Comedy Crimes with Andy Daly

Conan and special guest Andy Daly chat with Peter in Framingham, MA about working for the CPCS Innocence Program, the best sources of DNA, and how to bring comedy into difficult conversations. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona,

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:17Conan O'Brien?

  you, you see this to be true, right?

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude.

• 0:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty jingle out of your head.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Liberty, liberty, liberty.

• 0:41Conan O'Brien?

  It's in my head all the time.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 0:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 0:48Speaker 02

  Hey, it's me, Teddy Swims. You hear that? That's life. So go grab it. Grab your old friends, grab new friends, grab a White Claw. Grab flavor for everyone in your group. Grab music, laughter, and moments you'll never forget. You'll never regret it.

• 1:09Speaker 02

  Grab new friends, grab old friends, grab life by the glow, White Claw. Please drink responsibly. White Claw Celta Works, Chicago, Illinois.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 1:30Speaker 03

  Hey, Peter, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

• 1:35Speaker 04

  How are you?

• 1:36Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we're great, Peter. Um, I wanna get right into this, cuz you are from Framingham, Massachusetts, which is not far from where I grew up in, in old Brookline, Massachusetts. And, uh, where are you right at this moment?

• 1:50Speaker 04

  At this moment, I'm in Framingham.

• 1:52Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you're in Framingham?

• 1:52Speaker 04

  In, yeah.

• 1:54Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:54Speaker 04

  In my office slash playroom.

• 1:55Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, cool. And this is-

• 1:56Speaker 03

  And real quick, we have someone special here with us today.

• 1:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he's very special. Uh-

• 2:01Speaker 05

  Is it me?

• 2:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, it is you.

• 2:05Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, please introduce our friend.

• 2:06Speaker 03

  Well, Andy Daly, who was on the podcast, is joining us as well for this fan episode. So Peter, meet Andy.

• 2:12Conan O'Brien?

  Hello, Peter.

• 2:12Speaker 04

  Hello, Andy. Pretty incredible to, to meet all three of you. This is, uh, this is great. I'm a big fan of all three, including a review I watched, um, when that came out. I loved that.

• 2:23Speaker 05

  Oh, Conan loves this. Conan loves a compliment from me.

• 2:29Speaker 03

  Keep going, Peter, keep going.

• 2:30Speaker 05

  Keep going. What else? Did you happen to see Yogi Bear, the motion picture? That was in 3D.

• 2:40Conan O'Brien?

  I'm enraged by, I am enraged by anyone getting a compliment, uh, even my children, but, but not Andy Daly, who, uh, is a true genius. But, um, I am fascinated. Yes, I'm very happy that Andy's joining us. But you, sir, work for the DNA Innocence Project, and this fascinates me because I wanna get away with the perfect murder one day, one day very soon, and this involves you, Andy. Is that what you think of when you hear the DNA Innocence Project? Is how can you get away with the perfect murder? Yes. This is noble work, Conan. Well, I know they're helping people and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've got to get away with the perfect murder.

• 3:22Speaker 03

  Doesn't you just saying you wanna get away with the perfect murder mean you're never gonna get away with the perfect murder?

• 3:27Conan O'Brien?

  I'm trusting that no one's listening right now.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  Well, that's fair.

• 3:30Conan O'Brien?

  Um, okay, well, Peter, let's get serious for a second. This is incredible work that you do. Tell us a little bit about it. It, uh, it's, it's obviously, this is science-based, but there's also, uh, the law. Are, are you a practicing lawyer as well?

• 3:46Speaker 04

  Yes, yep. Um, so that's what I, uh, it's the, it's actually the Public Defender's Office Innocence Program, um, for the statewide, um, innocence program. So I'm a DNA litigator, essentially. I'm kind of, uh, focused on DNA, but there are, um, a few other attorneys, including the director of the program, who focus on everything having to do with a wrongful conviction, including police misconduct, eyewitness, bad eyewitness testimony, stuff like that. But, uh, my focus is, is DNA and trying to get DNA testing to, to prove innocence.

• 4:22Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, DNA is, uh, and the science of DNA, DNA detection is really a godsend because, um, we're able to now solve these crimes and prove people innocent when that wasn't possible 25 years ago. Is that true?

• 4:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's really incredible how far it's come. It just even in the last 10 years, they've made a lot. But, yeah, there's, um, there's a lot of, there are a lot of cases that are from the 80s, 90s that, you know, people have been incarcerated for, you know, 30 years, uh, 40 years. And thanks to DNA, the discriminating power of like figuring out that one person that it is or isn't, it's pretty incredible, um, that we're able to test those things now and get somebody out.

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  I think if you, if you did not commit a murder, you should not go to jail for it, right? And you should be let out of jail for the murder that you didn't commit it, but I'm not so sure. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

• 5:25Speaker 04

  Bold take.

• 5:25Conan O'Brien?

  That's insane. In my opinion, if you've been in jail- Someone's gotta be in prison. But this is what I'm saying. I mean, that space that we have built for people to be in prison, you gotta put someone in there. I absolutely agree. What do they do or they didn't do it?

• 5:38Speaker 05

  No, but I'm saying the opposite. I disagree. If you've been in jail for like 40 years for committing a murder, and then it turns out you didn't do it, I, in my opinion, they should let you out of jail. However-

• 5:48Speaker 03

  Another bold take.

• 5:49Speaker 05

  I don't think necessarily the person who did do it should go. I mean, if you get away with something for like 40 years, you should, they, they should be able to. You know, just pat them on the back and say, congratulations.

• 6:00Conan O'Brien?

  You think statute of limitations on murder?

• 6:02Speaker 03

  It's more than that. You're actually saying like you deserve something for your wileness or something?

• 6:07Conan O'Brien?

  I think so. Oh, so not just-

• 6:08Speaker 03

  It's like a reward.

• 6:09Conan O'Brien?

  Not just you don't, not just you don't go to prison, but you also get a new car.

• 6:14Speaker 05

  A new car would be great. I mean, anybody could use it.

• 6:18Speaker 05

  But I think some kind of acknowledgement that you are the top, you're in the top echelon of smart people in our, in our world, that you got away with a murder for 40 years.

• 6:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 6:27Speaker 05

  You'll lock somebody like that up.

• 6:28Conan O'Brien?

  No, I, I think you bring up, uh, a very bad point.

• 6:37Conan O'Brien?

  Um, but, but this is, I mean, it really is incredible.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  Wait a minute.

• 6:40Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 6:41Speaker 03

  Spoken like someone who's gotten away with murder for a long time.

• 6:44Conan O'Brien?

  That's true.

• 6:45Speaker 05

  I'm just saying, if you like killed somebody in college, whatever, just because a bunch of guys were out and it seemed like a fun thing to do, if-

• 6:55Speaker 05

  All these years later, you're 55 years old, you have a family.

• 6:59Conan O'Brien?

  You're successful in show business. You work in comedy.

• 7:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, you work in comedy or whatever. And you, a new car would be great.

• 7:06Conan O'Brien?

  Anyone could use it.

• 7:11Conan O'Brien?

  Peter, did you ever think the Innocence Project could be so funny? I mean, this is the important thing.

• 7:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's just good time, it's good to laugh. Laughs are the cure for everything.

• 7:23Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, so here's the question. What are the best ways, cuz I do wanna get some real information, then back to your idiocy, Andy. But the best ways to, uh, what are the best sources of DNA? Is it saliva? Is it blood? Is it semen? Uh, is it hair? What are the best ones?

• 7:44Speaker 03

  Is it DNA?

• 7:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, just DNA in a bottle.

• 7:50Speaker 04

  The very best that, yeah, I mean, cuz it just stays around so long is bone, but that's not what we really see in our work. For like what we'll see in a case, usually it's gonna be blood, uh, semen. Those are probably hair now. Uh, that's kind of more recent as far as-

• 8:06Speaker 03

  People don't leave behind bone at the scene of, of the crimes that they commit?

• 8:12Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I love? I love a guy who's back from a crime and he's really smart. He's like, well, it's perfect murder. I, well, damn it, where's my tibia?

• 8:24Speaker 05

  I have to sneak back in and get my tibia.

• 8:26Conan O'Brien?

  You mean, I need to limp back in and put my tibia back in this leg bone sack? You're telling me the Bone Man Killer leaves one of his bones at every murder scene? How is this- Man walking around. So wait a minute, you can, I didn't realize bone was such a good source of DNA. For how long, if you, could you prove that like a Triceratops killed a Stegosaurus? At what point can you find the bone, but there's no DNA?

• 8:54Speaker 04

  Uh, that's a good question. I don't know the answer to.

• 8:56Conan O'Brien?

  And do you agree with me that it would be pointless to put that Triceratops in jail at this point? And, and that Triceratops, that Triceratops should get a car. Yes!

• 9:08Conan O'Brien?

  Especially made car.

• 9:11Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, that Triceratops is chewing around on that new Nissan Leaf.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  Oh, you haven't heard about him?

• 9:19Conan O'Brien?

  We're idiots and we apologize, but at the same time, we're doing what we do. And these are the murders we commit. These are called comedy crimes.

• 9:29Conan O'Brien?

  But were I to commit a crime, uh, it's almost impossible not to shed something. I've got a lot of hair, rather distinctive hair.

• 9:39Conan O'Brien?

  It's very hard not to shed some DNA, maybe even impossible, because aren't we shedding skin cells all the time? I know I am.

• 9:49Speaker 03

  That was a sexual connotation and it doesn't compute.

• 9:53Conan O'Brien?

  He's so proud of the skin cells. How was the party? Pretty good. I'm pretty sure I left some dead skin there.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  What do you think conception is?

• 10:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, Peter, please, continue. I mean, isn't it kind of impossible not to leave some DNA?

• 10:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, like you said, shedding, so skin cells, if you touch anything, you're gonna leave some touch DNA, some skin cells back there, wherever you're touching, you're gonna, hair's gonna fall out, saliva, if you're talking, um, you know, that can come out.

• 10:25Conan O'Brien?

  I just had an idea. I would have myself laminated before I committed a murder.

• 10:31Conan O'Brien?

  Fed into one of those laminating machines that does business cards and stuff.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  So you leave no DNA, but a guy walks into a building who's completely laminated.

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  Completely laminated.

• 10:40Speaker 03

  And expects to get away with it.

• 10:41Conan O'Brien?

  Kind of hops, shuffle hops in. Feeling a little loud. Um, can I come in, please? Uh, no. Could you, um, kill yourself? Police?

• 10:55Conan O'Brien?

  Can't move my hands.

• 10:58Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, yeah, we're just shedding stuff all the time. It's incredible. It's incredible. No, it's true. We just can't, uh, you know, and, and the other thing is, um, I guess a big problem is you, the police come to a crime scene and they leave their own DNA, they're eating their donuts and they're, you know, walking around with their nightsticks and saying, move it along now, move it along. So they contaminate a scene, so you have to make sure you, that their DNA doesn't mess stuff up, right?

• 11:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, uh, yeah, absolutely.

• 11:26Speaker 03

  Blay mentioned that, that he could, he had the idea of bringing in a spray bottle of blood or like a, I don't know, like a garden hose of semen or something like that.

• 11:34Conan O'Brien?

  Garden hose?

• 11:35Speaker 06

  I was just saying, if semen lasts a long time, you could, you potentially carry a Ziploc bag full of a lot of different kinds of semen and then just throw it around.

• 11:43Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, I've got that.

• 11:45Conan O'Brien?

  I've been wondering what to do with it. I've got nine different kinds of semen in a bag in my garage. Different kinds? Yes.

• 11:57Conan O'Brien?

  I jerked off a grasshopper.

• 11:59Speaker 03

  This one's called wet velvet.

• 12:01Conan O'Brien?

  This one's called... Different streams? Yeah.

• 12:05Speaker 03

  Called the Opal Avenger.

• 12:19Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  What?

• 12:22Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things, so I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Ooh!

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:27Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 12:33Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 12:34Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:39Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 12:49Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. And, uh, that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 12:58Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 12:58Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:00Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 13:11Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:13Conan O'Brien?

  You know, uh, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 13:18Speaker 01

  My god!

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 13:23Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to tmobile.com and find yours. Best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data, first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US, where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit tmobile.com, consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 13:52Conan O'Brien?

  We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you it's that leather jacket I got you.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Are you gonna do a bit?

• 13:59Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.

• 14:04Conan O'Brien?

  We all have that versatile jacket, the perfect t-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 14:13Speaker 01

  What?

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  Quince. They do it best. They really do. I was really thinking about this.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  What a coincidence that we're doing an ad for them.

• 14:19Conan O'Brien?

  No, a co- coincidence.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Oh, no!

• 14:24Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I get the big money.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  I gotta go.

• 14:26Conan O'Brien?

  Cut to very small amount of money. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and designs that are timeless, thoughtful, crafted, and made to be worn again and again. And when the temperature starts to drop, Quince makes it easy to build on those everyday staples with versatile layers. Layer up!

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Lou!

• 14:43Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Blay, you're, you're using some Quince. That's right. I'm spending a lot of time, uh, back east, uh, in Michigan. It's getting a little colder, so I got a featherless quilted jacket in Atlas Navy, and I just feel like a different guy. I feel classy. You look like a different guy, because you're well dressed. That's right, exactly. No, I'm serious. He looks like a hobo half the time. That's true. He's right. That's true. No, they, they really do great stuff. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK as well.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  All right.

• 15:16Conan O'Brien?

  And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Please do that. Say, by the way, I heard about this on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Oh, I didn't really ask. I just want you to know. It's the best way to support the show.

• 15:34Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 15:44Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 15:48Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 15:50Speaker 01

  No, but maybe...

• 15:51Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries. Remember?

• 15:54Speaker 01

  I know, yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 15:56Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. You can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide. The Hulu original series, Phony, is coming to Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus, October 20th. My name is Sonny Cook. Ever since the accident, my mom looks different. You think your mom has been swapped out with a different woman? I know something, okay? Something's wrong. I don't know what's going on with you, but I know that I'm your mother. If that's not your mom, why do you think she is? I don't know, but I need to find her. Watch the Hulu original series, Phony, on October 20th.

• 16:41Conan O'Brien?

  Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

• 16:51Conan O'Brien?

  I feel bad because you're doing really good work, Peter.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  We haven't even let the guy talk.

• 16:55Conan O'Brien?

  We haven't even let you talk because I just said I jerked off a grasshopper.

• 17:03Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, you're a really smart, good man who's trying to help people, and we're awful. We're just awful people. None of us can watch Dumbo ever again.

• 17:14Conan O'Brien?

  Or I need to see it right away. Pick your poison. Peter, um, uh, I'm, I'm curious, uh, and I'm desperately trying to keep this on an even keel. But is the science, it just keeps advancing. I would guess that it's just gonna get better and better and better. Is that correct?

• 17:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, uh, it is. I mean, there's new stuff coming out now about, you know, we've been able to, the last few years, get something from, uh, seven trillionths of a gram of material and take that and turn that into a DNA profile. And now we're at the point where we can take, you know, some fractured DNA and then run that through your family tree and figure out, okay, well, this person from that family was in that area around the time.

• 18:03Conan O'Brien?

  Wow.

• 18:04Speaker 04

  And sort that. It's pretty, it's amazing stuff.

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  There's something that fascinates me. I, I listen to, I'm a history buff. I also enjoy, um, crime stuff. I listened to a very long podcast recently about the Lindbergh kidnapping and, um, in the 1930s, Charles Lindbergh's son is kidnapped from the home and they got some ransom notes. And many people for a long time have said, the person who was convicted and sent to electric chair, Bruno Hauptmann, possibly didn't do it. And there's one way they could really tell is if they took the stamps

• 18:45Conan O'Brien?

  off of the envelopes, which they still have in New Jersey. They still have the stamps and test that DNA. It might, it wouldn't maybe exclude Hauptmann, but if his DNA is on one of the stamps, they know that he definitely was one or the only person who, uh, who committed the crime. And the, New Jersey refuses to do it.

• 19:11Speaker 04

  Why?

• 19:11Conan O'Brien?

  They won't, they just, they won't say, but they just say, we don't want to do it. I suspect it's because, what if they test it and there's a chance that Bruno Hauptmann didn't write any of those notes? They sent this guy to the electric chair. I, but everyone's dead.

• 19:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:27Conan O'Brien?

  Why not? And I don't know why they do it. And I think they've sometimes said, whoa, we, it's a historic document. We don't want to destroy, to test the DNA that'd have to destroy some evidence, but I don't understand why they wouldn't. You could find out, they could find out, they could test it today and, and tell us what the answer is in a couple of weeks.

• 19:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. And I mean, and we actually see that kind of a lot, um, in our work where we're kind of asking DA's offices, uh, the prosecution offices to test something because part of the process is getting them to, to agree to it or, you know, fighting about that in court. And a lot of the time they're saying, no, we just, we, we don't think that we should.

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Because basically sometimes it's, we worked really hard. We've got this person. We think we have a pretty good, they're in prison. We don't, it's a, it would be naturally a frightening thing for them. It shouldn't be, but a frightening thing for them to maybe admit, oh shit, he didn't do it. She didn't do it. That would be, so they'd rather just not find out?

• 20:31Speaker 04

  I, I mean, sometimes they have other reasons too, like in the grand calculus of the case, does it actually matter that much or not? I mean, in this one, obviously, um, that would be helpful to know. I think, I got, I think the question for New Jersey is, you know, do they think that the science isn't there? Cause saliva can deteriorate, uh, faster as far as a DNA biological sample. So, you know, do they think that they can use the science? Probably the newest science that I just was talking about, kind of like, um, getting little fragments of DNA, maybe they could do, but, um, it is something that you, we, we try to, to fight for getting that tested, just like what, uh, they should be doing with the envelope stamp.

• 21:16Conan O'Brien?

  This is why when I send a letter, I use blood and semen on the stamp.

• 21:19Speaker 05

  Oh no.

• 21:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:20Speaker 05

  It's not gonna help you at all.

• 21:22Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you're right. It's the worst thing I could do.

• 21:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:24Conan O'Brien?

  And it also takes so much time.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  What kind of semen though?

• 21:28Conan O'Brien?

  And which goes first? As long as you have a cricket handy and a little cricket porn. Um, cricket porn. I show it on a little projector to a cricket.

• 21:41Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 21:42Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, for Christ's sake. We were doing so well too.

• 21:46Speaker 05

  No, we weren't.

• 21:47Conan O'Brien?

  No, oh, you're right. Well, no, I think my.

• 21:49Speaker 05

  Oh, for a second there.

• 21:50Conan O'Brien?

  For a second there, I think we were on an even keel.

• 21:53Speaker 05

  On New Jersey's behalf, New Jersey doesn't have a lot of cool stuff.

• 21:56Conan O'Brien?

  You're from New Jersey.

• 21:56Speaker 05

  I'm from New Jersey.

• 21:57Conan O'Brien?

  So you don't think they have the science that the rest of the world has?

• 22:00Speaker 05

  These envelopes are pretty cool. These are like the Lindbergh baby kidnapper envelopes.

• 22:05Speaker 04

  Right. Cause they got Billy Joel and these stamps and that's about it.

• 22:08Speaker 05

  They don't really have Billy Joel. He's out there on Long Island.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  Sorry. You're right. They don't even have Billy Joel.

• 22:14Speaker 05

  They don't even have Billy Joel. New Jersey has nothing.

• 22:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not true. They had Bruce Springsteen for a while, but he just bought an island in Crete and, uh, he's now a Greek citizen. So, everyone's getting out of New Jersey.

• 22:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 22:25Conan O'Brien?

  His last album was all about how amazing it is in Greece. And they say he's lost his touch with his fans.

• 22:31Speaker 05

  Creek girl.

• 22:37Conan O'Brien?

  The Aegean blues. I mean, just.

• 22:38Speaker 05

  Born in the Parthenon.

• 22:42Conan O'Brien?

  I'll edit that out. No, I don't think you will.

• 22:46Speaker 04

  I will.

• 22:47Conan O'Brien?

  Why?

• 22:47Speaker 04

  You'll see.

• 22:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, come on, leave it in. It's good stuff. I enjoyed it. And now us talking about it makes it even better.

• 22:52Speaker 04

  I'll edit all this out.

• 22:53Conan O'Brien?

  No, none of us are gonna be.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  Not a trace, not a DNA trace.

• 22:56Conan O'Brien?

  And you take out Peter. All his good work. And it's just us jerking off crickets and singing Born in the Parthenon. Um, I think what I'm learning is it's just good not to commit a crime because with the science, and you'd think I'd have learned that from my early Christian teachings, but no, none of that stuck. I just really wasn't paying attention. I thought that nun was hot. Uh, but since then, I, I just think it's, who commits a crime now? Because you're gonna leave DNA.

• 23:30Speaker 05

  People do do it.

• 23:31Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, still, crimes are still happening?

• 23:32Speaker 05

  So, yeah, people do commit crimes.

• 23:34Conan O'Brien?

  You sure?

• 23:35Speaker 05

  I think so.

• 23:35Speaker 04

  From time to time.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  Are crimes of passion the predominant type of crime? Like is premeditated crime just not as much a thing anymore?

• 23:42Speaker 04

  I don't know. I think it's, it's still certainly a thing.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  That's good to know.

• 23:46Speaker 04

  Still happening. Yeah. But they're not, I mean, they're not thinking as thoroughly as can I, you know, jerk off grasshopper and then use that.

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  You know what, Peter? We've ruined you. Here now.

• 23:58Speaker 03

  They're gonna play this to discredit you in court.

• 24:00Conan O'Brien?

  I know. Oh my gosh. Well, anyway, I, Peter Tilly, believe, oh, you do, do you?

• 24:08Speaker 03

  Exhibit, exhibit a, a grasshopper. Or cricket.

• 24:12Conan O'Brien?

  Cricket.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  Um, a cricket.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  I believe we've invoked both over the course of this podcast. We've spoken of grasshoppers and crickets and their semen.

• 24:22Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, you know what? Thanks for clearing up something that didn't need to be in any way, in no way needed to be straightened out. I just love you got right in there and fixed a thing that wasn't broken.

• 24:33Speaker 05

  Just wanted to say, we've talked about both and I'd like to say it again.

• 24:40Conan O'Brien?

  The other thing I think it would come a long way is that people now understand DNA science and that it's a real thing better. I mean, in the OJ trial, it was still fairly new and you could, you know, there was some sense that, oh, what's all this medical science gobbledygook have to do with the fact that, uh, those gloves don't fit, uh, as well as we think they should? Even though he's wearing other gloves, he had catcher's mitts on when they had, when they tried those gloves on. I'm sorry, I'm really getting deep into the case, but I think people should know it. It's up there with the Lindbergh thing. Um, I, uh, is there anything you want to tell us or any questions you have for us? Because you're an expert in your area, but look at us. We're an expert in, oh, I just remembered, I just remembered who we are.

• 25:26Speaker 04

  Yeah. I mean, uh, a big thing that I, uh, you know, think about or encounter is I'm having difficult conversations with people all the time. Um, you know, clients that I'm trying to work with and, um, I'm personally, I, I think, you know, comedy and being, um, a little bit more lighter in the conversation can go a long way, especially with somebody who's kind of living day to day, uh, behind bars and wondering if you have any tips about maybe how to, uh, bring comedy into conversations that I'm having.

• 25:58Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my God. If you're talking to someone who's been wrongfully imprisoned and they're not sure they're gonna get out of prison and you want advice from us on how to make your conversations with them when they've got like, what is it? One minute on the phone to talk to you and there's a long line of people behind them?

• 26:13Speaker 05

  This is a good time for jokes.

• 26:14Conan O'Brien?

  I think, yeah. If you're like, well, Conan O'Brien and Andy Daly told me.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  I've got some important information about your case, but first a type five.

• 26:26Conan O'Brien?

  I think I can get you out, but hold, oh, we got the, we got the evidence back and something I gotta tell you that's gonna change your life. But first, I was talking to Conan and Andy and Matt Gourley. Um, I don't know. I, I, uh, I, I don't, I have no advice here on this because I, I feel just ashamed that I'm talking to you.

• 26:48Speaker 05

  Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how, how you would lighten that moment.

• 26:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 26:51Speaker 05

  I mean, maybe funny voices. Like you could tell them the things you need to tell them, but like in a funny voice.

• 26:56Conan O'Brien?

  Let's hear a little of that. I don't know. Just, uh, I spoke to the attorneys. I don't know.

• 27:06Speaker 05

  Yeah. Evidence came back and you did it.

• 27:15Conan O'Brien?

  That's delivering the good news.

• 27:21Conan O'Brien?

  Have Donald Duck, I mean, have, have, have Donald Duck say your semen's all over the place.

• 27:33Speaker 05

  And so is mine, because I don't wear pants.

• 27:45Conan O'Brien?

  The prisoner gets off and he's crying, he's laughing so hard. And he gets back to his cell and his cellmate's like, "Oh, good news, no, terrible news."

• 27:55Conan O'Brien?

  "But Donald Duck told me."

• 27:58Conan O'Brien?

  Peter, I think we've changed your life forever.

• 28:01Speaker 05

  You have, you have.

• 28:01Conan O'Brien?

  Um, hey, uh, next time, my, my brother lives in, uh, in Natick and I've got, I've got family all over Massachusetts, so the next time I'm back, maybe we'll bump into each other, that'd be cool.

• 28:13Speaker 05

  That'd be wonderful.

• 28:14Conan O'Brien?

  I want to shed some dry skin on you.

• 28:18Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna grab a, when I see you, I'm gonna grab, I'm gonna keep a loofah in my back pocket. It's like a guy that put shreds cheese onto your pasta. I'm gonna come over and, "Here's a little something for you." "Take that to the lab." "Yeah, plant this on a crime scene, you motherfucker." Peter, this was a delight, thank you so much, and keep doing great work.

• 28:38Speaker 05

  Thanks, Peter. Thank you, guys, thank you very much.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executed produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino, take it away, Jimmy.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.

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