Begin Again Moments: How to Keep Your Sex Life Alive

In this episode of Begin Again Moments, Davina McCall revisits two honest, eye-opening conversations with relationship expert Paul C. Brunson and psychosexual therapist Dr Karen Gurney, exploring how you can rebuild intimacy, reconnect with your partner and rediscover desire at any age. Paul reveals why his sex life is better after 23 years of marriage, the importance of emotional connection, and why foreplay begins long before you reach the bedroom. Dr Karen Gurney shares practical relationship advice on navigating different sex drives, overcoming feelings of rejection, and why scheduling intimacy could be the surprising secret to a happier, healthier relationship. Whether you're struggling with a lack of intimacy, feeling disconnected from your partner, or wondering how to keep love alive after years together, this conversation is a beautiful reminder that passion, connection, and closeness can grow stronger over time. To hear the full conversations, watch the complete episodes on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcasts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Stonefire naan is baked in blazing high heat to give you buttery charred flatbread for any meal.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  I love it with tzatziki and barbecue chicken.

• 0:07Speaker 02

  Stonefire naan is great when you're lost in the woods with your leg in a bear trap.

• 0:11Speaker 03

  I love making naan grilled cheese. Is that guy okay?

• 0:14Speaker 02

  I'm in shock by that buttermilk taste.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Works great for pizza. Can we get him some help?

• 0:20Speaker 02

  You can share Stonefire naan with your friends, like this friendly Wolverine.

• 0:25Speaker 03

  Doesn't sound friendly.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  From our tradition to yours, Stonefire, together we naan.

• 0:30Speaker 04

  Hi, I know you're busy, but I thought you might like this week's begin again moment. It's two fab conversations that I've had with guests from our show, and I really think that you are going to love them.

• 0:44Speaker 04

  I know that in a lot of people's relationships, long time relationships, I have several friends of mine who are married, who are like, oh, well, we don't really have sex anymore. And that always slightly worries me because I think, but is it possible for some people to stay in a marriage and not have sex? Or what's that about? And if there's one person that does want to have sex sometimes, but their partner's really gone off it, like, what do you do about that?

• 1:11Speaker 03

  Is sex incredibly important? Absolutely. Right now, my wife and I, being married 23 years, we have more sex now than we did year two of our of our marriage.

• 1:24Speaker 04

  And why?

• 1:26Speaker 03

  Now, I think there's.

• 1:27Speaker 04

  How? Not why? I don't know. How?

• 1:31Speaker 03

  How does that happen? Well, technically, Davina, you see, what I do is I take my, no. But, okay, what are some of the key reasons? One key reason, and very few people talk about this when it comes to sex, is that we're healthier. We're literally healthier. This is incredibly important. When I say healthier is that, like, literally, we work out.

• 1:58Speaker 04

  Oh, yes, okay, okay.

• 2:00Speaker 03

  More consistently. We eat better. Right, we have, we sleep. You know, I was talking to Karen Gurney, who I think is one of the top sex therapists in the world.

• 2:11Speaker 04

  Oh, Karen Gurney, yeah, she's amazing. She's so good.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  And I asked her, I said, what's the best thing to do if you have a poor sex life? And you know, a lot of people say, pop pills, drink this, do that. And she said, get a good night's sleep. But think about what she's saying. What she's saying is that when you are rested, when you have less stress, when you feel safe within yourself.

• 2:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  You're better able to then express, and sex is part of that that expression. But if you feel under stress, if you feel like you've eaten a terrible diet and you just feel like heavy, if you are sleep deprived, do you want to have sex? Absolutely not, whether you're 25 or you're 55. And so your individual health, your personal health, is incredibly important. And I think that's one of the key reasons why sex begins to deteriorate. Now, there are other reasons. The emotional intimacy sometimes slips and all these, but but our actual health, this is why it's so important for us to take care of of this vessel that we have. Incredibly important.

• 3:19Speaker 04

  It sounds like you and your wife talk a lot, you know, and I, and I, it always makes me laugh, this idea of a couple being married for such a long time and then, you know, sometimes people say to me, like, it's got to the point where he'll go fancy a shag tonight, you know, like, it's literally that kind of, that's foreplay. And then, but actually, if they said having a drink or something on a sofa, I'm trying to picture kind of how that could sound better. It would be like, if I was to take you to bed tonight, what would you like me to do to you? Or what would you like to do together? And you go, what are you talking about? And you go, I'm just asking. And then you start talking about it, and then bang, like you're already in the mood.

• 3:59Speaker 03

  Yes. So you know what the issue here is? And this is something that guys, fellas, we have to stop this, or I'm sorry, we have to to appreciate this, is that we are all turned on. And when I say turned on, is there's what's called spontaneity, spontaneous sex. And then there's others who it takes us longer to, let's say, warm up to sex.

• 4:24Speaker 04

  Well, I think that's men and women, isn't it? It's like.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Exactly. Men and women, so there's a big gender difference, and then also in terms of age. So, fellas, if you have a wife and she's in her 40s or 50s or 60s, you coming home and saying, let's get it on right now, it's it's not going down the way that you want it. So that's one thing, is that we have to appreciate that. The other thing is that we have to step outside of the script. Now, there is a standard script that happens in heterosexual sex, and that is oral sex, the wife delivers oral sex to the husband or to the to the male partner. Then there's vaginal sex that happens as long as the husband is able, once he's, once

• 5:12Speaker 03

  he ejaculates, then that's it. It's a wrap. This is the standard script to sex. And what happens is, you could imagine, if that is what you're used to, and you're a woman who doesn't climax as a result of that, there's no orgasm as a result of that, and we know that there's a massive orgasm gap, you know that after that has happened time and time and time again.

• 5:35Speaker 04

  You're not going to want to do it.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  You don't want it. Definitely, you don't want that. You definitely don't want that.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Rather secretly go upstairs, find your toy, make yourself happy, good night.

• 5:44Speaker 03

  Good night? You much rather the toy, you know? Men, we have to understand that this is happening. It's not about us. It is about we in this. And so that's also part of it. Part of it is tapping in. And what I would recommend.

• 6:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  Is, on the script, by the way, is it was Karen Gurney's book, Mind the Gap. My wife and I were reading it together, talking about it together. That, it's like, when you do these things together, it opens up the the opportunity to talk and discuss, right? So absolutely incredibly important.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  The other thing I'd like to say to, I mean, I guess in same sex marriages for women, I guess it would be the same thing, but I would think intrinsically, a woman would understand a woman and a woman's needs, but is that sometimes for women, foreplay is literally like cooking a meal together in the evening you get home, or asking how the day was, saying, would you like a glass of wine or shall I make you a cup of tea? That is foreplay, because if you've had an evening where you've not communicated at all, you get into bed and you go, right, let's, even if you're not saying fancy a shag, but you, the hand goes on the back, you think, I know what this means. I know, I see that play out.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  So many times that actually the whole evening is foreplay. If you think that you want sex, like, warm us up, you know, it's, it's like a, that's so, that's so important.

• 7:18Speaker 03

  I, what I say is that foreplay begins the moment that sex has ended. That's really where it begins.

• 7:27Speaker 04

  You are so right. For the next time, right?

• 7:30Speaker 03

  For the next time, absolutely.

• 7:31Speaker 04

  Yes, Paul.

• 7:33Speaker 03

  This is, this is it. This is it.

• 7:34Speaker 04

  This is it.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  That's.

• 7:35Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, that is so good.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  That's, that's, that's where it begins.

• 7:39Speaker 04

  Oh, that's actually made me feel amazing. Like, I just think, that is actually it. How nice would that be for so many women if suddenly, like, the guys were behaving, as if even if it was coming in two or three days' time, it's like, I'm gonna start right now.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Yes. And then also, the guys need to understand that there's benefits for us, too.

• 7:56Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. Oh, God.

• 7:58Speaker 03

  There are many. It is, it is endless benefits, you know?

• 8:03Speaker 04

  For everyone.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  For everyone. Everyone wants.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Why wouldn't you?

• 8:05Speaker 03

  Why would you not want to? And this is, this is why, and then you think about that, then that aspect of your life becomes so much better.

• 8:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  Then what happens? It's like a tide.

• 8:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:15Speaker 03

  It, everything rises.

• 8:19Speaker 04

  How can you, as a couple, sit at home and take the fire out of something that is normally full of angst and anger?

• 8:31Speaker 05

  So the first thing is to understand the triggers.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  Can you name me some triggers?

• 8:35Speaker 05

  Tone of voice. If somebody's just come in after work and actually needs time to transition, you know, that that sort of commute home, exhausted, they need time to transition.

• 8:49Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 8:50Speaker 05

  Take 10 minutes, just don't jump on them as they come in the door, because they actually can't transition that quickly. So timing is a big one.

• 8:58Speaker 04

  That is a really interesting one.

• 9:01Speaker 05

  Transitions are very difficult for some. They, they're not, they don't adapt easily. They're, they're, they might be sort of hyper anxious or kept themselves in a hypervigilant state all day because they've been at work or had to deal with stuff. And then they're still, they're still feeling that way as they walk through the front door.

• 9:21Speaker 04

  And it's not even, it's not even sometimes, I think, just the people are going, I've been with the kids all day, could you help me, da, da, da? It's not even that. Even if somebody bounds up to somebody at the door.

• 9:31Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 9:31Speaker 04

  And wants to have sex with them, it's like.

• 9:33Speaker 05

  No.

• 9:33Speaker 04

  Just give me 15 minutes.

• 9:35Speaker 05

  I can't do it.

• 9:35Speaker 04

  So you think.

• 9:36Speaker 05

  Then you're rejected.

• 9:37Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 9:37Speaker 05

  Then you're rejected. And then it starts, well, of course, he doesn't, she, he, she doesn't, doesn't, doesn't love me. What's happened? Now I'm rejected and off you go withdrawing. And that's, that happens so often, so often.

• 9:51Speaker 04

  I just give me 15 minutes. I'd love to be like that. Just, I just need.

• 9:54Speaker 05

  Can I just calm down? I can't tell you how many, how many couples, you know, one might start something in the kitchen and the other one is just not ready, just not ready. And so they stop, stop trying, they stop approaching, they stop initiating, they stop going in for the hug, because actually, they haven't quite understood that the other needs time to transition and be ready for that. That's, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a positioning that somebody needs. They, they're not that adaptable or open.

• 10:23Speaker 04

  Do you know Paul Brunson?

• 10:25Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  Obviously. He came and did a chat on here, and he said something that was so brilliant, and he said, foreplay starts the minute you stop having sex.

• 10:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 04

  And I was like.

• 10:40Speaker 05

  Oh, really?

• 10:40Speaker 04

  Of course it does. Like, that makes complete sense. And all these things that you were talking about earlier, about those little shows of intimacy.

• 10:48Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 10:49Speaker 04

  Those are the kind of things, that's foreplay.

• 10:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course it is.

• 10:53Speaker 04

  You know, that's like saying, I love you and I, rather than ten minutes before you want to have sex, you know, saying, fancy a shag tonight, like scheduling it in, so unromantic.

• 11:03Speaker 05

  Now, now.

• 11:04Speaker 04

  Yes, no, go, go, yeah, great.

• 11:05Speaker 05

  Sorry, I'm a great believer.

• 11:06Speaker 04

  No, don't.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  I'm a great believer in scheduling.

• 11:08Speaker 04

  Don't, don't ever like worry about telling me off, tell me off, I love it.

• 11:13Speaker 05

  I, I love.

• 11:13Speaker 04

  So scheduling is good.

• 11:14Speaker 05

  I love scheduled intimacy.

• 11:16Speaker 04

  Oh, really?

• 11:17Speaker 05

  I love it.

• 11:18Speaker 04

  Tell me one.

• 11:18Speaker 05

  Do you know what, I'll tell you why.

• 11:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:20Speaker 05

  Because when I say this in the room, one goes, what are you talking about? What about all that spontaneity? And my first answer is, great, when did you last have sex?

• 11:27Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 11:28Speaker 05

  Spontaneously.

• 11:29Speaker 04

  How's that working for you?

• 11:30Speaker 05

  How's that working for you?

• 11:31Speaker 04

  Yes. And there's always that silence.

• 11:34Speaker 05

  Actually, you might have a point. But I'm a great believer in scheduling intimacy. Intimacy, it doesn't have to be sex. You can't just say, oh, we're gonna have sex that night.

• 11:44Speaker 04

  Ask you to describe what intimacy looks like. Like, what would, what could that be?

• 11:50Speaker 05

  Why wouldn't you, instead of going to bed?

• 11:52Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 11:53Speaker 05

  One with the phone, one with the iPad, headphones on. Instead of that, why wouldn't you say, right, every couple of weeks, do you know what? We're gonna put some candles on, we're gonna go upstairs, just, we'll leave the kids, whatever, and we'll just hang out. Let's just hang out, let's just chat, let's just be upstairs, maybe get into something comfortable. Doesn't mean that we have to have sex, that's not, the idea is that we are creating an intimate atmosphere. The idea is that you and I are gonna actually just hang out in a nice, in a nice environment, a comfortable environment. We haven't got our day clothes on or our shoes, we're just being comfortable, put, you know, put a nice silky thing on or whatever. What's wrong with that? So I have become a bit of a demon about scheduled intimacy.

• 12:36Speaker 04

  But I love this idea of a couple going upstairs, getting into comfy clothing. I'm imagining people sitting cross-legged opposite each other on the bed.

• 12:46Speaker 05

  Sometimes you have to get.

• 12:46Speaker 04

  Talking.

• 12:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, talking, or if they can't, if they find that hard sometimes, you know, the School of Life and the card games with all those, get you talking. Yeah, well, get you talking. So if people are having difficulty just starting.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  Great recommendation.

• 12:59Speaker 05

  Fantastic, really fantastic. So if they're there and they can just have a, have a card, if they're finding it difficult, or this feels a bit weird, I don't, you know, I don't, oh, okay, have a read of this, let's have, let's have a go with this, let's try something. But it's getting, it's, it's intentional, intentional connection.

• 13:16Speaker 05

  Which is what makes, oh, no, not what makes, it's what, it's what keeps a couple going.

• 13:23Speaker 04

  What about, um, so if one wants to have sex and the other doesn't?

• 13:29Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 13:30Speaker 04

  How, how can you bridge the gap?

• 13:33Speaker 05

  Oh, it's so funny, I never forget this, way back, way back, way back.

• 13:38Speaker 05

  There was, there was a couple at, in Canary Wharf and, um,

• 13:44Speaker 05

  he's, he was so, he was so down to earth about this, he said, ah, do you know what? She gets, if I get three out of ten hits, I'm doing well, I don't mind. Stayed with me for years. And I have to say this to couples, you know, it's not always going to be the right moment. It's not always going to be, and yes, you may have different appetites, but you've got to talk about that.

• 14:06Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 14:07Speaker 05

  They have to talk about that, that's got to be managed.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  Stonefire Knan is baked in blazing high heat to give you buttery charred flatbread for any meal.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  I love it with tzatziki and barbecue chicken.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  Stonefire Knan is great when you're lost in the woods with your leg in a bear trap.

• 14:21Speaker 06

  I love making non-grilled cheese. Is, is that guy okay?

• 14:24Speaker 02

  I'm in shock by that buttermilk taste.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Works great for pizza. Can we get him some help?

• 14:30Speaker 02

  You can share Stonefire Knan with your friends, like this friendly Wolverine.

• 14:34Speaker 06

  Doesn't sound friendly.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  From our tradition to yours, Stonefire, together we gnaw.