Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card XII About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript 11,049 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
0:05 Speaker 01 Hi.
0:06 Dax Shepard? Today is Wild Card 12.
0:10 Speaker 01 12?
0:11 Dax Shepard? I cannot believe we've had 12 wild cards.
0:15 Speaker 01 We love a wild card.
0:16 Dax Shepard? We do, because you don't know what you're gonna get. Are you gonna get sepsis?
0:20 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
0:20 Dax Shepard? Someone might.
0:21 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
0:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, this is wild, as promised, as advertised. Please enjoy Wild Card 12. We get support from Quince.
0:34 Speaker 01 I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.
0:43 Dax Shepard? I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.
1:05 Speaker 01 $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is, because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy, it's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.
1:23 Dax Shepard? The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time, and he looks iconic.
1:32 Speaker 01 It's a uniform.
1:33 Dax Shepard? Mm-hmm.
1:34 Speaker 01 And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully-designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.
1:51 Dax Shepard? Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that, too.
2:27 Speaker 01 That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop, cold water every morning before anything else.
2:40 Dax Shepard? AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.
2:54 Speaker 01 That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.
2:58 Dax Shepard? It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know, mm, I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.
3:08 Speaker 01 Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.
3:15 Dax Shepard? Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega three fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Experts sent you.
4:00 Dax Shepard? Hello.
4:01 Speaker 02 Hi.
4:02 Dax Shepard? I see you're in your closet.
4:03 Speaker 02 I am. My closet is tiny. I live in a Cape Cod house, so it's quite small.
4:08 Dax Shepard? How long have you lived there?
4:09 Speaker 02 I have been here for about five years.
4:11 Dax Shepard? You and who?
4:12 Speaker 02 My husband.
4:13 Dax Shepard? How long have you been married?
4:14 Speaker 02 About three years. He and his parents actually renovated this whole house. And then the last nail was hammered in and I met him that next month.
4:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, what timing. That's perfect.
4:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, it worked out great for me.
4:25 Dax Shepard? And then you lived there in sin for a couple of years and then you tied the knot?
4:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, as the Lord intended.
4:29 Dax Shepard? Okay, great. What fake name are you going to use?
4:32 Speaker 02 I told my friend I would use her name, so I'm going to be Brooke today.
4:36 Dax Shepard? Okay, great. I like the name Brooke. It makes me think of Brooke Shields immediately. Solid. Okay, so this is wild card. Also, Monica may enter. She's late, but don't get disrupted if you see a small mouse cross frame and then join.
4:50 Speaker 02 I haven't had any small mice in my house before, so it'll be a first for me.
4:53 Dax Shepard? Okay, great. Brooke, please set up your story.
4:56 Speaker 02 This story takes place in 2012. I was about to graduate from college. It was actually two nights before my college graduation. So it was a Friday night. I was supposed to graduate on Sunday. And I went to a party that was hosted by the college. So they threw a little graduation chindig for graduating seniors.
5:19 Dax Shepard? And can I ask what your major was? I want to stereotype you a little bit.
5:22 Speaker 02 Do you want to guess? Lean into the stereotyping.
5:25 Dax Shepard? Okay, I'm going art history.
5:26 Speaker 02 Okay, I love it. It was not art history, but I appreciate it.
5:30 Dax Shepard? What was it?
5:31 Speaker 02 So that actually is a little bit of the story. So I'm going to reserve that information. But my undergraduate program was just a small liberal arts college. They can't host a party for the entire graduating class. That's how small we are.
5:44 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. Okay.
5:45 Speaker 02 My friends and I went to that. And then after that was finished, we went back to another friend's dorm room in an area of campus that we typically did not hang out because it was where the first and second years actually lived. My friend that lived there had left first semester and come back, and that was the only place that they had housing available. So the party kind of continues there. At around midnight, we go outside to the smoking gazebo. The campus had these wooden gazebos in all of the different housing areas that were a particular distance from the doors to encourage people to smoke their cigarettes the correct distance away.
6:18 Dax Shepard? And now 2012, what percentage of the students are banging darts?
6:21 Speaker 02 It felt like a lot, but maybe it was just my friends.
6:23 Dax Shepard? Okay.
6:24 Speaker 02 So we go to the smoking gazebo, and when we enter the gazebo, we realize that all of the freshmen, they're all given a campus book to read as they enter their freshman year. And they all had taken that book and hung it in the rafters of this gazebo. So there were probably like 12 to 15 books that were stuck in the rafters of this wooden gazebo. And they're all kind of hanging with their pages fanning out around us.
6:44 Dax Shepard? How drunk are you out of 10 at this point?
6:46 Speaker 02 I feel like. In hindsight, I probably was drunker than I thought I was.
6:50 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure.
6:51 Speaker 02 But I would say like a solid five or six. I would not consider out of control. I've had way drunker nights. But that combined with the feeling of like, we're done with our undergraduate, we're celebrating.
7:00 Dax Shepard? Nature's cocaine.
7:01 Speaker 02 Exactly. It really got into our system and we decide that we are going to light these books on fire.
7:07 Dax Shepard? Great. And whose idea specifically?
7:09 Speaker 02 I mean, who can say?
7:10 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay.
7:12 Speaker 02 We all stand up on the benches in the gazebo, flames to the pages. I'm sure you've burnt paper in your life. So, you know, there's a quick ignition of the pages and then burns out super quickly. And it's mostly just like the littering down of the book pages.
7:25 Dax Shepard? Ash all over you.
7:26 Speaker 02 Exactly. We're getting covered in ash, but man, felt good.
7:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, exciting.
7:30 Speaker 02 We're in the gazebo. I am still standing on the wooden bench with my lighter up to the book pages. And I hear someone behind me say, what are you doing? And so I turn around and the person behind me is backlit by like the industrial lighting of the dorm building. So it's just an outline of a person. And with my lighter still up, I say, I'm lighting these books on fire.
7:51 Dax Shepard? Duh.
7:52 Speaker 02 Obviously, like, what a stupid question. So the person responds, man, put the lighter down and step out of the gazebo.
7:57 Dax Shepard? Oh, that sounds like a law enforcement.
8:00 Speaker 02 It is a law enforcement officer. And this is where I learned three very important things. At the same time that we were lighting these books on fire, there was a freshman across the quad that was lighting fireworks off. And so campus police came down to handle that and they stumbled upon this scene instead. I also learned that there has been for the last several months in this dorm building where I spend no time, a serial arsonist.
8:26 Dax Shepard? Goodness. Okay. Wow.
8:27 Speaker 02 That they have been trying to capture. And I learned later that this serial arsonist has been lighting trashcans on fire inside of the building. Has been lighting rolls of toilet paper on fire and rolling them down hallways. So there's a serial arsonist at large. And this campus police officer thinks that he has captured that arsonist and that that arsonist is me.
8:48 Speaker 02 And with the benefit of hindsight, I mean, it looks like I have put kindling inside of this wooden structure.
8:55 Dax Shepard? No, you want to talk about, pun intended, caught red handed. I mean, my goodness. Of course, you're the arsonist.
9:00 Speaker 02 Then I admitted it freely. I have put books in this gazebo. I'm lighting in a circle. All of my friends at this point have ran, so it looks like it is just me because I had my back to him as he arrived. And so he puts me in cuffs. I end up in the back of the car. My friends have all run and my adrenaline is kicking in and I'm realizing that not only do I have nothing on me, but I don't know any phone numbers of anyone that can help me in this area. My entire family, every member I know is eight hours away. And now we're quickly approaching 2:00 a.m. the night before I'm supposed to graduate from college.
9:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, my goodness.
9:34 Speaker 02 I tell the cop what's going on and he agrees to go get my phone out of my friend's dorm room. And so he brings my phone to me. We get down to the police station. I'm booked. They tell me at this point that I was booked with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and that my bail was $50.
9:51 Dax Shepard? Oh.
9:52 Speaker 02 It's just the booking fee, apparently, that they were charging me. So call my friend and tell him. And he says, no problem. I'll be down there within the hour. So they get me in a holding cell. Someone comes back in and says that they have spoken with whatever representative, whether it was the school or the fire department, I'm unsure, but they have changed the charge. They have upped it to destruction of property over 250 and arson, both of which are felony charges.
10:17 Dax Shepard? Oh, no, no, no.
10:18 Speaker 02 Well, this is just a horse of a different color and there's no way I can afford this bail. And they tell me bail is $250.
10:24 Dax Shepard? Still reasonable.
10:25 Speaker 02 Not terrible. So I say, well, my friend's bringing 50. Can I call him back? And so they bring me my phone again, which I also did not think you can use your own phone. But I call my friend again and I tell him what's happened. And I say, I have an arraignment in the morning. I can just stay the night here. It is fine. $250 is a lot. I cannot pay you back immediately. And he just pauses and says, Well, is it scary?
10:48 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure, sure, sure. Are you enjoying yourself?
10:50 Speaker 02 I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not prison. And so he ends up coming down. He does come bail me out. At this point, I need to be in an arraignment in four hours at an undisclosed city in New England. And my family is preparing to get in their car at another undisclosed city eight hours away and drive to me for my college graduation. My grandmother has flown in from the Southwest. I am her first grandchild to graduate from college. My best friend is riding up with my family for this. I plan to just handle it, get through the weekend, not ruin graduation, and then tell them later.
11:27 Dax Shepard? Right.
11:28 Speaker 02 And I go in for the arraignment, and I quickly realize I'm not going to be able to handle this easily because the judge asked me if I want a court-appointed attorney or a private attorney. And I just blank and I say, well, can I let you know? I have no idea what to do. It's quickly becoming obvious that I am not equipped for this situation.
11:49 Dax Shepard? It's more serious than you're thinking at this point.
11:52 Speaker 02 Yes, it's quickly becoming very obvious that it's more than it seemed like at 2:00 a.m. And so I leave the courthouse and I realize I need to call someone, but I don't know anyone that's pre-law. I don't know any lawyers. So I think, who's the smartest person I know that could like maybe help? So I call my cousin who's in med school, which does not translate to the situation. But he does tell me exactly what I need to hear, which is, why did you call me? You need to call your dad. So I called my dad and told him what had happened. And I have never heard him laugh harder in my entire life.
12:24 Dax Shepard? You weren't a troublemaker, I'm assuming? This isn't like the 80th call he's received?
12:28 Speaker 02 The first one.
12:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, okay, great. You earned a laughing.
12:31 Speaker 02 I don't really know if he was laughing because he didn't believe me because it was just so absurd and out of character.
12:37 Dax Shepard? Did you know already that they were trying to link you to this serial arsonist? Was that known to you at this time? Or did that come out later?
12:44 Speaker 02 I had a little bit of an idea about it because the arresting officer made a mention of it.
12:48 Dax Shepard? So when you told your dad, you were able to say, hey, they think I'm this arsonist, but this was a one-off. I was just lighting some books on fire.
12:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was just a comedy of errors. The simulation was not in my favor that day.
13:00 Dax Shepard? Yeah, sometimes it doesn't go our way. It's a bad scene.
13:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, I was definitely in the wrong on that. But I had a little bit of an inkling. Because the arresting officer made a comment about it. So he kind of clued me in that there was a series of arsons that had been happening. And my response to that was I have put out more fires on this campus than I have started.
13:18 Dax Shepard? Ah, okay.
13:19 Speaker 02 Which is true.
13:20 Dax Shepard? This is a wild college. It's tiny, but it's wild. Yeah, a lot of pyros.
13:23 Speaker 02 I'm only one of many and not even the biggest one.
13:26 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
13:27 Speaker 02 So they've included, they're on their way to me. I get back to campus. I'm in the dean of students' office, where I then get filled in completely on the arson situation. And I have completely convinced the dean of students that I am not this arsonist. It is just a different, unconnected arson. The flames weren't even sending the gazebo. Like, there was no marking anywhere. My dad went back the next day to take pictures. But she suspends me for a semester, and she withholds my diploma.
13:55 Dax Shepard? What?
13:55 Speaker 02 And she doesn't want to let me walk at graduation the next day because she wants to send a message that they don't take kindly to arson, which I cannot fault her for that message. But I'm also dealing with two felony charges on top of now this academic suspension and potential to not walk. So I beg her, like, my grandmother just flew in from the southwest. She is actively driving to me right now. She hasn't seen any grandchildren graduate yet. Like, give me an empty piece of paper. I do not care, but please let me graduate. And she agrees to that.
14:24 Dax Shepard? Oh.
14:24 Speaker 02 She still suspends me. The diploma is still withheld, but she lets me walk. But my family thought it was the funniest thing ever. My grandmother, the entire weekend, was like moving candles away from me at restaurants.
14:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah, this is the product of being a really good girl your whole life, is that everyone can have a good sense of humor about it. They're probably happy you got into trouble a little bit.
14:41 Speaker 02 Well, this is their favorite story to tell. I actually was a little bit nervous about telling it just because I never am the one that tells it. They are telling it about me.
14:48 Dax Shepard? Sure.
14:49 Speaker 02 Just as an update for the charges, they actually ended up dropping the arson charge altogether. They changed the destruction of property charge to under 250, which is a misdemeanor. I had to go to court-appointed therapy. They had actually recommended Fire Starters Anonymous, but that is typically for children.
15:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, is it really?
15:05 Speaker 01 That's a thing?
15:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, not a great fit for what happened with me. Typically, if you are going to that program, you've been starting fires for quite a long time. But the therapist also thought this was very funny. She laughed at me when I told her. The whole story. However, I will say it gave me a very new perspective on how quickly something that felt very stupid or silly could derail your entire life. A lot of gratitude for the fact that it did turn out so well for me because it could have been very different for someone else in a different situation, or even me if someone had had a different opinion.
15:37 Dax Shepard? We interviewed a kid that like, I want to say he opened up a fire hydrant to be funny, and it washed out an entire neighborhood above his house. Remember that in Utah?
15:44 Speaker 02 I remember that.
15:45 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
15:46 Speaker 02 Things can go wrong.
15:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God. Looking at millions of dollars of damage. Oh, fuck. Did you have to get a lawyer to plead all that out? Did you end up getting a public appointed attorney?
