Avoidant Attachment 101

This week, Alex continues breaking down attachment styles and dives into avoidant attachment. She discusses why getting close can feel so uncomfortable, the instinct to shut down or pull away, and why you might suddenly get the “ick” when things get serious. She also shares how to recognize when fear is driving your feelings, know when a relationship isn’t giving you room to heal, and communicate when your instinct is to shut down. Enjoy!

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  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another gorgeous, beautiful Sunday session of Call Her Daddy. So last Sunday session, I decided to open up the conversation around attachment styles.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  And I basically focused the entire conversation on anxious attachment. Again, for anyone who didn't watch that episode or needs a quick refresher, at its core, an attachment style is your subconscious blueprint for how you behave, communicate, and react in close relationships. It's how your brain reacts to intimacy and threat. And there are four attachment styles. There's secure attachment, anxious, avoidant, and fearful/disorganized. If you think you may have anxious attachment, I talked about this the other week, and that episode is definitely for you. So if you missed it, you should go watch that. But this episode

• 3:10Speaker 00

  may also be for you. Okay? Because the reality is, if you have anxious attachment, you quite often are most attracted to someone who has avoidant attachment. You two just, you can't seem to stay away from each other, even though you probably should. Today, we are going to start off by discussing avoidant attachment. We have gotten to avoidant, we hit anxious, and now we're about to cruise into a new lane. So avoidant attachment. If you are currently dating someone who acts like expressing an emotion is similar to a physical threat,

• 3:54Speaker 00

  or if you are the person who suddenly gets the ick and runs away the second someone buys you flowers, this is, this is your wake-up call. Okay? We are gonna dissect exactly what avoidant attachment is. The silent emotional toll it can take on you and how it can completely can ruin essentially your relationships and significantly have a lasting impact on your self-esteem. Buckle up, baby. So let's start with, let's define this. Avoidant attachment

• 4:32Speaker 00

  is a subconscious defense mechanism where your brain equates intimacy with danger. Okay? If you have avoidant attachment, your core belief is, if I rely on you, you will eventually let me down, you will suffocate me, or you will control me, and therefore I must rely solely on myself to survive. So in dating, you, you know, you're the ultimate escape artist. Okay? You want love because you're obviously a human being, that's natural. But the second that you start to actually get it, your literal alarm system goes off in

• 5:17Speaker 00

  your body. And psychologists call this deactivating strategies. Okay? These are basically the subconscious tricks that your brain plays to force distance between you and the person you are dating or the person that you are getting close to. Now, if you are an avoidant, you probably have a lot of moments where you see people online being like, oh my God, I like got the ick and I could like never talk to them again, right? And you're like, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, you have no idea. We invented the ick over here

• 5:57Speaker 00

  in avoidant land. Okay? Because essentially avoidance can get the ick over literally nothing. Someone that you are dating takes you on amazing weekend trip. Oh, it's beautiful, it's gorgeous. You are feeling, oh my God, incredibly close to them. And then suddenly you look over and you're like, oh my God, the way that they are chewing is so disgusting. I have to end it. I can never see this person again. I have to break up with them. I will never be able to get past that. I can't unsee that. Like, obviously, that's not a deal. Well, someone chewing so disgusting, maybe deal breaker. But usually, these things are not actual deal breakers, but it is your brain trying to protect you from getting

• 6:40Speaker 00

  close to people. Okay? Another example that comes to mind for an avoidant is the ex fantasy. And this one is like so psychologically fascinating to me. So basically, the ex fantasy is like, an avoidant person will stay obsessed with an ex from three years ago who was emotionally unavailable, and they convince themselves no one will ever compare to that ex. And why the avoidant does this is because it's basically like fantasizing about someone who is unattainable is completely safe because they can't actually hurt you. And you're

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  not actually gonna have a relationship with them. So it's like this perfect middle ground. You'll never get hurt and you'll never actually have to be with them. And so, another thing avoidance can do frequently is they use the pullback technique, which is like, basically, you can have an amazing emotionally intimate night where you both open up, right? And then the very next day, you take 12 hours to text back and you act incredibly cold. And you basically need to reset your boundaries because that closeness, it made you feel way too exposed. It was way too much for you. So why does this happen? Like, how does someone

• 8:05Speaker 00

  become an avoidant? How does someone have avoidant attachment? So at its core, an avoidant attachment style is a survival strategy that a child's brain develops to protect themselves from emotional pain. So to anyone that you think maybe this is something that like applies to you, basically, when you're a baby or a young child in distress, your biological instinct is to seek comfort from your primary caregiver, right? Whoever raised you. But if those caregivers repeatedly rejected, ignored, or minimized your emotional needs,

• 8:49Speaker 00

  then your brain as a baby or a child has to make a quick calculation of like, okay, if I'm reaching out for help and that only leads to rejection or coldness, I'm gonna stop reaching out and it's probably safer to just rely entirely on myself. Maybe you're someone who had a parent who would use emotional minimization. And what I mean by that is like, they kind of like had that mentality of like pull yourself up by your bootstraps, right? In your household, maybe it's like physical needs, like food and shelter and

• 9:29Speaker 00

  safety may have been met, but emotional needs are treated as a weakness, an inconvenience, or in some cases, like you're punished essentially, right? And so, that could look like you're six years old and you fall off your bike, let's say, and you scrape your knee and you start crying hysterically. And instead of your parents picking you up and comforting you and making sure you're okay, your parent sighs, roll their eyes, and says, stop crying. It's not that bad. You're fine. Go inside and clean yourself off. Also, it could be if you were a child and you were sad, let's say, about a friendship at school. Maybe

• 10:14Speaker 00

  your parents told you, stop being so sensitive over it. It's not that big of a deal. And so understandably, the lesson that you learn from that is, okay, my parents do not want to deal with my big emotions. And if I show sadness or fear, I'm basically met with frustration or rejection. And so I must hide my pain to keep their approval. And so that is kind of one childhood environment that can then lead to having avoidant attachment. Another one could be the overburdened or the depressed parent. So this dynamic basically can cause

• 10:59Speaker 00

  a role reversal because sometimes, parents who are physically or emotionally unable to care for their children, whether it's due to, you know, depression, addiction, illness, extreme work stress, whatever it be.

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  As a child, let's say you lived with a single mother who was suffering from severe clinical depression, right? You quickly learned that if you cry, or you ask for help, it visibly distresses your mother, or makes her withdraw further. So in order to essentially protect your parent and the dynamic, as a child, you started to act like a mini adult. You're making your own meals, you know, your room, you're trying to have it be spotless, and you're basically hiding any negative feelings so that they don't burden your parent or your parents. You're constantly worried about being a burden. And I want

• 11:59Speaker 00

  to make sure I'm clarifying, like, this is taught to you, okay? And when this is taught to you, it registers in your brain, "Got it. No one is coming to save me. In fact, I have to save them. And depending on others is a huge burden. And so, okay, I'm gonna do everything myself." So that may relate to a lot of you watching. This one that I researched is a little less common, but it's a very powerful trigger to avoidance, which is basically, it's kind of like on the opposite Richter scale. It's like the enmeshed or the smothering

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  parent, if you had this. And it happens basically when a parent uses their child to meet their own emotional needs, AKA, they basically are completely ignoring the child's boundaries. And so, an example of this would be, you had an anxious parent who treated you, their child, like a therapist. And they are just constantly dumping their adult worries on to you as a child, or they're hover parents, and they're hovering to the point where you, as a child, had zero privacy or personal space. And so, at a young age, you felt physically

• 13:24Speaker 00

  and emotionally so suffocated by your parents' intense emotional demands. And so, understandably, this then taught you, intimacy means losing my freedom. And if I let someone get too close to me, they will consume me, and they will take away my autonomy. And so, I have to keep people at a distance to survive.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Those are a lot. So, that's childhood. Now, fast forward to you today, listening, watching, that child has now become an adult who is incredibly good at being self-sufficient. But the shield that once kept you safe in this cold childhood home, or this overbearing home, it's now this giant, basically, brick wall that's preventing you from experiencing true love and connection as an adult. Which is so sad, and I feel for anyone listening

• 14:36Speaker 00

  to this, if this is really hitting home for you, because what's so misunderstood and so sad is like, you're still protecting that hurt six-year-old who learned that depending on people is such a dangerous game, and you really shouldn't do it. And the emotional toll that this can take on you is understandably massive. Because now, as I'm, you know, talking to you as a present-day adult, on the outside, and I think this is like, one of the biggest mind fucks of it all, an avoidant person looks like they have it completely figured out. You look so strong, you look untouchable, you're probably known as the heartbreaker,

• 15:19Speaker 00

  right? But then, behind closed doors, to be avoidant is to kind of almost like, live in this cage of your own making. You're constantly holding your breath, your body is always under some degree of stress, because you are so hypervigilant about keeping people at arm's length. You have to constantly monitor your boundaries. You can't just like, accept a hug, or enjoy a quiet Saturday morning, because your brain is just constantly scanning

• 16:00Speaker 00

  for signs of essentially, this trap of closeness, that you experience from a really, really young age, right? If we talk about the emotional toll that this takes, it's this like, really quiet, deep, suffocating loneliness. You feel like, no one truly knows you, because you don't let them. You watch other people experience deep, messy, beautiful love, and a part of you, and you'll never admit it, but like, a part of you feels a little left out. It's like the saddest movie scenes, where like, you're the one during the Christmas movie, like, out in the cold, and you're like, looking through the window at the happy

• 16:43Speaker 00

  family, or the happy couple, and you're like, "Ugh, I wish I could have that."

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  the new arrivals from American Eagle, kind of obsessed. We're talking sweet dresses, soft sweaters you'll want to live in, on-trend jeans and cargos you'll want to wear on repeat. And if you see a style you love, grab it now, because you already know the good stuff doesn't stay in stock for long. You can check it all out at ae.com, or just go to the store. How does this actually impact your romantic relationships, right? We just talked about childhood, where it can come from, but if you are an avoidant, what happens when you start to date someone, and you're getting close? When conflict arises, a secure, or an anxious partner, like I talked about in the last episode, they want to talk it out.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  They're like, "Let's connect, okay? We gotta connect." This person is basically looking for any form of connection. But what does an avoidant do? You shut down. You go stone-cold quiet. You basically stonewall your partner. And so, to your partner, this feels like you are punishing them. But to you, your brain is like, physically short-circuiting, right? You literally feel like you cannot breathe, so you just shut the door, to keep from drowning. And this is how you end up in that anxious, avoidant trap that I talked

• 19:15Speaker 00

  about at the end of the anxious attachment episode, which I can get into a little bit later, more in-depth, but it's basically like, the more they chase you for answers, the more the avoidant runs. Like, you make your partner feel crazy and needy for just wanting basic communication, when in reality, you are the one who, at that moment, is emotionally paralyzed. And so, you end up kind of like, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind you, wondering like, "Why is no one ever the right fit?" Here is like, the biggest plot twist of it all. And I think this is the part that hits the hardest, when you are talking about

• 19:56Speaker 00

  this with avoidance. Most people think that avoidant people have insanely high self-esteem. They think, "Oh, my God, they are so confident, they don't need anyone, they, they can just leave, like that. Ugh."

• 20:13Speaker 00

  That's a complete lie. If you are avoidant, most likely your self-esteem is entirely dependent on your independence and performance, understandably because of your childhood and what you experienced. And so you secretly believe that if you show someone your true messy, vulnerable, imperfect self, they will reject you. And so you then decide to reject them first. And so I think that's what's like the most painful when you bring this up and talk about this. Cause it's like, if you are an avoidant and you've avoided attachment, your independence,

• 20:57Speaker 00

  it's not a strength, it's a shield. And whether you hide behind your career or your looks, or you know, your gym routine, or your busy schedule, because if you stay occupied, you never have to face the terrifying truth that you are scared to death, that you are fundamentally unlovable. I told you these episodes get like really deep, guys. If you're watching this and your chest feels heavy because this is like, okay, yep, this one's hitting home. I just want you to know, there are so many people who experience this. You are not alone. Also, this isn't your fault, but I promise you, there is hope.

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  And you do not have to live this way forever, shielding yourself and your heart. I said this in the anxious attachment episode, I'm going to say it here. Obviously, the best possible way to begin to heal is getting into therapy. I have to just say that every episode, you guys, because investing in yourself and understanding your wounds and your childhood and your triggers, so that you can essentially work to reclaim your narrative in your life, is never going to be a bad idea. We cannot choose the family we're born into, but we can change the way that we interact and approach our own individual lives, right? But like I said last episode as well, if therapy isn't for you, or maybe, you know, you're just not at a place right now where you're ready for therapy.

• 22:27Speaker 00

  Whether maybe it's financial or just emotionally, whatever it be. I got you. Again, I am not a therapist, okay? But I'm going to give you some tips on how you can start to heal. So, everything I've researched and experienced in life, I tried to pour into this episode for you guys. So, step one for my avoidant attached girlies. Step one is, you basically need to recognize that the ick, or whatever is like the, oh my God, get up and run, is a false alarm.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  So, step one is you basically need to be able to identify the panic, that panic feeling. The next time you suddenly, you're going to find a flaw in someone that you liked yesterday, stop yourself and realize that the ick is actually just your nervous system panicking because you are getting close to someone. And so you gotta just slow it down and you almost need to label it of like, okay, hold on, I am not turned off from our night together that in the moment I was really enjoying, but in the morning I woke up, no, no, I'm not turned off, I'm just scared. Avoidant brains use really sneaky tricks to kind of like force distance when intimacy gets too close.

• 23:53Speaker 00

  It's like, you're almost like preventing yourself from feeling the good, right? Like this thing is actually feeling really good, I need to sabotage it. Immediately not allowing yourself to just like, okay, I have the ick, I gotta go. And then next, I think is reminding yourself who you are and soothing that suffocation response, okay? When someone asks you for emotional closeness, you are understandably probably going to feel physically trapped or very defensive. Like this is very scary. This is where your nervous system starts to be triggered. Oh my God, oh my God, closeness, I need to run. Trying to not react immediately is key here.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  And before you shut down or you walk away, slowing yourself down is so key. And trying to help yourself, it's almost like you're going to do that by reinforcing your reality. And what I mean by that is, you need to tell yourself who you are. Like literally like touch where you're sitting and be like, I am an adult. I have my own car. I have my own money. I have my own life. This person cannot consume me unless I let them. Right? And then, once you are like, okay, okay, okay, all right. I can, I've paused, I'm aware that I'm overreacting a little bit here. This is just one of my triggers.

• 25:18Speaker 00

  Then, and this is probably one of the hardest, you have to stop the silent treatment. To all my avoidance, I love you so much. You have to stop. You gotta stop ghosting and instead you have to ask for space verbally. All of you are like, nope, I'm jumping out the window before I do that. I get it. Understandably, your instinct during conflict is to shut down, self-isolate. And I also want to be really clear, guys, if you are an avoidant, like you have a right to space, but you need to communicate the need to your partner, right? It's just a little shift.

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  And I know it feels uncomfortable, but it's like, instead of stonewalling or ghosting this person, you can just say, hey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I need some time to just process this. I'm going to take a walk, but why don't we talk about it at 8:00 PM? Or why don't we talk about it tomorrow? When you feel overwhelmed and you want to pull away, my biggest advice is like, you have to try to not just vanish. And from what I understand from my therapist is, her biggest advice is you have to give a return date because it holds you accountable to actually return to the connection.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  And then you won't spiral, spiral, spiral and be like, oh my God, I'm not going back and da, da, da. Like you, you hold yourself accountable. And it also then stops your partner from chasing you in this panic mode. This gives you the space you need without being inconsiderate of your partner. And it also gives your partner some peace of mind of like, let's, let's circle back at this day and this time, right? And I also think the biggest advice my friend who is an avoidant and gave me, and I hope this can be helpful to all of you, is most avoidance run away because they don't know how to say no early on.

• 27:29Speaker 00

  And so what can happen is, they almost let people crowd them until they feel like they are literally going to explode and they can't take it anymore. And so I think it's really, really important to learn basically how to say like, hey, I really like you, but I just need a quiet night to myself to recharge tonight. If you are able to say that, and then, and of course, if you're dealing with an anxious and they're like, did I do something wrong? You're like, no, no, this is such a me thing. Like I just need a quiet night to recharge for myself. This is something, it's a need of mine that I really, I really need to make sure that I'm doing for myself.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  If you are able to be honest about that, it is going to change the game for you. Because basically, setting a clear boundary prevents you from needing to ruin the relationship just to get some space. And I think that's what happens a lot. These avoidance are like, oh my God, I let this build so much, I have to get away from this person. It's like, no, no, you can just communicate your need and then you can go get your space. But understandably, guys, it is so hard, right? Because you, like people are like, oh, it sounds, I know that sounds easy to some people. It is not because an avoidant, like you spent decades of your life building these walls and these defense mechanisms to survive. This is a survival mechanism for you.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  So obviously, this isn't going to just change overnight where you're like, hey, I need space. Oh, that was easy. Okay, I'm never going to struggle with that again. Like, no. But the point is, is that every time that, let's say you stay in the room for five minutes longer, having that hard conversation, or you, let's say you share a small feeling instead of just completely shutting down and isolating and not talking about it. What you're doing is you're actually successfully healing and you're reclaiming your life in a way that allows you to get closer to the love and the support that you deserve and you actually want, right? You do want this. It feels like it's not attainable, but the more that you slowly take these steps,

• 29:37Speaker 00

  you'll start to see, oh, oh, and then they did give me my space. And then I didn't lose my autonomy and I didn't lose my, oh, like this is working. And then slowly you build almost that like muscle.

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  Head to Shopify.com/daddy. That's Shopify.com/daddy. Now that I fully explained and avoidant where it comes from, how it impacts your relationships, and then the previous episode, I explained all of that about an anxious attachment person. I want to dive into what is this anxious avoidant dynamic in dating? What does it look like? How does it happen? So here we go. These two styles, avoidant and anxious, they date, okay? And when they date, they enter a chronic cycle where one partner's coping mechanism

• 32:58Speaker 00

  directly activates the other partner's worst nightmare. And so it's almost like when you hear people, I feel like a good example is just like you hear the saying, I feel like often, like, oh my God, like you guys just trigger each other's like worst, you know, qualities about yourselves or you trigger each other's worst edit out, like this is at max capacity. So this is what the cycle looks like. Ready? It basically starts off with the trigger, okay? The anxious partner senses a light shift in energy or a delay in communication. Like maybe they got a short text from the avoidant, right?

• 33:39Speaker 00

  And so immediately the anxious person, the nervous system goes into hyperdrive. Their whole body is screaming. They're like, oh my God, this person is leaving me. They're leaving me, they're leaving me, right? And the next step is the pursuit. The pursuit begins. And so to soothe this panic, the anxious partner moves towards the avoidant partner, demanding reassurance, asking like, are we okay? They're double texting, hello, what's going on? And then the classic withdrawal happens where this sudden emotional intensity and

• 34:19Speaker 00

  demand for closeness immediately triggers the avoidant partner's alarm system, which screams, oh my God, what's happening? I'm being fully suffocated and they're trying to control me. And so to protect themselves, the avoidant withdraws, shuts down, goes silent, or literally if you're, it's in a physical space, they physically leave the room, right? And then this leads to the escalation. Seeing the avoidant partner pull away confirms the anxious partner's worst fears, like, oh my God, it's happening. I'm getting rejected. I'm being abandoned. Oh my God, oh my God.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  And so the anxious partner chases even harder. They're yelling, they're sending text paragraphs, they're going off and, and, and they're just freaking out understandably. Again, their nervous system is off the rails right now. And so this energy from them sends the avoidant partner to retreat even further behind their walls. The avoidant partner is like, I'm gone. Peace, like you will never see me again. And so a lot of times, not always, but eventually the conflict, the conflict will temporarily resolve.

• 35:41Speaker 00

  And most of the time it is resolved when the avoidant partner throws a little crumb of attention to the anxious one, which as we know from the other episode that I did, that is then going to send a flood of dopamine to the anxious partner's brain of like, oh my God, oh my God. The anxious partner takes this as a massive wave of relief and just like, oh my God, electric chemistry, when in reality, it's literally just their nervous system recovering from their state of trauma that they were just in. Do you guys see how this could be a disaster?

• 36:24Speaker 00

  I think it's just interesting and important to recognize that these two people have complete opposing wounds, like they couldn't be more off balance when it comes to how they interact with their triggers. So to kind of put it like to compare it, right? The anxious partner's deepest fear is abandonment and being unloved. The avoidant partner's biggest fear is loss of autonomy and feeling engulfed and entrapped. When the anxious partner is under stress, they hyperactivate.

• 37:05Speaker 00

  They're reaching out, they're being demanding, they're feeling clingy, right? When the avoidant partner is under stress, they deactivate, AKA they completely shut down, they isolate, they run, they ghost. The anxious partner's core belief is if I do not fight for this connection, it will disappear. They will leave me. While the avoidant partner believes if I rely on someone else, they will eventually let me down, so I will never let them get close. So you guys, we are literally dealing with the complete opposite pages here.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  And so understandably, they are so bound to just trigger each other's wounds, right? And so a lot of you are probably like, this is, this is a recipe for just like emotional turmoil and hurt. Why do these two keep finding each other? Why are these two even attracted to each other? And I think this is kind of just like the sad fact of just like human psychology and it's cruel, but it's like to the anxious person, a stable, secure partner can feel boring because they don't trigger that familiar spike of adrenaline and anxiety that this person has experienced since childhood, right?

• 38:33Speaker 00

  And so it's, it feels at first really, really intoxicating and interesting and, and then they go through this up and down cycle where they pull back and then they give, and it's very replicating exactly what they experienced in their childhood from their caregivers. The avoidant is interested in it because their slight unavailability activates the anxious attachment system almost like so perfectly that the brain misinterprets the anxiety and obsession is like spark and love. I remember reading this, if you are someone who is anxiously attached and you are dating an avoidant partner, I read this quote and I was like, okay, this needs to be said.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  It's very eye opening. It's a little harsh, but here you go. It just kind of paints the picture. An anxious person dating an avoidant is like, I think they said like, it's like trying to quench your thirst with salt water. The more that you drink, the thirstier and more depleted you get. So how do we get off the hamster wheel? Well, it's hard. This one's a really tough one. I would say if you are currently locked in this anxious avoidant loop, you are most likely really physically exhausted and you're emotionally drained and you're probably feeling like you're slowly losing your freaking mind.

• 39:56Speaker 00

  To fix it, both partners have to agree to stop playing these default roles. And if one person tries to fix it while the other keeps kind of running the same playbook and the same cycle, the cycle will not break. It literally like each person needs to work on themselves and be 100% committed to fixing this. And so the things that I discussed in the episode for the anxious person the other week and the things that I just discussed for the avoidant of like how to work through this, you both have to be working individually on those things to like recognize the trigger, then like pause, do like all of that.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  And then on top of that, individually doing the work.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  You basically need to sit down together, preferably guys during a calm, happy, not middle of a fight moment. And you basically need to just agree to some rules, I guess, almost to some degree. First,

• 41:05Speaker 00

  let me get my notes. First, you have to acknowledge the cycle. And I think it's so important, you basically need to give this pattern a name. So when a fight starts, one of you has to be able to say, hey, we're doing the dance again. You're pulling away. I'm chasing you. Let's stop.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  And weirdly, from what I understand, like, objectifying the problem makes it an us versus the cycle issue, instead of like a me versus you. Well, you're pulling away. Well, you're smothering me. And it's like, no, no, we're both leaning into our triggers. We're doing this thing and it's, and it's making putting us in that cycle. And so you're both against the problem together instead of each other, which I think is really helpful to know. The anxious person cannot lean into their protest behaviors, right? That's the over texting, the paragraphs, the smothering, the spiraling. So they can't be doing that and, and kind of protesting when the avoidant is pulling back a little bit.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  And the avoidant, you cannot, cannot, under any circumstances, lean into the silent treatment. You can't do it anymore. Like, both of those are really immature forms of communication and they feel like manipulation. So for the avoidant, if you need space, you have to state it. And for the anxious, if you need closeness, you have to ask for it directly instead of making up the, oh, you must be busy. I guess you don't have time for me. And it's like, just say what you want to say. You have to get better at that. Something that's interesting is like, you do have to recognize the aftermath dynamic.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  So, understanding that after a big emotional breakthrough, the avoidant partner will naturally feel vulnerable and want to pull back slightly the next day. The anxious partner may, you know, that's not what you want, but you have to expect this and you cannot panic. You have to allow them that brief, healthy ebb and flow. Like this is just how to some, you're not going to completely change your personalities and who you are. Like you can find that healthy balance, but you're not going to 100% change the fact that an avoidant is going to need a lot of space in moments. And they can communicate that to you, but you have to be okay with being with an avoidant partner to some degree.

• 43:26Speaker 00

  They're not going to naturally have the same reaction after a fight or an issue to just come together and be like, let's solve it. Oh my God, how are we doing? So you have to be confident and secure enough in yourself and your triggers to know that you can handle that. Or you're literally just going to hurt yourself. Because I think the hard truth is, if you try to communicate your needs calmly and set these boundaries and your partner does respond by constantly calling you crazy and gaslighting you and is basically just completely refusing to meet you halfway, you have to walk away.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  Right? You cannot love someone into treating you with respect. You can't heal your attachment style while staying with someone who actively is triggering your trauma with no remorse. And so I think that's something that's really hard again, because we see it on reality television. We see it sometimes in movies and it's like, not as overt maybe, but like, when you are in a cycle that triggers your triggers, to someone who maybe is a secure attachment would be like, sweet, like, why don't they just leave? They're like hurting themselves. I, I think it's so important to recognize because it's actually comfortable.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Like, if you have been operating this way since you were a child, this is so familiar. Familiar doesn't mean it's good, but familiar to your nervous system is like, here we go again. Oh, here we go again. We're back. One, two, trigger, trigger, mental breakdown, physically. Like you go through the whole thing and, and it's so uncomfortable, but it's so familiar and you know the steps of what to expect. And so when it's not happening, like I've talked about, like, you can feel a little bored. You can feel like what's going on. And so I think we have to give ourselves some grace that in these dating dynamics, when you are attracted to the person who is causing you triggers, you have, you're most of the time going to have to be the one that calls it quits.

• 45:23Speaker 00

  Because even if that person leaves you because they can't take it anymore, you're going to just keep finding the same thing over and over and over until you start to advocate for yourself. Cause no one else is going to do that for you.

• 45:52Speaker 00

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• 47:19Speaker 00

  Lastly, what I will say about avoidance and to any of my avoidance who are watching this. I think what's really important to recognize as someone with avoidant attachment is you don't want to forever be stuck being labeled in a way that really doesn't represent who you are. Right? In the romantic setting,

• 47:47Speaker 00

  you can be seen as cold when you really just do want to be loved and you just need a little bit of space. And this misunderstanding I think could really trickle into friendship circles. So it's interesting because avoidance are often praised for being easy or low maintenance friends. Like you don't cause drama. You don't really demand daily phone calls and you're like, actually totally fine if you don't hear from someone for three months. And they're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I haven't kept in touch. You're like, it's all good.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  But underneath that chill exterior, avoidance manifests in very specific isolating ways. Like, you can become almost someone who is just more of a surface level friend. You might have 50 acquaintances, but only one or two people who actually know anything about the real you. And I'm not saying like a close circle isn't good, but it's like,

• 48:53Speaker 00

  even those two people, do they really know you? Cause you always kind of keep the conversations at a distance and you keep them pretty light. And so people never really get to know your inner world and your inner feelings and they can't ever show up for you and be there for you. And so then when you are genuinely going through a really hard time, whether, you know, it's a breakup or a family emergency or mental health struggles, whatever it be, your instinct is to completely ghost everyone and you just withdraw and you hide until you have fixed the problem yourself.

• 49:32Speaker 00

  Because you believe that showing up sad or struggling, it's just going to be a burden to your friends. It's just going to be annoying, right? And that can lead to extreme hyper independence. Which I could also do a whole episode on that. Let's, let's write that one down because

• 49:59Speaker 00

  I feel like in our culture,

• 50:02Speaker 00

  obviously independence is so highly celebrated and we're told that, you know, being a self-made person who doesn't need anyone, it's the ultimate flex, right? But in reality, there is a massive, highly toxic difference between healthy autonomy and hyper independence. Hyper independence is another form of not self-care. It's, it's painful and it's isolating and it's, it feels in moments like a badge of honor, but it's actually not. So let's add that to the list of episodes we need to accomplish. But overall,

• 50:44Speaker 00

  I hope this could be helpful. I know it's a lot, but there is so much power in owning your circumstances. So you can make the changes you want to live the life that you want. The next attachment style we have to tackle, daddy gang, is fearful slash disorganized attachment. If that is something you know you have, or if so far both of these, you're like, I don't know if that really, then this may be you, or maybe you're secure, babe. Love that for you, slay. Um, but fearful and disorganized, it's painful and it is a lot. And I am excited to talk about it.

• 51:29Speaker 00

  So we can start figuring out how to alleviate some of the pain that maybe some of you have been in. And you're probably like, I don't know why. And I've got you. So daddy gang, I hope you're liking this little attachment style series that we're doing here. I hope it's been informative and I'm excited for the next one. So you know the drill. I will see you motherfuckers next Wednesday. Goodbye.

• 52:09Speaker 00

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