Get More Faster

The Distracti-menu specials for tonight are PB & J sandwiches and boiled eggs. And wait until you see what's for dessert... Reserve your ticket now at ironlung.com. Only in theaters January 30, 2026. Order now at ⁠pandaexpress.com⁠ or a store near you. Learn more at uber.com/onourway Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:29Speaker 01

  This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying "I love you" is just hard, whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically-cooked American-Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken, or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So, have you eaten yet? Order now, or find your nearest Panda Express.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode: Bilateral Bob declares the podcast SNL, then gets a guy's speedrun statement. Musical Mark drops the date of iron lung. Buy tickets now. Then becomes an opera singer. Wigless Wade has a schnoz situation. The perfect popsicle. And laughs so hard, he turns red. From healing bumps to festive merch.

• 1:35Speaker 02

  It's time for Get More Faster. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  So she was going really light with the razor, and then one of the hairstylists came up that was like helping train her, and she's like, "Oh, you can go harder than that." And I was like, "Uh-oh." She's like, "Really?" And she grabbed my head, like stretched it, and I was like... Just like, yup, that's the spot.

• 1:59Speaker 04

  I mean, it looks good. Doesn't look butchered.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  I'm not gonna turn around. I have no idea what the back looks like, but I can feel the bumps of healing, the bumps of healing, the sequel to The Grapes of Wrath.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  It's actually my favorite spell in World of Warcraft. Hey, welcome to another episode of Distractible. It's like Saturday Night Live. We started the show before the show. That's a, we do, we do cold open sometimes. It's totally fine. Uh, if you've never seen the show before, uh, that would be the most accurate way to describe it to you. Get ready for basically an episode of Saturday Night Live. That's what we do here. Uh, the saxophone guy does the saxophone thing with the band and then we have a celebrity guest and all that stuff. It's totally what's about to happen. You'll see.

• 2:41Speaker 04

  I'm a Mad TV kinda guy, you know? I don't really watch that.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  I've been getting a lot of Mad TV clips lately and I forgot how much I liked that show cause I haven't watched it forever.

• 2:54Speaker 04

  Unironically, uh, my stepdad was a huge Mad TV guy, so I would watch it.

• 2:58Speaker 03

  I've been getting a lot of like the watch mojo 20 saddest movie scenes of all time kinda stuff. And it's like, why? Everything in the record is like five saddest deaths. It's what? What if, why am I getting this?

• 3:11Speaker 01

  You just give off big sad death vibes.

• 3:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. The opening, like 20 minutes of Up, they're like, ah, watch everyone react to the first 10 minutes of Up. And I'm like, please, is there anything happy on the internet for me?

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Uh, those aren't even, that's, those are never real. It's like those videos where it's like, the first time I ever heard Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. And it's like a 33 year old influencer. Like, I know you've heard this song before. Like, there's just a 0% chance you never happen to hear one of the most popular songs and stadium songs.

• 3:43Speaker 03

  Forty year old musicians, first time hearing music.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Or like those drumios where they're like, this guy's toured with Michael Jackson and Katy Perry and Chicago and he's never heard of Miles Davis.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  I opened for Metallica, but I never listened to him.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Anyway, that's the show you're about to hear. Uh, I'm the host because I won the last one. These two other voices and or faces that you're seeing and or hearing, scratch that, reverse it. They're competing to host the next one because they're this, this, the three, we're the three guys. We're the three destroying guys.

• 4:18Speaker 03

  Rebrand the three guys.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  The three friends, three amigos is already taken, but I feel like it has the same.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Two and friends featuring Mark.

• 4:29Speaker 04

  I don't know if I have any friends anymore.

• 4:32Speaker 03

  Oof.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 4:33Speaker 04

  Just kidding. I've got lots of friends.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  Oh, was awkward. Uh, Mark, you get an, you get an awkward point.

• 4:41Speaker 04

  It's not that awkward. Look, just because everyone knows that we aren't friends anymore and we just only do this because contractual obligations doesn't mean that we can't talk about that openly, right?

• 4:50Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 4:51Speaker 03

  There's a contract.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  You don't need to know about that. That's fine. You're the, you're the middle ground.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  Yay.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Uh, I do have a game prepared as per usual, but uh, small talk, anything going on with you guys?

• 5:03Speaker 03

  Oh, let me start though, because my life's been so. No, not really. Mark, go for it.

• 5:09Speaker 04

  January 30th. Iron Lung.

• 5:14Speaker 03

  Of what year?

• 5:15Speaker 04

  2026.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I forgot that changes soon. Yikes.

• 5:23Speaker 03

  The fact that you came up with the concept, got all the filming and editing done in one year is kind of crazy.

• 5:28Speaker 04

  I know, right? I know. I'm very efficient. I'm streamlining the whole process. Uh, but yeah, tickets are on sale now. It's actually a thing. The trail, the final trailer is out on my channel. At the time of recording this, it's not, which is funny.

• 5:41Speaker 03

  All right. Can you send me over some uh, cosplay ideas so I can go to the theater fully dressed up?

• 5:46Speaker 04

  Uh, blood.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  That's all my, it's all my wardrobe consists of these days. Blood and tears.

• 5:51Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, finally, after so many years, uh, I can finally say it's coming out. You can get tickets now if you want. It is purely a coincidence. The trailer and tickets went on sale the day that Five Days of Freddy's came to theaters. It is a coincidence.

• 6:07Speaker 05

  Odd coincidence. It was not planned.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Interesting, interesting.

• 6:13Speaker 05

  And that we had our premiere on that very day. It's all a coincidence.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  Hmm, the king of phalung.

• 6:19Speaker 04

  Funny thing about that, though, is we did have an idea because eventually the trailer's gonna be in theaters, running before other, other movies. And Amy and I had an idea that we would, we would target the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. And I would like, you get in the movie, the lights go out, and then suddenly it's just me in there in the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. Guess what, guys? I'm not in this movie.

• 6:44Speaker 04

  But you know what movie I will be in? Get a load of Iron Lung 2, theaters down. Thought that would be funny. I don't, I don't know if we can target that specifically, but that would be really funny.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  It would be really effective, too. You know, people seeing that movie would see you and be like, oh, oh, oh, I have to go see that now. And they would leave and they would never watch the, is the second one? This is the second one, right? One of those already came out.

• 7:09Speaker 04

  Well, unfortunately, it's rated R, so.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Oops.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Is FNAF also rated R?

• 7:15Speaker 01

  It's PG-13, isn't it?

• 7:17Speaker 03

  Ah, so Iron Lung's gonna be better than that.

• 7:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's a higher rating. That's how it works.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  It's at the very least gonna be way cooler.

• 7:25Speaker 03

  Oh, we are once again recording in a late evening where all of us are at the top of our game and definitely not feeling tired.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  I can hear out of two ears.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  I can smell out of one nostril.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Are you sick or you just have allergies? Cause it's winter. You really shouldn't have allergies.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  Well, according to my doctor, I've got a deviated septum. I can only ever smell out of one nostril, which makes sense. But like, I've been living that life for like, as long as I can. I don't remember ever breaking my nose or anything. So it's one of those things where it's like, it's always been this way. I just especially feel it today.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Isn't there a procedure to fix that?

• 7:55Speaker 03

  There is, and I was looking at reviews and some people are like, oh, this is the best thing I ever did. And some people are like, I wish I'd never done this. It was fine before compared to what they did to me. Okay, maybe I'm fine.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  So useful as ever. Got it. Thanks, internet.

• 8:06Speaker 03

  And one of them was like, I don't see the same after getting my septum fixed. And I was like, that doesn't seem right. Oh, you can see, look, my neck is still red from the razor burn.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  Thought they were shaving your head.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  Well, they, the whole, yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  All right, trainee, get in there.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  They do the hot towel, they shampoo you.

• 8:26Speaker 04

  Send you off, smack you on the ass.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  So they call the double MVP.

• 8:30Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 03

  Special request, could I, could I get a hickey while you shave my head?

• 8:37Speaker 04

  Hey, do you guys do hickies in here? Well, can you do that thing where, oh, I don't remember the name, where you put your lips on my neck and you suck real hard? You know, do you do that here?

• 8:45Speaker 01

  The Dracula thing?

• 8:47Speaker 03

  Treat it like a Tootsie Pop. Give it three licks and then bite.

• 8:50Speaker 04

  You say Pussy Pop?

• 8:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:54Speaker 04

  What did you say? I heard Pussy Pop.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  He said Tootsie Pop.

• 8:58Speaker 04

  I heard Pussy Pop, you sick bastard.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Treat it like a Pussy Pop.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  How could you say such a thing? That is offensive.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  Uh, today's episode of Distractible is actually brought to you.

• 9:08Speaker 04

  Sing this theme song, Wade.

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Uh, no.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  My favorite is when the owl eats the Pussy Pop. He always does it right.

• 9:19Speaker 03

  One, two.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Don't make that sound. No. You know today's game is gonna be good because it's an idea that's basically stolen from Mark and also from improv comedy.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  Am I improv comedy?

• 9:31Speaker 01

  No, you're not involved. Uh, Mark previously hosted an episode called, uh, Get More Stupider. Possibly multiple episodes if I recall. Well, this one is not about getting stupider, but it is about getting faster. Today, I want you guys to explain to me how to do some fairly simple tasks, uh, or how things work. But we're gonna play it in the form of Half-Life, which is an improv game where, uh, you take turns. Well, actually, you don't take turns in the normal improv game, but you go round, round after round. Each round, the time is cut in half. So the first time you do a scene for, I don't know, it's usually kinda long. It's like a few minutes. And then some whatever happens in that scene, then you have a minute and a half to do that scene.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  And then you have a half of that. What's that? Forty-five seconds. And then you have, you know, I picked an easier math number, but you know what I'm saying? I have some stuff I want you guys to explain to me, but you're not gonna have to do it on your own. You're gonna go back and forth. So we're gonna flip a coin to see who goes first, and I'm gonna give the first person a minute to explain to me whatever his thing. And then we're gonna go back and forth. You get a minute, then you get thirty seconds, and the other person gets fifteen seconds, and the other person gets, we'll call it eight generously.

• 10:45Speaker 04

  Ooh.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Then four, then two, then one.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  I feel like four than two might be enough, but uh bald as heads, Mark is lying. Still don't know why I picked this coin. It doesn't have heads and tails on it. Cause I'm so smart. Bald it is.

• 11:02Speaker 03

  And we're incapable of buying new things. I understand.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  So Wade, you get to go first. I would like you to describe to me how you would make peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In one minute.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  One minute.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Commence.

• 11:17Speaker 03

  All right. So to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you need three key ingredients. Bread, peanut butter and jelly. And as I actually learned in real life this week, make sure your ingredients are fresh. Otherwise it might upset your tum tum.

• 11:31Speaker 03

  So uh I get a plate, but for me, four slices of bread, cause I want two sandwiches, but two slices of bread. Get peanut butter, get jelly, get a spoon, get a knife, because those are the proper tools for making the sandwich. Put the knife in the peanut butter, spread it on one side. Spread that peanut butter with that knife. That's what you want to do. Get the spoon pointed in the jelly, spread that jelly on the other slice. Put the two together, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, numb with time to spare.

• 12:03Speaker 05

  How am I gonna remember all that? How the fuck am I? All right.

• 12:06Speaker 03

  How do you remember how to make a PB and J?

• 12:09Speaker 05

  No, I have to say what you said.

• 12:11Speaker 03

  Is that? Oh, I didn't listen to the rules.

• 12:12Speaker 05

  You fucking asshole.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  All right. Gotta go quick. I'm gonna forget.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Uh Mark, ready, set, 30 seconds.

• 12:23Speaker 03

  Ever want to make a peanut butter jelly? When I make a peanut butter jelly, because I like it or something, you get out your, your uh fuck. You get three key ingredients. You get your bread, your jelly, your peanut butter. Make sure it's fresh or else you'll die upset. Tum tum. And then you get out your, your uh jelly, your spoon, your knife, because those are the correct ingredients. You get out four slices of bread, throw them aside, get two of those breads, put them down, spoon out the jelly, spread out the peanut butter, slap it all together, eat it or something. I don't know. Time to spare.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  I thought you were doing it on purpose Wade. Jesus Christ.

• 12:54Speaker 03

  Holy fuck.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  Take that asshole.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Wade, you get 15 seconds.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  Oh, God. All right.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  Make a peanut butter and jelly. You need three key ingredients: peanut butter, jelly, and bread. Sometimes if you don't use fresh ingredients, here's what you do. You get four slices of bread, only two for one sandwich. So you flip them to the side. You get peanut butter, spread it with a knife. Knife's the proper thing to spread your peanut butter with. Put it on one of the breads. Jelly, you get a spoon, spread the jelly on one side. Boom, slap the other peanut butter and jelly. Time to spare.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Uh, sure. Time to spare. Yeah. All right, Mark. Eight seconds.

• 13:36Speaker 03

  Here, wait, before you hit go.

• 13:39Speaker 03

  All right, I'm ready.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  No, you're just mentally preparing. I get that. I get that. Go.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  Three key ingredients: Tom, Tom, Tom, four, slice, two, one sandwich, spoon, I phrase, hike. It's time to spare.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  God, oh, I love hike so much.

• 14:03Speaker 03

  Peanut butter, hike.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  That was my favorite part of Wade's initial one was the hike. All right, Wade, I'm not gonna hold my phone up for four seconds. You're gonna have to mentally keep track of four seconds.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  All right, all right, ready. I'm ready.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  You're gonna really, I'm gonna tell you, you were too slow on your 15-second one. You're gonna have to, you gotta speed it up.

• 14:21Speaker 03

  All right, got it.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Learn, learn from Mark. Four seconds. Ready, set, go.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  Three, Tom, Tom, who knew? Knife, spoon, slap. Time to spare.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  You did have time to spare, but you dropped the hike.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  I didn't say the hike.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Mark said the hike. That was part of it. You know the rules.

• 14:42Speaker 03

  It was there the whole time. You don't remember? I follow, I need to follow that through, right? Why didn't Mark, Mark add it and find or subtract bad? Okay, got it. Add good, subtract bad.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Two seconds, buddy. I believe in you. Ready, set, go.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  Bread, butter, jelly, hike. Time to spare.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Bread, butter, jelly.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  It's butter and jelly. Yeah, that's what I asked. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  I couldn't just say peanut butter jelly. I guess I could have. That would have been better.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  Do I have to do one second now?

• 15:15Speaker 01

  I think two seconds is quite fast enough. Well, Mark gets to go first this time, so you'll say however many words Mark says.

• 15:23Speaker 03

  Let's be honest, it's me. No, I won't.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  I appreciate your honesty. This is such a simple task. It couldn't possibly take that long. Mark, I think you know how to do this. Explain to me how you would boil a hard boiled egg.

• 15:38Speaker 04

  Hmm, okay.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 15:42Speaker 04

  There's a lot of misconceptions about how to boil an egg. Some people think that you put them in the water first and then raise the temperature to a boil, but people's heating elements are inconsistent from one to another. So you don't necessarily know. I mean, you could get used to it, but you're not really going to get a consistent boil from kitchen to kitchen, right? So you bring it up to boil, because unless you're at a different elevation, that's going to be a pretty consistent temperature. But if you're at a different elevation, you got to be aware that things are going to cook a little differently. So cut all that out of the equation and buy one of those egg shaped egg cook timers that you drop in with the eggs. It has little like a red yolk inside that will change based on temperature into the zone where it'll say soft, medium, hard boil. Put that in with your eggs.

• 16:25Speaker 04

  Ready, as it's boiling, get a bowl of ice ready. Boil a shit out of it until it looks like what you want. Take it out, dump it in the ice, get it, shock it. You want to shock it. You want to shock it. So the shell like, you know, and then crack them, eat them, eggs.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  Challenge Ethan for a minute there. You hit us with the

• 16:44Speaker 03

  I retained about four words.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  All right, Wade, I know you're quite the chef in your own right. So even if you can't remember every single thing that Mark said.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  I got it.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  I'm sure that you know how to cook an egg.

• 16:58Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  All right, Wade, you have 30 seconds.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  All right, ready? I'm ready.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Make sure you cover all the big points that Mark put in there for you. Ready, set, go.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  A lot of misconceptions about boiling an egg. First one, egg in the water? No, you want to water the egg. Second one, elevation. High, bad, low, two, not, middle, good. Whenever you get your water boiling, you put it in the pot, you have a little red something, you toss it in there, look at your egg, when it looks like what you want, wow, bam, good, so good, you take it out, you fucking eat it or whatever else, and then, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, ice that bitch, shock, egg.

• 17:38Speaker 05

  You forgot the.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  All right, Mark, 15 seconds. Ready?

• 17:45Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  There's a lot of misconceptions about this. Look, put egg in first, dumbass, water first, then egg, then your toy, that changes, then you take it out, you put it in ice, ah, eat it.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Time to spare.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  I didn't hear any shock. Ah, that was the.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  That was the.

• 18:07Speaker 05

  It was all part of the original shock.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Wait, eight seconds.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  All right.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 18:13Speaker 03

  A lot of misconceptions, bag first, no, elevation, oh, what you want to do, boil toy, oh, that, shock.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Do you get to eat your eggs?

• 18:22Speaker 03

  No. Decoration.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Mark, four seconds, I believe in you.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Cold egg, high, no, hot egg, cold, shock.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  It's a trick, cold egg, high, no.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  No, I think you pretty much covered it all. Wait, you have two seconds.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  All right.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 18:50Speaker 03

  Hot egg, shock, eat. What did you hit?

• 18:55Speaker 05

  Time to spare, I, I guess.

• 18:59Speaker 03

  The guy just did the, the greatest egg job of his life.

• 19:04Speaker 03

  Hey, I looked the part.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Well, now I just want to go eat eggs.

• 19:09Speaker 03

  I want a PB and J.

• 19:12Speaker 06

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• 19:42Speaker 03

  This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah, we all need that sometimes and Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered, it's showing up no matter what.

• 19:54Speaker 04

  I think that might be them knocking on the door and because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI, I'm not 100% sure.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will, we're on our way. Uber, on our way. Download the app today.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Wade.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm here.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  You get to go first on this one. Tell me how you would write a letter and mail it to somebody. You have one minute on the clock, you're writing a letter and then you're mailing it.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  All right.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Ready, set, do it.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  There are a lot of misconceptions about writing letters. I'm not going to go over those. What you need is an envelope, stamp, pen and paper. Get the paper, your pen, you write your letter, you follow it up, you stick it in the envelope, seal up your envelope, give it a little, close it up, write your address, top left corner, write whoever you want to send it to in the middle, stamp on the right, mailbox, flag, boing, you're done. Time to spare.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  You have to, you have to your own life.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm used to pressure.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  All right, Mark, you get 30 seconds.

• 21:06Speaker 05

  So do I have to do it in 15 and 15 seconds of silence at the end of it?

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Mark, you get the, you get the normal interval, you get 30 seconds and you can do it in 15 or whatever. Wade, you get half the amount of time that you were going to get every time you have to go this round.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  Fuck me.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Since you don't need all that extra time.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  So Mark, you get 30 seconds.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  So I have to repeat this thing word for word perfectly? Okay, alright, I got it.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Same pacing, everything. He gave you 30 seconds of material. Ready?

• 21:39Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Set, go.

• 21:42Speaker 05

  There's a lot of misconceptions about writing a letter. I'm not gonna get into that. But what I will tell you is that you need a pen, paper, and stamps. In that order. Uh huh. Then you write on the paper, you stick it in the envelope, you give it a lick, it'll seal it up. Mailbox, put it in there, flag.

• 22:05Speaker 05

  You're done. I don't even know if I took 30 seconds.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  But you skipped a few steps. You skipped the envelope and the writing of the addresses, but otherwise, good.

• 22:13Speaker 05

  Pretty close. I thought it had your name, I don't know.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Alright, Wade, you jump all the way down to eight seconds on this one.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Okay. Alright.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  You would've gotten 15, but since you don't need that back half of your time, I'm gonna give you eight seconds and we're gonna call it good. Ready, set, go.

• 22:29Speaker 05

  No misconceptions, pen, paper, write, put it in the envelope. Write your address, their address, stamp, mailbox, done.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  How do you? I don't even think you skipped anything. Well, you did skip some stuff from your very first one, but...

• 22:41Speaker 05

  No, no, no way.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  You get even less time, if that's possible. Can I give you less than one second when it's your turn?

• 22:48Speaker 05

  You could try.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  I'll try. Mark, you get eight seconds.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Don't make that, don't make that noise of me. All these rules make sense. All these decisions are super rational.

• 23:01Speaker 05

  I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I got it, I love it.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 23:06Speaker 05

  Don't look at my misconceptions! Look at my paper! Oh, I'm writing on it! Where'd it go? It's in the mailbox!

• 23:14Speaker 05

  You have time to spare.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  I can set a timer for zero seconds. I don't know why that's doable in this app, but Wade, I have decided by the rules of fairness, which is a word I am allowed to say, that you get to make one sound and it can be a long sound, but you get one sound.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  Can the sound evolve if it's still the same breath?

• 23:42Speaker 01

  Fine. If you stop making sound at any point, your answer ends. I guess take a deep breath. Yeah, ready? The floor is yours. Go.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  Ah, all right. Did you crumple it up or?

• 23:58Speaker 03

  The was writing, the was the licking and the boing was the mailbox.

• 24:02Speaker 04

  I think I did pick up on all that. I think I did.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  It's yeah, no, that's true.

• 24:06Speaker 03

  Going from the

• 24:09Speaker 03

  to boing was tougher than I thought in my head.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  You know, I hear a lot of voice actors say that and it never gets easier.

• 24:16Speaker 03

  Not everybody can boing like your boy.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  I'm losing track of everything. Mark gets to go first on this one?

• 24:21Speaker 05

  Yes. Yeah.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  Yes, thank God. Mark gets to go first on this one.

• 24:24Speaker 05

  Well, I don't know. It depends if he says a lot of stuff, you know?

• 24:28Speaker 04

  Wait, wait, it's okay. I'm gonna make it all sound effect based.

• 24:35Speaker 01

  You don't cook a lot of eggs, so that maybe you are at a disadvantage and nobody mails letters.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  I like fried eggs. I don't do boiled eggs. I do fried eggs.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  I know that we all do this thing I'm about to ask Mark to describe. And even if it's purely sound effects, we, we all know what this sounds like. A hundred percent. Mark, I would like you to describe in one minute, how you get dressed when you start your day.

• 24:58Speaker 05

  All right.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 25:01Speaker 05

  When you wake up in the morning and open your eyes and you look down south, nothing on your thighs. You gotta get some pants out of your drawers. Get out on the balcony, let them hear you roar. It's your brand new day and you're on your way to wherever you're going. It's okay. You gotta make some money.

• 25:28Speaker 05

  To pay your bills, but you won't go all the way up that hill. Where the tree is there and a chair and a noose. You stay away from that thing and you get on the loose. And don't forget your shirt, cause you only got pants. A sock for each foot, maybe glove for your hands. Uh, maybe some jewelry, maybe a watch, maybe your glasses. It's not a lot. You're ready.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Wait, you got that?

• 26:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, I guess.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  I mean, I think we all know that song. I sing that to myself every morning as I'm getting ready.

• 26:18Speaker 05

  If anything, it's because it's a song, it should be weirdly more memorable, right?

• 26:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like a, it's like a pneumatic device.

• 26:24Speaker 05

  Did I got the first rhyme and then nothing? I couldn't tell you fucking single rhyme.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  Alright, Wade, since I know you have it in your head, you have 30 seconds. You ready?

• 26:36Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Ready, sec, go.

• 26:37Speaker 05

  When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down, see there's nothing on your thighs. You go over to your drawer, cause you need some more pants. So you put on your pants and you go outside and you go up a hill and you get a big thrill and you realize, shit, you forgot your shirt and it's not a bit and you took a little squirt. So you go back home, put the gloves on your hands, you need to make some money and fold it in bands. Maybe some hats and maybe some socks. If you need shoes, you can kick some rocks. Fucking dressed.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I actually wrote down what Mark said. I think you got all but one, which was very impressive.

• 27:19Speaker 05

  What'd I forget?

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Uh, watch. Watch.

• 27:23Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  Mark, I don't know how you're possibly gonna top that, but you have 15 seconds to try.

• 27:27Speaker 05

  Five, six, seven. When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down south and you got nothing on your thighs. Then you go out, get some pants on your ass and then you go outside, hear a roar. Then you come back in, oh god, the hill, the hill, the hill, the hill.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  Shirt, watch, jewelry. You're ready to go.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  The hill, the hill.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Uh, Wade, you have eight seconds. Wow us. Ready, set, go.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  Open your eyes, cover your thighs, go outside with your will, get the big thrill, could be hill. Go inside gloves, hat, watch jewelry, everything else, your dress, woo hoo. The best.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Time to spare on that one, wow.

• 28:17Speaker 03

  The hill, the hill, the hill.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  Well, I'm really sorry, Mark, but you have four seconds.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  All right, here we go.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  On your, on your go, sir.

• 28:26Speaker 03

  It's exactly as long as five, six, seven, eight. I got dressed the night before.

• 28:37Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  Oh, well, Wade, you have two seconds.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  All right, am I repeating that or am I doing the previous one?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Well, it's really up to you, but I'll decide how many points you get based on if I like it or not, so.

• 28:49Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm ready.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  On your go, sir. I'll give you the benefit.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Open your eyes, cover your thighs, pants, on the hill, on the hill, go, I have gloves, jewelry, have voice, watch, fuck, dress.

• 29:02Speaker 03

  You even had time to fuck in there, according to my rhyme.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, Wade, Wade really added some steps somehow. I do feel like you went overtime a little bit, but I think Mark cheated by getting dressed the night before.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  How to get dressed, just do it the night before.

• 29:20Speaker 06

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• 29:50Speaker 01

  Wade, you get to go first on this one. And I assume it will be the best one because I am, Clay, I'm saying that it will be the last one. So Wade, you have one minute. And as Mark demonstrated, you may sing, I guess, if that's the thing you want to do. Or do whatever else you want to explain to me how to change the oil in your car.

• 30:11Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  You know how that works, right?

• 30:14Speaker 03

  Nope, let's do it.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Go.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  So you got a new ride and your car just died. I don't want to spoil, maybe you need more oil. You go down low, you remove the bedpan. The oil drips out, you say, hey, no, man. So you get a nice bucket that you have to tuck it. The oil drips in and then you know you're gonna win. You seal it back up and you go on top. Take the screw right off, you go, oh, I need a mop. You clean it up because that engine's a little messy. And I guess now you know you're done, you're bestie. You pour more oil in and you seal it back up. You close the top, you go to get some sop, you earn some dinner. And then you think to yourself, I left that bucket of oil outside, better go clean it up.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  So you go grab the oil and you take it somewhere else and you dump it in the ocean to get arrested for pollution. And now you're in jail, but your car's nice and won't fail. Time to spare.

• 31:17Speaker 03

  I think I said bedpan.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  You did say bedpan, yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, that was the weird part of it all. That was the weird part.

• 31:27Speaker 03

  I'm sorry, was that not correct?

• 31:29Speaker 01

  That's a very neanderthal oil change, but.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  Oh, thank you. I happen to notice, good luck, Mark.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  I, I'm.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  I'm ready.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  Alrighty, Mark, you have thirty seconds.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  They said it couldn't be done. Your car on electricity, it runs. I said, "Fi on thee, I will do what I do." I get down below and I find myself a screw.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Oh, he electrocuted himself to death with time despair.

• 32:17Speaker 03

  Time despair.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  I'll lose points for that as well. I'll take my... What do you mean? You did a perfect imitation of what I did.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  I was gonna give you a bonus points, yes.

• 32:28Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, okay, good. That's what I meant.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Alright, wait, I'm not sure what you're supposed to do at this point.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  I got it.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  You have fifteen seconds to do it.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, I got it. This is the freestyle round.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  Ready, go.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  So your friend just died. He had a shocking ride. He tried to change the oil, but a deadly was spoiled 'cause he shocked himself. Now he's fucking dead. So you get his car and drive it instead. No oil needed, no oil needed. Time to spare.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  We're definitely playing the game by the rules, right? Oh, yeah.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  I think Rachel's gonna be real proud of this one.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  Please don't show her, please don't watch.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  She's gonna come up to us after the show and clap her head on our shoulder.

• 33:15Speaker 03

  Is that the title? Rachel, don't watch.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  Rachel Weck is not allowed to watch this. Go away. Uh, Mark, good news. You only have eight seconds to fill. I know you're just brimming with ideas, but, uh, go ahead and I'll just start it when you start, 'cause I don't wanna rush ya.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  Oh, five, six, seven, eight.

• 33:43Speaker 05

  Get it? Cause I was dead.

• 33:46Speaker 01

  I get it. It's like, uh, we went from playing a simple game to doing like a, this is like a herald now. Telling stories, crafting narratives.

• 33:55Speaker 04

  Is that what this podcast actually is? Just one long herald?

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Are we geniuses?

• 34:00Speaker 04

  No.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  I could definitely say I'm not. And without sounding too rude, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, I don't think Wade is either.

• 34:09Speaker 04

  I zone out. No, Wade could secretly be a genius and we would, we would never know.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  That's true. He pretends to be, uh, the aloof.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  It is so much more fun playing a fool than it ever is being smart.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  How would you know?

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Oh, that's a good point. Banana.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Uh, we almost had him, Mark. We almost had him. He almost spilled his guts right there.

• 34:29Speaker 04

  Nothing stupider than say banana. Nothing.

• 34:32Speaker 03

  It's what us minions do.

• 34:36Speaker 03

  You know?

• 34:37Speaker 05

  Was it being the eye or what was it?

• 34:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was the, the one I.

• 34:41Speaker 03

  I think, I don't know. I'm stupid.

• 34:46Speaker 03

  Is that what that's called?

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Well, Wade, you have four seconds.

• 34:51Speaker 03

  All right, I'm ready. I'm ready.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Ready, set, go.

• 34:54Speaker 03

  Right, died. Oil died. I'm rich. Hello, config. I'm just spare.

• 34:58Speaker 04

  Holy shit.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Smoking fast. Mark, would you like to play dead for two seconds?

• 35:04Speaker 03

  No, no, I got this.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Okay. If you don't. I was just gonna say, if you don't play dead, I'm gonna dock you points. Cause that's, that's, that's the. Hey, do what you want. Do what you want. Two seconds. Go ahead.

• 35:16Speaker 03

  I drive it to the shop and pay a man.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  But he's dead. But I'm dead.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Got one of them self-driving cars.

• 35:29Speaker 04

  Uh, you know, it's got something. Sometimes it does. It reactivated itself. Whatever its auto, auto kind of thing is, it just suddenly was like, you have it again now. And I'm like, why? You said I had to pay for that. Did you charge me for it? Why do I have it now?

• 35:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  Nobody's using it. Please have it. Oh my God, that's the biggest glob of spit I've ever spitted.

• 35:49Speaker 04

  The thing is like the smart cruise control worked already even without it. And I'm like, I don't need much more than that. I don't need this. I don't need to take my hands off the wheel is what I'm saying. I don't want to take my hands off the wheel. I like my hands right on the wheel.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  I don't know if we've talked about it on this show specifically, but have you seen those commercials now where I don't know which company is advertising that you're supposed to take your hands off the wheel and it's like showing people in the driver's seat of the car, like not paying attention to the driving at all, just like talk, having conversation, like doing other shit.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  That's wrong, Cotton.

• 36:22Speaker 01

  I don't remember which company is, but the commercials are completely shocking to me. Because literally the, it's like encouraging you to get your hands off the wheel and start paying attention to other shit that's happening inside the car.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  That's incredibly stupid and irresponsible.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  And it's not even, that's, don't sue us, but it's not even Tesla. Cause you might hear that and think like, ah, it sounds like something Tesla would do, right? Cause they're super gung ho about it. I remember it's not a Tesla commercial. As far as I know, they don't even run commercials, but I think it's one of the main, it was one of the big car companies that the whole commercial is like, yeah, don't look, take your hands off. Take a nap. You don't have to pay attention to anything. We'll drive for you.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  I don't think I want that.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  What were we talking about?

• 37:04Speaker 03

  The Tesla smell and how it's an elongated musk.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  We played the dead oil change game.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's my favorite improv game, Dead Oil Change. Uh, in no particular order, Wade, you got points for, oh, let me start. Deviation point for your nose, I guess. Uh, can I get a hickey? An asshole point for the first round of the game where you didn't understand the rules and tortured Mark for some reason. The one sound answer that you gave, time to spare bit. Eventually I did give you a point for that. This one just says fuck point. Oh, cause you had time to fuck. That's right. You were putting your clothes on and you found time and you got the no oil needed point. Leaving you with a total of eight points. I got one point before the episode even started, cause I don't remember.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Mark, you got points for, uh, making it awkward. The coincidence that just happened to come up about regarding your movie and the timing thereof.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Pussy pop hike.

• 38:11Speaker 04

  I gotta admit, that was Wade that said that. I want to be clear.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  I did not.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  Wade said something and you heard pussy pop. So I don't.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  Oh, he gets the point for that one. I he can have the pussy pop.

• 38:22Speaker 04

  Ah, he definitely has all claim to the pussy pop.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  I might have been taken to the barber shop, but he can make the pussy pop.

• 38:31Speaker 01

  Um, I'm gonna cut that off right there. Mark, you got a point for the toy that changes in the egg. You lost a point for I got dressed the night before and you got another point for being fucking dead, which leaves you with a grand total of six points.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  Points were hard to come by today.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  I know. I usually give them out. I'm usually a point slut, but today I was in no mood.

• 38:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, I wasn't counting Wade's, so I didn't know I was under. I thought I was feeling pretty good about that.

• 38:59Speaker 03

  Really? You would only be you'd be right there if it went for the minus one.

• 39:01Speaker 04

  You gave me the pussy pop point, right?

• 39:03Speaker 01

  I kept that on your side. Yeah.

• 39:04Speaker 03

  Oh, now he wants it. Now he wants that pussy pop point. A PP.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  Everybody loves PPPs. I had a lot of talk about that during the last election cycle. Two wheel spins. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

• 39:17Speaker 04

  I see nothing, so I have full faith in this.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  You do. Oh, you don't see?

• 39:22Speaker 04

  I see nothing.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  I do. Well, I'll treat you like the listeners. I'll I'll read it out for you when we get there.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  I'm gonna give a point to whoever would make Rachel the most proud.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Who is that today?

• 39:36Speaker 03

  Bob? But does Bob get the point?

• 39:38Speaker 01

  No, I think she would have been really proud of all of us. You know what? I think Mark would win that point today because he started singing unprompted.

• 39:46Speaker 03

  That's true. He was the first to sing. That's true.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  And also I hate singing, so I would never have done that. But Mark is a bold, a bold leader. Anyway, two spins.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Uh, the wheel is spinning. It's slowing. The wheel approaches and lands on.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  Scary contribution.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  That that one's obviously Mark for the FNAF bring up and his rated R movie.

• 40:08Speaker 04

  It's a horror movie. It is. It is very spooky.

• 40:12Speaker 03

  I got my head shaved, man. Is that scarier than scary movies? I don't know.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  Uh, disable all the next spins, but again, please don't do anything to me.

• 40:24Speaker 04

  Best word used. Wade did say pussy pop.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Elongated musk.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Nah, I don't care. I don't care for that one. That, that, that, that bit can go away. And I feel like both of you, when you were singing, you like rhymed some things and you threw some point. Well, no, I, I think Mark might be right, though. Wade did say pussy pop.

• 40:47Speaker 03

  You disagreed with that just a few minutes ago. What do you?

• 40:51Speaker 01

  I didn't disagree with that. I just, I just decided that Mark should get that point regardless of whether you said it or, or he heard it.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  Eders, what did I actually say?

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Pussy pop is the best word that anyone used tonight. I think science will back me up on that. That makes the final score. Mark with six and Wade with nine.

• 41:12Speaker 04

  I got trowched.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  I should have had seven. That way this episode could be all six sevens.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  Six, nine is our generation's funny numbers. Okay. We don't need six, seven. We have six, nine.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Cause it's mouthful of private parts.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  You just keep saying stuff tonight and I love it.

• 41:27Speaker 03

  I'm here and I'm barely awake and functional.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  It's like noon for you. I know it's late at night, but you, you wake up at 1pm and stand, you work until four in the morning. I can't possibly say it's not a good time for you.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  I'm not sleeping great. I say as an adult.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  I haven't either, but I've been sick. You don't have any excuses. You winner.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  I was sick yesterday. I had food poisoning, I think, which was not pleasant, but it's a different kind of sick.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Mark, would you like to give a pussy popping loser speech?

• 41:54Speaker 04

  Five, six.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  Or a regular one.

• 42:00Speaker 04

  No, no, I can't do it now. Oh, it's ruined. I can't sing my loser speech. Thanks, Bob. Anyway, I lost, but hey, did I really? When you can buy tickets for Iron Lung right now? Check your local listing, I think.

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Coming out junuary, junuary.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  Call 1-800-MOVIE-PHONE and that guy who reads the movie times will tell you when Iron Lung is playing in your theater. There's one point, if there's an argument that this episode of this podcast was making, it's that you should see Iron Lung. Wade, would you like to give a normal winner's speech?

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Well, okay. This was a fun one. I was not anticipating the singing, but it did go probably well for everyone watching and listening. I hope you all had fun. But I do want to take time from this winner's speech to say, you should go get tickets to see Iron Lung. And that really only matters to one of us, but like, he's our friend, we want to support him, and I also want to go see it.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  Does it matter to you?

• 42:57Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, like, we don't have financial connection to it. You know, we're not like promoted, promoted to say it.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Rising tide raises all boats. Like, I'm not gonna push for this, because I'm not that guy. But I feel like you and I almost need to be credited, like, we need a spot in the credit roll for our role in being here and watching Mark do all of this hard work on the movie that's finally getting... We didn't do anything, but we were here the whole time.

• 43:26Speaker 04

  It is true. It is true. You guys were here the whole time, so I do appreciate that, always do. I had this realization that, like, I have been working on this movie for nearly a third of the time that I have been together with Amy.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 43:42Speaker 04

  And that didn't feel great.

• 43:46Speaker 01

  That's a crazy way to frame that.

• 43:47Speaker 04

  It's not quite a third, but it's not a quarter, it's over a quarter.

• 43:51Speaker 03

  That's wild.

• 43:52Speaker 04

  I don't know why that particular thought popped in my head, and I was just like, mm.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Hmm. I mean, I had the thought that I've been with Molly a third of my life the other day. Very, it's different, but similar line of thinking. My career doing this has been a third of my life, YouTube and such.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  Uh, Wade, congratulations, you'll be hosting the next one.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Yep, we're doing, we're getting older, part six.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Well, or weird part five.

• 44:15Speaker 03

  I snuck in a weird four, so maybe, you never know.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Make sure you follow these guys on their socials, make sure you check out wherever Iron Lung is playing near you, because tickets are on sale now. Also, we should mention, the merch drop is not nearly as important as the movie, but there is a holiday merch drop for Distractible, and I know what the designs are, and they're pretty funny. Just check them out.

• 44:35Speaker 04

  Distractible.shop or distractible.store if I get enough time to make it that also.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  Distractible dot shop is the one you want. Check that out. There's some holiday stuff. If you order, well, you better order fast because it's probably going to sell out fast. But if you order quickly, you might even be able to get it before Christmas. I think there's a guarantee on that and check it out. Thank you for sticking with yet another one of your second cousin's niece's favorite podcast, that joke I used to make, and we are out of here. Podcast out.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  Watch new episodes on Spotify.