Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Mom's Car: Erick Richardson About this episode On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car, we welcome friend of the pod, Erick Richardson. Erick, Dax, and Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through making a deal with God on a catamaran, the fruitful strategy of taking stock as payment from clients, the former fun of having an unexpected dark side, how Erick came to own 11 rare giant tortoises, and the instability of the market for a cut-off toe.
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Transcript 10,294 words · 3 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Hello and welcome to Mom's Car. Today, Aaron and I have our mutual friend Eric Richardson on. Eric and I met maybe 12 years ago. And I hated him at first, and then I fell deeply in love with him because he might be the most honest man in America. He's funny, and so sweet, and so generous, and so kind, and absolutely crazy. Please enjoy Mom's Car. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check your phones in your pocket before leaving the house. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability.
0:45 Dax Shepard? Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.
1:08 Dax Shepard? Except...
1:08 Speaker 01 Ooh, that's a big one.
1:09 Dax Shepard? Damn, Gino!
1:11 Speaker 01 More money than we made all week.
1:15 Dax Shepard? Are you on a roll, Eric, right now in the stock market?
1:17 Speaker 02 Well, the stock market's down a lot the last few days, so I don't know if I'm on a roll.
1:20 Dax Shepard? Okay, let's do a quick intro of Eric Richardson. Anyone who listens to Armchair hears Eric talked about. Bro, would you agree probably you're the most talked about? Not employee of the show?
1:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, I guess. We talk about a lot of stuff.
1:31 Dax Shepard? Yes, you come up nonstop. You are an ex-lawyer with maybe the most improbable route to being a partner in the law firm. It's one of my favorite stories, really.
1:42 Speaker 02 Here we are.
1:43 Dax Shepard? We're right here. What's the name of... Oh, sure. Hollywood Raps and Grills. So just so you know, protocols, Aaron runs in.
1:49 Speaker 02 And gets it.
1:50 Dax Shepard? And I deliver the food. So we split the duties evenly. You were unlikely to go to law school, yeah?
1:57 Speaker 02 No, I was unlikely to go to law school because I graduated 646. I had a 648 at Westlake High School at the bottom of my class. I was the third worst.
2:07 Dax Shepard? Oh, no. Oh, no.
2:09 Speaker 02 I had a D minus average.
2:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God. They let you graduate with that?
2:12 Speaker 02 I think they wanted to make people graduate. I mean, you really only need a D in a class.
2:16 Dax Shepard? What were you telling yourself while you were getting those grades, like, well, fuck it? I don't care because you had a moving business. You just think you were gonna cobble together a living?
2:23 Speaker 02 I thought I was gonna be an entrepreneur or something, and then I kind of realized reality at some point. Well, in high school, I think I'm like, I'm fucked. It doesn't really matter if you've got a C average or a D average or a B average.
2:34 Dax Shepard? Right. You're either doing good or who cares?
2:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, or who gives a shit?
2:37 Dax Shepard? How long out of high school before you decided to go to college?
2:40 Speaker 02 I went right after. I guess I figured out I didn't have anything else to do. And then I was getting bad grades my first semester in junior college. That's when I got stuck out on the catamaran.
2:51 Dax Shepard? Oh, right. Which you told on our chair anonymous.
2:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was out there and I was talking to God and I said, if you let me out of this, I will do something with my life if I can get saved.
3:00 Dax Shepard? So then when you returned to shore, what did that mean? Actually studying really hard?
3:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, I just started applying myself and started studying because I was kind of like, I've been a piece of shit my whole life.
3:09 Dax Shepard? And did you have a story that you couldn't do good in school? And then all of a sudden you just started saying you could do good in school? Like, did you have a story of why you didn't do good in school? Or is it just that you didn't care?
3:18 Speaker 02 That's a good question. I don't know. I think I liked being the class clown and
3:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
3:22 Speaker 02 getting dead baby pigs and throwing them over the quad and, you know, being that guy.
3:26 Dax Shepard? Right.
3:27 Speaker 02 But yes, I just started applying myself.
3:29 Dax Shepard? And then you go from junior college to what college?
3:32 Speaker 02 Then I went to USC.
3:34 Dax Shepard? That feels hard out of junior college. You must have had a really good grade point.
3:38 Speaker 02 Well, that's what you did.
3:39 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and I would say without patting myself on the back, I do think it's hard.
3:44 Speaker 02 I got into UCLA too, but my dad.
3:45 Dax Shepard? Oh, you did?
3:46 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
3:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God, Eric. You kept that in your vest.
3:49 Speaker 02 But I was doing business and my dad was gonna pay for it.
3:52 Dax Shepard? And it's a million times cheaper than USC.
3:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, but he said you gotta go there for the business connections.
3:59 Dax Shepard? And that working, but that's true.
4:02 Speaker 02 It did kinda end up being true because after I went to law school, I didn't have good grades in law school, but I went to an interview at a law firm in Westwood and the partner there at the time was like, well, you don't have great grades and you just worked at this small plaintiff's law firm for a couple of years, but you went to USC, so I'm the big Trojan, so I'm gonna give you a shot.
4:23 Dax Shepard? Wow.
4:24 Speaker 02 So that didn't make a big difference.
4:25 Dax Shepard? This was the guy you ended up buying the firm off?
4:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, that makes a little more sense. I don't think I knew the USC part.
4:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
4:32 Dax Shepard? So then you bought this guy out of his firm eventually, right? He wanted to retire?
4:37 Speaker 02 Well, unfortunately, he got cancer and died two years after I started. So, and it was really.
4:42 Dax Shepard? And he was a sweetheart, right? He was like a mentor?
4:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, he had four kids. He was probably 46 or something. He was young.
4:49 Dax Shepard? Can you imagine giving someone, what were you, 24 when you came out of law school? Giving some kid with shit grades?
4:55 Speaker 02 No, I don't, a chance.
4:57 Dax Shepard? Very sweet. But then he became rich.
4:58 Speaker 02 I guess.
4:59 Dax Shepard? How long did it take?
5:00 Speaker 02 A couple of years. It was funny because nobody else at that law firm wanted to buy the firm from him.
5:05 Dax Shepard? How many attorneys were there?
5:06 Speaker 02 There was like six or seven, I think, at the time. And then he taught me a way to make money as an attorney. Not a lot of people did, but he would take stock in companies.
5:15 Dax Shepard? As part of his.
5:16 Speaker 02 As part of his compensation. So I kept doing that and then we ended up growing it to like, I don't know, 30 attorneys.
5:23 Dax Shepard? 30 attorneys? It's hard to imagine you managing 30 employees.
5:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was definitely not a good manager. I had a partner named Neemish who kinda managed the day to day stuff. As you know, I still had a drug problem at the time.
5:37 Dax Shepard? Right, right.
5:38 Speaker 02 You?
5:38 Dax Shepard? What's the timeframe from like starting there until you're taking a million dollar honeymoon with Molly?
5:46 Dax Shepard? Very quickly, right?
5:47 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was like four or five years.
5:49 Dax Shepard? Four or five years? And how steady was it? Like, what were you making first year?
5:54 Speaker 02 When I first got hired, he paid me like 60 grand a year.
5:57 Dax Shepard? Okay, so year one, 60 grand.
5:58 Speaker 02 Then it probably doubled.
6:00 Dax Shepard? We're learning his lawyer history.
6:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:02 Dax Shepard? I hope you read on camera as how improbable this story is. It's like when you hear a story about Aaron and I and you're like, wait, are you guys bad people?
6:11 Speaker 02 Yeah. I don't see how you made it out of Detroit.
6:14 Dax Shepard? Okay, so 60 grand the first year?
6:16 Speaker 02 I kept doubling probably for a couple of years.
6:18 Dax Shepard? Okay, so 120, then 240 by year three?
6:21 Speaker 02 And then by year five, I was making a lot.
6:23 Dax Shepard? Millions?
6:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:25 Dax Shepard? Like five million a year?
6:27 Speaker 02 In a good year?
6:28 Dax Shepard? I'm kind of reverse engineering because I know the stories from this era and how you were living, like buying a Ford GT, buying a Ferrari, running from the police, lawyers, three-month honeymoon. You have to have a lot of money to do that.
6:40 Speaker 02 And I think what we did is we got lucky on a couple. That was before 2008. So it was like 2005, 2006, 2007.
6:46 Dax Shepard? Okay.
6:47 Speaker 02 The stock market was cranking and we represented a lot of small companies and we take stock in them. And some of them just did really well in that time period.
6:54 Dax Shepard? Do you remember your biggest payout?
6:56 Speaker 02 No, I'd be guessing.
6:57 Dax Shepard? Are you embarrassed to say it or because you know numbers? This is a good story. It's a loser with a D minus grade point average graduating who figured it out. This is like as good as it gets. This is like a Manhattan in the 1930s story.
7:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, don't be embarrassed. Well, yeah. It's just becoming an attorney though. It's not like I became a movie star.
7:18 Dax Shepard? Surgeon.
7:18 Speaker 02 It's not like I started one of the biggest podcasts.
7:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, come on now, come on now.
7:23 Speaker 02 Being a thug from Detroit.
7:25 Dax Shepard? No, I think it's more impressive what you did. All right. So you're not going to tell me how much money you made.
7:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was millions of dollars a year.
7:31 Dax Shepard? And easy come, easy go, right? You really had no problem just spending the shit out of it.
7:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:36 Dax Shepard? Or did you wrestle with, I should be saving, or did it just seem like endless? Like I've got a formula and this is going to work forever.
7:43 Speaker 02 It did seem a little bit because I was young still. I was in my early 30s or not even 30 and it seemed like it was.
7:49 Dax Shepard? Imagine early 30s, making whatever number you want to tell us.
7:54 Speaker 02 Big, it's a big number.
7:57 Dax Shepard? And being a drug addict?
7:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's where it got bad.
7:59 Dax Shepard? You would have just been able to buy drugs without giving a flying fuck. It would be immaterial what any of the drugs cost.
8:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was too scared to buy them directly from anybody though. So I had one of the attorneys who worked for me.
8:11 Dax Shepard? Yeah. You had a lot of intermediaries.
8:13 Speaker 02 Intermediaries, like three intermediaries.
8:15 Dax Shepard? Oh, baby. A dream. Out of laziness or fear of going to jail?
8:19 Speaker 02 Fear of talking to a drug dealer.
8:21 Dax Shepard? Uh huh.
8:22 Speaker 02 Cause you get like this barge for that probably.
8:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay. Yeah, fear of losing the, what you just got yourself into. Fear of schguns. Fear of knives.
8:31 Speaker 02 I did get my felony invading arrest during that time.
8:35 Dax Shepard? So that's interesting, Eric, cause I'll speak for me, but I'm pretty certain it's the same for Aaron. The danger of it was part of the fuel for it. Cause I think both of us were endlessly trying to prove we were fearless. So you'd be afraid of us and not hurt us. And the notion of just walking into a neighborhood in downtown Detroit and finding crack and finding a pipe. And the whole nine was weirdly part of the narrative we were crafting that we were like.
9:05 Speaker 02 It was kinda sexy.
9:07 Dax Shepard? I don't know, did you feel that way? I liked it as much as. The drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it's scary. Everyone's got a gun that you're talking to. They're all young dudes and you gotta be a little cocky. You can't go down there and be terrified or they'll just take your money. So this whole bravado you gotta have, but not too much where they then just kick your ass or kill you because you deserve it. Like joking with them right away was part of the appeal for me.
9:34 Speaker 02 And I loved having like a bag of coke in my pocket and being at a business meeting with a bunch of lawyers. When I was young like that, it seemed funny. It doesn't really seem funny anymore now that I got family and whatnot. But it seemed like so ridiculous that I had this whole dark side.
9:49 Dax Shepard? Yeah, cause you're always telling a story about yourself in your head, right? You're like, oh yeah, they don't know. Like I'm a bad boy. I might be an attorney, but.
9:57 Speaker 02 I'm crazy, I'm crazy.
9:59 Dax Shepard? But I shit my pants once a week in meetings.
10:03 Speaker 02 I had my 30 pair of underwear in my cabinet that my secretary would buy me monthly.
10:11 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and you were really good at surrounding yourself with like moms, right? A lot of moms that worked for you, not even if they were or weren't real moms.
10:18 Speaker 02 They were very nurturing.
10:19 Dax Shepard? Everyone wants to nurture you. I wanna nurture you. You definitely have that attractive quality where you wanna take care of Eric and nurture him.
10:26 Speaker 02 Thank you. I guess that's probably why Molly married me too.
10:32 Speaker 01 You noticed a trend with Dax and his friends? This guy's been nurturing me for a fucking long time, man.
10:40 Dax Shepard? Dude, this is no wonder I wanted kids. I was trying to have them since 12 years old.
10:46 Dax Shepard? When I met you, you'd already sold the firm.
10:49 Speaker 02 Yeah. You know, in 2008, with the great financial crisis, it became less lucrative to be an attorney. And that's when I got a really bad drug problem is because then I was financially stressed out.
11:01 Dax Shepard? Right.
11:02 Speaker 02 For like 2008, 2009, 2010, my second time in rehab was about 2012, I think.
11:09 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. It's been 13 years now since we met?
11:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:12 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God.
11:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:13 Dax Shepard? So you sold it because you were like, I can't be sober and have this. You fucking hated it?
11:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, I hated it. First of all, it was all hourly and I'm just not a good manager of people. You kind of got to be a dick to be a good manager. I'm just not very good at telling people what to do. I brought in a lot of clients, so you have to have a good personality and you have to be on.
11:33 Dax Shepard? Right.
11:34 Speaker 02 And so the way I would get on was finally I would figure out if I snorted a bunch of Ritalin, I would have a lot of energy and be able to talk intensely.
11:43 Dax Shepard? I want to be on the other side of that business meeting. If you ever thought about going public, we could have you public in nine days. Yes, I'll take 12% equity, but you will be flying.
11:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was that type of attorney. One of my ways of getting clients is I would, twice a year, I would send a letter to every public company in the United States. So I'd send like, I don't know, 6,000 letters out.
12:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, my goodness.
12:05 Speaker 02 And I'd say, I'm your attorney. These are the rates.
12:09 Dax Shepard? I'm your attorney.
12:10 Speaker 02 You need to change your offer.
12:11 Dax Shepard? The clock has started.
12:12 Speaker 02 I'll take stock. So I kind of did have that hierarchy.
12:15 Dax Shepard? And of the 6,000 submissions, what was the conversion rate?
12:18 Speaker 02 If I got six clients or five clients, it would be great.
12:21 Dax Shepard? But that's great.
12:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, it was great.
12:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, boy, you really did do the work.
12:25 Speaker 02 At least when I was doing it, there's no securities firm who would lower themselves to such a degree to send out letters to CEOs of beginning of his clients.
12:33 Dax Shepard? But you were laughing all the way to a three-month honeymoon.
12:38 Speaker 02 I mean, even my partner in Emish at the time, he's like, you sure you want to do this?
12:41 Dax Shepard? Felt desperate and slow read.
12:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, the more clients we get, the better.
12:45 Dax Shepard? Don't take offense to this. You would have been an incredible personal injuries attorney, but you landed in securities.
12:50 Speaker 02 Right, which everybody's super conservative. So I was the guy who's like, I'm just gonna go over the top.
12:55 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
12:55 Speaker 02 And I annoy a lot of people, but a lot of people love me.
12:58 Speaker 01 Did you take the three month honeymoon when you were still part of the firm?
13:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:04 Speaker 01 So your partner was like, okay, cool.
13:06 Speaker 02 Maybe they were happy to get rid of me, but you do something like that, I think if you plan it way ahead, I'm gonna be gone for three months, so let's figure this out. And I probably didn't take a salary or something. I probably made it fair.
13:16 Dax Shepard? Okay. Now, the other fascinating thing about you that I always tell people, and in fact, if I'm telling a story about you and I've not seen that they're registering Eric, I always go, my friend went to tortoises. And they go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't ever make it through a description of you without explaining how you came to own 11 giant tortoises.
13:36 Speaker 02 It's only six now.
13:37 Dax Shepard? Now, we're down to six, but it was started at 11, right?
13:40 Speaker 02 I think it started at like 10, and four of them have passed.
13:44 Dax Shepard? Their fight is over.
13:45 Speaker 02 Their fight is over.
13:46 Dax Shepard? Their Bel Air fight is over.
13:49 Dax Shepard? Just tell everyone why you got those tortoises.
13:52 Speaker 02 We had moved into our house and we had some area at the bottom of the hill and a tortoise guy somehow got in contact with me. I don't even remember how I found him.
14:01 Dax Shepard? You were using drugs.
14:02 Speaker 02 I was using drugs, and that's why I ended up with 10 of them, because I wouldn't have done that, nor would I have landscaped my entire backyard, an acre of it, and put in trees and a little vineyard.
14:13 Dax Shepard? This to describe your property, if someone blindfolded you and took you to this property and took the blindfold out and just said, guess whose house this is, you'd go, Walt Disney's?
14:21 Speaker 02 Right.
14:21 Dax Shepard? It feels like you've made Epcot or something.
14:23 Speaker 02 That's how I tried to do it, where there's like different areas had different feelings, like there's that rainforest area and there's like the avocado area.
14:31 Dax Shepard? Just like this, yeah, walking from zone to zone.
14:36 Speaker 02 But so this guy comes over to the house and he's like, hey, man, I got these tortoises. They're rare.
14:42 Dax Shepard? They're rearing to go.
14:43 Speaker 02 They're rearing to go. I thought you were gonna say that too.
14:45 Dax Shepard? They're ready for ownership. They can't wait.
14:48 Speaker 02 They were endangered, I think.
14:51 Speaker 02 I'm like, well, these are cool. I don't know. They were about as big as your hand, maybe a little bit bigger than your hand. And he said, uh, if you take 10 of them, I'll give them to you for 1,200 bucks each. And he wanted like 2,000 each or somethings. And then he said, and if you buy them, when they start having babies, I'll pay you a thousand dollars for each baby.
15:11 Dax Shepard? Right.
15:12 Speaker 02 And so I'm thinking, well, I can maybe have kind of a tortoise farm and have these tortoises and then sell the babies.
15:17 Dax Shepard? Now, can I ask a dumb question? Weren't all 10 of these from the same litter?
15:22 Speaker 02 I don't think so.
15:23 Dax Shepard? He mixed in Matt.
15:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:25 Dax Shepard? Cause how are they gonna breed if they're all siblings?
15:27 Speaker 02 Right. I think they were, I don't know. We didn't get into that.
15:30 Dax Shepard? Nitty gritty of it all.
15:33 Speaker 02 I, I think I just got excited about the idea of a tortoise farm. So I bought them.
15:38 Dax Shepard? And they lay a lot of eggs, right? Each turtle could be dumping 10 eggs at a grand a pop.
15:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think they might only have like four eggs each.
15:47 Dax Shepard? A lifetime.
15:48 Speaker 02 The problem is, the major problem became, and I only learned this after I bought the tortoises, but they don't start breeding until they're 30 years old.
15:56 Dax Shepard? Uh oh.
15:57 Speaker 02 So that became kind of a problem.
15:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's a lot of maintenance waiting around. Yeah. How many years ago did you buy these? Some of them are 300 pounds?
16:05 Speaker 02 More than 300, maybe like 350 for the bigger ones. Bought them in 2008.
16:11 Dax Shepard? They're 17 years old?
16:12 Speaker 02 17 years old. They're not old enough to have babies yet.
16:14 Dax Shepard? Little, half life. 13 years and you'll be fucking rolling in that. You can keep them alive. At this rate, you'll probably be down to a couple.
16:24 Speaker 02 But I definitely have several hundred thousand dollars in these tortoises. I mean, their food is 1,500 dollars a month.
16:32 Dax Shepard? And you bought them because you had read that sailors used to stop by the Galapagos and put them in the boat so that they would have a thousand pounds of fresh meat in case they were shipwrecked?
16:43 Speaker 02 Right. They're not Galapagos tortoises though, cause those are actually illegal to own.
16:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay.
16:48 Speaker 02 They're called Aldabra tortoises and those are from the Seychelles. But it's the same thing as the Seychelles are a group of islands that the sailors would go to and take these tortoises. You can't really bring a cow on a boat. So you would bring a tortoise and you'd have fresh meat.
17:01 Dax Shepard? Well, you can bring a cow and then you'd have to bring another boat of hay behind it.
17:04 Speaker 02 Right, right, right, right.
17:05 Dax Shepard? All right. And then you eat like bales of hay. A little tiny boat and then a huge barn.
17:12 Speaker 02 It's not to wait so much. It's uh, the area the hay takes up.
17:17 Speaker 02 I love that your guys' humor, it's always like somehow you guys think of the most ridiculous thing possible and then you picture it in your head and it's really fun.
17:27 Dax Shepard? Well, I think that's our gift is we're picturing the same thing miraculously. I think that's like, what, 35 years together. This morning, we were eating breakfast, we have long had a product, we've told you about it. We want to have a product called Bob's Paper Towel. And it's way thicker and stronger than normal paper towel. And it's mostly for workmen to keep in their truck in case they have to pee. You can just pee into the paper towel. Super absorbent.
17:51 Speaker 01 This started when we were, we would wrap Dax's trash can and Big Brown, we're driving. We're like, if you only could wrap the trash can to pee in there. So you didn't have to pee in a bottle, you could just pee right into the trash can.
18:05 Speaker 02 Right.
18:05 Speaker 01 Then we thought Bob's Paper Towel would absorb that. Always would be real dehydrated, so the pee would stink. It would be real, real gold in color, yeah.
18:17 Dax Shepard? Like yellow motor oil coming out. 156, is this me?
18:20 Speaker 02 Oh, next.
18:22 Dax Shepard? Bob's Paper Towel evolved into Bob Roberts Paper Towel today.
18:26 Speaker 01 Bill Roberts.
18:27 Dax Shepard? Bill Roberts, sorry, Bill Roberts Paper Towel. And then we were saying, he stands by the product so much, he puts his home address on every, every roll of Bill Roberts Paper Towel. And then we said, if I'm not available, please call my wife Linda. And then it became Bill and Linda Roberts Extra Thick Paper Towel with their own address and their phone number.
18:49 Speaker 01 Both have their phone numbers?
18:52 Speaker 02 And why does it have their phone numbers on it?
18:55 Dax Shepard? In case you have any questions about the product.
18:57 Speaker 02 Okay.
18:57 Dax Shepard? They're so confident in the product.
19:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:01 Dax Shepard? If you have any problem.
19:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, here's our address and phone number.
19:04 Dax Shepard? Here's our address and phone number. They know damn well sure no one's gonna call.
19:08 Speaker 02 No one's, because they're such good.
19:09 Dax Shepard? Not Mike, because the product's so fucking robust.
19:11 Speaker 01 No one's gonna get, tear through that paper towel.
19:13 Dax Shepard? And we were picturing the commercial is, I mean, standing him directly in front of the toilet, but for some reason he preferred pee in Bill and Linda Roberts Extra Thick Paper Towel. And then about six men in a urinal, all peeing in paper towel.
19:29 Speaker 01 We figure by the end, you don't even need a sink in your house.
19:32 Dax Shepard? No.
19:33 Speaker 01 Or plumbing at all, really. You're peeing in there, you're cleaning your plates off and.
19:40 Dax Shepard? If you have like a half carafe of coffee that's left over, just pour it on the Bob's paper towel and put it in the trash. And then eventually you can remove your sink and have more space for Bill and Linda.
19:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, more counter space for paper towel storage.
19:57 Dax Shepard? Anyways, we were like stored inside this restaurant and there's only one other woman inside. And she was young and I think I'm judgmental of young people sometimes. It looked like she was emo and was upset just to be alive. And then I thought she must be so annoyed with us laughing. And we were leaning and she said, oh my God, you two, thank you for all that laughter.
20:17 Speaker 01 She said, I needed that this morning.
20:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah. And I go, oh my God, our wives feel much differently. It's so nice to hear that you liked us losing our shit in an empty restaurant. Bill and Linda Roberts.
20:30 Speaker 01 I'd love to know if she like made any sense out of what we're talking about.
20:34 Dax Shepard? By the way, guys, this delivery was a fucking blessing. We've been in the car for like a half hour.
20:39 Speaker 02 So do we know if that number that's $16 is with tip or without tip or we figured that out yet?
20:43 Speaker 01 It's with tip.
20:45 Speaker 02 It's with tip.
20:46 Dax Shepard? That's with tip?
20:47 Speaker 01 Yeah. Yes, I can't even explain that.
20:52 Speaker 01 We might have to talk to chat GPT.
20:54 Dax Shepard? We're in Sunland. Like this is where I get my cars worked on.
20:57 Speaker 02 I mean, this is only like 20 minutes, right?
20:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it's pretty great.
21:01 Speaker 01 Bill and Linda Roberts, paper towel.
21:04 Dax Shepard? Extra thick.
21:04 Speaker 01 Extra absorbent.
21:06 Dax Shepard? For urinating and all, everything.
21:09 Speaker 02 You had Mike's hard coffee where you had to buy a barrel of it?
21:13 Speaker 01 Yes, 50 gallon drum.
21:17 Dax Shepard? You have to own a truck to buy Mike's coffee. They don't want you to borrow a truck. If you have to borrow a truck, you really shouldn't be drinking Mike's coffee.
21:25 Speaker 01 You have to own a truck and have two friends.
21:29 Dax Shepard? And you get a 12% discount if it's a work truck.
21:34 Dax Shepard? And the coffee's not good, but it works the same as good coffee.
21:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:37 Dax Shepard? It's the slogan.
21:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, doesn't taste great.
21:40 Dax Shepard? No, but the caffeine is there.
21:41 Speaker 01 It'll get you.
21:42 Dax Shepard? Cause we were saying, we hate having to go get coffee. Running out of coffee is what this product really addresses.
21:49 Speaker 01 Right.
21:50 Dax Shepard? It's the last coffee you'll ever buy.
21:53 Speaker 01 So you gotta store it outside, of course, cause it's a 50 gallon drop.
21:58 Dax Shepard? It's a barrel of coffee.
22:00 Speaker 01 Make sure it's covered well during.
22:01 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it's raining. And over the years, there's gonna be rust and.
22:06 Speaker 01 Then you gotta climb in there after it's halfway done.
22:09 Dax Shepard? And we make no guarantee. Everything is sold as is.
22:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're on your own.
22:13 Dax Shepard? I'm Mike's coffee.
22:15 Speaker 01 You gotta bring your own toaster or your own tie down.
22:20 Dax Shepard? Add your own tarp.
22:29 Dax Shepard? By the way, we keep forgetting to do it, but we can put on there that I pick up liquor. That's what we really wanna do.
22:35 Speaker 01 Oh, right.
22:35 Dax Shepard? Cause we wanna show up to a party, like a bunch of people waiting for all that booze. And then they're of course gonna meet you at the door, unlike most people who just say, leave that door.
22:45 Speaker 01 No, they have to. Liquor has to, cause you got the idea.
22:49 Dax Shepard? Well, someone in this business had a hankering for something all the way out in Los Feliz.
22:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, and they paid top dollar for a fucking sandwich.
22:56 Dax Shepard? Meet at the door.
22:57 Speaker 01 Nobody give a shit.
22:59 Dax Shepard? Was it like a famous restaurant? You know, like, oh my God, I gotta get.
23:02 Speaker 01 No, yeah.
23:03 Dax Shepard? It looked like they just opened.
23:06 Dax Shepard? Maybe it's his brother.
23:09 Speaker 01 So much shit going on there. Tattoo on his neck, huh? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he went right for it, didn't he? That's going big. He went big or went home.
23:22 Dax Shepard? Okay, I'm sorry, were you guys in the middle of something?
23:24 Speaker 01 Oh, no, no, no, we were talking about your neck tattoo.
23:26 Dax Shepard? Oh.
23:26 Speaker 01 And he said, well, it's real big.
23:29 Dax Shepard? Is it?
23:29 Speaker 01 Well, no, no, I said, I said you went big. You went big, sorry. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's aggressive.
23:35 Dax Shepard? I feel like it should be bigger. I can't see it, I guess.
23:37 Speaker 01 No, I know, it looks.
23:38 Dax Shepard? It's plenty big.
23:39 Speaker 01 It's perfect.
23:41 Dax Shepard? It's a perfect.
23:42 Speaker 02 There's something about neck tattoos where, I don't know, subconsciously you go, that guy could kill you. Obviously, you're very nice, but if I like random person.
23:50 Speaker 01 Well, then when you ask them what it means and you're like, oh, this guy's cool.
23:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:54 Dax Shepard? Oh, January 2nd, Capricorn. That's the Wimpy.
23:58 Speaker 01 Definitely cool.
24:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:00 Dax Shepard? You believe in astrology? No, only so far as it makes me the same as my friend.
24:08 Dax Shepard? I just like the sea and Capricorn, actually. You can keep the rest of the word.
24:14 Speaker 02 At that point, it's like a Disney tattoo.
24:16 Dax Shepard? Yeah, in escalation, I'm sure, right, neck is still before face. When you meet someone with face tattoos, it's hard not to think like, this person has nothing to lose. They've decided, I don't need to get hired. I got a whole nother story going on. Even I get a little scared. But I do think these younger kids, you've got like Post Malone, that guy seems super sweet.
24:34 Speaker 01 He's the sweetest, right?
24:35 Dax Shepard? And then Teddy Swims, he's got all the face tattoos and he's a sweet boy.
24:39 Speaker 02 I mean, I'm from West LA, so I never knew anybody with tattoos before I met you guys.
24:44 Dax Shepard? None of your friends in high school have tattoos?
24:46 Speaker 02 And none of my friends I can think of in West LA have a tattoo.
24:48 Dax Shepard? Really?
24:49 Speaker 02 Wow.
24:49 Dax Shepard? Because I also feel like it's something that 45-year-old dads are like, I always wanted one. My son was gonna get one, so we decided to get these matching Tasmanian devils.
24:59 Speaker 01 Always with the Tasmanian devil. Everyone with the Tas.
25:03 Dax Shepard? Should we do a moral dumbfounding question with Eric? That feels fun because.
25:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:07 Dax Shepard? Eric has very, well, fuck, I almost feel like Eric should make one up. But maybe you'll think of one because your pastime in social settings is to ask really hard questions. You even ruined like a double date once.
25:19 Speaker 02 Yes, with the which kid would you pick to die question?
25:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
25:22 Speaker 02 And everybody has an answer, but most people won't answer them.
25:25 Dax Shepard? I know you say that everyone has an answer, but I don't know that I do.
25:29 Speaker 02 Well, I think what it does, and the question is, if you were in a creek, a dam broke, and both your kids were there, and you can only save one.
25:36 Speaker 01 It's a tough one to answer.
25:37 Dax Shepard? And if answered, best to do privately.
25:41 Speaker 02 Everybody has one in their head, but that's why it's fun asking at a dinner party.
25:44 Dax Shepard? Well, you asked it and it caused an actual fight between the man and wife.
25:47 Speaker 02 Right.
25:48 Dax Shepard? You regretted that a little bit?
25:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, my wife wasn't too happy.
25:51 Speaker 01 Okay, this one's fun, what I perceive as fun.
25:56 Dax Shepard? This one's a good time.
25:57 Speaker 01 Cannibalism consent. A man volunteers to have a part of his body, his foot, amputated, and then eaten by a willing participant. Both parties consent and no one is harmed beyond what they agreed to. Is this morally wrong?
26:13 Dax Shepard? Do you guys remember that 15 years ago when the internet was still sending new? Where this woman, her fantasy was to be raped and killed by a man? And then the man, six states over, they were communicating and they worked out this agreement? And then he was en route to do it and somehow he got arrested?
26:32 Speaker 02 Oh, wow.
26:33 Dax Shepard? But people were like, what's the rules there?
26:35 Speaker 02 Cause there was consent.
26:36 Dax Shepard? The person wants to be murdered.
26:38 Speaker 01 Rape and murder?
26:39 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
26:40 Speaker 02 I don't think you can rape and murder somebody.
26:42 Dax Shepard? No, I mean, yeah, yeah, even with consent.
26:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:45 Speaker 01 That doesn't fall into the assisted suicide.
26:48 Dax Shepard? Right, I mean, what's the line?
26:49 Speaker 02 Assisted suicide is still murder, right, in California?
26:52 Dax Shepard? Is it still? I know Oregon it's not. Everyone's been loosening their laws on that.
26:57 Speaker 02 Why did the person want their foot eaten? Just because?
27:00 Speaker 01 Just because.
27:01 Dax Shepard? He likes the idea of someone eating his foot.
27:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, they both like the idea. One guy wants to eat a foot and the other guy wants to chop his foot off and let the guy eat it.
27:08 Dax Shepard? Also, it doesn't say the gender of the eater, but we are all.
27:12 Speaker 01 Of course we are, right? Cause men are sick.
27:17 Dax Shepard? Something really wrong with us.
27:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, I pictured two men right away. Two disgusting men.
27:26 Dax Shepard? One who gets off on having his foot eaten and the other guy.
27:29 Speaker 01 The thought of eating someone's foot is fucking.
27:31 Dax Shepard? It's just all bone.
27:32 Speaker 01 It's insane.
27:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you couldn't pick a fucking.
27:35 Speaker 01 If that question said like, slice off a piece of your ass cheek?
27:39 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
27:40 Speaker 01 A foot though.
27:41 Dax Shepard? Bony foot.
27:42 Speaker 01 Oh, God, and a man's foot, dude, Jesus Christ.
27:46 Dax Shepard? That man's yellow, callous, gross toenails. A little barbecue sauce. Smoke, you'd have to smoke it for sure to get that meat. What little meats on there, tenderized.
28:01 Dax Shepard? Stay tuned for more Mom's Car.
28:05 Dax Shepard? Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. You know, it reminds me of all those times when checking first really pays off. Like that time I didn't check the weather before planning a backyard barbecue. Rookie mistake. Or how about when you're about to head out on a road trip and you know to check your tire pressure first? It's those little check first moments that save us from bigger headaches later. I mean, think about it. You always check if you have your wallet before sitting down at a restaurant, right? Or make sure you've got your keys before closing the front door? These are just smart moves we all make. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability.
28:48 Dax Shepard? Allstate North American Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmigiana delivered. A day at the lake? That's a no. A Philly cheesesteak? That's a yes. An afternoon stroll? Sorry, no. A burrito bowl? Happily yes. What about a day of sunshine? Not happening. A box of fine chocolates? Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way. Okay, how about some clear skies? Nope. Well, then how about some french fries? Yep. A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes? Yes, yes, that. How about a freshly cut lawn? Can't help you there, but barbecued prawns?
29:33 Dax Shepard? Order it and it's on its way. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.
29:46 Speaker 02 That makes me think of like another sort of similar moral question is could Bill Gates have a game show where he gave people like $20 million to cut off their hand? And everybody was consenting and their whole life was changed from cutting off the hand. It would make a good show.
30:05 Dax Shepard? I don't know about a good show, but people would watch the show. Yeah, it'd make a hit show, but I don't know.
30:10 Speaker 02 I guess I was thinking, is that illegal? Nobody else is cutting off the hand. The guy who's getting paid is cutting off his own hand and he's just getting paid for that.
30:19 Speaker 01 I would love to watch that show.
30:21 Dax Shepard? Well, there's two questions, right? There's, I guess there's a legal question. Could you structure that arrangement in a way that's legal? There's a moral. Question. I'd say morally it's wrong to want to see someone cut off their hand or foot and suffer because you have the means to make that a tempting situation. That feels morally repugnant to me to desire that, no?
30:46 Speaker 02 It does, but I'm sure there's some showrunner who would make the show if they can make money. And like Aaron said, people would watch it.
30:53 Dax Shepard? So when we prepped cars together, which we did for 14 years, and I'm talking thousands and thousands and thousands of cars, like on every car show for the long lead show, we would ship like 120 cars to Wisconsin and we would prep all 120 every night and we would towel off all 120 every morning for like 12 days straight. So just even in that week, we would prep 1,300 cars.
31:18 Speaker 02 Wow.
31:18 Dax Shepard? 16 hours a day, you're fucking prepping cars. And we're all teenagers or young twenties and you're bored out of your mind and we just play endless scenario games like this. And one was how much to punch your mom in the face.
31:31 Speaker 02 Right.
31:31 Dax Shepard? As hard as you could.
31:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay.
31:34 Dax Shepard? And it's mostly all guys that we worked with.
31:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:37 Dax Shepard? You know, we're going through everyone's answer. My cousin was really cheap. I was like, oh, it was a little bit telling, I think, of how you felt. Your mom.
31:47 Speaker 02 You could share the money with your mom afterwards.
31:49 Dax Shepard? Okay, so initially I had said.
31:52 Speaker 02 And this is when you guys didn't have money?
31:54 Dax Shepard? We were broke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were working like 100 hours a week to make $1,000 a week.
31:59 Speaker 02 Right, right, right, right.
32:00 Dax Shepard? And initially I was like, I couldn't punch my mom in the face as hard as I could for any amount of money. I just couldn't do it, even if I intellectually wanted to.
32:09 Speaker 02 She would be mad at you because of that.
32:10 Dax Shepard? That's what I figured out later is like, at some point, if I told my mom, hey, you're gonna be proud of me, I turned down $10 million to punch you in the face, she might go, well, fuck, I would way rather get punched in the face.
32:24 Speaker 02 Work on my ass off.
32:25 Dax Shepard? Than work for the next 20 years to make that amount of money. And she might be mad at me.
32:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:31 Dax Shepard? So then it became another layer was like, do they know why you're doing it? Are they in on it? Yeah, like if you had to keep it a secret. At least all the way through the punching and then the ride to the hospital.
32:43 Speaker 02 It's a secret.
32:44 Dax Shepard? It's a secret. Good news when she wakes up.
32:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:48 Dax Shepard? For Shandor Khan's. Good news, mom, you're rich.
32:55 Speaker 02 Now that's a show.
32:57 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and we play these games, every single scenario you could think of. There's an older guy we worked with, his hygiene was really rough. I was like, how much to eat his ass?
33:06 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:08 Speaker 01 I'll ask my kids.
33:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, like how much to kiss him?
33:10 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
33:12 Dax Shepard? And you just discover really funny things, like straight guys might prefer to blow him than to make out with him. Alright, like some counterintuitive.
33:22 Speaker 02 Right.
33:22 Dax Shepard? Things would pop up.
33:23 Speaker 02 Who, your dad?
33:24 Dax Shepard? Oh, no, but that can't.
33:26 Speaker 02 That always can. Right, right, right, right, right.
33:29 Dax Shepard? No, just this guy we worked with who had bad hygiene.
33:31 Speaker 02 Oh, got it. Oh, I see.
33:32 Dax Shepard? It was way older than us.
33:33 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, so you'd rather, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:34 Dax Shepard? How much to get buttfucked by him, how much to buttfuck him, how much to blow him, how much to make out with him. And sometimes you're like, wait a minute, it costs you way more to make out with him than to buttfuck him? That's weird. Huh, let's think about that. Okay, so I'll go first with this foot thing. This isn't very hard for me, this is fine.
33:52 Speaker 02 Same.
33:53 Dax Shepard? Like, I don't care if someone wants to cut their foot off and then another guy wants to eat it.
33:56 Speaker 02 But you wouldn't be okay with that if the guy was getting paid to get his foot cut off?
34:01 Dax Shepard? Because I think you're exploiting someone in a vulnerable situation. I think anytime you're leveraging money over someone who's very desperate, morally, that's wrong. There's no, like, disenfranchised person in this story. Let's say it's a well-to-do man, he's not gonna make any money off of getting his foot cut off.
34:18 Speaker 02 He just likes the thought of somebody eating him.
34:20 Dax Shepard? He loves that idea. And then the guy wants to eat the foot, he's not financially compromised at all either.
34:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, I guess it's morally okay.
34:29 Dax Shepard? Because if you take your thing about Bill Gates, it's an easy argument for you to persuade yourself because you're saying twenty million dollars and that's very life-changing, right?
34:38 Speaker 02 Right.
34:38 Dax Shepard? But then take that to what was happening in real life on YouTube, which is like offering two bums twenty dollars to fight each other and get hurt. It's gruesome and terrible and whatever asshole gave them twenty dollars is a piece of shit.
34:51 Speaker 02 I guess I was thinking from the legality of it and the fact that it could be a successful show. But morally, it would be bad.
35:02 Speaker 01 First of all.
35:06 Dax Shepard? You should be a TV executive. That should be your third career.
35:09 Speaker 02 Another question I'll ask parents who have a newly born baby. It's a black and white question where some parents say, oh, absolutely. And some are like, why would you even ask that question?
35:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
35:19 Speaker 02 But with the new baby in their arms, I ask, would you cut off their little toe for $10 million right now? Would you just take it off with some pronitures or a knife? And you have to do it yourself.
35:31 Dax Shepard? Oh.
35:31 Speaker 02 Most people will do it for $10 million.
35:34 Dax Shepard? Really?
35:34 Speaker 02 I would say 60% of the people will do it for $10 million. And then 40% of the people think it's a horrible, horrible question.
35:41 Speaker 01 I would absolutely say no, but I think I would have said yes.
35:44 Speaker 02 What if it was a hundred?
35:45 Speaker 01 At some point in my life.
35:46 Speaker 02 Maybe 100 million is a better question, a better number. Cause then they're set forever. They don't need to worry about money.
35:52 Dax Shepard? Well, you have to ask yourself, when this kid turns 18 and I tell them, hey, guess what? I had an opportunity to cut off your pinky toe and you'd have 100 million dollars right now. Aren't you glad I did cut off your pinky toe? And if they go, why would you do that? I guess that's what you're trying to imagine.
36:06 Speaker 02 Right.
36:06 Dax Shepard? That they would be grateful you made that decision for them. But what if they were Mark Zuckerberg and he's sitting around and he's like, oh my God, my fucking parents cut my toe off. I have 180 billion dollars. I didn't need that money. I could make my own money. And they thought I was going to be such a loser. They cut my toe off.
36:22 Speaker 01 When you have a toe cut off, you're gonna adapt, but you're gonna not be able to fucking do things.
36:28 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
36:29 Speaker 01 I mean, that's a tough fucking question.
36:31 Dax Shepard? Yeah. I wonder if you'd be better off losing a pinky than a toe?
36:35 Speaker 02 You could pick. I would love to not have a toe for 100 million dollars.
36:38 Dax Shepard? You'd be delighted to go get it.
36:40 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:40 Dax Shepard? Or even right now, what would you sell a toe for right now?
36:43 Speaker 02 Oh, I'd sell a toe. I mean, the market's been horrible the last month.
36:47 Dax Shepard? Very unstable. We don't know what's happening with the tariffs.
36:49 Speaker 02 With these tariffs and stuff. I would cut off my little toe for 10 million.
36:52 Dax Shepard? Okay.
36:53 Speaker 01 I'd cut mine off for a million.
36:54 Speaker 02 I'd probably go for five. I don't think you really need, you need your little toe.
36:58 Dax Shepard? And I admittedly have no fun to play this game with anymore.
37:01 Speaker 02 No, I didn't even ask you these questions.
37:02 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you hate me now.
37:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I don't hate you, but it does depend.
37:05 Dax Shepard? I understand your frustration.
37:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:07 Dax Shepard? But for me, it's like an emotional growth thing. It's like, well, how much money do I need? Why would I not do anything I don't want to do for more money?
37:14 Speaker 02 I think where you can also get with the baby one is that we all know people who have a lot of money and they're unhappy.
37:21 Dax Shepard? Mm-hmm.
37:22 Speaker 02 So you may well be making your kid miserable by giving him a hundred million dollars, fifty million dollars, whatever it is.
37:28 Dax Shepard? Totally, yes. Because you almost can't have them growing up knowing they have a hundred million dollars or they won't try to do anything. For much of their life, they would just want to know why they don't have a toe. And you'd probably have to say you have a birth defect. And they're like, that's a very clean birth defect. You can see where the toe used to be.
37:45 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:46 Dax Shepard? And then at some age, you go, good news, you have a million dollars. And then just keep doling it out.
37:53 Speaker 02 Right.
37:53 Dax Shepard? Keep surprising them. And then on their thirties, where they're actually, you have ten million dollars.
38:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, you have to give them most of it later in life, I guess. But then they might be mad the way that you decided to split it up. What if the trauma of you cutting the toe off with a knife or whatever? What if they become a drug addict and then like you convince yourself that it was because of the trauma that?
38:17 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
38:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're the kid without a toe. Like, everyone knows you don't have a toe.
38:22 Speaker 02 But you subconsciously might remember the panic of having your toe cut off.
38:26 Speaker 01 And actually, I take that back. I would not take a million for my toe right now. My one big pleasure in life is playing pickleball lately.
38:32 Speaker 02 Oh, come on, you can play.
38:34 Speaker 01 Right? Well, I'm sure I could learn, but.
38:36 Speaker 02 I mean, without a little toe.
38:38 Speaker 01 Almost. I gotta adapt to not having a toe now.
38:40 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
38:41 Speaker 01 It's a miracle that I'm actually exercising.
38:44 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
38:44 Speaker 02 You might be better off with your fourth toe cut off, right? Instead of your pinky toe for balance.
38:49 Dax Shepard? That is the sad part about money. And we all grew up fucking craving money like crazy is, I think a lot of people sadly are in a position that they would sell their legs. And then you think, oh, I'm gonna have money and I'll be happy. But then you realize like, oh, no, no. The only thing that makes you happy is playing pickleball. Doesn't really matter how much money you have.
39:06 Speaker 02 Right.
39:06 Dax Shepard? Still the only activity that gives you any joy. And you got rid of it for money.
39:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was thinking for a billion dollars, would I make it so I just didn't taste anything for the rest of my life?
39:16 Speaker 01 Oh. Can you get a toast, someone back on?
39:19 Speaker 02 It seems like I would, but then I'm like, well, then you wouldn't have any.
39:22 Speaker 01 Fire towel for that money?
39:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:24 Dax Shepard? Someone else's legs.
39:25 Speaker 01 Story keeps going.
39:27 Dax Shepard? The only ones are available is like a small Asian woman's legs. And you gotta explain that every time you're on vacation. But you're right, what's the point of having money if you go on vacation? The only thing you and I do on vacation is talk about what we're gonna have for lunch.
39:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, and drink Diet Coke, cuz it tastes good.
39:41 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah. Imagine not giving a fuck that it was Diet Coke. You just start drinking Diet Pepsi all the time.
39:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:47 Dax Shepard? Like, all the Diet Coke, oh, we only have Diet Pepsi. It doesn't matter to me. I don't even wanna be alive if I don't care which one I'm getting. Let's do a reader one.
39:55 Speaker 01 Okay, I couldn't even wait to tell Dax this morning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. This is from a listener, Jalise. Hi, Dax and Aaron. One of many hilarious struggles I have faced as a mother. My 16-year-old son, who has a moderate intellectual disability, has decided that toilet paper just isn't cutting it anymore. Instead, he's embraced a towel-only routine for his bathroom needs. Here's the kicker. After his unconventional wiping method, he meticulously hangs up the towel back on the rack, as if nothing unusual happened. The first wake-up call came when I reached for a towel to dry my face
40:39 Speaker 01 and was greeted by an unmistakable surprise.
40:44 Speaker 01 Imagine my shock when I realized our towels were now an unwitting canvas for his new system. The struggle has turned our home into a blend of frustration and unexpected comedy. But don't worry. We have managed to save one towel and have it hidden away for guests when they visit. Help. Sincerely.
41:10 Speaker 01 And she signs it sincerely, just a mom trying to avoid pink eye. Jaleel.
41:20 Dax Shepard? You know what I like about it immediately is like, people are so delicate around situations.
41:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:25 Dax Shepard? But when you have a kid who's moderately mentally impaired, you got no choice but to just think it's funny.
41:32 Speaker 01 Right.
41:33 Dax Shepard? Right? That's what I kinda like about it. You imagine this life where you're dealing with this thing and then you'd be sad all the time and feel bad. Life boogies on and you're like, oh fucking Mike, guess what his new thing is? He's wiping his ass with towels.
41:45 Speaker 01 And I think maybe this is how our Bill and Linda Roberts paper towel story started back up this morning.
41:51 Speaker 02 Right.
41:52 Speaker 01 As we were talking about this, like, what he really needs is a.
41:55 Dax Shepard? Bill and Linda Roberts.
41:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:59 Speaker 01 Okay, we got one here.
42:00 Dax Shepard? From a place we eat at all the time.
42:01 Speaker 01 I know.
42:02 Dax Shepard? For the win.
42:02 Speaker 02 Are we gonna answer the question?
42:04 Dax Shepard? We are. He's gonna grab the food and then we'll debate it. We'll debate a solution.
42:08 Speaker 02 Cause he's got an answer.
42:09 Speaker 01 Yes, she needs help.
42:10 Dax Shepard? She needs a lot of help.
42:11 Speaker 02 If you do have three phones going at the same time, you'd accept one while you're driving, you might be able to get it down pretty well.
42:16 Dax Shepard? I think that's why sometimes it's really late. They're juggling like six or seven apps. Okay, so the sun is wiping with towels. Yeah. Okay, Eric, you said you already have a answer?
42:29 Speaker 02 I think it's probably okay, but you just have to have some rules around it where you can only use this towel on the rack in the bathroom. So it's not all the towels, you know what I mean?
42:40 Dax Shepard? You just always have a shitty towel hanging in there.
42:42 Speaker 02 You just always have a shit towel there.
42:43 Dax Shepard? Look how close this was.
42:44 Speaker 02 Oh my god.
42:45 Dax Shepard? This is about as embarrassing as I've done it when I order from Five Guys at Ryan's house, which is directly across the street. And I'm expecting the delivery guy to go, you lazy motherfucker. God, are you fucking lazy?
42:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, this was like 1,200 feet.
43:00 Dax Shepard? Truly.
43:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
43:01 Dax Shepard? Less than a quarter of a mile.
43:03 Speaker 01 He's shooting you some messages there.
43:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, he's already got some messages?
43:05 Speaker 01 He's got a gate code, it looked like.
43:07 Dax Shepard? Okay.
43:08 Speaker 02 Oh my gosh, this guy must be important.
43:10 Speaker 01 Apartment number, gate code.
43:12 Dax Shepard? Great. I would say, Eric, this is the hardest part of the job, is like, once you get on the scene trying to find their fucking apartment. Okay, hold the conversation for me.
43:19 Speaker 02 Yes, okay, okay.
43:20 Speaker 01 Hey. Maybe he parked in front of their garage door.
43:22 Dax Shepard? In there? In that garage door? Okay.
43:26 Dax Shepard? What? Okay, let me just drop this off, I'll be right back.
43:30 Speaker 01 Let me go deliver this first?
43:34 Speaker 01 Oh, the bastards. That ended up taking a minute.
43:36 Dax Shepard? Did you guys already solve it?
43:38 Speaker 01 No, no, no.
43:39 Dax Shepard? Okay, you paused it. I'm reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds a bit like he's very specific. Like, he wants to use every towel.
43:46 Speaker 02 Right.
43:47 Dax Shepard? You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to read between the lines of like, what parameters could you put that are gonna work with his disposition? Could you say that's your shit towel?
43:54 Speaker 02 And it's only one toilet.
43:56 Dax Shepard? I was more thinking, start real small, like, well, first of all, I think you guys gotta roll with whatever's happening with this kid, right?
44:04 Speaker 02 Right, right, right.
44:05 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I don't know if you're gonna win.
44:07 Speaker 02 People used to wash diapers, I mean, this is like similar.
44:09 Dax Shepard? Yeah, think of it as a towel.
44:11 Speaker 01 I'm guessing if she used the one on her face, I'm guessing there's one bathroom.
44:16 Dax Shepard? True. And it's hand towels, she wouldn't have used like a full body towel to wipe her face off after she washed her face, right? My thought was, would it be okay for her to say to him, "Carry on, keep wiping, enjoy"? Just, you gotta leave him on the ground, or a little hamper for his poop towels.
44:33 Speaker 02 Right, a poop towel hamper, which makes sense. And those can go in a separate wash than the regular clothes, so you weren't washing them together.
44:40 Dax Shepard? Well, that's an interesting thought. Do you think they need to be washed separately? I mean, I guess...
44:44 Speaker 01 Does poop have to... I think, okay, I'm gonna tell you, our dog, Dan, was throwing up, so we're cleaning up his throw up, and she goes, "Just put that in the utility sink next to the washer, because I already have poop underwear and poop, everything soaking in there", and I was like, ew.
45:05 Dax Shepard? What happened, honey?
45:06 Speaker 01 So, I think people soak the poop up.
45:09 Dax Shepard? Okay.
45:09 Speaker 02 No, you don't soak poop.
45:11 Speaker 01 No! This is, this happened!
45:13 Dax Shepard? Cause there's a little kid, let's just be clear.
45:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, there's little kids, I mean, yeah.
45:16 Dax Shepard? Ruthie had it showered herself in poop. This is from a visiting child, right?
45:20 Speaker 01 But you don't let it soak first? You don't put a bunch of poop in the washer?
45:24 Dax Shepard? In the whites. In with the whites. Yeah, I guess I'm fine with that.
45:28 Speaker 02 We all poop in our pants all the time.
45:31 Dax Shepard? Well, occasionally. That's what I'm saying. When I have an accident, I clean my underpanties out.
45:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:37 Dax Shepard? First in the toilet.
45:38 Speaker 02 I guess I throw them away.
45:39 Dax Shepard? I dip them in and out of the toilet. You just throw them right away. That's probably most sanitary. Do you ever do that? You wash them in the toilet bowl itself? Not when it's dirty. Like, you flush the toilet, you know, clean water. A swish, swish. And then into the sink, maybe. And then I do a little sink, then in the hamper. And then I'm not too worried.
45:55 Speaker 02 Right.
45:55 Speaker 01 Yeah, I've only done the sink.
45:57 Dax Shepard? That's good. Yeah.
45:57 Speaker 01 Toilet water, why not?
45:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah, why not? I mean, you're already dealing with poopy underwear.
46:01 Speaker 02 Buy new underwear anyway, so all my underwear is 10 years old, so it's a good excuse to throw the underwear away.
46:07 Dax Shepard? That's interesting, because you buy a lot of clothes.
46:09 Speaker 02 I don't. I've still got that Pangaea stuff we bought during COVID.
46:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
46:13 Speaker 02 A lot of my clothes. I buy a lot of shoes.
46:14 Dax Shepard? I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking of, is you buy a lot of shoes. And I guess that's true for myself as well.
46:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, I need some clothes. I've been riding the same clothes for a minute.
46:22 Dax Shepard? I had to have, like, a talk with myself last year where I was like, "You have some responsibility to have new clothes." Like, you're on TV. You can't just quit. Because that's what I wanted to do, is just like, "Yeah, wear whatever I bought for the rest of my life until it wears out." I just look at Kristen, I'm like, "Look how much effort she puts into it." I just felt lazy that I'm in the public eye and I'm making no effort to have good style.
46:46 Speaker 02 Well, you got that shirt Brad Pitt gave you. Is that this one?
46:49 Dax Shepard? That's this. Yeah, it's actually this exact one. You bought me one for my birthday, which was so generous.
46:54 Speaker 02 I mean, those are nice.
46:55 Dax Shepard? Incredibly nice. And I like them. What keeps me from buying clothes is I'm intimidated that I don't know what I like. You know what I'm saying?
47:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, 100%.
47:02 Dax Shepard? I want to get new stuff, but I'm not sure what I like. And then I just have some brands that I trust, and then I just kind of buy whatever they sell.
47:09 Speaker 02 Actually, Kristen's picked out a lot of my clothes, because I'm like, "Well, if she says it is good, then it's good."
47:15 Dax Shepard? Yes, she's a very good barometer.
47:17 Speaker 02 Monica does, too.
47:18 Speaker 01 Ruth has picked out... I mean, I only have a couple pairs of pants, but she wants to always buy me more. And I say, "No, I have two. Why would I need three?"
47:25 Dax Shepard? Now, here's what I don't understand about you. Why don't you wear Levi's? Or do you? Cause you have the legs and ass for Levi's. I have been singularly working out for six years on my legs and ass in hopes I could wear Levi's and they look good. I'm just finally there. Cause nothing's cooler than Levi's.
47:43 Speaker 02 Why? Cause it feels out.
47:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess I need Levi's. I think these are.
47:46 Dax Shepard? I mean, yours look great. I've not thought your pants aren't good, but it's.
47:49 Speaker 01 She told me now, these are too big. I can't have skin tight.
47:53 Dax Shepard? No. Also, I think that the trend went the other way. I think my pants are too tight now. Everyone's wearing enormous pants.
47:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:00 Dax Shepard? This is what's so crazy is when Aaron and I were in high school, we wore size 53 inch pants.
48:05 Speaker 01 Right.
48:06 Dax Shepard? We would go to Myers and get these cheap blue jeans, cut the bottoms off, and you had a big belt, and you wore 53 inch pants with 3XL Champion sweatshirts, and I loved it, and I felt great in it. And when this style came back, I was imagining myself in it, and I'm like, I don't have the confidence. It looks insane. I can't do it. It's just weird that I was able to do it and now I'm not. And now everyone, now Monica's funk rock.
48:32 Speaker 01 Can we just post pictures of ourselves?
48:34 Dax Shepard? Put our old face on top of it.
48:37 Speaker 02 What do you mean 53 pants? 53.
48:39 Speaker 01 They're like as wide as this car.
48:40 Speaker 02 Well, then they wouldn't stay on your belt.
48:42 Dax Shepard? You just belt them up.
48:43 Speaker 01 You crunch them, fold them over and belt them.
48:46 Dax Shepard? That's all we wore from senior year to probably 20 years old. And these shoes we called hobos you got at Myers as well.
48:53 Speaker 01 They were like a couple of dollars.
48:54 Dax Shepard? Yeah, eight bucks for a pair of shoes. I remember when I got to California, that was still my style. People were like.
49:00 Speaker 01 Bro.
49:01 Dax Shepard? Yeah, what's going on here?
49:02 Speaker 02 That's what all the teenagers, Lily's friends, the boys have, like their butt crack kinda hangs out.
49:07 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should be like, oh, great, it's back. I should have embraced it. I'm slow. I was two years late on wearing skinny jeans, and then I wore them two years longer than I should have. But the reason I'm pitching Levi's is, once you commit to Levi's, it's over. This style has been cool since the 50s.
49:24 Speaker 01 Right. 501.
49:26 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's what I have. Button fly.
49:28 Speaker 01 Fit or?
49:29 Dax Shepard? I'll tell you the ones I get. Yeah, but you're.
49:31 Speaker 01 I love a new pair of Levi's.
49:33 Dax Shepard? Your haunches might be a little too big, and they're super reasonably priced, and you can't destroy them. They're actually the best. This episode was brought to you by Levi's.
49:44 Speaker 02 And Belvedere's favorite.
49:45 Dax Shepard? Do you know the thing about why it's buttons and rivets?
49:49 Speaker 02 No.
49:50 Dax Shepard? Do you know this, Eric? I feel like you would know.
49:51 Speaker 02 Something to do with mining?
49:53 Dax Shepard? Yeah. They wanted miners to be able to repair the pants.
49:57 Speaker 02 Right.
49:57 Dax Shepard? While they were out in the field. They were out mining with no women anywhere near, and they all had rivet guns.
50:03 Speaker 02 Right.
50:03 Dax Shepard? So they could repair the pants.
50:04 Speaker 02 Themselves.
50:05 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
50:06 Speaker 02 Are those 501 jeans?
50:07 Dax Shepard? They are, yeah. And I can't get out of them. They're on date 11 in these. Eric, I love you. Thanks for joining us.
50:13 Speaker 02 I love you guys. Thanks for having me.
50:14 Speaker 01 Could've did this all day.
50:16 Dax Shepard? Oh my God. I know. I wish this was kind of like a two banger. We could've done this forever. Well, maybe you'll come on again.
50:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you'll be popular demand, I'm sure.
50:24 Speaker 01 Dex told me when I got sober, when I was trying to figure it out and be at home, when I stopped coming to LA as often, he's like, "You have to find your Eric."
50:38 Speaker 01 He's like, "It's a necessity. You have to find your Eric."
50:41 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
50:42 Speaker 01 In Detroit.
50:43 Dax Shepard? I think it's just baggage from being a kid in a class now. It's like, even though in AAI, I gotta take it seriously, I still need to be in the back of the classroom a little bit. I need one person I can be like, "Ooh."
50:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can talk about everything.
50:58 Dax Shepard? All right, love you.
50:59 Speaker 02 Love you guys.
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