Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Haven’t Confessed to Parents About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us something they still haven’t confessed to their parents.
Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript 10,127 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.
0:06 Speaker 01 Hi there.
0:07 Dax Shepard? Haven't confessed to parents.
0:10 Speaker 01 Oof.
0:10 Dax Shepard? Some parents will be hearing this story, I guess, for the very first time. It's an interesting way to get something out there. I like that we're providing a safe place to admit to your foibles.
0:21 Speaker 01 People had a lot on their chest and they were able to relieve it.
0:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I hope that everyone felt lighter after this. Some are probably scared.
0:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, of course.
0:28 Dax Shepard? There's a couple winners in here.
0:29 Speaker 01 There what? There's a.
0:32 Dax Shepard? We get a real rascal.
0:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, we do.
0:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah, we deal with a real rascal on this one. This was super fun and I can't see any reason why we wouldn't.
0:40 Speaker 01 Unless you love your parents so much that you'll feel a lot of guilt.
0:44 Dax Shepard? Maybe if you have parents, you shouldn't listen.
0:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:45 Dax Shepard? So everyone without parents, go for it.
0:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, feel free.
0:48 Dax Shepard? All right, enjoy. We get support from Quince.
0:52 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.
1:12 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold, and Italian leather. Full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
1:28 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
1:39 Dax Shepard? Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California, and I'm so excited, and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
1:46 Speaker 01 It's great.
1:47 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
1:51 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here, and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have. Five star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
2:13 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefit software built for small businesses.
2:58 Dax Shepard? It's all in one, remote friendly and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026 and trusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax.
4:08 Dax Shepard? Hi, Bree.
4:09 Speaker 02 Hi.
4:10 Dax Shepard? Why do you have such a stylish microphone?
4:12 Speaker 02 Work stuff, podcasting. It's a work podcast. Fun stuff about history and animation. Oh, we love that.
4:19 Dax Shepard? The history of animation or history? And then also we do animation.
4:23 Speaker 02 History of animation. We focus on Walt Disney's life and history of Walt.
4:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, what did I just hear? Just heard an interesting factoid about Walt, as you do. Where was he born?
4:32 Speaker 02 He was born in Chicago, Illinois, in 1901.
4:35 Dax Shepard? Guess that wasn't the thing that I heard.
4:37 Speaker 01 Really put her to the test there.
4:39 Dax Shepard? But she fucking nailed it. Did you see that? Probably even knows his birthday. When was his birthday?
4:43 Speaker 02 December 5th, 1901.
4:45 Dax Shepard? That's right. Oh, wow. This is very timely. I'm taking my daughter to Disneyland on Friday.
4:53 Speaker 02 Oh, that would be so much fun.
4:54 Dax Shepard? Do you live in California?
4:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, I live in LA, actually, in Franklin Village.
4:59 Dax Shepard? Oh, Jesus.
5:01 Speaker 01 You live just a stone's throw away from where we are right now.
5:03 Dax Shepard? She knows.
5:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
5:07 Dax Shepard? Okay, this is an interesting prompt. I don't know that I even understand it, which is exciting. But this is haven't confessed to parents.
5:14 Speaker 01 There's a secret they still haven't confessed to their parents.
5:16 Dax Shepard? They're still harboring a secret. Oh, my gosh. And is there any threat of your parents listening?
5:22 Speaker 02 Probably not, but might have to send it to them after.
5:26 Dax Shepard? This could be an opportunity. Oh, okay. I like that. Okay, where are you originally from?
5:31 Speaker 02 I'm originally from Bakersfield, so that's where the story takes place.
5:34 Dax Shepard? All right, hit us with the Bakersfield story.
5:37 Speaker 02 Summer of 2010, I was going into my junior year of high school. I was definitely in my mischief era. I was dating a guy who was a senior, and he'd been trying to get me to sneak out of my house. And it was always a joke that you couldn't sneak out of my house. My parents had designed it. They put me on like the second floor. And always the joke with my parents was that they added a balcony off my room. And it was like, oh, you just got to look out for the rope ladder or she's going to try to like climb down and break her neck. And we also had a guard dog. We also had this alarm system. And anytime a window would open or a door would open, it would ding. I finally decided, I was like, okay, today I'm going to commit to devising a plan. I cracked a Window during the day in our laundry room.
6:19 Speaker 02 This was gonna be the only spot feasibly that I could actually get in and get out. So that night around midnight, I crept down the stairs, made it past the guard dogs, locked myself in the laundry room and was like, okay, step one, complete. The window that I was climbing out of was on top of a countertop. So I climbed up on the countertop, take out the window screen. I just put it outside and climbed on out. My boyfriend was down the street, picked me up. We went out to a party on the orchard. He dropped me back off. It was like 3 a.m.
6:47 Dax Shepard? Had you gotten drunk at this party?
6:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:50 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Okay. So different person returning than had left. Very competent Tom Cruise person made their escape and now Mr. Bean's returning.
6:58 Speaker 02 Yeah. So my boyfriend had left. Once I got back to the window, I realized I had messed up. The window, I had to climb up on a countertop, so it's six feet off of the ground. And I'm 5'2" on a good day. All I'm thinking of is just get my body back inside. We're not thinking about anything else, can't get caught. So I finally hoist myself up, climb back in. And then I look outside and realize the stupid window screen is still outside. I didn't think to keep it inside. Can't jump back out, not doing that again. And I tried to like dingle down to grab it.
7:28 Dax Shepard? The dingle didn't work?
7:29 Speaker 02 No. I was like, you know what? It's in this garden area. There's a lot of plants. I'm just gonna wake up early in the morning. I'll get it, put it back. So make it back upstairs. I remember just like laying down in my bed going like, I did it. I got away with it and was so happy. The next morning, my sister's waking me up and she's on the phone with my dad. And she tells me someone broke into the house.
7:50 Speaker 01 Oh.
7:51 Dax Shepard? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right.
7:53 Speaker 01 It could have been a squirrel.
7:55 Dax Shepard? That removed a screen from the window?
7:56 Speaker 01 They're very.
7:58 Dax Shepard? They're very, yeah. Okay.
7:59 Speaker 02 See, I needed you, Monica, coming up with some ideas.
8:02 Dax Shepard? That would have been a big red flag.
8:04 Speaker 01 I think it was definitely a squirrel.
