Pod Insights Call Her Daddy Podcast Mariska Hargitay: Love, Loss and Law & Order About this episode Join Alex in the studio for an interview with Mariska Hargitay. She reveals what she really thinks about Olivia and Elliot’s relationship on SVU and how playing this role has changed her as a person. Mariska also opens up about her experience as a survivor, finding healing, and navigating loss. Enjoy! This episode includes discussion and description of sexual violence. Please keep this in mind when deciding if, how and when you’ll listen.
Transcript 14,812 words · 4 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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3:04 Alex Cooper? What is up Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy.
3:13 Alex Cooper? Mariska Hargitay, welcome to Call Her Daddy.
3:15 Speaker 03 Thank you. I'm so excited to be here.
3:17 Alex Cooper? No, you don't even know. Okay, you just walked in here saying everyone's so excited for you to come on.
3:22 Speaker 03 Everyone is texting me saying you should be on it. I said, sweetheart, that's why I'm here.
3:26 Alex Cooper? Okay, everyone in my life, I feel like a lot of my friends and family have gotten used to my job by now. When they found out you were coming on, everyone's being a little nicer to me this week. Everyone's like, do you think you could get a selfie? I'm like, leave me alone. You have literally put me into a different strata.
3:43 Speaker 03 Alex, am I giving you street cred?
3:45 Alex Cooper? Without a doubt. I've never been cooler in my life. Everyone's like, holy shit, you got her. I'm like, I got her.
3:51 Speaker 03 Guess what? I think this goes both ways.
3:53 Alex Cooper? Okay, good. Okay.
3:54 Speaker 03 All right, because now I'm cool with the kids.
3:56 Alex Cooper? Okay, cool.
3:56 Speaker 03 I'm cool with the kids.
3:57 Alex Cooper? Yeah, we're both giving each other a little street cred.
3:59 Speaker 03 I like it.
3:59 Alex Cooper? What are you up to this summer? Like, are you, do you have plans? Are you working? What's your life gonna be like?
4:05 Speaker 03 Well, first of all, I'm here. Today's a very exciting day because my trailer dropped for my film.
4:10 Alex Cooper? Congratulations.
4:11 Speaker 03 Thank you. So today, I'm sort of buzzy and so exciting. And it feels newly real to me, right? When the trailer drops and the poster's out. So I'm here doing that. I'm getting ready for my Tribeca premiere on the 13th.
4:27 Alex Cooper? You're gonna be at Tribeca too?
4:28 Speaker 03 Yes.
4:28 Alex Cooper? I'm gonna be at Tribeca.
4:29 Speaker 03 I told you, we need our own shows. We're just warming up.
4:32 Alex Cooper? Sweetie.
4:33 Speaker 03 Lovey.
4:34 Alex Cooper? Honey.
4:35 Speaker 03 Sweet cheeks.
4:35 Alex Cooper? Oh my God, babe.
4:37 Speaker 03 Honey pie.
4:38 Alex Cooper? Holy shit.
4:39 Speaker 03 Pumpkin.
4:41 Speaker 03 Congratulations.
4:42 Alex Cooper? Thank you. I know. Isn't it weird?
4:43 Speaker 03 You have a documentary about you and you're 12.
4:46 Alex Cooper? No.
4:47 Speaker 03 And I'm so proud of you. You know who you are? You're the young Olivia Benson. You are so badass.
4:54 Alex Cooper? I am obsessed with you.
4:55 Speaker 03 No, but seriously.
4:56 Alex Cooper? No, it's so, but isn't it scary? It's a little scary.
4:59 Speaker 03 Oh, it's a lot scary.
5:00 Alex Cooper? Right?
5:01 Speaker 03 But can I tell you something?
5:02 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
5:03 Speaker 03 Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there, that's the most badass thing you can do.
5:10 Alex Cooper? It is.
5:10 Speaker 03 And it's the truth.
5:12 Alex Cooper? But I'm curious for you with this documentary.
5:14 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:15 Alex Cooper? Obviously you get into your childhood, which I love to talk about on Call Her Daddy. Is it weird for you to have been playing Olivia Benson for so many years and now you're about to be on screen as yourself?
5:26 Speaker 03 No.
5:26 Alex Cooper? No.
5:27 Speaker 03 No, because I feel like, and this is something I've thought about a lot.
5:32 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
5:33 Speaker 03 I feel that I have been preparing for this moment, for this project, my entire life. It took me two years to make this movie. I started two years ago in June. I did the first interview. I think it was the end of May or June. I can't remember exactly the date right now, but I decided to do it in the pandemic during COVID. And once I decided, you know, it was off to the races. And so for me, I mean, it's such a loaded question, right? Because yes, I play Olivia Benson on TV and I ask people to come forward to tell their stories. So I wanted to do what I preach and to
6:16 Speaker 03 come forward and tell my story. And I believe that telling our story and being vulnerable is the thing that makes us the most authentic, the most badass, the most human. And it only brings people toward us because it levels the playing field of our humanity.
6:36 Alex Cooper? That makes me feel really good because I feel like with a documentary, it is so vulnerable.
6:42 Speaker 03 It is.
6:43 Alex Cooper? And you are prepared, obviously, like, but a documentary is a piece of work. So you're ready for the critics, but you're also like, this is my life. Go easy on me. And so it's a little,
6:52 Speaker 03 Yeah, but I feel like this is, this is my life. This is my story. Everyone is obviously a welcome to have their reaction and their opinion and to sort of metabolize it and assimilate it in their own way. But I find that there's such. Universality in this specific, right? So you're telling your story and is it about how you got here and this sort of genesis of?
7:19 Alex Cooper? Yes, it's just I had a big part of my, the end of my first episode, I talk about the sexual harassment I endured from my college soccer coach. And I had never really talked about it and I felt guilty because a part of me was like, I'm similar in that way where I'm like, I'm having people sit in this chair and tell me their stories. Why have I been holding on to this for so long? And so I kind of go through the process of telling it in a way that it was nice to have a director do it for me. I know you directed your piece, but for me, I almost needed someone to take it from me a little bit. Cause I was like, I'm gonna, I don't even know how to say this. Just interview me and I'll tell you what happened to me. So it was very freeing. Um, but you-
8:00 Speaker 03 That is so beautiful and so brave. And you know what? Don't ever question why, seriously, why you didn't tell your story because you tell your story when you're ready and not a moment before. And I tell that to everyone. And I, I mean, you know, I disclosed my story of abuse and, and, and I told it when I was ready. So I don't, you don't, I don't fault anyone. They need to come forward when they are ready and they have the infrastructure and they have the scaffolding and the support after to be able to integrate into the world. And so I just think it's amazing that you're doing that and so young.
8:39 Alex Cooper? Thank you. No, and-
8:40 Speaker 03 I think I could be your mom like three times over.
8:42 Alex Cooper? Stop.
8:43 Speaker 03 I'm gonna be 87 on Friday.
8:46 Alex Cooper? You're, get out of here. You're perfect in your Chanel. Shut up. Um, can we talk about this documentary though?
8:51 Speaker 03 Yes.
8:52 Alex Cooper? It, it really focuses obviously on your mom, who you lost when you were three.
8:57 Speaker 03 Yes.
8:57 Alex Cooper? What was it like revisiting this time in your life?
9:01 Speaker 03 It was so many things and I allowed it to be so many things. And you know, it was like a archaeological dig for me. It was like the ultimate detective work, right? And I didn't know what I was gonna find, but my, it was such a, a beautiful journey, a painful journey, a bumpy ride. It was E, all of the above. It was so many things.
9:28 Alex Cooper? Okay. My, I'm wondering though, you're three years old when you lose your mom. Did you have any memories at all of her?
9:35 Speaker 03 I have a couple of memories that-
9:39 Speaker 03 I don't know if they're memories, or they're photographs, or they're something that I wish happened, or a fragment of a memory. And I don't know, but it's been a life of trying to, of longing for her and trying to, you know, reconstruct connection, which was so painful for me. You know, I say in the movie, losing my mother felt like having a hole in your heart. That's what it felt like to me. And
10:26 Speaker 03 and so it's been a life of navigating that and trying to figure out how to do it. So this movie, being ready to make this movie and go on this, you know, expedition and go on this journey of finding her has been one of, you know, besides my husband and children and SVU has been one of the most rewarding, profound experiences of my life. And because there was so much archival footage on my mom, it was the gift that just kept on giving. It was just, it kept on giving. It was magnificent.
11:09 Alex Cooper? When you just said that, though, it made me think, I feel like a lot of people, we have these memories from childhood that either come back up or are so specific and then you do start to, as you get older, be like, did that fucking happen?
11:24 Speaker 03 Happened, exactly.
11:24 Alex Cooper? And do you have any advice for people going through that? Like, have you just leaned in and accepted that maybe they're not real? Maybe they are, but they're what I remember, so I'm gonna live in them? Or are you, is it unsettling to not know if it's real?
11:36 Speaker 03 It's not unsettling. And I think that was part of the journey of making the film is that I missed my mother. What's true about memories doesn't really matter. What matters is I missed her and I love her and we are forever connected. And I'm finding new sort of avenues of connection.
12:06 Speaker 03 As I live forward, and I remember, you know, one of the things was when your mom dies, when you're so young, you know, and pre-verbal really, it's hard to remember anything and you certainly can't express what you felt, right? Because it was pre-verbal and that goes with, that goes for my trauma as well about living through the accident of her dying. And I remember when I got my star in 2011 on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And I remember thinking like, oh, you know, it's nice. It's a thing that people do. Oh, yeah, it's nice. I didn't really know how to take it in, I guess. And I thought like, oh, yeah. I mean, I kind of dismissed it. I'll be honest with you. And then I got there that day. And when
12:51 Speaker 03 I saw my star on the ground next to her star, I was so overcome with emotion. And somehow into that moment of seeing her, this visual of these two stars with her name on it and my name on it, was one of the most emotionally connected moments that I've ever had with her. And I tell you this, it took me by surprise to be connected with her and the stars because
13:29 Speaker 03 it was on such a primal level and it was in my cells. It was in my cellular DNA. And I was so, again, I was so surprised by it, but I just took it as a gift. So there's been these moments. And during the making of this film and on this journey, I've had so many moments where I got to see our similarity or what I came from and what I...
13:57 Speaker 03 admire and revere and respect are the things about her that I'm in awe of and the things about her that that are so similar to how I am. So in that way, it has been this gift.
14:10 Alex Cooper? It's beautiful.
14:11 Speaker 03 It's so, it's so magnificent.
14:13 Alex Cooper? And it's beautiful too, because anyone that's lost a parent or a loved one or whoever, like there's such pain when you think about it, but the more you're
14:21 Speaker 03 Universal pain.
14:22 Alex Cooper? Yes.
14:22 Speaker 03 Right?
14:22 Alex Cooper? And the more you're able to slowly allow yourself to be open to those moments where you're looking at the star and then you feel connected to your mom or you're going through this archival footage.
14:31 Speaker 03 That's exactly what you said is the truth, is allowing ourselves to be open. That is so exactly right. And, and this kind of like broke me open.
14:41 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
14:41 Speaker 03 Right? Because it was a struggle for me and there were things and decisions that, and choices that my mother made that were so painful for me, or I didn't understand. I was like, why would you do that? Or I think you could have done it a different way. And maybe me not understanding and grocking the time, the 50s, all that stuff. And now the making of this film has reframed all of that for me.
15:09 Alex Cooper? Even like as simple as someone not being able to, you know, whether you're not doing a documentary, one, if you have photos or you have film or even journaling about your memories and your experiences, anything that can allow you to feel a little bit closer to
15:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
15:23 Alex Cooper? your memory of
15:24 Speaker 03 Yes.
15:24 Alex Cooper? and, and have that intact, because you don't want it to feel like this scary void that you can't remember this person. So then you just feel shut down. The more you're open to it, I feel like you almost come back to feeling whole and full.
15:36 Speaker 03 Completely.
15:38 Alex Cooper? Your dad, your mom, after she passes, you're raised by your dad, Mickey.
15:45 Speaker 03 And my stepmother.
15:46 Alex Cooper? Yes. Can you talk to me about your relationship with him growing up? Like, what was it like?
15:52 Speaker 03 Amazing. He was everything to me. He was my mentor, my inspiration. I revered him. I modeled myself after him. I, he made me feel safe and seen. And he was such a great parent because
16:17 Speaker 03 He was reasonable. And what I mean by that is, you know, I like do something wrong and then back in my day, we used to talk on the phone. Not, not the cellphone. But we used to like, that's what you would do. You talk to your boyfriend or you talk to your friends every night on the phone, rotary phone. And so I do something wrong and then he's like, no phone one month. And I would go, okay, Dad. Okay, you're out of control. That feels unadjusted for what I did. And I think you need to think about that because it's not fair. And he would go, okay, fine. Do you know what you did wrong? Yeah. Okay, you could use a phone. And it was stuff like that. And, and he also raised me when I did something wrong to go, you know what you did? You know what you did? And then not punish me.
17:02 Speaker 03 And then I had to sit with it. So he really nurtured my own sense of,
17:11 Speaker 03 my conscience, my sense of responsibility, my sense of wrong and right. And he was just so true blue, you know? He showed up to every one of my athletic events. You know, I was a swimmer in high school and did cross country. And when I was, you know, middle school volleyball and cheerleading and, you know, all, all the activities, whatever I did. And he was so supportive and it was like I was his life. Meanwhile, working his ass off and providing for our family and teaching me gymnastics. And the fact that he was, his mentality was that of a champion athlete. He, you know, was a speed skater. He played soccer.
17:52 Speaker 03 He came to America and wanted to be a weightlifter and a bodybuilder. And they said, um, how old are you? He said, I'm 26. They said, you're too old to do that. And he said, you're too old. And then he went on to become Mr. Universe. And so everything that he set out to do, he did. So he taught me if there's a will, there's a way. And if they, there's one avenue gets shut down or foiled, then what is plan B? So I modeled myself and I wanted to be like him and I just
18:29 Speaker 03 felt like I knew what love was because of his commitment to me. That's why I found like, that's why I could recognize it in my husband. Do you know what I mean?
18:38 Alex Cooper? Well, I was gonna say, because even someone listening to this, it's like, wow, what an incredible father you had. And then obviously, there's this big reveal in the documentary of like, you find out that he's not your biological father.
18:54 Alex Cooper? How did you find this out?
18:57 Speaker 03 Oh, my gosh, it was so rough. So I had been invited to this guy named Saban Gray's house, and he was head of the Jane Mansfield Fan Club. And he was this lovely guy and, you know, just obsessed with Jane and loved her so much and was a huge collector of, you know, memorabilia and movie posters and anything related to her. So he invited to his house once and I went over there. And then he walked me around and, you know, it was a little overwhelming for me because there were life-size cutouts and it was truly like a museum or shrine to her. And I, that was hard for me at that age to sort of understand. I was like,
19:42 Alex Cooper? And can just for anyone that doesn't know about your mom and like, what, like, can you explain what her background was when you're talking about this?
19:52 Speaker 03 Oh, so my mom was
19:53 Alex Cooper? Just in case.
19:54 Speaker 03 Oh, yes. No, please. So my mom was an actress and sort of a iconic sex symbol in the 50s, like Marilyn Monroe. So she was one of the most photographed women ever. And a big, you know, movie star and, you know, legendary, really. And so I went to his house and again, I'm seeing all this stuff, stuff that I had never seen and kind of grew up away from all of that and didn't have a very sort of Hollywood childhood. My dad was a builder, my stepmother was a flight attendant, so we traveled a lot and just had a really normal, I would say, life.
20:38 Speaker 03 And so I went to his house and then he's showing me around, he's showing me all these photos. He's showing me, you know, whatever it is, dresses that she had that he'd collected, you know, earrings that she wore, things from movies, from the movie set, you know, props or whatever. And then he says to me,
20:56 Speaker 03 "Do you want to see a picture of Nelson?"
21:00 Speaker 03 And I just looked at him.
21:03 Speaker 03 And this jolt went through my body.
21:07 Speaker 03 And I said, "Who's Nelson?"
21:11 Speaker 03 And then I knew in one second.
21:17 Alex Cooper? You did?
21:18 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
21:19 Alex Cooper? How?
21:20 Speaker 03 I don't know. I think my whole life, all the, just like millions of like
21:29 Speaker 03 milli-moments, I don't even know if that's a word, little fragments of a memory, of a moment, of a thing, things I caught that my sort of, that went into my subconscious moments.
21:42 Speaker 03 And then I said, "Who's Nelson?" And then he,
21:47 Speaker 03 you know, I saw the drain, blood out, drain out of his face. And he sort of panicked and turned white. And then he said,
21:56 Speaker 03 you know, he panicked. And he said,
22:00 Speaker 03 "Oh, it's probably not true. It's probably not true." And that's when I knew. And I think that he couldn't believe
22:10 Speaker 03 that I didn't know. I was 25. How could I not know? And I understand that.
22:20 Speaker 03 And then he said, "It's not true. I'm sure it's not true." And then he showed me his picture.
22:27 Alex Cooper? And you're like, "It's true."
22:28 Speaker 03 On a cellular level, it was just like DNA talking to DNA. I knew it was true. And I just really thought my life was over. I mean, I remember leaving and driving to my brother's house and I thought I was going to crash my car because I was so not present. I was totally like dissociated and out of my body. And I got to my brother's house. I didn't even know how I got there, but I knew that I shouldn't be driving.
22:55 Speaker 03 Yeah, it was not. It was crazy.
22:57 Alex Cooper? 25 years thinking you know your story and your narrative. And your mom also, you're trying to process like not having your mom and you're at this man's house and you're seeing like, oh my God, everyone was obsessed with my mom and loved my mom and I don't get to have her. And then it's like you're hitting the face again. It's like, oh, by the way,
23:18 Speaker 03 The one thing I did have, the one thing that I was rooted in, the one thing that was my constant
23:27 Speaker 03 was no longer mine. And my identity was, it was just, it was like it broke into, it's like I had thousand pellets of hard truth going, my brothers aren't my brothers, my Hungarians, I'm not related to, I'm not Hungarian, I'm not related to all my family that I grew up with in Hungary. What about this? What about this? I'm not related to my sister who's my dad's, my dad's first daughter. I'm not related to, oh my gosh, all the times when, you know, I spent so much time as a kid in Italy. And every time I was there, and you can see I'm a big gesticulator,
24:12 Speaker 03 and I talk with my hands. I can't, I get in trouble on SVU because they're like, Mariska said, on your hands. And I can't, I just can't. It's like a cellular genetic thing. But my whole childhood, everyone asked me if I was Italian. My entire childhood. And it was like that, being barraged by, it was just like, a million missiles of these mini micro moments going,
24:39 Alex Cooper? And you're not allowed to, not allowed, you can't talk to your mom. So when you obviously at some point go to Mickey, do you immediately go to him?
24:49 Speaker 03 I did. I drove from, I went to my brother's house first and asked him if he knew. And he said he didn't. And I'm very, very, very, very close with my brother. And he, he didn't. So then that was also confusing.
25:05 Speaker 03 And then I went up to my dad's house and I was, you know, hysterically crying and in a state and he was, and here's, here's, how about this metaphor? My dad was building me, physically building me a house. So I drive up to the house that he is building me and confront him and he was like, "What? What are you talking about? Are you crazy? That's so not true." He kept saying, "You look like my father. You look exactly like my father. You're a hargate." To the end. And, you know, the irony is that I'm more like my dad than anyone in our whole family. Like I am Mickey, Mini Mickey, right?
25:49 Speaker 03 And so it was just a very extraordinarily painful moment. And I, I always liken, I say, I say that this is the moment that I became an adult. And it, I, it's so visceral for me because I was in so much pain. I was so overwhelmed. And I was in, you know, me, me, me, me, I, oh my gosh, my life is over. And then looking at this man who's been nothing but loving to me and nothing but this amazing father to me, and I saw his pain. And I said, "It doesn't matter what I feel. I love him and I'm not, we're done here.
26:34 Speaker 03 We're done here." And so I said, "Okay. Thank you for telling me." And I pretended that I believed him.
26:45 Speaker 03 And we never spoke of it again.
26:51 Speaker 03 And then he used to say, even before he died, "Remember when you thought that crazy thing?" And I go, "I know. Wasn't that nuts?"
26:56 Alex Cooper? Stop.
26:57 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:58 Alex Cooper? Oh, and you just went with it because you're like...
27:00 Speaker 03 I went with it and then I felt like I became the parent in a way.
27:03 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
27:04 Speaker 03 And I was grateful to be that.
27:06 Alex Cooper? But there was no way that he genuinely thought.
27:09 Speaker 03 I don't know. I'll never know.
27:10 Alex Cooper? Right.
27:11 Speaker 03 I think that he... Integrated it in, this is my new reality. He made a choice and that was his new truth. And whether it's true or not emotionally, it was his truth. And I'll tell you something, I understand it because I have two adopted kids. And they are no different, no different than my biological son, no different. And so to me, I go, I get it. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter.
27:47 Alex Cooper? Right. Cause when he, even when that moment he's speaking to you, which is so beautiful. It's like, I've talked a lot about on the show that obviously there are so many people who don't have the privilege of family and, but you can then make your own family. Blood family is one thing. Family is family, the family that you choose. And so it's like, I think there's a lot of people that maybe would look at that. And it's actually so beautiful that he's like, no, you are mine. Like you've been my daughter. I love you so much.
28:13 Speaker 03 Talk about being claimed.
28:14 Alex Cooper? Right. Right. He's like.
28:16 Speaker 03 But the irony is Alex, I know that now, right? In hindsight.
28:21 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
28:22 Speaker 03 But when I found out at 25, that was where the injury was, is why wasn't I claimed? He must've known. He didn't care. He didn't care. He didn't love me. I wasn't worth it. I was nothing to him. He knew, he had to know that I was his daughter, Nelson I'm talking about. And I wasn't worth it. I wasn't valuable enough. And that's what I lived with, is that I wasn't enough. My mother left me. And when you're a kid, you know, listen, mother is everything we know. Mother is everything until, you know, at least you're three, right? It's your survival.
29:07 Speaker 03 And so having that feeling of my mother left me and then again, my father abandoned me.
29:19 Speaker 03 Was so hard to integrate or make sense out of. And the irony, this is the irony, is that I lived with these, I mean, they were my truths and they were real to me at the time, but I go back now and I go, I was claimed like nobody's business. And that's why I think I love so hard and can love so hard because I was so loved.
29:49 Alex Cooper? Time also just gives you such different perspective and you can, you can never fault yourself when you're younger for the reactions you have because you just, that's who you are in that moment and that's all you're capable of seeing.
30:00 Speaker 03 Trying to figure it out.
30:02 Alex Cooper? So all.
30:02 Speaker 03 And with limited information.
30:04 Alex Cooper? Exactly.
30:05 Speaker 03 And that's why it's hard because young people, and I, when I say young people, I'm talking about myself, I couldn't, I didn't have the whole picture. So you think, you know, when people say to you, feelings aren't facts. And I remember when people would say that to me and I'd go, but yes, they are because that's what happened. And I would argue it and I did not understand, I could not comprehend what that meant, that feelings aren't facts. I was like, this is my facts. These are my reality. And now, you know, this is what wisdom is. This is what age is. This is what perspective is. And I'm just, I'm so grateful for this life to grow into the miracle of my story and, and, and having this comprehensive understanding
30:48 Speaker 03 and getting the full perspective and now seeing that I had such a limited, like a teeny, teeny, teeny sliver of the truth.
31:14 Alex Cooper? Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. So the other day I was just scrolling on my phone and one of those one year ago today notifications popped up. I usually don't pay much attention. To them, but when I saw it was from my Napa trip with Lauren. I obviously had to go back through every single photo. I remember we drove up to Napa for a weekend and found the cutest farmhouse on Airbnb to stay in. The location could not have been more perfect. It was right by a vineyard and overlooked this beautiful golf course, which yes, Matt was very jealous of. During the day, we went wine tasting like a little cute couple.
31:59 Alex Cooper? Then we brought our favorite bottles back to the house at night for cozy, long girl talks on the couch. Obviously, I haven't had a drink in forever since being pregnant. So I cannot wait for wine nights again soon with my girlfriends. And now that holiday travel season is finally here. All of my group chats are going off with everyone trying to coordinate dates and just figure out where we're going to stay and where we're going to go next. But looking back through those photos reminded me that some of the best parts of a trip happen back at the house. Right? Like, that's why I love booking a home on Airbnb. It literally gives everyone space to just spread out and it makes every trip feel more relaxed.
32:43 Alex Cooper? You can even order groceries, which I love for your trip through Airbnb and have everything from breakfast, essentials to holiday snacks delivered after you arrive. If you're planning your Thanksgiving trip or any holiday travel this season, definitely check out Airbnb before you book. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches. Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life.
33:22 Alex Cooper? Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. If your money Is scattered across five different apps you never open. You're not in control. Your money should move you forward. With SoFi, you get award-winning banking, investing, borrowing, and more all-in-one app. So you finally know where your money is. Make your first move with SoFi Checking and Savings. Competitive APY, no account fees, a bonus when you join with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. SoFi Bank, NA Member FDIC.
34:03 Alex Cooper? When you're ready to invest or pay off that debt, everything you need is right there. As a SoFi member, you get access to SoFi Wealth's world-class financial planners to help you know what to do next. Get started today at sofi.com/callherdaddy. SoFi, get your money right. This is a paid advertisement by SoFi Technologies and is not intended to be financial advice. Can we talk about your career? Did you always want to be an actress?
34:30 Speaker 03 So, no. When I was young, as I said, we traveled a lot. I spent a lot of time in Italy, a lot of time in Hungary, you know, a lot of time in Colorado and Dallas, Texas to visit my grandmother. I spent a lot of time, my parents, you know, would take us around the world. And we, I was very privileged in terms of traveling and I loved it and I still love it. And so I loved connecting with different cultures and languages and took French in high school. And I was like, I think I want to be either a translator or like a French diplomat, but something where I could bring people together.
35:11 Speaker 03 And my favorite teacher, who was a nun, named Sister Margaret, pulled me aside and said, "Merschka," because I used to get in trouble for talking all the time. I'm sure you, I'm sure you know that one.
35:24 Alex Cooper? All the time.
35:25 Speaker 03 And she said, "I think that you should try out for a play." And I was like, "What?" She said, "You're an extrovert and I wonder if you would like to try acting." I went, and I never had thought about it. As a matter of fact, I was like, "No, I don't want to do that. It's not..."
35:46 Speaker 03 And then I tried out for the play and it was a comedy and I had the best time. And it was a crazy French farce. So I got to be nuts, which was very comfortable for me. And I always thought that my career would be in comedy, by the way. I mean, I started in comedy.
36:06 Alex Cooper? You're funny.
36:06 Speaker 03 I know. No one knows that, except you.
36:10 Alex Cooper? You walked in here and like understandably, I didn't know what to expect because it's like dun dun and I'm ready.
36:15 Speaker 03 No, I'm not like Olivia Benson.
36:17 Alex Cooper? You're like, girl. I'm like, oh shit. I love you. It's different.
36:22 Speaker 03 It's so funny. I know. I got cast. You know what's funny? I always get cast as cops. I'm like, what is the deal? I'm a comedian. But anyway, um, not a comedian, not a, not a real comedian. I'll take that back. I have serious respect for real comedians. Believe me.
36:36 Alex Cooper? But in another life, you're a comedian.
36:37 Speaker 03 In another life. But anyway, the point is, um, so then I had so much fun. And then my senior year, I tried out for, uh, the lead in the, in the play, which was a drama. And I got it and fell in love. And I was like, this is the end of it. And then I applied to USC and UCLA and I decided to be a theater major and that was the end of it.
37:01 Alex Cooper? How long into you going for auditions, did you get SBU?
37:06 Speaker 03 My twenties was really hard. And then I did a couple of guest star things, but then it dried up for me.
37:13 Speaker 03 And I just went to acting class. And then it was when I turned 30
37:21 Speaker 03 that I started working in a consistent way.
37:24 Alex Cooper? I mean, even that
37:25 Speaker 03 Yeah.
37:26 Alex Cooper? is such just like a nice thing to hear because I feel like obviously people are going to watch this and be like, oh, you have the best fucking life. Like,
37:32 Speaker 03 No, no, no.
37:33 Alex Cooper? You're so successful.
37:34 Speaker 03 Let me tell you something. My twenties were not cute. Not only were they not cute work wise, but I found out this when I was 20, which by the way, I think that also really took me apart. So I didn't work, you know, I worked in my early twenties and then I don't remember working so much 25 to 30. Like it was a dark time for me. And I really wasn't confident. I had an identity crisis, which I'm, you know, I like telling people that I'm not, it's true. It's what happened. We all have our demons. We all have our skeletons. Life is hard. It's hard navigating it. It's hard
38:14 Speaker 03 figuring it out. There's so much to figure out. And so then at 30 is when I started working in a more consistent way. And then it was at 34, I'll tell you a fun story. This is a great story. You'll appreciate it.
38:31 Alex Cooper? Okay.
38:32 Speaker 03 So I used to go to New York twice a year and just see theater. So I went on one of my trips. It was, I was 30, I think it was in like January, I was 34 and I come to New York and a friend of mine said, oh my gosh, Marsha, you have to go to the psychic. You have to go to the psychic on Long Island. I didn't even know where Long Island was. I mean, I was, you know, I don't, I don't know.
38:56 Alex Cooper? Of course you're going to Long Island.
38:56 Speaker 03 I'm like, I go to Long Island. So I drive out to this guy's house on Long Island and he gives me a psychic reading and I'm because my mom was famous. I always was like, mm, you are just probably going to Google me and, you know, Jay Mansfield's daughter and then come up with some bullshit.
39:13 Alex Cooper? Of course.
39:13 Speaker 03 So I sit down with this guy and we're talking, we're talking, we're talking. He says some things and then he says to me, and I was listening to him and I'm like this.
39:24 Speaker 03 And he goes, I swear to God, he says, you see that face? I have this on a recording. You see that face right now? I said, yeah. He goes, you're going to be famous for that face. That face, that serious face. And I said, uh, no, I am, uh,
39:43 Alex Cooper? Funny.
39:43 Speaker 03 Funny and a pretty deadly combination. I'm going to be a comedian, I say. And he says, this is my favorite thing I think anyone's ever said to me. He goes like this. I don't give a rat's ass what you think. You're gonna be famous for that face. And then he says to me, and you're moving to New York. And I said, uh, no, I have this gorgeous house my father built. I was living in a house with like 32 roommates because I had this house and it had five rooms. Obviously couldn't afford it, so I rented out rooms. So I'm like actually living out an episode of Friends. Not an episode, but the whole season because I had so many roommates. And I was like, I live in LA.
40:28 Speaker 03 I, this is my town. I have my roommates. I have my house. What am I gonna do with my house? Swear to God, six months later, I got SVU. I swear this is true on my children. This happened. He said, I don't give a rat's ass. First of all, how great is rat's ass? No, it's in everything. There's no better expression.
40:52 Alex Cooper? I'm taking it all in because I'm also just like this fucking psychic in Long Island. I'm like, holy shit.
40:58 Speaker 03 He also said that there was gonna be an issue with a cocktail ring. And then there was. I'm not gonna get into that story.
41:05 Alex Cooper? Okay, wait.
41:06 Speaker 03 But I just want you to know that this happened. This is good stuff. I need to write a book and put it in.
41:11 Alex Cooper? You heard it here, people. Okay, wait. You get the script finally for SVU. What is your first impression of your character?
41:20 Speaker 03 So I read it and I said, and I never had this experience. I've never loved anything more. This is my show. This is the most progressive show I've ever seen. I love it. I need it. I have to do the show. And then I had the audition and then I got a callback. And on the second callback, Dick Wolf was there. And I see another girl in the waiting room.
41:55 Speaker 03 And I'm like, oh no, this is not happening. So I walked in there and I said, listen to me. I didn't know that Dick Wolf was like the king of television. And I go, I don't know who that is out there, but let me tell you something. This is my part. And he's like, oh, is it? And I said, yeah. So you tell her to go home. So I do, I do my audition and then he gives me notes. He gave me notes. And then I go, those are good notes. Thank you. And he's like, oh, are they, are they good notes? It was so funny. I, I had like lost myself. I didn't even know what overtook me, but I was so clear about it. And then it turns out that the beautiful, talented actress that was
42:38 Speaker 03 in the waiting room was there for another part.
42:42 Alex Cooper? Oh my God.
42:43 Speaker 03 And she was in the pilot and she's a fantastic actress.
42:47 Alex Cooper? Fuck this bitch. Get her out of here.
42:48 Speaker 03 I was like, get her out of here. And then of course, you know, we're friends now for life. But she was so magnificent and she was in it. And so they all told me this after, and then the next audition was for the network. And
43:02 Alex Cooper? That is amazing.
43:03 Speaker 03 That's when I met Chris Maloney and that was the rest of the history.
43:07 Alex Cooper? The rest of the history. What do you think is the biggest similarity between you and Olivia?
43:13 Speaker 03 Compassion, empathy, and feel the fear and do it anyway.
43:19 Alex Cooper? What do you think is the biggest difference?
43:21 Speaker 03 You're funny.
43:22 Alex Cooper? Comedy.
43:24 Speaker 03 You're fucking funny. She's not as funny as I am and she doesn't have this much joy and balance. But she's awesome. So we give her a pass on all her flaws.
43:38 Alex Cooper? Not only do we give her a pass.
43:40 Speaker 03 We love her.
43:41 Alex Cooper? Taylor Swift named her cat after Olivia Benson. Can we just?
43:46 Speaker 03 Can we just for a second? But I, I will say, as epic as that is, I did name my cat Karma.
43:57 Speaker 03 Okay. So, so payback's a bitch, isn't it? So I leveled the playing field there. And my cat's name is Karma, because Karma is a cat. And she and Karma vibe like that.
44:13 Alex Cooper? Hold on.
44:15 Speaker 03 That happened.
44:16 Alex Cooper? Did you name your cat Karma before or after the song came out?
44:21 Speaker 03 Right after. It was the only thing. It seemed fair.
44:24 Alex Cooper? So you went and got a cat?
44:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, and I named it Karma.
44:28 Alex Cooper? Did you go get a cat just to name a cat Karma, or did you want a cat?
44:31 Speaker 03 Oh, actually, there's two things. That's a great question. I didn't want a cat. I wasn't planning on getting a cat, and I was walking to Starbucks with my daughter and, well, all my kids. And, uh, there was a pet store there. So embarrassed about this. Cause I don't like buying animals from pet stores. And I really don't, because my dog is a rescue and I'm all about a rescue.
44:56 Alex Cooper? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
44:56 Speaker 03 However, and parents understand this, there are moments as a parent when your kids lose their shit. They lost their shit. And then my husband, who is the kind of guy that will go, we're not buying a cat. We're not, guys, no, we're not buying a cat. And I said, Peter, just get in here for one second. And we're in the little room, like, you know, they have little sections in the, in the pet store. And, and then Peter gets in with the cat. And Peter's like, this is, he picks the cat.
45:27 Alex Cooper? No.
45:28 Speaker 03 And then the kids are like, we want this one. And Peter goes, no, we're getting this one. And it was so hilarious. And then Peter picked the cat. So I guess Peter and Karma vibed like that. I don't know what I'm saying. So we went home with the cat, the kitty, the cutest little kitty, who now we call it Kitties.
45:46 Alex Cooper? That's your cat voice?
45:47 Speaker 03 Kitties, kittens!
45:49 Alex Cooper? I can't believe-
45:50 Speaker 03 And you know what? The sad part is, the cat ignores me. The cat is so bitchy. If I didn't have my dog, I'd be the most insecure person on the planet. Cause I come home and our dog, right? She goes crazy. She jumps on Peter. She's like, like, she can't come down for half hour. She loves us so much she can't see straight. Like, I have to send her to the shrink when we're gone because she's so upset if the whole five of us are not together. And I come home, my cat's like, what?
46:15 Alex Cooper? Karma's like, I don't give-
46:16 Speaker 03 She walks by me and goes, whatever. How was your trip? Okay.
46:20 Alex Cooper? That's so-
46:21 Speaker 03 She's so bitchy. But I love her. And the whole hard to get thing, I play it right back.
46:26 Alex Cooper? You love it?
46:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, I love it.
46:27 Alex Cooper? Okay, you don't strike me, well, maybe, as a music video girly.
46:33 Speaker 03 I'm so music video?
46:35 Alex Cooper? You are so-
46:35 Speaker 03 Let me tell you something. I did a music video before Tay Tay.
46:40 Alex Cooper? What did you do?
46:41 Speaker 03 Sweetheart, I did Ronnie Millsap, she loves my car.
46:45 Alex Cooper? What?
46:46 Speaker 03 Because I was on a car in a bathing suit, throwing a beach ball.
46:51 Alex Cooper? What?
46:51 Speaker 03 Oh, yes, guys.
46:53 Alex Cooper? Someone pull this up.
46:54 Speaker 03 This video is going to make a huge comeback.
46:57 Alex Cooper? Ronnie Carmack?
46:59 Speaker 03 Nope.
46:59 Alex Cooper? Did you say?
47:00 Speaker 03 No.
47:00 Alex Cooper? Sorry.
47:01 Speaker 03 I forget. See, this is when you're 12 and you're showing your age.
47:04 Alex Cooper? Wait.
47:04 Speaker 03 Ronnie Millsap.
47:06 Alex Cooper? Ratty Ronnie Millsap?
47:08 Speaker 03 Say it ratty? Ronnie Ronnie Ronnie. You just made my voice crack. Ronnie Millsap. She loves my car.
47:16 Alex Cooper? She loves my car.
47:17 Speaker 03 I'm in it with X, X gene. There's a lot of cool stuff.
47:21 Alex Cooper? We don't need the audio, we just need the video.
47:23 Speaker 03 No, no, you're gonna lose, that's, hold please.
47:25 Alex Cooper? Where are you?
47:27 Speaker 03 Just hold please.
47:27 Alex Cooper? Guys, we're watching the music video, one sec.
47:29 Speaker 03 Hold please. Oh!
47:32 Alex Cooper? Is that you?
47:33 Speaker 03 Yes! Well, I'm gonna tell you a funny story about this. This is the night I got arrested.
47:38 Alex Cooper? Okay, pause. Excuse me? Olivia Benson? What?
47:42 Speaker 03 I was arrested and thrown in the slammer.
47:44 Alex Cooper? Why?
47:44 Speaker 03 I was thrown in the clink.
47:46 Alex Cooper? Why?
47:47 Speaker 03 Is it called the clink? Yeah. Okay, here's what happened. This is an excellent story.
47:50 Alex Cooper? Okay.
47:51 Speaker 03 So in that video, we were shooting and I think it was a two day shoot. But on the last day, we were losing the light. As you can see, it was shot in the day. And we were shooting in, um, in Santa Monica. So at, as we were losing the light, I had to go back into two outfits. One was like a pink, uh, situation. The other was blue and I had pink and blue lipstick on. So we were losing the light and we didn't have time to switch the makeup palette. So she started adding, uh, a lot of makeup on me, a lot. And at that night, my parents were leaving for Africa.
48:31 Speaker 03 So as the sun set at, I don't know, eight o'clock, I jumped in my car, full face of makeup, hair out to here, no shoes, like in fishnets and a questionable outfit, let's just say. I've always been known to have a bit of a lead foot. Um, and stop signs, well, you know, I always saw them as optional. Um, I've changed, I've changed my ways since then, but I would, I wouldn't not stop. It was just about like rolling through the red light. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. And don't, don't do this at home. But, um, so I was trying to race home to see my parents. All of a sudden.
49:11 Alex Cooper? Wee, wee, wee, wee.
49:13 Speaker 03 No. Pull me over and they're like, ma'am, you just ran stop sign. I was like, I, I wasn't, but like, I, I just, I'm going home to see my parents. I, please, please, da, da, da, da. Can I have your driver's license? They pull up my driver's license and he says, ma'am, please get out of the car. I go, what? For a stop sign? What? He says, ma'am, please get out of the car.
49:39 Speaker 03 I had
49:41 Speaker 03 three.
49:43 Speaker 03 I can't say this. People won't look at me the same way.
49:45 Alex Cooper? Say it.
49:46 Speaker 03 I had $3,000 in outstanding in parking tickets.
49:54 Speaker 03 Because at UCLA, I didn't, I was late to class and I didn't always use my parking pass because the garage where my classes were was so far away. I was like, I'll just be fine here. I'll just really quick, I just really quick, go to class and come back out. And I would get tickets every day and I was in like a fantasy denial world. And so I had $3,000. And when this guy told me to get out of the car, and of course I don't have shoes on and he's like thinking, making a lot of judgments about me.
50:25 Speaker 03 And he puts me in his car, locks me in the back and throws me in the clink.
50:31 Speaker 03 He throws me in the clink. I can't call my parents after I've just said, hey, guys, I'm coming home. I want to see you before you go to Africa. And so I was like, hey, um, the video, the shoot has gone over. I don't know that we can. So I called also, I never, I'm a girl that never, not anymore, but during my twenties, I never have cash. I never had cash on me, never. That night I had $160 in twenties and I think bail was like 180. I was 120 short of making bail.
51:05 Alex Cooper? Oh.
51:05 Speaker 03 They throwed me in, they threw me in the slammer.
51:09 Alex Cooper? The clink.
51:09 Speaker 03 The clink, which is so good. It's so good. They threw me in the clink and I'm standing there and everyone's like, what are you in for? And I asked everybody what they were in for.
51:18 Alex Cooper? Are you not supposed to do that?
51:19 Speaker 03 I don't know, but I made friends with everyone. And then they all gave me phone numbers when I got out because at the time a friend came and picked me up. And I got everyone's phone number and they said, will you call this person? Will you call this person? So I had four phone numbers when I left and I was calling going, hey, just want to let you know. Um, your friend is in the Santa Monica jailhouse. And it was so funny. People were like, what are you in for? And I was like, I got a speeding ticket. But the point is, um, it was.
51:47 Alex Cooper? You got arrested after your first music video.
51:50 Speaker 03 Yep. Thank God that didn't happen after Bad Blood.
51:56 Speaker 03 Can you imagine after Bad Blood? If they threw me in the clink again and I said, sweetheart, I've been here before. You can't scare me.
52:01 Alex Cooper? That is.
52:03 Speaker 03 I just realized that. That is so funny. So.
52:07 Alex Cooper? Okay. So you are a music video girl.
52:09 Speaker 03 Yeah.
52:09 Alex Cooper? Would you ever do another one again?
52:11 Speaker 03 If Tay Tay asked me. I'm hoping I'm standing by for Taylor. I only do Taylor Swift videos now. I hit the big time. I've hit the big time.
52:20 Alex Cooper? The fact that you can say that is such a flex. Like, oh, I only do Taylor Swift.
52:24 Speaker 03 I only do Taylor Swift videos.
52:25 Alex Cooper? Okay. You need to give me a little behind the scenes of the music video with her. Like, give us anything. You know, the world is all Swifties.
52:32 Speaker 03 It was so fun.
52:35 Alex Cooper? It's the best music video.
52:36 Speaker 03 It's the best music video. And I'd already, wait, I think I'd already gone to the music. The music, uh, the video awards. Like, I can't even think of what it's called. What's it called? The music awards?
52:48 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
52:48 Speaker 03 When I got to go with the squad. No, it was after, right? After we made the video.
52:51 Alex Cooper? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
52:52 Speaker 03 That was the most fun. Being in the squad with all the cool girls and supermodels and all of it. It was like the most fun ever. Um, it was just so great. And she was just warm and smart and kind and such a boss lady. And and it, it was so amazing because what, what year was that? And I learned so, I learned so much from her. That's what I love about her is she's so young, but she shows us so, in such beautiful ways, how to be fearless and a boss lady.
53:24 Alex Cooper? I literally was trying to fall asleep last night and I turned on the era's tour to like put me to bed and then I watched the entire thing and I was up till 3am.
53:30 Speaker 03 That's right. My daughter watches the same thing. We have it on repeat. It's the best.
53:50 Alex Cooper? Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. If your money is scattered across five different apps you never open, you're not in control. Your money should move you forward.
54:35 Alex Cooper? With SoFi, you get award-winning banking, investing, borrowing, and more all-in-one app, so you finally know where your money is. Make your first move with SoFi Checking and Savings. Competitive APY, no account fees, a bonus when you join with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. SoFi Bank, NA Member FDIC. When you're ready to invest or pay off that debt, everything you need is right there. As a SoFi member, you get access to SoFi Wealth's world-class financial planners to help you know what to do next. Get started today at sofi.com/callherdaddy. SoFi, get your money right. This is a paid advertisement by SoFi Technologies and is not intended to be financial advice. Can we talk about your time on SVU?
55:18 Alex Cooper? Obviously, I know that you've talked a lot about how people will come up to you and feel comfortable to share. Yeah, disclose their stories and sometimes they're telling it for the first time to you. Like, how does it feel to know people trust you like that?
55:36 Speaker 03 It's such a privilege. It's such an honor.
55:39 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
55:40 Speaker 03 It's insane, you know? I live a very...
55:45 Speaker 03 Unique existence that way with such a deep connection, like soul connection to my, you know, people, survivors and fans. And it's so different than I think
56:08 Speaker 03 maybe other artists have because
56:14 Speaker 03 they share with me the deepest, most sacred, most tender, intimate parts of themselves with me. And there's such a beautiful, you know, understanding or a feeling of safety. And that's been,
56:29 Speaker 03 it's hard really to put into words to have such a connection with a person that almost requires no words because it's an understanding. And I am so grateful. And I think it's part of the reason of SVU. I, obviously, it's been a marathon and I, and I love it. And I'm so not done with it. But there are times and there have been years where I am, you know, I've been running a marathon and I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted, but
57:04 Speaker 03 there's so much, there's so much healing and so much beauty. And we know that bearing witness to someone's story is healing. And I'm just profoundly grateful that I get to be whatever part of somebody's healing journey. So it's magnificent.
57:28 Alex Cooper? It is. Last year, then, you shared in an op ed that you are also a survivor and you were assaulted in your 30s. What made you want to speak about it publicly?
57:41 Speaker 03 It was very interesting. I was doing the People Magazine cover and it was a feature on, you know, milestones, right? It was, I turned 60. Joyful Heart was 20 years old. I was married for 20 years. You know, 20 year anniversary and my oldest son going to college. And there was just milestone after milestone after milestone. And What's so beautiful about that is this, the woman, the journalist came over and I wasn't planning on talking about that and I had so much to talk about and it just came up
58:23 Speaker 03 organically. And so the way I see that is it was about me being present and I was ready. I was just ready and that felt also like a gift, that it just came up and there was no shame, there was no stigma, there was no fear. I was unencumbered because of the work that I had done on it and I had some work to do.
58:57 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
58:58 Speaker 03 To process it. And again, I was so happy to. I was so happy to because it just came up and that's where it was and that was real and I was ready to talk about it.
59:13 Alex Cooper? Because I was thinking like, I noticed, obviously, there's like a parallel in this character that you've been playing is investigating these types of crimes, right?
59:24 Speaker 03 That's right.
59:25 Alex Cooper? But then behind the scenes, you're processing trauma. Like, what was that like for you? Being on SVU and, and having these heavy hitting topics every single week, did it ever impact you emotionally?
59:42 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah.
59:42 Alex Cooper? With what you've gone through?
59:44 Speaker 03 So much. And I think that's the, um, deep, uh, compassion and empathy and understanding and connection of really understanding it on, you know, um, a visceral level. And that's why I wanted to talk about it because so many people blame themselves, myself included, and I couldn't process.
1:00:13 Speaker 03 That I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't. I have gotten out of so many things through my intellect, through comedy, through just outsmarting, through, you know, physically. And I couldn't get out of this. And I couldn't metabolize it. I couldn't understand that I couldn't. And that just lived in me. And so I blamed myself. And then it got to the point where I went, it just became so clear what happened. And I was ready to... I was also in denial
1:00:55 Speaker 03 about it. And I remember I told my husband, and he said, he looked at me like, "Ishka, you said that you were never sexually assaulted." You were. He said that. And I remember going like... And that's why I understand about denial and dissociating. And I have so much room for that in people because now I look at it and I say, I'm grateful for that part of myself that kept me safe, for that part
1:01:34 Speaker 03 of myself that said, "You're not ready to deal with it." So there's no blame. There's only integration. And, you know, we have to scaffold ourselves. We have to support ourselves. We have to be ready. We have to build an infrastructure within ourselves and external support that we know that will be heard and that will be understood and the timing is right. And so I was very excited to share that because I know that, you know, as Olivia Benson, I know that people like project on me and think, "Oh, she's so this, she's so that,
1:02:19 Speaker 03 it could never happen to her." Well, guess what? It did. And there was nothing I could do about it.
1:02:26 Speaker 03 And even if I could, fight or flight is real and people freeze. And that is the neurobiology of trauma. That is what happens. We freeze. And so, understanding that and studying that, and I think that in all my, you know, research and all the studying that I've done and, you know, really learning about trauma and understanding, you know, the body keeps the score and how we hold trauma in our body on a cellular level. And, you know, fracturing and memory fracturing and all the things that happened to us.
1:03:09 Speaker 03 I had to fully understand that to be able to talk about it. Because I couldn't understand and so many people couldn't understand. And my favorite thing was after I shared that story, so many women came forward and said, "That happened to me." And they couldn't believe that. They couldn't. They didn't understand what happened to them physically.
1:03:38 Alex Cooper? It is like incredible, the way you talk about it and that you're doing this publicly, though, not that it is like for you to have to do, but it, I, it does help hearing someone really put it in perspective because there are so many people that are like, "Well, why did it take so long?" And I've had it. I know it's gonna happen. Like, "Well, why didn't you come out with this? Why does it take a decade later?" And it's like, normalizing that there is no timeline of when it is correct for someone to speak up about what happened to them that was traumatic. Trauma is not linear. It, you could come out with it the day of, you could come out with it, never. Or it could be 50 years.
1:04:19 Alex Cooper? We don't know, but I think that question is such a question of privilege. You're like, "Well, why didn't you?" Well, then you probably haven't experienced something like that because then you wouldn't be asking that question or you're projecting.
1:04:30 Speaker 03 Or, but also, Alex, or, they're also in denial.
1:04:35 Speaker 03 Yeah. And they're also not ready to deal with it because I've had so many people that I've heard them talk about that. And certainly, you know, I mean, in my movie, I Am Evidence, you know, about the backlog of the untested rape kits, you know, I, we have an expert talk about the neurobiology of trauma and, and listen, when law enforcement said she was gang raped, well, she just lied there and she must have wanted it. They don't understand. So part of it is truly a lack of education and understanding. And also, for example, one out of, you know, three women is sexually assaulted in their life and one out of six men.
1:05:16 Speaker 03 It has been my experience that the men who have disclosed to me that were assaulted many times in their teens, all the men that have disclosed to me, and there's been a few, were all in their 50s. And that's just not an accident. It took them that long to process it. So I think that the people that are judging either are a little disconnected, or they don't, are not educated in trauma.
1:05:57 Alex Cooper? Something that you wrote in your op ed that I thought was really beautiful is you really talk about how your mission is to take the shame off of survivors and put it on who it belongs to, which is the abusers. What do you think, though, is the first step to doing that?
1:06:16 Speaker 03 Women say, "I was raped." Where's the perpetrator in that? There's no perpetrator. So there's a weird ownership, right? I think the blame, it has to be named. He raped me. Name it. One of the greatest, um...
1:06:49 Speaker 03 Pieces of advice that I've ever received. And I'll tell you two. Well, there's three. One is slowing down everything. The second is noticing things. Just notice it. Don't need to change it, but notice it. And the third is naming things, right? We push through our emotions to not feel because it's too painful. So for me, um, being able to slow down, notice a feeling and honor it.
1:07:32 Speaker 03 Not have to do anything. You take the pressure off. Just sitting with yourself and noticing that you go, and it's like, right? And then you name it. And once you name it, things get put in the right piles. So for me, this person raped me. I was not raped. He raped me. There was nothing I could do about it. And I have clarity about what happened.
1:08:15 Speaker 03 And I don't blame myself at all. I'm, I survived it. My unconscious and myself and my whole being did what I had to do to survive. And if that was going into denial about it, then so be it. I'm grateful for the part of me that said, we're not ready to deal with this. And you'll be ready when you're ready. Now, what did I do? I started a foundation for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. So I did something about it. And I did something great about it. And I talked about it.
1:08:57 Speaker 03 And I dealt with mine when I was ready. And I'm grateful for that. And I have patience for that. And I have empathy for the part of myself that wasn't ready to deal with it. So that's what I feel like. I don't have judgment. I look at, I say, when you're ready, when people can't deal with it, when they judge, when they blame, when they go, mm, mm, mm, you go, okay, I understand. That's about them. And you don't take that on. What you're doing is brave. It's powerful. You understand the power of healing. You know, I talked to so many people since I, you invited me to come be on this show.
1:09:41 Speaker 03 And people have a very emotional connection with you. And that's what I found so moving, right? Because you're so funny and you talked about, you know, fun stuff and comedy and frivolous things and silly things. And you go in.
1:09:59 Alex Cooper? Yeah.
1:09:59 Speaker 03 And you do it all. I had somebody say to me last week, I said, what do you like about it? I wanted to understand. And they said, I grew up in a house where nobody talked about sex. I grew up in a house where it was so, I didn't know anything. I learned, she's like my sister. And that made me, I was like, oh, my God, I love her. But you know what I mean? But what you do, I mean, we're not, we're similar, I think, in a way. I really do. And I, I have, I feel a weird connection to you.
1:10:31 Alex Cooper? I do too.
1:10:31 Speaker 03 Because you give people permission. You talk about things where people don't. What do I tell people in, in this field? Talk about it. Talk about it. Go to your dinner table and say, I want to talk about it. Talk to your sons, talk to boys, talk to your friends. People didn't talk about it. And now they do. And guess what? Everyone goes, me too.
1:10:53 Alex Cooper? Immediately.
1:10:53 Speaker 03 Immediately.
1:10:54 Alex Cooper? It's like conversation is such power. And it makes me happy to hear that because.
1:10:59 Speaker 03 It's power.
1:11:00 Alex Cooper? It is. And it's like, people are just looking to feel connected because we're so isolated.
1:11:05 Speaker 03 People are looking for community. You give that. I give that. We give that. Connection is everything. It makes us feel less isolated, less ashamed, less alone. Those were the things when people wrote to me, those were the things in the letters that I got when people started disclosing their stories of abuse. I'm ashamed.
1:11:26 Speaker 03 Alone. I'm alone. They're so isolated. They didn't know to tell people. And as soon as you tell people, everyone says, I have a story. I have this. I have that. That's how we change the culture.
1:11:39 Alex Cooper? Such a
1:11:39 Speaker 03 That is what's so exciting. And I'm so happy. Um, I'm so, I don't know. It's not appropriate, but I'm so proud of you for what you did. I'm so proud of you for what you built and what you made and your fearlessness and your badassery.
1:11:53 Alex Cooper? I feel the same exact way with you. I think like when you meet women who are trying to do their best, it's like, we're not, we're just sharing our experiences. And yes, it's uncomfortable, but I've always said, if me being vulnerable online can help anyone at home, sitting in their room be like, oh, my God, Alex, me too. Then I did my job today.
1:12:15 Speaker 03 You did your job today. And that's why I said, people are like, oh, are you, do you feel vulnerable? And I go, yeah, I feel really vulnerable. But guess what? When people are vulnerable to me, you know what it makes me want to do? Hug them?
1:12:26 Alex Cooper? Yes.
1:12:26 Speaker 03 Hug them?
1:12:27 Alex Cooper? And get, and get vulnerable again.
1:12:28 Speaker 03 And get vulnerable again and tell them everything. And then you have a connection with somebody that you may have out of fear or insecurity, you may have projected on them. And then you don't even see them.
1:12:38 Alex Cooper? Truly.
1:12:39 Speaker 03 And they could be awesome and your bestie.
1:12:41 Alex Cooper? Right.
1:12:41 Speaker 03 And then you have a connection forever.
1:12:43 Alex Cooper? Forever.
1:12:44 Speaker 03 Because if somebody goes, I don't know, like, then you go, you know what? Do you know her story? She's been through a lot.
1:12:49 Alex Cooper? Right.
1:12:50 Speaker 03 And then you get curious. You get curious about somebody and it, even I say that to my daughter. It's one of my favorite things. You know, she's in middle school and it's tough to navigate. And she's like, this person was mean, or this person was rude. And she didn't talk to me. And I always go, why, why, why do you think? Do you think she was having a bad day? Do you think she felt, do you think she felt insecure or jealous? Do you think she saw you with somebody else and did this, this? Because we're all so tender and like tender. And we just want to feel cozy and connected.
1:13:18 Alex Cooper? I know when people are acting out, a lot of times you're like, oh, my God, don't even get mad. Be like, what is this person going through?
1:13:25 Speaker 03 What's wrong?
1:13:26 Alex Cooper? What's wrong?
1:13:27 Speaker 03 What Robin Williams said, we're all carrying, um, what's that beautiful quote? Everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. Be kind always.
1:13:36 Alex Cooper? Boom. I know we only have so much time, so I have to ask.
1:13:39 Speaker 03 I have a heart out at five o'clock.
1:13:41 Alex Cooper? No, you, five o'clock?
1:13:43 Speaker 03 No, I am jumping on a plane in like 15 minutes.
1:13:45 Alex Cooper? So let me ask some of like the questions I need to ask.
1:13:48 Speaker 03 Okay, go, go, go.
1:13:48 Alex Cooper? Because the FBA.
1:13:49 Speaker 03 Do your thing. I'm ready. I'm here for it.
1:13:50 Alex Cooper? First of all, I could talk about this with you. We could go on a fucking retreat together and sit and talk and write nine books together, but I only have so much time with you, so I need to ask these questions too. Okay, um, SVU fans are obsessed with you and Chris Maloney's on-screen dynamic, obviously. Talk to me about your friendship in real life.
1:14:10 Speaker 03 We are just connected. We are so close. It's like we've been through the battle together. We know each other so well. We love each other so much. We respect each other so much. We connected, obviously, by living these stories and living and going so deep together for so many years, acting, and he and I really bond over comedy. We have a very similar sense of humor and we just have, you know what it is? It's shared perspective. It's shorthand. We are so comfortable with each other.
1:14:53 Speaker 03 We deeply trust each other. We know, like, whatever he needs, I will always be there for him, and that's mutual. And we have grown together. We've known each other 27 years.
1:15:07 Alex Cooper? When he left the show, I felt like, obviously, the entire world was just devastated. Like, how did you handle that? Did you know? Had you guys talked about it? Like, what was, and how did, like, it affect the cast and everything?
1:15:21 Speaker 03 I was devastated. I was devastated. Um, no, it, um, it happened very quickly, and it was surprising. It was over a negotiation, and I tried everything I could to fix it and change it. And, you know, again, it's one of these things in life where you, I have these, I'm sorry, I don't mean to have ADD, but I have these chandeliers.
1:15:49 Alex Cooper? You're lying.
1:15:49 Speaker 03 I swear to God. Sophie?
1:15:52 Alex Cooper? No, we have this-
1:15:53 Speaker 03 Pull up my, um, the scotch, the chandeliers in my dressing room.
1:15:58 Alex Cooper? You're lying. We have the same taste.
1:16:00 Speaker 03 We separated at birth?
1:16:02 Alex Cooper? Yes!
1:16:02 Speaker 03 We look so much alike. When I saw you, I was like, this is like a mirror. No, no, no, I'm gonna show you my, I'm sending you photos of my dressing room. This is, she has the scotch version of my chandeliers. Sorry, ADD moment. Come back. What would you ask me?
1:16:15 Alex Cooper? Oh, contract, he left, you were sad.
1:16:17 Speaker 03 He left, I was devastated. And, and, and-
1:16:24 Speaker 03 It was awesome. He was ready to go. He did, he went on and did all these other great shows, great work. I got to meet some of my favorite humans. Um, all the people that, all the actors that have come on SVU. It's a, I will say this, it's a magical place. It's a magical place to work. Everyone is deeply, deeply invested. And my favorite thing of all of it is when guest stars come and say to me, is it always like this here? And I go, yep.
1:17:03 Alex Cooper? What?
1:17:05 Speaker 03 It's a team. It's fun. We laugh and we get it done. Like, we are so focused and so, listen, it's shorthand. Everyone knows a drill. Everyone's so good. And we know when to play. We know when to work. We have been together so long. There's a real intimacy. I'm like very close with my crew. Like, we text yesterday. We love each other and we are a team. And if somebody's not invested, they're out. Like, we bring our A-game. Best
1:17:45 Speaker 03 idea wins. And it is a joy. And I look forward to going to work every day. And you can't believe how much we laugh.
1:17:56 Alex Cooper? What time do you have to wake up?
1:17:58 Speaker 03 Well, now that I've been on the show since 1926, um, my call is seven every day. I think everyone else gets up at like five, but I'm like, sweetie, I'm gonna roll in around 7:30. I hope you're cool with that. There's a little, mama, mama has, mama sets the, mama's the boss. Mama's the boss now. I hashtag boss lady. What? I don't wield it around, but they're not confused. Do you know what I'm saying?
1:18:22 Alex Cooper? I'm obsessed.
1:18:24 Speaker 03 Yeah, no, it's really good. But I'm the hardest worker of all of them, too.
1:18:27 Alex Cooper? There you go.
1:18:28 Speaker 03 I don't play. I set the standard. I say, this is what we're doing. And if it's not working, I go, that's not good. Let's go again.
1:18:34 Alex Cooper? Okay, SVU talk for the really, really, really crazies. They need me to ask Olivia and Elliot how to, will they, won't they relationship for years? Do you think they'll ever end up together?
1:18:46 Speaker 03 Maybe on the last episode.
1:18:49 Speaker 03 I think that's when they should be together.
1:18:51 Alex Cooper? On the last episode.
1:18:53 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:18:53 Alex Cooper? Do you want them to be at the end?
1:18:55 Speaker 03 If it's right.
1:18:57 Alex Cooper? We'll see when we get there.
1:18:59 Speaker 03 We are soulmates.
1:19:01 Alex Cooper? Yes.
1:19:01 Speaker 03 In a way.
1:19:02 Alex Cooper? Yes.
1:19:02 Speaker 03 We are. And I think that I, I mean, Chris has had a profound impact on my life, my artistry. I think we've had a big impact on each other. And so Olivia and Elliot are. But let's see where the story takes us, you know?
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1:21:48 Speaker 03 Are you, are you fucking kidding me? There's so many good ones for different reasons.
1:21:53 Alex Cooper? Name a couple quick.
1:21:54 Speaker 03 Oh, Jesus.
1:21:57 Speaker 03 Well, I mean, the first thing comes out of my mouth right now is Bradley Woodford and Amy Landecker.
1:22:01 Alex Cooper? Boom. Okay.
1:22:01 Speaker 03 Just because it's recent and they're so funny.
1:22:03 Alex Cooper? Okay, what episode of SVU are the most proud of?
1:22:10 Alex Cooper? Rapid fire.
1:22:12 Speaker 03 Um, the one I directed, um, maybe, um, what's it called in the?
1:22:16 Alex Cooper? That, that thing.
1:22:17 Speaker 03 The one in the sky with Bradley Woodford.
1:22:19 Alex Cooper? Boom. Okay. What has been your craziest fan interaction?
1:22:24 Speaker 03 Craziest fan interaction?
1:22:27 Speaker 03 Hold on, there's a lot.
1:22:30 Speaker 03 I like it when like, you know, because I get so much love on the street and like, I mean, I get a lot of love. Somebody's like, I don't get SVL. I don't get it. Somebody came up to me and I'm like, oh my God, well, I'm so sorry. Thank you. I don't know what to say. Sophie, do I have another fan interaction?
1:22:44 Alex Cooper? That's good. Sophie's not even, Sophie's not there. Sophie, but you live in New York City.
1:22:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
1:22:48 Alex Cooper? Is it like, are you getting, are you, can you walk to the bagel shop?
1:22:52 Speaker 03 No, no, it's so awesome. But you have to understand, I walk. It's, it's such a joy because I walk and they're like, oh my God, I love you. You know, it's that.
1:23:00 Alex Cooper? Olivia.
1:23:00 Speaker 03 Yeah. And they, I hug it out. I'm hugger. It's a, it's very intimate, um, relationship in New York. So one time I was, um, I was, um, well, I was getting in my car and I, uh, was. Saw a man fall. And so I went over, I jumped out of my car, I grabbed the man. And I picked him up and I put him in my car and I took him to the hospital. And then I took him home. Like I do like stuff like that a lot. If I see, if I see something, if you see something, say something. If I see something, I just handle it. There's stuff like that.
1:23:32 Alex Cooper? Has, has anyone ever mistaken you while you're on set for being an actual cop?
1:23:36 Speaker 03 Well, there was the time when I was shooting a scene in a park. And we were shooting a scene and a little girl came up to me crying and said hi. And she was just crying and she wouldn't talk. And I said, what's the matter, honey? And she said, she was crying. And I said, did you lose your, did you lose, is your mom, can you, where's your mom? And she was like, ah. And so I just picked her up. I said, can I pick you up? And I picked her up and then I walked around the park until I, until I found her mom. So I think she thought I was a police officer and, but either way, she trusted me. So that was beautiful.
1:24:09 Alex Cooper? Olivia, we love it. Have you ever taken anything from set? Like, do you have, do you have any of like Olivia's memorabilia in your house?
1:24:17 Speaker 03 Oh yeah, take whatever I want, whenever I want. I just go, can I have this? I always ask. Can I have this? And they're like, yeah, go ahead.
1:24:24 Alex Cooper? But they're like, no. And you're like, okay, thanks. And you take it anyways?
1:24:26 Speaker 03 Yeah, they don't say no, but I don't ask for stuff like that, you know? They gave me like my real badge. Cause I wanted that. And I framed it and then they made a new badge for me.
1:24:37 Alex Cooper? That's really cute. Yeah. Um, okay. With all that you've achieved, how do you define success at this point in your life?
1:24:45 Speaker 03 Peace, space.
1:24:49 Speaker 03 Um.
1:24:51 Speaker 03 Balance. I feel so peaceful and present in a new way. I haven't always. I used to have a lot of anxiety and be scared. And I'm just not anymore. And I trust. I think that I trust. I think I had a lot of catastrophic, um, thinking. And was waiting for the shoe to drop, which is understandable, losing my mother. And then this thing happening with my father. Um, and now I feel
1:25:31 Speaker 03 steady and grateful and, um, loved.
1:25:38 Speaker 03 I think my family is my biggest place of success in my life. It's, it's everything that I wanted. My husband is everything that I wanted. My husband is my
1:25:54 Speaker 03 home, my cheerleader, my
1:26:00 Speaker 03 makes me laugh if he can fix anything and the best dad.
1:26:08 Speaker 03 I call him daddy. I'm just kidding. I so don't. It was schtick. That was that.
1:26:14 Alex Cooper? That's the headline.
1:26:15 Speaker 03 No, and then my, my, my kids, like our family, I love my kids so much and I just love our family. I love our family. The fact that I get to go home right now to my kids and my family, I, I'm like, what else is there? What else is there? And integration, I say integration. This is what I was talking about, all the parts. I feel success because I'm integration. Everything's in balance. There's no like highs and lows. I'm like, oh yes, okay. The movie is great, but I'm just settled being with you and being present and connecting. It's, I just feel settled and hopeful. And now I go back to SVU and I'm like, oh, I wonder what I'll do. I'm not as fearful.
1:26:59 Alex Cooper? I think that's incredible advice. Like even thinking back to the beginning of this episode when you were talking about, you know, your twenties, you were like, that was the worst era of my life. And I know I have a lot of women in their twenties listening. And I think it's so beautiful to hear from you how they should feel so hopeful that it's going to get better. You're going to know yourself more. You're going to grow into yourself more. You're going to learn how to heal your traumas. You're going to learn how to love yourself more. It's all coming.
1:27:28 Speaker 03 Be patient and be gentle with yourself and know that there's parts of you at work and they're all trying to figure it out and they're all parts that want your attention. So be gentle and listen. Listen to that inner voice. My inner voice has guided me and when I'm still enough to listen to it, it has all the answers. You already have everything you need. You already have it inside. And that's the thing that we, that we need to grow into.
1:28:05 Alex Cooper? This was so lovely. This was so lovely. I feel like I was just like at coffee with a girlfriend chatting. Truly, you are so inspiring. You're so talented. You're so smart. You're all the things of like a dream guest that I could have asked for. And my family and friends are so fucking jealous right now. And I had the best time. So, thank you so much for coming on Call Her Daddy. This was a dream. I am honored to be here. Let's do it again.
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