Leslie Jones Returns

Comedian Leslie Jones feels so conflicted about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Leslie sits down with Conan once more to discuss the qualities of her ideal man, aspiring to catch a serial killer, her friendship with Kenan Thompson, her new HGTV show Roast My Rental, and more. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (323) 362-2295.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:46Speaker 01

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• 1:19Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Leslie Jones and I feel

• 1:26Speaker 02

  so conflicted about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 1:30Conan O'Brien?

  Can I just say?

• 1:30Speaker 02

  He's so needy.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  Please be my friend. He's not, you know, he's not in my ministry, you know?

• 2:03Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined by Matt Gourley.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  Hi.

• 2:08Conan O'Brien?

  Hello, Matt.

• 2:09Speaker 03

  Hi.

• 2:09Conan O'Brien?

  And Sona is normally with us at this part. She's going to be here for the interview, but at the moment, she cannot join us.

• 2:16Speaker 03

  She's in Hawaii.

• 2:17Conan O'Brien?

  She is in Hawaii.

• 2:18Speaker 03

  She's gonna be back in time, though, for the, for the interview.

• 2:20Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  It's crazy.

• 2:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  She's only 10 minutes away.

• 2:23Conan O'Brien?

  She's on a jet that will land any second. It's an American Airlines flight that will land in exactly about 15 minutes, but she's gonna miss out on this part. But David is gonna be joining us, David Hopping.

• 2:33Speaker 04

  Hello.

• 2:34Conan O'Brien?

  The assistant who replaced Sona.

• 2:36Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 2:36Conan O'Brien?

  When we realized she really wasn't doing anything. You've done a terrific job, David.

• 2:39Speaker 04

  Hey, thank you.

• 2:40Conan O'Brien?

  And I understand that you have a question for me. It's always nice to start with a question.

• 2:44Speaker 04

  I do have a question for you. So recently, you watched your first episode of Love Island.

• 2:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I did.

• 2:50Speaker 04

  And I thought it would be fun for you to share with everyone your thoughts on the show.

• 2:54Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, that's fair enough. Um, I had heard a lot about this Love Island. I know it's a big show. So I watched a Love Island and I was shocked and stunned. Not by their beautiful bodies and not by the steamy sensual situations, but by how little they do. They don't, I mean, if they were wearing, you know, Fitbits or if they were wearing Apple Watches, I think each of them in a day would record maybe four steps. Because they sit and hang around, right?

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:25Conan O'Brien?

  And talk.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  They pull each other for chats.

• 3:27Conan O'Brien?

  And then they say, I'm gonna go, uh, you know, uh, talk to, you know, Brenda, and I'm gonna take her to that. And she doesn't, they don't take her someplace interesting. They're on this, in this house, right? And they say, we're gonna take her over to the, um, you know, Cuckoo Cove, which is the name of a room, and it's spelled out in neon, and it's four feet that way.

• 3:50Speaker 03

  Wait, are they not on an island? Do you ever get to see the water?

• 3:52Speaker 04

  They're like a villa on the island.

• 3:54Conan O'Brien?

  They could be, uh, in, in Westwood here in Los Angeles. I mean, it doesn't matter where they are. They could be in Cleveland, they could be anywhere because it's, okay, yeah, I, I understand that it's a nice climate, but they don't do anything, they don't go anywhere, and they're just always sitting and lounging.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  It's all they, it's all they do? All they can do is just talk to each other and?

• 4:14Conan O'Brien?

  And what are the names of the different nooks?

• 4:16Speaker 04

  Oh my God, I'm blanking on, uh, Joe.

• 4:18Conan O'Brien?

  Joe, jump in here, because Joe is sitting in for Eduardo, who decides.

• 4:22Speaker 04

  Soul ties.

• 4:22Conan O'Brien?

  Soul ties. Can I just say, uh, Eduardo's out because he said he was busy today, and then I noticed that, uh, World Cup game, a big one, between Spain and France just played. And I think maybe that's the cause of his sudden bout with diarrhea. Okay, so Joe.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  They're soul ties.

• 4:42Conan O'Brien?

  Soul ties.

• 4:43Speaker 05

  There's the hideaway.

• 4:44Conan O'Brien?

  The hideaway. And these are rooms that are maybe six feet away from where they all sit.

• 4:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 4:50Conan O'Brien?

  And they get, one of them gets up and goes to the other and says, hey, come with me. And they say, okay. And then they go to soul ties or, what's it called?

• 5:00Speaker 05

  You can't just go to the hideaway, though.

• 5:02Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean? You have to book it in advance?

• 5:04Speaker 03

  You gotta know someone?

• 5:05Speaker 05

  Yeah, they, like, if you're a successful couple, they'll put you in there. And it's a villa inside the villa.

• 5:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's where they get to bang.

• 5:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, now we're talking. Are they actually having sex there?

• 5:14Speaker 05

  They can, yeah.

• 5:15Conan O'Brien?

  They can?

• 5:15Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:16Speaker 03

  But, but is it?

• 5:17Conan O'Brien?

  But they're not married.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  And they're not presumably wanting children?

• 5:22Conan O'Brien?

  That's the only reason to have sex. I'm sorry, I forgot. This is, this is hosted by the Quaker religion, this episode?

• 5:34Conan O'Brien?

  I, I just don't see that they're doing, they don't seem to, no one moves. And everyone's in great shape, so I know that they're working out furiously when they're not on camera, but for the show, they don't do anything.

• 5:45Speaker 04

  They do like a challenge. Did, did you watch the whole season?

• 5:48Speaker 05

  I did, yeah.

• 5:49Conan O'Brien?

  Is the challenge that you, you just lounged, yesterday you lounged leaning to the right, today you're gonna lounge leaning to the left?

• 5:55Speaker 04

  Yeah. No, they did this challenge a few nights ago where each couple had to, like, take different foods. Like, the guy would put ketchup in his mouth, then spit it into the girl's mouth, then she would spit it into something else. Uh, I don't know.

• 6:09Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:10Speaker 03

  Or like frat boy hazing. What is this? Wow.

• 6:14Speaker 04

  But it shows that they love each other.

• 6:15Conan O'Brien?

  And this is a hugely successful thing, right?

• 6:17Speaker 04

  It's huge, yeah.

• 6:18Conan O'Brien?

  When people become a couple at the end, does that happen?

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:21Conan O'Brien?

  Do they stay couples? Has this, has any relationship lasted?

• 6:24Speaker 04

  I think so. Like, Bergy from a few seasons ago is engaged to.

• 6:27Conan O'Brien?

  Bergy?

• 6:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, who is also on The Traitors. I'm sure you are caught up on all things Love Island and Traitors.

• 6:33Speaker 03

  I'll get to it.

• 6:34Conan O'Brien?

  This is how, this is how Jill and Joe Biden are. Back in 1921. He took her to the hideaway and they banged and then 70 years went by. Uh, incredible.

• 6:47Speaker 04

  But some of them stay together and then at the end, the couple who wins gets to split $100,000.

• 6:51Speaker 03

  How do they win?

• 6:52Speaker 04

  Uh, America votes on the Love Island app.

• 6:55Speaker 03

  But I'm an American, I don't vote.

• 6:57Speaker 04

  You need to vote, I vote every.

• 6:59Conan O'Brien?

  Is it true that more Americans vote for Love Island than vote for the president?

• 7:03Speaker 04

  I'm pretty sure. I would imagine.

• 7:05Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I just brought, I just thought of something and I, I hope it's not true. I'm gonna say it's not true.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:11Speaker 05

  It's easier.

• 7:12Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 7:12Speaker 05

  It's easier to vote for Love Island.

• 7:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well.

• 7:14Speaker 04

  Because you have the app.

• 7:15Conan O'Brien?

  I think the current administration's gonna change it so to vote on Love Island, you need, you need your birth certificate? You need special, um, so yeah, that's, that's the problem is I will not see Love Island voters disenfranchised. I will not see that happen. That's un-American.

• 7:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:29Conan O'Brien?

  Can you vote more than once?

• 7:31Speaker 04

  Throughout the season, you get a chance to vote, but you can only do it once. Like, you know, they'll be like, rate your, the least compatible couple tonight, and then tomorrow night you rate your favorite couple. So you can vote once, like, per time.

• 7:42Conan O'Brien?

  I think we're maybe one or two election cycles away from being this, this is the way we vote.

• 7:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:47Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I mean?

• 7:47Speaker 03

  And, and this actually.

• 7:49Conan O'Brien?

  If you want this person to be your, the president of the United States, you know, uh.

• 7:53Speaker 03

  You gotta watch him bang in the.

• 7:55Conan O'Brien?

  In the hideaway?

• 7:56Speaker 03

  Hideaway.

• 7:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And maybe that's as good a qualification as any. Who can say? Who can really say, wait a minute, thinking about it? No, not a good idea.

• 8:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:03Conan O'Brien?

  David, you are so obsessed with these shows. They're your life.

• 8:06Speaker 04

  Yeah. I think that you love them too. I just think that you won't admit it.

• 8:11Speaker 03

  What made you watch an episode?

• 8:13Conan O'Brien?

  I was, I think you were talking.

• 8:15Speaker 03

  David made you watch an episode.

• 8:16Conan O'Brien?

  David was talking to me about it a lot and then I, and, and this is the same thing that's happened with Sona. Sona will talk up these shows.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  My wife does, too.

• 8:24Conan O'Brien?

  And like any cultural anthropologist, I feel it's my duty to understand what's happening in the United States. So I watched, I watched a Love Island, I think I watched one with my wife, and then I watched like half of one on my own. I think I was in New York. And then I was, I was, I'm not dissing anyone who likes it, it just wasn't for me.

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 8:43Conan O'Brien?

  Because it's, it's too lethargic. There, I just want people to go somewhere or do something.

• 8:49Speaker 04

  You like, uh, you like a Below Deck.

• 8:51Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, my wife is crazy about Below Deck. I, I, no, it's still not.

• 8:57Speaker 03

  It sounds to me like reality TV is getting a little lazy. Is that what you're saying?

• 9:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. I think, you know, in the early days, it was you're gonna be on this island, you've gotta survive, you've gotta do this, or else you need to get to Belgium, um, and we're gonna pair you with someone who hates Belgium, and you guys are gonna, it's a lot of running around, and I think I like frenetic action. When people are lying around, I mean, they just practically have like sailing bags to keep, you know, so they don't have to move. I, I don't know, I get bummed out.

• 9:26Speaker 03

  Sounds very American.

• 9:28Speaker 04

  Well, sorry. Sorry I brought it up.

• 9:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, that's my damning indictment of Love Island, and I'm sure that's gonna sway a lot of people.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  Love Island is different than Love is Blind.

• 9:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 9:40Conan O'Brien?

  Are the people on Love is Blind blinded?

• 9:43Speaker 04

  No. I've never actually watched that one, but I'm pretty sure they like sit in pods and they talk and just can't see what the other one looks like.

• 9:49Speaker 03

  That's what my wife is always watching when I come in the bedroom and she's breastfeeding, and I don't, I don't understand what's happening half the time.

• 9:56Speaker 04

  Joe, do you watch that?

• 9:57Conan O'Brien?

  You don't even, but to be fair, you don't understand what lactation is.

• 9:59Speaker 03

  I don't. I don't at all.

• 10:01Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. I don't know Love is Blind at all. Which one is that?

• 10:04Speaker 04

  That's the, Joe watches it.

• 10:06Conan O'Brien?

  Joe, let's hear the report.

• 10:07Speaker 05

  So, they just sit in these pods, they can't see each other, but they talk for two weeks, and they're supposed to fall in love. They just go on like different dates, they, all they can do is hear the other person's voice.

• 10:18Conan O'Brien?

  I don't understand. They're in, how do they go out on dates if they're in pods?

• 10:21Speaker 05

  It's kinda like Zoom, without the video.

• 10:23Conan O'Brien?

  What is this thing? What is this thing?

• 10:25Speaker 05

  It's like audio.

• 10:26Conan O'Brien?

  I'm cracking something here. People, uh, wanna watch reality shows with beautiful people as long as they're not moving. That seems to be the trend that I've discovered.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  I think they feel better about themselves when they see lethargic, hot people.

• 10:38Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  They're like, I might not be hot, but I can get up and walk to the fridge.

• 10:42Conan O'Brien?

  And get a, and get a Coors Light. And I just threw that out there, that's probably not our, what's the beer we're pushing? Miller Lite. Okay. Thank you. You know I can get up and go and get the beer he said.

• 10:52Speaker 04

  Wait, now you won't say?

• 10:52Speaker 03

  Did you forget it already?

• 10:54Conan O'Brien?

  No, I didn't forget it already. I just thought like, why give them a free ride?

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, right.

• 10:58Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, no, uh, you know, the old Miller Lite, um, good beer. Anyway, I'm very worried. I think the problem in America's 250th year is that our reality shows have become more static.

• 11:10Speaker 03

  It's funny, you don't real, you don't worry about reality shows being popular in general, you worry that the reality show format itself is dying on the vine.

• 11:19Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm just worried that they're not moving. Apparently, people are watching them like crazy, but people are sitting at home on a couch, watching other people sitting there on a couch. And, um, I think this is the death of the species.

• 11:30Speaker 03

  You just invented a great reality show where you watch people on the couch watching reality TV.

• 11:36Conan O'Brien?

  Or else, when the technology exists, you're watching people watch you.

• 11:40Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 11:40Conan O'Brien?

  If they could figure that out, that's a hit formula. I wanna sit and watch people watch me.

• 11:45Speaker 03

  You do?

• 11:46Conan O'Brien?

  I do.

• 11:47Speaker 04

  You definitely do.

• 11:48Speaker 03

  Just to see if they laugh?

• 11:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And you know what? I did for 28 years on television. I sat and watched people watch me. And you know what? It was an erotic ride. Um, more on that later.

• 11:59Speaker 03

  Our guest today.

• 12:00Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today is a hilarious comedian, who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live. She now has a new HGTV show called Roast My Rental, and is currently performing stand-up on her I'm Hot Tour. Tickets are available at JustLeslie.com. It's always a fun time when she stops by. Thrilled she's here.

• 12:22Conan O'Brien?

  Leslie Jones, welcome.

• 12:28Conan O'Brien?

  Leslie, last time you were on the pod, you said, my name's Leslie Jones, and I couldn't give a shit if I was Conan's friend.

• 12:34Speaker 03

  Oh, it's heading in the right direction.

• 12:36Conan O'Brien?

  And so, I think we're going in the right.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  You know what? We're getting better!

• 12:40Conan O'Brien?

  We're getting better. Now you're just conflicted.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  I'm conflicted, cuz I don't know if I wanna leprechaun as a friend.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  You burn really easy.

• 12:52Conan O'Brien?

  I burn so easily.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  And my, like, the sun literally stays over my house, so I can never invite you over. You would die.

• 12:59Conan O'Brien?

  I can't go visit anyone if the sun is in the sky over their house. I can only go to places where the sun doesn't exist.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  It's so funny. That is just like, you burn.

• 13:10Conan O'Brien?

  Is it funny, is it funny to you that I?

• 13:12Speaker 02

  You burn like bacon. It's hysterical. Oh, me, us black people enjoy it so much.

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  Laughing at me?

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Oh, god, you're like, they never can go outside. We're gonna rule the world!

• 13:26Conan O'Brien?

  So, now, back me up on this. If I'm outside for, you've been with me when I've been outside in the sun for like maybe 15 minutes?

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Look at your face now!

• 13:34Conan O'Brien?

  Even now, you're looking.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  And this is just a fluorescent light?

• 13:37Speaker 02

  You literally look like you have on goggles.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:42Conan O'Brien?

  It's, it's immediate. What happens? I drove to work today, in a car with no sunroof, and I, I look like this. This is bad.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  The sun be fucking the shit out of you.

• 13:56Conan O'Brien?

  I am sexually, I am sexually assaulted by the sun every day.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  There's some white people I see, and I be like, the sun need to take you in the back and strap you to him, and just fuck you till you can't see. When you, you need to start filing reports to the police about the sun's assault on you.

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  I need a restraining order on the sun. That's what I need. We need to keep the sun at least 500 yards away from me.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Get an umbrella or something.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Get an umbrella, Jesus.

• 14:30Conan O'Brien?

  No, I can't be the guy.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Even Michael Jackson had a fucking umbrella, motherfucker. Jesus.

• 14:35Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god. He did have the umbrella, that's right. P. Diddy had an umbrella? He had a guy that held an umbrella over him? So, you got, I mean, the umbrella is a way to go. Girlie, would you hold an umbrella over my head if we took a stroll?

• 14:48Speaker 03

  I would buy you one of those multi-colored umbrella hats.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  Oh, that would make my life.

• 14:54Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, what if I?

• 14:54Speaker 02

  But I just wanna see you walking down the street with a black umbrella. I'd be like, that's it.

• 14:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  So I can take a picture and send it to the Inquirer.

• 15:01Conan O'Brien?

  A parasol. Oh, the Inquirer's gonna put that right on the cover. Conan O'Brien shields himself from sun.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, Conan running from the sun after sexual assault last week.

• 15:12Conan O'Brien?

  We have a topless nude of Kim Kardashian, or Conan using sun protection. Kim Kardashian, no one cares about her boobs. Conan and the sun. Um, it's your, you, well, I, a quick question, right up top, right up top.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  Wait a minute, hold on, one more joke. Uh, it's not like a raisin in the sun, it's like a cranberry.

• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna do my own revival. Cranberry in the sun, written, directed, and funded by Conan O'Brien.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  It's gotta be directed by me.

• 15:45Conan O'Brien?

  Will you direct it?

• 15:46Speaker 02

  I would so direct that.

• 15:48Conan O'Brien?

  I think you and I have a great chemistry.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  I think that we should get married.

• 15:53Conan O'Brien?

  I'll do that. Wanna do that? How long do you think we would last? Let's say, okay.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Oh, we would last a long time.

• 15:59Conan O'Brien?

  You think so?

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Yes, because you, first of all, I wouldn't have sex with you.

• 16:04Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, what?

• 16:04Speaker 02

  No.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're the sun's bitch.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  You're the sun's bitch! Exactly! You belong to the sun, son. I don't want leftovers.

• 16:14Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute. So you'll marry me, but I don't have any marital pleasures?

• 16:21Speaker 02

  I mean, you can watch.

• 16:25Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute. Such a cock. Such a cock. I'm a red-faced cranberry in the corner of the room, while you and some other person are going at it?

• 16:36Speaker 02

  And then I'm gonna stop and go, look at the cranberry in the sun.

• 16:40Conan O'Brien?

  Quit it. Quit it. Everybody laugh. Nobody puts cranberry in the corner!

• 16:50Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, wait, wait, come on. This is terrible. This is a terrible turn of events.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  This is like the funnest part of my life, when I get to fucking rear white people.

• 17:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And not just white people, probably the whitest guy you've ever met.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  Ever.

• 17:06Conan O'Brien?

  Right?

• 17:07Speaker 02

  In the history of white people. Are you Irish? What are, what are you?

• 17:10Conan O'Brien?

  I am 100% Irish. 100.000.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  I had that Irishman like black women, is that true?

• 17:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  What, what's that about?

• 17:18Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  I had, I had an Irishman tell me, he had in his full accent, "Gah, I took you to the hotel and I put my fist in your tits."

• 17:26Conan O'Brien?

  What? Wait a minute.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  And I was so insulted, but I was like.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute. Put my fist in your tits?

• 17:33Speaker 02

  My fist in your tits. I, I, no, I don't sound.

• 17:36Conan O'Brien?

  If the Irish just wanna box, doesn't matter what's going on, "Oh, I'll get those titties. I'll get him real good."

• 17:43Speaker 02

  That's what he sounded like.

• 17:44Conan O'Brien?

  What the fuck?

• 17:44Speaker 02

  And I was like, I almost, I almost fucked the Lucky Charms guy. I almost did. But I was just like, it might get violent afterwards, so.

• 17:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Oh, man. Tit-fisting.

• 17:57Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god. Yeah, tit fi, no, fist-titting? Or tit-fisting?

• 18:01Speaker 02

  No, he said, put his face in my tits.

• 18:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I thought you meant fist. I heard fist.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  Oh, that's, that's better.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  I mean, that would've turned me on too, but you know.

• 18:10Conan O'Brien?

  Um, okay, well, maybe that would've been fun. I don't know.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, he was too short.

• 18:17Conan O'Brien?

  What's your ideal man? Let's describe him.

• 18:18Speaker 02

  Oh, god, here we go with this bullshit. This is just, he doesn't exist.

• 18:23Conan O'Brien?

  No?

• 18:23Speaker 02

  My, I.

• 18:24Conan O'Brien?

  You like him tall, I guess.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  No, well, I described it once, and somebody was like, oh, that's Jesus.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  You're in love with Jesus.

• 18:32Conan O'Brien?

  I wanted to be, I wanted to be a carpenter. I like a guy that works with his hands. He's gotta have a lot of friends. At least 12.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  At least 12? No, 11, cuz Judas is a bitch.

• 18:45Conan O'Brien?

  But he's fun at a party. Get him to his drinks, and then he's talking shit about everyone. Then you're, he's talking, Jesus, and he's talking shit about Jesus. He's, hey, I'm right here.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  And, and he's imitating Jesus. It's really, really annoying.

• 18:57Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I'll turn water into wine. Boring.

• 18:59Speaker 02

  I walked on water. Uh, uh, I fed fish and bread to everyone.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Um, I don't, you know, I used to have so many ideas of what my ideal man is. And yo, I know this is a crazy thing. Do y'all know, uh, Dylan O'Brien?

• 19:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  Okay, so damn, my assistant has my phone. For the longest, okay, he was in this movie with Michael Keaton. It was a spy movie.

• 19:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  Oh my God, he was, oh God, he was so fine. Cause he had all the hair on his face. And I carried his picture on my phone and told everybody, like, he's my husband. Like, I had screenshot it, a picture from the movie and put it and had it as my, on my phone for the longest time, right? And I was like, you know, right, you know him? Tell him that I love him. I love him. Then we end up at a Knicks game together. And it's so funny, cause I had gotten over him.

• 19:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  You know?

• 19:55Conan O'Brien?

  These things last about an hour with you?

• 19:57Speaker 02

  No, they, I mean, he was my pretend husband for like three years.

• 20:00Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow, okay.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I loved him. And, uh, then we was at the Knicks game. First of all, he's shorter than me. And I was like, fuck, never meet your, your heroes. Never meet them. And he was like, a dude. Like, he was like, yeah, I was like.

• 20:17Conan O'Brien?

  Wasn't working.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  So when he started, I started telling him, he was like, yeah, I know about you. Everybody tells me that you have a picture of me. And then I pulled the picture up and I was like, you need to tell me that this guy doesn't exist. And he was like, yeah, that guy doesn't exist. He was like, I think that's a, don't say anything else. I love this man.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  But my ideal man looks like a terrorist. He's just beard, fluff, hairy.

• 20:45Speaker 06

  That's me too.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Just like.

• 20:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  And lanky. I love lanky men.

• 20:49Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 20:49Speaker 02

  Tall, just, I would love him to be just a little bit, but if he's my same height, that's fine. But if he's a little bit taller than me, that would be great.

• 20:56Conan O'Brien?

  So I'm tall enough, I'm just, everything else is not working?

• 21:00Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 21:01Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Where's your fucking beard? I don't even wanna see a fucking beard on you, dude.

• 21:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I had one for a while. It was very red.

• 21:09Speaker 06

  He can, he can work the beard.

• 21:10Conan O'Brien?

  I can work the beard, yeah.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  I need to see that. You have a picture? Can you pull that up? Cause I need to see it.

• 21:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, Dwayne can pull it up.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  If I see it and I like it, are you still married?

• 21:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I'm still married, but.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  Can she fight?

• 21:20Conan O'Brien?

  That could change at any moment. Could change at any moment. It all depends on what you say.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  I'm just saying, if we have an affair, it's over with y'all because you're not gonna.

• 21:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, there I am.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Oh no. Look at the, what is the hair? What the fuck is the papa door shit? You look like a, that's what I've been doing since, since I was a kid, I've had that hair. No.

• 21:42Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, I know.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  That hair, okay, now that I like.

• 21:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that looks good.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  That is hot.

• 21:47Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, Conan's the one on the right. Okay, very funny.

• 21:50Speaker 02

  Nevermind. I thought it was the other dude.

• 21:53Conan O'Brien?

  Me with a chimp.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  The guy.

• 21:54Conan O'Brien?

  For those of you.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  The guy. No.

• 21:56Conan O'Brien?

  You do look good there.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  You do look good there. I like that. And your beard kinda connects.

• 22:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I think that I will, I'm gonna grow the beard back.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  I don't think you can.

• 22:07Conan O'Brien?

  Cause of my falling testosterone levels?

• 22:08Speaker 02

  No, because of the sun fucking the shit out of you. You, he didn't already fuck the follicles out of you and.

• 22:14Conan O'Brien?

  So the sun fucked me so hard that all my follicles fell out on my face. Is that what you're saying? Is that what we're saying here?

• 22:21Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know this is the first time where I feel like I might come to your defense?

• 22:25Speaker 06

  Cause you're the same.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  You're gonna fight the sun?

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Oh, you talking to me? You better sit your ass down.

• 22:32Conan O'Brien?

  So happy that this is all about me.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Get you too, motherfucker. Don't, don't. Listen, I can get the whole table. Don't fuck with me.

• 22:38Speaker 06

  No, I'm with you, Leslie.

• 22:39Conan O'Brien?

  You are a white male, but you know what? Compared to me, you look like Desi Arnaz. You're like, you look Cuban compared to me.

• 22:47Speaker 02

  You know, he, yeah.

• 22:49Conan O'Brien?

  He's, and that's how.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  His beard is hot. His glasses is hot. I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or not.

• 22:55Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Well, me too.

• 22:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, no. His wife calls us every day and says, what do you think?

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Is he, is he gay? He's not gay. Okay.

• 23:02Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, what do you think?

• 23:05Conan O'Brien?

  We reevaluate every afternoon.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  See, I would like to see a younger picture of you too. I bet you was really cute when you were young. Cause you're hot, you're a hot old man.

• 23:15Conan O'Brien?

  That's a very nice thing.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Okay, now you're Sona. Nah, she's on my team.

• 23:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm with her. I'm with you, Leslie.

• 23:21Conan O'Brien?

  So you're with Leslie on everything.

• 23:23Speaker 06

  On everything. Oh, no.

• 23:26Conan O'Brien?

  Why did you shoot up that high school?

• 23:28Speaker 06

  We pulled up a young photo of a young girl.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Is that all of him?

• 23:33Speaker 06

  Why are your glasses so big?

• 23:37Conan O'Brien?

  Cause it was nineteen eighty-nine.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  Holding up his nose. What the fuck? Your whole face looks bigger than it is now.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  I, I had a face reduction.

• 23:46Conan O'Brien?

  Girlie, you're fired. You're fired just based on me seeing that photo.

• 23:49Conan O'Brien?

  I resign.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  I actually like the one where he's holding the drink up though.

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  Do you still have those glasses?

• 23:55Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, no.

• 23:56Conan O'Brien?

  You'd have to give them back to the car windshield store?

• 23:58Speaker 02

  Exactly. Oh my God. They took him for the war effort. You know what? I feel like, I feel like you got your first set of money from getting them lottery tickets. The lottery numbers. I'm pretty sure you couldn't put them on.

• 24:13Conan O'Brien?

  Best episode ever. We're only like ten minutes in and this is the best episode ever.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  You couldn't put them glasses on the table when the sun is out.

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  There's no table breaking up to hold those.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  Is fucking calling.

• 24:23Conan O'Brien?

  This is why I chose the podcast. I'm safe from the sun. I'm in the dark.

• 24:27Conan O'Brien?

  This is my favorite episode.

• 24:28Speaker 02

  This is your, like, you're safe here.

• 24:30Conan O'Brien?

  I'm safe.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  This is a safe place for you.

• 24:32Conan O'Brien?

  This is like a vampire's coffin. I'm okay here. I'm good to hang.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  It really is.

• 24:43Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I wanna try something different.

• 24:45Speaker 06

  What?

• 24:45Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things. So I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 24:49Speaker 06

  Ooh.

• 24:49Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 24:50Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 24:51Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 24:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 24:57Speaker 06

  Oh, that's good.

• 24:58Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 24:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are two hundred and fifty reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You wanna hear what they are?

• 25:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 25:03Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 25:04Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 25:05Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 25:12Speaker 06

  Oh, that's weird.

• 25:12Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. And, uh, that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over two hundred and fifteen countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the.