8:05 Dax Shepard? Yeah, when your kid suggests like, I bet it was a squirrel. You're like, okay, so you did it. That's fine. Let's talk about that.
8:10 Speaker 02 I remember sitting up and for a split second, I was like, well, maybe did somebody break in after me? But that just definitely wasn't the case. My dad is telling us that when he was leaving for work, he went to water the plants. I didn't realize that he did this every morning. And guess what was propped right up against the watering? Was the stupid window screen.
8:30 Speaker 02 My dad concluded it was a break in. He was running late to work. So he's like, just check all the windows, check all the doors, make sure nothing has been stolen. And so we had to check and he's trying to work through it. He's like, but you have to take the window screen off inside. And the way our windows are, they kind of lock. And I'm just so panicked in this moment. We're now going to get creative. I'm not getting caught this far in. And I was like, oh my God, the burglars broke in yesterday. We're hanging out in our house the entire day. And then at night they snuck out of the laundry room.
9:01 Dax Shepard? Oh, squirrel adjacent theory.
9:03 Speaker 01 A little squirrely, but kind of like that movie Parasite where they live in the basement. It's like the burglars lived in the basement for the day and then snuck back out.
9:12 Speaker 02 Something like that. I was like, this story makes zero sense.
9:15 Dax Shepard? Closed the window behind themselves, but then didn't replace the screen.
9:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, but somehow that story stuck.
9:20 Dax Shepard? Oh.
9:22 Speaker 02 My dad bought that story. He was like, you know what? I guess that probably is what happened.
9:26 Dax Shepard? Oh, I wonder if he.
9:29 Speaker 01 He knew.
9:31 Speaker 02 That night, my family, we were talking about it at dinner. I'm still going hard on this story, trying to get into the mind of these burglars. Wow, what a crazy thing that they did. They must have just been hiding in one of our closets.
9:41 Speaker 01 Oh, you're making it so scary.
9:44 Speaker 02 And my parents are like, I think we need to call the cops. This is bad. And I'm like, they didn't take anything though. Maybe like, let's not get the cops involved. They're just baffled. Nothing was stolen. This summer I was getting in trouble a lot. My parents were always trying to sniff out a lie or like a cover up. And so I just figured they knew it was really me. They didn't want to have this conversation in front of my sister.
10:04 Dax Shepard? I'm leaning towards that.
10:06 Speaker 01 But why wouldn't they just say, hey, we know it was you?
10:09 Dax Shepard? Well, maybe they just don't want to talk about it at all. It kind of like if you think your wife fucked somebody and you're like, I actually don't ever want to talk about it. I'm just not going to bring it up. And I might've been suspicious for months, but then once I think it happened, like I actually don't ever want to talk about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:25 Dax Shepard? Okay, there's that.
10:26 Speaker 01 Or a squirrel.
10:27 Dax Shepard? Or they're just like, it'll be more of a punishment for her that she has to continue this preposterous lie. Maybe they're amused by you.
10:34 Speaker 01 That depends on how fun your parents are.
10:35 Speaker 02 They're definitely a fun time. But during this period, I was being grounded a lot. They were really enjoying that and taking away all my things.
10:41 Dax Shepard? Okay, this is confusing.
10:44 Speaker 01 I think they believed it.
10:46 Speaker 02 A week later, my dad's friends are over and one of them is a dean of a high school. He's always sniffing out suspicious shit that kids are up to. And my dad tells the story. So I'm like, okay, he actually does buy this crock of shit.
10:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:58 Speaker 02 He's telling his friends this happened and I'm just standing there like, oh my God, I have to continue to sell this stupid story. And his friend is like, wow, what a weird thing to happen and just keeps moving on. And I was like, okay. And my dad would keep bringing it up every now and then. And I just haven't said anything. Cause I'm like, he wanted to think the best of me. Might as well keep that going.
11:17 Dax Shepard? How did they get in originally? Just the front door was unlocked during the day while you guys were home?
11:21 Speaker 02 I guess that's the theory. Yeah. We used to leave like our garage open and someone could have. I got away with it. It's been almost 15 years.
11:28 Speaker 01 Oh, this is great.
11:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, like I could see, I wouldn't buy that story for a hot minute, but I might also not even deal with it.
11:34 Speaker 01 Would you believe a squirrel?
11:36 Dax Shepard? Nope. Well, Bree, I'm excited to hear what the reaction is, if it does get to them now. That your dad's been peddling this story. What if his only resentment is like, damn, that's one of my best stories. I just told it last week at the bar.
11:48 Speaker 02 God, I hope not.
11:49 Speaker 01 He saw a parasite and he's like, I lived this.
11:52 Dax Shepard? Yes.
11:53 Speaker 01 This is my life.
11:54 Dax Shepard? He has a lawsuit against him.
11:57 Speaker 01 Oh, well, thanks for sharing. I hope you feel relieved. It's off your chest now.
12:01 Dax Shepard? It seems like you're not a troublemaker anymore. You seem like you're really sorted.
12:04 Speaker 02 Once I moved out of Bakersfield, left all that mischief behind.
12:07 Dax Shepard? Where I'm from, Milford's a little bit Bakersfield-y. I know about just having to get into some shit because there's nothing else to do.
12:13 Speaker 02 Exactly. That's what good old suburbs are for.
12:17 Dax Shepard? All right. Well, lovely meeting you, Bree.
12:18 Speaker 02 Lovely meeting you too.
12:19 Dax Shepard? Now I'll wave if I see you in the neighborhood.
12:22 Speaker 01 Absolutely.
12:23 Speaker 02 Definitely. Well, have a great day. And Monica, your race to 35 changed my outlook on life. So I just want to say thank you for that. And thank you for all the work you guys do.
12:32 Speaker 01 Thanks.
12:33 Dax Shepard? All right. Take care.
12:36 Speaker 01 Remember when you said Mr. Beans?
12:38 Dax Shepard? Mr. Bean.
12:39 Speaker 01 Such an old reference.
12:40 Dax Shepard? It was.
12:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, I like him.
12:42 Dax Shepard? Picture him coming in the house.
12:43 Speaker 01 Isn't he in a suit?
12:45 Dax Shepard? He wears a suit a lot.
12:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:46 Dax Shepard? You want to hear something even more random?
12:47 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
12:48 Dax Shepard? So Rowan Atkinson plays Mr. Bean. Two funny things. He does a perfect Martin Brundle impersonation. And when he was interviewed on the Formula One grid by Martin Brundle, he's doing Martin Brundle to him and Martin doesn't realize it, but it is identical. So it's just two Martin Brundles speaking.
13:03 Speaker 01 Wait, who is?
13:03 Dax Shepard? He's the big commentator on F1. He has such a distinct delivery and Rowan is just doing him to him. And he doesn't realize it. It's one of the funniest clips I've ever seen. Secondly, he bought a McLaren F1 for $750,000, the road car. He crashed it two or three times and he sold it for $12 million.
13:22 Speaker 01 No, it appreciated with crashes?
13:25 Dax Shepard? Yes, even with the crashes.
13:26 Speaker 03 Andy's in Rat Race with Ike Berenholtz.
13:29 Dax Shepard? Rowan?
13:29 Speaker 01 Uh uh.
13:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, Rowan's in Rat Race.
13:30 Speaker 01 With Vince V. Lou?
13:32 Speaker 03 Yeah.
13:41 Dax Shepard? This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. Ah, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.
13:50 Speaker 01 What?
13:51 Dax Shepard? Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the grill master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern. So every single bite gets cheese and two pickles side by side. So you're never in a pickle desert.
14:35 Dax Shepard? Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.
14:41 Speaker 01 Me too. That's my order is a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste.
14:53 Dax Shepard? You can taste it. Yeah. The love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.
14:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm not surprised.
14:59 Dax Shepard? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. We get support from No Bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.
15:26 Speaker 01 That's when you really need to ground yourself.
15:28 Dax Shepard? Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid and I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps.
15:58 Speaker 01 Ah.
15:59 Dax Shepard? Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility and boy, do they deliver.
16:05 Speaker 01 And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.
16:09 Dax Shepard? And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.
16:17 Speaker 01 They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.
16:26 Dax Shepard? Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobullproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.
16:37 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.
16:48 Dax Shepard? It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.
16:59 Speaker 01 That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast, it took me like two minutes, and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip, it's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently. That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.
17:22 Dax Shepard? Temperature was all over the map.
17:23 Speaker 01 It was a mess. I need a new one.
17:25 Dax Shepard? Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.
17:40 Speaker 01 Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired, and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.
17:46 Dax Shepard? Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair. This episode is brought to you by Dell. Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence, and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 Laptop. With a beautiful design and cutting-edge performance, it helps you unlock more possibilities. It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet.
18:30 Dax Shepard? With touchscreen, a backlit keyboard, and long-lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds, and Intel Core processors, it's fast, reliable, and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities. abilities of XPS. While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards, fast free shipping, premium support and financing with flexible payment options. Plus you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss. Add to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.
19:23 Dax Shepard? Hi.
19:25 Speaker 01 This is a setup.
19:26 Dax Shepard? Also, you look like you are a star of Dallas. You've never seen that show because you're too young.
19:32 Speaker 04 I'm from Dallas.
19:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, you are.
19:34 Speaker 04 Maybe that's why. It's the hair.
19:36 Speaker 01 Were you a Cowboys cheerleader?
19:38 Speaker 04 No, my roommate from college was though.
19:40 Dax Shepard? Did you watch the Netflix show about it?
19:42 Speaker 04 Not the most recent one. Do you remember the one that was on the country channel?
19:46 Speaker 01 Yep.
19:46 Speaker 04 Years and years ago. That was her season.
19:48 Speaker 01 Making the team.
19:50 Dax Shepard? How exciting. The newer Netflix one, they do show that other show quite often.
19:54 Speaker 01 Yes, and Melissa Rycroft was on that. She was from The Bachelor, so I really enjoyed.
19:59 Dax Shepard? Double dipped on these reality shows. And who loves Bavarian Motorworks in your household?
20:04 Speaker 04 I work for BMW.
20:05 Dax Shepard? There we go.
20:06 Speaker 04 My husband did as well, just kind of kept it in the family.
20:09 Dax Shepard? In what capacity?
20:10 Speaker 04 We worked for just about every dealer you can think of. We've bought and sold several dealerships over the years. Anywhere from a Hyundai to Ford to BMW, Subaru, Mazda, all of them. We moved to Colorado, we're buying into this BMW and Mini store. And my husband was very good at fixing dealerships. Taking them from being very low profit to being super high profit very quickly. And so when he got sick and passed away, it kind of shoved me into his role because I knew how his brain worked and what his plans were.
20:40 Dax Shepard? First of all, so sorry to hear that. You look very young to have lost a husband.
20:44 Speaker 04 Definitely.
20:45 Dax Shepard? Secondly, is it get the service situation working correctly? Is that the first step?
20:51 Speaker 04 Always. That's your repeat customer.
20:53 Dax Shepard? Okay, Ashley, you have a story. Does it take place in Dallas?
20:56 Speaker 04 So this takes place in Albuquerque. Actually, I think y'all were filming Employee of the Month when this took place.
21:03 Dax Shepard? Oh, my gosh, I was staying at the Embassy Suites.
21:05 Speaker 04 I was in high school. And mind you, I lost sleep last night. I have not told but one person this story in 23 years since it happened.
21:14 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God.
21:15 Speaker 04 I'm about 16. I had wrecked a motorcycle, had to have surgery. Along with surgery comes pain medication. Happened to wake up the day after the surgery. I'd also come down with mono.
21:24 Dax Shepard? Oh, street bike or dirt bike?
21:26 Speaker 04 Street bike. So I raced them all through high school and partway through college.
21:30 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
21:31 Speaker 04 Not drinking enough water. My throat hurts. I'm trying to get food down, taking Tylenol on top of it for a fever. It's just this whole perfect storm of things. About nine, 10 days in, I haven't pooped.
21:42 Dax Shepard? Sure, you're on opiates, yeah.
21:44 Speaker 04 I'm like super, duper impacted. My doctor's like, you need to put her on some stool softeners. That should help. And if that doesn't work, try laxative. So we do that over the course of a couple of days. Finally, I'm like, I gotta go. Of course, it's the day that my parents have 15 people over for Bible study. My bathroom is the guest bathroom.
22:01 Dax Shepard? Oh, fuck.
22:03 Speaker 04 I managed to go in there, give birth. It's essentially labor because it's hard. Two weeks worth.
22:09 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
22:11 Speaker 04 My best friend was like, you should make a Play-Doh model so they can see.
22:17 Speaker 04 So I get this thing out. I look in the toilet and I'm like, this isn't going anywhere.
22:21 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure.
22:22 Speaker 04 Try to flush it. It's not budging. It's in there, solid. Now I'm like, okay, I can't go out there and ask for a plunger. I can't leave it here. People are going to want to use this bathroom. I'm looking through the cabinets going, maybe I can break it up and get it down. I find this solo cup. It's under the cabinet that I had left under there from one of my secret parties. Decided I'm going to fish this thing out. It's bad enough if my parents have to see it, but if all my friends' parents from church had to see it. So I fish this thing out and I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to open the window and toss it, I guess.
22:53 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay, great. Now it fit in. Solo cup.
22:56 Speaker 04 Birth wise.
22:57 Dax Shepard? Okay, wow, okay, great. Yeah, yeah.
22:59 Speaker 01 Can you believe that was in your body?
23:01 Speaker 04 I don't know how. I didn't have some kind of rectal prolapse. Giving birth was not even as bad. We'll say that.
23:08 Speaker 04 So I take the screen off the window, toss it out. On our side yard were all these juniper bushes. And so no one ever went over there, tossed it in there and thought, it'll rain, it'll snow, it'll go away. The problem is gone. Go about my life, go back to school. Everything's perfect. Seven months down the road, my parents decide they're gonna clear out that side yard. My mom was rescuing turtles or something at the time. And so she wanted the space for these tortoises. I pull out these bushes. Lo and behold, this thing has petrified. So it's just lying there.
23:37 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
23:38 Speaker 04 So I hear my mom come inside and she's like, I don't know who would poop in our side yard. That's just crazy. And my dad is going, I don't know. It must have been a contractor. Or maybe a homeless person. He's of course thinking this had to come out of a man.
23:54 Speaker 01 Right.
23:55 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
23:56 Speaker 04 I'm like, what do I do? So I go out and I'm like, what happened? What are you guys doing?
24:01 Dax Shepard? It's a big to do.
24:02 Speaker 01 Why didn't it get washed away?
24:05 Speaker 04 It's the desert. They don't get enough rain. It snowed and just like froze it and then it was there.
24:11 Speaker 01 And turned into an icicle.
24:12 Speaker 04 I agreed. I was like, it must have been one of these workers, one of the roofers, maybe.
24:17 Dax Shepard? Sure, one of these jerks.
24:19 Speaker 04 To this day, I am now thirty eight years old, about to be thirty nine. I've never spoken a word of this, but to one person.
24:27 Speaker 01 We feel so lucky.
24:28 Dax Shepard? Me too. I'm so proud of you. Way to handle your business. If I'm your father, I go, good for you. When the dirty work needs doing, you roll up your sleeves and you get it done.
24:37 Speaker 04 Literal dirty work. Gotta get the duty done.
24:40 Dax Shepard? I wanna see it so bad, don't you, Monica?
24:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, I do think the Play-Doh would have been a good idea.
24:44 Dax Shepard? Here's the disgusting part about me. If I did that same thing, I would wanna see it again, maybe a couple of weeks later. I would be like, I'm gonna go look. Cause you might build it up in your head like a fish you caught.
24:55 Speaker 01 No.
24:55 Dax Shepard? It wasn't really as big as I'm remembering it.
24:57 Speaker 01 Most people think, I wanna forget this ever happened.
24:59 Dax Shepard? I got you.
25:00 Speaker 04 I think that's the female take. I can promise you, my husband would have been like, cover it in epoxy, let's. Save it. Let's just put it in a case. That's record.
25:08 Dax Shepard? It's a trophy.
25:09 Speaker 01 It does seem like something we'd have up here. Well, we're proud of you.
25:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
25:12 Speaker 01 For taking care of biz and also sharing.
25:15 Speaker 04 Figured if I'm gonna share it at all, I should share it with the entire world.
25:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it's a good start. Did the hydrocodone thing ever pop up again?
25:21 Speaker 04 No, one, it kind of made me never want to take it again. But even later on with future injuries, I realized it makes me so sick. I can't take opiates at all.
25:30 Dax Shepard? You've done a lot of things right. Ever get back on the motorcycle?
25:34 Speaker 04 Not since having my kids.
25:35 Dax Shepard? Don't shame me. I feel that subtweet there.
25:38 Speaker 01 I think you're making the right decision.
25:41 Speaker 04 There are moments, especially after losing my husband, where that adrenaline rush and that ability to just turn off everything around you seems so tempting. But when you're in that level of grief, the last thing you need is the temptation to just do 180, just because it feels good.
25:57 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Well, actually, this has been a blast.
25:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, thanks for chatting.
26:01 Speaker 04 Thanks to you guys. I know everyone does this. I have not been an armchair from day one.
26:06 Dax Shepard? We like new listeners.
26:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, we do.
26:07 Speaker 04 When Steve got sick, we were going through chemo and that takes forever. Our first chemo deal was eight hours of a day. We didn't know what to do. We were bored. And I was looking for podcasts and I came across you guys. And so we were sharing our little AirPods and it's what we did during his two or three chemo appointments that he had before he passed. It was nice. It got us through and got us some laughs.
26:29 Dax Shepard? Oh, man, that's really lovely. Well, lovely meeting you. Thanks for sharing all that was. All right. Have a good one. Bye.
26:35 Speaker 04 Take care.
26:37 Dax Shepard? Hi, Noah. How are you?
26:40 Speaker 05 Hi, how are you guys doing?
26:41 Dax Shepard? Good. I'm so intrigued by all the different posters on your wall.
26:44 Speaker 05 Wilco, we got Twin Peaks, we got the day the earth stood still. We are moving nerds in our household.
26:51 Speaker 01 Fun. Where are you? What part of the world?
26:53 Speaker 05 I'm far away from you guys in Los Feliz.
26:56 Dax Shepard? That's twice today. We had a Franklin Village person.
26:59 Speaker 01 Do you guys think we overindex in Los Feliz for secrets we haven't told parents?
27:04 Speaker 05 Oh, well, we like run away from our homes because we're so ashamed from our past selves. We're trying to escape.
27:11 Dax Shepard? I agree. I think there's something there.
