"James Bond 007" Writer's Room

Shaken, not stirred - that’s how we like our podcasts, and we hope you do too. James Bond is one of the most iconic names in show business and today we have the honor of speaking with 4 writers who have brought his legacy to life. These writers reveal their unique takes on the character, pick and choose what secrets to reveal about themselves and the process, and all have the same British accent but never the same one they had minutes before. This one will be surely full of secrets Galore so get in your tuxedo or evening gown, put on your most gadget-y shoes, and listen in to this episode that is For Your Eyes Only. MERCH HERE! https://artistsonartistsonartistsonartists.com/shop This episode was filmed in the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater, and tech-produced by Samuel Curtis. For live shows and events you can find more about them at dynastytypewriter.com. To learn more about the BTS of this episode and to find a world of challenges, games, inside scoop, and the Artists being themselves, subscribe to our Patreon! You won't be disappointed with what you find. Check out patreon.com/aoaoaoapod Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists is an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast Created and Hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell’s Big Money Players and iHeartMedia Podcasts. Executive Produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laservision Productions. Music By Gabriel Ponton and Edited by Conner McCabe. Thumbnails by Josh Fleury and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz. Hollywood's talking. Make sure you're listening. Subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Youtube! Please rate us five stars! See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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  Welcome back to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists. This week on the show, we have another writer's room. And this writer's room is the writers of James Bond movies. The name's Bond, James Bond. But who wrote the name in the first place? These writers have been responsible for 60 years of the spy British legacy. Based on Ian Fleming's famous books, the James Bond series. So he is the one that wrote the name first.

• 3:10Speaker 05

  These writers take his work and bring it to the next level, to the screen. We've had multiple James Bond actors and multiple James Bond writers. Now, we're going to see what makes a spy, a spy. So live twice, say tomorrow again, and set that view to a kill. Let's listen in.

• 3:38Speaker 05

  It's great to see everybody. We always meet in the dark at night sometimes, don't we? Don't we? Lights, lights, so bright. Very, very secretive to write James Bond, isn't it? Very interesting to see the three of you

• 3:56Speaker 05

  meeting here again.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Yes, I would say, undoubtably. It is quite peculiar to meet you under these certain circumstances yet again.

• 4:09Speaker 05

  Let's go around and identify who we are. Lovely. Very nice. Wonderful to get together and share each other's identities to each other. They call me Agent T. I won't give my full name because it is a secret. Yes, we are very secretive, just like Mr. James Bond himself. We're in charge of his ideas and so we're also in charge of our own ideas. Tell that to the WGA. I know your full name.

• 4:43Speaker 05

  I shan't reveal it. Woo! What a relief. Yes, my name is Mr. Agent T. I am a man. I am a certain height. My hair color is brown and I'm from a state.

• 4:59Speaker 05

  How long have you been in the writer's room? I've been in the writer's room for 45 years. The first movie I came on to was A View to a Kill. I was the one that made him jump on all those alligators. And I've been here ever since pitching ideas, making sure that James Bond has all his interests, interesting and weird. And I love the gadgets too, I'm a gadget guy. You invented the microwave shoe, if I remember correctly.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  What an amazing invention for James Bond.

• 5:36Speaker 05

  Yes, it's a shoe. James Bond put a Hot Pocket in a shoe. James Bond was on a submarine and he was very hungry. But luckily Q gave him a microwave shoe. So he got to microwave while he was hiding in a duct. He microwaved a Hot Pocket in the shoe.

• 5:54Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 5:55Speaker 03

  Undoubtably.

• 5:56Speaker 05

  Undoubtably, indeed. Transmission ended. Interesting. Well, well, well. If it isn't all of you again.

• 6:08Speaker 05

  My name, or rather, one of my names, as I have many aliases, is Butterfingers Dupree.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  Butterfingers.

• 6:19Speaker 05

  And I have I have known around the James Bond writer's room as a shapeshifter. I have arrived in this room under many identities over the past 50 years. Kit Kat Donaldson. Hershey's ass.

• 6:40Speaker 05

  Chair. Supreme. That's what you do.

• 6:44Speaker 03

  As you see, you think it's all candy, but it's not.

• 6:48Speaker 05

  No, because you never must let them get on your scent for long. Chocolate, chocolate, chair. Chocolate, chocolate, chair. And what I love about Then I'm the janitor at one point. And Butterfingers, it's very exciting because you always fill out all of the start paperwork for all of these new identities. There's a whole room in the James Bond writer's room hall where I keep all of my I9s. And it's good to talk about this. I9s as far as the eye can see. It's a hall, you see, we work in. It's a hall. You've been blacklisted on Rapbook. They hate me at Rapbook. They hate me on entertainmentpartners.com.

• 7:30Speaker 05

  What's so, what's so sad is the WGA doesn't know that you're the same person. No, no. That's the saddest thing of all. Yeah, so you're never qualifying for insurance. I will never get health insurance because what do I want more? Do I want my health or do I want my privacy?

• 7:53Speaker 05

  In America, you have to choose. Conundrum. It's an interesting conundrum.

• 7:57Speaker 03

  An interesting point to talk about first thing in this episode.

• 8:02Speaker 05

  And I, in terms of the writer's room, I do, I do a lot of, as I am an alias myself, I write a lot of women's names. That's my favorite part of working with you is getting into the bones of how these people in this universe hide. Right.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Quite.

• 8:26Speaker 05

  Right. Yes. Right. Because it's not just octopussy.

• 8:31Speaker 05

  It's not just, you can't just slap pussy anywhere and make it. We used to. We used to. Before they brought you in. No. Now there are many new Bond women you may meet over the course of many years and their names are things like Titty Captain.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  I loved Titty Captain.

• 8:53Speaker 05

  Honkers iPad. I love Honkers iPad. Lipstick teeth. I love butthole intelligent.

• 9:06Speaker 05

  Areola Montgomery.

• 9:12Speaker 05

  Ta ta for now. That was good, actually. Thank you. I had to do, I had to make up for the iPad one. Hello, I am Louise Quinn. Oops, I said my name.

• 9:27Speaker 05

  Oh, you revealed yourself. We're in a secure location, are we not? Are we not? Are we not? Anywho,

• 9:38Speaker 05

  that's not my name. Good cover. My name is The Sniper. Yes. Cut that part out. I am the sniper. I am

• 9:51Speaker 05

  the oldest one, I'd say here, and I've always been since the, since the beginning of the franchise. I have been the writer's assistant. All of those writers died and have gone. And I'm still the writer's assistant. And one day, I'll get up there.

• 10:11Speaker 02

  It's amazing what you do in the writer's room in terms of bringing us coffee and writing our ideas down when we have them. It's just beautiful what you do.

• 10:22Speaker 05

  I think I like to assist and I, sure, one day I do want to go up the, the ranks. But I do love just being an old man assistant. You don't see a lot of them anymore. And it makes you think, what's going on? Yes, mysterious. And I will say, your packet, I'm going to get around to reading it very soon.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  I swear to God.

• 10:49Speaker 05

  Any minute now, I will read your packet. And as soon as I do, I'm sure we will, we will be able to move you up.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  You, you submitted those five James Bond sketches, right?

• 11:00Speaker 05

  Yes, and I did them on paper, because back in the day, and then you guys, it's been now so long. So now I did put them on Dropbox. Yes, thank you for putting them on Dropbox. As soon as I find the link, I will read. Yes, it's, it's, it's five James Bond sketches. One topical. A topical James Bond. James Bond commercial. Yes, a James Bond commercial. And then I believe there's also some James Bond monologue jokes as well. Yes, it's, it's just lines. So the monologue jokes for James Bond are just lines he says when he walks into a room.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  Do a couple for us.

• 11:34Speaker 05

  Ready? Ready? These are some from my packet.

• 11:39Speaker 05

  Seems like I miss the hors d'oeuvres.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  Beautiful.

• 11:42Speaker 05

  Really good.

• 11:49Speaker 05

  Didn't get the black tie memo.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Hmm, it's really, well, that's really good.

• 11:54Speaker 05

  That's really good. And these are opening lines. Not quite him, because he is always in the black tie.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  That's, and that's my issue. Because I was going to jump in here, maybe you're, you're stepping on my toes a little bit, you know. I, my name is Sir Ian Donatello.

• 12:15Speaker 05

  Don't say your name.

• 12:16Speaker 02

  The fourth.

• 12:19Speaker 05

  The fourth is the alias.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  Or the second.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  Or the second.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  Or the first. Or maybe.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  Or Junior.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Ah, just not my name at all. Junior would be the second, just to clarify that.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  Thanks.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  And I do a lot of the dialogue for James Bond and the women in the movies. And I just, you know, I find it fascinating that you would say, you know, that James Bond would have missed the black tie memo.

• 12:49Speaker 05

  I did, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, please, please. It's quite all right, you know, it's very fine, I would say. It's very quiet, you know. But for me, for James, he's a man of very few words. When he comes in and says, charmed.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Delicious.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  Amazing. Mm hmm.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  When he comes in and says, well, now, what do we have here?

• 13:15Speaker 05

  I love when he does a, what will we have here? I love a what do we have here. Especially when it's a woman laid out.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  What do we have here?

• 13:23Speaker 02

  When a woman is laid out in the bed, sometimes I like to go, quite peculiar.

• 13:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. You've been very helpful to all of us newer writers in that you have created a James Bond style guide.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:37Speaker 05

  Sort of things he would say, things he wouldn't say.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  Sentences usually need to go up or down.

• 13:44Speaker 05

  And that's why you are such an asset in, in the room, in the hallway. He's an asset? Where?

• 13:49Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  I'm playing this all in my mouth.

• 13:55Speaker 05

  That's good. In your mouth.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  In your mouth.

• 13:57Speaker 05

  What are you, playing Adele? Oh, that's right, we don't have our orchestra here today. We usually write accompanied to orchestra.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  Yes, so hallway is, one room for your I9s, our main writer's room. And then right across the hallway, we like to keep the door open. That's where the orchestra performs.

• 14:13Speaker 05

  And there across from the mysterious commissary that is full of pop chips. I love pop chips. It's full of pop chips. The commissary, they have pop chips, dirty martinis, and no water. No water, gin and skinny pop, pop chips.

• 14:30Speaker 02

  Oats milk for days.

• 14:32Speaker 05

  Ketalkor pop chips and a nice, nice dirty martini. Yes, a dirty martini. Well, I heard you were the original writer, because I was there, of the one who, of the one who created the iconic phrase, shake and not stir.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Yes, thank you. It's, you know, it took a long time to figure out that scene. And we kind of landed on, you know, what would this man drink? What would this peculiar little minx have for drinks at the bar?

• 15:08Speaker 05

  That's an interesting question. Didn't you try many other?

• 15:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 15:12Speaker 05

  There were lots of other drafts for Shake and Not Stir. Well, I remember that. I was there and I pitched some. One of them was hot.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  Yes. Dirty martini, hot. Didn't work. It made him kind of disgusting immediately.

• 15:25Speaker 05

  This, there was the one where we tried to put him more on the, in the south. And we said, dirty martini, drop a piece of IPA in it.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  Which, which was very confusing for a British audience that early on.

• 15:39Speaker 05

  Didn't work. I liked the one where we tried to make him like he was kind of in a rush. A martini, throw it in a to-go coffee cup.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  It didn't make sense because he was awry.

• 15:50Speaker 05

  He had just got into the party.

• 15:52Speaker 02

  Everything to nail it.

• 15:53Speaker 05

  It's one of those things where you get so into a script and you're in the middle of something and you forget what had just happened. Yeah. Because you were punching it up so much. Because you're just trying alt after alt, you know, we had, uh, dirty martini, over ice, half a shot of skim milk as well.

• 16:09Speaker 02

  Which is disgusting.

• 16:11Speaker 05

  Olive juice and skim milk?

• 16:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 16:13Speaker 05

  Kill me. Really not what you want. All the branded ones, the branded ones. Oh, yes. Shake and, we were pitching off them, they never went. But shake and not stirred, add some liquid IV grapefruit.

• 16:24Speaker 02

  Yes. It was very interesting, a new age one, for sure.

• 16:27Speaker 05

  We tried to make that his save the cat moment too. Yeah. And so we tried to make it where, because save the cat, if you read the book, it's, it's a little moment where somebody does something nice so you like the character. Go by. So we had one that said, martini, make it for yourself and drink it. She's like, oh, he bought the bartender drink.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  Very strange.

• 16:46Speaker 05

  So what's he drinking?

• 16:47Speaker 02

  I loved clean martini, light on the alcohol. My tummy's upset.

• 16:50Speaker 05

  I like that.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  It was so close to going.

• 16:52Speaker 05

  All of you are saying dirty martini. Why are you saying that? Dirty martini. No, he doesn't say dirty martini.

• 16:58Speaker 02

  He says dirty.

• 16:59Speaker 05

  He says martini. He just says martini. No, what? Now this is, I'm, I'm bumping on this. I am bumping on this. And I hate to get, I hate to go there. I hate to get into this again. He would want it dirty.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  He would not want it dirty.

• 17:15Speaker 05

  Why would he not have it dirty?

• 17:17Speaker 02

  It's not sexy to ask for a dirty martini.

• 17:20Speaker 05

  Oh, and she'll let you carry Bradshaw. She's not sexy.

• 17:24Speaker 02

  Maybe that's why we're, we're confusing our, our cross strings a little bit. So we love Sex and the City.

• 17:30Speaker 05

  We love Sex and the City. It's our favorite. That's why there is a real Bond villain named Mr. Big. That's correct. Yes. Mr. Big is a Bond villain and he is also in Sex and the City. And a little Hollywood fun fact, they're the same man.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  They're the same man, not played by the same actor, but in the universes, they are the same man.

• 17:52Speaker 05

  I'd say it's, what's important to bring up is that each, we have to watch women in other shows. Because I think we've heard a lot over the years that the Bond women are just kind of figures of an imagination, or they move like, like they move as muses and not women. So at lunch with some pop chips and a martini, we put on Sex and the City. And we just started, and, and just like that, or what's this, you know? Yes, and just like that. The finale was so funny how they were all pooping like that. I loved that. I loved shade, yes. We should get into exactly what it is we do and how we create the movies. Because obviously, one writer is usually attached to the movie, but

• 18:36Speaker 05

  below that, there's a secret society of screenwriters who are in charge of the legacy of double O7. Who roam the hallways, up and down, up and down. Up and down we roam the hallways, making sure James Bond's legacy remains intact. Right. So a typical day is we start at noon. We show up, we kind of talk. The talking is important, I think. The catching up. It's important to do forty-five to fifty-five minutes of catch up before you start the day.

• 19:07Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I believe it's, you know, very important to clear up the brain from the day before and land somewhere new.

• 19:16Speaker 05

  Catch up. And then somebody pulls up Google News on the big screen.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  We only look at Google News.

• 19:22Speaker 05

  We only look at Google News.

• 19:25Speaker 05

  And for some reason, the, the computers we've been using in the, in the hallway office are set to, uh, Bing. Yes. So we have to go to Google News.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  And also the, the zoom, we've, someone has messed with the computer where everything is zoomed in too far.

• 19:42Speaker 05

  It's all zoomed in. It's all zoomed in. I go onto the Chrome window and I click reset, reset. The little magnifying glass, I click reset, it doesn't do it. Well, somebody put, what's it called? Honey? Somebody put that honey plugin? Oh, terrible plugin. Then I like, we go to a Reuters article and it says, you could save twenty dollars on this. No. I don't, I don't even know what it is.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  You can barely see the word Reuters, it's so big. And half of the screen is covered by the honey pop up.

• 20:08Speaker 05

  I hate the honey pop up. And this is the one computer we have. Yes, we all could, this is how the writer's room works. We all crouch around one computer. I also am afraid that we might have spoiled the next femme fatale.

• 20:19Speaker 04

  Name. Honey Pop-Up. Honey Pop-Up.

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• 22:59Speaker 05

  Well, should we do a warm-up and list more femme fatale names? Let's do a nice warm-up. These are some of the femme fatale names in the Bond movies that have never been greenlit, but are good. But we're, yes, but we're shortlisting them for our next film. Yes.

• 23:18Speaker 05

  Leg Head.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  Lip-a-titty. Fanny Go-Go.

• 23:28Speaker 05

  Hips-a-bottom-bottom.

• 23:32Speaker 05

  Suck, Mackenzie. Eye shadow blowjob.

• 23:39Speaker 05

  Thighs, Mackenzie.

• 23:43Speaker 05

  Lips, Sarah Kiss. Belly button, Mackenzie. Fishnet Head.

• 23:53Speaker 05

  Gold-a-pussy, silver titty. Head, Mackenzie.

• 24:01Speaker 05

  Sloane Vagina.

• 24:05Speaker 02

  Sarah Donovan.

• 24:09Speaker 05

  Volvo Saint Clair.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  Clit Bob.

• 24:16Speaker 05

  Sponge Clit Bob Pants. Labia Gator Binsberg.

• 24:27Speaker 05

  Jonas Brother Boobies. Charlotte Harlet.

• 24:35Speaker 05

  Labia Menora, Nora, Nora, Nora Jones.

• 24:43Speaker 05

  And let's just talk about Labia Menora, Nora, Nora Jones. Oh, I love her. God, and we're getting, and we're trying to get Nora to sing the song. We're really trying to get Nora. Yes, Nora. Nora Jones, James Bond song, kind of, kind of an oxymoron. Kind of goes like this, ready? She doesn't do it, yes. Come away with me dun, dun, dun, dun, in the night, dun, dun. A bit of a mashup.

• 25:09Speaker 05

  Bit of a messy mashup, that is. Well, we've brought up now James Bond songs, and that is a part of what we do. We do work with musicians to devise the James Bond song. It sort of dictates the tone of the movie that we're going for. And to find a good James Bond song singer, I don't know if you would agree, I believe that it has to be someone a little spooky, you know? Or like a little, just a little blurred on the edges. Well, someone with a bit of an edge, usually, you know, someone like Lady Gaga, who has done one, of course. Billie Eilish. Yes. Duran Duran from View to a Kill, the first one that I was in. Adele. Adele.

• 25:53Speaker 05

  Live and Let Die, Paul McCartney. Oh, goodness. It's like. Oh, that's a good one. You need to have a sinner. Yes. It's like, it's just like how Taylor Swift is perfect for a Toy Story movie. Yes. Because it's a bright, happy song. We need a song that roams through the hallways. We're actually in charge of listening to all the submissions. They submit wildly, and it's open all the time.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  Bruno Mars' most recent submission.

• 26:20Speaker 05

  Did you like that one?

• 26:21Speaker 02

  I don't know if I liked it.

• 26:23Speaker 05

  I liked that. Get up and kill him. Get up and kill him. I love that one. Get, get, get, get, get, get up and kill him. Oh, I thought, I thought Kesha's was close, but not it. You know, it does that.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:39Speaker 05

  Come grab your gun and walk into the room.

• 26:43Speaker 02

  It was a little bit, just like that song that she has.

• 26:45Speaker 05

  Hey, listen, it's.

• 26:48Speaker 05

  I like that one.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  No, I liked it. It's just Kesha.

• 26:51Speaker 05

  This time, we're not going back to London.

• 26:57Speaker 05

  Because when I wake up in the night, we're, oh, that is that line. We're not coming back to London. Shake and not stir, shake and not stir. My titties are shake and not stir.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  And it's just, it was tough for me to picture an opening sequence with my titties are shake and not stir.

• 27:15Speaker 05

  Yes. But I liked it for, what was the SpongeBob girl we mentioned? Oh, Sponge Clit Bob Pants.

• 27:21Speaker 02

  Oh, no, I thought you were talking about.

• 27:23Speaker 05

  Sponge Clit Bob Pants. Oh, no, but there is Ice Spice as well.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  Well, Sponge Clit Bob Pants, yes. Let's talk about Sponge Clit Bob Pants.

• 27:30Speaker 05

  And I like.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  I'd have missed if we didn't focus it on Sponge Clit Bob Pants.

• 27:34Speaker 05

  Sponge Clit Bob Pants lives under the sea. And she comes up from the water in a bikini. In a bikini, hot bikini, hot bikini. And, and I like the nod to SpongeBob where she's got a little bit of board shorts. Yes. And we are, yes, going out to that woman from Off Campus who wore that top. We don't know her name, but we saw her in the top and thought she'd be great. You guys know that top? I don't know if I know that top. I know. I don't think I know what you're talking about. As a 70-year-old man here in the room, I love YA, and I watch it all, and I know the top. Yes, check out the top. I'll pull it up on a thing. It's going to be fun zoomed in.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  It's going to be very zoomed in.

• 28:17Speaker 05

  Honey Mole.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Guarantee we never see her. We're just stuck in the background of whatever that photo is.

• 28:23Speaker 05

  No, but we have other, other submissions from Tate McRae. She had some good ones.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Tate McRae, I loved her song.

• 28:29Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, yes. Casey Musgraves just wasn't the brand idea. Yeah, I thought it was kind of catchy. And she goes, British cowboy, you're my British cowboy. Come on over, come on over, British cowboy.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  We almost went with Justin Timberlake one year.

• 28:47Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 02

  And that was very interesting. It was like, you gotta be James Bond.

• 28:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, that was not a song. It's not really a song. It's crazy. Or the Ben. Oh, no, there was that Dolly Parton one that I thought was quite charming that went, will you wake up and you're James Bond and then you're gonna go to bed? Wake up and you're James Bond and then you do it all again. Yeah, our problem was, our problem was Dolly didn't talk anything about what James Bond did.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  She says you wake up, James Bond goes to bed.

• 29:20Speaker 05

  And I swear. It kind of could be anybody. I still think Dolly sent us an AI song.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:26Speaker 05

  I don't think she's saying that. I think Dolly's people made an AI.

• 29:30Speaker 02

  What's your song about? We got it from [email protected].

• 29:35Speaker 05

  I think it's an AI song.

• 29:38Speaker 05

  Well, I hope she's not using AI. Oh, that'd be a shame. I love Ben Platt's song, and I do think we should use it.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  Lots of rips, no words.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  I know, I was going to say no words. Well, there's a, there's a Lin-Manuel Miranda song as well.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  I was just going to say that.

• 29:56Speaker 05

  Say it together. She was saying it up the say it time.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  First line, I'll do next line.

• 30:00Speaker 05

  How does an agent, British guy of the Queen and the M15? In the eye of the James Bond, I am an agent. So my songs, you made fun of me for making them just a parody of the other songs. And that's what she was directly just saying.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  I didn't make fun of you. I made fun of Kesha.

• 30:21Speaker 05

  I think, I think he. He's always-

• 30:23Speaker 02

  You just sang the song.

• 30:26Speaker 05

  I didn't make fun of you. I made fun of Keshav. In this room, we don't punch down. We only punch up or at Keshav. Or we kick, or we shoot. Or we shoot up.

• 30:40Speaker 02

  In this room, if we're shooting up, it's shooting up some sort of villain.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  Or drugs. Or a bag of dirty pop chips. I'd not just shoot up pop chips, love it. I'd just have fun at the end of the week. You put a bag of pop chips at the end of the room and shoot it. Do you guys remember when I put all the pop chips in a bowl of gin and I microwaved it for forty-five minutes? Yes, I was-

• 31:06Speaker 02

  That smelled crazy.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  And what came out looked like one of those Easter candies, a peep. Yes, and that was the inspiration for renovating the kitchen.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Nothing to do with James Bond. We needed to renovate the kitchen after that smell.

• 31:21Speaker 05

  So let's talk about a man with a gun. Let's talk about a man with a gun.

• 31:28Speaker 02

  The man.

• 31:29Speaker 05

  The man with a gun. How do you come up with new adventures for James Bond after so many years? Like, what do you get the man for Christmas who's already had it all? Do you know what I mean? Yes. We literally have a globe in our office with a pin. Every country James Bond has been. Yes. Looks like a, like a pin factory. It's sort of like a pin factory.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  Exactly like a-

• 31:57Speaker 05

  It does look like a pin factory, but I think it's also because of the microwave when it exploded. I also put the globe- I put the globe in the microwave. You love, you love the microwave.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  Cannot put, can't get his hands off of a microwave. I'm thinking now, I think the only contribution you've given to any James Bond is the microwave shoe.

• 32:17Speaker 05

  Hmm, I did do the microwave shoe. You say you're across gadgets, but I think most of your pictures are kind of, you're reworking the microwave into different parts of clothing. Well, hold on a minute, because the problem is, we cannot describe our contributions as what's gotten to screen, okay? Is the only thing I've ever pitched, microwave shoe, that's gotten to screen, that's correct? That's good, that's a good point. Doesn't mean I haven't been the initial idea for something that has become big. I had one, the microwave watch, and then ten years later, there was a smart watch kind of thing with a detonator watch. So I think that is, what is the difference between a microwave and a detonator watch?

• 33:00Speaker 05

  It's, a detonator, a bomb is basically an outside microwave that heats everything up around it. This conversation always gets to this.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's always-

• 33:09Speaker 05

  It always ends there.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  You say microwave, you say an item, and then if anything is used with that item, you claim it as your own.

• 33:15Speaker 05

  I will say, I mean, things are changing.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  You said microwave gun, and now every gun that we use, you claim that you came up with it.

• 33:21Speaker 05

  Well, because what is a gun if not a microwave that shoots it directly, heat to your body or something? Heat? I think, I think it's a bullet, mate.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  What is with our accents?

• 33:34Speaker 02

  These are going all around the globe.

• 33:37Speaker 05

  Here's the thing, here's the thing. I believe it's due to the way that sort of, you know how there's international school accent? Are you aware of this?

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yes, I'm very aware of international school accent.

• 33:51Speaker 05

  And let's finally talk about it. Let's talk about international school accent. I believe there's another version in the UK where they take someone from every single part of the UK and they put them in a school in the exact centre of the island, and then everyone sort of adjusts to all kinds of accents.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  And that's where you went to school, is that what you're saying?

• 34:13Speaker 05

  Yes, I went to school at Saint Centre.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Saint Centre.

• 34:17Speaker 05

  In the centre. Saint Centre.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  By the way, I'm a devout Catholic, and I've got to say, my favourite saint is Saint Centre.

• 34:23Speaker 05

  I love Saint Centre. Saint Centre was so good. He gave so much bread to those pigeons and then got his sainthood. Politically, politically, right up the middle. Yes, yes, it's one not controversial. He, he drove all those rats out of London. Yes, yes. Speaking of religion, speaking of religion, I want to talk, do you ever think there's a, there's a world in which a Bond could be a Christian? I think they'd better not be aware that he isn't. He's Christian, isn't he? We should know. He has to be Christian. I always saw the fellow as Buddhist. He's not Buddhist. He's not Buddhist. Why couldn't he be?

• 34:58Speaker 02

  I dare say.

• 34:59Speaker 05

  He's not Buddhist. He has to be Buddhist. The atrocity of Buddhism, that James Bond could be Buddhist. James Bond is not Buddhist. If James Bond isn't a Buddhist, how on earth does he deal with the mental load of dealing with all these villains all day? He's Christian God, he's Christian God, he's not Buddhist. With prayer? No, I don't buy it. He is not Buddhist. He's meditating. He's a Buddhist. He is not Buddhist. No, but he's not Christian. He's not Buddhist. Take a look at him, he's a Buddhist man. He's not Buddhist. If he's not a Buddhist and he's not Christian, then what is he? He's not Jewish. If he's agnostic, I'll eat my hat. He's not agnostic, he's Christian.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  I always saw him as a Sunni Muslim.

• 35:46Speaker 05

  Well then, now this is interesting. Maybe we could roll back the tape.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  You never see him when it's called to prayer. He's always missing.

• 35:55Speaker 05

  I thought it was his nap. And what's he doing on Christmas Day? Have we ever seen that?

• 35:59Speaker 02

  Hmm, I don't know.

• 36:02Speaker 05

  He's not there because he's busy meditating because he's a Buddhist. He's not Buddhist.

• 36:11Speaker 05

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• 36:41Speaker 06

  I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I spoke with Dr. Laura Jayhai of Cleveland Clinic about how advanced computing is helping shorten the path from medical discovery to treatment.

• 36:54Speaker 05

  The moment that there is a compound that someone in a lab thinks it would be effective to treat a certain disease, it takes about ten to thirteen years from that moment to when that drug is on a shelf for a patient. A big part of that gap could be computationally solved. Better simulation of compounds, designing drug trials that are more efficient, that would finish faster. That was the motivation to bring computational tools and technology closer to biomedical researchers.

• 37:28Speaker 06

  Learn more about how Cleveland Clinic and IBM are using AI and quantum computing to revolutionize biomedical research at ibm.com/smarttalks. My name is Jessa. One of the things I love the most about working for United Healthcare is that everybody matters. Every moment matters. There's a person behind every problem. I care because it's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm Ben and I work at United Healthcare. I am just one piece of a larger puzzle, but every piece matters. It's more than just work. We want to make the healthcare system better for everyone. I care because I want to make a difference. That's what committed to care means to me.

• 38:17Speaker 05

  You are being a baby. I'm not being a baby. You are being a baby about this. He's a Buddhist. He's not Buddhist. No, you're, you're whining. I need you to grow up and face the music. He's Christian, like, he goes to confession. Should we talk about the plot of the latest James Bond film?

• 38:34Speaker 02

  This is very interesting because unfortunately, we were excluded from the last three Bond movies.

• 38:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, no farks, no farks, Simon Mendes. Yeah, let's be honest about this. There is a click in the writer's room.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  I mean, we love a traditional James Bond, one who's smart, smarmy, put together and polished. Nothing like the rugged, pained, sad.

• 39:04Speaker 05

  No, sort of like, uh, therapy bond.

• 39:07Speaker 02

  No, thank you.

• 39:09Speaker 05

  I don't know where in our world that they've decided to make the male protagonist scruffy, confused, and forgiving. Yeah, absolutely. And also, my James Bond does not have traps. What was that with this? Daniel Craig, what's going on on your neck?

• 39:26Speaker 02

  My James Bond has not shaved head and drinking a Heineken of, for God's sake.

• 39:33Speaker 05

  Oh, no. And to be fair, I wanted to be in the writers' rooms, but I do think, I do think Daniel Craig told us that we couldn't because he came to that Christmas party we threw and we tried to take his clothes off.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 39:46Speaker 05

  I think that's the reason. That's what we do. Every time we meet a newborn, we like to pants him like it's middle of school. Yes.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  And prove that even though he's the most secret spy in the world, he can't get past the writers.

• 40:00Speaker 05

  It's a hazing. It's sort of a hazing. It's sort of remember who your daddy is.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  Remember who your daddy is.

• 40:07Speaker 05

  And your daddy is Buddhist. He's not Buddhist. Buddhist. It's not Buddhist. He is a Buddhist man.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  The word Buddhism makes you all change your accent so quickly.

• 40:20Speaker 05

  Well, let's talk about the newest song. The newest Bond that we're cooking up.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  We are on the search.

• 40:25Speaker 05

  We're on the search, but the movie is contingent on the talent, and the talent is in motion. And we are looking at, I don't want to spoil any deals that are already in motion, but- Let's spoil some, shall we? Okay. We are talking to, we are talking to, uh, Pedro Pascal.

• 40:46Speaker 02

  The first American Bond he would be.

• 40:49Speaker 05

  Perhaps the first American Bond he would be. Talking to Josh O'Connor, that little mousy boy.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  I love that little mouse man.

• 40:57Speaker 05

  One of my favorites that we're talking to is Jonathan Bailey, a gay Bond. Gay Bond, gay Bond, can you imagine? It's a new world. The things we could do with gay Bond. Well, with a gay Bond, you don't get a Bond girl, do you? You get a Bond boy. A Bond bottom. Penis McGoldenfly. The first, the first gay man, pimp for towels. Yes. Um, uh, Balls McGee.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  Balls McGee, delicious.

• 41:35Speaker 05

  Jizz Royale.

• 41:37Speaker 02

  Jizz Royale, Jesus.

• 41:41Speaker 05

  Uh. Chest hair Dupree. Come, canter.

• 41:48Speaker 02

  Dick cock.

• 41:51Speaker 05

  Five o'clock shadow long, Shondaland.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  Shondaland?

• 41:57Speaker 05

  Like five o'clock shadow.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  I got that part. That's the part I understood.

• 42:02Speaker 05

  Shondaland was the part I, I had a question about. Oh, that's just for fun. Shlong, schlabbadoodoo. Adam Apple.

• 42:12Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 42:15Speaker 05

  That's very good. That's very good. Member, gold member.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  Member, gold, man, gold member's son.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  Ooh, but that's actually Austin Powers' character.

• 42:28Speaker 05

  That's true.

• 42:30Speaker 05

  The whole way's getting closer. Uh, uh, Lube Laurentis.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 42:37Speaker 05

  Male nipple Napoli.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  Male nipple Napoli, he's Italian.

• 42:44Speaker 05

  Taint pube. That we could do for both. I think we could do that for both. Non-binary. Non-binary Bond for a towel. Prostatia underwater.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  It's always the last name with you that I.

• 43:03Speaker 05

  It's tough to think of, you know, the body part is easy. So many other potential Bonds, it's very exciting. Yes, it's very exciting.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  But when we're looking for a Bond, I mean, we really are also looking for a villain. Who, because every Bond movie has such a distinct iconic villain. Who are some of your favorite villains from Bond movies?

• 43:27Speaker 05

  You guys go first. Oh, you want me to go first? I mean, I could. Should we all go at the same time?

• 43:32Speaker 02

  I loved Doctor No, I thought he was genius.

• 43:36Speaker 05

  Javier Bardem, loved it. M, uh, O, uh, E, O, what's, Freddie Mercury.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  Freddie Mercury.

• 43:46Speaker 05

  Rami Malek. I went Freddie Mercury played an antagonist in. Well, that's just fascinating. I'm gonna kill you. Oh, oh, oh.

• 44:00Speaker 05

  I have to run away with a gun. I'll get on a bicycle, bicycle.

• 44:05Speaker 02

  That movie flopped.

• 44:07Speaker 05

  Shake it, not stir it. Fat bottom girl, that's just the zone. You make my James Bond. Anyway, but, but, antagonists, the antagonists need to be good sometimes. Can I be honest? Can I be messy for a second? Yes. I watch these Marvel movies and I go, why do all these villains have all these weird colors and weird animals? Just give the man a bow tie and an ugly expression. That's all you need for an antagonist. Or gold teeth, like Jaws, make him big and tall, or Money Billy with a little hat with a razor on it.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Why does nobody have scars anymore? I mean, what are we thinking?

• 44:45Speaker 05

  All these antagonists need to be so animated and big. Also, I mean, everybody here has written an iconic James Bond villain monologue.

• 44:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:54Speaker 05

  Where he's tied up and they go, well, Mr. Bond, they always talk too long. That's a classic thing. James Bond villains always talk too long and then end up getting killed because they basically should have been killing James Bond while they were talking to him.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:06Speaker 05

  It's, it's kind of the I want song of the antagonist that we do because it's, it's the moment where we get to really see Bond get red for filth. Yes, well, this is, uh, here, we'll all do our, our, our I want songs, our, our Bond villain monologues. This is, uh, mine from the upcoming movie that we are still working on, um, from the villain, Casino Double Pants.

• 45:34Speaker 05

  Well, well, well, Mr. Bond, funny you find yourself here at my blackjack table. But the only thing you'll be jacking is a sentence in prison. I'm going to lock you up. Care to bet it all? Or are you too afraid?

• 45:57Speaker 05

  They always fold eventually. Guards? Guards in the casino.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Beautiful monologue. I guess when it's on paper and it's super zoomed in, it looks better than it sounds.

• 46:12Speaker 05

  You like it better at a hundred and ten percent chrome.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  The only thing you'll be jacking, which made me feel a little masturbatory. And then you said, is a jail sentence, so he's cop, he's.

• 46:23Speaker 05

  No, but I love it. So he's sort of a, he said, no, you don't, this is what you don't understand about this character. He's a casino boss, but he's in bed with the police. He's got the whole town in his fingertips.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  I know he's a casino boss, his name is Casino.

• 46:38Speaker 05

  Well, my favorite thing about these antagonists is that we pick one thing and that's it, right? Casino. Like, uh, male boy antagonist was one. No, we always. Oh, yes, I love male boy. You have to do the male boy monologue.

• 46:52Speaker 05

  It always starts with how? Well, what? Well, well, well, Mr. Bond. Sorry, I'm an assistant. This is probably gonna be dog shit. This was good.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  It was good before he took it out immediately. Go ahead.

• 47:04Speaker 05

  Well, well, well, Mr. Bond, you find yourself in a pile of postcards and blood on your face.

• 47:15Speaker 05

  Return descender? I think not. Post office doesn't have a lot of money these days, but I do.

• 47:24Speaker 05

  Cause I have been stealing from you, Bond. You stupid pussy.

• 47:34Speaker 05

  I have you all in order of P O box attack.

• 47:42Speaker 05

  Yes, I'll stick you in a box, ship you right away. How dare you think I couldn't find your address? As I drive a car with no doors, a mail truck with a bomb in the back.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  That's Male Boy. He drives a mail truck with a bomb in the back. It's very, you know, that was beautiful, I've got to say.

• 48:12Speaker 05

  Felt like a natural lull to the episode. No, good. No, I was just simply wrapped.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  Many comments about it.

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Yes, we were taking it in. But it's in this casino, there's mail.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  Crime was to steal from James Bond and then he was gonna send them back to his own address.

• 48:28Speaker 05

  I like the term P O box attack. I like how clear it was that he drove a mail truck and he described what a mail truck is kind of like, where there's no doors on the side.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  But I, and I also liked how unclear everything else was.

• 48:41Speaker 05

  Yes, yes. Well, what about yours, guys? Well, obviously a Bond villain has some giant objective that Bond is trying to stop.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  Yes, yes.

• 48:49Speaker 05

  To take over the world. So my Bond villain, one of my favorite ones that never got through was the mysterious Whiskers Delight. Who was trying to turn it into a world where cats could be used as informational gathering devices. So he was putting chips into cats and cats were scanning memories and they were basically turning all cats into robots. Yes. And he was kind of. Are you sure this wasn't a black mirror draft? Oh, this was real. This was real. This had to happen. The cat, it's the British dog. Yes, the cat's the British dog and the dog is the American. Dog.

• 49:29Speaker 05

  So he's very interesting, very flamboyant. We used to write a lot of flamboyant Bond villains. Oh, they don't let you be flamboyant. You can't be bad and flamboyant. You're either happy or flamboyant or bad and bad. Well, well, well, Mr. Bond, it turns out it looks like you're going to be buried with a kitty litter. Oh my goodness, Mr. Bond, I was trying my hardest not to kill you, scratch you up like a little scratch post. But it turns out it's time for you to go take a little cat nap in a grave. But first, how about a little kissy? Why won't you kiss me, Mr. Bond? Why won't you kiss me? Why won't you touch me, Mr. Bond? Why won't you let me hold you, Mr. Bond?

• 50:13Speaker 05

  Mr. Bond, what's wrong with me? Mr. Bond, kiss me, kiss me.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  You know, I see why we took, took out flamboyancy. I understand.

• 50:27Speaker 05

  We couldn't write it. We couldn't write it. We just couldn't nail it. And it's just like, you can't really, you can't get scared of pick me like that. He is too pick me. It's too pick me. That's the scariest thing about this villain. He's a pick me. It's so horrifying, but you can't really add anything on to that. No, but he's funny. I loved his purple suit.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  Yes, it was so fun.

• 50:47Speaker 05

  I like that he became cat-like while his minions were cats as well. Exposed ankles. Loved that.

• 50:53Speaker 02

  Beautiful, beautiful. Well, my, you know, one of my favorites was just, you know, it's, it was Professor Dark.

• 51:03Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, the school system.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  The school system.

• 51:05Speaker 05

  Oh, yes.

• 51:06Speaker 02

  How corrupt. He was taking data to switch out.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Nuclear submarines, so they would fire at each other, start a global war, and he would control the world in the chaos of it all.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  Let the monologue explain it. It's in the writing.

• 51:22Speaker 02

  Well, well, well, Mr. Bond. Looks like you've met your end of paper. Yes, the term limit is up and your writing is overdue. Because you can't stop what's going to happen next. Every deep nuclear sub will launch their nuclear warhead at the exact same time, causing a worldwide catastrophe. And there's nothing you nor anyone can stop to stop this. So let me make myself clear.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  It's over. You get an F. Goodbye.

• 52:10Speaker 05

  Can I be honest? I found it difficult to focus because it sounded really similar to the guy who does the voices on Love Island.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  Oh, yes.

• 52:19Speaker 05

  It's the same actor. It's the same actor. Ian Sterling.

• 52:23Speaker 02

  Oh, I love Ian Sterling.

• 52:24Speaker 05

  No, good guy. If Ian Sterling did Jack Sparrow.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  Wonderful.

• 52:27Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  Very wonderful.

• 52:28Speaker 05

  And they did a collab. But it was a beautiful monologue and I just wish, I think the school system was hard to put Bond in.

• 52:35Speaker 02

  It was hard.

• 52:35Speaker 05

  Because it's just like full of red tape. Well, I believe they were trying to go off of the TikTok trend of dark academia.

• 52:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 52:44Speaker 05

  We were trying to tap into this sort of, you know, this dark academia, sort of an aesthetic.

• 52:49Speaker 02

  I understand this as much as that earlier thing you were talking about.

• 52:53Speaker 05

  Oh, the shirt thing.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  International voice.

• 52:55Speaker 05

  Oh, no. Oh, no, my thing. No, it's another confusing thing I said. Oh, god.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  What is dark academia?

• 53:02Speaker 05

  Dark academia is a really fun trend.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Now, this has got my interest peaked.

• 53:09Speaker 05

  Dark academia is sort of what if school felt like Goth? What if school were lit low with big books and plaid and winter? The uniforms, the ties are a bit askew. Yes. That was disgusting. Like, you could put him in the microwave. Ooh. Like, maybe you could put the tie in the microwave. You dirty minks, you.

• 53:37Speaker 02

  Imagine what would happen if you put a tie in the microwave.

• 53:40Speaker 05

  No, I'd set you up for that and I shouldn't have done it. Now I'm thinking. Now I'm thinking like a microwave. The tie would just simply get a little warmer.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Alert, alert, emergency alert. There's a Patreon you need to subscribe to. Hold on, pause the episode.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  Oh, my god. How fun would it be to just hang out with us, like, maybe at weird times of the day, like 7:00 AM or 11:30 PM? Little peek behind the curtain. This episode was recorded between 9:00 to 5:00. But if you want to see what we're like after hours, you gotta join the Patreon. We'll recap episodes and then also we'll do weird stuff like bully Jeremy. We bully Jeremy, we make him do 12 weeks of dancing in a row, we made Patrick write an entire screenplay in one day, and we're doing an Oscars draft, so come on by. It's three bucks. See you there. Bye.

• 54:33Speaker 05

  Before we go, can we do a couple more shaking nots, studs?

• 54:37Speaker 02

  Well, yes.

• 54:37Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, James Bond entrance lines. Yes. Let's read our draft.

• 54:42Speaker 02

  Let's hit our favorite James Bond dialogue we have recently written.

• 54:47Speaker 05

  And I want to say before we go, we did not talk about the plot of the next James Bond. You're just gonna have to see. You're not gonna get that from us. And maybe that's the most informational part of this whole interview. It's that we don't have the plot unless we have the Bond. Get us the Bond, guys. Deliver us the Bond. Amazon, get us the Bond. By the way, I did want to just say really quickly, we don't have to get into it. Amazon is trying to kind of fuck with the gadgets and it's been really difficult.

• 55:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 55:11Speaker 05

  It's like Q in the newest movie. He's been like, hey, here's the gadget you need to use. It's a Cobbco three-set dresser. Yes. Oh, sunset light, 16 collar. Exactly. Yeah, I know one of the gadgets is, you have to say, hey, Alexa, to operate it.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 55:30Speaker 05

  Yes, or when Bond, we were trying that thing out when Bond orders a two-day delivery of a gun.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:36Speaker 05

  And he's checking amazon.com to see how close his gun is, and then he finds the truck. He runs into the truck, grabs it, and kills the driver.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 55:45Speaker 05

  And two days is supposed to be fast for Bond. Yeah. Anyways. Anyways. Interest lines. Let's do another round of shaking nots, stud. Come on, and just one to say goodbye.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  Yes, let's do that and also, you know, any famous James Bond signature lines that you want to try now.

• 56:03Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Sign-offs, last lines in a movie.

• 56:06Speaker 05

  Just the last line to say goodnight.

• 56:09Speaker 05

  Turns out.

• 56:13Speaker 05

  I'm James Bond.

• 56:16Speaker 05

  Well, well, well, looks like the bed overturned a lady.

• 56:26Speaker 05

  Look at that view, and I don't mean Pussy Galore's body.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  I guess these diamonds will need to go somewhere.

• 56:37Speaker 05

  Calling maid, this thing's a mess. Bartender.

• 56:44Speaker 05

  Give me a secret over ice. Turns out the only legs I'm spreading are the legs of truth.

• 56:57Speaker 05

  Bartender, get me a martini. Make it Mike's way.

• 57:04Speaker 05

  With the olive oil and... Big pile of lettuce.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  Olive oil vinegar and a big pile of lettuce. No, Mr. President, I don't need my bail, because I've met my dunna, dunna, Bond.

• 57:23Speaker 05

  Well, well, well.

• 57:24Speaker 02

  That's always well, well, well.

• 57:28Speaker 05

  Looks like I've once again found myself unprotected, in the penis, that is.

• 57:36Speaker 05

  God save the Queen and God save a kiss for me. Keep calm and carry a gun. Oh, two ladies, double O boobies. It's me, double O seven.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  Looks like my Big Ben tonight is meeting the London Eye.

• 57:57Speaker 05

  The only world you're gonna blow up is your parents' world when they get a call that you've been killed. I'm driving on the other side of the road, and so is my dick.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  Your parents are going to be so devastated when they hear the news that you've been killed.

• 58:17Speaker 05

  I guess they call me triple O seven now, for I see three women before me. Well, Doctor No, before you die, give me the phone number of your parents. Hello? Ring, ring. It's me, your crying mother. Because she just found out you're dead in a ditch and I'm having sex with Pussy Galore. Hello? Hello? Oh, Jamie, please pick up. Oh, they're saying you're gone, Jamie. Hello? Todd, get in here. They're saying Jamie's gone.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  And I hung up and gave them no answer. They'll be haunted about that call for the rest of their life.

• 59:01Speaker 05

  Well, look at that. It's two parents walking on the road crying. Guess whose parents they are? Your dead body's parents. Ha ha.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  It's funny how your grandfather will cry at your funeral, hoping that you would bury him and he not you.

• 59:17Speaker 05

  I wasn't planning on speaking at Money Penny's funeral, but here I am. It's nice to see his family here. I do him, in a way. Well, well, well, there's a woman going through menopause. It's your grieving mother.

• 59:34Speaker 02

  Your death made her enter menopause 15 years earlier than she was supposed to.

• 59:40Speaker 05

  And I'm not getting an inch close to her. Hello? Sorry. Hello, Chase Bank? I'm trying to access an account. No, I'm not the account holder. I'm the account holder's parent.

• 59:55Speaker 02

  What a mess for your parents.

• 59:57Speaker 05

  He is deceased.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  You didn't give them access and right to your account.

• 1:00:01Speaker 05

  Honey, I can't find our son's Apple ID. How will we get into his password? Oh, shoot, we gotta get his password.

• 1:00:08Speaker 02

  Yes, worse than anything, they won't be able to log into the Paramount Plus account that you have for them anymore.

• 1:00:14Speaker 05

  You foolish, dead idiot. I'm trying to watch the new Taylor Sheridan show, but I can't seem to access the account. What was the name of his pet again?

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 1:00:24Speaker 05

  Muffy? Juffy? Duffy? Oh, shoot, I can't remember. Sorry, Money Penny, your mother will never watch Paramount Plus again. No, I haven't seen what happened on Yellowstone. I'm three seasons behind. Your mother can't join a conversation about Yellowstone. Meanwhile, I'm having sex on a beach and fucking a woman.

• 1:00:49Speaker 05

  Sex on a beach is a drink.

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  Yes, those are some of the famous signature sign-off lines of James Bond, right before he kills someone, I think.

• 1:01:00Speaker 05

  God, I love them all. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. And truly, the second we get a Bond, you can expect another episode where we'll explain the plot. But we can't do the plot before the Bond. We cannot wait to show you this one. We have so many ideas of what they could be. We just need to figure out what he can do. We just gotta figure out what he looks like shirtless. We need to figure out what he can do under the laws of Buddhism, because he's a Buddhist. He's not a Buddhist. He's a Buddhist. He's not a Buddhist. He's a Buddhist. Oh, that is a question.

• 1:01:29Speaker 02

  Before we go, I have a question. What do you call something like a friendship that is tied together? What is the connection that they have? It's a dunna, dun, dunna, dun, dunna, dunna, duh, Bond.

• 1:01:53Speaker 05

  Coming to a theater near you, it's Bond and his best friend, Bond Bonds. Bond Bonds. Bond Bonds. We revealed it. The plot of the next movie. Bond Bonds. It's a friendship road trip movie. Andrew Scott and Seth Rogen are Bond Bonds, coming to theaters 2027. If you liked 80 for Brady and Nonos, you're gonna love Pond Bonds. Oh, and the Bond woman, Kiki Palmer and Scissor. That's two. What? Double, double oh seven. Uh oh, we revealed it.

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  What are you gonna do?

• 1:02:30Speaker 05

  That's okay. Let's have some pop chips. Veil it in his Wendy McClendon coffee, I don't know. This is what artists on artists on artists on artists. This is the question. Now that's why they call it showbiz. Good night Hollywood.

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  Live from the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter. Join the Patreon. We're gonna talk about this and have so much more fun.

• 1:02:49Speaker 05

  We have other writers' room episodes that we'll probably put in a little playlist. Go find it, go click on stuff. Bye.

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 1:02:55Speaker 05

  Artists on artists on artists on artists is an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast created and hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana, and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Media Podcasts. Executive produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laser Vision Productions. Music by Gabriel Ponton and edited by Conner McCabe. Funnel art by Josh Fleury and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz. Special thanks to Samuel Curtis and the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater. The opinions expressed on this podcast do not reflect the opinions of anyone who works on it, not even the performers, because this is an improvised podcast and we don't know what the heck we're talking about.

• 1:03:37Speaker 05

  Full video versions of A O A O A are available on YouTube, so please like and subscribe and leave us five star reviews wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for now. Good night Hollywood.

• 1:04:59Speaker 05

  The biggest game of the season, right here, right now.

• 1:05:03Speaker 06

  Starts Saturday strong. It's Big Noon Saturday on Fox. And here we go. It all starts at 10 Eastern with Big Noon Kickoff, live with an epic pregame. The crowd, the atmosphere, this is what makes it special. Then, it's America's number one game. What a hit. The best pregame, the best announcers, the biggest games. Down the sideline, touchdown. It's Big Noon Saturday, noon Eastern on Fox.

• 1:05:29Speaker 05

  We know kids don't hold back, and I wouldn't want them to. Get in there, make a mess, slide your home, bring on the stains. I've got OxiClean Versatile Stain Remover. It works on over 100 stains and it's America's number one stain fighter additive brand. It's color safe and chlorine free, so I use it on whites, colors, and dark fabrics. And OxiClean isn't just for laundry. Mix it with water for use all around the house, kitchens, bathrooms, and even floors. When my kids go all in, I say go for it, because I've got OxiClean to get the stains out. It's not clean unless it's OxiClean.

• 1:06:00Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.