TV Detectives (with Siobhan Thompson)

Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Adrien Monk, Jake Peralta. Detectives such as these have carved out a special place in TV that transcends genre, tone, and geography but are knit together by their main character’s raw detecting skills alone. Now a new era of fake detectives are ready to steal the spotlight and take Hollywood by storm, so this week we sat down with 5 of these trailblazers. We heard all about their shows, their approach to detecting, their sidekicks, and the drama behind the scenes that is juicier than anything you could write. So grab your chalk, outline your favorite watching buddy, and listen in! This week's guest is the inimitable writer and performer Siobhan Thompson. Check her out on Dimension 20, her monthly show Denouement at the Elysian, and on socials @vornietom MERCH HERE! https://artistsonartistsonartistsonartists.com/shop This episode was filmed in the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater, and tech-produced by Samuel Curtis. For live shows and events you can find more about them at dynastytypewriter.com. To learn more about the BTS of this episode and to find a world of challenges, games, inside scoop, and the Artists being themselves, subscribe to our Patreon! You won't be disappointed with what you find. Check out patreon.com/aoaoaoapod Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists is an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast Created and Hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell’s Big Money Players and iHeartMedia Podcasts. Executive Produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laservision Productions. Music By Gabriel Ponton, editing by Conner McCabe, and social media editing by Adam Keller. Thumbnails by Josh Fleury and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz. Hollywood's talking. Make sure you're listening. Subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Youtube! Please rate us five stars! See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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• 2:36Speaker 02

  Welcome back to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists. What's that I see? A clue? That's right. Today, we're talking to TV's and film's most famous detectives. Detective stories are a cornerstone of media, going all the way back hundreds and hundreds of years when people had mysteries and needed them solved. We sat down with some of the most iconic actors who play famous detectives and see what the real heart of the mystery is in their lives. So find that fingerprint, label that dead body and catch that killer. Let's listen in.

• 3:16Speaker 05

  Well, well, well, look who we all have here in a room. What a treat.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  Nice to be here.

• 3:22Speaker 05

  We never get to spend any time together at all. Especially before I go.

• 3:30Speaker 05

  Before you go.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Bring it up right away, huh?

• 3:32Speaker 05

  It's the elephant in the room. Yes, I'm sick.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  I wasn't gonna bring up the 25 nurses had to help you into your seat and all that stuff.

• 3:39Speaker 05

  Thank you, Miranda. Thank you, Jennifer.

• 3:44Speaker 05

  Well.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Dead.

• 3:51Speaker 05

  I wasn't gonna bring this up, but you have vowed to pass away on Christmas Day of this year. Yes, it's my favorite holiday, so I'll go out then.

• 4:02Speaker 05

  That's very exciting. Yes, especially I had no slated movies anymore. You ever feel like, once your slate's done, that's when you'll rest? And you did make so many Christmas movies. Yeah. Christmas Detectives, Murder at Christmas. Yes. So I thought one more and then we'll go.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  I guess I just wanted to check you wanted to do this. It sounds like you're so close to death.

• 4:25Speaker 05

  I, I, I don't feel well.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 4:29Speaker 05

  But I'll be fine. I just have to get through what? Those next 40 minutes?

• 4:34Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 4:35Speaker 05

  Sure, of course.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Did you sign a will already? I bet we all have episodes of our shows with the wills and stuff. Genius.

• 4:42Speaker 05

  I'm sure if I die, it'll be good because we'll be rolling. So there won't be any funny business and none of you will have to figure out who killed me. But God himself. The ultimate murderer. Did I take down the vibes right up at the top?

• 4:56Speaker 02

  You said you're gonna die.

• 4:58Speaker 05

  You said you were gonna pass away. We wanted to give it the gravitas that it deserved. Let's go around and say our names, please.

• 5:07Speaker 02

  Great. Hi, my name is Greg McGuy. I am on STFNY. I am a detective for TV, sometimes film, if we get that hour episode, if you know what I'm talking about. What's STF stand for? STF stands for Shut the Front New York.

• 5:26Speaker 05

  Shut the front New York. Shut the front New York.

• 5:31Speaker 02

  Because you guys, if you watch the show, you'd understand it. There's always something going on with the doors in our thing. So we're always trying to shut the front of New York down because there's a lot of bodies to deal with in New York.

• 5:43Speaker 05

  And then obviously you did launch the STF LA, STF Miami.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  STF NY Miami. STF Kansas City, I saw. Yeah, it's great. It's great. All these spin offs are great and I'm in at least 15 episodes of every single show we do.

• 5:59Speaker 05

  I thought STF Island was crazy because there's no doors on Island.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  And there's no specific island.

• 6:05Speaker 05

  Just generalized islands. Catalina, the Channel Islands.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  We're all over those islands.

• 6:12Speaker 05

  American Virgin Islands. Aruba.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  Same detectives, new island, every episode.

• 6:18Speaker 05

  Expensive. Most expensive television show ever made. How old are you, young kid?

• 6:22Speaker 02

  I'm, thank you. I'm actually 45.

• 6:25Speaker 05

  That's young to me.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 6:27Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  Thank you. And again, I'm so sorry you're gonna die. So sorry.

• 6:32Speaker 05

  It's okay. I'm okay with it. Your wife's hot.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  Whoa. Whoa. All coming out in the throes. Yeah.

• 6:39Speaker 05

  It's all coming out. What do you think of my wife?

• 6:46Speaker 05

  Next.

• 6:48Speaker 02

  If you gotta ask, you know you're fatized. Thin wife. Thin wife.

• 6:56Speaker 05

  You're a thin wife in life?

• 7:01Speaker 05

  But you're married to that supermodel, right?

• 7:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you. I'm married to Gisele Boudicca. That Greek supermodel. She is Greek. She rocks my world and she is also the co-star of, of course, STF NY. We fell in love the first dead body we saw. We like to joke. Dead body, it was played by this wonderful actor I would purposely never know the name of.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  Dead on the ground, eyes kind of gorged out. The pilot episode, we're trying to figure out who in New York gorged this guy's eyes out? And why is he in front of this door? And I look at her and I say, well, I guess there's one thing we can do. She goes, I guess we shut the front and then

• 7:51Speaker 02

  and that's how every episode starts. So it sounds like you're cutting off the word door.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Why didn't you just call STFD?

• 8:01Speaker 05

  STFD is a great title for a show. Well, if you're calling STFD, then I don't know where it is.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 8:08Speaker 05

  STFD also could be about the fire department.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  Honestly, probably the development hell.

• 8:16Speaker 05

  I can't imagine the development hell.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  Absolute, and we tried.

• 8:20Speaker 05

  Took 15 years to have that television show greenlit.

• 8:23Speaker 02

  It was insane. I mean, like people kept on coming, is this about a fire department? Is this about a saintly fire department? Saint fire department.

• 8:30Speaker 05

  The same fire department.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  And I said, no, it's about two detectives who always need to close the front door right at the beginning of the case. Because one closed door is 15 other open doors. And that's where you find all the clues.

• 8:43Speaker 05

  Doors on doors.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. So that's a little about me. Well, nice to meet someone who's on the networks. I'm one of these frigging procedural guys over in the frickin' screaming. Is it dropping a bucket? I hope people even see me. What's the big angle? What's the thing about us that's so special about us? My name's Vinnie St. Christopher. I'm part of the barrel. I play Detective David Beryl. And what's really exciting about him is he solves crimes in a way that nobody else solves them. He's got a secret about himself.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  David Beryl can speak to guns.

• 9:25Speaker 05

  What?

• 9:26Speaker 02

  I love your show.

• 9:27Speaker 05

  He can speak to guns?

• 9:28Speaker 02

  It's the Wild Thornberry. He meets guns.

• 9:30Speaker 05

  It's Dr. Dolittle. The moment where you, you, you take that young gun and you drop a knee. And you convince him to get off the street selling drugs and back into school, learning math is really moving.

• 9:44Speaker 02

  And he inspires guns to do better with their life. Yeah. To give up their career.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  You sit backwards on a chair a lot, I've noticed.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  I sit backwards on a chair and I look at this gun in the confession room. I sit eye to eye with the shotgun. As you know, you might not know this. Guns are similar to oysters in our biology. There's eyes around the barrels. And that's also where the mouth is. And so you look at them in the barrel.

• 10:08Speaker 05

  Like the movie Cars.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  Kind of like the movie Cars. There was, we had a biologist that came on for four hours and helped us. Figure out.

• 10:15Speaker 05

  Only four hours.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  If a gun was an animal.

• 10:18Speaker 05

  Well, I hope she was paid for the day.

• 10:20Speaker 02

  They were not.

• 10:22Speaker 05

  Excuse me. Oh, look at that. It's a they them. You stepped in shit. I beg your pardon.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is a non-binary biologist we didn't pay.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Don't you wear that on your face. Don't you wear that on your face. I love your show and I think it's so fun with the streamers that you got to tell one story through the whole season. Really fun. Rather than us doing the episode after the episode. Well, it's fun. Well, you know, it's a, it's always an interesting story. This time we're taking down a whole cartel. Obviously cartels use a lot of guns and the thing about it is since their eyes are on the front of the barrel, very frequently guns do not know who shot them. So you have to, you have to try to get them back in their brains. Was there a mirror there? Did they steal? What did their hands feel like on the trigger, which of course is the leg? And it's very fun.

• 11:18Speaker 05

  The trigger of the gun is the leg of the gun?

• 11:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:22Speaker 05

  It's not the penis of the gun?

• 11:24Speaker 02

  Well, we've been told it can't be the penis.

• 11:26Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  So.

• 11:27Speaker 05

  What can't, why can't it?

• 11:29Speaker 02

  Well, becau-

• 11:30Speaker 05

  It's on streaming.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  Remifications of you pull the penis and it shoots. That's too graphic.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  But that's, that's just intuitive. That sounds like the circle of life.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  This is a family show. I watch this with my grandkids. They watch this with their children. Guns shooting people with your grandkids?

• 11:47Speaker 05

  That you're in.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  It's my show. What'd you say?

• 11:49Speaker 05

  You watch the show that you're in with your grandkids?

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Of course I do. They want to watch my show. They want to see what grandpa's up to when they're at school. I will say I really do like that the guns can't see who shot them. They can only see who they shot. Because their eyes are forward. And they're guilty as hell. And they're sad. They feel so bad. We always, we always look at the guns in their face and we say, it's not your fault. Which I think is, it's, we need to work on the messaging of that.

• 12:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  There's something weird about it, but that's for the writers. That's for the writers. So. Yeah.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  I can't believe. Well, I'm, I'm obviously Gwendolyn Forsyth Pluck.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 12:25Speaker 05

  And I had the great honor for 25 years of playing Agatha Brunch.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  Agatha Brunch. Agatha Brunch. BBC's original Agatha Brunch.

• 12:37Speaker 05

  We did 23 episodes in those 25 years.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  But they were an hour and a half each.

• 12:44Speaker 05

  They were an hour and a half each and we, boy, did we solve those mysteries.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  You really solved this.

• 12:48Speaker 05

  Started at the ripe old age of 25, playing 76.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  What was the name? I feel like that's the longest name of a TV show I'd ever seen.

• 12:55Speaker 05

  Agatha Brunch and the one time that the eggs at brunch were a little too hard. So they had to be sent back, but then the chef got really mad and killed someone.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:04Speaker 05

  Yes. I think we did have a record for a while.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  It's so interesting because a lot of your titles just kind of gave away the whole plot.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  Well, you know, I, I feel like that the Agatha Brunch mystery sort of invented the cozy mystery. Sort of oeuvre.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  And, and a lot of what we found at Agatha Brunch was people liked knowing exactly what happened right at the beginning. That's fascinating. A lot of comfort. That's very interesting. And it makes them feel smart. Makes them feel smart and makes them, you know, these days, I, I don't know about you, but when I'm watching something that I'm, I'm finding scary, I pause it, look up Wikipedia, see what happens. No, you don't. Yes. And then. You don't like finding it out? No. No, no, no, no, no. Too scary. Too scary. Ah!

• 13:50Speaker 02

  I wonder what it is about.

• 13:51Speaker 05

  When I watch television, but I don't know what's going to happen.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  This cozy crime thing, I never got it. Crime for me is visceral. It's bloody. It's nasty, but you got the.

• 13:59Speaker 05

  The vicar.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 05

  Was often the vicar.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  It was very frequently the vicar for you guys. It's so interesting. I wonder what's going on over there. I thought, I thought murder is murder, but you guys have cozy little sweet murders.

• 14:10Speaker 05

  Well, you know, sometimes neighbors just get a little unneighborly.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  And I can hear the soundtrack while you start talking.

• 14:21Speaker 05

  And that yellow raincoat Agatha wears every time, even in the shower scenes. Well, you know, one must be modest for the television. Yes, of course. And I have to tell you, was the BBC did get a little stinky. We didn't have the budget for a second raincoat, you know? So by the 22nd or so episode that we did, did hang in there. But you know, life goes on. One must soldier on the things one does for England. And do you do it all for England, you say? All for England. Very specifically not for Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  You're one of those, huh?

• 15:01Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, yes, yes. One of those. One of those. A patriot.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:06Speaker 05

  One might say. A lover of my island nation, these beautiful shores.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  Feel like if I knew a little bit more, I might disagree with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like if I was British, I'd be offended by it. Can't know enough.

• 15:20Speaker 05

  What is it about detectives? I feel like it goes for everyone here at the table. They have to give you one weird part of your clothes that you repeat every time. Yes. You know, Kojak sucking on his lollipop. Plaro and his silly mustache. You have to have a little quirk so that you could show that you are always thinking.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Oh, my quirk is I get out a flip phone. And I play Tetris on my flip phone today.

• 15:46Speaker 05

  That's how you know he's close to solving it. Oh, he's playing Tetris again.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  What's your thing? ADHD. I guess you would be talking to guns too. Oh, yeah. Guns and then also ADHD. You wouldn't believe it. Talking to a gun is not as enticing as having ADHD. You see something, I see a bird out the window. The gun is like, I'm right here. What are you talking about?

• 16:08Speaker 05

  Because the audience has to connect.

• 16:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I will say I love your, I guess if you're Sherlock in this world, your, your Watson is, of course, Sister Patience.

• 16:18Speaker 05

  Oh, Sister Patience.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  It's so fun. And she is so impatient.

• 16:21Speaker 05

  Played by that absolute cunt, Billy Smith.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, Billy Smith, yeah.

• 16:26Speaker 05

  My nemesis.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  You guys have openly.

• 16:28Speaker 05

  Always trying to fucking upstage me.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  Openly a big feud. I mean.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  Big feud and it's not solved and I, it won't be because she's dead and I still fucking hate her. Oh, a posthumous feud. A posthumous feud and I will die and we'll fight again.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  And she did die, funnily enough, under mysterious circumstances.

• 16:48Speaker 05

  Did she?

• 16:49Speaker 02

  I mean.

• 16:50Speaker 05

  Oh, she's pretty cut and dry to me. She jumped off that cliff of her own volition. Oh, but can I ask? I did hear rumblings of them trying to bring back a Sister Patience role as the Sister Patience's long lost daughter. And they had that Gen Z girl. Denzy, yes. Gen Z, Mason. You're Mason. Yes. And she's a, yeah. What do you feel about that? I did like the only murders in the building feeling where it was an old person you, with the young Gen Z's on the phone. Yes, and she's always on her phone and the whole thing was, oh, this child is always on her phone, which I did think was quite funny because these young people are always on their phones. They're always true. Always on their phones with their silly haircuts. Do you like working with her? Well, no, I don't like working at all. Do you?

• 17:35Speaker 05

  Well, that's a good question. But one must for England.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, the question about work is very interesting. I don't know if I like work either. I mean, you get there, you're either crafty all day, all of a sudden we're done. And you're like, would, I could have done this at home. I love working because every day I work, there's another dead body and another beautiful wife in front of me.

• 17:56Speaker 05

  Another wife? Another beautiful wife?

• 17:59Speaker 02

  Same beautiful wife, but every time I lay eyes on her, it's like looking at her for the first time all over again. I bet you guys, you two are the kind of people that get the ice cream trucks for the whole crew, but you stand next to the truck. Yes.

• 18:11Speaker 05

  And you take, and you videotape it.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  This was me.

• 18:14Speaker 05

  I hate that.

• 18:15Speaker 02

  Anything to say?

• 18:15Speaker 05

  For content.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Anything to say?

• 18:17Speaker 05

  For the TikTok. And your assistant is the one that uploads it.

• 18:21Speaker 02

  Can you guys do this dance?

• 18:23Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 18:24Speaker 02

  Can you do this dance?

• 18:25Speaker 05

  Every video starts, are we rolling? Are we rolling? Yes. Oh, God.

• 18:28Speaker 02

  My PR, the whole PR team is right there helping them serve the ice cream.

• 18:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, the beignet truck or whatever, in and out truck or whatever.

• 18:37Speaker 02

  Ice cream beignet in and out. It's one truck. There's this great company that.

• 18:41Speaker 05

  Animal style beignets.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  Animal style beignets. I would try that though. I would try that for real.

• 18:48Speaker 05

  Hello, my name is vestibule science. Um, I've been working as a detective, an actor who's playing a detective for many years. I did a lot of Hallmark movies. This was when Hallmark back in the day was doing a lot of whodunnits. Sure. For Christmas. Um, then I did a stint on, when they tried to do a, a, a, a, I did a stint on Law and Order. We'll go with that. And.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Your stint on Law and Order?

• 19:20Speaker 05

  Yes, my stint on Law and Order. It was when they were trying to do a kid's Law and Order. Didn't work. Oh, right. Call, monitor and order. Hmm, wasn't, wasn't a thing. Um, but what can I say? I've been working since, since ADs were only men.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  I mean, this is crazy. We're sitting with the legend.

• 19:41Speaker 05

  So you have a, I'm sorry, do you have a female AD that you have a specific problem with? Is that why you brought that up? They just don't have the authority. Can I say? Finally, someone I can talk to about this.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Don't say that.

• 19:53Speaker 05

  I just. I don't like being told what to do by a woman.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  No, guys.

• 19:57Speaker 05

  The director, I get it. You can be creative.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  When we have a first AD Lauren, I'm fucking terrified of her. She fucking has my number. The women AD are more scary. Yeah, pretty much. Guys, be nicer. The women ADs are scarier.

• 20:11Speaker 05

  I think those pockets are performative. I don't think they have. There's a lot of carabiners and they jingle tango around the set. No, I don't like it. But anyway, yes, been here a long, long time and I.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  We've been, you've been the detective. Can you give us your detective name? We were all dying for you to say your detective name and your catchphrase.

• 20:31Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, yes, yes. Detective Snow Christmas. Detective Snow Christmas.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  And your catchphrase?

• 20:40Speaker 05

  Look like it's going to Christmas, Snow.

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Look like he's going to Christmas, Snow.

• 20:44Speaker 05

  Look like it's going to Christmas, Snow.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Succeed and then you, you just airball it right at the end.

• 20:54Speaker 05

  Look like it's going to Christmas, no? Cause, cause what's funny is he's

• 20:58Speaker 02

  You're the Christmas snow detective.

• 21:00Speaker 05

  He's a little funny guy, cause he's saying, no, but he's saying, snow.

• 21:05Speaker 05

  Look like, cause he always says it on the eve. Snow. He looks like, his look

• 21:08Speaker 02

  It's common, snow.

• 21:10Speaker 05

  Yes, yes, yes. Looks like it's going to Christmas, no?

• 21:13Speaker 02

  And the craziest, the craziest thing also is that looks like it's going to Christmas is not a phrase. It's meant to be a catchphrase. We're gonna use it every episode.

• 21:23Speaker 05

  Well, cause it's always a Christmas movie. Always Christmas. And it always is like, right? Christmas in Hawaii. Oh, yes. Christmas on the Orient Express.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Yes, I Christmas, Law and Order Christmas.

• 21:34Speaker 05

  Yes, I can sleep on planes, so they use that and they ship me off. They ship me off. You don't know where you're going. You just wake up and

• 21:43Speaker 02

  It's all the same, you didn't figure out what you were trying to say.

• 21:45Speaker 05

  We do crafts because they thought, oh. My greatest strength as an actor is that I can sleep on planes. So we don't have to buy hotels?

• 21:56Speaker 02

  It's so nice that that's what they consider. They use that. You said, I can sleep on planes. They went, oh, we can use that. We can use that.

• 22:03Speaker 05

  I was thirty-two. I remember it was so, it was in the fifties and I said, I could sleep on planes in my audition. And that's why I always tell young actors, if I talk to them now, I say, lead with your strengths because you never know, that might be what they use it for. Yes. You have to lead with your strengths. You do. Oh, and speaking of strengths. Oh, please. Oh, thank you. I'm, I'm absolutely chuffed. Hello, my name is Jacques Claude Sainte-Paix, Tailcoat. And I am, of course.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Sainte-Paix, Tailcoat.

• 22:38Speaker 05

  Sainte-Paix, Tailcoat. Say what I said one more time.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  Jacques Claude Sainte-Paix, Tailcoat.

• 22:50Speaker 05

  OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps,

• 22:58Speaker 03

  OnDeck's loans up to $400,000 help make it happen fast. Rated A plus by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of five-star TrustPilot reviews, OnDeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes at ondeck.com. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Hello, hello. I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I spoke with IBM's Ana Paula Assis about what digital sovereignty actually means in the age of AI. AI now moves from somebody operating a system to the technology actually making decisions.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  So you have to have a much better visibility of what AI is touching, data it is accessing and where. Hear the full conversation wherever you get your podcasts.

• 23:50Speaker 05

  My name is Jessa. One of the things I love the most about working for United Healthcare is that everybody matters. Every moment matters. There's a person behind every problem. I care because it's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm Ben and I work at United Healthcare. I am just one piece of a larger puzzle, but every piece matters. It's more than just work. We want to make the healthcare system better for everyone. I care because I want to make a difference. That's what committed to care means to me.

• 24:27Speaker 05

  No, you say what I said one more time. Now there's no chance I'll remember that. Jacques Claude Sainte-Paix.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Tailcoat.

• 24:37Speaker 05

  Just Jacques. How about Jacques? But you might know me as my moniker a little more because I have the show, The Conversation Detective. It follows different groups of people who are having conversations. They lose their train of thought and they say, what were we just talking about? And then I come in and I put the pieces together and solve what they were just talking about. Useful.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  It's a children's show? Is it a children's show? Young adults, teens?

• 25:10Speaker 05

  Adults, adults.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  It's for adults.

• 25:13Speaker 05

  It's adults. It's for a regular problem that adults have.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Adults who still watch like Hey Arnold.

• 25:19Speaker 05

  I love the work.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Nick adults.

• 25:21Speaker 05

  I love the show. I find it fascinating. Cigarettes.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, smoking weed.

• 25:26Speaker 05

  I find it so fascinating, especially in my later years as a dying adult, old man, I find myself constantly losing my thought, constantly. So it's, it's almost like Tetris of the mind to watch it, to watch you put it together because it's beautifully relaxing to watch you do it. The mind. It's sort of, because you have to put the pieces together, what were the characters saying, you know? Putting the pieces together is the theme tune of the show. Yes. Putting the pieces together, putting the pieces together. Jigsaw, Tetris, putting the pieces together. It's almost Yeah, so many of the episodes happen at game night.

• 26:07Speaker 05

  Yes. And the tone is almost like HGTV shows where it's kind of like in and out. You come in there, you solve it, it's out.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  Definitely feel like they use HGTV cameras, bright.

• 26:16Speaker 05

  Really, really vivid colors.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  That's a Satchel, man, thirty FPS.

• 26:22Speaker 05

  It's so bright. It is shot very bright because we're not solving murders here. No. We're solving, oh, you were talking about your sister in Tampa. That led you to go, oh, is she doing okay after everything that happened? Which led you to, of course, the crisis of the mental health crisis of our country, which re, which was sparked because you saw the movie Obsession.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Also, what I love about this too is, is very similar to, you know, one of my favorite shows, Murder She Wrote, where you look around and you watch Angela Lansbury, you watch this woman show up and you go, how does there happen to be a murder every single place she goes, right? She walks into a coffee shop, there's a murder. Like, how is it happening? Same with you. You were just living your normal life. Then all of a sudden.

• 27:10Speaker 05

  I wish I didn't have to do this, my character.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  Don the hat on.

• 27:13Speaker 05

  But everywhere I go in this series, you know, it's, it's, wait, what were we just talking about? And it's like I have to spring into action. And I love the, the rare episodes that'll come in the spinoff, when it's a woman going down the stairs and she gets down to the living room, she goes, why did I come down here again? Yes. What was I looking for? That was a very successful spinoff.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  I love that episode where that happens. It was a full spinoff? What did they come in this room for? Cause they justified why you were alone in a room.

• 27:47Speaker 05

  And I got a woman looking for her glasses and you're going, I bet you're wondering what you're looking for. I bet you're wondering what you're looking for. And that was one of the biggest hits of the pandemic. Yes.

• 27:57Speaker 02

  It was big.

• 27:57Speaker 05

  Big.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  Huge hit of the pandemic.

• 27:59Speaker 05

  You had to be on your own. You just shot it in your own house. I shot it in my own house. A lot of the crimes were my own, my own questions going, why did I come in here for? Well, I am hungry. Maybe that has something to do with it. No, no, no, no, no. And you go, but I'm holding this journal. I'm holding a journal. I know I'm feeling pensive after being dumped. Hmm, but that's not all there is. Oh, would you look at that? It's, it's piss. I'm going to the bathroom.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Would you look at that?

• 28:31Speaker 05

  I could watch that show.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  I love that episode.

• 28:33Speaker 05

  Over and over and over.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  Look at that. Peeed already.

• 28:40Speaker 05

  Well, that was the clue. The piss was a clue, if you're paying attention. The piss was a clue, a clue for bathroom.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  Piss is always a clue for bathroom. It was a clue.

• 28:53Speaker 05

  And thank you for always highlighting this was a clue. As somebody who doesn't like to be surprised, I like to be told, this one is a clue. And I think I want, I want to show that people can still be on their phones too. Oh, yes. Second, maybe even third or fourth screen. I love the ending of that episode, the tag after the credits, cause you go, oh, I have to pee, it's piss. Credits go by and then you go, but I'm hungry. Let's eat first. I think it's funny.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  Always a twist in the end.

• 29:18Speaker 05

  There's always a twist. It's a, you know, you're, you're pissing or you're eating. That's one of the many things. That's one of the, one of the main reasons I go into many rooms.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. Amen. Amen. You know, the same way.

• 29:31Speaker 05

  Guys relate.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Hey, guys, we're the pissing and eating. That's always what I say. I always say that too.

• 29:38Speaker 05

  Do you find, do you find that sometimes you are a little more detective in your normal life and the cameras?

• 29:46Speaker 02

  Always want to know if you saw the stories.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  Come up to me constantly and say, Agatha, and that's not my name. That's my character's name, obviously, but they don't know that. They say, Agatha, my father was killed in a horrifying stabbing and they've never found the killer. This happens all the time, too. And I say, all the time, all the time, darling. And I say, I don't know how to do that. I'm just an actor, Ducky. Oh, they're just trauma dumping on you. Ducky, darling, I'm just an actor.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 05

  Ducky.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  It's hard.

• 30:16Speaker 05

  Ducky.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  I saw that video that went viral of you kind of screaming at that woman who'd just lost her best friend to a murder.

• 30:22Speaker 05

  Yes, but I think that girl She's always, she's, I don't know. Did, did, did you do it? You probably did it.

• 30:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, you accused her best friend of killing her.

• 30:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  At the funeral.

• 30:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, you probably bloody did it. Why were you at the funeral? I like going to funerals. Is that a problem? No, no, it's a personal.

• 30:41Speaker 02

  For sure. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't help.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  The sandwiches are excellent. I like to have a little cry at somebody else's expense. How often are you ending up at funerals? Two, three times a week.

• 30:52Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 30:52Speaker 05

  Oh, so this, it feels like you're going grocery shopping almost. Well, yes, you know, I mean, I'm not going to any, I'm not planning on going to any, but I'm walking around. downtown, I'm going on my little errands with my little basket around my elbow and I go, oh, look, there's a lot of sad people over there. I wonder where they're going. That's nice. But seriously, but you have no instinct to look for the murder or put the pieces together? No instinct, no talent. My only talents are learning lines, forgetting lines, and

• 31:24Speaker 05

  I know, there's a third thing that I'm good at. Do you sleep on planes? You know, I, this is the first time I've ever been on a plane and I did sleep.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  Yes, that's good.

• 31:33Speaker 05

  Don't tell your agent that, you'll work forever. Ooh, oh dear.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  I don't, there's no reason.

• 31:39Speaker 05

  Don't tell casting that. Must be something else. You'll never get a day off in your life.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  I would agree with, don't tell casting, man. I would agree with that.

• 31:48Speaker 05

  Do not tell. Willing to shave, can't sleep on planes. Yes, you won't ever see your loved ones again.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  I will say, people, uh, for me, they don't expect me to solve crimes, but they do expect me to talk to their guns. And that is annoying.

• 32:02Speaker 05

  That must be very scary. And writing.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  They put guns in their faces and say, what's he saying? What's he saying?

• 32:08Speaker 05

  Well, they go, what color are his eyes?

• 32:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:11Speaker 05

  You should look down the barrel.

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I look down the barrel. How many eyes does it have? Cause as you know, they have anywhere between 300 and 800, according to our biologist.

• 32:19Speaker 05

  In a way, well, I heard you doing, um, those, you know how pet psychics will do readings? I heard, I heard you're doing virtual readings on the side.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, I opened a cameo, ipso facto, people are sending me like, what is my gun thinking right now? And then I have to call and be like, hey, Carlo, good to see you. Your gun seems to be a little hungry right now.

• 32:37Speaker 05

  You're calling people for cameo?

• 32:39Speaker 02

  I call them. I don't send them a video back. That's so impersonal.

• 32:43Speaker 05

  They have a phone.

• 32:43Speaker 02

  I say, you know what?

• 32:45Speaker 05

  What do guns eat?

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Pay for the cameo. You know, what do guns eat? Well, the thing is, a bullet is actually a throw up for a gun.

• 32:54Speaker 05

  I thought it was comp. The trigger is the leg.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  The trigger is the leg?

• 32:57Speaker 05

  The trigger is the leg.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Okay, look, first draft, the bullet was comp. The trigger was the leg. Of course, of course, of course. Of course, we all know that. We all freaking know that.

• 33:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, I understand.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  As we come in, okay, all of a sudden the trigger's the leg, fine. Bullet's a throw up. Okay, what's the food? Polish.

• 33:18Speaker 05

  Polish is the food?

• 33:19Speaker 02

  And muskets, with the musket, when they put the stick, that's like.

• 33:23Speaker 05

  I thought that was sex. It's like sucking dick.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  No, it's like, uh, energy bars. Supplements. I don't know. I don't know.

• 33:32Speaker 05

  I think you should have paid that biologist.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  We, there's a lot we didn't pay that biologist and it's everything.

• 33:37Speaker 05

  Can I ask you, maybe I'm just a dying man, but do you ever feel like politically you're behind some, being on cameo, not even on script as the character, but as yourself, being on cameo, reading people's guns? Do you think you're, uh, pro-gun and promoting that?

• 33:59Speaker 02

  I don't think I'm in a bid for gray area that I never expected to be in as an actor. I don't really have an opinion on guns.

• 34:08Speaker 05

  No opinion on guns?

• 34:09Speaker 02

  I'm not allowed to say if I have an opinion on guns.

• 34:11Speaker 05

  I've heard this new term, copaganda, that the children are saying.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  Oh, are they saying that?

• 34:14Speaker 05

  Yes. Cause Detective Zaccar. Mason, who was the young one on my show. Her, her name is Mason and she was playing somebody called Mason. Yes. She was telling me copaganda and the kids don't like it at all.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  They don't like it. That's true. And to be clear, my guy's a piece of shit and I don't like him. And if I met him on the street, I'd kill him myself.

• 34:31Speaker 05

  You'd kill him? That's tough, cause he has all the guns in the world on his side.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  And he literally will tell the guns to do what they need to do. It sucks. It sucks. He's actually a really, really bad guy. He's the only one who speaks to guns and they do his bidding. Yeah, it's really tricky, actually.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  Innocent teenager in the first episode and it's presented like. You're so right. Cops used to look pretty on camera. And now they look like shit. They're cheating on their wives. Their daughters hate them. All of their daughters hate them. Their daughters hate them. What is this obsession with making anti-heroes? Oh, I don't like it. The only kind of anti-heroes I like are the types that are aunts.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  I love those.

• 35:09Speaker 05

  An anti-hero.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  That's good.

• 35:13Speaker 05

  And I guess I had a lot of nieces and nephews, obviously. I heard you're doing a spinoff series called Anti-Hero. Anti-Hero, yes.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  Why is everyone doing spinoff series when they can just be new series?

• 35:22Speaker 05

  It's spinoffs. Well, I heard the producers make a lot more money if we do a spinoff.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  Okay, it's connecting.

• 35:27Speaker 05

  Because you get, you get paid for the first one and for the second one, you see, you see. And I am an EP on, um, uh, Anti-Hero, uh, we will be getting paid up to 300 pounds per episode, which I'm quite excited about. BBC, Auntie. You want to tell us a little bit about Anti-Hero? Yes, well, you know, I, um, am just sort of wandering around. Uh, I go to different places on holiday. You know, it's not dissimilar to Murder She Wrote, but that's a rip off of its own, you know, it's also Miss Marple. And then one of my nephews or nieces or step nephews, step nieces, nephews-in-law, nieces-in-law, uh, come to me and say, Auntie, I've, I've got a problem and only a hero can solve it. And then I solve it.

• 36:11Speaker 05

  Wow, that is cozy TV. It's cozy.

• 36:13Speaker 02

  It's nice to see people, uh, talk about nieces-in-laws. I feel like you never talk about them.

• 36:19Speaker 05

  You never see it.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Never see it. Never a conversation.

• 36:26Speaker 02

  Hold on a minute.

• 36:27Speaker 05

  There's something of my fault. Jennifer? Jennifer's, Jennifer, the dialysis. Hold on, lean forward again.

• 36:36Speaker 02

  Look at that. There's a knife in his back.

• 36:40Speaker 05

  That's not why I don't feel well. It can't be. No, there's a knife in your back. An incredibly shallow knife. Well. Look what it says on it. Pull it out and look what it says on it. It says.

• 36:55Speaker 05

  Put it back, put it back, put it back.

• 36:56Speaker 02

  There's so many nurses here.

• 36:59Speaker 05

  It says, season renewal on it. No, I have to go.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  What is, why do you know?

• 37:06Speaker 05

  They're gonna put me on the plane. No, I wanted it to be a killer. I wanted to die. A knife said season renewal. Now what do the clues we have available to? Well, Christmas is a season. Yes. Well, so Christmas is in season. But why if there was a season renewal, would somebody stab them? No. I told you, I'm no fucking good at solving anybody else's mysteries. I'm not a detective.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  I don't talk to knives. I don't speak to knives.

• 37:36Speaker 05

  You can't speak to a, is it a thing where a knife has a different accent than a gun, but they're speaking the same language? Or is it just entirely different?

• 37:43Speaker 02

  No, it's like, it's like verbal English to ASL. It's like a different, it's a physical voice.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  A construct issue. They could, we could read the same language.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a syntax situation. Yeah, yeah.

• 37:54Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm bleeding. Oh, God. Oh. We gotta figure out this mystery. Why did somebody stab you with a knife that says season renewal?

• 38:06Speaker 04

  OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps, OnDeck's loans up to $400,000 make it happen fast. Rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of five-star TrustPilot reviews, OnDeck delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes at ondeck.com. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 38:34Speaker 06

  I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I spoke with Dr. Laura Jayhi of Cleveland Clinic about how advanced computing is helping shorten the path from medical discovery to treatment. The moment that there is a compound that someone in a lab thinks it would be effective to treat a certain disease, it takes about 10 to 13 years from that moment to when that drug is on a shelf for a patient. A big part of that gap could be computationally solved. Better simulation of compounds, designing drug trials that are more efficient, that would finish faster.

• 39:12Speaker 06

  That was the motivation to bring computational tools and technology closer to biomedical researchers. Learn more about how Cleveland Clinic and IBM are using AI and quantum computing to revolutionize biomedical research at ibm.com/smarttalks.

• 39:33Speaker 05

  My name is Jessa. One of the things I love the most about working for United Healthcare is that everybody matters. Every moment matters. There's a person behind every problem. I care because it's what I was put on this earth to do.

• 39:49Speaker 06

  I'm Ben and I work at United Healthcare. I am just one piece of a larger puzzle, but every piece matters. It's more than just work. We want to make the healthcare system better for everyone. I care because I want to make a difference. That's what committed to care means to me.

• 40:10Speaker 05

  It has to be a name of a person. Season. Cecily. Season. Season. Cecily. Season. Pickled seasoning. It can't settle seasoning.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  Cecil seasoning?

• 40:22Speaker 05

  Cecil seasoning. She's the head of HBO. Head of HBO Cecil seasoning. She's Cecil. And she's doing the seasoning renewal.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  Not season. The head of HBO is named Cecil seasoning? And it's a woman?

• 40:34Speaker 05

  And she's a woman. And I don't trust as far as I can throw. She shouldn't be making decisions about television. She doesn't need pockets. Wear a skirt.

• 40:43Speaker 02

  Why would Cecil seasoning? Where would somebody put Cecil seasoning's half last name on a knife covered with the word renewal?

• 40:51Speaker 05

  No, renewal must be some- Maybe she's going to some sort of camp for renewing-

• 40:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, maybe Cecil seasoning is in some sort of substance-like situation where she's rejuvenating herself.

• 41:01Speaker 05

  Yes, maybe I am the old version of Cecil seasoning renewal. Oh, maybe she's sucking the life out of you and that's why she's renewed. Oh, no, Susan's looking mighty suspicious back there. Hey, get off that Nintendo Switch. I told you, your job is to keep me alive.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Why would the nurses be looking suspicious? Are you saying that maybe one of them stabbed that him with a knife that says season renewal?

• 41:27Speaker 05

  Let's, hold on, let's-

• 41:29Speaker 02

  We've got to solve this mystery.

• 41:31Speaker 05

  Should we?

• 41:31Speaker 02

  There's so many nurses.

• 41:35Speaker 05

  That's the name of the mystery. I don't have a solution. I'm gonna go bring the nurses up here and you guys need to ask them what to do. One by one. Because I'm going to die and you must put, oh no.

• 41:48Speaker 02

  When you get the nurses, all I ask is that they come and they sit where you sat so we can get the framing.

• 41:52Speaker 05

  That's all I ask.

• 41:54Speaker 02

  They don't need a stand.

• 41:56Speaker 05

  I'm gonna go get the nurses.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 41:59Speaker 05

  And yes.

• 42:01Speaker 02

  All right, we got, guys, why are you guys doing interrogations? Well, this is, I'm intense. You handle this one. I got, I'll lead and you guys jump in when you can.

• 42:10Speaker 05

  This is good.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  Okay, the nurses are coming up, it seems like.

• 42:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, the nurses are coming.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  Nurses need to stand up to their chairs.

• 42:16Speaker 05

  The nurses went to the other end of the building. All the way from the back.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  Five seconds at a time.

• 42:21Speaker 05

  All right, and it seems like we got one nurse. Jennifer? Hi. If that is your real name.

• 42:26Speaker 02

  Hmm. Jennifer. That's good. That's really good.

• 42:29Speaker 05

  What, you want to know something about Cecil seasonings, I hear?

• 42:33Speaker 02

  Oh, you hear that? Or did you know that before?

• 42:35Speaker 05

  I heard that. I'm right down there.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  Wow, I guess this is just me. You said you were hard ass.

• 42:41Speaker 05

  What's your favorite color?

• 42:43Speaker 02

  Favorite color?

• 42:44Speaker 05

  We don't know. We have to test the waters.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  What's your relationship with the guy? What's his name? Cecil. No. What's his name?

• 42:52Speaker 05

  Oh, Vexibule's vest. Vestibule's vest, something. I don't know. He's an old guy. What do I care? I just like stealing his cash. And why did you walk in this room today? And why did you steal his cash? Because the old man's gonna die any second. I don't know. If you want to talk to somebody, talk to my other fellow nurse, Habitha. Is she even further away than you were? She, I'll go get her.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Okay, you seem pretty guilty, but let's talk to Habitha.

• 43:20Speaker 05

  Talk to Habitha. She's got something to say. All I do is steal.

• 43:24Speaker 02

  Okay, so the why is right there. Why would you do it? To steal all of his money.

• 43:28Speaker 05

  To steal all of his money.

• 43:29Speaker 02

  But there's still nothing that had to go-

• 43:31Speaker 05

  Well, Habitha is in the next building over.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Season renewal.

• 43:34Speaker 05

  Season renewal. Well, if the season- I don't think that Cecil- Perhaps the thing behind the person with the knife was that the season renewal indicates there will be more money afoot to be earned.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  God, I wish we had writers. It was so hard that we had actors.

• 43:51Speaker 05

  The writers are the stars of the show.

• 43:54Speaker 02

  They really are.

• 43:55Speaker 05

  So what?

• 43:55Speaker 02

  Someone call for Habitha? Habitha.

• 43:57Speaker 05

  Habitha, you're looking mighty suspicious. Season renewal, what does that mean to you? Oh, you're talking about the bloody knife? See, they already know.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  How did you know about the bloody knife? How did you know about it?

• 44:09Speaker 05

  All I know is we got a vanilla envelope last night. We were, me and all the gals. A vanilla envelope? A vanilla envelope.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  Vanilla?

• 44:17Speaker 05

  A vanilla sent, like a vanilla sent to us. All I know is me and all the gals were hanging out by the diner across the street from Vexibule's house. We do that after the shift. We got a vanilla envelope. It said, here's a knife. Put it in his back tomorrow before the podcast. Wait, and you did it? Yeah.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  So you guys are guilty. So you just could have-

• 44:35Speaker 05

  No, whoever, we were assigned by a hitman. Whoever sent that vanilla envelope. You were assigned by a hitman?

• 44:44Speaker 05

  No, we're the hitman. We're the hitman.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  You're the hitman, so you're going to jail.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  You're the hitman, so you're going to jail. No, no, someone put it's up to it. We just, we just call the law. I think the hitman still does go to jail. I just remembered something. A room I walked into in part of an episode. The vanilla factory where you may have gotten the envelope from. Vanilla is a seasoning.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  So this, sorry, this is your show that you're talking about right now?

• 45:08Speaker 05

  Cecily seasoning, no seasonings because vanilla. It reminds me of a room I walked into. It was a vanilla factory. And you know where that vanilla factory was situated? Right next door to HBO.

• 45:21Speaker 02

  In the show? Or in real life? I'm trying to figure out what's real in this.

• 45:25Speaker 05

  In Burbank? Burbank, California? Hey, listen, I'm just a lonely nurse, but maybe, I don't know, maybe HBO would profit off of my boss dying?

• 45:35Speaker 02

  Habitha, you did the stabbing.

• 45:38Speaker 05

  But someone told me- No, no, you have to find out. I miss writers. I miss writers.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  You're a hundred percent real life.

• 45:46Speaker 05

  I miss writers. This is really hard.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  I'm so mad at you.

• 45:51Speaker 05

  I, why, guys, I am trying my best. Why did you bring twenty five nurses in no way?

• 45:56Speaker 02

  Why did a vanilla envelope convince you to stab your boss?

• 45:59Speaker 05

  All I know is you should talk to, you should talk to Vexibule's agent. She's here with us.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Whoever has all the info, you're all listening, the one who knows all of it, come up and talk to us, okay?

• 46:14Speaker 05

  Let me get him. He's got his AirPods in.

• 46:17Speaker 02

  The agent?

• 46:17Speaker 05

  He's just not been listening to any of it.

• 46:19Speaker 02

  So he doesn't know anything? So let's go over the clues. Stand up there.

• 46:22Speaker 05

  He doesn't know all the information.

• 46:24Speaker 02

  Let's go over the clues. This is a fucking map. A knife, bloody knife that says season renewal.

• 46:30Speaker 05

  This is gonna ruin us. Everybody thinks we're so smart.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  Somebody with a season renewal knife. We've got the scent of vanilla. We have the head of HBO, Cecil seasoning. And we know Habitha and the nurses did the actual stabbing.

• 46:40Speaker 05

  And we know that they have been assigned via a hitman. And I guess twenty-four of them are hitmen and one of them is just a thief.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  Well, they've been assigned by a hitman and they're all- God, she just steals the money. She just did it for the cash. We're trying to go all the way to the top. We're gonna figure out who did this. Oh, here's the agent.

• 46:56Speaker 05

  Oh, here's the agent.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  Walking like an agent, I see.

• 46:59Speaker 05

  What up, Todd? Hi, Todd. How'd you know my name? You're a famous agent. You are famous in this town. Todd, why don't you go ahead and tell us what you know about this whole stabbing situation? What, what do I get?

• 47:14Speaker 02

  What do you get?

• 47:15Speaker 05

  Syndication? Vindication? Listen, I might have some information, but I didn't know I'd be talking to four of the greatest actors in our industry.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 47:22Speaker 05

  Thank you. Oh, that's very kind.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  Listen, Todd, I got you on camera touching little kids. You tell me what you did or I leak it to the press and your ass is fucking grass, buddy. Do you for real have that? I don't. It's a bluff.

• 47:36Speaker 05

  Listen, Todd, I've got this. Listen, Todd, I don't have an American agent and I'm willing to put all of this aside if you're willing to sign me right here, right now.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:46Speaker 05

  The Agatha spinoff, the Agatha Brunch spinoff, Doug looked, did, Doug did look good for Tubi.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  Hey, Todd, listen up.

• 47:52Speaker 05

  Tubi?

• 47:53Speaker 02

  I've been talking to the court forty-five in your safe.

• 47:57Speaker 05

  How'd you know?

• 47:58Speaker 02

  He says you and your wife do some weird ass shit in the bedroom. Like what? Like fuck with, uh, that bingo wheel. Fuck with the bingo wheel? Put your dick in that bingo wheel and you spin it around.

• 48:11Speaker 05

  Put their dick in the bingo wheel and then you spin it around? And the gun can see this from inside the safe? That's more embarrassing than a bluff about me touching kids.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  You better start talking, buddy. By the way, that was a bluff. That was nice. Watch this.

• 48:23Speaker 05

  Wait a minute, I have some informa, you may, you may be, you may be interested in this information. I got this. I got this, actually.

• 48:31Speaker 02

  So bad.

• 48:31Speaker 05

  I got this. What do you got?

• 48:35Speaker 05

  I remember a conversation you had, what you were talking about, something you were talking about on the phone, something about-

• 48:45Speaker 02

  We need scripts.

• 48:46Speaker 05

  Todd, I can make all of this go away. Something about a new project, a season forever renewal.

• 48:57Speaker 05

  A, a TV show that never ends. Goes on and on, my friends.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  If you wanted a show that never end, that goes on and on, my friend, why would you stab Vexibule with a knife that says season?

• 49:10Speaker 05

  Because Vexibule was already dying.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  But what if, hold on a minute, the knife stabbed Vexibule?

• 49:19Speaker 05

  He's thinking.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  But Vexibule did not die. So what if the stab, what if the knife was made out of something that did make him leak a-

• 49:28Speaker 05

  An anti knife. Someone- An anti knife?

• 49:31Speaker 02

  An anti knife?

• 49:33Speaker 05

  It was asked to an anti knife? I did it.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  No!

• 49:38Speaker 05

  I stabbed Vexibule. I did it and I'd do it again.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  You did it because you wanted to steal his season renewal.

• 49:44Speaker 05

  And his agent. BBC was not gonna let you have that show forever, were they? I wanted to buy a yacht. All of you have yachts and I'll have just a little dinghy that I ride around the harbor. You don't understand how hard it is to be an actor in the UK.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  And of course.

• 50:01Speaker 05

  And it's those Welsh and Scots people's fault.

• 50:03Speaker 02

  And, and as everyone knows.

• 50:05Speaker 05

  You killed my client.

• 50:08Speaker 02

  The spice vanilla is from England. It was famously from England.

• 50:13Speaker 05

  Yes, well, everything's from England eventually, isn't it?

• 50:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, kind of, it was a port.

• 50:17Speaker 05

  Vexibule, get up here. Why didn't you tell us she killed you?

• 50:20Speaker 02

  Oh, this is gonna take forever.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  Kylie was just telling me the funniest thing. It's the funniest thing. You can become a Patreon member and-

• 50:31Speaker 05

  Hear more about our lives, the episodes, and other fun things we're doing on the side. Isn't that hilarious?

• 50:37Speaker 02

  Isn't that just a trip?

• 50:38Speaker 05

  And isn't that so like us?

• 50:40Speaker 02

  For three to five to $10 a month, we literally will do all that kind of stuff on Patreon.

• 50:48Speaker 02

  And we have merch. You know, we actually have a piece of merch that was voted on by the patrons that we made in real life. It's a set of AirPod headphones covers that say, if these fuckers is empty, I'm listening to A O A O A O A.

• 51:04Speaker 05

  So you gotta get on the Patreon because I think that's pretty funny.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, you guys are doing some funny stuff and we're loving it, too.

• 51:12Speaker 05

  And we're loving it. Where are those hats from? They're from artists on artists on artists on artists dot com.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  That's right. We call this ad a two for one. Enjoy the rest of the ad.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  So let's put it together. He's walking with a walker. You stabbed him with something called an anti knife. An anti knife.

• 51:33Speaker 05

  An anti knife.

• 51:35Speaker 02

  That said, season renewal. Yes. You smelled vanilla. You, well, actually, you didn't stab him. You got the nurses to stab him. And it specifically said season renewal because I want to have an American show. Because in England, we would call it a series. So why, though? What is an anti knife? It makes him stronger. Oh, it makes him stronger. It brings him back to life. So you want to work with this?

• 51:57Speaker 05

  Fine. We did it together.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  Okay, they'll, they'll wrap it up for us. He still will explain it. They'll get it. Perfect.

• 52:08Speaker 05

  Fine. It doesn't make sense that Agatha Rundberg would do it because she didn't do it alone. I, from the beginning of this, have told you I want to die. Yet she doesn't want to work with Mace in the Gen Z anymore.

• 52:23Speaker 02

  I don't. Always flopping around with that floppy hair. Okay, keep tying it together.

• 52:28Speaker 05

  So we did a trade. I said, kill me, take the show.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 52:36Speaker 05

  And I can finally rest.

• 52:39Speaker 02

  Wow. But obviously, I love a cozy mystery and a murder. Well, entertaining isn't really in my milieu, my wheelhouse. And so I, I had an anti knife created by the great scientists of London to renew this man forever so that we can be a double act of detectives. Wow. Flawless plot. An amazing tie up. It all tied together.

• 53:08Speaker 05

  So that's it. Wait a minute. Are you two actually TV detectives? Or are you a writing staff in disguise?

• 53:20Speaker 02

  Writers.

• 53:21Speaker 05

  It's me.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  That's Dylan.

• 53:23Speaker 05

  That's me, Dylan.

• 53:29Speaker 05

  This has been artists on artists on artists.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  Detective writers.

• 53:33Speaker 05

  This has been artists on artists on artists. Answer the question. That's why they call it showbiz.

• 53:40Speaker 05

  Oh, my God, that was so much fun. Siwan, thank you for being here today. Do you want to plug anything? We'll put your ads in the description.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  Watch Dimension 20. If you're in L.A., come and see Denoue More.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Denoue? We literally.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  Denoue More. It's the show that you're in that you can't.

• 53:55Speaker 05

  I fuck it up every time. But Siwan literally onstage does wrap up an entire mono scene and makes it look good.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  It's fun. It's fun. It's fun. Wow, and then your movie, too? Oh, yes, The Greatest Treasure in the World that we're shooting in summer. You're right here in Los Angeles, California.

• 54:11Speaker 05

  Produced by Laser Vision, also by us.

• 54:13Speaker 02

  Produced by Laser Vision.

• 54:14Speaker 05

  We love you guys. Coming from you, from the beautiful.

• 54:20Speaker 05

  Join the Patreon. We'll talk about it. We'll see you there. Bye.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  Artists on artists on artists on artists is an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast created and hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angelie Giarratana, and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Media Podcasts. Executive produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laser Vision Productions. Music by Gabriel Ponton and edited by Conner McCabe. Thumbnail art by Josh Florrie and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz. Special thanks to Samuel Curtis and the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater. The opinions expressed on this podcast do not reflect the opinions of anyone who works on it, not even the performers, because this is an improvised podcast and we don't know what the heck we're talking about. Full video versions of A O A O A O A are available on YouTube,

• 55:09Speaker 02

  so please like and subscribe and leave us five star reviews wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for now. Good night, Hollywood.

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• 56:26Speaker 06

  The biggest game of the season, right here, right now. Starts Saturday, strong. It's Big Noon Saturday on Fox. And here we go. It all starts at 10 Eastern with Big Noon Kickoff, live with an epic pregame.

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  The crowd, the atmosphere, this is what makes it special.

• 56:43Speaker 06

  Then it's America's number one game. What a hit. The best pregame, the best announcers, the biggest games. Down the sideline, touchdown. It's Big Noon Saturday, noon Eastern on Fox.

• 56:56Speaker 05

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• 57:26Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.