15:56 Speaker 02 So the judge, when I said, can I let you know, when he asked if I wanted a court appointed attorney or a private attorney, just gave me a court appointed attorney and was like, you can deal with it. If you don't want him, just fire him later. And my dad did eight hours of research in the car on the way to me and was like, this guy's actually good. He's doing pro bono work. We're going to stick with him. And he was great. So after six months of no issues with the law, it was expunged from my record. So in terms of like the law, everything is copacetic. But that is not where the story ends.
16:23 Dax Shepard? Okay.
16:23 Speaker 02 So five years later, my friend, she was at the time a manager of a restaurant, they hired a new employee who had gone to my college after my tenure. And so she said, of course, oh, my best friend went there. She got arrested for burning a gazebo down, which
16:39 Dax Shepard? is an exaggeration, but yeah, yeah.
16:40 Speaker 02 Exactly. And that new employee said, oh, they actually replaced all those gazebos with metal gazebos.
16:46 Dax Shepard? Oh, because this was calling to the students to burn it down.
16:50 Speaker 02 They couldn't have a round two. They were like, we never caught the arsonist. So we need to make sure this can't get burnt down. But then several years after that, I applied to grad school. And in that application process, they ask if you've been suspended or had like an academic blip on your radar. And so I had to click yes. And I attached a document explaining basically what I sent to Emma when I submitted to Armed Terror Anonymous. Like, this is what happened. And I actually got a call from the admissions counselor a couple of weeks later. And he's like, I'm looking at this application here, and I see that you submitted that you were suspended from school, but I'm not seeing anywhere on your transcript that that's reflected. And I said, was it the end? So it's not super obvious. There's no gap. It's the last thing
17:31 Speaker 02 that happened. I said, did you read the attached document? And he said, oh, no, I didn't even see that. Let me go look at it now.
17:37 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh, oh.
17:39 Speaker 02 So he opens it while I'm on the phone with him. Then I get the privilege of listening to him live react to the explanation of my arrest for burning books while he reads my application for a master's in library science.
17:52 Dax Shepard? Library.
17:53 Speaker 01 That's Simmy. That's Sim.
17:56 Speaker 02 And so add him to the long list of people that was laughing.
17:59 Dax Shepard? And then, so did you get your master's in library science?
18:02 Speaker 02 Yes, I've been a U Services librarian for about five years.
18:05 Dax Shepard? We've never interviewed a librarian.
18:07 Speaker 01 No.
18:08 Speaker 02 You should add a librarian, Armed Chair Anonymous, prompt. We've got some crazy stories.
18:12 Dax Shepard? Because people use them as like a public resting house. Yeah, you see some wild stuff.
18:17 Speaker 02 They call us the America's Living Room, like we're the last free place you can be without the expectation of buying something.
18:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, like the Elizabeth Smart thing.
18:25 Speaker 02 That was at the library. You get a lot of heartwarming stories there, too.
18:28 Dax Shepard? Sure.
18:29 Speaker 01 That's a great idea.
18:30 Dax Shepard? Have you ever caught any lovers?
18:32 Speaker 02 We had a bench at a library I used to work at that we called the make out bench because it was like just around a corner.
18:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
18:38 Speaker 02 So we'd have to just break up like a bunch of teens.
18:40 Dax Shepard? Okay, some heavy petting, but nothing too extreme.
18:43 Speaker 01 That's an episode of Friends. All these people were making out in front of Ross's book.
18:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, that's sweet.
18:49 Speaker 01 But he didn't like it. He wanted people to see the book.
18:51 Dax Shepard? Okay. Well, they covered everything in that show.
18:54 Speaker 01 They really did.
18:55 Dax Shepard? I've really come to realize. Okay, well, Brooke, so nice meeting you. And then it's such a sweet story. As far as people getting arrested and almost not graduating, it's about as sweet as it can come.
19:06 Speaker 02 I mean, it would not have been as sweet if my family was not as fantastic as they are. My grandma set the tone. She was just like, this is gonna be funny.
19:13 Speaker 01 Good for her.
19:14 Dax Shepard? Well, it's so nice meeting you.
19:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, you guys too. Thanks so much.
19:17 Dax Shepard? Okay, take care.
19:27 Dax Shepard? We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glee Ron. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related. medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
19:52 Speaker 03 Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plan to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once Daily Foundo is available by prescription only
20:34 Speaker 03 in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5 milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundo.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.
20:50 Speaker 04 Raising Canes has one love: craveable chicken finger meals. And they do it better than anyone else. Hand-battered, cooked-to-order chicken fingers. Legendary cane sauce made fresh every day. Crinkle-cut fries and buttery Texas toast. Simple, done right, and delicious every single time. Every meal is made with quality you can taste. The chicken fingers are always crispy, always hot, and always fresh. Pair that with a freshly squeezed lemonade or a refreshing sweet tea, and you've got yourself the perfect meal. Whether you're feeding your crew on game day or grabbing a quick bite, Raising Canes has you covered with tailgates of chicken fingers and cane sauce and meals the whole family will love. Order online at raisingcanes.com. Raising Canes Chicken Fingers, one love.
21:37 Speaker 05 We all have routines. I'm Javron, and with diabetes, mine was finger sticks. Sometimes, I skipped them because they hurt. The Freestyle Libre 3CGM changed that. It gives me glucose insights without finger sticks. Learn more at freestylelibre.us.
21:52 Speaker 06 Finger sticks are required if your glucose alarms or readings do not match symptoms, or when you see check blood glucose symbol for the first 12 hours. The views expressed should not be used for medical diagnosis or treatment as a substitute for professional medical advice. Individual circumstances may vary. For prescription only. Safety info found at freestylelibre.us.
22:14 Speaker 01 Hi.
22:15 Dax Shepard? Hello. Is this Lauren?
22:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, so nice to meet y'all.
22:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, nice to meet you. First of all, I just want to say we know there are photos coming, which is very exciting. We don't get to flip them over yet, but anytime there's photos, we're excited. And then are you in the South or just from the South?
22:28 Speaker 05 I'm actually from Dallas, Texas, but I am currently living in Greenville, South Carolina.
22:33 Speaker 01 Nice.
22:33 Speaker 05 Kind of close to you, Monica.
22:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, not far.
22:36 Dax Shepard? And are you loving Greenville, South Carolina? Why'd you move there? For a lover?
22:39 Speaker 05 My husband is from here.
22:41 Dax Shepard? Those South Carolina gentlemen, they can be real charming. They got a real molasses-y accent.
22:46 Speaker 01 What is it called? Chivalrous?
22:47 Dax Shepard? Does he ever duel men on the corner?
22:49 Speaker 05 He hasn't yet, but I mean, there's always time.
22:52 Dax Shepard? Okay, great. So you've got a wild card story.
22:54 Speaker 05 I do. It doesn't take place in the South, unfortunately. It takes place in Washington DC, which is where I was after college, where I moved post-grad. So back in 2021, I had just moved there. I was young. I was living my life on my own for the first time, which also plays into the story. I had just moved out there and I had a friend that was gonna come visit me. We went out, we got dinner, and then, you know, we went dancing and it was great. And we stayed up late. It was really fun. So then the next morning I woke up and I'm like, Allison, I am not feeling well. So I had gotten a blister on the back of my foot a week earlier from tennis shoes, not even from heels. And I was like, my blister kind of feels weird. And she's like, that's so funny.
23:36 Speaker 05 I was like, okay, but I'm here to show you the DC experience. So we go do all the monuments.
