Armchair Anonymous: Nurses III

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us their craziest nurse stories. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  This prompt delivers. It delivers on the level that foreign objects does and does unauthorized evacuation.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  It's a good prompt.

• 0:14Dax Shepard?

  It's nurse. It's nurse three, and I'm here to tell you there's gonna be nurse four through 100. That is my commitment. We got it all.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  What these heroes are going through.

• 0:25Dax Shepard?

  This would be our one story of our whole life. And these people have to figure out which of 150 stories do they want to tell us? I bet we'll have some folks back, you know?

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:37Dax Shepard?

  Okay, please enjoy and be in a place where you can run to the bathroom. Nurses, part three. We get support from Quince.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 0:56Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:36Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time, and he looks iconic.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:47Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 2:05Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is presented by YouTube Premium. YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply. Cancel anytime. Now let's get into today's episode.

• 3:05Dax Shepard?

  Hello?

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Hello?

• 3:08Dax Shepard?

  Hi, is this Andy?

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Hi, yes, it is.

• 3:12Dax Shepard?

  And Andy, where are you other than in your closet?

• 3:14Speaker 02

  I am on Vancouver Island.

• 3:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness. Is it heaven right now?

• 3:19Speaker 02

  It's gorgeous. And we have a pontoon boat. We keep it in the water until like October, usually Thanksgiving, which is middle of October for us. And we use it to the max.

• 3:28Dax Shepard?

  And it's in saltwater or in a lake?

• 3:31Speaker 02

  In a beautiful, beautiful lake.

• 3:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's crystal clear?

• 3:35Speaker 02

  It's green, blue, like it's almost Caribbean colored. Like when you see the people wake surfing, the wave is gorgeous. The pictures I take of my friends wake surfing, I'm always like, look at the color of the water.

• 3:46Dax Shepard?

  You're missing the color of the water.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:49Dax Shepard?

  I wish I could say the same for our lake, Old Hickory in Nashville. It's quite murky, but we love it just the same.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  A little brown?

• 3:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's a little brown, sure. But that water you're describing is very much like Northern Michigan has Torch Lake, a few lakes that look like the Caribbean or the Caribbean.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're so thankful we get to live by. And then we're only a little ways from the West Coast, like Tofino, Yuculat, which of course is spectacular.

• 4:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and are you a nurse?

• 4:15Speaker 02

  I am.

• 4:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful. How long have you been a nurse?

• 4:18Speaker 02

  I've been a nurse for about 20 years.

• 4:20Dax Shepard?

  20 years? What's the lifespan of a nurse? And I don't mean like before you die. I mean like, do people fatigue out of the job? Is it stressful or do people stick around a long time?

• 4:31Speaker 02

  The beauty of nursing is that you can change your focus. There's so many different areas of nursing. So people kind of maybe burn out in a critical care situation like emergency, and then they'll go to like community, which is a little more chill. I'm an operating room nurse and I love it. I can't imagine doing anything else.

• 4:53Dax Shepard?

  After listening to Dr. Death, we need you. We need your eyes on the scene.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  We're necessary.

• 5:01Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a crazy nurse story?

• 5:03Speaker 02

  I do. Our ORs run on a slate, a normal schedule, and sometimes we get emergencies. And the surgeons will come in in the middle of the day and say, I need to bump in.

• 5:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, what does that mean, bump in?

• 5:14Speaker 02

  It means that they're gonna interrupt the slate as it's supposed to be, people with scheduled surgeries, and they need to do their emergency now. Lots of emergencies, we can wait till the end of the day. We finish this booked patients and then add these guys on. But this one, they're like, we need to do it now. They say it's a younger gentleman and he's got an open wound on his scrotal coccyx kind of area.

• 5:39Dax Shepard?

  What's coccyx?

• 5:39Speaker 02

  Your tailbone.

• 5:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so somehow there's a tear between his tailbone and his testicles.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Yes, exactly. And in the summer, we see lots of these because this is a gross human anatomy thing. But when people sit for a long time, often on long sweaty car rides in summer vacation, they can get an infection or something down there. And so we see a lot of gentlemen come in when they need their scrotum or coccyx area kind of tended to.

• 6:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and is it generally staff? Is that what people get there?

• 6:10Speaker 02

  Sometimes. Sometimes it can also be necrotizing fasciitis.

• 6:14Dax Shepard?

  That means necrotic flesh, like it's done?

• 6:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and that's got a really nice smell, right?

• 6:18Speaker 02

  It's a distinctive one, yeah.

• 6:21Dax Shepard?

  There's no mistaking it?

• 6:22Speaker 02

  We don't even need to pull back the blankets. We're like, ah, neck fasciitis, welcome.

• 6:27Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  So the urologist warns us and says, we've seen some maggots. And we're like, okay, no biggie, but this is odd for this location. Like sometimes we see maggots, but it's on wounds that are more kind of exposed to the air, like limbs, like legs or feet or something. And people who aren't necessarily taking that well care of themselves. Between the patient coming from emerged to our operating room, we learned that it's sadly a paraplegic. And the mom was the primary caregiver and she had passed away recently. And nobody stepped in to care for this patient. And they were kind of trying to make a go of it on their own at home. It's really, really sad.

• 7:09Dax Shepard?

  No nurse visiting ever? Just completely solo, paraplegic?

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, so the patient's not doing well because this infection is now gone systemic. They're septic. We need to get them in and clear out this infection. So we bring the patient into the operating room. We haven't really seen much. We pull back the blankets to move them from the stretcher to the operating room table. And I can see the maggots. They're crawling around.

• 7:36Dax Shepard?

  And if you had to ballpark, how many maggots are we talking 10 or 100?

• 7:40Speaker 02

  At this point, I can probably see 40 to 60, and they're just kind of crawling. But I haven't seen the wound yet. So we move them over and we move the blankets. We get the patient to sleep. And then we lift up the legs to check the extent. And there are probably three to four holes that are between, I would say, five to 10 centimeters. And they are packed with maggots.

• 8:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. This has got to be like baseball size of maggots.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  They're actually tiny, but they're so packed in that it looks like a honeycomb, if you can picture that. It's just maggot butts stacked on top of each other.

• 8:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, if I'm you guys, like, do I start with raid?

• 8:31Speaker 02

  No, normally, so if we have a cavity that we have to prep, like you do surgery, right? You try to decontaminate the area that you're gonna operate on. Normally for a cavity, we would take a sponge with iodine solution on it and just kind of swish it around in there. I look at the surgeon and I'm like, I can't. I'm like, all I'm gonna do is stir up these maggots.

• 8:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, are you to scoop them out first?

• 8:59Speaker 02

  We're trying not to disturb the wound. Like, they wanna get in there in a sterile as possible way first, right? So he's like, I don't know, just pour it on. So we just start trying to angle this Betadine solution into these holes the best we can.

• 9:16Dax Shepard?

  To like flush them out?

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Totally, or just to get the area as germ-free as we can. We do that and the maggots kinda start to make a run for it. Their instinct is to go into the wound and stay with the flesh that's dying. They all start to come out, but we've gotta get on with surgery. So we throw the drapes on, put them on, which is like, you know, when you see surgery on TV, it's all the blue kind of paper and stuff, but they're starting to run up the patient's body. So we have a scrub nurse that's with the surgeon and so the surgery gets started and the scrub nurse and the surgeon are just like scooping out handfuls of maggots and putting them in buckets. And then we're also suctioning them up as well into big suction canisters. But I'm under the drapes

• 10:00Speaker 02

  because I am in charge of scooping up all the ones that are making a run for it. And we've got an anesthesiologist, of course, at the head of the bed and anesthesiologists do what they do because they don't love the muck and the mire of the operating room. For the anesthesiologist, the thought of maggots heading his way, he was just like panicked.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  So I'm just under there scooping them into a container and then dumping it and then scooping them and dumping it.

• 10:27Dax Shepard?

  We're talking hundreds and hundreds.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Thousands.

• 10:31Dax Shepard?

  When you had gathered them all, were you putting them in like a five gallon bucket or smaller?

• 10:37Speaker 02

  For the OR, people who were sterile, they had like stainless steel buckets. They were scooping them in and then dumping them into something else. I was just putting them into like smaller containers that I had under the drapes.

• 10:48Dax Shepard?

  When you had the majority of them in the, the central container, how much volume are we looking at?

• 10:55Speaker 02

  Probably a couple liters.

• 10:57Dax Shepard?

  If anyone can picture the two liter bottle of Coke on the shelf at the grocery store, I mean, fuck.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was a lot. And at one point I came up from the drapes to dump and our wonderful scrub nurse, who was actually a travel nurse that was visiting with us, it was his last day. And he just looked at me straight in the eye and he said, I do not get paid enough for this.

• 11:21Dax Shepard?

  So what did the, then the surgeon goes in in their jobs to what? Try to cut out all the necrotic flesh? So there's no more of that?

• 11:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, so they're trying to get rid of the, all the decaying flesh, cause now that's going systemic and it's making the patient sick.

• 11:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh my gosh, and what's the recovery time for this person?

• 11:38Speaker 02

  They went away to the ICU. I'm not sure about the outcome. That's the problem with the OR. We, we stitch them up and we send them off and we don't necessarily know what happens after that.

• 11:49Dax Shepard?

  When you were younger, did you ever check? Were you curious and over time you just don't check?

• 11:54Speaker 02

  We're actually not allowed. They monitor nurses very closely in terms of looking at charts. So if you open up a patient's chart, it's flagged that you've opened it and you can't check on them kind of after you've seen them. And that prevents stuff like looking at people you know or looking up stuff for family members and that kinda thing. So we're really restricted. The only information we get about how a patient's done is if the surgeon knows and they can come back and tell us they did fine or they didn't do fine.

• 12:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh boy, what a heartbreaking scenario.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Oh, it's terrible.

• 12:28Dax Shepard?

  So he must've just felt so bad from being septic, he finally called 911?

• 12:33Speaker 02

  I think someone went to finally check on him and what we heard was that he was already down in the home and someone called 911.

• 12:40Dax Shepard?

  Oof. If we give that one a 10, over this 20 years, you've had, I'm sure numerous, and was it hard for you to pick what story you would tell?

• 12:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, the OR, we see all kinds of crazy stuff. Years ago, I had a rodeo guy who got kicked in the jaw by a horse. And normally, we would have a certain entry point to fix a jaw, but the horse had kicked him enough that it opened up, so we were able to just go in through the opening that the horse had nicely made for us.

• 13:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh my goodness.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  It's crazy stuff sometimes.

• 13:12Dax Shepard?

  Andy, my deepest gratitude that you're doing what you do. I think everyone feels that way. I mean, it takes, it takes a certain breed to be able to look at the honeycomb with the maggots coming out.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  I looked online to see if I, cause of course, we can't take pictures and video and stuff in the operating room just for privacy and I thought I'd look online to see if I could find anything and.

• 13:33Dax Shepard?

  Comparable?

• 13:34Speaker 02

  I stopped going down that road. I was like, nope, nope, I'm backing out.

• 13:38Dax Shepard?

  You don't want your algorithms to start feeding you that.

• 13:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. Can I give a little shout out?

• 13:43Dax Shepard?

  I would love to hear a shout out.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  So I'd like to shout out to my best friend, Christy. She is the ultimate armchair. You are hands down her celebrity crush. And she talks about it all the time.

• 13:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  Upstairs at Elle's was definitely our track of the summer. And so thank you for putting us on to that.

• 14:02Dax Shepard?

  And did you dance with reckless abandon?

• 14:04Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 14:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. Well, big shout out to her and thanks. I don't know if she turned you on to it or not, but we appreciate it.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've been listening for years, but this was when the nurse prompt came up. She's like, this is you, this is you. So.

• 14:16Dax Shepard?

  You're up, you're up, go. Hit him with the maggot story.

• 14:20Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 14:21Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's lovely meeting you. I hope you get extra, extra days out on the pontoon before it gets cold.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  Yes, well, if you ever wanna come to West Coast.

• 14:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I do. We have, I'd say, a disproportionate amount of people we interview from Vancouver Island. I don't know, shit goes down up there, but definitely on Armchair Anonymous. I'll just say Canadians in general, considering that you're less than one tenth of our population, you're definitely more than one tenth of our crazy calls.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  Love it.

• 14:45Dax Shepard?

  All right. Well, take care. It's so nice meeting you, Andy.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  You too. Thank you so much.

• 14:49Dax Shepard?

  All right, bye bye.

• 14:51Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 14:52Dax Shepard?

  Hello.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Wow, you have gorgeous teeth.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  Oh, thank you.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  Really nice smile.

• 14:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they really hit you right between the eyes, don't they?

• 15:01Speaker 03

  Good. That's how they should be.

• 15:03Dax Shepard?

  What fake name should we use?

• 15:05Speaker 03

  What would you like?

• 15:06Dax Shepard?

  I wanna say Kelly, cause you look like my cousin Kelly.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  All right.

• 15:10Dax Shepard?

  If you have no sworn enemies named Kelly.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  No, totally fine.

• 15:13Dax Shepard?

  And where are you, Kelly? Other than a dark room?

• 15:16Speaker 03

  I'm in the Midwest and I wouldn't be surprised if at the end of this, you might be able to guess what state I'm from, just based on how I talk.

• 15:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so are you a nurse?

• 15:28Speaker 03

  I am a nurse.

• 15:29Dax Shepard?

  Okay, we love you already.

• 15:30Speaker 03

  I've been a nurse since 2010, so 16 years.

• 15:34Dax Shepard?

  And what type of nurse are you? And I bet maybe that's changed over the 16 years?

• 15:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's been different. I have been a cardiac telemetry nurse. I now teach full-time at a technical college, so I get to teach the nurses to be nurses.

• 15:49Dax Shepard?

  Is the cardiac telemetry, were you assisting putting in pacemakers? What did that mean?

• 15:53Speaker 03

  We would care for patients after they had a pacemaker placed. The system that I worked in, we sent patients to a different hospital that cared for them, higher level and stuff like that. So we saw a lot of chest pain patients who were there for a stress test, but then also, of course, everything else.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  You being a nurse and a teacher crosses over on two favorites.

• 16:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'd say you got two of the four quadrants. I'm not even sure that there's two more, but it just feels like to be safe.

• 16:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a crazy nursing story.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  I do. So this takes place, I think about 10, 11 years ago. I know I was definitely not a new nurse when this happened. This took place kind of in a Midwest sort of suburban hospital. We admitted this patient for severe abdominal pain and hematemesis. Do you know that word?

• 16:46Dax Shepard?

  No, what's hematemesis? I know blood is hema.

• 16:50Speaker 03

  Yep, bloody vomit.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, kinda my least favorite thing too. So they were vomiting up a lot of blood.

• 17:00Dax Shepard?

  Is there a high percentage guess of what that normally is?

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Perforation.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, usually we think something's up in the stomach or the upper intestines. We needed to rule out upper gastrointestinal bleed and figure out what was going on. Of course, managing the pain was part of this whole care plan as well. And so we immediately had to do diagnostic tests. So EGD, colonoscopy. The EGD found nothing, not a single source of bleeding, not even any tissue that was questionable. The gastrointestinal providers was like, I literally found nothing, not in the esophagus, not the stomach, not the small intestine where they could reach the scope. Same with the colonoscopy, nothing in there, which wouldn't really make sense for vomiting up blood.

• 17:47Dax Shepard?

  So you did nose to tail on this person and we don't see any tears or anything?

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 17:52Dax Shepard?

  You need Dr. House at this point.

• 17:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, we do. We did blood work, of course, nothing really showed up, no infection, maybe a little bit anemic. You know, they're losing blood. So that's what we know for now.

• 18:13Dax Shepard?

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• 18:38Speaker 01

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• 18:39Dax Shepard?

  Cooking. Listen, with Premium, you don't have to keep the screen open. So I can lock my phone, slide it into my pocket and listen to a podcast while I'm folding laundry or working out. It's also completely ad free, meaning when a narrator is building up to the climax of an insane story, there's zero interruption. And for travel, offline download saves the day. I love this one. Relying on airplane wifi can be a gamble, so I just download my favorite videos before takeoff. And with smart downloads, Premium will automatically download new videos from channels you actually follow without having to lift a finger. I'm covered if I forget to download a video I want to watch, or even if there's no service. And the home run for me is that YouTube Premium remembers exactly where I left off

• 19:21Dax Shepard?

  and lets me continue watching on another device from right where I stopped. So I can start a video on my TV while brushing my teeth and pick it right back up on my phone on my morning walk. So yeah, YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. We get support from Superhuman. I'm someone who wants to do big, meaningful work, but the small stuff eats up my day before I even get to it. The endless emails, docs, scheduling, follow ups that pile up. By the time all that's cleared, there's no energy left for the ambitious stuff. Most AI tools promise to fix that, but they require opening a new tab, re-explaining

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• 20:52Dax Shepard?

  So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 21:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so Instagram has got something called Teen Accounts, and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 21:33Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on, and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram's helping to give parents peace of mind with Teen Accounts.

• 21:52Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about Teen Accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts. This episode is supported by Dell. Ready to upgrade your PC? The Dell Top Tech Event is here. And you can skip the research because independent tech experts already did it. Dell has laptops, desktops, and monitors that have been tested, reviewed, and named a winner by the publishers you trust. So instead of spending hours researching, you get a shortlist that's already proven. Take the Dell XPS 13 Laptop, built for those who want better. Whether you're studying, working, or just getting things done, its thin and light design

• 22:36Dax Shepard?

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• 23:22Speaker 03

  In terms of like pain management, that's kind of where I come in, making sure that they're getting the appropriate medications to manage their pain. They were getting opioid pain medication through their IV access. I was giving hydromorphone diluted through their IV.

• 23:38Dax Shepard?

  That's a nice product, you know?

• 23:40Speaker 03

  Yes. It was not really doing the tricks. I was seeing him vomit up blood, like filling the kidney basin that we put at the bedside. Huge clots in his vomit.

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Seeing this. Vomit is like one of my least favorite things, that and sputum. So it's like, take your pick. So that's probably one of the reasons why this story stands out to me so much.

• 24:07Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask, how big are these clots? Are they the size of a penny?

• 24:10Speaker 03

  Like a golf ball.

• 24:17Dax Shepard?

  A poached egg.

• 24:18Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, poached egg.

• 24:23Speaker 03

  At some point during the hospital stay, this is kind of over the course of a number of days that I'm caring for this patient, you know, the providers are getting a little suspicious about something's up here. And so we needed to assign the patient to be a one-on-one sitter, where we have typically a CNA, sit with them in their room 24/7, eyes on them the whole time, safety reasons, right? And we needed to make sure that they weren't causing any harm to themselves. So I remember being a little bit like oblivious to like these suspicions and thinking, I just so badly wanted to believe this patient that something's really wrong. What's happening? And giving them the benefit of the doubt.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Do you have a guess?

• 25:08Dax Shepard?

  Well, it sounds moon chows, right?

• 25:11Speaker 01

  I have a guess, but I'm not gonna say.

• 25:12Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 25:13Speaker 03

  Good guesses. One of the other things that we were dealing with was that we were not able to maintain like peripheral IV access. So in forearms and hands, we weren't able to keep any IVs in there. So we did attempt, and I partnered with the hospital provider at the time, to put in a central line, just because we did need IV access.

• 25:34Dax Shepard?

  And where's the central line go?

• 25:36Speaker 03

  The central line goes in the neck, so they find a big vein in the neck, either just above the clavicle or below the clavicle. We attempted to do that at the bedside, but that did not work. We were unsuccessful. We were not able to access this vein that we needed.

• 25:52Dax Shepard?

  I'm getting junky clues as well, like if you've collapsed a lot of veins, they too run out of veins to use.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  Yep. And so we ultimately were able to place a PIC line, a peripherally inserted central catheter, which Dax, you know, goes in the upper arm, has a very long tube that enters all the way to the top of the heart.

• 26:11Dax Shepard?

  Crazy long, I would say.

• 26:12Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah. I think when they get taken out, everybody goes, oh my gosh.

• 26:16Dax Shepard?

  I know the guy was pulling it for a while. I was like, he had to wind it like a hose as it was coming out.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  Yep. So we got the PIC line in, we were able to use that to administer the IV pain medications, and still being watched one-on-one with a sitter. And then some of the behaviors, we started to get a little bit worried about. So I was getting reported to, from the sitter, about, hey, this patient keeps putting their head underneath the blanket. And so I can't see their face, I can't see their head. I've asked them to please keep your head visible, I need to be able to see you, all that stuff. And they would just, I think, pretend that they were sleeping and that it was really bright in there. And thankfully, because I was pretty good at building a relationship with patients at this time, I had to be really stern. Hey, this isn't gonna work.

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Like, you're gonna have to stay out where we can see you at all times. It would work for a little while, and then back under the blankets again.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Can we get an age range of this person?

• 27:15Speaker 03

  I was wondering if you would ask. I think probably 40s. Maybe early 50s. So unfortunately, we got to the point where there was really nothing else we could do. We had no more tests, everything was inconclusive, pain management was as good as we can get it, we tested for everything. So ultimately, we discharged the patient from the hospital. You know, of course, this patient is on my mind for some time afterwards. And so I caught up with the hospital provider, who I worked really closely with, and said, hey, whatever happened to this patient?

• 27:55Speaker 03

  And the story goes, the patient was admitted to another nearby hospital for the same problems. And it was found out that they were under the covers of the blankets, opening up the ports, the hubs on the end of their PIC line, undoing the clamps and taking off the hub cap that we put on there, and sucking the blood out.

• 28:28Speaker 03

  Of the pick line swallowing it and then throwing it.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  Yes. Okay, that was my guess. He was drinking blood.

• 28:38Dax Shepard?

  It was.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  Ew.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  He's a vampire.

• 28:43Dax Shepard?

  He's an auto auto vamp. Where do you think he was getting the initial blood from before the pick line?

• 28:49Speaker 03

  That's a good question. I'm not really sure.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Murder.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  I don't know if they had any injuries. I don't know any of that.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  He'd maybe been collecting blood over time.

• 28:59Dax Shepard?

  And is the theory that this person was Moon Chauzen or a drug seeker?

• 29:04Speaker 03

  I have a feeling that at this point in time, this was this patient's solution to getting opioid medication.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 29:13Speaker 03

  If I would have known now what I knew back then, my approach with this patient would have been totally different, you know, thanks to learning from you guys over all this time and making sure that, hey, yeah, this is a real thing and it's really hard. I wouldn't have changed how I cared for their pain. What a patient says their pain is, is what they say it is.

• 29:37Dax Shepard?

  If you're wrong, someone's suffering greatly because you know everything, then you're gonna feel terrible about that.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  That happened.

• 29:44Dax Shepard?

  So you gotta live with it. It's like the justice system. Some guilty people are gonna get away with it, you know? That's preferable, right? It'd be preferable to suck the blood out of your pick line than to deal with the detox. It's pretty powerful.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, that speaks pretty greatly to what they're willing to do, for sure.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 30:02Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  But yeah, that's my craziest story on how my patient drank their blood.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. That is horrifying.

• 30:14Dax Shepard?

  Kelly, this has been a delight and anyone who has you as a nurse is so lucky.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  And a teacher.

• 30:19Speaker 03

  Thank you. I have to, of course, shout out my husband and my kids, who we listen to Armchair Anonymous together.

• 30:26Dax Shepard?

  Great.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  My husband's not necessarily a podcast person, but he's totally hooked and the kids are 12 and 10.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  And we do a lot of, uh, teaching with them.

• 30:42Dax Shepard?

  That's a great conversation starter, yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly. A lot of pausing. Okay, what questions do you have about this? But they do not know I'm doing this.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Oh, fun. Say hi, mom.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  They'll hear my voice, I think, and they've been telling me to submit for a long time. Do you have a story, mom? Do you have a story? Yeah, I sure do.

• 31:04Dax Shepard?

  Of course I do. Well, I want to say to both the little ones that we're so delighted they're listening.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 31:09Dax Shepard?

  Whether it's ethical or not, I won't decide. I let my kids listen, so you know, all all burn in hell together, I guess, so.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, if anybody wants to judge us, you know, I just say, well, Dax does it, so.

• 31:22Dax Shepard?

  They seem to be attending school.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  They're learning it from me rather than on the school bus or at school.

• 31:28Dax Shepard?

  I heard all these kinds of stories on a playground with just no context or anyone explaining what was really going on, yeah.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly. They will not be the kids that grow up to put anything in their butt that doesn't have a face on it.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  Exactly. Cautionary tale.

• 31:43Dax Shepard?

  Or if they do put a tether on it, you know, if we've learned anything, make sure you can get it out.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  It needs a tether.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  And old wives.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  Can't go out of town. There's a lot to learn from this.

• 31:52Dax Shepard?

  And be realistic in what fits in there. We've learned.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  But some things are too small. They get lost. It's a real fine line.

• 31:59Dax Shepard?

  Dildos exist for a reason, I guess, is the moral of the whole story. Like, there is a perfect size.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  I'm sure some have gotten stuck.

• 32:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure. I'm sure, yeah. Well, I'm glad we could send this into the ditch right at the end. Lovely meeting you and I'm delighted the whole family will be listening. We're sending love.

• 32:16Speaker 03

  Thank you so much. This was so fun.

• 32:18Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 32:19Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 32:20Dax Shepard?

  Bye.

• 32:22Dax Shepard?

  Hi there.

• 32:24Speaker 04

  Hi.

• 32:25Dax Shepard?

  Do you have a fake name that you're drawn to?

• 32:27Speaker 04

  Anything you want to use.

• 32:28Dax Shepard?

  Well, you look like a cherub. I don't know where we go with that.

• 32:31Speaker 04

  Angel.

• 32:32Dax Shepard?

  Angel. Boom. Really good job.

• 32:34Speaker 04

  Okay, you can do that.

• 32:35Dax Shepard?

  Angel, where are you?

• 32:36Speaker 04

  Currently in Florida, but this story takes place in the Southwest.

• 32:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. I love the vagueness. This promises to be juicy.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  We love this prompt.

• 32:46Dax Shepard?

  Morning picking Arizona.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Okay, but she can't say.

• 32:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we're not gonna say, but just I'm already feeling Arizona. It's a wild place, Arizona.

• 32:52Speaker 01

  There's a lot going on there.

• 32:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there's a lot of things happening. So are you a nurse, I presume?

• 32:57Speaker 04

  Yes, I am a nurse.

• 32:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and how long have you been a nurse?

• 33:00Speaker 04

  Nine months.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  Oh, brand new.

• 33:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wow, congrats.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  How are you liking it?

• 33:06Speaker 04

  I love it. It is the best ever. Some challenges for sure, but it's been a great experience. I'm very excited.

• 33:13Dax Shepard?

  I imagine it's just an exciting job. Everything's different. It's never stops.

• 33:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, and the coworkers are great. Everyone you work with is lovely and wonderful.

• 33:21Dax Shepard?

  You guys are the best we got. Okay, so you have a crazy nurse story and we want to hear it.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  Okay, so I'll set the scene. I graduated in December with my nursing degree. I went to school in Arizona. You were right.

• 33:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay, funny.

• 33:33Speaker 04

  Went to another state in the Southwest for work and I took a job at a large teaching hospital where everyone's brand new. There's new doctors, new nurses, new everything pretty much. And the beginning of the year is hard because a lot of people are transitioning into new jobs. So there's a lot of change, but I'm going through orientation. It's about four months. And so I get off orientation around April. And I've been off orientation two weeks. It's going great. I love everything. My patients are wonderful. The other thing to note is when you are a new grad, they give you the easiest patients usually on the unit.

• 34:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, dip your toe in and then build your confidence.

• 34:06Speaker 04

  So great and easy and you're like, yeah, it's great. And then it gets worse.

• 34:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 34:11Speaker 04

  So I'm getting a report on these patients. It's my first shift of three. The last patient that I get report on, they're telling me like 50s, male. He is one day post-op. He had his penis removed.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Oh. Okay.

• 34:25Dax Shepard?

  That's a bombshell.

• 34:26Speaker 04

  Let me go meet him. Let me go say hi. And so I pop in and he's sleeping. So I'm like, oh, I'll come back. I get the rest of my report and the other nurse is telling me, she's like, well, he left a cock ring on.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 34:38Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  My God.

• 34:40Dax Shepard?

  And it went gangrene?

• 34:42Speaker 04

  For three weeks.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  No.

• 34:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  Wait, why? Oh, he just loved it.

• 34:47Dax Shepard?

  Or couldn't get it off, maybe.

• 34:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, he could not get it off.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  Wow, good for him.

• 34:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good for her or him, whoever.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 34:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my gosh, okay.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  How small are these cock rings?

• 35:01Dax Shepard?

  Well, I think they come in different sizes, so I think you're supposed to get one appropriate to your shaft size.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  Squish it.

• 35:08Dax Shepard?

  Squeeze it. Well, because all your penis is doing to get hard, right, is it's restricting the blood that can come back out. It's filling up all these vessels.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  So just keeping it hard, kind of.

• 35:17Dax Shepard?

  Harder, I think you get increased size with it. I'm gonna be very candid. I've not ever worn one, so I'm speaking on theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just guessing what's going on.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Okay, uh-oh. So he got a child size.

• 35:30Dax Shepard?

  Well, let me say this. This is what I heard early on from a dude who I knew who was a male stripper. And he said the thing the male strippers would do is they would tie a bit of string at the base of their shaft or a cock ring because they're at work for whatever, six hours dancing, and they want their penis to be engorged.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, my God. Well, don't do it. Now we know.

• 35:51Speaker 04

  So I'm getting report, my jaw's on the floor. And I'm like, well, what happened? Like, how was he found? Did he just walk in with this? And he was found by his friend that he like lives with, some sort of social situation. He was found down and his friend had thought he had overdosed. And so he's like calling 911. They bring him in. They're treating it like an overdose from his house to the hospital. Comes to the hospital, they take all his clothes off. And they're like, don't think he overdosed on anything. Don't know, but we have other problems here. And they're like giving him some fluids. He's kind of coming to, and I guess they got consent downstairs. They're like, look, we don't want to take your penis, but it's not looking good. We can try this like vascular procedure.

• 36:33Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 36:34Speaker 04

  Try and save it. And he's like, okay, let's do that.

• 36:36Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, was he sepsis? Is that why he was unconscious?

• 36:40Speaker 04

  Partially that, but also like his urine's backing up because he's not able to get any urine out.

• 36:45Speaker 01

  Oh, for how long again?

• 36:48Speaker 04

  When I talked to him later, he was saying, he's like, I had like a full stream of pee for like the first week and a half. And then after that, it was like dribbling.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  God.

• 36:57Dax Shepard?

  Mama mia.

• 36:59Dax Shepard?

  Papa Pia.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 37:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 37:08Dax Shepard?

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• 37:34Speaker 05

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• 38:19Speaker 05

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• 38:31Dax Shepard?

  This episode is supported by Helix.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Dax, is there anything better than crawling into a perfect bed on a cold fall night? Candlelit hoodie on, maybe even some rain outside, the dream.

• 38:45Dax Shepard?

  That's the dream. You just described one of my ideal fall nights.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  I know, and thanks to Helix, my bed actually lives up to the vibe. All I had to do was take the Helix sleep quiz, and within two minutes, they matched me to a mattress built for exactly how I sleep. I have a midnight mattress. It also has cooling technology, which I really.

• 39:06Dax Shepard?

  Increasingly so.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  I need it. I have to have it. And I heard that you're supposed to sleep at a cold temp or optimal sleep. It's very, very helpful.

• 39:17Dax Shepard?

  She is not wrong. I have one too, and it's been such a game changer for sleep. And I love that they make it so easy. Free shipping right to your door. And what they're happy with Helix guarantee, you'll get a full 365 nights to try it. A whole year to live in that cozy. They've got over 20 mattress models, so no matter how you sleep, they've got one for you.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  And it's not just us saying it. Helix has been named the most awarded mattress brand by Forbes, Wired, and more. You've got to try it for yourself.

• 39:44Dax Shepard?

  Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com/armchair. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, but you don't need a day on the calendar to give yourself permission to talk to someone. I've been in therapy for a long time, and the stuff rattling around in my head always just quiets down the second I say it out loud. And it doesn't have to be some big life crisis.

• 40:26Dax Shepard?

  Maybe it's a work thing that's taking up too much space, or hard relationship moment, or just a feeling that something's off. That's enough. That's worth talking about.

• 40:35Speaker 01

  You know, I love therapy more than anything. Gets me through. Often I'll want to cancel because I'm like, I don't really have anything to talk about. And then I'll go and I have some major revelation.

• 40:46Dax Shepard?

  You know, I was just talking to a friend who has just started it. And I said, one of the most powerful elements of it is just hearing yourself say out loud the thing that's been ruminating in your head and how different it sounds once it's out into the world. You gain perspective immediately just by hearing yourself say it.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do.

• 41:02Dax Shepard?

  If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the US? You can still get 10% off your first month. Do yourself a favor and just try it. Future you will be grateful. Visit betterhelp.com/dax to explore your payment options. That's better H E L P dot com slash Dax.

• 41:38Speaker 04

  So they take him for that procedure. He wakes up the next morning on our unit and I'm getting this all in report. So she's telling me like, I had him and it just looked bad. It was black. It just didn't look like it was going to survive. And so the surgeon comes in and he's like, look, we have to take this. We're going to remove your penis today.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  Oh my God, what.

• 41:58Dax Shepard?

  What a sentence to hear. Also, let's be clear, this man is an active man. He enjoys his penis.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  Clearly.

• 42:03Dax Shepard?

  He's got cock rings on.

• 42:05Speaker 04

  And so I'm getting him the day after he just had his penis removed.

• 42:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 42:09Speaker 04

  And I walk in and I'm prepared for like emotional, let's have a conversation. This is really challenging. I'm so sorry this is going on. Let's talk about this. And he's like, oh, I'm doing good this morning. You know, not having a lot of pain, doing really well. And report I got that we had to change the dressing every two hours because they rerouted his urethra through his scrotum.

• 42:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 42:32Speaker 04

  Because he didn't want to have a like superpubic catheter. He didn't want a bag external of him. But that was like the agreement he came to with the urologist of like, we can try it, but it may not be a thing. And so his urine is draining out of his scrotum.

• 42:47Dax Shepard?

  Wow. Hold on a second. I'm just trying to like, really model what it would feel like to grab my ball sack and aim it.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  You'd have to aim it.

• 42:57Dax Shepard?

  Well, sure, sure, sure.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  Or you stand at an angle.

• 43:00Dax Shepard?

  You might want to sit, you know, because they're going to droop downward anyways. Okay. Wow, that's an adjustment. Urinating through your balls. So does he have a catheter through his urethra that is in his ball sack?

• 43:13Speaker 04

  No, it is just his urethra coming out.

• 43:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay, all right.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Modern medicine.

• 43:19Dax Shepard?

  They can do anything.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  That's incredible.

• 43:22Dax Shepard?

  I want to have mine run out the palm of my hand so I can just like pee out the window and stuff. Am I driving? Wouldn't that be convenient?

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:29Speaker 04

  But it's leaking there. And so I'm pulling back this dressing. It is sopping wet. I pull it back. I take out the packed gauze that's in it, and it is like a baseball sized gaping hole.

• 43:42Dax Shepard?

  Where his penis was or in the testicles?

• 43:44Speaker 04

  Where his penis was.

• 43:45Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 43:46Dax Shepard?

  They dug it out.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 43:51Speaker 04

  And taking the gauze out and I'm like, I don't think this is how we're supposed to be dressing this. I need to call a nurse or nurse. I need help.

• 43:58Dax Shepard?

  Were you conscious of your face? When I saw it, my next thought would be like, oh, control your face. God knows what it looks like right now.

• 44:05Speaker 04

  I think I was like trying to, because I was like, I know it's going to look rough. Let me like try and keep a straight face.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  Are you wearing a mask?

• 44:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Okay. Thank God. Yeah.

• 44:15Speaker 04

  I have another nurse with me. We're looking at it together and she's like, you should call wound care. She's like, I don't know what the surgeon said. I don't know what they want. And so I'm like messaging back and forth with wound care. And I'm like, hey, I just want to make sure we're doing the right thing. I don't want to make this worse. It's a really wet wound. He has urine around it and that doesn't seem great.

• 44:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. Although, isn't it antiseptic?

• 44:36Dax Shepard?

  It sounds like a grenade went off in his underwear. I mean, that's what it feels like we're left with.

• 44:40Speaker 04

  And the whole time, he's just casually talking to me.

• 44:43Dax Shepard?

  He feels feeling a great mood. What a champ.

• 44:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm like, this is impressive. Okay. So wound care finally shows up. They come in and we are going in there and they're like, oh, this looks great. This is exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  This looks great.

• 44:56Dax Shepard?

  This is gorgeous.

• 44:59Speaker 04

  I'm caring for him over the next couple of days. And it's kind of the same stuff. He doesn't look great, like his hemoglobin's a little low. So he's a little pale and I'm like, hey, don't get up, don't get out of bed. So he's like stuck in bed with this wound. Tough spot to be in. He's kind of lonely. And so I tried to go in there when I have time and just like chit chat with him. I'm always asking patients, I'm like, oh, where'd you grow up? Are you from here? And he's like, well, I'm not from here. I lived in Arizona. And I'm like, where at? He tells me where he was at and where he's working and he worked on the same street I grew up on.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  What? That is so simple.

• 45:34Dax Shepard?

  I gotta say, because it keeps burbling into the top of my mind, which is, this also sounds very methy. People with these kinds of injuries, we learn generally meth is involved. Does it go weeks with this condition?

• 45:45Speaker 01

  Friend thought he overdosed.

• 45:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  What if the punchline was that you found out this was your real dad?

• 45:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  Tell us about a meat ugly with your biological dad prompt.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so he, he worked on your street.

• 46:07Speaker 04

  Yeah. And so I'm just talking to him about that. And we're like building rapport. And finally I ask, I'm like, so what were you doing about this? What was the situation at home where like this is staying on? And he's like, well, I was like going to work and then I come home and I try everything I can to get it off. And he's like, do you want to see a picture? And I'm like.

• 46:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 46:27Dax Shepard?

  I do, but I don't know if I'm allowed.

• 46:30Speaker 04

  And I was like, okay.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 46:34Dax Shepard?

  I would have said yes, too.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  I know, but are, yeah, this man is creeping me out a little bit.

• 46:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay, he sounds friendly, though.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Hmm, exactly. He just got his penis cut off and he's too happy.

• 46:45Dax Shepard?

  He's probably like, finally, this is over. God, I'll finally have some free time.

• 46:50Speaker 04

  Monica's definitely on the mind with a little bit creepy, but he shows me and it is just like a black little shrimp.

• 46:58Speaker 04

  Silver ring around it.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  A shrimp?

• 47:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fuck.

• 47:05Dax Shepard?

  So it was a metal ring. Well, I didn't know people were putting, that's a bad idea.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  That makes sense why he couldn't just like cut it off or something.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  This is like my second or third shift. I have some time to like look through notes and I'm looking through his notes and he had come in with a similar injury the previous month. And in the notes, it's like was left on for three days, couldn't get it off, so came to the hospital. And there's like very clear that like education was given to not do this again.

• 47:28Dax Shepard?

  He couldn't resist.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Ew, but then why do you wait this long this time?

• 47:34Dax Shepard?

  It's a good question. Maybe he felt like they really shamed him on that last trip. He's like, I can't go back and admit I did this a week later.

• 47:43Speaker 04

  Couple of weeks go by, I'm like working, but I don't have him as a patient. I know he's on the unit, but I don't really take care of him. And we're sitting in huddle and that's when we were just getting information about what's going on on the unit and like what patients to watch out for. And we hear the code alarm go off, everyone goes in and day shift and night shift are both there. In a code, there's already a lot of people, but this is like double the amount of people. So there's like 30 people in a tiny hospital room, all trying to do something. We all have roles assigned. And so I'm like standing in line to do compressions because he is unconscious. He had had some other like GI bleeding just from being in the hospital and just some other like complications with that. He'd been back and forth to the ICU a couple of times. Woke up, came back, sent him back to the ICU. And I thought that was going to be by time with him.

• 48:28Speaker 04

  A couple of days later, I come back to work and I'm getting report and I'm like, I know this patient very familiar. She's like, oh, he's going to go home today. And I'm like, oh, phenomenal.

• 48:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's wonderful.

• 48:41Speaker 04

  And so I'm like, well, does he have a ride home? I go in the room and I talk to him and I'm like, hey, I hear you're going home today. That's great. I'm so excited for you. Do you have a ride? It can take a couple of hours for us to get our stuff together. So just be patient. And he's like, oh yeah, I have a ride. It's my, my roommate, my friend. And I'm like preparing my teaching discharge education. I go to my preceptor who happens to be there and I'm like, hey, what would you educate on? Cause like the problem that he came in with is gone.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 49:07Speaker 04

  What do you want to teach about? And she's like, maybe let's talk about not putting things in your holes.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Cause that's the next step. That's where this is going. Now he has an extra hole.

• 49:16Speaker 04

  And she's like, make sure you explicitly say, do not put anything in your urethra.

• 49:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. It became the roommate's problem.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Oh, the roommate.

• 49:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I hope he's getting reduced rent.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  I hope the roommate is actually like a boyfriend or something. Cause if, if it's just a roommate and you have to live with that, they need to call in the bad roommate.

• 49:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to imagine if like Aaron went through this whole scenario, what my reaction would be.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you guys are best friends, not just roommates.

• 49:44Dax Shepard?

  But even as best friends, I think I'd be like, brother, what's happening?

• 49:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course. You'd, you'd inquire, but you probably still pick him up.

• 49:52Dax Shepard?

  Well, of course they'd pick him up, but I would just be like, what happened here?

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Let's talk.

• 49:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we have a cave now.

• 49:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 49:59Dax Shepard?

  And a testicle penis.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  Wow, that's wild. On your first day.

• 50:05Dax Shepard?

  Angel, what a harrowing first shift.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  That was quite the first shift.

• 50:10Dax Shepard?

  That was incredible.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  Yes. Thanks for sharing with us.

• 50:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and I'm so happy you're doing this.

• 50:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm so happy to be here. Can I give two shout outs?

• 50:16Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 50:18Speaker 04

  One to my mom. She is lovely and excellent and my favorite person. And one to my best friend, Kaya in Oregon. She's excellent and I hope she listens.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Kaya, we hope you listen.

• 50:30Dax Shepard?

  Tune in, Kaya, if you can hear us by passing a radio. Well, thank you so much for telling us all that.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, have a great day.

• 50:38Speaker 04

  Thank you, guys. I appreciate it.

• 50:39Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 50:42Speaker 06

  Hello.

• 50:43Dax Shepard?

  Hello. What should we call? Well, I know what I want to call you, Monica on three. One, two, three, Chris. Yes.

• 50:53Speaker 06

  Guys can call me whatever you want.

• 50:54Speaker 01

  Do you get that all the time?

• 50:57Speaker 06

  I have gotten that one as a doppelganger as well as, uh, Donald Gleason, the eldest Weasley brother.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 51:05Dax Shepard?

  The oldest Weasley brother. Monica, you would know better than me. Is that a match?

• 51:10Speaker 01

  I mean, I think it's more on the Chris Martin.

• 51:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Also, Chris Martin is such a sex symbol.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, he is.

• 51:17Dax Shepard?

  That's who you want to be told. I would love to be told that looks like Chris Martin.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 51:21Dax Shepard?

  Where are you, Chris?

• 51:22Speaker 06

  I'm in Oregon at the moment, but the story is in the inland Pacific Northwest.

• 51:26Dax Shepard?

  And are you a nurse?

• 51:27Speaker 06

  I am. I'm also a nurse practitioner. I kind of do both.

• 51:31Dax Shepard?

  What's the difference between those two?

• 51:33Speaker 06

  Nurse, you work at bedside. Nurse practitioner, I have prescriptive authority and I can see my own patients.

• 51:39Dax Shepard?

  More school, it sounds like.

• 51:40Speaker 06

  More school. I have a master's degree.

• 51:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. And how long have you been doing this?

• 51:43Speaker 06

  I've been a nurse for almost nine years now and a nurse practitioner for almost two.

• 51:49Dax Shepard?

  And are you still loving it?

• 51:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, it has its ups and downs. I think, uh, there's days like this story that test you. And then there's really fulfilling days where you know you made a difference in someone's life.

• 52:00Dax Shepard?

  I gotta say that's every day that you guys go to work, you make a difference.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 52:06Dax Shepard?

  You know how we feel about nurses. We're like, how could someone be so giving insufficiency of body fluids?

• 52:11Speaker 01

  It's incredible.

• 52:13Speaker 06

  You know, through a lot of therapy, I think the amount of nurses that have their own trauma. Some people kind of maybe turn towards drug addiction or substance abuse and then others turn into caretakers.

• 52:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think you're right, because I think there's a high arousal setting for most people in nursing.

• 52:29Speaker 06

  Definitely, and probably decreased amygdala response.

• 52:35Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a crazy story. We want to hear it.

• 52:37Speaker 06

  Honestly, when I emailed Emma, I was like, there's no way, there's no way they want to put this on the air. It's crazy.

• 52:42Speaker 01

  Oh, that makes us so excited.

• 52:44Dax Shepard?

  Well, just to tell you, Chris, we did just hear about someone that had two areas of necrotic flesh in their perineum. And it looked, the nurse said like honeycomb and in total, there were thousands of maggots. It filled up two liters. That one's on the program.

• 52:59Speaker 06

  Fournier's gangrene is what they call that. That's the rotting of the perineum.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 53:04Dax Shepard?

  That's a doozy.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  You're like, I've been there. God, you guys have all done all these cra- oh my God, it's wild.

• 53:12Speaker 06

  Okay, so this story takes place in the inland Pacific Northwest. And I had been at, working at this hospital for a couple of years and after you worked there a while, you get to rotate as a trauma nurse. So you have to have a certain level of tenure. And so that means like when the ambulance calls and something crazy happens in the field, you go down to the ER and you respond with an ICU doctor, ICU nurse, ER doctor, ER nurse and a trauma surgeon. And so sometimes when you're waiting, they get downgraded to partial traumas and then you just go back to the unit. But sometimes they can be crazy, but you get used to it after a while. Nothing really surprises you. This one did surprise me.

• 53:52Speaker 06

  So we were all waiting in the trauma room. It was the five of us. And we had massive transfusion blood set up. So like this thing called the Belmont, which just pushes blood into people. And then vasopressors, medications drawn up. We're all just waiting to see what comes through the double doors. And so dispatch comes up with an update. It says stab wound disembowelment.

• 54:15Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 54:16Speaker 06

  So then Amar calls in and gives us this story. An eighty seven year old woman called nine one one because her son who lived with her was in his mid fifties and had apparently stopped taking his psych meds. And she walked in the living room, found him sitting on the couch calmly, smoking a cigarette. And he had cut his abdomen from side to side, pulled out his intestines.

• 54:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 54:37Speaker 06

  Put them on the couch next to him.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  No. Oh, my God.

• 54:43Dax Shepard?

  Fuck, I haven't even seen that in a horror movie.

• 54:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, and he was conscious, smoking a cigarette.

• 54:49Dax Shepard?

  Real quick question, when you hear that there's a psych element to it, do you now have to bring on other additional people? Like psychiatrists who are going to help stabilize? I mean, I guess you can't stabilize someone mentally that quickly.

• 55:01Speaker 06

  So after they get admitted and stabilized, then you'll have inpatient psych come see them and deem whether they're a threat to themselves or others. But that doesn't happen immediately. At this point, we're just trying to do life saving measures and get them to the OR as quickly as possible. But yeah, oftentimes that will lead to restraints in the hospital and mixed thoughts about that. But you have to protect someone from being harmed themselves. So paramedics got him in the ambulance. He lost consciousness on the way to the hospital. And then when they wheeled him into the trauma bay, one of the paramedics handed me his intestines and his Ziploc bag.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  In a bag?

• 55:36Dax Shepard?

  Wait, they were now separate from his body?

• 55:38Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. He had like ripped them out.

• 55:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. I can't believe he hasn't blood to death.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  I know.

• 55:45Speaker 06

  It was close. We gave him, I think about six units of blood before he got to the OR. This paramedics were like, I don't know what the hell you're supposed to do with these.

• 55:52Dax Shepard?

  Make chitlins.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 55:56Speaker 06

  He got it to the OR. He got a colostomy. So like new plumbing, you know, pooping out of your stomach. And I went home. That was my Friday. And I was like, that was the craziest shift ever. I figured he would have been discharged or downgraded by the time that I got back to the hospital. He was not. And then that day, it was like, three days later, and I was floating as like helper nurse that day. And so you just kind of walk around the ICU and give people breaks and help turn patients or help where is needed. I was across the unit and I heard someone yell, help, please. And so I ran over there. And this guy had been in restraints. He broke his restraints. And he had grabbed both of his testicles and degloved them.

• 56:36Dax Shepard?

  Wait, wait, say that word again. Degloved them?

• 56:38Speaker 01

  He took off the skin?

• 56:40Speaker 06

  He pulled the insides out.

• 56:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 56:45Speaker 01

  Wait, I don't even really understand what that means. Hold on. He pulled the insides?

• 56:50Speaker 06

  So he pulled the testes themselves out of the scrotum.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 56:55Dax Shepard?

  Did he have to cut his own scrotum? Or are you going through the big incision that had been made for his bowel work?

• 56:59Speaker 06

  No, he just grabbed them with his bare hands and jerked.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 57:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh daddy.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  This, wow.

• 57:10Dax Shepard?

  This guy's good for two unbelievable stories in one person.

• 57:13Speaker 01

  He's just trying to take out everything.

• 57:15Dax Shepard?

  He needs it all. Everything must go.

• 57:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:18Dax Shepard?

  Spring cleaning.

• 57:20Speaker 06

  He was totally calm, right? Which is element of psychosis there. But I turned around, I grabbed some sandbags. We tried to pack, pressure the wound as best we can. But testicular wounds bleed rapidly. And unfortunately, this gentleman did not survive.

• 57:34Dax Shepard?

  They bleed out.

• 57:35Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 57:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:37Dax Shepard?

  I've heard if you get castrated, you bleed out like very quickly, like in minutes or something.

• 57:42Speaker 06

  Didn't they do a spit on that in Django or something?

• 57:46Dax Shepard?

  Oh, probably. Yeah, that seems like a Tarantino topic.

• 57:51Speaker 06

  But as a nurse, you see crazy things. I've had good stories and bad. But this is one of the experiences that really changed my perspective of how I see suicide. And I think that I used to see it as like a very selfish thing when I was a kid. I remember saying, it was like the most selfish thing somebody could do. But that was before I spent years in healthcare. Because what I saw on that day was not selfish. It was totally a mind at war with himself.

• 58:14Speaker 01

  That's really true.

• 58:15Dax Shepard?

  Chris, I had the exact same thought when you said that. I just thought, yes, some people really are not going to be in peace in any way. And it'll be such a misery to exist that, yeah, it's actually more humane in some situations.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  Reasoning behind it.

• 58:29Dax Shepard?

  I've heard a couple of people who have responded to public suicides and/or overdoses as I'm so glad they're out of their pain. And I think that's kind of a nice way to frame it.

• 58:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think that's the empathetic way to look at it as best we can. I can't know what was going inside this guy's head. Sometimes people are hallucinating. I don't know if that's what it was. Because on that second instance, he had already been restarted on a psych meds at that point. And patient psych had seen him. But it didn't look like panic. It was calm. And I felt like a rational decision to end his life. But that said, the illness had completely overwhelmed his brain and taken responsibility for his fear, his judgment, his self preservation.

• 59:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we have some acceptance over an organ failing through a disease and killing the person that we seem to accept that. But your brain can also fail you in the same way an organ can.

• 59:20Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think about this funny parts of the Ziploc bag. And it's a crazy party story for when I'm hanging out with other nurses or healthcare professionals. But I also think about like, how much I misunderstood before I joined this job. And so I think it's good for people to question what they once believed and look at things from another perspective.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  We agree.

• 59:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Oh, wow. Chris, that's a fucking, yeah, that's up there. That's up there. Does remind me of the helicopter ride with this, the, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:50Speaker 06

  I am sorry to make you guys ride. I can see you both.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  No, no, we love these.

• 59:56Dax Shepard?

  Weirdly, we love it. Yeah.

• 1:00:00Speaker 06

  Thank you to both of you for the space that you guys have created. You guys bring so many important things to the surface that people carry alone. Sometimes people don't want to hear them. And getting to say things like this and other crazy stories, it means a lot. And you create a great, safe space. And also, you talk about things like traumas. You know, for instance, this gentleman, the trauma that his mother went through sitting in the other room, she couldn't understand. And then how we maybe have different feelings about our parents and how complicated these stories can be. And as we change and evolve, how we can see more nuance and not blame people that go towards forgiveness and understanding. And you guys are absolutely incredible at that. And I thank you for doing what you do.

• 1:00:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, man, Chris, thank you. That's such a beautiful compliment. Yeah, thank you. Really appreciate it.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  Thank you for doing what you do.

• 1:00:50Dax Shepard?

  Yes. And congrats on looking like Chris Martin.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:54Speaker 01

  It's a big accomplishment.

• 1:00:54Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if enough people are patting you on the back for that. But it's, it's something to feel good about.

• 1:01:01Speaker 06

  We'll see. As we age, time may not be kind to us all. But it was really a pleasure.

• 1:01:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, right back at you. I'm so grateful that you're doing what you do.

• 1:01:10Speaker 06

  Thanks for having me, guys. And it was really an honor.

• 1:01:12Dax Shepard?

  Thanks so much.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  Have a good day.

• 1:01:14Dax Shepard?

  Take care. What a sweet soul.

• 1:01:16Speaker 01

  What in the world?

• 1:01:18Dax Shepard?

  He was so special, wasn't he?

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:01:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:21Speaker 01

  Chris Martin. Okay, really? When he popped on, I was like, oh my god, Chris Martin is calling in. I really, I really thought he was gonna, wow, that was.

• 1:01:32Dax Shepard?

  Nurses deliver. They deliver literally and figuratively.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:01:36Dax Shepard?

  They deliver babies. They deliver your meds.

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  We're grateful for them. Per usual.

• 1:01:42Dax Shepard?

  They deliver your intestines in a Ziploc bag at times.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Turns out.

• 1:01:46Dax Shepard?

  Turns out. All right, love you.

• 1:01:51Dax Shepard?

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions. And with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly a rhyme dish. On the fly a rhyme dish. Enjoy.