27:13 Speaker 01 They go to UCB to be funny and Get over it.
27:16 Dax Shepard? He had to laugh their way through the shame. Okay, so what did you do that you haven't told your parents about?
27:21 Speaker 05 This was my freshman year of high school. I was in an English language honors class. My mom was really strict on maintaining A's and B's. We read a book every quarter, maybe two books a quarter, and she would do weekly reading checks. Our teacher, let's call her Mrs. Puff.
27:36 Dax Shepard? Okay, great.
27:37 Speaker 05 I hated assigned reading growing up. It was really difficult. I would push it off to the last second. So that class, which required a lot of assigned reading, I was falling behind. I was heatering eighty-five as a B, eighty-four as a C.
27:50 Dax Shepard? Well, that's bullshit. Seventy-nine's a C.
27:52 Speaker 05 In South Carolina, where I grew up, it was eighty-five to ninety-two was a B.
27:57 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
27:58 Dax Shepard? That's bullshit.
27:59 Speaker 01 That sucks.
27:59 Speaker 05 It was tough. I had to maintain that in my household. So we're reading this book. We have a reading check. I'm at the point, if I do bad on another reading check, it's gonna bring my grade down to a C. And I'm really dreading it. So we have this test on a Tuesday. Monday night comes, I didn't read. And this is twenty-ten, twenty-eleven, so there's not iPhones when you get to school. You can like cram, you can do the Spark Notes. So I get to school, the class before my English class is PE. We're doing basketball. It's one of my loves. We're in a really intense pickup game. I'm playing point guard. At one point, I get elbowed really hard in the chest. I'm okay. You know, it took me a second to catch my breath, but I kinda had this like lightbulb moment.
28:44 Speaker 05 Maybe I just exaggerate this a bit, so when I get to this class, I can go to the nurse and take the test a little later. I finished the class. I didn't go to the nurse right away. I went to the locker room. I'm trying to sell it a little bit. I'm not telling anyone of my ideas, so I'm like sitting in the locker room like, I'm really not feeling that great. And they're like, oh, man, you good? I'm like, yeah, I really got elbowed really hard and I'm just not really doing too hot. And they're like, oh, man, you good? I'm like, yeah, I'll be good. I'll be good. I'm walking to class. I'm really trying to sell it as I'm walking. I'm dragging ass a little bit. I'm walking up the stairs, maybe stopping every few steps. You can't go over the top, but you have to plant these seeds.
29:22 Dax Shepard? Right.
29:22 Speaker 01 I saw him on the stairs and he was struggling.
29:25 Dax Shepard? He rested midway up the stairs, I think.
29:27 Speaker 05 Get into full character. I make it to class. It's second period. I'm sitting next to a couple of guys. The guy sitting next to me is this guy Caleb. So I'm like, yeah, guys, I'm really not feeling good. Even Caleb looks at me. He's like, man, do you think you should go to the nurse?
29:42 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God.
29:43 Speaker 05 I think I'm good.
29:44 Dax Shepard? Really quick, what could feel worse than getting sympathy that you don't deserve? It really puts you into the headspace of these people with moon chowson because I feel so guilty. I know.
29:54 Speaker 05 I don't take sympathy very well. Like if someone feels bad for me, try to pat me on the back. I'm like, oh no, I'm fine. That's my initial reaction. And I try to play into that here. So I'm kind of thinking we're gonna maybe do a couple of things before the test starts. We have morning announcements and then immediately my teacher, Mrs. Puff is like, all right, guys, we're gonna get to go on the test. And I'm like, okay, it's showtime.
30:17 Speaker 01 Oh, fuck.
30:18 Speaker 05 Raise my hand. I'm like, Mrs. Puff? And she's like, Noah, don't interrupt me while I'm talking. That's rude. In that moment, I got really heated. I think my defense mechanism really went off.
30:29 Dax Shepard? You got indignant.
30:30 Speaker 01 I'm dying and you're telling me to stop.
30:33 Dax Shepard? You believe your own story.
30:34 Speaker 05 Immediately this fire goes off in my head and I raise my hand and I scream at the top of my lungs. Miss Puff, I'm having a heart attack! And I put my head on my desk. I just made myself hyperventilating because what do you do when you're having a heart attack? This is wild. She sprints out of the room and yells, call 911.
30:55 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God, call 911. Oh, boy. This is like the girl who staged the slip and fall at Kmart.
31:01 Speaker 05 What I'm doing right now, I don't realize until much, much later on that it is really illegal.
31:07 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure, sure. Let's not get hung up on that.
31:10 Speaker 05 I don't think I can get in trouble now.
31:12 Dax Shepard? No, no, no.
31:12 Speaker 05 So she runs out of the room. She's like, someone call 911. I'm in this. There's no being like, just kidding.
31:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you're past the point of no return.
31:20 Speaker 05 The whole class is cleared out.
31:22 Dax Shepard? Oh.
31:22 Speaker 05 And an EMS comes. They're like talking to me. I'm not answering any of their questions.
31:28 Dax Shepard? Well, you're playing non-responsive.
31:31 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
31:32 Speaker 05 I'm giving them a couple of words. Oh, God. Oh, my God. They bring in an air tank and they give me oxygen.
31:38 Speaker 01 What if they started doing like a chest tube?
31:43 Speaker 05 Yeah, they took my pulse. They're like, yeah, it's probably an anxiety attack that this kid's having. So they put me on a stretcher and they stretched me out of the high school. I had a really big high school. It was like 4,000 students. So I get taken to the hospital. I'm sitting there. My mom shows up.
32:00 Dax Shepard? Well, hold on. She kind of deserves this.
32:03 Speaker 01 Why?
32:03 Dax Shepard? When you put this much stress on your kids to get B's, like, look what lengths they'll go to. That's how strong the stress is.
32:11 Speaker 05 We had a strict household. I'm terrified of my mom. I'd rather do this than go through the argument. So I'm sitting there. My vice principal shows up. The principal of our like freshman academy is there. The whole time I'm just acting dopey. I'm like, I'm okay. I'm doing better. That was really scary. I end up waiting however long it takes to get x-rays. It's an hour or two. My doctor comes in. He's like, I'm glad you're doing better. We found some interesting things on your x-rays. It turns out you have a bruise on your sternum. I was like, oh yeah, I got elbowed in basketball earlier. He's like, when you have trauma that's suffered to the chest area, sometimes our bodies react in a way that is uncontrollable, which might have caused your body to go into panic.
32:55 Speaker 05 This guy's helping me get out of it. I swear.
32:58 Dax Shepard? Right. He doesn't want to embarrass you that you had a panic attack.
33:00 Speaker 05 Exactly. I got sent home. I had the next day of school off. So because it all happened on school property, it all ended up being covered by the school, which is great. Cause my family didn't have health insurance.
33:11 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
33:13 Speaker 05 So my mom would have gotten really screwed. Going to the hospital in an ambulance is incredibly.
33:19 Speaker 01 And having x-rays and oh my God.
33:22 Speaker 05 It would put my family into so much trouble financially. The next day I go back to school, I shamefully made my way over to Mrs. Puff's room. She's like, Noah. She hugs me. She's like, I'm so glad to see you. And I'm like, thanks.
33:37 Speaker 01 This is so bad.
33:39 Speaker 05 I'm feeling so much better. I missed that test the other day. Can I make it up after school? And she's like, don't worry about that test. She gave me an A or a B, so it didn't affect my grade.
33:49 Speaker 01 What's the lesson here?
34:00 Dax Shepard? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it? Or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?
34:22 Speaker 01 Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays, who we're supposed to see, what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.
34:39 Dax Shepard? This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.
34:58 Speaker 01 I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I haven't canceled, canceled, canceled, but then I-
35:06 Dax Shepard? You start feeling it.
35:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my God. And just thank God, thank God for her. Yeah.
35:14 Dax Shepard? BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans, with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash DAX. We get support from Superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff. But there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends, docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left.
35:58 Dax Shepard? What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open, not another thing to set up. Superhuman- Go from the makers of Grammarly is different. It's already right there inside your email, your docs, your browser. You don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it, and it pulls the key points. About to send something important? It flags what doesn't add up before it leaves your hands. It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed at your service, not after your job. So do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go. From the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com.
36:42 Dax Shepard? We are supported by Walden University. You know that feeling when you've been thinking about making a move? Going after the degree, the promotion, the thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to someday? Walden University is built for that moment. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working professionals get the W, the knowledge, the skills, and the confidence to create real change in their careers and communities. Their programs are designed around your life, not the other way around. With Tempo Learning available in select programs, there are no rigid schedules or set weekly deadlines. You move at your own pace. And Walden's faculty aren't just academics. They're practitioners who bring real world experience into everything they teach.
37:25 Dax Shepard? From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit walden.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV.
37:51 Speaker 05 So I didn't tell anyone about it. It was like two years later. I told my best friend about it. We were smoking weed and I was like, Brian, I fucking faked the heart attack. It's like, what? The heart attack.
38:04 Dax Shepard? The famous heart attack.
38:05 Speaker 05 Later on, my senior year of high school, this is like three years later, I was in a talent show. I did a stand up bit and I was not really doing good at writing jokes. So I decided to tell the heart attack story. Turns out Mrs. Puff is one of the judges at the talent show.
38:22 Speaker 01 Did you say you faked it?
38:24 Speaker 05 Yeah. I'd said it all happened in sixth grade. I changed her name to Mrs. Applebottom Jeans Boots with the fur because that was in the zeitgeist at the time. The bit killed and I won the talent show.
38:37 Dax Shepard? Oh my lord, did she not?
38:40 Speaker 05 She never put two and two together.
38:42 Speaker 01 Oh my god, Mrs. Puff.
38:44 Dax Shepard? She deserves it too.
38:46 Speaker 05 And neither of my parents were there. So that's kind of where it is.
38:50 Dax Shepard? Wow, that's a great story. You just won, won, won.
38:54 Speaker 05 I don't feel great about it.
38:55 Dax Shepard? No, of course not.
38:56 Speaker 01 You have a big smile on your face. I think you do.
38:58 Dax Shepard? He knows he's a rascal. It's that rascal smile.
39:02 Speaker 05 I promise I've changed. I've learned. I don't think I could do that now.
39:06 Dax Shepard? Wilco would be upset for sure. Yeah, that's not the kind of thing they condone.
39:11 Speaker 05 David Lynch wouldn't be very proud.
39:13 Dax Shepard? He might be. He was a rascal.
39:15 Speaker 01 The things we do to survive a moment. I get it.
39:19 Speaker 05 It was fight or flight 100%.
39:22 Speaker 01 The heart attack.
39:23 Dax Shepard? I like that he had to unburden himself while stoned like Rolf Skolnikoff. Like, I have to get this off my chest. Well, no, that was great. I'm happy that you did all that.
39:33 Speaker 05 Thank you for listening.
39:34 Dax Shepard? Our pleasure. Great meeting you.
39:36 Speaker 05 Great to meet you. Also, before I let you go, my girlfriend's the one that signed this up. Can I get her to say hi? She's a huge fan.
39:42 Dax Shepard? Of course.
39:43 Speaker 05 She's about to do a job interview, so this is gonna make her day. This is Elise.
39:48 Speaker 06 Hi guys.
39:49 Speaker 01 Hi Elise.
39:50 Speaker 06 Wow, this is very exciting. I listen to you guys every week.
39:53 Dax Shepard? Nice to meet you. Where are you from?
39:55 Speaker 06 I'm from New Jersey originally.
39:57 Dax Shepard? Okay, a Garden State and a South Carolinian.
40:00 Speaker 06 We met five years ago and on our first date, he told me this story and.
40:05 Speaker 05 He's like, he's a winner.
40:06 Speaker 06 It was a red flag at first, but he won me over.
40:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:10 Dax Shepard? Like he's a liar, but he's a charming liar.
40:12 Speaker 01 That's right.
40:13 Speaker 06 Exactly. Thank you guys so much for all of the stuff you do. I saw the prompt and I was like, all right, babe, you gotta do it.
40:18 Dax Shepard? You're up. Well, nice meeting you guys.
40:20 Speaker 01 Yes.
40:20 Dax Shepard? All right, take care.
40:21 Speaker 01 Good luck on your interview.
40:22 Speaker 06 Thank you so much. Bye.
40:25 Speaker 01 Wow, the heart attack.
40:26 Dax Shepard? That could happen to me.
40:27 Speaker 01 No, really?
40:28 Dax Shepard? I could see myself.
40:30 Speaker 01 Okay.
40:31 Dax Shepard? Going for it.
40:32 Speaker 01 You acted earlier like you hated the idea of getting sympathy, but you don't.
40:36 Dax Shepard? No, I do. I wouldn't want any of that. I'd want to get out of the thing I had to get out of. And then that would be the consequence of it is that I'd have to receive all this sympathy.
40:45 Speaker 01 Sure.
40:45 Dax Shepard? For something I didn't deserve.
40:47 Speaker 01 You like sympathy because you left blood out for people to see.
40:50 Dax Shepard? My goal there is for them to go like, he's so stoic. Look how much he bled. I want admiration. Try to be very honest.
40:57 Speaker 01 This story is that Kristen walked in and saw in the trash can, there was all this bloody.
41:02 Dax Shepard? And that's my whole move is I don't tell her I was bleeding.
41:05 Speaker 01 Right.
41:05 Dax Shepard? I put it on top.
41:07 Speaker 01 Hold it up and put it on top.
41:08 Dax Shepard? Yes, I wanted it to be seen and then I wanted to hear that they admired my stoicism in the face of being injured. I don't want sympathy, but you can understand that, right? Like her arm broke in half and she didn't even flinch. She just calmly went to the hospital.
41:21 Speaker 01 I don't have that, although in cheerleading, I guess there was an element of you did need to suck it up and move on. And that was a compliment.
41:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
41:30 Speaker 01 Hi.
41:31 Dax Shepard? We find you amid many pillows.
41:34 Speaker 04 It is my best attempt at a pillow fort.
41:36 Dax Shepard? It's good. I like it.
41:38 Speaker 04 I'm not at home, so I don't have a closet with clothes in it.
41:41 Dax Shepard? Are you at an Airbnb?
41:42 Speaker 04 I am. So I'm originally from Vancouver, Canada, but I live in Phoenix and I'm on tour right now in Miami.
41:48 Dax Shepard? How do you like Phoenix coming from Vancouver? That couldn't be a more opposite environment.
41:52 Speaker 04 I actually had seasonal depression my first three years there with too much sun.
41:57 Speaker 01 Oh.
41:58 Speaker 04 I know. My wife told me it wasn't a thing.
42:00 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
42:00 Speaker 04 Monica, your dad's sim is in full effect today. The episode came out with Seth Rogen. So I'm a cannabis chef and I travel around the world doing very high end, fine dining cannabis dinners.
42:12 Dax Shepard? Whoa.
42:12 Speaker 04 I actually developed the curriculum for the American Culinary Federation to start training chefs how to use it. And today Seth was.
42:19 Speaker 07 Talking about how bad the edible experiences can be. And I was literally yelling like, no, don't say this. You're scaring people.
42:28 Dax Shepard? I guarantee he'd be first in line to have your cuisine. So you're making different dishes and a lot of them have weed in it. As the meal progresses, you're getting a little stoned and then more hungry. So by the time dessert hits, you're like, fucking bring this shit.
42:42 Speaker 07 Yeah, we, we do like a five course menu. Every course has one infused component. And then we dose each guest on their own tolerance level. I've served over 25,000 people now with about a thousand first time cannabis users, people who've never touched the plant before. So trying to change the perception that edibles mean cookies, brownies, gummies, and that it can be a very enjoyable, fun experience if done properly.
43:07 Dax Shepard? Wow, what a neat niche you've found yourself in.
43:10 Speaker 07 Unintended, it just kind of happened.
43:12 Dax Shepard? What's your signature dish? What's the one you're most proud of that people rave about?
43:16 Speaker 07 Probably a proggy poutine dish that I do where we do a potato infused proggy, short rib ragu, and then a maple apple boursin cheese.
43:24 Speaker 01 Oh my.
43:26 Speaker 07 Right now with my menus, it's very Canadian forward. We're all very patriotic at the moment in any way that we can show our pride.
43:33 Dax Shepard? Sure.
43:34 Speaker 01 I get it.
43:35 Dax Shepard? You got no beef with the citizens, I hope everyone knows.
43:37 Speaker 07 No, I love America and I love Americans.
43:40 Dax Shepard? We love Canada.
43:41 Speaker 01 I also love poutine.
43:43 Speaker 07 You have a huge percentage of people on Nonchure Anonymous that are Canadian. I don't know if you guys recognize, but there's always Canadians phoning in with good stories.
43:51 Dax Shepard? You're dead right. It does over index, given the fact that there's less in Canada than California. It's pretty wild.
43:57 Speaker 07 Absolutely.
43:58 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you've got a story to confess.
44:01 Speaker 07 I do. I gotta start off by saying I have the most amazing parents. And I don't know how they didn't give up on me, get rid of me, or trade me in. Because I got in a lot of trouble as a kid. This story has to do specifically with Halloween. Where I'm from in Canada, our high schools were grade eight to 12. So we didn't really have a middle school. You went from elementary school into high school. And I got grounded every single Halloween from grade eight to 11. I would do something in September, get grounded, and that was the thing they would take away from me.
44:32 Dax Shepard? They took away trick or treating. That's harsh.
44:34 Speaker 01 That is.
44:34 Speaker 07 I probably would have been up to no good, so maybe it was a good thing. Except I still got up to no good.
44:41 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay.
44:42 Speaker 07 Grade nine suspended at home, not allowed to go up for Halloween. But my dad still wanted me to have some fun. So the fireworks in Canada are pretty tame. So we used to actually drive across the border down to Blaine, Washington. We would buy the fun fireworks and then we'd bring them back up to Canada. So my dad's like, listen, you gotta stay home, but let's go down and get you some fireworks. So he's kind of to blame here a little bit, I would think. Halloween's going on. I'm in the backyard lighting off our fireworks, having fun. My little brother comes home from trick or treating. His friend is there with him. It's getting later in the night. My parents decide to go down the street to a friend's house to see them for a little bit. Little brother and his friend are in bed and I'm wide awake.
45:24 Speaker 07 I've got a basket full of fireworks and don't know if you remember the movie Problem Child. It was a movie early in the nineties about a family that adopted a boy who looked beautiful, but was very mischievous.
45:37 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God.
45:38 Speaker 07 There's a scene in the movie when he lights an M80 at school, flushes it down the toilet and the M80 goes all the way over to the other washroom where the principal is and it blows all the water out of the toilet.
45:51 Dax Shepard? Oh, what a great plan. Yeah.
45:53 Speaker 07 Right? Let's give it a try.
45:55 Dax Shepard? Uh oh.
45:56 Speaker 07 I've only got a little bottle rocket. I light it. I drop it in the toilet and it starts to spiral around and around and around. It's not going down. It blows and it cracks the entire toilet base.
46:09 Dax Shepard? Oh.
46:11 Speaker 07 Water starts gushing out. It's pouring everywhere. Now I'm thirteen. I don't know. There's a water valve right behind. I'm grabbing towels. I'm trying to put it around. I give it about three minutes and pretty much I'm going to bed.
46:26 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh my God. Oh my God. Yes. God bless your parents. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. There's so much here already. Three minutes. Notion that it was a good idea for you to put a firework in the toilet inside your house. This is like, if you got a thirteen year old boy at home, anything's on the table. I know. Like, I can see that making sense to me, but why would that make? And then another thing, shame on you, but you should have known where the fucking shut off valve was. You gotta teach your kids. I still don't know that. There's a fucking nozzle behind the toilet and you crank it to the right. I think not.
46:58 Speaker 01 Everyone knows that.
46:59 Dax Shepard? Well, they should though, because you get in these situations where flooding can occur. Then the real damage starts.
47:03 Speaker 07 So my great idea is to dip in the bed and pretend it wasn't me.
47:07 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
47:08 Speaker 07 Literally lying in bed, waiting to hear the front door open and then coming home and also thinking, please hurry up and come home because the basement is flooding.
47:15 Speaker 01 Did you take the rocket out? No, it's still in there. Okay.
47:19 Dax Shepard? You just threw your hands in the air.
47:21 Speaker 07 Exactly. I hear the front door open. I hear my parents come in and then my dad was six, six, two hundred and sixty pound, very big man. Very intimidating. All of a sudden you hear, what the fuck? Mama pulls me, my brother and my brother's friend out, lines us up. Now they've shut the water off because they know where the valve is. And they're like, who did this? And I'm keeping my mouth shut. My dad lost his temper a little bit. Remember the old big computer monitors?
47:50 Dax Shepard? Yes.
47:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:51 Speaker 07 So there was one of those in the room you're standing in. He may have broke it in anger.
47:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:57 Dax Shepard? Uh huh.
47:58 Speaker 07 When the monitor broke, I knew right then I was never going to admit to doing this.
48:05 Speaker 01 Yep.
48:05 Dax Shepard? Right. Yeah, yeah.
48:07 Speaker 07 I was sleeping. Must have been my brother and his friend.
48:10 Speaker 01 Oh.
48:11 Speaker 07 My brother was a good kid. He didn't do anything.
48:14 Dax Shepard? Sounds like he's got a buddy sleeping over. He was allowed to trick or treat. By the way, I can't even believe they're asking. It's so obviously you.
48:21 Speaker 07 Clearly, they end up sending my brother's friend home. Me and my brother are grounded for another two months. I'm grounded for another. He gets a grounding he didn't deserve. Ironically, it's his birthday today. Happy birthday, Blair, and I'm very sorry. It's a confession to you as well.
48:37 Dax Shepard? Oh, poor Blair.
48:38 Speaker 07 That is the time that I blew up our toilet on Halloween.
48:41 Dax Shepard? Oh.
48:43 Speaker 01 And you never confessed. You just stood strong.
48:46 Speaker 07 I got in trouble so much that I saw how mad he was.
48:49 Dax Shepard? Now, let me ask you this. If he hadn't broke the computer monitor, do you think you would have confessed?
48:52 Speaker 07 I don't think in that moment. I was already in a grounding. I handled every part of it wrong.
48:57 Speaker 01 Did your brother try to rat you out?
49:00 Speaker 07 I actually convinced my brother it was his friend. The sad part is. It cost him that friendship. They never hung out again because he was like, you need to admit to doing this. He was like, I didn't do it. And I was like, like you said, who would blow up their own toilet, right? Clearly it had to have been the friend who was over who had this idea.
49:20 Dax Shepard? Oh, yes, this is really for Blair. Happy birthday, Blair, and so sorry that Travis perpetrated all this on you.
49:27 Speaker 07 I love you, Blair. He made it. I made it. My wife and I are trying to have a family right now. And my mom and dad keep saying to me, you're going to get a Travis.
49:37 Speaker 07 I will have a travesty of my own and I will know what it's like to walk in their shoes. When I look back at what happened throughout my teen years, amazing parents.
49:47 Dax Shepard? Well, Travis, thank you for that. That was great.
49:49 Speaker 07 I just wanted to say one thing, Dax, the very first episode I listened to was Gwyneth Paltrow. The very first time you had her on. You said something that impacted my entire career. And I don't remember word for word what it was, but it's always stuck with me. When you're working on a project, you're always kind of focused on finishing and what the reward is. And the real reward is the journey. I've got to go everywhere, about to cook with amazing chefs, but I've always kept that in mind of, I'm here right now and in 20 years, I'm going to remember this moment, not the reward. It to me has been just such a great motto to really recognize how special everything is. I just really appreciate the shows you guys do.
50:30 Dax Shepard? Travis, thank you. I'm so delighted.
50:32 Speaker 01 We hope you have a great rest of your day.
50:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah, take care, brother. Nice meeting you.
50:36 Speaker 07 Thanks, guys.
50:37 Speaker 01 Well, that was fun. I wonder if this will instigate a slew of people confessing stuff to their parents.
50:44 Dax Shepard? The only one of these that I would think the parent actually didn't know would be Noah.
50:49 Speaker 01 You think?
50:51 Dax Shepard? Oh, the shit. I guess they don't think it's her. You're right, but they won't care.
50:55 Speaker 01 If they find out now, you mean?
50:56 Dax Shepard? Yeah, but the heart attack, the mom's still gonna go, that could have bankrupted us.
51:00 Speaker 01 Exactly.
51:01 Dax Shepard? Noah?
51:01 Speaker 01 All right, well, love you.
51:03 Dax Shepard? Love you.
51:06 Speaker 07 Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.
51:08 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great.
51:11 Speaker 07 We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish, on the fly, a rhyme dish, enjoy.
Previous Rebecca Lemov (on brainwashing) Next Bert Kreischer Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated