Pod Insights Elis James and John Robins #535 - Heck & Mess, John’s Grave Lecture and A Walk-Walk Technique About this episode It’s a funny old episode today due to the circular way this podcast is recorded. In one sense you could say that John and Dave HAVE run the marathon (indeed post-mara John does make a brief appearance), but in another, very real sense you could argue that they HAVEN’T run the marathon.
Did they finish it? Who knows (yes they did). How did it go? We’ll have to find out (John was caught lubing his nether regions). Was a new world record achieved? Maybe (it was, but by whom?). All answers to be revealed in a completely unconfusing way in our next episode.
But onto today’s pod, and it’s a biggie. There's a lot of exploding going on, some life lessons are learned, and PM John faces some tough questions about his conduct.
All this, plus a debut death-themed game and a coffee machine meltdown.
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Transcript 12,826 words · 7 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.
0:04 Speaker 01 If you head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including...
0:10 Speaker 00 Miniumpicks.
0:11 Speaker 01 It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.
0:14 Speaker 00 Birdwatching.
0:15 Speaker 02 My two favourite things are birds and football.
0:18 Speaker 01 And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.
0:22 Speaker 03 So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.
0:26 Speaker 01 Ellis is there as well, Dave.
0:27 Speaker 02 We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.
0:32 Speaker 00 So, for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisonjohn now.
0:40 Speaker 04 Network freedom and flexibility, that's what you want in a healthcare plan. With a Humana Medicare Advantage PPO plan, you can see any doctor in the country who accepts Medicare, including specialists. No referrals, no kidding. Learn more at gethumana.com. See any doctor who accepts Medicare and is willing to bill Humana. Humana PPOs may not be available in all areas. Benefits and costs share may vary. Humana is a Medicare Advantage PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.
1:30 Speaker 00 Hello, listeners. Welcome to Ellis and John, and because of the unique way we record this podcast, I'm having to predict the future. We are recording this a few days before the London Marathon, though it will have happened by the time you hear this. It is an event that has dominated the thoughts of Dave and John, has seen them both raise an astonishing £71,000 for standing together against domestic abuse and prevent breast cancer. And in the opinion of some, the end of the marathon will conclude a period of constant running chat that has proven to be an all-time low in the history of this show. Our Raja figures are down, the show's no longer funny, but our agent has assured us that Dave and John's incredible efforts in turning a programme that used to be two stand-up comics chatting into the greatest public health initiative since the polio
2:15 Speaker 00 vaccine will not go unnoticed when we renegotiate our contract with the BBC. When we first began our tenure on Five Live in May 2019, people said that for a station that has largely news and sport remit, we were too different, too challenging, too dangerous. Over the last six months, there has been so much running chat, Steve Cram sent a letter to the head of the station asking us to chill out for his own mental health. But let's look at that figure again. At time of recording, it's over £71,000 raised for charity. John used to claim that he couldn't run because his bones were so dense that it made his body too heavy. So let the man talk about his aerobic pace, let Dave talk about his calf, let them enjoy
3:00 Speaker 00 the enormous achievement that is running a marathon. As far as I can tell, there are three possible scenarios for Sunday, April 26. Scenario number one: Dave runs a three-hour, one-second time. Oh, no. I've been livid. Missing his target by a footstep, and John is somehow overtaken by Ivo Graham, who was pushing Rosie Jones, even though they haven't entered. Ivo's wearing work shoes and a David Byrne baggy suit, and they did the Manchester Marathon last week. In response to this, both John and Dave explode. So many people complain about the mess, this makes the London Marathon is cancelled forever, and by order of royal decree, I am prevented from ever podcasting again, and I retrain as a tree surgeon.
3:45 Speaker 00 Scenario number two: John finishes in a time he's really pleased with, and as he's running over Tower Bridge, he realises that incredibly, amazingly, somehow, running the marathon has solved all of his problems. He then realises that being able to buy a slotted spoon or dehumidifier without hours of introspection has robbed him of his comedic gifts, meaning he's now technically unemployable as a stand-up, and he explodes again. Despite the nickel in his calf, Dave runs a 2:59 marathon and crosses the line, hand in hand with his arch nemesis, George Lewis. That'll be nice. They French kiss at the finish line, and Benetton offers them both a maldling contract. Yeah.
4:30 Speaker 00 But George's wife and Hannah say it's hot, hot, hot.
4:35 Speaker 00 Scenario number three, I've never met anyone who has prepared as diligently for anything, which means the unimaginable happens. John wins. Two of the race favourites, Sebastian Sarmey and Jacob Kiplimo, ask John to leave broadcasting and take up coaching, an offer he gladly accepts, something that makes me technically unemployable until I explode. Dave is ankle tapped by George Lewis at the finish line, Brits has raced and registers as a did not finish. George then goes into hiding at a resort in Colorado that is sponsored by New Balance. And that's it. I cannot see how it will go in any other way. We really value the opinion of our listeners on this show.
5:16 Speaker 00 We conducted a listening exercise. A proportion of you want the running chat to end. And now, after a mere eight and a half months, we've listened. Apart from today, we're going to go quite big on it this today and probably next week as well. Few bits and bobs, few bits and bobs. But how are you both feeling? Obviously you've done it by now.
5:35 Speaker 01 So in the first two scenarios, you don't explode.
5:38 Speaker 00 I don't know. I'd retrain as a tree surgeon in the first one.
5:41 Speaker 01 In the second scenario, Dave doesn't explode. I don't explode in the third scenario.
5:47 Speaker 00 No, you just move to Ethiopia to become a running coach.
5:50 Speaker 01 There's a 66.6 recurring chance I explode.
5:53 Speaker 00 Yeah, dangerous, isn't it?
5:54 Speaker 01 That is, does feel dangerous.
5:56 Speaker 00 And you're nervous enough already.
5:57 Speaker 01 Yes. Well, because we, we talked about quite a lot about pre-marathon stuff last week, we're not going to go into too much detail today. But as we said, we haven't run it yet. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask myself some questions that we will record after the marathon for me to answer.
6:16 Speaker 00 Oh, nice.
6:18 Speaker 01 So I've got the, the three questions I want to ask myself for my three possible scenarios. Okay. John, a new world record, how does it feel?
6:30 Speaker 01 Feels good. It's a new global Guinness book of world records for a John Robins marathon. And you've got to be happy with that. In the region of four hours forty-something, Guinness are just calibrating various photo finishes and timing sponsored by Rolex. So I'm pleased. I did actually meet the team from Guinness and they've given me verbal confirmation of a new John Robins marathon world record. John, no world record, but you have to be happy with the win.
7:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, I saw two guys going for sub-two hours and I thought, you know what? It's time for the next generation to come through. So I beat them, but let them have the world record by coming behind them, but I'd started earlier. And that's how I'm going to navigate that question. Because obviously, reports are unconfirmed. Still, things have to be ratified by the IAAF. But yeah, I won. I didn't get the world record, but two runners did get the world record. But that wasn't me, but I did still win. Or, John, you are a failure. You are a disgrace and you've let yourself down. Yeah.
7:53 Speaker 01 What would you like to say to the nation? I have heard. I shot for the moon and hit a Tesco Express. I flew too close to the sun for about one kilometre. And I thought, it's very hot. I'm going to get away from the sun and I'm going to, towards the end, use a run-walk technique that I then evolved on the fly into a walk-walk technique.
8:23 Speaker 01 And already, talk in the international running scene is about the future of the walk-walk technique for breaking barriers, hands across the ocean, international diplomacy and AI. So those are the three questions I can ask myself.
8:45 Speaker 00 That's the thing, it's quite black or white, isn't it?
8:46 Speaker 03 So you're gonna, are you gonna answer all three of those? Because how do you answer the first one if you've not?
8:50 Speaker 01 Well, no, I won't, I won't answer the, if I win, but I don't get a world record.
8:56 Speaker 03 Yeah.
8:56 Speaker 01 I won't answer the first or the last.
8:58 Speaker 03 Oh, so they'll just slide on by.
9:00 Speaker 01 Oh, I should ask some more questions, shouldn't I?
9:02 Speaker 03 Yeah, I can get a few more answers.
9:04 Speaker 01 John Chafing, did you remember to lube? Because you always forget one thing before a long run. Did you forget one thing today? Usually it's the bot-bot.
9:16 Speaker 03 Bot-bot.
9:18 Speaker 01 I did remember to lube. I lubed twice, once whilst I was being approached by a media representative from the BBC to tell me that Gabby Logan wanted to interview me. My hands were down my pants with a body glide stick, applying a second coat to the twig, the berries, the inner thigh, the outer buttock, and there's no easy way of saying this, the anus.
9:43 Speaker 00 You've brought me some maths magic, I can't wait to use that.
9:46 Speaker 03 Yeah?
9:46 Speaker 01 Yeah. John, did you, did anyone fall in love with you? Did anyone fall in love with me? Hmm, is the nation anyone?
9:57 Speaker 01 Is Britain anyone?
10:01 Speaker 01 I don't think anyone fell in love with me. I thought there were lots of proposals happening until I realised it was just people stretching out their hamstrings.
10:09 Speaker 01 But I didn't see any proposals, but I haven't yet checked my DMs or my texts.
10:14 Speaker 00 I think that'll happen.
10:15 Speaker 01 Do you reckon?
10:16 Speaker 00 I went to watch the Swansea QPR last night.
10:18 Speaker 01 And everyone fell in love with me.
10:19 Speaker 00 No, but somebody.
10:20 Speaker 01 All the players.
10:21 Speaker 00 Someone came up to me at Sheppesbush train station and said, where can I watch John on Sunday? And I said, don't worry, there'll be a zone.
10:29 Speaker 00 Uh, yeah, obviously you'll be on the BBC.
10:30 Speaker 01 I'll be live on the BBC. They got one camera on the elite group, then one camera on me.
10:35 Speaker 03 You are on the BBC, aren't you? On the morning.
10:37 Speaker 00 I watched it last year and they stopped Mark Chapman during the run.
10:42 Speaker 01 Well, this is the thing.
10:43 Speaker 00 So you're gonna do that?
10:44 Speaker 01 No, I don't want them to stop me. I might get all seized up and I might not be able to brag.
10:50 Speaker 03 Absolutely, absolutely.
10:52 Speaker 00 You know, he was, I can't remember where he was, but he, but he's just, he, they just, they went, Mark, Mark. And he was like, yeah.
10:59 Speaker 00 It's a great achievement, love it.
11:00 Speaker 01 You sort of have to, to, to get your charities some much needed coverage, I think, but I would be cursing the interviewer.
11:08 Speaker 00 Also, camera, camera people have got so many long leads and cables.
11:12 Speaker 01 Hmm.
11:13 Speaker 00 It would be impractical for the, for the camera person to be running along, sort of running backwards with all those thousands of people so that it does not, or affect your time.
11:21 Speaker 01 Ellis, have you got any questions to ask me in the future or Dave in the future?
11:25 Speaker 00 Have you enjoyed it?
11:26 Speaker 03 That's a good question at the end. Yeah. Did, did John, John?
11:32 Speaker 03 John?
11:33 Speaker 01 John, did John enjoy it? That's, that, we need to come up with something better than that. John, did you enjoy it?
11:41 Speaker 03 Well, at the finish line, you're gonna hate every, you're gonna hate what's just happened in a way because it's, because it's, it's full on, it's full on. Whereas.
11:50 Speaker 00 I saw Ramesh Ranganathan the other day and he said that the second half is a kind of fatigue that he's never experienced before.
11:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's good stuff.
11:58 Speaker 00 It's good stuff.
11:59 Speaker 03 Anyway, we shouldn't let it, that's good, good set of questions.
12:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So many of those questions were world record or sort of, you know, Olympic record orientated. I think they're really, really sensible questions for, in his own words, a man who picks up injuries like an old man falling down a hill.
12:17 Speaker 01 So Ellis, what you been up to?
12:19 Speaker 00 Uh, I went to watch the Swans play QPR. That was actually quite good fun, but I mean, the standard was very low in the first half. I went to fly a kite. I did a stand up at a PTA event because I like to give things back.
12:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
12:36 Speaker 00 Um, and I don't know how this has gone yet, but I tried to come reconnect with the director of an insurance company at a big corporate event. So it's been quite an up and down week.
12:45 Speaker 03 But that's not happened yet.
12:46 Speaker 00 That hasn't happened yet. So I'm still very nervous about it, which is why I've got my suit and 18 different clothing options in a suitcase.
12:52 Speaker 03 That's fine. Surely you know how to come reconnect.
12:55 Speaker 00 I do know how to come reconnect, but I'm worried that, you know, there's going to be an awful lot of pressure on me. It's a big old do, Dave.
13:01 Speaker 03 Is it?
13:01 Speaker 00 And if I don't get it wrong, I look like a, I look like, I just look like someone who tells lies. Imagine if I just stand up and say, hello, I bet you I know someone you know. And they go, all right then.
13:11 Speaker 03 But they asked.
13:11 Speaker 00 Give me a minute. And then I say, you know, what's age in school? And then it just, I don't know.
13:16 Speaker 01 But they'll be shouting it out.
13:17 Speaker 00 I'd like to think so.
13:19 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:19 Speaker 00 I'd like to think so. I don't know. But what have you been up to, Dave?
13:23 Speaker 03 Uh, the twins turned six on Saturday and we had a party for 32 children.
13:29 Speaker 01 Oh, my good lord.
13:31 Speaker 03 We went to.
13:32 Speaker 01 That's like a classroom under Thatcher.
13:36 Speaker 01 And probably now.
13:37 Speaker 03 Oh, the massive. Classes are massive again.
13:40 Speaker 01 Good grief.
13:40 Speaker 00 We did that for my daughter's fifth birthday when everyone got an invite.
13:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:44 Speaker 00 And the last 10 minutes, I felt like I, it was like it was a biblical test.
13:51 Speaker 03 Well, there was what I'm.
13:52 Speaker 00 And you've got to be out the community centre by five.
13:54 Speaker 03 Oh, big time.
13:55 Speaker 00 There'll be a bridge club or something happening.
13:57 Speaker 03 Yeah, lovely little hall we were in.
13:58 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. So you're sweeping up and there's, the kids are crying and yeah.
14:02 Speaker 03 It's quite nostalgic. I've not been in that hall since I was about six because Beavers was there.
14:06 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
14:07 Speaker 03 And I went, it smelt the same. It's mad how smell can just take you back 34 years.
14:12 Speaker 01 But it's also mad how a room can smell the same for 30 years.
14:16 Speaker 03 Yes.
14:16 Speaker 01 Cleaning products have changed in that time.
14:18 Speaker 00 Yes, weird, isn't it?
14:19 Speaker 01 It's been redecorated.
14:20 Speaker 00 But chapels smell the same. I don't know what it is about chapels. They've got the same chapel smell.
14:24 Speaker 01 Tend not to get like refurbished every 10 years.
14:28 Speaker 00 No, no, that's true.
14:29 Speaker 01 I'm just trying to think.
14:30 Speaker 00 And funky pump doesn't happen in a chapel, does it?
14:32 Speaker 01 How would I approach?
14:34 Speaker 00 Or zumba.
14:35 Speaker 01 How would I approach a party for 32 kids?
14:40 Speaker 01 It's like a hired space.
14:41 Speaker 03 Hired space.
14:42 Speaker 01 It's just pizza, isn't it? Like delivery of.
14:44 Speaker 03 No, no, no.
14:45 Speaker 00 Did you have an entertainer?
14:46 Speaker 03 Sublime Science. What's that mean? It's like kids' science lesson. It's a really good idea, actually. That's good. Because I was worried, because usually it's Disco Dave or Magic Mike and they're wacky and.
14:57 Speaker 01 And they're all you. And you, you're good at Disco Dave, but Magic Mike is a stretch because he's also a stripper. And you, the parents take you to one side and say, not, not.
15:10 Speaker 03 Could we have had Disco Dave?
15:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:12 Speaker 03 We did ask for Disco Dave.
15:13 Speaker 01 So you try and sort of do that trick where it makes you look like your thumb's sort of coming up, but then you're too flustered.
15:19 Speaker 00 I remember I went to a party and there was, it was an all, an all round entertainer who did a bit of magic and he did a disco and he did some party games and he was having the time of his life. And I was chatting to him as he got undressed next to a tea urn. I thought, how do you do it, mate?
15:36 Speaker 03 It's, it's admirable.
15:38 Speaker 00 It is admirable.
15:39 Speaker 03 Because kids at that age.
15:40 Speaker 00 I should have paid him 20,000 pounds.
15:42 Speaker 03 You should have. So we had Sublime Science, um, which was fantastic and they learnt how to make slime. So we sent. Slime is huge. It's huge. And actually, I, I hate it when my kids come back with slime for a party.
15:54 Speaker 00 Me too, yeah. I've been some slime the other day.
15:55 Speaker 03 Same thing. And I felt bad and I said, Hannah, we've just, we've ruined.
15:58 Speaker 00 You've, you've.
15:59 Speaker 03 Thirty parents.
16:00 Speaker 00 You've added to the slime economy.
16:02 Speaker 03 But we thought a few of the parents were going to stick around, right?
16:04 Speaker 01 For a big lash. So you've got to shed loads of coke.
16:09 Speaker 01 He'd like spend 500 quid.
16:11 Speaker 03 No, it's one in the afternoon.
16:13 Speaker 00 Well, you've got to stipulate though, that it's, that it's not a, a sort of a drugs party.
16:20 Speaker 01 You've got to put on the invite.
16:21 Speaker 03 Just for the record, after last month's disaster, this isn't a drugs party this time.
16:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. That it's not, that it's not a drop and drop and go.
16:28 Speaker 03 Well, we, we kind, we kind of had suggested that it would be, if you want to drop your kids, that's fine. But on the morning Hannah was like, Meg from Sublime Science is going to be letting off rockets in the car park.
16:40 Speaker 01 That's quite cool.
16:41 Speaker 03 It's very cool. It was like pressure bottles that flew in the air and really high.
16:45 Speaker 01 Like Mentos in Diet Coke.
16:46 Speaker 00 I did Mentos in Diet Coke.
16:48 Speaker 03 Exactly. So Meg was out there.
16:50 Speaker 00 Killed a seagull.
16:53 Speaker 03 So we thought, we're gonna have to take kids by the hat, or basically corral, herd thirty two kids into a car park and then back into the hut afterwards. So we put a poll on the WhatsApp group. We know, you know, we know there's a problem. We gave an option earlier in the week, so just wondering who's staying and who's going. Thirty no's on the poll came back. So it suddenly became apparent.
17:14 Speaker 00 They'd have made other plans.
17:15 Speaker 03 Of course, and we would have done the same. But then it suddenly became apparent there was kind of five parents to try and corral thirty two kids into a car park and back again. Do you?
17:24 Speaker 00 Because I'm worried that it's gonna turn into a clash of head zone.
17:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:28 Speaker 00 And then, you know.
17:29 Speaker 01 But say, like.
17:30 Speaker 00 Get a text message.
17:31 Speaker 01 The other day you were talking about going on school trips as like a volunteer parent helper.
17:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:36 Speaker 01 And it was like four kids to every adult.
17:38 Speaker 03 I've not done that. Ellis is big in that scene.
17:40 Speaker 00 Love it, yeah.
17:41 Speaker 01 Well, Ellis seems to operate solely either in schools or with people who are at school at the minute.
17:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving something back.
17:49 Speaker 01 So.
17:50 Speaker 00 I'm on such an A level at local sixth form.
17:52 Speaker 01 And I'm guessing like if you're a scout troop, there are laws about the amount of kids per scout leader and your qualifications and all that stuff. If you're just organising a party.
18:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
18:04 Speaker 01 Can you just like be one person for a hundred kids?
18:06 Speaker 00 Two words, international waters.
18:09 Speaker 03 It kind of, it is. Yeah, it is. So you've got to make a call. Molecular Meg, that was her name, because she's applied science. Molecular Meg was great, by the way. But no, we thought, there's five or six parents here. That's just about enough to, you take five kids, you do not lose sight of the five kids.
18:28 Speaker 00 Five you can cope with.
18:29 Speaker 03 Five is all right. You keep them close. And then they watch the rocket go into the sky, Mentos everywhere. Everyone's having a great time. Get your kids back into the blooming hut.
18:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:38 Speaker 03 And we did it and we managed it. We didn't lose any kids. But it's good. It's fun. I think once you get into the zone of the fact that this is hard now for the next two hours, it's quite fun.
18:47 Speaker 00 Senses are heightened.
18:48 Speaker 03 Yeah. I got locked in the blooming.
18:50 Speaker 00 It's crazy.
18:51 Speaker 03 I got locked in the store cupboard because I got tasked with blowing up thirty massive balloons. The balloons kept popping around me. So I'm there blowing up like a big punch balloon. There was clearly some glass on the floor.
19:01 Speaker 01 What's a punch? Balloon.
19:02 Speaker 03 Like a slightly bigger one that's thicker, so it makes a louder bang when it pops, let me tell you that. And you've got a little string on it, he goes.
19:09 Speaker 00 I, I love that kind of job though, cause you just let me go on with it and I go into the stock up and I blow up the balloons.
19:16 Speaker 03 It's quite traumatic.
19:17 Speaker 00 If you just let me sweep, I will do that.
19:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
19:20 Speaker 01 Isn't it mad I will never experience any of that?
19:23 Speaker 03 It's, you're not, you're not missing out.
19:26 Speaker 01 No, I don't feel like I am.
19:28 Speaker 03 This is, it's a rite of passage for kind of parents that.
19:31 Speaker 00 You've got friends with kids, you could just turn up.
19:33 Speaker 03 Yeah, nice little surprise stand up set.
19:36 Speaker 01 Yes.
19:37 Speaker 03 He gives back like Alice is giving back.
19:39 Speaker 00 Did you ever do comedy for kids?
19:40 Speaker 01 Molecular Meg and melancholy John. She's gonna put Mentos into Diet Coke instead of rockets, so he's gonna read you T S Eliot and cry.
19:48 Speaker 00 John's gonna talk about grave issues.
19:53 Speaker 01 John's grave lecture.
19:57 Speaker 00 And you could do it, it could be said to with an actor.
19:59 Speaker 01 I could do meditation class.
20:00 Speaker 00 They would learn.
20:01 Speaker 01 Everyone to be like a mountain.
20:02 Speaker 00 Kids meditation, cause my, cause my daughter finds out to sleep, sweet me, it's a deep breathing.
20:07 Speaker 01 We would just all sleep, cause kids love sleeping, don't they?
20:10 Speaker 03 Not at a party.
20:11 Speaker 01 Don't they?
20:12 Speaker 03 No. Not at one P M on a Saturday afternoon when they are off their bounces on sweets.
20:17 Speaker 01 Well, that's where melancholy John comes in, because there's no sweets at his party.
20:22 Speaker 00 No.
20:23 Speaker 01 There's just crackers, plain crackers.
20:25 Speaker 00 Celery.
20:26 Speaker 01 Clac, clac, crackers and celery. And if you're lucky, one of those awful sugar free sweets you get in health shops.
20:34 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got my kids seven though. My youngest son is, child is seven, so I'm already.
20:41 Speaker 03 You're on the way out.
20:42 Speaker 00 They're already getting a bit easier, these parties.
20:44 Speaker 03 Well, they get smaller as well.
20:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, because it just becomes your core group.
20:48 Speaker 01 Because your whole life is basically shedding friends until it's just you and death.
20:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's just melancholy John popping up.
20:57 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:57 Speaker 01 I'd say, hello everyone, welcome along.
21:00 Speaker 03 This is the most friends you'll ever have.
21:02 Speaker 01 Last year, there were thirty two people here.
21:04 Speaker 03 Now there's twenty, you're shedding.
21:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, so twenty minus, uh, well, thirty two minus twelve is twenty. You've lost twelve friends.
21:13 Speaker 03 Next year, it will be eight, the big eight, but there'll be strange playground politics, which means that you won't like two of them.
21:22 Speaker 00 How's that make you feel?
21:24 Speaker 01 By the time you're in your 50s, at this rate, you'll be down to just two.
21:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, you're letting a one friend, your Apple Watch.
21:31 Speaker 01 I don't shout like Ellis does though.
21:33 Speaker 03 No, yours is, yours is different.
21:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, I'm a sergeant major.
21:36 Speaker 03 Yeah, you're angry at life. John isn't actually angry at life.
21:39 Speaker 01 Not angry, it's about acceptance.
21:40 Speaker 00 It's about acceptance. Yeah, he doesn't raise his voice during his lecture for six year olds.
21:45 Speaker 03 No.
21:46 Speaker 00 I'm shouting.
21:47 Speaker 01 What are they drinking? Is there a big squash scene?
21:50 Speaker 03 Big squ- uh, fruit shoot scene.
21:51 Speaker 00 Of course.
21:52 Speaker 03 Fruit shoots everywhere.
21:53 Speaker 00 Right.
21:54 Speaker 03 Uh, sandwiches. There was a lot of, I ate a lot of hobnobs because there was hobnobs for the parents. But not many of the parents sold them hobnobs.
22:02 Speaker 00 Or something I find really weird, because I don't think my parents did this when I was growing up. There's now booze at kids' parties for the other parents. And I do not remember that when I was little.
22:13 Speaker 03 There wasn't any hours actually on the side today.
22:15 Speaker 01 Because the alcohol industry has somehow, and I can't quite work this out, placed themselves as the sort of number one parental coping mechanism.
22:25 Speaker 00 Mad. Yeah, yeah. But you often turn up at a kid's party, there'll be like loads of Peroni. You know, I was, why?
22:33 Speaker 00 It's really, but I don't, when I, I remember kids, my own birthday parties, the parents weren't boozing. That's very, when did that come in?
22:42 Speaker 03 I think it's, it's been in for a while. The 90s, parents were getting hammered with it.
22:46 Speaker 01 I think it's prosecco o'clock and gin o'clock and all that, you know, don't talk to me unless I've had a litre of gin.
22:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:56 Speaker 01 Those things you see in TK Maxx.
22:58 Speaker 03 A litre?
22:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:00 Speaker 00 Yeah.
23:01 Speaker 01 It's 10 a, it's 10 a.m. somewhere.
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23:48 Speaker 01 Ellis is going to attempt to come reconnect with the managing director of an insurance company this weekend. So in order to prepare for that, we're going to get him on the training pitch. In our weekly race against the clock, can Ellis find a connection with a fellow Welsh person in just 60 seconds? It's the Cymru connection.
24:08 Speaker 05 It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection, but his questions have one direction. Where did you go to school? Do you know David Evans? No. Come on, mate, you must do. No, we've never met at all.
24:37 Speaker 01 Dave, do you know last week, one of my wins was that I fashioned a coffee bag out of an espresso pod and a tea bag?
24:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:45 Speaker 01 Because then the espresso machine in my hotel was broken.
24:47 Speaker 00 Yes.
24:48 Speaker 01 I've just been sent a video by the hotel company of the handyman making it work, and I feel humiliated.
24:55 Speaker 00 That's where you went a bit quiet.
24:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:58 Speaker 00 Was it just the power button?
24:59 Speaker 01 It can't have been.
25:01 Speaker 00 What did he do, though? Have you seen the video?
25:03 Speaker 01 Well, the annoying thing is, is the video is just of him making an espresso. It's not of him plugging it in and turning it on.
25:12 Speaker 00 It might be a new machine. They might be messing with your mind.
25:14 Speaker 01 Exactly. And I think this is a fit up.
25:17 Speaker 00 Why are they sending you a video of that? It's almost rubbing it in.
25:20 Speaker 01 I sent them a message saying that an espresso machine is broken. Have you got any spares?
25:23 Speaker 00 Right.
25:24 Speaker 01 And they've just sent me this, this harrowing account.
25:27 Speaker 00 Oh, no.
25:28 Speaker 01 Of an espresso, but it's already on when he presses the button.
25:32 Speaker 00 Definitely same machine that you were using.
25:33 Speaker 01 Well, I wouldn't, I should have put my initials on it or something in case this happened. But that's so like...
25:40 Speaker 00 Oh, it looks nice as well, actually, John.
25:41 Speaker 01 But it wouldn't turn on, and I'm not an idiot.
25:44 Speaker 00 There's too much content in the world now, isn't there? Not that John now has a video on his phone of a handyman.
25:50 Speaker 01 Hang on, that is a different one. It's a different plug.
25:52 Speaker 00 How do you know that?
25:53 Speaker 01 It's a different plug.
25:54 Speaker 00 They're messing with your mind. What are they doing?
25:58 Speaker 01 You son of a gun.
25:59 Speaker 00 They're gaslighting you, John. This is horrendous.
26:02 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
26:03 Speaker 00 But you're so fragile.
26:04 Speaker 01 I'm gonna reply.
26:06 Speaker 00 What if he... What if this ends him?
26:11 Speaker 00 This is our fu-
26:12 Speaker 03 Do you think I was born yesterday?
26:13 Speaker 00 This is the last broadcast. I don't like that at all. Do you want to name and shame the brand?
26:19 Speaker 01 No.
26:20 Speaker 03 No, we can't because they have had him off an absolute treat here.
26:23 Speaker 00 They have.
26:24 Speaker 01 That is unreal.
26:27 Speaker 03 Well, hold on. Well, what are they saying? Because maybe the video is them saying, Mr. Robbins, just, you know, we've replaced the machine. Look how great it is.
26:33 Speaker 01 No, because they said a message. Following your message, our maintenance team has checked the coffee machine and can confirm that everything is working properly. We're sending you a short video showing how to use it correctly next time.
26:44 Speaker 00 You weren't-
26:45 Speaker 01 Video. Robbins. That's a different plug to the one that didn't work. Mine had an adapter for a two-pronged plug. Those cheeky little sneaks-
26:56 Speaker 00 I'm gonna ask-
26:57 Speaker 01 -made me feel humiliated live on Five Live.
27:01 Speaker 00 I'm gonna ask you a question that you may not like. Was the plug you were putting in to the socket definitely attached to the Nespresso machine?
27:08 Speaker 01 Yes.
27:09 Speaker 00 And you checked that?
27:10 Speaker 01 Yes. Yes.
27:12 Speaker 03 Now, have you replied?
27:13 Speaker 01 Yes.
27:14 Speaker 03 That's too- you need to think before you email is a motto of mine.
27:18 Speaker 00 Do you know what I find always works?
27:20 Speaker 03 Because are you sure it's different?
27:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:22 Speaker 03 Are you sure?
27:22 Speaker 01 Hyundai P.
27:23 Speaker 00 Do you know what I find always works when it comes to customer relations and emailing corporate people you probably would never be-
27:29 Speaker 01 Oh, no, they've replied.
27:30 Speaker 00 -swearing.
27:31 Speaker 01 That's- they've replied, that's a different machine.
27:34 Speaker 03 They've said it's a different machine.
27:36 Speaker 01 No, they've now sent another video, which is a completely different machine.
27:43 Speaker 03 This is unbelievable. This is a- is this a scandal at this point?
27:47 Speaker 00 He doesn't need this.
27:48 Speaker 03 He doesn't need it.
27:49 Speaker 00 Three days before the marathon that happened two days ago. Because of the unique way we record this podcast.
27:55 Speaker 03 Slow your typing. Now, calm down, John.
27:57 Speaker 00 Look, he's double thumbing it.
27:58 Speaker 03 I know, he's double thumbing it.
27:59 Speaker 00 I know, he usually does that in his free time.
28:01 Speaker 01 And that's a completely different machine. It's okay, I don't mind.
28:05 Speaker 03 Yes, that's an absolute load of rubbish. Course you mind. They're making you look small, John. They're making you look small and pathetic.
28:13 Speaker 00 You are insignificant.
28:14 Speaker 03 You are, and you're thick.
28:16 Speaker 00 You're a flea to them.
28:17 Speaker 01 Why am I a flea and thick and insignificant?
28:19 Speaker 00 That's what they- that's-
28:20 Speaker 03 That's what they're saying.
28:21 Speaker 00 That's what they're saying. They're laughing in the office. They're like, he's a flea.
28:24 Speaker 01 Well, no, because they're sending me videos of machines that work that aren't the machine I couldn't get to work.
28:30 Speaker 00 And they are howling with laughter.
28:32 Speaker 03 Right, don't respond again. What have you just put back? What did you write back?
28:36 Speaker 01 No, I just said-
28:39 Speaker 01 I just said, that's a completely different machine. It's okay. I don't mind. It was just to let you know.
28:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:45 Speaker 01 And also, my original message wasn't, how dare you put an espresso. It was just like, the espresso machine doesn't work in this room. Do you have any spares?
28:52 Speaker 00 Why have you got the WhatsApp number of your hotel?
28:55 Speaker 01 I don't know. They have my number.
28:57 Speaker 00 Oh, okay. That's good.
28:59 Speaker 01 Well, I don't remember giving it to them.
29:03 Speaker 01 Oh, God. I'm gonna get home and there's gonna be a thousand espresso machines in my house.
29:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:07 Speaker 01 All on at the same time.
29:09 Speaker 00 None of which work.
29:10 Speaker 01 I'm gonna drown in lukewarm, watery coffee.
29:14 Speaker 00 Oh.
29:16 Speaker 01 Never mind. What a journey.
29:18 Speaker 00 Real time, yeah.
29:20 Speaker 01 It's like Roger Cook.
29:21 Speaker 00 Felt so alive.
29:23 Speaker 01 Sorry, yet again, our come reconnectee has heard a very strange slice of life.
29:28 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. We had started the feature.
29:30 Speaker 01 Ellis's successful connection with caller Alex via Ruth Jones last week brought his connection rate up to forty eight point one nine percent.
29:37 Speaker 00 Hello.
29:38 Speaker 01 He's made a connection with forty out of eighty three callers. Three more in a row and he'll be at forty three out of eighty six. Can he get to the holy grail of fifty percent? We have a caller on the line from Wales. What is your name, caller?
29:49 Speaker 06 Eric.
29:50 Speaker 01 Hello, Eric, which is what would happen if you and Ellis spliced your names. You'd be called Ellerick. That's not gonna happen. Ellis, you have sixty seconds to find a mutual connection with Eric. Your time starts now.
30:06 Speaker 00 Agent's caller.
30:07 Speaker 06 Twenty eight. I went to school in England, Ellis, in Yorkshire.
30:11 Speaker 00 Okay, where do you live now?
30:13 Speaker 06 I live in Swansea.
30:15 Speaker 00 Right. What do you do for a living?
30:16 Speaker 06 I'm a librarian.
30:19 Speaker 00 Oh, which library?
30:21 Speaker 06 Bryn Huvrid Library.
30:22 Speaker 00 Oh, my God, Bryn Huvrid, the traffic lights.
30:27 Speaker 00 Do you know anyone who works at the Glen Vivian Art Gallery or the library opposite next to that, the institute?
30:36 Speaker 06 I don't.
30:37 Speaker 00 Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
30:39 Speaker 01 Okay, chill out.
30:40 Speaker 00 You're a librarian, you're twenty eight. Do you follow football?
30:44 Speaker 06 I do.
30:45 Speaker 00 Okay, which team do you support?
30:47 Speaker 06 Swansea City.
30:48 Speaker 00 All right. Do you know Sophie, the media manager at the Swans?
30:51 Speaker 06 I don't, no.
30:52 Speaker 00 Okay, do you know Rebecca, who works in, oh, what does she do? Rebecca Gig. She works at the Swans. Michael Eames, the kit man?
31:00 Speaker 06 I don't know.
31:01 Speaker 00 Okay, do you know Leon Britton or Lee Trundle?
31:04 Speaker 06 No, I know all of them.
31:06 Speaker 00 Okay.
31:09 Speaker 01 He said he followed the Swans, not that he worked for the Swans.
31:12 Speaker 00 Well, it's a small club and everyone gets to know each other.
31:20 Speaker 01 Where were you born, Eric?
31:22 Speaker 06 I was born in Hull.
31:26 Speaker 00 Do you know John Prescott?
31:29 Speaker 06 I don't know.
31:30 Speaker 00 Have you ever been for Chinese in John Prescott's favourite Chinese, which turns into a disco at midnight?
31:37 Speaker 06 I have not, no. I'm aware of the place, but I have not, no.
31:43 Speaker 00 Do you know anyone who works at Swansea Union University?
31:48 Speaker 06 I do. I went to Swansea Uni, yeah.
31:51 Speaker 00 What did you study?
31:52 Speaker 06 I studied English and Spanish.
31:55 Speaker 00 You don't know Galileo Lopez by any chance, do you?
31:59 Speaker 06 I don't know. I know of him, but I don't know him, no.
32:02 Speaker 03 Oh, it feels close, doesn't it? There's gonna be something. Is there a connection, Eric?
32:08 Speaker 06 Yeah, I do. I do know a couple of people who work at Swansea Uni. I know Ellis knows Martin Johns pretty well.
32:14 Speaker 00 Yes, I'm very, yes, I'm friends with Martin Johns. Do you know Martin Johns?
32:18 Speaker 06 I do, yes, I do.
32:19 Speaker 00 Okay, okay, I would have got there eventually.
32:22 Speaker 03 Would you? Would that have been a connection you would have gone for?
32:25 Speaker 00 Because Martin's influence knows no bounds.
32:29 Speaker 01 But we didn't go, if you went to university, where did you go, Ali, for like the first time?
32:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
32:35 Speaker 00 Yes.
32:36 Speaker 06 That's what I was expecting.
32:39 Speaker 01 Everyone was expecting.
32:40 Speaker 00 Everyone was expecting that, that's absolutely fine.
32:41 Speaker 01 All of the pre-match talk was about, if you went to university, where did you go?
32:46 Speaker 01 Who else do you know at Swansea University?
32:49 Speaker 06 Well, I know a couple of the other lecturers. I know Kirsty Bahata. I don't know if you know her as well, Ellis?
32:55 Speaker 00 No, I don't. English and Spanish.
32:59 Speaker 06 I'm not sure if there's any other connections involving the Swans. I don't know if you know anybody in the foundation, Ellis?
33:05 Speaker 00 Um, I know a couple of people.
33:09 Speaker 01 Ellis only likes to put things back into interstate schools. He's not interested in any other foundations.
33:16 Speaker 00 I know a couple of people at the Disabled Supporters' Trust.
33:19 Speaker 06 I might know, I might know a few of them potentially, but I say I'm not sure. I say I know people who work in the.
33:25 Speaker 00 So you're a librarian?
33:28 Speaker 06 Yes, yeah.
33:28 Speaker 01 Have you ever been to the Brimmoor, well, you must have been to the Brimmoor Jones Library?
33:32 Speaker 06 Uh, I, I haven't, no.
33:34 Speaker 01 What? You were born in Holland, you're a librarian, you've never been to one of the most brilliant, famous libraries in the country?
33:43 Speaker 06 I, uh, no, I have not. My, my kind of library knowledge extends as far as kind of Clidder in the Swanwick area.
33:50 Speaker 01 Okay.
33:53 Speaker 00 That's, what's your name, sorry?
33:55 Speaker 06 Eric.
33:56 Speaker 00 Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
33:58 Speaker 03 They were there.
33:59 Speaker 00 Just repeating your name.
34:00 Speaker 03 The connections were there. I don't think.
34:02 Speaker 00 I felt, I felt that like that was in, within touching distance.
34:07 Speaker 03 It didn't feel like a bad performance. You got around the houses with it, you just didn't quite get to the right house.
34:11 Speaker 00 Do you ever go to gigs at the Bunkhouse?
34:13 Speaker 06 Uh, no, I, I haven't, no, but I probably know people that have, yeah.
34:20 Speaker 00 Eric, I would like to take you to Frankie and Benny's.
34:27 Speaker 01 Because you hate him and want him to experience the worst, the worst Italian food available in the country. We're not being sponsored by Frankie and Benny's.
34:36 Speaker 00 And we can sit down and thrash this out. I mean, and we've got.
34:39 Speaker 01 Over a lasagna and a chicken burger somehow.
34:43 Speaker 00 A milkshake and a glass of wine. So what I want to do with you, Eric, is have a chicken burger and a lasagna and a milkshake and a glass of wine at Frankie and Benny's. And we finally thrashed this out.
34:54 Speaker 06 And, and have a review of the Swanwick's scene then, yeah.
34:56 Speaker 00 Yeah, because there's more to this than Martin John's, I think.
35:01 Speaker 01 Do you think?
35:01 Speaker 00 I, yeah.
35:02 Speaker 01 And only a 16 pound bottle of Echo Falls is going to do the job. Well, thank you, Eric, for your call.
35:09 Speaker 00 It was nice to speak to you, Eric.
35:10 Speaker 01 Lovely to chat to you. And Hull is a wonderful part of the country.
35:14 Speaker 00 My wife was born in Hull.
35:15 Speaker 01 Was she really?
35:16 Speaker 00 She was born in Hull, yeah. I'm from Derbyshire, but she was actually born in Hull.
35:20 Speaker 01 Okay.
35:20 Speaker 00 Which she makes reference to every time she performs at the Truck Theatre.
35:24 Speaker 01 Lovely stuff.
35:25 Speaker 00 As you would.
35:27 Speaker 03 Thank you, Eric.
35:28 Speaker 00 Cheers, Eric. May I? Thank you. Nice to speak to you. Have a good day.
35:32 Speaker 01 I've had another, I've had another message.
35:34 Speaker 00 What? They've not sent you another coffee machine video, have they? They wouldn't dare. That's just trolling at that stage. Have they, have they tried to reason with you?
35:42 Speaker 01 Thanks for letting us know. It must have been the first machine in that case, as we received reports from two apartments. And one of the videos was from your unit. That feels like a very confused.
35:55 Speaker 00 Fishy.
35:56 Speaker 01 That, that feels like someone's improvising.
36:00 Speaker 00 But they're now saying it's the first of the two, but you need to now make clear it's also not the first of the two.
36:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's, but also they're saying it's interesting that they've received reports about two Nespresso machines on the day they're sending videos of two Nespresso machines working.
36:16 Speaker 00 Interesting. It's an absolute, it's an absolute scam.
36:19 Speaker 01 It was not the first machine. That's a different plug, as I said. Anyway, I'm just going to give that.
36:24 Speaker 00 Thumbs up.
36:25 Speaker 01 My favourite emoji, which is the two hands in prayer or a high five, depending on your religious observances.
36:31 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
36:32 Speaker 01 And I'm just gonna, and that's fine.
36:34 Speaker 00 Let it go.
36:35 Speaker 01 Because everyone's afraid of getting a bad review. I don't review anything.
36:38 Speaker 00 No.
36:39 Speaker 01 Oh, my word. I cannot be bothered.
36:41 Speaker 00 Well, you review yourself.
36:43 Speaker 01 I review myself on a second by second basis.
36:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, second by second basis.
36:46 Speaker 01 I never review stuff online.
36:49 Speaker 00 I gave someone a bad review the other day.
36:51 Speaker 01 Because the, oh, I did give that hotel that had
36:56 Speaker 00 Human.
36:56 Speaker 01 Human remains on the, on the furnishings.
36:59 Speaker 00 Human expression.
37:01 Speaker 01 Human expression on the furnishings. I gave them a pasting on TripAdvisor.
37:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, for want of a better word. Because there was human expression on the, on the chair twice.
37:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:11 Speaker 00 And it wasn't John's.
37:12 Speaker 01 No.
37:14 Speaker 00 But that picture will live with me forever.
37:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:17 Speaker 00 Did that picture, it didn't make it into the Holy Bible, did it? No, that would be a shame.
37:22 Speaker 03 Grab a copy.
37:23 Speaker 01 Grab a copy, grab the hardback.
37:25 Speaker 03 We've got hardbacks on the shelves.
37:26 Speaker 01 But I've certainly got it on my laptop.
37:28 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:29 Speaker 01 But not like in that way.
37:34 Speaker 01 Dave, who did you leave a bad review?
37:36 Speaker 03 I won't say who it was, but basically they sent the wrong bracket for a shelf that I wanted to put up.
37:40 Speaker 01 Okay.
37:40 Speaker 03 They then stopped replying to me when I asked for the new bracket.
37:43 Speaker 01 Unacceptable.
37:44 Speaker 03 So then I put the bad review on, guess who gets back to me in 12 hours?
37:46 Speaker 01 Oh, that's funny.
37:47 Speaker 03 And they are, obviously they're devastated because they don't want a bad review. Bad review is terrible. I said, well, you've not replied to four of my emails.
37:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:55 Speaker 03 So, you know, I think it's, anyway, they then said, well, send you a new bracket. And I then agreed to take it off because I don't want to be an idiot.
38:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:01 Speaker 00 So many pictures of pints.
38:04 Speaker 01 I know.
38:06 Speaker 03 So The Holy Vible was a book that Ellis and John released in, what, 2017?
38:09 Speaker 00 2018.
38:10 Speaker 03 2018.
38:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:12 Speaker 03 It's a good book.
38:13 Speaker 00 No, there are no pictures of a very cheap hotel.
38:19 Speaker 03 Oh, there we are, winning an award.
38:21 Speaker 00 With human expression on it.
38:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, and that's probably for the best.
38:31 Speaker 04 Network freedom and flexibility, that's what you want in a healthcare plan. With a Humana Medicare Advantage PPO plan, you can see any doctor in the country who accepts Medicare, including specialists. No referrals, no kidding. Learn more at gethumana.com. See any doctor who accepts Medicare and is willing to bill Humana. Humana PPOs may not be available in all areas. Benefits and costs share may vary. Humana is a Medicare Advantage PPO organisation with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.
39:04 Speaker 01 Ellis, quick Q. What's better than listening to or watching the Elis James and John Robins podcast?
39:11 Speaker 00 Oh, doing it in a lovely warm bubble.
39:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:17 Speaker 00 Better. Is it better than Ellis and John?
39:19 Speaker 01 I don't think that's better because you might get condensation on the laptop screen. You might drop your phone.
39:25 Speaker 00 Yes, good point.
39:26 Speaker 01 And because phones are now waterproof, you will end up with a video of your bits underwater.
39:31 Speaker 00 Yes.
39:31 Speaker 01 Which you might accidentally send to your neighbourhood WhatsApp and, and get arrested.
39:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. And then send it to them again for, for good measure.
39:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:42 Speaker 00 And that's a nightmare. No, it's, well, I'll tell you what's better than listening or watching to the Ellis and John podcast, it's experiencing it live. And this summer, we're taking the podcast to the world's biggest podcasting party, Crossed Wires.
39:55 Speaker 01 Yes, that's right. On Saturday, the 4th of July, we'll be taking to the stage once again in the great city of Sheffield.
40:02 Speaker 00 What a city.
40:03 Speaker 01 Ellis, three facts about Sheffield, please.
40:05 Speaker 00 Knives and forks, Arctic monkeys and pulp.
40:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
40:10 Speaker 00 Oh, good. Yeah, of course.
40:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, good stuff. And we won't be alone.
40:14 Speaker 00 The oldest football club in the world is Sheffield FC.
40:17 Speaker 01 It is. Are they still going?
40:18 Speaker 00 Yeah. Not Sheffield United, Sheffield Wednesday, there's a, there's a separate Sheffield FC.
40:22 Speaker 01 And what league are they in?
40:24 Speaker 00 They're non-league somewhere, but I don't know what division.
40:26 Speaker 01 Well, that's not fair. They should be bumped to the top for being so old.
40:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, they should.
40:31 Speaker 03 We did Crossed Wires a couple of years ago.
40:33 Speaker 01 We did.
40:33 Speaker 03 It was an absolute delight. It was so much fun. And this, this is probably going to be the only live show of the year for Ellis and John.
40:40 Speaker 01 Yes.
40:41 Speaker 03 Pretty sure of that.
40:42 Speaker 00 This is a PTA event at a school I don't attend. I'm not interested.
40:46 Speaker 01 We won't be alone across the weekend. You'll be able, be a, we're, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip. I'm so excited. I'm just yip, yip, yabbering. You'll be able to see Greg, James and Alice Levine, the Screen Rot Podcast.
40:58 Speaker 00 Nice.
40:59 Speaker 01 Uncanny British scandal and loads more.
41:02 Speaker 00 But Crossed Wires isn't just a bunch of live shows. It's a festival.
41:07 Speaker 01 It's not a scam either.
41:09 Speaker 03 They're not sending you videos of coffee machine, are they?
41:11 Speaker 01 No, it's not a front.
41:13 Speaker 00 No, it's not.
41:14 Speaker 01 It's not a money laundering exercise.
41:17 Speaker 00 A Ponzi scheme.
41:18 Speaker 01 It's not a Ponzi, it's not Bitcoin.
41:20 Speaker 00 Think of it as the Edinburgh Fringe for crypto. Sorry, I mean podcasts.
41:24 Speaker 01 Yeah. And it's just 119.99 a month to subscribe.
41:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:30 Speaker 01 And you'll get their seven point plan.
41:33 Speaker 00 Yeah, on how to become a millionaire by next week without doing anything.
41:36 Speaker 01 Yeah. And you get a free ebook.
41:38 Speaker 03 Sorry about this, Dean.
41:39 Speaker 00 It's just, it's just loads of passive income forever.
41:43 Speaker 01 Forever.
41:43 Speaker 00 And nothing can go wrong.
41:45 Speaker 01 So many ebooks.
41:46 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
41:47 Speaker 03 None of that's true. Back to the, but go on, Alice.
41:49 Speaker 00 It's, it's like Glassombury without the camping. There are two entirely free BBC sound stages, signings, outdoor bars and after parties, including one from our very own producer, Dave, who will be selling crypto at all my friends, the after our live show.
42:04 Speaker 03 All my friends is the after party on Saturday night.
42:07 Speaker 01 Is it the official one day?
42:08 Speaker 03 It is the official after party. It's indie pop galore.
42:11 Speaker 01 Do you know, I don't go to the official after parties. I, I go to the unofficial after parties. So I'll be like, where's everyone going? And they're like, I'm going to all my friends. I'll be like, okay, sure. Yeah. I'm just going to like that underground EDM. EMD music fest bar.
42:27 Speaker 00 EDM.
42:28 Speaker 01 EDM music bar.
42:29 Speaker 00 The chairman of Sheffield FC.
42:31 Speaker 01 Electric music, colon, dance.
42:35 Speaker 00 Do you know what? The, the chairman of Sheffield FC is John McClure from Reverend and the Makers.
42:39 Speaker 03 Yes, I did know that. He, it was, it's a newly, that's only been the case for a couple of months. He did a very good video. I love John McClure.
42:46 Speaker 01 There are two entirely free BBC sound stages, signings, outdoor, oh, we've already said that.
42:52 Speaker 03 It's fine though. It's important.
42:54 Speaker 01 Strong message here.
42:55 Speaker 00 Strong message here. To get tickets and to find out more, head to crossedwires.live.
43:01 Speaker 01 That's crossedwires.live for tickets.
43:04 Speaker 03 And discounted tickets for all my friends if you buy tickets for Alice and John. So it's a bit of a double whammy.
43:09 Speaker 01 The alternative unofficial party, there's actually an increased price.
43:14 Speaker 03 Yeah, the EMD.
43:15 Speaker 01 They're 10% more expensive because it's so cool.
43:18 Speaker 00 Looking at a picture of the Sheffield FC squad from 1876. Men were so small in Victorian times.
43:24 Speaker 03 They all looked a lot older, didn't they?
43:26 Speaker 00 No, they're all so small. Anyway.
43:28 Speaker 03 Fun bunch.
43:29 Speaker 00 Do, do come to Crossed Wires on the 4th of July. It's gonna be a great blooming laugh.
43:35 Speaker 01 It's gonna be a great laugh. How long are we on for?
43:37 Speaker 03 Six hours.
43:38 Speaker 01 Great.
43:39 Speaker 03 It's a Guinness World Record.
43:40 Speaker 01 Brilliant.
43:41 Speaker 03 Yeah. No, I think it's about, I think it's usually about 90 minutes, isn't it?
43:44 Speaker 01 About 90 minutes.
43:45 Speaker 03 It's a supersized offering of what we do on this podcast, isn't it?
43:50 Speaker 01 It's this show on tea.
43:52 Speaker 03 What was that? Yeah.
43:53 Speaker 01 Testosterone.
43:54 Speaker 03 Oh, testosterone. Yes. Good. Looking forward to it.
43:58 Speaker 01 See you in chef. And now it's time for a made up game.
44:06 Speaker 01 Why not just say, we're really sorry the Nespresso machine didn't work?
44:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:10 Speaker 01 Like, I'm not going to take you to court.
44:12 Speaker 03 It's like, no, no.
44:13 Speaker 01 I'm not going to ask for a refund.
44:15 Speaker 03 They were a bit passag.
44:16 Speaker 00 It's like when it's quite refreshing when politicians apologise.
44:18 Speaker 01 Massively. Hundred percent.
44:20 Speaker 00 You just want them to say, do you know what? Sorry, we had to, the fuse has gone in the plug. We've changed it now.
44:24 Speaker 01 Yeah. Ellis, I'm a politician. Accuse me of something.
44:30 Speaker 00 You have embezzled money from a charity.
44:34 Speaker 03 Pretty bad.
44:35 Speaker 01 That is bad. And I am going to have to resign. Because I did it and I'm sorry.
44:40 Speaker 00 Yeah. You spend that money on a speedboat.
44:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
44:44 Speaker 00 Not very John Robins behaviour.
44:46 Speaker 01 I can't even use or drive a speedboat and I don't like the idea of them. But I thought, what the hell?
44:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:52 Speaker 01 And it was a huge error and I am resigning and I'm sorry.
44:55 Speaker 00 Yes.
44:55 Speaker 01 And I am going to pay back every penny of that.
44:58 Speaker 00 Thank you. And it doesn't reflect on the party for which you work, does it? For which you represent.
45:02 Speaker 01 The speedboat party? Yeah. It's quite a big manifesto pledge of ours, actually. Have you not seen us doing our rallies on the Thames? It's great fun.
45:14 Speaker 01 No. Yeah, you'd have to go if you'd done that.
45:16 Speaker 00 Got to go.
45:17 Speaker 01 You gotta go, Dave.
45:18 Speaker 03 You gotta go. But no, a bit of honesty doesn't go amiss.
45:22 Speaker 01 Because if you heard him say that, you'd think, fair enough, he's gone. He's paying it all back. He's made a big error. I don't like the guy.
45:30 Speaker 00 Yeah.
45:30 Speaker 01 But he's not.
45:31 Speaker 00 Bit of human.
45:32 Speaker 01 Tell me that again, Ellis. Ask me that again and I'll give you the wrong response.
45:36 Speaker 00 John, you've been embezzling money from a charity.
45:41 Speaker 01 Okay, yes. We've launched an inquiry and it would be really inappropriate for me to comment before the inquiry has come to a conclusion. So I'm afraid I can't, I can't take any more questions on that right now. But what I do want to say. Is that Britain's waters, which speedboats travel on, are important to me and I will continue to fight. And that's what, I think what you're asking is what do the people of Britain want? They want clean water.
46:06 Speaker 00 And you want rest, will you, until, until?
46:08 Speaker 01 I will not rest until, because we will not tolerate the amount of sewage being dumped into our waters. And what I mean by that is, we'll say we won't tolerate it and then we'll just sort of see how things pan out.
46:20 Speaker 03 But what about the embezzling? What's going on there?
46:22 Speaker 00 Well, Dave.
46:22 Speaker 01 As I've said, and I think I've been clear on this, it would be inappropriate to comment while the investigation is ongoing.
46:29 Speaker 03 Okay, but was it your fault? Was it your fault, Prime Minister?
46:32 Speaker 01 It's right and proper that there's an inquiry and that we get into a root and branch review of what's gone on. But I, I am not in a position to comment right now. But what I will say
46:43 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:44 Speaker 01 Is Britain deserves better. And that's why we're fighting. That's why we've put £200 into potholes.
46:53 Speaker 01 Because Britain wants to drive with confidence. Because a driving Britain is a better Britain.
46:57 Speaker 00 I don't know why you're looking so smug, Dave. You've had eight affairs. You kissed, you kissed a woman on the bum by Big Ben. I've got pictures.
47:02 Speaker 03 Yes, I'm horny. Leave me alone. This is about, this is about old Pottles, isn't it?
47:08 Speaker 00 Oh, yes. This is about Mr. Pottle, yeah.
47:11 Speaker 03 Anyway, I'd vote for you. Sounds great.
47:13 Speaker 01 Thanks.
47:13 Speaker 03 Sounds good.
47:15 Speaker 00 That's what we were trying to prove, Dave. I mean, what, that's the problem.
47:20 Speaker 03 No, I like the guy.
47:21 Speaker 00 He hasn't apologised and he's won your vote.
47:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, but he's, he's trying to burn back a better Britain.
47:26 Speaker 01 Dave's like that person who's interviewed going, I don't know, I just went to the polling booth and thought, yeah.
47:35 Speaker 03 Right. Made up. Good though.
47:37 Speaker 00 That was a really interesting.
47:39 Speaker 03 He's good at it.
47:40 Speaker 00 He is good, but that was a really interesting example of why democracy doesn't work, Dave.
47:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:47 Speaker 00 After 90 seconds, you were totally convinced by her embezzling, right honourable friend.
47:51 Speaker 01 It would be good as an individual, say. Hannah came home and you've not, you've not put the tea in and it's frozen. And she's like, a long day.
48:03 Speaker 00 I would do that a lot of the minute, actually.
48:04 Speaker 01 And you were like, and now it's going to take 40 minutes to cook.
48:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
48:08 Speaker 01 And you were like, and you said, Hannah, actually, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to comment on this. What I'm, what I've done is I've spoken to the relevant department and there is going to be an investigation.
48:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
48:18 Speaker 01 But now is not the time.
48:19 Speaker 00 Yeah, and there's loads of really weird jargon.
48:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:23 Speaker 00 That doesn't relate to the normal photo person on the street at all.
48:26 Speaker 01 Just constantly kicking things into the long grass.
48:28 Speaker 00 Into the long grass.
48:29 Speaker 03 But do you think politicians, in a way, like a lot of, a lot of commercial radio DJs end up talking like they're on commercial radio the whole time, even when they're not on, even when they're not on air. I won't name any names, but there's people that just become that persona. Do you think like at home?
48:44 Speaker 00 Building up for the weekend here. Friday night, better brush my teeth. Will I bother to force think I will actually, because I'm slightly concerned about aggressive plaque.
48:54 Speaker 03 Exactly, but in the world of polit-, do you think politicians are going home and then struggling to switch back? And then delivering this language to their family?
49:01 Speaker 01 No, I think they're coming back, closing the door, double checking no one's behind them and saying to their partner, **** me, **** me, what a ****, I'm ****.
49:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, they got, and I would admire that.
49:13 Speaker 01 What **** that guy is.
49:15 Speaker 03 All right, okay.
49:18 Speaker 01 And if, to be fair, you know, if they, if they said a toned down version of that at the press conference, they'd have my respect.
49:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
49:27 Speaker 01 And I do respect some of them anyway.
49:30 Speaker 00 Good.
49:30 Speaker 01 And that was all fairly broad.
49:31 Speaker 00 That's the most five life.
49:32 Speaker 01 It doesn't have to be anymore.
49:33 Speaker 00 That's the most five life thing we've ever done, I think.
49:35 Speaker 01 Is it?
49:36 Speaker 00 Yeah, politics chat.
49:38 Speaker 01 Okay, look, make a note of that, Dave.
49:40 Speaker 03 No.
49:40 Speaker 01 We're still general politics chat.
49:42 Speaker 00 More of that.
49:44 Speaker 03 Made up games.
49:45 Speaker 01 Yes, please.
49:46 Speaker 03 We're going to give one final outing to the fantastic jingle that was sent in by the Many Men Sound System.
49:52 Speaker 01 Hmm.
49:53 Speaker 03 It's a male voice choir that have done one hell of a made up games jingle. Of course, you can send your made up games jingles to [email protected] . It's a new email address.
50:02 Speaker 01 It's a new email address for a new Britain.
50:04 Speaker 03 Yeah. How are you still going? Hello at elisandjohn.com, sending you jingles, but this is the Many Men Sound System for one more week.
50:15 Speaker 01 If your car has just become a lake of paint, and if you feel you're struggling to take the strain, well, here's some radio designed to entertain, a duel between John Robins and Elis James. If a bump procedure has you made up in pain, the bottom of the well is for your made up shame. But now's the time for Masterman to take the race. Come one and all, let's gather round for made up games. Come one and all, let's gather round for made up games.
51:00 Speaker 01 Very good stuff.
51:02 Speaker 03 So good. Um, hey, exciting times because the scores on the doors.
51:07 Speaker 00 I don't know the scores.
51:08 Speaker 03 No, this is good for you. This is good. It's a clean slate. It's clean. This is now the chance to really start to perform. This is when City were 3-0 down at Tottenham at half time and they'd had Joey Barton sent off and they won 4-3.
51:21 Speaker 00 Oh, years ago. Yeah, White Hart Lane.
51:23 Speaker 03 Yeah. So there is, there is still, it can still be called that. Yeah, FA Cup. Uh, John's victory in the tie break of last week's game of abide with three meant he ta- he, means he takes the set or meant he took the set. Uh, it's now two sets to love to John. We go again. Ellis, clean slate. Look at me.
51:46 Speaker 03 Do you believe?
51:47 Speaker 01 This could be a classic, like, you know, 11pm finish with, you know, 30 games to 29 games, five set, uh.
51:58 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
51:59 Speaker 01 So I'm desperately scraping my head for tennis slang.
52:03 Speaker 03 Okay. This week's game comes in from Nick. Dear team, I've come up with a game that I think will work well on the show. It's history based, so I'm hoping that gives Ellis a bit of a chance to claw some points back. The flip side of that is of course, if he loses a history based game, having studied history at university and hosted a history podcast, the shame will be doubled. So good luck, Ellis. I think this is on your side, this game, a touch.
52:26 Speaker 01 He's a professional historian.
52:28 Speaker 03 He is, in a way.
52:29 Speaker 00 If I was cleverer and more disciplined, I'd love to be a professional historian.
52:33 Speaker 03 You could do that. You could do that. The game is called Historical Celebrity Cemetery. It celebrates some hugely influential people from our shared human history and also celebrates the inevitable fact that death comes to us all. Hurrah!
52:47 Speaker 01 The glass is already broken.
52:49 Speaker 03 Yeah, exactly. Yes.
52:51 Speaker 01 I just wish Frank Zappa had had another 10 years. I think about that all the time.
52:56 Speaker 00 Yeah, I thought about that the other day, actually.
52:57 Speaker 03 Was he still in his pomp?
52:58 Speaker 00 He was 53, wasn't he?
52:59 Speaker 01 He was 52 or 53, yeah.
53:01 Speaker 03 Was he? In each round, Dave will name three well-known figures from history.
53:08 Speaker 01 Yep.
53:08 Speaker 03 There are then two parts to each round. Your first job is to guess the age of the historical figures when they died.
53:14 Speaker 00 Do I need a pen?
53:15 Speaker 03 It's probably worth having a pen, yeah. You will receive a point for each year you are out and your aim, across those three celebs, is to get the lowest points possible.
53:25 Speaker 01 Sure.
53:25 Speaker 03 Obviously the closest to the age. If you get bang on for three, you're getting zero points. Happy days. You then have to try and put their deaths in the correct order, going from earliest to latest. If you manage to guess the correct order, your opponent's score is doubled for the round, so you're adding points to the other player in that round.
53:42 Speaker 01 And also, we're just sorry for your loss.
53:43 Speaker 03 Absolutely.
53:45 Speaker 00 So earliest, always earliest to latest?
53:47 Speaker 03 Always earliest to latest.
53:48 Speaker 00 Jesus, Elizabeth I, Winston Churchill.
53:52 Speaker 03 Great. Great. Yes. Although we've not got those three.
53:56 Speaker 00 Okay.
53:56 Speaker 01 That's fine. And Jesus isn't dead.
53:58 Speaker 03 Interesting.
54:02 Speaker 03 Hmm. We've got Jesus in it.
54:07 Speaker 03 No, we're all good. Phew. Jesus doesn't make the cut for this game. Makes the cut.
54:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:17 Speaker 03 Points are cumulative, so they'll add up across the three rounds. Lowest points at the end of the game wins.
54:25 Speaker 00 Okay.
54:27 Speaker 03 Round one. So I'm gonna shout all three names out.
54:30 Speaker 01 Yep.
54:31 Speaker 03 Scribble, guess, ages of the deaths. Scribble, guess, the ages of the deaths.
54:36 Speaker 01 Yep.
54:36 Speaker 03 Napoleon.
54:38 Speaker 01 Okay. That is interesting.
54:42 Speaker 03 Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
54:44 Speaker 01 Okay.
54:47 Speaker 03 Queen Elizabeth the First.
54:49 Speaker 01 Oh, Ellis said that, didn't he, Dave?
54:52 Speaker 00 Mad.
54:54 Speaker 01 Okay.
54:58 Speaker 03 Hmm. Yeah. It's a tricky game. I think there'll be some, no, no shame in being quite far out with some of these, I think, because they're all quite historical deaths to make sure it doesn't feel too distasteful, actually.
55:13 Speaker 01 Wows, trousers. Okay, okay.
55:20 Speaker 03 So you may as well put them in order and guess the ages at this stage, because you're going to need to do both at various points of the game.
55:26 Speaker 01 Heck, heck, yeah.
55:28 Speaker 03 We don't need years of when they did die, just the order, if we can, if we can be so bold.
55:33 Speaker 00 Tricky. I know very little about Queen Elizabeth the First, actually.
55:36 Speaker 03 Let me know when you're ready.
55:37 Speaker 00 Not my, I am ready. Not my period. I'm looking forward to hearing these, the names and the scores.
55:42 Speaker 03 So closest to the age they were obviously means you keep your points down, which means then if you did lose the order round and your other opponent wins, your doubling of the points won't be as much. So it all works. Ellis, we'll come to you first for all three.
55:56 Speaker 00 Okay, Queen Elizabeth the First was born first.
56:01 Speaker 03 Hold on.
56:02 Speaker 01 That's not an element of this quiz.
56:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, you do it in, oh, I completely missed it.
56:10 Speaker 03 No, you're close. If we need.
56:13 Speaker 00 Well, there are ages at death, yeah.
56:15 Speaker 03 Ages of, ages of death, let's start with.
56:17 Speaker 01 And order of death.
56:18 Speaker 03 And order of death.
56:18 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
56:20 Speaker 03 Which will be different to the.
56:21 Speaker 00 Okay, Queen Elizabeth the First is 64.
56:25 Speaker 03 And that's your first, that's your first one to die as well? Or are you, are you doing it in the order?
56:29 Speaker 00 First one to die in terms of the year.
56:32 Speaker 03 Okay, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
56:33 Speaker 00 She's not the, um, Moltz, Moltzart 36.
56:38 Speaker 03 Okay.
56:39 Speaker 00 Napoleon 55.
56:40 Speaker 03 Okay.
56:43 Speaker 03 John, let's get yours, please.
56:45 Speaker 01 Same order.
56:46 Speaker 03 Same order.
56:46 Speaker 01 So, death, order of death, Elizabeth, Mozart, Napoleon.
56:49 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:50 Speaker 01 Ages, Elizabeth, I've got 58.
56:52 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:53 Speaker 01 Mozart, 24, Napoleon, 53.
56:56 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I can reveal at this stage.
57:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
57:02 Speaker 03 There are no double points in play.
57:03 Speaker 01 No.
57:04 Speaker 03 Because you both nailed it.
57:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
57:06 Speaker 03 Congrats.
57:08 Speaker 03 So that's the first part, the second part, of course, is getting as close you can to the ages. There will be a cumulative score here that you will take into your next round. Ellis, Napoleon was 51. You said 54, that's four points. Mozart.
57:23 Speaker 00 I actually said 55.
57:25 Speaker 03 Sorry, 55, that's four points, is what I meant. That is what we've written down. Mozart is 35, you said 36.
57:31 Speaker 01 Oh, I thought I got confused with another pianist.
57:37 Speaker 01 I thought Mozart died mad young.
57:39 Speaker 03 No.
57:40 Speaker 01 Is that Beethoven?
57:41 Speaker 03 You're probably thinking of Otis Redding. Or other people. Elizabeth I died at 69.
57:49 Speaker 01 Blumineck, that's a good age.
57:52 Speaker 03 So Napoleon, 51, Mozart, 35, Elizabeth, 69. Ellis went for 55, 36, 64, 10 points cumulative. John went for 53, which is only two off, to be fair, for Mozart, for Napoleon. Mozart, he went for 24, so he got 11 points there. And Elizabeth, he went for 58, which is also 11 points. So your cumulative is 24.
58:13 Speaker 01 Crikey Moses.
58:14 Speaker 03 So, you know.
58:15 Speaker 01 And Ellis's is what?
58:16 Speaker 03 10.
58:16 Speaker 01 10, okay, okay, okay.
58:19 Speaker 03 Here we go, round two. Good gameplay. William, Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Edward VI, the only son of Henry VIII.
58:32 Speaker 01 You shouldn't have said that, Dave.
58:33 Speaker 03 You shouldn't have said that, why not?
58:35 Speaker 01 Because that gives an enormous clue as to when Edward VI was knocking around.
58:40 Speaker 03 Well, you know, sometimes it's just nice to have a helping hand, isn't it? Or is he the only, or is, or is he? Maybe he had more they didn't know about.
58:50 Speaker 00 That's slander.
58:51 Speaker 01 No, it's fine.
58:52 Speaker 03 Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Edward VI. Ellis with a 14-point advantage at this stage.
58:59 Speaker 00 These are hard. I'm expecting John to do well with Shakespeare. He studied Shakespeare University.
59:05 Speaker 03 I was very impressed with the first round from both of you. Good knowledge.
59:09 Speaker 01 I was mad out.
59:10 Speaker 03 No, in general, you both got the order right. Yeah, you were a little bit out with Mozart, but it wasn't that bad. In fact, I said earlier that neither of the points would be doubled because you both got the order right. Actually, by both of you getting the order right, both points are doubled. So let's stick to the rules there. So actually, Ellis, you were on 10, you're now on 20.
59:30 Speaker 00 Okay.
59:30 Speaker 03 John was on 24, he's now on 48. So the points were doubled.
59:33 Speaker 01 This absolutely stinks.
59:35 Speaker 03 Because that has now actually increased.
59:37 Speaker 01 Stinks of [BLEEP].
59:39 Speaker 03 Stop swearing.
59:40 Speaker 01 Do you work for the hotel chain that's been lying to me about what Nespresso machines work and don't?
59:45 Speaker 00 I'm very curious to know this because I don't know very much about Shakespeare, so I would like to know.
59:49 Speaker 03 Yes.
59:50 Speaker 00 So I'm eager to get cracking with this.
59:52 Speaker 03 Ellis is eager to get cracking.
59:54 Speaker 01 Of course he is, because he knows it's all stacked in his favour.
59:58 Speaker 03 They are the rules. I'll go back to the rules very quickly. If you manage to guess the correct order, your opponent's score is doubled for the round. Yes, of course, if you both get the correct order, it becomes a bit of a moot point. But we have to stick to the rules because obviously if one of you did and one of you didn't get the correct order right, it makes a huge difference.
1:00:14 Speaker 01 It's a movable feast.
1:00:16 Speaker 03 It's not a movable feast, I just got the...
1:00:17 Speaker 01 The feast has moved.
1:00:18 Speaker 03 It's not... Well, that's my fault.
1:00:19 Speaker 01 Because I was eating my starter and it's been taken away.
1:00:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, they've thrown it into a cloakroom now.
1:00:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:25 Speaker 03 What are you moaning about?
1:00:25 Speaker 01 And it's got a mohi coat.
1:00:27 Speaker 00 To be honest, I've got to be honest. I know that it benefits me, but that is a bad rule.
1:00:33 Speaker 03 It's not a bad rule.
1:00:34 Speaker 00 And if I win because of a bad rule, what am I going to do? I'm going to give my prize to charity.
1:00:38 Speaker 01 Oh, that's nice.
1:00:39 Speaker 03 That's nice.
1:00:40 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:00:41 Speaker 03 John, will you give your prize to charity if you win?
1:00:43 Speaker 01 Yes, actually. I'll give it to Ellis's school so I don't have to get there.
1:00:47 Speaker 03 It's 20 points to 48. Ellis is now 28 points ahead rather than 14, but we'll...
1:00:55 Speaker 03 Shakespeare, Arc, VI.
1:00:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:00:58 Speaker 03 John?
1:01:00 Speaker 01 So I've gone VI, Arc, Shakespeare.
1:01:04 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:01:07 Speaker 01 Edward VI.
1:01:10 Speaker 01 I've said, I've said one. I think Edward VI died.
1:01:15 Speaker 03 Got it.
1:01:16 Speaker 01 Young.
1:01:16 Speaker 03 Got it.
1:01:17 Speaker 01 Joan of Arc, 26, Shakespeare, 49.
1:01:21 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:01:24 Speaker 03 Ellis, please.
1:01:25 Speaker 00 Joan of Arc, William Shakespeare, Edward VI.
1:01:31 Speaker 00 But no questioning that. Joan of Arc, 19, Bill Shakespeare, 62. Edward VI guessed 60. I don't know anything about him. But I've got no idea.
1:01:43 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:01:46 Speaker 03 We should go back to the rules quickly.
1:01:47 Speaker 01 It doesn't make any sense because he wouldn't be called Edward VI if he died as a child. He wouldn't have been king, but I thought Henry VIII. I thought Elizabeth I was Henry VIII's only child that went on to reign.
1:02:04 Speaker 00 I thought it was his grandchild.
1:02:06 Speaker 03 I can reveal at this stage, neither orders are correct.
1:02:10 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:02:10 Speaker 03 So there are, and this is now correct. There are no double points in play.
1:02:15 Speaker 00 So what's the order, Dave?
1:02:16 Speaker 03 Going off the rule. The order is Joan of Arc.
1:02:20 Speaker 00 Okay.
1:02:20 Speaker 03 Edward VI, William Shakespeare.
1:02:22 Speaker 00 Oh, okay. So Joan was earlier, so I was right in that regard. Okay. When did Joan of Arc die, Dave?
1:02:29 Speaker 03 Joan of Arc died at the age of 19.
1:02:32 Speaker 01 Oh, wowzers. Well done.
1:02:35 Speaker 03 Zero. There, John, you're seven out. You have 26. Uh, let's go for Edward VI next. He died at the age of 15.
1:02:43 Speaker 00 Oh, okay.
1:02:44 Speaker 03 So it's a, it's a, it's a big old haul.
1:02:46 Speaker 00 I've lost 45 years there.
1:02:47 Speaker 03 Big old haul. Because Ellis guessed 60. John guessed 14. So, you know, there is, there is points accrued from both of you there.
1:02:55 Speaker 00 I'm actually going to cross out Edward VI because I'm so angry at myself.
1:02:58 Speaker 03 Sorry, John guessed one. John guessed one and is 14 points out. Uh, Ellis guessed 60 and is 45 points out because he was 15. Uh, and finally, William Shakespeare was 52.
1:03:11 Speaker 00 What did John guess?
1:03:12 Speaker 01 Forty nine.
1:03:13 Speaker 03 Forty nine for John, so he's three out. Ellis, you guessed sixty two, so you're ten out. Whoa!
1:03:20 Speaker 01 This is quite a hard game to follow for the listener at home.
1:03:25 Speaker 01 Lot of numbers flying around.
1:03:27 Speaker 03 All you need to know is that in that round, Ellis added fifty five points because that's how many years out he was across the three celebrities, famous figures. John, twenty four out. So you do the better round, you get the better round there. Cumulivity.
1:03:43 Speaker 01 Cumulivity.
1:03:44 Speaker 03 Cumulivity. Cuma, cuma, Tony Livesey.
1:03:47 Speaker 00 Cuma, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
1:03:48 Speaker 01 Cuma, Tony Livesey.
1:03:49 Speaker 03 Ellis, you're now on seventy five. John's on seventy two. It makes a delicious third round.
1:03:55 Speaker 00 Great game play.
1:03:57 Speaker 03 Third round is delish.
1:03:59 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:03:59 Speaker 03 You ready to scribble?
1:04:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:01 Speaker 03 Okay. Queen Victoria, Vincent Van Gogh. Or Van Gogh.
1:04:07 Speaker 01 Okay, yeah.
1:04:08 Speaker 03 Florence Nightingale.
1:04:10 Speaker 01 Oh, heck and mess.
1:04:13 Speaker 03 So just to remind everyone of the rules, in case you've not been following, Ellis and John now need to guess how old they were when they died and the order in which they died.
1:04:24 Speaker 01 Hang on. Can everyone just calm down? Good grief. This is taking me back to my farthings.
1:04:39 Speaker 01 Hmm, this is taking me really back to my farthings.
1:04:46 Speaker 03 How are we feeling?
1:04:49 Speaker 00 One is problematic for me.
1:04:51 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
1:04:52 Speaker 00 Because I only know what she did. I only know what Florence Nightingale did. I don't know very much about her life.
1:04:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:04:58 Speaker 00 So I know when she did what she did. But that doesn't really help me.
1:05:02 Speaker 03 Do it for.
1:05:03 Speaker 00 What a brain teaser.
1:05:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, it gets the old cogs going, doesn't it?
1:05:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:05:08 Speaker 00 I'm fairly confident in my order, actually.
1:05:11 Speaker 03 Okay, well, should we go to you first, Ellis?
1:05:13 Speaker 00 The ages, I'm not sure.
1:05:15 Speaker 03 Well, the order could be what swings it. If one of you are right and one of you are wrong, that's when the doubling will only happen to the opposing player.
1:05:21 Speaker 00 I think Queen Victoria was the last to die, and she died at the age of 87. I think that Vincent van Gogh, Vincent van Gogh was about 40 when he died, I'm thinking. Florence Nightingale, who I think was the first to die, I'm taking a wild stab at saying that she was 58, but I don't know. I know that she, you know, involved in the Crimean War in the 1850s, but that's all I know about her, really.
1:05:48 Speaker 03 Okay, that's safe.
1:05:49 Speaker 01 So is that, has he expressed his order there?
1:05:52 Speaker 03 He has expressed an order.
1:05:53 Speaker 01 But you've gone backwards.
1:05:54 Speaker 00 Yes, I have. So it'd be Nightingale, Goff, Vict.
1:05:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:06:00 Speaker 03 Nightingale, Goff, Vict. Yes. John?
1:06:03 Speaker 01 I've got the same order. I've expressed it a different way. I've gone Flo, VVG, Victoria.
1:06:10 Speaker 03 You've gone what, sorry?
1:06:13 Speaker 01 Flo, VVG, Victoria, Order of Death.
1:06:17 Speaker 00 That's my order.
1:06:18 Speaker 03 Okay.
1:06:19 Speaker 01 Uh, Victoria, 81. Vincent van Gogh, I said 45, and Florence, I've said 29.
1:06:28 Speaker 03 Okay. Here's what's interesting.
1:06:30 Speaker 01 That's a noise from Michael.
1:06:32 Speaker 03 There's a gas from Michael in the gallery.
1:06:35 Speaker 01 Gas from the stadium.
1:06:37 Speaker 00 29.
1:06:38 Speaker 03 Lovely stuff.
1:06:39 Speaker 01 That was exactly the same noise that Stephen Hendry made when Ronnie O'Sullivan was playing Mark Selby in the semi-final of the World Championship that was in lockdown. And Ronnie's been like, just smashing the balls everywhere to off, put Mark Selby off, and he plays this shot out of nowhere, and Stephen Hendry goes, oh.
1:07:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:07:01 Speaker 01 In the commentary, it's my favourite moment of sporting commentary.
1:07:04 Speaker 00 John has elicited a snooker sex noise.
1:07:08 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh, well, Michael has.
1:07:10 Speaker 00 Yeah, he's elicited, it came from Mike, he didn't do it himself.
1:07:13 Speaker 03 Yes, sorry, of course. Yes, you're right. Hey, well, the, the, the big news here is. Both of you have the order wrong.
1:07:21 Speaker 01 Okay, so there's no doubling.
1:07:22 Speaker 03 So there's no doubles in place, so we're just going off the hard, raw scores here.
1:07:26 Speaker 00 Tell me the order, Dave.
1:07:27 Speaker 03 I will, actually.
1:07:28 Speaker 00 Good.
1:07:28 Speaker 03 Vincent.
1:07:30 Speaker 01 Ah.
1:07:30 Speaker 03 1890, Queen Victoria 1901, Florence 1910.
1:07:36 Speaker 01 Huh, I knew Victoria's 1901 because her farthings go 1936 to 1901.
1:07:42 Speaker 00 I knew Victoria was 1901. I thought Vincent was the late 1880s.
1:07:48 Speaker 03 Hmm, it was 20 years in that, it's a tight old turnaround.
1:07:52 Speaker 00 Florence, not sure. So when did, Florence died in 19?
1:07:54 Speaker 03 Well, here we go.
1:07:56 Speaker 00 1910, did you say?
1:07:57 Speaker 03 Florence died 1910, yes. But let's go through the scores. Queen Victoria died at 81.
1:08:05 Speaker 00 Well done.
1:08:05 Speaker 03 Wow, John's bang on.
1:08:07 Speaker 00 Well done.
1:08:07 Speaker 01 I know my farthings, Dave.
1:08:10 Speaker 03 You do. You're only six out, Ellis.
1:08:12 Speaker 00 Eighty-seven, yeah.
1:08:13 Speaker 03 So you're still in this. Van Gogh died at 37.
1:08:20 Speaker 01 What did you say?
1:08:20 Speaker 00 Forty, I said.
1:08:21 Speaker 03 Forty.
1:08:22 Speaker 01 Forty-five.
1:08:22 Speaker 03 Forty-five, so John's eight out, Ellis is three out. It is tight as we go into Nightingale.
1:08:28 Speaker 00 The gameplay of this.
1:08:29 Speaker 03 As we head to Florence.
1:08:33 Speaker 03 Wow, and this is where the gasp was elicited, may I add. Um, Nightingale died at 90.
1:08:39 Speaker 00 Whoa.
1:08:40 Speaker 01 You're kidding me?
1:08:41 Speaker 03 I wouldn't.
1:08:41 Speaker 01 90?
1:08:42 Speaker 03 I wouldn't.
1:08:43 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. Well, I've got to congratulate Ellis, that's a huge win.
1:08:47 Speaker 03 Ellis guesses 58, John guesses 29, which means Ellis is 32 out for that round, John is 61 out for Nightingale. For the final points for that round, it makes it Ellis 41, John 69 out in years, which means the overall points.
1:09:02 Speaker 01 And that's, and that's the World Cup.
1:09:05 Speaker 01 You don't get that with FIFA.
1:09:06 Speaker 00 No, it's a wild card. It's your plane joke, go Johnny, go, go, go, go.
1:09:10 Speaker 03 And now we come down to the brass tacks of it, which is Ellis scores 116, John scores 141. The lower, of course, as well. Sisters are all aware.
1:09:21 Speaker 01 I'm about to play my wicked wango card.
1:09:25 Speaker 03 As we've all been following, the lowest score wins the game.
1:09:27 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:09:28 Speaker 03 Naturally. And no doubles in play for the final round. So Ellis116 wins the game.
1:09:35 Speaker 00 Florence Nightingale died in 1910. I am shocked.
1:09:39 Speaker 03 Yes, you're sh- I'm shook, you'd say.
1:09:41 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah, I'm young.
1:09:41 Speaker 01 I just don't think I've, I've just got a lot of wrong ideas about Florence Nightingale and I always have. And I'm gonna put those right.
1:09:51 Speaker 03 What innings?
1:09:52 Speaker 00 God, I'm shook.
1:09:52 Speaker 03 What innings? Ellis is shook. We're all confused.
1:09:55 Speaker 00 Good game. Was it a good game?
1:09:57 Speaker 01 Such a good game.
1:09:58 Speaker 00 I enjoyed that game.
1:09:59 Speaker 01 If they made that into a TV show, they would have to make wholesale changes.
1:10:04 Speaker 00 They made that into a TV show, I would present it for free.
1:10:08 Speaker 01 And everyone involved would be sacked.
1:10:11 Speaker 00 And I would like the people at the BBC, Channel 4, ITV, Sky, that they no longer pick up the phone.
1:10:18 Speaker 03 You're distancing yourself from this one.
1:10:20 Speaker 00 Just employ me.
1:10:21 Speaker 01 Osman could make that work.
1:10:23 Speaker 03 Oh, get Osman on the line.
1:10:24 Speaker 00 I didn't, I'd present it for free.
1:10:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, we'd have, we'd have a look at the point doubling, sure.
1:10:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:10:30 Speaker 03 Because, you know, it works at points.
1:10:31 Speaker 00 And we'd call it, we'd change the name of it to ages. No way.
1:10:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
1:10:35 Speaker 00 And so, um, Florence Nightingale was 19. No way.
1:10:39 Speaker 03 Good made up game.
1:10:39 Speaker 01 Also, it's very death orientated.
1:10:42 Speaker 03 Do you know what?
1:10:42 Speaker 01 We could have gone birth.
1:10:44 Speaker 03 We could have, no, whereas the, it's not fun.
1:10:47 Speaker 00 How would you go birth? What, eight year of birth?
1:10:49 Speaker 01 What year are they built? Well, what was the order at which they were born and maybe what year were they born?
1:10:54 Speaker 03 I think, you know what? We ain't had a death game ever.
1:10:57 Speaker 01 No.
1:10:58 Speaker 03 So I think, you know, for the, for the sake of playing everyone's games that come into the inbox, [email protected] , it's all right.
1:11:04 Speaker 00 I enjoyed it.
1:11:05 Speaker 03 Death comes to us all. We're celebrating life.
1:11:07 Speaker 01 I got one bang on. Ellis got two bang ons, didn't he?
1:11:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:11:11 Speaker 01 My Victoria bang on. You got Joan of Arc bang on.
1:11:14 Speaker 00 I got Joan of Arc bang on. I was close with Mozart from what I remember.
1:11:17 Speaker 03 Well, you're one off with Mozart. Just a reminder of the point scoring system.
1:11:20 Speaker 00 No, no.
1:11:21 Speaker 03 Thank you.
1:11:22 Speaker 01 Well, we've gone on far too long. Thank you so much for listening. What are we gonna, what, what, what do we do now? We say goodbye or do we ask us anything?
1:11:33 Speaker 03 No, we say goodbye.
1:11:34 Speaker 01 If you do have as an ask us anything, send it to [email protected] .
1:11:39 Speaker 03 Correct.
1:11:39 Speaker 00 Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back with you next week. Goodbye.
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1:12:22 Speaker 01 Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.
1:12:28 Speaker 00 And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.
1:12:33 Speaker 01 Plus, you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.
Previous #534 - Berating The Hips, #TeamCharles and National Growers of the Year Awards 2011 Next #536 - A Cup Final You Can’t Lose Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated