Pod Insights Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists We All Wrote Memoirs (with Anna Konkle) About this episode NOTE: Videos will no longer be available on Spotify (we won’t bore you with the technical details about uploading platforms) BUT if you want to continue seeing how hot we look during these episodes, video is available on YouTube!
The Martyrs tell all! Today on the podcast it’s a memoir war for the ages - five members of the famous Martyr family band who each wrote a tell-all about their experiences together. Who is the victim and who is the perpetrator? Did they have magical childhoods or were they nightmares? How did one young woman’s period divide the family? All their dirty laundry will get aired, even beyond what’s in their memoirs, on this episode so grab their stack of books (and a scone) at your local Barnes & Noble, break out your best highlighters and post it notes, and listen in!
Our guest on the podcast this week is the incredibly talented Anna Konkle! She had us in stitches and we absolutely loved this idea she brought us. Check out her new memoir The Sane One wherever you get your books and find her on socials @annaryankonkle!
This episode was filmed in the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater, and tech-produced by Samuel Curtis. For live shows and events you can find more about them at dynastytypewriter.com.
To learn more about the BTS of this episode and to find a world of challenges, games, inside scoop, and the Artists being themselves, subscribe to our Patreon! You won't be disappointed with what you find. Check out patreon.com/aoaoaoapod
Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists is an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast Created and Hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell’s Big Money Players and iHeartMedia Podcasts. Executive Produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laservision Productions. Music By Gabriel Ponton and Edited by Conner McCabe. Thumbnails by Josh Fleury and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz.
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Transcript 11,703 words · 8 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.
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2:47 Speaker 06 Welcome back to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists. This week on the show, we have a bunch of people who wrote memoirs.
2:52 Speaker 02 Memoirs. The story and book of a life of a person. But what happens if all of those people wrote a memoir kind of surrounding the same thing? Today, we sit down with five different people promoting their own memoirs, each, that have crossed over in each other's lives.
3:11 Speaker 06 Now, take out your individual POV and your Kindle, and let's listen in.
3:21 Speaker 02 Hi, hi.
3:23 Speaker 00 Sorry, I didn't know we were on.
3:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, it's all good.
3:24 Speaker 06 No, it's okay. Is it rolling?
3:27 Speaker 02 It's rolling.
3:27 Speaker 00 You always do that and start earlier than when I'm ready, but...
3:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, sorry.
3:30 Speaker 00 Forever, since we were kids.
3:32 Speaker 02 I didn't mean to.
3:34 Speaker 06 There wasn't any sort of clue that you were ready. You know, if we were waiting for you to be ready, I think we'd never get anything.
3:39 Speaker 00 That is so true. Middle school.
3:43 Speaker 07 I'm gonna take a deep breath. Sorry.
3:47 Speaker 07 Okay.
3:49 Speaker 02 Hi, hi.
3:50 Speaker 06 She was talking.
3:51 Speaker 07 No.
3:52 Speaker 06 She was talking.
3:53 Speaker 07 Well, I was going to just simply apologize for turning the heat up. I know that some of you prefer it cold as an iceberg. But I would like for, you know, I want this to be an okay experience for everyone. I want everyone to be comfortable. Is everyone comfortable?
4:14 Speaker 02 I'm comfortable. I'm really comfortable.
4:15 Speaker 06 I felt like a threat. It felt like you asked me to be comfortable instead of asking me if I am comfortable.
4:19 Speaker 07 Well, simply, I wanted to know if you're comfortable. That's it.
4:22 Speaker 06 I'm great. I'm right as rain.
4:23 Speaker 07 Okay, then.
4:24 Speaker 00 As comfortable as I'm going to be.
4:26 Speaker 02 It's all in here. My comfort level is all in here.
4:28 Speaker 07 Okay.
4:29 Speaker 00 This is mine.
4:30 Speaker 07 Well, then.
4:31 Speaker 02 Oh, that's yours?
4:32 Speaker 00 Yeah, this is mine as well. My different book and memoir.
4:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's interesting.
4:36 Speaker 00 That's mine, that I wrote.
4:37 Speaker 07 Very interesting.
4:37 Speaker 02 I guess we're all here to promote our memoirs. We all grew up together in one way or another, kind of one big family, I guess you could say. Each with a different perspective on our lives.
4:50 Speaker 07 You can say, or you do say?
4:52 Speaker 02 I think I do say in this sense.
4:54 Speaker 07 I'm just curious. Can I just say? I'm just curious what I am to you. If we're gonna do this, we all have a bunch of books to promote.
5:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
5:01 Speaker 07 Okay, and it feels like if we start doing this, it feels like we'll never get to the books. And I'm here not for this. I'm here for this.
5:12 Speaker 02 You're right. Why don't we just say our name and our memoir and the relationship to this group? You can go first.
5:19 Speaker 00 Mommy, you first.
5:20 Speaker 07 Mom.
5:21 Speaker 02 Mom.
5:23 Speaker 07 Well, okay.
5:28 Speaker 02 Mother starts first.
5:29 Speaker 07 I am going to start because I am always willing to fall on the sword for this family. I will go first. My name is Denise Martyr.
5:47 Speaker 02 The fabulous Martyr family. That's what we are.
5:51 Speaker 00 She changed our name, of course, when we were in middle school.
5:54 Speaker 02 She changed her name. I made a big deal about it. I'm the only one who's gonna change her name.
5:57 Speaker 07 I changed my name to what I feel like all the time.
6:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
6:00 Speaker 07 I changed my name to what I feel like all the time. And now you all carry this name, and so you're welcome, Denise Martyr. I wrote a story called "The Sacrificial Lamb." It's a story about a woman who gives everything she has to a family who doesn't seem to,
6:21 Speaker 07 you know, give back in the same way. And it's about, of course, our dealings as a family band, traveling across the country. And we traveled across. Is this a family band? Well, what would you call it, dear? I would call it a family band because I thought we were making music. No, I'm getting too intense. I'm going to reel it back. I love everyone in this room. I really do. And I wouldn't have spent so many years raising you, conducting you in the family band if I did not feel the same way. And I, I think this book, The Sacrificial Lamb, available in Barnes and Noble exclusively.
7:01 Speaker 06 Just Barnes and Noble, huh?
7:02 Speaker 07 I don't want anyone else having it.
7:07 Speaker 07 I believe that this book will, will shed some light on some things that the public may be curious about. So that's me and it's, it's nice to be in a room with all of you again.
7:17 Speaker 06 You too, mommy. And I'm glad we could finally make this happen. My memoir, of course, is called To Me, To Me. And.
7:29 Speaker 06 I'm laughing. No, that's so you. I'm laughing, I'm literally laughing at a movie I watched last night in my head. Well, if you could be present with us right now, instead of back in your entertainment den in the man cave. Sorry, I need to escape and think about hilarious films I watched. Thank you.
7:45 Speaker 07 Was it accepted?
7:45 Speaker 06 It wasn't a real apology. Go ahead. To Me, To Me. I can't. To Me, To Me. No, you wanted me to be upset. Go ahead. I didn't, but um, we can talk about this in another 20 years when I sit in the same fucking room with you again. I gave you another chapter. Anyway, mommy, he's so like this.
8:02 Speaker 07 He is like this. You just have to tune him out.
8:05 Speaker 06 Glad I gave you a podcast. Glad I gave you a web series. Glad I gave you a TV show.
8:10 Speaker 07 Tune him out. Tune him out. Tune him out.
8:16 Speaker 06 It wasn't me.
8:20 Speaker 07 Guys, guys, guys. We have to get through this. We have to get through this. Please continue your introduction.
8:27 Speaker 06 Sorry, um, apologies. Yes, you like that just now.
8:31 Speaker 06 The good thing that I think we've found as a family is that art is sort of, or trauma, or abuse, or, you know, whatever it may be, is sort of an intro to our art. Yes. And mommy has always been a real benefactor of art and trauma with art.
8:51 Speaker 06 And, um, sorry, okay. And I think what's been interesting about my, you're still in another place, you're not the game right here right now. Don't let him do you.
9:01 Speaker 02 Don't let him do this to you.
9:02 Speaker 06 Don't let him do this to you.
9:03 Speaker 02 Don't let him trigger you.
9:05 Speaker 06 Don't, he's laying a landmine for you to walk through. You can't, you can't allow him to do that. Thank you. Literally not. A big part of the climax of my memoir is just a memory of your, I know you haven't read it yet, Smile, Laughing at Me When I Broke a Bone. And that's sort of something that I explore here, and it seems mundane, but it obviously isn't.
9:31 Speaker 06 It's good to be in the same room with all of you again, and, you know, I hope we can finally get our kids together. Definitely gonna read your book.
9:41 Speaker 06 Melinda says hi.
9:44 Speaker 06 I didn't know you had a Melinda, but hi. Okay, so you're just forgetting my kids' names. Okay.
9:50 Speaker 02 You wanna introduce yourself?
9:51 Speaker 06 Okay, sorry, I...
9:54 Speaker 02 Oh, here comes the tears again.
9:56 Speaker 06 Okay.
9:56 Speaker 02 Here we go.
9:57 Speaker 06 Here it is. Being with my siblings makes me act out in a way that I don't like.
10:11 Speaker 06 Hi, my name is Tilt.
10:16 Speaker 06 And, um, my memoir is called Cry Baby Cry in the River of Love.
10:25 Speaker 06 I'm the youngest, grew up in a family band, and what's so funny is I finally found my voice, even though I've been singing since I was a kid.
10:38 Speaker 07 Well.
10:41 Speaker 07 Tilly Billy, it's nice to have you here.
10:44 Speaker 06 It's good to see everyone. Even though it's hard for me to say that, it is good to see everyone. It's hard for me to be in this environment, Mom.
10:52 Speaker 07 Mm-hmm.
10:52 Speaker 06 Sis.
10:55 Speaker 06 But I'm glad I'm here.
10:56 Speaker 07 I like your hair. Pink? I like it.
11:01 Speaker 00 And it's good for the book, for us all to be here together, for the books, plural.
11:05 Speaker 06 Yeah.
11:05 Speaker 00 Mainly to me, to me. By Shandy Redhorn, which is my name.
11:09 Speaker 06 Shandy.
11:10 Speaker 07 Changed your name.
11:10 Speaker 00 To me, to me. Well, Shandy Martyr was a little, uh...
11:14 Speaker 07 Shandy Martyr is... You're right, a bad name. Well, I liked Shandy Martyr. I thought it was a nice name, but I understand. When we named you, so...
11:22 Speaker 00 Why did you name me Shandy Martyr, Mommy?
11:26 Speaker 07 Well, Shandy is... Well, it's the name of an alcohol that your father and I used to drink.
11:31 Speaker 06 Oh, yeah. Mixed of brandy.
11:34 Speaker 07 Champagne. Champagne.
11:37 Speaker 06 You're thinking of a beer Shandy.
11:40 Speaker 06 The champagne of brandy. The name of a drink.
11:42 Speaker 07 So it was a special, it was a proprietary mixture that we would mix together. It is, of course, sherry and brandy. We gotta stop doing this!
11:52 Speaker 07 We gotta get through this!
11:56 Speaker 07 Why don't you introduce yourself?
11:57 Speaker 06 You go ahead. You go ahead. You go ahead.
12:00 Speaker 07 I'm shutting down. Sorry.
12:04 Speaker 07 Do you want us to wait for you?
12:06 Speaker 06 No, no, keep going.
12:07 Speaker 07 Okay. Okay.
12:10 Speaker 07 My name is Dawn Martyr. I am the father
12:14 Speaker 07 of these three beautiful kids and the
12:17 Speaker 07 the ex-husband of the wonderful woman over there. Jesus Christ.
12:25 Speaker 07 I say, what have I said? When you say wonderful woman, I know what you mean. I mean you're a wonderful woman and I, I miss you every day when you left in the middle of the night. I said, don't leave, don't come back. And somehow the narrative has shifted that I said for you to go. My book is called, Hey, You Make A Better Door Than A Window. A Wacky Dad's Life To Raising Three Musical Children.
12:54 Speaker 06 And don't, for the, for the listener at home, musical has quotes on it. You saw the title of the book, right? It says, for my musical children.
13:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:04 Speaker 07 You know what I don't appreciate? And maybe, maybe I should save this for the discussion forum. I don't appreciate our lives turned into puns and jokes. I wanted to write a lighthearted bathroom read about how much fun I had with your family, with my family. That's what I wrote. I just wrote about the silly times when you wore underwear on your head. And you were running around, you were saying, I'm the underwear monster.
13:30 Speaker 06 Dad, they're selling, Dad, they're selling your book at Urban Outfitters because it's a bathroom one liner. You can't call that a memoir.
13:37 Speaker 07 Well, it's about you guys and how much joy you brought me and how funny it was to be a dad and how silly it was and our arguments we got into. Having, you were out of town for the weekend because you were taking the two of them for that duet that they were doing at the Disney Opera House in LA. And I had to be with you, Till, and I had to teach you how to use a feminine pad. Remember that crazy story?
13:59 Speaker 06 It's in my book.
14:00 Speaker 02 It's in my book.
14:00 Speaker 07 Well, you guys weren't there.
14:02 Speaker 06 So you guys, when you guys were out of town and Dad had to teach me how to use a pad, you wrote it in your book?
14:06 Speaker 07 It's in my book as well. Well, you guys weren't there. I thought, well, I, I, I mean, you're giving.
14:13 Speaker 02 A different perspective.
14:15 Speaker 07 On when Dad taught me how to use a pad. Yes. And you were out of town singing at the Disney Opera House.
14:21 Speaker 02 Well, in my book, I was there.
14:23 Speaker 07 Remember, I, I was, I was late for your musical when you were Lori in Oklahoma? And I came in on your solo and I clapped and I stood and the reason I was standing.
14:32 Speaker 06 Wasn't the end yet and you clapped.
14:33 Speaker 07 Yeah, and everyone gave you a standing ovation because they thought that I was standing for you and I had just arrived and I gave you a standing ovation, you know? I, that was just a funny moment.
14:42 Speaker 06 What's funny is it's in my book as my daddy gave me a standing ovation. I didn't know you had just walked in.
14:49 Speaker 07 Oh.
14:50 Speaker 06 But there'll be a second.
14:52 Speaker 02 And we can just make those adjustments.
14:54 Speaker 06 You're gonna revise it.
14:55 Speaker 07 I just don't understand.
14:56 Speaker 02 Why are we here if it's not for revisions?
14:58 Speaker 07 I mean.
15:00 Speaker 02 Honestly, retweet.
15:04 Speaker 02 Thank you.
15:05 Speaker 07 I've never seen someone cry while they retweet. That was crazy. I'm sorry, everybody. I am happy to be here. I only realized when I walked in and saw all of your covers that I'm maybe not a positive influence in these books. So I'm kind of dealing with that, but I don't want to take over the conversation here. I'd love for my wonderful, wonderful third child to introduce themselves.
15:34 Speaker 02 Hi. My name is Otto Martyr. I wrote the book Skateboarding Through Life. A series of short stories and ideas about how guys can just chill.
15:50 Speaker 07 Yeah.
15:52 Speaker 02 You might remember me as a little Otto. The monkey boy of the family. Always doing his monkey little tricks.
16:02 Speaker 06 Those were so good.
16:03 Speaker 02 I love when he does that. I love when he does that.
16:06 Speaker 06 I love when he does that.
16:07 Speaker 07 Makes me laugh every time.
16:09 Speaker 02 It's not funny to me. Me, yeah. It's trauma.
16:14 Speaker 06 Can I ask you a question, brother?
16:15 Speaker 02 Trauma.
16:16 Speaker 06 I know, I know, I know.
16:17 Speaker 02 Go ahead.
16:17 Speaker 06 Where in your book about skateboarding is when Dad taught me how to use a pad?
16:25 Speaker 02 I'd like to actually.
16:26 Speaker 06 I'd like for you to read it because I think that's not your story to tell. So I'd like to hear your POV of it.
16:31 Speaker 02 It's also, it's advice. It's, I've gleaned advice through my life.
16:39 Speaker 02 This is a chapter called Red, White and Pad.
16:45 Speaker 07 So that's where it is.
16:49 Speaker 06 It's a full chapter.
16:53 Speaker 06 And you're skateboarding.
16:55 Speaker 02 And my skateboarding and life advice.
16:58 Speaker 02 Sometimes you complete a trick and sometime a trick completes you. Sometimes a trick takes years and years and years of hard work and dedication to figure out. And that trick is the greatest trick of all. The women's biology, the trick that God played on every woman. Men, if you're listening, be kind to your woman during this month. She doesn't know what she's up against and you don't either.
17:21 Speaker 06 It's every month. During this month.
17:23 Speaker 02 Can I finish? And also, men, if you're listening. Men, because I have an audiobook recorded. Okay.
17:30 Speaker 06 You wrote it for the audiobook.
17:32 Speaker 02 I wrote full audiobook. This is a transcript.
17:33 Speaker 06 And maybe in the second print, you can just make that a little bit different.
17:36 Speaker 02 I'm not changing my word.
17:37 Speaker 06 Right.
17:37 Speaker 02 I'm not changing it.
17:38 Speaker 06 Well, okay. Yeah, everyone's memory is different.
17:41 Speaker 02 Women, listen up. Be kind to your guy during your time too. You don't know what's happening. It's all hormonal.
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20:39 Speaker 07 You don't know what's happening. It's all hormonal.
20:43 Speaker 06 Who are you even talking to, son? Mommy, you taught him that. Didn't you? It's advice. I'm giving advice.
20:47 Speaker 07 I did, you sister. Where does it come from, Mom?
20:50 Speaker 06 You said, oh, they got the bloody reds again. They're being cuckoo, cuckoo.
20:54 Speaker 07 I did teach him that because it's important to know, for men to know, why we're crazy.
20:59 Speaker 06 Yes.
21:00 Speaker 07 It's important for men to know why, why these things happen. You know, I'd like to read my section of this book because I think, I think you'll find it interesting.
21:10 Speaker 00 Who's the best selling one of everyone? That's the real question.
21:13 Speaker 02 Weirdly, me, I think.
21:15 Speaker 07 I think so.
21:20 Speaker 00 Just wondering.
21:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, I'm not proud of it.
21:22 Speaker 07 Chapter 14, betrayal.
21:24 Speaker 02 Betrayal.
21:25 Speaker 07 Betrayal. My daughter couldn't wait until I was back in town to have her period.
21:36 Speaker 07 A period is supposed to be something for a mother and a daughter to share. I was so excited. I planned a party for the day I thought it would be. But she didn't have her period on that day. She had it early, when I was out of town. This is just one of many problems I have. How dare you!
21:56 Speaker 02 Is that the full chapter?
21:58 Speaker 07 That was so, that wasn't poetic. How dare you!
22:02 Speaker 02 I will say, I will say, honey, I do love how you end all your chapters. And by the way, that's not the end of it. And then you start with another chapter. You always go, this is one of many problems. Oh, and there's so much more. I love the way you do that.
22:14 Speaker 07 Are you worried people are gonna think that's the end of the book? Because the chapter's ending? I think it's important to communicate with people. I'm sorry, my period couldn't be- The book isn't quite over yet. I'm sorry, my period couldn't be on a perfect timer for you, Mom. And I'm sorry, my older sister was a little bit more perfect for you. I'm just saying that her period landed perfectly on her period party. And didn't you remember your period party? Wasn't it so fun? We got a Ferris wheel and, uh, and face paint and a clown?
22:43 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, we had a Ferris wheel and that clown.
22:46 Speaker 07 And you loved it, didn't you?
22:49 Speaker 00 I felt really crazy. I felt really embarrassed.
22:52 Speaker 02 Well, Shandy, read the excerpt. Because you wrote about the period party in your memoir.
22:58 Speaker 00 You read mine?
22:59 Speaker 02 Of course, sis.
23:00 Speaker 00 Thanks, brother. Absolutely. See, I've memorized the page because that's the one that really keeps me up at night. Chapter 26.
23:10 Speaker 07 Interesting.
23:12 Speaker 00 Mommy, what?
23:13 Speaker 02 Nothing.
23:15 Speaker 00 Mommy looked at me today again. And she's always thinking about my sister. What's her name?
23:22 Speaker 07 My name is Tilt, you bitch.
23:24 Speaker 00 Tilt. Tilt. Okay, Tilt. Sorry, I forgot.
23:33 Speaker 00 Mommy was always looking at-
23:36 Speaker 02 You just changed it last week. Don't be mad at us.
23:40 Speaker 00 I looked at Mommy, and the Ferris wheel was spinning wild behind her head. She- She didn't know how badly this party had made me feel. Daddy was gone with the band again. Brother and Tilt were nowhere to be found, as always. There was popcorn, candy, and all of my friends. They love me so much, they look at me like a mon idol. I got my period today and my mom said, congratulations, you're a woman. I said, you're the real woman, mommy, I love you and I'm sorry, my family's so weird. I'm sorry they're not here. And then all of a sudden.
24:14 Speaker 02 Pretty meandering.
24:15 Speaker 00 I looked up and I knew in that moment that despite all of the things in the Ferris wheel and all of the celebration and being the star child wouldn't make up for how little my other family who wasn't here thought of me.
24:28 Speaker 07 Oh.
24:28 Speaker 02 Oh, that's.
24:29 Speaker 00 That was the most sad day of my entire life. That was sad to see your life. Yes.
24:33 Speaker 07 Beautiful, and I just want to commend you for, you know, for putting it all out there and be so honest about, about where the pain comes from. It's, it's, you know, it's, it's tough to open your eyes sometimes to see yourself in print, but this is, I'm really proud of you for taking this step.
24:49 Speaker 00 Thank you. Sometimes the parties, it's not clear where the pain is.
24:52 Speaker 02 Sure.
24:52 Speaker 00 And the pain can be in the biggest party that's been thrown for you for all time and it can still be the worst day of your life.
24:58 Speaker 02 Can I be honest with you? Something maybe you guys don't know.
25:04 Speaker 02 Your mother wouldn't let me see you when you were on your periods.
25:09 Speaker 02 What? She said, she said, she's.
25:15 Speaker 02 I know. She said, the red monster, they will get you. She, she described you as monsters.
25:20 Speaker 07 Wait, daddy.
25:24 Speaker 07 So you weren't there?
25:25 Speaker 02 I believed her.
25:25 Speaker 07 But what about all the time you were going to war for a quick week?
25:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, that was fake. I was staying at the Ramada Inn downtown. You were lying about war? Well, I, I wasn't lying. To you, I could see you. We would go to the skate park. Yeah. Remember I taught you how to do a wheelie? Yeah, I remember how you taught me how to do a wheelie on a skateboard. Yeah. Which doesn't even make sense. No one's ever done it before. It's my own thing I figured out.
25:46 Speaker 07 I'm sorry I wouldn't let you see our daughters when they were on their periods.
25:51 Speaker 06 I have something I want to share from my book.
25:53 Speaker 02 I do want to hear a little bit of a justification real quick.
25:55 Speaker 06 Yes, yes.
25:56 Speaker 07 And the reason, of course,
26:00 Speaker 07 is because, because of our heritage.
26:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, sure.
26:06 Speaker 07 Have you heard the legend? In our village, your great, great, great, great, great grandmother lived in a village that believed a period monster would come into the night and steal the family's finances.
26:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:21 Speaker 07 I wanted to protect us. And if you were logging in and out of the bank account during the time of the month that our daughters were on their periods, well, who knows? We could have lost our house. We could have lost our house.
26:39 Speaker 02 Mom, this is a stretch. Also, I just-
26:42 Speaker 06 You're doing that Judy Garland thing.
26:43 Speaker 02 I do resent that it's my ancestors. You said it's my great, great, great, great grandmother.
26:49 Speaker 07 Your great, great, great, great grandmother.
26:50 Speaker 02 It's my fault I can't see my own daughters?
26:52 Speaker 07 She brought this plague upon us.
26:53 Speaker 02 My own daughters on their own periods. I can't even see them.
26:55 Speaker 07 She almost lost us our house.
26:57 Speaker 02 She was on her first row alone. You're doing the fake cry.
27:00 Speaker 06 You're doing the Garland, there's a tornado thing happening.
27:03 Speaker 02 And I'm over here teaching-
27:04 Speaker 07 This is real.
27:05 Speaker 02 I'm teaching Tilt how to use a feminine pad and I go, I gotta go right now. You, this is why, it might come up soon, I have to leave because I couldn't even be there when it was happening. Tilt, you wanted to read something?
27:15 Speaker 06 I mean, it's what he just explained.
27:17 Speaker 02 No, please, I want to hear it.
27:18 Speaker 06 No, you don't need to hear my POV. No, I like- No, no one needs to hear the like, the obvious little girl.
27:22 Speaker 02 I like the way you, you kind of put your words together in your book. I thought it was interesting. It's more poetic than-
27:26 Speaker 06 Well, if my brother wants to hear it, I'll read it for my brother.
27:29 Speaker 02 I want to hear it. Do.
27:30 Speaker 06 I'm open.
27:32 Speaker 07 I am open.
27:33 Speaker 06 I'm here, aren't I?
27:36 Speaker 02 I would say you asked us to sit on either side of you.
27:39 Speaker 06 What?
27:39 Speaker 02 You asked us, you sat in between.
27:41 Speaker 06 Well, I also asked to reschedule because I had my period last week and, and it's over now. And so we can all sit together.
27:48 Speaker 02 Okay, I just think she chose to sit with the parents thing is interesting.
27:52 Speaker 06 The scariest moment happens once a month when I lose control of my body. And somehow I lose my daddy every time.
28:04 Speaker 06 Why does dad go to war every time I don't feel well?
28:10 Speaker 06 And why does he come back and I feel better?
28:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:13 Speaker 06 Am I the reason he's gone? Do I cause war? Is the war inside me?
28:22 Speaker 06 Or is it outside? I was confused, mother. If you told me he was leaving, I thought I was the reason he was going.
28:30 Speaker 02 And I just, can I say, I loved how you wrote that chapter in the voice of your younger self. Really nice.
28:35 Speaker 07 Yeah.
28:36 Speaker 06 Well, I mean, that is one of the things about my piece is that it, it follows each year. And each chapter number correlates to the age I was. So chapter one is a couple goo goo gaga's, da da mama. And then chapter two.
28:51 Speaker 02 I like when you get to the future, when you're in chapter kind of forty, fifty.
28:55 Speaker 06 Yes, I just had AI take care of the rest of that. I love the future chapter.
28:59 Speaker 02 I didn't like what AI said about me.
29:01 Speaker 06 Well, get over it.
29:02 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:03 Speaker 07 I'd like to talk about something and it's, it's something that came up in all of our books, I believe. Because I, you know, I did my homework. I want to know. I, I read them all.
29:15 Speaker 06 I didn't know you read mine, mommy.
29:16 Speaker 07 Of course I did.
29:18 Speaker 06 Thank you.
29:18 Speaker 07 Of course I did, darling. It was very good.
29:20 Speaker 06 Thank you, thank you.
29:22 Speaker 07 I.
29:23 Speaker 02 Mommy's favorite.
29:24 Speaker 07 I want to talk about our appearance on the Jay Leno show.
29:31 Speaker 07 When we had a family band performance that, well, some people say was out of tune. And I believe it was because we were out of tune with each other leading up to the performance. And when they cut back to Jay after the performance was done, he said, "Whoa, all right." Which was something he's never said, you know? And it invoked sort of a feeling in all of our stomachs that wasn't right.
30:06 Speaker 02 I think it'd probably be best to watch the clip of that performance. Let's roll the clip of our performance.
30:13 Speaker 07 And we were singing, what were we singing? Banana pancakes?
30:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, we're singing Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes. Can't you see that it's just raining? Ain't no need to go outside. Can't you see that it's just raining? Ain't no need to go outside. Woof, all right.
30:40 Speaker 06 And whoever uploaded that to Vine, I didn't even know you could do that.
30:47 Speaker 02 Can I say something?
30:48 Speaker 06 Because that's what ruined us, I'll say it, is when it went viral on Vine. Sorry, same brother.
30:54 Speaker 02 To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I remember it being. It was fine. It was fine. We were singing the cover of Vine. I thought it was fun.
31:02 Speaker 06 I don't think it was good.
31:03 Speaker 02 Can I read? I'd like to read my excerpt from that experience. "One of my favorite experiences was going to Burbank, California and seeing the one and only Jay Leno. I had a wonderful time with my gorgeous family. We sang one of my favorite songs of all time, Jack Johnson. Backstage, I met Kevin Eubanks. I even said to Jay, 'Hey, why don't you ask me one of those jaywalking questions?'" He said, "No, you looks like you'd answer all of them right. You look like a smart guy." "Hoo wee." Jay Leno called me a smart guy. After then, we went to Claim Jumper. Tilt got on the scale and weighed the exact weight of her meal. And so we actually didn't have to pay for it. Then we stopped by the Warner Brothers lot. We all sat on the friend's couch and had such a fun time.
31:50 Speaker 06 Who wants to read theirs next?
31:52 Speaker 02 Exactly how I remember it.
31:53 Speaker 00 Of the same moment, someone could.
31:55 Speaker 02 Same moment.
31:56 Speaker 00 Of the same moment.
31:57 Speaker 02 I'll, I'll go.
31:58 Speaker 00 Okay.
32:04 Speaker 02 Sometimes when you're on a longboard, it's all smooth sailing. And sometimes you hit a crack and hit the curb. Men, if this happens to you, get up and shake it off. And ladies, if you're looking for a good guy, look no further than Jay Leno himself.
32:24 Speaker 02 This was a moment that defined the rest of my life in a negative way. From this moment, I would always be hurt, always be shaken, always be broken, always be looking for something that answers the central question. Am I good enough for this world or will my legacy die? Just like every skateboard I've ever owned, broken on an ollie. Ladies, if you're looking for advice on how to get guys, look no further. You, did you know that 90% of women are single? You gotta put yourself out there. This feels like a couple of books in one.
33:00 Speaker 06 This is a few different books in one.
33:02 Speaker 02 If you see a guy that's in pain, be the first one to go talk to him. It's actually more important than you think.
33:10 Speaker 02 To be continued.
33:12 Speaker 02 Why are you surprised? I pitched it. I didn't know that they added that. I said, big letter to be continued, dot, dot, dot. And you turn the page and there it is.
33:24 Speaker 00 So you have a ghostwriter?
33:25 Speaker 02 Yeah. No, not a ghostwriter.
33:26 Speaker 06 You sound like a ghost room.
33:27 Speaker 00 What do you mean?
33:28 Speaker 02 No, no, no, not a ghostwriter.
33:29 Speaker 00 You're pitching?
33:30 Speaker 02 Not a good.
33:30 Speaker 00 Cause some of us wrote our whole thing ourselves and just toiled over years and years.
33:36 Speaker 02 I always taught you to work hard.
33:37 Speaker 00 And you said you pitched it.
33:38 Speaker 02 I'm all, I'm writing everything. I'm just audio writing it.
33:41 Speaker 06 You said that about your algebra homework and it didn't make sense.
33:44 Speaker 02 I'm writing my audio, I'm audio recording my algebra homework. Like I said, two plus two equals four. A plus B equals C. So if you take the C and divide it each by two, you're gonna get A over two, plus B over two, equals C over two.
33:58 Speaker 00 Equals 90% of women.
33:59 Speaker 06 And are single.
34:00 Speaker 02 So, and that's
34:01 Speaker 06 Wow.
34:01 Speaker 02 It's true. I looked it up.
34:03 Speaker 06 Based on?
34:04 Speaker 02 Based on science?
34:05 Speaker 06 Okay, I didn't know. No, I'm not a scientist. I'm a writer because I wrote every word of this.
34:10 Speaker 02 Always has to be funny and can't be smart.
34:11 Speaker 00 I love when he does that.
34:18 Speaker 00 Remember when we got him that big ceramic banana and he used to walk around with it? Yes, yes.
34:23 Speaker 02 Monkey boy with his big ceramic banana.
34:25 Speaker 00 And he put you in an adult diaper. That was funny. The little bell. Yeah, we put a big bell on your neck.
34:31 Speaker 07 Remember when you would walk in and go, who clogged the toilet again? And you'd go into monkey mode?
34:34 Speaker 02 Monkey boy.
34:35 Speaker 00 And you'd be on the skateboard going. Yeah, that was funny.
34:38 Speaker 02 Funny for you.
34:41 Speaker 06 I love, I miss that so much.
34:43 Speaker 00 I miss monkey boy. AI could do that. AI could give me monkey boy.
34:47 Speaker 02 No, don't ask AI to give you monkey boy. Bad things happen.
34:51 Speaker 06 If you upload a picture of them and do that on, yeah, and the AI will do it and it worked very well.
34:58 Speaker 00 It worked.
34:59 Speaker 02 Well, does anybody else have a memoir of the Jay Leno experience that we went through?
35:05 Speaker 07 I thought you'd never ask.
35:09 Speaker 07 Chapter 16. This is gonna hurt. Wow, just wow. By the way, the book isn't over yet.
35:20 Speaker 07 I worked my butt off sending headshots to Burbank, California so that my family could have a wonderful time. And this is the thanks I get? This is the thanks I get? Just a breakfast in bed? This is the thanks I get? It's my birthday. And that's it? That's all I get? What? Shouldn't it be more? Shouldn't it be more? Why? Why on earth? Did I do this? I am a sacrificial lamb.
35:54 Speaker 02 Oh, is that the title of the book?
35:58 Speaker 00 Like to put it in some down.
36:00 Speaker 07 And that's just one of the many problems I had about that.
36:06 Speaker 02 Such short chapters.
36:08 Speaker 06 Was that the final chapter of the book? Because you didn't say.
36:11 Speaker 07 That was the one of the problems I had about that.
36:14 Speaker 06 Yeah.
36:15 Speaker 07 And that's how I end every chapter. And then, well, so.
36:18 Speaker 06 My bad, my bad.
36:19 Speaker 07 No, so if you had read to chapter seventeen, you would know that starts going, by the way, it isn't over yet. Look, I, um, I felt tired and disrespected on that trip. I did. I felt disrespected because I wanted to, you know, do some extra stuff on Jay Leno and, and nobody wanted to do the extra stuff.
36:39 Speaker 02 You wanted to do stand up, mom. And it just wasn't there yet. We kept on telling you, your type five was very loose.
36:46 Speaker 06 I know. Well, you begged Jay and it was so uncomfortable for us. We were just kids and we had to see you like.
36:53 Speaker 07 And all you had to do was sit there and laugh.
36:56 Speaker 06 Make out with him was so disgusting.
36:57 Speaker 02 You said, I'll, I'll make out with you if you let me do my type five.
37:01 Speaker 06 It's in front of dad. Like, it was so weird.
37:03 Speaker 00 Kept it loose.
37:04 Speaker 02 It was so loose.
37:05 Speaker 06 Rough.
37:06 Speaker 02 And it was also very, it was almost Bob Newhart-esque. It was like a conversation between a, a milkman and a postman or something. I think we have a clip of it.
37:15 Speaker 02 Let's just watch a little clip of this stand up session. I filmed it on my BlackBerry.
37:19 Speaker 07 Now, Jay, Jay, I want you to listen to this. Jay, I want you to listen to this.
37:22 Speaker 02 Really, guys, I gotta go here.
37:23 Speaker 07 Jay, I want you to listen to this.
37:25 Speaker 02 Sorry.
37:25 Speaker 07 Jay, I want you to listen to this. So here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. The milkman turns to the paper boy and he says, I have three cans of milk. And the paper boy says, extra, extra. Read all about what? And the milkman says, well, I have three cans of milk. Won't you listen to me? Then a Jew, a Catholic and a Muslim walk into a bar and they ask the bartender, say, know where I can get some milk around here? They all go to a golf course. They're having a laugh. They're five drinks in, right? They're five drinks in. A woman walks by, a woman walks by. She is so beautiful. All the, the Jew, the Catholic, the Muslim, they all look at each other. They go, wow, wow, wow, wow. The milkman, the paper boy, they're off to the side. Now they're having their own internal dialogue.
38:10 Speaker 07 And then they're going, did you see the Yankees won today? I saw the Yankees won today. Now the Catholic overhears this and he said, you said the Yankees won today?
38:19 Speaker 02 Smith, I need to get out of my car. Get out of my car.
38:22 Speaker 06 Imagine watching your mom cheat on your dad in order to do that?
38:25 Speaker 02 Just to do setups?
38:27 Speaker 06 Just to do setups?
38:27 Speaker 02 Never hit a joke, just all setups?
38:29 Speaker 00 It was so humiliating for us.
38:32 Speaker 02 Hold on, how is that racist? No, Dad, no.
38:36 Speaker 06 You say you're a Democrat, but...
38:37 Speaker 02 How is that racist?
38:38 Speaker 06 Dad, no. Daddy?
38:41 Speaker 02 Just tell me how it's racist.
38:42 Speaker 06 Fucking asshole. Thank you, honey.
38:45 Speaker 02 Here we go.
38:45 Speaker 06 That's when we created... Fucking asshole. That's when we all started, remember? This is when we all decided to sleep on the bottom bunk together every night.
38:54 Speaker 02 Of our three bunk bed that I bought you guys.
38:56 Speaker 00 The twin, the twin, right? Twin size? It was so squished.
38:59 Speaker 06 And that's when we got really close. It was when there was a lot of... That's when you guys started fighting and it was, and it was hard.
39:05 Speaker 00 It was so hard. Head to foot. Head to foot. It was like sardines.
39:08 Speaker 06 It was like the scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
39:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, by choice, you had enough beds. You were all even in the same room.
39:15 Speaker 00 And you made me go in the middle. Which it's like the squishiest part that's the most uncomfortable.
39:20 Speaker 06 I remember, something I did read about your book, that wonderful chapter about being squished in the middle on the bed.
39:27 Speaker 00 You read that one?
39:28 Speaker 06 I did.
39:29 Speaker 00 Was that before or after you were fucking Jay Leno?
39:32 Speaker 06 Oh my God, Shandy.
39:33 Speaker 02 Don't talk shit. They just made out. They just made out.
39:36 Speaker 06 You know I have a sensitivity to that word.
39:38 Speaker 00 That's what she thinks. That's what you think of her.
39:40 Speaker 02 Tilt has a sensitivity to the word fuck.
39:44 Speaker 06 I will break out in hives.
39:45 Speaker 02 It hurts them physically.
39:46 Speaker 06 It hurts. The deeper the you, the harder it hurts.
39:51 Speaker 00 Is that okay to go ahead and read the part? Are you sure you all are okay with this?
39:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, go ahead, slander us.
39:57 Speaker 06 Please, I'd love to hear it.
39:58 Speaker 00 Because the word fuck isn't it a few times? Sorry, I could replace that with...
40:02 Speaker 02 No, she's gonna be okay.
40:03 Speaker 06 No, no, she has to learn.
40:05 Speaker 02 It's good for her.
40:06 Speaker 06 She has to learn.
40:07 Speaker 02 This word's everywhere. She's gonna have to get used to it.
40:10 Speaker 00 It is, it's in many places, especially if you're with mommy. Daddy.
40:15 Speaker 02 Why'd you say it?
40:16 Speaker 00 See, this is the thing that makes you and, oh yeah, it is.
40:20 Speaker 02 What? I didn't say, oh yeah.
40:21 Speaker 00 You did.
40:22 Speaker 02 What are you talking about?
40:24 Speaker 00 Shandy.
40:25 Speaker 02 I think you're inventing things now again.
40:27 Speaker 00 Mommy.
40:28 Speaker 07 It seems, it seems, okay.
40:30 Speaker 00 Don't be a fucking whore. Don't be.
40:31 Speaker 02 Whoa.
40:32 Speaker 07 Shandy! After all, I'm done for this family.
40:38 Speaker 02 She's trying to be edgy. She's trying to change.
40:41 Speaker 00 I don't want to crash out.
40:42 Speaker 07 Shandy's allowed to call you whore, mama, whore's a whore.
40:45 Speaker 02 Count to five, don't crash out.
40:46 Speaker 00 It's my memory of things.
40:48 Speaker 02 She's trying to be edgy now.
40:49 Speaker 07 Let Shandy read!
40:50 Speaker 00 It is my memory of things and everybody's memory is different.
40:56 Speaker 02 She's actually beautiful.
40:57 Speaker 07 Fine, Shandy, go ahead and read your passage.
41:00 Speaker 00 Thank you.
41:01 Speaker 02 It's my memory of things and everybody's different. Of course. Like I said, it was being played on K-Rock every day.
41:06 Speaker 00 One of our originals.
41:07 Speaker 07 Shandy, please, let Shandy read!
41:09 Speaker 02 Kevin and B could not get enough of our slop ballad on K-R-O-Q, K-Rock. Everybody's memories are very good too.
41:17 Speaker 07 They loved it.
41:18 Speaker 02 Dude.
41:19 Speaker 07 I think it would be really nice.
41:20 Speaker 02 Psycho Mike loved it!
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42:26 Speaker 02 I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I spoke with Dr. Lara Jayhai of Cleveland Clinic about how advanced computing is helping shorten the path from medical discovery to treatment.
42:39 Speaker 06 The moment that there is a compound that someone in a lab thinks it would be effective to treat a certain disease, it takes about 10 to 13 years from that moment to when that drug is on a shelf for a patient. A big part of that gap could be computationally solved. Better simulation of compounds, designing drug trials that are more efficient, that would finish faster. That was the motivation to bring computational tools and technology closer to biomedical researchers.
43:14 Speaker 02 Learn more about how Cleveland Clinic and IBM are using AI and quantum computing to revolutionize biomedical research at ibm.com/smarttalks.
43:32 Speaker 06 Brother, brother.
43:32 Speaker 02 We have to hear this excerpt. No, I don't want to do it if nobody else wants to hear it. Jed's catch of the day. Jed the fish's catch of the day.
43:40 Speaker 06 You said K-Rock, and he lit up.
43:45 Speaker 06 It's like you drank four cups of coffee just now. Okay, I mean, that is my favorite ballad that we ever did, and it would be really neat if we could all do it together again one day. Yeah. Only if we totally agreed. On everything.
43:56 Speaker 02 Read it. Read it before I go off on K-Rock. I have four chapters about that radio station.
44:01 Speaker 06 Don't. Fuck, man. Fuck.
44:05 Speaker 06 Here we are again on the bottom bunk of, sorry, I need my glasses.
44:09 Speaker 07 It's okay, you can say-
44:10 Speaker 06 Please don't start over. Please don't start over. I've been writing this for a really long time.
44:13 Speaker 07 No, say it from the top so that we all know.
44:14 Speaker 06 I couldn't, I read it wrong. I said, "Fuck, fuck." But it's actually, should I change the word?
44:21 Speaker 02 No, no, keep going.
44:22 Speaker 07 No, she has to learn.
44:23 Speaker 06 Sorry, but I just need to stay like my own feelings.
44:25 Speaker 02 We can't take that on, yeah, yeah.
44:26 Speaker 06 Fuck, man, fuck.
44:29 Speaker 02 It's fine, keep going.
44:30 Speaker 06 I'm here, are you sure daddy? I'm here again in the bunk with them. They think it's fun.
44:40 Speaker 06 They think it's fun, and it used to be. When his feet were in my face, all I saw were the toenails.
44:49 Speaker 06 When the toenails are in front of my eyes.
44:52 Speaker 02 Just can't get a read again. Is it sad or is it happy?
44:56 Speaker 06 It's, you'll see when I-
44:58 Speaker 07 Books are either one or the other.
44:59 Speaker 06 It's a memory, so it doesn't have to be funny or sad to be written about, it's my memory.
45:04 Speaker 02 Don't start over.
45:04 Speaker 06 The toenails, fuck, fuck, man, I'm here again in this- I feel like I should stop.
45:11 Speaker 02 No, keep going.
45:12 Speaker 07 No, no. Please, just try-
45:14 Speaker 06 Okay, okay, you guys, okay, I'm gonna do it. Fuck, fuck, man. I'm here again in this bunk, fuck, fuck, fuck, man.
45:27 Speaker 06 I'm here in this bunk with them again.
45:30 Speaker 06 His toenails-
45:34 Speaker 02 His toenails, what about his toenails? I have to know if this is positive or negative.
45:38 Speaker 07 Darling, this is prose we have to hear.
45:40 Speaker 06 His toenails are in front of my two eyes. When I look at them closely, they remind me of knives.
45:47 Speaker 02 Beautiful prose.
45:48 Speaker 06 He doesn't clip them enough. And sometimes I think that's funny, like when they scratch me on the cheek and they tickle me while I sleep.
45:56 Speaker 02 Again, negative, positive.
45:57 Speaker 06 And sometimes I think maybe he's threatening my eyes. So to speak.
46:02 Speaker 07 Thank god it's over.
46:03 Speaker 06 No, it's not.
46:06 Speaker 06 I hope we got a TV in here soon.
46:10 Speaker 02 There it is, then it's over.
46:12 Speaker 07 No, it's over. No, it's over.
46:15 Speaker 06 And I can watch a screen instead of his weird feet.
46:18 Speaker 02 Wow.
46:18 Speaker 07 No, can I ask-
46:19 Speaker 02 That was so brave to share.
46:21 Speaker 07 That was so brave to share.
46:23 Speaker 02 I can't believe that got in the memoir.
46:24 Speaker 07 Honey, your trauma is so valid and this, it's very powerful stuff and I wonder if your brother's ever apologized to you.
46:33 Speaker 02 I couldn't tell if that was trauma or a happy memory. I was so in the middle.
46:37 Speaker 06 It's more about mommy and daddy because they didn't teach you to clip your toenails and they didn't teach you- Uncapped. He was unkept. And who was in the squishy middle of the unkeptness on my left and my right?
46:48 Speaker 07 Honey, I told you he's monkey boy. He could have possibly-
46:51 Speaker 02 Oh, monkey boy.
46:52 Speaker 07 He's monkey boy.
46:53 Speaker 02 He's monkey. Everything I'm shaving.
46:55 Speaker 07 How long to be here?
46:58 Speaker 02 Eat the banana in front of camera. Amazing.
47:03 Speaker 07 But mom, I think Shandy has a good point. I think you guys have a weird way-
47:07 Speaker 02 What was the point?
47:08 Speaker 07 That men are disgusting and women are viruses.
47:12 Speaker 02 Well, here's something I did want to bring up that I'm kind of embarrassed about. I-
47:16 Speaker 06 Don't be.
47:17 Speaker 02 Know that it's in all of your memoirs. There was a time we took a trip to Aruba. We all shared a hotel room. I didn't know you guys were in the room. I came out of the shower, I was naked. And somehow, my description, the description of seeing me naked is in all of your books. It was, yeah. It's not very nice. I think it's, I didn't know that that was such a core memory for you guys. I was literally just putting on my bathing suit, about to go snorkeling.
47:39 Speaker 06 You see that Volta article that put all of our interpretations of his body from all of our memoirs up together?
47:44 Speaker 07 Yeah. And then they put it in that word cloud where big bubbles-
47:49 Speaker 02 The words that were used the most were the biggest.
47:51 Speaker 07 Disgusting, horrendous, scary.
47:53 Speaker 02 Crooked.
47:54 Speaker 07 Trauma. Crooked.
47:56 Speaker 06 One ball.
47:56 Speaker 02 One ball was huge.
47:58 Speaker 07 One ball was huge.
47:58 Speaker 02 You all used one ball. That was the one connector. Why'd you guys have to put that in? You know, I wish you would have told me that you were talking about my wiener in your books, you know? I think that, I didn't know that was a huge deal, you know?
48:09 Speaker 06 I don't know. People didn't only have one ball because of that moment. And so that's a big sexuality line in my book.
48:15 Speaker 02 Oh, it was a sexual awakening to see that I had one ball?
48:18 Speaker 06 Yeah, because I never want to see that again. Then when I saw the next person that had two, I went, whoa, daddy.
48:23 Speaker 02 Sounds like a bit of a sexual darkening for you.
48:25 Speaker 06 Yeah.
48:27 Speaker 00 Was not an awakening. From me, I just want to clarify that.
48:31 Speaker 06 And that's what happens with humans, right? Something happens and it all ripples in a different way.
48:36 Speaker 02 All right.
48:36 Speaker 06 Did you write about it in your book, Dad?
48:38 Speaker 02 No, I didn't bring that up. I brought, I brought up that one time we all went to the Bob's Big Boy Classic Car Show and sat around and we, remember we took a picture with the hot rod? Yeah, how could I forget? That was awesome. How did you write in your book? Oh, gosh. Boy, oh, boy, what a wonderful day. Went over down to Bob's Big Boy, saw all the classic cars, didn't even know what was happening. Got a classic chocolate malt, reminded me of getting chocolate malts with my dad. And I'm glad I got to share with my kids. Uh oh, what's this? A big old classic car? They even brought the car from Batman. It really got Tilt excited. And how is your book the most sold book? It sounds like an old man's blog.
49:19 Speaker 07 The Urban Outfitters customer is not this voice.
49:23 Speaker 02 I don't know. I mean, I want to shout out the people that, you know, put all the cool picture collages together. I think it's mostly collages. There was a teenager that's really popular on Tumblr that did it and it's been really fun. I don't know. I think we all know why it went so popular.
49:40 Speaker 07 Yeah.
49:40 Speaker 02 It's because we're only in the second half of your book. The first half of your book is when you traveled the world with those three people before you met mom. And your trials and tribulations on the quest to find yourself.
49:53 Speaker 06 That's why we think it's selling.
49:55 Speaker 02 Well, so, yes.
49:56 Speaker 07 That's why we think it's selling.
49:58 Speaker 02 The first half of my book being, you know, about being one of the founding members of the Source Family, a very famous cult. Yeah, sure. You know, we moved to Hawaii and then the cult leader died because he said, God will save me. And he fell off a hang glider and died. That's real, you know, that's, that, I was there for that and that was part of what happened for me. But, but this is my life. This is the life I care about. I love you guys. I love you. I miss you, honey. Where do you even live?
50:25 Speaker 07 I miss you, honey. I'm in Temecula. Where are you?
50:28 Speaker 02 Oh, I'm in Riverside.
50:29 Speaker 07 What?
50:30 Speaker 02 Not too far.
50:31 Speaker 07 That's too far.
50:32 Speaker 02 But not too close either. It's not, it's not, nothing, you know? Just a long enough of a drive.
50:37 Speaker 07 Shoot, it's, it's just not going to work. It's just not going to work, unfortunately. But no, it is nice to see this family together again. I, I want to share a different chapter that I wrote.
50:50 Speaker 07 It's called pain.
50:52 Speaker 02 Oh.
50:53 Speaker 07 The year is 2013. A flash mob is appearing outside the Americana at Brand. "I think I want to marry you," they say. But all I can say is, "I wish I had remarried my family when it counted." "I wish I had been there for them. Wish I hadn't been there so selfish all the time. Wish I hadn't been thinking about me."
51:17 Speaker 06 Realization she's having it.
51:19 Speaker 02 While living at the Americana at Brand.
51:21 Speaker 06 It makes you, you can't really be mad at her.
51:24 Speaker 07 I wish, I wish I had a second chance. But no, I think I'll just write this memoir. Get attention that way. But no, it won't work. Because the true thing I want is forgiveness. I was a bad family man, band, band manager. A momager, so to speak. Ha ha. Look, I gotta figure this out. I gotta clear my head. I gotta clear my head.
51:54 Speaker 02 Going sad. Sounds like she's gonna do something.
51:58 Speaker 07 I have to do, I have to do something. Hold on. I'm not done with this, I'm not done with this book yet. Wait right here.
52:05 Speaker 06 Wait, this is crazy, Mom. I'm sorry.
52:08 Speaker 07 Is that the end?
52:09 Speaker 02 That was the end of the book.
52:10 Speaker 07 At the end for now. Wait right here.
52:12 Speaker 06 Oh, I love that.
52:13 Speaker 07 Wait right here. I'm not done writing the book. Wait right here.
52:19 Speaker 02 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, partner. I know you're enjoying the episode, but there's something else you might enjoy. You see these hats that make us look like we work on set somewhere?
52:29 Speaker 07 You might like these hats if you're a fan of the pod. And if you're a fan of the pod, you can wear the pod with merch.
52:37 Speaker 02 Yes, but cool merch. Merch that doesn't tell anyone that you like the pod. Except for someone else who likes the pod. We have shirts and we have hats that have all different things on them, like TV shows.
52:48 Speaker 07 Internet videos.
52:49 Speaker 02 Movies. This one's bagged, so I could send it right to you if you buy it.
52:54 Speaker 07 You can buy that one. If you want this hat in a bag, you can order it at artistonartis on artist on artist.com. And while you're on our website, sign our guestbook.
53:03 Speaker 02 Come on and play some games. I think we got a watermelon drop on there.
53:07 Speaker 07 Come on. Come on.
53:09 Speaker 02 Enjoy the rest of the episode and give your friends a kiss.
53:16 Speaker 06 And the second book that I'm going to release is about my journey to forgiveness.
53:21 Speaker 02 Wow.
53:21 Speaker 06 This is my journey to apology and self-actualization. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't let you in the house when they were on their periods. I'm sorry. A lot of this was period stuff, and I'm sorry about all of it. And I'm sorry that I forced you to play in a band that, well, sucked. This is crazy, Mom, because I have a chapter in my book called "Pain" that I'd like to read for you guys.
53:52 Speaker 02 Go ahead, Till.
53:54 Speaker 06 I'm just inspired, of course. Holy moly.
54:01 Speaker 06 Holy darn moly. Look at the debris on the ground of all the lives I've lived.
54:10 Speaker 06 Sometimes...
54:12 Speaker 02 You read yours, it's an expert. You gotta let her speak.
54:14 Speaker 06 I'm so sorry. Had a cough thing.
54:23 Speaker 07 Go ahead, dear.
54:24 Speaker 06 I do, I too, want forgiveness.
54:29 Speaker 02 I just...
54:30 Speaker 06 It feels like everyone does, right?
54:33 Speaker 02 I'm right here, Till.
54:35 Speaker 06 You've all been clear-throated this whole time.
54:40 Speaker 02 I think I've been scratchy the whole time, honestly.
54:42 Speaker 07 There's been a tickle.
54:44 Speaker 02 Just imagine you're at the Elkslog. You can't get us through a single thing without everyone clearing their throats.
54:48 Speaker 06 To me, to me.
54:48 Speaker 02 Just don't let them be a stop. Elkslogs, I always listen to Jack F.
54:53 Speaker 06 I miss my family. I wish my family would still love me. I guess, in writing this book, I guess, in writing this book,
55:04 Speaker 06 I found myself back to where I began, like a dog chasing its tail.
55:10 Speaker 06 I miss them. I miss their disgusting toenails.
55:14 Speaker 02 I didn't know I had toenails.
55:16 Speaker 06 Doesn't sound like something's in your throat.
55:17 Speaker 07 That's not your fault.
55:23 Speaker 06 I miss them every day.
55:24 Speaker 07 Do you want some throat coat?
55:25 Speaker 06 Yes, please. Some days I dream of a moment where we can all be together and just air out our grievances and forgivances.
55:36 Speaker 06 Wow, wow. The run, the river runs dry.
55:41 Speaker 07 Milkman said to the paper boy, what a pair of legs on that thing. That's what you need to throw up!
55:47 Speaker 02 Honestly, no, that is clearing her throat. Sometimes she gets jokes stuck in her throat. I swear to God. Sometimes I was trying to go to sleep. The joke was, look at the legs on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I'll be in the middle of the night and she'll go, oh, good night. And she'll just scream like, and the doctor was a woman!
56:01 Speaker 07 The doctor was a woman!
56:02 Speaker 02 That's the answer of a riddle.
56:03 Speaker 00 And sorry, why did you write the legs on that girl? Why did you say that at the end? Because I couldn't quite follow the beginning because I was, had a little thing.
56:13 Speaker 06 Well, I was saying something similar to mom that I thought, that I wanted forgiveness. And I, and I'm saying, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a family member that everyone kind of equally disliked.
56:23 Speaker 00 It's okay.
56:24 Speaker 02 It's not your fault.
56:25 Speaker 06 I'm sorry I was a family member that everyone wishes they just like, I'm sorry, I'm the family member who can't sell a damn copy of her book.
56:31 Speaker 02 Look, listen, hey, Tilly, it's not your fault that we do all feel those things. It's not your fault that that's exactly who you are.
56:38 Speaker 00 It's totally fine.
56:40 Speaker 02 It's fine.
56:40 Speaker 07 It's not your fault.
56:41 Speaker 00 You didn't be like this on purpose. You didn't be like this on purpose.
56:45 Speaker 06 Honey, you were born this way.
56:48 Speaker 07 Unlikable?
56:49 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah.
56:50 Speaker 00 Which is great for my book and all our books. And if we could cut that, that part would be great. But off camera, I do want to say that everything about you that isn't great is helpful to sell books.
57:02 Speaker 00 Did anyone else ask for forgiveness in their book?
57:04 Speaker 07 I actually have a chapter called Pain too.
57:08 Speaker 02 Awesome.
57:08 Speaker 07 Like mother, like kids.
57:11 Speaker 00 Oh, did everyone read my book? Copy me?
57:14 Speaker 07 No.
57:15 Speaker 02 I think Pain's a pretty common name of a memoir title.
57:17 Speaker 07 Sure, sure. I think it's parallel thought. Totally interesting.
57:20 Speaker 00 Fucking assholes.
57:25 Speaker 02 Sometimes life hits you in the face like a skateboard that's just flown off of a half-pipe. Sometimes, you have to listen to that skateboard.
57:34 Speaker 02 It was when I was listening to KROQ 106.7, the only channel in Los Angeles that plays classic, modern, and new age rock. Talking anywhere from-
57:46 Speaker 07 104.3 also-
57:47 Speaker 02 Is this sponsored? 104.3 does not play the type of music that 106.7, this is all in my book. Not hearing any coughs, guys. Not hearing one cough- Hey, your brother is speaking!
57:55 Speaker 06 Come on, come on!
57:58 Speaker 02 And when that skateboard, it was that day that I was listening, that beautiful song from POD came on, called "Youth of the Nation." And the lines go, "We are, we are, the youth of the nation." Made me realize that the nation does exist in the youth. What? And the youth does describe the nation. And I had things that I need to apologize for. Man, if you're listening, I hope you become a guy- You mean reading?
58:27 Speaker 02 Kinda like my father. An amazing man- who did amazing things in his life. And a shadow I'm constantly trying to chase. And women, if you're listening, I hope you become a little bit like the women in my life. Cause if you're looking to score with a guy and put out the right way, dang, these chicks in my life really know how to do that.
58:54 Speaker 07 What, your mom? Your sisters? Your two sisters?
58:59 Speaker 06 My mom certainly does.
59:00 Speaker 02 I don't know, I don't wanna be weird.
59:02 Speaker 06 Hold on!
59:03 Speaker 02 I don't wanna be weird. But let's just say, my sisters could get anything they wanted. And boy, did they. And my mom?
59:10 Speaker 06 It's disgusting. Boy, did we-
59:13 Speaker 02 Not, son, stop!
59:14 Speaker 06 And he knows that, I can't.
59:15 Speaker 02 Who we. Who we? Who we, who we. Who are we? I guess in the end, life is a little bit like this.
59:25 Speaker 02 I'm not a perfect person. There's things I wouldn't change. This is Hoobastang?
59:31 Speaker 02 I guess, the reason, I found a reason for me.
59:37 Speaker 02 The reason I choose to be- It's just Hoobastang socks. The reason- Hey, let him finish! It's a lyric! New. And the reason is my family. Hoobastang, kind of.
59:51 Speaker 02 I took liberty and changed the end. Oh, it says at the end like a quote? Who must think kind of? I took liberty and changed the last of the words. Oh, cool. The end. Keep writing. Here's my number.
1:00:04 Speaker 07 You gave your phone number out.
1:00:06 Speaker 02 Because I love this family. I love my mommy. I love my biggie sissy. I love my daddy. And I love my tilt. And I think we should all write a memoir together. Called Bringing It Back Home. And maybe instead of a memoir, we sing it.
1:00:25 Speaker 06 I was gonna say, what if instead of a memoir, it's a song?
1:00:30 Speaker 07 Yeah.
1:00:30 Speaker 02 Just like every good memoir. Should just be a song. Let's just make it a song. Ready?
1:00:35 Speaker 06 Let's make it a song. Can't you see that it's just raining?
1:00:40 Speaker 02 Hold up. Sun's out.
1:00:43 Speaker 06 Ain't no need to go outside.
1:00:45 Speaker 02 Yes, there is, cuz it's sunny.
1:00:49 Speaker 06 Can't you see that it's just raining?
1:00:52 Speaker 02 But what if it's sunny?
1:00:54 Speaker 06 Ain't no need to go outside.
1:00:57 Speaker 02 Unless you wanna have a perfect day.
1:00:59 Speaker 06 Can't you say that mama, mama made a baby? Those babies had brains. Baby's got to save me. Sister put out good. You saw it all good. Yeah.
1:01:19 Speaker 02 This fucking sucks. I hate this family.
1:01:22 Speaker 06 I am giving everything to you. I was trying.
1:01:25 Speaker 02 Oh, guys.
1:01:27 Speaker 06 You were trying. Yeah, I even included the fucking weird put out thing you said about your fucking sister. Why are you all the fucking?
1:01:34 Speaker 02 Guys, no. Guys, oh my goodness.
1:01:38 Speaker 06 No one likes me, it's so clear I'm unlikable.
1:01:40 Speaker 02 Oh, my god. You're unlikable because you do it to yourself.
1:01:43 Speaker 06 And you're jealous that everybody loves me and throws me. Me a Ferris wheel party while I have my fucking period bitch. You fucking whore. And I hate your kids. And I hate your fucking Melinda, whatever her name is. Don't remember. She's boring.
1:01:58 Speaker 02 I think we should move back in together.
1:02:00 Speaker 06 I am far away.
1:02:02 Speaker 02 Ladies, ladies, ladies. I love you.
1:02:04 Speaker 06 I can't be there.
1:02:06 Speaker 02 If you're single, I got something for you.
1:02:09 Speaker 06 Barnes and Noble right now. Come on over and hear about it.
1:02:13 Speaker 02 Guys, they've started selling my book. It's Zoomies 2. Get on over there. Buy yourself a hoodie that zips all the way around and buy my book too.
1:02:22 Speaker 06 To me, to me, published by me.
1:02:27 Speaker 06 I forgot the name of my book because it's fake because I didn't write a book. It's a piece of shit.
1:02:31 Speaker 02 Oh. And ladies, if you're looking for dating advice, look no further than Skateboard Dreams. I'm going to really help you out and reach out. Guys, I have a reservation for five at Mel's Drive-In on Hollywood and Highland.
1:02:44 Speaker 06 Let's go.
1:02:46 Speaker 02 This has been Artist on Artist on Artist on Artist. Is it a question? Now that's why they call it showbiz. Give it up for our wonderful guest.
1:02:52 Speaker 06 Anna Gonka.
1:02:53 Speaker 00 Thank you for having me. You guys are so funny.
1:02:55 Speaker 02 You have a real book to tell.
1:02:56 Speaker 06 A real memoir.
1:02:57 Speaker 00 I do, actually.
1:02:58 Speaker 06 Can you tell them it?
1:02:59 Speaker 02 Please plug, please.
1:03:00 Speaker 00 Well, now it's so awkward to say.
1:03:03 Speaker 06 Just say it and we'll cut.
1:03:04 Speaker 00 It's actually so crazy.
1:03:07 Speaker 06 It is a crazy thing to do.
1:03:08 Speaker 00 Because it's so serious also. I mean, it's funny, I guess, but it's sad also.
1:03:11 Speaker 06 We're linking all the info about her book in the description.
1:03:15 Speaker 02 It's so good.
1:03:16 Speaker 06 Just, she's the shit.
1:03:17 Speaker 02 It's so funny for her to do a full memoir panel and they go, actually, I have one.
1:03:21 Speaker 06 I actually do have one.
1:03:22 Speaker 00 It's actually a crazy thing to do. This is making me realize it would have been so much more brilliant to do a satire memoir that seems totally real. So that's what it is.
1:03:31 Speaker 02 It's so good.
1:03:32 Speaker 06 Go check it out, you guys.
1:03:33 Speaker 02 But the same one, it's so good. You have to go check it out.
1:03:36 Speaker 06 Thanks to the beautiful Dynasty.
1:03:38 Speaker 02 Ty Prager.
1:03:40 Speaker 06 We'll see you guys later. Bye.
1:03:42 Speaker 02 Bye. Artist on Artist on Artist on Artist is an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast created and hosted by.
1:03:48 Speaker 04 Hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana, and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Media Podcasts. Executive produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laser Vision Productions. Music by Gabriel Ponton and edited by Conner McCabe. Funnel art by Josh Florrie and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz. Special thanks to Samuel Curtis and the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater. The opinions expressed on this podcast do not reflect the opinions of anyone who works on it, not even the performers, because this is an improvised podcast and we don't know what the heck we're talking about. Full video versions of A O A O A are available on YouTube, so please like and subscribe
1:04:30 Speaker 04 and leave us five-star reviews wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for now. Good night Hollywood.
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1:06:26 Speaker 03 She's been thinking about this sleepover all week, but I think about her food allergies all the time. Fortunately, her doctor prescribed Zolair, omalizumab. It's proven to significantly reduce allergic reactions if a food allergy accident happens.
1:06:39 Speaker 00 Zolir 150mg is a prescription medication used to treat food allergy in people one year of age and older to reduce allergic reactions due to accidental exposure to one or more foods. While taking Zolir, you should continue to avoid all foods to which you are allergic. Don't use if you are allergic to Zolir. Zolir may cause a severe, life-threatening allergic reaction called anaphylaxis. Tell your doctor if you ever had anaphylaxis. Get help right away if you have trouble breathing or if you have swelling of your throat or tongue. Zolir should not be used for the emergency treatment of allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis. Zolir is for maintenance use to reduce allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis, while avoiding food allergens. Serious side effects such as cancer, fever, muscle aches and rash, parasitic infection, or heart and circulation problems have been reported. Please see zolir.com for full prescribing information. Ask an allergist about Zolir. This is an advertisement for Zolir,
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