Armchair Anonymous: Bad Customer

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an experience with a bad customer. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi there.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  Today, we have lots of stories, foreign fact, of bad, bad customers.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 0:12Dax Shepard?

  Naughty customers.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Bad customer.

• 0:14Dax Shepard?

  I regret not making the prompt naughty customers as opposed to bad, because in fact, one of these people is very, very naughty. Deviant, I would say. We could have done deviant customers.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  So naughty. Oh creepy.

• 0:27Dax Shepard?

  People have, people have really dealt with a lot of stuff, you know?

• 0:31Speaker 01

  It's hard to be in customer service.

• 0:33Dax Shepard?

  It's a beat down. It's a beat down. It's probably one notch under the nurses, what they're dealing with, right? Yeah. Okay. Please enjoy naughty bad customers. We get support from Quince.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 0:53Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers. Give me the boots. Give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:33Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time, and he looks iconic.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:44Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 2:02Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is presented by YouTube Premium. YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply. Cancel anytime. Now let's get into today's episode.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 3:03Dax Shepard?

  Hello. Already a fun accent on the table.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  I'm from the UK.

• 3:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. Whereabouts?

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Manchester.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. You love Manchester. Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester, and he loves it.

• 3:18Dax Shepard?

  It's definitely opened my heart to Manchester, for sure.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  There's a bit of a competition between the northerners and the southerners in the UK, and I'm team northern.

• 3:28Dax Shepard?

  I'm glad to hear that standard with north and south, because northern Californians hate southern Californians, but we love them.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  And generally, northerners hate southerners of the United States.

• 3:40Dax Shepard?

  Yes, there's obviously a very historic north-south issue in the US. So you're from Manchester. Have you ever left?

• 3:49Speaker 02

  Yes, I'm only visiting Manchester this time. So I live in Singapore.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Oh, my goodness.

• 3:54Dax Shepard?

  Holy smokes. What are you doing in Singapore?

• 3:56Speaker 02

  I actually run a recruitment company for the shipping industry, for the maritime industry. So it's my own company I actually set up this year. So it's been an exciting year.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  Congratulations. That's a big deal.

• 4:09Dax Shepard?

  Will you be a spectator at the Formula One race that's coming in a few weeks?

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Oh, yes. And we go every year.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  There's one in Singapore?

• 4:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Not only is there one in Singapore, but my dream is if you stay at that hotel with the weird boat on top, you can be in the pool and watch the race.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Cool.

• 4:27Speaker 02

  It's a really cool weekend. The vibe is amazing. It's very busy, but it's a fabulous weekend. We don't miss it.

• 4:34Dax Shepard?

  And if you stayed at that place, what's it called? Like the Marina Bay or something?

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Marina Bay Sands. I haven't stayed there, but you can visit. And they've got a lovely cocktail bar on the top floor with an amazing view. So you can see the whole of the track pretty much from that bar. It's pretty amazing.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Wow, that's amazing. My mom is dying to go to Singapore.

• 4:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  It's been on her list as long as I can remember.

• 4:57Dax Shepard?

  I went in 99, but I think it's changed quite a bit.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  I've lived there for eight years now, and even in those eight years, it's almost unrecognizable. It's changed so much. There's so much building work. It's progressed so much. It's a really very popular destination now to live, to visit.

• 5:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a bad customer story.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  I do. So this does take place in the UK. It takes place in 2014. I was living and working in London at the time, and I was working in a West End theater, one that showed Mamma Mia. So just to set the scene a little bit, three things that you should know about the story coming up. First of all, is it takes place in the summer holidays. So the theater that I worked in had a deal for one month of the summer holidays where one child goes free per one paying adult. So that month is always crazy. There's loads of kids in the matinee shows. It's a very family-friendly show, Mamma Mia. The second thing to note

• 6:00Speaker 02

  is that it is also very popular, the matinee show with hen parties, bachelorette parties.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  Oh, I love that. I've never heard that.

• 6:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I like hen parties.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Particularly Mamma Mia, you know, it's a fun show and it sets the day up nicely. And the third thing is that this theater is about 1,100 seat capacity. So it's not huge, but it's not tiny. And most of those 1,100 people turn up to the theater 15 minutes before the show starts. The last 15 minutes before the show starts is mayhem. You're having to make some quick assessments on people. You're looking out for trouble customers. You're looking out for nice customers and seeing what's going to be happening throughout the next two hour show.

• 6:47Dax Shepard?

  And what are some of the red flags when you're looking for a bad customer? Inebriation? Is that on the table?

• 6:53Speaker 02

  It's high on the list. Inebriation is probably the number one that we're looking for at this stage.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  Come on, guys.

• 7:00Dax Shepard?

  Well, sometimes like your wife drags you to this play, you're on vacation, and you're like, get drunk at the pool, and you keep thinking you're not gonna have to go to this show, but then there you are, and you're pretty hammered.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  Exactly. And in the UK, we love a bottomless brunch, and the matinee starts at 3:00 PM. So you have your bottomless brunch, you take your way to the theater.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  What a day.

• 7:23Speaker 02

  It's dicey, let's just say that. I mean, yeah, it's an amazing day if you're having the day.

• 7:28Dax Shepard?

  I just imagine 20% of the audience out cold, snoring.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 7:33Dax Shepard?

  Because they're drunk.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  It's happened. This particular day, I am working as an usher in the dress circle. So that's the first layer. You've got the stalls, you've got the dress circle. So I'm an usher. I'm inside the theater, and I have already got a radio call to say I've got a hen party coming to my circle, and they have been put on a watch list already.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  So they come in, they're having a lovely time. They're okay so far, but they've each got a couple of glasses of wine with them as well, that they've been allowed to bring into the theater. That was maybe the first bad choice of the day for the staff of the theater, but we'll look past that. And we get them settled in their seats, and they're having a lovely time. So I'm seating other patrons, and I look over, and they have managed to sneak in an inflatable penis, which they have now blown up.

• 8:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  I mean, it's not huge, but it's noticeable. And they're now waving it around. There's a lot of kids around. It's a matinee show in the summer holidays. It's very funny. I'm laughing as well, you know, I'm trying to hold it together. And I ask them very politely, can you please pass me the penis?

• 8:44Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  They start to pass it down the row and they drop it.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Oh, in quotes.

• 8:50Dax Shepard?

  That was in quotes for the listener.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  The penis proceeds to bounce down the rows.

• 8:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  And it bounces all the way down to the stalls, the level below. So we've got a penis falling from the sky.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  So that's caused a little bit of a stir, but that's okay. At least now the penis isn't my problem. That's downstairs's problem. The show begins, the ladies start to have a little bit of fun. You know, they're singing along to the music. They are waving and dancing, which you'd think would be okay at Mamma Mia. But we had a policy of people pay good money to see a West End show. They pay to see the performers sing, not a bachelorette party sing the songs.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  I would hate that.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  So I very politely ask them, please can you not sing anymore? That's part of the policy, you know, we, we don't allow singing and dancing throughout the show. So they quieten down a little bit, but then they get more and more drunk with their wine. They're having a great time. And by halfway through the first act, I'm having to call security. It's getting a little bit too much and people around them are complaining. The policy is that we wouldn't kick them out in the middle of an act. It's too disruptive to the whole theater. So the bouncers will just come and stand next to the row and look a little bit menacing. And they can see that they're being monitored and now they should be behaving. It doesn't stop.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  So the decision is made that at the interval, they're going to be told they're not allowed to re-enter the show. They will be asked to leave the theater. The interval happens, they come out of the seats, they go to the bar where they are refused service. The front house manager says to them very calmly, we've had some complaints. You're not meeting our policies and now you will not be allowed to re-enter. An argument ensues, of course. They are really kicking off at this point. They're shouting, they're swearing, there's a lot of things going on. It's the middle of the interval. And so the big dog is called in, the theater manager comes down from her office. Now, my theater manager is amazing.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  She's very calm, she's very stoic and she doesn't take shit from anybody.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Hmm, I love it.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  I would listen to her, she scares me. So she comes down and she has a calm conversation with them and she manages to get the situation under control. As this has been going on, the second half of the show has now resumed. But there's still this discussion happening in the foyer of the theater. The ladies are very upset, obviously they want to be allowed back in or a minimum, they would like a refund, which is never going to happen.

• 11:27Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Things very quickly start to escalate again.

• 11:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  And they become even more irate. It's notching up, you know, to maybe an eight out of 10 on the fury scale at this point. And so a decision is made to call the police. Because at this time, it's now been about 30 minutes of them arguing. Once we tell them, we will be calling the police to remove them from the theater. It's a group of five women, three of them leave. They decide, we're not getting mixed up with the police, we're gonna leave calmly. However, the last two women, they wanna make a point, they're not leaving. One of the women decides to pull down her trousers.

• 12:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, here we go.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Squat and do a poo in the middle of the foyer of the theater.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  No.

• 12:15Dax Shepard?

  I thought a pee was coming our way.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 12:18Dax Shepard?

  But she was like, no, I'm going full Tonka.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Full number two.

• 12:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my gosh. Your theater manager, who sounds like Tom Hardy, that's her vibe? Like it gets scarier, the quieter she gets. What is her reaction to the poop in the theater?

• 12:33Speaker 02

  She's very calm. Actually, throughout the whole thing, she's saying, madam, please, I think I know what's going to happen now. If you could please pull your trousers back up. If you do need to use the toilet. We do have a toilet, we can facilitate that.

• 12:49Dax Shepard?

  First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry enough.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  That was just, she got herself excited about the cops.

• 13:00Dax Shepard?

  But can you imagine being pissed and going, you know what? I'm gonna fucking shit right here. And what are the odds that you would be prepared at that moment to actually?

• 13:07Speaker 01

  So much wine.

• 13:08Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so she maybe has been holding it in.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  She's been drinking all day.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Wine can sometimes get things moving. Wine can have that effect on people. Loose, yeah, exactly, Monica.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  And so in the end, after she's done the poo, she pulls her trousers up without wiping.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Ew, yeah, we even think about it.

• 13:30Dax Shepard?

  She took her sock off.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 13:31Dax Shepard?

  That's the best move.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  And walks out of the theater with her friend, like nothing ever happened. And that was that.

• 13:38Dax Shepard?

  The cops never?

• 13:39Speaker 02

  They didn't arrive in time. We're in a theater, the people won't leave, we're not high up on their list on that Saturday afternoon. So they never arrived in time. They ended up being called off because the woman decided to leave. She did her business and she left.

• 13:53Dax Shepard?

  Whose job was it to then handle that?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Cleanup duty.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  The theater manager. She was a believer of, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself.

• 14:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, did you stick around and watch?

• 14:06Speaker 02

  She got her rubber gloves on. We were all watching.

• 14:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, cuz I'm like, I would ask for two paper plates from the, the concession stand and I would have tried to, you know.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Cause you're kind of imagining it as like dog poop, like you would do.

• 14:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  This is human wine poop.

• 14:23Dax Shepard?

  Was it real loose? Not to get too.

• 14:27Dax Shepard?

  Did she need a mop or a paper plate?

• 14:29Speaker 02

  It wasn't loose, loose, but no.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  This theater full of children and a grown ass woman is pooping on the floor.

• 14:38Dax Shepard?

  First of all, I'm very sorry for you and the staff there. No one should have to deal with that. But I do wonder if this story came up during like the rehearsal dinner speeches. This person is vile as she is, is likely a legend now in her circle.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 14:55Dax Shepard?

  Like, remember the time Betty dumped at the West End Theater? And she never broke eye contact with the scary manager? Like, she's most certainly a legend in her circle for this.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  But she wasn't the bride, right?

• 15:07Dax Shepard?

  Do we know?

• 15:07Speaker 02

  The bride had a sash saying bride and then the rest of them had a sash saying team bride. The bride left when the mention of the police, she hot footed out that.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Oh, my gosh. What is a bachelor party called a rooster party?

• 15:22Dax Shepard?

  Cock party?

• 15:23Speaker 02

  A stag do.

• 15:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. I have made some observations. Certainly men get really naughty on these bachelor parties. That's well documented and I don't forgive them. But I'm mostly privy to these hen parties that come through Nashville. I have to say, I have observed the intoxication level is harder and quicker and earlier in the day. You guys agree?

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Cause it's an all day affair into the evening and then the next day, hopefully, if you're there for the weekend.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  They can get pretty wild. I mean, I know the men's parties are notorious, but the women's can get pretty wild as well, I think.

• 15:59Dax Shepard?

  It's comforting that all people behave like animals.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Different kinds of animals, but yeah.

• 16:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, animals just the same. Wow, Amy, what a great punchline. I thought maybe a fight was gonna be the punchline, but the fact that she just pulled her slack and not even addressed slacks. Like, that takes a minute to get down. Wow.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:20Dax Shepard?

  And I gotta imagine you were just immediately excited to tell your five best friends when you got off work.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Oh, everybody was called, WhatsApp groups were messaged and it went down in history in the theater. And we saw a lot of stuff in the theater, but I think that was probably one of the worst things that we've seen.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  That's great.

• 16:39Dax Shepard?

  That's great. I'm so glad you witnessed that and were able to tell us about it.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  Me too, me too. It's a good story.

• 16:47Dax Shepard?

  Amy, it's so nice meeting you.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  Thank you guys too. I really appreciate the time and lovely to meet you both.

• 16:53Dax Shepard?

  All right, well, enjoy your trip home.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Thank you, have a great day.

• 16:56Dax Shepard?

  Bye bye.

• 17:04Dax Shepard?

  We get support from our presenting sponsor, YouTube Premium. Now, you already know I'm a big YouTube person. Uh, it's incredible on its own, but Premium makes the whole experience feel enhanced. Like you don't realize how much better it can get until you try it. The biggest game changer for me, background play. I love long, two hour deep dives, uh, you name it, motorcycles, uh, travel, cars.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Cooking shows for me.

• 17:30Dax Shepard?

  Cooking. Listen, with Premium, you don't have to keep the screen open. So I can lock my phone, slide it into my pocket and listen to a podcast while I'm folding laundry or working out. It's also completely ad free, meaning when a narrator is building up to the climax of an insane story, there's zero interruption. And for travel, offline download saves the day. I love this one. Relying on airplane wifi can be a gamble, so I just download my favorite videos before takeoff. And with smart downloads, Premium will automatically download new videos from channels you actually follow without having to lift a finger. I'm covered if I forget to download a video I wanna watch or even if there's no service. And the home run for me is that YouTube Premium remembers exactly where I left off

• 18:12Dax Shepard?

  and lets me continue watching on another device from right where I stopped. So I can start a video on my TV while brushing my teeth and pick it right back up on my phone on my morning walk. So yeah, YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. We get support from Superhuman. I'm someone who wants to do big, meaningful work, but the small stuff eats up my day before I even get to it. The endless emails, docs, scheduling, follow-ups that pile up. By the time all that's cleared, there's no energy left for the ambitious stuff. Most AI tools promise to fix that, but they require opening a new tab,

• 18:57Dax Shepard?

  re-explaining everything from scratch every single time. A week later, it's just another thing collecting dust in the browser. Superhuman, from the makers of Grammarly, is different. It's already embedded inside the tools people are using, email, docs, browser. It's not waiting to be found, it's already there, working alongside, clearing what's in the way. So the focus stays on what's actually worth doing. A thought partner that's already up to speed, no catching it up. It knows the style, the workflows, and it backs people up without getting in the way. At your service, not after your job. That's the difference. Give it a try for yourself. Start streamlining your workflows with Superhuman. Try today at superhuman.com.

• 19:39Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Instagram teen accounts. So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 19:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. So Instagram has got something called teen accounts and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 20:24Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram's helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts.

• 20:43Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts. We get support by Peloton. You know that feeling when you're spiraling over a problem and you just can't figure it out? When that happens to me, I need a change of pace and I've found that running is the best way. It takes my brain out of the driver's seat and I come back with a fresh perspective. Running can be freeing and cathartic and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling fits wherever you need it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable, designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic.

• 21:28Dax Shepard?

  Plus they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run. Explore the new Peloton Tread Flex at onepeloton.com.

• 21:49Dax Shepard?

  Alex.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  We don't want to start off with an uh-oh.

• 21:52Dax Shepard?

  We're in a matching fabric chair.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  I'm in my daughter's room.

• 21:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's kind of a fake lamb wool stitch.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  They call that like bu- bu-.

• 22:01Dax Shepard?

  Bukaki?

• 22:02Speaker 01

  No, I forget what it's called.

• 22:05Speaker 03

  We call it Target.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, also great.

• 22:08Dax Shepard?

  Tarjay, Target. Where are you at, Alex?

• 22:11Speaker 03

  I'm in San Jose, California, good old Silicon Valley.

• 22:15Dax Shepard?

  Close to the Shark Tank?

• 22:16Speaker 03

  10 minutes from there.

• 22:18Dax Shepard?

  I had a famous poop there and you know, there's a little park, just, well, our last caller involved the poop. There's a little park immediately to the right of the Shark Tank and it has a little public bathroom, which is great. And I'd been working there all day long when I worked for GM. All of a sudden I was like, oh, I gotta go. And I ran across that park and I got there and they had closed that bathroom for the night. But I had already told my body, we are seconds away from deploying.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 22:45Dax Shepard?

  And then I had to bounce into the woods right next to the park. And when I saw next to me, remember this story? The sim provided me a huge bag of cotton balls someone left out there. And that's how I cleaned up. Great to meet you, Alex.

• 22:58Speaker 03

  You too. And that's not uncommon in San Jose, by the way.

• 23:01Dax Shepard?

  I saw many other deposits while I was in that park.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  I hope you left a bag of cotton balls too. It's like you take one, you leave one.

• 23:08Dax Shepard?

  I didn't use them all. There's plenty.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  You just go back later, you know?

• 23:11Dax Shepard?

  So Alex, you have a bad customer story.

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. The saying we have is you remember the good ones, but you never forget the bad ones. Well, I'm a flooring contractor, so if you're remodeling your house, need hardwood or selling need carpet, you come to our showroom. We want an endonia measure, get installers there. So we're mom and pop shop. I just started. This is my first month, pretty much.

• 23:37Dax Shepard?

  How long ago was this?

• 23:38Speaker 03

  Almost 10 years ago.

• 23:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay.

• 23:40Speaker 03

  Fresh out of college, just starting, trying to make dad proud, show him I got the juice like pops does.

• 23:44Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  So a customer comes in, nice Asian lady, probably 65, five foot tall. I noticed she's very religious, very touchy, kind of flirtatious.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Wait, why did you think she was religious? Was she wearing like a cross or something?

• 23:58Speaker 03

  Cross and right away, today's a blessed day.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Got it. Okay.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Don't you think God's blessed us all?

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 24:04Speaker 03

  That's all fun, but that's not really, you know, me.

• 24:06Dax Shepard?

  As Sedaris says, when they say have a blessed day, he feels like he's sprayed by God juice.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Whatever floats your boat, right?

• 24:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 24:15Speaker 03

  In sales, you kind of go with the flow. I'm helping her through the showroom, looking at stuff and I noticed she's kind of very flirtatious and I'll razzle dazzle. I'll shake and bake to get a sale and entertain it.

• 24:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  Kind of the point, she's starting to touch your arm. Do you work out? You're so stern and young.

• 24:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, so far I like this. Yeah, this is fun.

• 24:35Speaker 03

  When you first start off in sales too, at least in this industry, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what's right from wrong. You're just trying to people please. So the biggest thing I noticed too is when she leaves, she gives me a big hug, which is not really common. And she says, I cannot wait to see you, like when I come to her house.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 24:53Speaker 03

  A week later, I'm about to go, she shoots me a text the night before saying, I cannot wait to see you with a heart emoji.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 25:01Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask, did she order carpet or hardwood? What was she in the market for?

• 25:04Speaker 03

  She didn't pick yet, but she did end up picking, it's called an LVP, if you've heard of it, kind of a synthetic plastic. It's a little cheaper, looks like wood, fake. I'm on my way there, super nervous. You have no idea what to expect. I don't know the answers to their questions. Right when you pull up, you're like, this place is fucked up. There's shit everywhere in the front.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  They have multiple crosses and Jesus statues. She opens the door and right away, a few things are off. Right away, you smell, right? You smell horde smell from the house.

• 25:33Dax Shepard?

  Ooh, ooh, okay.

• 25:34Speaker 03

  Wearing a revealing tank top, red lipstick matching her tank top with pigtails, kind of like Britney Spears.

• 25:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh, she's got like a character.

• 25:45Speaker 03

  And then she does her, hi, like welcome in and gives me a huge hug. I was prepared to the ass out hug. She doesn't, she goes like full in grasping. And then I look behind her, there's a ginormous man. I'm talking like 6'8", 300 plus pounds and he's just smiling.

• 26:05Dax Shepard?

  What's his age?

• 26:06Speaker 03

  Probably about 40.

• 26:07Dax Shepard?

  Wow. So are you quickly trying to figure out, is this son or young lover?

• 26:11Speaker 03

  What's the dynamic? What the hell is going on here?

• 26:13Dax Shepard?

  What is this relationship?

• 26:15Speaker 03

  Have you seen Mindhunter at all?

• 26:17Dax Shepard?

  No. Serial killer profiler?

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Looks like him, the worst sounds like him. He's very monotone. So he goes, Alex, it's so good to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Oh, everything's red flags, right? Shakes my hand. I've never felt something so feminine yet masculine. So he almost shook it as if he was a queen and I'm supposed to kind of kiss his hand, but then turned it into the hardest shake of my life. So as a guy, I was like, I think he's telling me he thinks I'm cute, but also letting me know he's so big, I can't do anything about.

• 26:53Dax Shepard?

  A lot of subtext in the handshake. Yeah, yeah.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  Before I could comprehend this dynamic, I turn and I realized this house is full on hoarders.

• 27:02Dax Shepard?

  There's going to need a crew in there for a week before you're talking about flooring.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  They need a hazmat crew for us to just do the job. Again, first time trying to get a sale, you kind of push this all out of the way. I'm gonna make dad proud today, you know?

• 27:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  Then I knew it was immediately off when they started holding hands. I don't know if you've ever had a plumber or someone over your house. You're not going to call your wife, kind of hit on the guy and hold hands two feet away and walk the house. So I'm measuring, small talk, hey, how long have you been here? All these things. Within minutes, the big guy goes, how much is this going to cost? I'm here to figure that out for you, brother. Figure 10, 15 grand, you know, but we'll see. He goes, okay, we're going to go discuss this privately. That's awkward, right? So the kicker is they walk about three feet away as if it's private. I could still clearly see you and hear you and a lot of little giggling kind of goes on.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  This is so crazy.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Good chance for me to get going on the measurement. I could get this house done without talking to them. So I keep hearing them flirt and the picture is, remember this guy's almost seven foot and she's five foot.

• 28:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  And there's about a 30 to 40 year gap. So I thought it might be her son who's goofy, but I'm starting to realize, nope, I'm thinking they're lovers.

• 28:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 28:21Speaker 01

  The hand holding.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  I get back to where they're standing. He has his finger on her chin, like he's about to kiss her, like in a romantic movie.

• 28:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  And then they're just like whispering and he gives her like a little two finger kind of slap.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm kind of loving it. I'm like, this is awesome. This is a good story. And then he winds up and gives her a nice, like.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Oh, like actual slap. Okay.

• 28:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh my goodness.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  She's like looking into his eyes in love and I kid you not, as I walk by, you hear, you like that, don't you bitch?

• 28:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh my goodness.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  I think I need to get out of here, maybe. So I continue my measurement. These people, by the way, would appear and disappear. So I'm walking out of nowhere. You're kind of like, oh shit, or right there by your shoulder. And they start asking me questions. You just don't ask a contractor like. Hey, are you single? What's your partner like? Do you guys like to go out and have fun and drink? Are you hitting on me right now? So I'm at this point rushing. I'm like, kind of sweating.

• 29:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 03

  Let's get the hell out of here. Last room's the master. As I'm about to open it, the little lady jumps in front of me and says, oh, we're not going to go in there right now.

• 29:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, right now.

• 29:30Speaker 03

  This was the creepiest part. The guy's smiling at me and goes, at least not yet.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're like, yo, this is out of a movie. You're like, this is the weirdest scenario I've been in.

• 29:42Dax Shepard?

  How'd they find each other? What a match made in heaven.

• 29:45Speaker 03

  They met at church. And then they would ask me if I could go to church. They even asked me if I would go to one of their church events and that a group of people hang out after. So my mind's like, I'm not trying to judge a book by a cover, but I think we got a weird swinger.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:03Dax Shepard?

  Swinger church.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  Thing going on here. Just the basics, right? A little shake and bake.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  I wonder what was in that bedroom.

• 30:09Dax Shepard?

  A dead plumber?

• 30:10Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 30:12Dax Shepard?

  A dead roofer?

• 30:13Speaker 01

  Probably a swing set and stuff like that.

• 30:15Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  And then, mind you, there's Jesus stuff everywhere. A shrine of Jesus, candles, just everything.

• 30:21Dax Shepard?

  Poor Jesus. I'm sad he had to witness this.

• 30:25Speaker 03

  I told them during our discussion how I pulled my back the first day. I don't know if you guys have ever pulled your back. You can't walk. It hurts. So as I'm leaving, they go, please, can we pray for your back before you leave? No, thank you. Like, I appreciate it. And they're being very persistent. Maybe later, if you want. I'm not too religious, but thank you. But in the end, I have, obviously, I give in. So I say, what do I do? She says, bow your head and close your eyes. And mind you, when they talk to you, have you seen obsession yet?

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  That girl does a great job and smiles with her eyes wide open. That's what they both did the whole time. So when they go, can we pray? It's more of like, can we pray for you? I'm like, sure. Normal prayer. After like 30 seconds, I realized they started creeping closer and closer to me. So they went from three feet, two feet, one feet. Okay, I'm feeling their breath on me at this point. And I'm not even kidding, I got frozen. I was like, I don't know what to do right now. I look and their heads are right here at my shoulders. And I feel like their bodies touching my body.

• 31:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 31:31Speaker 03

  Their prayers started to get weird. It had nothing to do with really God. It was like, give this man the testosterone and strength to prevail. You're like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And then they start rubbing my back.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Like centrally. This guy has a huge hand. So it's getting real weird. The lady's doing most of the prayer. And the guy would just like, kind of compliment her. So if she was like, give this man the blessings he needs to perform, she would just be like, mm, to perform.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 32:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 32:02Speaker 03

  And then she starts groping me like on my love handles, like kind of squeezing.

• 32:07Dax Shepard?

  Sure, she loves him.

• 32:08Speaker 03

  Pulls herself up to my shoulder because she's short and starts whispering. I can't understand it. And then I find out she's speaking tongue, if you've ever heard of it.

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Her lips touched my ear as if she's kind of kissing. And then the hairs on my neck go up. I wake up out of this frozen whatever.

• 32:30Dax Shepard?

  Suspended state.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Out of it. And right away, I got back to human and went, hey, guys, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:37Speaker 03

  I'm not into this shit. I'm rushing out the front door. The guy's kind of chasing me. They have like a little front gate that's half open. I kicked it open, broken. Don't care. I'm getting out of here. Get into my truck. Hey, I'll contact you. Like, just leaving. And then they sit there on the sidewalk, hand over shoulder, both smiling, waving like happy family, as if nothing just happened. So I go back to my showroom and all my older employees are 50, 60, done it for decades, having a ball, making fun of me. You know, this is not normal. You should have left.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 33:12Speaker 03

  But the strategy in our job is you could technically fire a customer. So you pretty much just double the price. They're not going to go for it. You say, no problem. Everyone's happy. Go both ways. So I did that. And ironically, the big kicker is they signed up.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:30Speaker 03

  So I was like, that's not fun. I don't want to do it.

• 33:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 33:33Speaker 03

  And so about a month later, we go, I forewarned all my installers, don't take shit, don't let them touch you, all these things. And there's a lock box and he gets in and he says, the house is practically empty. No one's there. No one's living there. No Jesus statues, no nothing. And the odd part is the master bedroom was still locked.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Ew. Wow. This is so weird.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  I believe someone tried to pull me in a religious, sexual three-way. And it was my first real measurement of my career. So it was kind of like, can't get much from here, right?

• 34:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's a good first one to have. You really can navigate everything going forward.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:15Dax Shepard?

  I gotta say, I have always felt this way. There becomes a fine line between some of these deeply religious folks and satanic worshippers. Like, once you're speaking in tongues and you're, you're involved in orgies, like, aren't we Satanists?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  And culty.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Licking people's ears.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 34:33Dax Shepard?

  Wow. So they didn't pay? No one installed anything, I presume?

• 34:37Speaker 03

  We installed and she sent a check.

• 34:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 34:40Speaker 03

  I never saw her again. And I refused to meet her because she wanted to meet up for coffee so she could give me a deposit. I said, put that bitch in the mail.

• 34:52Speaker 03

  I kept it to like texting calls. I didn't show up. The guy said, nothing was there. But we did the job. And about a year later, they called me. I convinced them to do just materials, like purchase the materials and we won't install. So they purchased the materials and came to the show and picked it up. And it was kind of like the last we ever saw them. Thank God.

• 35:11Dax Shepard?

  Wow, Alex, what an experience. I'm kind of jealous.

• 35:16Speaker 03

  When you do sales and meet thousands of people, the pros is you meet a lot of people and see how they live. The cons, you meet a lot of people and see how they live. And not everyone's what you think. You get into a house and we've had plenty of issues where someone got killed in a house. No one told us. You go there, there's 13 dead cats.

• 35:37Dax Shepard?

  Baby.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  No one tells you. You just show up and you get surprised. I live for this. I think it's awesome as long as you don't get, I guess, kidnapped or hurt. Nothing you can't tell over a drink with the guys.

• 35:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Alex, what a lovely story. Thank you so much for telling us.

• 35:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course, man. Thanks for having us. My wife and I are big fans.

• 35:56Dax Shepard?

  Is she there? Can we say hi to her?

• 35:57Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, please. She's 38. Look at that. She opens the door right away.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  I was waiting.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

• 36:08Speaker 04

  Another girl. Second girl.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Oh, exciting. Congratulations.

• 36:13Speaker 04

  The way to go, for sure.

• 36:16Dax Shepard?

  Lovely meeting you guys. Congratulations.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Thanks, guys. We appreciate it. Fun experience.

• 36:22Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 36:31Dax Shepard?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, but you don't need a day on the calendar to give yourself permission to talk to someone. I've been in therapy for a long time and the stuff rattling around in my head always just quiets down the second I say it out loud. And it doesn't have to be some big life crisis. Maybe it's a work thing that's taking up too much space or hard relationship moment, or just a feeling that something's off. That's enough. That's worth talking about.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  You know, I love therapy more than anything. Gets me through. Often I'll want to cancel because I'm like, I don't really have anything to talk about. And then I'll go and I have some major revelation.

• 37:20Dax Shepard?

  You know, I was just talking to a friend who has just started it. And I said, one of the most powerful elements of it is just hearing yourself say out loud the thing that's been ruminating in your head and how different it sounds once it's out into the world. You gain perspective immediately just by hearing yourself say it.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do.

• 37:36Dax Shepard?

  If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the US? You can still get 10% off your first month. Do yourself a favor and just try it. Future you will be grateful. Visit betterhelp.com/dax to explore your payment options. That's better H E L P dot com slash DAX. We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glee. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used

• 38:18Dax Shepard?

  with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.

• 38:29Speaker 05

  Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrineoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once Daily Foundo is available by

• 39:10Speaker 05

  prescription only in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5 milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.

• 39:26Dax Shepard?

  This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We've talked before about Rob building our website on Squarespace, and I bring it up again because it's a perfect example of what they do well. Rob had all the pieces, the content, the vision, the ideas, but he needed something to actually take all that and make it public facing. And Squarespace was that bridge. Maybe you're in the same spot. You've been developing something, a business, a skill set, a body of work, and it's been private. It's been yours. But at some point, you're ready to put it out there. And that transition from private to public can feel like a huge leap. Squarespace makes it feel like a step. Beautiful templates, built-in SEO, email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, everything you need to go from, I've

• 40:09Dax Shepard?

  been working on this, to here it is, come find me. All in one place, no code, no stitching together a bunch of different tools. So if you've been sitting on something and waiting for the right moment, this might be it. Head to Squarespace.com/dax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  JB could be either a girl's name or a boy's name. We know that from my list.

• 40:44Dax Shepard?

  I think it's a girl.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  I think it's a girl.

• 40:46Speaker 04

  I think it's a boy.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  Oh, hi.

• 40:50Dax Shepard?

  I won the bet. There was a bet here whether you would be a boy or a girl.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  I also won.

• 40:55Dax Shepard?

  You said a girl?

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, Rob said a boy.

• 40:58Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I thought you said a boy too.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  No, I just said it could go either way because I just read a list of girl names that are also boy names. And Daxton let me read the whole list.

• 41:06Speaker 04

  Fair minus also spells the boy way.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  Okay, that's fair to Rob.

• 41:11Dax Shepard?

  Further compounding. Where are you, Jamie?

• 41:15Speaker 04

  I'm actually in the Dells, Oregon, which is right next to Hood River where all your family is from.

• 41:19Dax Shepard?

  I know the Dells well. We had to go there for Home Depot runs anytime we needed something in Hood River.

• 41:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I'm actually an esthetician. I just listened to your guys' waxing story. That's what I do for a living. I was managing a salon and one day, one of my employees called me that a man had actually booked a male Brazilian. And she did not offer this service. I also did not offer this service, but I had just went to Vegas and learned at like a class on how to perform this service. So I was like, you know what? It's my time to grow up and be a good boss and I can do this.

• 42:01Dax Shepard?

  Tell me, what is a male Brazilian? Tell us what the distinction is.

• 42:05Speaker 04

  It's the traditional like Brazilian wax, except for most estheticians don't offer it for men. So that's the only difference.

• 42:13Dax Shepard?

  I don't even know what a Brazilian is.

• 42:14Speaker 01

  All hair gone, including your butthole.

• 42:17Speaker 04

  Yes, full genitalia, everything, every hair there, gone.

• 42:21Dax Shepard?

  I'm already imagining why it's challenging on a man because they have so much butt hair. We're gonna stop at the butt cheeks. That's gonna be a little weird.

• 42:29Speaker 01

  You see hair on the legs, like their pants.

• 42:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I wouldn't know where to stop if I was applying it around the anus. I'm like, how far out do I take this? But anyways, that's my confusion.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  That's for you to think about.

• 42:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 42:41Speaker 04

  Also was my confusion, but it's also like, I'm familiar with my anatomy. I've been trained on how to handle female anatomy. I had not been trained to handle male anatomy outside of how I'm already familiar with male anatomy. So I really didn't want to be doing this.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  The guy shows up and I'm tall, I'm five eight. This guy is like maybe five two, five three. So I'm immediately like, oh, thank God, this isn't intimidating.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Okay, I want to interrupt really quickly. Dax is normally the one to do this, but I'm gonna do it. You're very pretty.

• 43:20Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 43:20Speaker 01

  You are.

• 43:21Dax Shepard?

  I'll go further. You're hot.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Okay, well, I wanted to, I just was trying, you know.

• 43:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, okay.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Yes, you're hot.

• 43:27Speaker 04

  She's trying to be polite.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm trying to say it.

• 43:29Dax Shepard?

  But I just think in this context, hot's relevant. Yeah, yeah, okay.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  Okay, yes, and you're gonna be touching a man's penis and pulling on it because part of waxing, for people who don't know, is like making the skin taut.

• 43:42Dax Shepard?

  Thank God he's little.

• 43:42Speaker 04

  Monica is exactly right. It is like a dangerous thing to be doing. I immediately like my guard kind of went down because I was like, you know what? The way that he looks and not to be rude, he might not have ever had his penis touched before.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Oh, even worse. This is worse, not better.

• 44:01Speaker 04

  I wasn't nervous anymore.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 44:04Speaker 04

  So we go back there. I start doing my best. I'm trying to run through like everything that I have learned from the class that I had taken on it. Everything is so much different. It's a challenge. I will say I wax women all the time. They sometimes make noises, but not a ton of noises. And if it is, it's like very an obvious, like, oh my God, that hurts type of noise. This guy is either dead silent or he is groaning.

• 44:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 44:32Speaker 04

  I already knew that it would not be uncommon for them to have an erection during the service and I was fully prepared for that. I was not prepared though for him to be like pushing himself into my hand at the same time I'm touching. He was staring here the entire time.

• 44:54Dax Shepard?

  Your muscles.

• 44:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay, Monica's gonna handle.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  He'd be like rolling his eyes in the back of his head and I was like, this is just feeling not professional. I finished the service. I'm like, that doesn't feel normal. I call my boss and I'm like, here's everything that happened. It felt very sexual to me. And she's like, no, you're being sexist. You wouldn't treat women this way. So I go on and I wax this guy for maybe two, three, four times. And each time that I wax him, the reaction to what I'm doing gets like more and more severe. So his groans are louder. He has some leakage.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Oh.

• 45:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay, goodness.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Like, we can say it pre-cum?

• 45:44Speaker 04

  Yes, I just didn't want to say.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  I know, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go ahead and say everything that needs to be said today.

• 45:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so I might be tugging her shoulder at some point if I really need something said. But yeah, we'll call that PC.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, wow.

• 46:00Speaker 04

  Every time I wax him, I'm again talking to my boss like, okay, he's being so overly sexual each appointment. Then one day I'm doing the service and he completely and fully ejaculates everywhere.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  No.

• 46:15Dax Shepard?

  Jesus.

• 46:16Speaker 04

  I missed most of it. I dodged it very quickly. Some of it gets on me. Most of it goes all over him. It wasn't quiet. It was all very obvious that that's what happened. Mind you, I'm 21 and I am like, I do not know how to handle this. So I pretend it doesn't even happen. I literally just carried on. Then again, I go to my boss and I'm like, he literally ejaculated on me. And she's again, like, you need to just man up.

• 46:47Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Is this a woman boss?

• 46:49Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 46:50Speaker 01

  This is insane.

• 46:52Dax Shepard?

  This is a terrible boss. This could be a terrible boss story.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  It could. I mean, she needs to be fired.

• 46:58Dax Shepard?

  Does she want to be operating a jackoff booth? Like, is that, does she want this type of client?

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Also, then she can do it herself, not you.

• 47:07Speaker 04

  A fun fact, this boss was also my stepmother.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  Which I think makes this even crazier.

• 47:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh my gosh.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Bad boss, bad stepmom.

• 47:18Dax Shepard?

  Stepmom story. Okay, wow.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  I'm sorry. That's horrible.

• 47:23Speaker 04

  It gets crazier. Not for me. This next part is actually for my coworker. So I end up telling her after that, I was like, I'm officially done, Zo. I cannot handle this. He had also said to me, does it arouse you to cause me pain like this? And I was like, I've got you. I knew this whole time.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:45Speaker 04

  What your intentions were here. So fast forward, I don't see him anymore. And he ends up booking with one of my coworkers and she again reaches out to him to tell him she doesn't offer the service. He doesn't answer. He shows up. He starts demanding that she do the service. She says, nope, I'm not doing it. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. There was like five or 10 minutes worth of arguing about it. He finally leaves. This coworker took the like evening shift, so it was pretty common. She would be there from 5:00 PM until dark and she would be alone in the salon.

• 48:23Speaker 04

  So this day, she's closing up. It's like 9:30 at night. She shuts all the lights off. She had to go like up this flight of stairs. And then there's the back door, like right at the top of the stairs that we would exit out of. And as soon as she opens the back door, he's right there. He pushes her into the building.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  No.

• 48:44Speaker 04

  And he is like, you're gonna do my wax now. Thankfully, she is very strong and she was like, absolutely, I'm not fucking doing this. Get the fuck out of here and I'm gonna call the cops. And that finally was enough to make him leave and we never saw or heard from him ever again.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Ew, my.

• 49:03Dax Shepard?

  But he's just prowling around the Dells.

• 49:05Speaker 04

  Probably. And Dax, are you familiar with like Binge?

• 49:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, uh huh.

• 49:10Speaker 04

  He worked for that company in Situ.

• 49:12Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure, that makes the drones.

• 49:15Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's all around.

• 49:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy. Oh, Jamie, I'm so sorry.

• 49:23Speaker 01

  Horrible.

• 49:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this is beyond bad customer. This is criminal customer.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  Okay, we got bad stepmom prompt. We got bad boss prompt. We got sexual assault prompt essay. This is wild. And of course.

• 49:36Dax Shepard?

  Tell us about a short guy.

• 49:38Speaker 01

  Um, we're probably not gonna do that prompt.

• 49:42Dax Shepard?

  Was that your only dust up doing that stuff? Did you just go like, I'm not doing dudes ever again? No, that's not the only dust up. Do women ever act inappropriate?

• 49:51Speaker 04

  No, never.

• 49:53Speaker 01

  I like that answer.

• 49:54Dax Shepard?

  That was a dumb question.

• 49:57Speaker 04

  I officially no longer offer male Brazilians because every single one that I have done has ended up either kind of stalking me or doing something inappropriate at some point. So it's a no for me.

• 50:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I hate to stereotype, but if I were you, I'd only do small gay men. I'd have to go like, well, are you small and are you gay? If so, I'll do it. And otherwise, absolutely not.

• 50:25Speaker 01

  I know, but even still, I feel like just stay away from these men's penises, you know?

• 50:30Dax Shepard?

  Men should have to do the, although there's not enough, I imagine when you go to these Vegas conventions for anestheticians, very few are men, I'm guessing.

• 50:38Speaker 04

  I've never met actual male.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've never seen one either. But also because, yeah, because women aren't going to a male esthetician.

• 50:48Dax Shepard?

  They can only do dudes.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then not very many dudes want it. And then the dudes want the women because they're gross.

• 50:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:55Speaker 01

  This is tricky. Maybe barbers could start offering it.

• 50:59Dax Shepard?

  That's right.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  Well, I'm so glad you made it out of there and I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. You tried.

• 51:07Dax Shepard?

  Is that woman still your stepmom?

• 51:08Speaker 04

  No.

• 51:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, good.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 51:11Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's a delight to meet you. I could have bumped into you in the Dells back when my mom was in Hood River.

• 51:17Speaker 04

  I have been waiting and waiting and it just never happened.

• 51:20Dax Shepard?

  Do you ever eat at Solstice Pizza?

• 51:22Speaker 04

  Yes, all the time.

• 51:23Dax Shepard?

  What a place, huh?

• 51:25Speaker 01

  I want pizza.

• 51:25Speaker 04

  It is a great place.

• 51:27Dax Shepard?

  That might be the number one thing I miss about my mother having left Hood River.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  What kind of pizza did they have?

• 51:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's like organic, premium ingredients, tons of fun options.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Oh, yum.

• 51:38Dax Shepard?

  Very organic-y, healthy pizza place. What are you giggling about?

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Saying organic over.

• 51:45Dax Shepard?

  I do. I don't know.

• 51:46Speaker 01

  Not giving any other description of what this is, but it sounds great.

• 51:50Dax Shepard?

  It's delicious.

• 51:51Speaker 04

  Really quick, I did want to say, I feel like I hear you, Dax, say all the time about how nobody ever knows who you are outside of Kristen Bell. And I wanted to say that I knew you way before I ever even knew who Kristen Bell was because Without a Paddle is one of my all time favorite movies.

• 52:10Dax Shepard?

  Well, that delights me to no end. And maybe you should try out for the Savannah Bananas because that's the other folks who seem to have watched Without a Paddle.

• 52:20Speaker 04

  I was just talking about this today.

• 52:24Dax Shepard?

  Jamie, it's so nice meeting you.

• 52:26Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 52:27Dax Shepard?

  Take care.

• 52:28Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 52:31Dax Shepard?

  Hello.

• 52:32Speaker 06

  There we go.

• 52:33Dax Shepard?

  Is this Kyle? Let us take in your environment.

• 52:37Speaker 01

  You're a teacher.

• 52:38Speaker 06

  Came for the podcast, staying for the therapy.

• 52:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, listener. Not only is that written behind him on some white background.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  Dry race.

• 52:46Dax Shepard?

  There's also two cute little cherries above. You're so meticulous and borderline OCD. Even the stems go outward. I noticed that. That's very pleasing.

• 52:58Speaker 06

  Cannot take full credit for that one. I may have some other arm cherry fans in here who helped out.

• 53:04Dax Shepard?

  Well, Kyle, where are you?

• 53:05Speaker 06

  I'm actually at Rush Medical University here in Chicago, Illinois. I'm in the respiratory care program here, so loving it.

• 53:13Dax Shepard?

  We love doctors and nurses.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  I'm so honored that all these smart people are listening to us.

• 53:19Speaker 06

  With that being said, you know, we gotta.

• 53:21Speaker 01

  Oh, putting on his medical jacket.

• 53:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow. This is great. So you're teaching?

• 53:31Speaker 06

  I'm not teaching. I'm a student. I just started my clinical rotation. So in the final year of it all.

• 53:36Speaker 01

  Congratulations.

• 53:37Dax Shepard?

  How are you holding up? It's a beat down, yeah?

• 53:39Speaker 06

  Sleep is a rare thing to get. We battle through.

• 53:43Dax Shepard?

  And they used to let residents take amphetamines, no? That's what my understanding is.

• 53:49Speaker 06

  Something like that. Okay. But hey, pleasure meeting you guys. I'm excited to tell you my stories. Let's go back to the year of 2020. The infamous year 2020. I like to say mine got a little bit more interesting. So this is around October. I was not in school. I was just working as a bartender at this martini and wine bar. Pretty high end place, you know, typical place you bring your first date.

• 54:12Dax Shepard?

  What city?

• 54:13Speaker 06

  Bloomington Normal, central Illinois, right smack in the middle.

• 54:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Rob, have you ever passed through?

• 54:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like three and a half hours south of Chicago, right?

• 54:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 54:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, small little city, pretty cool. But anyways, I'm at this restaurant. My manager had just left. So I was kind of like the manager on duty. We had a new bartender and I was like, you know what? Yeah, I'll stick around. I'll help him close up. So we've got all our regulars at the bar, you know, this time of night. We got this one guy who's like a professional poker player online. So he's always at the bar with his martini, sipping on that, playing. And he's got a good buddy who we call Big John. He's like six, seven, two eighty. He's like bouncer at all the different bars around town. So everybody knows him. So we're all just hanging out and then this guy walks in and immediately you're just like, okay,

• 55:02Speaker 06

  doesn't seem like the type that would come in here, but whatever, sure. So he walks up to the bar, ends up ordering his drink and I see him bickering with the bartender over the price, I think it was. Cause you know, he ordered it on the rocks and typically we pour extra of it to rocks and it comes with a little surcharge. Nothing crazy. I think the total cost of the drink was like $12. Well, he starts arguing about it. So the poker player is sitting right there and he's like, hey, man, I'll buy your drink. Just get away. I got my computer here. So what does the guy do? He takes his drink and he slams it on the computer. Computer just, you know, shatters.

• 55:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 55:41Speaker 06

  The poker player just throws his hands up like, dude, what the heck just happened? And then Big John picks this guy up and it's carrying him out. And I'm just like, oh, come on. The manager just left and I gotta deal with this. And I'm like, John, you don't work here. Can't really be touching other customers. So I run outside. They're arguing, yelling at each other. John, I tell him to go inside. He goes inside and this guy just won't stop screaming. And I'm like, dude, calm down. And he's like, dude, I'm not paying for it. I'm like, I'm comping your thing. Just leave. And he's got his hand behind his back, like he's ready to sucker punch somebody. And you know, at this point, everybody's outside with their phones, recording. It's like, you know, what's going on, you know?

• 56:24Speaker 06

  And all of a sudden it comes to the side and I'm like, what the hell is he holding? Is that an axe?

• 56:32Speaker 01

  What?

• 56:33Speaker 06

  And I'm just like, boom.

• 56:35Dax Shepard?

  Whoa. He had a hatchet tucked in his waistband?

• 56:38Speaker 06

  Sure enough, I found out later it was a hatchet, but he had a hatchet on it. So immediately panic settles in. First of all, this is all over like a $12 drink. So I turn around. I'm like, everybody get inside, get inside. So I closed and locked this door. So when I had my back turned, all of a sudden I just feel something hit me right in the back.

• 56:56Speaker 01

  No.

• 56:56Speaker 06

  And my first instinct is like, tell me he did not just hit me with that thing. Cause at first, you know, the adrenaline, it didn't hurt. Like it just felt like he punched me. I reach back, feeling around and all of a sudden I feel some wet. I sure enough can feel like maybe a little shoulder bone. Oh, my hand just completely red.

• 57:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, this is a fucking psycho.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:19Dax Shepard?

  You gotta be so deranged to hit someone with an axe. That's a step beyond shooting someone.

• 57:23Speaker 06

  Who the hell carries a hatchet? So I immediately just fall to the ground. Big John is like freaking out because he thinks it's his fault. And I'm like, it kinda is dude, but anyway. Besides the point, put some pressure on my back, dude.

• 57:35Dax Shepard?

  Does the guy run?

• 57:36Speaker 06

  Oh, he was gone like in a split second. Well, I'll get to that. So everybody's drunk. Remind you that. I'm like the sober one there because I'm the only one who was working out at the time. So everybody's drunk. I've got a girl screaming, just breathe, just stay with me. I'm like, get away and call 911.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:50Speaker 06

  What are we doing?

• 57:53Speaker 06

  So he's like, what can I get for you? What can I get for you? I'm like, can, give me a pillow. Like, give me something for my head. Sure enough, ambulance picks me up. We get to the hospital in like record time and I have like an aisle of people, you know, ready to take care of me. The police officer walks in, try to get some information real quick. And I'm expecting an answer and you know, fill out a statement, but he goes, hey, we got him. I'm like, you got him? I was like, how'd you get him so fast? So apparently somebody had gotten stabbed five minutes before I did. So they had police out looking for somebody already. And they found this guy running across. They're like, huh, let's go talk to him.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 58:32Dax Shepard?

  He was on a spree.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. It was that one with also a hatchet?

• 58:36Speaker 06

  So I'm not sure. He ended up ditching the hatchet, but he still had the holster attached to his belt. So that's how they knew it was him. But it gets a little lighter. So the doctor there, as he's, you know, looking at the wound, they had to clean it like three times. Did not feel good. That will wake you up. But where he hit me was kind of funny because I have a couple tattoos on my back and one of which is a mom tattoo. And he nailed me right on the mom tattoo. So my surgeon's stitching me up. He's like, this is kind of easy. I can line it up. He goes, hey, looks like mom had your back that night.

• 59:10Speaker 06

  Six inches to the right, could have hit me in the back of the head or the spine, half inch deeper, could have hit an artery. So I got super, super lucky.

• 59:18Dax Shepard?

  And I'm assuming he hit you with the blade side and not the blunt hammer side of it.

• 59:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, I sent a picture of Rob. It was a tactical hatchet.

• 59:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's a terrifying hatchet. And okay, now I'm looking at the open wound.

• 59:36Speaker 01

  This is not, when I heard hatchet, I imagined like wood and like, you know, like old timey.

• 59:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, like lumberjack axe.

• 59:44Speaker 01

  Exactly. But this is like a straight up weapon. It's just a crazy weapon.

• 59:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it looks like something you would see in a Kung Fu movie or something a warlock would carry. Or one of these crazy militia people. But look at the size of this fucking thing.

• 59:59Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:00:00Dax Shepard?

  Let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

• 1:00:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, it looks good, doesn't it?

• 1:00:04Dax Shepard?

  Ten stitches.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  Oh, it is a deep.

• 1:00:06Dax Shepard?

  And for the listener, it's the full width of your scapula, like your whole shoulder blade. That's about the same size, right?

• 1:00:15Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. Very, very lucky. Mom definitely had my back.

• 1:00:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Well, Kyle, though, I can relate to you because I got hit in the back with a crowbar by a cab driver. And same, it doesn't hurt at all when it happens. You're just like, you register that something has hit your back and you continue running if you're in my, you were in my situation. Yeah. And then back at the house, you're like, oh my God, there's a fucking huge egg on my back. Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a train after adrenaline was off and the morphine and it was rough.

• 1:00:45Dax Shepard?

  Did you follow the prosecution of this gentleman? Shouldn't say gentleman, this motherfucker.

• 1:00:52Speaker 06

  He ended up only getting five years. I came to peace with it. It was like, he didn't kill me. He had a lot of mental issues going on. So he did his time. But get this, as soon as he gets out, I was like, you know, for craps and giggles, I ended up looking him up. He ended up molesting a minor. It was like 14 or younger. So now he's at a halfway house in Chicago. And it's just like, are you kidding me?

• 1:01:15Speaker 01

  He's not back in jail for that?

• 1:01:17Speaker 06

  That dude is such a problem.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, oh, my God. Okay. Well.

• 1:01:23Dax Shepard?

  We have these strays in our society, you know?

• 1:01:25Speaker 06

  For it being like the worst thing that could have ever happened in my life, it honestly ended up turning out to be one of the best things in the sense. I mean, I ended up deciding to go to school full time when it was over because I had nothing else but to think about my life and my life choices. Got into the medical field. Here I am with a white coat now. I ended up just getting on this reality game show called The Shift. I know Monica, you're a fan of The Pit.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Love it.

• 1:01:50Speaker 06

  This show called The Shift. It's, it's the same concept. It's like 12 hours and every hour is a different competition. So my season comes out October 20th. So definitely check it out on YouTube.

• 1:02:01Speaker 01

  I will definitely be watching that. This is exciting.

• 1:02:05Speaker 06

  You'd be like, that's the hatchet guy.

• 1:02:08Dax Shepard?

  Last follow up question. Your manager had already left, which put you in charge in your twenties. And then you get hatcheted and they take you away. So I'm assuming the bartender was left behind to run the show? Who was at the restaurant?

• 1:02:24Speaker 06

  On the video, you just see him. He just puts his hands like this and he's just shaking his head. The entire time it's happening, he's got his hands on his head. I ended up talking to him. He quit like a couple of weeks after. He was like, that was too much, man. It was too much. I never thought it would happen somewhere like that. I'm like, yeah, I guess. Not for everyone.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  That is really wild. It worked out.

• 1:02:47Speaker 06

  Exactly. Yeah. I got great supporters. If you don't mind, I've got two who would love to say hi.

• 1:02:52Dax Shepard?

  Bring them in.

• 1:02:52Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 1:02:53Dax Shepard?

  Hi.

• 1:02:55Speaker 04

  I'm his girlfriend. He told me this hatchet story on our first date, like it was going to be an impressive story to like attract me.

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  Well, it worked.

• 1:03:03Dax Shepard?

  Clearly it worked.

• 1:03:04Speaker 04

  It kind of worked. And we've been together. It's been four years. I didn't know him back then.

• 1:03:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it. And how about our second friend here? What's your name?

• 1:03:13Speaker 04

  My name's Bridget. I'm his sister. Something he failed to mention was my name is also tattooed on his back.

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  Oh, my goodness.

• 1:03:20Speaker 04

  But I did not have his back that night.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  Real family, man.

• 1:03:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I like this little triumphant here. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys.

• 1:03:30Speaker 04

  Thank you so much. It was great to meet you guys.

• 1:03:32Dax Shepard?

  Yes. All right. Take care. Bye. Woo, hatchet to the back.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  That's tough.

• 1:03:39Dax Shepard?

  That's a shitty customer if they drive a hatchet in your back.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  Have you ever read the book Hatchet?

• 1:03:45Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  I think it's a book from like when you're a kid and it's a boy and I like, I know the cover and I also read it. Let's see. Yeah, this. Does this ring a bell?

• 1:03:58Dax Shepard?

  No, but it's a pretty cover. It's got the old timey hatchet you were thinking of, not the assault hatchet.

• 1:04:03Speaker 01

  That's why his plane crashes and then he has to live, you know?

• 1:04:07Dax Shepard?

  And he's just got his trusty hatchet?

• 1:04:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's right.

• 1:04:10Dax Shepard?

  Grateful they let him bring a hatchet on the airplane.

• 1:04:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:13Dax Shepard?

  I don't think you can do that anymore.

• 1:04:16Speaker 01

  All right. Well, that was wild.

• 1:04:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that was wild. Twisty and turvy.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  Love you.

• 1:04:23Speaker 03

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Rhindish. On the fly, Rhindish. Enjoy.