463: I’ve Signed More Books Than God

Why do we say “you’re welcome” in response to “thank you”? What habits and traits have Hank and John copied from each other? How do I use social media to connect with people without falling into doomscrolling? What do I do with my extra copies of “Hollywood, Ending”? Is lightning the same on other planets? What is ANZ? How did birds survive the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Is a field of grass one organism or many? …Hank and John Green have answers! This was recorded July 29th! If you're in need of dubious advice, email us at [email protected] Join us for monthly livestreams at patreon.com/dearhankandjohn Produced for Hank and John Green by Complexly See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Hank Green?

  You're listening to a Complexly podcast.

• 0:09Hank Green?

  Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

• 0:12John Green?

  Or as I prefer to think of it, Dear John and Hank.

• 0:14Hank Green?

  It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you dubious advice and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon. John, I had a time travel joke for you, but you didn't like it, so.

• 0:25John Green?

  Sure I didn't. I don't doubt that I didn't.

• 0:30John Green?

  I'm so grateful for that version of myself that said no to the joke. I'm fine. I am excited about Hollywood Ending coming out in September. I am nervous appropriately and a lot of my energy is going toward planning the tour that I'm gonna go on. You can get tickets at HollywoodEndingBook.com. A lot of my energy is going into starting to do press for the book, which, as you know, because you've read it, is a very funny experience. It's funny to do press about a book about doing press.

• 1:06Hank Green?

  They're doing press.

• 1:07John Green?

  Yeah, little bit. Little bits here and there.

• 1:10Hank Green?

  Very embargoed press, I guess. I guess.

• 1:13John Green?

  Somewhat embargoed press, but you know, the challenge of this book for me is I just don't want people to be spoiled. Like, I want people to have a pretty cold reading experience, at least the people who have enough faith in me and the book to preorder it.

• 1:29Hank Green?

  Yep.

• 1:30John Green?

  And yet, at the same time, you can't talk about a book without talking about its plot a little bit. And so balancing that is a little hard.

• 1:40Hank Green?

  I now have, for many years, had embargoed information. You know, they give you these embargoed... It's like, hey, we're gonna tell you about this thing.

• 1:51John Green?

  Yeah.

• 1:51Hank Green?

  But you have to promise, before we tell you, not to talk about it until a certain date.

• 1:56John Green?

  Right.

• 1:57Hank Green?

  And that's what the embargo is. And I always feel really guilty when I get those and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, send it over. And then I do nothing with it. It's like, oh, so I've got this embargoed paper that's not gonna come out for two weeks. And it's pretty cool. But I think that's part of the thing. They want you to sign up for the embargo so then you feel some obligation to do something with the information, which normally I would feel no obligation to.

• 2:22John Green?

  Yeah, totally. I have been in similar situations many times. I think technically there's a review embargo, but just for the record, if you've read Hollywood Ending, like if you got an advanced reader's copy somehow, which some booksellers have, break the embargo. I wanna know what you thought.

• 2:39Hank Green?

  Post a quick Goodreads review.

• 2:41John Green?

  I can't handle it anymore.

• 2:42Hank Green?

  Oh, my God.

• 2:43John Green?

  There's one Goodreads review from a nerd fighter to whom I sent the book. And it's great. And I'm really...

• 2:53Hank Green?

  Never mind, everybody. Stop. Nobody review it.

• 2:56John Green?

  I'm really grateful for it because until then, it had just been a solid wall of no reaction. And so at least there's one, and it's positive.

• 3:06Hank Green?

  Okay, good.

• 3:06John Green?

  But yeah, it's this whole thing is so stressful.

• 3:08Hank Green?

  Five-star rating on Goodreads, everybody.

• 3:10John Green?

  This whole thing is so stressful. God. I mean, it's fun. I'm grateful for it. It's incredibly fortunate to be able to write books, but man, I feel nauseated all the time.

• 3:21Hank Green?

  I'm really worried about my... I shouldn't say this out loud, probably, but I'm worried about my book because, like, I need to get stuff so right. And...

• 3:29John Green?

  Yeah. Well, with cancer, it's a book about cancer, and you don't wanna be wrong about cancer.

• 3:35Hank Green?

  Yeah, not the medical parts especially, or the other parts. That's also a thing that I worried about that so much with the comedy special, where people were gonna be like, why would you tour a special about cancer when you have one particular experience?

• 3:49John Green?

  Yeah.

• 3:49Hank Green?

  That's a great experience as compared to my terrible experience. And I just got, like, none of that pushback because, of course, it was a personal story about a personal thing. But this is broader than that. But it's also broader than that. You know, I don't just tell my story. But we shouldn't be talking about my book. It's coming out a year from now.

• 4:07John Green?

  Yeah, no, it's a complete waste of time and energy if it's not available for pre-sale now at HollywoodEndingBook.com. I am really excited for your book not to continue telling people information about a book that they can't preorder. But I also understand that worry. I think it is damn near universal among authors. And the authors who don't feel it, I'm a little suspicious of because they should.

• 4:35Hank Green?

  Right, right.

• 4:36John Green?

  You should feel nervous. You should feel like I poured my whole self into this and it contains all of me. And so, of course, I'm terrified.

• 4:43Hank Green?

  It's so weird to be a YouTuber who also writes books, where so much of my YouTube content is, ah, here you go. This is the labor of my four hours today on the day when I release it.

• 4:59John Green?

  Yeah. Yeah. Earlier today, I had an idea, and now I can't wait for your feedback versus like, for the last seven years, I've been working on a thing, and now I've gotta wait nine months for your feedback.

• 5:11Hank Green?

  Yeah, yeah. I posted this thought that I had this morning, and now I will never think about it again.

• 5:17John Green?

  Let's get to some questions from our listeners.

• 5:19Hank Green?

  Absolutely, John. This first question is from Ava, who asks, Dear Hank and John, why do we say "you're welcome" in response to "thank you"? Are we informing the thinker that they have indeed been welcomed? I find this baffling now that it's being said to me.

• 5:34John Green?

  I also find it baffling. You are welcome.

• 5:38Hank Green?

  You're welcome to the thing that I did to you or for you or gave you. Like, if it's a gift and you're saying thank you, then I get it. It's like, here's this. And you're like, thank you. And I'm like, well, you're welcome to have it. You're welcomed into the experience of, you don't have to thank me. You're welcome.

• 5:55John Green?

  I guess it means, maybe it just means in the broadest possible sense, you are welcome here. And so like, when you're saying thank you...

• 6:02Hank Green?

  In this experience.

• 6:03John Green?

  Yeah, what you're really saying is like, no, no, no, you are welcome to this door opening that I did for you.

• 6:14Hank Green?

  This, as far as we know, this is, oh, interesting. So it looks like the welcome mat maybe came along right aside it. So "you're welcome" is a formulaic response to thank you. This is according to the Etymology Online Dictionary, is attested by 1907, and the welcome mat is from 1908, and the welcome wagon is from 1940. So possibly, this came from inviting someone into a home.

• 6:46John Green?

  Oh, like, you are welcome here.

• 6:48Hank Green?

  Yeah. And then we were just like, that also goes for everything. Every time I open a door for you, but also then every time I do anything that might be nice, that I'm being thanked for.

• 6:59John Green?

  I've always found it better than like the French version, where they say, "it's nothing, de rien."

• 7:04Hank Green?

  Oh, yeah, it's better.

• 7:05John Green?

  I think "you're welcome"... I like "you're welcome" because "you're welcome" at least means nothing, whereas saying "it's nothing" is like saying like, hey, thank you so much for this gift. Ah, it's nothing.

• 7:17Hank Green?

  Actually, that wasn't a big deal for me, and I didn't consider you at all.

• 7:22John Green?

  Right, exactly. It's nothing.

• 7:25Hank Green?

  It's nothing.

• 7:26John Green?

  "You're welcome" at least means like, you know, I acknowledge your thanks.

• 7:31Hank Green?

  Oh, man.

• 7:32John Green?

  I'm not trying to minimize or dismiss your thanks, which I think is important. We so often minimize and dismiss each other's feelings.

• 7:38Hank Green?

  John, do you wanna do a little time travel right now?

• 7:40John Green?

  Sure, yeah, to where I didn't like your joke?

• 7:43Hank Green?

  Yeah. So here's the situation. I'm having an idea right now for a YouTube video. I have a crick in my neck at the moment. I've hurt my neck. And so I have what's called a pain in the neck. And we sometimes call people or events pains in the neck because a pain in the neck is bad. It's one of the worst pains. But maybe worse is a pain in the butt, which I always sort of thought for a great deal of my life, that a pain in the butt was just like a cute thing to say. Turns out, a pain in the butt can be quite bad. It can be just as bad as, if not worse, than a pain in the neck.

• 8:14John Green?

  Sure.

• 8:15Hank Green?

  And so there are real pains in the butt that are about the butthole, which I did not get.

• 8:23John Green?

  Sure, fissures and whatnot.

• 8:25Hank Green?

  That word is about the butthole, that phrase, originally. I don't think that we think of it. We're not thinking about buttholes when we call someone a pain in the patootie. But I'm very curious, because I was just looking at the use of "you're welcome" over time, how this has evolved. And so maybe my Vlogbrothers video this week is going to be the evolution of pains in the thing, where I will look at, how did, like, at what point did butt cross neck? Because I bet, like, my hypothesis is that it used to be like a pain in the neck, and then that wasn't quite, you know, society...

• 9:00John Green?

  Visceral enough.

• 9:01Hank Green?

  Yeah, continued to sort of be less taboo about body stuff.

• 9:05John Green?

  Right.

• 9:05Hank Green?

  And then it became, like, pain in the butt took over for a thing that was a pain.

• 9:10John Green?

  That's your hypothesis, but it could be wrong. It could be the pain in the butt, like, drastically predates pain in the neck. At any rate, I think it's interesting that "you're welcome" is only from 1907. I would have thought that "you're welcome" was a permanent fixture of the English language, but in fact, it's about as old as, like, The Oldest Person.

• 9:26Hank Green?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Oldest Person currently was born in a world of "you're welcome," but barely.

• 9:33John Green?

  I don't know that that's true, Hank. I think there's a person...

• 9:37Hank Green?

  A hundred and twenty years ago? There's no 120-year-olds.

• 9:40John Green?

  Yeah, there are.

• 9:41Hank Green?

  What?

• 9:42John Green?

  Google it. How old's the oldest person in the world right now?

• 9:46Hank Green?

  Yeah. I think it's like 117.

• 9:49John Green?

  Google it.

• 9:49Hank Green?

  It's my guess.

• 9:51John Green?

  Okay, that's your hypothesis.

• 9:52Hank Green?

  Her name is Ethel, which is perfect.

• 9:55John Green?

  Perfect.

• 9:57Hank Green?

  And she is, oh, my God, John, you know how off I was?

• 10:00John Green?

  How?

• 10:01Hank Green?

  I was off by doing math 13 days.

• 10:06John Green?

  Wow. She's 118 or 116?

• 10:09Hank Green?

  She's 116.

• 10:11John Green?

  So Ethel was born into a world of "you're welcome," but barely.

• 10:15Hank Green?

  Yeah. Yeah. And then the oldest man is 297.

• 10:20John Green?

  No, no, the oldest man is in fact younger than the oldest woman.

• 10:24Hank Green?

  Yeah, you're right. That's correct. That's correct.

• 10:26John Green?

  I wish Ethel a long and happy life. I guess she's already had a long life, but I wish her a happy one.

• 10:32John Green?

  In what days may remain to her. Emphasis on days.

• 10:35Hank Green?

  Yeah, I, I hope that she has had a healthy life. I don't know. Is it, what, what's the, you know, when the rest of your life is, is measured in single-digit percentages.

• 10:45John Green?

  Yeah.

• 10:45Hank Green?

  It's really, it's really more about the past than the future.

• 10:48John Green?

  Just know that if I lived to be 117, I wasn't happy about it.

• 10:52Hank Green?

  No, I've got a crick in the neck now.

• 10:55John Green?

  I know. Imagine the discomforts of 117-ness.

• 10:59Hank Green?

  The first time this happened to me, I was in high school and I was like, what is this?

• 11:05John Green?

  I know. I know, man.

• 11:06Hank Green?

  Why? What happened? Why did that become a thing? You know what it was?

• 11:09John Green?

  What?

• 11:10Hank Green?

  I got a computer.

• 11:12John Green?

  Oh, you think so? Remember when I-

• 11:13Hank Green?

  I've been living that computer life ever since.

• 11:15John Green?

  Remember when I dislocated a vertebra in my neck and mom and dad didn't believe me? And then there was an x-ray and they were like, oh God, I'm so sorry.

• 11:23Hank Green?

  Yeah, well, that's, that's the, the John Green story where it's like, everybody's like, there's a very little chance this is a big deal. And then it's like, actually you have a brain infection.

• 11:33John Green?

  Right. Yeah. It was true with meningitis. Everyone was like, you don't have meningitis. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I do. And then,

• 11:41John Green?

  and then I did, and I felt so, I mean, obviously I felt really bad because I had meningitis, but I felt so good about being right that it almost evened out. All right, let's move on to anonymous who writes, Dear John and Hank, as someone who looks up to my older sister, I've realized that a lot of my habits and interests are deeply influenced by her. For example, one time in high school, I decided to change my handwriting to look like hers, which involved changing my Fs to look like cursive Fs and writing extremely tiny. My question to you as the nation's most iconic brotherly duo is, what habits and traits have you taken up in inspiration from each other? Anonymously anonymous, anonymous. This person really does not want their sister to know that they changed their Fs to cursive Fs to look like their sister. Geez.

• 12:20Hank Green?

  Well, I've got, my list is long and includes both 90% of my music taste and 90% of my career.

• 12:29John Green?

  Yeah, I would say, like, doing stuff that Hank thinks is cool is so important to me that, I mean, that's why I still make YouTube videos. I don't think that I-

• 12:39Hank Green?

  Do you really think, you think you would be out of the game if not for-

• 12:41John Green?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think I would have left the game a long time ago if it weren't for you.

• 12:46Hank Green?

  It's not just because you want to keep, keep the collab going, but because you, because I think it's cool?

• 12:51John Green?

  Yeah, like, I think it's something that you value and think is cool.

• 12:56Hank Green?

  That's a surprise. I wouldn't think that that would matter to you.

• 12:58John Green?

  That's funny. No, I mean, I am like, what you think is cool is, I mean, like, I'll give you another example. You recently invented a word game called Smush that I liked so much that I started editing it for you so that it could continue. And like, part of the reason I'm doing that is because you think it's cool.

• 13:13Hank Green?

  Interesting. I, I've, I have assumed, and we'll, we'll, we'll do the brother therapy live now, that you're in part doing it because you're like, uh, like, it's, it's important that we maintain the brotherly project. This is a thing that Hank is working on. And so I'm going to work on it, even though I'm not that excited about it.

• 13:34John Green?

  No, no, I'm very excited about it. I think it's really cool. Um, I, I think that there is an element of wanting to maintain the brotherly project, like knowing that we're closer when we share more professional stuff, because that's just the way we are wired as people. But I think that this, I'm interested in working most on the stuff that you really value, um, whether that's Good Store or, uh, Smush, you know, because it's the stuff that you think is cool that like drives you and like, there's something fun and exciting about being in the, in the seat with you, like, like being the tail to the comet as you're like streaking across the sky on some new project or whatever. So I, I, I think

• 14:18John Green?

  that's a big part of it. And then also, um, I, I don't know that my taste was defined by you as much as your taste was defined by what I was interested in, like when I was a few years older. I mean, I'm still a few years older than you, but like when it mattered,

• 14:34John Green?

  being a few years older than you. Um, but in addition to that, I think like, what you're interested in becomes by proxy, part of what I'm interested in, you know, like, um, and that's always been the case for both of us. Like, we, we pick up on each other's interests and elaborate on each other's interests and always have.

• 14:54Hank Green?

  Yeah. I mean, I, I oftentimes would be like, I remember as, as a young person, you would be into a band and I'd be so into that band for so long and way more than you.

• 15:07John Green?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I kind of like They Might Be Giants. And you'd be like, I really like They Might Be Giants.

• 15:12Hank Green?

  Remains a part of my personality to this day.

• 15:15John Green?

  Right, exactly.

• 15:16Hank Green?

  Yeah.

• 15:17John Green?

  I mean, I still like They Might Be Giants, but you like them more.

• 15:19Hank Green?

  Yeah, you don't like them like I do. Yeah. How many times have you seen They Might Be Giants live?

• 15:23John Green?

  Three.

• 15:25Hank Green?

  Okay.

• 15:26John Green?

  But that puts them in my top-

• 15:27Hank Green?

  That's good. Yeah, that's funny.

• 15:28John Green?

  That puts them in my top five overall number of concerts. It's like The Mountain Goats, They Might Be Giants, Taylor. Uh, those are my top three.

• 15:39Hank Green?

  Yeah, I, whereas I have seen They Might Be Giants in concert probably 10 or 12 times.

• 15:44John Green?

  Yeah. How many times have you seen Taylor?

• 15:45Hank Green?

  Zero, John.

• 15:46John Green?

  Wow.

• 15:49Hank Green?

  Yikes.

• 15:50John Green?

  Well, I know she's a listener to the pod, so she's going to be devastated, but she'll get over it. The last time I saw, the last time I saw Taylor actually- Well, no, but the last time I saw Taylor, she asked me almost exclusively about you.

• 16:02Hank Green?

  What?

• 16:02John Green?

  Yeah.

• 16:03Hank Green?

  I think you told me that and I blocked it out. Was it because, is it because I had cancer?

• 16:08John Green?

  No, no, no. It was before you had cancer. And she was like, I heard your brother's working on a novel. He's got a novel coming out. Like, it was, you know, she, she's, she keeps up with you, or she did 10 years ago.

• 16:17Hank Green?

  You know what? It's, you never know who's watching. I also just interviewed, this is, Humans has been a fun game, but I, uh, I also just interviewed T-Pain.

• 16:28John Green?

  Yeah.

• 16:28Hank Green?

  And at the end of my conversation with T-Pain, after the camera was off, after the recording ended, he was like, I just want to say thank you so much for helping me learn so much stuff about the world. And I was like-

• 16:36John Green?

  That's really cool.

• 16:37Hank Green?

  Wouldn't have guessed it was T-Pain watching.

• 16:40John Green?

  That's really cool. That's really cool. Well, I, I have such a high opinion of T-Pain. I hope you didn't disappoint in the Humans interview.

• 16:47Hank Green?

  No, no, he's very cool. He's very cool.

• 16:51John Green?

  Good. All right. We've got another question from Ollie. I think we answered that question sufficiently. Um, yeah. We got another question from Ollie who writes, Dear John and Hank, I've never had social media. Wow.

• 17:02Hank Green?

  What does that mean?

• 17:04John Green?

  And it's a very peaceful ignorance is bliss life, I bet.

• 17:07Hank Green?

  Uh huh.

• 17:08John Green?

  Stay gold, pony boy. However, as I get ready to head out to college, everyone keeps telling me that I need to get Instagram and other social media apps so I will be able to meet and connect with people. I want to make friends, but I don't want to end up doomed, scrolling my life away and unhealthily attached to my phone. I will do exactly what you suggest to remedy this situation. Awaiting further instruction, Ollie.

• 17:31Hank Green?

  Oh, man. Oh, nobody, everybody should end their questions that way. Nobody ever says that.

• 17:36John Green?

  No pressure.

• 17:40Hank Green?

  All right. I'm going to need you, I'm not going to need you to get really good at casino blackjack and just make a ton of money to donate to partners. He says I gotta do exactly what we said.

• 17:52John Green?

  Yeah, no, drop out of college. Drop out of college, become a professional blackjack card counter, make millions, donate it all to Partners in Health. That's our recommendation, Ollie.

• 18:04Hank Green?

  You're gonna do exactly what we say? Oh, man.

• 18:07John Green?

  I think that-

• 18:08Hank Green?

  I need you to become my personal, uh, financial advisor and be very good at it.

• 18:13John Green?

  I think that Ollie should get Snapchat, but not Instagram.

• 18:19Hank Green?

  Oh, interesting.

• 18:21John Green?

  Because don't kids, don't kids all use Snapchat?

• 18:24Hank Green?

  Boy, we are the-

• 18:25John Green?

  Or do they use Instagram? Do they DM on Instagram?

• 18:28Hank Green?

  I really, I'm worried about taking us seriously now.

• 18:32John Green?

  Oh, man, I don't know. I'm, I'm not an expert here.

• 18:36Hank Green?

  You're gonna have to have some kind of, well, are you?

• 18:41Hank Green?

  Text messaging is good, right? Do people, do people, I don't know. I don't know. I, I know that-

• 18:47John Green?

  I don't think young people text. I don't think they text, Hank. I don't think they text on iMessage. I think they text on like D, Instagram DMs and Snapchat, right? I mean, Ollie, you have come to the wrong place.

• 18:59Hank Green?

  You really have. We were so confident in the beginning and now we're really not. Cause, cause I know that like, like sending each other reels, that's a way that a lot of people sort of like connect and like say, I'm still thinking about you.

• 19:12John Green?

  I don't know that's a good form of connection.

• 19:15Hank Green?

  I agree. Maybe you should be the weirdo, Ollie. And we're gonna be really maybeing about this one. We're not going to give you direct advice. You need to, you need to play this by feel, but maybe like, there's always, there's always the weirdos at college. And I think that this is like a gaining trend is people being like, oh no, that's not for me. Now, I think it could seem a little bit performative, so you might have to be careful there. It's like people, people are going to be like, oh, all, all Ollie's ever talks about is that he does not on social media. But like, uh, that, that, that's, that's not, that'll be just because it'll be a thing, you know?

• 19:53John Green?

  Right.

• 19:54Hank Green?

  It'll come up.

• 19:55John Green?

  It reminds me of when, precisely because it wasn't performative at all, um, when I met the former Indianapolis Colts quarterback, Andrew Luck. And he was like, let me get your number, man. And I was like, of course, that'd be great. And he pulled out a like 1998 Nokia flip phone.

• 20:15Hank Green?

  Uh huh.

• 20:16John Green?

  And started typing into it. And I was like, is that a bit? And he was like, nope, this is my phone.

• 20:23John Green?

  I can text and I can call.

• 20:25Hank Green?

  Wow.

• 20:26John Green?

  And I was like, that is amazing.

• 20:28Hank Green?

  That is amazing.

• 20:29John Green?

  And so I think, Ollie, some people will be like, I think it's wonderful that you've stayed out of this, uh, this ocean that the rest of us are swimming in, that we all kind of know is toxic, but we're still swimming in. But I don't know. I don't know how, I don't know if you can survive without Instagram at college.

• 20:48Hank Green?

  I think that you obviously can survive.

• 20:53Hank Green?

  And I think that like, you know, you just have to like li- live the old ways where you go to clubs to meet people and

• 20:59John Green?

  Yeah.

• 21:00Hank Green?

  Not like the club. Clubs.

• 21:02John Green?

  No, go to the club, Ollie. Like, go to the like the

• 21:04Hank Green?

  Or the club.

• 21:05John Green?

  2:00 AM bumping EDM club.

• 21:07Hank Green?

  Yeah, yeah. You could learn a lot about. I don't know what happens at clubs anymore.

• 21:13John Green?

  I think there's still, uh, black lights and, uh, there's probably some twerking these days.

• 21:19Hank Green?

  Yeah, there wasn't.

• 21:20John Green?

  Boy, we're, boy, are we old.

• 21:22Hank Green?

  We, we predate club twerking, like our club eras.

• 21:27John Green?

  Yeah.

• 21:28Hank Green?

  Even, yeah, even our references to what's happening now are old. Yeah.

• 21:32John Green?

  Yeah, right. They're all, everybody's listening to this and they're like, I can't believe that they think people still use Instagram.

• 21:38Hank Green?

  Yeah. That's for mo- that's for elder millennials and up.

• 21:43John Green?

  Right.

• 21:44Hank Green?

  I don't know. I, all I know is that, uh, I have friends who are in their like late twenties, early thirties, and, and many of them don't email. And this is very disconcerting for me.

• 21:58John Green?

  God bless them and keep them.

• 22:01Hank Green?

  I guess, but it means that, it means the only way I could communicate with them is Instagram DMs, which is

• 22:07John Green?

  Right.

• 22:08Hank Green?

  confusing.

• 22:09John Green?

  Right. It is. It's difficult, which reminds me that today's podcast is brought to you by Instagram DMs. It's not the easiest for Hank and me.

• 22:16Hank Green?

  It's not. This podcast is also brought to you by the welcome mat, very slightly post-dating, you're welcome. And this podcast is brought to you by basing your entire career on what your brother is interested in. Weirdly, it works for both brothers.

• 22:32John Green?

  It does.

• 22:34Hank Green?

  This episode of Dear Hank and John is brought to you by Wayfair. There are a number of objects in my home that I have been extraordinarily well-served by, maybe for 15 or 20 years. Like a pair of fake leather upholstered stools that I've had forever, but they've seen better days. They maybe need a little bit of a refresh. Good news, Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Wayfair verified products are hand-vetted by product specialists using a 10-point quality inspection. You can use filters, customer photos, and more than 20 million verified five-star reviews to confidently find the right fit for your home. And now those stools that I had 15 or 20 years ago, I don't have those. I have different stools that are very

• 23:18Hank Green?

  comfortable and look, let's just say, better. Find pieces made for real life and get even more value with Wayfair Rewards. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 23:41Hank Green?

  This episode of Dear Hank and John is brought to you by Quince. I do very much like opening up my closet and finding an item that I know is going to be both comfortable and I'm just going to look good in it. It's going to go well with my khakis or my jeans or my third kind of pant that I, I have like a or, like a pair of orange pants. Just things that make getting dressed easier. And that's what Quince does best. Quince focuses on high-quality wardrobe staples made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and merino wool. And the styles are timeless and they're versatile and they're designed to become dependable pieces that you reach for day after day. This morning, I put on this jacket that I'm currently wearing with just a white t-shirt and I knew immediately this is gonna work. I went downstairs

• 24:25Hank Green?

  and Catherine was like, "Look at that nice jacket. Where'd that come from?" You know where it came from? It came from Quince. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're paying for the quality, not the brand markup. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know that it was Dear Hank and John. It's a good way to support the show. I feel like I should say it's Q U I N C E. I guess it's pretty easy to spell Quince. Quince.com. I feel tempted to make up a tagline for them, but that's not what they want me to do. I, I shouldn't do that.

• 25:14Hank Green?

  This episode of Dear Hank and John is brought to you by Factor. Factor makes chef-crafted, dietitian-designed, ready-to-eat meals so you don't have to choose between real food and convenience. You can have both real food and convenience, which is good because I will choose convenience every time, even if convenience is just peanuts again. Literally. I, I eat a lot of peanuts. Factor meals are ready in two minutes. And I'm not joking there. They are ready in two minutes and they require no prep and no cleanup. So even the days when your schedule is completely out of control, eating well is still achievable. But here's a secret I have for you. Sometimes I actually do introduce cleanup artificially. I will move it from the Factor container onto a plate so I can feel like I'm having

• 25:59Hank Green?

  a real meal. And that's fine. And then I have one plate to clean. I don't have a bunch of pots and pans to clean, though. Every week you will find over 100 nutrient-dense menu items to choose from and new options like salmon burgers, shredded pork, collard greens, and more. Plus add-ons you'll crave like pumpkin-flavored cheesecake and protein shakes. 97% of users agree that Factor meals help them live a healthier life. So you can feel confident that you're doing something good for yourself with every meal. True story, right now I do not have any Factor meals in my fridge and I am hungry and I'm about to go inside and absolutely rummage for something and I'm sad about it. Some current Factor meals include chicken taco bowl with corn salsa and cilantro crema. This is making

• 26:44Hank Green?

  me so hungry. Onion portobello burger with potatoes and white cheddar. That's right, they can help you go vegetarian or eat less meat. You can also have golden corn and shrimp risotto with Brussels, cabbage, and pepper medley. But I can't because I'm allergic to shrimp. Let's eat real. Head to factormeals.com/dearthank50off and use code DEARHANK50OFF to get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year, while supplies last until October 31st, 2026. That's code DEARHANK50OFF at factormeals.com. Dear Hank, five zero off at factormeals.com. See the website for more details.

• 27:27John Green?

  All right, Hank, we have another question. This one comes from Abby who writes, Dear John and Hank, I pre-ordered Hollywood Ending, available for preorder at HollywoodEndingBook.com back in April. I've also just bought tickets to the book tour stop in New York City for my boyfriend and I, and to my surprise, we each get a copy of the book at the tour. I've never been to a book tour, so I was not aware that this was part of the experience. My boyfriend is not part of Nerd Vitaria and not an avid reader, so this means I will personally have three signed copies of Hollywood Ending coming September 22nd. What do I do with these books? Keeping them all seems wrong. I'm in need of dubious advice. Spelled like the road, Abby. So we've gotten a number of questions about this kind of thing, Hank. A lot of people who are new to book events, but yeah, often if a book tour comes through your town and

• 28:07John Green?

  the tickets are like $40, 32 of those dollars are for the book and then $8 is for the venue rental. Um, and to support the bookstore staff and everybody who's working the event and whatnot. So that's how it works. And you get a signed book. Uh, I will be signing the books in advance. So you get, you get, you get, you'll have three signed books, one signed preorder and two signed books from the event. Now, what do you do with these books, Hank? I think in a perfect world, you give them to friends and you say, "My God, this is the best book I've ever read."

• 28:46John Green?

  That's my dream, Abby. That's my dream for how it goes.

• 28:49Hank Green?

  Go look at the one Goodreads review. It's very positive.

• 28:53John Green?

  That's my dream for how it goes, is that you read the book and you're actually, you're so moved that you give away all three of your copies.

• 28:59Hank Green?

  And then you have to get another one.

• 29:01John Green?

  And then you have to buy a fourth. That's, that's the dream.

• 29:04Hank Green?

  Yeah. Yeah. I give, book gifts, I have to say, are, are, uh, they feel, they could feel weighty, you know, where you're like, I'm asking for nine hours of your time here.

• 29:16John Green?

  Right.

• 29:17Hank Green?

  But I, that is, that is certainly what I would do. I would give these books to friends.

• 29:21John Green?

  And a signed book gift is a little less weighty because if nothing else, it's, you know, a nice, nice autographed copy.

• 29:27Hank Green?

  An object of a thing.

• 29:28John Green?

  Yeah, it's a

• 29:29Hank Green?

  I guess that's why you spent, uh, so many years of your life signing these books.

• 29:35John Green?

  I recently found out how many tip-in sheets I've signed.

• 29:38Hank Green?

  In your life?

• 29:39John Green?

  I'm pursuing a record and

• 29:42Hank Green?

  Yes.

• 29:42John Green?

  Here is how many

• 29:43Hank Green?

  I assume you have it.

• 29:45John Green?

  I believe so, yes. I mean, it's not, I don't think it's particularly close. People always talk about Sanderson, who, uh, by the way, is going to be my conversation partner in Salt Lake City. But, uh, and Sanderson's signed a ton of books, like literally, but I've signed like eight tons. Um, I've signed 850,000 tip-in sheets, Hank.

• 30:08Hank Green?

  That's a lot. And that is not all the books you've signed because you've signed a lot of books, but probably not 50,000 straight books at events. Do you think maybe?

• 30:18John Green?

  But at any rate, I only count the tip-in sheets because they're the only ones I can be sure of. And my goal is to get to a million. So 75,000 for each of the next two books, assuming that I keep an audience, should be doable. Uh, my arm, my shoulder should be able to hold up. And then I can say I've signed, I'm one of very few, if any, people who've signed a million books.

• 30:37Hank Green?

  Who else would it be? Well, I mean, God sold a lot of copies of the Bible.

• 30:44John Green?

  He didn't say, he didn't sign them. He didn't sign a single one.

• 30:46Hank Green?

  You can make the case that he signed all of them.

• 30:49John Green?

  What?

• 30:50Hank Green?

  How?

• 30:51John Green?

  I don't know. He can do whatever. I mean, I guess he signed them all in the sense that, um, if they're God's, well, I don't know. No, I've signed more books than God. I'll just say.

• 31:08Hank Green?

  Because, just for clarity, because in John's theology, God has signed zero books.

• 31:13John Green?

  That's right. That's, well, I think in everyone's theology. I mean, they're not autographed.

• 31:18Hank Green?

  I don't know why I feel like they kind of are.

• 31:21John Green?

  Yeah, I don't know why, like, every, every book that's authored is on some level, you know, signed by the author in the sense that it has the imprint of the author. But that's not the same thing as autographing the book. So.

• 31:32Hank Green?

  Gotcha.

• 31:32John Green?

  I think I'm, I think, I think I'm in the clear, but we'll see. They're going through a records clearing process right now.

• 31:40Hank Green?

  Oh, they are. Who is they? The Guinness people?

• 31:43John Green?

  Yeah.

• 31:44Hank Green?

  Wow. Interesting. Just FYI, something industrial has begun to happen in the street outside my house, if you're hearing that.

• 31:53John Green?

  I'm sorry, I can't hear it myself, but I don't have the volume all the way up. I should mention some of my other conversation partners. I'll be talking with people like Hank Green.

• 32:02Hank Green?

  Yeah.

• 32:03John Green?

  Sarah Urst Green, Brandon Sanderson, Lily King, one of my favorite writers in Portland, Maine. I'll be talking with Lily King. I'm very excited about that. Lots of other folks, too. So yeah, check it out, HollywoodEndingBook.com. That's the last tour promo today, I promise.

• 32:19Hank Green?

  Meg has a question. Dear Hank and John, is the lightning that happens on Earth the same kind of lightning that happens in the storms of other planets? Does the big storm on Jupiter have lightning like ours? The stormy atmosphere of Venus? Thunderbolts and lightning? Very, very frightening. Meg. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

• 32:37John Green?

  Are they really?

• 32:38Hank Green?

  Oh, yeah. There's, there's like, the lightning is not a unique to Earth phenomenon, for sure. So, so we know about the big storms on Jupiter, hundreds of years long, bigger than Earth storms. And yeah, that indeed, the lightning strikes are the same kind of lightning in that they're lightning. I mean, it's the same phenomenon. And they can be hundreds of times, as you might expect, more powerful than Earth lightning. In fact, wow, I don't know that this is obvious to everyone. It was not obvious to me for me in my whole life, but lightning strikes on Earth have a variety of intensities. And so there are big ones and little ones. And that's why some lightning strikes are more

• 33:19Hank Green?

  survivable than others, in part, because there, sometimes there's really big ones. And wow, and what affects that is a bunch of different things. But we like to study lightning on other planets, because it can tell us about what their atmosphere is doing and how it's transporting heat around the planet. But yeah, there's, they're, they're a powerful wild phenomenon. But the lightning is, is, aside from the difference in intensity, is a, is a same, the same thing, which we are still a little confused by, I'll be honest.

• 33:54John Green?

  Yeah. Let me ask you a question, Hank, and it's, it's, it's a stupid question. I'm just going to preface it, but there's no rain, right? There's no rain on Jupiter when it's storming. There's just lightning.

• 34:04Hank Green?

  There are, there is.

• 34:06John Green?

  Is there wind?

• 34:07Hank Green?

  Oh, there's certainly wind.

• 34:08John Green?

  Okay, so it's a windy lightningy storm, not a rainy storm.

• 34:12Hank Green?

  Yeah, yeah. So, so there's a bunch of, there's a bunch of different reasons, and I'm talking about my butt now, but there's a bunch of different reasons why.

• 34:21John Green?

  Going out of your neck, if you will.

• 34:24Hank Green?

  I actually am talking out of my neck. That is how it works. But I, there's a bunch of different reasons why energy can be introduced into an atmospheric system. And, and why there's like, like, things that want to, that are in one place that would better, like, that would, that want to be in another place. So like, you have hot air that's low and it wants to go high. Or you have a lot of water in the atmosphere that's, and when a lot of water, like when water vapor turns into condensed water, that's actually an energy releasing process. And so that adds energy to the atmosphere. So anyway, there's a bunch of different reasons. And I, so, and I do not know all of the ones on Jupiter,

• 35:07Hank Green?

  nor do I know all the ones on Earth. But there, I bet you, they are different reasons, but it is introducing movement into the particles of the atmosphere. And that is the thing that is creating the, the friction that ultimately transfers electrons from one place to another. I mean, I say friction. Static electricity is weird and we don't fully understand it. But you're, it's, it's the same phenomenon. As long as there's like, things moving around, electrons get weird.

• 35:35John Green?

  Yeah. Wow. That's pretty mind blowing. All right. We have another question from Rick, who writes, Dear John and Hank, what is ANs? I went to preorder your book Hollywood Ending and saw an option to preorder ANs. UK and CA, I figured out quickly enough, UK and Canada, but I can't decide on ANs. My current best guess is Andorra and Zambia, but that seems rather unlikely. Pumpkins and Penguin books, Rick. Hank, do you know what ANs is?

• 36:02Hank Green?

  It took me a second. I did not immediately get it, but I thought to myself, I bet it's about English speaking areas.

• 36:09John Green?

  Correct.

• 36:10Hank Green?

  Because there had been a bunch of English speaking areas listed. So I think Australia, New Zealand.

• 36:14John Green?

  That's right, Australia, New Zealand. I just signed like 1,500 bookplates for Australia and New Zealand, because they don't have the mechanism to, you know, print the books with the signature card, but they can, they can stick them on later.

• 36:28Hank Green?

  Does that mean like a person does every one of them?

• 36:30John Green?

  I think so, which is.

• 36:31Hank Green?

  Yeah, I don't see how else.

• 36:32John Green?

  A lot of work, but.

• 36:33Hank Green?

  Well, you're doing, you're doing stuff, they're doing stuff, everybody's working together.

• 36:37John Green?

  There you go. All right. Elias has a question. Dear Brothers Green, but mostly Deboki. So, how did all the dinosaurs die except for birds? Did they just hide in caves for a couple of years after the asteroid hit, eating rations they'd stored ahead of time? Also, what was the human ancestor that existed at the time and how did they survive? Thanks, Elias or Elias.

• 36:57Hank Green?

  Well, oh, two, two questions.

• 37:02John Green?

  Two questions in one.

• 37:03Hank Green?

  I'll do two, I'll do human ancestor real fast. Just some little squirrely, primaty guy.

• 37:10John Green?

  Tiny little, tiny little mammal. Proto mammal.

• 37:13Hank Green?

  It would, no, not a proto mammal. That was a real mammal.

• 37:16John Green?

  Yeah, had live, live young and everything.

• 37:19Hank Green?

  Yeah, fuzzy, all the things. And then, yeah, probably. Though there are some uncute mammals, but most of them are cute, especially when they're babies. Rhinoceros, not cute. Baby rhino, oh my God.

• 37:33John Green?

  Yeah, I mean, rhinoceruses are cute. It's not that they're not cute, it's just that they're dangerous.

• 37:38Hank Green?

  Rhinoceruses are not cute. They look like.

• 37:40John Green?

  They're super cute.

• 37:42Hank Green?

  They look like mobile rocks.

• 37:44John Green?

  They're adorable. They have big eyes. What do you want? What is your definition of cute?

• 37:49Hank Green?

  They have little tiny eyes.

• 37:51John Green?

  Oh, they, their eyes are 1,000% bigger than yours.

• 37:55Hank Green?

  Well, I mean, it compares to their body.

• 38:00John Green?

  You're just mistaken about this, but, but why didn't the dinosaurs, why did, why did the birds live, Hank?

• 38:06Hank Green?

  We don't know why the birds lived, but one possible explanation is their beaks. So one thing that we know about all the birds is that they're beaked. And, and the dinosaurs were a, had a variety of mouth types. So the only, the only thing that survived were not just the, you know, the dinosaurs that are birds, but they were, they're specifically a kind of dinosaur, a theropod dinosaur, which was what T-Rex was. And, but these ones, all of them have toothless beaks. The first bird, though, seems to have had teeth. And through evolution, a bunch of birds lost those teeth. So what was the advantage of losing teeth? It might have allowed them to eat different food and it would have been

• 38:48Hank Green?

  good food for this period of time that they had to go through, not just the sort of direct aftermath, but also the, the, what, the world that was left, which was a weird world for quite a long time there. So all of the toothed birds went extinct after the, the impact. So there were toothed birds and we lost all of them. We don't know if this is the one trait that made the difference, but it, it is the trait that didn't make it through. So it seems like maybe a beak wasn't a guarantee of survival, but it was much more likely to be the thing, that the, the way of living that was going to work. Because all of the toothed birds stopped. And all the toothed dinosaurs.

• 39:31John Green?

  Let me ask a follow up question. Do you think if we were hit by the exact same asteroid in the exact same place tomorrow, do you think we would make it?

• 39:43Hank Green?

  Hmm, yeah, I do.

• 39:47John Green?

  You do?

• 39:48Hank Green?

  I do. I think that, I think that we would make it. I think it would be, I mean, it would be extremely bad. It would be.

• 39:53John Green?

  Well, I'm, I know it would be bad.

• 39:54Hank Green?

  I mean, I'm talking about like, like, because, because like, you need like, like a thousand people.

• 40:01John Green?

  Right. But I'm saying you think a thousand people could get through that.

• 40:04Hank Green?

  People would get through it. Yeah. And I think, I think it'd be more likely to be in the, the tens or hundreds of thousands.

• 40:10John Green?

  Hmm.

• 40:11Hank Green?

  Or even millions. It would, it would probably not be billions, which would be.

• 40:16John Green?

  A bummer.

• 40:17Hank Green?

  A bummer.

• 40:18John Green?

  Yeah. And you know who wouldn't make it? Realistically, me. You know?

• 40:25Hank Green?

  Well, look, you'd only really have to make it 30 years to get to the outside of your, or, you know, the inside of your natural lifespan.

• 40:32John Green?

  Right, but I wouldn't make it 30 years.

• 40:34Hank Green?

  Yeah, yeah, probably.

• 40:36John Green?

  I mean, I assume like pharmaceutical production would be harmed by the process, in which case I would be in trouble on its own.

• 40:45Hank Green?

  That's, that's true, but maybe.

• 40:46John Green?

  I'm medically dependent on pharmaceuticals.

• 40:48Hank Green?

  Maybe somebody be like, you're John Green, the author? And then they just, they just

• 40:52John Green?

  We'll make you some Lexapro.

• 40:54Hank Green?

  They'd just give you like mashed up potatoes and keep you around as an, as a cultural oddity.

• 41:01John Green?

  Yeah. Maybe I could become a oral tradition poet.

• 41:07Hank Green?

  Yeah. Do you think you could do that? You could be like, here's what I remember of the Odyssey from watching the movie.

• 41:14John Green?

  If you guys, have you guys heard the one about Hazel and Augustus?

• 41:19Hank Green?

  I know that one pretty well.

• 41:20John Green?

  Yeah, that's the only one I know, but I, I remember it, I think.

• 41:25Hank Green?

  All right, John. Our last question before the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon comes from Lachlan. Dear Hank and John, when I behold the grass of the fields swaying in the summer breeze, do I see one great organism dancing by itself? Or am I rather seeing many individual lives with each blade as a distinct participant in one great act of artistic collaboration? Thank you for your consideration, Lachlan.

• 41:50John Green?

  Walt Whitman wrote a poem about this, actually, called Leaves of Grass. And I think the answer, I mean, I'm curious to know what Hank's scientific answer, but I think the answer is yes. Like, you are both seeing multiple lives and one life, depending on how you construct life. And a field of grass is both a superorganism and a bunch of other, a bunch of different organisms.

• 42:15Hank Green?

  And in fact, a biosphere is, in one way, a superorganism, in that it is all emergent of a single thing. And thus, where we draw the line is always a little bit subjective.

• 42:33John Green?

  Yeah. To quote Whitman, "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes."

• 42:39Hank Green?

  Hmm. Isn't it cool to be everything? Not to, not to, not to have, have introduced a little bit of LSD into the conversation, but it is kind of true.

• 42:54John Green?

  Yeah, to be anything is to be part of everything.

• 42:58Hank Green?

  Yeah. It's weird. A bunch of, yeah, rocks got wet, and then they were like, oh, my neck hurts.

• 43:08John Green?

  All right, Hank, it's time for the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon. What's the news from Mars this week?

• 43:12Hank Green?

  And news from Mars. We missed an important anniversary. July 20th was the 50th anniversary of Viking I, the first spacecraft to ever land on Mars and send back images. It landed on July 20th, 1976. The original plan was to land on July 4th to match the US bicentennial, but they could not find a flat enough landing zone in time.

• 43:36John Green?

  Wow.

• 43:37Hank Green?

  It was programmed to take its first image 25 seconds after landing. It was our first-ever pictures taken from the surface of another planet.

• 43:45John Green?

  That's amazing that that was all the way back in 1976.

• 43:49Hank Green?

  I know. We did so much space stuff before we had any business doing space stuff.

• 43:54John Green?

  Yeah, like, we didn't even have great computers.

• 43:57Hank Green?

  No, we did not. And, and it's, it's a little bit, like, I don't know the right ways to do these things, but there's a part of me that's like, we should be doing way more. Why aren't we, why are we, why are we doing, so, why aren't we doing more of this stuff? It's just like,

• 44:12John Green?

  I hear you.

• 44:13Hank Green?

  We should, we should be sending simple little cube guys, little rovers that fail 10% of the time, just like, we'll just cover that boy up. But it's great, like, an amazing part of the, like, cost of, of one of these missions is actually funding the people who operate and do the science from them. So,

• 44:37John Green?

  Right, right. And funding them for years and years, yeah.

• 44:40Hank Green?

  Yeah. Not enough resources pointed toward it.

• 44:43John Green?

  Speaking of not enough resources pointed toward it, how about AFC Wimbledon, America's favorite third-tier English soccer team? Not enough resources pointing toward AFC Wimbledon, which go into the season with likely the lowest or second-lowest budget in League One. We have enough players to field a team, but I wouldn't say we have enough, enough players. So, we have, until September 1st is the transfer deadline, so we have all of August to figure this out, but we do need to acquire some, some warm bodies.

• 45:17Hank Green?

  Some sports stars.

• 45:18John Green?

  That can play football. Even, they don't have to be stars. They can't all be stars, Hank, but they have to be sports participants. In our most recent preseason game, we lost 1-0 to Weldstone. I know what you're wondering. Where is Weldstone? Weldstone is currently plying its trade in the fifth tier of English football, so the fact that we couldn't beat them going into this season is not the best of signs. But we have to remain hopeful because that, that is what the story of AFC Wimbledon tells us to do. And so, I believe that some way or another, we will find a way forward.

• 45:52Hank Green?

  It, it is possible, John. There is a sport that will sport, and you will sport it.

• 45:58John Green?

  There you go.

• 45:59Hank Green?

  And you'll be in the middle of the pack next year.

• 46:01John Green?

  I mean, I'd bite your arm off for the middle of the pack.

• 46:04Hank Green?

  That's what I'm thinking. That's why, that's why I'm hoping for that. Because it seems, I don't know, it seems really hard to be a sports team.

• 46:13John Green?

  It's hard to be a sports team that can't lose millions and millions of pounds every year like all the sports teams around us can.

• 46:19Hank Green?

  And that's the thing. If all of them are doing it, then it doesn't work.

• 46:23John Green?

  I am aware.

• 46:24Hank Green?

  Nobody makes money.

• 46:25John Green?

  Somebody explain this to the rich people that keep throwing money down a hole and calling it Weldstone.

• 46:30Hank Green?

  Well, John, they don't, they don't want to make money. They want to matter. And, and as you say, of all the things that don't matter, football matters the most.

• 46:40John Green?

  It's true. It's true. All right, Hank. Well, thank you for podding with me. Thanks to everybody for listening. We really appreciate your questions at [email protected].

• 46:49Hank Green?

  This podcast was edited by Linus Obenhouse. It was mixed by Joseph Tuna-Medish. Our marketing specialist is Brooke Shotwell. It was produced by Rosiana Halsro Haas and Hannah West. Our executive producer is Seth Radley. Our editorial assistant is Debokh Chagravarti. The music you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the great Gunarola, and as they say in our hometown,

• 47:07John Green?

  Don't forget to be awesome.