• 25:22Speaker 06

  Travel a lot.

• 25:22Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 25:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 25:24Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 25:34Speaker 06

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 25:35Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 25:36Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 25:37Conan O'Brien?

  You know, um, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 25:42Speaker 06

  My God.

• 25:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 25:47Speaker 06

  I agree.

• 25:47Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile dot com and find yours best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of twenty twenty-six. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the U.S. where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile dot com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 26:11Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 26:16Conan O'Brien?

  We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you, it's that leather jacket I got you.

• 26:21Speaker 06

  Are you gonna do a bit?

• 26:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.

• 26:24Speaker 06

  I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.

• 26:28Conan O'Brien?

  We all have that versatile jacket, the perfect t-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 26:37Speaker 06

  What?

• 26:38Conan O'Brien?

  Quince. They do it best. They really do. I was really thinking about this.

• 26:41Speaker 06

  What a coincidence that we're doing an ad for them.

• 26:43Conan O'Brien?

  No, a co-coincidence.

• 26:45Speaker 06

  Oh, no.

• 26:47Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I get the big money.

• 26:49Speaker 06

  I gotta go.

• 26:49Conan O'Brien?

  Cut to very small amount of money. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and designs that are timeless, thoughtful, crafted, and made to be worn again and again. And when the temperature starts to drop, Quince makes it easy to build on those everyday staples with versatile layers. Layer up. That's the key. Now, Blay, you're, you're using some Quince.

• 27:09Conan O'Brien?

  That's right. I'm spending a lot of time, uh, back east, uh, in Michigan. It's getting a little colder, so I got a featherless quilted jacket in Atlas Navy, and I just feel like a different guy. I feel classy.

• 27:19Conan O'Brien?

  You, you look like a different guy. Cause you're well dressed.

• 27:22Conan O'Brien?

  That's right.

• 27:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm serious. He looks like a hobo half the time.

• 27:24Conan O'Brien?

  That's true. He's right. That's true.

• 27:26Conan O'Brien?

  No, they, they really do great stuff. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince dot com. Get free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five day returns. Now available in Canada and the U.K. as well.

• 27:39Speaker 06

  All right.

• 27:39Conan O'Brien?

  And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Please do that. Say, by the way, I heard about this on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 27:49Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I didn't really ask.

• 27:50Conan O'Brien?

  I just want you to know. It's the best way to support the show.

• 27:57Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, that's me, Teddy Swims. You hear that? That's life. So go grab it. Grab your old friends, grab new friends, grab a white girl. Grab flavor for everyone in your group. Grab music. And moments you'll never forget. You'll never regret it. Oh, hey, man. Grab new friends, grab old friends, grab life by the glow. White Claw. Please drink responsibly. White Claw Celta Works, Chicago, Illinois.

• 28:31Conan O'Brien?

  Is this true? At one point, growing up, you wanted to be a detective.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Not a detective. I wanted to be a serial killer finder.

• 28:39Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, someone who hunts down, okay.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  No, my title is serial killer finder. So when I show up on the scene.

• 28:45Conan O'Brien?

  There's no improving on that name.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me the clues.

• 28:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Criminal justice was my minor.

• 28:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  And I loved all the classes. And I was like, oh, because you know, everybody in my family is in, you know, police or my aunt's drug enforcement.

• 29:02Conan O'Brien?

  This is around you and you're like, I want to be part of this.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  I'm gonna, you know, and it was interesting. And I always solved all of the clue, all of the, you know, SVU.

• 29:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 29:10Speaker 02

  Cases, I solved them all. And I was like, yeah, I can do this. Then we had to learn how to shoot a gun. And I didn't, I didn't like it. So I told him, it's okay. I can still do this. I don't have to have a gun. Columbo never carries a gun.

• 29:24Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  And they were like, you're an idiot.

• 29:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  And Columbo does have a gun.

• 29:30Conan O'Brien?

  Actually, I don't think Columbo has a gun. He has a raincoat. Does he have a gun?

• 29:33Speaker 02

  He had a little, like the little, what's the, that little black gun with, that's a revolver.

• 29:39Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, thirty eight special.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  He had a little thirty eight that he would pull out.

• 29:42Conan O'Brien?

  I never saw it.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  I think, I think so. And they was like, he was a policeman. He had a gun. You idiot.

• 29:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 29:48Speaker 02

  So then that's when everybody knew that I probably should go to be the comedian.

• 29:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's the only next step. I don't think it could be in law enforcement. I have to be a comedian.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  But it, I love crime. I love solving it.

• 30:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  I love solving it. And I think I would be a really, like, I talked to, well, her name is Mariska, but I call her Olivia. And she's always gonna be Olivia to me. And I'd be like, Olivia, and she'd be like, Mariska. And I'd be like, Olivia, and she'd be like, Mariska. I'm not gonna call you that. Okay, what do you want? I want to be on the show.

• 30:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, Mariska Hargitay. Yeah, you want to be on the show.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  But I don't want to be a policeman. I want to be a criminal.

• 30:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  Because I know how to think like a criminal. And I want to be.

• 30:31Conan O'Brien?

  You should do that.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I want to be like, a really shitty person. Like, I laugh when they be like, you know, two women die because. Did they? They didn't do what I told them to do.

• 30:45Conan O'Brien?

  That's incredible. No, but what they.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  This is a psychopath.

• 30:48Conan O'Brien?

  This is just a yes. I would say this would be a yes.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 30:52Conan O'Brien?

  Let's make that happen. Why not?

• 30:54Speaker 02

  Um, I don't think people think of me for stuff like that because they go, oh, she's a comedian. She does comedy. But I am totally into being dramatic. But I've always wanted to play a serial killer.

• 31:04Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know serial killers have like the so and so killer? What would be your like method, you know?

• 31:09Speaker 02

  You want to know?

• 31:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. Seriously, I wrote a whole thing about it.

• 31:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, yeah.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  Okay, so, so, so, so like, I'm so traumatized about men. But I think I always have had this hero type thing where I've always wanted to be a hero and save people and stuff. So the twisted mind of me, um, you know, I'm pretty sure, okay, the way that I wrote the story, I go to jail and anyway, uh, anyway, the way that I would do it is, I would find like men who are mistreating their women.

• 31:37Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  And then I would kidnap them.

• 31:40Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 31:40Speaker 02

  And then, you know, because no one gives a fuck about them.

• 31:43Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  That's why they're being such pieces of shit.

• 31:45Conan O'Brien?

  Hmm.

• 31:46Speaker 02

  And I would kidnap them and I would keep them in this room that's soundproof. And I would just torture them and until they beg me to kill them.

• 31:54Conan O'Brien?

  Uh-huh.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  So then when they say, just kill me, I'd be like, he's, he's asking, it's a mercy kill.

• 32:00Conan O'Brien?

  Uh-huh.

• 32:00Speaker 02

  So I have to help him.

• 32:02Conan O'Brien?

  And you're the mercy killer?

• 32:03Speaker 02

  And I fucking kill that motherfucker.

• 32:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  But I beat his ass. Like, he beats his women, I beat his ass. Like, like, I make him pee on this, all this shit.

• 32:12Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Until he gets to the point where he's like, I'm sorry. Just kill me, all right? And then I'd be like, I've been waiting for you to say that.

• 32:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:24Conan O'Brien?

  What was that? Did you whip him with a cat? What was that?

• 32:27Speaker 02

  That was.

• 32:31Speaker 06

  Was this, is it a sword?

• 32:32Speaker 02

  That was the knife and then it was the sound effect of the music that plays.

• 32:37Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay.

• 32:39Conan O'Brien?

  I thought you were, it finally came down to it. You grabbed a cat by the tail.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  No, the cat ain't got shit to do with him.

• 32:46Conan O'Brien?

  Cat's creeping around. I don't know. Uh, so.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  He's my partner.

• 32:49Conan O'Brien?

  The.

• 32:52Conan O'Brien?

  He's got one chore to do, which is be handy when it's time to kill the guy.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  He lets me know when the police is coming.

• 32:57Conan O'Brien?

  So, um, okay, you've just pitched this right now. Now, I am willing to direct this.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Really?

• 33:03Conan O'Brien?

  I'm willing to, yeah, I'd be willing to direct it, um, and also help write it. You know, I was a writer back in the day and maybe participate in the profits a little bit. Uh, but I would be happy to throw my.

• 33:13Speaker 02

  You know what I want you to be?

• 33:14Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 33:15Speaker 02

  The sheriff.

• 33:15Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, and I don't just, I don't approve of your methods.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  No, you're trying to catch me.

• 33:20Conan O'Brien?

  I'm trying to catch you, yeah.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you date.

• 33:22Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. And I'm like, oh, I want it. I want to get my fists in those titties.

• 33:29Conan O'Brien?

  I'm the Irish sheriff.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  You have to have the Irish accent.

• 33:33Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  There's no way I'll do this movie without you.

• 33:35Conan O'Brien?

  So what's, uh, what's, uh, what's happened to that fella who was abusing the lady? Has he been gone missing?

• 33:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, so you're doing a case and that's how I'm involving myself in the case. I start dating you.

• 33:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  And you're like, you know, all these missing people and stuff. Oh, wow, do they have any clues? And then what do you say?

• 33:53Conan O'Brien?

  I say, oh, no, they've got a couple of clues, but not much, not much that leads anybody in particular. No, I don't think so. And by the way, is it okay if we move into the shade?

• 34:04Conan O'Brien?

  It's a little hot right now where we are.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Yes, my little cranberry.

• 34:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, thank you. By the way, sorry, I took a swing at your titties last night.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  It's okay.

• 34:13Conan O'Brien?

  It's such an erotic thrill for an Irishman to put on his, his little boxing gloves and go after the boobies.

• 34:20Speaker 02

  But check this out. So then you catch me.

• 34:22Conan O'Brien?

  Right, I catch you.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  No, you catch me, well, you kind of accidentally catch me.

• 34:27Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right. I walk in.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  No, you don't walk in.

• 34:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  You, you leave the house.

• 34:30Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  And then you hear something and you go around and you catch me.

• 34:34Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  Dragging, you don't catch me, you see it.

• 34:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  You see it happening, so you're watching it.

• 34:39Conan O'Brien?

  I'm watching through the bushes and I see you dragging the guy's body, yeah.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  And then you try to confront me and then I take your ass.

• 34:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  But I don't torture you. I make you watch me torture. And then I explain to you like why I'm doing this.

• 34:50Conan O'Brien?

  I confront you and I go. Oh, I just saw you. That's terrible what you did. It's terrible. Oh, what a pity. It's a shame. I loved you so and we've got a fantastic sex life. Oh, what a pity.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  Jesus.

• 35:07Conan O'Brien?

  But now I gotta be taking you in. So how do you overpower, do you overpower him? Do you take his gun? He's gonna take you in. I've got to take you in this me job. I've got to take it out.

• 35:18Speaker 06

  It's real hard to overpower you.

• 35:19Conan O'Brien?

  I got to put you in the old, in the old paddy wagon.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  What's the opposite of an Emmy nomination?

• 35:27Speaker 02

  I put an infrared light on you and blind you.

• 35:31Conan O'Brien?

  Ah, me papers. They're so sensitive to light. I can't see. And then you, you drag me and then you.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  I figure out that you, you know.

• 35:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  So, you know, you're kicking it with me one night and I drug you and then.

• 35:46Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I'm feeling sleepy.

• 35:49Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I'm in the arm's amorphous. Oh, here I go.

• 35:54Conan O'Brien?

  Green hearts, yellow clovers. So.

• 35:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yellow moons. That's how he's, when I snore, little, little colored marshmallows come out my mouth.

• 36:08Conan O'Brien?

  Ah, green hearts, yellow clovers. Ah, you too, bottom of the edge. I just, so anyway, and then that's, I love this. This is a show.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  I make you watch and I explain to you really logically what my, and you're like, you're fucking psychopath.

• 36:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but maybe I'm turned on by it.

• 36:26Speaker 02

  No, you're trying to talk me off the, you're like, Leslie, this, not Leslie, but whoever the character's name is, you're not talking reasonably, you, you're losing your mind, you know, because something happened to me when I was younger.

• 36:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 36:38Speaker 02

  You know, like I witnessed my, what the, the story that I wrote is that my father was very abusive and my mother ended up committing suicide because of the abuse.

• 36:45Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  And then I was trying to protect my sister one day because he went after her. And we're fighting and she falls down the stairs and I think that he kills her. So I kill him. They put me in an institution. And then the girl that fell us down the stairs, she didn't die, she just got paralyzed. She ends up turning the big house into like a nursery, like a, a, a greenery, nursery. And then, you know, she's visiting me in jail and stuff. And then I get out of jail. She tells me, you know, I can't go downstairs because of my wheelchair. You can have the whole basement. And then I go to a, but she tells me to get out one night and I go to a bar and I see this guy beating on this girl. And I just meet him in the bathroom.

• 37:24Conan O'Brien?

  What's the name of the show?

• 37:25Speaker 02

  It's not a show. It's a, it's a movie.

• 37:27Conan O'Brien?

  A movie, but what's the name of it?

• 37:28Speaker 02

  Sister, sister.

• 37:29Conan O'Brien?

  Sisters.

• 37:31Speaker 06

  Leslie.

• 37:34Conan O'Brien?

  Les, you led me down the primrose path.

• 37:37Speaker 06

  We need to workshop that, I think.

• 37:39Conan O'Brien?

  Sister, sister.

• 37:40Speaker 06

  Are you Tia and Tamara?

• 37:48Speaker 06

  Is there a character named Roger?

• 37:51Speaker 02

  That's Jack A. comes in and every.

• 37:54Conan O'Brien?

  So Jack A.'s in this?

• 37:57Conan O'Brien?

  Well, now we gotta go get Jack A. This is gonna cost money. People gonna come. Okay.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Oh, my God, I love laughing like that, man.

• 38:06Conan O'Brien?

  You've just ruined our lives.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. We can workshop that that title.

• 38:12Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I don't know what to do with you, Leslie. I so admire you.

• 38:17Speaker 02

  Conan, what what would you say if you said, I Conan O'Brien and then that blank thing? With friends with Leslie Jones.

• 38:25Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah. I feel like I won the lottery that I'm friends with.

• 38:27Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 38:28Conan O'Brien?

  That's what I would say.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  You're so lost.

• 38:29Conan O'Brien?

  You are so freaking funny.

• 38:31Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 38:32Conan O'Brien?

  We always have a blast. We always have a good time. I get it. You wanna kick the shit out of me. Most people do, but it's great chemistry. It's just.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  I don't wanna kick the shit out of you. I just wanna put you verbally.

• 38:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  And I feel bad about that.

• 38:45Conan O'Brien?

  That's no kidding.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  Every time, for the longest, I was like, Conan hates me, cuz every time he sees me. I give him such shit and he just be standing there like, what the fuck are you doing?

• 38:58Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I don't say. That's not true. I always love it. I always love it.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  And I'm like, yeah, bitch, he's like, she's so mean.

• 39:05Conan O'Brien?

  Why? Why would I have you here?

• 39:07Speaker 06

  That's his love language.

• 39:08Conan O'Brien?

  Conan O'Brien needs a friend and have sit across from you and invite it.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  I got my publicist to call him. I was like, please call. Do you know, Conan, can you please text him or call him and tell him that I don't? Cuz you were hosting the Oscars or something? Which I thought you did so good. I actually thought you really did good. And I was like, can you tell him that I don't hate him?

• 39:28Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 39:29Conan O'Brien?

  But I always, I mean, I never took it that way. I always.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  I know, I just.

• 39:32Conan O'Brien?

  Most of the way that I enjoy people is them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon character that somehow came to life. I enjoy that.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  But you're funny too, though.

• 39:42Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I know.

• 39:45Conan O'Brien?

  Why don't you go tell Messi he's a pretty good soccer player? I mean, I'm sorry.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  Who's Messi? Lionel Messi, the Argentinian. Oh, well, why you say he?

• 39:57Conan O'Brien?

  Cuz I, uh, please.

• 39:58Speaker 06

  He's making a ridiculous comparison.

• 40:01Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not. No, no, no, no, not at all. Not at all. I am the World Cup winner of of the chuckle getters.

• 40:09Speaker 06

  The chuckle getters?

• 40:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's the crowd tradition I'm in, the chuckle getters. I'm not a comedian.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  What is happening right now? Are you having a stroke?

• 40:18Conan O'Brien?

  I'm having it.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Cuz is this what happens? Y'all just entertain this bullshit? You are fucking delusional, buddy.

• 40:25Conan O'Brien?

  Not at all. Thank you. Not at all.

• 40:28Speaker 06

  Oh, God. Oh, my God.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  You are a fool.

• 40:33Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a fool. I'm the, I'm a, I'm, I'm just made of a hundred percent.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  You create laughter. That's what I like about you.

• 40:38Conan O'Brien?

  I'm made of a hundred percent foolishness.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  You really are.

• 40:40Conan O'Brien?

  What's about Kenan Thompson for a second?

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Oh, my baby.

• 40:43Conan O'Brien?

  Because, because you, I love Keenan and he's been on that show, I think, since 1935. I think he joined when FDR was in his first term and he's still there. But I've always thought, what is it about this guy? He's really funny, but he also feels like he's the glue. And then I was reading, you said somewhere, you think if Keenan leaves, the whole thing is gonna go apart cuz he's like. And I thought, yeah, I think you're right.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, you know, SNL is an institution. It will always go on. I just don't think it'll be the same, I think, without Keenan. But we thought that about Seth Meyers too, and we thought that about Jimmy Fallon. We thought that about a lot of people that came. But but Keenan is just like, first of all, let me just say, Keenan, uh, when my brother passed away. My, me and my brother didn't have the best relationship, but when I met Keenan, Keenan literally automatically became my brother. Like, he became the nicest version of what my brother was. Like, my brother could be what Keenan was, if that made any sense. And he is just truly himself and very, um.

• 41:52Speaker 02

  What do you call it when someone comes around and just automatically gets respect? I don't, I don't know. Like, he's just very respectful.

• 41:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:59Speaker 02

  So when people, when he comes around, it's like, you know, you know, he's just, you know?

• 42:05Conan O'Brien?

  The thing, the word I think of with him is it's like he's grounding somehow. Like, he's.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:11Conan O'Brien?

  He's very, he's very comfortable being himself. You know, it's a waste of time to say he's funny cuz that's a given. He's really funny, but he's always, he's like a quiet, grounding presence.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. You would not believe how many times Keenan has had to ground me.

• 42:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:28Speaker 02

  I mean, I, he would be laughing at me cuz I would be so frustrated. I'd be like, I can't understand that. And Keenan would just be like, man, I don't know. Why you let that bother you? That don't got nothing to do with you. Just come to work. Come to work. Do your work. Leave work.

• 42:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  And he just knows how to put everything in the place that it's supposed to be.

• 42:48Conan O'Brien?

  Too, and this isn't a diss on SNL, but it isn't always the healthiest place.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  It's not.

• 42:53Conan O'Brien?

  It really isn't.

• 42:54Speaker 02

  You have to be a samurai mentally also.

• 42:57Conan O'Brien?

  And it, it doesn't number and I've seen very, I don't, Keenan's one of the few people I've seen be at that show for a long time, always have a positive impact, always be a star, always be a star player. But you get the sense that it's not taking something away from him.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  It's not, and that's the thing. He knows how to put it in its place. He never let it get out of the place that it was. He would just, he was like, you're so frustrated for nothing. This is a job. Leave this job. Come back to this job. He was like, anything, leave that shit here. He was like, these people gonna do what they wanna do. Just be you. Be you. Care about you. And I didn't get it until I got ready to leave, you know, but, yeah, he's incredible, incredible human.

• 43:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  Incredible father. He loves his kids. Great father. Great man.

• 43:48Conan O'Brien?

  It's funny cuz you're in that same category for me of someone who always knows, you always know exactly who you are.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  Well, that took a lot, though, Conan, you know? I mean, thank God they got me at 47. I'm so glad they didn't get me in my 20s and my 30s.

• 44:03Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't that true? It's so funny because I can't think of you as being other than how I've known you.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 44:08Conan O'Brien?

  And, uh, and you.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Oh, I would've fucked you.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  I would've fucked you. I would've fucked you. I would've fucked you. And in my 20s and 30s, I, I would, I would've fucked you. I wouldn't have cared if you had a girlfriend, whatever. I'd have been like, let's go hook up.

• 44:24Conan O'Brien?

  So where were you then? How come we didn't?

• 44:28Conan O'Brien?

  Where were you living and?

• 44:30Speaker 02

  What years is?

• 44:31Conan O'Brien?

  How are they doing on that time machine technology?

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Cuz you definitely would've got some pussy from Leslie.

• 44:38Speaker 06

  You're short-circuiting.

• 44:40Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 44:41Speaker 02

  Why is it?

• 44:41Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 44:42Speaker 02

  It feels like he's disappearing, like he's fading back into.

• 44:47Conan O'Brien?

  Just thinking about that time machine technology.

• 44:52Conan O'Brien?

  That's the meanest thing someone can, oh, I'd have fucked you back then. Wait, when? Where were you?

• 44:59Speaker 02

  You're married, Conan. I can't fuck you now. You're married. Your wife would hate me.

• 45:05Conan O'Brien?

  Well, she might say, take him.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  She might be like, can you, can you take him?

• 45:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, um.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  No, I, I was wild. I was wild.

• 45:15Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  I was wild. I was still, I was still doing comedy and stuff.

• 45:18Conan O'Brien?

  Were you happy?

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:22Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good description.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:24Conan O'Brien?

  Like a storm system, yeah.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  I was living my life and I was learning how to be a person, how to even think of myself and as a human.

• 45:33Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  It's, and people don't understand it. That's a real thing. When you're in your 20s and stuff, you, you don't even see yourself as a grown up because you coming out of living with your parents or whatever. So you gotta start learning how to be who you are and your body and your, what you like, what you like to eat, what you like to do for fun. And I had fun. I had fun. I, I had my crushes. I had my horror phase. I had it all. I, I, I.

• 45:59Conan O'Brien?

  I try to, I try to.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  I, I just like.

• 46:02Conan O'Brien?

  You're getting real happy thinking about it.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  It's like when I, when I am on my deathbed, I'm gonna be able to go, I'm so glad I fucked that dude.

• 46:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:14Conan O'Brien?

  And then you wake up 10 minutes later.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I'll be like, oh, fuck, I should've fucked Conan. God damn it.

• 46:19Conan O'Brien?

  God damn it.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  I'll be your cranberry.

• 46:24Speaker 02

  You're the one that got away.

• 46:25Conan O'Brien?

  I'm the one that got away. Well, okay, so, uh, it's funny.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  So sexual.

• 46:30Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, but you. I'm bringing out of people.

• 46:35Conan O'Brien?

  But.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  You really do.

• 46:39Conan O'Brien?

  I really do.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  You put it back in.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  You really do. You really do.

• 46:44Conan O'Brien?

  I go into people and eradicate it.

• 46:46Speaker 02

  That's so funny, but like I said, I had to learn that shit. And, and, and man, I'm so glad that I took the journey I took because it made me not only a better person, it makes me a better comic.

• 46:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  You know, and I tell everybody this all the time, please just go through the fire.

• 47:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:03Speaker 02

  Don't avoid the fire. Don't put the fire out. Just go through it. You come, become such a warrior. It just live your life.

• 47:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:11Speaker 02

  Go through that bad shit. Don't avoid it. Be, be like, be your own best friend. You know what I'm saying? Not, not a fucking asshole. Like if you knew an asshole, you would tell them they were asshole. If you're being an asshole, tell yourself you're being an asshole. It's okay. You go to sleep with yourself. You wake up with yourself. You, you eat with yourself. You better start fucking liking yourself.

• 47:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  And once you do that, I swear you become this person that emulates joy instead of pain. You really wanna go out and like, like every since I've done what I've done to get to where I am, every time I see people, if they're down, I'm like, I'm always like, come on, come through this, come on. You're so, everyone, this is a problem too. If everyone would stop thinking that they're a normal person, that they're just like the run of the mill, that could stop so many problems.

• 48:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  You're not. You're a specific piece of art that was made by God. No one's like you. No one's like you. No one's like, no one in this room.

• 48:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  You are the only person that's you. And it's a damn shame that you have put yourself in a closet instead of making the gallery to show that art that God has made. And you down here trying to be somebody else. Like that's not your mission. Your mission is to be you, cuz whatever is in you, that's been put in you, is supposed to help the equation of this community. And that's what we forgot, community. Everybody is here for each other. Your magic makes my magic. My magic makes your magic. Everybody has magic and we're supposed to do it together. And it's a damn shame you're not doing that, because it's so much self hate. And I'mma tell everybody right now, the way to beat what's going on right now, all this hate, is very proven. The only way it's gonna be beaten is by love.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  Love can only be hate. Hate can only kill itself. Love multiplies. I'm telling you right now, you're gonna have to go into yourself, just go into yourself, find that negative and positive button and just click it on, cuz only you can do it. And it's not the easiest thing, cuz once you click it on, you're gonna be tested. But go through the test. Go through it. Be who you are. That's okay. You're special.

• 49:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's, well, I bet, do we have an applause button?

• 49:21Speaker 02

  No, stop it.

• 49:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, but what I'm saying, hold on, hold on. What you're, that was beautiful and perfect. One of the things that really resonates with me that I want younger people to know is exactly what you said. I believe everything that you're talking about. I wouldn't have understood it in my twenties.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  Me neither.

• 49:40Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think I would have understood it in my thirties. When I look at my life, um, you know, we are a culture that really puts youth on a pedestal, which is fine.

• 49:50Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:50Conan O'Brien?

  But at my age, I'm happier now than I used to be because I've just been through a lot of shit and I really have that perspective now.

• 50:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 50:03Conan O'Brien?

  And when things are happening now, I tend to look around and go, huh, well, this is interesting. Um...

• 50:07Speaker 02

  And it's having a joy during the chaos.

• 50:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  You gotta keep a constant joy and you gotta seek joy. You can't wait for it to come to you. You gotta seek it and want it and hold it. And it makes you, like you said, the chaos can be going on and you'll be like, this is crazy.

• 50:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  This is crazy. Like, I'm, I didn't gotten to the point of my life where when things happen, I'd be like, alright, so what do we do? This, like, we can do this?

• 50:32Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 50:32Speaker 02

  But I'm not at the point where, oh my God, my life, I auditioned for Last Comic Standing and they didn't pick me. Conan, for three days, I was in my bed crying.

• 50:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  Could not understand I can't get past that. And now I look back at that and go, God damn it, you wasted three days of sunshine and wonderfulness.

• 50:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:54Speaker 02

  Over that. But you know.

• 50:56Conan O'Brien?

  But at that age, at that age.

• 50:58Speaker 02

  hindsight 2020.

• 50:59Conan O'Brien?

  I used to, and I've talked to many people about this and I've mentioned it a lot, but I used to, I've given speeches about this, but I used to hit these obstacles and I'd be told no, and I would think, that's it, it's over. And I look at that guy now and I think, you were 27. What are you talking about?

• 51:16Speaker 02

  Your brain had just developed at 25, so you're actually just two years old.

• 51:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 51:20Speaker 02

  Honestly.

• 51:21Conan O'Brien?

  You know there are times when I'm here in LA and I'm, young person's talking to me and they'll say, yeah, I'm 26.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  Man, you be like...

• 51:28Conan O'Brien?

  They say it like I missed my shot.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  Ah!

• 51:30Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm like, well, yeah, maybe if you wanna be in the Olympics and you haven't started that sport yet, maybe that's a tall hill to climb. But no, you're just getting started.

• 51:46Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that one in four Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them?

• 51:51Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:51Conan O'Brien?

  You fell for it.

• 51:51Speaker 06

  I fell for a scam.

• 51:53Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 51:55Speaker 06

  I did lose and it was very inconvenient and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 52:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't know where they got that impression.

• 52:05Conan O'Brien?

  Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 52:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:22Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 52:22Speaker 06

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 52:24Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 52:25Speaker 06

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 52:26Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point.

• 52:27Speaker 06

  It's so much money.

• 52:28Conan O'Brien?

  One accidental click, Sona, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 52:37Speaker 06

  Right, right, right, right. That's better.

• 52:38Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this?

• 52:49Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:50Conan O'Brien?

  If you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 53:08Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 53:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 53:17Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 53:17Speaker 06

  You're right.

• 53:17Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 53:21Speaker 06

  That's good.

• 53:22Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 53:24Speaker 06

  Uh, no, but maybe...

• 53:25Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries. Remember?

• 53:27Speaker 06

  I know. Yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 53:30Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. You can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 53:53Conan O'Brien?

  This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is on the rise, which is a good thing.

• 54:00Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:00Conan O'Brien?

  And a lot of people, thanks to days like World Mental Health Day, which I think is October 10th, have people thinking about how to take care of themselves. And I think for some people, therapy can be a great way to support their mental well-being. Remember, therapy isn't just for big life choices. It can be a place to talk about relationship problems, work issues, or simply the sense that something feels a little off. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp is one of the leading online therapy platforms. They serve millions of people globally. BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experience. Plus, BetterHelp makes it easy to fit therapy into your routine.

• 54:43Conan O'Brien?

  They've got flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles. Your mental health doesn't need a special occasion or anyone else's permission to matter. BetterHelp can connect you with a therapist who gets you, so you can make space for what matters to you. Visit betterhelp.com/conan to explore your payment options. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Conan.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  It's not over until you're dead. That's what I tell people, you know what I'm saying? Like, and, and you look at these young people and you wanna just go, but they have to learn.

• 55:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  They have to learn their way, but what I always said, the, the hope right now, you know, we had a lot more hope, I think, in our generation.

• 55:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 55:28Speaker 02

  The hope now is just because it's, everything is just so played out. All the rules are being broken. Our, our, uh, what do they call it? Uh, balances and checks and balances is just fucking-

• 55:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, also just civility.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  It's just so awful now, and I don't know if we went through a, a stage of children started raising children. You know what I mean? And, you know, I just-

• 55:54Conan O'Brien?

  I think the internet is a piece of this.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 55:56Conan O'Brien?

  I really do think-

• 55:58Speaker 02

  Piece of shit.

• 55:58Conan O'Brien?

  I really do think the internet-

• 56:00Speaker 02

  Is very much.

• 56:01Conan O'Brien?

  It's not all of it, but we were suddenly handed this, I mean, an entire history of humans that's been, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years, and then literally three seconds ago, we were handed this thing that tells us what everyone's thinking all the time.

• 56:21Speaker 02

  And that, and that, we should pay attention to it and like it so we can make sure that they feel validated. It's dopamine. It's enough, it's the worst drug that's ever been put out online.

• 56:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  And again-

• 56:31Conan O'Brien?

  And it's available to everybody.

• 56:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, and again, it pushes, you gotta be famous to be anyone, and that's not true. That's not true. I think the most, two most important people in the world are the garbage men and teachers. That's what I think. I've always thought that. We, who, who's gonna take care of the garbage?

• 56:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  But the garbage men, they are fucking very important. Let them not be, show up to work. We fucked. Teachers, everybody in here had to have a teacher at some point in their life. Even if you didn't go to school, at some point you had a teacher. Presidents have teachers. How are they not the highest paid? What are we striving for in this country? But to be, try to be better than what we always was. That's what the generations are, right? We want the generation to be better. We, and we advancing, but we're advancing in, uh, like J. Cole said, congratulations, you came a long way, but I'm so sorry you went the wrong way. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's, it's like we have, we've oversaturated, we don't have no balance.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  We're either all the way over here, or we're all the way over here, and until we learn that balance is what life is, we're gonna be some miserable motherfuckers. People always go, oh, well, you know, why does this happen to me? And why is it, it rains on the just as it does the unjust. You do not miss the rain just because you're special. You gotta go through sadness to know what happiness is. You don't know what success is until you're not successful. You just, you won't know the fucking difference. Like, you gotta have some reference and stop thinking of mistakes as mistakes. Thinking of, think of them as levels. You, stop playing a video game with your life. Ooh, I beat that level, cuz I promise you're not gonna get off that level until you beat that level.

• 58:20Speaker 02

  And it's like, it's like appreciation is the way, like you said, the internet has been, listen, you should be happy you have a ragged ass car. You should be happy you have a one bit, a studio. You could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You're blessed. You can get up and get a glass of water out of your kitchen? Doesn't matter if your kitchen is right there, but you could do it. You could warm up your food? You got a car? You got a car? If you don't appreciate what you got right now, what makes you think that you should be blessed with more? That's just like a parent. If you had a kid and you gave a kid a cha, uh, a toy, and they threw the toy to the side and say, I want another toy, you're gonna be like, uh, excuse me? Go play with the toy I just gave you? How, why would I give you something else when you just told me that that toy was shit?

• 59:05Speaker 02

  I'm telling everybody, it, it's, it's all the obvious things that you're thinking is what is supposed to happen. We have lost our way. We've lost our way as just trying to evolve. The change is, we're so scared. Everything is happening right now because someone decided back in the day that we wasn't gonna change. These was gonna be the rules, this is how, and Trump is a piece of shit, but Trump did come in here and show us that our shit ain't as tight as we thought.

• 59:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 59:38Speaker 02

  He literally is going, he's telling everybody, they're not gonna do anything. They're just gonna bitch. That's all they're gonna do. And the Democrats are showing up to a gunfight with a piece of cake. And the old Democrats should know to just go away. Just sit down and let the more progressive and aggressive Democrats step up and fight this fight the way that they're fighting it. Gavin Newsom, to me, was great the way he was responding. Everybody should respond like that. We're scared of someone, and I don't know why we're scared of them. We're looking at the most obvious problem, and it's showing that us as a community have been beaten to submission and forgotten that we are the people.

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  We're the people, we're the people. Are we gonna watch this crumble down? Or are we gonna do something? And as comedians, we're part of that too. When I go out, I try to make people laugh like a motherfucker, cuz you need an hour of relief, child. That's what our job is. Our job is to take you away from your problems for a little while and maybe laugh at them too. Because you leave there going, you know what? That shit ain't so bad. You know, that person that was on stage just told me that she's going through what I'm going through too. Like, community, get out, touch some grass, get the, turn your fucking TV off.

• 1:00:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not touching grass.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  Like, no, but yeah, you shouldn't-

• 1:00:59Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not gonna touch some fucking grass.

• 1:01:00Speaker 02

  You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't touch grass. You should-

• 1:01:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I was with you the whole way.

• 1:01:07Speaker 02

  You shouldn't touch grass.

• 1:01:08Conan O'Brien?

  I'm touching grass?

• 1:01:10Speaker 02

  You would literally turn into a welt.

• 1:01:15Conan O'Brien?

  Let me mention this, cuz it's important.

• 1:01:17Speaker 02

  I'm in here preaching.

• 1:01:18Conan O'Brien?

  That was good. That was fantastic. That was healing. Eduardo, I think you've changed Eduardo's life. Thousand percent.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  You know, people want me to be president, but I'm too hard, just like Ted Danson asked me, he was like, yeah, but I'm gonna implement, I'm gonna impli- impli-

• 1:01:32Speaker 06

  Implement?

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  Implement. See, I can't even say implement, I'm worse than Trump. But I am gonna implement volcanoes.

• 1:01:41Conan O'Brien?

  You want volcanoes?

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  Oh, we should definitely start throwing people in a volcano.

• 1:01:46Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:01:46Conan O'Brien?

  That's what you meant. Like sacrifices?

• 1:01:48Speaker 06

  I'm not gonna activate them.

• 1:01:50Speaker 02

  Not sacrifices. What are we sacrificing for?

• 1:01:52Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, that's what people do in volcanoes.

• 1:01:53Speaker 02

  Throw their ass in the volcano. Fuck this death sentence shit. Throw their ass in the volcano. So, throw a couple of these motherfuckers in the volcano and see if people start, uh, showing what we got them for. What we have volcanoes for.

• 1:02:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, why didn't we get those volcanoes?

• 1:02:07Speaker 02

  No, what, what are they for? Seriously, what are they for?

• 1:02:09Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think they're there because, uh, pressure within the earth, uh, hot gases needs to be expelled, uh, because of the magma-

• 1:02:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:02:18Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, the liquid core, of course, plate tectonics probably plays a part in it.

• 1:02:23Speaker 06

  Sure, sure.

• 1:02:24Conan O'Brien?

  So, for all those reasons, I don't think, uh, that we have to throw people into volcanoes.

• 1:02:28Speaker 02

  I think that we do. I think that we do.

• 1:02:31Conan O'Brien?

  This is the debate of our times.

• 1:02:33Speaker 02

  I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we, it's so much cheaper than the death sentence, and, uh-

• 1:02:38Conan O'Brien?

  It's true, they are existing already.

• 1:02:40Speaker 02

  And I'm just saying, we get one helicopter, get one of them, them little things and strap them to that, and then fly over the, phew.

• 1:02:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you drop them like bombs?

• 1:02:50Speaker 02

  Just phew, yeah. Like, phew, and televise that shit. And let me tell you something, let me tell you something, since we are throwing them in a volcano, it's gonna bless us.

• 1:03:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I think you said a lot of really beautiful, inspiring things, and, but you ended on your strongest point yet, which is we need to start throwing people into volcanoes. The return of civility.

• 1:03:10Speaker 02

  Volcano!

• 1:03:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 02

  Volcano!

• 1:03:14Conan O'Brien?

  I love it, you look at it, if you look at a timeline of your, it's like kindness, civility, we're in this together, volcano! Hey, I meant to mention this. You have a new HGTV show called Roast My Rental, where you, and this is really appealing to one of your strengths, which is you can tear someone apart. I know from firsthand experience, you go into these properties, right? And you look at these properties that are not always the best. Was that a fair thing?

• 1:03:45Speaker 02

  And I say exactly what I said, it's stinking here. It's stank. Why do you have, there was a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed. Nobody wanna see you.

• 1:03:56Conan O'Brien?

  You've been to my house?

• 1:03:57Speaker 02

  What the, why do you have a picture?

• 1:04:00Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a picture, that's a poster.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  No, but I'm saying, it's in the vacation rental? I don't wanna wake up to the motherfucking rental. He had a picture of his family-

• 1:04:08Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 1:04:08Speaker 02

  And I lost my shit, Conan. I, I had to apologize to him, cuz he was like, oh, that's my family. I said, man, I don't wanna give a fuck about your family.

• 1:04:18Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 1:04:19Conan O'Brien?

  That's so great. So this is you, this is you going through, this is you going through and laying waste, telling them exactly what they have to do to improve their rental property.

• 1:04:29Speaker 02

  And then I bring in my designer Jasmine Roth and she renovates it.

• 1:04:33Conan O'Brien?

  She makes it nice.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  Yes, and then we have, we have done some crazy properties. You would not believe the delusion that people have.

• 1:04:41Conan O'Brien?

  I would, I think.

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  Y'all, we did a spaceship. We did a spaceship in Joshua Tree.

• 1:04:47Conan O'Brien?

  So someone had a place that was?

• 1:04:49Speaker 02

  A spaceship. A spaceship.

• 1:04:53Conan O'Brien?

  Let me see if I'm getting this right.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  In the desert.

• 1:04:56Conan O'Brien?

  A spaceship in the desert.

• 1:04:57Speaker 02

  In the desert, homie. With snakes and spiders is, homie. Like, and for real, when we were driving in there, I ain't see no people. So I was like, oh vampires. Immediately.

• 1:05:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:08Speaker 02

  Immediately vampires. And then he drove up, so I'm fussing. I'm like, this is crazy. Only white people do this. Only white people.

• 1:05:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yes, we do.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  Buy spaceships.

• 1:05:17Conan O'Brien?

  And Matt and I are like high fiving each other under the table.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I'm like, oh, only white people do that. And then a black guy drives up. He gets out the truck. I said, brother, what the, how you gonna buy a spaceship? And then the white girl got out and I was like, oh. And everybody fell out. Everybody fell out. It was so funny.

• 1:05:37Conan O'Brien?

  Well, this sounds great.

• 1:05:38Speaker 02

  But that wasn't even the worst property we did, so.

• 1:05:41Conan O'Brien?

  All right, you've done 11? Was, it's an 11, it's a 12-episode season. Says you're 11. I don't know what's going on.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  Maybe.

• 1:05:48Conan O'Brien?

  You got?

• 1:05:48Speaker 02

  Maybe just trying to tell me something.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  Shit.

• 1:05:54Conan O'Brien?

  But this sounds great. This sounds really great.

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  It's so awesome.

• 1:05:57Conan O'Brien?

  I had a horribly embarrassing, this made me think of a horribly embarrassing moment the other day, but we met some people and I were chatting with them and they were talking about, you know, oh yeah, we'd love to see your house. And I said, well, it's, come on in, because I'm always that way. I always invite people in. So I invited these people in who I don't really know that well. And I was showing them around the house. And what I forgot is that my wife, for my birthday, there was, when I was doing the Oscars, um, someone took a really good black and white photograph of me holding the Oscar. And my wife, just for fun, got me a copy of that picture. And she put like a cheap frame around it, like as sort of a joke. And she leaned it again, and she had given it to me and I went, oh, that's so nice. And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick

• 1:06:39Conan O'Brien?

  nothing. And we, and these people walk through and there's this picture of me. And I'm like, they just think I'm the biggest asshole in the world. My wife was laughing. But they just thought I was insane. And I just thought of that when you said, who has a picture of themself?

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  Oh, I got so many pictures of myself. I got so many pictures of myself.

• 1:06:59Conan O'Brien?

  If I go through your house, you're gonna have pictures of you.

• 1:07:01Speaker 02

  You know what? And I wasn't a picture person. When I got to SNL, I just became a picture person. I was so good at it, too. I got so many selfies and pictures with people. And, and so when you come in, I have a billion pictures. I love pictures. I love her.

• 1:07:17Conan O'Brien?

  You always say yes to pictures, right?

• 1:07:19Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:07:19Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I do, too. Do you realize that we've each taken pictures with murderers and maybe mass murderers? Because I think of the, I always say yes to selfies. I never really know who the person is. No, no, I don't know who they are. I don't, I don't know who they are. I'm just saying, you know that you have a selfie with a murderer. You mean just statistically? Statistically.

• 1:07:40Speaker 06

  Oh, okay.

• 1:07:40Conan O'Brien?

  Statistically. Like it's likely. Statistically, you've, someone said, oh, I love you, and you put your arm around them.

• 1:07:45Speaker 02

  How will we find out?

• 1:07:46Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think we do. Well, sometimes, if you show me the picture, I can tell you. Um, like, that's a murderer.

• 1:07:51Speaker 02

  Oh, my god.

• 1:07:52Conan O'Brien?

  I'm telling you, statistically, you have. You've taken a picture with a murderer.

• 1:07:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, because I've been to some, some, I've been to Texas, so yeah.

• 1:08:00Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's a law there. You have to murder. Uh, well, this show sounds fantastic. Uh, you are an absa-fucking loo- delight. You just really are. You just.

• 1:08:12Speaker 02

  Aw, thank you so much.

• 1:08:14Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't she?

• 1:08:14Speaker 06

  We love Leslie Jones.

• 1:08:15Speaker 02

  That shit was stupid.

• 1:08:18Conan O'Brien?

  Thing is.

• 1:08:18Speaker 02

  I think, I don't think we got anything because we were laughing most of the time.

• 1:08:21Conan O'Brien?

  Well, yeah, until you said some really beautiful, profound things. And then we got into volcanoes. Um, but that might be my favorite, that might be my favorite part.

• 1:08:30Speaker 02

  I think that, that y'all should go home and actually.

• 1:08:31Conan O'Brien?

  My favorite was when you said, why do we have these volcanoes? If not to throw people into them?

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying. They didn't, listen, they didn't.

• 1:08:38Conan O'Brien?

  You didn't build these things.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  What I'm saying, they didn't did all the other stuff it's supposed to do.

• 1:08:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 1:08:43Speaker 02

  It's like hot lava waiting to be used.

• 1:08:46Conan O'Brien?

  You're right, you're right. It is.

• 1:08:47Speaker 02

  They ain't making buildings out of it. They're not making nothing else out of it. Why we got hot lava around here and we ain't throwing some people in here?

• 1:08:54Conan O'Brien?

  I am joining this campaign. We have these volcanoes. They should be put to use. We should start.

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  Do you know how awesome, do you know how great that everyone would start acting?

• 1:09:04Conan O'Brien?

  You're right.

• 1:09:04Speaker 02

  People would go to therapy. Everybody would be like, I do not want to die in a volcano.

• 1:09:09Conan O'Brien?

  I know that I'd be thrown in very quickly. But maybe that's for the good of the earth.

• 1:09:14Speaker 06

  Maybe.

• 1:09:14Conan O'Brien?

  Conan, you wouldn't make it to the top, dude. Just the heat emulsifying from you.

• 1:09:20Conan O'Brien?

  You'd get within.

• 1:09:20Speaker 02

  You would disintegrate.

• 1:09:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Wait, you'd get within like, the volcano's 25 miles away. We're almost there. You look back and you just smell, I smell ham cooking. You look down, there's just a skeleton with a red pompadour.

• 1:09:35Speaker 02

  No, it's more like corned beef.

• 1:09:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, corned beef. All right.

• 1:09:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:38Conan O'Brien?

  Leslie Jones, go with God, go in peace. Please come back soon and.

• 1:09:43Speaker 02

  You have to do the leprechaun thing.

• 1:09:45Conan O'Brien?

  Make fun of me anytime you like. Have a poke at the leprechaun. Make fun of him. It's for the good of all.

• 1:09:54Speaker 02

  I can imagine that voice. I would make you do that voice if we had sex. Yeah.

• 1:09:58Speaker 06

  Oh, what?

• 1:09:59Conan O'Brien?

  All right, I'm coming in. Here I am coming.

• 1:10:02Speaker 02

  I would. I would want her to be like, how do you want it, baby?

• 1:10:05Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, how would you like it? Oh, I'm, here I come. I'm on my way. Okay, sorry, having a little trouble. Give me a second.

• 1:10:18Speaker 06

  I'll be dying.

• 1:10:19Conan O'Brien?

  Where's me, where's me blue pill?

• 1:10:23Conan O'Brien?

  What's the opposite of pornography? Yeah. Ah, where's me blue pill? Oh, I'm getting distracted. Oh, now I'm on the computer. No, I'm coming back. Pure birth control. Oh, it's birth control.

• 1:10:35Speaker 06

  I know.

• 1:10:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my god.

• 1:10:37Speaker 06

  Oh, god.

• 1:10:38Conan O'Brien?

  This is the least, he rates just dropped around. The least sensual podcast of all time.

• 1:10:43Speaker 02

  Yo, I would record it and then sell it to TMZ.

• 1:10:45Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  That would be the best thing ever.

• 1:10:48Conan O'Brien?

  Be like, well, we're good. We're okay. Leslie, thank you so much.

• 1:10:53Speaker 02

  Thank you. This was so fun.

• 1:10:54Conan O'Brien?

  I love you. Come, just make fun of me anytime. And when you see me, just kick the shit out of me, please.

• 1:10:59Speaker 02

  No, I, I can't. Now I have to be nice to you. Whenever I see you now, I'm gonna just be nice to you and it's gonna piss you off every time.

• 1:11:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna hate that.

• 1:11:05Speaker 02

  You're gonna be like, ugh, what is this?

• 1:11:09Speaker 03

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:11:29Speaker 03

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:12:19Speaker 06

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• 1:13:01Speaker 06

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• 1:13:18Speaker 01

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