Armchair Anonymous: Jail

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a time they ended up in jail. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Randall Shepherd. I'm joined by Monica Lilly Padman.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Hi there.

• 0:07Dax Shepard?

  We are lucky that we three don't have a story about this topic. This is, tell us about a time you ended up in jail.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Knock on wood.

• 0:16Dax Shepard?

  I'm so glad I never been in jail. I can't believe I've never been in jail.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  You have time.

• 0:21Dax Shepard?

  All the people we talked to were nicer than me and they ended up in jail.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  It really was not fair.

• 0:26Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Please enjoy times you ended up in jail. We get support from Quince.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts and Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.

• 0:52Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold and Italian leather, full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 1:08Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60. Down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 1:19Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California and I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 1:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 1:54Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  What?

• 2:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay. I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the grill master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand-topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern. So every single bite gets cheese and two pickles side by side. So you're never in a pickle desert.

• 3:10Dax Shepard?

  Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Me too. That's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.

• 3:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. The love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back. I'm sitting.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  I'm not surprised.

• 3:34Dax Shepard?

  The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery.

• 4:11Dax Shepard?

  He's dapper as hell if that's him.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Could be a magician.

• 4:15Dax Shepard?

  Could you hear us?

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Yes, and I appreciate that. I'm not wearing the same outfit.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, sad.

• 4:22Dax Shepard?

  Is that photo of you, you?

• 4:24Speaker 02

  Those are some new headshots.

• 4:26Dax Shepard?

  You're not a magician by chance, are you, Monica?

• 4:29Speaker 02

  No, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm not. But hey, real quick, let me address the elephant in the room. Last week I had an earache and then of course that goes crazy and it's migrated. And then here we got a little bit of this.

• 4:40Dax Shepard?

  Palsy?

• 4:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. How'd you know? They said it was super common.

• 4:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Bell's palsy. I've had a couple of friends get Bell's palsy. Is that what they said it was?

• 4:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. Not only is it that, but I was in the ER on Friday and I'm hanging out waiting for the doc and that's when I get the email. Hey, welcome to the show. We're gonna have you on.

• 4:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, Jordan, you're in great company because I often do the show with 65 scabs all over my face from my Hive for Kater 2000. So we let it rip here.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're fine.

• 5:08Dax Shepard?

  Jordan, where are you in the country?

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Beautiful, one-time beautiful Austin, Texas.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Oh, we love it there.

• 5:14Dax Shepard?

  We sure do. And why do you have a sound booth?

• 5:16Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm a professional, it's the he's F's.

• 5:20Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  Professional. This is why I'm not working. I told my agents. I'm like, I'm not working. I'm a voice and on-camera actor.

• 5:27Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 5:28Speaker 02

  I have been in a film or two with Ben Affleck.

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Oh shit, he's my number one.

• 5:32Dax Shepard?

  But he never had palsy, so.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  I was hoping y'all would interview him when he did the movie Hypnotic and somebody would bring up the armored guard, but.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Oh, well, that's on him, not on us.

• 5:42Dax Shepard?

  If we ever talk to him, we'll circle armored guard.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  We would love to have him.

• 5:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay. So you have a going to jail story.

• 5:47Speaker 02

  So yeah, I grew up here in Austin and this took place early to mid 90s, I want to say. I was just going to college and my best friend at the time, we'll call him Jimmy Gregg, that's close enough to his real name so he can take credit. And his girlfriend, Leanne, the three of us were like all best friends. And the next day he was leaving for the Navy. So it was a big night.

• 6:08Dax Shepard?

  A send-off.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, for both of us. Cause I'd never been to college before and couldn't even believe I'd made it.

• 6:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  We kind of had a little bit of a punk streak to us, you know, Misfits and all that kind of stuff, Combats. And you know, we were that kind of crowd. So we're out in Austin and we decided to go off, like you said, the big send-off. We went out with the intent of just going to town, just destroying the world. So we hit Sixth Street. Again, a street would wreck then was much smaller and you know, we grew up on Sixth Street. So we hit all the bars and that's just what you did. You didn't call your friends. Where are you going to be tonight? You just, what night is it? Wednesday? Oh, that's going to be Acropolis or it's Sanitarium or whatever.

• 6:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 6:42Speaker 02

  So we all go out, everybody's freaking out. You guys are leaving in college and Japan and the Navy and all that. So it was a big night. And we danced our little hearts out and it was great.

• 6:50Dax Shepard?

  Any drugs involved or just drinking?

• 6:52Speaker 02

  No, not so much. Definitely in the scene, but you know, he had to go to the Navy.

• 6:57Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  At some point, the music stops, the dancing stops because in Austin, two o'clock's last call. But we were nowhere near done, of course. So the three of us go out and somehow we get some Everclear and some Gatorade, which is an old skater trick. We used to skate half pipes. That's what you would do when you had no money. So we got that. One of us is like, dude, to the rooftops. So we literally started Batman-ing the night. We go up in all the buildings. And again, Austin's different in the 90s than it is today. It's 30% of the size it is now.

• 7:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  So you get away from Sixth Street, the whole town is just dead. And this is probably a Tuesday or Wednesday night. So we had the whole city. And we're literally running around rooftops and I don't spend a lot of time on rooftops at two in the morning. And it was very interesting. There's paint cans and tar buckets. Some of the views were unbelievable.

• 7:45Dax Shepard?

  Thrilling.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  So as we're running around the rooftops and stuff, a couple of weird things happened. The first weird one, we go up some fire escape on a building we knew well, but never been to the top of it. And you know, I look over and this is just one of the weird things. There's some like sliding glass doors, but it's not like in a wall. Like if an elevator shaft were to extend up onto the roof and one of them is a sliding glass door. So my buddy kind of opens it and it's unlocked. And so, you know, he goes over and sticks his head in. He's like, oh my gosh. And we're like, what is it? An office building? And he's like, no, it's some dude's game room.

• 8:17Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, okay. You're on a residential rooftop.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  I guess, yeah. Again, this is all new to me. So we run in and he's got a refrigerator. We don't want to, we're like, okay, let's not get crazy. But there was a couple of beers in there. It was a game room, you know? So we're kind of wrapping up and we decide, you know, we got time for an energy and our eyes are just open enough for maybe one more fire escape, one more rooftop. We get up to the top of this one. It's pretty nice. This one's not beat up and run down. This one's swanky. It's got like a catwalk and stuff. And there's this giant air conditioning units, you know, those 70,000, they're the size of trucks.

• 8:52Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  And so we're running around and we're flipping switches and it's like, you know, I'm like, this can't be good. But that's what you're looking for is, you know, stupid adventures like that. And there's a skylight. The roof is that rubbery textured stuff. And I fall over and I hit the skylight, you know, and bounce off. And my buddy who's about to go, you know, Navy and all that, we're punks. And he's like, starts talking shit to the skylight. So of course the three of us start beating up the skylight.

• 9:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Okay. You've gone rogue. You've gone chimp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Full chimp mode.

• 9:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, we've crossed every line you could think of. We're attacking skylights. Anyway, I get up and we've actually done a little damage. And one of us might've kicked it and it might've shattered.

• 9:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  I remember at the time thinking, yeah, I thought those would be a lot tougher. We get a lot of hail here in Texas. So it shatters and I fall through it.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Oh, oh boy.

• 9:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh boy.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  I caught myself in the corner of it and I don't know how. I mean, I like fell towards the corner of this rectangular skylight and turned. And I just caught myself and they were dying laughing and I'm like laughing. And I looked down and I'm like, I think I can see desktops and like copy machine, like an office.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Jimmy Gregg says, we gotta wrap it up. He's a bigger dude. And so he just reaches down and just kind of grabs my jacket and my shirt and just yanks me out. And he's like, no, let's get the fuck out of here. The sun's coming up. So we're all staggering down the catwalk and we go down to the very bottom and the sun is barely starting to come up. And we're just like, I love you, man. Gonna miss you and Leanne, love you too. And clearly the night's over. That's when we hear it, you know? Freeze! Hands up! The whole night goes. So we all, it's not the first time that's happened to us, but we're just like, keep walking. All right. And then of course we're like, one, two. Three and we take off.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  Oh, that's bad advice.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  Oh, it gets worse.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Oh, great.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  And as we're taking off, I look over my left shoulder and he's got his gun drawn and he's, he's ready to shoot. So we're running, we're running and it's just one cop. So of course we know, you know, we gotta go our separate ways, just split. We'll meet back at the car. I pulled down this one alley off, not too far from where it was. And I throw my hat in the trash. I had an over shirt on. I untucked my undershirt. I had my jeans sucked into my combat boots. I had a padlock dock chain necklace. I did all that, threw it all away. Anything I could do to change up my appearance. And then I run and I hide behind a dumpster, just hoping that he'll fly by me. And I didn't even know if the cop was gonna come after me, Jimmy or Leanne, because he couldn't go after all of us. Well, it was me and I'm tucked away hiding and he immediately

• 11:27Speaker 02

  runs up and he pulls his gun out right behind me and he's got me up against the wall and he starts yelling at me. He's like, where have you been? You know, what have you been doing? And I'm like crying, panicked, freaking out. Then it hits me. I turn around, my hands up and I'm like, dude, there are these three fucking punks that just went running around. They're fucking with me. The two of the dudes started beating me up and stuff.

• 11:48Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. Wow.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Full life. Okay.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, 100%. And I'm like, I'm just trying to get back home, man. I don't know what's going on. I mean, they roughed me up pretty bad and I had my shirt untucked and I'd been partying on. I look pretty roughed up. And so then he's staring at me for a second. He's got his gun drawn and then at the last second, he puts his gun away and he's like, all right, yeah, we're looking for their asses too. Are you okay? And I'm like, huh, yeah, I think so. So I take off running. I go around the corner and I'm just skipping and I'm like, this is gonna make this already crazy story even that much more exciting. I couldn't wait to tell them when I get back to the car, what just happened.

• 12:24Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  So I get back to the car. I'm euphoric that it worked. They're not there yet, but it is what it is. But of course I have to pee, beer, Everclear, whatever. I go around the corner to pee in the bushes real quick. And as I come back, cop car, everything, they're all standing there and one of the cops has got his hand in his gun and he knows my name and everything and they just cuff me up, throws me in the back of the cop car. Leanne's already in the back of the cop car.

• 12:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay, she sang like a bird.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Well, he threw them under the bus.

• 12:51Dax Shepard?

  Well, but he didn't give any names.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 12:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  And she says that Jimmy and I saw you get busted and we were up in a parking garage. They were fine.

• 12:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  They were like, we came down because we didn't want you to have to go through this by yourself.

• 13:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, so sweet.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  Kind. That's kind.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  That's what I said. We all get booked and we get locked up separately. Jimmy had a really, really wealthy stepfather who is very excited about him leaving for the Navy the next day. So there was no way that guy was not gonna bring in the top attorneys and get his kid out of there, stepkid. So I never saw him again. I mean,

• 13:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he was successful at getting out.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  He got out.

• 13:31Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  He got out the next day. And so I never got a chance to say goodbye or anything like that. Years later, of course, we did, but that night, no. And then there's Leanne, because they walked her past me too. And I'm like, you're making it out? And she's like, yeah. Her old man, she also came from some old money. I think he's a scientist and motorola or something. So he sprung her pretty quick and I was happy that two of the three of us were out. And then there I am, kinda hanging out and a lot more time goes by. And I'm like, what, why is mine? Guard, you know, we don't know. So I found out later on that the skylight that basically, I took the credit. It turns out that that skylight wasn't over an office building. It was over a six-story atrium of a bank.

• 14:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. So not only did they try to pin attempted bank robbery on us.

• 14:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:26Speaker 02

  But if I would have let go, I would have fallen to my death for sure.

• 14:30Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  So old Jimmy Gregg saved my life that day.

• 14:35Dax Shepard?

  Wow. And what'd you end up getting? Did they charge you with anything at the end of the day?

• 14:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was the end of summer because I was getting ready to go to school. All that summer, I had gotten a job because my father wanted to teach me about mutual fund investments. And so he's like, spend this summer, raise some money. And I'd raised a couple thousand dollars. He's like, we'll invest it while you're in college and then you can do whatever you want, you know, as a graduation present. And I was saving up and investing to get myself a Harley for when I graduated. Well, that night, obviously, all that money was cashed out, given to my parents and I still owed them like 700 bucks, but miraculously, and I was still 17, I think, all charges were dropped. I just had to replace the skylight, which those are a lot cheaper than you'd think.

• 15:20Dax Shepard?

  Well, you got lucky.

• 15:21Speaker 01

  Very.

• 15:22Dax Shepard?

  And you didn't have to replace the two beers either. They didn't come after you for the two beers.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  That's funny because when I got this confirmed with you guys, I was writing my notes down and I was like, now we have Google Earth. So I went and tried to find it. It's still there. That weird sliding glass window thing?

• 15:41Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  One of these days I might go in the building and be like, what is all this?

• 15:44Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Go check it out.

• 15:46Dax Shepard?

  Like this coming through the front door for once. Well, Jordan, be well. I wish you a speedy recovery.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 15:51Dax Shepard?

  And you actually made our day by having this condition. It'll be very memorable.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Remember, if anybody listening gets, what's it called again?

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Palsy.

• 16:00Dax Shepard?

  Bell's palsy.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  Bell's palsy. It's only temporary. Hang in there.

• 16:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Yep. You're gonna be just fine.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  Thanks, guys.

• 16:07Dax Shepard?

  Great meeting you. Take care.

• 16:15Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefit software built for small businesses. It's all-in-one, remote-friendly and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up,

• 16:58Dax Shepard?

  you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026 and trusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax. We get support from NoBull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  That's when you really need to ground yourself.

• 17:40Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole NoBull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid and I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 18:11Dax Shepard?

  Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility and boy, do they deliver.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.

• 18:22Dax Shepard?

  And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.

• 18:29Speaker 01

  They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.

• 18:39Dax Shepard?

  Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobullproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything? Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 19:00Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It took me like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently.

• 19:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 19:34Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  It was a mess. I need a new one.

• 19:37Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic. The experts agree.

• 19:59Dax Shepard?

  Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. helixsleep.com/armchair. We are supported by Squarespace. So here's something I think about a lot. Most people I talk to on this show, the ones doing really interesting things, they all had a version of their work that existed before anyone else saw it. It was just theirs, notes, ideas, projects they were tinkering with. And then at some point, they made the decision to share it. That's the part that's scary, right? Going from, I'm working on something to, here's what I made. Rob went through the exact same thing, building our site on Squarespace. And

• 20:43Dax Shepard?

  what made it doable was that he didn't have to become a web developer overnight. He just had to show up with the idea. Squarespace handles the rest. Beautiful templates that actually look like you hired someone, built in SEO so people can find you, email campaigns, scheduling analytics, all under one roof. No code, no patchwork of random tools. And honestly, the thing I keep coming back to is how low the barrier is. If you've got something you've been building quietly and you're ready for people to see it, Squarespace makes that leap feel a lot less traumatic. Head to squarespace.com/dax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 21:33Dax Shepard?

  Can you hear us?

• 21:34Speaker 03

  I can hear you guys. Can you hear me?

• 21:36Dax Shepard?

  We can hear you, but we can't see you.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Oh, there you are.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, I'm here.

• 21:43Dax Shepard?

  What a shame it would have been not to see you.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 21:46Dax Shepard?

  You're so cute.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  Look who's talking.

• 21:50Dax Shepard?

  Listen, it's a shame we can't use your real name because it's a very cool name.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  We're not going to though.

• 21:55Dax Shepard?

  Monica, isn't that a great name?

• 21:56Speaker 01

  It's a very good name. Yeah.

• 21:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Okay. So what fake name would you like?

• 22:00Speaker 03

  Please choose for me.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 22:02Dax Shepard?

  Okay. I'm gonna go with Brandon.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  I was gonna say.

• 22:06Dax Shepard?

  Alex.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Nope. Although Alex, I was gonna say Chris. So we're going with Chris.

• 22:11Dax Shepard?

  Chris, where are you?

• 22:13Speaker 03

  I am in the Southwest. I'll keep it a little vague.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 22:16Dax Shepard?

  Sure, as you should.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  I mean, these are jail stories. We should accept the anonymity.

• 22:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Not everyone's dying to get those stories out.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh, look at his shirt.

• 22:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yes. You have a cute shirt on.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  You have an armchair shirt.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  I'm wearing the swag. I couldn't get into a closet, so I had to show up with some merch.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Oh, it looks so good.

• 22:37Dax Shepard?

  Well, we want to come find you in the Southwest. You're so cute and you're in merch. Okay, Chris, you had a jail experience. And for the listener, like on first glance, judge a book by its cover, not what I'm expecting, right?

• 22:50Speaker 01

  I would agree.

• 22:51Dax Shepard?

  He looks clean cut and responsible.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  So you just never know who's gonna end up in that jail.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  It can happen to any of us. Mine takes place in New York City, July 2018. I am a fresh college grad, just graduated that May. And I am going out in Manhattan with my three best friends.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  Dreaming.

• 23:14Dax Shepard?

  Well, did you go to college there or you've gone there on a trip?

• 23:17Speaker 03

  I went to college on the East Coast and my job is in the city. All of our jobs are in the city. So we've moved into apartments now and we're starting our life in New York.

• 23:28Dax Shepard?

  How fun.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  I love this.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  We're 21, 22, and as any 21 or 22 year olds would do in New York, we go to the Lower East Side to all of the staple bars where 22 to 25 year olds drink, which is Hair of the Dog, pianos. But we end up at Mr. Purple. And if you don't know, Mr. Purple is a rooftop bar. It's on the 14th story of a beautiful Lower East Side building. And it's got great views of the North and South Side of Manhattan.

• 23:59Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, sign me up. Monica was just there.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  I was, I was just there. I didn't know about Mr. Purple's.

• 24:03Dax Shepard?

  You gotta get over to Mr. Purple's, although it sounds a little young, like a younger crowd.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  I can't go.

• 24:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  No, it's not your vibe.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  We're having a great time. Three of us are. And I see my fourth buddy, we're gonna call him Patrick. He's in the corner behind the outdoor bar. So the bartenders can't see him. The bouncers can't see him. It's pretty secluded. I make eyes with him though, and I bring over four beers, two Coors Lights for me, two Coors Lights for him. I ask him what's going on and he's upset about a girl that he likes that doesn't like him.

• 24:36Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  And they're married now, so.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:40Dax Shepard?

  Good job, Patrick.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  But he hammers the first beer, like in record time, and he takes the bottle and he winds up and he throws it across the street. The block is about 30 yards, I'd say. But the building across from us is probably nine stories. And so the bottle lands safely on the building across from us, shatters.

• 25:02Dax Shepard?

  What a blessing.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  Out of solidarity, I obviously had to do the same thing.

• 25:07Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  Round up, landed successfully. All is good.

• 25:11Dax Shepard?

  Hey, listen, had I not been kicked out of the Milford Plaza Hotel at 10 years old for throwing shit out the window, I would be judgmental, but I'm not in a place to judge.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Everyone was drinking, but it is so dangerous.

• 25:22Dax Shepard?

  Very dangerous.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  We can judge. We can judge.

• 25:27Speaker 03

  I've told this story many times and I've omitted the fact that I also threw that bottle.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  Oh, good for you.

• 25:32Dax Shepard?

  Well, good. We're not judging you.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  We applaud your honesty.

• 25:35Speaker 03

  I judge myself. So Patrick hammers the second beer. And he winds up to do the same thing, but he slips.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  And the bottle goes straight 14 stories down towards a busy block in Manhattan.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 25:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh, oh, boy. Oh, boy.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  It lands about five feet from the bouncer at the bar across the street. We're looking down at this guy. We're 14 stories away, but in my memory, it's like I could see his face. And he can't ID us, but he sprints across the street right to Mr. Purple.

• 26:10Dax Shepard?

  He asks for Mr. Purple.

• 26:12Speaker 01

  I need to speak to Mr. Purple immediately.

• 26:14Dax Shepard?

  Not Mrs. Purple. I need Mr. Purple right now.

• 26:17Speaker 03

  I look at Patrick. I'm like, it's time to mobilize. We find our two other friends within like a minute. But by the time we were heading towards the door, the bouncer is waiting for us. The biggest bouncer I've ever seen. And he's grabbing Patrick by the collar. And now he is escorting us to the sidewalk. When we get down there, it's him, it's the bouncer from across the street. And then there's two undercover cops that showed up. They're all really cops that are off duty or on duty in the bouncer scene in this area. And they're huddled and they're talking about what to do with Patrick. I'm not in trouble for some reason, but Patrick is because he threw a bottle at another bouncer. And while they're huddled, I hit Patrick on the side of the arm. I look at my other two friends and I say, on three, we're gonna make a run for it.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Guys, why are you guys always doing this?

• 27:02Dax Shepard?

  Again, I can't judge. I've done some running.

• 27:04Speaker 01

  Guys, no. And this is Anthony too, running from, why do people run?

• 27:10Dax Shepard?

  Well, you gotta get out of there. You're in denial. If I just vanished, this didn't happen.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Okay.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  They all nod their heads and I say, one, two, three, and we disperse. And at the end of the block, I get to the end of the block, I look back and all of us are dispersed except for Patrick. He's so hammered that he really hasn't moved a muscle. He's just standing in place. He's really upset about the girl.

• 27:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's still dealing with that. Kind of wants to be in jail to suffer, maybe. Yeah.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  So I start walking back. I'm not gonna abandon Patrick. While I'm walking back, one of the undercover cops just tackles me to the ground. I hit the pavement pretty hard and then he rips me up by, I had a beautiful blue polo that I loved and just ripped it in half, ripped off my body, basically.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 28:02Speaker 03

  Took me by my hands and started escorting me back to where Patrick is. He takes one look at Patrick when we get there and he says, let that one go. We're taking this one. And he throws me in the back of his car.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 28:15Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Do you think he just liked your shirtless body? Like, he wanted to see you shirtless? So it's like, oh yeah, I like this one.

• 28:22Dax Shepard?

  Well, let's rip his off too and then send him on his way.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  We'll decide.

• 28:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 28:26Speaker 03

  So now we are in an undercover cop car and we're on our way to what I find out is a booking unit. It's a single cell and they take my phone, my wallet, my keys, my inhaler. Those are the four things I always have on me. They throw me in the cell. I'm alone, just kind of in my own thoughts, thinking about how I just jeopardized my career. I'm like doing pushups intermittently for some reason.

• 28:50Speaker 01

  You've seen that on TV.

• 28:51Dax Shepard?

  Are you shirtless at this point?

• 28:53Speaker 03

  I'm shirtless. They take my mugshot. 30 minutes go by and two new cops, actually uniformed, come and they're like, hey, we're going to escort you to a new facility, the Manhattan Criminal Court. And that's where you'll spend the night. So they put me in their car. I'm handcuffed again in the back of their vehicle.

• 29:10Dax Shepard?

  I'm so sorry to beat a dead horse, but have they given you a shirt?

• 29:13Speaker 03

  No shirt.

• 29:14Dax Shepard?

  Dumping you into gen pop is dangerous, but continue.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  They throw me in the back. We're pulling out of the parking lot and onto what I could only imagine is like the East Side Highway of New York and Lower Manhattan. And we hear this dum, dum. And we look behind us and something falls off the back of the car. And the cops pull over to the side of the road and they get out and start picking up something. I'm like in my handcuffs, looking back and forth. I can't really see them. And they come back with my phone, my wallet, my keys. My phone is shattered.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 29:48Speaker 03

  My keys are fine, but my inhaler, I have asthma, has been run over.

• 29:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no.

• 29:54Speaker 03

  And it's now unusable.

• 29:55Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 29:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, does that give you an immediate asthma attack, just knowing you don't have it? I feel like that would.

• 30:00Speaker 03

  The anxiety of it, yeah, it does inspire me, but I'm fine at this point. But they ask, do you need an inhaler? And I say, yes. I don't know where we're going, but if anybody has a cat or a dog, I'm gonna be in bad shape. So they drive. Now we're deviating towards a hospital. We go into the back of a Manhattan hospital where there's a bunch of other detainees or inmates. Everybody's chained to some sort of apparatus, these like bars on hospital walls. There's no folks that aren't in trouble in this section. Yes. They get my inhaler. They throw me back in their car. And they're kind of huddled up, just chatting amongst themselves, I think, talking about how they're gonna tell this story

• 30:44Speaker 03

  to their boss about the deviation that we had to take. And they come to open the door and it's locked on the passenger side. And then they come around to the driver's side and it's locked. And they've locked themselves out of the cop car.

• 30:59Dax Shepard?

  And you're in the back.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  And I'm in the back.

• 31:01Dax Shepard?

  This is a real Keystone Cop situation. These guys are bumbling.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  Do not know what they're doing.

• 31:06Dax Shepard?

  It's a bunch of rookies or something.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  So I'm handcuffed and a light bulb goes off. I see my moment to get out of this whole thing. I am like, if I can unlock this car and get these guys out of trouble, I am like so free. And so I am handcuffed. I take my shoe off with my other foot. Between me and the front seat, there's plexiglass and a little square opening.

• 31:30Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  I maneuver my body to get my right leg through that opening.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 31:36Speaker 03

  And with my big toe, I'm able to reach and flip the lock of the door.

• 31:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh my gosh, you're like a trained gymnast or something.

• 31:43Speaker 03

  Not at all.

• 31:46Speaker 03

  The will of the moment. The cops get in, they're ecstatic. I'm like, all right, fellas, let's lose the handcuffs.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you did. You started went into sales mode.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  Right. Let's get on a first name basis here. That didn't work.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 32:00Dax Shepard?

  Was it Glenn? No. I don't know where you got that name. It's Sergeant Riley.

• 32:06Speaker 03

  So we carry on. They take me to the next location, which is the Manhattan Criminal Court. Below the court is something that's called the Toons. It's where all of the cellmates inmates for the evening reside as they wait for the judge to show up in the morning. And it's really early still, probably like 10:30. I'm the fifth person there. I am still shirtless. They never shirted me up and it's very cold, it's about 47 degrees so that nothing grows, no bacteria. We have three guys who were pulled over for the intent to sell prescription drugs, who decided to take as many as they could before they got arrested to try to reduce their sentencing. Oh my god.

• 32:49Dax Shepard?

  They're falling out.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  There's an older gentleman who is like a pro. Every cop knows his name. He's clearly been in there like every weekend for the past 10 years.

• 33:06Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate and be cozy.

• 33:42Dax Shepard?

  It's so great how Skims has sets for everyone too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.

• 33:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay, tell me more.

• 34:00Speaker 01

  It is so comfortable, very chic too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multi-purpose this and look super cute.

• 34:11Dax Shepard?

  Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select Armchair Expert in the drop down menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

• 34:40Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff, but there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends. Docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open, not another thing to set up. Superhuman Go, from the makers of Grammarly, is different. It's already right there. Inside your email, your docs, your browser. You don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it, and it pulls the key points. About to send something important? It flags what doesn't

• 35:23Dax Shepard?

  add up before it leaves your hands. It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed. At your service, not after your job. So do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go, from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays, who we're supposed to see, what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.

• 36:23Dax Shepard?

  This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I haven't canceled, canceled, canceled. But then I-

• 36:50Dax Shepard?

  You start feeling it.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my god, I'm just, thank god, thank god for her. Yeah.

• 36:58Dax Shepard?

  BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans, with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash dax.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  So it's us five to start, and I'm thinking this isn't so bad. The guys that took the prescription drugs are starting to feel it. They're peeing all over the place, kind of passing out. The old guy pulls out some weed from his coat pocket.

• 37:48Dax Shepard?

  Get out of here. Wow.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  The three guys take that from him forcefully, pretty quickly. They smash out the light above us and they start trying to smoke it. It's not coming to fruition in any form or fashion, but that was the start. And I thought, this isn't going to be so bad, but soon realized that more folks were coming in. And in about two hours, we had about 200 guys down there.

• 38:12Dax Shepard?

  Oh lord. Wow. So it's just a revolving door of bozos coming in.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  It's a revolving door that goes one way. Nobody's going out. I am shirtless. I quickly pick up the name Ken Doll. Then a few events transpired throughout the evening. I was okay for the most part. Dax, I think you'd appreciate this. One of the rambunctious cellmates of mine kept trying to fight one of the correctional officers. It was really letting him have it. And the correctional officer at one point, I thought this was kind of a Dax move, took off his gun, put it down, opened the cell door and said, if you want it so bad, come and get it.

• 38:53Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's party, yeah. It's party time.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  The guy just put his head down and he sat down.

• 38:57Dax Shepard?

  Perfect.

• 38:57Speaker 03

  And the other things that happened were, they handed out food, which I didn't get. Everybody just started taking advantage of me right away. But they took my sandwich and my apple.

• 39:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, now Monica wants to protect you.

• 39:12Dax Shepard?

  Still shirtless. I hope you keep remembering he's shirtless, though.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  You, I know, will not let us forget.

• 39:18Dax Shepard?

  Keep remembering.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  But wow, that's just unfair. You didn't even do anything. Well, you did run. I wish you hadn't done that.

• 39:23Dax Shepard?

  Well.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  So they take the sandwich, they use it as a pillow. The apple is actually kind of innovative. They used it to pass quarters back and forth between the cells. You stick the quarters in the apple and you can send like 15 from one cell to the next so that other guys can make calls.

• 39:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 39:42Speaker 03

  You can also get your credit card, though, to make calls. So I asked for mine, which was apprehended from me quickly by another cellmate. And about 20 guys used my credit card to make calls. I waited in line.

• 39:54Dax Shepard?

  You got bullied. You got bullied.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  By the time that I did get to the phone, I remembered three numbers. My mom and my dad and my ex-girlfriend. So I called them in that order. My mom and my dad did not answer. My ex-girlfriend did. She took a collect call from New York State. And I pleaded with her to just get in touch with my family, to I don't know even what to do, try to get me out of this. And because she's an angel, she did that. And I got in touch with my uncle later that night because of the calls that she made. The next day, they chain-gained us up to the judge. I was the first in, or one of the first five. I was the last out.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  And he sentenced me to six months probation, non-reporting. And I didn't break it, so it's all off my record.

• 40:44Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 40:44Dax Shepard?

  You just had to plead guilty in that moment? Is that what you had to do?

• 40:48Speaker 03

  They give you a lawyer about five minutes before you see the judge.

• 40:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 40:52Speaker 01

  Are you shirtless when you're in front of the judge?

• 40:55Speaker 03

  They gave me a shirt.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Thank god. Dignity.

• 40:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it would piss me off. It's like, you had this shirt the whole time and you had to wait till I saw the judge. Just six months probation and no record.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Six months probation, no record.

• 41:07Dax Shepard?

  What did your buddy buy you to thank you for taking the fucking rap for him?

• 41:13Speaker 03

  He was at home, in bed, kind of curled up in a ball.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  Thinking about his girlfriend.

• 41:18Dax Shepard?

  Because nothing could take his mind off of that girl.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  The funniest part, or maybe the most cosmetic, is that girlfriend that I called, who was an ex. We rekindled the after and we've now been married a year.

• 41:35Dax Shepard?

  Everyone got what they wanted. I got jail, you got me cute.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  This is lovely. I could tell by the way you were talking about her, she's still around.

• 41:44Dax Shepard?

  You could.

• 41:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, that angel.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Great to meet you.

• 41:47Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Great job, Chris.

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Thanks for letting me tell my story.

• 41:51Dax Shepard?

  Yes. It was a pleasure. Take care.

• 41:53Speaker 01

  Bye. I love it when men wear our shirts. Men, wear our shirts. Wear our shirts.

• 42:01Dax Shepard?

  Wear our shirts.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  Can't find our shirts.

• 42:04Dax Shepard?

  It's got ripped.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Wow.

• 42:08Dax Shepard?

  Kept him shirtless. That was a real dangerous move.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, they shouldn't have done. They should not. And people were sleeping on his sandwich. They made it a pillow.

• 42:15Dax Shepard?

  That feels like a real fuck you, because it's not like that's really helping now.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  They didn't even eat it.

• 42:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's not really cushioning your head. A New York City jail sandwich. I bet it was a piece of cheese. Cheese sandwich.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  I'm sure it was. Hello?

• 42:28Dax Shepard?

  Hello, can you hear us?

• 42:29Speaker 04

  Can, hello?

• 42:30Dax Shepard?

  How are you? Is this Erica?

• 42:32Speaker 04

  This is, yeah.

• 42:33Dax Shepard?

  Where are you?

• 42:34Speaker 04

  I'm in Denver.

• 42:35Dax Shepard?

  Okay. And are you from Denver or did you relocate there?

• 42:39Speaker 04

  Originally, I'm from Oregon.

• 42:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 42:42Speaker 04

  Moved to Denver in first grade, so I guess I'm kind of from here.

• 42:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, first grade. That's quick in.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 42:48Dax Shepard?

  And was that what year you got arrested, first grade?

• 42:54Speaker 04

  No, I was 21.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  Oh, good age for that.

• 42:58Dax Shepard?

  Perfect age. Tell us all about it.

• 43:00Speaker 04

  Okay, so I just want to preface this with the fact that I'm a sober alcoholic.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Congratulations.

• 43:06Speaker 04

  Thank you. On November 29th, it'll be 16 years.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Yes, girl.

• 43:11Dax Shepard?

  Get it, girl.

• 43:11Speaker 01

  Good job.

• 43:12Speaker 04

  Yeah. On the day this happened, I had been drinking an excessive amount. When I say excessive, I probably had a pint of Bacardi a six pack of beer and two Red Bull vodkas.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 43:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, that's a good, that's a good base.

• 43:27Speaker 01

  That's a fair amount.

• 43:29Speaker 04

  It was a lot.

• 43:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and you're 21.

• 43:31Speaker 04

  And it was the 4th of July.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, we're asking for it.

• 43:35Speaker 04

  So some of my sorority sisters and I were living in an off campus house at our school because we were all up there working for the summer. And during this day, we had been to the pool. I mean, we had done undergrad activity. That night, we decided it would be a really good time to shoot mortars off.

• 43:51Dax Shepard?

  The firework type of mortars?

• 43:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, we had driven to Wyoming to get fireworks because they're not illegal there.

• 43:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they have the good stuff there.

• 43:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, so we had a bunch of mortars. We were lighting them up and I'm sure this attracted police attention to our area. So it was about 2, 3 in the morning. Myself and five of my friends decided we were all going to light off Roman candles at the same time.

• 44:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay, yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 04

  We all get together, put our wicks in the center, flick the lighter, and mine is the only one that lit.

• 44:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and it's pointed directly at your friend because you've put them in a circle?

• 44:28Speaker 04

  Well, correct.

• 44:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 44:31Speaker 04

  So everyone bailed out of the circle.

• 44:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 44:34Speaker 04

  And I'm like, firing fireworks off everywhere. The end of the alley, there's a side street. It was one of the main side streets in our town and Fort Collins, Colorado, by the way, is where I was. So we did CSU. So our alleyway backed up to this main side street and I was shooting it down into the street, this Roman candle. And a police car slowly rolls by and one of the projectiles tinks up the driver's side window.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 45:03Dax Shepard?

  That could put you into like felony territory.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, we just escalated.

• 45:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yes.

• 45:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, so all of a sudden, there are five police officers surrounding me. I have no idea where they came from. Like I said, I think we were attracting police attention because we were being idiots and blowing mortars off around like really old wooden buildings too.

• 45:24Dax Shepard?

  In a dry climate, yeah.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 45:26Speaker 04

  And fireworks completely illegal. I think the only thing you could do that year were sparklers because it was so dry and the fire.

• 45:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 04

  The danger was so high.

• 45:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 45:34Speaker 04

  The little projectile out of the Roman candle tinks off the driver's side window of this police car. And I just freeze, pretty stunned as to what just happened. There's five police officers all of a sudden coming at my back. And they're screaming at me to drop the firework. Meanwhile, there's a police officer coming toward me from the front and I was gonna hit him if I dropped the firework.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 45:59Speaker 04

  I decide to throw it.

• 46:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 46:02Speaker 04

  I throw it, it hits him.

• 46:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 46:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 46:07Dax Shepard?

  Really? Now it looks like you are attacking the police.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:10Speaker 04

  It spirals out and just starts wildly shooting Roman candles. So now everyone's on the ground.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 46:18Speaker 04

  The police officers, myself, the 25 people that were back in the alley partying with us, we're all on the ground. No one was injured, thank God, but I was arrested and I was trying to reason with the police officer that it was the 4th of July.

• 46:33Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  What do you expect?

• 46:36Dax Shepard?

  There's an exemption on 4th of July. Also, like, you are the definition of getting caught red handed.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 46:42Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. I'm trying to reason with him, telling him it's the 4th and he's like, it's 3 a.m. It's the 5th.

• 46:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 46:48Speaker 04

  He put me in the back of the police car. I sat in jail overnight, was bailed out by my mom the next day, who could not quite wrap her head around what I had done.

• 46:58Dax Shepard?

  Was she used to you getting in trouble at this point or was this new?

• 47:00Speaker 04

  This was new. I had never been in trouble. I'm a lawyer.

• 47:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 47:05Speaker 04

  It was a nightmare. I was arrested for reckless endangerment, endangerment of a police officer.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  The endangerment of a police officer was dropped and I just had to go to a bunch of classes.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 47:20Dax Shepard?

  Like don't drink classes?

• 47:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, like don't drink and don't shoot off fireworks classes.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  That feels like a one hour course, max.

• 47:29Dax Shepard?

  Anyone teach a course on fireworks in here?

• 47:31Speaker 04

  And then they dropped the reckless endangerment off my record, which, thank God, because my husband and I have an adopted son and we want to be able to do that.

• 47:40Dax Shepard?

  Because would that have been a felony, I imagine?

• 47:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, and not a good one to have on your record either.

• 47:45Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 47:46Dax Shepard?

  No, it's not, not when you're trying to pass the bar and do all that.

• 47:49Speaker 01

  And they get a baby.

• 47:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, so you know, when I told my in-laws that I was going on this podcast, they were laughing and they were like, you could troll anyone in our family and we'd all have stories.

• 48:00Dax Shepard?

  You're in good company. You've landed in the right family.

• 48:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, I landed in a family filled with sober alcoholics.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Oh, great.

• 48:08Dax Shepard?

  We've all had some.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  There'll be some stories.

• 48:09Dax Shepard?

  Some dust ups, yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, for sure.

• 48:13Dax Shepard?

  Well, Erica, it's a delight to meet you. I'm always so happy when I see that someone who shouldn't have made it, made it.

• 48:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, and thank you for talking about addiction and alcoholism openly.

• 48:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my pleasure.

• 48:25Speaker 04

  It makes it less shameful for the rest of us.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  Well, thanks for chatting with us.

• 48:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 48:29Speaker 04

  Thank you for having me. By the way, Dax, you met my husband once and you called him hot and that really made his day.

• 48:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good.

• 48:36Speaker 04

  He asked you a question at the live podcast when Monica was a guest.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Oh, Denver, Denver.

• 48:43Dax Shepard?

  Yes, when she was a little tipsy on stage.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Well, I was, I was doing great.

• 48:48Dax Shepard?

  You didn't get arrested that night, so, yeah.

• 48:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, and you had this really drunk lady dancing on him and he was trying to ask a question.

• 48:56Speaker 01

  I don't remember this. Oh, my gosh.

• 48:59Speaker 04

  You called him hot and that really made his day.

• 49:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God. I stand by it. I stand by it.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  He's obviously hot.

• 49:06Dax Shepard?

  Well, tell him we say hello.

• 49:08Speaker 04

  Okay, will do.

• 49:08Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 49:10Dax Shepard?

  Bye.

• 49:10Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Be careful out there.

• 49:14Dax Shepard?

  Don't go to jail. Not one of the stories sounded fun.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:18Dax Shepard?

  Can you even believe I've never spent the night in jail? The amount of luck I have is insane.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  It is shocking. Oh, would these people have been to jail?

• 49:25Dax Shepard?

  No, every one of these people didn't deserve to go. Well, maybe, Erica, they need to get her off the streets. That was, God knows what else was coming after the mortars. They might have got her just in time before she set a building on fire.

• 49:38Speaker 01

  I mean, I also think our first guy, he was wreaking some havoc, you know?

• 49:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he was. He's naughty. He deserved it.

• 49:45Speaker 01

  Some moments there.

• 49:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  All right.

• 49:48Dax Shepard?

  Love you.

• 49:51Speaker 05

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

• 49:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 49:56Speaker 05

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. Enjoy.

• 50:17Dax Shepard?

  We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking, if the movie is sold out before you show up, you drove across town, found parking, got in line, and now the person behind the counter is giving you that look, sold out. Guess you're watching whatever starts in 10 minutes. Yeah, checking first is an excellent idea. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.