23:41 Dax Shepard? Do you put a Band-Aid over the blister? Do you wear two pairs of socks? How are you addressing walking around with a blister?
23:47 Speaker 05 I had actually worn boots because it was also in November, which I had forgotten to mention. And my foot had actually swollen a little bit, and so it wouldn't fit into my boots. And so I had to go and change into my Birkenstocks back at home.
24:00 Speaker 01 That are open in the back.
24:01 Speaker 05 Yes. And so I walked around DC, probably, I think it was a whole half marathon, over 13 miles at that point. Not feeling great, but you know, it is what it is.
24:10 Dax Shepard? Oh.
24:10 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
24:12 Speaker 05 Yeah. So we go to dinner that night. I'm really not feeling great. And she's like, okay, we'll take you to an urgent care tomorrow morning and we'll get you some antibiotics. And I'm like, great. So the next morning we go. Wake up, we go and the doctor sees me and he's like, you've got a little bit of an infection. Let's get you some oral antibiotics.
24:28 Dax Shepard? He looks at the heel?
24:29 Speaker 05 Yeah. And at this point, it's like a little red. It's not too bad. In his defense and everyone's defense, I want to make that very clear.
24:38 Speaker 01 What did it feel like? Did it feel different than just like when you have a normal blister and it hurts a lot? Did it feel like different?
24:44 Speaker 05 Yes, it felt different and it also felt hot. I want to treat my friend to a good time. So then we continue on with our touristy, we walking around, it's great time. I send her on her way Sunday afternoon. Next morning, I have to walk to work because I don't have a car in DC. Most people don't have cars and walking to work, that was a tough one. It was pretty swollen. I had the mules where I could slide my foot into it, but also it's November, so I'm freezing. I get to work and I'm like, guys, look at this blister. It's crazy. And they're like, yeah, this looks really, really bad. You should probably go to the doctor. And I'm like, no, I've already been. I'm on oral antibiotics. It's fine. And this older coworker of mine takes one look at it and she's like, if you don't go to the doctor right now, like I'm going to be really mad.
25:25 Speaker 05 And I was like, but I don't want to pay to go to the emergency room because remember I don't have a car and I was making no money. I didn't want to pay for an Uber and she's like, if you don't go right now, I'm going to call an ambulance and make you pay for the ambulance.
25:36 Dax Shepard? Oh wow.
25:37 Speaker 05 And I was like, well, I don't want to pay for an ambulance, so fine.
25:39 Speaker 01 She's really laying down the law.
25:41 Speaker 05 And looking back, I really am appreciative. So I go and I don't know if you guys have ever been to a emergency room waiting room in Washington DC.
25:49 Dax Shepard? No, but we watched the pit, so I guess I'm, I have some sense of what it probably is like.
25:54 Speaker 05 So it's very similar. The chaos, seeing every single type of injury. I saw stab wounds. I saw multiple unauthorized evacuations.
26:03 Speaker 01 Oh wow.
26:05 Speaker 05 Keep in mind, I'm 22 from the South in DC. Like this is a lot for me. I'm thinking that this is not that big of a deal. I'm actually supposed to go on a first date the next day and I'm texting this guy like, hey, I'm in the ER right now, but like this is not a big deal. And he's like, don't you need me to come? And the problem was that I told the nurse that this was like a level two or three on the pain scale. That meant that the stab wounds were gonna get seen before me, which, to be fair, that makes sense. So I go on thirteen hours and they're still not seeing me. I got there probably two and like three AM comes around and I'm still not getting seen by anyone. So I'm gonna go home.
26:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:42 Speaker 05 This is crazy. At this point, the red has spread. The red has gone up my leg past my knee.
26:50 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
26:51 Speaker 05 My entire leg is quite inflamed at this point.
26:54 Dax Shepard? Oh.
26:54 Speaker 05 I'm like, I think I need to go get some stronger antibiotics. And I go back to the same urgent care guy and he's like, you need to go to a podiatrist. This is bad. So I Uber back to the podiatrist. I've spent so much money on Ubers at this point. I'm making no money. So this is really a big deal for me. I go back to the podiatrist. She takes one look at my leg. She's like, if you don't go to the emergency room right now, you're going to lose this leg.
27:15 Speaker 01 Oh.
27:16 Dax Shepard? Oh, my god.
27:17 Speaker 05 Keep in mind, this is from a blister.
27:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
27:20 Speaker 05 I'm like, this is crazy. I was just there. It was thirteen hours and they didn't see me. And so she's saying, okay, I'll give them a call and make sure that they see you. But there is no if, ands, or buts. You've got to go to the emergency room. Luckily, it's a whole medical district in DC, so I just walk across the street, thank goodness. Because I get there and they still don't see me. So it takes a couple of more hours. So I'm on hour five at this point, waiting for the emergency room again. My body starts to like shake.
27:46 Speaker 01 It is sepsis.
27:47 Speaker 05 It was exactly that. So shutting down. I go to the nurse. I'm like, hey, would it be possible for you to take my temperature? I think something's wrong. I might have a fever. And so she takes it. She's, so it's one oh three. What's your pain scale right now? And I'm like, it might be at an eight or a nine. She's like, have you ever been at a ten? I'm like, no, I don't think so. Because nothing bad has ever happened in my life. Like, I've never gotten a bad injury.
28:11 Dax Shepard? This is why you're so optimistic about this whole thing.
28:13 Speaker 05 Exactly. She's like, so I think that this is your ten. I do believe that you have sepsis and your body is shutting down. So she's like, we're gonna admit you right now, because if we don't, something bad is going to happen. I find out later that bad thing is in fact death. Like, I would have died because it was in my bloodstream at that point. They put me on morphine. And this is when I really find out that it's bad, because the morphine didn't stop my shaking. So you finally get me on I- Antibiotics and my body, funnily enough, is allergic to this.
28:43 Speaker 01 No.
28:44 Dax Shepard? This is an episode of House.
28:46 Speaker 05 Truly. So I get this thing. It's called Red Man Syndrome. I think they've renamed it now because of, you know, it's bad.
28:53 Speaker 05 It's past my knee. My leg is red and my body's now matched that redness. And they're like, okay, so now we have to flush this antibiotic because obviously your body is having an allergic reaction to this, which they get really freaked out about because so much time has passed now, like the 13 hours, the five hours, the overnight, it's completely in my bloodstream. And so basically they get me back on a different antibiotic at this point. Apparently it was just in time where it didn't go into my bone. They were gonna have to chip away my bone. Because they thought that it was in that, but luckily they caught it right for that. And so they finally at that point are like, okay, we'll admit you into the hospital. I'm like, okay, well, what's the hospital gonna do for me?
29:33 Speaker 05 And they're like, well, we have to let the infection get through your bloodstream enough to where it can basically like coagulate into like a little ball to where they can carve it out.
29:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is so gnarly. Oh, my God.
29:47 Speaker 05 This is where the pictures come in. So if you want to see the picture.
29:51 Speaker 01 I'm scared.
29:52 Dax Shepard? So scared. I'm very scared. Oh, my.
29:59 Speaker 05 So there's like a little progression.
30:01 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
30:03 Dax Shepard? It looks like you have an eggplant hanging off the back of your.
30:07 Speaker 01 This is not a blizzard. I don't know how to describe this.
30:14 Dax Shepard? Do they lance it?
30:16 Speaker 05 It took five days in the hospital. Basically, they just had to let the infection get through to that point. And then they just carved it out, like they scooped it out. The surgery only took 30 minutes. I called it my alien. Like it looked like a little alien on the back of my foot.
30:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:31 Speaker 05 I wish that the listeners could see the photo.
30:33 Dax Shepard? It's foul. It's blue. It's red.
30:37 Speaker 01 Way worse than you're thinking in your head, listener.
30:39 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
30:41 Dax Shepard? It looks like a really poisonous avocado hanging off the back. Wow. Any damage to your Achilles? Your Achilles is right there, right?
30:48 Speaker 05 No damage.
30:49 Dax Shepard? Still positive. Still positive.
30:52 Speaker 05 No, seriously, like it really was the best case scenario. And so, well. The other thing that I was gonna say is that during that whole experience, I mean, I became really good friends with the nurses. I'm on this internal unit and I'm the healthiest person there. Yes, I was close to them. But like I became friends with all the nurses and I remember one of them said, oh, like, are you missing anything? And I was like, well, you know, that date, kind of tough, but you know, not like anything's ever gonna come from it. Or maybe we'll just reschedule it. We did end up rescheduling it and then we did end up a year later getting engaged.
31:21 Speaker 01 Oh.
31:21 Dax Shepard? And this is the southern gentleman from South Carolina?
31:25 Speaker 05 This is the southern gentleman from South Carolina.
31:27 Speaker 01 Oh, I knew he was a good one when he offered to come to the hospital that first day and they hadn't even gone on a date yet.
31:34 Dax Shepard? Did he come see you in the hospital? No.
31:36 Speaker 05 No, and that was for the best.
31:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah, I was gonna say, if he showed up and you had that thing hanging off your ankle and he's still stuck with you, I would say that's about as good of a sign as you're gonna get.
31:46 Speaker 01 Wow.
31:47 Speaker 05 He did ask to see your pictures later and I was like, I don't know if that's good for our beginning of our relationship.
31:52 Dax Shepard? I hope your visiting friend felt very guilty.
31:55 Speaker 01 Well, that hurtful.
31:58 Speaker 05 No, it's funny. I texted her that I was coming on this and I was like, hey, is it okay if I use your name? She's like, no, people need to hear the story. This is like an ad for Neosporin.
32:06 Dax Shepard? Yeah, cautionary.
32:08 Speaker 01 It is cautionary. Tell you gotta clean these wounds.
32:11 Dax Shepard? You do. I feel like it was directed at me in particular, which is like, I do not take anything serious until it's real late.
32:18 Speaker 05 Me neither. So this is my cautionary tale to you that sometimes things are as bad as people warn them to be.
32:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, sometimes the rewards are correct.
32:26 Speaker 01 That's right. Most of the time we are. That person you work with.
32:30 Dax Shepard? Saved your life?
32:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, she saved your life.
32:32 Speaker 05 Shout out Natalie.
32:32 Speaker 01 Well, that was horrible.
32:34 Dax Shepard? It was gruesome and I loved it.
32:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:35 Dax Shepard? Yeah, thank you.
32:36 Speaker 05 It was so nice meeting you guys. Thank you for taking the time and shout out to my husband, Will.
32:41 Dax Shepard? Will, what up? Good lad. Way to hang in there.
32:44 Speaker 05 Yes.
32:45 Dax Shepard? All right.
32:45 Speaker 05 All right, thank you all so much.
32:46 Dax Shepard? Bye bye.
32:49 Speaker 01 Hi.
32:50 Dax Shepard? So what name do you want to go by? You can give me a name. I'm gonna go Sarah.
32:54 Speaker 01 I like that.
32:55 Dax Shepard? Sounds great.
32:56 Speaker 05 A lot of good Sarahs.
32:57 Dax Shepard? Sarah's a pretty solid name. I mean, there's gotta be a science to it, really. Like, the kind of name that appeals to parents are gonna be certain kinds of parents. Like, if you name your son Jagged, you're a type. We've already selected.
33:07 Speaker 01 That's right.
33:08 Dax Shepard? But Sarah's like, I think you love Sarah's smile.
33:11 Speaker 01 Oh.
33:11 Dax Shepard? You know, you like some soft rock.
33:13 Speaker 01 It's just classic. You can let the person become the name.
33:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, Sarah Lawrence.
33:19 Speaker 01 The other way around, Sarah Lawrence.
33:20 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. Okay, Sarah, can you tell us where you're at?
33:22 Speaker 05 Yes, I'm in Pittsburgh.
33:24 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful.
33:25 Speaker 01 We were just talking about the pit.
33:26 Speaker 05 Oh, yes, it's so good. I love it.
33:29 Speaker 01 It's so hot.
33:29 Dax Shepard? Have you ever been in that hospital?
33:31 Speaker 05 I don't know if it's a fictional hospital, but I've been in that area of the city. So I recognize a lot of the exterior shots. So it's pretty authentic.
33:40 Dax Shepard? And for the folks who've not visited Pittsburgh, some of the most beautiful bridges in the country.
33:44 Speaker 05 That's right. And if you ever have a chance to come, go to a baseball game. It's one of the most beautiful stadiums. You get to look right over the river, see all the bridges. If the ball gets hit far enough, it goes into the water. It's really beautiful.
33:56 Speaker 01 That's fun.
33:57 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a wild card story. This could be absolutely anything.
34:00 Speaker 05 This story took place last year. My husband and I got married just over a year ago.
34:08 Dax Shepard? Congratulations.
34:10 Speaker 05 This occurred about three months into our marriage when we were still, like, very much in that newlywed phase.
34:18 Dax Shepard? How long had you dated before you wed?
34:19 Speaker 05 Maybe a year and a half.
34:21 Dax Shepard? Okay, pretty quick, pretty accelerated.
34:22 Speaker 05 We're both a little bit older, and so we just kind of knew it was a great fit, and we were in love, and let's do it.
34:28 Speaker 01 Oh, yay.
34:29 Speaker 05 When we got married, I moved into his townhouse. And his townhouse is three floors, you know, kind of narrow. And my husband is a wonderful guy. He's a special education teacher. He's very funny and sweet and patient. And he's also kind of like a techie. He loves gadgets. So if there's like a single-use kitchen item that he can purchase, he will purchase it. And he has four different Alexas through the house. The Alexas have an announcement feature, so I would use it for something like, I'm in the kitchen, he's on the top floor. I'd say, you know, hey, Alexa, make an announcement, dinner is ready. And then it would go ding ding, dinner is ready.
35:14 Dax Shepard? And works as like a P A system?
35:16 Speaker 05 Yes. So that's how I used the P A system. My husband used it a very different way from the beginning of our marriage.
35:25 Speaker 01 I work from home and if he came home and was ready for sexy times, he would use the P A to make that known throughout the home.
35:35 Dax Shepard? Okay, he'd make a proclamation.
35:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, like flirting. And so on this particular day, I'm working from home. I hear the door close and I hear like the ding ding. And he immediately is going into it. And I would like to say that there were a range of announcements for maybe like 15 minutes. Cause you know, he's coming in, he's making a sandwich, he's taking his work clothes off, you know, all this stuff. And I'm still in my office working. They were a range of more of like this dirty talk. I am not good at dirty talk. Okay. The deep voice of like, I'm gonna stick this in this place. I'm gonna touch you like this.
36:16 Dax Shepard? Very graphic. Where did it start? Give me one example of how it started. Does it start like, you know, announcement, hi baby, I'm home. Like where does it start?
36:24 Speaker 01 We texted through the day.
36:25 Dax Shepard? This is a hot relationship.
36:27 Speaker 01 You're good. Everyone's getting primed. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, one of the first, you know, I'm gonna lick you from head to foot. Oh, hot. But it was also kind of silly. He has silly ones because he's a very silly person where he'd be like ding ding. And he'd be like, my wife has a beautiful ass and I'm so excited to squeeze it. Sucks.
36:48 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. I like.
37:04 Speaker 01 After 10, 15 minutes of that dirty talk, we eventually do the things that we've been discussing. And then we're both sitting in the living room, like sitting on the couches and his phone dings. And it's a text from his cousin. Oh, boy. Who says, hey, my parents just.
37:24 Speaker 01 Called and said that they heard your voice throughout their home, saying the most nasty thing. No. And there is no way that your wife would be okay with you doing this. Like, what the hell is going on?
37:41 Speaker 07 No.
37:43 Dax Shepard? How on earth?
37:44 Speaker 01 It turns out that my wonderful husband, who is very kind, is also the techie of his family. So when anybody in the family, an older relative, wanted their own Alexa, they would call him and say, hey, could you set this up for me? So basically, without being aware, he had created a network of Alexas in his aunt and uncle's home and his parents' home. Oh, no.
38:14 Dax Shepard? My god.
38:16 Speaker 01 And his school classroom.
38:18 Dax Shepard? No.
38:20 Speaker 01 Yes, was quite terrifying.
38:23 Dax Shepard? Oh, this is life ending and career ending all at once.
38:27 Speaker 01 Bad. Yes. What I don't understand still to this day is he had made those type of announcements for like the three months that we had been married. So why was it now that we were being actually told about this? When it had clearly been playing everywhere?
38:41 Dax Shepard? Because they're old and confused. They don't know like what's going on. And it finally got too extreme.
38:47 Speaker 01 I made him go and immediately disconnect. I was like, I don't care if you're embarrassed. You are going to go to their home right now. You're going to drive over there and you're going to disconnect their Alexas. And then you're going to go around to every other relative that has also had this happening and you are going to do this. But like, he was not embarrassed. Oh, wow. To this day, like, I asked him, I was like, I'm going to be on I'm True Anonymous. Like, do you have anything you want to add because you can't be there? And he was like, I'm not embarrassed. I was getting it and I was getting it with my wife. Uh huh. I'm a parent who knows. Good for him. I kind of agree.
39:21 Dax Shepard? I don't care if my mother or my father here.
39:23 Speaker 01 Ah, plus, maybe they weren't home. Maybe for three months, yeah, they weren't home.
39:30 Dax Shepard? If I were you, I would have just thought of the very worst thing that was said. And then that would just play on a loop in my head. And then I'd probably move to the second, like, oh, my god, I'm in there heard that. Were you caught in that loop?
39:42 Speaker 01 It was so bad that I
39:44 Speaker 06 If I wanted to stay a part of this family, I was gonna need to get over this very quickly. And also try to control the narrative. So like what I ended up doing was the first family gathering after this incident was like two days later. I immediately, I went up to like so many groups, like, did you hear what my husband did with the Alexa? Like, did you hear about that? How crazy is that? And I just went face on.
40:11 Speaker 01 Okay, you owned it.
40:13 Speaker 06 His family is really sweet. Like, they're a wonderful Pittsburgh family. They were great. And they were like, you know what? We wish that we had this in our marriage. Or like, this is what we wish that we were doing. Like, good for you guys. Yeah. So they were sweet and really understanding. The only saving grace to myself was that I never responded to him with any of those messages. Like, I never gave it back that way. And so I felt like I at least didn't expose myself.
40:42 Dax Shepard? Yes, there is a glass half full here. That's a lot to be grateful for.
40:45 Speaker 01 Were they implying that it wasn't you? Because they said you would never?
40:50 Speaker 06 It was more like, they never thought my husband would intentionally do these things, but was he? Like, just that little question, you know, like, does he know that this is being broadcast?
41:01 Dax Shepard? Like, was he fucking with us?
41:03 Speaker 01 That's tough.
41:04 Dax Shepard? Luckily, I guess everyone was always out of the classroom when he was out of the classroom, because that would be a real tough one.
41:10 Speaker 06 Yeah, I'm so glad that, like, no janitor or, you know, other after-hours person overheard this. So he also immediately had to disconnect them.
41:19 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
41:20 Speaker 06 So we moved recently and none of the Alexas made it during the move. I made sure of that.
41:27 Speaker 01 Wow, that is funny.
41:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's a tall price to pay to have an intercom system.
41:32 Speaker 01 Sure.
41:33 Dax Shepard? I often think, God, I wish we had an intercom system. In fact, I just bought a cheap version of it. No one adopted to it. So now we just scream. We scream at the top of our lungs.
41:40 Speaker 06 Yeah, the thing that got me is I asked him, like, how are you techie and didn't know that all of these were connected? And he was like, oh, you know, actually, at one point, I did know because I intentionally made sure they were connected. And what he would do is he would make an announcement and like fart at the Alexa and then it would play.
41:57 Speaker 01 The fart in all of his family's Oh, he's a rascal.
42:03 Dax Shepard? His name Rob Hollis? Are you married?
42:05 Speaker 01 Rob doesn't fart, we learned.
42:07 Dax Shepard? Well, he might over the intercom. That might be how he gets it out.
42:10 Speaker 01 Sure.
42:10 Dax Shepard? That tops for me the embarrassment level of what Aaron did on the Zoom meeting in AA. So that's pretty mega.
42:17 Speaker 01 Well, I'm glad I could share it with you. At least got me here. Thanks for chatting with us.
42:22 Dax Shepard? Lovely meeting you. And please thank your husband, because obviously without his.
42:27 Speaker 01 Go get her attitude.
42:28 Dax Shepard? I guess that's what we could call it. Yeah.
42:30 Speaker 01 Sure, I will let him know.
42:33 Dax Shepard? All right, take care.
42:34 Speaker 01 Bye bye. Hi, Michelle.
42:37 Speaker 06 Hi.
42:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. We can hear you beautifully. Have you hung a sheet behind yourself?
42:42 Speaker 06 It's a large blanket and I feel like I look like I'm in like a hostage video.
42:47 Dax Shepard? I was just thinking if we wanted to change out your wardrobe and your background, it'd be easy to do because we're almost at that green that we use.
42:56 Speaker 06 You can tell what my favorite color is.
42:57 Speaker 01 Green's a great favorite color, geniuses.
43:00 Dax Shepard? That's what they say. Do you know different shades of green? I mean, I only know a couple. Are you an aficionado?
43:05 Speaker 06 No.
43:06 Speaker 01 I do. Kelly, sage, emerald forest.
43:10 Speaker 06 Sea foam.
43:11 Dax Shepard? Sea foam.
43:12 Speaker 01 Foam, good one.
43:13 Dax Shepard? British racing, green?
43:14 Speaker 01 There's a lot.
43:15 Dax Shepard? And where are you, Michelle?
43:16 Speaker 06 I'm currently in northeastern Pennsylvania, but I am from eastern North Carolina.
43:23 Dax Shepard? Close to the water?
43:24 Speaker 06 Right on the intercoastal waterway.
43:26 Dax Shepard? Oh, no kidding. Okay, so you have a wild card story. Please lay it out for us.
43:30 Speaker 06 The prompt I put on there was tell us a crazy ATV story.
43:35 Dax Shepard? My kind of story.
43:36 Speaker 06 I'll just give you a little bit of background. I'm the youngest of five kids and the only girl. Growing up with four older brothers was fun, but we kind of got into a little bit of craziness and probably did some stupid things also. This took place where I grew up in eastern North Carolina. It was in 2005. I was 14, freshman in high school. It was a rainy Saturday in October. My family was all kind of doing our own thing. My oldest brother, Jeff. Was twenty one at the time. He was away at college. My second oldest brother Doug was nineteen. He was upstairs asleep like well beyond noon.
44:17 Speaker 06 Comes into the story a little bit later. My brother Greg, he was seventeen. He was taking the SATs that morning. And then my youngest brother Curtis is just a year older than me, so he was fifteen. And him and his best friend Brett were just kind of hanging around the house. And then my parents had actually just left to drive to Durham to go to a Rolling Stones concert.
44:39 Dax Shepard? Oh, this is brave of them. And I got to ask, because again, in my experience, this was the case. Did they get crazier and crazier in descending order, your brothers?
44:47 Speaker 06 No, actually, I think we kind of go the opposite. My oldest brother did the dumbest shit.
44:52 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay. He was a cautionary tale?
44:55 Speaker 06 Yeah, so when I told my family that I was doing this, he said, we probably have a lot of stories we could submit. But in talking to my family before doing this, my dad said he recalls saying, probably mostly to my fifteen year old brother, don't do anything that you wouldn't do if we were here. So naturally, not even an hour after my parents left, Curtis and his friend Brett decided that it would be a good idea to take a boating tube and tie it to the back of the four wheeler and pull each other around in the wet grass.
45:28 Dax Shepard? Oh, great idea. I stand by this plan. It's a good one.
45:31 Speaker 06 The picture that I sent, it's not a juicy picture, but it just kind of lays out the area in our backyard that we called the lower field.
45:39 Dax Shepard? Oh, God, you're right on the water. How beautiful. Yeah, it's a big chunk of lawn. I mean, that's got to be a good acre of just flat grass right there.
45:48 Speaker 06 Nice, open area to pull each other around in the wet grass. And they were out there doing that for a little while, just taking turns pulling each other around. And as I remember it, my brother came inside and said, this is so much fun. You gotta come try it. And talking to him, he said that I came outside as they were about to wrap things up and wanted a turn.
46:10 Dax Shepard? Okay, so everyone's pointing the finger at one another. Am I right? These things generally have a really predictable curve, which is like you do the initial idea. And that's quite fun for a minute. And then the dopamine dissipates and you start thinking how we're going to ramp this up a little bit. Certainly putting you on back would be a ramp up of that.
46:27 Speaker 06 Yeah, and him and his friend were a fair amount heavier than me, so they probably weren't swinging around quite as much as I was, but I got on and this part of the story I kind of had to get from Curtis, from his point of view, but pulled me up and down the field a couple of times and then he was at the end of the field, like near the water, facing towards the house and he thought, I'll just do one last fast go towards the house. And I think I've heard you say before, Dax, that you never do one last lap or one last ride.
47:00 Dax Shepard? No last run. Someone says last run, pack it in right then. It's already been jinxed.
47:05 Speaker 06 He was straight facing towards the house. The tube was kind of off to the right side and he accelerated pretty fast and I slung out to the left and we actually had a boat and a boat trailer parked down in the yard there. So he was looking back at me, realized that the boat trailer was there and slammed on the brakes, but I kept swinging out to the left and I didn't jump off. I was on my stomach, holding on to the tube and I just stayed on and I swung right into the front of the boat trailer.
47:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, head first?
47:40 Speaker 06 The whole left side of my body.
47:42 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh, no, no, no.
47:47 Speaker 06 He immediately jumps off. The tube is popped. I'm unconscious. He's yelling to Brett to go inside and call 911.
47:56 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
47:57 Dax Shepard? Well, hold on. We've learned a lot about your brother in this moment, which is he's a man of integrity. Most young men at that point are gonna try to ride this out without getting in trouble. We're gonna figure out like-
48:06 Speaker 01 Really? Even when she's unconscious?
48:08 Dax Shepard? Well, he's not quite there. He's already yelling. Like, his instinct is to get help, which is incredible, I think, for a 15-year-old boy.
48:13 Speaker 06 He thought he killed me.
48:14 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:15 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay, okay.
48:17 Speaker 01 He's non-responsive.
48:18 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
48:19 Speaker 06 There was like a gurgling sound coming from my chest.
48:22 Speaker 01 Oh.
48:23 Speaker 06 He said he did what he probably shouldn't have done and was shaking me to wake me up. He said it felt like forever, but was probably like 10 seconds and I woke up crying eventually. They helped me back up to the house and older brother, nineteen year old, is still upstairs asleep. So they go wake him up.
48:41 Dax Shepard? Just get an adult on the scene.
48:43 Speaker 06 Not too long after Greg, who had been taking the SATs, walks into the kitchen to find me sitting in the chair, freaking out, asking if I was gonna die, I don't wanna die, is my heart bleeding? Every time I breathed, I had this gurgling in my chest that was happening. At some point, somebody called my parents. I don't know which brother did that, but they were probably forty-five minutes away.
49:13 Dax Shepard? Boy, it went to hell in a hurry, right?
49:14 Speaker 06 Yeah.
49:15 Dax Shepard? The parents are like, Jesus Christ, I barely got out of the drive, what are you idiots?
49:19 Speaker 06 My dad made a big U-turn and sped back pretty quickly to meet us at the hospital. So the ambulance arrived. I don't remember a ton about the ambulance ride, except for one very specific thought process I went through about what to do with the gum I had in my mouth.
49:35 Speaker 01 Oh, it stayed in there.
49:36 Speaker 06 Somehow I didn't choke on my gum. I was like storing it on the roof of my mouth, I guess. I had been chewing gum before the accident.
49:42 Speaker 01 Wow.
49:43 Speaker 06 I was laying in the ambulance and just thinking like, I shouldn't keep chewing this. And I definitely shouldn't swallow it because there's something like happening in there. So I looked at the paramedic and just said, will you take my gum? And stuck my tongue out. He kindly took the gum and threw it away for me and kinda chuckled at me.
50:04 Dax Shepard? Well, having interviewed quite a few paramedics at this point, that's like the nicest job they've probably had all year.
50:09 Speaker 01 They're lucky to do that.
50:11 Speaker 06 Eventually, make it to the hospital. My parents are able to meet us there, went through the whole workup. And my main injury was a hemo pneumothorax, which is essentially a collapsed lung with blood and air in between the lung and the chest wall.
50:28 Speaker 01 Oh.
50:29 Speaker 06 I got a chest tube placed.
50:31 Dax Shepard? Did you break any ribs?
50:32 Speaker 06 I didn't. I was fourteen. I think I was still pretty like bendy. So somehow I didn't break any ribs, just the blunt force caused the lung to pop essentially.
50:42 Dax Shepard? Do they have to inflate it? Do they blow it back up?
50:45 Speaker 06 No, so the chest tube goes in, in between your ribs, and then it's attached to a negative pressure suction. And so it takes the air and everything out of the pleural space so the lung can reinflate.
51:00 Dax Shepard? Uh huh, and you're obviously a doctor or nurse.
51:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
51:04 Dax Shepard? Even the fact that you said work up, soon as you said work up, I'm like, oh, she works at a hospital.
51:07 Speaker 01 Even when she said hemo pneumothorax.
51:10 Dax Shepard? She said it too well.
51:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, she nailed it.
51:12 Speaker 06 I'm an orthopedic surgery resident.
51:14 Speaker 01 Wow.
51:15 Dax Shepard? There we go.
51:16 Speaker 01 Is it because of this? Aw, meet cute kinda.
51:19 Speaker 06 No.
51:22 Dax Shepard? Meet cute with career.
51:23 Speaker 06 That was my main injury and the only other thing I had was a cut to my arm.
51:29 Dax Shepard? You got lucky it wasn't head first.
51:30 Speaker 01 I know, or that your head didn't bang really hard and you got CTE.
51:36 Speaker 06 You're very afraid of CTE.
51:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, I am, I am.
51:39 Dax Shepard? She's her number one fear, tied with mice in her water.
51:42 Speaker 01 Ah, rat water bottle.
51:43 Speaker 06 I was at the gym yesterday and I saw one of the girls in my class was looking inside of her metal water bottle as if she like saw something. And I was like, oh, oh my God, I wonder if there's something in there. I got a little concerned for her.
51:58 Dax Shepard? We've started a really irrational fear.
52:01 Speaker 01 I don't think it's irrational. It's a ratinal.
52:05 Dax Shepard? It's an irrational fear.
52:07 Speaker 01 Wow, well, that's scary.
52:09 Dax Shepard? Did you have to spend the night or did they let you out pretty quick?
52:11 Speaker 06 I had the chest tube for like two and a half days and then they pulled it out. So I was in the hospital for like three days.
52:17 Speaker 01 Your poor parents, they didn't get to see the stones.
52:20 Dax Shepard? And they missed the Rolling Stones?
52:20 Speaker 06 They did, yeah.
52:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, what was the punishment for your brother?
52:24 Speaker 06 He didn't get officially grounded. He did enough punishment of himself. He was pretty traumatized by it. He told me that afterwards he got really bad eczema from all the stress.
52:36 Speaker 01 That's sad.
52:37 Dax Shepard? Quite often you get enough consequence. We don't need to pile on.
52:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:41 Dax Shepard? How'd all these brothers turn out? How'd the one do on the SAT? Did he do alright?
52:45 Speaker 06 He got into college.
52:46 Speaker 01 That's what you want.
52:47 Dax Shepard? That's the goal. Are either of your parents doctors?
52:50 Speaker 06 My dad's an orthopedic surgeon.
52:51 Dax Shepard? There we go.
52:52 Speaker 06 I kind of like to say my fun fact is always that I've never broken a bone, only an organ.
52:58 Speaker 01 Oh.
53:00 Speaker 06 So kind of ironic that now I fix broken bones.
53:02 Speaker 01 Yes.
53:04 Speaker 06 My husband is actually a trauma surgeon and so this story to him is. Like, yeah, I see it every day. It's not that exciting.
53:13 Speaker 01 He's always trying to bring you down.
53:15 Dax Shepard? He's made, don't let him make you small. This is a substantial injury for a 14 year old.
53:19 Speaker 01 Do you guys watch the pit?
53:20 Speaker 06 He has been watching the pit. I've seen a couple of episodes. I come home from work. It's not very relaxing to watch a show that's basically about work. But I've heard it's very accurate. They've probably placed some chest tubes.
53:32 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, I've seen them. I've seen hemo, no more thoraxes, too.
53:35 Dax Shepard? Hemo, no more. What's the thing they're always saying on 16 minutes? Pneumococcal pneumonia.
53:40 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
53:41 Dax Shepard? Hemo, pneumococcal pneumonia.
53:45 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
53:46 Dax Shepard? I hate when these great laid plans go awry because I don't want anyone to be discouraged. You get out there and slide around a tube, but you just gotta maybe make sure the area is a little free.
53:54 Speaker 06 Recently, they actually got a large amount of snow in coastal North Carolina and my brother sent a video pulling my nieces around on a sled.
54:03 Dax Shepard? Yes, of course.
54:06 Speaker 06 We're still doing it. Don't worry.
54:07 Dax Shepard? I like this family.
54:08 Speaker 01 The eczema really didn't slow him down.
54:10 Dax Shepard? Well, lovely meeting you. Thank you, Michelle.
54:12 Speaker 06 Nice to meet you, too.
54:13 Dax Shepard? All right. Good luck on your residency.
54:14 Speaker 06 Thank you. Have a good day.
54:17 Speaker 01 I'm so impressed by these doctors.
54:20 Dax Shepard? Yes, surgeon, no less.
54:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a big job.
54:24 Dax Shepard? Of all the medical professionals, which one do you think you'd be most suited for?
54:28 Speaker 01 Oh, that's a good question.
54:30 Dax Shepard? Family practice? I mean, isn't that a good pick for you?
54:34 Speaker 01 Probably. I can't really see myself in, um...
54:39 Dax Shepard? In surgery or the ER.
54:42 Speaker 01 Maybe surgery. I'm pretty meticulous.
54:45 Dax Shepard? Okay, you don't mind the open body and all the blood and everything?
54:48 Speaker 01 Right, that part's gross.
54:49 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
54:51 Speaker 07 Maybe dentist?
54:51 Speaker 01 No, people's teeth, that's gnarly. Look, it's not for me.
54:56 Dax Shepard? We will say mine out loud on the three, two, one, right?
54:59 Speaker 01 Three, two, one, surgery. Oh!
55:03 Dax Shepard? Right there.
55:04 Speaker 01 Cause drugs.
55:05 Dax Shepard? I know everything about them.
55:06 Speaker 01 I thought you were gonna say surgery because you're good at mechanics and it is basically mechanics.
55:12 Dax Shepard? I have been on record saying I can do any surgery if I can see a YouTube video first.
55:16 Speaker 01 I was trying to be nice in saying that.
55:18 Dax Shepard? I just thought it would be such an obvious joke that it would be anesthesiologist. And then, of course, they'd be calling me all the time to the room. They'd be like, where is Dr. Shepherd?
55:27 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. And you're just high, walking around. I'm gonna be a fashion doctor.
55:32 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay. Fashion police slash doctor?
55:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:35 Dax Shepard? All right, love you.
55:39 Speaker 07 Sing a tune or something, we know a theme song.
55:41 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great.
55:43 Speaker 07 We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Ryan Dish. On the fly, Ryan Dish. Enjoy.
Previous David Sussillo (on foster care and neuroscience) Next Ike Barinholtz #4 Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated