans ma vacance. Je suis dans ma vacance et c'était John Wins Again ou John Gagnait Encore.
35:06 Speaker 02 Oh, is that?
35:07 Speaker 01 John Gagnait Encore, David!
35:09 Speaker 02 John Wins Again?
35:10 Speaker 01 Parce que c'est je passais mes vacances dans la Françoise Alps.
35:15 Speaker 02 That is good.
35:16 Speaker 01 Oui oui, très bien.
35:20 Speaker 01 Je suis accompagné, ensemble, ensemble des amis.
35:27 Speaker 02 With your friends?
35:27 Speaker 01 Oui. Et numéro un, un picu de gueule au droit de ma chambre.
35:36 Speaker 02 We're gonna need it in English at some point.
35:38 Speaker 01 Un picu de gueule au droit de ma chambre, David.
35:43 Speaker 02 Yes.
35:44 Speaker 01 A wasp sting on my finger in the bedroom.
35:46 Speaker 02 Oh, that's a loss.
35:47 Speaker 01 Yes, that's a loss.
35:49 Speaker 02 I love being stung by a beaver. Wasps since the eighties.
35:51 Speaker 01 I don't think I ever have been.
35:53 Speaker 02 Is it very painful?
35:55 Speaker 01 Um.
35:58 Speaker 01 Yes, initially.
35:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:59 Speaker 01 My panic was that, because it was right, so I saw a wasp on my window and for some mad reason, I thought, I don't want to kill it, so I'll pick it up. So I picked it up and it immediately stung my finger.
36:11 Speaker 02 Okay.
36:11 Speaker 01 Uh, so I killed it.
36:12 Speaker 02 Well, French wasps, they're grumpy.
36:14 Speaker 01 Um, so the pain was like, it was like getting a, I guess, like a syringe in the end of your finger. And then I thought, oh, if this like swells up and annoys me for days and stops me sleeping, so I'm gonna be really angry.
36:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:25 Speaker 01 Um.
36:26 Speaker 02 Like when I jam my thumb in the window before the Admiral stuff.
36:29 Speaker 01 For the corporate event.
36:29 Speaker 02 For a corporate event.
36:30 Speaker 01 Um, but I immediately snapped into survival mode. Uh, I went into the bathroom and just rinsed it under cold water, then applied some vinegar from the kitchen.
36:42 Speaker 02 Oh.
36:43 Speaker 01 Um, because I didn't need a wee. Uh, so I can wee on it and, um, it was actually fine. I just put some, put some lip salve on it.
36:50 Speaker 02 Okay.
36:51 Speaker 01 Uh, so.
36:52 Speaker 02 That's a loss though, isn't it?
36:53 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, big time, yeah, big time. Uh, oui oui, très bien, numéro deux, no- nombre deux, numéro?
37:03 Speaker 01 Pardon?
37:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, big time.
37:04 Speaker 01 Numéro, ah, merci Michel, beaucoup escale des yeux.
37:10 Speaker 02 Oh.
37:11 Speaker 01 Oui, j'aime l'escale des yeux avec mes amis Edom Apieds.
37:16 Speaker 02 Oh, it's your learning French. Is this, is this good? I just love his accent. It's so funny.
37:20 Speaker 01 Ah, merci, merci. Uh, much climbing with the eyes.
37:25 Speaker 02 Ah.
37:27 Speaker 02 Uh, this sharpie's on its way out, Michael, sorry.
37:30 Speaker 01 Ah, le sharpie est mort, Michel, le sharpie est mort. Un autre sharpie s'il vous plaît. Oui oui, très bien.
37:40 Speaker 02 Oui oui.
37:41 Speaker 01 Merci, Michael. J'ai nagé dans le lac d'Annecy.
37:45 Speaker 02 Oh, this is a great sharpie.
37:46 Speaker 01 David.
37:47 Speaker 02 Sorry, say again.
37:48 Speaker 01 Maintenant.
37:49 Speaker 02 Afternoon.
37:50 Speaker 01 Matiné. Maintenant, j'ai nagé dans le lac d'Annecy.
37:54 Speaker 02 Oh, je ne sais pas.
37:56 Speaker 01 David. I swam in Lake Annecy. I swam in the lake.
38:01 Speaker 02 Oh.
38:01 Speaker 01 Everyone got in the lake and I was being a Billy No Swims.
38:04 Speaker 02 Why?
38:05 Speaker 01 Just because I don't like having wet feet and dust and being, having wet legs and being wet in public.
38:12 Speaker 02 I do like swimming.
38:13 Speaker 00 In lakes though.
38:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, but I immediately want a shower next to it, like one of those beach showers.
38:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
38:20 Speaker 01 You can then walk off on a non sandy route to your tower.
38:24 Speaker 00 Preach.
38:25 Speaker 01 And a spare set of clothes.
38:26 Speaker 00 The one time I wish I owned Crocs is when I'm.
38:29 Speaker 01 They're perfect for that.
38:30 Speaker 00 They are perfect for that. Although I think they're incredibly unattractive.
38:35 Speaker 01 Mais j'ai nagé dans le lac d'Annecy. I swam in Lake Annecy and I felt free.
38:41 Speaker 02 How are you spelling Annecy?
38:42 Speaker 01 Uh, A-N-N-E-C-Y. Annecy is stunning.
38:48 Speaker 00 Yes, I'd like to go there.
38:49 Speaker 01 It's like a chilled out Venice.
38:52 Speaker 00 Oh.
38:52 Speaker 01 But with a mega lake.
38:53 Speaker 00 What a great description of a place. Where do I live? A chilled out Venice with a mega lake?
38:59 Speaker 01 Uh, numéro quatre.
39:05 Speaker 01 Oui, oui, très bien. Le fusible de chauffeur sautait sans arrêt et j'ai dû faire appel à des premiers français. Oui, oui, oui, très bien.
39:15 Speaker 00 So you're to hire a car in France?
39:17 Speaker 01 Non, non, non, maintenant, en français. Écoutez, le fusible de chauffeur sautait sans arrêt. Et j'ai dû faire appel à des les premiers plombiers français.
39:30 Speaker 02 Can't wait for the subtitles on these social clips.
39:32 Speaker 01 Le premier français.
39:34 Speaker 02 How do we, how do we transcribe this?
39:36 Speaker 01 Avec ton, um, bâton de livre.
39:44 Speaker 01 Qu'est-ce que c'est, pen en français? Oui, stylo.
39:47 Speaker 02 Stylo.
39:48 Speaker 01 Avec ton stylo dans, dans le papier blanc. Oui, the hot water fuse kept tripping and I had to communicate with French plumbers.
39:58 Speaker 02 I imagine very well.
39:59 Speaker 01 No, because it turns out as soon as Duolingo is not in my hand, I say le and then panic.
40:07 Speaker 00 Yes.
40:08 Speaker 01 Bonjour, le, um, le, ar, ur, le.
40:13 Speaker 00 And they, they didn't speak English presumably.
40:15 Speaker 01 No.
40:16 Speaker 00 Sorry, what had happened to your tap?
40:18 Speaker 01 Well, the hot water ran out in the chalet we were in. And what was happening was there was obviously a problem with the coil, the heating coil in the hot water tank, and it was tripping the hot water fuse.
40:31 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:32 Speaker 01 So I got an electrician, then the electrician got a plumber, then the plumber came back with an electrician, none of whom changed anything but said it was fine. And yet the hot water fuse kept tripping.
40:45 Speaker 00 So what happened? So did you just not have showers?
40:47 Speaker 01 We had cold showers.
40:48 Speaker 00 Oh, no.
40:49 Speaker 01 Um, but it's difficult because the owners did everything they could. Like, the plumber was there within an hour on a sort of Wednesday afternoon in France. And as you know, everything's always closed in France.
41:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:02 Speaker 01 So, I don't know, I think they need a new hot water tank.
41:05 Speaker 00 That would have driven Izzy mad, cold showers. She cannot cope with the cold shower.
41:09 Speaker 01 Well, if you wait long enough for it to get to room temp, like 20 degrees, it's okay.
41:15 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
41:15 Speaker 01 But it was when, once you've run out of your 20 degree water, it is coming from a glacier in the Alps.
41:21 Speaker 00 Yeah. So you've got to be quick.
41:23 Speaker 01 You gotta be quick.
41:25 Speaker 00 And you can have a bath, either.
41:26 Speaker 01 Then weirdly it would come on. It was just very confusing.
41:30 Speaker 00 Okay.
41:31 Speaker 01 Um.
41:32 Speaker 00 So that's a loss.
41:33 Speaker 01 Oui. Oh, yeah, big time. Uh, on parc rue, la rue de Montzotin, et des nombreux crevasses formidables.
41:47 Speaker 00 It started quite well, that.
41:48 Speaker 01 Encore une fois?
41:49 Speaker 00 You almost sounded like a newsreader at the beginning of that one.
41:51 Speaker 01 On parc rue, la rue de Montzotin, et des nombreuses crevasses formidables.
42:01 Speaker 01 I traversed the road of certain death and numerous formidable curvasses, Dave.
42:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
42:09 Speaker 00 Is that a win or a loss?
42:10 Speaker 01 That's a win, a huge win.
42:13 Speaker 02 I'm gonna write this word for word.
42:14 Speaker 00 You traversed the road of certain death?
42:15 Speaker 01 Oui oui, monsieur.
42:17 Speaker 00 Doesn't sound like you.
42:17 Speaker 01 J'ai un photograph.
42:21 Speaker 01 And you can look on my Instagram.
42:22 Speaker 00 Yeah, the photos are lovely on your Instagram.
42:24 Speaker 01 Because the Alps is a screensaver a hundred percent of the time.
42:28 Speaker 00 Yes, yes.
42:29 Speaker 01 Wherever you look.
42:30 Speaker 00 Yeah. It might be the most beautiful place on earth.
42:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, easily, easy, easy, easy.
42:37 Speaker 02 That's a good tagline.
42:39 Speaker 01 The most beautiful place on earth.
42:40 Speaker 00 I don't know, the Amazon rainforest, I'm trying to think, I'm trying to think what would.
42:44 Speaker 01 Not everywhere you look in the Amazon rainforest is a screensaver.
42:46 Speaker 02 The Alps, a screensaver, a hundred percent of the time. It's a nice little tagline.
42:50 Speaker 01 Nature's screensaver.
42:51 Speaker 02 Nature's screensaver, and then easy, easy at the end.
42:55 Speaker 01 J'ai dû parvendre de tappinard.
43:01 Speaker 02 Do it again?
43:01 Speaker 01 On répétait, je répétait, j'ai été dû parvendre de tappinard.
43:09 Speaker 00 Oh, he sounds angry, so I don't think it's a win.
43:11 Speaker 01 Mince.
43:13 Speaker 02 He's frustrated.
43:16 Speaker 02 I don't know.
43:17 Speaker 01 I was tricked by a tappinard salesman.
43:19 Speaker 00 What is tappinard?
43:20 Speaker 01 Oh, I tell you what tappinard is, Ellis. Turns out, the most expensive substance on earth by weight.
43:26 Speaker 00 What is it?
43:27 Speaker 01 It's like very, very, very, very, very finely chopped olives. So it's like an olive paste. And we went to this market in, um, oh crikey, Mosellini, La Clousazze. So we went to La Marche à La Clousazze. And they've got all of the saucy song guys, they've got all the bread guys, it's gorgeous. And I get to the tappinard guy. And he's got, you know, if you go to a farmer's market, they've got those big sort of wooden barrels of olives and garlic.
43:58 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, fabulous.
43:59 Speaker 01 And hummus. Well, he had a couple of tappinards knocking around. And I tried a bit, he's handing us a bit on the crackers, and I said, oh, that's nice, I'll have some of that. So he puts his hand inside the outside of a plastic bag, like inverted, to scoop it out. And he just says, let me know how much. And he said, you can, you can tell me more or less.
44:22 Speaker 00 And you thought, I love Tappinard.
44:23 Speaker 01 Well, I thought.
44:24 Speaker 00 So I'm gonna say more.
44:25 Speaker 01 I thought he's probably going to get me an average portion of Tappinard.
44:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, and how expensive can it be?
44:31 Speaker 01 Well, exactly. It's just olives. So he scoops out one and it's, I guess it's like a handful.
44:37 Speaker 00 Right.
44:38 Speaker 01 Uh, and then I wanted the artichoke one, so he does it again. And he puts them on the scales. It's 57 euros.
44:44 Speaker 02 Oh, wow. What's that in quid?
44:46 Speaker 01 That's about, uh, 55 quid.
44:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's close, isn't it?
44:50 Speaker 00 Oh, good grief.
44:51 Speaker 01 So I bought two helpings of Tappinard for 57 euros.
44:56 Speaker 00 Did you finish it?
44:58 Speaker 01 Uh, we've, it took us a week and I was forcing everyone to have Tappinard with every meal.
45:03 Speaker 00 So it was a lot of Tappinard then?
45:05 Speaker 01 Oh, Tappinard goes a long way. Uh, the word, I would describe it as being a bit like marmite. Imagine if you'd bought sort of half a kilo of marmite for a week.
45:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's like that Tim Vine joke, you've won your lifetime supply of marmite, one jar.
45:20 Speaker 01 Yeah. So that was a negative. Um, though the Tappinard was nice, but it's not 57 euros.
45:27 Speaker 00 And you don't want to eat it with every meal for every day for a week.
45:31 Speaker 01 No, no one wants muesli with Tappinard, but they had it. Um, j'ai dévalé une montagne libérée de tous souffrances humaines. Puis, j'ai traversé une grosse bosse de vache.
45:45 Speaker 02 Oh, it sounds, uh, it sounds sexy.
45:48 Speaker 00 Okay, you, you traversed a big, uh, I don't know, I can't work that out.
45:54 Speaker 01 I ran down a mountain free from all human suffering and then I walked through a large cow pat.
46:00 Speaker 00 Okay.
46:00 Speaker 01 Bosse de vache.
46:02 Speaker 00 Oh, that's what bosse de vache is.
46:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, we were, we, we.
46:04 Speaker 00 Oh, no.
46:05 Speaker 01 I had scaled.
46:06 Speaker 00 Was it dry?
46:07 Speaker 01 Uh, no, sir.
46:08 Speaker 00 Oh, a wet one.
46:09 Speaker 01 I scaled one of the great peaks.
46:11 Speaker 00 A dry one you can handle?
46:13 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. Look, I scaled Le Col des Anes.
46:15 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
46:17 Speaker 01 Um, everyone else, uh, obviously not blessed with the natural goat-like fitness I have.
46:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:23 Speaker 01 Had descended before the peak to a café. I got down, I actually arrived at the same time as them, despite having scaled the peak of the Col des Anes.
46:32 Speaker 00 Oh, well done.
46:33 Speaker 01 I said, guys, uh, all the cars are about two kilometres down the mountain. I'll just run there and grab one of them. Uh, so I ran down the mountain feeling free and with my last footstep was in an enormous cow pat that went all over my New Balance Hieros.
46:49 Speaker 00 Oh no. Did you slip?
46:52 Speaker 01 I didn't slip.
46:53 Speaker 00 They're quite slippery cowpads when they're wet.
46:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, but the grip on a New Balance really.
46:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:58 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
46:58 Speaker 00 When they're dry, it's great.
47:00 Speaker 02 Is that as problematic? It's not as problematic as a dog poo, is it?
47:03 Speaker 01 No, I'd have gone straight home.
47:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
47:06 Speaker 01 I'd have driven straight to the airport in my bare feet.
47:08 Speaker 02 We are more forgiving.
47:10 Speaker 01 And sued France. I would have taken France to court if I'd run down the mountain feeling free from all human suffering and then stood in a dog poo.
47:18 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:20 Speaker 02 Because is it as smelly as a dog poo, a cowpaw? It's fine, isn't it?
47:23 Speaker 00 It's a different kind of smell.
47:25 Speaker 01 But it was like.
47:25 Speaker 00 It's a much more palatable smell.
47:27 Speaker 01 It was the universe's way of saying, hey, buddy, we like that you feel free when you run down the mountains with no human suffering.
47:34 Speaker 00 But no one's truly free.
47:35 Speaker 01 Exactly.
47:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:39 Speaker 00 Is that a win or a loss, though? Because you've, that's a.
47:42 Speaker 01 I'd do it again. So I think it's a win.
47:45 Speaker 00 And you've largely had a.
47:46 Speaker 01 Well, it's one all, actually.
47:47 Speaker 00 You've largely had a positive experience there.
47:50 Speaker 02 Ran down a mountain free of all human suffering is in the win column. Stood in a huge cowpaw is in the loss column.
47:55 Speaker 00 Is in the loss column.
47:57 Speaker 01 J'ai vu le mot, a eu rapporté le plus de points dans Scrabble, qui j'ai jamais vu.
48:05 Speaker 02 It's something to do with Scrabble.
48:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, he obviously won Scrabble and absolutely hammered all of his best friends.
48:13 Speaker 02 It'll be, it's gonna be a win, isn't it? It's gonna be a win.
48:17 Speaker 00 Because he's smiling.
48:18 Speaker 02 Of course.
48:20 Speaker 01 I witnessed the highest scoring word in Scrabble I have ever seen.
48:25 Speaker 02 Witnessed makes me feel like it's not John's word.
48:28 Speaker 01 It wasn't Johnny Jaer.
48:29 Speaker 00 Was it a Robin Allender?
48:31 Speaker 01 It was the lovely Robin Allender.
48:33 Speaker 02 Right.
48:33 Speaker 00 What was the word?
48:34 Speaker 01 Blithely.
48:35 Speaker 00 Oh, my gosh.
48:37 Speaker 01 Across two doubles, so double, double.
48:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
48:42 Speaker 01 Quad score. All his tiles, creating another double word with the Y at the bottom for a quite astonishing 129 points.
48:53 Speaker 02 Wow.
48:54 Speaker 01 Yeah. I think the most I've ever scored is like 109, 110, and that's rare.
49:00 Speaker 02 Who was he playing?
49:01 Speaker 01 He was playing me, Chris and the lovely Ruth.
49:04 Speaker 00 I did.
49:04 Speaker 01 Four player game.
49:05 Speaker 00 I had a dream that I rang the lovely Robin just to apologize to him last night.
49:09 Speaker 01 Oh, he'd love that.
49:10 Speaker 00 Yeah, just gave him like a hundred apologies.
49:12 Speaker 01 And then he'd apologize to you.
49:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, so that was just a real privilege to see.
49:19 Speaker 00 Oh, that's world-class gameplay.
49:21 Speaker 01 It is world-class gameplay. Chaque matin, je me révaillais au champ des oiseaux et la vue de montagne.
49:28 Speaker 00 Uh, well, you saw bird, um, on the mountain?
49:34 Speaker 01 Close. Every morning I woke to the sound of bird song and the view of the mountains.
49:40 Speaker 02 It's a win.
49:41 Speaker 01 J'ai vu tous mes amis heureux, joyeux et libres.
49:47 Speaker 00 Uh, libres?
49:49 Speaker 01 J'ai tout vu tout, j'ai vu tout, mes amis.
49:55 Speaker 00 My friends.
49:55 Speaker 01 Heureux.
49:57 Speaker 02 You're right.
49:57 Speaker 01 Joyeux. Joyeux.
50:00 Speaker 02 John's having a stroke, yeah.
50:01 Speaker 01 Et libres.
50:02 Speaker 00 Joy, um, I don't know, joyful, libre?
50:07 Speaker 01 I saw all my friends, happy, joyous and free.
50:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, that's nice. That's a lovely end.
50:12 Speaker 01 That's a hundred wins and that is the end, Dave. As I could tell from the way you looked at me that you didn't want me to say, J'ai mangé de nombreux desserts de plus en plus gourmands. I ate many desserts of increasing decadence. I know that you didn't want me to say that, Dave.
50:27 Speaker 02 No, you said it. All my friends what?
50:30 Speaker 01 Happy, joyous and free.
50:31 Speaker 02 Great.
50:33 Speaker 00 Free is nice, isn't it? Freedom.
50:36 Speaker 02 I've not been free in years.
50:38 Speaker 01 Jean Gagnier encore. John wins again. What are we at, Dave?
50:43 Speaker 00 Let me act, John. J'ai mal à la tête.
50:45 Speaker 01 J'ai mal à la tête.
50:47 Speaker 02 I've got a sore head. That works.
50:49 Speaker 01 I'm ill in the head.
50:50 Speaker 02 Ill in the head. Uh, his book is a pound.
50:55 Speaker 02 By the way, this week's rendition is called Jean Gagnier à nouveau.
50:59 Speaker 01 Jean Gagnier encore.
51:01 Speaker 02 Oh, well, I-
51:01 Speaker 01 But it could be nouveau. It could be. I think, actually, I think à nouveau is better French, but I liked Jean Gagnier encore.
51:09 Speaker 02 Climbed with the eyes, swam in the lake, traversed road of sudden death, ran down a mountain free of all human suffering, witnessed the highest word score, sound of bird song, view of mountains, saw all my friends happy, joyous and free. I'm giving you a seven.
51:22 Speaker 01 Yes, please. Sept, sept points.
51:26 Speaker 02 And then the losses: wasp sting, broken hot water pump, tricked by a tapenade salesman, stood in a huge cow pat. One, two, three, four.
51:33 Speaker 01 Quatre, quatre.
51:34 Speaker 02 Quatre.
51:35 Speaker 01 Sept quatre.
51:36 Speaker 02 Sept quatre.
51:37 Speaker 01 Jean Gagnier.
51:38 Speaker 00 Seven four.
51:40 Speaker 01 Merci.
51:43 Speaker 01 Thank you, everyone. There'll be another John Winds again very soon.
51:46 Speaker 02 That's a biggie, isn't it?
51:47 Speaker 01 It's huge. It's huge. It's the best place in the world and it's the place I feel best.
51:52 Speaker 02 Is it?
51:52 Speaker 01 Yes.
51:53 Speaker 02 You do go a lot, actually, don't you?
51:54 Speaker 01 I love it.
51:55 Speaker 02 You love it.
51:56 Speaker 01 I love it.
51:57 Speaker 00 It is good. I've been a couple of times to the Alps.
52:00 Speaker 01 I've got to move there.
52:01 Speaker 00 It's unreal, actually.
52:02 Speaker 01 It's unbelievable. And it's only a hundred quid on a plane.
52:05 Speaker 02 Is it?
52:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:07 Speaker 02 I thought it was dead, dead expensive.
52:09 Speaker 01 Oh, if you're staying in Geneva or Zurich, it's dead, dead expensive. A mate of mine, Dave, who was with us, he went skiing in Chamonix. And his mate went to the bar and bought four gin and tonics, cost him a hundred euro. A hundred euro, Dave, for four gin and tonics. Are you mad?
52:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
52:26 Speaker 01 And you can't get laughing gas out there.
52:30 Speaker 01 So you have to bring it over in your old luggage. But you'll have to lie on the forms.
52:36 Speaker 01 Don't get sweaty in customs, Dave.
52:38 Speaker 02 No.
52:38 Speaker 01 I thought you were like. You get sweaty in customs. That's why I can't take you to Ibiza.
52:43 Speaker 02 I'm not taking laughing gas to the Alps, John.
52:45 Speaker 01 Well, that's why you're not coming.
52:55 Speaker 06 I've got big news. I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh. Anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them. Everybody, listen up. Shh. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now. No trade-in needed. And the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us.
53:19 Speaker 04 Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for watch or iPad required. Addition and terms apply for all offers. Help I Sexed My Boss is the podcast where manners meets mayhem. I'm William Hanson. I'm Jordan North. And together we take on the hilarious challenges of modern life. William's the arbiter of etiquette. And Jordan's the chaotic yin to my perfectly polished yang. So if you want laugh-out-loud stories and brutally honest moments, then you'll love Help I Sexed My Boss. Watch and listen every Tuesday and Friday. On YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Just search Sexed It. Be warned, it's a bit rude.
53:59 Speaker 02 We should promote birds.
54:02 Speaker 01 We should always promote birds.
54:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, we should.
54:05 Speaker 01 Because birds keep Britain brilliant.
54:07 Speaker 02 This will be, this will be Operation Ringfence. This is ring fenced.
54:11 Speaker 01 Yeah. Birds keep Britain brilliant.
54:14 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:15 Speaker 01 Bird song.
54:15 Speaker 02 Oh, I like that.
54:16 Speaker 01 Bird song keeps Britain singing.
54:18 Speaker 02 Hmm.
54:19 Speaker 01 And Ellis and I went to watch birds, talk about birds, quiz birds and bird experts.
54:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:26 Speaker 01 At the London Blooming Wetlands Centre.
54:28 Speaker 02 In the latest edition of The Adventures of Ellis and John.
54:39 Speaker 02 This is just the music. This is just the theme to talk over.
54:41 Speaker 01 Oh, right, I see. It's not a jingle, okay.
54:43 Speaker 02 No, but it's not, it's not a montage just yet. We have got a montage, haven't we? We've got a highlights clip.
54:48 Speaker 01 So for members of the Ellis and John cinematic universe, Patreons, you can now watch in full, what is it, 4K?
54:58 Speaker 02 There are some, there are some upload permutations with Patreon, which maybe drops it down a little bit, but it's fine for what you need it for. I beamed the marathon special. We did a viewing party with my family last Saturday night of the marathon episodes. Mum and dad came round. Oh, that's lovely. And we put the marathon, the adventurous episode of the marathon on the screen. It was good enough. It was good, it was good enough for big screen.
55:20 Speaker 01 We had in conversation with Patreon about their capacity for 4K.
55:23 Speaker 02 Always in conversation with Patreon.
55:24 Speaker 01 Love Patreon. Shout out to Patreon.
55:26 Speaker 02 Decent people, decent people.
55:28 Speaker 01 Decent pixels, though, Dave was all after.
55:31 Speaker 02 But this, today's release is exciting, isn't it? Wasn't it a fun one?
55:35 Speaker 01 Oh my God. It was so exciting and I'm so glad my comment about pornography was included.
55:42 Speaker 02 In the advert?
55:43 Speaker 01 Yes, in the advert, which people who don't pay can see.
55:47 Speaker 02 We did, we went back and forth a bit on that, but I think it actually worked really nicely.
55:52 Speaker 01 Do you? Okay, great.
55:53 Speaker 02 It really made me laugh. Forgotten about that comment. Because John's comment about pornography came right after, on the screen it had said wholesome content. Yes, it really made me laugh.
56:03 Speaker 01 Also, related to John Winds again, I took an awful lot of footage in Des Alba.
56:09 Speaker 02 What did you?
56:10 Speaker 01 There will be some bonus footage of eye climbing at some point.
56:13 Speaker 02 For the Patreon members.
56:14 Speaker 01 For the Patreon. So yeah, you can head over to patreon.com/EllisonJohn to watch us going to an owl sanctuary.
56:22 Speaker 02 It was actually, it was actually really, because it felt very different. Do you like owls? Because we've done mini Olympics. Yeah. Which was quite frantic and, you know, high energy. Done them, Arro.
56:32 Speaker 01 Which was emotional.
56:34 Speaker 02 Emotional, high energy again.
56:35 Speaker 01 This is very much gone fishing.
56:37 Speaker 02 This is gone fishing, but we're going birding.
56:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, we're going birding.
56:41 Speaker 02 So it was lovely to do. And here's a little highlight of that episode.
56:44 Speaker 01 Dave, can I audition for my wildlife presenting job?
56:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, go on.
56:49 Speaker 01 Okay.
56:49 Speaker 02 Who are we in this? Are we in anything anyway?
56:51 Speaker 01 You're my guests.
56:52 Speaker 02 Okay, okay. Who's helpers?
56:54 Speaker 01 Britain is home to 10,000 hectares of wetland, but unfortunately, due to petty crime, graffiti and car theft, that wetland is under threat. I've come to WWT London Wetland Centre to find out what's being done. God, I'm good. See, is that?
57:15 Speaker 02 That's good. That was good, actually. That was one take.
57:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know.
57:19 Speaker 02 I've never seen you do anything one take before, John.
57:21 Speaker 01 Do Channel 4 want to know? No, they don't. It may not look like it, but I'm surrounded by over a thousand species of damson fly. And I've brought two young offenders with me to see how the damson fly is building back broken lives. You can do that.
57:38 Speaker 02 It is really good. It is really good. It is very impressive. There's a few more of those as well. What next for Britain's geese? Yeah.
57:50 Speaker 02 So, a lot of fun. It's on our cinematic universe. We try our best to bring out adventures at pretty much every month.
57:56 Speaker 01 We do. We don't just try our best, we do, we deliver.
57:58 Speaker 02 I know, John, but I'm just, just in case there's a week where we're delayed by it, it's nice to say we're trying our best.
58:03 Speaker 01 Uh, no, Dave.
58:04 Speaker 02 No.
58:05 Speaker 01 What was it? No, no excuses.
58:07 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
58:08 Speaker 01 Success at all costs.
58:10 Speaker 02 Over-deliver and under-promise.
58:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:13 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay. That's what I was doing.
58:15 Speaker 01 The exact opposite of my approach to the relationships.
58:23 Speaker 01 I'll give you the world and take it back one handful of sand at a time.
58:30 Speaker 02 So it's not on your dating bio, is it?
58:32 Speaker 01 No, no more. It's just a picture of me reading a PTSD manual.
58:41 Speaker 02 You've got to set your stall out.
58:42 Speaker 00 It's just two words, fix me.
58:47 Speaker 02 Patreon.com slash Alison John, you're aware of that because we're talking to our fabulous Patreon members and RSS listeners, of course.
58:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, welcome, guys.
58:55 Speaker 02 Welcome, guys. Go and head over to the old pates.
58:58 Speaker 01 And all betwixt and betwither. Okay, let's head back into the snooze zone.
59:04 Speaker 01 Well, I think it's time for us to chat to Adrian.
59:10 Speaker 04 How are you two fellows?
59:11 Speaker 00 Very good. Quick question, Adrian. Do you know who Jimmy Corkhill is?
59:15 Speaker 04 Jimmy Corkhill from Brookside?
59:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, of course. Thank you. It's just, sorry, John has got such a narrow sense of British popular culture. I knew I could rely on you.
59:26 Speaker 04 Do you know what that is? That's books. That's books. He's so lost in books and literature, he forgets what's important in life.
59:33 Speaker 00 And he only likes three things. He likes Queen Frank Zappa and his own turmoil.
59:42 Speaker 04 I certainly like one of those things.
59:47 Speaker 04 Always entertaining, not about the first two. John, let's not talk about you, let's talk to you. What have you got to say?
59:55 Speaker 01 What have I got to say? I'm getting hauled across the coal because I didn't watch Brookside. But like, the soap of choice in your household was sort of what defined you in many ways in the 80s and 90s.
1:00:08 Speaker 04 And what was yours?
1:00:10 Speaker 01 I guess it was EastEnders.
1:00:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:00:13 Speaker 01 Then my sister moved further north and she... Became part of the Coronation Street set.
1:00:18 Speaker 00 We were a big Coronation Street.
1:00:19 Speaker 01 And that was a fracture in our family. I'm not ashamed to say.
1:00:22 Speaker 00 And these standards are public, obviously.
1:00:24 Speaker 01 We were never Brookside people.
1:00:26 Speaker 00 But it was just on in the background. There was the sort of the general background hum of Jimmy Corkhill.
1:00:35 Speaker 04 I've got a question for you both. You have to keep the answers brief. I was standing on a harbour wall earlier this week. It was about four feet above the water, preparing to dive in.
1:00:46 Speaker 01 Like Reggie Perrin.
1:00:48 Speaker 04 No, no, no, not Reggie Perrin. No, no, I just had to, I just had to enter the water. And a fear consumes me whenever I try and dive. I've just, my past flashes before me. Before I hit the water. And just before I hit the water, I think I must ask Ellis and John about this, whether they feel the same. And I know you're not much of a swimmer, Ellis, but can you dive headfirst without just getting over some fear?
1:01:12 Speaker 00 No, and I, my Instagram algorithm is people jumping off cliffs. And I feel a secondhand fear just watching it on my phone. So I know exactly the fear you mean. You actually feel it in your stomach.
1:01:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, yes, there's just some, I mean, I'll jump feet first, it'd be fine, but that feels like cheating. It's just, it's just that. I'm a terrible diver. The scattering small boats, waves overwhelming small children with the with the, with the swell I cause when I hit the, hit the drink absolutely flat. But what about you, John?
1:01:49 Speaker 01 I think the thing is, it goes wrong either if you fall in or jump in. What you need to do is fall then jump. So as your sort of centre of gravity is now over the water, you then crouch and jump. Because if you fall, you kind of go in feet first to make a big splash. If you jump, you go in sort of belly first and do a big splash. You need to do both. I'm not a big fan of the diving scene, so I don't like heights.
1:02:13 Speaker 00 No, I don't like heights.
1:02:15 Speaker 04 But I mean, this was only, this was less than a metre, you know, it's, it wasn't Tom, what's his name? This was, anyway, that's useful advice. I will remember that and report back next time. Ellis and John, thank you very much indeed. They'll be on later.
1:02:35 Speaker 01 What a great chat.
1:02:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:02:38 Speaker 01 Um, let's do some correspondence. This is from, who should read this, Ellis? Because I think it might be telling me I'm one of the greats.
1:02:48 Speaker 00 Which one?
1:02:49 Speaker 01 I don't know. I've not read them.
1:02:50 Speaker 00 Okay. Well, I was this, I think I really like this. The chat on Friday's episode reminded me of an incident I'd once on train home. A guy was watching an old episode of Only Fools and Horses out loud on his phone. After quietly seething for a while, as is the British way, I walked over to him, leant over intrusively close and said, "All right, mate, seeing as I'm listening to it, I figured I might as well watch it as well."
1:03:12 Speaker 01 That's nice.
1:03:13 Speaker 00 He eventually put the phone away and I was vindicated. Cheers, Dan.
1:03:18 Speaker 01 Bit of playfulness in there.
1:03:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:20 Speaker 01 Bit of humour.
1:03:21 Speaker 00 It's not aggressive.
1:03:23 Speaker 01 No.
1:03:23 Speaker 00 But it does make the point.
1:03:25 Speaker 01 Sorry, what are you talking about?
1:03:27 Speaker 00 You know, people watching things out loud on their phone without headphones?
1:03:30 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:03:30 Speaker 00 We discussed this length last week.
1:03:32 Speaker 01 Good stuff.
1:03:32 Speaker 00 What Dan did was he went up and said, "Well, if I'm listening to it, I may as well watch it." And sort of in a sort of, "Budge up there, mate."
1:03:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:38 Speaker 00 "Budge up, let me watch Only Fools and Horses on a tiny screen on someone else's phone on the train."
1:03:42 Speaker 01 That's brilliant. Very good. Um, this is from Arthur the Solicitor. Strange that solicitors are getting in touch with us today. Have we done something wrong or have we done something right? After hearing Ellis's shock at John speaking at a law firm, I just wanted to back him up as to how fresher take old Johnny Robbins provided to a room of the country's top lawyers. Please excuse the humble brag, but I was one of said lawyers and asked if John had in fact replaced his addiction to alcohol with other less damaging, damaging obsessions like wordle. Despite the answer initially taking a strange turn of John telling me that if I accepted, my wife had already left me and I would have nothing to be upset about. His mantra of trying to live with no preference really resonated.
1:04:28 Speaker 01 Thanks so much for coming in, John. I think this could be the start of something. Who knows what could be next? Dave giving poetry lessons to accountants, Ellis teaching Welsh to architects, all the best, Arthur the solicitor. I had forgotten that a guy asking a lighthearted question about Wordle led me to suggest his wife had already left him.
1:04:50 Speaker 01 But it's an extension of the glass is already broken.
1:04:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:53 Speaker 01 Your wife has already left you.
1:04:55 Speaker 00 This is a planned ick-based breaker. Dearest gatekeepers of good content, like that. I have an example of a late-term terminal ick for you, though not sure it's exactly what John had in mind. This was a carefully planned and strategic ick, and two years in, but that's long-term to me, so it does count, not long after I'd started dating my last boyfriend, my best friend Lou, who works in cybercrime. It's important to note here that the following was not done on any work access systems, just normal social media using her carefully honed skills, was buried deep in his mum's Facebook, doing a customary background check. She groaned and declared she'd found a photo I would hate. She asked me if I wanted to see it, but at this point, I really quite liked him and thought he was
1:05:38 Speaker 00 a thoroughly good egg, so I declined. We decided, though, to keep said picture as a break glass in case of emergency ick. Sure enough, after a couple of years, I started to realise that this once delightful egg was starting to rot. But when I tried to discuss my suspicions, he fobbed me off, and I began to descend into a self-perpetuating, gaslighting spiral of confusion and disbelief. I had no proof, but only vibes. Lou, ever the helpful and pragmatic friend, reminded me of our emergency backup plan. Suffice to say, that knowing me as she does, the picture of him wearing suit trousers that bordered on skinny jeans and brogues without socks, ankles rolled outwards, balancing on the sides of his naked feet, did the trick and gave me the strength to do an immediate dump. Turns out, he'd been cheating on me for about six months.
1:06:22 Speaker 01 Oh, no way!
1:06:24 Speaker 00 So my vibes were very right, and I was vindicated shortly after. I can't recommend the technique enough. It worked a treat and saved my little heart from further torment. Long live the ick, I say. Lots of love, Claire in leafy chest. Well done, Claire.
1:06:38 Speaker 01 Can I just say, leave, don't cheat.
1:06:41 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:06:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, absolutely.
1:06:42 Speaker 01 Not rocket science, is it?
1:06:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:06:45 Speaker 02 No.
1:06:45 Speaker 01 Just leave.
1:06:46 Speaker 00 I admire Claire in leafy Cheshire.
1:06:48 Speaker 01 Well done, Claire.
1:06:49 Speaker 00 Well done, Claire.
1:06:50 Speaker 02 Have you ever worn a suit without socks?
1:06:53 Speaker 01 Unfaithful then. Crikey Moses, but no.
1:06:56 Speaker 00 A suit without socks, no.
1:06:58 Speaker 02 No.
1:06:59 Speaker 00 You just look like you're from Essex and you're going to watch the boxing if you do that.
1:07:03 Speaker 01 Oh, dear.
1:07:04 Speaker 02 You've just alienated a hell of a lot of probably riddled souls of the people who listen to this podcast.
1:07:08 Speaker 01 I thought you liked sport and sports fans and region sellis.
1:07:12 Speaker 00 There was no.
1:07:12 Speaker 01 It turns out none of them are true.
1:07:13 Speaker 02 You've got a fashionable denim jacket on now.
1:07:15 Speaker 00 There was no value judgment in that. I said, that's just what you look like.
1:07:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:19 Speaker 00 But I didn't say it was positive or a negative.
1:07:22 Speaker 01 But people who cheat on their partners and get left are probably from Essex and like boxing.
1:07:27 Speaker 02 No, no, absolutely not.
1:07:29 Speaker 00 It's just that's the look that this person had adopted.
1:07:31 Speaker 01 Right.
1:07:32 Speaker 00 To become a cheat.
1:07:34 Speaker 02 Two separate things.
1:07:35 Speaker 00 Okay. Two separate things.
1:07:38 Speaker 01 Right, everyone, thank you so much for listening. We will be speaking to you again on Saturday on BBC Sounds.
1:07:44 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:07:45 Speaker 01 And on Tuesday, everywhere.
1:07:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, big old ep coming on Tuesday.
1:07:49 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, massive it is.
1:07:51 Speaker 02 Big old ep.
1:08:05 Speaker 06 I've got big news. I switched to Verizon and got the new iPhone 18 Pro. Shh. I can keep my old phone and I also get the latest iPhone every year. Shh, anything else? Verizon let me choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on them.
1:08:19 Speaker 02 Everybody, listen up.
1:08:20 Speaker 06 Shh. Switch to Verizon and get the new iPhone 18 Pro now. No trade in needed and the latest iPhone every year with Simplicity Plan. Plus, choose Apple Watch Series 12 or iPad on us. Simplicity Plan with Simplicity Pro required. Plan and device payment purchase are separate agreements with separate terms. Service plan for Watch or iPad required. Additional terms apply for all offers.
1:08:37 Speaker 03 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.
1:08:46 Speaker 03 Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. They said, you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble. But was he set up?
1:08:53 Speaker 00 Wanted, I've fled to fall of two cops.
1:08:55 Speaker 03 His family say he is guilty, but of a totally different crime.
1:09:01 Speaker 05 You're not going to end up going to prison, are you, kidlet?
1:09:03 Speaker 03 I'm Josie Long and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
1:09:12 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.
1:09:18 Speaker 00 And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.
1:09:22 Speaker 01 Plus, you can find all things E J J R, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.
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